Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My 16-year-old daughter thinks I’m evil. Anytime I try to use discipline, whether it’s asking her to help around the house or do her homework, I get attitude and viciousness. In recent months she has even taken to saying she hates me. Last night she told me, “I hate your (expletive) guts!” Then she called me another expletive and told me to stay out of her life. I am still sobbing as I write this.

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I don’t know what I did to make my daughter treat me like this. I may not be a banner parent, but I do my best to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants. She’s really ungrateful and has no respect for me anymore. She has threatened to go live with her dad a few times now (he lives two states away), and I’m just about ready to tell her to go.

It breaks my heart to see my child acting this way toward me and I want to fix our relationship if I can. But I can’t get through to her at all, so I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Please help. —She Hates Me

Dear She Hates Me,

The agony of your heartbreak is so clear—it is devastating to have your child speak to you in such a hateful manner. That agony has a way of making things seem worse than they actually are. You end your letter by saying you “feel like a complete failure as a parent,” but you also said you “make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants.” If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.

It sounds like you are unable to trace her behavior back to any particular incident, which is likely making her behavior all the more baffling. Thus, you feel unsure how to approach the issue. This also makes it seem possible that the issue isn’t really you. Sometimes children lash out at their parents even when their angst has little to do with their parents. Parents can be safe targets—friends might decide not to be friends and boyfriends/girlfriends might break up, but parents don’t stop being parents and don’t stop loving their children.

If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.

You also mention that her father lives two states away and your daughter has expressed an interest in going to live with him. I’m curious how long he has lived two states away. Is this a more recent development that she might be having a hard time adjusting to? Does she blame you, fairly or unfairly, for the geographical distance? I imagine her request to live with him is quite difficult to hear, but affording her the opportunity to speak openly and honestly about why she is feeling this way might be beneficial to your relationship with one another.

I also find myself feeling curious about what is going on in her life beyond the fact her father lives two states away. Have her relationships with anyone else—friends or significant others—changed? Has there been any kind of change at school? Has her performance in school changed significantly? Examining some of these issues might offer some ideas about other things, outside of your relationship with your daughter, that might be impacting her and how she treats you. If you’re unsure of these potential issues, maybe there is a guidance counselor or teacher at her school that you could check in with.

I wonder if there are any times of relative peace between the two of you in the home. If so, one of these moments might provide a good opportunity to let her know you are concerned about her and are open to listening to anything she might wish to share. Sometimes, approaching someone in the absence of conflict can change the complexion of a typical interaction.

Finally, I would encourage you to consider seeking out your own therapy. Parenting is one of the most intense experiences there is, and going through something like this is incredibly painful. You deserve not only the support a therapeutic relationship can provide, but also the opportunity to brainstorm new strategies for and approaches to connecting with your daughter and healing the relationship.

Best,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Editor’s note: Dr. Siegel will be presenting a continuing education web conference for GoodTherapy, titled “Meditation Practice for a Healthier Brain,” at 9 a.m. Pacific on May 10, 2019. This event is available at no additional cost to Premium and Pro GoodTherapy members ($29.95 for non-members) and is eligible for two CE credits. Register or see more details.

Daniel J. Siegel, MD is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, educator, and critically acclaimed author. Most recently, he is the co-author (with Tina Payne Bryson, PhD) of The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child.

After attending the University of Southern California for his undergraduate studies, Dr. Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard Medical School in 1983 and completed postgraduate medical studies at UCLA, where he still works as a clinical professor of psychiatry and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center. One of the focal points of his research and teachings is interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB), a field that focuses on finding similarities between otherwise separate disciplines.

Dr. Siegel is also the executive director of the Mindsight Institute, an organization that offers workshops and online courses teaching the concept of mindsight, the ability to recognize and comprehend internal processes of the brain. On top of his professional achievements, he is a proud and happy father and husband.

As an author and editor of many books on parenting, child development, neuroscience, and personal transformation, Dr. Siegel expertly distills scientific research into clear and accessible learning resources. Dr. Siegel was generous enough to spare time from his busy schedule to speak with us about The Yes Brain, his work, and his life. [fat_widget_right]

What does it mean to have a “Yes Brain” or a “No Brain”?

A Yes Brain is the state of being receptive and open. Yes Brain and No Brain come from a workshop where I would say “no” harshly several times, pause, and then say “yes” calmly several times. A No Brain is a state of threat, and people in the workshops would feel that they want to fight me or run away. In contrast, after the pause when I say “yes”, they experienced something totally different—A feeling of openness, calmness, and clarity. This is a state of receptivity. And this Yes Brain state is where we have our ideal way of interacting with other people. For example, parenting. People sometimes think Tina Bryson and I mean Yes Brain means say “yes” to everything. That’s not what we mean, and we try to make that very clear in the beginning of the book.  [amazon_affiliate]

Can you explain the four fundamentals of the Yes Brain and how they positively impact a child’s development?

Absolutely. What Tina Payne Bryson, my co-author, and I want to do in the books is provide science-based facts that can be practical, accessible, and memorable. In this case, we’ve used a “cheesy” acronym, the cheese brie, B-R-I-E, that are the four fundamentals of the Yes Brain. ‘B’ stands for balance, ‘R’ stands for resilience, ‘I’ stands for insight, and ‘E’ stands for empathy. If you look at how these positively impact a child’s development, you can see where balance, the ability to access a wide range of emotional states, can be called the “green zone.” When you get out of balance, you go either to a chaotic state we call the “red zone” or a rigid state we call the “blue zone.”

We’re using balance here as the accessible meaning of the scientific term integration. When you’re integrated, you’re moving in a harmonious flow, and when you’re not, you are moving towards chaos or rigidity. ‘R’ is resilience, and this means you’re widening that green zone. You’re giving them the skill of saying, “I’m not in balance. How do I get back?” Insight is the capacity to be aware of what’s happening in the inner world, and empathy is the ability to know the inner life of someone else. These are what we call ‘mindsight’ skills that allow you to develop the essentials of social and emotional intelligence.

You mention that a key part of childhood is experiencing various types and intensities of emotion. What can parents do to support children without interfering with their opportunity to learn from said emotions?

These days, with children elementary school age and beyond, the time spent using screens is making the focus of a child’s attention primarily on the outside world. This compelling stimulus keeps kids from having the time they need to reflect inwardly, either on their own state or the state of other people. The downside is when you get an emotion, you may not have had the opportunity to learn how to just be with that emotion. And so, the emotion floods you like surf on a pounding shore. What we want to do is teach kids to surf the wave, not avoid the water or be trounced by the waves. When you teach a kid to surf their emotions, these emotions are given permission to enter awareness, and then you can use them for your benefit. And this is the whole idea of how you support children without interfering with their opportunity to learn—you want to give them the opportunity to reflect on the nature of their minds.

Why is free play becoming less common with children today, and why is it so important?

I think people have not emphasized enough in our scientific studies that play is to the mind like oxygen is to the body. We think of play from an intellectual point of view, we say, “It’s not serious. What a waste of time.” Well, thinking in brain terms, the way the brain tries different combinations, explores them with curiosity, and enters a state of spontaneity without judgment, [is] what play is all about. I think what’s happening is if you get into a frame of mind that’s utilizing certain brain circuits, you believe your own story that play is not important because it may be diminished in your life, or you’re just using a certain way of thinking about things.

What are mindsight skills, and how can they help children navigate difficult situations?

The word “mindsight” is a term I made up for seeing the mind. What that means at a minimum is an acknowledgment that we all have something called subjective experience. Subjective experience is what’s in consciousness [and] includes the thoughts, memories, and emotions you might have. What we do by naming mindsight is take one facet of mind, subjective experience, and say you can perceive that or not.

So, if a child makes a request for ice cream before dinner, and you say, “That’s so dumb! Go to your room,” you’re responding to their behavior, not to a very understandable feeling: “I love ice cream, I’m about to eat dinner, we’re about to eat, I’d like to eat ice cream first.” In contrast to the No Brain approach, a Yes Brain approach would say, “I sense your mind beneath your behavior. I sense your excitement about ice cream. And I share that. That would be awesome to eat ice cream before dinner. We’re not going to, because the sugar and the fat in ice cream satisfies our dopamine-based reward circuit, and we won’t have any drive to eat more food. We need our nutrition first, and we can do ice cream for dessert.” What you’re doing there is teaching your child that they are a good person, but their behavior is not necessarily something you’re going to agree to.

There’s a dance between summarizing many individuals into categories and patterns and applying that to the individual, but also always honoring the individual experience that may not conform to the statistical summaries. I think being a therapist has reinforced what I always felt was true since I was a young kid, which was that no matter what science [says], you have to honor individual things.

How do Yes and No Brains develop as children mature into adults?

There’s a simple neuroscience principle I like to summarize this way: Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and neural connection grows. If you’ve been focusing a lot of attention on No! No! No!, this is where neural firing flows, a No Brain reactive state. In contrast, if you do these four elements of the Yes Brain, you’re driving attention in these positive Yes Brain ways which will strengthen what we call an internal compass. And that’s what you want to do as you launch your child out into the world, is have provided parenting experiences which build a skill of sensing the mind.

How important is it for parents to work on their own Yes Brains?

That’s exactly the point! We have sections of the book for parents to work on their own Yes Brain because, if you’re busy being harsh to yourself, you’re more likely to be harsh to your child. And that No approach isn’t particularly good for you, so we provide relief from your own tormentor, so you can create a Yes Brain approach for yourself.

How can psychotherapy help develop a Yes Brain in both parents and children?

It’s so interesting when therapists do this. I’ve given workshops for therapists on The Yes Brain. When therapists learn this approach, they begin with themselves, so they become more mindfully aware and enter this receptive state. [Then], they can really begin to appreciate how their clients may have had repeated experience of No Brain emphasis in their own childhoods. You can translate, as I’ve done in these workshops, every Yes Brain parenting skill into a Yes Brain therapy skill.

Can you take us through the process of using complex scientific research on the brain and human behavior to create relatable and understandable content for parents and families?

First thing, I’m a dad. I have two kids now in their mid-20s, and that privilege of being their dad and co-parenting with my wife [has] led me to reflect on the experience of parenting. Since I’m also a child and adolescent psychiatrist, I work with very young people, and I can see them all the way into adulthood. And then, I’m a scientist, trained to study parent-child relationships and how they shape the development of the mind. On top of that, I work in a field called interpersonal neurobiology, where for the last 25 years we’ve been asking the question, “If you combined all of the sciences together into one framework, what would that framework look like?”

For me, it’s helpful because I have a continuing revision process of The Developing Mind. I’m always asking the interns that work with me to prove these ideas wrong. The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and our next book, these all basically say to a parent, “Here’s the science of integration, here’s how you can find it useful in your life.” And we’ve been so grateful that we hear from people all over the place about how these simple strategies, which come from very complex science, actually work. We try to explain enough of the science so it really makes sense, but not too much, because the art of writing a book like this is to know what not to put in. [amazon_affiliate]

How do the ideas and strategies you explore in The Yes Brain relate and connect to the previous books you’ve co-written with Dr. Bryson, The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline?

We get feedback from parents about certain initial ideas that were helpful. Like Yes Brain, as an example. We found there was a topic that was skirted on in both No Drama Discipline, which reminds parents that discipline means to teach, not to punish, and The Whole Brain Child, the grounding book that says, “Look, here are the different domains of integration you can work on.” For this book, what we wanted to do was take this idea that parents told us they needed to know more about, which is, “How do you redefine what success is?” And when you look at how much depression, anxiety, and even suicide rates there are in children and adolescents, you realize something is going really wrong. This Yes Brain approach is something we all need to provide that balance, resilience, insight, and empathy to guide us through [difficult] times.

Do you think your experiences in private practice have influenced your writing, or vice versa? How so?

The incredible privilege of getting to know people in therapy as a therapist completely made it possible for me to be a writer. I never wrote much until I became a psychotherapy trainee, and I realized that it was helpful to have an individual patient and see how reviewing all the scientific studies gave me a different way of approaching [them] in therapy. There’s a dance between summarizing many individuals into categories and patterns and applying that to the individual, but also always honoring the individual experience that may not conform to the statistical summaries. I think being a therapist has reinforced what I always felt was true since I was a young kid, which was that no matter what science [says], you have to honor individual things.

Writing made me figure out how to articulate certain principles. As you’re typing words out, editing them, and releasing them into the world, it’s quite an experience of, “Do I really believe in what I just said? And is there science backing it up? And is it said in a practical way?” But here’s the secret: I find that the relationship I get with readers, when you get positive feedback about how a book really changed their life, that’s what gave me the drive to go forward.

An autism diagnosis can be challenging for a family. Often, the people affected most are the couple who are parenting the child on the spectrum. When my own son was diagnosed in 2001, my husband and I embarked on an arduous journey. It was not only a journey to help our son reach his full potential, but also an opportunity for our relationship to mature and change for the better. This journey happened before I became a therapist, and it was the impetus for my going on to become one. In my practice, I now help couples achieve the same development. So many therapies and interventions are readily available to autism families, but they are primarily centered on the affected child. Here are a few ways I’ve seen couples counseling benefit the parents specifically.

The Top-Down Approach

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There’s a saying here in the South: “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I’ve found that statement is often true for these couples as well. When parents are dealing with their own issues as a couple, their parenting typically becomes easier. The ability to make decisions, to react appropriately, and to set limits and boundaries for their children can be less stressful when they find support in one another. This is true of any family, but it is even more crucial for the autism-affected family, as their stress tends to be compounded by lack of sleep, health concerns, and the pressure of making decisions that may affect the child’s growth and education.

Children with autism can be extra sensitive to the emotional state of those around them. So when the parents ignore their own emotional and relational needs, the child may have more difficulty coping in the household. Additionally, self-regulation is typically a challenge for kids on the spectrum, so if a parent has not learned how to manage their own outbursts, it’s unlikely the child will either.

Processing the Grief

In my office, the first place I start with a couple is in processing their grief. Couples who have received a new diagnosis of autism for their child are usually in a tremendous amount of emotional pain. This is an experience they did not necessarily sign up for, and adjusting to it can be difficult. In my experience as a parent, my son developed typically during the first year and a half of his life and then regressed. This was both confusing and heartbreaking, as it caused me to question my parenting ability.

The primary area where I see couples struggle is in feeling alone because the other person isn’t “on the same page.”

Grief is generally the source of the couple’s pain and an area that many parents need to be encouraged to venture into. This is where the counselor can be extremely helpful. From a therapist perspective, I like to start by asking about the diagnosis experience. Having each parent tell their story of how it unfolded can have tremendous benefits for the relationship, as it tends to move that grief process forward. Few people ask parents what it’s like for them, and the diagnosis experience has been identified in the research as one of the most difficult. It can even result in posttraumatic stress reactions (Kuhn 2006). This grief also tends to be cyclical, as it may come back around during different times of maturation in the child’s life. A counselor who is aware of these issues can help a couple navigate these rough waters.

Making Decisions Together/Getting on the Same Page

The primary area where I see couples struggle is in feeling alone because the other person isn’t “on the same page.” Often this can be due to being in different stages of the grief process. But it also can come as a result of ineffective communication skills or poor relationship boundaries. I’ve heard comments in my office such as, “If my husband would only read this book I just finished, he would understand our son better!” or, “If my wife would just give our daughter a good spanking, she would behave in the grocery store!” While these statements are not only (in my opinion) untrue, they are also indications the couple may be more interested in being “right” than “connected.” Or perhaps they don’t feel they are being heard.

Since autism encompasses multiple areas of functioning in a child, there are many areas where the couple’s opinions can collide. Special diets, deciding between therapies, and discipline strategies are just a few of the areas where my husband and I have collided. However, it was often less about the decision to be made and more about our own “stuff” that had been there all along. Once we learned how to set healthy boundaries with each other, to communicate effectively and respectfully, and to nurture one another’s needs, we could make these decisions more effectively and without resentment.

Finding a Counselor Who “Gets It”

I’m often told by the people who come to me for help that they feel better just knowing I’ve been where they are. While it is true that a shared experience can be helpful, it is only one of many things a counselor can bring to the table. When looking for a counselor who can help most effectively, it may be best to find someone who has good clinical couples counseling skills, who is licensed to do the work, and who has a few additional skills in the areas of grief, parenting, and even trauma. Someone who specializes in autism spectrum issues would be ideal, but clinicians specializing in coping with chronic illness also have the skill set necessary to help you navigate the autism road. The designation is less about autism being identified as an “illness” (although some of these children have multiple health issues), but rather the self-care and life-balance skills these clinicians incorporate into their specialty.

In the 20 years we’ve been raising my son, I can honestly say the road has not been easy, nor has maintaining a healthy marriage. But as clichéd as it may sound, it has made my husband and I better people, and our relationship has improved as a result of the work we have done. I’m not sure if we would have been able to get here without that pain, but what I am sure of is we wouldn’t have made it alone. Autism cannot be faced without support, and counseling is one of the things that helped us get where we are today.

Reference:

Kuhn, J. C., & Carter, A. S. (2006). Maternal self-efficacy and associated parenting cognitions among mothers of children with autism. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 76(4), 564-575. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0002-9432.76.4.564

“I have no friends,” said a recent high school sophomore during an emotional therapy session. She’s not alone—I hear it daily working with adolescent girls. As adults, we often scoff and wonder how this could be. But the truth is, teenagers today feel isolated and more alone than ever. Even in the age of social media, with constant digital connection, lack of deep friendships is creating a secluded void.

While everyone feels lonely from time to time, the number of teenagers who tell me they feel friendless is unnerving. When I probe deeper and ask why they feel this way, and how it happened, similar patterns emerge across the board.

• It starts to unravel in middle school, after successfully navigating friendships in elementary school.
• The unraveling tends to start with a friendship conflict. Sometimes it’s a jealousy situation, sometimes it involves peer pressure or fear, and sometimes it’s a popularity contest.
• Teens feel shunned by former friends, and they can’t seem to get the relationship back on track.
• Teens have a hard time making new friends because they are not sure who is trustworthy.
• Teens feel like social media are a blessing and a curse.
• Teens feel isolated, vulnerable, and alone.

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As adults, we are often quick to think, “Just go make a friend.” Today, it isn’t that easy. There are social media platforms to navigate, reputations to discern, disconnections to hurdle. It can feel overwhelming to start. Whether accurate or not, any perceived challenge can make a teen more likely to not reach out to someone as a friend. For instance, it’s a common perception among teens to view themselves as unlikable. “She doesn’t like me, she never even looks at me in the hallway,” I hear often.

Even in the age of constant virtual connectedness, we live with personal and intimate disconnectedness. Teens can have “friends” on Facebook but often feel left out when others are having fun on Saturday night and they weren’t invited. Classmates may comment on a teen’s Instagram photo but forget to invite them to join a movie night.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless.

Social media also provide an inherent friendship killer—competition. That’s what social media are often used for—showing off, looking cool, and stirring envy. Taking a selfie is often work for teens. They may feel the need to look their best from every angle, and it often takes a few tries to get it “right.” When the end result turns out to be a fabulous photo, social media followers may forget that the person in the photo can also have zits, a broken heart, and family conflict.

How can teens learn to have healthy friendships in this competitive, disconnected culture we live in? Here are 10 suggestions you can give your teen:

1. Some people are popular only because everyone is afraid of them. That is no way to have friends; that’s a dictatorship! Look around at the people who are friendly, but not super popular—that’s where you’re likely to find the people who stay out of drama.
2. Understand that there can be levels of friends. You can have a class friend, a tennis friend, and a best friend. They are all important to your well-being!
3. You can’t always find friendship in your phone. Look up and outward. Put your phone away and connect in person. Start with a friendly smile and work up from there to a kind “hello.”
4. Have an acquaintance whom you like? Take a risk and ask them to do something with you. Go to Starbucks, see a movie, do a project. Even if you are scared, ask. Taking risks and asking often deepens relationships.
5. Try a new activity. If you are an artist, join Art Club! That is where your kind of people are probably hanging out.
6. Don’t be so quick to assume that everyone dislikes you. What do they know about you? Do you walk through the halls with your head down and a distressed look on your face? You could be inadvertently sending an inaccurate impression visually. Maybe lighten up a bit, walk to class with a friendly face, and take a chance by smiling at someone. See what happens as an experiment.
7. Look for evidence. Are you sure that person “hates” you? What are the facts? Feelings are not facts—we need to look for actual evidence to support your feelings. Maybe you’ll find you didn’t have all the facts and misread a situation.
8. Learn social skills. Find safe topics that everyone likes to talk about such as food, animals, weather, television shows, and holidays. Ask questions, don’t give one-word answers, and be polite. Learn the art of interviewing – it’s essential to get to know someone!
9. Be vulnerable. Tell someone something about yourself. Start with a small detail that you don’t care if people know and grow it from there.
10. Assume people are good and want to have a friend. Almost everyone wants to be connected.

Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless. Understanding the impact of social media, lack of personal togetherness, and the absence of trust can help adults guide teenagers through the vulnerable emotions of friendship making.

In our first session, Isabel, an agitated newcomer to therapy, declared: “I can’t stand it when Molly is upset about anything. For 16 years, it’s been my job to keep her happy and make sure nothing interferes with her always feeling good about herself. I get anxious when she’s anxious, and I work very hard to make sure her bad feelings go away. I don’t feel like a good mother unless I make sure Molly never has uncomfortable feelings.”

At first glance, it’s easy to conclude that Isabel’s comment is the expression of a parent who wants to see their child grow up to be a happy, self-confident person. Indeed, Isabel is dedicated to raising Molly to become a person with high self-regard and the ability to have successful relationships and positive feelings about life. While this is a laudable goal, Isabel’s method for helping Molly attain it is flawed.

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Isabel’s statement captures the viewpoint of many parents who believe good parenting means never letting their child have intolerable feelings. This raises questions about the consequences for children of parents such as Isabel. I am going to explore this parenting experience and look at the potential impact on the children when parents smooth over or facilitate the avoidance of anxieties and other uncomfortable emotions.

Developing Competence with Uncomfortable Feelings

From childhood through adulthood, the ability to tolerate uncomfortable and unwanted feelings is essential for negotiating every kind of relationship. If we learn early on that we have the wherewithal to get through situations that make us uneasy, anxious, unhappy, angry, etc., we are in a good position to manage our lives. This is learned through repeated encounters with these feelings, the successes and failures of dealing with them, and finally the experience of oneself as competent to manage.

By running interference for uncomfortable feelings, Isabel has been depriving Molly of developing her capacity to regulate her own emotions by feeling them and developing comfort with them. This constricts Molly’s ability to relate and leaves her without the necessary experiences that promote resilience and competence with her anxieties. Instead, she must find ways to defend against these unwanted feeling states and/or remain dependent on others to make them tolerable.

The Dance of Anxiety

Isabel has lived her life avoiding her own difficult feelings and now is devoted to protecting Molly from unwanted emotions. For Isabel, Molly’s discomfort or unhappiness is not simply a painful affect that they both must endure; rather, it is a signal that she is failing at her job of mothering. This signal creates intolerable anxieties for Isabel which, along with Molly’s uncomfortable feelings, must be eliminated. The need to protect herself and Molly from such unwanted feelings has become a central dynamic of her mothering.

The difficult issue for both Molly and Isabel is they both require the absence of anxiety. But each makes the other anxious. Molly has been a participant in this mother-daughter dynamic for most of her 16 years. The awareness that her anxiety makes her mother anxious makes her more anxious. This creates the (often unconscious) dilemma of how to both make her mother comfortable and get rid of her own anxiety. As a result, there is a dance of anxiety in which each partner attempts, but often fails, to self-regulate and simultaneously regulate the other.

In our work together, Isabel has come to understand that her anxiety over Molly’s emotional state has created problems for their relationship:

“I know I have to stop constantly taking her emotional temperature,” Isabel said. “Things between us are not so good. She’s getting older and I can see that she has a lot of anxiety about herself and her life. In the past few months, we’ve started fighting. It’s crazy-making. Either she yells at me that I’m controlling her and that I should butt out of her life or she comes to me in an agitated state and needs to be talked off a ledge about something. The thing is, I do help her and then we have a respite and I’m the good mother again and she seems happy—and I am too.”

I asked Isabel what she thought about Molly’s recent confrontational behaviors. She sighed a large sigh and responded:

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings.

“Well, you and I have been talking for some time now and I get that my anxiety over Molly’s feeling states hasn’t given her tools to grow up or take risks and learn that she’s capable of taking care of herself. I know in my head it’s a good thing for Molly that she can assert herself with me. She’s been so dependent on me and I don’t like to admit that I like that. But I can still get scared when she is upset. When she confronts me, I know she is having emotions that are too much for her. I feel so guilty that I become like the scared child I was with my parents and I do whatever she wants so she won’t be upset with me.”

What Isabel is describing captures two important issues that her behavior with Molly has impacted:

1. Limit setting: Because she can’t tolerate Molly’s unhappiness, Isabel has been unable to set limits for Molly when she experiences Molly’s unhappiness or displeasure with a limit. For example, when Molly gets angry at something Isabel asserts, Isabel can’t manage her own feelings and quickly gives in to make both their bad feelings disappear.

When there are no limits or when the child has too much power or control, she may become frightened (often unconsciously) with being given so much sway over a parent. Feelings of safety and being taken care of are compromised when the caretakers are not in control. Without a safe base growing up, independent actions and thoughts become risky, impeding the process of separation/individuation.

2. Dependency: Difficulties in future relationships are likely as Molly has not learned to self-regulate and has come to rely on significant others to maintain her positive emotional equilibrium, often at the cost of not knowing her own mind.

Relationships are dominated by the need to avoid intolerable feelings. In order to guarantee that others are pleased and no one has unwanted feelings, consideration and knowledge of what one wants is surrendered to others. There is a need to be agreeable, have no differing or opposing thoughts and feelings, and, in general, control the feelings of others to ensure everyone’s happy, satisfied feelings. This creates dependence on others for reassurance and approval of wishes, desires, and choices.

Anxiety About Anxiety

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings. In situations where the upset is so unbearable, the need to protect oneself may require hiding these feelings from one’s own conscious awareness, causing dissociation in the service of managing the feelings that emerge in interaction with others.

The dilemma of how to stay anxiety-free may lead Molly to become dependent on her mother for assurances that her life decisions are acceptable and will not create anxiety for either one. If she hands over this process to her mother, she will not develop the ability to regulate her own feelings and she will deprive herself of developing an identity separate from her mother: who she is and what she wants will be determined by the guideline of safety first—no intolerable feelings, not for Molly and not for her mother. It can become unclear who is taking care of whom. If Molly begins to feel trapped by this situation, she may also choose to deal with her discomfort and her mother’s anxiety by detaching from or rejecting her mother. For Molly, both dissociation and detachment would result in disconnection from herself.

Isabel could also deal with her anxiety by dissociating or detaching from Molly. This implies that, for the most part, her feelings about Molly would be largely on hold. While a parent could unconsciously solve the anxiety dance by unconsciously opting to anesthetize themselves, it is hard to imagine that Isabel would, under any circumstances, become so emotionally disconnected from Molly.

Isabel and I have been working on a strategy that requires conscious cooperation with herself. We have been talking about how she can reframe her “bad mother” thoughts to understand that allowing Molly to have her uncomfortable feelings is an act of good mothering that enables Molly to develop the skills to regulate her own feelings. Isabel intellectually understands that she and Molly need to be less dependent on each other for maintaining comfortable feeling states. She also recognizes she is in a symbiotic relationship with Molly that keeps Molly from being able to reflect about her own life and learn about her own wants and needs.

It is painful for Isabel to move beyond her intellectual understanding of her impact on Molly:

“I just don’t know if I can get there. I want to be able to feel like a good mother when I stand by and don’t soothe and reassure Molly. But it’s scary when I’m aware I did something that upsets her and I don’t jump in and make it okay. I’ve been trying, and she seems more anxious and she gets angry at me, which is horrible. I keep telling myself that she has to learn that she can take care of her own feelings. I tell myself she is not responsible to make me feel good. I tell myself over and over. I’m beginning to hear myself, but it’s so, so, so hard to listen to myself. But I do know I have to do this for Molly, even if it seems I’m hurting her. I hope you will stay with me while I keep trying.”

I will.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Little research on narcissistic parental alienation exists, and many who have experienced this aspect of narcissism are desperate to find help. This article is written to address the issue from a psychological perspective only, in an effort to provide those coping with this situation with tips and strategies. However, it is also possible to seek legal assistance.

What Is Parental Alienation?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome refers to the psychological manipulation of a child by an alienating parent (the narcissistic parent). The manipulation typically results in the child’s rejection, disdain, and lack of empathy toward the other, targeted parent.

While parental alienation may occur even when narcissism is not a factor, for the purposes of this article, I will discuss parental alienation that has been instigated by a narcissistic parent.

If you are the “targeted” parent of this syndrome, or if you are trying to help a targeted parent, then the following strategies may be helpful.

You may have to engage, even if you prefer to avoid conflict.

Some of the alienated parents I’ve worked with have called this a battle, while others found this term too light and preferred “war.” Even when you don’t want to fight with your co-parent, their behavior may force you to take action to maintain custody or visitation of your children.

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You might have tried to collaborate with your co-parent. You might have suggested finding a therapist together and even tried bringing them to relationship or family counseling. But if the person with narcissism doesn’t want to participate in therapy, does not believe they have done anything wrong, or has no desire to change, you are unlikely to get very far. It helps to understand you do not have a “typical” situation on your hands. The person with narcissism may have already managed to manipulate or damage your sense of self in many ways. You might feel as if they have dashed your dreams for love and crushed your heart. What do you do now that they also seem bound and determined to take away the children you value more than anything else?

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children. You will have to figure out how to parent your children in spite of the feelings you have for the other parent and the feelings and behaviors they are demonstrating toward you.

A good place to begin is to figure out how to make peace with reality. It’s generally unhelpful to ruminate over the unfairness of it all, your feelings of hatred and hurt, or the fact things have become so difficult. You will likely have these negative thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but you may be able to better process them by talking them over with friends and family or your counselor and by keeping track of them in a journal.

Create a plan and develop your resources.

Dealing with parental alienation is not easy. It can be exceedingly painful when your children resist your attempts to connect or view you as the “bad” parent, which is often the case. In your hurt, or out of a wish to do what’s best for your children, you might wonder if it’s better to give up the fight. But this could mean giving up custody, your right to parent your own children or even see them as much as you’d like.

Battles cannot be fought alone. You will need many resources to navigate the difficult terrain that lies ahead. Some potential resources include allies, legal experts, strong boundaries, self-care strategies, a good counselor, parenting strategies, and personal strength. If a person is manipulating you as well as your children, the manipulation may reach a point where you feel as if you are unable to trust in your own reality. Having a friend or family member present when you need to have discussions with your co-parent may be a helpful way to stay grounded. A good counselor can help you explore the best ways to talk about the situation with your children and may also recommend family counseling.

It can also be helpful to join a support group for parents affected by parental alienation. If you can’t find one locally, you may still be able to find helpful resources and web support. If you can find people who’ve experienced similar situations, their advice may be helpful, at least as a form of support.

Develop a plan, with the help of your counselor and legal aid, to address and face and allegations that may be made against you. Do you have proof to counter claims you know to be lies? Track down proof. Keep a record of any incidents or contradictory statements, without engaging or participating in conflict with your co-parent. Arrange to have a friend or trusted family member when you meet your co-parent to pick up or drop off your children. This can be a good idea for your own well-being and safety, but a witness may also be useful in the event of a legal battle.

The bottom line is, having supportive friends and family can help you get through this challenge. You need these people so you can process your feelings, receive good counsel, and develop a plan to move forward.

Take good care of yourself.

I believe it’s especially important to remember to love yourself through this chapter of your life. Practice forgiveness toward yourself for small mistakes you may have made in the past, as a spouse or as a parent, and offer yourself compassion and understanding instead. If your relationship was characterized by abuse, remember that you are out of it now. Reminding yourself of your resolve to live abuse-free can be a good first step, but then remind yourself that this can extend to include any harsh self-criticism that exists within your own mind. Remember: self-compassion is essential for moving forward.

Your physical health is also important. To maintain good physical health, try to eat nutritious foods and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Be mindful of the link between emotional and physical health: having affirming, safe people in your circle of influence can help you stay positive and keep your wits about you. It can be even more difficult to withstand the pressure if you aren’t taking good care of your health—emotional and physical—so commit to making self-care a top priority.

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children.

If you are a religious or spiritual person, turning to spiritual or religious leaders in your community and the higher power you believe in can help you feel both stronger and not alone. Whether you meditate, pray, or connect in some other way, many find it beneficial to “fill” empty psychological reserves in this spiritual way.

Use wisdom.

Think back to strategies your co-parent may have used to manipulate you in the past and remember not to allow these same tactics to work on you now. It may be difficult to realize you are being manipulated as it’s happening, especially when you are primarily concerned for your children. Try to use your own feelings as a guide. Do you feel angry, confused, guilty, or ashamed? Take a moment to consider why you feel that way.

If you believe you are being manipulated, don’t allow yourself to react heatedly, but plan ahead for when the same strategies might be used with your children. Talk over your options with your counselor. Developing firm boundaries and sticking to them can help you avoid “traps.”

If, over the course of the relationship you had with your co-parent, you gained knowledge of the particular tactics they used—lying, gaslighting, boundary violation, anger, or playing the victim, to name a few–you may be able to use this knowledge, even if only to prepare and forewarn yourself.

You may feel anger and other similar emotions toward the other parent. You may have chosen to practice forgiveness. You may understand their actions stem from a mental health concern, such as narcissism. Regardless of how you think of the situation, it can be helpful to remain calm when dealing with the co-parent in person. Try to contain your emotions and feelings instead of giving them the reaction they may be seeking.

Know your weaknesses.

The other parent likely already knows your weaknesses, and they may attempt to use these against you.

I believe that the best way to counteract exploitation of your weaknesses is to know these weaknesses yourself. Be honest and open with yourself. If this is something you struggle with, it can help to explore this with your counselor. Developing your personal strength can help you learn to accept your weaknesses as part of you and embrace them. If there are aspects of these you can and would like to change, you can work on a plan to do so.

But even simply acknowledging your areas of weakness is a great exercise in self-acceptance. Once you can embrace your own fears and perceived faults, these things are likely to lose any hold they have on you. If you are okay with yourself, with all of who you are, it will be much more difficult for someone to use any aspect of your self against you.

Don’t lose focus on your strengths, either, as you consider your weaknesses.

Don’t compete.

Sometimes parents attempt to buy the loyalty of their child(ren) by pulling out all the bells and whistles when it comes to promises, gifts, and privileges. The parent may not explicitly state these things are exchanged for the children’s loyalty, but this is generally implied or clearly communicated non-verbally.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to compete, but instead, try to focus on yourself and your own parenting values. It is still important for you to understand the dilemma your children are facing. Without a full understanding of the situation, these bells and whistles are attractive to them. Understand this, and also the manipulative tactics at play.

What may bring you greater peace of mind than an attempt to compete with your co-parent is consideration of what you have to offer your children. What are your personal strengths and values? While they may not be tangible or have monetary value, “gifts” of intrinsic value will sustain your children throughout their lives:

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day.

1. Empathy
2. Validation
3. Love
4. Security
5. Stability
6. Kindness
7. Strength
8. Good role-modeling
9. Truth
10. Presence
11. Attunement
12. Healthy attachment
13. Abuse-free environment

Your children may not immediately recognize the worth of these values, but be constant in your demonstration of love and affection for them, and commit to practicing these values, even when it is difficult.

Enjoy your life.

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day. Notice the good things you do have and keep in mind the things in life you are thankful for, instead of focusing on the negative.

Another helpful practice is demonstrating resilience and confidence each day to your children. You do this by living these values, by genuinely showing your children your strength and love for them. Children may naturally gravitate toward strength. If you can show yourself and your children unwavering and positive strength through the process of living well, you may be able to minimize any damage caused by the other parent. This may, in fact, be one of the most important things you do for your children in the long run.

I hope some of these strategies are helpful as you attempt to manage the challenges that may come your way when co-parenting while experiencing parental alienation. Narcissistic abuse is often so personalized and insidious that it can be difficult for people who have not experienced it to fully understand how daunting and far-reaching it can be. Regardless of how much support you have, you may feel alone, as if other people in your life have no clue what you are up against.

But remember that you are not alone. Developing trust and faith in yourself, and prioritizing your well-being, can help you remain strong. If you aren’t already working with a compassionate therapist or counselor, finding one who has training or experience appropriate for your situation can also be of great benefit.

References:

1. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
2. Darnell, D. (2008). Symptoms of parental alienation. PsyCare. Retrieved from https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html
3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.

What are social skills?

These are behaviors and other forms of communication necessary to effectively create and maintain relationships. Social skills might include things like initiating conversations, making friends, having good sportsmanship, and handling bullying effectively.

Social skills are one of the most important skills children and adolescents develop, as they often serve as predictors of future success. Researchers from Pennsylvania State University and Duke University found that youth who scored higher on social skills measurements were four times more likely to graduate from an undergraduate institution. Social skills have also been linked to job success, independence, and emotional well-being. Those with adaptive social skills often demonstrate superior ability to observe, problem solve, and respond in social situations.

Though some may believe undeveloped or lacking social skills indicate that a child may be neurodiverse or on the autism spectrum, this is not always the case. Although most children naturally pick up social cues and behaviors, many children do not. Some kids get caught up in gossip, others may simply be impulsive in the way they respond.

It is not uncommon, however, to find children who have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, autism, ADHD, and other concerns to experience greater challenges with social interaction and relating to others. This is usually the case because symptoms of these conditions are likely to get in the way of their socialization. [fat_widget_right]

The Impact of Underdeveloped Social Skills

Children do not need to be social butterflies. Indeed, each child will have their own personality traits that help inform the way they interact with others. However, positive relationships in life generally help most individuals thrive. Children and teenagers with well-developed social skills are likely to gain confidence in their abilities to approach situations and complete tasks more successfully.

Social skills are one of the most important skills children and adolescents develop, as they often serve as predictors of future success.

It is important for parents to notice and evaluate any difficulties your child faces. Peer rejection, bullying, conflict, social isolation, depression, anger, anxiety, and poor academic performance may all be signs of poor social skills.  Addressing these issues when first noticed will help parents, teachers, and other professionals develop a plan to work with the child to improve their behavior or address social skill challenges. This will typically help the child begin to feel better, too.

When any challenges related to social skills and interaction are not addressed, these issues may persist as a child grows up, and they can become severe enough to have a significant impact on interaction, academic performance, and even the ability to enter the workforce and thrive as an adult.

Can Social Skills Be Taught?

I believe it is absolutely possible for children to learn social skills. Parents, teachers, and mental health professionals can all work, independently and/or collaboratively, to help children develop their social skills.

There are many types of social skills, and it is important to know which areas your child needs help with.

The following are the four types of social skills identified in scholarly literature:

1. Survival skills: Listening, ignoring, following directions
2. Interpersonal skills: Sharing, joining a conversation, taking turns talking
3. Problem-solving skills: Asking for help, deciding what to do/appropriate action to take, recognizing when to apologize
4. Conflict resolution skills: Dealing with teasing and bullying, losing/being a good sport, handling peer pressure

The teaching of social skills should focus on desirable behaviors. In other words, parents and educators are encouraged to focus on the behaviors they want to see, not the ones they do not want to see. For example, it’s generally a better idea to teach children phrases they can use to start a conversation, rather than telling them something like, “Don’t ignore people when they talk to you!”

It is also important to allow children the opportunity to practice. Social skills are complex and take time to master. Under the right conditions most children will show improvements, but it’s difficult to improve without the chance to practice.

If a child continues to find social skills challenging after parental and classroom assistance and/or is having difficulties with relational conflict or bullying, is impulsive or shy around others, and has difficulties with peer pressure or making social decisions, it may be time to seek professional help.

Social skills are an important aspect of life, so you may want to enroll your child in a social skills group. Groups are a great place to learn social skills because they typically provide direct instruction, modeling, role-playing, team building activities, and positive reinforcement.

There are many types of social skills groups available, and it is important to find the right social skills group for your child or teen. Make sure the group is designed for your child’s age and that it addresses the specific social skills concerns your child has. It is always a good idea to consult with your child’s current therapist (if one is currently working with your child) and the facilitator of the skills group to go over any questions you may have before your child joins the group.

References:

1. Goldstein, A. P., & McGinnis, E.  (2001).  Skillstreaming the adolescent:  New strategies and perspectives for teaching prosocial skills. Champaign, IL. Research Press.
2. Laugeson, E. A. (2017). PEERS® for young adults: Social skills training for adults with autism spectrum disorder and other social challenges. NY: Routledge.
3. Social skills: Promoting positive behavior, academic success, and school safety. (2017, December 20). NASP Center. Retrieved from http://www.naspcenter.org/factsheets/socialskills_fs.html

Maybe there is an increase of bullying in our society. Maybe there is an increase in awareness. Either way, it is getting a lot of attention these days. Teachers and parents are sensitized to the signs of bullying and are becoming more skilled at breaking the cycle and protecting bullied children. But what happens when the bully is not a classmate or a teammate or a neighbor? What happens when the bully is in the victim’s own home? Recent research in Great Britain suggests the effects are severe and long-term.

Since time immemorial, siblings have pried their way under each other’s skin. Arguing and jockeying for position in the family are part of growing up. The problem is that sometimes parents misunderstand what they are witnessing in their children. What they view as sibling rivalry can actually be bullying. There is a simple way to tell the difference.

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When two children are sparring, it is easy to observe that they are both upset and both engaged in the clash. Parents can intervene and set the rules of engagement, teach the value of mutual respect, and offer children templates for managing disagreements at home and with those they may face in the world outside the home. But when one sibling is bullying another, it is only the bully who is engaged and seeming to delight in the taunting. The bullied child is miserable. The only response for parents is to stop the bullying. Period. There is no false equivalency: they are not equally at fault. There is no need for mutual apology. There is only stopping the aggression and offering solace and protection to the victim.

Most sibling bullying takes the form of name-calling and insults, both of which are passive-aggressive behaviors the bully can deny when confronted. “She’s taking it too seriously!” “She started it!” “If she weren’t such a brat, this would not have happened.” It is never the bully’s fault. The bully loves to play the role of victim. And the bully can be very convincing to parents who are too distracted or too exhausted to figure out what is really going on.

Meanwhile, the victim—for the purposes of this article, we’ll use young girls as our examples—feels unsafe in her own home. She returns from school with dread every day, emotionally defended and prepared for a shellacking by her sister, who can be older or younger than she is. She learns that her parents cannot or will not intervene on her behalf. She feels defenseless and begins to doubt her own perception. It is a form of gaslighting: the bully sibling makes the victim wonder whether she really is the nasty, incompetent, bratty person the bully is telling her she is.

The likely victim in sibling bullying is the child who is sensitive and thoughtful. The bully is likely to have problems which the parents do not see. These can be related to being bullied herself at school, for example, or they can be the result of transferring the effects of her own trauma onto someone else. Often in dysfunctional families where a child feels unsupported or ignored, that child will take it out on a sibling because for any number of reasons she fears that going directly at the parent would crash her own fragile world, regardless of how unpleasant it may be.

There are also other, less obvious, explanations for bullying a sibling. Children can have personality conditions, just as adults can. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) offers a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder to describe children under the age of 18 who exhibit behaviors devoid of compassion and empathy for others. The adult version of this is antisocial personality. This is a potentially serious problem.

It is a daunting situation for a parent to face the possibility that a child might need psychotherapeutic care. Sometimes, it is more than parents can bear to face. They feel ashamed, somehow responsible, for the behavior of their bullying child. Though bullies crop up more often in families with trauma, alcoholism, or other chronic dysfunction, these components are not always in place. Sometimes, with all the best of support and parental supervision, children need help from professionals. Bullies generally are not happy people, as children or as adults.

If you’re a parent, closely monitor your children’s arguing. Be certain that’s actually what you are seeing. If the playing field is not level and one child enjoys the other child’s distress, you are not looking at normal sibling development. You are looking at bullying, and your role as a parent is to stop it immediately.

But there is plenty of material available to parents to help them disarm bullies. My concern here is with the victim. Often, it is the victim who is told by well-meaning parents either to ignore the bully or to fight back. Neither of these approaches feels possible to the typical victim child. And neither is effective, anyway: ignoring a bully is tantamount to goading her, and fighting back is unrealistic advice for a child whose temperament is neither adversarial nor combative.

She is at risk for low self-esteem, depression, and even self-harm as a result of being bullied by a sibling who renders the home an unsafe place. Where is the victim to go? Children have neither the means nor the power to remove themselves from an environment that is so painful. She is stuck enduring the grief until she can manage to leave home for college or move on to the workforce and her own apartment.

But she is insufficiently prepared. She might develop a sarcastic style, for example, which pushes people away from her when she most needs contact with others and trusted friends. She is deeply wounded. She rejects herself the way her bullying sibling rejected her for all those years. She does not feel lovable. She is deeply sad. And she doesn’t understand why. These consequences can go on for a victim’s entire life. She can forever struggle with self-doubt and negative self-talk, taking over the belittling work of the bully long after both have left home.

A sensitive and talented child can remain hobbled if sibling bullying is left unaddressed. It is not unusual for bully and victim roles to continue well into adulthood. If the victim marries and has her own children, and then finally comes to see it is in her best interest to sever relations with her bullying sibling, her own children and family may condemn her for what they do not understand, and which she is unable to adequately explain.

If you’re a parent, closely monitor your children’s arguing. Be certain that’s actually what you are seeing. If the playing field is not level and one child enjoys the other child’s distress, you are not looking at normal sibling development. You are looking at bullying, and your role as a parent is to stop it immediately. This is in the interest of both the victim and the bully.

If you are an adult struggling with the confusing long-term damage of having been bullied at home, supportive counseling can help you understand yourself better. You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn’t understand what was happening) and that it was your parents’ responsibility to intervene and protect you (which they didn’t, for reasons unique to them). You can also unravel the roots of any current problems you may have with confidence and self-worth. Please don’t be surprised if they derive from the way your sibling treated you as a child. And please be alert to the possibility this behavior may be continuing toward you in the present. Counseling can help you identify ongoing toxic relationships in your family of origin and guide you toward setting boundaries in order to stop behaviors that are harmful to you.

It is unlikely you can disarm a sibling who bullied you as a child and who is now an adult. Adult bullies tend to become ever more adept at the plausible deniability inherent in passive-aggressive behavior (“Oh, that’s not what I meant,” for example, when you try, however cautiously, to hold them accountable for poor behavior). This isn’t to say change isn’t possible.

Finally, it is important to remember that no happy person would choose to bully another, regardless of their insistence that they are happy and you are the problem. Compassion you may feel for the bully can only take you so far, however. You must also take steps to guard yourself from the ongoing effects of their continued disrespect toward you.

Reference:

Bowes, L., Wolke, D., Joinson, C., Lereya, S. T., & Lewis, G. (2014, September 8). Sibling bullying and risk of depression, anxiety, and self-harm: A prospective cohort study. Pediatrics. doi: 10.1542/peds.2014-0832

“[W]hen you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. ‘Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I’ll clean up! Let me stay up!’ Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. ‘Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.’ ”

Whenever I think about parenting, I think of the above quote by Jerry Seinfeld from one of his HBO specials. Doesn’t it just speak to the truth about parenting and the dynamic between kids and parents? As a parent, it can often feel like we spend the entire day trying to wrangle our youthful and energetic counterparts. To do that, it is not uncommon to use words such as “no,” “don’t,” and “stop.” But do you notice a common thread? The words and phrases we tend to fall back on are, at their core, negative. What parent wants to spend the whole day saying “no” to their child? What child wants to spend all day hearing “no”?

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As parents, many of us want to encourage our children to explore, grow, and learn, all while staying safe. In service of those goals, it is important to set boundaries and help guide our children to make healthy choices. While a quick “no,” “don’t,” or “stop” is often the fastest way to draw those boundaries and address unwanted behavior, it also may limit growth and can build resentment, rebellion, and frustration (on both sides).

So, if not “no,” then what?

1. Reframe the Boundary as a Positive Directive

Saying “no” tells your child what not to do, but does it teach them what you want them to do instead? The answer is—you guessed it—no. You want to both set the boundary and teach the behavior you want to see. Not only will it be a more positive interaction, but your child will know what you want from them in the future. Some examples:

• Instead of saying, “No running in the halls,” say, “We walk in the halls.”
• Instead of saying, “Don’t bounce the ball inside,” say, “We bounce the ball outside.”
• Instead of saying, “No candy before dinner,” say, “We eat sweets after dinner.”

2. Redirect Your Child

Instead of getting into the “no” power struggle, simply redirect your child’s attention to another, more appropriate activity.

What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do.

3. Model the Appropriate Behavior

As the saying goes, your actions speak louder than your words. What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do. I can’t tell you how many times I watch my toddler go to grab our dog’s tail and want to yell out, “No, stop!” Instead, I take a moment to walk over and show her how to pet Cooper while saying, “Cooper likes to have his back pet gently.” Or, “See how Mommy is petting Cooper?” You can also model without directly calling attention to it. Remember, your child is always watching you and taking a cue for how to act. As another example, if you don’t want them to have their phone at the table, you should not have your phone at the table.

4. Give Choices

Children like to feel in control of themselves and their surroundings, and hearing “no” can lead to frustration and sometimes power struggles. To help set boundaries but also give your child room for control, offer a choice. Instead of saying, “No throwing the ball in the house,” try saying, “You can either roll the ball in the house or take it outside to throw it.” This is a strategy I frequently use with my toddler. My daughter often likes to walk independently when we are out, but her walk often turns into a sprint and it can be quite dangerous. So, instead of saying, “No running,” I give her a choice to either walk and hold my hand or be carried. I give her the power of choice, and she is often content with the decision she gets to make.

Conclusion

Of course, it is impossible to refrain from negative directives altogether, and sometimes “no” is an important and necessary response to children. However, recognize that both you and your child are likely to feel better and your child will likely learn more if you use some of the strategies above.

For more ideas to help you achieve desired behavioral outcomes with children, contact a licensed therapist who specializes in this area.

Reference:

Callner, M. (1998). Jerry Seinfeld: I’m telling you for the last time. [TV Special]. USA: Home Box Office.

In my practice, I work with many people who are transgender. The ages of those I’ve worked with over the years range from 5 (yes, 5) to 65, and the single most common complaint I have heard from these individuals is that their loved ones have said or done something that leads them to question the validity of their identity.

To illustrate: teenagers I work with will often tell me that when they approached their parents to talk about identifying as trans, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, or any other identity on the spectrum, their parents’ first response was, “Are you sure this isn’t a phase?” While parents may have meant this harmlessly, and only intended to seek information about what was going on with their child, this language is not validating and is likely to leave the child (or adult) feeling unsupported and as if who they are doesn’t matter.

The phrases below are a few examples of what not to say when a child (or anyone you know!) comes out to as trans. I also offer some suggestions to consider that may lead to a more productive conversation and help your child feel validated and supported.

Here are a few things NOT to say in these situations. I also offer, for your consideration, some suggestions that may lead to a more productive conversation. [fat_widget_right]

“Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”

It’s a good idea to avoid this question because it questions the basic understanding your child or teen has of themselves. When I work with parents, I often suggest we simply meet the child where they are right then, without considering how “sure” or “unsure” they may be of their identity. While a few of the people I have worked with have identified differently on the spectrum throughout their lives, none of them considered any of those identifications as a “phase.” I went through a phase of dying my hair pink and wearing studded bracelets. But I did not go through a phase of identifying as female. I have always been aware of my female identity, just as people who are trans are aware of their own identities.

Gender identity is exactly what it says: identity. It is an intrinsic part of who a person is. Would you question a person’s identity based on race or religion and ask them if it was a “phase”? It may be helpful to view gender identity in the same way. If today your child tells you they are trans, then it’s best to go with that until they tell you otherwise.

“Don’t you think you should date a person of X gender first?”

Gender identity and sexuality are completely different entities. Often, the parents of the people I work with confuse the two. Though they are trying to better understand their child’s disclosure by asking questions like these, they are simultaneously completely misunderstanding what their child is telling them.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent.

For example, a transgender man (a person who was assigned female at birth might also identify as FtM (female to male) does not need to have a romantic or sexual relationship with another man in order to know whether he is truly male. Being romantically involved with a man (or person of any gender) does not inform a trans person’s sense of gender identity—in the same way a cisgender woman (person who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as female) would not have to date a man to know she is female, only whether she is sexually attracted to men.

“You are too young.”

To this, I simply say “Wrong.”

I understand a lot of people may struggle with the idea that young children can know their gender identity at such a young age. Sure, preschool and kindergarten years are a relatively gender-fluid time as it is, and gender roles and stereotypes may be more lax—let’s face it, a 5-year-old boy in a princess dress is likely to receive an “aww” because we assume children are just playing and exploring costumes and ideas rather than figuring out who they are.

However, I do strongly believe that children as young as 2 or 3 years of age can be aware of their gender identity. This awareness may present as an aversion to certain clothes or an attraction to a certain type of style that does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth. Rather than assuming your daughter is a tomboy or your son is just curious about your shoes, I encourage you to be open to the idea that your child may be figuring out who they are. Listen to them, hear their concerns or desires, and above all, please remain open-minded. Encourage their style, gender presentation, and expression, whether it turns out to be simple exploration or early expression of gender identity. The sooner our children know we support them regardless of who they are, the healthier and happier they are likely to be in adulthood.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent. This act of sharing, which they may have deliberated over for some time, is likely to leave them feeling vulnerable and open. Keep that in mind as you choose your next steps and words, as they can, and likely will, have a lasting impact on your child and may be a touchstone memory for the rest of their lives.

I believe the most essential and key support system for any child is their family, and I encourage you to openly offer as much love and support as you possibly can. If you would like to talk through what you are feeling, or discover ways of opening a conversation or showing your support, I recommend seeking out a compassionate and qualified therapist or counselor who is trained in working with trans individuals and their families.

Giving children coping skills for their emotions is one of the most important tasks of parenting. Children lacking these tools may blame others for how they feel or demonstrate how they’re feeling in inappropriate ways. If a child has no words to verbalize their intense emotions, they’re at risk for being emotionally stunted for the rest of their lives. Emotionally arrested adults lack the ability to self-soothe when they’re upset, or to delay lashing out on an impulse.

The following are 12 tips to give your child tools for handling their uncomfortable feelings.

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1. Use feeling words when speaking to your child. “Sad” and “disappointed” are feeling words. “What were you thinking?” and “You never listen!” are not.
2. Be more curious and less educating. Ask your child to elaborate about their uncomfortable feelings. An example of this is to say, “You seem sad, tell me about it,” not “That’s not a good reason to feel that way.” Don’t shame or scold your child about their feelings, even if your goal is to make them feel better.
3. Don’t keep score. “Well, now you know how that feels,” “Well, if you hadn’t …” and “That happened to me and I didn’t feel that way!” are statements that teach kids their feelings are wrong. This may lead to them feeling bad about themselves and becoming defensive.
4. Talk about negative emotions being transitory, like the weather, the tides, seasons, or the phases of the moon. Feelings will change; they have to. It’s okay to feel bad. Respect the uncomfortable feeling and remember it will change.
5. Get a poster of emojis with the feelings written below each face. Refer to it often.
6. Every evening, take turns talking about the pleasant and unpleasant feelings you each experienced that day. Focus on the emotions such as “proud,” “frustrated,” etc., and put less focus on the story or circumstance preceding each feeling.
7. Talk about how you handle your own uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps you go to the gym, journal, run, talk to a friend, read, garden, or meditate.
8. Help your child write a list of things they can do when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The list may include listening to music, drawing outside with chalk, singing, doing a puzzle, playing a game, writing a letter/email, writing a gratitude list, taking pictures, dancing, talking about it, shooting baskets, hitting a punching bag, skating, coloring, baking something, or making a card for someone. Keep the list where they can use it when they’re upset.
   If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.
9. Create an art corner with supplies so your child can draw, paint, color, collage, or sculpt clay to illustrate how they’re feeling. “Show me how you feel” exercises can encourage your child to use a creative outlet.
10. Help your child start an “altered book.” Buy a secondhand hard-bound book, then glue 10 to 20 pages together at a time so the book has thick pages. Show your child how to cut out magazine pictures and collage over the book cover. Then your child can open their personalized altered book and create a collage, painting, or drawing of a feeling on each page. They can add to this work of art whenever they’re feeling a strong emotion. Be sure to stay curious and interested if your child is young, while giving older children and teens privacy to express themselves.
11. Do outdoor physical activities with your child. Such activities may include skateboarding, surfing, soccer, catch, tennis, shooting baskets, swimming, yoga at the park, kayaking, hiking, bicycling, rock climbing, etc. Have your child rate an uncomfortable feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 before the activity, then again after they’ve exercised. Even if they only go from a 9 to an 8, praise them for lowering the negative emotion on their own.
12. Volunteer together. Model for your child the inner peace that comes from giving back and helping others who are less fortunate. Activities may include helping at a soup kitchen, taking supplies to a homeless shelter, helping out at an animal shelter, making gift bags to give those asking for help at the freeway off-ramp, going on a house-building mission, adopting an elderly person in an assisted-living home, etc. Make giving to others a regular activity. Participating in generosity and feeling appreciated is one of the best antidotes when feeling bad.

Be kind to yourself if you don’t make the most of every opportunity to teach your child about emotions. You will have many chances before they grow up and leave the home. If you handled a situation poorly, apologize and then model forgiving yourself. How you handle your emotions will be your child’s most influential guide.

For more ideas for helping your child manage their emotions, contact a licensed therapist in your area who works with children and parents.

In my office, I hear angry parents snap in frustration at their kids. “You broke my trust!” “You have to earn my trust back!” “You’ve got to rebuild my trust!”

These parents are confused and overwhelmed. Most of them mean, “I feel hurt,” “I feel betrayed,” or “I’m disappointed.” Some mean, “I’m not responsible for my feelings, you are!” A few, who parent by retaliation, mean, “You upset me, so now I’m going to show you how it feels!”

Trust is an emotion, just like love, happiness, or sadness. “You need to rebuild my happiness,” “You broke my joy,” or “You have to earn my love back” would all obviously sound like making someone else responsible for your feelings. In my experience, it often seems harder for parents to be responsible for their own feelings of trust or mistrust than other emotions.

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Because no one can truly be responsible for another person’s feelings, these parents are demanding that a child do something that is impossible to do. Trying to win their parents’ approval by controlling their emotions places a child in an impossible position. They want their parents to love them, yet there is no way to make someone else feel an emotion or to be responsible for another person’s feelings. A child who is continuously placed in this catch-22 learns they can never really earn the love and respect they desire from their parents. They learn the hopeless lesson of trying to make other people feel the way they want them to feel.

On the other hand, parents who model taking personal responsibility for their own feelings teach children how to manage their own emotions without blaming others for how they feel. Consider: “I’m very disappointed you came home past your curfew. I trusted that you would keep your word. For me to feel trust again, I need to set some boundaries. You can count on me to take 10 minutes off your curfew next weekend for every 5 minutes you come home late. So next Saturday night you have to come in 30 minutes earlier.” (Notice the boundary is for the parent—what THEY can be counted on to do, not the child.)

When parents give away responsibility for their feelings, including their trust and mistrust, they model for their children that they, too, can blame others for their feelings.

Rebuilding your feelings of trust in a child requires setting boundaries for yourselves as parents: “I can be counted on to check your homework online every day and to give you the privilege of the Wi-Fi password if it has all been turned in.” “I’m comfortable with you going to your friend’s home after I talk to her parent.” “I will give you permission to take the car after your drug test comes back negative.” “I promise to drive you to the skate park after you’ve kept your room clean for one week.”

When parents give away responsibility for their feelings, including their trust and mistrust, they model for their children that they, too, can blame others for their feelings. Such parents are also more likely to use shame, guilt, and scolding to try to get their kids to comply with their request. These same parents are often surprised when these tactics are turned back on them by their children. (And when kids blame, scold, and shame their parents for how they feel, it generally sounds less polished and more crude.)

Say what you mean: “I’m disappointed,” “I’m surprised,” “I’m angry.” Then mean what you say: “You can count on me to ______ when I see that you have ______.” Don’t elaborate, lecture, or shame. There’s nothing to be gained in belittlement.

Raising children is difficult. As they grow and individuate, you are likely to experience feelings of surprise, shock, disbelief, even betrayal. None of these emotions is pleasant or comfortable, but all of them represent opportunities to model for your kids how to take responsibility for their own uncomfortable feelings. Knowing you can trust yourself to extend only those privileges that you are comfortable giving may be the best way to reclaim trust you’ve lost.