I work daily with people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Some grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent. Others are married to someone with narcissism. Still others may simply have a close relationship with a person who is emotionally abusive and has traits of narcissism.

Despite their unique personal circumstances, they are all are seeking help to address and heal from the effects a narcissistic relationship has had on their lives. They generally come to therapy looking not only for help, but also for answers to their questions. In this article, I address eight of the most common questions I am asked by people seeking support for narcissistic and emotional abuse.

1. How do I get my parent/partner/best friend to change?

You cannot change another person. You can only change your own actions and responses, and that can be hard enough! Instead of trying to get someone else to change, I encourage you to simply let that person be who they are. A person who does not want to change will probably not change. Your job is to take care of yourself.

2. How can I keep my children from being hurt by someone with narcissism?

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Children tend to be influenced by the people they are around. If you are concerned about your co-parent’s actions and behavior, or if you have reason to believe they are consistently lying and attempting to manipulate your children, you may be dealing with parental alienation syndrome. Some parents with narcissistic traits use this complex form of covert manipulation as a tool to encourage children to reject the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome shares similarities with brainwashing and can have a serious impact on the parent-child relationship.

If you are the other parent in this scenario, then this can be a challenging situation. The best approach to dealing with this type of abuse is to limit the other parent’s influence on the child. If that not possible, here are some suggestions:

1. Teach your children critical thinking skills.
2. Demonstrate a safe, empathic, non-controlling relationship with your children.
3. Focus on the relationship you have with your children. Try to be more “in tune” with your kids. Spend quality time with them.
4. Relax and enjoy yourself, your kids, and your life.
5. Be the adult. Don’t put yourself in the one-down position. Don’t put yourself in the same position as your children in the family system either.
6. Keep your power. Don’t give it to the other parent.
7. Seek support from a therapist or counselor. Family therapy can also be helpful.

3. What do I say to them when they text or call? 

If you are dealing with a person who is emotionally abusive or manipulative, going “no contact” may be the best solution. Block the person from your phone and on social media. This way you will not have to worry about receiving texts, calls, or messages. If you ever see the person while out, it may be a good idea to avoid them.

If you must talk to this person, keep conversations short, simple, and on topic. Hold on to yourself during the encounter. Don’t get sucked in by attempts to manipulate you. If possible, consider including a third person in the meeting. Ideally, this person is someone you trust to remain non-combative, whose presence can help you remain grounded.

4. How do I handle or respond to the silent treatment?

The best thing to do with the silent treatment is to avoid it. If you know someone you care about is prone to manipulating you with the silent treatment, then you can simply avoid it by staying away from the person when they attempt to use silent treatment. Being in contact with someone who has narcissistic traits is often complicating and confusing. The silent treatment is a powerful manipulation tool. It is a hurtful control tactic. People experiencing silent treatment may feel like they have to do whatever the narcissist wants in order to establish connection again.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal.

If it is not possible for you to avoid this person, one solution may be to leave the room if you are pointedly being ignored. Surround yourself with safe people instead. The best way to counteract the silent treatment is to take your focus off the other person, connect to someone else, and move on. It may help to remind yourself that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is not something you “earned” or “deserved” for something you did or did not do.

5. How do I co-parent with a narcissist?

It is, in most cases, extremely difficult to co-parent with someone who has narcissistic traits. Collaboration and cooperation is often not possible. You have to parent in spite of the fact that the other parent has “issues.” Some people feel as if their children really only have one parent, as in many cases people with narcissism may not be capable of healthy parenting. It’s important to have a support system, especially if, for whatever reason, you have to continue to see and parent with the person (shared custody, for example). A therapist or counselor is often a key part of this support.

6. How do I break free from a narcissistic relationship?

People with narcissism are often described as addictive. The constant cycle of good-bad behavior can create a trauma bond.

The “addiction” to the person with narcissism is really an addiction to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding within the relationship. When a relationship is unfulfilling, you may be left with a constant state of emptiness. This emptiness is temporarily relieved by each positive encounter with the person. In order to overcome this, it may be necessary to entirely abstain. But this can be a difficult journey.

When a relationship feels fulfilling and good, chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins are released in the brain. But chemicals released when trying to detach from a toxic bond, such as cortisol (the stress hormone), are vastly different. They do not feel as good as the “love chemicals,” and you may feel drawn back in to the relationship.

Remind yourself that you may not feel very good for a while. You may experience feelings of withdrawal and grief. But you will heal in time. Turning to friends and family, other members of your support system, practicing self-care, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor are all ways you can work through a difficult breakup.

7. How do I heal from growing up with a narcissistic parent?

Children of narcissistic parents have been developed and conditioned to always evaluate reality based on external reactions. They have learned to use the narcissistic parent as the barometer for how to act and be.

In order to healing to take place, learning to change the vantage point for your identity is an essential step. In other words, it’s important to remember to look within for answers. This shift from what you’ve learned to do in childhood will typically take time and practice to master.

Here are some suggestions to help you on your journey:

• Find your voice.
• Learn how you may have dissociated and/or developed “sub-selves” to cope.
• Work to develop an inner compassionate voice.
• Create self-care mantras: “You are enough.” “You’re not responsible for their feelings.” “It’s not your fault.”
• Connect with safe people, and share your emotions and feelings with them.
• Find a good therapist (who can help you with all of the above).
• Join a support group, such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics.)

8. How do I recover from estrangement with my child?

Parents who have been affected by parental alienation may be estranged from their children. This can be very painful. Your emotional energy may be expended in wishing your child would realize the truth and reach out to you for reconciliation. You may feel hopeless or experience grief, depression, or despair.

A counselor can support you and help you work through your feelings. It can also help to:

1. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault.
2. Live the best life you can.
3. Keep lines of communication open.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be abused by your child.
5. Listen with empathy when and if your child talks to you. Allow them to state their feelings or the truth as they believe it, but do not tolerate disrespect.
6. Practice self-care. This can include spending time with loved ones, getting enough sleep, avoiding sad or triggering situations, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy, among other things.
7. Offer your love to others. In other words, you have emotional energy to expend in loving ways. Don’t hold it in.
8. Try not to give up hope. It can help to live each day with a heart that is open and ready for reconciliation. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal. I encourage you to seek support through this difficult journey. Reach out to your loved ones, and seek the help of a compassionate counselor. You are not alone!

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References:

1. Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare. New York, NY: Archer Publishing.
2. Carnes, P.(1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free from exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
3. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA:  Oaksong Press.
4. Cori, J. L. (2017). The emotionally absent mother: How to recognize and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. New York, NY: The Experiment, LLC.

Covert narcissism, which tends to be expressed in passive or indirect ways, differs from what most people might imagine when they hear “narcissism.” Those with traits of covert narcissism may seem shy or overly sensitive, but this apparent self-effacement typically masks grandiose thoughts and an internal sense of superiority, or belief that one is better than others. This form of narcissism may be more subtle and less easy to recognize.

Along these lines, a mother who has traits of covert narcissism may appear, on the surface, to be self-effacing and self-sacrificing. Everything she does is for the benefit of her children. The community sees a parent who is room mom, PTA president, or sanctified Sunday school teacher. Her social media presence may rival that of a minor celebrity! At every game, activity, and lesson, Mom is involved in her daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that Daughter is never allowed to make any decisions on her own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter is seen by most as something that is “all good,” but a more careful look reveals this is not the case.

The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy for both of them. In this case, it is the needs of the mother, not the daughter, that are the central driving force in the relationship. [fat_widget_right]

Covert Maternal Narcissism Through the Life Cycle

When a mother-daughter dynamic is affected by the mother’s covert narcissism, the impact of this can be seen throughout the daughter’s life. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter’s growing independence as a threat. Her defenses make it hard to take the losses and incorporate them at each developmental stage. Psychologically, she cannot withstand the losses involved in allowing her daughter to become more independent.

To counter this independence, Mom establishes herself and her own needs as primary, thus making it more and more difficult for her daughter to find her voice and claim her life for herself. In other words, the mother can be said to appropriate her daughter’s right to live her own life at each developmental stage. She isn’t doing this with “evil” intent. She is simply unable to let go of her daughter.

Here is how this dynamic can play out at each developmental stage, with the mother’s needs centered to forestall the daughter’s individuation:

• Infancy. Mom guards her role of primary caregiver jealously and has a hard time letting anyone else, including Dad, become special to Daughter.
• Toddler and preschool years. Daughter begins to exert independence, and Mom is displeased. She tends to resort quickly to punishment and is likely to shame any behavior she considers rebellious. When Daughter enters day care or preschool, Mom sends mixed messages, signaling to Daughter that she isn’t safe with anyone but Mom. Daughters usually have major separation anxiety at this juncture.
• Adolescent and preteen years. Mom inserts herself in all of Daughter’s friendships. She evaluates harshly any friend or friendship interaction, frequently forbidding her daughter to remain friends with anyone she doesn’t approve of. Different tastes in hair, makeup, clothing, and even music are all experienced as an affront to Mom. Major battles often are the result. There is no agreement to disagree, only discord and major standoffs.
• Teenage years. When Daughter begins to date, Mom sees boys as a major threat. What is normally a difficult time between mothers and daughters may escalate into a full-blown Armageddon.
• Marriage. When Daughter marries, Mom’s needs, taste, and preferences often dictate wedding plans. Decisions are likely to be mother/daughter decisions instead of decisions made by the couple, and Mom’s opinions usually prevail.
• Daughter’s first child. Mom’s first grandchild is a major event in her life, and she works hard to establish her importance as doting, adoring grandmother. She gives unsolicited advice and frequently demands she be included in important family decisions, acting as a partner to her daughter. As a result, the child’s other parent is frequently marginalized. Daughter may frequently hear from others, “What a saint your mother is. You are so lucky to have her help!”

In a functional mother/daughter relationship, it is normal for each of these stages of development to involve losses for both mother and daughter. However, mothers with narcissistic defenses often cannot take the normal developmental loss that would allow their daughter to individuate and separate in a healthy way. The daughters of these mothers often feel trapped in the role of “Good Daughter,” acting to fulfill an obligation they may not be fully aware of: filling the sense of emptiness Mom experiences. Daughters may not have the language to fully describe covert narcissism, or the behavior of their mothers, or how the dynamic affects them, but they may know “If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”—if Mom doesn’t feel happy and fulfilled, no one else can, either.

The Effects of Covert Narcissism

The impact of covert narcissism in the mother/daughter dynamic can be far-reaching, even when it goes unrecognized. Some of the people I’ve worked with in therapy are completely unaware of the pressure playing the role of Good Daughter exerts on them, though they feel the effects.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. 

Daughters trapped in the role of Good Daughter feel an intense pressure to make their narcissistically defended mothers look and feel good. In childhood and young adulthood, daughters may strive to fulfill this need through achievement, performance, and—above all—good behavior. The first priority is making Mom look like a great mom, not the growing independence and needs of Daughter.

As an adult, Daughter takes on the role of making Mom feel needed, relevant, and special. She labors under the pressure to fill Mom’s need to remain primary in her life, as Mom’s narcissistic defenses mandate this to be so.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. As a result, they may experience guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they struggle with internal conflict. Often, they may be unaware of the intrapsychic conflict behind their struggle. As they attempt to move toward independence, they may feel guilty or ashamed without fully understanding why. These daughters may also unconsciously sabotage their successes in order to keep their mother relevant.

In short, Mom’s emotions can crush the Good Daughter’s essential self and rule her life. The demands and pressures of the Good Daughter role underlie much of the anxiety and depression seen in women today.

How Can Mother and Daughter Heal From This Dynamic?

A daughter’s yearning—her need—to individuate and grow apart from her mother is in conflict with the competing desire to gain both her mother’s approval and the permission to separate psychologically. In a dynamic where the mother is narcissistically defended, this permission is unlikely to be granted. When a mother’s need to be relevant prevents her from letting her daughter go, her daughter is harmed, and she is also at risk for repeating the cycle with her own daughter.

Through psychotherapy, daughters can gain awareness of their internal conflict. The support of a trained and compassionate counselor can help them get in touch with their healthy striving for psychological independence and explore how to make this separation. By breaking free of the cycle of covert narcissism, the Good Daughter can empower her own daughter while healing herself.

Mothers with traits of covert narcissism can also benefit from psychotherapy, when they are willing to do the hard work it requires. Our culture does little to support mothers as they lose relevance in their daughter’s lives, but through therapy, mothers who struggle to let go can confront this difficulty and learn strategies to absorb, incorporate, and even grow from the losses they experience as their daughters grow and reach adulthood.

Note: This article refers specifically to the dynamic between a mother with traits of covert narcissism and her daughter. Parent-child relationships of any gender combination can be similarly touched by covert narcissism. 

References: 

1. Payson, E. D. (2009). The wizard of Oz & other narcissists. Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day Publications.
2. Miller, A. (1997). The drama of the gifted child, revised ed. New York, NY: Basic Books.
3. Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Roy Publishers, Inc.

Little research on narcissistic parental alienation exists, and many who have experienced this aspect of narcissism are desperate to find help. This article is written to address the issue from a psychological perspective only, in an effort to provide those coping with this situation with tips and strategies. However, it is also possible to seek legal assistance.

What Is Parental Alienation?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome refers to the psychological manipulation of a child by an alienating parent (the narcissistic parent). The manipulation typically results in the child’s rejection, disdain, and lack of empathy toward the other, targeted parent.

While parental alienation may occur even when narcissism is not a factor, for the purposes of this article, I will discuss parental alienation that has been instigated by a narcissistic parent.

If you are the “targeted” parent of this syndrome, or if you are trying to help a targeted parent, then the following strategies may be helpful.

You may have to engage, even if you prefer to avoid conflict.

Some of the alienated parents I’ve worked with have called this a battle, while others found this term too light and preferred “war.” Even when you don’t want to fight with your co-parent, their behavior may force you to take action to maintain custody or visitation of your children.

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You might have tried to collaborate with your co-parent. You might have suggested finding a therapist together and even tried bringing them to relationship or family counseling. But if the person with narcissism doesn’t want to participate in therapy, does not believe they have done anything wrong, or has no desire to change, you are unlikely to get very far. It helps to understand you do not have a “typical” situation on your hands. The person with narcissism may have already managed to manipulate or damage your sense of self in many ways. You might feel as if they have dashed your dreams for love and crushed your heart. What do you do now that they also seem bound and determined to take away the children you value more than anything else?

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children. You will have to figure out how to parent your children in spite of the feelings you have for the other parent and the feelings and behaviors they are demonstrating toward you.

A good place to begin is to figure out how to make peace with reality. It’s generally unhelpful to ruminate over the unfairness of it all, your feelings of hatred and hurt, or the fact things have become so difficult. You will likely have these negative thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but you may be able to better process them by talking them over with friends and family or your counselor and by keeping track of them in a journal.

Create a plan and develop your resources.

Dealing with parental alienation is not easy. It can be exceedingly painful when your children resist your attempts to connect or view you as the “bad” parent, which is often the case. In your hurt, or out of a wish to do what’s best for your children, you might wonder if it’s better to give up the fight. But this could mean giving up custody, your right to parent your own children or even see them as much as you’d like.

Battles cannot be fought alone. You will need many resources to navigate the difficult terrain that lies ahead. Some potential resources include allies, legal experts, strong boundaries, self-care strategies, a good counselor, parenting strategies, and personal strength. If a person is manipulating you as well as your children, the manipulation may reach a point where you feel as if you are unable to trust in your own reality. Having a friend or family member present when you need to have discussions with your co-parent may be a helpful way to stay grounded. A good counselor can help you explore the best ways to talk about the situation with your children and may also recommend family counseling.

It can also be helpful to join a support group for parents affected by parental alienation. If you can’t find one locally, you may still be able to find helpful resources and web support. If you can find people who’ve experienced similar situations, their advice may be helpful, at least as a form of support.

Develop a plan, with the help of your counselor and legal aid, to address and face and allegations that may be made against you. Do you have proof to counter claims you know to be lies? Track down proof. Keep a record of any incidents or contradictory statements, without engaging or participating in conflict with your co-parent. Arrange to have a friend or trusted family member when you meet your co-parent to pick up or drop off your children. This can be a good idea for your own well-being and safety, but a witness may also be useful in the event of a legal battle.

The bottom line is, having supportive friends and family can help you get through this challenge. You need these people so you can process your feelings, receive good counsel, and develop a plan to move forward.

Take good care of yourself.

I believe it’s especially important to remember to love yourself through this chapter of your life. Practice forgiveness toward yourself for small mistakes you may have made in the past, as a spouse or as a parent, and offer yourself compassion and understanding instead. If your relationship was characterized by abuse, remember that you are out of it now. Reminding yourself of your resolve to live abuse-free can be a good first step, but then remind yourself that this can extend to include any harsh self-criticism that exists within your own mind. Remember: self-compassion is essential for moving forward.

Your physical health is also important. To maintain good physical health, try to eat nutritious foods and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Be mindful of the link between emotional and physical health: having affirming, safe people in your circle of influence can help you stay positive and keep your wits about you. It can be even more difficult to withstand the pressure if you aren’t taking good care of your health—emotional and physical—so commit to making self-care a top priority.

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children.

If you are a religious or spiritual person, turning to spiritual or religious leaders in your community and the higher power you believe in can help you feel both stronger and not alone. Whether you meditate, pray, or connect in some other way, many find it beneficial to “fill” empty psychological reserves in this spiritual way.

Use wisdom.

Think back to strategies your co-parent may have used to manipulate you in the past and remember not to allow these same tactics to work on you now. It may be difficult to realize you are being manipulated as it’s happening, especially when you are primarily concerned for your children. Try to use your own feelings as a guide. Do you feel angry, confused, guilty, or ashamed? Take a moment to consider why you feel that way.

If you believe you are being manipulated, don’t allow yourself to react heatedly, but plan ahead for when the same strategies might be used with your children. Talk over your options with your counselor. Developing firm boundaries and sticking to them can help you avoid “traps.”

If, over the course of the relationship you had with your co-parent, you gained knowledge of the particular tactics they used—lying, gaslighting, boundary violation, anger, or playing the victim, to name a few–you may be able to use this knowledge, even if only to prepare and forewarn yourself.

You may feel anger and other similar emotions toward the other parent. You may have chosen to practice forgiveness. You may understand their actions stem from a mental health concern, such as narcissism. Regardless of how you think of the situation, it can be helpful to remain calm when dealing with the co-parent in person. Try to contain your emotions and feelings instead of giving them the reaction they may be seeking.

Know your weaknesses.

The other parent likely already knows your weaknesses, and they may attempt to use these against you.

I believe that the best way to counteract exploitation of your weaknesses is to know these weaknesses yourself. Be honest and open with yourself. If this is something you struggle with, it can help to explore this with your counselor. Developing your personal strength can help you learn to accept your weaknesses as part of you and embrace them. If there are aspects of these you can and would like to change, you can work on a plan to do so.

But even simply acknowledging your areas of weakness is a great exercise in self-acceptance. Once you can embrace your own fears and perceived faults, these things are likely to lose any hold they have on you. If you are okay with yourself, with all of who you are, it will be much more difficult for someone to use any aspect of your self against you.

Don’t lose focus on your strengths, either, as you consider your weaknesses.

Don’t compete.

Sometimes parents attempt to buy the loyalty of their child(ren) by pulling out all the bells and whistles when it comes to promises, gifts, and privileges. The parent may not explicitly state these things are exchanged for the children’s loyalty, but this is generally implied or clearly communicated non-verbally.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to compete, but instead, try to focus on yourself and your own parenting values. It is still important for you to understand the dilemma your children are facing. Without a full understanding of the situation, these bells and whistles are attractive to them. Understand this, and also the manipulative tactics at play.

What may bring you greater peace of mind than an attempt to compete with your co-parent is consideration of what you have to offer your children. What are your personal strengths and values? While they may not be tangible or have monetary value, “gifts” of intrinsic value will sustain your children throughout their lives:

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day.

1. Empathy
2. Validation
3. Love
4. Security
5. Stability
6. Kindness
7. Strength
8. Good role-modeling
9. Truth
10. Presence
11. Attunement
12. Healthy attachment
13. Abuse-free environment

Your children may not immediately recognize the worth of these values, but be constant in your demonstration of love and affection for them, and commit to practicing these values, even when it is difficult.

Enjoy your life.

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day. Notice the good things you do have and keep in mind the things in life you are thankful for, instead of focusing on the negative.

Another helpful practice is demonstrating resilience and confidence each day to your children. You do this by living these values, by genuinely showing your children your strength and love for them. Children may naturally gravitate toward strength. If you can show yourself and your children unwavering and positive strength through the process of living well, you may be able to minimize any damage caused by the other parent. This may, in fact, be one of the most important things you do for your children in the long run.

I hope some of these strategies are helpful as you attempt to manage the challenges that may come your way when co-parenting while experiencing parental alienation. Narcissistic abuse is often so personalized and insidious that it can be difficult for people who have not experienced it to fully understand how daunting and far-reaching it can be. Regardless of how much support you have, you may feel alone, as if other people in your life have no clue what you are up against.

But remember that you are not alone. Developing trust and faith in yourself, and prioritizing your well-being, can help you remain strong. If you aren’t already working with a compassionate therapist or counselor, finding one who has training or experience appropriate for your situation can also be of great benefit.

References:

1. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
2. Darnell, D. (2008). Symptoms of parental alienation. PsyCare. Retrieved from https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html
3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.

As a therapist working with people affected by someone else’s personality condition, I’m often asked the question, “How do I know if my partner is a narcissist or if they have Asperger’s?” This is an interesting question. I did some research in order to give justice to this topic.

For one thing, both are on a spectrum. Narcissism is a personality condition that ranges from mild to severe. In the most severe instances, the person demonstrates sociopathic tendencies or antisocial personality.

Autism also resides on a spectrum. It is a neurologically caused developmental condition. Prior to 2012, people with mild symptoms, considered “high functioning,” were identified as having Asperger’s syndrome. With the publication of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), this label disappeared, replaced by autism spectrum.

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Since mirror neurons are part of the brain’s social interaction system—involved with social cues, imitation, empathy, and the ability to decode intentions of others—some scientists have found that people on the autism spectrum have a dysfunctional mirror neuron system (University of California, San Diego, 2005). It appears mirror neurons also play a role in personality condition-related issues.

An emotionally neglectful childhood, involving parents who did not empathize, may result in narcissistic traits in adulthood. It has been suggested that this occurs because of under-utilized mirror neurons in childhood, which leads to dysfunctional mirror neurons in adulthood (Kellevision, 2015).

Here is a table depicting some of the similarities and differences between the two conditions. Can you see your loved one’s symptoms in either column? Could it be your loved one displays symptoms of both?

If Someone You Care About Is on the Autism Spectrum

If you are in a relationship with a person on the autism spectrum, it is helpful to know how to take care of yourself. Here are some tips:

• Be in the right “head space.”
• Take charge of your own life. It is helpful to be flexible and adaptable.
• Understand you have to do things on your own. Your partner will probably not be able to do the things that are important to you—at least not in a satisfying manner. Rather than getting upset by this, I recommend practicing acceptance. It is liberating to understand the situation and adjust yourself accordingly rather than expecting the situation to adjust to you.
• Realize you can teach a person on the autism spectrum how to be different. This will require patience and perseverance. Do not be satisfied with the status quo; instead, get in there and help your loved one learn how to relate to you in a healthy way.
• Recognize that if your partner hurts you, it is not intentional. Don’t take it personally and don’t be surprised. They do not do this to be controlling, feed their ego, or fulfill a personal need for superiority.
• Research and study autism and learn what you can to have compassion for your partner.

If Someone You Care About Has a Personality Condition

If you are with a person with a personality condition such as narcissism, then you may have similar unfulfilled relationship issues, as well as the added bonus of emotional abuse. Following are some suggestions for coping with this type of relationship:

• Observe the person’s behavior, don’t absorb it.
• Understand that people with narcissism do not cooperate or collaborate well; you will have to learn to be independent in this type of relationship.
• Do not expect the person to ever have empathy or compassion for you.
• Develop healthy, happy connections within other relationships. Don’t expect them in your relationship with the person with narcissism.
• Recognize that your partner may derive pleasure from hurting you. Why may be difficult to understand. Study the concept of “narcissistic supply” and you will discover that people with narcissism are “fed” by the reactions they get. It may help the person feel in control, superior, or powerful.
• Realize you may not be able to teach a person with narcissism how to be different. No matter how much patience and perseverance you have, you may discover nothing works to change the other person. You can only change yourself.
• Research and study personality conditions and learn to have compassion for yourself.

References:

1. Goulston, M. (2011, November 17). Just listen – Don’t confuse a narcissist with Asperger’s syndrome. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen—dont-confus_b_316169.html
2. Kellevision, (2015, August 6). Psychopaths, autism, empathy, and mirror neurons. Retrieved from http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2015/08/psychopaths-empathy-and-mirror-neurons.html
3. Oberman, K., & Ramachandan, V. (2007, June 1). Broken mirrors: A theory of autism. Scientific American. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/broken-mirrors-a-theory-of-autism-2007-06
4. University of California, San Diego. (2005, April 18). Autism linked to mirror neuron dysfunction. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050411204511.htm

It took FOREVER to finally leave the person in your life with narcissism, only to realize that once you made that fateful decision, your name became mud.

Your ex is not going to let you go without a fight. You’re going to be villainized like you never experienced before the breakup.

All your friends and family will hear how crazy, unbalanced, manipulative, and narcissistic you are. Your ex will be sure to strike first; you may not want to strike at all, but your hand may seem forced.

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The smear campaign of a person with narcissism can be so convincing. Since, throughout the relationship, you mainly kept your mouth shut about the problems you were having, no one really saw this coming. When your ex starts to talk negatively about you, with feelings of hurt and strong conviction, others may be inclined to believe what they hear. They had no idea how “crazy” you were, but now, if they think about it, they do remember the time you did x, y, or z.

Like many people with narcissistic qualities, your ex can be a master manipulator. They can turn on the sad eyes and tears, convincing everyone how dearly you are loved by them and how clueless they are about why it ended so abruptly. Maybe it’s menopause or a midlife crisis on your part. Obviously, something is wrong with you.

The smear campaign may even work with your children. The children have become so accustomed to an abusive relationship that the concept of scapegoating seems normal. Blaming and villainizing others has been modeled as acceptable. They may see nothing abnormal about making you a target of wrath. And since they love the parent with narcissism, they likely want to win their favor, which makes it all the more easy for them to join in the campaign.

The Anatomy of a Smear Campaign

Here’s how a good smear campaign works:

1. It generally contains an element of truth. For instance, if the person with narcissism complains you abandoned the relationship, well, this is true. They will likely go on and on about how all they ever wanted was to love you and stay with you, but you, in your evilness, flippantly left the relationship—for no reason other than you don’t care about anything other than yourself and can’t keep your commitments.
2. It is done with implication. The person with narcissism may say something like, “I don’t want to sound mean, but certain people, who shall remain nameless, have me worried.” The person with narcissism may imply that, no matter how hard they have tried to help you or deal with your issues, you are irreparable. Some people—you being one of them—are just hopeless. Implication can be a very effective tool. Those listening come to their conclusions about you based on this subtly nefarious input.
3. It is also done overtly. Sometimes the person with narcissism just comes right out and says it: you are a no-good lunatic! They will tell story after story about all the awful things you’ve done. They will take every vulnerability you’ve revealed to them and use it now, along with made-up information, to tarnish your reputation and slander your name.
4. It is relentless. No one holds a grudge quite like a person with narcissism. They can carry a silent treatment to the grave just as well as they can carry a smear campaign. They are relentless. You may be shocked and dismayed by the battleground you find yourself navigating. Never have you encountered such an enemy.

How to Deal with Narcissistic Attacks

What can you do if you find yourself in this position? Here are some tried-and-true suggestions from those who have gone before you:

• Learn to value yourself above anyone else’s opinion. The only way a smear campaign can work is if you allow it to. If people choose to go along with false accusations about you, then yes, it hurts—but you don’t have to let it destroy you. You can learn to not care what others think about you.

Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.

• Remember why you left the relationship in the first place. You were devalued and discarded. You did not leave to continue to be disrespected by others. If others are going to jump on your ex’s narcissistic bandwagon and join their hater campaign, simply walk away and remind yourself that you deserve respect.
• Resist the urge to defend yourself. While this may be easier said than done, it is an important concept. Remember when you were in your relationship? You likely felt defensive often. You probably tried to explain yourself thousands of times, to no avail. You ended up being caught in all kinds of “gotcha” traps. So now that you’re out of the relationship, understand that this person continues to try to control your emotions in similar fashion—causing you to doubt your motives, your good nature, even your sanity. Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.
• Make a preemptive strike. In other words, make friends with your “enemies.” Let them get to know you personally. It’s a lot harder to hate someone you know well. If you can befriend the people your ex is targeting for their campaign, you may be able to affect some damage control. If the people being targeted are family (including your children), tell them your side of the story. Let them know you are the target of a smear campaign and to not believe what your ex is saying about you. Inform them your ex is creating “spin” to the point that what they are saying is fiction and a waste of time to believe. Be forthright, convincing, and firm. State your side once, then let it go.
• Spend your time well. No matter what others think or do, you really have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself. Regardless of what others do with their thoughts and actions toward or against you, you cannot control them. You may be able to influence them, but that is all. Don’t spend a lot of your precious energy trying to make others see the truth. Spend time with people who don’t judge you—those who value you and help you feel supported and loved. Enjoy your life!

Parental alienation syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the 1980s, describes a condition—usually generated in the context of divorce or child custody disputes—in which a parent creates an alliance with their child against the other (non-abusive, nurturing, protective) parent. The child, influenced in part by the alienating parent, contributes to the dynamic by denigrating the targeted parent.

Parental Alienation as Created Drama Theory

According to Dr. C.A. Childress, attachment-based parental alienation is created when a person with narcissistic tendencies gets their child to reject the other parent as a way to modulate the narcissistic parent’s anxiety. According to Childress, this anxiety is threefold:

1. Narcissistic anxiety: Tremendous anxiety over the threatened collapse of the narcissistic defense against the experience of deep personal inadequacy.
2. Borderline anxiety: Intense anxiety surrounding overwhelming fear of abandonment.
3. Trauma anxiety: Reactivated anxiety (emotional flashback) of childhood attachment trauma.

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In essence, the parent with narcissism is trying to resolve these anxieties by creating a drama involving themselves (the perceived “competent/good” parent), the other parent (the “abusive” parent), and the child (the “victim” of the “abusive” parent). (Quotation marks are used to emphasize these are perceptions being created by the person with narcissism.)

The other parent is pitted against their child in order to regulate the anxieties of the alienating parent. The parent with narcissism essentially uses the child as a regulatory object to assuage deep anxieties via this created drama, wherein the narcissistic parent gets to be perceived as the “normal” or “good” parent while “rescuing” the child from the other, “crazy,” alienated parent.

The created drama “resolves” the alienating parent’s childhood unconscious narrative of abuse whereby the person, as a child, had to split off their perception of the abusiveness of their own parent(s) from cognitive recollection—thereby divorcing themselves from having to feel the rejection of their own misattuned parent(s).

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

This shifts the alienating parent’s focus away from feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, replacing them with feelings of superiority, particularly relative to the other parent in the scenario. Thus, this reenactment of trauma is the alienating parent’s attempt to achieve psychological mastery over their childhood trauma narrative. In the pathologically created scenario, the child (perceived “victim”) gets to be rescued from the “bad” parent by the parent with narcissism, aka the “hero.” This artificially resolves the alienating parent’s own early attachment trauma.

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

When a child’s family experiences divorce or separation, the child typically experiences feelings associated with grief. The parent with narcissistic tendencies is able to capitalize on these negative feelings by attributing them to the so-called abuse of the other (non-narcissistic) parent. The alienating parent will wage war against their ex in order to temper feelings of rejection and inadequacy, using the child as a pawn.

Parental Alienation as Domestic Violence by Proxy Theory

Parental alienation syndrome is not recognized as a disorder within mental health or legal circles, and not everyone agrees it is a “thing.” Tina Swithin of One Mom’s Battle describes what occurs as domestic violence by proxy. In other words, the alienating parent is really just trying to abuse their ex by using children as weapons.

While the parent with narcissism, prior to divorce, could not have cared less about the children’s school events, etc., post-separation they act like “super parent,” showing great attention to activities previously ignored. This is impression management.

Domestic violence by proxy is a pattern of behavior rather than a set of specific actions. The underlying motives for abusers are power and control. While in the relationship, the abusive person can abuse in more ways than one, usually directly. Once separation occurs, the children become the most effective means of abuse.

According to this theory, the abuser knows they are abusing and the actions are specific and intentional. Other people, such as therapists, attorneys, or child protection agents, are often duped by the narcissistic person’s behaviors and may come out against the non-abusive parent. An abusive parent may even end up with primary custody of children as a result.

What an Alienated Parent Can Do

If you are the target of parental alienation, what can you do to protect yourself and salvage your relationship with your children?

Realize you must keep yourself strong and hopeful and do not become defeated. Be creative in your strategies, keep your energy strong, and never let your ex or your children know how victimized you feel. Many people with narcissism are to weakness as sharks are to blood. You may get eaten alive if you let your children or your ex know how defeated you feel.

Don’t let your fears keep you from action. Don’t catastrophize. Stay in the present and try the strategies below:

• Never react in anger. This only reinforces the alienating parent’s point of view you are unstable.
• Empower yourself. Do not allow yourself to take the position of helplessness. Persevere and never give up. Let your children see you believe in yourself.
• Live a victor’s life. Do not see yourself as a victim. Take care of yourself and live well.
• Stop triangulating. Do not put your children in the middle. Let your child love the other parent without influence.
• Take initiative in solving the problem. It may only get worse if you don’t, and no one else is going to do it for you.
• Document everything. For legal purposes, make sure you keep accurate records of any violations you experience with the alienating parent.
• Keep your cool. As mentioned above, any evidence you are upset can and likely will be used against you. Can’t you just visualize the other parent gloating, “I told you she was crazy”?
• Always take the “high road,” but be as sly as a fox in the process. Do not allow yourself to be unethical or naïve.
• Do not underestimate the parent with narcissism. They may stop at nothing to “win” this battle for their children’s allegiance.
• Be the best parent you can be. Incorporate a parenting style that balances discipline, clear family structure, and flexibility.
• Be an example and teacher to your children. Because they are exposed to narcissistic qualities, your children may have a skewed view of reality. Teach them healthy relationship skills, particularly empathy. In addition to this, teach them healthy morality and character development skills.
• Enjoy your children. When they are with you, be a safe presence for your children to relax with.
• Consider therapy. If the emotional toll becomes too burdensome, reach out to a mental health professional who can help you develop coping strategies and a plan of action.

References:

1. Childress, C.A. (2015, May 28). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
2. Major, J. A. (n.d.). Parents who have successfully fought parental alienation. Retrieved from http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm
3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.
4. Swithin, T. (2017, February 4). Domestic violence by proxy. Retrieved from https://onemomsbattle.com/2017/02/04/domestic-violence-by-proxy

“You’re such a narcissist!”

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying that to someone you love, you know it’s never a compliment. “Narcissist” can be an all-purpose put-down that calls someone out for being egocentric and grandiose, demanding praise and adulation, and being unable to appreciate the needs or emotions of others; it’s hard to see how anyone with these qualities could ever get along in a friendship or romantic relationship. And yet, according to the American Psychiatric Association, between half a percent and 1% of the American population—which is to say, up to 3.2 million people—currently meet criteria for narcissistic personality (NPD).

Under everyday circumstances, narcissistic behavior can destroy relationships, ruin marriages, and interfere with professional advancement. But the same traits we see in people with NPD may also be present, individually and more subtly, in many people—maybe even in everyone. That’s because narcissistic qualities might well be a necessary component of human development.

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Sigmund Freud himself argued, in an essay called On Narcissism, that an infant’s primal urge to survive exceeds its sense of other people’s independent existence, and therefore comprises a kind of “primary narcissism”—a limited, self-centered outlook on the world, into which other personalities have yet to intrude. From six months to about 6 years old, most children go through a stage like this, which could be seen as a way station on the road to developing an independent self. According to Freud, the pathological narcissism that sometimes develops later in life (which he referred to as “secondary narcissism”) results from a distorted exaggeration of healthy narcissism.

Later psychoanalytic theorists elaborated on, and sometimes disagreed with, Freud’s theory. Karen Horney didn’t see primary narcissism as a phase everyone goes through; instead, she believed narcissistic traits arose from a mismatch between the individual and caregivers. To Horney, parents who treat their child as if the child is deeply undervalued—or overvalued—may be nudging that child toward developing a narcissistic personality. By contrast, Heinz Kohut saw the grandiosity of pathological narcissism as something that arose from a child’s larger-than-life idealization of the parents. Kohut believed this grandiosity, later in life, would typically shrink to the size of healthy self-esteem. A third clinical theorist, Otto Kernberg, also focused on parents and their contribution to narcissistic pathology: he believed children develop self-esteem when they have become accustomed to being praised and validated by caregivers. A child then develops positive internal representations of the parents and, at the same time, a stable and positive internal self-concept.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

All these post-Freudian thinkers focused, at least in part, on the parent-child relationship as necessary to building self-esteem. Chief among the responsibilities our parents hold may be narcissistic validation or affirmation, which could be defined as the experience of having your whole self, and your feelings, treated as real and important by someone you care about. Validation is what we internalize as we grow up, so we can develop the ability to value ourselves. Like many things, narcissistic validation is beneficial—and necessary—in moderation. We need it most when we’re children; it’s our parents’ job to notice how we’re feeling (i.e., hungry, tired, or unhappy) and to respond appropriately (with food, the nap-time ritual, or just a hug). If a child is not well validated by the parents—and thus comes to believe their feelings are not important or will always be ignored by significant others—the child may learn to compensate and adapt by developing a psychological shell of brittle, exaggerated narcissism.

As we mature, the validation we seek continues to provide crucial interpersonal feedback, informing the way we make friends, fall in love, and come to know ourselves. We surround ourselves with people who value our good qualities, which can create a positive feedback loop. This feedback—this prosocial, mutually beneficial style of narcissistic behavior—comes into play when parents become their “best selves” when raising their children, or when people who crave others’ attention are able to reward that attention with cheer, kindness, or good humor, cementing friendships. Usually, the development of realistic and positive self-regard, along with an affirming self-concept strong enough to temper negative feedback, works to stabilize self-esteem in most adults. Truly mature self-esteem consists in the ability to self-validate, to regulate self-concept without depending on others’ praise, and to accept criticism without becoming defensive.

Regardless of whether you’re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it’s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when “narcissist” is used as a casual insult.

There is no question narcissistic behavior can be problematic. At the extreme end of the narcissism continuum, it can enable and perpetuate abuse. But perhaps more widespread knowledge and insight into the narcissistic needs of children and adults can help turn the label “narcissist” into something a bit more complex. We might even begin to see other people’s basic narcissistic demands as the reasonable human needs they often are.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., Text Revision). Washington, DC: APA.
2. Freud, S. (1991). On Narcissism. In Sandler, J., Person, E. S., & Fonagy, P. (Eds.), Freud’s “On Narcissism:” An Introduction (IPA Contemporary Freud: Turning Points & Critical Issues). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.
3. Horney, K. (1950, reprinted 1991). Neurosis and human growth (2nd edition). New York: W.W. Norton
4. Kernberg, O. F. (1985). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
5. Kohut, H. (1971). The analysis of the self: A systematic approach to the psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders. New York: International Universities Press.

Are you in an addictive relationship with someone? Would you like to break free from your bondage and feel inner peace? Do you want to stop the obsessions, break the cycle of seeming insanity, and take back your life?

Then read on.

Addictions come in many forms. An addiction to a person involves obsessive thoughts about the relationship, feelings of hope, anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation. Addictive relationships are toxic and very powerful.

Healthy relationships do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. Healthy relationships just are. When in a nonaddictive relationship, you simply know your loved one is available to you. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last or next encounter.

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The first step in recovery is to face the truth. Identify your toxic person as the “drug” of sorts you are addicted to. Before you can break any addiction, you need to own the reality you have one. Acknowledgment is the beginning of your journey toward recovery.

To help you face the truth, get out your writing pad and begin the process. Start by writing the following:

• Identify your feelings regarding your addictive relationship.
• Identify the relationship “crazy cycle.” For instance: anticipation – encounter – momentary bliss – confusion – departure – longing – despair. This is just an example; identify the cycle within your own relationship.
• Write down what is being fulfilled in your addictive relationship (a sense of belonging, feeling wanted, etc.). Notice the temporary “fix” you encounter when you are with your person; identify the “promise” or “hope” temporarily being fulfilled.
• Write down the common obsessive thoughts you have regarding your person.

Once you have faced the truth, commit to yourself to live in the truth—to live in reality, no matter the cost. Recovery requires living in truth over living in fantasy. Addictive relationships are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was, not what they are.

You are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding surrounding the relationship. Because the relationship is so utterly unfulfilling, you are left with a constant state of emptiness, which is temporarily assuaged with each encounter with your object of obsession (the person).

It is a vicious cycle.

Once you have identified your thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your relationship, it is time begin abstention (if you haven’t already done so). You must abstain from your addiction. You can abstain in one of two ways:

1. Abstain from the relationship completely (no contact); this includes texts and social media.
2. Abstain from and emotional entanglements; this requires detachment.

This will be a very difficult part of your journey. The brain chemicals released when trying to detach are vastly different from the neurotransmitters and hormones released when you are with your loved one. The main chemical released during times of stress (including emotional stress) is cortisol. Any trigger (such as the loss of a loved one) releases chemicals from the noradrenergic system (which includes the release of cortisol and norepinephrine).

As you face another emotionally dysregulating departure from your loved one, your stress system goes into high gear, releasing stress chemicals in your body, which motivates you to “do something about this!” As you anticipate the relief from the stress, your brain releases chemicals such as dopamine, which offer that positive feeling of anticipation. You have entered the craving part of your addiction.

In order to break an addiction, you need to realize you are fighting these chemical responses. This means you will not feel good for a while. But rest assured, if you can abstain from responding to your brain chemistry, you can get through these tough times and your neurotransmitter system will eventually come to rest at a state of equilibrium.

Some suggestions for what to do while you are in this “craving cycle”:

• Find a positive diversion or distraction—gardening, walking, meditating, or any other healthy activity.
• Do something nonaggressively physical, such as hiking, biking, jogging, weight lifting, etc.
• Connect with someone healthy. Talk to a close friend and let them know how you really feel.
• Write in your journal. Journaling is effective for releasing uncomfortable emotions. Write how you feel and what you want. Encourage yourself in your journal.
• Create positive mantras to help you get through the craving cycle. Encourage yourself and don’t allow yourself to obsess on self-defeating thoughts.
• Write a list of all the reasons your addictive relationship/person is bad for you. It is easy to focus on what you miss when you are experiencing feelings of emptiness, but if you can focus on the negative aspects of your relationship, you can gird yourself up with reality.

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

The best thing you can do to help yourself on your journey of healing is to be proactive and set up a plan of emotional health “bottom-line behaviors” for yourself.

Here are some personal principles you can internalize to help you do just that:

• I will trust my intuition.
• I will no longer participate in no-win conversations.
• I will no longer participate in impossible situations.
• If I feel bad around someone, I will remove myself.
• I will no longer make every decision a crisis.
• I will live one day at a time.
• I will learn to reframe negative experiences. In other words, I will look for the “silver lining” in all situations.
• I will learn how to manage my emotions rather than have them control me.
• I will take my power back.
• I resolve to believe in myself.
• If I feel emotionally unstable, I will connect with a safe person, not the object of my obsession.
• I will have self-compassion.
• I will honor and pay attention to my feelings.

Recovery from any addiction, including a relationship addiction, is hard but worthwhile work. You can do this through perseverance, hope, self-discovery, and grace. The best way to accomplish any long-term goal is to do it one step and one day at a time. Don’t scare yourself by thinking beyond today. Live each day as it comes and take the next indicated step on your journey to healthy living.

For compassionate guidance, seek the support of a licensed therapist in your area.

Many people are simply not educated on the concept of the “narcissistic wound,” also known as the narcissistic injury, and are in for a wrath beyond comprehension when they offend a person with narcissism.

When offended, a typical person might experience hurt feelings or feel insulted or angry. However, the offended person might ultimately talk it through with the individual who committed the transgression, with a willingness to repair the relationship and move on. This can take time.

In general, bonds are developed and strengthened through the process of “rupture and repair.” People learn to handle insecurities in a relationship by building trust over time as they see each rupture or conflict in the relationship eventually leads to a deeper connection or repair.

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Not so in the narcissistic relationship. Offending a person with narcissism can lead to immediate, lasting, and perhaps irreparable fallout.

When dealing with a person with narcissism, the rules are different. This is true in all aspects of the relationship, but for this article, the focus is on the narcissistic wound. These types of wounds are unlike other types of interpersonal ruptures. These differences are listed below:

Why People with Narcissism React Differently

Why do people with narcissism react so vehemently when threatened by a seemingly minor offense? The answer is complicated:

• Their grandiose views of themselves are threatened by perceived attacks. These grandiose views of themselves are necessary for their self-preservation. When threatened, they are not merely offended, but their entire sense of self is at stake. Their grandiosity was developed as an over-compensatory, albeit protective, means to defend the person from feeling any sense of vulnerability.
• People with narcissism do not operate within the realms of “normal” human interaction, but rather in a relational “barter system” that generates “narcissistic supply”—also known as narcissistic food—which includes admiration, attention, praise, accolades, being perceived as superior, being seen as special, or any other means of being viewed as “top dog.” When others feed them these types of “food,” people with narcissism may have a false sense of satisfaction, but they are generally never fully content because they are still lacking in true connection and intimacy with another.
  Whenever suppliers of narcissistic food fail to maintain their end of the barter system—which, by the way, is ultimately one-sided—people with narcissism experience a “wound” because their fragile and dysfunctional ego is left unfulfilled. Their feelings of dependence may get triggered as a result, and they may be incapable of facing any sense of need for another (perhaps because of early childhood attachment injuries).
• Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks. They are particularly sensitive to perceived negative attacks because they live in a pseudo-reality or delusional state about themselves in relation to others. They may genuinely believe they are superior to others, so when positive reactions come their way they may take them for granted.
  People with narcissism generally feel an inner emptiness and thus need positive input from others in order to maintain their delusional sense of reality. When anyone contradicts their fantasy views of themselves, they get close to those unbearable empty feelings and react strongly in order to stop their impending sense of inadequacy.
• People with narcissism tend to have a chronic inner rage. Most people experience anger, usually a response to a perceived threat of some kind. Anger helps us realize when we need to take action, and quickly. Usually when people are angry, they temporarily suspend their cognitive functioning and empathy to a large degree and tend to operate in immediate terms.
  Since they are continually full of rage (the flip side of their internal shame), people with narcissism may use any slight as an “excuse” to release some of the pressure of this inner rage/shame struggle. Since narcissistic wounds seem to be triggered by rather innocuous events, it is helpful to understand the true root of the problem is neither caused by the target nor solved by the reaction of the person with narcissism. The true root of the anger of a person with narcissism has to do with a deep-seated inner rage that is in place as a countermeasure to their deep-seated inner shame.

What to Do If You Are Involved in Narcissistic Wounding

Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.

Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.

If you are involved in a narcissistic insults or injury perhaps the best thing you can do is learn to step back and observe the person with narcissism with objective curiosity, making silent statements to yourself such as, “Wow, how interesting that this person is going completely ballistic over something so miniscule,” or, “Hmm, it’s a shame we can’t have a healthy conversation or resolve problems together,” then simply excuse yourself and go on with your day without reacting to the narcissistic person.

Of course this is not easy, but it’s a lot easier than involving yourself in the discussion and trying to reason with the individual. This may just set you up for verbal abuse. There will likely be no good end to that, as you both may end up saying and hearing regrettable things.

If the person with narcissism gives you the silent treatment in response to your having wounded them, you must learn to walk away. A person with narcissism can be expected to want to hurt you as you have supposedly hurt them.

The best way to cope with a person with narcissism is to understand they have a condition, one that manifests in creating a dysfunctional interpersonal relationship. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship with a person with narcissism. Once you accept this and learn to not need the person to change, you may be free.

The GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you if you looking for ways to have a healthy relationship with a person with narcissism. We have thousands of Therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

Gaslighting is in the news these days. In simple terms, to gaslight is to treat another person in a way that makes them doubt their own perceptions. We can see this behavior on a large scale with a manipulative politician who demands acceptance of his falsehoods, as well as in the very personal realm of the intimate relationship, when one partner’s narcissistic needs create the conditions and terms for partnership.

A woman under the sway of such a person—narcissism isn’t gender-specific, but I use a woman-man relationship here for narrative purposes—faces a difficult challenge in her attempt to break away. She may be told her version of the story is false and that she is wrong, even stupid, to believe it. She may be derided and condemned in proportion to the depth of the narcissistic wound experienced by her tormentor. She may depart with only one thing: her quiet hope that breaking away from this man will be better than staying, no matter how unimaginable and unpredictable the future might seem.

To leave, she may have to muster more courage than she has ever before needed. Her sense of who she is may collapse around her. It may take quite some time for her to sort out what has happened, to release the hold that guilt and shame have on her, and to begin to feel whole once again.

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What is the greatest long-term price such a woman may pay? To answer this question, a woman might benefit by looking back to the beginning of the relationship. It is paramount she do so believing she did the best she could at any moment, though her temptation will likely be to judge herself harshly for not having seen what may now be obvious to her.

Because here is the challenge: it is the insidious nature of gaslighting abuse that makes it so difficult to identify at the outset of a relationship. To be a victim of gaslighting is to be the legendary frog in a pot of water that is placed over a low flame. The water temperature rises gradually, imperceptibly. At a certain point, however, the frog will boil to death unless it can summon the strength to jump to freedom. To escape, it must be able to recognize its extreme distress. Gaslighting, however, gradually creates an environment in which awareness of one’s own feelings becomes less and less possible. Gradually, a woman learns to dismiss her own intuitive responses. She is subsumed into the narrative created by her partner, and her role in that narrative follows his script. She becomes an actor in someone else’s play.

Sometimes, it is a trusted friend who intervenes on a woman’s behalf by helping her see and believe how much she has changed, and not for the better, since getting involved with this man. Sometimes, it is a sense of being utterly lost. Sometimes, she comes to a decision to extricate herself only after a suicide attempt.

But there was likely a time when she looked to this man for love, comfort, harmony. She felt secure in what he told her about his feelings for her and about the nature of their mutual affection. It was her nature to believe him rather than to be skeptical, even on early occasions when things might have seemed a little off to her. She rushed to understand him. She placed her faith in him. He betrayed it.

By a thousand little acts of turning away from her, by subtle yet repetitive dismissals, by overt challenges to her right to think for herself, he betrayed everything she valued. And because she loved him, she allowed these little currents to build gradually to tsunami force, telling herself she was being too critical, or that he didn’t really mean it, or that she deserved such treatment for being so cold/mean/hostile to him. Her internal voices became as critical of her as anything her partner ever said. Even after a period of healing, and once she has begun to feel a semblance of stability re-enter her life, she can still be left with the residue of this betrayal.

She may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment.

The greatest price she may pay for her partner’s gaslighting is this: she now doubts her own judgment. She doubts her ability to see manipulation early enough to avoid repeating her costly mistake. She struggles to trust another partner. With this fear of extending trust once again, she risks sabotaging any future relationship due to apprehension about entering new trauma. If she begins to date again, she is circumspect. She wonders about everything her partner says. She looks for evidence of early betrayal, infidelity, lies. She becomes a person so consumed with a readiness to be betrayed that she kills any chance for a healthy relationship.

At this point, she may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment. This is where true healing can begin: she must see there is no such thing as deserving to be mistreated. There is no such thing as being wrong all the time.

In fact, there is no such person as the woman her former partner repeatedly told her that she was. That person was a fabrication, a creation of an imbalanced imagination. This phantom was projected onto her as someone he needed to dominate in order to assert his own importance, to give significance and meaning to his own poorly developed version of himself. Unchecked, he may spend his life creating these personas from the raw material of those who will love him in the future. And he may continue to create landmines and battlefields that leave them in as much pain and trauma as she, herself, once experienced.

It is time for her to embrace the embattled woman, the one who shouldered all the blame and harshness from a man with low emotional capability. For his own purposes, he poured her into a mold she neither chose nor fit. She can see this now. She can move forward with compassion for herself and guard her emerging awareness that she is the equal to any person of good faith, kind heart, and empathetic involvement in the lives of others.

She is worthy. By making a promise to safeguard this realization, she can trust herself to recognize the difference between someone who is present to her in all her glory and her faults, and someone whose emotional wounds might make him dangerous to her generous heart. She will be back in touch with the intuition that guided her life before she was derailed by the driving needs of her gaslighting partner.

This former partner has no further claim on her, once she sees clearly that the net he cast around her emanated from him and did not define her. She may not have realized it at the time, but she can now see clearly that all the tumult and the drama originated on his side, which is where she left it when she walked away from him.

She will love and be loved again. She does not have to wonder about the man who hurt her, as his path is of his own creating.

Just as her own will be.

People with narcissism live in a self-constructed world of double standards and distortions. That is a key reason dealing with someone who has narcissistic characteristics can feel confusing, frustrating, and draining. One way to cope with a person with unhealthy narcissism is to recognize the “game” of narcissism.

Some key paradoxes in people with narcissism:

1. Hypersensitive, Yet Insensitive

People with narcissism may easily play the martyr or fume at the smallest perceived slight. They may sulk when they’re not the center of attention or don’t get their way.

Yet should someone around them have a crisis, that person’s hurt and needs are often ignored, minimized, or ridiculed. If someone makes requests of them, the person with narcissism may become irritable or label the other “selfish” or “demanding.” And though their narcissistic behavior inflicts pain on those around them, they often seem clueless about it, acting mystified or indignant when the consequences of their actions are pointed out.

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2. Oppositional, Yet Intolerant of Opposition

Many people with narcissism seem to derive energy from saying no or opposing things. They may take delight in ruining another’s mood or special occasion. They tend to blame others for relationship problems; it’s about what you did that made them act a certain way. They may need to have an enemy, a vendetta, pursue legal action, write inflammatory letters, or seek revenge.

Yet should someone question them or call them to account for wrongdoings, they can become incensed or full of disbelief that anyone would oppose them. They may turn to personal attacks or distractions when another challenges them.

3. Demanding of Attention, Yet Unwilling to Reciprocate

People with narcissism tend to be attention vacuums. If positive behavior doesn’t bring the spotlight, they will easily switch to negative behavior to remain dominant.

Despite their pursuit of affirmation and admiration, they rarely dole it out. They may listen impatiently to others, waiting to bring conversation back to them. They may one-up others or compete with loved ones, almost as if any good that comes a loved one’s way takes away from the person with narcissism.

4. Emotionally Entitled, Yet Lacking Emotional Intelligence

If a person with narcissism expresses emotions, those feelings are often presented as sacred and unquestionable, necessitating worship or a full stop by others.

Yet when those around them express emotions, people with narcissism tend to treat others’ feelings as things to be changed, avoided, or ridiculed.

5. Quick to Blame, Yet Slow to Own Their Part

People with narcissistic behavior seem to relish finding scapegoats. Their own personal challenges or shortcomings, if even acknowledged, are often blamed on others. If they fail, it is someone else’s fault. (Though when they succeed, it is entirely to their credit.) If their actions bring pain to others or have great cost, they seem allergic to the words “I was wrong” or “I am sorry.” They may glorify rules and insist others follow them, yet freely break the rules when it suits them.

6. Worshipful of Status and Appearance, Yet Myopic About Their Flaws

People with narcissism may be fixated on who they know, associating with only the “right people” and having contempt for those they see as inferior. They may compulsively need to look perfect and be the best.

Yet if their physical beauty fades or their status wanes, they may distract, deny, or redouble their efforts to feel special and connected. They feel entitled to admiration and respect, rather than acknowledging that respect is earned and that gaining admiration takes hard work.

7. Needy, Yet Depriving

People with narcissism seem driven to pursue success, admiration, material possessions, or other proxies for self-worth. They may pressure or manipulate others.

While you may have to relate to people with narcissism, you don’t have to play their “game” or follow their rules.

Yet to those close to them, people with narcissism may be cold and disinterested, demanding obedience and threatening to disown others for opposing their wishes. They may splurge on unneeded material goods while criticizing others for wanting more than the bare necessities.

Because of these double standards, being in a close relationship with someone with narcissism can be exhausting. If you wonder whether someone close to you has narcissism, the following experiences are commonly felt by those in relationships with someone behaving narcissistically:

• Feeling trapped
• Feeling blindsided
• Confusion as to why someone who loves you would show so little empathy
• Feeling used and manipulated, yet helpless to stop it
• Hypervigilance
• Feeling emotionally unsafe
• Frustration or anger
• Feeling small, isolated, helpless, or hopeless
• Feeling unaccepted
• A need to hide your true feelings so as not to upset the other person
• Fatigue, sluggishness, or heaviness
• Feeling over-scrutinized
• Feeling part of a command performance
• Feeling not good enough
• Feeling unseen or unheard

While you may have to relate to people with narcissism, you don’t have to play their “game” or follow their rules. Healthy self-care in relationships with people with narcissism means:

1. Recognizing unhealthy narcissistic behavior
2. Gaining distance from those behaviors through perspective and action
3. Asking yourself, “At what cost?” At what cost do you tolerate or accept narcissistic behavior? At what cost do you change your own behavior to avoid others’ reactions?

Narcissism is difficult to diagnose and treat. As with all personality issues, the narcissistic traits a person possesses exist on a continuum. Not all people with narcissism are the same, and treatment approaches vary from individual to individual. This article is written as a basic guide for treating a person who either self-identifies as narcissistic, or one you identify as having narcissism.

Please note the steps below may need to be repeated over and over again, and not necessarily in order.

Step 1: Understand Narcissism

The therapist must be well versed on what it means to be in a narcissistic relationship. It is one thing to read about narcissism, another altogether to be in a close relationship with someone with narcissistic qualities. Many therapists have no idea how intoxicating, exciting, and heart-wrenching life with a narcissistic person can be.

Understand that the three main traits of narcissism are sense of entitlement, lack of insight, and lack of empathy.

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Step 2: Build the Therapeutic Alliance

The therapist must require two things from the therapeutic relationship with a person who has narcissistic tendencies: respect and collaboration. Respect for and collaboration with others is challenging—some might say impossible—for people with narcissism. They will be learning how to practice these interpersonal skills in real time, in vivo, in their relationship with the therapist.

Step 3: Identify the Defenses

The narcissistic person’s defenses come in the form of personality modes or personas (think multiple personalities, but different). The therapist must endeavor to help the person identify some of the protective personality modes they use throughout life. Here are some common examples:

• The critic
• The judge
• The detached persona
• The addict
• The womanizer
• The entitled one
• The victim
• The abuser
• The manipulator
• The rage-aholic
• The superior one
• The bored one

Note: This list is not exhaustive. Therapists should work collaboratively with each person to identify their unique defenses.

All of the above-listed personas are protective personalities that people with narcissism use for emotional protection. The two feelings people with narcissism tend to avoid at all costs are neediness and vulnerability.

Step 4: Identify the Underlying Triggers

The underlying schemas are what cause the need for the protective personas. Think of schemas as triggers or buttons that are pushed when someone causes what is known as a “narcissistic wound.” Here are some common triggers experienced by people identified with narcissism:

• Feelings of emotional abandonment
• Feelings of inner defectiveness
• Feelings of lack of control or security
• Sense of emotional deprivation
• Fear of ridicule or shame

Through both role modeling and psychoeducation, you can teach a person with narcissism about the need for re-parenting the early attachment wounds they have experienced.

It is difficult to identify these underlying triggers because you are working with someone who may have low insight and who may be emotionally “split off” or “blocked” from feeling these vulnerable and devastating emotions. You will likely encounter a protective mode before you will identify the underlying “root” of the problem. Understand that the primary emotional experience the person with narcissism is avoiding is a sense of shame. Rather than experience this sense of shame, the person “flips” into a protective mode.

It is important to help the person with narcissism to manage these underlying feelings of shame by teaching self-compassion and offering healthy self-soothing strategies. Also, as you remain in the relationship with the person, being present with them as they dare to “go there,” they will hopefully learn how to experience and process through relational “demons.”

Step 5: Develop an Inner Healthy Adult/Parent

The job of therapy is to help the person with narcissism learn to re-parent their inner hurt child. The inner child is responding to early attachment trauma or some other type of lack of emotional attunement as a child. Without going into a complete analysis of the causes of narcissism, suffice it to say a developmental component exists.

Developmentally, as a child, the person with narcissism was not properly emotionally regulated in the inter-relationship with the parent(s). This may have caused the child to develop “split off” protective personas as defenses to protect their inner sense of shame.

Teaching the person with narcissism to re-parent their inner hurt child, through the process of imagery, is effective and powerful for initiating healthy change in the person’s inner world.

Step 6: Heal the Inner Child

Even before a person with narcissism learns to re-parent themselves, you, as the therapist, can begin the process by trying to meet their inner hurt child and begin bonding with them. You can be a healthy role model, offering a “corrective emotional experience” for the person. Perhaps you are the only person who has ever been able to reach their inner child in a way that represents safety.

Through both role modeling and psychoeducation, you can teach a person with narcissism about the need for re-parenting the early attachment wounds they have experienced. They may deny they have any such hurts, but explain to them that their behavior “tells on them.” Do not argue with the person; rather, simply state and instruct what is happening.

Step 7: Develop a Recovery Plan

Not only is it essential to heal the inner world of the person with narcissism, it is also important to identify all of the person’s “bottom-line behaviors” and begin a “program of recovery.” In essence, treat the narcissistic symptoms as part of an addiction of sorts that needs to be put in remission.

Here is a list of some possible items to go on the abstinent (“no-fly zone”) list of the person with narcissism:

• Entitlement
• Blame
• Womanizing
• Substance abuse
• Yelling
• Silent treatments
• Dramatic exits
• Passive-aggressive behaviors
• Manipulation
• Defensiveness

Help the person identify their own “go-to” strategies for self-protection.

Conclusion

As you can see, helping a person with narcissism to heal is a challenging endeavor. While you are working within this relationship, make sure you take care of yourself. I will end by offering these final words of advice for self-care:

• Require and model respect.
• Consult often; debrief after each session.
• Exercise and take care of your physical health.
• Do not personalize the behaviors of people with narcissism.
• If you feel defensive, back off, take a deep breath, change something.
• Do not have a power struggle with the person you’re trying to help.

Remember: While it takes hard work to help a person with narcissistic qualities, there is little to be gained from working harder than they do.