DNA models, (Close-up)The nature vs. nurture debate is well over a century old, yet that question still makes many scientists and psychologists wonder today. Which impacts people more: environment or genetics? Recent scientific discoveries suggest the two may impact each other in different ways.

Biologists originally believed the DNA passed down to offspring remained unaltered, regardless of environment. Scientists are now learning this may not be the case. According to epigenetics, your environment can modify your genes as well as those of your future children and grandchildren.

Epigenetics is the study of heritable changes in an organism that are caused by modification of how genes are expressed rather than altering the genes themselves. If you think of life as a movie: the DNA sequence is the script and epigenetics is the director, choosing which scenes to cut and which to play out. Here’s how it works:

Chemical tags called methyl groups serve as placeholders and attach to the DNA in each cell in order to select only the genes necessary for that specific cell’s proteins. Methyl groups attach to the genes but remain separate from the DNA’s double helix, signaling to the body which genes to use and which to ignore completely. This means that depending on environmental exposures, your gene expression can be altered in a way that affects your behavior, personality, and resiliency to stress and disease.

Here are five ways that your environment (or the environment of your ancestors) can modify your genes:

1. Parental Attentiveness May Alter Offspring’s Genetic Stress Response  

Whether your grandparents had a negative childhood or a nurturing one could affect your personality. Their experiences alter the epigenetic expression of genes in your brain, meaning you could inherit their anxiety or their resilience.

[fat_widget_right]Studies on rats have revealed how this process works. For one study, researchers Moshe Szyf and Michael Meaney selected mother rats who were either highly attentive or highly inattentive. Once the offspring reached adulthood, the researchers examined their stress responses.

The rats born to inattentive mothers were found to have highly methylated genes regulating glucocorticoid receptors, which serve to regulate stress hormones. In the rats with highly attentive mothers, these genes were rarely methylated. The methylation of these genes in the rats born to inattentive mothers prevented the normal amount of glucocorticoid receptors from being transcribed in the hippocampus—a structure in the limbic system of the brain that is critical for memory acquisition and stress response. As a result of the high methylation, these rats grew up with highly nervous temperaments.

To prove these findings resulted from the mother’s behavior and not her genes, two more studies were conducted. First, the researchers took rats born to attentive mothers and gave them to inattentive ones and vice versa. The rats born to attentive mothers and raised by inattentive ones still grew up to have low levels of glucocorticoid receptors in the hippocampus, leading to anxious temperaments. The rats born to inattentive mothers and raised by attentive ones ended up with high levels of glucocorticoid receptors and calm temperaments.

The last experiment sought to prove the epigenetic changes were a result of the mother’s behavior and not simply co-occurring. For this phase of the experiment, researchers took another litter of rats raised by inattentive mothers and gave them trichostatin A, a drug that removes methyl groups. The brains of these rats showed no epigenetic changes. The rats had normal temperaments without any behavioral deficits usually seen in the offspring of inattentive mothers.

Similar studies have been conducted on human brains. In 2008, the same researchers compared the brains of people who died from suicide with the brains of people who died suddenly from other causes. They found that the brains of those who committed suicide had excess methylation in the hippocampus. Furthermore, they found that those who were abused as children showed even more methylation.

2. Trauma Can Change Gene Expression of Future Generations

According to behavioral epigenetics, the traumatic experiences of your ancestors can leave a mark on your genes, meaning you could inherit a predisposition to depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues due to the trauma or neglect your grandfather suffered as an infant.

A recent lab study at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia regularly exposed male mice to the chemical acetophenone—which has a sweet almond-like smell—before giving them a mild foot shock. After days of repeated exposure, the mice became fearful when exposed to the smell—even when they received no electric shock. Ten days following this phase of the experiment, the mice were allowed to mate with unexposed females.

Both the children and the children’s offspring (the grandchildren of the exposed mice) were more sensitive to acetophenone than other odors and were more likely to be startled by unexpected noises during exposure to the smell. Furthermore, all three generations of mice had enlarged ‘M71 glomeruli,’ which are structures in the nose that connect with the acetophenone-sensitive neurons in the olfactory bulb. This type of genetic inheritance serves an evolutionary purpose, as it can prepare offspring for potential environmental threats.

3. Your Grandmother’s Diet Could Affect Your Health

According to epigeneticists, dietary choices can affect more than just personal health; they can alter the genes of future descendants.

If you think of life as a movie: the DNA sequence is the script and epigenetics is the director, choosing which scenes to cut and which to play out.Scientists in Cambodia have linked the early onset of type 2 diabetes in the country’s young adults to their mothers’ starvation. Those conceived and born during the Khmer Rouge regime—between 1975 and 1979—have unusually high diabetes rates. In the four years that the Khmer Rouge ruled Cambodia, as many as 2 million people died from execution, starvation, and disease. Cambodian scientists believe the exposure of the fetus to the mother’s starvation may have had an epigenetic effect, altering the mothers’ DNA in such a way that it could affect the DNA of their future offspring as well.

Other studies have yielded similar findings. A study at Duke University revealed that mouse clones implanted as embryos in different mothers had fundamental differences in weight, fur color, and risk for disease depending on what the mother was fed during pregnancy.

Another study at the University of Groningen, The Netherlands demonstrated several ways in which nutrition altered the epigenome of many different animal species, including adult humans. The research indicated that the diet of adult humans could induce changes in all cells—including sperm and egg—all of which can be passed down to offspring.

4. Your Parents’ Environment Can Genetically Predispose You to Mental Health Conditions

Neuroscientist Eric Nestler subjected male mice to 10 days of bullying from larger, more aggressive mice. By the end of the 10 days, the bullied mice were more socially withdrawn.

Nestler then tested to see if this trait would be inherited in the next generation. He bred another group of bullied mice with unaffected females and kept the bullied mice from meeting their offspring. Even though the mice had no social contact with their depressed and socially withdrawn fathers, they grew up hypersensitive to stress and with a significant predisposition to depression.

5. Your Parents’ Economic Status Can Alter Your Gene Expression

In 2011, Szyf examined the blood samples of 40 men for markers of epigenetic methylation. All of these men had at some point in their lives either been extremely poor or extremely wealthy. He examined the methylation of 20,000 genes, and he found that 6,176 of them varied significantly based on economic status.

His study also revealed that these genes were more than twice as likely to show methylation changes if the economic status occurred during early childhood rather than in adulthood. This suggests that if your parents hit a windfall or went bankrupt when you were a toddler, it is more likely to have an epigenetic effect than if you experienced a large financial change as an adult.

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Despite countless research studies, many scientists still remain skeptical of the role of epigenetics in biological makeup because the mechanism by which it works can be mysterious. It can also be difficult to measure and control in scientific studies.

Illustrating the effect of transgenerational epigenetic inheritance in the laboratory can be challenging because most studies track outcomes, which can be impacted by a number of factors, making cause and effect difficult to pin down. To explain such a phenomenon will require a profound inquiry in reproductive biology to determine how the cells that develop into sperm and eggs carry the relevant signals and information needed to carry on a person’s epigenetic legacy.

The study of epigenetics may help shape the future of the mental health field and could offer a deeper understanding of the environmental and hereditary links to conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and autism. Further research into how epigenetic changes could be reversible may also offer hope of potential cures for these conditions as well as for other health issues, including Alzheimer’s, cancer, and diabetes.

References:

  1. Cambodia’s brutal Khmer Rouge regime – BBC News. (2014, August 4). Retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-pacific-10684399
  2. Diep, F. (2014, February 19). How Nutrition in One Generation Can Change the Genetics of the Next. Popular Science. Retrieved from: http://www.popsci.com/article/science/how-nutrition-one-generation-can-change-genetics-next
  3. Hughess, V. (2014, March 5). Epigenetics: the sins of the father. Nature: International Weekly Journal of Science. Retrieved from: http://www.nature.com/news/epigenetics-the-sins-of-the-father-1.14816
  4. Hurley, D. (2015, June 25). Grandma’s Experiences Leave a Mark on Your Genes. Retrieved from: http://discovermagazine.com/2013/may/13-grandmas-experiences-leave-epigenetic-mark-on-your-genes
  5. Wanjek, C. (2012, July 27). Your Diet Affects Your Grandchildren’s DNA, Scientists Say. Live Science. Retrieved from: http://www.livescience.com/21902-diet-epigenetics-grandchildren.html
  6. Weaver, I. C. G., Cervoni, N., Champagne, F. A., D’Alessio, A. C., Sharma, S., Seckl, J. R., … Meaney, M. J. (2004). Epigenetic programming by maternal behavior. Nature Neuroscience, 7(8), 847-854. 10.1038/nn1276

Beautiful woman doing different expressions in different sets of clothesThe key to having freedom and joy in our lives stems directly from managing our emotions rationally and effectively. Practicing emotional intelligence keeps us intimately connected with our thoughts and their emotional correlates.

However, sometimes certain habits or life occurrences block us from thriving. Understanding these roadblocks can move us one step closer to healing.

It can be argued that we choose our emotions based on what we think. This notion can be a bit of a misnomer. If we can’t point to the thought or belief with awareness—meaning be conscious of it—can we really say we’ve chosen the emotion in question? I think it’s fair to say no. Psychology has long explored human behavior through the stimulus response theory. Basically, it states that we respond to things (or behave) according to the stimuli presented to us. The challenge with this theory is how to incorporate our personal make-up, decision making, and level of personal awareness into this model and show how they all interact with a stimulus to produce a response.

Practicing emotional intelligence requires patience, determination, and strength. All of these qualities are required when learning to “sit with” our emotions. To fully feel emotions that have long been ignored or resisted can prove quite painful. When we don’t have a loving relationship toward our emotions, we can turn them into bad guys or bogeymen we avoid. Ignoring our emotions in this fashion prevents us from fully recognizing what sorts of beliefs and views we hold. This pattern can develop further into chronic, overreactive emotional responses that may not make sense based on the stimuli present.

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A concept that explains this situation is called emotional hijacking. Emotional hijacking occurs when a stimulus activates the “emotional brain” and causes a person to react before that information reaches the neo-cortex. If the information doesn’t reach or get processed by the neo-cortex, reasoning around/with the stimulus in question doesn’t take place. This is important to recognize, as it describes why so many of us feel blindsided and overcome by our emotions. It also explains why so many of us perceive, long after the fact, that an emotion was “irrational.”

While we “choose” our emotions in the sense that what we think leads to what we feel, it’s important to recognize that emotional hijacking is a real phenomenon.

Trauma fits nicely into the concept of emotional hijacking. People who have experienced trauma can find themselves emotionally hijacked on a regular basis. The moment of the traumatic event, the person may have feared for his or her life or safety. Furthermore, he or she may have been unable to get out of the situation and unable to discharge the intense emotional charge of fear and helplessness generated in the moment. This charge gets stuck in the body. Left unprocessed, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and of course emotional hijacking.

Another core aspect of trauma is the formation of mental walls blocking connection with the original hurt. Consciously or unconsciously, a traumatized person learns to avoid anything that may trigger further emotional distress. You can see here that awareness of one’s thoughts isn’t sufficient for healing. One must also learn to re-experience those pent-up emotions in a safe and healthy manner.

While we “choose” our emotions in the sense that what we think leads to what we feel, it’s important to recognize that emotional hijacking is a real phenomenon. When we actively avoid connecting with old hurts and traumas, we set ourselves up for more pain in the future. This two-step process of connecting with our emotions on a bodily level and with the thoughts to which they are connected increases our chances for healing. Learning to acknowledge and eventually accept these emotions helps us live fuller lives.

Man and Woman Noticing Each OtherI recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

  1. I have something to tell you.
  2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
  3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
  4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

  1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
  2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
  3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Unhappy Mother Dressed For Work Holding Baby In BedroomMany years ago, before I had children, I worked with a parent who confided that she would sometimes get so frustrated with her baby that she fantasized about throwing him out the window. I was horrified to hear this, and thought there was something really troubled about this parent—that is, until I had my own (colicky) baby and began to have similar fantasies.

Just to be clear, neither this parent nor I was going to hurt anyone. There is a world of difference between fantasizing and acting. But our feelings of frustration and hate were very real and powerful. And we are not alone. Having had the pleasure of both participating in and leading several parenting support groups over the years, I can tell you that many parents have feelings of hate or other strongly negative feelings toward their kids at one time or another.

So, if hating our children is so ubiquitous, why isn’t it more openly acknowledged?

We have all heard (ad nauseam) about the positive feelings we are supposed to cultivate in ourselves and express toward our children, feelings such as patience, acceptance, unconditional love, pride, etc. Rarely, though, do we hear about the validity of feeling hate or other strongly negative feelings toward our children.

Fortunately, this has shifted somewhat in the past decade or so. The proliferation of parent support groups where the expression of negative feelings is accepted and supported, and the publication of books such as the satirical parenting guides Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, et al., Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault by Bunmi Laditan, and the faux children’s book Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortes, have helped normalize parents’ negative feelings. Despite these advances, however, a culture of secrecy and shame around hating our kids persists.

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In order to understand why this is, it might be helpful to first look at the question of why we hate our kids.

To some extent, it’s just common sense: spending hours upon hours, days upon days, years upon years taking care of someone who is dependent on you, but often demanding and resentful of you, naturally breeds some negative feelings.

For a more in-depth look at parental hate, Donald Winnicott (a psychoanalyst and coiner of the phrase “the good enough mother”) explained it best when he gave the following reasons (among others) as to why a mother might hate her baby (1975; p. 201).

And yet, Winnicott goes on, for all the hate the mother may feel toward her baby, she must learn to tolerate this feeling without acting on it or expressing it in its raw, rageful form (p. 202). In short, mothers—and I would add fathers, too—must contain their feelings of rage. Perhaps it is this need for containment and the challenges this task poses that explains why parental hate is still somewhat taboo.

But what does it even mean to contain one’s negative feelings toward one’s child? And why is it so important?

I would argue that containment is achieved when parents are able to accept and integrate into their emotional landscape, at least to some extent, their negative feelings toward their children. Generally, when we fail to accept our negative feelings toward our children, we act in one of two ways: we become rageful or we withdraw emotionally, either of which can be problematic.

When we rage at our children, we give them the message that we are not in control of our negative feelings, that negative feelings are scary and bad, and that any such feelings they have should be expressed in a similar way, or hidden away because they are too scary.

Alternatively, when we cut ourselves off from our negative feelings or hide them away such that we don’t have access to and don’t express them to our children, our children get the message that negative feelings are unacceptable and wrong and that when they feel and/or express negative feelings, they are bad for doing so. Having negative feelings becomes a scary, lonely, and powerless experience.

So, if we aren’t supposed to act on or hide our hateful feelings toward our kids, what the heck do we do with them?

As I suggested above, the first step is to accept them, to not feel ashamed of them, to understand that they are valid. In this way, we come to integrate these feelings into the rest of who we are and what we feel. In practice, this might mean sharing our feelings with other parents, complaining about or talking trash about our kids to others, or maybe speaking with a counselor or therapist—release! Often, this is enough for us to feel sane and in control and to contain our negative feelings in a way our child needs.

Sometimes, though, it is not enough for us to calmly hold our negative feelings without expressing them. Sometimes our children need to feel our hate or negative feelings toward them—not necessarily in their raw form, but in a controlled way.

Why is this? Why do our children ever need to experience our hate toward them?

How Psychoanalysis Can Inform Parenting

Once again, I believe Winnicott explained it best when he stated (1975): “It seems doubtful whether a human child as he develops is capable of tolerating the full extent of his own hate in a sentimental environment. He needs hate to hate.” (p. 202)

Hyman Spotnitz, founder of modern psychoanalysis, a branch of psychoanalysis, elaborated on Winnicott’s thesis when he wrote about the relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. In psychoanalysis, it is believed that the relationship between the person in therapy and the therapist inherently evokes feelings from the former’s past (and sometimes the therapist’s, too), particularly with regards to the relationship to his or her parents. When evoked in the context of the psychoanalytic relationship, certain powerful feelings can arise in the person toward the therapist and the therapist towards the person in therapy, including feelings of hate.

Although he cautioned against expressing all of one’s feelings toward the people one works with in therapy, Spotnitz warned against the therapist always hiding his negative feelings (2004). He wrote, “To allot too little hate to a patient who needs to learn to experience and sustain it comfortably is unjust. To give him too little feeling because the analyst has too much of it is a technical error. The patient is entitled to whatever feeling—positive or negative—he needs …” (p. 159)

Spotnitz further writes (2004) that the therapist needs to express his hatred in order to help the person in therapy experience and sustain his or her own negative feelings. In this way, the therapist helps the person feel less alone with his or her hate, feel that the therapist is more like him/her, with a more equitable balance of goodness and badness (that is, the person is not all bad for his or her negative feelings, and the therapist not all good for not expressing his/hers).

Spotnitz also suggests (2004) that the sharing of the therapist’s hate can reassure the person in therapy of his or her impact on the therapist, giving the person a sense of control and power. Furthermore, when the therapist expresses negative feelings to the person, the person can see that the therapist’s verbal expression does not necessarily lead to action, the therapist thereby modeling for the person the importance of putting feelings into words rather than acting out.

While I do not advocate being therapists to our children (in fact, I strongly caution against it), I would argue that many of the beliefs of psychoanalysis more generally, and modern psychoanalysis specifically, very much apply to parenting. We need to try to accept and integrate our feelings of hate and other negative feelings toward our children so that we can contain them and, when appropriate, choose to express them to our children in a controlled fashion. In this way, our children can see that we have powerful, negative feelings, too, and that they are not alone with their scary, hateful feelings and are not bad for having them. We let our children know that despite how powerless they feel at times, they do have some power in being able to affect us and stir up powerful feelings in us. We help our children accept and integrate their own hate, so that it becomes one of many feelings they can experience and express, not one that is split off and acted out because of fear or shame.

In short, sometimes our hate can be helpful to our kids.

So, what does “helpful hate” look like in practice?

How Hate Can Be Helpful

To illustrate, I recount a situation with a parent, whom I shall call Angela, who was a member of one of my parenting groups.

Angela was a parent of two—a 6-year-old girl, whom I will call Josephine, and a 3-year-old boy whom I will call Sam. Josephine had been a very easy baby and toddler; she had a calm temperament and was well-behaved. Angela felt confident and competent in her parenting of Josephine.

It was therefore a bit of a surprise and disappointment to Angela when Sam was born and turned out to be a very difficult baby and toddler. Much more physically developed than verbal, Sam would get frustrated when he didn’t get his way and couldn’t express himself, and would often hit Angela, quite hard, to express his frustration. Angela would become enraged and scream at Sam when he hit her. Sam, in turn, became very scared and would start sobbing inconsolably, at which point Angela would feel so guilty that she would apologize profusely and try to comfort Sam, to no avail. Unfortunately, this became a cycle, with Angela and Sam clearly both very upset about what was happening between them, but with the hitting and screaming continuing.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

When Angela spoke in the parenting group about this dynamic, she expressed deep shame about her rage and her screaming and the cycle in which she and Sam were engaged. She so desperately wanted to be in control and to figure out a way to break the cycle.

After several weeks of discussing her predicament, one of the other members of the group blurted out, “Sam’s a terror! Of course you want to scream at him! It’s a miracle you don’t hit him back!” Angela looked stunned, but then burst out laughing, as did the rest of the group.

It seemed that something had been liberated in Angela. She had finally been given permission to accept her strongly negative feelings toward Sam. Little by little, Angela was able to discuss and accept her more negative feelings—her disappointment that Sam wasn’t easier like his sister, her anger at Sam for leading her to feel like an inadequate parent, and much more.

Over time, these feelings stopped being so scary and shameful to Angela. As Angela became more accepting of her negative feelings, her rage began to dissipate, and when Sam hit her, she often felt “simply” angry rather than enraged. Angela began to feel more in control of her feelings and more able to focus on what to do with Sam in a less reactive, guilty way.

Over time, Angela’s yelling at Sam began to decrease. Rather, when Sam hit her, Angela would firmly and somewhat angrily tell Sam to stop, that she knew he was mad but that hitting was not OK, that if he was mad, he could yell “No!” or “I’m mad!” She would then send Sam to his room for a time-out.

It seemed to have the desired effect. Over time, Sam’s hitting greatly decreased and his use of the words “no!” and “mad!” greatly increased. It would seem that, for both Sam and Angela, negative feelings had become more acceptable, more integrated parts of who they were and how they interacted with each other.

Although it is impossible to know what Sam’s subjective experience of all this was or even to be sure what aspect of Angela’s approach was effective, I would speculate that because of the changes in Angela’s feelings and actions, she was able to accomplish at least some of the following:

Of course, there are times when this type of approach doesn’t work for a variety of reasons. Hey, nothing works all the time in parenting. We are human; we lose control; our kids lose control. And certainly, many parents are perfectly capable of handling their hatred and other negative feelings without the help of psychoanalysis.

Nonetheless, what I think is unique about psychoanalysis and what it can contribute to parenting is its ability to help people learn about and accept all their feelings, both positive and negative, and to show people what to do with their feelings (contain, express, etc.), particularly the more difficult ones such as hate.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

References:

  1. Kilmartin, L., Moline, K., Ybarbo, A., & Zoellner, Mary Ann. (2012). Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us. Harry Abrams.
  2. Latidan, B. (2015). Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault. Workman Publishing Company.
  3. Mansbach, A., & Cortes, R. (2011). Go the F**k to Sleep. Akashic Books.
  4. Spotnitz, H. (2004). Modern Psychoanalysis of the Schizophrenic Patient. YBK Publishers.
  5. Winnicott, D.W. (1975). Hate in the Countertransference. Through Pediatrics to Psychoanalysis, pp. 194-203. New York: Basic Books.

man training yogaAs Roger—not his real name—sensed his body, he began to notice a deep contraction in his heart that pained him deeply. He had been hearing from his meditation teachers that he had to stay with it and continue sensing his body no matter what, even if he felt emotional pain.

Given how much faith he had in the method, he followed the instructions diligently, even though his emotional response was too overwhelming to put aside. The pain became so intense that it began to feel like sharp shards of glass inside his chest—and he began experiencing deep rage that turned against himself.

“What is wrong with me that I can’t do this?” he thought. Images of self-injury and hitting himself began to flood his mind. He didn’t know what to do with this level of self-hatred. At the same time, he was determined to stay with his body at all costs.

At that point, he had two opposing forces inside him that kept him frozen in great emotional pain and intrusive mental images. Finally, the intensity became so strong that he jumped up and bolted from the meditation hall, running out toward nature, where he found relief at last.

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Roger’s heart was pounding, and his level of arousal was too much for his nervous system to tolerate. He wept deeply. As a result of his intense meditation, Roger experienced a resurfacing of old trauma that he did not even know he had. This incident happened to Roger many years ago, on the sixth day of a silent 10-day Vipassana retreat. The episode had a big impact on his well-being, and he didn’t learn how to deal with it until years later, after much therapy.

Roger’s experience at the retreat can happen for anyone who engages in deep meditation and carries a great deal of unprocessed or unconscious trauma. “I didn’t even know back then that I had such a level of trauma. I thought everybody had so much difficulty being with themselves, and I naively also thought that meditation was the grand cure-all,” Roger told me during a session.

Although meditation can be a great support for many of us and can even be helpful in dealing with psychological difficulties, it can also trigger traumatic responses that may need further processing. Without appropriate guidance, meditation can be more of a stressor than a support for some people.

Unconscious Trauma

Trauma is the result of our nervous systems being overwhelmed by experiences that we are unable to tolerate and process. This can be the result of a single life-threatening event, or of repeated stressors accumulating over time. Trauma is particularly devastating if we’re young and vulnerable, so early traumatic experiences tend to have deep impacts that, as adults, we may be completely unconscious of. Mindfulness meditation can reopen these old wounds, and without appropriate support, anyone can get lost in these deeply painful experiences.

One common meditation technique that is taught at many mindfulness courses and retreats is the body scan. During this practice, participants bring their attention to their body sensations in a methodical way. This is a great tool to develop sensitivity and self-awareness. However, as we sensitize ourselves to our bodies, we may end up encountering previously unconscious trauma.

Titration Is Key

Titration is a concept borrowed from chemistry that Peter Levine, creator of the Somatic Experiencing method, uses to illustrate how to approach traumatic material. Levine (2010) gives the example that if one were to mix two reactive chemical compounds all at once, the result would be an explosion. However, if one uses a glass valve and mixes them one drop at a time, the result would be safe; each drop creates a small, manageable fizzle.

The same principle applies when working with trauma. If we are able to turn our attention back and forth between sources of support (e.g., pleasant bodily sensations, views, or touch) and the safer edges of a difficult inner experience, we have a much better chance of working effectively with the traumatic material than if we try to simply stay present with the material all at once. This takes a great deal of skill and is very difficult to do without support. If we don’t know how to titrate or skillfully work with the challenging sensations that can arise, we can end up retraumatizing ourselves.

Not All Retreats Are Created Equal

A meditation retreat can be a fantastic way to deepen your meditation practice and develop your capacity to be with experience. Meditation retreats are also great for giving us a continuous experience of presence; during sustained meditation practice, after a couple of days you can experience deep levels of absorption and profound wellness. But not all meditation retreats are the same.

If you know you have trauma and are engaged in serious meditation practice, be cautious and seek help to deal with it.

Depending on the tradition and the teachers, retreat leaders may or may not have psychological experience or expertise with trauma. The good news is that, nowadays, many meditation teachers are informed about trauma, and some even get training in working with it. In order to work with your own trauma at a meditation retreat, flexibility is important. Allowing yourself to deviate from the schedule and seek support with teachers or nature can make all the difference.

The retreat mentioned at the beginning of this article was not very flexible. Its guidelines were strict, and it was designed for people to achieve deep levels of concentration—a format that can be fantastic for someone with a relatively intact ego structure, but retraumatizing for someone with deep trauma, as it was for Roger.

It’s about Staying with Our Experience

Staying with our experience without trying to change it is at the core of mindfulness meditation practice. This practice has many benefits, such as developing self-acceptance and self-awareness. However, staying with ourselves does not mean we have to bear inner torture. If an experience feels overwhelming, it is probably not helpful to stay with it in a continuous way. At this point, finding an external resource such as nature or someone to support us becomes more important than staying directly with the experience.

If you know you have trauma and are engaged in serious meditation practice, be cautious and seek help to deal with it. Part of doing inner work consists of discovering the right balance between challenging and supporting ourselves; when trauma is present, this point tends to be skewed toward either too much challenge or complete avoidance of the situation that triggers the trauma. Neither approach will help you metabolize and transform traumatic psychological imprints. This is why having someone to help you traverse this difficult territory is key.

In sum, mindfulness meditation is a fantastic tool for supporting our well-being, and if taken seriously, it can truly transform our lives. However, because it is a serious practice, it can reopen old wounds in unsuspecting participants, so please be careful and seek the guidance of a trained therapist if you know you have trauma in your background.

Reference:

Levine, P. A. In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Berkeley: North Atlantic, 2010.

Woman Surrounded by a Crowd of People Wearing MasksThere are times when we aren’t necessarily our best selves—times when we’re tired or cranky, feeling less than capable, unsure which direction to turn, anxious, or just plain “off.” Frequently in those moments, we compensate by putting on a “mask” of sorts.

We sometimes put on a mask to protect us from letting others see us as weak or imperfect (and the truth is, we don’t like to see ourselves that way, either). Generally speaking, we don’t want others to see us sweat. We often associate masks with being less than authentic.

However, a positive phenomenon can take place when we pretend to be something we’re not. Have you heard the expression “fake it until you make it”? When we take on the characteristics we’d like to possess, practice them with regularity, and change our behaviors in order to better match those traits, we may find ourselves becoming that which we originally pretended to be.

The following are five masks that many of us wear when we’re feeling “less than,” and how they sometimes serve us well:

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1. Confidence

Ever tell others “I can do this!” while your inner voice is whispering “no, you can’t”? It can be incredibly powerful to let that mask of confidence win the debate. When you project confidence, others believe you and often mirror it back. When that happens, you can begin to see yourself as competent and able in others’ eyes, and you may be more likely to follow through and behave accordingly. Before you know it, you’re demonstrating to yourself and others that you’re capable of things you previously questioned.

2. Calm

Have you ever kept yourself from losing control in a crucial situation while still feeling anxiety or fear? People in positions of authority (parents, teachers, coaches, executives, law enforcement) are often required to project calm in times of chaos and confusion. This doesn’t necessarily mean they ARE calm. They assume the mask of calmness because it is what the situation dictates and because they know if they don’t, things may get worse. Sometimes it can be enough to have just one person suggest that calm is the way to be; others will typically follow suit. This can be a useful strategy in diffusing a tense or stressful situation.

Have you heard the expression “fake it until you make it”? When we take on the characteristics we’d like to possess, practice them with regularity, and change our behaviors in order to better match those traits, we may find ourselves becoming that which we originally pretended to be.

3. Certainty

Do people look to you for decisions or direction? If so, you probably don’t ALWAYS have all the answers. However, it can be comforting to others if you convey a sense of certainty when you make choices. It’s important to wear this mask carefully. You don’t want to speak with authority on topics you know nothing about—better to honestly share that you have no expertise in certain areas. But if a decision about how to move forward is needed and you’ve got a pretty good idea about how to do that, make your choice or give your opinion with a degree of certainty and pay attention to how others respond. They will likely listen more carefully, and be more likely to pledge their support, than when you give a response couched in skepticism or doubt.

4. Cheerfulness or Enthusiasm

Ever arrive at a party telling yourself you’ll stay only an hour and end up being the last one to leave after a wonderful evening? You likely started out wearing the mask of cheerfulness or enthusiasm while actually wishing you were somewhere else. Along the way, you became engaged and more present, and in so doing discovered that you are having fun. Sometimes we force ourselves to do things we’d rather not, or challenge ourselves to be personable when we’d rather be off on our own, and we are surprised and pleased to find we can connect in a positive manner, and we become energized as a result.

5. Caring/Compassion

Have you ever demonstrated interest in something when you actually felt indifferent about it? Sometimes what happens is you start out simulating that you’re an interested party, or simply going through the motions because you feel pressured to do so, but before you know it you’ve connected with someone or something that impacts you in unexpected ways. This might happen as you enter into a simple conversation, or you begin volunteering because others you know are doing it or because you’re expected to do so, and then you find yourself falling in love with the mission or cause. It’s not uncommon for people to discover that they care more than they originally imagined.

Have you faked one or all of these traits? Which masks have you worn, only to uncover those very strengths within yourself along the way?

GoodTherapy | How to Help an Aging Parent with DepressionAs the human lifespan grows, many people are now living well into their eighties and nineties. That’s wonderful news, but it comes with new challenges. One of them is the challenge of addressing mental health issues in our aging parents.

Depression is frequent among older adults. The rate of depression in persons over age 65 varies depending on the person’s overall health and living situation, but it can be as high as about 27% (Cswe.org, 2015).

What Causes Aging-Related Depression?

Several factors can contribute to depression in older adults, including:

For many aging adults, the world can seem like an increasingly confusing place. There are always new technologies and new ways of doing things. Feeling unsure of themselves, older adults may become stubborn and cling to the things they know and are more comfortable with. Keep in mind that for many in this generation, psychotherapy and mental health treatment may not be seen in a positive light, having been stigmatized throughout their lives. Thus, suggesting therapy may seem extreme or even insulting to an aging person, even if he or she would clearly benefit.

How to Support a Depressed Parent

  1. Respect his or her need for independence, and don’t try to take control.
  2. Offer love and support; just letting him or her know you care and are available is enough. For many people (young and older), admitting that they are depressed is difficult.
  3. Delicately suggest one or two visits with a therapist who is experienced in geriatric issues, then leave it up to your parent whether to continue.
  4. Talk about a friend or someone you know who experienced a time of depression and then recovered. Gently suggest that perhaps it is similarly possible for your parent to improve his or her mood and sense of happiness.
  5. Learn active listening and empathy skills and become a good listener, without judgment or advice.

Is Medication a Good Option?

Sometimes, medication can be a good option for older persons, and sometimes it can make things worse by affecting cognitive function. It’s important to get a thorough evaluation by a qualified mental health professional who is trained in a variety of treatment approaches.

Watching an aging parent give up and not take good care of himself or herself can be heartbreaking and frustrating. It’s natural to want to insist that your parent get help, but being overly pushy can make things worse. A gentle approach that respects your parent as a competent adult is often the best bet.

Reference:

Gellis, Z. D., & McCracken, S. G. (2015). Mental Health and Older Adults – Chapter 3: Depressive Disorders in Older Adults. Council on Social Work Education. Retrieved from http://www.cswe.org/File.aspx?id=23509

Person in casual clothes sits cross-legged and writes notes in notebook, thinkingWe all have emotions and moods. Some people have very even temperaments and their moods are mostly stable. Others can go from happy to anxious to depressed to euthymic quite quickly.

Everyone has mood changes throughout the day, but it can be hard to commit to memory exactly what the moods were and the circumstances surrounding them. This is why charting your moods can be an effective tool to further your psychotherapy or other course of treatment.

Here are five great benefits of mood charting:

  1. It allows you to connect your feelings to what happened during the day. For example, a person may be struggling with a sudden surge of depressive feelings. When examined, it turns out that a minor conflict at work affected him or her deeply, more so than he or she consciously knew.
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  2. Mood charts can help your physician, therapist, or psychiatrist give you a more accurate diagnosis. Mood and anxiety issues are partly defined by how long someone has had the condition. For major depression, a mood chart can help your doctor or therapist better understand the duration and severity of your moods, and how quickly they switch. If your mood swings dramatically over weeks or months, this could be a sign of bipolar. People tend not to remember their mood fluctuations during the day. If you make a point to record how you’re feeling throughout the day, it can help identify and guide an appropriate course of treatment or therapy.
  3. Charting your mood allows you to see patterns in your life. When your mood changes, what else is going on in your life? Some women are especially sensitive to the mood changes that come before, during, or after menstruation. Other people have extreme moods that coincide with working night shifts or swing shifts. If you notice your mood on Saturday evening drops, it may be due to anxiety about heading to work on Monday.
  4. It allows you to better understand your triggers. A trigger is an event that brings out a behavioral or emotional feeling. If you have had a miscarriage, you might be overwhelmed with anxiety when going to a baby shower or when you see an infant. Seeing a pregnant woman could be the trigger in this instance.
  5. Keeping track of your moods can tell you a lot about the timing of your different mood states. Perhaps your chart shows that Sunday evenings are hard, and you recognize that it’s because work has been stressful lately. Some people find themselves reacting strongly to things when it’s near the anniversary of a loved one’s death, even if they don’t consciously acknowledge it.

Charting can be as simple as writing down your moods in a notebook or as high-tech as using a smartphone application to chart and graph your changing feelings. Either way, it doesn’t take long, and the benefits can be many.

If you have tracked your moods, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

face profile in black and white silhouetteTrauma can be defined as an event that falls outside the range of usual human experience that causes distress. Trauma can be either human-made or from natural causes. Examples of human-made trauma include physical or sexual violence, war, car accidents, or witnessing the injury of someone else. Natural traumatic events might include floods, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions.

The way people experience trauma can be grouped into two types: big T and little t. A big T event is one that most people would consider traumatic, such as a plane crash or sudden and unexpected loss of a loved one. A little t event is one experienced as traumatic at a personal level, such as the loss of a pet or a relationship breakup.

How Your Body Responds to Trauma

When you experience a traumatic event, your body may respond by going through a sequence of six different actions. Many people have heard of the fight-or-flight response, which is part of the larger picture. Each action is thought to be your body’s way of trying to protect you from potential harm. You may experience the full sequence of events or only part of it, depending on the situation. The response varies depending on how severe you think the threat is in relation to your own power to take action.

Trauma Response No. 1: Freeze

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]During the freeze response, your body stops to heighten your awareness of what’s going on around you. Your hearing and vision will likely seem heightened as your brain attempts to gauge how threatening the situation is.

Trauma Response No. 2: Flight

Once you’ve perceived that a situation is threatening, your body goes into an “alert” mode. Your muscles tense up and your body readies itself to flee if necessary.

Trauma Response No. 3: Fight

The third response many people experience in a traumatic situation is to feel like fighting or confronting the situation or perpetrator. Your heart rate will increase and you may attempt to counteract the danger.

Trauma Response No. 4: Fright

The fright response occurs when your emotions peak with the feeling of fear and your ability to think or concentrate becomes limited. Your body may become immobile, and parts of the event may start to be “blocked out” as you come to realize that there may be no way to escape or counter the situation.

Trauma Response No. 5: Flag

The flagging response is when your biological systems begin to shut down, your blood pressure drops, and your emotions become numbed.

Trauma Response No. 6: Faint

The final response to trauma is fainting, which happens in extreme cases and includes losing the ability to send any messages to your body to take action.

Why Your Brain Holds on to Traumatic Experiences and How To Let Them Go

When I speak with survivors of sexual assault, they often mention experiencing the first or fourth responses and describe feeling frozen or dissociated from the violence happening to their bodies. Trauma survivors often say they aren’t able to remember the entire traumatic event, which makes sense. When you’re scared, unable to concentrate, and your body’s systems are shutting down, it’s highly unlikely that you will remember everything that is going on or recall the order in which things happened. Other people, however, can remember vivid details about the event but still may notice gaps or have trouble accurately describing what happened.

Counseling may not be able to help you fill in all the missing pieces as a result of the trauma, but it can help piece together a fuller image of your life and create greater clarity about where the trauma fits within the bigger picture.Two areas of the brain that manage memory and emotions are commonly affected by traumatic events, which can help explain why memories become fragmented and emotions may feel overwhelming even after the trauma has ended. The brain seems to pick and choose memories and feelings it thinks are the most helpful for your survival, and it wants you to retain that information.

Although your body is designed to protect you during a trauma, your brain might be sending unhelpful messages that keep your body in constant protection mode long after the trauma is over. It’s almost as if your brain thinks if it can hold on to those bits and pieces of scary memories and not let go of all the feelings after a traumatic experience, maybe you will stay safe and not get hurt again. However, constantly remembering the event and feeling worried, numb, and hypervigilant can be exhausting and frustrating. This is when you may feel the need to seek help from a therapist or other mental health professional.

By talking about the event with a counselor, you can process it at your own pace and put words to what you experienced to help your body and mind let go and quit trying to protect you unnecessarily. Counseling may not be able to help you fill in all the missing pieces as a result of the trauma, but it can help piece together a fuller image of your life and create greater clarity about where the trauma fits within the bigger picture.

References:

  1. Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 445–461.
  2. Schauer, M., Neuner, F., & Elbert, T. (2011). Narrative exposure therapy (2nd ed.). Cambridge, MA: Hogrefe.

broken window in houseOctober is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The more we talk about domestic violence, the more likely it becomes that we build awareness, identify abusive behaviors, and take action to prevent harm to people in our communities who may be family, friends, neighbors, or coworkers.

So let’s talk about it.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Let’s start by talking about what domestic violence is and is not. We can define domestic violence as a pattern of behaviors used by one person in a relationship to exert power and control over the other person in that relationship.

Domestic violence is not a “relationship problem” or a “rough patch” in a relationship. It is ongoing. It is a pattern of behavior that tends to begin with something seemingly minor, which then escalates over time and becomes increasingly dangerous in nature.

The cycle of abuse typically begins when tension builds and the abusive person becomes angry. Some form of abusive behavior follows—it could be name calling, it could be throwing a dinner plate, or it could be any number of other actions. After the abusive incident, there may be a “honeymoon” or make-up phase in which the abusive person apologizes, promises to change, and/or swears the abuse will never happen again. The honeymoon phase is typically followed up by a time of calm in which the abusive person and possibly even the victim behave as if the abuse never happened.

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Types of Abuse

Domestic violence exists in various forms, but the common thread among them is the aim to maintain power and control. Abuse may take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual, or stalking.

Technological abuse is becoming increasingly common as well. Technological abuse may include the abusive person posting pictures online of the victim or sending threats via text message or email. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds in the United States. The Coalition also reports that one in three women and one in four men is physically abused by an intimate partner, with the most common occurrence of domestic violence victimization found in women between the ages of 18 and 24.

Effects of Abuse

Abuse can have a variety of effects on the victim, children in the home, and on the community. Long-term effects of abuse on the victim differ from one person to another and may include flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, trouble sleeping, broken bones, head trauma, low self-esteem, eating disorders, depression, suicide ideation, and chronic pain.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, a woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds in the United States.

Children who are exposed to domestic violence also respond in different ways and may show symptoms that vary by age. Infants may be easily irritated, difficult to soothe, and exhibit continuous fussiness or crying. Toddlers may use profanity, have frequent nightmares, show meanness toward others, or seem to not know how to play. Some children may bully other children, earn low grades, be unable to complete homework or other tasks, show an inability to follow directions, or even show regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking or bed-wetting.

Teens who witness or experience violence in the home may show aggressive or violent behavior toward others, develop depression or anxiety, isolate, or engage in self-destructive behavior. They may also engage in obsessive-compulsive behaviors or appear to be overachieving and perfectionistic.

Domestic violence also impacts the community as a public health problem. It reduces productivity in the workplace. Many victims miss work because of abuse-related injuries or because of fear that the person abusing them will know where to find them. Victimization is also associated with costs for hospital care, emergency room visits, physician care, dental care, ambulance transport, physical therapy, and mental health care. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that the total health care cost associated with domestic violence each year is nearly $4.1 billion.

Why Victims Stay

A recent online campaign known as #WhyIStayed became popular among domestic violence survivors following a widely publicized incident involving then-NFL player Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancée (now wife) unconscious in an elevator. Instead of focusing on why someone would hit a partner, many in the media and on the Internet asked, “Why would she stay with someone who abuses her?” Survivors took to social media to share their stories about what kept them in abusive relationships.

People may have many reasons for staying with an abusive partner, including:

The moment a survivor decides to leave an abusive partner is often the most dangerous point. By deciding to leave, survivors are essentially making an effort to remove themselves from the control of their partners. When the abusive person recognizes that his or her partner is trying to leave, he or she may behave in dangerous ways to maintain their control, such as threatening suicide or by displaying or using weapons.

Safety Planning and Seeking Help

Whether a person decides to leave or stay with an abusive person, precautions can be taken to minimize risk and maximize safety. Packing an emergency bag with important items can help if someone needs to get away from an abusive situation quickly. The bag should be kept with a trusted person, such as a close friend or relative, and should include copies of important documents such as protection orders, bank account information, cash, extra keys, medication, and copies of birth certificates. If you’re not in an abusive situation but suspect someone you know is, you may offer to keep an emergency bag ready for when the timing is safe and without the abusive person present.

Domestic violence often involves isolating victims from friends and family, so seeking support can be difficult. When the timing is right, seek out, or help someone seek out, assistance from local domestic violence agencies or access other help, such as counseling or legal aid. Agency workers and providers can offer options, help you explore choices, create a safety plan, and help survivors feel a sense of connection by providing support.

References:

  1. Liptak, J. J., & Leutenberg, E. A. (2009). The domestic violence survival workbook: Self-assessments, exercises & educational handouts. Duluth, MN. Whole Person Associates.
  2. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from http://www.ncadv.org

tired mother with childIf you are a mother, you have probably experienced at least one day (if not many) when you wondered if you were cut out for the job of parenting. Mothering is hard work. Even on our best days parenting our kids, there are difficult moments. Many days, it is the occasional joyful moment that makes it all worthwhile. Other times, it may not feel like the good justifies the bad.

You can find some blogs these days that describe parenthood more authentically and accurately than in the past, including the good, the bad, and the ugly. Moms are increasingly owning up to the fact being a mom is tough and sometimes thankless. But almost universally, these stories end with a phrase such as “It’s all worth it,” “I still wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything,” or even, “Being a mother is the best job in the world.”

But what if your experience of motherhood doesn’t include that last sentence? What if your true feeling is that, while you love your child/children, motherhood itself is not what you thought it would be and you just don’t enjoy it much?

For some mothers, these feelings arise out of depression, and once the depression lifts, joy enters into the parenting experience and all regrets about becoming a mom dissipate. But for others, even after recovery from depression, and despite loving their child and enjoying many moments with them, the bottom line is that motherhood is not a job they enjoy overall or would choose again.

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If it were any other job, it would be acceptable to acknowledge that it’s hard and maybe you’re not totally suited to it, but when you’re talking about motherhood, admitting you don’t love it is a huge taboo.

A recent study published in the journal Demography found that, on average, happiness decreased more in the two years following becoming a parent than following a job loss, divorce, or even the death of a spouse. Clearly, not every mother is happy with her new life, and yet those feelings are typically buried, not talked about, and the women who feel that way often experience shame and guilt.

So few mothers admit to having these feelings, but that doesn’t make them go away. Parenting is difficult, and of course it makes sense that not everyone is equally suited to it temperamentally. But the stigma of admitting that one doesn’t really enjoy being a parent is enormous, and the necessity of hiding those feelings can be a huge burden—which in itself is a contributor to depression and anxiety.

Acknowledging our ambivalence—the fact not every moment, nor even every stage, of motherhood is fun—allows mothers to accept themselves for who they are and what they feel, and be freer to find ways to make motherhood more authentically enjoyable.

There are those who would point out that enabling women to acknowledge their negative feelings about motherhood might adversely impact our children. How can our children feel loved and wanted if they knew the way Mom really feels about her job? But I would argue the opposite: By stuffing those negative feelings, by shaming mothers for their normal responses, normal emotions are more likely to be acted out in negative ways.

Acknowledging our ambivalence—the fact not every moment, nor even every stage, of motherhood is fun—allows mothers to accept themselves for who they are and what they feel, and be freer to find ways to make motherhood more authentically enjoyable. Being honest within ourselves and accepting all our feelings gives us permission to do motherhood differently—and perhaps allow more acceptance in our children of their own inevitable negative feelings as well.

Don’t look to social media for validation of your motherhood experience. Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides. If you don’t feel heard, understood, and validated by your partner, friends, or family, therapy can be an outlet to explore and accept your complicated and ever-changing emotions regarding parenthood and life.

Reference:

Myrskyla, M., & Margolis, R. (2014). Happiness: Before and after the kids. Demography, 1843-1866.

group therapyI was at a party chatting with a stranger when he asked me what sort of work I do. I told him I am a marriage and family therapist who specializes in group therapy. “Group therapy!” he said. “I thought that went away after the ’60s.”

I’m happy to report that group therapy did not, in fact, go away in the 1960s. However, many people, like the guy at the party, don’t realize that group therapy exists as a powerful therapeutic option to consider instead of, or in addition to, individual therapy.

People may dismiss group therapy because it’s a therapeutic approach more often utilized in hospitals and treatment centers than in private practices. It can be difficult to find private practice therapists who run groups. Sometimes, it requires a lot of research and phone calls to find a group. However, plenty of therapists do run groups in their private practices, and this unique experience is worth the effort it might take to find it.

So, what’s so special about group therapy?

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No, group therapy is not dead. All around the country, people are gathering in groups to be more truthful, more engaged in relationships, and more open to insight than they are the rest of the time. Group therapy is very much alive! Are you ready to give it a try?

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.