Transgender kids face alarming rates of bullying and abuse. GLSEN’s 2017 National School Climate Survey found 83.7% of trans and 69.9% of gender nonconforming (GNC) students experience bullying at school.

Bullying can erode self-esteem, increase isolation, and make it more difficult for a child to assert their gender identity. Some bullied children become depressed and suicidal. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that any involvement with bullying—whether as a victim, bully, or both—raises a child’s risk of suicidal behavior.

Parents, educators, and other adults have significant power to reduce bullying and support trans kids at school.

Transphobia Statistics

Transphobia is animus toward transgender people. It can cause bullying, physical aggression, and other forms of abuse.

Research consistently finds that gender-related discrimination is a problem in schools. GLSEN’s annual National School Climate Survey looked at over 23,000 children in grades 6-12. The study found 42.1% of trans and GNC kids are prevented from using their preferred pronouns. Nearly half of these kids (46.5%) are forced to use the wrong bathrooms.

Other research has found high rates of transphobic bullying.

• Research published in 2017 found trans kids are two to three times more likely than their peers to be bullied.
• A 2016 survey of adult transgender individuals found 60% have avoided public restrooms because they feared confrontation and bullying.
• A 2012 survey found 61% of students have heard peers make negative remarks about gender expression. The same survey found 27% of students face physical abuse because of their gender expression.

Creating a Safe Environment for Trans Kids

Many parents and educators worry that there’s nothing they can do to stop transphobic bullying. Yet research consistently finds that creating an inclusive, gender-affirming environment can greatly reduce bullying. Even when kids are bullied in these environments, they may feel more comfortable reaching out to an adult than they would in less inclusive environments.

According to GLSEN, students at inclusive schools with curricula that feature LGBTQ-affirming content are less likely to experience bullying, hear transphobic remarks, or feel unsafe at school. They are also less likely to be forced to use the wrong bathrooms or the wrong pronouns. Inclusive curricula can also raise self-esteem, reduce the risk of depression, and even improve grades.

Some strategies that promote a safe environment for trans kids include:

• Creating a trans-inclusive curricula. Schools can participate in LGBT History Month, feature notable transgender historic figures, and discuss transgender history and civil rights with students.
• Asking students about their preferred pronouns or names and then using them
• Educating teachers, school counselors, and others who work with students about transgender issues.
• Establishing safe spaces, such as counselor’s offices, where students can safely discuss gender issues and bullying.
• Refusing to tolerate any bullying or transphobia, even from teachers or other adults.

Parents who want to support a transgender child should urge their child’s school to promote an inclusive environment that actively works to prevent transgender discrimination. At home, parents can help by allowing children to assert their own gender identity in a safe, judgment-free zone.

It is important to let the child determine what gender means to them. Parents should avoid reinforcing gender stereotypes or rigid gender ideologies. For example, a trans girl does not need to turn her entire wardrobe pink in order to “prove” she is a girl. No toy or clothing should be off limits to anyone solely because of gender.

Parents can also support their trans or GNC children by introducing them to the wider LGBT community. They may read books with their child that feature people of many gender identities and presentations. They may identify trans or GNC role models for kids to learn about. They may also help their children meet other trans kids through support groups, trans camps, and other communities.

Lastly, parents may wish to educate themselves about transgender history and issues. Children pick up on what parents believe, not just what they say. Parents who are uncomfortable with their child’s gender presentation may inadvertently stigmatize their child. Education can help parents reevaluate their own ideas about gender and become better advocates for their children.

Understanding Your Child’s Rights

Federal, state, and local laws determine a student’s legal rights. Trans students in some states have more protections than students in other states. Individual schools may extend additional rights to trans students.

Many courts have ruled that transgender individuals are protected under Title IX. This federal law forbids schools from discriminating against students based on their sex or gender expression. Under Title IX, transgender and GNC students have the right to:

• Be protected from bullying, harassment, and violence.
• Use restrooms and locker rooms that match their gender identity.
• Be called the correct name and pronouns.
• Dress and present themselves according to their gender identity (so long as they follow the general school dress code).
• Access the same educational opportunities and school events as other students.
• Maintain their medical privacy, including the right not to disclose being transgender.

However, not all states share this interpretation of Title IX. According to the American Civil Liberties Union, only 17 states have laws explicitly protecting transgender students from harassment and discrimination. These include Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington. The District of Columbia also has anti-discrimination laws.

Even between these states, the extent of civil protections can vary. For example, only California, Connecticut, and Washington currently allow transgender students to join school sports teams consistent with their gender identity. School districts within a state may also vary in their policies.

The rights of transgender students at school are continually evolving. Parents who worry their child is facing discrimination should consider consulting a lawyer who specializes in educational law or who has experience with transgender issues.

How Therapy Can Help Transgender Kids

Therapy can offer immense support to transgender kids and their families. Family counseling can help a family identify strategies for supporting a child’s gender identity and fighting back against bullying. When family members do not fully understand or accept a child’s trans identity, family therapy can educate them and encourage acceptance.

Individual counseling can help transgender kids who struggle with depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety due to bullying. The right therapist can also affirm a child’s gender identity and point them toward trans role models and literature. In therapy, a child can learn that being trans is not a mental health problem or a weakness, but an important component of a person’s identity that should be respected and celebrated.

You can find a therapist here.

References:

1. GLSEN 2017 National School Climate Survey. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.glsen.org/article/2017-national-school-climate-survey-1
2. Know your rights: Transgender people and the law. (n.d.) ACLU. Retrieved from https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/transgender-people-and-law
3. McKay, T., Misra, S., & Lindquist, C. (2017). Violence and LGBTQ+ communities: What do we know, and what do we need to know? RTI International. Retrieved from https://www.rti.org/sites/default/files/rti_violence_and_lgbtq_communities.pdf
4. Supporting transgender and gender diverse students in schools [PDF]. (2015). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/safe-supportive/lgbt/school-administrators.pdf
5. The relationship between bullying and suicide: What we know and what it means for schools [PDF]. (2014). Chamblee: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/bullying-suicide-translation-final-a.pdf
6. Trotta, D. (2016, December 08). U.S. transgender people harassed in public restrooms: Landmark survey. Reuters. Retrieved from https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-lgbt-survey/u-s-transgender-people-harassed-in-public-restrooms-landmark-survey-idUSKBN13X0BK
7. What are my rights at school? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://transequality.org/know-your-rights/schools

Children experience the world through action, play, and exploration. They are propelled by their bodies and guided by their senses. Thus, it is important children in therapy are not expected to sit on a couch for 50 minutes and spout logic and reason. This is not the natural state of childhood.

A child’s biological tendencies do not begin with logical thought—though this does come with time. Children are more driven by their impulses, feeling sensations, and day-to-day happenings. It is vital a children are able to bring their whole selves, brain and body both, into the therapy room, a setting of safety and acceptance.

When the body is engaged in therapy, the brain is also engaged. Higher brain processes, such as critical thinking, are often the focal points of therapy. But this means the body and all of its wisdom, skill, and purpose may be left out of the interaction. It is important to enlist both the brain and the body when working with children. Doing so can help the brain integrate information and work toward easing symptoms that present in the body. Engaging the body in the therapy process can also help therapists meet children at their developmental level by facilitating a more interactive learning experience.

[fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

How Can the Brain Be Integrated?

It is often obvious when a child is upset or struggling. You can see the signs in their body. For example, a child might sob, stomp their feet, throw themselves on the floor in a physical tantrum, run away, scream, or hit. In a heightened emotional state, a child’s body takes over, while logical thought and reason are put on pause. But when the body is active in therapy, brain processes, and integration of the brain overall, are likely to improve.

Integration of the brain can happen in two ways:

1. On the right and left sides of the brain. The right side of the brain is generally responsible for non-verbal (bodily) communication and for creative processes. It is also responsible for play and autobiographical expression. The left side of the brain is connected to logic, language, and organization. Children, especially young children, are generally right-brain dominant. They express through play and creative processes (Siegel & Bryson, 2012). By allowing the right side of the brain to be active in therapy through movement, play, and action, a therapist can meet the child at the developmentally appropriate level. Furthering the process with age-appropriate verbal reflection assists in integrating both sides of the brain.
2. In the upper and lower parts of the brain. The lower part of the brain governs automatic responses, including the fight, flight, or freeze response to danger. The higher, outer part of the brain is involved with judgment, problem solving, and thinking through situations (Siegel & Bryson, 2012). The higher, thinking part of the brain has limited capacity when the lower brain is activated. Not feeling safe, experiencing new situations, and/or having a history of trauma are just a few ways the lower brain may be activated. Regulation of the lower brain generally comes from interventions involving the senses. Smell, sound, body movements, grounding, and breathwork might all be used to assist a child with lower brain regulation.

In summary, children are generally more right-brained, which connects closely to the body. Ideally all parts of the brain can be engaged in the therapy process. But this requires both the brain and the body to be involved.

Symptoms in the Body

Children express their feelings, and show symptoms, on a bodily level. A therapist might notice some of the following body-based symptoms:

• Tension
• Fidgeting
• Repetitive movements
• Physical aggression
• Self-harming behaviors such as head-banging
• Low energy
• Hyperactivity

Children might also experience body-based symptoms that are not visible, such as:

• Increased heart rate
• Rapid breathing
• Somatic pains such as headaches and stomachaches

Addressing a child’s presentation through brain-based interventions may provide some change and relief. However, because integration of the whole brain is vital for overall well-being, a quicker and more direct path to healing may be to address symptoms in their organic form—in other words, through the body. For example, a child who experiences hyperactive and impulsive behavior may need to learn and practice new ways of using the body while utilizing a physical outlet for the presenting hyperactivity.

How Can Therapy Be Made Enjoyable?

Which therapy experience would a child most likely prefer: sitting on a couch, verbally describing their day and memorizing coping mechanisms? Or engaging in movement and/or play to reenact parts of their day while learning to cope with difficult experiences through the body?

Children are not biologically designed to sit in one place and think critically. They are movers, explorers, and creative expressers. Children engage with the world through action. Therefore, therapy should be a space for clinical intervention with age-appropriate, action-oriented techniques. Having the tools of childhood (action, play and creative expression) in the therapy room will help make room for a therapy experience that is positive and validating. As a result, it is likely to lead children to increase their investment in therapy

What Types of Therapy Engage Both the Brain and Body?

Many forms of child-focused therapies provide intervention that support both the brain and body. Dance/movement therapy, play therapy, and other expressive arts therapies (art, music, and drama therapies) are structured around holistic engagement.

Dance/Movement Therapy

The psychotherapeutic use of movement to further the social, cognitive, physical, and emotional integration of a child, dance/movement therapy is rooted in the belief that there is an inherent connection between the mind and body. Specially trained dance/movement therapists use movement as the primary tool to address clinical goals.

Play Therapy

The use of play theory and methods can help establish an interpersonal process in which trained therapists help children prevent or resolve psychosocial difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development through play. Play therapists use the languages of childhood: play, imagination and exploration. These typically involve the whole body with a goal of facilitating emotional processing and change in children.

Art therapy, music therapy and drama therapy are other action-oriented therapies that engage the both body and brain in the therapy process. [amazon_affiliate]

Looking for a dance/movement, play, or expressive arts therapist? Begin your search for a counselor with GoodTherapy’s therapist directory.

References:

1. American Dance Therapy Association. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://adta.org
2. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 proven strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. London: Robinson.
3. Why play therapy? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.a4pt.org/page/WhyPlayTherapy

“Don’t you walk away when I’m talking to you!”

“But Mom!”

“Don’t ‘but Mom’ me. I’m not finished here!”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“You’re losing your phone for a week for being so disrespectful.”

Bedroom door slams.

“Make that two, you ungrateful little brat!”

Maybe things aren’t this bad in your home. Maybe they are worse.

The adolescent years are difficult for many families. To make things more complicated, puberty begins earlier and children leave home permanently later than in any previous generation. This means parents may spend more time navigating changes and challenges that arise as their children become adults. [fat_widget_right]

Developmental stages are determined by internal biological clocks. The age at which a child learns to walk, begins talking, understands object permanence, understands that death is permanent, or develops romantic attractions is determined mostly by biology, not parenting. It is often easier for a parent not to personalize their 4-year-old repeatedly asking “why?” than it is not to take the individuation attempts of a teen personally. On top of stress that may occur as teenagers find their independence, parents are often exhausted from work, household responsibilities, parenting obligations, and extended family needs.

Burnout and Parents of Teenagers

Many households are run by single parents or have a disabled parent in the home. Trying to squeeze in a little self-care, exercise, and time with friends may seem nearly impossible when it’s needed most.

I invite parents who seek counseling with me to first consider if heated exchanges at home are, in part, a signal they are burned out. When parents are sleep-deprived, experiencing relationship issues, or neglecting activities that recharge their emotional batteries, it is often apparent in the tone they set for the household.

Why Is Your Teenager Disrespectful?

Adolescent anger or angst is not a parent’s fault. In fact, outward expressions of anger may be a sign of adolescent depression. If this is a concern, calmly take your teen to a licensed counselor or to their physician to be evaluated. Most tension between parents and adolescents is a normal part of individuation. Remember, it is up to the adult, not the adolescent, to stop the back-and-forth.

Adolescents do not have the insight, power, or privileges adults do. They can’t sign legal documents or stay out past curfew, and they depend on their parents for finances, health care, extracurricular activities, vacations, clothes—nearly everything. A teenager’s dependency is often at odds with their strong emotional desire for independence. This battle rages within the teen and more often than not, spills over onto those closest to them.

Handling Disrespectful Behavior: Be the Example

Respecting a teen’s feelings is not the same as giving them everything they want. Validating that an adolescent has the right to hope and dream for anything without caving in to their demands can build mutual respect and foster dignity. In households where parents are confident in the parameters they set, the teen can express their frustration, agitation, even anger, and the parent does not take their emotions personally.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent.

Adolescent moods can change moment to moment. Parents who focus primarily on making a teen happy tend to defend themselves, try to get the teen to see things their way, and shame the teen if they express uncomfortable emotions about the parent’s decision. When parents are clear they are responsible for their own emotions and don’t blame others (including their children) for how they feel, it’s easier for a teen to understand they are also responsible for their own feelings.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent. These are often employed by the teen in less sophisticated or polite ways.

6 Tips for Parents with Disrespectful Teens

What is the alternative for parents? Those with disrespectful teens may find the following tips helpful.

1. Model respect.

Set up expectations ahead of time. Write them down. Be consistent and don’t change your mind at the last minute. If you feel resentful about a privilege you are giving, set up a predictable reward system and have your adolescent earn that privilege. Doing so may make it easier not to hold privileges over their head when you feel taken for granted.

2. Don’t get sucked into arguments about facts or perceived facts.

Your teen has much more time and energy than you do to collect good argument data. Remember that you have the right to set a boundary just because you’re comfortable with it.

If you are clear with yourself about what you will contribute (phone, computer, driving to a friend’s house, money, shopping, entertainment, etc.), you may spend less time in conversations defending yourself and your decisions. You might also have more energy to validate your teen’s feelings. Use phrases such as, “I can see you are disappointed,” “It’s okay to be upset,” and “It looks like you’re frustrated.” Don’t try to show your teen a different way to look at the situation. They may interpret this as an attempt to change how they feel or think that you believe how they feel is wrong.

3. Practice active listening.

Demonstrate you are really listening and that you have compassion for their frustration. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are experimenting with ways to cope with strong emotions. The more methods for handling strong feelings you demonstrate, the more ideas they may have to choose from.

4. Take time for yourself.

Spend time with quality friends, exercise, pursue a creative outlet, listen to music, dance, laugh, write, plan outings, eat healthy foods, learn something new, organize your surroundings, go to therapy, garden, or volunteer where you feel appreciated. Show your adolescent that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and peace of mind.

5. Be sure to laugh.

Lead conversations with humor. Don’t take every conversation so seriously. Laughter lightens up a household, but sarcasm or belittling humor do not.

6. Give compliments.

So many seemingly bad behaviors in teenagers stem from a desire to be addressed. Be sure you are giving at least five compliments for every one directive, which is telling your teen what to do or how to change. Finding things to compliment may be hard to do in a defiant adolescent. Push yourself a bit. The more you model that you admire your child, the more they may see what respect looks like.

If you continue to feel frustrated with the arguments and attitudes in your home, consider family therapy. The sooner a family seeks treatment, the easier it can be to begin moving toward a harmonious, respectful household.

With some focused effort, the opening conversation in this article can sound more like:

“I can see you’re done talking about this. I’ll send you a text with the rest of what I want to say.”

“But Mom…!”

“It’s okay, I’ll text you. It’s a good strategy to spend some quiet time alone.”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“We’ll talk later.”

Bedroom door slams.

“I know this is hard. Hang in there, we’ll get through this. I love you.”

Reference:
Sawyer, M. S., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2017, January 17). The age of adolescence. The Lancet: Child and Adolescent Health, 3(2), 223-228. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

Since the United States Department of Justice announced its “Zero Tolerance Policy for Criminal Illegal Entry,” over 2,000 children have been separated from their guardians. Affected families include both those legally seeking asylum and those illegally crossing the border.

In the wake of public outcry, President Trump signed an executive order that may halt the practice of separating immigrants from their children. “It is also the policy of this Administration to maintain family unity, including by detaining alien families together where appropriate and consistent with law and available resources,” the order said in part.

The order has drawn criticism for its failure to reunite the children who have already been taken from their parents. The American Psychological Association published a statement on June 20 about its concerns.

[fat_widget_right]

“While we are gratified that President Trump has ended this troubling policy of wresting immigrant children from their parents, we remain gravely concerned about the fate of the more than 2,300 children who have already been separated and are in shelters. These children have been needlessly traumatized and must be reunited with their parents or other family members as quickly as possible to minimize any long-term harm to their mental and physical health. In the interim, they should be assessed for and receive any needed mental or physical health care by qualified health care professionals.

“Decades of psychological research show that children separated from their parents can suffer severe psychological distress, resulting in anxiety, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, withdrawal, aggressive behavior, and decline in educational achievement. The longer the parent and child are separated, the greater the child’s symptoms of anxiety and depression become,” said APA President Jessica Herndon Daniel in the statement.

How Separating Parents From Children Harms Families

The Society for Research in Child Development (SRCD) has also published a brief on the subject. The brief says even temporary separations can have long-lasting consequences for physical and mental health. The separations can impact parents, children, and communities.

The longer the parent and child are separated, the greater the child’s symptoms of anxiety and depression become.The brief draws on many studies of children separated from their parents. The research dates back to the forced separations of World War II.

The SRCD refers to parent-child separations as a “toxic stressor.” A stressor is an event that activates the body’s stress management system. A toxic stressor can cause a body to stay on high alert for a prolonged period.

Parent-child separations also remove children’s main buffer against other stressors. Many of the migrants attempting to cross the border have faced trauma such as gang violence, war, and rape. Children who are exposed to trauma do better when they have the support of their parents. Family separation can worsen the child’s stress from preexisting traumas.

Much research has focused on the separation of young children from their parents. Yet older children suffer too. Adolescent stress is often cumulative. For example, a teen exposed to the stress of gang violence in childhood will suffer even more trauma when separated from a parent. Stress experienced in adolescence may not produce symptoms till adulthood.

Long-Term Effects of Parent-Child Separation

The effects of parent-child separation can last well into adulthood. Family separation can put a child at greater risk for psychological issues such as:

• Posttraumatic stress (PTSD)
• Anxiety
• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Attachment issues (meaning the child may have difficulty bonding with other people)

Family separation can also cause long-term changes in how the body responds to stress. These changes may make children more vulnerable to physical health problems as adults. Medical issues could include stunted growth, heart disease, stroke, and cancer. A child may also develop an increased risk of premature death.

Previous research suggests countries with “supportive” immigration policies tend to have better overall mental health among child populations.

Witnessing parent-child separations can be stressful even for those with no direct connection to the issue. Lawyers, social workers, and others who work with families at the border may suffer vicarious trauma. Immigrant families may worry about their own safety. Those who have survived border separation may need help to recover.

If you have been affected by parent-child separation, even indirectly, a therapist can help you process your emotions. Therapy can offer support, hope, and resources. There is no shame in seeking help.

References:

1. Bouza, J., Camacho-Thompson, D. E., Carlo, G., Franco, X. . . .White, R. M. (2018). The science is clear: Separating families has long-term damaging psychological and health consequences for children, families, and communities. Society for Research in Child Development. Retrieved from https://www.srcd.org/policy-media/statements-evidence/separating-families
2. Cheng, A. (2018, June 21). Fact-checking family separation. ACLU. Retrieved from https://www.aclu.org/blog/immigrants-rights/immigrants-rights-and-detention/fact-checking-family-separation
3. Hendry, E. R. (2018, June 20). Read Trump’s full executive order on family separation. PBS. Retrieved from https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/read-trumps-full-executive-order-on-family-separation

Children are a significant part of most parents’ lives. While the act of parenting is not always easy, most parents feel it is worthwhile. Some research indicates having children can increase well-being. It is more likely to do so if raising the child contributes a sense of meaning and purpose to the parent’s life.

Some of these quotes describe the joy of being a parent. Others reveal insights about its challenges. Psychologists often speak to the subject of children and parents. This is because parents have such great influence over how their children may grow and develop.

If you are a parent yourself or have been impacted by parents or parental figures, these quotes are for you. Share a quote with someone close to you or join the conversation on Facebook or Twitter!

[fat_widget_right]

Good parents can prepare future generations to live functional and meaningful adult lives. A childhood lacking in parental support may result in trauma that echoes through generations.

Parenting often focuses on the bond between parent and child. The nature of this relationship can be tumultuous. Toddlers may cause stress through their often messy tendencies. Teens may push back against even reasonable boundaries. Mental health issues may also complicate these relationships.

If parenting is causing you distress, a therapist may help. Reaching out to a therapist about parenting matters does not mean you have failed as a parent. If anything, it means you are taking necessary steps to ensure the healthiest outcome for your child and family. Many people grow up with bad or abusive parents. Acting out negative parenting examples only passes the problem on. Therapy may allow parents to confront these patterns. Therapists can help parents learn new, healthy parenting skills. Parents may then be less likely to repeat a negative cycle of behavior toward their children.

Reference:

Nelson, S. K., Kushlev, K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). The pains and pleasures of parenting: When, why, and how is parenthood associated with more or less well-being? Psychological Bulletin, 3(140), 846-895. doi: 10.1037/a0035444

Social media is nearly impossible for parents to avoid. Alarming stories of cyberbullying, suicides following social media abuse, and catfishing may tempt parents to forbid their children from using it.

Yet social media also offers some benefits. It can connect kids to peers and provide an outlet for exploring new identities. It may even offer support for people with depression.

New Technology, New Challenges: Social Media and Kids

Kids spend more time in front of screens than ever before. A 2007 study of children ages 0-6 found that 75% of kids watch TV each day, for an average of an hour and 20 minutes. Twenty-seven percent of 5- to 6-year olds used a computer each day. Research published in 2018 found that 90% of kids ages 13-17 have used social media. Seventy-five percent have at least one active profile. Fifty-one percent say they use social media daily.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting screen time for toddlers and preschoolers. They suggest parents avoid digital media altogether for children under 18 months. Also recommended is that each family develop a “family media plan.” This can help outline how the family plans to use digital media.

The AAP emphasizes it’s important for children to have plenty of time for physical play and creative learning. They also remind us that screen time can be beneficial when correctly used. [fat_widget_right]

How Social Media Can Affect Kids’ Mental Health

Social media use presents a number of dangers, including:

• Internet addiction
• Cyberbullying, which affects nearly 1 in 4 children
• Sexual harassment
• Low self-esteem. This may occur when children are teased or bullied. It may also crop up when they negatively compare themselves to people they follow online.
• Privacy concerns
• Cyberstalking
• Avoiding in-person social interaction
• Spending less time playing, exercising, or reading offline
• Pressure to conform

Not all social media use is harmful. Social media can also:

• Help children connect with friends and relatives
• Offer support to children with alternative identities
• Provide support for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety
• Help children feel less isolated
• Encourage self-expression
• Support learning about other people and cultures

Tips for Managing Child Social Media Use

Therapists often help families better understand and safely use social media. Some expert strategies that may help include:

Lead by example.

Barrie Sueskind, MA, MFT acknowledges that social media allows children to stay connected with peers. But social media may amplify the “Fear of Missing Out,” or FOMO, for kids and teens. “There is always someone whose life looks better on social media. It’s easy to feel inferior by comparison,” says Sueskind. “Remind your kids that social media is about image, which is superficial in comparison to real world interactions and meaningful relationships. Make sure you set aside tech-free time to connect as a family. Establish a rule that meals are device-free and follow it yourself. If you can’t tear yourself away from your phone, you can’t expect your kids to willingly part with theirs. Teach your kids by example the value of being present with the people around them.”

Set limits and educate.

Katelyn Alcamo, LCMFT suggests that delaying access to having a smartphone until teen years is a good start. Children who are younger may not be developed or mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with owning a smartphone. If parents are concerned about safety, Alcamo suggests providing a basic phone that can be used for making calls.

• Educate: “No matter how hard parents try, kids will find a way to access things like Instagram and Snapchat,” Alcamo says. “One of the most important things is to teach your kids healthy technology habits. Teach them about the importance of privacy settings and not sharing too much personal information online. Teach them what to do if they are being cyberbullied or see a peer being cyberbullied. Let them know it is important and safe that they come to you when they don’t know how to handle a situation online or come across something they were not supposed to.”
• Set limits: Alcamo acknowledges it can be easy for kids and adults to become engrossed with tech devices for long hours. She suggests addressing this by setting limits on how long kids can be on a device. “I also recommend a technology curfew for kids. This means all devices should be stored with the parents after a certain time of night. This is the time when most kids get into trouble with their social media use, as it is often unsupervised. There is no one available to support them if something negative happens,” she says.

Being curious, opening up respectful conversations, and using digital media as a platform to better understand your child is every bit as important as setting limits and being vigilant.

Alcamo recommends keeping tech devices in communal areas. This way, parents can observe what is going on and check in with their children. But if you notice something concerning, your response is important. “Don’t approach them punitively, but explore their feelings about what happened. Help them determine better choices for the future,” says Alcamo.

Be curious.

Lois V. Nightingale, PhD points out an opportunity parents often miss when setting rules for computer activities, like social media and video games: asking their kids what they like about their favorite online activity. Do they enjoy inspiring others who may have a similar challenge or interest? Or are they just trying to get as many followers as possible?

“Being curious, opening up respectful conversations, and using digital media as a platform to better understand your child is every bit as important as setting limits and being vigilant,” says Nightingale.

Spend time with your kids.

Monica Lake, PsyD, NCSP says strong relationships help children and parents communicate about social media. They allow parents to better understand their children’s use of social media.

“Parents must have a strong bond with their children. Doing fun things together like playing board games, taking silly pictures, remodeling a room, and volunteering can enhance this bond. It also increases the time parents and children spend together. These activities give parents more insight on their child’s social media beliefs and behaviors. Parents can also model good decision-making during these activities by guiding children through their thought process. For example, a simple statement such as, ‘Nice move. What made you think of that?’ can help children think about their own behaviors and promote good decision-making in the future,” Lake suggests.

Follow your children on social media.

Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC says, “The advice I most often give parents about social media is to follow their children on each social media platform so they can stay informed on what their children are posting and liking. What children and teens ‘like’ can and should be discussed.”

“For example, ‘I see that you liked Kylie Kardashian’s post. What do you like about it?’ This allows for conversation on influential topics that shape culture today, which you may or may not want your children to value. By discussing topics related to the posts, you plant seeds of broader thinking on a topic. ‘I saw that your friend posted a picture wearing a bikini. I wonder what her motivation was.’ In addition, parents have the duty to monitor social media accounts for safety and security purposes. It’s always appropriate to discuss what and what not to post.”

Understand Why Children Use Social Media and What It Offers

Social media is merely a platform. It is neither good nor bad. Talking openly with children about why they use social media and what they feel they gain from its use can foster good communication. Parents should also learn as much as they can about social media—both benefits and risks. This knowledge empowers parents to understand new technology. It can help them make informed decisions about how their children can most effectively use it.

If you are concerned about how your children use social media, seek help from a therapist or other expert. Family therapy can support parents and children to set mutually agreed-to boundaries. Therapists often help families work through social media disputes and find healthy ways to engage with this emerging media.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Like most little boys, my 6-year-old son is messy. He tracks mud in the house, gets finger paint on the couch, and is basically a whirlwind of chaos. Until recently, it’s been a struggle to get him to wash his hands or take a bath. I come from a family of neat freaks, so sometimes I’m stricter with him than the situation deserves.

One day, my son came home after swimming in the creek down the road. When he grabbed a slice of pizza with his still-wet hands, my germaphobe alarm went off. I sat my son down and explained to him what germs were and how they could be on anything, even things that didn’t look dirty. I said he should always wash his hands so germs wouldn’t make him sick.

[fat_widget_right]

My boy always ignored my lectures before, but this time he took me seriously. Too seriously. Now he washes his hands after touching anything: his stuffed frog, the TV remote, even doorknobs! If he plays outside, he’ll wash his hands twice over. The skin on his knuckles is literally raw from all the washing. When the hand soap in his room ran out, he had an honest-to-goodness meltdown.

I have tried to explain that he doesn’t need to wash his hands ALL the time, just after using the bathroom or playing outside. My words didn’t help. He’s deathly afraid of getting sick. You’d think there was a plague going on from how anxious he gets.

I feel as if I’ve broken my boy, and I don’t know how to fix him. I had no idea my words would give him such a severe phobia. I’d take it all back if I could. Please tell me, how do I help my son? —Crisis of Cleanliness

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Crisis,

I imagine that feeling as if you have “broken” your boy and not knowing how to “fix” him creates a tremendous amount of pain for you—regret and guilt were palpable as I read your question.

It’s hard for parents to know how something is going impact their children. You say your son usually ignores your lectures, so you had no idea he would react like this. You make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Unfortunately, things go a bit awry sometimes. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember you were only trying to get him to be better about washing his hands, which is a reasonable and responsible parenting goal.

A therapist could be instrumental in helping your son identify his feelings and develop coping strategies.

I wonder if your son would be comforted by the fact exposure to some germs is good for developing the immune system. Perhaps you two could spend a little time reviewing reputable websites that cover this concept. Maybe you could even schedule an appointment with his pediatrician to talk about it. You seem to have his attention on this issue, so perhaps he would be interested in learning more.

It’s also possible that, in time, the issue will take care of itself. Children go through phases. Sometimes a behavior or fear that arises with great intensity just fades out.

If educating him on germs—not just the danger they pose, but the value they hold—and/or time don’t resolve the issue, it might be helpful to partner with a therapist to further explore his feelings. If he has a heightened sense of anxiety in general, it’s possible this issue has simply become the focus. A therapist could be instrumental in helping your son identify his feelings and develop coping strategies.

However you proceed, I hope you will remember that your intention was simply to get him to wash his hands more—a good thing. You couldn’t have anticipated such a dramatic response, especially given his propensity for ignoring your lectures. Issues sometimes arise despite parents’ best efforts. The fact you are reaching out for help and trying to work with your son to move past this shows what a loving and dedicated parent you are.

Best wishes,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

It will come as no surprise that in my work as a middle school therapist, I come across kids who test boundaries, break rules, and make poor choices. It is also not uncommon to meet with parents at a loss for what to do and how to regain control.

Raising an adolescent is one of the most challenging jobs a parent will have. Suddenly you go from raising a sweet and affectionate child to managing a moody and rebellious teen. You might wonder what happened to the child you once knew. You also might find that the parenting strategies you once relied on no longer work.

While it is not all bad, it is easy for parents to get overwhelmed by the social, emotional, and behavioral changes that happen during adolescence.

Many parents don’t reach out for help until things have gotten out of control. When I meet a family for the first time, I am often meeting desperate parents who have tried everything in their bag of tricks to improve things, to little or no avail. By that point, the family has become quite entrenched in negative patterns.

[fat_widget_right]

During the first session or so, I explore with the parents the strategies they have used to address any concerns. Often parents report that they yell, lecture, threaten consequences, or try to rationalize with their teen. I follow up by asking which strategies have worked and which have not. No surprise, yelling often leads to escalation; lecturing doesn’t garner the desired response, and how can one rationalize with an irrational teenage brain?

Despite their desperation to change things, many parents tell me that they don’t often follow through with any threatened consequences. And why not? “Because they’ll be mad at me,” I’m inevitably told.

I am often incredulous. Of course teens will be mad when there is a consequence, especially a meaningful one. Trying to prevent a teen from being mad at you is like trying to prevent a baby from crying. Good luck.

So why this avoidance of angering a teenager? I believe the reason is both selfish and selfless. First, what parent wants to deal with a sulking, bitter, angry teenager? No parent I know, including me. And it is understandable for parents to want to be loved by their children. We sacrifice so much and work so hard to love and care for our kids. It is validating to get that love in return.

We are programmed to want to make our children happy. This desire often translates to avoidance of anything that makes our child upset, including enforcing consequences for negative behaviors.

Why would we want to make our child upset when there is enough adversity in the world? Let me tell you.

Despite how they may act, teens need rules and boundaries so they can both test them and feel protected by them. Creating structure and having predictable responses helps teens learn to self-regulate. It also helps them learn from their mistakes.

Rules and consequences are important for every child. Despite how they may act, teens need rules and boundaries so they can both test them and feel protected by them. Creating structure and having predictable responses helps teens learn to self-regulate. It also helps them learn from their mistakes.

Raising a teen is like bowling with bumpers. Sometimes the bumpers take the form of support and validation and sometimes they’re in the form of rules and consequences. Regardless, they serve to gently guide teens down a healthy and successful path. Not having rules and consequences is like removing the bumpers before your teen has developed the skills to function in the world.

Allowing your child to express anger in a safe environment also helps them to develop emotional intelligence. If you are constantly shielding them from frustration, anger, or sadness, they may not learn how to regulate these emotions or how to express them in socially appropriate ways. It is important to remember that parenting isn’t about being liked. Giving in on rules and consequences makes it harder for teens to engage in a world where there are rules and consequences.

So what can you do?

• Set realistic rules and consequences: This helps in many ways. First, it’s easier to enforce and stand behind rules you believe are logical and reasonable. Second, if you set realistic rules, your child may be more likely to abide by those rules. Realistic consequences are also important. Don’t threaten something you can’t enforce. Kids notice when parents are inconsistent in enforcing consequences and will take advantage.
• Don’t feel guilty, and don’t take it personally: Again, many parents avoid giving consequences because they fear their child will be upset—specifically with them. Remember, as long as your rules are realistic and your consequences fair, you are helping your child learn not only how to make better choices but to regulate their emotions. Be prepared for guilt trips from your child. Losing their phone privileges or being grounded is upsetting to them, so expect them to try anything they can to get you to change your mind. Know that their guilt, tantrums, and bad behavior is often nothing more than an attempt to get you give in. Once they learn to expect consistency from you, the pleading and manipulation will likely stop. They will come to understand that when you set a rule and a consequence, you mean business.
• Model healthy emotion regulation: Help your kids learn healthy ways of managing emotions. Give them space and permission to feel angry and disappointed when they are faced with a consequence for their behavior. These upsetting feelings will help them to make better choices. You can validate their feelings and suggest coping strategies without giving in.
• Start young: It is important to start young in helping kids learn about rules and consequences. I often see parents who didn’t have to do much of that because there were few problems when their kids were little. As a result, they were often lenient the few times their kids did make poor choices. However, things change when kids become adolescents. Not only are the stakes higher, but the pushback may be more intense if they don’t understand their behavior has consequences. While it is not impossible to change your parenting strategy after your child has come to expect no consequences, you will likely face a bumpier road.

The bottom line: rules and consequences are your friends. Make sure they are realistic and fair, and don’t let your child’s emotions and attempts at manipulation deter you.

Children often make discoveries through physical actions such as running, walking, playing, and scribbling. Their inner worlds manifest through these physical experiences. When a child is irritable, stressed, or struggling emotionally, their symptoms often appear physically. These symptoms may be seen as tension, crying tantrums, physical aggression, running away, throwing things, and so on.

Eventually, most children learn to regulate their emotions and express themselves in other ways. Emotional regulation refers to the ability to monitor feelings, evaluate emotional and physical responses, and modify emotional reactions in order to accomplish a goal. A child’s goal might range from earning screen time to not wanting to feel embarrassed in front of friends. A goal might also be a learned one, such as acting the “right” way at home.

Parents are largely responsible for regulating a child’s experience (for example, soothing a crying baby) in infancy and early childhood. When children reach preschool age, they begin to emotionally regulate independently. For youth without traumatic experiences or neurodiversity (autism, attention-deficit hyperactivity, or other neurodiverse conditions), independent emotional regulation becomes fairly stable around adolescence.

But some children struggle with the process of emotional regulation. Emotional dysregulation describes an inability or difficulty with monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional and physical responses. A number of factors can contribute to the development of this difficulty. Regardless of cause, the effects of emotional dysregulation may be seen in a child’s behavior. A child may also experience increased mental health symptoms as a result. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

What Does Emotional Dysregulation Look Like?

Emotional dysregulation appears in two major forms: under-regulation and over-regulation.

Under-regulation may occur when:

• Children cannot sense their emotional experience.
• Children cannot sense environmental triggers.
• Children have little to no internal mechanism to soothe themselves. This can be seen in some children who have experienced traumatic events and children with neurodiversity.

Under-regulation can result in behaviors such as impulsive actions, physical acting out, frequent meltdowns, poor concentration, and irritability.

Dance/movement therapy has been found to be helpful for many children. This approach offers body-based, clinical interventions for kids who present with symptoms of emotional dysregulation, struggle with emotional experience, and/or find it difficult to self-regulate emotionally. 

Over-regulation may occur when:

• Children can sense emotions but have trouble listening to them.
• Children modify or suppress their emotional experience.

Over-regulation may lead children to lose a sense of connection with their emotions and with others. It can result in behaviors such as withdrawal, isolation, compulsions, and even outbursts of anger and aggression.

Helping Children Cope with Emotional Dysregulation

A number of treatments can help a person address their emotional experience and cope in healthier ways. Dance/movement therapy is one that has been found to be helpful for many children. This approach offers body-based, clinical interventions for kids who present with symptoms of emotional dysregulation, struggle with emotional experience, and/or find it difficult to self-regulate emotionally.

The American Dance Therapy Association defines dance/movement therapy as “the psychotherapeutic use of movement to promote emotional, social, cognitive and physical integration of the individual.” Trained dance/movement therapists use large motor movement, physical gestures, nonverbal communication, problem-solving skills, and movement games to engage children in therapy. These tactics can help the children address a variety of behaviors and symptoms, emotional dysregulation among them.

An integrative approach, dance/movement therapy uses the mind, body, and emotions. This type of treatment lends itself well to addressing the major areas of emotional dysregulation while meeting children at their developmental level.

Dance/movement therapy can help children with emotional regulation by:

• Providing a physical outlet for emotional energy: Movement, dance, and body-based interventions are the primary modes of interaction. Physical movements on their own can offer children a chance to exert emotional energy. Dance/movement therapists are uniquely trained to offer movement interventions within a child’s scope of tolerance while providing a safe space for them to engage in physical activity. Movement as treatment can also assist children who over-regulate to physically express some of their suppressed emotions.
• Increasing body awareness: As with repetition in any form, increased practice results in increased skill. Youth who participate in dance/movement therapy learn to use their body through focused intervention on a regular basis. This participation results in increased body control and increased body awareness. This awareness in turn helps children learn to recognize and understand physical signs of distress. Responding to early physical signs of distress is an important part of learning to cope, manage, and regulate emotions.
• Offering a new way to cope: Not all children are able to sit still and engage in activities like coloring to self-regulate. Many children need to move. Just as creating art, listening to music, and playing video games can help children cope with emotions, so can dance and movement. Through the dance/movement therapy process, children not only get to move around and increase body-based self-awareness, but they also learn to use movement and dance to cope. Children may practice movement-based coping strategies in session with the therapist and learn through experience how dance and movement can help improve emotional well-being.
• Alternative to talk-based processing: An expressive arts therapy, dance/movement therapy uses movement as a tool for processing feelings, events, and experiences. In session, movement is the primary avenue for children to create and re-experience, directly or indirectly, through metaphor and play. Dance/movement therapists can assist children in expressing traumatic experiences, challenging social circumstances, and reliving those experiences through a strength-based, movement lens.

Children interact and experience the world through movement and physical engagement. They tend to express their fears, frustrations, joys, and challenges through their bodies. Some children struggle to manage their emotional experiences. Others may suppress their emotions and withdraw. Dance/movement therapy can be of benefit in both situations. This clinical medium for movement-based processing and coping can help children work toward independent emotional regulation.

If you’d like to learn more about dance/movement therapy for your child, a therapist or counselor may be able to provide you with more information or a referral.

References: 

1. Ahmed, S. P., Bittencourt-Hewitt, A., & Sebastian, C. L. (2015). Neurocognitive bases of emotion regulation development in adolescence. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 15, 11-25. doi: 10.1016/j.dcn.2015.07.006
2. American Dance Therapy Association. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://adta.org
3. Fielding, L. (2017, December 6). Finding emotional balance: Are you an over or under regulator? Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lara-fielding/finding-emotional-balance-are-you-an-over-or-under-regulator_b_8218256.html
4. Matusiewicz, A., Weaverling, G., & Lejuez, C. W. (2014). Emotion dysregulation among adolescents with borderline personality disorder. Handbook of borderline personality disorder in children and adolescents, 177-194. doi: 10.1007/978-1-4939-0591-1_13

You have discovered your teenage daughter is pregnant. Suddenly, teenage pregnancy is no longer just part of a dramatic storyline in a television show, or something that happens to someone else’s child. It’s now a part of your life.

You are likely reeling. This was not part of your dream for your daughter. Maybe you were a young parent yourself and envisioned your daughter’s life as being different. Maybe this is totally outside of your experience or expectations.

Breathe.

It’s not surprising that you’re feeling a powerful mix of emotions and picturing a thousand awful and stereotypical outcomes. Anger, disappointment, fear, worry, embarrassment, and grief are common (and normal!) responses. Along with these emotions, solutions are probably also leaping into your mind.

Keep breathing.

How You Can Support Your Daughter

At this moment in time, parenting your child from a place of love and reason is absolutely critical. You have the potential to be a powerful guide to your daughter—just maybe not in the way you might think. Many parents have the impulse to overpower their daughter’s wishes and impose their will on the situation. This impulse is typically rooted in love and concern. But your strongest ability to help your daughter lies in your relationship with her. This is deceptively simple-sounding, as doing so is anything but easy. Most parents do not initially find themselves here.

[fat_widget_right]

The purpose of this article is not to push any agenda or argue that any one choice is better than another. It is not to explain the ins and outs of abortion, parenting, or adoption. My goal here is to help you learn how to give your daughter the support she needs to make the best and most thoughtful decision she can.

If I’m being honest, this article is about you. Yes, the you that is reeling. This is not your decision, neither legally nor ethically. The decision of what to do about her pregnancy affects your daughter’s life, possibly far into the future. She needs to deeply consider herself, her values, and her goals, and she needs to make–and own—her decision thoughtfully. The more careful care and consideration goes into your daughter’s decision, the more likely it is that her plan will reduce potentially negative impact.

You have your opinions, your values, your experience, and your wisdom. These are valuable. And certainly, you want an opportunity to share these with your daughter. But that will take a relationship. Not the “I’m your parent, and you will do as I say if you are living under my roof,” kind of relationship, but the “I won’t always agree with you, but I will stand beside you and hold your hand and be here when you need me,” kind of relationship.

If you are not currently on the best terms with your daughter, developing this relationship might require some backing up and rebuilding of trust and openness. Some families will benefit from the support of a professional therapist to get there. Just remember, this is an adult issue. Yes, your daughter may still be a child, and she will always be your child. But if you treat her as a misbehaving kid, you are unlikely to be invited to her table. Even if you were able to influence her decision or make the choice for her, there is great potential for a lasting negative impact on both your daughter and your relationship with her. You are important, a critically important figure in her life, but how you approach her determines if she will hear you.

This isn’t the time to talk about abstinence, birth control, or what either of you did wrong. It doesn’t matter how you found out or what you think of the father (unless there are legal issues). Simply be thankful that you now know, and shift into relationship mode ASAP. Your initial reaction may be anger, and you may want to scold and lecture. But this is not the time. It’s time to let your daughter tell you what happened from a place of safety, concern, and information gathering.

The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.

What you are all facing is big. Really big. But your overarching parenting goals and your goals for your teen haven’t changed. You still want her to be okay. You want her to be healthy and happy, for her to function in the world, and for her to be able to work toward a bright future. Her pregnancy doesn’t change any of that, though it may adjust your vision of her future.

The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.

Making a decision of this magnitude can be a cognitive stretch for many teens, and your guidance through the process is imperative. We all know it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get a teenager to do what you want if they are not on board. You may get compliance on the surface (when you’re watching), but you lose the opportunity to really be heard. I have seen too many teens respond to their parent’s ultimatums by continuing on the same path, completely outside of their parent’s sight and guidance. In other words, if you forbid her to see her boyfriend again (barring legal issues), she will find a way to see him. She might move out. She might just do what she wants in secret. Either way, the goal of protecting her can end up putting her in an even more dangerous situation. Your daughter can only benefit from your help and wisdom if you maintain your relationship with her.

In a nutshell, your teen needs you to get hold of yourself. This might sound harsh, but you can’t be helpful to her until you do. Find a way to tell her you’re there for her and trust her ability to think this through—even if you have doubts. Yes, your feelings are real and need to be felt and processed. But getting stuck in anger or resentment won’t help anyone.

Talk to your partner, a friend, a therapist, or all of the above. Take time to cry and grieve. Then go back to your teen, ready to help her grasp the lasting implication of pregnancy and model and support good decision-making. When you are calm and able to think rationally, you can help your child do the same. If you don’t feel able to provide calm guidance, I encourage you to seek support for your daughter from a therapist or trusted adult.

Looking to the Future

Mapping a plan for the future can be calming. Surveying the scene and gathering information is a good place to begin this process. A good first step is to make a doctor’s appointment. Your teen needs to be seen by a doctor whether she chooses to terminate the pregnancy or not. Finding out how far along she is and getting detailed information about prenatal care can help her understand her options and begin prioritizing health and self-care practices.

Ask her about her goals, values, feelings, and fears, and hear what she has to say. Listen with compassion, even if you disagree. Get a sense of her understanding of the choices she has made to that point and of her options for the future. Help her access factual, unbiased resources that can answer her questions.

Though I encourage you to avoid focusing on why your daughter got pregnant, it’s still worth considering the following personal factors. These can indicate that parenting may be more difficult, the grief of adoption more traumatic, and the need for specialized attention and professional help greater.

• Substance use and abuse is a serious concern that needs immediate attention whether your child plans to carry the baby to term or chooses to have an abortion.
• Teen parents are at greater risk of developing prenatal and postpartum depression.
• Past trauma, impulse control issues, anger issues, maturity, and the ability of the family to provide support are more important considerations.
• Was the pregnancy planned? This is more common than you might imagine and warrants careful exploration.
• Is your teen involved in a coercive or violent relationship? If so, it’s important she gets the support she needs to understand the nature of the relationship (if she doesn’t already), end it, and cope with the effects of trauma or abuse.

Have I seen teens with many things working against them parent successfully? Most certainly. What those teens had in common was support, either in their home or from some other source, and a powerful inner resilience and drive.

Now, back to you. What are you able and willing to do to support your daughter if she plans to parent? Do you have the time, resources, and desire to help? Are you able to provide support while she finishes school and goes to college? Can your personality lend itself to seeking the delicate balance of empowering her as a mother, supporting her as a teen and as a teen parent, while still parenting her as your daughter? These are not easy questions. Answering them requires soul-searching and perhaps some uncomfortable honesty. But it is essential you honestly evaluate what you are and are not able to do so your daughter can consider this information when making her decision.

Both you and your child may experience some measure of grief. Grief if the pregnancy is ended, grief if the child is placed for adoption, and grief for a childhood altered if your child chooses to raise the baby. It will likely help both of you to know your child made the best, most informed decision she could. Explore ways to process this grief, and create space to do so. There may not be any customs or rituals in our culture that make a space for this sort of pain, but that does not make it any less real. Rather, it becomes even more important to work through this pain with intention. When grief goes unresolved, suffering may be greater, and there may be an increased desire to cope by finding something to mask or fill that painful space. This “something” may be a positive coping mechanism, but it could also be something harmful such as substance abuse or risky behavior.

You may be also wondering how you can help your daughter prevent another pregnancy. Grounding her until she is 30 is not a good strategy. Instead, I encourage you to help her learn to set appropriate boundaries, find a no-nonsense birth control plan (offer guidance, but this decision should also be hers), and practice ongoing open communication.

This is not the end of her world, or yours. There will be joy again.

I believe in you both.

In the bestselling book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, Dr. Mary Pipher discusses the negative impact adolescence can have on young women. She observes that before girls hit adolescence, they are free. Relatively unaffected by the demands society places on them due to their gender, especially the pressure to be attractive, they are not afraid to express their true selves.

But in adolescence, the desire for acceptance can result in an endless struggle to look the “right” way, wear the “right” clothes and be accepted by the “right” crowd. These pursuits may increase the risk that girls lose a large part of their true selves. In fact, Pipher argues that these pressures often lead girls to a dramatic realization: they must make a choice between being themselves and being accepted.

Consider the character Ophelia from Shakespere’s Hamlet. She begins the play as a young girl, happy and free, unaware of the demands she will face as a young woman. When Ophelia hits adolescence, she follows the allure of romantic love and falls for Hamlet. Because of her love for him, she lives to please him. At the same time, she still wants to obey her father. When Hamlet refuses her because of her obedience to her father, grief overwhelms her, and she dies by drowning after falling from a tree.

“Something dramatic happens to girls in early adolescence,” Pipher says, comparing the lost selves of girls to the planes and ships that vanish in the Bermuda Triangle. “They crash and burn in a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle,” Pipher goes on to say, pointing to studies that show girls’ IQ scores to drop in adolescence. Their scores in math and science plummet similarly. “They lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks. They lose their assertive, energetic and “tomboyish” personalities and become more deferential, self-critical and depressed. They report great unhappiness with their own bodies” (Pipher, 1994, p. 19). [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

It’s essential for girls to understand their value should not be based on their sexual appeal. This awareness can help them hold on to their true selves. Pipher points out that it is during adolescence that girls begin to realize the emphasis on female attractiveness, to the point of objectification. “But girls today are much more oppressed. They are coming of age in a more dangerous, sexualized, and media-saturated culture. They face incredible pressures to be beautiful and sophisticated, which in junior high means using chemicals and being sexual. As they navigate a more dangerous world, girls are less protected” (p. 12). Girls who are aware of this emphasis on beauty, who are attempting to navigate these pressures, may no longer feel like a whole person. Instead, they may feel as if they are merely an object that must be pleasing to others. As a result, they may experience depression, anxiety, and general overwhelm.

How Can Parents Help Their Daughters?

“We can strengthen girls so that they will be ready. We can encourage emotional toughness and self-protection. We can support and guide them.” (p. 13).

The pain of losing their true selves is often too much for many teens to handle. To cope with this pain, they may turn to drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. They may self-harm or act out sexually. Teaching adolescents how to turn to positive coping skills instead of negative ones is key.

Parents play a critical role in the lives of their daughters. Pipher suggests that the most successful teens have parents who enforce rules but maintain a loving relationship. In the absence of a loving relationship, there is often rebellion.

Keeping a solid relationship with a teen girl can be challenging for parents, however. At a time when they may need the most help, teens often turn away from their parents and toward their peers. Though many parents might see this behavior as selfish, it is actually an appropriate part of adolescent development.

The pain of losing their true selves is often too much for many teens to handle. To cope with this pain, they may turn to drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. They may self-harm or act out sexually. Teaching adolescents how to turn to positive coping skills instead of negative ones is key.

This can be as simple as encouraging them to:

• Engage in physical activities (like sports or self-defense classes)
• Express their feelings (perhaps through art or journaling)
• Implement self-reward strategies
• Consider elements of a healthy relationship and understand aspects of an unhealthy relationship (this includes friendships and romantic relationships)

In addition to teaching adolescent girls how to cope, we must teach them that pain is a part of life. Our ad-saturated culture often socializes girls to believe that pain is abnormal and should be avoided at all costs, Pipher writes. If we are not happy, something must be wrong. But pain is a part of life. Not only does it help build our characters, it can give us the ability to help others in similar situations.

Dealing with mood shifts and distancing can be hard on parents. But understanding this developmental stage can go a long way in maintaining a positive relationship. Also, at this time more than ever, teen girls need other trusted adults in their lives, such as coaches, teachers, youth leaders, or therapists. These people can step in and provide guidance and sound advice to teens who distance themselves from their parents as part of typical development.

“Without some help, the loss of wholeness, self-confidence, and self-direction can last well into adulthood. Many adult clients struggle with the same issues that overwhelmed them as adolescent girls” (p. 25).

The good news is this: adolescence doesn’t last forever. It is a temporary stage that can be handled successfully. In fact, Pipher believes that girls who are able to maintain a sense of wholeness and hold onto their true selves during this time will become healthier and more well-adjusted young adults.

I highly recommend this book to all teen girls and their parents or mentors. If you would like to learn more about therapy for adolescents, or think your daughter needs more help than you can provide, I encourage you to seek support from a trained therapist or counselor. [amazon_affiliate]

Reference:

Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the selves of adolescent girls. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

A few months ago, I identified and acknowledged one of my biggest stressors in raising young children: mealtime. The constant battles during meals, nagging the kids to stay at the table, concerns about whether they are getting enough nutrition, inability to eat in peace amid the many requests, and frustration regarding all the food and spilled drinks on the floor are painful enough.

Worse is managing these things while fielding the judgmental voice of my mom, in person or in my head, critiquing my parenting decisions and expressing disdain over the audacity I would “let the kids go to bed hungry.”

I know I have good instincts when it comes to raising kids. And my training in child development lends itself to having knowledge and tools that prove useful. Yet I found myself second-guessing my decisions and feeling stressed about feeding my children. I began to realize I was allowing unsolicited advice, critical comments, and a stream of perceived judgment to get under my skin and negatively impact my mood.

My mom and her mom—both wonderful mothers and grandmothers—come from a line of women who believe in spoon-feeding and stuffing babies until they are fatter than Thanksgiving turkeys. They’ve spent hours on end tricking toddlers into taking yet another bite. Although my kids were growing normally and were above average in the height and weight percentiles, I found myself falling victim to the suggestion that, somehow, I was not feeding them properly or enough.

[fat_widget_right]

I began to realize how much I dreaded meals, especially dinner, not only because of the tedious routine involved in preparing meals and getting kids to eat them, but also because of the way I wound up feeling like a failure because of my kids’ (ages 4, 2, and 6 months) inability to sit politely at the table while graciously gobbling up every bite. Sick of feeling defeated every evening, I signed up for a lecture on mealtimes with toddlers that was being offered through our preschool.

I listened with relief (and a slight sense of smugness) as the presenter confirmed that much of the advice recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics was consistent with my line of thinking when it comes to feeding kids. She confirmed it is normal for children to have day-to-day and meal-to-meal appetite changes. Not only do their appetites vary in terms of how much they eat, their interest in certain foods can flip-flop at the drop of a hat. It’s not worth getting frustrated or arguing with your child over the fact he loved black beans last night yet refuses to touch them today. And if your kid eats 10 chicken nuggets for lunch today but nothing all day tomorrow, that’s okay. Experts recommend we look at children’s nutrition over the course of a full month rather than at every meal, daily, or even from week to week.

It was useful for me to be reminded that kids’ stomachs are quite small and don’t need as much food as we may think. Contrary to my well-intended mother’s conviction, a child will not die from skipping a meal; in fact, it’s normal for a child to sometimes be disinterested in food all day. She will eventually make up for it with a huge appetite another time. As long as children eat well at some meals, it’s okay if they barely touch their food during others. Keeping this in mind allows me to let go of much of the frustration that was ruining my meals.

More important than ensuring children eat every bite is avoiding power struggles related to food. When we force children to eat when they are not hungry or interested, or when we insist, “You must be hungry, you need to eat,” we inadvertently set them up to ignore their own body signals. Children need to learn to recognize, trust, and listen to their hunger cues—to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. When we force kids to eat, bribe them, or create the expectation they must finish everything on their plates for us to feel proud of them, we set them up for struggles later in life. Eating disorders, overeating, and using food as a coping mechanism may develop as ways to self-soothe and cope with stress.

Rather than nag children about eating, we need to teach them lessons about nutrition and food and then allow them to make choices. This sometimes means learning the consequences of poor decisions. For example, you might explain, “I’m worried that if you don’t eat your dinner, you may be hungry later,” allow them to decide whether they eat, and let them experience the consequence of feeling hungry later if they refuse dinner. This helps them to learn.

When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.

Being consistent with meals and snacks helps children to know what to expect and learn to regulate their appetite. Experts recommend that adults eat with children as often as possible and that everyone eat the same meal. No short-order cooking or making separate meals for kids. Caregivers should control the specifics of meals—the what, when, and where regarding food being served—but children should be allowed to control what they eat off their plates and how much. That’s right—children can refuse to eat specific foods and decline taking even one bite. Parents should choose healthy foods and ensure that at least one item per meal is something the child likes.

In our house, I recommend everyone try at least one bite of each food, even if they think they don’t or won’t like it. We talk about how taste buds change, and I allow the kids to spit the bite into a napkin if they don’t like it. Hard as it may be, I also try to remember that it’s normal for them to not sit still, to play with food, and to make a mess. Depending on age, it’s all part of learning about their world, developing hand-eye coordination, testing limits, and becoming independent.

When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.

To recap and give some additional advice I found helpful:

• Do not engage in power struggles or use food to control behavior. This sets kids up to ignore their hunger cues and to associate food with reward and punishment. Instill the message that your job as a parent is to provide healthy food. Reinforce “this is what we are having to eat tonight” but let children make choices regarding what and how much they eat.
• Avoid snacks and drinks too close to meals. Snacking or drinking too much, especially milk, can make children fill up quickly and thus be uninterested in meals. Space snacks out and limit milk intake so children have an appetite at mealtime.
• Look broadly at children’s nutrition rather than stressing about what they eat at each meal. Ensure that children are getting a well-balanced diet overall, but know it’s normal for their appetite to wax and wane, especially after age 1 when their rate of growth rapidly declines.
• Involve kids in meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and setting the table. When kids feel involved in the process of preparing and serving food, they not only learn invaluable lessons, they may feel more invested in eating.
• Make sure kids try new foods, including a lot of colors and textures. Kids are naturally curious. Unfortunately, kids’ menus tend to include the same, old offerings—chicken fingers, grilled cheese, and fries. The more you can introduce new and diverse foods, the more open your kids may be to new things.
• Do not use dessert as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. This sets kids up to have unhealthy associations with food and sweets that can lead to later difficulties with overeating, overindulging, or using food as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
• Dessert doesn’t always have to be cookies, cake, and ice cream. Some nights, the dessert could include yogurt, fruit, or banana muffins.
• Make meals fun! Read books (especially one on manners) during dinner with the kids, use table-talk cards with questions to initiate conversations, and come up with silly games to play as a family while you eat. Experts recommend avoiding distractions, including TVs and gadgets, during mealtime. But bending the rules so adults can enjoy meals at a restaurant every now and then is okay.

It was validating to step outside of the chaos of my kitchen and hear that my “laid-back” way of handling mealtimes was, in fact, in line with recommendations by the “experts.” Following the presentation I attended, my husband and I sat down with our kids and explained we were going to make some family rules around mealtime. Together, we created a list of rules to make meals more enjoyable for us all. In hopes it inspires your own transformation out of chaos into “hectic but good family fun,” I share with you my family’s list of mealtime rules:

• Kids help set the table when a grown-up asks for help.
• Kids come to the table quickly when a grown-up calls them to eat.
• Grown-ups are in charge of what food to serve at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Kids are in charge of what and how much they eat. Kids can choose their own food during snack times or if a grown-up asks what they want to eat.
• Everybody should try a bite of each food, even if they think they didn’t like it last time. If you don’t like something, you can spit it out (in a napkin) and don’t have to eat any more of it this time.
• Everybody listens to their body to know how hungry they are and when they are full.
• We can play talking games, tell jokes, and talk about our days during dinner. Television and iPads are okay only when grown-ups say so.
• Kids stay at the table and in their chairs, even if they are not hungry or are done eating, until the grown-ups say they can leave.
• Kids clear their plates and help wash dishes if a grown-up asks.

Raising toddlers can be a wonderful, though trying, experience. Don’t let mealtimes drag you down. By avoiding tension and frustration related to eating, you can make meals a more pleasant and valuable experience for everyone.

If you’re struggling as a parent, don’t hesitate to contact a licensed counselor who has experience with child and adolescent issues.

Reference:

Toddler – Food and feeding. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/HALF-Implementation-Guide/Age-Specific-Content/Pages/Toddler-Food-and-Feeding.aspx