Named for the fact that it contains both passive and aggressive behavior, passive aggression is communication or behavior that seems neutral or even charitable but that has a subtle underpinning of aggression. When people display passive-aggressive behavior, they are often attempting to criticize, stop, or alter the behavior of another person without making either a direct request or an aggressive gesture.
What Is Passive Aggression?
The term “passive-aggressive” was first widely used by the United States War Department in 1945 at the end of World War II. It was used to describe soldiers who passively refused to obey orders by working inefficiently, procrastinating, and sulking.
Passive aggression can take many forms and crop up between partners, roommates, friends, and coworkers. It’s not always easy to tell if someone is being passive-aggressive, as the behavior can be subtle. Other times, however, a passive-aggressive behavior might be easy to recognize.
Some passive-aggressive traits include:
- Ambiguity in speech
- Forgetfulness and procrastination
- Intentionally cryptic or indirect speech
- Sulking or giving the silent treatment
- Portraying oneself as a victim or martyr
- Insisting there is not a problem when there obviously is one
- Overly critical of others
- Intentionally working slowly or producing poor quality work
Why Are People Passive-Aggressive?
Most people display passive-aggressive behavior at least occasionally. The behavior tends to increase when people feel dependent, unheard, or powerless. Passive aggression can be difficult to pinpoint because the entire purpose of the behavior is to avoid directness and obscure any aggressive intent. Many people learn to use passive-aggressive behavior from others around them.
In some cases, stress caused by life events or a mental health issue can cause people to act in passive-aggressive ways. Anxiety, depression, bipolar, and ADHD are a few common mental health issues that may cause passive aggression. When a mental health condition causes overwhelm or fatigue, behaving passive-aggressively may help some to feel heard or gain a sense of control in their life. Stressful life events such as unemployment, relocation, or the death of a loved one may also cause people to act out passive-aggressively.
While passive aggression can be used as a coping mechanism, it is not a healthy one. Others may react with hostility when confronted with someone who is passive-aggressive, and this reaction can compound issues and increase tension in a relationship.
Is Passive Aggression a Disorder?
For some people, passive-aggressive behavior is so common that it becomes an integral part of their personality. While passive aggression was listed as a personality disorder in the past, it is now conceptualized as a personality trait.
The DSM-III listed passive-aggressive personality disorder (also referred to as negativistic personality disorder) as an Axis II personality disorder. However, the diagnosis was controversial, and the DSM-IV moved the diagnosis to the appendix entitled “Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study.” The DSM-V now lists passive aggression as “Personality Disorder–Trait Specified.”
While passive aggression is no longer listed as a personality disorder, the criteria for passive aggression in the DSM once included the following traits:
- Passive resistance to meeting social, work, and family tasks
- Complaints of being underappreciated and misunderstood by others
- Critical of authority to an unreasonable degree
- Frequent envy and jealousy
- Exaggerated complaints of personal misfortune, unfairness, or injustice
- Alternation between overt defiance and passive acceptance of authority
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive aggression takes many forms. A few examples of this behavior include:
- After being confronted by his partner, who feels she is not getting enough help around the house, a passive-aggressive husband might do an intentionally poor job on the next chore he helps with while claiming he “did the best he could.”
- An employee who feels underappreciated might refuse to complete tasks they feel have been taken for granted, saying they “forgot.”
- A roommate who is angry with a housemate for repeatedly eating their food might begin to tune out, ignore, or speak coldly toward that housemate while asserting “everything is fine” if confronted about the behavior.
- A passive-aggressive boss who is worried about their image within the company might take issue with minor details in an employee’s work that they had previously requested or approved.
- Feeling insecure about her own appearance, a mother might give her daughter unwanted books and clothes as gifts to encourage her to conform to a certain way of presenting herself.
While passive-aggressive behaviors are not constructive, the feelings behind them are most often valid. It can be helpful for those who lean on passive aggression due to fear of confrontation to face this fear and explore their feelings with a therapist who can help them find healthier outlets.
If passive-aggressive behavior is negatively impacting a relationship with a loved one, bringing the issue to couples or family therapy may be a helpful first step to confronting any root issues in a compassionate way.
How to Deal with Passive Aggression
Whether the person is a loved one or an acquaintance, even a little passive aggression can sour relations. After prolonged exposure, the very thought of a passive-aggressive person may be enough to cause stress. Here are some tips for dealing with someone who uses passive-aggressive tactics:
- Create a safe environment. If you need to confront passive-aggressive behavior, it may help to let the other person know it’s alright to say what’s really on their mind around you.
- Use empathy. Acknowledging the passive-aggressive individual’s concerns, however trivial, can help break down barriers that person may have put up.
- Don’t cave in. Passive-aggressive people may use these tactics because they increase feelings of security, stability, power, and control over a situation. If these tactics stop producing the intended result, it could help that individual realize they should adjust their approach.
- Use positive reinforcement. Expressing appreciation when someone with passive-aggressive habits makes an effort to be direct can encourage them to continue the good behavior.
Passive aggression isn’t always clear-cut, and although the behavior is often rooted in insecurity, it is not a healthy way to behave. Anyone who is worried they might be leaning on passive aggression to feel safe may find that therapy can help them address their fears and learn how to assert themselves constructively.
- American Psychological Association. APA concise dictionary of psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2009. Print.
- Colman, A. M. (2006). Oxford dictionary of psychology. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
- Hendriksen, E. (2018, October 10). 5 tricks to handle passive-aggressive people. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/5-tricks-to-handle-passive-aggressive-people
- Lim, A. (2018, September 28). Understanding passive-aggressive personality disorder. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder-4173103
- Passive-aggressive personality. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder
- Rotenstein, O. H., McDermut, W., Bergman, A., Young, D., Zimmerman, M., & Chelminski, I. (2007). The validity of DSM-IV passive-aggressive (negativistic) personality disorder. Journal of Personality Disorders, 21(1), 28-41. doi: 10.1521/pedi.2007.21.1.28
Last Updated: 02-25-2019
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John MMay 3rd, 2020 at 7:30 AM
I am passive aggressive and need help.
The GoodTherapy TeamMay 4th, 2020 at 1:44 PM
Hi John. Thank you for reading and reaching out. If you would like to connect with a therapist or counselor who can help you with passive aggression, you can search for a therapist near you, here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
NicoleMay 5th, 2020 at 6:07 PM
i need help. i cant control my passive agressive behavior.
VMay 12th, 2020 at 8:30 AM
Hi! It’s great that you’re reaching out! There are many free online therapists, and GoodTherapy has a directory page that locates a therapist near you using your location. Here’s the link:
Hope you are well!
richyAugust 5th, 2020 at 1:58 AM
i am a passive aggressive person, although i am aware of it and try to fight it, but it gets worse when i am around a passive aggressive person or a narcissist…..i have always wanted to see a therapist but i barely make enough for a living…what do i do?
JohnApril 29th, 2021 at 5:47 PM
Just found out that I have passiveaggerssive I want help this is broking up my relationship. with someone I love very much please send a link for a therapy
SaraGTApril 30th, 2021 at 10:03 AM
Dear John, we are here to help; please use this link to find a list of therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.
By entering your information, you will then be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. To find a good fit, you may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us.
We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. All the best, The GoodTherapy Team
Lint85May 1st, 2021 at 9:42 PM
My husband is passive aggressive. I need to learn how to deal with this.
Sara GTMay 2nd, 2021 at 1:17 PM
HI Lint85, help is available for you if you want it! Please return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/ , and enter your postal/zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area that might help you deal with certain issues. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list, you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team
ChristineJuly 27th, 2021 at 12:40 AM
This information was an extreme eye opener. Without giving a long explanation of my history, I see that I have the traits of passive aggressive person. I see people avoid me. I live in an area where the people are very social. Some will chit chat with me when I walk my dog but they never invite me into the group. I’m 70 now and open to learning about my negative issues. I grew up in a “secure” home but we were never open to speaking our minds or expressing ourselves. Thank you for this information. It really is helpful.
Teresa OJuly 31st, 2021 at 9:11 PM
I’m so proud of those who openly asked for help, or mentioned they need help pertaining to being
passive aggressive. It’s always good to get help when you need it. Much love and hood luck you’ve got this!
andraAugust 23rd, 2021 at 8:13 PM
I’ve been told that I was passive aggressive. I didn’t know that that’s what it’s called. The article says that you learn passive aggression in your environment and growing in an Asian family as the eldest child had me cave my feelings out and never voice them out which leaves me constantly feeling unheard and underappreciated. I lowkey want to be heard by my parents so I subtly do these ‘passive aggressive’ behaviors to them. Too bad tho, they didn’t noticed it, and even if they do, they couldn’t care less. We all have our own battles, they’ll say.
PaulJune 15th, 2022 at 5:41 AM
What a load of nonsense.
I am proud to be passive aggressive.
I have known I am and would not want to be any other way.
My sister is a therapist and a control freak.
I delight in thwarting her with passive aggressivism.
Many people tell.me they love me in my family.
I am indifferent to most although I love a few, and pretend to love others.
I am very self aware, love myself, my life.
I am also bi polar. Have had drugs, therapy over decades.
Untill about 15 years ago when I stopped any form of so called treatment.
Take me as I am or leave me.
I know my sister helps many others and respect her work and she is one of the few family members I genuinely love.
She once suggested I used allmof my then £4000 for therapy. For the bi polar. She has never mentioned passive aggressiveism.
AndrewNovember 17th, 2022 at 10:35 AM
I think this is my problem and would like to know more. Andres, Albuquerque, N.M.
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