Rear view photo of person with long hair wearing long sweater and headphones walking along path in yellow grassy field “Mindfulness” is a popular buzzword in therapy and personal-growth circles. Mindful.org defines mindfulness as “the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.” In the vernacular, it essentially means “being fully present in the moment.”

Sounds good, right? Well, it’s trickier than it seems. As Peter Levine points out, trauma robs us of our ability to be in the present moment. The threat response in our nervous system gets stuck on “on,” and so we find ourselves automatically preoccupied with the past, or else projecting the past into the future.

Some people do this to such a degree they are not even aware that they are doing it. They have lost track of what it’s like to slow down and pleasantly be in the present moment (or they never learned in the first place). It can be amazing to witness when they learn to just be, to feel the sensations of simply being alive in a living, human body instead of constantly worrying and anxiously scheming.

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The power of somatic therapy is particularly apparent in working with this issue. I define somatic mindfulness as the ability to step back from what your nervous system is telling you. You step back, observe it, feel every bit of it. Then you consciously decide what you want to do instead of automatically falling into long-standing patterns and the behavior they dictate.

Here’s an example, representative of many people I’ve worked with: Bernard grew up in a rough and unforgiving environment. There was no one around he could trust. Many people around him got what they could by whatever means were available to them. He realizes this way of life left its mark on him, so he started working with me and eventually we settled into a productive therapeutic relationship.

One day, not long after we started working together, I rearranged the chairs in my office. I was preparing to start a new group and I needed more comfy chairs. At the beginning of Bernard’s next session, I noticed this caught his attention, so I encouraged him to take in the environmental changes and notice the sensations in his body. His body started to brace and his face became hard. He asked me if I made these changes simply to “screw around with people, you know, to get a rise out of them so they can get their money’s worth out of the session.” He looked as if I’d tried to pull something over on him.

Bernard was projecting his past onto his present, and he was also quite likely using this to make predictions about his future—or at least the future of his therapy with me. Both my training and my humanity encouraged me to be transparent in these matters, so I disclosed the reason for the changes in my office decor. He immediately softened, relaxed, and started to backpedal.

Somatic mindfulness creates mind-body integration where it had been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show.

Now we had something to work with: His body had sent out an exaggerated “danger” signal when there was no actual threat, either in my office or in his relationship with me. Had I not been prepared to calmly hold this, it could have unnecessarily ruined the relationship, as well as any benefit he could have obtained.

When we discussed it, he said he felt disoriented as he came in. As I encouraged him to notice his physical sensations, he said he felt a jolt of energy in his body, movement impulses in his arms and fists, a burning in his chest, and anger. In the future, if he can “catch” this automatic body reaction, to sit with it and question it, he’ll have mastered somatic mindfulness. He’ll have developed active control over this threat response. Over time, as his nervous system gets better at distinguishing when the threat response is necessary, it will soften.

These automatic bodily and behavioral responses can occur in any situation, in countless different ways. Somatic mindfulness creates mind-body integration where it had been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show. This kind of therapeutic work softens and reduces the hypervigilant threat response and hyperarousal in the nervous system. These old traumatic residues can stress the body and cause burnout. They are also thought to contribute to many physical health problems.

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Full embodiment in the present moment can be a truly wonderful experience. There’s no way to explain it if you haven’t felt it. I’ve watched it occur many times in my office. Time spent in nature or with animals is often helpful in this quest. When developing this skill, it is essential to work with a therapist or other trusted mentor who has somatic mindfulness training and a stable nervous system.

References:

  1. Levine, P. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
  2. Mate, G. (2003). When the body says no: Understanding the stress-disease connection. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons.
  3. What Is Mindfulness? (2014). Retrieved from https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness

Couple working together talking and laughing while painting a roomTherapists used to reserve the term “trauma” to describe events like war, rape, and life-threatening experiences. We now recognize that people can have similar responses to relational traumas. When one partner engages in behaviors such as infidelity or addictive behaviors, leaving their partner feeling betrayed and abandoned, the hurt partner can experience trauma-related symptoms. They may experience shame, worthlessness, withdrawal, paranoia, obsessive thoughts about the betrayal, and thoughts of self-harm.

I find that often, couples minimize, dismiss, or misinterpret these symptoms, making healing and reconnection difficult. The hurt partner may wonder, “Are you doing this to me again?” This fear can turn into an array of behaviors: accusations, interrogations, questions, and looking into their partner’s emails, phones, and computers for evidence of deceitful or hurtful behavior. They may even conclude “I can never trust you again” or “You are incapable of changing” when they feel overwhelmed.

For the offending partner, this can be a defeating experience. Maybe they truly have ended the hurtful behavior. Maybe they are working on an effective recovery and have achieved a significant period of sobriety. Maybe they have ended an affair and fessed up to their deceit.

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Even with all of this, their partner may be vigilant and untrusting. The offending partner may get frustrated when the other continues to bring up old hurts or dig for evidence of expected poor behavior. Frustration can turn to anger and resentment: “My partner will never trust me again.” “Why can’t they just move on?”

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Reliving the Pain

Let me illustrate with a hypothetical example. Jenny and Stan came to couples therapy to heal from the hurts of his addictive behaviors. Stan had been in recovery for almost a year, diligently working his recovery program and making significant progress. They felt hopeful about their healing as a couple and at times have felt closer than they ever did before his addictive behaviors escalated.

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Therefore, they were both surprised when what seemed like a small event turned into a standoff that reminded them of the chaotic days when Stan was active in his addiction. They explained how Stan got stuck in a meeting, forgot to call Jenny, and came home two hours later than expected. Jenny described how, when Stan apologized and gave his excuses for why he was so late, that moment felt like the moments in the past when he would lie to her to cover up his addictive behaviors. She felt the same feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and uncertainty.

Stan was upset, too. He described how overwhelmed and angry he felt seeing Jenny’s reaction. Even though he was truthful in his reasons for being late, he was facing those same harsh responses from Jenny. She was accusatory and untrusting, despite all his progress. In our session, they both reported feeling they were “back to square one” and “could not be together if it was going to be like this.”

Recognizing the Trauma Response

When couples recognize the trauma response that was triggered, they can start to respond to those moments in transformative ways. They can appropriately tune in to each other. They can see that “the problem” is not necessarily their partner’s inability to be trustworthy. “The problem” is not the hurt partner’s inability to move on. “The problem” is the disconnect that happens when the pain of the past is triggered in both partners.

Stan and Jenny faced a normal, yet pivotal moment when he was late. How they learned to respond in those moments determined the pace of their healing. If Stan responded to Jenny with “You need to get over this,” she would have been left to manage her trauma response alone, further dividing the relationship. However, if Stan became a safe place for her to experience her trauma response, they could learn to connect in ways that are imperative for the healing process. In these moments, couples can strengthen their bond and attachment.

When the pain of old hurts gets triggered, it is no longer “Here we go again,” but rather, “Of course you feel this way sometimes. I’m in it with you. You are not alone in this.” The offending partner can respond to the hurt partner’s moment of panic with understanding and comfort. This shift allows them to move out of a defensive stance of “This isn’t going to work if you are never going to trust me” and into a comforting stance of “I’m so sorry this is scary for you right now. What can I do to help?”

The hurt partner can recognize their emotions as a traumatic response. They can start to notice the difference between “You are untrustworthy” and “I’m feeling that anxiety and panic again, like I’m scared you are going to hurt me again. In these moments, I really need you to be with me, reassure me, understand my pain, hear me,” etc.

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Building Trust and Connection

These triggering moments turn into opportunities for true healing and transformative connection. This is when couples take the pain of incredible hurts and use it to connect in ways that create security and safety. These triggering moments, when handled with care, become the foundation of rebuilding trust. They are not moments to be feared and avoided, but rather moments to be valued for the closeness they can bring. The relationship not only becomes a safe place to find relief but also a protection against the stress that trauma can bring.

If relational traumas are coming between you and your partner, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

  1. Carnes, S., Lee, M. A., & Rodriguez, A. D. (2012). Facing heartbreak: Steps to recovery for partners of sex addicts. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
  2. Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.

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For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.

This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.

What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? —Out of Touch

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Dear Out of Touch,

Thank you for your note. While I’m not sure how “some men” are, I know how this man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.

It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.

I was struck by your comment that “it doesn’t feel right to ask him” about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you’re wrecking the “honeymoon,” but I don’t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.

One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, “So what’s the deal here? Think I got cooties?” At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, “Listen, this is awkward and I don’t mean to rain on our parade, but I’ve noticed you tend to pull away when we’re close, and it’s confusing me.”

You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, “I find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,” or, “I really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don’t,” and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.

I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn’t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.

I can’t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting—perhaps even cold or rejecting, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn’t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related—and that would be my guess as well—it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.

It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how he responds.

All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the cliché goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.

If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, “Yes, I can see how that’s awkward or hard to understand for you.” The yellow or red flag would be, “Why are you bringing this up? There’s nothing to see here.”

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters, along with the degree to which each person emotionally “hears” the other.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he’d be relieved at your courage, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.

Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the “good stuff”—such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on—could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor who can help facilitate things.

Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.

All the best,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Person with short dark hair sits on bed in robe looking out open windowThere may be many emotions to sort through after experiencing sexual trauma. These emotions are typically painful, so it is natural to want to avoid them. The problem is, these emotions don’t tend to go away—they fester until you allow the time and space to work through them.

A common cycle of emotions after surviving sexual trauma is: (1) guilt and shame, (2) blame and anger, (3) grieving/mourning, and (4) fear and anxiety. This cycle by no means captures everyone’s experience after a trauma but is a general outline of common reactions. Let’s consider them in more depth.

1. Guilt and Shame

There can be a lot of secrecy surrounding sexual trauma. Victims who come forward are often made to feel like they did something wrong. Some are advised to keep their experience quiet. People often blame the victim by outlining things they “should” or “should not” have done.

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Survivors of sexual trauma may internalize these messages and feel guilt and shame. They may replay in their minds the things they could have done to prevent or escape the trauma, even if they couldn’t have done anything differently. They may feel guilty for having not stopped the abuse and ashamed for having been a victim of it.

Learning to challenge these messages is one of the first hurdles of trauma treatment. Treatment at this stage focuses on self-compassion, understanding, and most importantly: accepting that sexual trauma is never the victim’s fault.

2. Blame and Anger

Along with guilt and shame come blame and anger. Many times, survivors of sexual trauma will blame themselves for what happened and will direct anger at themselves. They beat themselves up with critical, hurtful, and mean thoughts and comments. Some may even engage in self-harming behaviors such as cutting as a coping strategy.

A goal at this stage of treatment is to separate responsibility from blame. Again, no matter what happened, it is never a person’s intention to get abused! Treatment focuses on challenging the blame; challenging the hurtful, critical thoughts; and learning to look at things from a new perspective and generate healthier, more adaptive thoughts. The blame and anger then shift to the perpetrator, as it should.

Unfortunately, many people become stuck at this stage, fuming in anger and unable to move forward. Anger can make us feel more in control. When we are angry, people listen, do what we say, or leave us alone. There is power in anger that makes it hard to let go of. There can also be a fear that if one lets go of the anger, it means it was okay that the trauma happened (of course, it’s not!).

Over time, chronic anger can lead to isolation, loneliness, and depression. Treatment focuses on validating the anger, understanding why it’s there, recognizing anger as a protective warning sign, and learning to manage it before it escalates into verbal or physical aggression.

3. Grieving/Mourning

Grieving can help a survivor of sexual trauma to get unstuck and begin to move forward. There may be many things to grieve: loss of innocence; loss of childhood; loss of feeling safe; grief over mistrusting others and always feeling like something is “too good to be true”; grief over loss of time (for school, relationships, jobs, or time spent self-medicating and in depression); and grief over “what could have been.” Grief can make us feel helpless, powerless, vulnerable, and weak.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving. The more you try to avoid it, the more out-of-control your emotions may feel. You may begin to fear crying or “losing it” when something triggers you. A common complaint is “overreacting” to small things. But remember, your body is not just reacting to the most recent “small thing”; it is also reacting to all the stressful events you experienced and stuffed away.

Unpacking, unstuffing, and letting it all out is part of the grieving process. It is especially important that you set up a support system and a regular schedule of self-care activities. Treatment at this stage focuses on helping you establish the space, time, support to grieve and mourn. Treatment also helps you learn how to manage intense emotions so you are the one in control, not the emotions.

4. Fear and Anxiety

After working through the guilt, shame, blame, and anger, and taking time to grieve and mourn, many survivors of sexual trauma are left with a feeling of emptiness. All those emotions that were stuffed away used to take up that space. Now that they are gone, many ask, “Now what?”

This phase of treatment focuses on building a life worth living. It is important to fill that hole with new relationships, activities, goals, and emotions, as staying in that empty place can put you at risk for becoming depressed and isolated. This process may bring a new set of challenges, as people—regardless of whether they have experienced trauma—generally hesitate to step out of their comfort zones to try something new.

Trying to build a new life tends to raise many fears and anxieties. Fears that your efforts won’t work, that others will reject you, that your most critical thoughts were true. Anxiety about going to new places, being out in crowds, starting relationships, and trying unfamiliar things.

Treatment at this stage attempts to help survivors of sexual trauma learn how to face their fears; to set healthy boundaries; to problem-solve and work toward specific and measurable goals; and to manage the natural anxieties that come with trying new approaches.

Conclusion

There is hope after sexual trauma. Recovery is possible. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, but it is the first step in learning to trust yourself and the recovery process.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Whatever the nature and scope of your trauma, this is a time to remind yourself that you are not alone. Many colleges, hospitals, and groups throughout the country are holding walks, fairs, clothesline projects, rallies, and other events. Look one up in your area, discover the community you deserve, and contact a therapist if you want support.

Distant person holds up light in middle of dim, desolate forest with fogThe news is so full of dark and scary stories these days that it can be overwhelming. I, for one, find it troubling to hear about repeated shootings where innocent lives are taken, the growing number of teen suicides due in part to a spike in adolescent depression, the unprecedented opioid epidemic, and the sexual abuse and harassment that has come to light in recent months.

The fact these types of stories are constantly featured in news and social media cycles can bring us down in significant ways. This is particularly true when we see the dire effect on our youth, as well as the damage to families, friends, and communities. Just trying to absorb these stories can invoke a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

It may seem unusual for a counselor to start an article with so much gloom and doom. How depressing! But I do so to point out that because we are bombarded by such volume and intensity of negative information 24/7, we need more effective means of coping and managing the fear and trauma that comes with it. We need to be able to find relief and a sense of balance and safety in our daily lives.

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I work with individuals and families who deal with these kinds of concerns in very personal ways. When they first come to therapy, their darkness is stark, real, and often overwhelming. It’s imperative for me to not only notice but to join them in that darkness, such that the power of the dark space is recognized and revered for what it is and the impact it has.

At this point in the therapeutic process, there is no light—just the small adjustments made by the human senses to initiate calmness. There is little to no means of navigation through this space.

As the therapist, I am initially charged with illuminating this space. I think of this as being in charge of a flashlight, which I must hold until the person I am with is able. I shine a dim beam of light in the space until the shapes and contours of the pain start to appear. The brightness of the beam depends on how much the person in therapy can tolerate seeing at once.

So, what does the flashlight represent and how can it be used to soothe and heal emotional pain? The flashlight is the means by which we can begin to reconcile and come to terms with what has happened.

As time goes on, my job becomes more about adjusting the flashlight beam so the space becomes incrementally brighter. The events of whatever tragedy took place become more understood and digestible, if only for brief, erratic segments of time. Emotions become more readily distinguishable and we begin the long journey of softly illuminating the space. The ultimate goal is for the person in therapy to take over holding the flashlight—perhaps temporarily at first, but with more confidence and self-direction as time passes.

So, what does the flashlight represent and how can it be used to soothe and heal emotional pain? The flashlight is the means by which we can begin to reconcile and come to terms with what has happened. It is a tool for assessing the damage done to our psyche in the midst of devastation so we can begin the process of sorting out and reorganizing our perceptions of our new realities post-calamity. In the end, it is about finding some solace and peace.

It’s important to point out that this process is not a quick, easy fix. Many have found eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to be helpful in giving the brain a jump-start to reprocessing chaotic aftermath. However, it takes time to fully comprehend and absorb what has happened and how that affects our new world of emotions.

For a more global or societal experience of trauma, the process is much the same, though perhaps at a less intense level. When we see or hear news about another terrorist attack, mass shooting, major earthquake, or bombing of innocent children, we may be shaken by fear, disillusionment, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

But flashlights are available in this arena as well. Some recent examples include youth activism in response to school shootings and the #MeToo/#TimesUp movements bringing awareness and voice to the unacceptability of sexual abuse and harassment.

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These examples give us pause to reflect on the human capacity to find sources of light, be they others showing courage to respond proactively or our own internal strength and, perhaps, spirituality that help us reorient and heal. We can then hold that flashlight firmly until the darkness recedes.

If you need help, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Slay-Westbrook, S. (2016). Respect-focused therapy: Honoring clients through the therapeutic relationship and process. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis.

Top view of boots next to white and purple flowers“I don’t know why, but every time I start dating someone new, I lose interest after three or four dates—even if they are really cool.”

“This time of year just makes me miserable. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me drink more just to be able to stand it.”

“I’m so discouraged by these panic attacks. I never know when they’re going to hit. They’re ruining my life.”

“I’m 30 years old, and I haven’t ever seriously dated anyone because of my social anxiety. It just gets in the way, all the time.”

These are a few of the typical complaints I hear when I meet with someone for the first time. These problems all sound pretty different, don’t they? Chances are, however, that they share an underlying process. We can credit Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, for clarifying this process for us. His life’s work synthesizes vast amounts of research, therapy practices, and worldwide cultural traditions with his own original contributions. [fat_widget_right]

Dr. Levine calls this underlying process “over-coupling.” Over-coupling takes place when trauma energy sticks two things together that shouldn’t be. Our brain perceives some stimulus, one that could be innocuous to others, and then has this lightning quick reaction based on its learned history: “If there’s this, there’s also going to be that—and that is really bad, so let’s rev up the fight or flight energy!”

How Over-Coupling Works

Over-coupling involves the parts of the brain known as the limbic system, or our emotional/threat response, and the reptilian brain, which is in charge of body regulation. When these systems perceive a potential threat, they go into a stress response. Trauma can occur when that threat feels overwhelming or bigger than our ability to effectively cope with it, and the energy from that stress response gets stuck in our systems, under the surface. The unconscious layers of the brain and body want to avoid any situation like that ever happening again. So when something feels similar to the big, bad thing that happened in the past, our reptile brains lock into the same threat response as the previous time. This happens whether or not the logical mind is aware of any similarity between the previous and current situations.

That is over-coupling. Like a creaky old suit of armor, it’s meant to protect us, but what it really does is get in our way, preventing us from freely living our lives.

When our limbic, or emotional/threat response, and reptile, or body regulation brains perceive a potential threat, they go into a stress response … The unconscious layers of the brain and body want to avoid any situation like that ever happening again.

Over-Coupling Examples

Let’s explore the above examples with this new awareness of over-coupling.

Since these conditions usually involve the body’s unconscious trauma energies, which can be tricky and powerful, treatment is best left to someone with specific training in this area. Personally, I will always be grateful for my own continued training in somatic psychotherapy and for Peter’s contributions in the area of coupling dynamics.

In a future article, we will examine under-coupling, which occurs when something feels so overwhelming that the body numbs it out. Under-coupling is even more tricky, as it usually takes place beneath the level of the person’s conscious awareness and shares a special relationship with over-coupling. In the meantime, I invite you to start having compassion for any over-coupling you might notice going on in your own system. As frustrating as it might be, it is trying to protect you!

References:

  1. Levine, P. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
  2. Practitioner training manual. (2007). Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute/Foundation for Human Enrichment: Boulder, CO: Foundation for Human Enrichment.

Rear view photo of adult with short hair wearing hoodie sitting under tree thoughtfullyEvery day, we are bombarded by situations, people, and feelings that have the potential to stress us out. We all have our own ways of dealing with this stress. Some of them are helpful, others not so much. Stress is complicated and highly personal to the individual who experiences it. Consider what makes you feel stressed out. Have you known other people who aren’t bothered by your stressors and seem to deal with them without much fuss? Do you know people who stress out about things that would never occur to you be a problem? Stress is all about perspective.

The reason people react differently to the same stressor has to do with their experiences. Stress is brought on by triggers or situations/people/emotions that you are particularly sensitive to because of things that have happened in your life.

Take anger, for example: A person who was raised in an unpredictable environment in which anger caused yelling, intimidation, or physical violence will likely react differently to anger than someone who was taught to express anger in a healthy way. Both people may experience a partner being angry with them, but only one of them is likely to be triggered. Another example is infertility. Someone who is struggling with fertility issues may react very differently when they find out a friend is pregnant than someone who conceived naturally. Learning of someone else’s pregnancy may trigger their anxiety, grief, and powerlessness related to infertility.

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You can imagine there are infinite ways individuals are triggered because there is a such a diverse array of circumstances that affect human beings. In addition to the diversity of triggers that exist, there is a broad spectrum of ways people react to their triggers. People tend to develop defense mechanisms, or unconscious reactions that protect them from the pain of their triggers. It is common to be unaware of the presence of these defense mechanisms as well as when they are in use. Many of us have heard or used the term “become defensive” when we feel that someone is trying to protect or defend themselves in an argument instead of listening to the opposing point of view. This often happens when a person is triggered by the subject matter. Even after the trigger has passed, the defense mechanism remains and may impact relationships and work.

As a therapist who works with women and LGBTQ+ individuals with anxiety, trauma, and body image issues, I see my share of defense mechanisms that come out during the course of a therapy session. A therapist is trained to identify and help people work through these defenses, which is critical in making progress on whatever issue brings them to treatment.

There are many different types of defense mechanisms, but the following are five common ones:

Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day.

  1. Sense-of-humor type. Laughter is the best medicine, right? Not always! People who use humor when talking about difficult situations are often masking pain underneath. Some people make fun of themselves to prevent others from doing it first. Others create humor-tinged stories around bad situations to avoid acknowledging how much they hurt. There isn’t anything wrong with making light of a struggle, but it’s important to also be able to talk about the darkness related to it.
  2. Strong, silent type. You probably know one of these, if you aren’t one yourself. This person is the “rock,” the foundation of the family, the dependable one at work. This defense mechanism causes someone to try to appear strong and stable on the outside, even if they don’t feel that way on the inside. By always taking care of others, the focus never has to be on them because there is always someone in need. Remaining strong and silent not only prevents others from seeing they have pain and vulnerability, it helps the person forget it as well.
  3. Laid-back type. This defense mechanism causes people to “go with the flow” or be overly accommodating. Someone who has this defense mechanism is often passive and waits to be told what to do or for someone else to make plans. This defense can mask feelings of inadequacy or lack of confidence needed to make a decision. When someone is laid back and doesn’t have to have an opinion, they don’t run the risk of upsetting someone or being rejected.
  4. Perfectionistic type. Believe it or not, perfectionism generally isn’t a good thing—and perfection isn’t possible, anyway. Someone affected by the perfectionistic type of defense mechanism avoids making mistakes or being wrong at all costs. Underneath this defense is an intense fear of being judged or admonished. This defense can lead to a general sense of anxiety because there is always a chance something can go wrong.
  5. Passive-aggressive type. Many of us use the term passive-aggressive to describe the behaviors of others, but do you know this behavior stems from a defense mechanism? When someone is passive-aggressive, they are letting others know they are angry or in need of something without doing so directly. Being passive-aggressive is an attempt to get needs met without coming right out with it. It is motivated by fear and avoidance of conflict and anger. Pouting indirectly instead of telling someone what the problem is lets them know something is wrong in a passive-aggressive way. The irony is passive-aggressive behaviors are usually more irritating and cause more anger than being direct.

Again, these behaviors are usually unconscious and people are generally not aware they are engaging in them. Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day. Concerns develop when the defenses negatively impact a person’s life in a significant way. A qualified therapist can help you build your self-awareness, heal past pain and/or trauma, and get you coping in a healthy way with any triggers that come your way.

Mother looking over son's shoulder while he colorsWhen children experience abuse, abandonment, or other deep hurts, the adults in their lives may not know how to help them. Many people believe topics like psychological healing only belong to the professionals. But “professionals,” however helpful they may be, do not have enough time to impact children in the same way as those who are involved with them daily.

This article is meant to help parents and caregivers support the children, adolescents, and even adults in their lives who are overcoming the damage caused by an abusive relationship or other types of trauma.

1. Teach Your Child to Talk

It is important to remember two words when working with anyone experiencing trauma and hurt: “hope” and “encouragement.” This isn’t about telling someone they should paint over all their problems with happy thoughts. Instead, it is about offering a way out from the despair left over from trauma.

Talk to your child about what happened. There is no way to manage trauma without at least acknowledging that it happened. Most people are raised in homes where no one talks about “the elephant in the room.” But if you want to help a person heal from any type of hurt or trauma, it is important to discuss it.

Once you begin talking about difficult subjects, you give your child permission to as well. You are teaching them it is okay to talk about these things. [fat_widget_right]

2. The ‘Trauma Narrative’

One useful tool for healing is the “trauma narrative.” It is a book created by a child, sometimes with the help of an adult, that tells the story of what happened. Each page shows a scene in the “drama,” with the climax being where the worst part of the trauma occurred. If the child has complex trauma involving many different types of abuse, including emotional abuse, the story could be written without a climax but include different pieces of what happened.

Once you begin talking about difficult subjects, you give your child permission to as well. You are teaching them it is okay to talk about these things.

Helping a child create their trauma narrative by drawing different pictures and writing about the steps leading up to significant events can be very therapeutic. Once the book is complete, sitting down with the child and reading it helps them continue to process through feelings associated with the events and helps them overcome the effects of the trauma.

3. Teach Your Child to Trust Themselves

Children are often impressionable. It is so easy to teach a child that they cannot trust themselves. Particularly in abusive homes, children are taught not to feel or to think on their own. They are usually taught to do what their parent says without question and to overlook their own experiences.

Teaching a child to trust their intuition is not overly difficult, though it often takes time. Start by having a discussion with your child about how important it is to trust one’s own inner voice, or conscience. Continue asking your child how they feel about certain experiences. This act will help your child learn that to look inside is an important aspect of life.

4. Show Your Child How to Grieve

Most children (and really, most adults) are not taught how to grieve. Most people are taught “Don’t cry,” “Keep difficult emotions to yourself,” “Be strong,” “Move on,” and other similar methods of coping with loss. When working with emotionally injured children, you can best help them by not only teaching them how to talk about their feelings, but also about how to grieve.

How do you do this? There are a couple of ways:

Grieving involves processing through feelings until they are complete. Children need not analyze this concept. They just need permission to talk, cry, be angry, and express their emotions until they are done. Grief is finished when it’s finished. There is no timeline for grief, and everyone processes emotions on their own schedule. Talk to your child about these concepts and give them permission to “process” through any feelings at their own pace.

5. Teach Your Child About Boundaries

One important topic you can introduce to your child is the concept of boundaries. Boundaries can be physical and emotional. Physical boundaries include a person’s body and physical space. Emotional boundaries include how a person is treated emotionally, mentally, and psychologically.

Art is one effective intervention for teaching children this concept. You can draw a picture of a line, wall, or some type of boundary indicator. On one side of the line, write down attributes of healthy boundaries, such as, “respect,” or “does not touch me in a way that is unsafe.” On the “boundary violation” side of the barrier, write a list of unhealthy boundary violators, such as “name calling,” or “yelling.” You and your child can create this drawing together.

Of course, you will need to use age-appropriate language. The main concern is to teach your child emotional intelligence and about how to protect themselves from unsafe relationships.

6. Identify the ‘Hurt Self’ and the ‘Strong Self’

Teach your child that it is okay to talk about difficult memories. Explain that they have a “hurt self” that needs to be healed. In addition, let your child know they aren’t only hurt, but that they also have a “healthy self” or “strong self” capable of overcoming hard things. The strong self will help heal the hurt self.

When working with emotionally injured children, it helps to not only teach them how to talk about their feelings, but to teach them how to grieve.

To help your child identify what is hurt, you can ask questions about thoughts, fears, feelings, and dreams. See if your child can identify how they experience the pain from the trauma they have endured. If your child is not interested in going that deep, just talk to them. Say, “I know you are hurt. Here are some suggestions for helping yourself heal.”

It is helpful for parents and other significant leaders in a child’s life to learn how to teach them important life lessons, especially those involving emotions. Since most people generally do not understand emotional health, this can prove challenging—mainly, because most people haven’t been taught themselves.

I recommend drawing two pictures for your child: one a hurt child, and one a healthy child. The hurt child could look sad and have tears. The strong child could look steadfast and concerned. Teach your child that these two “parts of self” exist within them, and that their job is to learn how to nurture and heal the hurt part of the self.

7. Identify Hurting Beliefs and Healing Beliefs

Help your child identify things they tell themselves about life or personal identity. Beliefs children often have when hurt tend to be very personalized; beliefs such as, “I am unlovable,” “The world is not safe,” or “I will never be happy again.” Any type of negative, devaluing belief can be ingrained in a child’s head for years, decades, or even a lifetime. It is beneficial to help your child identify these beliefs early on.

Have your child write down a list of unhealthy beliefs. Some include thoughts such as, “If I were a better child, my mother would not be on drugs,” “If I were thinner, my friend would not have rejected me,” or “I need to be a perfect student to have a good life.” If your child is old enough, work with them to identify unhealthy beliefs.

Once these unhealthy thoughts have been identified, make a list of helpful, healing beliefs for your child to replace the unhealthy thoughts. After this, remind your child to replace the unhealthy beliefs with the healthy beliefs. Make sure they understand this process is building an essential inner recovery “muscle” and will require practice to develop.

References:

  1. Chara, K. A., & Chara, P. J. (2006). A safe place for Caleb. London, England: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
  2. James, J. (2017). The grief recovery handbook, 20th anniversary expanded ed.: The action program for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses including health, career, and faith. New York, NY: Harper-Collins.
  3. Trauma narratives. (n.d.). Retrieved from: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/trauma-narratives

Hand holding a four-leaf cloverSaint Patrick’s Day brings a barrage of green, four-leaf clovers, good-luck charms and wishes of good fortune. But many people, especially those who have a trauma background, feel like a dark cloud of misfortune follows them everywhere they go.

I can’t tell you how many times, in my work as a trauma therapist, I’ve heard a person say “I feel like I’m a magnet for bad things happening.” They describe a sense of beginning to get their lips above water when something terrible happens to knock them down again.

In some cases, they may actually be right. There has been some research to suggest that someone who has been traumatized is likely to be victimized again. A number of theories attempt to explain this phenomena, and while I want to explore a few here, I want to make it clear, first and foremost, that the intention of this article is not to blame victims of trauma. If there is abuse or perpetration, the accountability, responsibility, and fault always lies with the perpetrator. No one desires abuse. No one wants to be perpetrated upon. No one asks for it. The intention here is to both validate the experiences of people who have experienced trauma and explore the various explanations why some individuals seem to be unable to get out from under the “dark cloud” of trauma. [fat_widget_right]

The Cycle of Poverty

The first avenue I’d like to explore is the cycle of poverty. For those who struggle with the challenges that often accompany a lack of financial resources, the likelihood of being victimized is high. Living paycheck to paycheck, constantly uncertain of whether we will be able to afford groceries, heat our homes, or pay rent, threatens our sense of safety in the world. When we do not feel safe, when our basic needs are not met, it is extremely difficult to feel emotionally regulated. We may seek to numb emotional pain with substances, sex, gambling or self-harm. These methods of coping may, in turn, make it even more difficult to maintain a typical level of function.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire, a longitudinal, comprehensive study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, linked trauma in childhood with a host of problems, such as chronic health issues, addiction issues, relationship issues, and workplace issues (CDC, 2015). There is a strong correlation between poverty and trauma, and it can be difficult to see yourself as lucky or fortunate when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from.

Dissociation

When we experience trauma, we “check out” from the present moment to some degree, though some may check out more than others. Many people describe a feeling of floating above their bodies or watching themselves from far away. Some may experience feelings of fogginess, sleepiness, or even feel as if they’ve been drugged.

Dissociation leads us to another explanation of the “bad luck” many people with trauma backgrounds report (Sar, 2014). Often, people who have experienced trauma may dissociate to a point of not being able to read people’s nonverbal cues. They may not see, for example, the red flags of an abusive relationship until the abuse has already started. It’s often the case that they exist in survival mode, just getting through each moment without being able to see how actions and choices might affect their future. At times, dissociation can also prevent folks from being able to read people’s boundaries, which can result in relationship struggles and conflicts. They may even be less mindful of what they are doing with their bodies or their belongings, frequently leaving things behind or losing them.

The repetition of trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending.

Those with a trauma background are also more vulnerable to addiction, which can be considered another form of dissociation. In other words, they may be more likely to attempt to numb their pain with substances. The misfortune that accompanies the struggles of addiction are numerous: financial hardship, legal issues, failed relationships—these are all things people might call bad luck. Using substances to numb pain is one factor that can contribute to these struggles. Difficulty being mindful and an inability to organize thoughts and prioritize urgent matters are other factors that may occur with dissociation.

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

A third theory for why people with trauma tend to be re-victimized and end up experiencing even more trauma is based in Bessel Van der Kolk’s theory of the “compulsion to repeat the trauma” (van der Kolk, 1989). (I again want to state here how important it is to avoid blaming the victim.)

Human systems want health. When children experience trauma and have the opportunity to enter play therapy, they are likely to reenact the trauma with dolls or toys. They will reenact the trauma over and over again until Superman comes and rescues the victim or a lion comes and eats the perpetrator. At that point, we consider the trauma processed, at least for that developmental stage (children may experience a resurfacing of symptoms when they hit puberty or adulthood and need to process through the trauma again).

The repetition of the trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending. The problem is, of course, we usually end up experiencing more abuse, more trauma, more bad fortune.

Our Brains Love a Story

Finally, there is just this simple fact: sometimes bad stuff happens—to everyone. Our brains function on stories. Our brains try to make sense of our world. If the story we tell ourselves is that we are unlucky and cursed, we may filter all of the things that happen to us to refine a narrative that fits that story (Brown, 2017).

For the most part, there is cause and effect in our lives. There are patterns to what we do and the lives we create. The belief that we have “bad luck” might in reality be a lack of understanding of these patterns. In order to address our trauma and dissociation and create lives of abundance, we may need professional support.

But we can also strive to remember that accidents happen. Bad things happen. If we walk around looking for evidence that we are unlucky, we are likely to find it, since our brains can filter the things that happen to us to fit our hypothesis.

I am not saying the previous theories should be discounted, because they do hold water. And again, no one asks to experience trauma or be victimized, and those who do experience traumatic experiences are not to blame for them. But the more we can own the paths we walk and the choices we can make, the more we will likely begin to see our own strength and power. We may, then, begin to realize there is no better way to good fortune than bravery and compassion, both for our paths and for our ability to sit with the whole truth.

References:

  1. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). (2016, April 1). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html
  2. Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to resent transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Random House.
  3. Sar, V. (2014). The many faces of dissociation: Opportunities for innovative research in psychiatry. Clinical Psychopharmacology and Neuroscience, 12(3). 171-79. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4293161
  4. van der Kolk, B. (1989). The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12(2). 389-411.

Close up rear view photo of person with ponytail looking at constellations in starry cloudFrom a space of wonder, in a garden under a summer moon, two lovers studied the starry sky and considered how they might arrange the constellations if they hadn’t already been named. What shapes would the stars come together to form if we had no predetermined understanding of how to see them? How might we understand the sky anew if we could get close enough to the stars to hear how they twinkled? What stories would they share? Just as some consult birth charts to gain insight into how the solar system may influence their lives, we can consider our experiences in relation to the larger family systems from which we hail.

Our complex ancestral systems carry unique energetic imprints. These relational dynamics make up our generational family trees, yet most of these influences exist beyond the boundaries afforded by our own perspectives. When embarking on a therapeutic journey of exploration, rather than relying on examining the self as a solitary star, it can be helpful to zoom out with the eye of an astrologer to consult the broader cosmic picture.

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From the cultural impact and traditional roles carried by our families’ countries of origin, to significant events such as untimely deaths, substance abuse, or physical and mental health issues, we inherit unconscious traumas from generations before us. They linger deep within our family psyche and can manifest in ways that impede our journeys through the emotional symptoms or undesirable patterns we yearn to shed. Some of us have more awareness of the family dynamics and significant events carried in our lineage than others. Yet even on the clearest nights, our vistas are limited by the distance that the naked eye can see.

Family constellations group work is a transpersonal approach that invites seekers into a co-created experiential space of emotional excavation and healing. The constellation approach acknowledges universal themes within families that can have a significant impact. These include the father’s lineage; the mother’s lineage; physical and mental health; death; war and conflict; immigration and migration; religion; and relationships.

Entering through the personal narrative of a challenge one is consciously negotiating, the other group participants are gently facilitated to role-play the significant family figures and themes in each person’s life. With little linear information to go on, the assigned characters begin to embody the energetic space and carry forth an experience that transcends that of the personal witness. “Family members” are encouraged to close their eyes and tune into information offered from the bodily sensations and intuitions that arise.

Like most transpersonal approaches, family constellations work is only diluted by efforts to sufficiently explain it. As such, it is best experienced. Part psychodrama, part energetic channeling, family constellations work is not a therapy that works within the confines of the linear mind.

Based on what information is known and what is sensed by each member of the group as it unfolds, constellations are mapped out. Participants are blocked like actors on a stage, configured and then reconfigured, reflecting the feedback from the collective journey as it reveals itself. As everyone deepens into their assigned personas, emotions quickly come to the surface to inform the process. The result of the innate wisdom arising through each participant allows family patterns that have been obstructing one’s ability to function in some area of life to be worked through and healed.

Like most transpersonal approaches, family constellations work is only diluted by efforts to sufficiently explain it. As such, it is best experienced. Part psychodrama, part energetic channeling, family constellations work is not a therapy that works within the confines of the linear mind. It is experienced through an intangible field, via an alternate state of consciousness that is easily accessible, deeply powerful, and magnified by the group. Depending on the facilitators and the group, the process takes place over several hours, yielding healing from generations of trauma.

By traveling beyond our typical waking states of consciousness to therapeutically address a problem, transpersonal approaches invite us to deepen our intuitive connections and commune with the energetic information that rises to the surface. Some other approaches to altered states of consciousness that transpersonally oriented therapists may offer include breathwork, hypnosis, visualization, dreamwork, drumming, and meditation.

All of these states can be likened to normal states of daydreaming, “zoning out” (such as while driving), or restful states. They are natural ranges of human experience that, when intentionally entered, offer us resources from which to draw beyond those of our shared material realm. It is from these states of being that we transcend our perceived limitations and invite our dormant potentials, infinite as the stars in the sky, to awaken and serve us.

Reference:

Family soul healing. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.familysoulhealing.com

Person in blue sweater with long wavy blonde hair and glasses lies on bed with somber expression holding cat and cuddling Pets can offer an unmatched level of support to trauma survivors attempting to cope with the emotional aftermath of a traumatic event. A beloved and trusted pet can act as a lifeline when the person they live with experiences posttraumatic stress (PTSD) or is otherwise emotionally distressed. In short, a pet’s very presence can often work a particular kind of healing magic.

Pets known to offer support through the roller-coaster journey to heal from emotional trauma may be referred to as emotional support animals. Emotional support animals differ from working service animals in that the latter are trained rigorously for the purpose of helping people with particular, individualized needs. Our pets, on the other hand, do not need to be trained to provide natural healing. By simply playing with or cuddling our pets, we can benefit from the calming, soothing effect of their company. Even without training, our pets can help us cope with symptoms of anxiety and depression, fear, and the handful of other tough emotions likely to follow a traumatic experience.

How Do Pets Help People Cope?

Emotional support animals do not require any particular training, but they are still often able to soothe the emotional upsets of owners who have experienced trauma by being present as loving friends and offering support and connection through simple companionship. This offers us a unique way to cope with emotional entanglements and other challenges throughout the process of addressing trauma-related struggles. [fat_widget_right]

One way animals can provide emotional support is by helping increase oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is beneficial because it slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and helps prevent stress hormone production. Thus, increased levels of this hormone in the body can help people feel calmer and more at peace. This chemical alone can help us battle the negative emotions and mental health effects often experienced following trauma, and scientific observation supports an increase of the release of this so-called “happiness” chemical as a result of animal interaction.

Pets can also help us learn to let go of feelings of anger and resentment. These emotions are experienced by many who have faced trauma, and they can be some of the most challenging to expunge in its aftermath. Releasing these emotions, though, can have a lasting positive impact on mental health, and many individuals work with mental health professionals to reach a place where they are able to let these and other related feelings go. Pets do not hold on to these emotions, and the support of animal companions may allow many people to shake off anger and resentment more easily.

Dogs and other pets who provide emotional support can also help us learn how to remain mindful and aware of the present moment. People can reap many benefits by being more mindful, including learning to make the best use of their time and experiencing a regular boost in mood and overall increased emotional stability. People who have not faced trauma can still benefit from mindfulness, but practicing mindfulness can be an essential aspect of stress relief when trauma has been present in a person’s life.

Remaining Mindful with the Help of a Pet

We encounter difficult emotions after a traumatic event in part because these events can become haunting and preclude us from living in the present moment. We may find ourselves overthinking what happened, ruminating, and re-experiencing it. Mindfulness, a concept gaining prominence in recent mental health discussions, can help thwart these effects.

Playing with, cuddling, or even just touching our pets is another way to practice mindfulness, though this act may be both underrated and overlooked.

By definition, mindfulness is the ability to both live each moment as it unveils itself and accept every moment without judgment. The practice of mindfulness has been proven to reduce stress and enhance overall health and well-being. Many activities can enhance mindfulness. Among these are yoga, massage, prayer, meditation, crafts, art, and running, as well as any number of others. Playing with, cuddling, or even just touching our pets is another way to practice mindfulness, though this act may be both underrated and overlooked.

We can learn mindfulness from our pets in other ways, too:

While the many, varied, and often difficult psychological effects of exposure to traumatic events can be debilitating, by putting in conscious efforts to both prevent and work through them, many people are able to find a sense of peace and joy once more. Living with a pet can facilitate and hasten this process, as pet ownership allows individuals to enjoy endless offerings of companionship, structure, and affection. Beyond these benefits, our pets can teach us some important life lessons.

In fact, many people who felt as though they could not help themselves after a trauma went on to report the advantages of living with an adopted pet after the trauma were disproportionately high, even when compared to the additional costs of living with an adopted pet.

Owning a pet may not be for everyone, but for those who have a pet or are considering adopting, it’s worth exploring just how much a furry friend may have to offer.

References:

  1. Bauer, A. (2015, April 23). Why do pets make us feel better? Retrieved from http://www.cancer.net/blog/2015-04/why-do-pets-make-us-feel-better
  2. Cimons, M. (2016, September 19). Your dog can make you feel better, and here’s why. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/your-dog-can-make-you-feel-better-and-heres-why/2016/09/19/fde4aeec-6a2a-11e6-8225-fbb8a6fc65bc_story.html?utm_term=.55bca0bc4166
  3. Mindfulness practices may help treat many mental health conditions. (2016, June 1). APA Blog. Retrieved from https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/apa-blog/2016/06/mindfulness-practices-may-help-treat-many-mental-health-conditions

Red rain boots, watering can and flowers in spring garden under the rainNowadays, people seem to be very aware of trauma, complex trauma, and both the existence and effects of posttraumatic stress (PTSD). This increased awareness can only be a good thing, but there’s one significant omission. I don’t often hear people talking about the concept of posttraumatic growth, or what could be considered the “silver lining” of trauma.

Far from considering the possible positive impact trauma could have on a person, modern culture seems to in fact be fixated on protecting people from hardships of any kind. In this litigation-minded society, people are cautious about every little thing. Children can’t play tag on the school playground or climb trees anymore because they might get hurt. People are preoccupied with safety, in Western cultures in particular.

Considering personal safety is, of course, important. But with the type of mindset that encourages children to see the potential danger in every action, children are then more likely to grow up being afraid to take any risks, for fear they might fall down and get hurt. The fact is, they might fall down and get hurt. But falling, even pain—neither are insurmountable experiences. Without pain, people cannot grow. It is the hardships in life that mold us and build our character and inner sense of confidence.

How Hardship Can Help Us Grow

Of course I am not saying people need to experience extreme forms of trauma in order to learn and grow. However, I do believe people benefit from facing hardship and difficulty, and the intrapersonal struggles we often undergo in order to persevere through these life challenges help us become strong enough to face them. With trauma, then, often comes the development of strength of character and inner conviction of survival and victory. [fat_widget_right]

“Although the world is full of suffering,” Helen Keller once said, “it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Consider that we cannot learn to get up until we fall down. Our confidence grows as we watch ourselves endure through and triumph over hardship.

Traumatic experiences are far-reaching and often affect all aspects of a person, including physical health, emotional state, and mental well-being. These effects are likely to include both immediate impact on a person’s life and daily function as well as long-term effects. An individual’s physical body, including their brain chemistry, is often radically changed—at least for a while.

The effects of trauma, whether they are short-term effects or last for months or even years, often include dissociation, increased negative thinking, flashbacks, triggers, emotional dysregulation, and changes in the brain’s structure, among others. In short, traumatic events transform a person.

When a person experiences any type of trauma (personal or otherwise), they often lose part of the self. Qualities such as trust, innocence, gullibility, sense of safety, and beliefs in the self and/or others may be shattered. Only once the initial shock of a traumatic experience wanes can the affected individual begin to grieve.

But falling, even pain—neither are insurmountable experiences. Without pain, people cannot grow. It is the hardships in life that mold us and build our character and inner sense of confidence.

Grieving is nature’s best way to heal trauma. Just like a broken arm needs healing, so does a broken psyche. But the grief process is just that—a process, not a destination. It can be described as a spiral: the feelings are experienced over time as healing takes place. Certain triggers may cause the survivor to be reminded life is not safe, and anxiety attacks may flare up when something akin to the original trauma happens.

But with rest, support, self-care, inner compassion, and other steps known to help the process of grief (journaling, crying, talking, expressing feelings through art, and being kind and patient with the self, among others), healing and posttraumatic growth are both possible.

Working Toward Posttraumatic Growth

If you have experienced trauma yourself, or if you are a counselor who wants to help someone you are working with understand how to make sense out of a trauma, you can ask questions such as, “How has this experience changed you?” “What wisdom do you have about life now that you didn’t have before this traumatic event occurred?” “What is helping you heal?”

Thought-provoking questions such as these can help people ponder the effects trauma has had on them. People often make meanings out of difficult life experiences through epiphanies. It would be difficult to “force” an epiphany, but you might ask, “Have you had any epiphanies related to your experience?”

I believe the most important way to transform trauma into growth is to find hope. If you have been victimized, finding something positive to hold on to is considered an essential aspect of recovery. This may not be easy, especially not at first, but it is imperative for a contented life. The discovery or regrowth of hope can lead to posttraumatic growth.

Though in the early wake of trauma, it may be difficult for some survivors to imagine any positive outcome, much less growth, it is possible for people to develop strengths and experience other positive effects after a traumatic experience, especially with the help of a compassionate and qualified mental health professional.

These “silver lining” benefits of trauma might include:

It should be emphasized it is never advised to push yourself or others to hurry through the grief process in order to arrive at the “meaning making” stage. The process of making meaning is not something to be forced. It is something to behold. It becomes apparent.

The process toward posttraumatic growth is not fixed, and each person may experience growth in different ways. However, what I consider the three necessary steps toward this growth are as follows:

  1. Grieving who you were and how you viewed reality prior to the traumatic event(s)
  2. Making meaning out of your experiences
  3. Choosing hope

An Attitude of Hope

Victor Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning said, about overcoming trauma, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.” [amazon_affiliate]

Frankl experienced great horrors when imprisoned in different concentration camps in Nazi Germany. After his rescue he went on with his life and became a great philosopher. He learned, in spite of everything taken from him, he still possessed a small glimmer of power—over his own attitude. He understood the ability to find his autonomy in that one area alone was enough for him to sustain any trauma.

Hope is an attitude. Hope is something that can be developed. When I talk about hope in this context, I am not talking about a hope such as “I hope tomorrow is a sunny day.” I am talking about the type of hope where you want something to happen, the deep abiding hope for a positive outcome, the hope that life will be good. This is the type of hope that is determined and knows, no matter what troubles befall a person, there is always a silver lining. This is positive anticipation. The feelings involved in this type of hope are ones of optimistic expectation and gratitude.

Helping Trauma Survivors

Counselors can help trauma survivors by constantly reminding them things will be better. “This, too, shall pass” and “Better days are coming.” It is important to remember each time you meet with a person who has survived trauma to tell them something encouraging. Be the hope that person may not be ready to own. Think of yourself as “hope personified.” The people you work with will pick up on your personal attitudes toward them and their tragedy.

You can even ask the person you are working with, “How can I encourage you today?” The person will often be able to tell you some specific thing that will be helpful to them. For example, they might say something like, “Tell me I’m going to get back to normal again.”  You can reply with an encouraging response such as, “You may not be the same, but you will heal, and you will be better.”

Always offer hope to the people you are working with, until they are able to own it themselves.

Important Notice

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