Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.

Many times when I am working with people in therapy who are developmentally stuck, they end up sharing that, as children, they were the person their parent turned to as a confidant or for emotional support. Children put in this position may feel special or privileged because the parent is sharing adult information with them and/or is looking to them for support, creating a sense of closeness. However, given that the child’s needs are ignored in favor of the parent’s, there can be devastating long-term developmental consequences.

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Clearly, it is desirable for parents and their children to be close. However, in healthy parent-child relationships, parents prioritize their children’s emotional needs as opposed to children taking care of the parent’s emotional needs. When children are put in the position of meeting the emotional needs of a parent, it creates an unhealthy dynamic in which children essentially become the parents. The children are emotionally abandoned, in effect robbing them of their childhood.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

The Impact of Emotional Incest

Children who have experienced emotional incest may have great difficulty setting boundaries and getting their needs met as adults without feelings of excessive guilt. In addition, their relationship with their gender and sexuality can greatly inhibit their ability to maintain intimacy in adult partnerships.

Emotional incest can create an unhealthy sense of loyalty or obligation to a parent, which can result in a love/hate relationship between children and parents. Additionally, substance abuse, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and compulsivity around work, sex, and food are all potential outcomes.

Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”

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Healing from Emotional Incest

For those who experienced emotional incest as a child, there are several ways to promote healing. They include the following:

• Therapy or counseling: Find a counselor who specializes in childhood abuse, enmeshment, or codependency, and who focuses on the needs of survivors.
• Self-help meetings: Prior to participating in self-help meetings, it is important through the process of individual counseling to gain an understanding of what you are facing as a survivor of emotional incest. Once that happens, self-help meetings can be a valuable adjunct in the recovery process and in sustaining recovery. Self-help meetings that follow the 12-step model can be especially helpful.
• Journaling: Writing about distressing issues and experiences can be especially cathartic while confronting the dynamics of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, which often exist as a result of defense mechanisms created for emotional survival when emotional incest has occurred.
• Psychoeducation: There is a wealth of information and resources available that help educate and increase understanding about emotional incest. Knowledge is power. Gaining an understanding of what has happened and the impact it has on your life and relationships can be healing. One valuable resource for understanding and healing from emotional incest is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners and When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Dr. Kenneth M. Adams.

References:

1. Adams, K. M. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: HCI Books.
2. Adams, K. M. (2007). When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York, NY: Touchstone Books.

Most articles you read about helping children and teens with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) complete homework are likely to focus on having a structured plan. A structured plan—do homework in the same location, take breaks at specific times, etc.—can indeed be helpful, but often parents underestimate the importance of the actual environment in which the homework is done.

Here are five suggestions to help develop the ideal work environment for your child or teen:

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1. Make sure the work area is physically comfortable. This means having your child or teen sit in a comfortable chair. Ideally, they should be sitting at a desk or using a lap desk (as opposed to sitting on the floor or bed), but see what works best for them. Using a chair that reclines slightly or is padded may make it easier to sit and focus for longer periods.
2. If your child or teen fidgets, harness the fidgeting. If they fidget with their legs, for example, provide your child or teen with something to keep their legs occupied. Try a bicycle or elliptical base that fits under a desk; exercise bands attached to the chair; tennis balls cut open and glued to the floor; or large, squishy shoe innersoles attached to the floor. For individuals who fidget with their hands, try something such as attaching a stress ball to a stretchy string that’s connected to the desk. Alternatively, attach something with different textures to the desk so your child or teen can rub their hand against something while working.
3. Minimize shifting of attention. This can be achieved by decreasing the frequency with which your child or teen needs to switch between their book and the computer, documents on the computer, getting up to get materials, and so forth. To decrease shifting between materials, many individuals (adults included) do well with using a laptop and attaching an external monitor (or LCD television) to it. With two screens, they can keep documents they are referring to on one screen and write on the other. Using a laptop and a tablet for this purpose can also work well, especially if the tablet has a stand. To help with textbooks, using a kitchen book holder that props up the book and keeps it open to set pages can be useful. To avoid children and teens having to get up frequently, keep a few pens, pencils, highlighters, and basic school supplies within arm’s reach.
4. Reduce visual and auditory distractions. Keep the walls within view fairly plain if possible, and if looking out a window is distracting, face the workspace away from the window. Auditory distractions can be minimized by being quiet around your child or teen, using a white noise machine, or using an app (with or without headphones). Some children and teens like noise while working. If they feel they need to listen to something while working, white noise or music without words might be best. While ideally music should be soft, if your child or teen insists on listening to popular music while working, have them listen to karaoke versions.
5. Have different work stations for different types of tasks. Some teens may find it helpful to sit in a special chair just for reading, to use a desk for writing papers, and to use a reclining chair for proofreading. Sometimes a change in position or room between tasks can lead to increased focus and reduce fatigue. (For others, of course, it can lead to getting off task more easily.)

There are many things you can do to help your child or teen get their homework done. While a structured plan is key, so too is the setup of the actual workspace. Try the tips above to get the most out of your child’s study time.

Gender-nonconforming children—including those who are agender, transgender, bigender, gender fluid, or have other identities—are often met with parental rejection. A new study presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association explored the process through which parents may come to accept their gender-nonconforming children.

Exploring the Process of Parental Acceptance

Researchers from the University of California, Davis, followed 29 mothers and seven fathers with gender-nonconforming children. The study included 33 children between the ages of 5 and 16. Fourteen were trans girls, nine were trans boys, and 10 were gender-diverse boys.

Parental acceptance of transgender kids is often a slow process, the study found. Parents were quicker to notice gender nonconformance in children designated male at birth (DMAB) than children designated female at birth (DFAB). DFAB children were more typically labeled tomboys when they did not conform to gender stereotypes.

Parents of gender-nonconforming boys often attempted to set limits on when and where their children could present as girls, fearing discrimination and bullying. Parents often explained these guidelines in terms of practical rules, such as the weather being too cold to wear a dress. Parents were more likely to eventually relax these rules when they realized how unhappy their children were, researchers found.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers also found many mothers play a vital role in advocating for their gender-nonconforming children. They often will work to educate themselves on the subject, and many become experts on gender diversity to better identify resources for their children. Perhaps because more mothers than fathers participated in the study, researchers did not address whether fathers acted the same way.

The Effects of Parental Rejection on Transgender Children

Research consistently points to the damaging effects of rejection and stigma on gender-nonconforming kids. Half of transgender adolescents attempt suicide by their 20^th birthdays, and 41% of transgender adults attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Harassment, isolation, and bullying all figure prominently in suicidal thoughts and actions.

Statistics show transgender children whose parents reject them or try to “fix” them are especially vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression as well as at a higher risk for suicide.

References:

1. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
2. Study examines families’ journeys to accepting transgender children. (2016, August 23). Retrieved from http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-08/asa-sef081616.php
3. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I grew up in a large, loving family, and thought for most of my life that I’d have a few kids of my own. I do ache for a family all my own, children to shape, share, and dream with, and the life that comes with being a part of something bigger than myself.

But in an increasingly hostile and unstable world, I have found myself in recent years questioning whether bringing another soul into it is a selfish or irresponsible act. I am not generally a pessimistic person, but trends over the past couple of decades—violence, overpopulation, pollution, disease proliferation, climate change, and more—give me little reason to believe the world will be a hospitable or positive environment for any children I choose to have (by the time they become adults, anyway). I don’t think I’m being overly fearful. These concerns are real, and they’re not going away. If anything, they’re very likely to worsen.

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So where does that leave me? These concerns aren’t stopping most people from having children. All my friends are having them, blissfully leading their new, bigger lives seemingly without any consideration for what their children will face 10, 20, 50 years from now. I wouldn’t ever call these parents selfish or irresponsible to their faces, but I do think they are, at least to some degree. If I have children of my own, I think I’ll feel like a hypocrite. If I don’t have children, I may feel like I have the moral high ground but my life will be emptier, too. I don’t know how to reconcile these feelings.

Am I looking at this all wrong? Please help! —Conflicted About Children

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Dear Conflicted,

The tension you are describing, between general principles and specific emotions, is challenging to reconcile. You are essentially torn between your head and your heart. Yes, the world can feel like a dark and scary place, particularly when so much of the news we read and hear focuses on tragedy. And yes, overpopulation is a global concern. Your concerns are real, and thinking about the world that your potential child(ren) might inherit is not unreasonable.

I wonder, however, about the role hope has for you as you look to the future. Is it possible that our children and our children’s children might play a pivotal role in reshaping the world for the better? In many ways, hope in the face of bleak prospects is one of the most radical stances we can take, and there is little in this world more hopeful than bringing a new life into this world. The parents you see “blissfully living their lives” are likely incredibly concerned, like you are, about the world their children will inherit. Perhaps that makes them more likely to live intentionally and seek solutions to the issues we face globally.

If adding to the global population truly does not sit well with you, there are ways to parent and nurture children who are already in the world and who could benefit from having loving adults to share and dream with.

None of us knows what will come next—what changes the world will see, what surprises our futures have in store for us. If we live only with thoughts about the long-term future, we risk missing the joy that can be found in the present moment. Your expressed desire to experience “the life that comes with being a part of something bigger than myself” is powerful and reveals something about how you find meaning in the world. There are, however, many ways to experience that life. If adding to the global population truly does not sit well with you, there are ways to parent and nurture children who are already in the world and who could benefit from having loving adults to share and dream with.

As you try to reconcile your mixed feelings, it might be helpful to find a good sounding board to explore how you might live authentically without denying yourself opportunities to live meaningfully. Counseling can be a great resource.

One final thought: I hear your concern about feeling like a hypocrite if you make choices at odds with your stated principles. True wisdom lies in reshaping our beliefs as we learn more about ourselves through life experience. This isn’t hypocrisy, it is growth. As you explore your feelings, it will be important to be open to reexamining what you believe and to be compassionate with yourself as you change and continue developing your worldview.

Best of luck,

Erika

If you pay close attention to social media, music messages, and news trends, you’d be forgiven for thinking disrespectful and rude behavior from children and adolescents is on the rise. The challenges of modern parenting certainly add a layer of complexity. In many families, the authoritarian parenting styles of previous generations have given way to a gentler approach to managing problem behaviors in kids, some of whom have less direct supervision with two parents working and thus more time to be influenced by peers.

Simply put, many parents don’t have the time or resources needed to thoroughly work through undesirable behaviors with their children. As a result, many children have a limited understanding of how to behave respectfully and appropriately.

Where Does Disrespectful Behavior Come From?

When your child or adolescent begins to behave disrespectfully toward you, it is a clear indication you’ve lost some control in the relationship. As a parent, it may be time to change how you respond to your child’s behavior. It is crucial to be consistent in your response going forward and to take your power back. You don’t have to adopt an authoritarian style of discipline in order to establish a clear, firm set of ground rules regarding what behavior will be tolerated and what will not.

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At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not all unpleasant behaviors are coming from an unhealthy place. It is not unusual for children and adolescents to challenge authority by rolling their eyes, talking back, or otherwise demonstrating an attitude. When kids behave in this way, they are often pushing back in the normal course of individuation, or developing a sense of self separate from their parents.

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Once you have emotionally entered into a power struggle with your child or adolescent, you have lost. The following are strategies to avoid being pulled into a power struggle:

1. Do not take what is said by your child or adolescent personally. Although this can be difficult if your child or adolescent is swearing in your face or name-calling, getting swept up in the words and the heated emotions behind them will only undermine your message, which is: I am in charge here. Period.
2. Have a plan ready. If your child or adolescent has been successful in embroiling you into a fight or a power struggle in the past, be prepared for them to try to do it again. Plan ahead about what you are going to do when your kid attempts to pull you in again. Plan to take a calm, businesslike tone. Know your limits in advance, plan to state them, and walk away. Plan to avoid engaging in push-pull.
3. Give your child or adolescent an active role in resolving problematic behavior. I often recommend to parents that they involve their child or adolescent in discussions about what they believe the consequences for disrespectful behavior should be. If your kid has a voice in what happens, they may have more buy-in. Once consequences have been determined, you may decide to give the consequence and have a follow-up discussion later about what happened.
4. Be consistent. Perhaps the most difficult part about parenting is being consistent, yet it is also the most important part. If you want your child or adolescent to take you seriously and behave differently in the future, you must be steady in your responses and the disciplinary measures you employ.
5. Be clear about your role. As a parent, your role is to teach and model respectful behavior and effective problem solving in order to help your child or adolescent function appropriately and successfully. Your job is to help them grow into responsible, respectful adults in an increasingly challenging world. That means setting reasonable rules and limits, and being prepared to enforce them. Let it be known that while you love your child unconditionally, you won’t tolerate disrespect—toward you or anyone else.

In times like these, when intolerance is everywhere you look—from political campaigns to schoolyard bullying to routine traffic stops—you might feel the way so many of the people I work with in therapy do: helpless. It can seem as if nothing you do makes much of a difference. Fortunately, there is a way to create real, lasting change, and that’s by teaching our children the ideal way to treat others. It’s the very definition of thinking globally but acting locally: increasing tolerance in the world starts at home.

It’s fair to assume most parents want to raise the kid who welcomes all friends, is kind to others regardless of skin color or religious beliefs, and is unafraid of differences. But with children receiving radically different messages every day (at school, on social media, and in the news), families must be proactive in being the most influential messengers in their lives. By raising children who are aware and accepting of differences, we can help ensure that their lives will be better—more peaceful childhoods, more successful careers—and increase the likelihood the world changes for the better along with them.

Here are seven simple strategies for encouraging acceptance and open-mindedness in your family:

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1. Start as Early as Possible

For a long time, it was assumed we were born with the tendency to judge others. After all, our brains function by recognizing patterns (“t” and “o” make the word “to”) and categorizing information (“apple” and “orange” are both “fruit”). And some studies seemed to indicate that part of our brain (the amygdala, which registers emotions such as fear) lit up when we saw faces of different colors, indicating a subconscious detection of threat. The assumption that prejudice and racism are innate made it tough to figure out how to fight these insidious issues.

More recently, these findings have been largely debunked. And some new research goes even further, indicating that young kids are uniquely unprejudiced. One study carried out on children showed that the amygdala wasn’t activated until the age of 14. In other words, there’s reason to believe that if we model acceptance early and often, kids will pick it up easily and persuasively. So don’t wait to talk to your kids until you think they can fully understand—the conversation can start with simple concepts and progress to more complex ideas over time.

2. Check Your Own Attitude

The first step to transforming your children’s outlook is to look at your own point of view. After all, children learn by mimicking. Babies watch our faces carefully to pick up social cues. They smile when we do to get a positive reaction from caregivers. Toddlers study how others handle objects so they can manipulate a spoon or a television remote. And older children hear how their parents talk about others, and imitate language used at home.

Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

Because the ways we talk about people, stereotype, or express fear are noticed by our children, we have to be careful about our own, perhaps unacknowledged, prejudices. If we sprinkle a more compassionate viewpoint into the way we talk and act, our kids are more likely to take on this softer point of view.

In my practice, I’ve repeatedly seen the power of compassion. When people are angry or hurt, they tend to focus solely on themselves and how they’ve been wronged. Kids, especially young ones, are already primed to concentrate on their own feelings when they’re mad or sad. By asking them to put the focus on the other person, and by being empathetic to what the other party is going through, their eyes are opened. And sometimes, their anger just melts away.

You can apply this in everyday living. Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

These interpretations make us more understanding and less judgmental. By aiming a more considered response at the issue, we teach an antidote to thoughtless anger and hatred.

3. Eschew the Easy Answer

It’s simple, and in a way natural, to jump to conclusions about people or lump them into categories. A girl is wearing a too-short skirt in high school? Bad morals handed down from bad parents. A group of boys are wearing hoodies? They’re in a gang.

But racial and social issues are multi-determined, meaning there are a variety of factors leading up to any one outcome. To help your child learn how to think through an issue in a complex way, look for all sides to the story by asking them a lot of questions. Start with small, local problems: What might the girl in the skirt believe about sexuality? What does her culture teach her? How did the media affect her clothing choices? Then, as their thinking becomes more mature, move on to global issues, such as immigration. Some sample questions: What might it be like to grow up in a state where religious mores are the law? How would it feel to be forced from your country, and how might you feel about the people in your new residence?

4. Use Respectful Language

If you want your child to truly believe that all people are equal, you have to walk the walk. Monitor how you respond to others and describe them. Is it possible that, sometimes without realizing it, you make a derogatory comment when someone is dressed in a way you find threatening? That you might respond to your child’s story about an annoying classmate by calling the kid “a jerk” or “stupid”?

Often, we feel more justified in making fun of our own community. I hear many families poke fun at their own customs or complain about older family members’ conventions. But this criticism can sound more insulting than you realize, unintentionally passing down an attitude to your kids that it’s okay to criticize other people’s beliefs or judge their way of life.

5. Allow for Multicultural Education

It’s becoming more common for schools to tackle themes of cultural variation and to celebrate differences. Knowing more about other people’s rituals and beliefs makes them less foreign and less scary. And seeing teachers value traditions other than their own sends a powerful message to kids about how to be respectful, open-minded, and accepting.

If your child’s school hasn’t already started a program or class in multiculturalism, consider bringing up the idea. Festivals, clubs, or after-school programs are some smaller venues for getting kids involved and starting conversations around tolerance.

6. Talk Through Tragedy

Sadly, kids are being exposed to more and more violence and stories of discrimination. This also means there are many opportunities to talk through difficult issues. Although many parents are afraid of traumatizing kids by bringing up seemingly adult problems, the truth is kids are usually aware of the problems already and are often more capable of thinking about solutions than we give them credit for.

Go for honesty whenever possible, but go easy on the details, especially to young kids. Check in with them again later to see if any of the issues raised have caused them concerns or fears, or if they’ve heard anything scary from others. Don’t do all the talking; listen to their concerns, and ask if they have any ideas about how to help.

It’s okay to admit you don’t have the answers. Just sitting and experiencing sadness together can be healing in itself.

7. Get Involved

One big roadblock to compassion is the fatigue that sets in when we feel like we can’t possibly make a difference. When we take action, even in small ways, it’s an opportunity for kids to feel more involved and positive. Consider actions you can take with your kids that will help empower them, such as raising money, sending letters, or joining local meetings.

Another tip is to avoid segregating your children. Many parents hope to protect and shelter their kids by limiting their exposure to outside influences. The truth is, the more experiences they have and the more communities they join, the better able they may be to cope with the complexities of the world. Kids who go from private school to country club to family vacation, with no chance to branch outside of their community, may naturally be limited in their abilities to be flexible and open-minded. Volunteering in a different community, traveling, and joining clubs outside of their neighborhood are good ways to open their eyes.

Try one or more of the above suggestions at home. You may be surprised at how hopeful and proactive it feels to tackle this issue head-on. If you feel like you need more ideas, it can be helpful to work with a therapist or educator who specializes in working with children. Together, we can transform a moment that feels unrelentingly negative into something positive.

References:

1. Leu, C. (2015).  Innate or Learned Prejudice? Turns Out Even the Blind Aren’t Color Blind on Race. California Magazine. Retrieved from http://alumni.berkeley.edu/california-magazine/fall-2015-questions-race/innate-or-learned-prejudice-turns-out-even-blind-arent
2. Northwestern University: Hugenberg, K., & Bodenhausen, G. V. (2003). Facing Prejudice: Implicit Prejudice and the Perception of Facial Threat. Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/bodenhausen/PS03.pdf
3. Wright, Robert. (2012, October 17). New Evidence That Racism Isn’t “Natural”. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/10/new-evidence-that-racism-isnt-natural/263785/

Most mothers likely want their daughters to develop a positive body image and a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, many moms inadvertently act in ways that are counter to this goal, often because they may feel shy or embarrassed to talk about their bodies and sexuality. This message may, over time, get passed along to their daughters.

What is a healthy sexual self-esteem, exactly? This refers to a person’s ability to connect to their sexual identity and self in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. Healthy sexual self-esteem could mean experiencing our body in a sexual way, enjoying our body sexually, and eventually sharing our body sexually with someone else. Many moms tell me they want to raise their daughters to be like this one day. They want their daughters to feel great about their bodies and to experience pleasure when they are older, in a healthy adult relationship. The question is: how do we get there?

First of all, it may be necessary to reframe the part of you that still believes talking to your daughter about her body and sexuality may be harmful. The research does not support this notion. In a study published in 2008 in the Journal of Adolescent Health, for example, researchers Kohler et al. found that adolescents who received comprehensive sex education were significantly less likely to report teen pregnancy than those who had received abstinence-only education. In fact, abstinence-only education did not reduce the likelihood of engaging in vaginal intercourse, but comprehensive sex education did.

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With the research firmly on the side of talking to your daughter about her sexuality, how do you go about it?

General Tips

• Start early and deliver age-appropriate messages. This conversation is a years-long one. Don’t wait for children to ask questions or initiate, as some may be too embarrassed. As the adult, overcome any discomfort you feel and talk to them.
• Model healthy body image, no matter your shape or size. Reject media images of so-called ideals. Promote a greater picture of health and nutrition rather than focusing on fat or weight specifically. Model appropriate affection with your partner.
• Be real. This means being direct, honest, and conveying the facts alongside a positive and affirming perspective.

Toddler Years

• Put a positive spin on bodily functions (i.e., “You threw up because your body was saying the food you ate did not work well in your body. Your body can be trusted and knows how to protect you!”).
• Don’t shame their bodies by saying things like, “Go put your clothes on,” or, “Don’t run around the house naked.”
• Teach them the correct names of body parts: vagina, penis, testicles, etc.
• When the time comes/when they ask, tell them how babies are made. For example: “When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the mommy’s egg meets the daddy’s sperm and that makes a baby. Then the baby grows in the mommy’s uterus until it’s big enough to come out. When the baby’s ready, the uterus squeezes, and the baby comes out of the vagina. Then mommy’s body goes back to the way it was.”

Pre-Puberty/Puberty

• Put a positive spin on distressing changes (i.e., “You are becoming a woman! That’s wonderful! Welcome to the world of womanhood.”). At the same time, discuss openly any negative aspects of puberty-related changes rather than glossing over them.
• Tell stories from your childhood—your first period, perhaps, or even embarrassing stories. Show them that you survived and they will, too.
• Don’t shame their bodies with messages like, “You can’t wear that.”
• Teach them about male and female puberty, natural bodily changes, and the basics of sex.
• Take your daughter to get her first bra. Bring it up; she may be too embarrassed.
• Give her deodorant, a razor, sanitary pads, tampons, etc. Tell her you have noticed she’s becoming a beautiful young woman. Again, pre-empt these things.

Adolescence

• Encourage your daughter to trust her body and to listen to it (i.e., if she gets a stomachache before a test, talk to her about how her body is telling her something).
• Again, don’t shame their bodies. Talk about what messages they want to portray about themselves by the way they dress and appear. Share examples from your own life.
• Talk about relationships as portrayed in books and movies and how those portrayals differ from real life. Talk about couples dynamics and what your child may like/doesn’t like about how relationships are portrayed vs. the reality of relationships.
• Don’t encourage her to hide her wanting to grow up. Pick your battles. If you find out she’s tweezing her eyebrows, it’s not the end of the world. Instead, help her find an article online about eyebrow tweezing (or whatever else) and use this as an opportunity for open discussion. Shaming a child can lead the child to want to hide things from you later.
• Talk to her about her period. Introduce her to the variety of menstrual supplies available and encourage her to explore all of them to discover what works best for her. Tampons may seem scary, for example, but using them may help some adolescents become more comfortable with their bodies. Help her get used to her period as a normative event, not something shameful or secret.

Raising any child is difficult, but raising a daughter may come with its own particular challenges. To promote healthy body image and sexual self-esteem, keep your conversations real and regular, be a trusted resource for accurate information, and model what you want your daughter to aspire to both in and out of relationships.

Reference:

Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., & Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health, 42, 344-351.

Given that the transition from adolescence into young adulthood is often marked by normal emotional ups and downs, it can be difficult for parents to identify symptoms of mental health issues. Especially after puberty, adolescents experience a variety of changes, both behaviorally and psychologically. They also experience mood swings that can seem severe, depending on the day and the circumstances.

So what should parents be aware of? What should they watch for? Some broad signs that indicate an adolescent’s mood or behavior could be problematic include:

• Social isolation
• Anger, irritability, or depression that is consistent
• Moodiness that lasts longer than a few days
• Sudden weight loss or gain
• Significant changes in appetite
• Fixation on a thought or an impulse

Some of the most common mental health diagnoses among adolescents are depression, anxiety, attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), and eating disorders. Let’s take a closer look at these issues and explore their symptoms.

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Depression

Common symptoms of depression in adolescents are irritability (generally more so than sadness), anger, hostility, and melancholy. Adolescents often have somatic symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches when depressed. Other symptoms to look for are low self-esteem, chronic fatigue, apathy, lack of concentration, emotional dysregulation, and thoughts of suicide. It should be noted that adolescents and young adults can also display symptoms of bipolar, a mood condition similar to depression but with the addition of mania. Mania can manifest as an extreme elated mental state, such as feelings of euphoria, lack of inhibitions, racing thoughts, little to no need for sleep, excessive talking, and risky behavior.

Anxiety

Anxiety can manifest as panic (or panic attacks), posttraumatic stress (PTSD), obsessive compulsion (OCD), social anxiety, or phobias. Parents should take note that PTSD often presents as severe fear of people, places, or things, and can also be diagnosed as phobias, while obsessive compulsion typically manifests as consistent thoughts of an image or impulse. Young adults with anxiety can appear fearful, withdrawn, and emotionally dysregulated.

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible.

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity (ADHD)

To identify possible ADHD, parents should also watch for the child or adolescent not being cognizant of their actions, disorganization, a lack of focus, disruptive behavior, and becoming easily bored. The most significant symptom of attention-deficit hyperactivity, in my opinion, is a lack of impulse control. This can manifest as engaging in behavior that seems obviously (to everyone else, anyway) inappropriate. When an adolescent is asked, “Why did you do that?” the answer is often, “I don’t know” or “I wanted to.” In my work with adolescents diagnosed with ADHD, the ability to think through the consequences of a given behavior is often not present. I have worked with adolescents who had ideas that were quite brilliant; people diagnosed with ADHD are often extremely bright and creative. However, when they attempt to execute those ideas, the consequences of not asking permission or crossing boundaries are typically not considered.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders may include bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, and body dysmorphia. Typically, adolescents with eating disorders aren’t just dieting and exercising to maintain weight. Bulimia is defined as binging and purging to avoid calories being consumed and potential weight gain. Anorexia manifests as eating significantly small amounts of food or no food at all, which can be extremely dangerous or even fatal. Symptoms to watch for are dissatisfaction with the way the adolescent looks, sudden and/or extreme weight loss, going to the bathroom right after eating, fear of weight gain, and a frail or thin appearance.

What to Do If You Suspect Your Child Has a Mental Health Issue

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible. Depending on the diagnosis and the severity of the issue, treatment may include cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, and/or medication.

Prompt treatment can prevent a plethora of future problems for adolescents transitioning into adulthood. Adolescents often feel ashamed or embarrassed about their feelings or concerns and thus don’t reveal them. As a parent, that’s where you come in. The fallout for adolescents not receiving appropriate treatment may include low self-esteem, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide, and can impact various areas of their lives, such as academic performance, work performance, friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships.

Identifying mental health issues in adolescents can be complicated because it can be hard to delineate potential problems from normal mood and behavioral fluctuations. The key is the severity and duration of the behavior and to what degree it is getting in the way of the adolescent’s ability to function. Behavior that indicates a possible mental health issue is present will typically increase in severity, duration, and disruption in the life of the adolescent over time.

Friendship—that close connection with another person which allows us to feel valued and cared for—is vital at any stage of life. The need for love and belonging has long been established as one of our basic needs as human beings. And it has been well documented that having strong, healthy relationships improves our self-esteem and overall well-being. As valuable as these connections are, however, they do not always come easily or naturally, particularly for adolescents.

We’ve all known the charismatic, outgoing teenager who is friends with everyone and approaches social situations with ease and grace. We’ve also known the awkward, insecure teenager who struggles to connect with people and becomes more withdrawn with each friendship that crashes and burns. While some of it has to do with personality and development, it is just as important to remember that just like so many aspects of adolescent development, making friends is a skill that can be learned.

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If it seems like it was easier for your child to make friends when they were young, you’re right. When kids are little, most of their friendships are cultivated and managed by adults. Parents set up “play dates,” organize the activities, and manage any conflict that pops up. Parents also plan birthdays and other parties, and manage the invitations, gifts, and RSVPs to make sure everyone is included.

The good news is making friends boils down to a series of skills that can be learned.

As kids become teens, these friendships start to shift and evolve. As is true with so many things about middle school, teens become more independent and start making choices for themselves, so it makes sense they also become more independent in managing their friendships. Some kids handle this transition effortlessly, while others struggle mightily with making and keeping friends. And those friendship struggles can lead to a lack of confidence and feeling disconnected and vulnerable at a crucial time in their development.

The good news is making friends boils down to a series of skills that can be learned. And as with any new skill, becoming proficient at friendship requires some self-awareness, some guidance, and practice. Here are some tips for helping your teen improve their friendship skills:

1. Invite your teen to do some reflecting. Ask them, “What qualities do you have that would make people want to be your friend?” And more importantly, “How do people know that about you? How do you let people see what you value, what’s important to you, and who you really are?” Rather than just looking around for someone with common interests, helping teens become clear about who they are and what they value allows them to attract friends who will be a good fit for them.
2. Remind your teen that not every acquaintance will become a BFF. Teens who struggle with making friends tend to latch onto the first person who shows them meaningful attention. They may share too much personal information too soon, and they may become jealous and insecure when their new best friend has other friends. Help your teen work through the difference between a friend you sit next to in class and chit-chat with, and a friend who really understands and values you.
3. Teach your teen how to engage in conversation. Small talk is a learned skill. It doesn’t come easily for everyone. It is particularly difficult for teens who are more introverted. Practice having light, casual conversations about easy topics such as music, activities outside of school, or homework. Help them learn how to keep it positive, and promote the value of listening more than they speak.
4. Help your teen understand that conflict is a natural part of relationships. Even the best of friends are going to have fights, but not every argument means the end of a friendship. Help them work on fighting fair and knowing when to take a break from an argument to cool off. Particularly when it comes to social media, where misunderstandings are common and conflict can quickly get out of control, teach your teen the value of saying, “I think we’re both really upset. Let’s talk about this in person tomorrow.”
5. Be aware of your own judgments and opinions. If you don’t like your teen’s new friend and you believe your reasons are valid, be thoughtful about how you bring it up. Opening a conversation with, “Tell me what you like about hanging out with her” may be much better received than the more obvious, “I don’t like her! She’s a brat!” And if you feel the need to criticize your teen’s friend, be sure to be specific about the behaviors you don’t like. For example, “I’ve noticed she cancels plans with you at the last minute a lot” opens up a much healthier conversation than, “I don’t like her. She’s so selfish and disrespectful!” Your teen values your opinion much more than they will ever let you know, so if you notice them being treated badly by a friend, by all means speak up. Just make sure you do it in a way that is likely to be heard.
6. Help your teen foster other relationships. The need for connection and belonging extends beyond friendships with peers. Make sure your teen feels connected to you and other adults in their life. When teens have solid, healthy relationships in their lives that they can count on unconditionally, it becomes much easier to endure the roller coaster of adolescent friendships.

Friendships during the teen years can be so important and fulfilling. Having someone to lean on, share secrets with, and let loose with makes life better at any age. If your teen is struggling with friendships, remember that it is not a lost cause. Make sure your connection with them is strong, and guide them toward the skills they need to make the kinds of friends that will serve them well.

References:

1. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2014, February 5). Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
2. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). (2002). Making and keeping friends: A self-help guide. Retrieved from http://store.samhsa.gov/product/Making-and-Keeping-Friends-A-Self-Help-Guide/SMA-3716

I work with a number of anguished parents who are surprised, hurt, and bewildered by changes in the way their adult children behave toward them. They describe relationships filled with coolness and irritation from their adult child and talk about being rebuffed when emails, texts, and phone calls go unanswered and responses to requests for dinner or birthday celebrations are ignored or refused. These parents feel pushed away and controlled by their children and clueless to understand this unexpected behavior. They come into therapy filled with a wide range of feelings, including rejection, anger, hurt, anxiety, depression, and helplessness.

Melanie came to see me because of difficulties with her oldest child, Barbara, 33, who is five years married with two young children.

“She was my first, and it was love at first sight,” Melanie said of Barbara. “We were so close. I don’t understand the change. It seems sudden, but I suppose it started after college when she became a little distant and there was some tension. Now I can’t say ‘boo’ to her without her becoming annoyed or angry. I’m always walking on tiptoe and never know when she’s going to have an outburst. She’ll yell and say awful things like I don’t understand her or I’m self-absorbed or the queen of criticism. I can’t imagine why she feels this way. I go from shock to crying to feeling outraged. I don’t know what she wants from me. Actually, it feels like she doesn’t want anything from me. It’s getting more and more difficult to get to see her or even get her to send me a picture of the grandkids or answer a text. When she ignored my birthday last month, that was the worst.”

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Melanie’s experience with Barbara is illustrative of what the distressed parents I work with describe: through adolescence they had close, loving relationships which became conflicted only after their children left home. The separation-individuation process which is expected to occur in adolescence didn’t emerge at the developmentally appropriate time. Without the benefit of individuation in adolescence, these children missed the experience of learning to navigate the power struggles and clashes with parents that are crucial for the formation of a sense of identity with feelings of autonomy and self-confidence. This experience is necessary to set the stage for feeling comfortably attached to the parent without fear of being controlled or influenced.

The Development of Saying Yes to Oneself

I have always been intrigued with the idea that 2-year-olds have to learn to say “no” before they can say “yes.” The “no” of the 2-year-old is a crucial component of the development of self. “No” is directed to the parent who engages with the child in a squabble. When there are wins for the child, their “no” is accepted, making it possible for the child to begin feeling authorship of their “yes.” “Yes” is a nod to the self, to one’s desires, needs, and drive toward autonomy.

During adolescence, this process continues. Now the parent has to shift from the position of benign authority they held with their younger child. They must find a balance between providing rules within a secure and safe framework and simultaneously allow room for the emergence of the adolescent’s “noes.” This means the child is given space to question and change the rules (although the parent will not always agree) as they move toward “yes,” i.e., developing their identity as autonomous adults.

The Adult Child’s Delayed Individuation Process

For some children, the struggle to individuate either begins or intensifies after adolescence, often during their late 20s or 30s. When this occurs, a strong need to pull away and extract oneself from the parental orbit feels necessary.

For parents who have not experienced the passionate conflicts of adolescence and may be known to happily remark “I got off easy,” their adult child’s fierce push to be separate can be heart-wrenching. When there is a delay or a reemergence of this struggle for autonomy, the parent is frequently taken by surprise and is unprepared for what may now become an intense process of individuation in which the adult child, no longer feeling required to adhere to the old rules, comes out fighting to claim a selfhood that will feel unfettered by parental influence. It can seem very sudden when a child starts to pull away, express anger, and assert themselves against the parent. Although the parent may be unaware of treating the child differently, what might have felt to both parent and child like interest or involvement in the past can now be experienced by the child as controlling or critical.

As I got to know Melanie and learned about the development of her relationship with Barbara, it became clear that Barbara was late in separating from her parents. Through late adolescence, Barbara never went through a stage where she pushed against her parents. When she went away to college, she remained close with frequent calls and emails. Between her junior and senior years, however, she and her parents fought over her decision to remain at college for the summer to take an internship. This was the first big disagreement with Barbara where Barbara’s wishes won out. Melanie wondered:

As I got to know Melanie and learned about the development of her relationship with Barbara, it became clear that Barbara was late in separating from her parents.

“I’m not sure about this, but I think things changed after that. She never lived at home after graduation. She stopped asking for advice, and I was so surprised when she decided to move to a neighboring state for grad school. Maybe I shouldn’t have said I thought she should stay local for school, save her money, and live at home. She had made up her mind, and I remember she got angry and said I shouldn’t tell her what to do with her life. I was shocked. I was only trying to help. Since then, she bristles or gets angry at any suggestion I make.”

Melanie was feeling profoundly rejected by Barbara. She felt helpless to know how to relate to her and how to change the increasing negativity she felt from her daughter. She felt controlled and without any clear sense of why this was happening:

“I can’t ask questions without her getting enraged,” Melanie said. “I asked if she took my granddaughter to the doctor when she had a fever and she told me to stop butting in! I’ve asked her such innocuous questions, like ‘Are you planning a vacation?’ Or, ‘Are you thinking about sending the kids to daycare?’ Every time I ask a question, she accuses me of criticizing her. I don’t get it. I just want to be a part of her life. She doesn’t want to let me in. Worse, sometimes I think she hates me.”

It seemed to me Barbara’s individuation process had been delayed. I assumed that since there was little conflict with her parents during adolescence, Barbara’s “noes” and “yeses” were probably mostly shared by her parents. Thus, in adolescence, Barbara would have felt no need to differentiate her wishes and needs from those of her parents. Now, as an adult, she had no developed sense of self with feelings of autonomy. So she still needed to individuate and take ownership of the “yeses” and “noes” in her life. This would give her a sense of agency and self-confidence, enabling her to feel less threatened by her mother’s opinions, wishes, and needs. Differences between them would simply be differences, not cause for concern about losing herself to her mother’s influence. She would not have to be worried about being controlled because she would feel in charge of herself.

Melanie began to understand that Barbara equated connection with influence. She recognized that Barbara’s experience of being constantly criticized became the rationale for pushing Melanie away:

“I think I get it. If I ask a question, like did she take my granddaughter to the doctor, maybe she hears it as my opinion: ‘You should take her to the doctor.’ Or maybe, she hears it as ‘I don’t trust you to know what to do’ so then she feels criticized by me. I see she is fighting being influenced by me. It’s like if she lets me in, she loses herself. If she lets herself feel close to me, it threatens her sense of self. I don’t want to be in her life to control or influence her, I just want to love her and feel loved. How is that ever going to happen?”

Facilitating Individuation for the Adult Child

Melanie’s feelings of helplessness were palpable. She was developing an intellectual understanding of what was going on with Barbara, but it is quite another thing to find a way to change the dynamic between them so their bond could be restored. I made the following suggestions to Melanie:

• Be mindful of the content of your communications. Questions can be interpreted as criticism, shoulds, or judgments.
• Find an opportunity to talk to Barbara without being defensive, and tell her you want to hear how you can be a better parent.
• Let her know you respect and admire who she is and what she does in specific ways, e.g., “I love that you’re always reading to the kids,” “It’s great that you’re learning to play golf,” “Can I have your recipe for meatballs?” or “Your home looks so lovely.” These communications contain the idea (no guarantee that it will be interpreted that way) that you have positive and admiring feelings toward your child.
• Let Barbara control the amount of contact. She is engaged with you in a necessary separation-individuation process that was not resolved in earlier years. When it becomes resolved, she will have a more positive sense of self. This will enable her to develop a strong and loving attachment with you. Once Barbara is secure in the positive feelings of who she is, there will no longer be a reason to fear being unduly controlled or influenced.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

As a family systems therapist, it’s been my experience that when parents bring a child to my office due to acting-out behaviors or social challenges, it usually comes back to the dynamic in the parental relationship. Typically, what’s going on (or not) between Mom and Dad is at the root of the issue, regardless of whether the parents are married, separated, or divorced.

Marital dissatisfaction and parental conflict, in my experience, are often correlated with how well children adjust to situations. In addition, parental attitudes and approaches can impact children. Children may experience anxiety, depression, shame, or other issues when conflicted parental relationships result in dysfunctional parenting practices. Parental conflict can result in reduced parental involvement, harsh discipline practices, lack of praise and acknowledgement, and increased parent-child conflict.

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A common scenario that often plays out in families with parental conflict is when a child is blamed and scapegoated by the parents, which in turn may cause the child to act out. This nonadaptive parenting style creates a dynamic of discord that is enmeshed, reciprocal, and reinforcing.

When overt or covert (silent or aggressive) parental conflict is present, there may be a tendency to create “alliances” or “collusions” among family members, which typically only alienates healthy family relationships. Additionally, some parents who do not actively engage in conflict in front of their children may allow their negative feelings toward each other to guide their decisions. These decisions, when motivated by resentment and not the best interests of the children, may be equally harmful.

Naturally, parental conflict also can result in reduced emotional availability toward children. Generally speaking, the lower the level of parental conflict, the more positive parent-child relationships tend to be.

Suggestions for Managing Parental Conflict Around Children

Conflict is a natural part of relationships. It is important for children to see that parents can disagree and work through conflicts. The problem solving that follows occasional conflict between parents can be a healthy thing for children to witness. When parents are able to demonstrate effective problem-solving strategies collaboratively, they model supportive parenting and parental involvement at a much higher level.

The lower the level of parental conflict, the more positive parent-child relationships tend to be.

However, when conflict is chronic and parents aren’t able to come to resolution, it can become problematic from the children’s standpoint.

So what can parents do to demonstrate healthy conflict management in front of their children? Here are some suggestions to consider:

• Try to avoid arguing in front of the children.
• When discussions become intense, take a “time-out” and continue the discussion when kids are not around.
• Set aside time to have discussions when the children are not present (such as when they are in bed, at school, visiting grandparents, etc.).
• Demonstrate courteous and polite behavior with each other in front of the children.
• Take turns talking.
• Actively listen to each other.
• Validate the other parent’s feelings and perspectives, even in times of disagreement.
• Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem.
• Focus on maintaining a positive relationship with the children.
• Articulate that the children are not the issue or even part of the issue.
• Support the other parent’s relationship with the children.
• Be mindful about not sharing too much information with the children about conflict that may be present.

Finally, when trying to resolve conflict, it is important to look at family-of-origin patterns to determine how conflict was resolved in earlier generations, as patterns tend to be passed down in families from generation to generation. Then, it is important for parents to look for patterns in their relationships as well as their own behaviors and motivations.

Ideally, parents should be open to seeking help from a professional, as getting input from an objective third party who is trained to help resolve conflict can be beneficial in identifying ineffective resolution strategies that parents may be engaging in.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Our son, who turned 18 last month, is about to graduate from high school. He’s a great kid, an Eagle Scout, and a straight-A student (3.96 grade-point average). He’s the president of his senior class and has multiple full-ride scholarship offers from elite schools across the country, including Stanford and Princeton.

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So why, pray tell, would he possibly want to join the military? This is the dilemma our family faces. Bernie Sanders isn’t president. College isn’t cheap. A quality college education is unaffordable for many families, including ours. By the time our son would complete his service, it seems doubtful at best that opportunities like this will still be waiting for him, and we won’t be in position to help him much. We feel like he is leaving not only free money (and a lot of it) on the table, but also his future, and for what?

His mother and I both see the nobility in wanting to serve our country and we admire him for it, but this decision puts not only his financial future at risk but also, potentially, his life. It’s an unstable world we live in, and not too many people who enlist these days manage to avoid deployment. We’ve tried to talk some sense into our son, but he says he’s made up his mind. Easy to say for someone who has never had to pay for anything in his life.

Please help us. How can we convince our son that going to college is a much better choice than going to war? —Dumbfounded Dad

Dear Dumbfounded,

Thank you for writing. I can’t help but think the answer to your question lies in the emotional undertone of the question itself.

As I’m sure you already know, the teen years are often a roller-coaster for teens and parents alike. It’s a phase marked by intense contradiction, as a burgeoning young adult seeks individuation and freedom while under the care and protection of the very people they are trying to separate from. It’s easy to get lost in the minutiae of curfews, driving privileges, allowances, homework, drugs, sex, and so on.

Though I find it a worthy question to ask, what is really at the heart of this? Usually it’s anxiety or fear. On the parents’ side, there is the fear the child will be somehow unsafe, now or later, and is throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Parents fear that the kid who struggles in school may not be well enough prepared for college later; the kid who experiments with pot may be “setting themselves up for failure” down the road; and the son who says no to full-ride scholarships at elite schools has somehow gone off-track. What the heck is he thinking? That does it, I’m putting my foot down!

The teen, meanwhile, worries about the same thing, only from a different angle. Can I survive and flourish—socially, financially—once I’ve left the nest? If I’m too reliant on mom or dad now, what happens later when I’m working or at college? I can’t rely on them forever. I know they want me to take these scholarships, get an education, but I want a different kind of education. What’s wrong with that? To hell with ’em! I’m on my own!

Anxiety, in other words, rules the day, as each side feels disrespected or abandoned or shut out by the other.

Your letter is full of understandable parental anxiety focused mostly, it seems to me, on the future. He is “potentially” risking his life or possibly throwing away opportunities that may or may not be “waiting for him” later on. One could say these scholarships are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. You could also say any kid with the smarts to get into these schools with a 3.96 GPA, and with a willingness to take the road less traveled, will likely continue to find opportunities. I know plenty of struggling adults who went to Ivy League schools, and successful people who went to community college, then specialized in grad school or elsewhere later on.

You have, again understandably for a parent, developed a vision for the best path forward for your son. What father wouldn’t want his son to go to Princeton or Stanford? I empathize with your confusion and frustration. I imagine you’re tearing your hair out.

But this is the great challenge of this mind-warping transition phase. As a parent myself, I foresee a time when my daughter will announce to us she has decided to become a doctor or lawyer (or better yet, a psychologist!)—which means, of course, that when she’s 18 she’ll announce to us she’s skipping college to join a punk band or travel to Antarctica to save seals. We want our kids to be safe; they want us to back off so they can test limits, take a bite out of the world, and dance near the edge. This is itself the delicate, anxious dance between teens and parents at this complicated phase.

As I often do in this column, I’ll throw out my 2 cents regarding some practical suggestions, followed by a more psychological angle.

First, talk to your son—as neutrally as possible—about what you’re seeing as the risks involved. The idea here is to model balanced decision making. Make sure he knows your “agenda” is only to talk through the decision with him. Does he know what a rare opportunity these scholarships actually are, how few kids get into these schools, for a free ride, no less? That these schools provide first-rate opportunities for networking and lifelong connection for just about any field of interest? That he could always enlist after getting his undergrad degree, or try college first and then decide? You could also talk about what assistance you can and possibly can’t provide both now and later.

Which branch of the military is he most interested in? What about it, specifically, draws him? What are they offering in terms of higher education down the road? What about any interest in specialty training? Also, to your points about his safety, is he interested in being deployed on dangerous assignments or tours of duty? If the answer is yes, would he be interested in doing some more research, such as talking to veterans who have served where he’s interested in going?

I don’t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.

I don’t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.

Empathy is the key, saith the psychotherapist. By this, I mean I would try to get as curious as you can about what draws him. Does he like the idea of discipline, training, and order? Is it weaponry and combat he’s interested in? Is it the idea of the safety of a “strong” institution to which he will belong, a new kind of family?

Listen for the hopes and yearnings more than the literal aspects. Then you might—as calmly as you can—explain why this is difficult for you (and possibly your wife). You have your own hopes and wishes for him as a caring dad.

Try to avoid a trap a lot of us fall into, which is playing the “this isn’t normal” card. Example: “It’s not normal for a kid as smart as you to enlist and blow off Stanford; it’s just not rational.” The implication there is he’s weird, an oddball, or worse. It will probably make him dig his heels in even deeper. Make your statements personal, not about “what kids your age normally do” or in the vein of “what’s really best for a guy like you, though clearly you don’t see it, is …” It’s possible he does see it and wants to do something else. Better to say, “Well, here’s what I foresee for you, and why, and I guess I just don’t get it, so help me get it.” Or, “As your dad, it makes me uneasy to think of you in harm’s way. We think that’s rare or never happens, but it does. I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying be clear about the risks.” You could also ask the gutsy question of, is his seeking out enlistment a way of compensating for something he felt he never got at home or school? You might also be listening for how he thinks this experiencing will point him toward whatever definition of manhood he has developed.

But again, be respectful, as this is his dream, his decision. You can disagree with it, but I would honor the fact the son you love finds it important.

Parenting can be extremely difficult, and it’s a never-ending duty. But sometimes kids somehow have to do the one thing they know drives us batty. It can be a test to see if they will still be loved by us in spite of their decisions, or that they are capable of making their own decisions completely free from parental influence. If there is any element of rebellion in his decision, try to be understanding rather than dead-set against it, as that puts you in opposition and back in the tug-of-war.

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to post any follow-ups to let us know what happens.

Thanks again for writing!

Best wishes,
Darren