So often when I ask people in my therapy office (mostly children and teens) to brainstorm strategies for coping with certain difficult situations, the initial answer I get is something along the lines of “I need to toughen up,” “I need to just deal with it,” or “I’ve got to be a man.” The difficult situation itself could be a disagreement with a sibling, a problem with a peer, or an uncomfortable issue with a teacher at school.

Children pick up these quick-fix mantras from a variety of places—television, school, peers, and parents among them. When a child gets emotional, often the quick, easy fix is to say, “toughen up,” especially when whatever caused the child to be upset seems minor. The message is clear: Let’s move on, kid, because we’ve got things to do and worrying about this doesn’t fit into my schedule.

Is there anything wrong with that? What, if any, damage is done when a child is told to “toughen up”? Let’s break down the ripple effect this type of response has on a child’s psyche over time.

• Five minutes later: The child feels minimized. The situation that caused the initial reaction has been left unresolved. The child may be thinking he or she is dumb or weak for bringing up the situation in the first place. He or she may also resent the person who instructed the child to “just deal with it” because that person doesn’t seem to care. [fat_widget_right]
• Five months later: The child hesitates to mention a problem when it occurs, fearing the reprimand of not being “tough enough.” This teaches the child to “stuff” emotions instead of verbalizing them and learning to process them. Acting out may increase as the uncomfortable emotions aren’t dealt with promptly. For their part, the adults in the child’s life may not understand what is causing the unwelcome behaviors. If an adult attempts to discuss the child’s emotions, the child may resist and have increasing difficulty sharing those emotions because he or she has been taught to ignore them.
• Five years later: The child—perhaps now a teenager or young adult—has a difficult time empathizing with others about their emotions because he or she expects others to “toughen up” or “deal with it” when something doesn’t go their way. The child may be more likely to perpetuate the belief that many emotionally difficult situations should be ignored.

The biggest problem with telling a child to toughen up is that it undermines true resilience, which is learned by experiencing adversity or uncomfortable feelings, processing why they occur, and learning new and more positive ways to reframe those situations.

There is, of course, something to be said for “letting go” of certain minor situations that are upsetting. However, that needs to come from within the child and not from the belief that getting upset by something means there is something wrong with him or her.

Why ‘Being a Man’ Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Finally, a note about boys who think they need to “be a man” when something doesn’t go their way: The children I see in my practice who use phrases such as this are, in my experience, more likely to be aggressive in the responses they give others.

Aside from what it suggests about being a woman, the phrase “be a man” has a sense of machismo associated with it that indicates a need to be strong and aggressive. In today’s world, acting on this impulse (at school, for example) may lead to discipline problems and resolves few. It perpetuates stereotypes many boys may not feel they fill as adults and reduces the likelihood they will seek help for emotional or mental health concerns because “being a man” means ignoring those feelings.

Many couples experience a surge in sexual excitement and activity when they begin to try for a baby. They may be suddenly free from hormonal birth control methods or the barrier sensation of condoms and often feel they have a closer and more intimate connection than before.

However, after a short time, if a baby has not been conceived, this heightened sense of intimacy and sexual excitement may fade. What typically replaces it is a sense of monotony and routine—sex by schedule, goal-oriented sex, sex under pressure—as well as anxiety, grief, and loss and lowered self-esteem. The emotional ups and downs can be hard for people to endure time and time again. Hope is erased by the first sight of your period, and then sadness and grief take over.

Sometimes, partners experience guilt on top of all these other emotions. Is it my fault we are not getting pregnant? Is it his fault we are not getting pregnant? Are we doing it wrong? Could we have done something differently? Is it because I did X, Y, or Z? Many people also feel guilty that they want sex only in order to conceive. What’s wrong with me that I don’t desire my partner sexually except to make a baby?

This can be an extremely difficult time for couples. They often feel alone, especially when they see “baby bumps” and strollers everywhere they go. The pressure to conceive often colors the mood and trajectory of the sexual relationship.

Here are some recommendations that may help you continue to enjoy sex while going through the process of trying to conceive:

1. Even if sex is planned or scheduled, don’t forget the foreplay, take your time to turn-on both you and your partner. Sex doesn’t have to be rushed just because you “have” to do it. Try setting a timer for 30 or 45 minutes and don’t begin intercourse until that timer goes off. This may help you focus on becoming aroused, touching each other, and enjoying one another. Take time for sexual arousal to set in explore your partner’s body and pay attention to all of your partner’s erogenous zones for a better sex experience.
2. Focus on pleasure and the female orgasm. Many women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex alone and require clitoral stimulation. This is nothing to be ashamed of and most of the time can even highlight both partners’ sexual experiences. Though many assume the male ejaculation is all that’s really needed to create a baby, there are a lot of benefits to focusing on pleasure and even female orgasm. In one study, researchers R. Robin Baker and Mark Bellis found that female orgasms that happened between one minute before the male ejaculated up to 45 minutes afterward led to higher levels of sperm retention. Furthermore, getting into the habit of having sex only for procreation may bring about reduced interest in sex on the part of both parties. Once a couple gets into the habit of having sex as a matter of routine and without much arousal, it can be hard to get out of that habit.
3. Try something different. Many couples get in sexual ruts from time to time. Consider changing the environment. Even having sex in the shower, in another room, or adding some new lingerie or candles can enhance the experience and make it feel less routine. Consider adding sex toys such as a vibrator to enhance her sexual pleasure. Consider starting with a different sex position than you normally would new positions can take good sex, to great sex. Other ways you can make your sex life feel less routine are adding lube, roleplay, and even oral sex can help reawaken your partners sex drive.
4. Remember it can take time. It’s important to know that, for many couples, it can take several months to a year or more to conceive. Try not to get discouraged, exercise self-compassion, and give yourself the benefit of patience.
5. Talk to your partner about your experience and listen to your partner’s experience. Grieve together. Share feelings. Remember people experience loss differently. Although your partner may not cry in front of you, it does not mean he or she does not feel sadness. Share your feelings, but don’t expect your partner to feel the exact same way you do. Listen and be compassionate. Relating on this shared experience grows emotional intimacy, which will help you have greater sexual intimacy as well.
6. Consider taking a break from “trying.” Take a break from scheduled ovulation times and just have sex when the mood arises. Not only might this kindlesexual desire, it may relieve some of the pressure and anxiety you both feel.
7. Talk to someone in your support system outside of your partner. Be selective about who you talk to because some people may not be as helpful as you may like. Some people may give you all sorts of unwanted tips and “old wives’ tales” about what they heard will help you get pregnant. Some may be overly intrusive. Select a few trusted people to talk to, such as close friends, family members, or a therapist, who can help meet some of your emotional needs. Remember that your partner is also going through this difficult time and may not be able to fully support you the way you need because he or she is going through his or her own process as well.
8. Schedule date nights or other fun activities you enjoy outside the bedroom. Having more fun together may remind you that you’re not just “partners”—you really like and love each other. Those positive feelings may carry over into sexual activities. Be sure to take the time to cuddle and embrace each other afterward.

If you’re having difficulty conceiving, you are not alone. Reach out to your support system, get the medical attention and therapeutic support you need, and focus on what you love about your partner. Sustain emotional intimacy and focus on the pleasure of being together by not rushing to the male ejaculation. Extend foreplay and remember that just because sex may be scheduled does not mean you cannot also experience pleasure and even orgasm.

Reference:

Baker, M. M., & Bellis, M. (1993). Human Sperm Competition: Late Manipulation by Females and a Function for the Female Orgasm. Animal Behavior, Vol. 46, 887-909.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C

We’ve all had moments where we felt completely spaced out. What is normal, and when do instances of mental escape become a cause for concern? Dissociation, or the feeling of being disconnected or separated from oneself, is a common experience, especially as a means for coping with or escaping from stressful situations.

I like to explain dissociation on a continuum. At one end there is “normal” dissociation, the kind we all do at times. A popular example to describe simple and typical dissociation is driving your car on autopilot and not really paying attention to the road ahead, yet managing to safely make it to your destination. Another example is when you are completely absorbed in a movie until the person next to you reaches for the popcorn and your awareness snaps back to the present moment. These moments of “escape” happen occasionally and are a normal part of the human experience.

A little further down the spectrum is the type of dissociation used as a defense mechanism to cope with stressful situations or feelings of being completely overwhelmed. People will sometimes describe themselves as detached, “out of it,” or even as if they are watching themselves from an out-of-body perspective.

At the other end of the spectrum is a mental health diagnosis called dissociative identity disorder (DID). Previously known as multiple personality disorder, this condition involves dissociation so extensive that it results in a complete split, or compartmentalization, of memories and experiences that ultimately become separate and distinct personalities. Different personalities are often referred to as “alters,” while the main identity is typically called the “host” personality. Together, the various personalities make up a system that initially served to help an individual cope with experiences of extreme and repeated trauma, often including severe sexual or physical abuse at a young age.

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‘Alters’ and Dissociative Identity

DID is often difficult to comprehend, and the multiple personalities within a person with this diagnosis are sometimes hard to recognize or believe until a personality shift is witnessed within the person. Each personality serves some type of purpose for the host person. For example, one alter may be the “playful one,” while another is the “protector” or “helper.” Each alter has his or her own interpretation of events and, often, only certain alters will remember the details of the trauma that occurred.

Different alters typically have their own names and distinct traits. They may speak in different accents and tones, display different mannerisms and body postures, and dress differently from one another. They each have their own idea of how they look, and sometimes it’s vastly different from the host person’s actual appearance.

A person with DID often has alters of different genders than the host person’s true gender, and they may have personalities who are “stuck” at younger ages than the host personality’s actual age. For example, an adult experiencing DID might have an alter personality who is 5 years old and is interested in coloring or playing with dolls. Each alter may have a unique set of talents and hobbies, and some may even speak different languages.

DID After Surviving Trauma

While DID is initially a coping mechanism the brain employs to allow a person to survive extreme trauma, it can lead to difficulties as the host person grows up and tries to interact in a world where this level of dissociation is not widely understood. Individuals with DID are often misperceived and sometimes called liars because the stories or actions of different alters don’t add up.

Although the trauma may have ended, the barriers in the mind remain and can lead to confusion for the individual, who may also experience co-occurring symptoms of depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress. Sometimes, certain alters may develop self-destructive patterns, such as drinking excessively, behaving recklessly, and engaging in actions to sabotage the host personality’s efforts to stay healthy. Some alters may have suicidal thoughts or attempts.

A person experiencing DID who ends up in the hospital may often be misdiagnosed since hospital staff may only see a snapshot of the system and issues. Incorrect diagnoses often include major depressive episode, bipolar, substance abuse, and schizophrenia.

The following indicators are often displayed by individuals who experience DID:

• Gaps when recalling daily events
• Repeated mentions of losing time or blacking out
• Wearing clothing they don’t remember purchasing
• Finding themselves somewhere with no knowledge of how they got there
• Finding notes or drawings they don’t remember creating
• Not remembering conversations, events, or experiences with others

How Dissociative Identity Disorder Is Treated

Treatment for DID involves long-term, consistent therapy to break down the “walls” in the mind. This involves gaining an understanding of each alter and processing their various experiences, including those that involve the original trauma. Consistent treatment can sometimes be difficult because certain alters may be resistant or skeptical Some people with DID fear the loss that may occur from “curing” them of their personalities. Rather than getting rid of each personality, the goal is to assimilate the positive and functional aspects of each alter in a way that helps the person feel more balanced and less chaotic.of help. Also, dealing with arising crises within individual personalities may delay the course of trauma treatment. A good rapport between the person in therapy and therapist is essential.

The goal of treatment is often referred to as “integration,” which involves bringing together the fragmented and compartmentalized parts of the person’s memory. Some people with DID fear the loss that may occur from “curing” them of their personalities. Rather than getting rid of each personality, the goal is to assimilate the positive and functional aspects of each alter in a way that helps the person feel more balanced and less chaotic.

While DID can be a complicated and frustrating condition for individuals who live with it, it is important to remember that dissociation is a natural mechanism of the brain and can work as an extraordinary process for ultimately surviving horrific experiences.

Most of us take care of others at some point, sometimes putting their needs first or focusing on helping them out of tight situations. In the 1930s, the term “codependent” was introduced to describe the partner of someone who is addicted to alcohol. What constitutes codependency was later broadened to include a wide spectrum of behaviors, from substance use to compulsive gambling to sex addiction. Codependency also expanded to include relationships in which the other person’s needs are always put first, often to the complete exclusion of a person’s own needs. It may be believed that if this is done, self-sacrifice will be recognized, reciprocated, and rewarded by the other person.

In the following fairy tale, titled “The Wife Who Refused to Bury Her Husband,” consider how codependency often plays out:

There was once a woman who loved her husband very much. Her husband became ill, and after a long time he died. The woman didn’t know how she would carry on without him, and the thought of putting him into the cold ground, casting dirt down on top of him, and leaving him all alone in the graveyard seemed unbearable to her.

So she didn’t bury him. Instead, she kept him in their bed, where he had died. She continued to take care of him, bringing him bowls of good, warm broth (for which, of course, he never thanked her), and spending what little money she had on medicine for him (which he never took), and putting bandages on him (which did no good at all). Every night, she slept next to him.

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As you can imagine, the situation became challenging. Insects and other vermin came into the bed where the woman slept each night. As nature took its course, which nature will do, her own health was put at risk. Sometimes as she lay there, trying to sleep, she wept bitterly because it seemed her husband didn’t appreciate anything she did for him. But then she would rally herself: “I just need to take better care of him, that’s all. And besides, I couldn’t live without him.”

The tale opens with the woman’s husband having just died after a long illness. He’s no longer present in the relationship. People we love may become increasingly unavailable when practicing an addiction. Untreated, addictions also tend to get worse over time. William G. McCown and William A. Howatt, in Treating Gambling Problems, describe the phenomenon of “motivational toxicity,” which is the decreasing ability to be motivated by anything other than the addictive experience.

There’s another sense in which a partner or loved one can seem to be “dead.” One aspect of codependency is to always put the other person’s needs foremost and to expect that person to take care of our needs without having to mention them. When this doesn’t happen, people may perceive the other as ungrateful and unresponsive. Another aspect of codependency is the desire to manage and manipulate others. In this sense, one person becomes an object of another person’s management. Rather than experiencing that person as a subject, the way you might experience your own existence in the world, that person experiences the other as something to be controlled and arranged to best protect a sense of safety.

In the fairy tale, the woman is unwilling to bury her husband even though he’s dead. The idea of consigning him “into the cold ground” is unbearable to her.

Being buried is a natural consequence of having died, and so the woman is trying to protect her husband from this consequence. She appears to be confusing her own responses for his. The husband shows no fear or reaction to hot or cold, to loneliness, or company. Sometimes in addiction, nothing impacts the person who is addicted until that person bottoms out—in other words, the addiction no longer protects the person who is addicted from any painful feelings. Hitting bottom is how many people enter recovery.

Sometimes people with codependent patterns of behavior believe that the other person can’t live without them. In a domestic violence situation where an individual isn’t yet ready to exit, he or she might find grounds for staying with the idea: “I’m the only one who can really understand and help my partner.” This person might think he or she is a partner’s or loved one’s last and only chance for living a good life, or even staying alive. Paradoxically, this seems to make an individual feel very important, essential, almost as if the other person carries him or her as the reason for living.

The woman in the fairy tale cooks her husband nourishing meals and uses her money to buy him medicine and put bandages on him. Jennifer Sowle, in The Everything Guide to Codependency, notes, “If you are codependent, you are not powered from within; your quest for power is through controlling others.” We observe this in the woman in the fairy tale as she attempts to do just that. She tries to control something over which she has no control—trying to make her husband “get better,” although he’s in a state she can’t affect.

This may be reminiscent of some of the arrangements a person experiencing codependency might try to make, at great cost. Sometimes these arrangements are financial—bailing someone out of jail, paying a person’s debts, or providing someone with another stint in detox. Often, it’s in the form of energy someone expends and the wear and tear on his or her heart as the other person says they’ve changed and this was the last time they will strike him or her, or have an affair, or go out on a bender. But the promises an addicted loved one makes aren’t always reliable indicators of change. In the story, the husband is dead. Therefore, he’ll continue as he’s going, and the deterioration will continue as well.

As the woman keeps her dead husband in their bed, in the natural order of things, he begins to decompose. This places her at risk. Addiction often brings chaos, and things can fall apart. Consequences can include legal issues, or What could the woman in the fairy tale or anyone do in order to implement boundaries? She might begin by identifying the needs she has in her relationship and assess whether those needs are being met. She might take a moment to reflect on who she is apart from the relationship—what does she like, dislike, believe in, or do for enjoyment? having people present in the home and in a person’s life who aren’t wanted, from social workers to pushers to other people who are addicted to creditors of past-due debts. These natural consequences will affect the partner who is codependent or family members, as well as the person who is addicted. If the woman was going to do something effective, what would it be? Would it be to focus on her husband, trying to get him to respond and change, or would it be to focus on her own behaviors?

“And besides, I couldn’t live without him,” the wife says, which brings us to the heart of the matter. In Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap, Janae B. Weinhold and Barry K. Weinhold note, “You started out as a helpless infant who could not survive without the care of your parents.” As infants, people depend on their caregivers absolutely. It’s quite possible to love and cherish others, to love life in general, and to value your own life, but for those who experience codependency, the idea may be that their life somehow depends on their partner or loved one’s life, and that their partner or loved one’s life should therefore be responsive to their control, which indicates a confusion of boundaries.

What could the woman in the fairy tale or anyone do in order to implement boundaries? She might begin by identifying the needs she has in her relationship and assess whether those needs are being met. She might take a moment to reflect on who she is apart from the relationship—what does she like, dislike, believe in, or do for enjoyment? She might notice that her husband’s condition is just that—his—and that if she continues trying to rescue him from it, she’s depriving him of the chance to learn from his own life (or death, here).

As she becomes more aware of her own needs, she might notice what she doesn’t want around her. She might say to her husband, “If you’re not going to eat the soup I make for you, then I’m not going to make soup for you,” or, “If you’re going to be in our bed, you may not bring insects and vermin in. If you do, then you’re no longer welcome in our bed.” By setting these boundaries and enforcing the consequences, she may come to a place where she can assess whether she wants to continue with her husband the way things are, or whether she wants to implement change in the relationship.

Meanwhile, the hope is that the woman will begin her own inner work, wake up some morning soon, and realize what she’s in bed with.

We can’t do much about anyone’s addiction because it’s not ours to do anything with. Finally, recovery is a choice for the person who is addicted. It’s a choice that may not be selected, but we can choose a path for ourselves. We can choose to bury the past, mourn for what’s lost, and move on.

If you tend to isolate from others, you may notice it’s a double-edged sword: isolating can provide needed relief from anxiety (and other strong feelings), yet it can cause you to feel depressed, down about yourself, and reinforce the belief that you cannot handle life. It is an avoidance strategy and, like all such strategies, could create more problems than solutions over time.

I’d like to briefly explore isolation and its function, origination, and costs as a way to help people transition from habitual responses to their feelings to more dynamic responses.

What Constitutes Isolation?

Isolation can take many forms. You might isolate by being alone in your home and avoiding social contact. You might isolate by looking at your phone obsessively, watching television excessively, or overworking. You might isolate in relationships by fantasizing about other people. These are, of course, just a few ways.

Isolation is not necessarily a strictly physical act; it’s also a mental one. It is a state of mind in which you protect yourself from the uncomfortable feelings inside of you. Sigmund Freud described isolation as a mental process that creates a gap between unpleasant thoughts/feelings and other thoughts/feelings. As a result of this process, you may be more likely to be drawn to physical forms of isolation as well (staying home alone, for example).

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What Function Does Isolation Serve?

If you isolate, you may have a visceral response to the question above. Isolation may feel comfortable, a relief from the “craziness” of life, a reprieve from the judgment of others, a break from anxious thoughts.

It also might be a place where you feel more enlivened. Depending on what thoughts and feelings you are beset by, isolation can provide a sort of respite.

Where Does an Isolating Strategy Originate?

Isolation is a strategy you likely developed early in life to cope with emotional challenges you experienced in your family and the intense feelings those challenges evoked. A child’s inherent temperament and family conditions play a role.

If you tend to isolate, it is possible that your temperament is such that you emotionally pull back naturally when you feel anxious, fearful, or even angry. You may have withdrawn from your family as a child if you didn’t get essential emotional needs met: you likely felt unsafe, misunderstood, or ignored. Either way, isolating was your way to protect yourself from the pain (and rage) associated with those unmet needs.

Isolation is not necessarily a strictly physical act; it’s also a mental one. It is a state of mind in which you protect yourself from the uncomfortable feelings inside of you.

What Does It Take to Recover from Isolation?

Recovery from isolation takes time. There are strong, deeply held forces pulling toward isolation when you feel the feelings (anxiety, rage, fear, grief, etc.) that seemed intolerable as a child. Because isolation is a strategy that occurred in the context of relationship (to your parents), the safety, continuity, and framework provided by psychotherapy or psychoanalysis may be key to recovery.

In psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, many of the obstacles to observation are removed. A therapist/analyst, trained to observe and point out the elements of isolation as it occurs in a therapy office, can also point to its effects: the way it can cause you to feel alone, suspicious, and detached from the life-giving energy of your feelings.

Over time, through the process of studying your isolation, you may begin to feel how painful of a strategy it can be. Getting in touch with this pain is essential. In doing so, you may begin to see that you can, in fact, tolerate strong or unpleasant feelings. This has a cascading effect and may empower you to choose contact more and more, until you have internalized this new way of thinking and linking thoughts and feelings. You can then take this new capacity out into the world and feel more enlivened by relationships.

Reference:

Baumeister, R. F., Dale, K., & Sommer, K. L. (1998, December 1). Freudian Defense Mechanisms and Empirical Findings in Modern Social Psychology: Reaction Formation, Projection, Displacement, Undoing, Isolation, Sublimation, and Denial. Journal of Personality 66 (6): 1081-1124.

In our fast-paced society, more and more people find it challenging to juggle unrealistic work and home life demands. We frequently have to deal with high levels of daily stress, which negatively affects our physical and mental health. Many of our most common physical ailments, such as headaches, digestive problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, and an impaired immune system, can in many cases be attributed to stress. The same is true for many of our psychological issues, including anger, irritability, depression, and anxiety.

Finding ways to lower our stress levels is therefore extremely important for our overall health. Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, and meditating on a regular basis are all factors that can contribute to a more balanced lifestyle. When these self-care techniques fail to help us to feel better, seeking help from a third party may be beneficial.

Some of the signs that might indicate counseling could be helpful in your situation include the following:

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1. Feeling sad and unmotivated. If you have had feelings of hopelessness, decreased energy, sadness, irritability, thoughts of suicide, feel overwhelmed and unable to cope, or are no longer finding pleasure in activities you used to enjoy, you may be dealing with depression and may benefit from talking to a professional.
2. Excessive worry. If you feel as though your anxiety is interfering with your ability to do normal activities and/or you are unable to sleep at night due to ongoing rumination about your difficulties, you may want to consider seeking help.
3. Trauma or abuse. If you have experienced any type of traumatic event or abusive relationship, coming to terms with your experience by talking to an empathic other can be extremely helpful. Trauma and abuse can leave long-term scars that, if left untreated, can negatively impact your life, relationships, and ability to experience joy or happiness.
4. Relationship problems. If your relationship has become unfulfilling and you feel you are no longer able to communicate effectively with your significant other, seeking out couples counseling can be a helpful step in getting your relationship back on track.
5. Difficult life transitions. We all face difficult life situations at times–the loss of a job, a move to a new city, a divorce, or the loss of a loved one. When difficulties such as these arise and you find it difficult to move on, talking with a counselor can be an effective way to process your feelings and work through any lingering grief.
6. Addictions. If you are struggling with any type of addiction—substance abuse, an eating disorder, gambling, or sex addiction—this could be a sign you are trying to cope with unresolved issues or feelings in unhealthy and inappropriate ways and may obtain benefit from professional help.
7. Obsessive or compulsive behaviors. If you are spending too much time double checking to make sure you have turned off the stove, obsessively washing your hands, or are consumed by compulsive thoughts, receiving counseling could be extremely beneficial in getting your life in order.
8. Children excessively acting out. If your child or children have been misbehaving and you are at your wit’s end trying to figure out what to do, talking with a professional who has experience with children’s issues can be helpful. A counselor or therapist can frequently provide you with some additional parenting tools to make your life easier.

In addition to helping with the issues above and others, obtaining professional help may provide you with more insight and awareness. Although it can sometimes feel scary to take the first step to reach out, reducing your symptoms and learning to cope in healthier ways can make doing so more than worthwhile.

I want to be loved. I want to be fit. I want to have a job I’m proud of. We all have hopes and dreams, but sometimes we take too little action to make them come true.

What is it that gets in the way of taking the actions necessary to fulfill our dreams? How do unfulfilled dreams and a lack of action affect a person’s experience of life?

The pursuit of a goal can give your life purpose, energy, hope, and excitement, but it can also bring anxiety, insecurity, and overwhelm. Sometimes, simply acknowledging what you want can arouse feelings of longing and despair. Some choose to avoid those uncomfortable feelings by disengaging from their pursuit. Avoidance might resolve the discomfort in the short term, but in the long term, refusing to participate in your pursuit of happiness, and facing the mixed bag of feelings that come with that pursuit, can leave a person feeling stuck, depressed, or empty.

It would be wonderful to have all of the energy and excitement of the chase without the fear and self-doubt. The more you want something, the more it matters to you, the less likely you will be relaxed about it.

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There are many reasons a person may become afraid to do something they want or need to do. Here’s a short list:

• If a person is attempting something they’ve never done before, they might fear the unknown. Will they like it or will they hate it? The real problem underlying this fear may be that the person doesn’t believe they can survive hating something, even briefly, or believes they’ll be stuck in this hateful experience forever. In most circumstances, this fear is irrational.
• If a person is a perfectionist, they may not be able to tolerate the discomfort that comes along with learning something new. The only way to learn is through trial and error–by being able to make mistakes. This can be challenging for perfectionists.
• A person can put too many limitations on identity. “I was bad at sports in high school, so I can’t join the office softball team now.” It can be comforting to think you know everything about yourself, but it’s also limiting. It can stop a person from expanding who they are and what they’re capable of.
• Because a person has failed at something before, they’re afraid to fail again. It’s not the failing that’s the problem; it’s how a person feels about failing. If failing led to self-loathing and depression at some point, of course a person won’t want to feel that way again. However, inactivity and stagnation may end up leading a person to those same feelings. If a person came to see failure as a learning experience that can lead to success, they might be less afraid to try.
• For some people, fear doesn’t arise from the actions they need to take, but from the judgment or ridicule of others. In some critical and unsupportive social environments, any attempts to improve oneself may be met with hostility, including attempts to recover from addiction or return to a healthy body weight.
• People who lack self-soothing skills, such as encouragement, forgiveness, acceptance, and self-care, generally have a more difficult time recovering from disappointment than those who have those skills. It is important to learn the skills to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” —Norman Vincent Peale

Research on mindfulness shows that it can be beneficial for improving a person’s attention, mood, pain tolerance, and immune function. It can also be used to reduce stress and increase a person’s cognitive functioning. Therapists use it to treat depression, anxiety, drug addiction, and a vast number of other mental health issues. Recently, the practice, rooted in some of the principles of Buddhism, has found an unlikely advocate in the Department of Defense (DoD), which has also started using mindfulness to help soldiers prepare for and return from combat.

Its use in the military is considered somewhat controversial by some, as traditional mindfulness practices are often associated with an opposition to conflict and the promotion of peace.

“Mindfulness can be used as a tool to manage attention, regulate affect, and monitor cognition,” mindfulness practitioner Andrew Archer, LCSW said. “I imagine this form of grounding and centering could prepare people for extremely charged, chaotic environments. However, mindfulness has been best practiced with the act of conscientious objection to war.”

Why Is Mindfulness Taught in the Military?

[fat_widget_right]Proponents of mindfulness training for the military explain that although war is not ideal, it remains a reality for society today. If soldiers must participate in war, they should receive training that will not only help prepare them for combat, but also help them manage the stress and trauma associated with it.

For the military to be successful, soldiers must be able to absorb a large amount of information at once and be able to make quick decisions without succumbing to overwhelm or stress. For this reason, mindfulness-based training programs are being introduced in the military, one of the most visible being Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training (MMFT).

MMFT is a 20-hour course designed to increase resilience to stress for those working in high-stress environments. The program is based on the principle of mental fitness. Mentally fit, according to the program, is defined as being efficient in four capacities:

• Attention
• Mental agility
• Situational awareness
• Emotional awareness

Mindfulness training teaches these important skills that not only help soldiers on the battlefield, but also help ease their return home.

Mindfulness Before Combat

The period before a combat deployment for many in the military is highly demanding both mentally and physically. Not only are service members intensively training for their upcoming mission, but they’re also psychologically preparing to leave their families behind and enter into a dangerous environment.

The University of Miami conducted a mindfulness study of 75 soldiers stationed in Hawaii awaiting deployment to Afghanistan. The results of the study indicated that just 8 hours of mindfulness training during an 8-week period helped improve the soldiers’ attention span and prevented their minds from wandering when subjected to tests that measured those factors. The University of Miami study suggests even brief mindfulness training programs may help improve the cognitive functioning of deploying military personnel.

The University of California, San Diego School of Medicine and Naval Health Research Center published a study in May 2014 in the American Journal of Psychiatry that explored whether integrating mindfulness practices to increase mind and body awareness into pre-deployment training could help reduce the occurrence of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, and anxiety in returning soldiers.

During this study, pre-combat Marine infantrymen learned various mindfulness meditation techniques, including interoception, which is the ability to help the body regulate and sustain its homeostasis by cultivating awareness of bodily sensations such as heart rate, stomach tightening, and skin tingling. The Marines then underwent a mock combat scenario with a highly realistic ambush in a scene designed to resemble one they might encounter in the Middle East. The study examined the Marines’ heart and breathing rates and compared the results of those who received mindfulness training to a group that did not. The group that received mindfulness training returned to baseline sooner than those who hadn’t.

Mindfulness After Combat

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) estimates about 1 in 5 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans return experiencing PTSD. With such a high rate of occurrence, it is important that soldiers have access to effective treatment options. Although medication is still highly prescribed, it may not be effective for treating all the emotional and cognitive aspects of PTSD. Mindfulness training, according to the VA’s National Center for PTSD, The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) estimates that about 1 in 5 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans return experiencing PTSD. With such a high rate of occurrence, it is important that soldiers have access to effective treatment options. Although medication is still highly prescribed, it may not be effective for treating all the emotional and cognitive aspects of PTSD.however, has been proven to help those experiencing PTSD cope with anxiety and hyperarousal—two conditions commonly reported by returning veterans. Additionally, the National Center for PTSD says mindfulness can be useful either as a complementary or stand-alone treatment.

Virtual mindfulness training programs have also been used to help teach veterans mindfulness practices as well as connect them to a larger veteran community, all in the comfort of their own homes. Coming Home, a project developed by the University of Southern California’s Institute for Creative Technologies and sponsored by the U.S. Army’s Research, Development, and Engineering Command, is a post-deployment transitional support program offered virtually to veterans who are reintegrating into civilian life. Through this program, veterans learn the principles of mindfulness-based stress reduction using an avatar character in the 3D virtual world of Second Life. The program not only helps veterans learn mindfulness and reduce stress, but it also provides a social component, which may be especially valuable for veterans living in areas where they may not have access to services or a larger veteran community locally.

Research continues to reveal benefits mindfulness training provides for soldiers both before and after combat. These benefits in some cases have the potential to be life-saving, both from improved situational awareness and stress resilience during battle and from decreasing the intensity and occurrence of posttraumatic stress symptoms, which are often linked to a high rate of veteran suicides.

References:

1. Gregoire, C. (2015, February 18). Mindfulness training improves resilience of active duty soldiers. Huffington Post. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/18/mindfulness-military-_n_6704804.html
2. Minds at Attention: Military and Mindfulness. (2015, February 12). University of Miami: College of Arts and Sciences. Retrieved from: http://www.as.miami.edu/news/news-archive/minds-at-attention-military-and-mindfulness.html
3. PTSD: National Center for PTSD. (n.d.). Mental Health Effects of Servicing in Afghanistan and Iraq. Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/reintegration/overview-mental-health-effects.asp
4. Stanley, E.A. & Schaldach, J.M. (2011 January). Mindfulness-based mind fitness training (MMFT). Mind Fitness Training Institute. Retrieved from: http://www.mind-fitness-training.org/MMFTOverviewNarrative.pdf
5. Teaching Veterans Virtually. (2011, April 5). Retrieved from: http://www.mindful.org/news/teaching-veterans-virtually
6. University of California, San Diego. (2014, May 16). War and Peace (of Mind): Mindfulness training for military could help them deal with stress. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140516092519.htm
7. Veterans Relearn Compassion through Meditation. (n.d.) Retrieved from: http://www.mindful.org/the-mindful-society/veterans-relearn-compassion-through-meditation

What is it that many people who struggle with individuating have in common? In many cases, it’s lacking the ability to like, admire, and value themselves. Without that capacity, they were deprived of the tools to forge identities as people with self-esteem who know what they want and how to get it.

For many of the people I work with in therapy, it is clear that their early family experiences contributed to making it difficult to say something like, “I’m a valuable human being. I like myself. I deserve admiration and recognition.” What these formative experiences tend to have in common are communications from loved ones that conveyed critical, devaluing, or untrustworthy messages that failed to provide necessary developmental cues that build self-confidence and self-esteem. In some families—in contrast to negative communication—the absence of positive communication failed to give the child the building blocks to become a person with good feelings about himself or herself.

[fat_widget_right]When I think about these childhood experiences, I remember hearing about many negative consequences that limited some people’s abilities to think well of themselves and to successfully navigate their relationships in the world. These children grew up with concerns about failure, worry about being spoiled, fear of shame and humiliation, fear of being seen as full of themselves or stupid, expectations of criticism, emotional neglect or lack of interest—sadly, the list can go on.

Some common family behaviors that interfere with positive self-feelings include:

• Parents who are critical
• Parents who are self-involved
• Lack of recognition for a child’s special talents
• Emotionally abandoning a child at a young age
• Lack of protection for a child from an abusive parent
• Disrespect toward a child
• Intrusiveness with a child
• Unrealistic praise for a child

Not every child who grows up in a family where he or she encounters these dynamics in a parent-child relationship has problems with self-confidence and self-esteem, but many struggle as adults to develop positive self-feelings that are best developed in early childhood. To illustrate the struggle to become individuated from family and learn to see oneself as valuable, I am going to briefly discuss my work with Oliver. He is a person I work with in therapy whose parents were unable to recognize his special talent of writing. In his case, their overall inability to recognize any of his fine attributes—his humor, kindness, or curiosity—were a serious detriment to positive self-experience.

Lack of Recognition for the Child’s Talents and Special Personhood

Oliver is a writer. At least, that’s how I think about him. If you ask him about himself and what he does, he will tell you, “I work for magazines and newspapers.” When Oliver came to see me, he was 29 years old and struggling to write his second novel. Three years ago, he had decided to destroy the manuscript of his first novel after it was rejected by a publisher. He vowed never to write another novel. But six months before he came to see me, he began work on a second novel. He found himself facing blank pages and unable to move forward with his work.

Oliver declared himself depressed when we first met. He was also angry with himself and his parents. In an early session, tearing up and ranting, he softly shouted, “I don’t know why I think I can write a novel. I should have listened to my parents. They never made anything of my writing. They never said it was good or bad. They discouraged me from pursuing creative writing, especially as I got older. They never read most of my work and they just kept focusing on how writers don’t make a living. Now I’m like them. I can’t seem to believe in myself. “

I asked Oliver how he managed to pursue writing with so little encouragement from his parents. He told me, “I had some teachers who really thought I was a terrific writer. Even as early as elementary school, teachers would proclaim how creative I was. I loved their praise, but it was never easy to fully believe. Still, by high school I was on the newspaper and the creative writing journal. I majored in English in college and even won awards for my writing. Even so, especially since high school, I’ve had a lot of self-doubt. I would always hand things in late because I never thought anything was good enough. When my novel was rejected, that was absolute confirmation.”

I responded, “It seems to me you don’t fully believe you can’t do it. Rather, you have some conflict about whether or not you have what it takes as a creative writer. You started another novel last year. What are your thoughts about how you were able to do that?”

“I don’t know, exactly. Even in high school I would love and hate working on the paper or journal. It was hard to believe my stuff was any good even when it got published. One day I think I have it, and the next I know I don’t and never did. When I was working as a fact-checker for a magazine last year, a friend of mine told me about a freelance opportunity to write some articles based on interviews with people in the tech industry. I decided to do it since it felt straightforward and didn’t need a lot of creativity. When I completed the assignment, I felt really good. It did seem creative, and I got good feedback. I think it gave me a high, and I started the new book. Since then I’ve crashed. Who am I kidding? I’ve been out of college for seven years now. I’m going to turn 30. Nothing is happening. Honestly, I don’t believe I’m much good at anything right now. I don’t have a permanent job, I don’t have a girlfriend, and my relationships with my family are awful. Thank goodness I have a few good friends. I can’t seem to get what I want and I don’t even know what that is.”

Oliver described his inability to believe he has the capacity to get what he wants from life. He doubts his ability to be a creative writer, and he is negative about himself and conveys no sense of valuing or liking himself. As we continued to talk, Oliver explained how his parents were short on praise and encouragement in most areas of his life. He sounded bitter as he stated, “It wasn’t only about writing. My parents were short on extolling my virtues. They weren’t really critical; they just never said anything very positive. They always commented about people having swelled heads or bragging if they said something positive about themselves. I guess I believed them and tried to be sure I kept the size of my head to a minimum.”

Oliver and I have work to do. My job will be to help Oliver recognize the ways in which these early communications affected the negative expectations he developed about himself. He needs to become aware of how the lack of admiration I believe it is important for all children to feel that their parents see them as special—certainly not all the time, but frequently enough. Being seen as special contributes to bolstering a child’s development of a positive self as he or she goes through all the challenging life experiences that raise questions about how special, valuable, or capable he or she is.and recognition from his parents—not just for his creativity, but for all his valuable qualities—interfered with his ability to see himself as a worthwhile, competent, talented man. As he increasingly recognizes the effects of his past on his present and it becomes real emotionally, Oliver will be more able to develop his self and feel as if he is not the person his parents defined, but rather a person of his own making.

It is vital for adults who struggle with negative self-feelings to be able to discover the ways in which old family dynamics sent messages both consciously and unconsciously. Parents function as mirrors for their children so they can see their reflections and learn about themselves, and it’s how children come to define and know themselves in their positive and negative aspects. When there is little positive reflected back to a child, the development of a poor self-image and low self-esteem is likely. It is extremely difficult to develop and believe in a sense of self that is contrary to the parents’ negative definitions of who a child is.

I believe it is important for all children to feel that their parents see them as special—certainly not all the time, but frequently enough. Being seen as special contributes to bolstering a child’s development of a positive self as he or she goes through all the challenging life experiences that raise questions about how special, valuable, or capable he or she is. When that is not part of a person’s childhood experience, the task as an adult becomes to learn how to provide it for oneself.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

One of the most profound injuries of divorce and the end of a marriage is the loss of a sense of place. Marriage touches on our deepest sense of belonging, and without that grounded experience of knowing we are in our rightful place, we may feel terrified and alone. The feeling of being adrift without a “due north” can trigger a sense of panic that can only be felt when you feel no earth beneath your feet.

Several years ago, when my mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she was often disoriented and lost. Never feeling solid in where she was, she would express a desire to go “home” even when she was already there. This was heartbreaking and hard to hear, but it made me aware of how our sense of place is not always about the external environment in which we live. I came to understand that feeling at home is as much an internal experience as it is a concrete manifestation of a place in time.

We all need a place in the world where we can go to feel safe. For most people, the first thing that usually comes to mind when asked where they feel the most safe is home. We associate our homes as being places of refuge, and it’s in our homes that we feel the most comfortable. This makes perfect sense, particularly since we feel the most at peace when we experience a sense of belonging and connection to where we are. Like you, perhaps, I spend a lot of time working on my home and trying to make it a place I can feel proud of and connected to. This is an important practice particularly when we’re coming off of an experience where our sense of place has been fragmented, as with divorce.

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When my marriage ended, I was both emotionally and physically displaced from what I had considered to be my home. As the years pass, I have moments of homesickness where I long for the feeling I had when I was married with an intact family life. I catch myself getting sad and longing for something other than what I have in the present moment. I have learned to name this as homesickness because it helps me to remind myself that I belong where I am now, not in a life that no longer exists.

Coping with homesickness after a divorce is an essential piece of the healing process. When we feel like we don’t belong anywhere, we’re at risk of depression and other mental health issues. Feeling connected to a place is part of our human condition, and sometimes we need to create that when we feel lost and disconnected from what we know or knew.

Here are four ways to begin healing your homesickness post-divorce:

1. Name the feeling: Homesickness manifests in many forms, and it doesn’t always present clearly. Homesickness can feel like depression, nostalgia, regret, grief, and apathy. If you think back to being homesick as a child while at camp or somewhere else away from your family, you’ll likely remember it was a very sad experience. It was clear, however, what you were missing because you had a place you were supposed to go back to eventually. With divorce there is no going back, so it’s a harder experience to identify because it doesn’t really make sense. Naming your feeling as homesickness may ease the suffering, and then you can take steps toward healing that loss in the moment.
2. Establish a sit spot: A sit spot is a place one goes to often and regularly to look, listen, feel, smell, and even taste the surrounding landscape. A sit spot creates a feeling of consistency and routine, and it trains the mind and heart to seek out a particular place for relief. Knowing you have a particular spot in your garden or near your home that you can go to when you feel homesick will offer an active step and a way to feel some relief. You can also create a sit spot inside your home if going outside feels uncomfortable. The idea is about consistency and a deep trust that this is a place you belong.
3. Make nature a second home: I have also extended my internal sense of home into the bigger landscape of nature. I have asked many people where they felt safest as a child, and the answer is often “in nature.” There is something about the trees, plants, and earth that welcomes us home and embraces us in a loving hug. This is a particularly great alternative to finding a home post-divorce when the actual structure in which you reside isn’t pleasant. Often, our homes become challenging spaces when a divorce is happening due to toxicity or bad memories. Nature provides relief and a clean space for healing and grounding into a place of belonging.
4. Create an image: Imagery is as powerful as reality because it’s what surfaces from our dreams and deep beneath our consciousness. Activating an image of home can come from drawing or painting what you see as home. It doesn’t have to be a literal representation, just an image of what you see as this place. Allow yourself the space to dream and imagine your home will trickle into your nighttime dreams and a vision of what this means will take shape. If you’re an intimidated artist, you can cut pictures out of magazines and create a collage of home.

Know that whatever path you take, you have the right to both an internal and external home. Remembering that you can go inside or outside to create this sense of belonging and place may help you through the moments when you feel adrift and alone.

As a psychotherapist who helps a lot of middle-aged men, I have learned that, as with so many pop psychology clichés, there is much more to the male “midlife crisis” than meets the eye. The problems and challenges that crop up in middle age are less about outside circumstances, which we can’t control, and more about one’s psychology and perspective. In the paragraphs that follow, we’ll discuss (1) how this so-called crisis is really an intensified version of an issue that’s always present, (2) why that is, and (3) what can be done about it.

We are familiar with the pop culture-inspired image of the middle-aged man who suddenly feels “old,” his youthfulness scarily draining away, which leads to a reckless fling or pursuit of a younger woman, often with disastrous results. Think of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty lusting after his teenage daughter’s friend; two grown men behaving like the erratic college roomies they once were in Sideways; or Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (note how well that worked out!).

Whatever your moral view, these dramatized antics often strike a chord with audiences. Why is that?

The issue isn’t so much moral as one of perception. It calls for deeper understanding of one’s own inner world, and of one’s own vulnerability.

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In middle age, many men find, perhaps for the first time, that mortality becomes real, physical, in a way that can’t be denied. But that mortality, our human vulnerability, is always present, whether we are conscious of it or not.

One of the great privileges of youth is denial of that limitation, an embrace of invincibility, a vital rebuke to the idea of aging and death. Life is finite. This implies not only our own eventual demise, which scares us, but also the demise of those closest to us (also scary). We all have to live with a ticking clock, which is both a curse and a blessing; I’ll explain why later. At a certain point, the clock can no longer be ignored.

I’m thinking of some of the men in therapy with me who are creeping up on middle age and noticing their bodies don’t quite have the same resilience; no more boxing, no more marathons. Such activities had lent an aura of invincibility that won’t be coming back. Suddenly, eight hours of sleep seems very important, and the mind isn’t quite the steel trap it used to be. Viagra and Cialis are given a look, and body parts that weren’t even on the radar begin to ache. (As I write this, my lower back is sorer than it used to be.) That ticking clock makes its presence known, in ways both subtle and obvious.

It was always there, of course, but we tend to deny it—which is not to say we ought to obsess or brood over it like Woody Allen in Hannah and Her Sisters, where he says, “Do you realize what a thread we’re hanging by?” But sooner or later, deal with it we must; our aches and pains and other signs of compromised endurance serve as uncomfortable reminders that time is a kind of currency, and none of us has unlimited amounts to spend. We must, at some time or another, consider how we really want to be spending it.

Sometimes, other unexpected losses occurring in middle age can be uneasy reminders of that existential clock: we may lose a high school friend or a parent; we might experience new medical issues; we find ourselves unhappy with our work or career; or perhaps longstanding relationship issues become more challenging. Knowing we’re mortal intellectually is very different from sensing it in our very bones.

These and other encounters with mortality are indicators of what psychoanalyst and philosopher Robert Stolorow (2007) calls “finitude,” the concept that to be human means accepting the finiteness of time and human limitations, including the big kahuna of mortality itself. These reminders can themselves be “triggers” for those who experienced trauma earlier in life. Psychologists sometimes call this “emotional linkage.”

Can’t we just have a fling or watch some porn or take a pill?

I think this is why therapy can seem so frightening. In therapy people face their vulnerabilities—and that can mean acknowledging that clock, which even therapists are sometimes reluctant to recognize. (Those of us in helping professions who duck the issue, who don’t face it in some basic way, are doing ourselves and the people we work with a disservice.)

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

One thing that surprises many men who come to see me is that the limitations and finiteness they are encountering in a newly anxious way have, as noted earlier, been there all along. The loss of the ability to box, run, work, work out, and have sex with the same vigor and stamina may be subtle, if potent, reminders of times in the past when one felt overwhelmingly weak or defenseless in the face of unbearable pain. Perhaps abuse or abandonment occurred and equally intense self-protections were needed, ways of building the person back up again. The original trauma may have necessarily been forgotten for the sake of survival, but here are those feelings and memories again, with their same implications of shameful “weakness” and vulnerability. Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty.

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited. The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. (Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, provided it’s not the only means of enjoying life.) If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world.

When we can at least take a stab at accepting our humanness, when we can live in abundance and in the present moment no matter our circumstances, then our world can open up to us in unexpected ways. Human connection becomes more valuable, and authenticity and emotional truth become something to strive for rather than fear or dread. As we come to accept that, as men, it’s OK to need support and love from others in facing what is frightening, we can better help and support others in their own times of grief and loss.

Of course, facing our humanness can be very difficult and messy, and often prompts the raising of hairy questions such as, “Am I happy in my work? At home? How do I deal with aging parents and their impending loss? Is it time to forgive and forget? What do I really care about? Will the ‘real me’ please stand up?”

This is not to say, by the way, that physical activity or outside “stuff” doesn’t matter. (I would not turn down a free sports car.) It’s just that so many men who come to me for help have put all of their psychological eggs in that particular basket. When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. (Carl Jung, for one, felt that therapy truly began in middle age.)

So many who begin working at this—via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means—discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. There is as much beauty in the human soul as in the natural world, if not more so. Some tender scrubbing at a tarnished heart often reveals a priceless gem. Hard to believe? Why not try it?

It’s not the fears and hidden demons that can hurt us, it’s the persistent avoidance of them that gets us into trouble.

There’s no shame in asking for help (from a therapist, religious or spiritual adviser, trusted friend, even a family member). The practice of gazing, with assistance if need be, into our own psychic mirrors in the end helps us enjoy even more the joys of exercise, food, drink, sex, and embodied aliveness.

Water is most valued when the well runs dry, as the old saying goes. I believe we are meant to enjoy our pleasurable sensory experiences, but not as a total escape from our all-too-human situation. We are all in the same boat with this than most of us ever realize.

Reference:

Stolorow, R. D. (2007). Trauma and human existence. New York: The Analytic Press.

There are some common misunderstandings about what codependency is. It used to be that when one heard the term codependency, it was associated with being in a relationship with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. The term codependency is now more commonly associated with being emotionally dependent on others in relationships. While we are all emotionally dependent on others to some degree, when we make decisions that go against our value system in order to avoid rejection and anger, we are creating a codependent dynamic within the family system.

As parents, we want to avoid family dynamics that perpetuate codependency. Research (1999) indicates that patterns within the family system can be passed down through generations. Parents need to be aware of codependent patterns within the family system so that they can recognize when it’s necessary to break the cycle. If the cycle continues and is passed down as codependency patterns within the family system, the children may be likely to enter into codependent relationships and pass codependency patterns down to their children as well. [fat_widget_right]

Some behaviors for parents to be aware of in order to recognize and avoid perpetuating codependency patterns include:

Being too rigid: When parents are so controlling of their children’s behavior that children don’t have the opportunity to explore their own choices, parents send a message to their children that they aren’t responsible for their choices and that someone else has all the power. Their children may then be more likely to choose relationships where they feel powerless.

Using your child to get your needs met: Parents need to ensure that they get their own needs met in other areas of their life such as hobbies, work, and relationships so that they don’t live vicariously through their children. Parents who live vicariously through their children risk sending their children the message that they must have their parents’ approval. While it is normal for children to go through a phase where they seek their parent’s approval, the need for parental approval could carry on into adulthood.

When parents come up with a plan of action instead of allowing their children to develop a plan of action, they are interfering with the opportunity to develop problem solving skills.Acting on the desire to solve their problems: When children talk about their problems, parents need to listen more without offering advice as opposed to becoming reactive and/or trying to rescue children from their problems. If given the opportunity through a safe place to explore their feelings and options, children may be more successful at learning how to solve their own problems. Parents can provide support to encourage their children to be creative in finding ways to solve their problems.

When parents come up with a plan of action instead of allowing their children to develop a plan of action, they are interfering with the opportunity to develop problem solving skills. Children then receive the message that they are not capable of solving their own problems and that someone else needs to solve their problems for them. As adults, they could potentially be more likely to enter into relationships where they are told what to do.

How Can Parents Avoid Perpetuating Codependency Patterns Within the Family System?

In order to avoid passing down codependency patterns within the family system, parents need to facilitate children in developing a strong sense of self. By implementing some of these practices, parents can be proactive in helping their children develop a solid and healthy sense of self-esteem:

• Be mindful of their safety, but give children the freedom and opportunity to solve their own problems.
• Don’t emotionally neglect children.
• Don’t be overly controlling or overly pampering. Doing so may result in some children creating a dependency on others and an inability to make independent decisions, while other children take on too much responsibility and are forced to give up their childhood.
• Be mindful of your own patterns of behaviors such as passive-aggressive comments, giving children the silent treatment, disrespecting children’s boundaries, or being dependent on children for emotional support.
• Encourage positive self-talk.
• Teach children that value doesn’t come from pleasing a parent.
• Parents need to practice self-care and ensure they are taking care of their own needs. This will help a parent avoid building resentment that often gets turned inward.

Reference:

Burris, C. T. (1999). Stand by your (exploitive) man: Codependency and responses to performance feedback. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 18(3), 277-298. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/224867940?accountid=1229