Defocused urban night sceneIn our fast-paced society, more and more people find it challenging to juggle unrealistic work and home life demands. We frequently have to deal with high levels of daily stress, which negatively affects our physical and mental health. Many of our most common physical ailments, such as headaches, digestive problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, and an impaired immune system, can in many cases be attributed to stress. The same is true for many of our psychological issues, including anger, irritability, depression, and anxiety.

Finding ways to lower our stress levels is therefore extremely important for our overall health. Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, and meditating on a regular basis are all factors that can contribute to a more balanced lifestyle. When these self-care techniques fail to help us to feel better, seeking help from a third party may be beneficial.

Some of the signs that might indicate counseling could be helpful in your situation include the following:

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  1. Feeling sad and unmotivated. If you have had feelings of hopelessness, decreased energy, sadness, irritability, thoughts of suicide, feel overwhelmed and unable to cope, or are no longer finding pleasure in activities you used to enjoy, you may be dealing with depression and may benefit from talking to a professional.
  2. Excessive worry. If you feel as though your anxiety is interfering with your ability to do normal activities and/or you are unable to sleep at night due to ongoing rumination about your difficulties, you may want to consider seeking help.
  3. Trauma or abuse. If you have experienced any type of traumatic event or abusive relationship, coming to terms with your experience by talking to an empathic other can be extremely helpful. Trauma and abuse can leave long-term scars that, if left untreated, can negatively impact your life, relationships, and ability to experience joy or happiness.
  4. Relationship problems. If your relationship has become unfulfilling and you feel you are no longer able to communicate effectively with your significant other, seeking out couples counseling can be a helpful step in getting your relationship back on track.
  5. Difficult life transitions. We all face difficult life situations at times–the loss of a job, a move to a new city, a divorce, or the loss of a loved one. When difficulties such as these arise and you find it difficult to move on, talking with a counselor can be an effective way to process your feelings and work through any lingering grief.
  6. Addictions. If you are struggling with any type of addiction—substance abuse, an eating disorder, gambling, or sex addiction—this could be a sign you are trying to cope with unresolved issues or feelings in unhealthy and inappropriate ways and may obtain benefit from professional help.
  7. Obsessive or compulsive behaviors. If you are spending too much time double checking to make sure you have turned off the stove, obsessively washing your hands, or are consumed by compulsive thoughts, receiving counseling could be extremely beneficial in getting your life in order.
  8. Children excessively acting out. If your child or children have been misbehaving and you are at your wit’s end trying to figure out what to do, talking with a professional who has experience with children’s issues can be helpful. A counselor or therapist can frequently provide you with some additional parenting tools to make your life easier.

In addition to helping with the issues above and others, obtaining professional help may provide you with more insight and awareness. Although it can sometimes feel scary to take the first step to reach out, reducing your symptoms and learning to cope in healthier ways can make doing so more than worthwhile.

A man and woman hold up a frame together in a fieldI want to be loved. I want to be fit. I want to have a job I’m proud of. We all have hopes and dreams, but sometimes we take too little action to make them come true.

What is it that gets in the way of taking the actions necessary to fulfill our dreams? How do unfulfilled dreams and a lack of action affect a person’s experience of life?

The pursuit of a goal can give your life purpose, energy, hope, and excitement, but it can also bring anxiety, insecurity, and overwhelm. Sometimes, simply acknowledging what you want can arouse feelings of longing and despair. Some choose to avoid those uncomfortable feelings by disengaging from their pursuit. Avoidance might resolve the discomfort in the short term, but in the long term, refusing to participate in your pursuit of happiness, and facing the mixed bag of feelings that come with that pursuit, can leave a person feeling stuck, depressed, or empty.

It would be wonderful to have all of the energy and excitement of the chase without the fear and self-doubt. The more you want something, the more it matters to you, the less likely you will be relaxed about it.

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There are many reasons a person may become afraid to do something they want or need to do. Here’s a short list:

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” —Norman Vincent Peale

Two Marines look at a mapResearch on mindfulness shows that it can be beneficial for improving a person’s attention, mood, pain tolerance, and immune function. It can also be used to reduce stress and increase a person’s cognitive functioning. Therapists use it to treat depression, anxiety, drug addiction, and a vast number of other mental health issues. Recently, the practice, rooted in some of the principles of Buddhism, has found an unlikely advocate in the Department of Defense (DoD), which has also started using mindfulness to help soldiers prepare for and return from combat.

Its use in the military is considered somewhat controversial by some, as traditional mindfulness practices are often associated with an opposition to conflict and the promotion of peace.

“Mindfulness can be used as a tool to manage attention, regulate affect, and monitor cognition,” mindfulness practitioner Andrew Archer, LCSW said. “I imagine this form of grounding and centering could prepare people for extremely charged, chaotic environments. However, mindfulness has been best practiced with the act of conscientious objection to war.”

Why Is Mindfulness Taught in the Military?

[fat_widget_right]Proponents of mindfulness training for the military explain that although war is not ideal, it remains a reality for society today. If soldiers must participate in war, they should receive training that will not only help prepare them for combat, but also help them manage the stress and trauma associated with it.

For the military to be successful, soldiers must be able to absorb a large amount of information at once and be able to make quick decisions without succumbing to overwhelm or stress. For this reason, mindfulness-based training programs are being introduced in the military, one of the most visible being Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training (MMFT).

MMFT is a 20-hour course designed to increase resilience to stress for those working in high-stress environments. The program is based on the principle of mental fitness. Mentally fit, according to the program, is defined as being efficient in four capacities:

Mindfulness training teaches these important skills that not only help soldiers on the battlefield, but also help ease their return home.

Mindfulness Before Combat

The period before a combat deployment for many in the military is highly demanding both mentally and physically. Not only are service members intensively training for their upcoming mission, but they’re also psychologically preparing to leave their families behind and enter into a dangerous environment.

The University of Miami conducted a mindfulness study of 75 soldiers stationed in Hawaii awaiting deployment to Afghanistan. The results of the study indicated that just 8 hours of mindfulness training during an 8-week period helped improve the soldiers’ attention span and prevented their minds from wandering when subjected to tests that measured those factors. The University of Miami study suggests even brief mindfulness training programs may help improve the cognitive functioning of deploying military personnel.

The University of California, San Diego School of Medicine and Naval Health Research Center published a study in May 2014 in the American Journal of Psychiatry that explored whether integrating mindfulness practices to increase mind and body awareness into pre-deployment training could help reduce the occurrence of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, and anxiety in returning soldiers.

During this study, pre-combat Marine infantrymen learned various mindfulness meditation techniques, including interoception, which is the ability to help the body regulate and sustain its homeostasis by cultivating awareness of bodily sensations such as heart rate, stomach tightening, and skin tingling. The Marines then underwent a mock combat scenario with a highly realistic ambush in a scene designed to resemble one they might encounter in the Middle East. The study examined the Marines’ heart and breathing rates and compared the results of those who received mindfulness training to a group that did not. The group that received mindfulness training returned to baseline sooner than those who hadn’t.

Mindfulness After Combat

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) estimates about 1 in 5 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans return experiencing PTSD. With such a high rate of occurrence, it is important that soldiers have access to effective treatment options. Although medication is still highly prescribed, it may not be effective for treating all the emotional and cognitive aspects of PTSD. Mindfulness training, according to the VA’s National Center for PTSD, The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) estimates that about 1 in 5 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans return experiencing PTSD. With such a high rate of occurrence, it is important that soldiers have access to effective treatment options. Although medication is still highly prescribed, it may not be effective for treating all the emotional and cognitive aspects of PTSD.however, has been proven to help those experiencing PTSD cope with anxiety and hyperarousal—two conditions commonly reported by returning veterans. Additionally, the National Center for PTSD says mindfulness can be useful either as a complementary or stand-alone treatment.

Virtual mindfulness training programs have also been used to help teach veterans mindfulness practices as well as connect them to a larger veteran community, all in the comfort of their own homes. Coming Home, a project developed by the University of Southern California’s Institute for Creative Technologies and sponsored by the U.S. Army’s Research, Development, and Engineering Command, is a post-deployment transitional support program offered virtually to veterans who are reintegrating into civilian life. Through this program, veterans learn the principles of mindfulness-based stress reduction using an avatar character in the 3D virtual world of Second Life. The program not only helps veterans learn mindfulness and reduce stress, but it also provides a social component, which may be especially valuable for veterans living in areas where they may not have access to services or a larger veteran community locally.

Research continues to reveal benefits mindfulness training provides for soldiers both before and after combat. These benefits in some cases have the potential to be life-saving, both from improved situational awareness and stress resilience during battle and from decreasing the intensity and occurrence of posttraumatic stress symptoms, which are often linked to a high rate of veteran suicides.

References:

  1. Gregoire, C. (2015, February 18). Mindfulness training improves resilience of active duty soldiers. Huffington Post. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/18/mindfulness-military-_n_6704804.html
  2. Minds at Attention: Military and Mindfulness. (2015, February 12). University of Miami: College of Arts and Sciences. Retrieved from: http://www.as.miami.edu/news/news-archive/minds-at-attention-military-and-mindfulness.html
  3. PTSD: National Center for PTSD. (n.d.). Mental Health Effects of Servicing in Afghanistan and Iraq. Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/reintegration/overview-mental-health-effects.asp
  4. Stanley, E.A. & Schaldach, J.M. (2011 January). Mindfulness-based mind fitness training (MMFT). Mind Fitness Training Institute. Retrieved from: http://www.mind-fitness-training.org/MMFTOverviewNarrative.pdf
  5. Teaching Veterans Virtually. (2011, April 5). Retrieved from: http://www.mindful.org/news/teaching-veterans-virtually
  6. University of California, San Diego. (2014, May 16). War and Peace (of Mind): Mindfulness training for military could help them deal with stress. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140516092519.htm
  7. Veterans Relearn Compassion through Meditation. (n.d.) Retrieved from: http://www.mindful.org/the-mindful-society/veterans-relearn-compassion-through-meditation

Young woman sitting on a bench in a city parkWhat is it that many people who struggle with individuating have in common? In many cases, it’s lacking the ability to like, admire, and value themselves. Without that capacity, they were deprived of the tools to forge identities as people with self-esteem who know what they want and how to get it.

For many of the people I work with in therapy, it is clear that their early family experiences contributed to making it difficult to say something like, “I’m a valuable human being. I like myself. I deserve admiration and recognition.” What these formative experiences tend to have in common are communications from loved ones that conveyed critical, devaluing, or untrustworthy messages that failed to provide necessary developmental cues that build self-confidence and self-esteem. In some families—in contrast to negative communication—the absence of positive communication failed to give the child the building blocks to become a person with good feelings about himself or herself.

[fat_widget_right]When I think about these childhood experiences, I remember hearing about many negative consequences that limited some people’s abilities to think well of themselves and to successfully navigate their relationships in the world. These children grew up with concerns about failure, worry about being spoiled, fear of shame and humiliation, fear of being seen as full of themselves or stupid, expectations of criticism, emotional neglect or lack of interest—sadly, the list can go on.

Some common family behaviors that interfere with positive self-feelings include:

Not every child who grows up in a family where he or she encounters these dynamics in a parent-child relationship has problems with self-confidence and self-esteem, but many struggle as adults to develop positive self-feelings that are best developed in early childhood. To illustrate the struggle to become individuated from family and learn to see oneself as valuable, I am going to briefly discuss my work with Oliver. He is a person I work with in therapy whose parents were unable to recognize his special talent of writing. In his case, their overall inability to recognize any of his fine attributes—his humor, kindness, or curiosity—were a serious detriment to positive self-experience.

Lack of Recognition for the Child’s Talents and Special Personhood

Oliver is a writer. At least, that’s how I think about him. If you ask him about himself and what he does, he will tell you, “I work for magazines and newspapers.” When Oliver came to see me, he was 29 years old and struggling to write his second novel. Three years ago, he had decided to destroy the manuscript of his first novel after it was rejected by a publisher. He vowed never to write another novel. But six months before he came to see me, he began work on a second novel. He found himself facing blank pages and unable to move forward with his work.

Oliver declared himself depressed when we first met. He was also angry with himself and his parents. In an early session, tearing up and ranting, he softly shouted, “I don’t know why I think I can write a novel. I should have listened to my parents. They never made anything of my writing. They never said it was good or bad. They discouraged me from pursuing creative writing, especially as I got older. They never read most of my work and they just kept focusing on how writers don’t make a living. Now I’m like them. I can’t seem to believe in myself. “

I asked Oliver how he managed to pursue writing with so little encouragement from his parents. He told me, “I had some teachers who really thought I was a terrific writer. Even as early as elementary school, teachers would proclaim how creative I was. I loved their praise, but it was never easy to fully believe. Still, by high school I was on the newspaper and the creative writing journal. I majored in English in college and even won awards for my writing. Even so, especially since high school, I’ve had a lot of self-doubt. I would always hand things in late because I never thought anything was good enough. When my novel was rejected, that was absolute confirmation.”

I responded, “It seems to me you don’t fully believe you can’t do it. Rather, you have some conflict about whether or not you have what it takes as a creative writer. You started another novel last year. What are your thoughts about how you were able to do that?”

“I don’t know, exactly. Even in high school I would love and hate working on the paper or journal. It was hard to believe my stuff was any good even when it got published. One day I think I have it, and the next I know I don’t and never did. When I was working as a fact-checker for a magazine last year, a friend of mine told me about a freelance opportunity to write some articles based on interviews with people in the tech industry. I decided to do it since it felt straightforward and didn’t need a lot of creativity. When I completed the assignment, I felt really good. It did seem creative, and I got good feedback. I think it gave me a high, and I started the new book. Since then I’ve crashed. Who am I kidding? I’ve been out of college for seven years now. I’m going to turn 30. Nothing is happening. Honestly, I don’t believe I’m much good at anything right now. I don’t have a permanent job, I don’t have a girlfriend, and my relationships with my family are awful. Thank goodness I have a few good friends. I can’t seem to get what I want and I don’t even know what that is.”

Oliver described his inability to believe he has the capacity to get what he wants from life. He doubts his ability to be a creative writer, and he is negative about himself and conveys no sense of valuing or liking himself. As we continued to talk, Oliver explained how his parents were short on praise and encouragement in most areas of his life. He sounded bitter as he stated, “It wasn’t only about writing. My parents were short on extolling my virtues. They weren’t really critical; they just never said anything very positive. They always commented about people having swelled heads or bragging if they said something positive about themselves. I guess I believed them and tried to be sure I kept the size of my head to a minimum.”

Oliver and I have work to do. My job will be to help Oliver recognize the ways in which these early communications affected the negative expectations he developed about himself. He needs to become aware of how the lack of admiration I believe it is important for all children to feel that their parents see them as special—certainly not all the time, but frequently enough. Being seen as special contributes to bolstering a child’s development of a positive self as he or she goes through all the challenging life experiences that raise questions about how special, valuable, or capable he or she is.and recognition from his parents—not just for his creativity, but for all his valuable qualities—interfered with his ability to see himself as a worthwhile, competent, talented man. As he increasingly recognizes the effects of his past on his present and it becomes real emotionally, Oliver will be more able to develop his self and feel as if he is not the person his parents defined, but rather a person of his own making.

It is vital for adults who struggle with negative self-feelings to be able to discover the ways in which old family dynamics sent messages both consciously and unconsciously. Parents function as mirrors for their children so they can see their reflections and learn about themselves, and it’s how children come to define and know themselves in their positive and negative aspects. When there is little positive reflected back to a child, the development of a poor self-image and low self-esteem is likely. It is extremely difficult to develop and believe in a sense of self that is contrary to the parents’ negative definitions of who a child is.

I believe it is important for all children to feel that their parents see them as special—certainly not all the time, but frequently enough. Being seen as special contributes to bolstering a child’s development of a positive self as he or she goes through all the challenging life experiences that raise questions about how special, valuable, or capable he or she is. When that is not part of a person’s childhood experience, the task as an adult becomes to learn how to provide it for oneself.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

You are not alone—not everybody loves the holidays, and plenty of people hate them. Thanksgiving is only round one. Not long after, you get socked with a real haymaker, the endgame (literally, December)—Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or whatever version of party-on you choose … or that’s been chosen for you, I suppose.

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Not to mention it gets really dark really early now and, depending where you live, perhaps freezing cold and snowy. The celebrations you don’t feel part of, plus the longer nights, the light deprivation, and the crappy weather, can cause emotional and physiological reactions that make you feel even worse.

A lot of people struggle with the commercialization of the season as well; many stores set up holiday displays and started piping in seasonal music before summer was out! For many people, the significance of the holidays, or what they’re supposed to stand for, is lost in the hustle and bustle.

No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year. It may seem like everybody else is celebrating with special loved ones and you’re not, and you may feel all alone and, worse, obligated to join celebrations you don’t feel are for you. But remember, not everyone has family, not everyone has family they want to spend time with, and not all families have learned to put aside the family drama and just let everybody have a good time together.

There’s a store near where I live. Every year about this time, they put a sign in their window: “Sharpen your knives for the holidays.” It’s a hardware store, so I read it literally—bring in your knives and we’ll sharpen them right up. But for what? I always wonder. Are those knives for slicing up turkey and ham or for self-defense? Do we kind of feel like turkeys and hams, sitting around the big table with all those relatives we have nothing to say to and who don’t like us much either?

No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year.

Do you have to see your family? Spending time with friends instead can be enjoyable. Would you feel guilty if you did that?

Put aside for a moment family obligations. What would YOU like to do? What would make YOU happy? Some reflection on why, specifically, the holidays are so rough for you may help guide you as you search for ways to get through them. Any form of self-care might do. You deserve to feel taken care of, even if it’s you doing the caretaking.

Forget, for a moment, everyone else’s expectations of you—which are probably based on the expectations others have of them, anyway. What are YOUR expectations, both of yourself and of others? The weight of feeling like you have to meet someone else’s expectations can add to heaviness of the holidays. Know what matters to you and strive for that, first and foremost.

On the other hand, how long do the holidays last? Two dinners together can’t last longer than, say, twelve hours all together? Six hours each, maybe? Of course, in some families, even that much time can feel like an eternity. It may be that you have to set boundaries in order to ensure that your needs are met. This could mean limiting your exposure to family gatherings or festivities in whatever way makes them manageable or palatable. Two hours per event? Three? A $10 limit per gift? No gifts? Whatever you decide, no guilt necessary; you’re simply doing what you need to do.

Is there somebody you can talk to? There is always somebody, even if that person is a therapist, support group, help line, or faith or church community. I can assure you that you are not alone, and that many other people out there would likely find comfort in knowing you feel the same way they do. If you can’t bear the thought of family time, let like-minded people be your tribe this season—a season that will mercifully pass.

Sincerely,
Lynn

Depressed in a Dark HallwayOne of the most profound injuries of divorce and the end of a marriage is the loss of a sense of place. Marriage touches on our deepest sense of belonging, and without that grounded experience of knowing we are in our rightful place, we may feel terrified and alone. The feeling of being adrift without a “due north” can trigger a sense of panic that can only be felt when you feel no earth beneath your feet.

Several years ago, when my mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she was often disoriented and lost. Never feeling solid in where she was, she would express a desire to go “home” even when she was already there. This was heartbreaking and hard to hear, but it made me aware of how our sense of place is not always about the external environment in which we live. I came to understand that feeling at home is as much an internal experience as it is a concrete manifestation of a place in time.

We all need a place in the world where we can go to feel safe. For most people, the first thing that usually comes to mind when asked where they feel the most safe is home. We associate our homes as being places of refuge, and it’s in our homes that we feel the most comfortable. This makes perfect sense, particularly since we feel the most at peace when we experience a sense of belonging and connection to where we are. Like you, perhaps, I spend a lot of time working on my home and trying to make it a place I can feel proud of and connected to. This is an important practice particularly when we’re coming off of an experience where our sense of place has been fragmented, as with divorce.

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When my marriage ended, I was both emotionally and physically displaced from what I had considered to be my home. As the years pass, I have moments of homesickness where I long for the feeling I had when I was married with an intact family life. I catch myself getting sad and longing for something other than what I have in the present moment. I have learned to name this as homesickness because it helps me to remind myself that I belong where I am now, not in a life that no longer exists.

Coping with homesickness after a divorce is an essential piece of the healing process. When we feel like we don’t belong anywhere, we’re at risk of depression and other mental health issues. Feeling connected to a place is part of our human condition, and sometimes we need to create that when we feel lost and disconnected from what we know or knew.

Here are four ways to begin healing your homesickness post-divorce:

  1. Name the feeling: Homesickness manifests in many forms, and it doesn’t always present clearly. Homesickness can feel like depression, nostalgia, regret, grief, and apathy. If you think back to being homesick as a child while at camp or somewhere else away from your family, you’ll likely remember it was a very sad experience. It was clear, however, what you were missing because you had a place you were supposed to go back to eventually. With divorce there is no going back, so it’s a harder experience to identify because it doesn’t really make sense. Naming your feeling as homesickness may ease the suffering, and then you can take steps toward healing that loss in the moment.
  2. Establish a sit spot: A sit spot is a place one goes to often and regularly to look, listen, feel, smell, and even taste the surrounding landscape. A sit spot creates a feeling of consistency and routine, and it trains the mind and heart to seek out a particular place for relief. Knowing you have a particular spot in your garden or near your home that you can go to when you feel homesick will offer an active step and a way to feel some relief. You can also create a sit spot inside your home if going outside feels uncomfortable. The idea is about consistency and a deep trust that this is a place you belong.
  3. Make nature a second home: I have also extended my internal sense of home into the bigger landscape of nature. I have asked many people where they felt safest as a child, and the answer is often “in nature.” There is something about the trees, plants, and earth that welcomes us home and embraces us in a loving hug. This is a particularly great alternative to finding a home post-divorce when the actual structure in which you reside isn’t pleasant. Often, our homes become challenging spaces when a divorce is happening due to toxicity or bad memories. Nature provides relief and a clean space for healing and grounding into a place of belonging.
  4. Create an image: Imagery is as powerful as reality because it’s what surfaces from our dreams and deep beneath our consciousness. Activating an image of home can come from drawing or painting what you see as home. It doesn’t have to be a literal representation, just an image of what you see as this place. Allow yourself the space to dream and imagine your home will trickle into your nighttime dreams and a vision of what this means will take shape. If you’re an intimidated artist, you can cut pictures out of magazines and create a collage of home.

Know that whatever path you take, you have the right to both an internal and external home. Remembering that you can go inside or outside to create this sense of belonging and place may help you through the moments when you feel adrift and alone.

Motorcyclist on the Open RoadAs a psychotherapist who helps a lot of middle-aged men, I have learned that, as with so many pop psychology clichés, there is much more to the male “midlife crisis” than meets the eye. The problems and challenges that crop up in middle age are less about outside circumstances, which we can’t control, and more about one’s psychology and perspective. In the paragraphs that follow, we’ll discuss (1) how this so-called crisis is really an intensified version of an issue that’s always present, (2) why that is, and (3) what can be done about it.

We are familiar with the pop culture-inspired image of the middle-aged man who suddenly feels “old,” his youthfulness scarily draining away, which leads to a reckless fling or pursuit of a younger woman, often with disastrous results. Think of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty lusting after his teenage daughter’s friend; two grown men behaving like the erratic college roomies they once were in Sideways; or Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (note how well that worked out!).

Whatever your moral view, these dramatized antics often strike a chord with audiences. Why is that?

The issue isn’t so much moral as one of perception. It calls for deeper understanding of one’s own inner world, and of one’s own vulnerability.

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In middle age, many men find, perhaps for the first time, that mortality becomes real, physical, in a way that can’t be denied. But that mortality, our human vulnerability, is always present, whether we are conscious of it or not.

One of the great privileges of youth is denial of that limitation, an embrace of invincibility, a vital rebuke to the idea of aging and death. Life is finite. This implies not only our own eventual demise, which scares us, but also the demise of those closest to us (also scary). We all have to live with a ticking clock, which is both a curse and a blessing; I’ll explain why later. At a certain point, the clock can no longer be ignored.

I’m thinking of some of the men in therapy with me who are creeping up on middle age and noticing their bodies don’t quite have the same resilience; no more boxing, no more marathons. Such activities had lent an aura of invincibility that won’t be coming back. Suddenly, eight hours of sleep seems very important, and the mind isn’t quite the steel trap it used to be. Viagra and Cialis are given a look, and body parts that weren’t even on the radar begin to ache. (As I write this, my lower back is sorer than it used to be.) That ticking clock makes its presence known, in ways both subtle and obvious.

It was always there, of course, but we tend to deny it—which is not to say we ought to obsess or brood over it like Woody Allen in Hannah and Her Sisters, where he says, “Do you realize what a thread we’re hanging by?” But sooner or later, deal with it we must; our aches and pains and other signs of compromised endurance serve as uncomfortable reminders that time is a kind of currency, and none of us has unlimited amounts to spend. We must, at some time or another, consider how we really want to be spending it.

Sometimes, other unexpected losses occurring in middle age can be uneasy reminders of that existential clock: we may lose a high school friend or a parent; we might experience new medical issues; we find ourselves unhappy with our work or career; or perhaps longstanding relationship issues become more challenging. Knowing we’re mortal intellectually is very different from sensing it in our very bones.

These and other encounters with mortality are indicators of what psychoanalyst and philosopher Robert Stolorow (2007) calls “finitude,” the concept that to be human means accepting the finiteness of time and human limitations, including the big kahuna of mortality itself. These reminders can themselves be “triggers” for those who experienced trauma earlier in life. Psychologists sometimes call this “emotional linkage.”

Can’t we just have a fling or watch some porn or take a pill?

I think this is why therapy can seem so frightening. In therapy people face their vulnerabilities—and that can mean acknowledging that clock, which even therapists are sometimes reluctant to recognize. (Those of us in helping professions who duck the issue, who don’t face it in some basic way, are doing ourselves and the people we work with a disservice.)

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

One thing that surprises many men who come to see me is that the limitations and finiteness they are encountering in a newly anxious way have, as noted earlier, been there all along. The loss of the ability to box, run, work, work out, and have sex with the same vigor and stamina may be subtle, if potent, reminders of times in the past when one felt overwhelmingly weak or defenseless in the face of unbearable pain. Perhaps abuse or abandonment occurred and equally intense self-protections were needed, ways of building the person back up again. The original trauma may have necessarily been forgotten for the sake of survival, but here are those feelings and memories again, with their same implications of shameful “weakness” and vulnerability. Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty.

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc. Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids. These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited. The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. (Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, provided it’s not the only means of enjoying life.) If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world.

When we can at least take a stab at accepting our humanness, when we can live in abundance and in the present moment no matter our circumstances, then our world can open up to us in unexpected ways. Human connection becomes more valuable, and authenticity and emotional truth become something to strive for rather than fear or dread. As we come to accept that, as men, it’s OK to need support and love from others in facing what is frightening, we can better help and support others in their own times of grief and loss.

Of course, facing our humanness can be very difficult and messy, and often prompts the raising of hairy questions such as, “Am I happy in my work? At home? How do I deal with aging parents and their impending loss? Is it time to forgive and forget? What do I really care about? Will the ‘real me’ please stand up?”

This is not to say, by the way, that physical activity or outside “stuff” doesn’t matter. (I would not turn down a free sports car.) It’s just that so many men who come to me for help have put all of their psychological eggs in that particular basket. When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. (Carl Jung, for one, felt that therapy truly began in middle age.)

So many who begin working at this—via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means—discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. There is as much beauty in the human soul as in the natural world, if not more so. Some tender scrubbing at a tarnished heart often reveals a priceless gem. Hard to believe? Why not try it?

It’s not the fears and hidden demons that can hurt us, it’s the persistent avoidance of them that gets us into trouble.

There’s no shame in asking for help (from a therapist, religious or spiritual adviser, trusted friend, even a family member). The practice of gazing, with assistance if need be, into our own psychic mirrors in the end helps us enjoy even more the joys of exercise, food, drink, sex, and embodied aliveness.

Water is most valued when the well runs dry, as the old saying goes. I believe we are meant to enjoy our pleasurable sensory experiences, but not as a total escape from our all-too-human situation. We are all in the same boat with this than most of us ever realize.

Reference:

Stolorow, R. D. (2007). Trauma and human existence. New York: The Analytic Press.

Girl Having Argument With Mother At Candy CounterThere are some common misunderstandings about what codependency is. It used to be that when one heard the term codependency, it was associated with being in a relationship with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. The term codependency is now more commonly associated with being emotionally dependent on others in relationships. While we are all emotionally dependent on others to some degree, when we make decisions that go against our value system in order to avoid rejection and anger, we are creating a codependent dynamic within the family system.

As parents, we want to avoid family dynamics that perpetuate codependency. Research (1999) indicates that patterns within the family system can be passed down through generations. Parents need to be aware of codependent patterns within the family system so that they can recognize when it’s necessary to break the cycle. If the cycle continues and is passed down as codependency patterns within the family system, the children may be likely to enter into codependent relationships and pass codependency patterns down to their children as well. [fat_widget_right]

Some behaviors for parents to be aware of in order to recognize and avoid perpetuating codependency patterns include:

Being too rigid: When parents are so controlling of their children’s behavior that children don’t have the opportunity to explore their own choices, parents send a message to their children that they aren’t responsible for their choices and that someone else has all the power. Their children may then be more likely to choose relationships where they feel powerless.

Using your child to get your needs met: Parents need to ensure that they get their own needs met in other areas of their life such as hobbies, work, and relationships so that they don’t live vicariously through their children. Parents who live vicariously through their children risk sending their children the message that they must have their parents’ approval. While it is normal for children to go through a phase where they seek their parent’s approval, the need for parental approval could carry on into adulthood.

When parents come up with a plan of action instead of allowing their children to develop a plan of action, they are interfering with the opportunity to develop problem solving skills.Acting on the desire to solve their problems: When children talk about their problems, parents need to listen more without offering advice as opposed to becoming reactive and/or trying to rescue children from their problems. If given the opportunity through a safe place to explore their feelings and options, children may be more successful at learning how to solve their own problems. Parents can provide support to encourage their children to be creative in finding ways to solve their problems.

When parents come up with a plan of action instead of allowing their children to develop a plan of action, they are interfering with the opportunity to develop problem solving skills. Children then receive the message that they are not capable of solving their own problems and that someone else needs to solve their problems for them. As adults, they could potentially be more likely to enter into relationships where they are told what to do.

How Can Parents Avoid Perpetuating Codependency Patterns Within the Family System?

In order to avoid passing down codependency patterns within the family system, parents need to facilitate children in developing a strong sense of self. By implementing some of these practices, parents can be proactive in helping their children develop a solid and healthy sense of self-esteem:

Reference:

Burris, C. T. (1999). Stand by your (exploitive) man: Codependency and responses to performance feedback. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 18(3), 277-298. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/224867940?accountid=1229

Portrait of unhappy young couple having problemsSeveral minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a “Fall Fun Festival,” I could tell something wasn’t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. “Are you mad at me?” I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, “No, it’s fine,” and walked out the door to run some errands.

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way—me probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he’s mad, but he’s not TELLING me he’s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can’t he tell me how he feels?

There’s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (“What’s going on for you right now? You look angry”). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that’s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.

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Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:

  1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds. While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions is after the intensity of the moment has passed.
  2. Check in with yourself about how you’re feeling in the moment. Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what’s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn’t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood is impacting you and the relationship. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.
  3. Assume your partner’s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity. The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.

It took a long time for me to find the words to say, “Hey, I’m feeling really distant from you right now. It’s a lonely, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.” It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience—whether he was actually angry at me or feeling a variety of other ways.

If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist.

Before I try to answer your question, I have to come clean. When my husband Mark and I first met 30 years ago I lived with a 7-year-old boy, two snakes, two cats, a dog, a bunch of tropical fish, two turtles, and, if I remember correctly, a couple of hamsters. All this in a typical (read small) Manhattan apartment. After we wed, Mark said, “I didn’t just marry Lynn—I joined her biosphere.”

Mark had grown up with almost no pets, except, after much lengthy pleading, a goldfish his mother bought him, and which died pretty fast.

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I have never lived without a pet, and I loved all the members of what Mark called my biosphere, even my son’s snakes! I had those creatures before I met Mark, so I did most of the work, which was fair, except Mark kindly walked the dog every morning and sometimes at night, too, and he cleaned out the cat box when I was pregnant. He has learned to feed the livestock if he gets up first, but he refuses to sleep with any animals other than me. That was a blow to me and the cats, but we adjusted.

Now Mark says, “I’ve grown to like the beasts.” When he says this, I think (but do not say), “Beasts? What beasts?”

The snakes, the dog, the fish, the turtles, and the hamsters all died eventually, and we slowly pared down on livestock, but I cannot bear a house without cats. I have always lived with cats. My earliest happy memory is visiting a mama cat and her newborn babies.

My thoughts about you and your girlfriend, the dog and the two cats? First off, I think all members of a household, both furry and not so furry, have to agree before adopting anyone new. No one joins up unless everybody is on board. The puppy is the new baby, and I wonder when and how he or she appeared. Was there discussion? The ASPCA and other adoption agencies (pet stores, not so much) try to make sure all family members agree before adding a new member to the family. This protects the furries and the less furry. Cats and dogs are a responsibility, and taking one into your home is like having a child. You are responsible for the animal’s well-being. They deserve love, compassion, and respect—just like humans.

The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Through no fault of their own, furry companions walk into the line of fire and elicit strong emotional reactions between people. The furries become symbols of communication problems. They can be a bridge between their people or they can be a dividing line. This is not fair to anyone.

I suggest that you and your girlfriend have a long and frank talk together, not only about the pets but also (and most importantly) how you connect and make decisions together. You might consider relationship counseling so you can get back on track. The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Dr. Joel Gavriele-Gold wrote a book about this called When Pets Come Between Partners: How to Keep Love—and Romance—in the Human/Animal Kingdom of Your Home. You and your girlfriend might want to read it together.

Best wishes,
Lynn

Teenage boy lying on his bed at home using a smartphone to textOne of the most difficult issues I see today for parents is sexting—the sending of sexually explicit messages, pictures, or videos via text message. Texting in general has only existed for the past 15 to 20 years, and because it is still so new, parents usually don’t have a reference for it from their own childhoods.

Children are using devices more than ever to connect with one another. Some studies indicate that almost 80% of adolescents ages 12 to 17 own a cell phone, and almost 50% own a smartphone. Many of the apps that children use to communicate are rapidly changing and unfamiliar to adults. The lack of familiarity can create a sense of helplessness for many parents, which may make this issue a particularly difficult and scary one. To help with this, I’ve created a guide to hopefully make the issue of sexting less overwhelming for parents.

Understanding the Risks

To begin with, one should consider why children sext. Studies show most children say sexual messages are initially sent as a sign of love. For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush. Sometimes peer pressure plays a role, as children are pressured into sending a message they are not completely comfortable with.

The risk of sending a sexual message is that once it goes out, the sender has little to no control over who sees it. In 2009, there was a case in Pennsylvania in which a high school girl’s phone was confiscated by a teacher who found semi-nude photos stored in the phone and turned it over to authorities.

[fat_widget_right]Instances such as this teach us that even if a message is intended to be private, there is no guarantee it will stay that way. Children and teens should understand that anything they send into the digital world—a text, a message on social media, or even an email—might be seen by others. Teaching children about the risks also sends the message that the adults in their lives are available and willing to help.

Here are five steps parents can take when dealing with children or teens who are sexting.

1. Acknowledge Difficult Feelings

I think it is completely understandable and natural for parents to be deeply disturbed when their children send these types of messages, and acknowledging these feelings is often a good place to start. At times, the anxiety around this issue can become so overwhelming that it is difficult to see any ways to help. I encourage parents to discuss their children’s use of technology and the feelings surrounding it. Therapy can also provide an outlet to process some of the difficult reactions this issue brings up.

2. Recognize Core Issues Have Not Changed

Once parents have processed their initial reactions, I encourage them to try to see these messages as an expression of feelings that function similar to love letters from earlier times. As discussed earlier, the factors that generally cause adolescents to sext—teenagers in relationships, seeking approval from peers, and peer pressure—are hardly new. Most parents have vivid memories of grappling with these issues as adolescents, and recognizing those reference points can be empowering. This can help parents to relate more to their children and make the issue less foreign.

3. Realize What Will Not Solve the Problem

It is important to remember that children often get a lot of benefits from connecting with peers through their devices. These connections serve an important developmental purpose, and simply taking away a child’s phone or shutting down their social media accounts often does more harm than good. Children are surprisingly adept at getting around these types of limitations as well. Don’t assume the problem is fixed by trying to restrict their communication avenues.

4. Help Children Process Feelings

For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush.While children are well versed in technology, they often lack the emotional maturity to process the potentially negative things that can happen in the digital world. This is an area where parents can be enormously helpful. I encourage parents to make themselves available to process the difficult feelings and reactions their children have related to their online experience. The more children perceive their parents as available to talk about these feelings with them, the more resilient they will be when they are exposed to something negative.

5. Encourage Other Avenues of Self-Expression

The last step is to help children find other avenues to connect with their peers. Steering a child toward a club, activity, or sport enables them to connect with friends, and freeing up time in their schedule to spend with kids their age may make them less likely to seek connections online. The more children are allowed to connect to others face to face, the less likely they will be to try and fill a void in the digital world.

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Because technology has changed so dramatically in the past several years, parents and children are at risk of becoming disconnected. If parents are able to reflect on this issue, understand the reasons their children use devices, and come to see how children may be struggling with many of the issues their parents dealt with in childhood, they may be able to help their children find healthier and more productive ways of meeting their emotional needs.

References:

  1. A common sense research study. (2011).  Zero to eight: Children’s media use in America. Retrieved from https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america
  2. Guzzardo, J. (2010). School violated student’s privacy in ‘sexting’ case, lawsuit says. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/21/pennsylvania.racy.photos
  3. Rosin, H. (2014). Why kids sext. Fresh Air Podcast.  Retrieved from http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2014/10/15/356393531/why-kids-sext-describes-nude-photos-as-social-currency-among-teens
  4. Teens and technology. (2013, March 13). Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/files/old-media/Files/Reports/2013/PIP_TeensandTechnology2013.pdf

Artistic representation of person holding cage of stardustSensitivity is often referred to in a negative context. Phrases such as “You’re too sensitive” can be commonplace when someone expresses strong emotions. Much of American society is not set up to honor the needs of highly sensitive people.

By definition, a highly sensitive person (HSP) is someone who has an innate high degree of sensory processing sensitivity and emotional intelligence. Studies show these people are naturally more sensitive to stimuli, whether it be loud noises, strong smells, or bright lights. They may startle easily, feel emotions strongly, and may be more affected by substances such as caffeine and alcohol.

Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates that 15-20% of people are highly sensitive. Natural selection has continued this trait, as there can be many advantages to heightened sensitivity. Highly sensitive people might be different from the general population, but they are different in a way that could be useful—and perhaps crucial—to the function of society.

Here are eight traits HSPs typically have that could make the world a better place:

1. Awareness of Surroundings

Highly sensitive people have a high degree of sensory awareness. They are often first to spot an animal in the wild. Strong awareness and attunement to the natural environment can be beneficial when it comes to recognizing threats and avoiding dangerous situations.

[fat_widget_right]They are also keenly aware of how environment impacts mood and are skilled at knowing what it takes to create a pleasant environment. An office worker may feel agitated upon arriving to work every day but fail to recognize how a messy cubicle may be contributing to his or her emotional well-being. An HSP could walk into the room and immediately recognize the ill effect of the disordered stack of papers piled on the desk.

“Highly sensitive people are very aware of stimulants in their environment,” said Vicki Botnick, MA, MS, LMFT, marriage and family therapist. “It’s as if they have finely tuned antennae that can pick up minute changes in sound, color, light, and other peoples’ moods. In addition, they can become even more vigilant to ward against the discomfort this sensitivity causes. If a simple doorbell sounds to you like a painfully loud gong, you’re going to be on the alert so you can avoid feeling overstimulated. A benefit of all this attunement is a greater understanding not only of the sensory world, but how other people might react to their surroundings.”

2. Creativity and Innovation

Highly sensitive people may be more stimulated by external stimuli, so when they turn their focus inward, their energy can be channeled creatively.

Many HSPs are visionaries and inventors. They have vivid imaginations with colorful imagery and rich sensory details.  Highly sensitive people are more likely to be right-brained dominant, meaning their thinking is less linear, which can make them more creative, intuitive, and curious. They may process information, experiences, and situations in a deeper, fuller way, making them more open to possibility and better able to connect the dots and find the missing pieces.

Creative people tend to think in more reflective and innovative ways than the general population, Botnick said.

“Highly sensitive people, who are taking in so much information and trying to make sense of it, often find they can capitalize on this perceptiveness by applying it artistically,” Botnick said. “By painting or writing, they can make use of their intellectual insights (the idea behind the work) while also combining them with their sensory insights (the look and feel of the work itself).”

3. Sense of Empathy and Compassion

Because HSPs are more keenly aware of emotions, they may be better able to sense what others are feeling and typically have more empathy, compassion, and genuine concern for others as a result.

They are typically more aware of nonverbal cues and can easily read others, picking up on subtle emotions that most people might miss. Many HSPs report experiencing another person’s emotions as if they were their own.

A 2014 study scanned the brains of self-reported HSPs to determine how they responded to the emotions of others. When researchers presented study participants with photos of people experiencing happy or sad emotions, they found that areas of the brain involved with awareness and empathetic feelings had greater blood flow in HSPs than in those without high sensitivity.

4. Strong Intuition

Highly sensitive people can be incredibly intuitive. They tend to be more connected with both the personal and collective unconsciousness, giving them access to information that doesn’t come through logic and reason. They are more in tune with their own nature as well as the subtle cues from their surroundings. They can easily sense what is going on beneath the surface and may have a strong knowledge about something without realizing how they received the insight.

Nancy Simon, LCSW, believes HSPs have a strong intuition because they can transcend left brain logic and reasoning easier than the average person.

“They are generally deeper thinkers and not afraid of exploring the unknown—probably due to trusting their intuition,” she said. “Their greater access to the right brain can block out unnecessary logic so they have more immediate access to their intuitive and gut instinct.”

5. Ability to Make Deeper Connections with Others and Themselves

Because they feel things on a deep level, HSPs usually crave meaningful connections. Their high levels of depth, empathy, and emotional intelligence make them excellent partners for those who can relate to and understand their emotional nature. Their profound self-awareness combined with the understanding of what drives others emotionally helps to create powerful, lasting relationships.

Their high level of self-awareness can also contribute to a stronger ability to recognize negative patterns deep within themselves. A 2015 study published in Personality and Individual Differences looked at 166 girls ages 11 and 12 experiencing depression. After presented with a 12-week class on reframing depressive thoughts, researchers found the girls with higher than average sensitivity were better able to internalize and apply the lessons, leading to a significant decrease in depression symptoms.

6. Ability to Notice Details and Subtleties  

Highly sensitive people might be different from the general population, but they are different in a way that could be useful—and perhaps crucial—to the function of society.Highly sensitive people typically have keen senses and rarely miss even the smallest of details. Heightened senses might amount to more vivid hues, stronger smells, louder sounds, subtler tastes, and more sensitive touch. Because everything is amplified, everything is noticed.

If someone makes even a small change to the environment, such as moving a vase from a table to a window, an HSP is usually the first to notice. They tend to process information more carefully and can easily spot changes as well as errors or mistakes. These skills can be beneficial in most aspects of life and are particularly useful in careers in which being detail oriented is a desired trait.

“People with high sensitivity are firing on all cylinders,” Botnick said. “They are often receptive not just in terms of the physical world, with its strong sounds, smells, and tastes, but in the world of the mind as well. A sensitive person is a hyper-aware person, who might notice subtleties that other people would miss, such as a small movement of someone’s mouth that might indicate anger or a below-the-radar shift in how a group of people are interacting.”

7. More Conscientious

Highly sensitive people are more likely to be self-reflective and think about the consequences of their actions. Due to their empathy and concern for others, they may also have a strong sense of justice and fairness. This can make them more conscientious than the average person, said Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC. They tend to be more considerate of others and typically strive to do what they think is right in every situation.

“For some HSPs, personal and cultural values are exceptionally important, and their feelings associated with their values are heightened,” Malonai said. “This makes for a conscientious person. Justice and fairness are often strongly valued by HSPs because they notice, and are keenly aware of, so much unfairness in the world.”

Because HSPs tend to have a strong sense of empathy, they often have a low tolerance for the pain of others, which can lead to a strong desire for justice in society, Botnick said.

“Seeing the world not in black-and-white certainties but in nuanced shades of gray, they may pull for the underdog, grasp the details of complicated cases, or feel their own moral scruples more deeply than others,” Botnick said.

8. Ability to Be Peacemakers

Because of their heightened sensitivity, HSPs tend to become anxious around conflict and prefer to avoid it if possible.

“I believe that conflict is challenging for them because anger, shaming, and blaming are harsh emotions that can easily overwhelm someone who already has such a tender system,” Simon said.

However, their strong empathy can also ensure they are better equipped at seeing the other person’s point of view. They are naturally more relationship oriented than agenda oriented, making them great mediators if they choose to be active peacemakers. If there is ever a conflict that can’t be settled, an HSP may be able to help establish peace.

“HSPs become highly trained in reading other people and are often eager to dispel any tensions that could cause themselves more stress,” Botnick said. “Because of this, they can also excel at soothing others—sometimes before the other person even knows they’re upset.”

Sensitivity can be an asset rather than a problem. Next time you find someone who you see as being “too sensitive,” remind yourself of the many gifts they can bring to the world.

References:

  1. Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M. D., Collins, N. and Brown, L. L. (2014), The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4: 580–594. doi: 10.1002/brb3.242
  2. Borchard, T. (2015, May 12). The perks of being a highly sensitive person. Everyday Health. Retrieved from http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/perks-of-being-highly-sensitive/?xid=y_sh
  3. Campbell, S. (2015, April 23). 8 advantages highly sensitive people bring to business. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245293
  4. Holmes, L. (2015, June 10). How highly sensitive people interact with the world differently. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/09/highly-sensitive-person-behaviors_n_7543140.html
  5. Pluess, M., & Boniwell, I. (2015). Sensory-processing sensitivity predicts treatment response to a school-based depression prevention program: Evidence of vantage sensitivity. Retrieved from http://www.philosonic.com/michaelpluess_construction/Files/Pluess_2015_Sensory-Processing Sensitivity predicts treatment response to a school-based depression prevention program – Evidence of Vantage Sensitivity.pdf
  6. Wachter, A. (2014, November 12). Advantages of being highly sensitive. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-wachter/advantages-of-being-highl_b_6141146.html
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