Partnerships between individuals who have the traits or diagnosis of autism spectrum (previously including Asperger’s syndrome) and individuals who do not (often called neurotypical) are often challenging from the outset, based on numerous reports from such couples with whom I work in my psychotherapy practice. Over time, say 15 to 20 years, these couples typically become emotionally disengaged, spar constantly, and have long since stopped having sex or any other kind of intimate touch or even conversation. Communication has become transactional. The business of daily life is all there is.

It is not satisfying to either partner. It is frustrating. It feels as if there is no way to turn things around.

The person on the spectrum (ASD) increasingly feels judged, unappreciated, and anxious. The neurotypical (NT) partner feels dismissed, undervalued, and starved for intimacy. It is more often than not the NT partner who will have the urge to bolt. And bolt it is, because at this point, it feels more like running out of a house on fire than running toward a more fulfilling life. Leaving means stopping the pain. The ASD partner is likely to acknowledge not being happy but is unlikely to suggest or initiate separation.

[fat_widget_right]

When couples come in for counseling at this point, the greatest challenge is to help both partners see that each is feeling isolated and hurt; that there is a mutual experience of being judged (even condemned) without the intent to do harm; and that these very real emotions can bring on serious depression. Usually, I see a profound sense of futility in the words of the NT partner, such as, “I just can’t do this anymore because you never listen to me.” The ASD partner is likely to respond with something like, “That’s what you always say.” It is an immediate object lesson for me in what it is like for this couple when they are at home. They may as well exist on parallel—but never converging—planes. They both respond from within their guarded “under attack” position—once again, as usual, with no prospect for change.

If you see yourself in this brief sketch, there are three important things I would suggest for your consideration before you hire an attorney:

1. It Is Likely Neither of You Is Thinking Clearly at This Point

Years of living at crossed purposes has created patterns of defensiveness and hurt in both of you. This is an excellent point for remembering the wisdom in Einstein’s notion that we don’t solve a problem by using the same kind of thinking that created it. These hardened positions of isolation are unlikely to provide either of you with the ability to see your relationship in a new light.

Understanding that you are both confused and hurt, and that neither of you will immediately see a path for healing, is key. Acknowledge the pain. Feel the sorrow, the frustration, the anger. And give yourselves permission to take a hiatus, defined as a period during which you do your best to be mutually respectful. Take a break from even trying to communicate. Rest. Determine in advance how much time you both need before you come back together, renewed, to make a plan for the future.

2. Divorce Is Not the Only Option to Remaining Married

While it may make sense to want to run from pain and start over by rushing to divorce, it is important to understand the unique composition of this relationship. It is likely there is still real love between you, though it may seem deeply buried in wreckage by this time. It is likely you are aligned philosophically on many things, such as child-rearing principles. Regardless of all the pain, there have also been good times, and you are the repository of each other’s memories. You may feel that you speak different languages when it comes to intimate communication, and to getting your emotional needs met within your marriage, but there may also be a great deal about your marriage that is working well. Do you want to throw away everything before considering alternatives?

Understanding that you are both confused and hurt, and that neither of you will immediately see a path for healing, is key. Acknowledge the pain.

And there are alternatives. Each couple I know works on a plan that provides for transitional phases between the marriage as it is and the future. For example, some couples move into separate bedrooms and create schedules for interacting. Some add a condominium to their housing, and create a plan for who lives where and what the terms are for sharing meals, vacations, and space. Some agree to see others during this time. Others need to know they are both being monogamous for the duration, which is defined clearly to both. At a certain point, once a new kind of equilibrium is reached, couples come together again to define the next phase. Maybe they will keep two residences permanently. Maybe they are ready to discuss divorce. Maybe they need to extend this period of transition until they feel more sure of themselves.

3. Counseling Can Help When You Acknowledge the Role of ASD in Your Communication Problems

Because an ASD/NT couple has unique challenges and characteristics, finding a counselor who understands the experience of the individual on the spectrum as well as the experience of the neurotypical partner in this marriage is a tremendous gift you can give to yourselves. You will have the opportunity to have mediated conversations about the things most important in your lives, and for the first time may begin to understand each other’s perspectives.

The NT partner can see that while the pain is great, there has never been an intention to inflict harm: what has always felt like judgment and rejection actually comes from the ASD partner’s drive to tell the truth and to see fairness. The ASD partner can learn that the NT partner’s needs for intimacy and emotional support are valid and that they are not signs of weakness or a demanding nature.

Counseling may not help any particular couple stay together. Sometimes, however, the great gift of counseling is an understanding that there is tragic loss at the heart of this often ill-fated partnership and that respecting each other and loving each other can develop and survive even if the couple eventually decides to divorce.

This can be done with love, with honor, and in good health.

Many children and adolescents with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) have a hard time keeping track of their assignments, after-school activities, doctor’s appointments, and other daily tasks and commitments. Parents, of course, often take on the responsibility of reminding them about these things and making sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. While that certainly helps in the short term and can minimize parenting headaches, providing kids affected by ADHD with opportunities and tools to develop organizational skills is a better long-term strategy.

Helping kids with ADHD keep track of their schedules ideally should begin at a young age with at least keeping them aware of what their schedule is. A large calendar in a common area, a color-coded, hour-by-hour schedule, or a similar item is especially helpful for preschool and elementary school-aged children. Older children and teens may also benefit from calendars on tablets, smartphones, and other portable devices. This can reinforce the idea that technology can be useful as well as fun.

[fat_widget_right]

The following tips are suggested for keeping track of activities on a device:

• Put the school day, after-school activities, doctor’s appointments, trips, etc. into a calendar app. Ideally, it should be synced with one on the family computer.
• Have a shared family calendar, but allow your child to have their own private calendar.
• Encourage them to use alerts as reminders. In some instances, having teens set alerts to go off when they are in specific locations (places outside of school) could be helpful.

For younger children and teens, using a whiteboard or some sort of visual list of tasks can be helpful. Older children and teens often benefit from using task lists on electronic devices (provided they have frequent access to them). However, often kids (and adults, too) put items on a task list and forget to check it, so the tasks do not get done. Thus, here are some suggestions for maximizing the effectiveness of electronic to-do lists:

• Have your child or teen download a few different ones to see what format they like best.
• Especially for younger children, set up lists so you also have access to them.
• For children/teens of all ages, have a private to-do list and a shared one so your child can add items they need you to do (complete permission slips, etc.) and you can add items for them to do (pick up milk after school, etc.).
• Make sure alerts go off at times when your child/teen realistically is able to do the task.
• Take advantage of apps that integrate a task list and calendar and visually show tasks on the calendar at the time they are scheduled to be completed.
• Don’t have your child/teen put every little thing they need to do on the list (say, 20 or 30 items on a single list) because it may be overwhelming and thus decrease the likelihood they follow through on completing items.

No matter which tools you use to help your child or teen with time management, electronic or otherwise, it is important to help them build organizational skills from a young age that extend beyond you constantly reminding them. Learning not only where to be and what to do, but doing so on their own, fosters feelings of self-efficacy and accomplishment, decreases reliance on parents, and is a core skill they can use throughout their lives.

All close relationships have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the fabric of the relationship. At these times, the wounded partner’s experience can typically be summarized as either: “When I needed you most, you weren’t there for me,” or, “I trusted you and you betrayed me.” Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, “I will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.”

Practitioners of emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a well-researched, effective model of couples therapy, call these destructive experiences attachment injuries. EFT encourages hurt partners to share not just the facts about their injury, but the deep pain and sadness they experienced. Offending partners are helped to listen non-defensively, fully understand the emotional impact of their behavior on the injured partner, and express sincere remorse and regret. Couples are then guided through the process of asking for and receiving the comfort and support that was missing at the time of the injury.

[fat_widget_right]

When partners complete this process, many find their bond is not just repaired but strengthened. They understand each other’s needs and experiences in new ways that allow them to be more responsive to each other in the future.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner’s trust, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn’t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such monumental consequences, ashamed of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry your partner was unwilling to move on.

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?

At that moment, your confusion, fear, anger, hurt, or despair placed you at high risk of doing something to make things worse. Or, afraid to say or do the wrong thing, you might have done nothing at all. Either way, your good work in understanding and acknowledging past mistakes could easily be undone.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

What you may not have understood is that you—your presence, comfort, and understanding—were the key to your partner’s recovery. Your partner felt alone and abandoned at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, “Do you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?” If the answer is, “Yes, I’m here and I care, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” your relationship has taken at least a small step forward. If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless, your partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.

A couple I recently saw—I’ll call them Allison and Mark—exemplify how couples can continue to struggle after a heartfelt apology. After months of working on their relationship in therapy, Allison summoned the courage to tell Mark how deeply wounded she had been since a dismissive remark he made to her several years earlier, at a time she was depressed and overwhelmed.

Because of the good work they had already done on their relationship, Mark was able to take in Allison’s experience without defending himself or minimizing her pain. Understanding the magnitude of her wound, he was stricken. He expressed his heartfelt apology and sat with her in a moment of shared sorrow.

But the wall Allison had put up to protect her from ever feeling that vulnerable and hurt again did not immediately come down. “I wish I could just take the wall down and move on,” she told him sadly, “but I can’t yet. I don’t know why.”

And then he panicked. What if Allison never recovered from this injury? What if there was no way to undo or repair the damage? What if she decided he couldn’t be the man she needs?

In his panic, Mark tried to convince her they couldn’t change the past and she needed to begin trusting him again. He understood what he did wrong, and he would try to be a better partner. But instead of feeling reassured, Allison felt he was telling her, “You shouldn’t be feeling hurt and alone anymore. You should be able to move on.”

If the conversation stopped here, as it often did at home, Allison would have felt Mark was once again dismissing her feelings, leaving her to struggle alone. She would have felt less trust in him than before the apology and added a few more bricks to her self-protective wall.

But this time, I was able to explain that Allison needed a different kind of reassurance. Mark then turned to her and said, “I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I don’t care how long it takes for you to take the wall down. I’m here and I love you.”

And with that, their relationship took a small but important step forward.

Marriages are often perceived by those who aren’t in them or by those who have suffered in them to be a place of restriction, resentment, and lack of understanding. Many other people, meanwhile, consider marriage to be the holy grail, the fountain of youth, and the best thing since sliced bread.

So why are so many bad marriages bad? What do so many of them have in common?

Although it may be a gross overgeneralization, trauma is often a major culprit. It’s sneaky, hides in the darkest and deepest places within a person, and boy, is it persistent!

If you’re married, I want you to reflect on your life and your marriage. What experiences have you had that could be affecting your marriage today? If you are having trouble coming up with answers, let me cite a handful I have seen come into play: growing up in a single-parent home, economic struggles, parental infidelity or divorce/separation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, lack of affection, trust breaches, deployment, illness, death of a loved one, miscarriage, even the birth of a child (yes, that can be traumatic, too!). I can list pages of experiences that might be considered traumautic.

For the purposes of explaining how trauma can undermine a marriage, I am going to use the example of childhood sexual abuse experienced by a female.

[fat_widget_right]

When Childhood Traumas Haunt Adult Relationships

Elliott and Briere (1992) confirmed their long-held belief that women who experience childhood sexual abuse were not only more likely to have symptoms of posttraumatic stress, but also to have increased negative outcomes across several areas, including their marriages. For example, women participating in the study who had been sexually abused were more likely to have reported divorces than their non-sexually abused counterparts.

The fact the extent of the abuse (whether it was an inappropriate lap-sit or a long-term incestuous relationship) did not correlate to better or worse outcomes is important to consider in the context of relationship issues. The presence of ANY sexual abuse, no matter its form or extent, may be detrimental to a person’s relationships in the long run.

So if someone wants to prevent sexual trauma from affecting their marriage, what should they do? Where should they go?

The Role of Therapy

Time and time again, couples counseling has paid off for people who worked through such trauma together. In a research study by Macintosh and Johnson (2008), dealing with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse helped more than half of participating couples achieve improved relationships.

My suggestion, however, is for couples in situations like this to go beyond couples counseling and for each partner to also pursue individual therapy. Many therapists will see both partners individually as well as together. If you choose this route, it is important to do your research on prospective therapists. Generally speaking, you want someone who specializes in or is highly experienced with trauma.

What to Expect During a Consultation

In my own practice, my routine is to meet with couples prior to beginning treatment for a consultation where I listen to general issues and history (I always assess for trauma), formulate a treatment plan, and give an estimation of therapy length. I talk about the risks, some of the difficulties, and the importance of the couple’s engagement and commitment to doing the needed work. Then I let the couple decide if they want to schedule a session.

No one gets the same treatment plan or approach. Some couples see me individually as well as in couples counseling, while in other cases I see the couple together only. For some, I may even suggest a different therapist to provide the individual or couples therapy.

Whatever you pursue and whoever you choose to pursue it with, please make sure it is a good fit.

References:

1. Elliott, D. M., & Briere, J. (1992). Sexual abuse trauma among professional women: Validating the Trauma Symptom Checklist-40 (TSC-40). Child Abuse & Neglect, 16(3), 391-398. doi:10.1016/0145-2134(92)90048-v
2. Macintosh, H. B., & Johnson, S. (2008). Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(3), 298-315. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00074.x

How can being in therapy improve your self-esteem? Once we understand both the roots of self-esteem and the essence of therapy, the answer becomes clear.

Self-esteem has been described in many ways, but it can be thought of—and experienced—most simply as the absence of needless shame. In a sense, high self-esteem is the opposite of chronic shame.

This has nothing to do with thinking everything you do is great or even okay; it’s not an evaluation of your behavior or how “great” you are. People with high self-esteem may criticize their own behavior at times. They can afford to be realistic about how they’re doing because their basic worth as human beings isn’t in question. People with low self-esteem (i.e., those who experience chronic, needless shame), on the other hand, may display a need to be right all the time, or may tend to see themselves as “better” than others. Such tendencies may help compensate for a fragile sense of worth.

[fat_widget_right]

How Low Self-Esteem Typically Develops

Most of us learn in childhood we’re far from perfect, and that our words and actions sometimes make other people unhappy. Since kids typically have a hard time mentally separating themselves from their behavior, hundreds of behavior corrections over the course of childhood can lead to shame about the self: If Johnny does something wrong, Johnny feels he IS wrong—as a person.

One of the psychological products of childhood, then, is some level of subconscious shame. Many adults still tell themselves silently all the time, “There’s something wrong with me.” This is low self-esteem.

How Therapy Improves Self-Esteem

Once in therapy, people begin (usually cautiously) to share their inner thoughts and feelings with the therapist. If the therapist responds with acceptance and compassion rather than judgment or correction, the person in therapy generally relaxes into what can be an extremely productive therapeutic relationship.

With consistent acceptance, compassion, and understanding from the therapist, the person in therapy risks sharing even more “shameful” parts of themselves during sessions. When the therapist continues to respond with acceptance, a brand-new idea is born inside the person: “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me after all.” This is how low self-esteem is often healed.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself.

Just as needless shame is the product of a lack of acceptance through necessary social corrections (“Don’t pick your nose in public,” for example), its opposite, high self-esteem, blooms in an atmosphere of acceptance.

Your attitude toward yourself (“I’m okay” as opposed to “I’m not okay”) is not a fact, but a belief. Whatever you believe about yourself is based on experience. For example, if you received a lot of corrections in childhood, as most of us did, you may believe you’re essentially bad and need to be corrected.

To change unwanted beliefs about yourself, you need a different experience on which to base a new belief. This is what psychotherapy offers.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself. Using that model, you can continue to improve your self-esteem between therapy sessions and long after therapy has ended.

It doesn’t matter what type or school of therapy you do—as long as you experience your therapist as accepting and affirming rather than judgmental or critical. If you feel as though you’re being judged or criticized, the first thing to do is talk with your therapist about it. If your therapist responds in any way other than with kindness, openness, and humility, it’s time to seek a different therapist. Your self-esteem is too important to place in the wrong hands.

Definitions convey meaning, but in the mental health field they have also historically wrought serious consequences, often while reflecting progress, procrastination, and prejudice.

As words, concepts, and public perceptions evolve along with modern psychology, clarifying certain words can help reduce suffering, encourage treatment, and eliminate the stigma often associated with mental health conditions. However, terms that are outdated, inaccurate, or just ill-conceived can be spread by institutions, media, and fear while halting needed progress.

In recent decades, greater attention has been paid to accurately shaping definitions of conditions, symptoms, and diagnoses. The afflicted—as they were once widely called and viewed—are now more appropriately seen as individuals exhibiting symptoms of a condition.

Words such as “affliction” and “sufferers” can each connote a literal meaning that projects negativity or suggests a threat. Such unsound terms have, in part, been responsible for much of the stigma that still affects the conversation surrounding mental health.

Language, when used by health care professionals, can carry even more weight in shaping public perception and policy. When outdated terminology is implemented professionally or at the public policy level, false meanings may become institutionalized, potentially extending their lifespan by decades.

What’s in a Word?

A 2010 study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) examined the historical use of the term “wellness” over “illness” in the mental health field, noting each carries a clear but opposing distinction—even when used interchangeably.

One suggests positive energy, enthusiasm, and life itself, while the other reflects the presence of a disease. The CDC report posits, “the major focus of (mental) health reform should be to promote wellness and well-being.”

While more general words like “wellness” are broad and used with considerable flexibility, the greater issue definition-wise is with more specific terms that directly depict false or misleading information. Through ambiguity and assumptions, a thick glossary of malleable terms persists.

[fat_widget_right]A study last year in the journal Frontiers in Psychology examined the issue and aimed to “promote clear thinking and clear writing among students and teachers of psychological science by curbing terminological misinformation and confusion.” The study’s authors offered a provisional list of 50 commonly used terms that they recommended should only be used sparingly or completely avoided.

The spotlighted terms were a mixture of inaccurate, misleading, and often misused definitions. These included:

Closure

Described by the authors as “hopelessly vague,” closure is challenged in its popular meaning as a “purported experience of emotional resolution” following a trauma. The authors point to a lack of specificity and research to support the idea that it will be clear when trauma victims reach a desired end to their emotional state.

Personality Type

Categorizing personalities into neat little boxes—such as introvert or extrovert—is still common, even among many medical professionals. This continues despite little significant evidence for the accuracy or completeness of such labels, which often overlook the nuanced degree of various personality traits.

Scientific Proof

It is often premature to suggest certainty while forgetting that science is provisional and always evolving. The concept of scientific confirmation can convey a clarity that clashes with the self-correcting nature of the field. As the authors suggest, no theory should be viewed as strictly proven, as all theories may end up being overturned by additional evidence.

Chemical Imbalance

Despite slim scientific credentials, the notion that mental health conditions such as depression are sparked by a chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain has become an assumed truth. This is largely unsupported, and some treatment methods contradict any available evidence suggesting there even is an optimal level of neurotransmitters in the brain.

Brainwashing

The idea that long-term perceptions and behavior can be altered through conditioning is not science fiction. Real and positive benefits from changing perceptions and attitudes are possible, but the idea of scrubbing the mind—either voluntarily or involuntarily—suggests erasing emotion rather than treating symptoms. According to the report, the techniques generally used in “brainwashing” are similar to those used in typical persuasion.

Autism Epidemic

The media likely bears much responsibility for the idea that a sudden rash of autism has been seen in recent years despite little corroborating evidence. What did increase were the actual diagnoses as both parents and professionals became more aware and informed about the condition. The most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) also lowered the diagnostic threshold for the condition, which likely resulted in increased diagnoses.

When outdated terminology is implemented professionally or at the public policy level, false meanings may become institutionalized, potentially extending their lifespan by decades.Genetically Determined

While genes can certainly influence psychology, the idea that they flatly determine psychological capacities is inaccurate. The concept may even deter treatment in individuals who might see a condition as irreversible. Believing something is genetically determined usually does not leave enough room for undetermined environmental influences.

Hard-wired

Similar to “genetically determined,” the idea that an individual might be innately predisposed to a given psychological framework (based on gender, for instance) is challenged by research. Studies have shown growth in data on neural plasticity, meaning only few things are completely inflexible in behavior expression. Most capacities, such as language and emotions, can be modified by the environment.

Underlying Biological Dysfunction

Another innate concept is the suggestion that certain psychological conditions or variables are biologically prepackaged. This approach often ignores other factors or even additional conditions at play beyond simple biology.

Multiple Personality Disorder

Though it was relabeled as dissociative identity disorder (DID) in the DSM in 1994, the perception that multiple personalities develop within a single individual is still widely held in many academic sources. Continued use of the misnomer perpetuates a view that falsely depicts people experiencing DID, while promoting stigma associated with DID and other mental health conditions as well.

The Evolution of the DSM

The industry’s touchstone for many years has been the DSM, from the American Psychiatric Association. The fifth edition was released in 2013, and like previous updates, it caused controversy and confusion upon its arrival. Dropped from the manual that year was the classification of dyslexia as a learning disorder, while Asperger’s syndrome was folded into the autism spectrum diagnosis.

The beauty of psychology as a science is its ability to change to more accurately define itself. The challenge is conveying such concepts in an open and honest exchange—ever aware of the consequential power mere words can wield.

References:

1. Lilienfeld, S. (2015, August 3). Fifty psychological and psychiatric terms to avoid. Retrieved from http://journal.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01100/full
2. Manderscheid, R. W. (2010, January 9). Evolving definitions of mental illness and wellness. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2010/jan/09_0124.htm
3. (2012, January 20). Word of drastic changes to DSM-V autism definitions reaching the mainstream press. Retrieved from http://www.pediastaff.com/blog/word-of-drastic-changes-to-dsm-v-autism-definitions-reaching-the-mainstream-press-6671

At an age when human development can be awkward and challenging, a large number of children are additionally burdened with their parents’ divorce and resulting implications. Parental strife, parent-child conflict, familial and residential changes, financial problems—these factors and more can create the perfect storm of adolescent angst. As divorce affects every person differently, it also affects developmental age ranges differently. Even as they transition toward independence, adolescents continue to be caught in the upheaval and end of their families as they knew them.

Although the groundbreaking 25-year study by Wallerstein and Lewis (2004) is now 12 years old, its findings are still relevant today. Divorced children of all ages eventually reach a conclusion that terrifies them: personal relationships are unreliable, and even the closest family relationships cannot be expected to hold firm. This realization creates a shaky foundation that adolescents then use as a touchstone and reference when making their way in the world.

As further noted by Wallerstein and Lewis, two-thirds of the children they studied experienced multiple marriages and divorces, plus the unrecorded broken love affairs and temporary cohabitations of one or both parents. Fewer than 10% of the children had parents who established stable, lasting second marriages in which the children felt fully welcome and included. The frequent discrepancy in the post-divorce adjustment of their parents was also a source of deep distress to the children well into adulthood.

[fat_widget_right]

It makes sense, then, that the turbulence and resultant pain associated with divorce creates a barrier for adolescent children of divorce to feel stable and hopeful. When adolescents see their parents divorce, there may be either a sense of “it won’t happen to me (when I’m an adult)” or “all relationships end up broken, so I won’t even try.” Which is why, as noted in the study, divorce is not an acute stress from which the child recovers, but a “life-transforming experience” (Wallerstein and Lewis, 2004).

Often, a dramatic change in family structure accompanies divorce. Logistically, one parent must leave the family home. This parental absence creates an absence in the child’s life that is irreversible. Although adolescents are moving toward independence, the parental role is far from minimized at this age. Adolescents accustomed to two parents typically come to rely on them as moral guides, support systems, and physical presences in their lives. As written by Marquardt (2005), almost two-thirds of divorced children felt they lived in two families and inherited two worlds in which to grow up. This sense of division can be challenging if there are two sets of rules and standards to balance. It is almost as if children become travelers into the newly adopted lives of their parents, but without a road map to navigate the pathways.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Divorce also may bring about an enormous reallocation of money. Some researchers have suggested that the economic hardship custodial parents face following divorce is the critical factor in predicting children’s post-divorce adjustment. Dramatic losses in income may contribute to additional life stresses such as moving to a smaller residence in neighborhoods with increased crime, lower quality schools, and loss of familiar and developed community supports. Lower income also forces many custodial parents to work additional hours to cover basic necessities and bills. Financial strain, by the way, is one of the strongest predictors of depression in single parents.

Another significant aspect of divorce includes child support. Even though parents have been supporting their children financially since birth, the divorce and resultant child support payments create the illusion children are now a mandated financial obligation, like a loan or a bill, which may become a contentious battle if payments are withheld or missed.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Overall, according to Wallerstein (2004), adolescents from divorced homes acted out more than adolescents from intact homes. Twenty percent of girls in the Wallerstein study had their first sexual experience before age 14, and over half were sexually active with multiple partners during high school. As noted, it isn’t the sex itself that was relevant; it was the attention received. Divorce creates a void, and adolescents test themselves and their parents with their choices to fill it.

While divorce is often inevitable, its implications are far-reaching to all involved. Adolescents are particularly affected given they simultaneously want independence while needing nurturing and guidance. If parents are divided and conflicted, adolescent angst may be intensified, potentially causing lifelong issues.

References:

1. Marquartdt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
2. Wallerstein, J., & Lewis, J. (2004). The unexpected legacy of divorce: Report of a 25-year study. Psychoanalytic Psychology, Vol. 21 (3).

Many young adults have chosen, especially in recent years, to embark on what is known as a gap year. It has become more common for students to take a year off between high school and college. Malia Obama, for example, drew attention when she chose to defer her enrollment to Harvard. This decision helped publicize the mental health benefits that can result from taking a gap year.

College can be a risky environment for the development of mental health conditions. Many students in a post-secondary environment may experience symptoms of a mental health condition, and the American Psychological Association (APA) refers to the situation as a “growing crisis.”

In 2010, more than 45% of students involved in an American College Health Association survey reported feelings of hopelessness. The same year, a poll of college counselors found they considered about 44% of students to have severe psychological issues (up from just 16% in 2000).

[fat_widget_right]The gap year has been shown to reduce the likelihood of developing many of the symptoms that are most prevalent among college students, such as depression, alcohol abuse, disordered eating, and anxiety. These are not new findings. In fact, Harvard instituted a policy more than 15 years ago recommending that incoming undergraduates take a year off after high school, specifically to prevent psychological burnout. Since then, compelling evidence for the benefits of a gap year has only grown.

Coping with Transition After High School

Students in grade school often face academic pressures. Grades, careers, social lives, relationships, and other matters can contribute to the already significant stress of growing up. As a result, students may be especially susceptible to mental health issues with the added stress and pressure of college. Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.

According to the American Gap Association (AGA), 92% of students who choose to take a gap year say their intentions are to add life skills and experience personal growth. Studies of returning gap year students have found they demonstrate significantly higher gains in these areas, when compared to those who did not take the break. Participants specifically identified being in a new, non-academic environment as the most meaningful part of the experience.

[amazon_affiliate]As discussed in There Is Life After College by University of Arizona professor Jeffrey Selingo, a new, “real world” setting brings with it new challenges, often forcing people to find new ways to deal with situations they would not typically be exposed to as students. Selingo helps parents, higher-education leaders, and young adults understand how to succeed in school to better navigate the current job market.

In the not-too-distant past, a college education would have almost guaranteed a lifetime of employment. Students today face a different reality; even graduate degrees may not include the promise of economic success, and job stability is becoming more uncommon. Selingo suggests there is abundant potential for making personal developments through the transitional experiences associated with taking a gap year, and these gains may be responsible for inspiring better adaptive behaviors in the future.

A Gap Year’s Impact on Motivation

Many parents and teachers worry that time away from a structured educational environment might leave students with less motivation to continue their academic careers. Research shows gap years do have a connection to decreased motivation, but the results of this lowered motivation may be positive. Motivation is directly connected to psychological well-being through the neurotransmitter dopamine (among other things), so this fundamental change may be one of the mechanisms through which the gap year helps to safeguard mental health.

Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.A study by University of Sydney professor Andrew Martin measured academic motivations in Australian students before and after taking a gap year. Low academic performance and motivation in high school were both found to be associated with a higher likelihood of taking a gap year, but high motivation and the development of adaptive behaviors in college were correlated with gap year participation.

These results may suggest time away from school provides an opportunity for students to mature in a variety of productive ways. This coincides with previous research that identifies the time spent during a gap year as a facilitator of cross-cultural learning and evaluations of personal values.

Gap years have consistently been found to be associated with mental health benefits for more than 15 years. They may facilitate positive effects, such as aiding in stress reduction, enabling motivational changes, and accelerating the adoption of adaptive behaviors. Many gap year students exhibit gains in confidence, sense of identity, and self-esteem that can last well after the conclusion of their academic careers. The practice is likely to become even more popular as such findings become more well known, and as educational institutions continue to promote its usefulness for students transitioning into college.

References:

1. American Gap Association (2015). Gap year data and benefits. Retrieved from http://www.americangap.org/data-benefits.php
2. American Psychological Association (n. d.) The state of mental health on college campuses: A growing crisis. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/about/gr/education/news/2011/college-campuses.aspx
3. Crawford, C., & Cribb, J. (2012). Gap year takers: uptake, trends and long term outcomes. Institute for Fiscal Studies through the Centre for Analysis of Youth Transitions (CAYT). London, UK: Department for Education. Retrieved from https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/219637/DFE-RR252.pdf
4. Dell’Antonia, K. J. (2016, April 19). Gap year may have benefits long after college. Retrieved from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/04/19/gap-year-may-have-benefits-long-after-college/?ref=health&_r=1
5. Harvard College (2011). Should I take time off? Retrieved from https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/preparing-college/should-i-take-time
6. Martin, A. J. (2010). Should students have a gap year? Motivation and performance factors relevant to time out after completing school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 102(3), 561. Retrieved from http://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ892653
7. McPhate, M. (2016, May 2). Malia Obama’s ‘gap year’ is part of a growing (and expensive) trend. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/03/us/malia-obamas-gap-year-is-part-of-a-growing-and-expensive-trend.html?_r=0
8. Selingo, J. (2016). There Is Life After College. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
9. Sparks, S. D. (2010, September 15). Research suggests a ‘gap year’ motivates students. Retrieved from http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2010/09/15/04gap.h30.html

Recently, I’ve found myself somewhat annoyed at the Pinterest mental health community. I know some may consider it taboo to disagree with other mental health professionals or, worse, to challenge the beliefs of people who live with mental health conditions, but I feel strongly that many in my profession do a great disservice to the people we serve and our culture by perpetuating the belief mental health issues are mostly biological and always require treatment. What irks me even more is that in a well-intentioned effort to reduce stigma, we may suggest there is relatively little individual choice or personal power in creating an emotionally healthful life for oneself.

I saw a pin on Pinterest recently that read, “Depression is an Illness, not a Choice,” and it made me angry. While a temporary state of depression can sometimes be caused by biological or hormonal factors, such as in the case of premenstrual dysphoria, most forms of depression are not caused by biological factors but rather by social factors, learned thinking styles, and ineffective behavioral choices. The desire to reduce mental health stigma is well-intentioned, but our efforts can be misguided at times, and we have gone overboard.

Here’s why.

[fat_widget_depression_right]

First, feelings of depression and anxiety, among other unpleasant experiences, are a normal part of the human condition. Most of us, at one time or another, have avoided doing something because it made us nervous. Are we all disordered? Do we all need medication? By discounting the fact ups, downs, and difficult emotions can be part of normal human growth and development experiences, we fail to give people the knowledge, support, and tools they need to move past those difficult periods. We label these feelings “disorders,” which can affect how people view themselves and can become a permanent part of their identity and self-concept.

Second, the medical model of labeling feelings as “illnesses” limits recovery options. In American culture, we have been conditioned to believe illnesses require medication. So that’s how we treat them. In other cultures, even some medical illnesses do not necessarily dictate the use of medication. There is an Ayurvedic saying about illness: “When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is right, medicine is of no need.” Although diet isn’t the only factor at play, this ancient wisdom underscores the importance of a healthy lifestyle in avoiding illness.

I believe this notion extends to mental health as well. A healthy emotional lifestyle includes learning how to communicate in relationships to increase closeness and social support; it means learning how to believe in your abilities, conquer your fears, and try new things; and it means practicing mind-calming techniques, such as meditation and yoga, and having the courage to heal old wounds while learning how to create your own happiness.

[amazon_affiliate]

I recently interviewed Dr. Barry Duncan, author of What’s Right With You: Debunking Dysfunction and Changing Your Life. He struck a chord with me when he said, “As crazy as it sounds, problems, like depression, also provide possibilities for living our lives differently, for reaching new conclusions. Depression is obviously painful, and it brings attention to the fact we are not happy with some aspect of our lives. The depression, therefore, can be a life-transformation vehicle.”

I agree wholeheartedly. I have experienced severe depression myself—several episodes, in fact. I have felt suicidal on occasion. Yet, those difficult times helped me. They helped me learn about myself, to seek out support and build relationships, and to have more empathy for others who go through similar challenges. Suffering can be a tool for growth, and personal growth, in turn, can lead to more happiness and inner peace.

As Dr. Duncan puts it, “Depression represents a profound crisis—it calls into question our very identity and how we are conducting our lives. It is at once a crisis point, a real danger and an opportunity for incredible change.”

By perpetuating the belief depression is an illness, we encourage people to take medication—that in many cases may not help them and can, in some cases, make them worse—without looking at the entire picture of why an individual is depressed and what is truly the best form of help for that person’s unique set of circumstances.

Third, by perpetuating the belief depression is an illness, we encourage people to take medication—that in many cases may not help them and can, in some cases, make them worse (Sparks, J., Duncan, B., Cohen, D., & Antonuccio, D., 2010; Valentstein, E., 1998)—without looking at the entire picture of why an individual is depressed and what is truly the best form of help for that person’s unique set of circumstances. My view is that in a limited number of cases, medication can be beneficial in the short term but only in combination with psychotherapy. Without therapy, the underlying cause of the depression goes unresolved and the person does not acquire the tools to prevent further episodes.

Dr. Duncan makes an excellent point when he talks about how we, in mental health professions, have contributed to perpetuating myths about a biological basis for depression and, in the process, helped pharmaceutical companies create learned helplessness in people. Many people have bought into the notions life should not include struggle and most individuals do not have the strength or creativity to navigate their challenges. We are empathic and do not enjoy seeing the people we serve suffer, so we often suggest medication. The use of antidepressants has consequently skyrocketed over the past two decades, yet two-thirds of Americans still report not being “very happy.” Something isn’t working.

Dr. Duncan surprised me with his next comment, and it gave me pause. He suggested that, perhaps unwittingly, mental health practitioners have bought into the illness model of mental health in part because it sustains our work and income. I had never thought of this before, but it’s a perspective worth examining. I don’t remember ever saying to a person after an intake session: “I think what you are going through is normal. You don’t really need therapy for this.” Hmm …

The Science of Depression

There are many theories about a possible neurological cause of depression, but very little evidence. In spite of advances in research technologies and neuroimaging studies, a biological cause or marker for depression has yet to be found (Duncan, B., 2005).

Further, meta-analytic reviews of medication treatment for depression found the difference between taking medication and a placebo was less than two points on a popular depression scale (Kirsh, I., 2014). One study found that a psychiatrist with a positive therapeutic alliance with his patients was more effective in improving depression symptoms with a placebo than was a psychiatrist with a poor therapeutic alliance administering a real antidepressant drug (Krupnick, J., Sotsky, S. M., Simmens, S., Moyer, J., Elkin, I., Watkins, J., & Pilkonis, P.A., 1996). In other words, relationships may heal more effectively than medication. In its totality, the research shows that except for a small percentage of people with severe depression, medication does not work well to remit most depressions and, in many cases, has adverse effects.

How to Heal Depression

There are many options to consider in treating your depression. Here are a few:

1. Make life changes. Sometimes medication allows you to tolerate an intolerable situation. For example, if you have to take medication to cope with your stressful life, it may be time to reevaluate how you live life and perhaps make major changes. One person I work with in therapy decided she would stop being angry and verbally abusive, would learn to have healthy boundaries and say no when appropriate, and discontinue living with a husband who is addicted to alcohol and has a girlfriend on the side. Although this was a difficult time for her, she is much happier now and no longer reports depression symptoms.
2. Give it some time. Some episodes of depression spontaneously remit with time. Improvement without treatment ranges from 20% to 60% for a given episode of depression (Duncan, B. 2005).
3. Seek psychotherapy. Studies show psychotherapy is more beneficial than medication in the long run. Therapy maintains a positive effect over time, while medication does not. Psychotherapy can help you identify the causes of your depression and develop a more personalized plan for how you can get better. Therapy teaches the skills you need to manage your mood and difficult emotions. Most people report a lasting benefit when they participate in therapy for at least three to six months.

While medication may be the best option in some cases, research tells us psychotherapy is generally a more effective treatment for depression. The effects can last beyond the treatment, and there are few, if any, unwanted side effects. Therefore, in my view, it should be our first line of defense.

References:

1. Duncan, B. (2005). What’s Right With You: Debunking Dysfunction and Changing Your Life. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
2. Kirsch, I. (2014). Antidepressants and the Placebo Effect. Zeitschrift Fur Psychologie, 222(3), 128–134. http://doi.org/10.1027/2151-2604/a000176
3. Krupnick, J. L., Sotsky, S. M., Simmens, S., Moyer, J., Elkin, I., Watkins, J., & Pilkonis, P. A. (1996). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy outcome: Findings in the National Institute of Mental Health Treatment of Depression Collaborative Research Program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(3), 532-539. doi:10.1037/0022-006x.64.3.532
4. Sparks, J., Duncan, B., Cohen, D., & Antonuccio, D. (2010). Psychiatric drugs and common factors: An evaluation of risks and benefits for clinical practice. In B. Duncan, S. Miller, B. Wampold, & M. Hubble (Eds.), The heart and soul of change: Delivering what works in therapy (199-236). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
5. Valenstein, E. S. Blaming the Brain: The Truth About Drugs and Mental Health. Free Press, 1998.

In today’s busy society, where everyone is scrambling to find time for (fill-in-the-blank activity/ person), it can be challenging to carve out time that’s entirely for you. However, the value of having time for yourself cannot be measured. Within a romantic relationship, ensuring each person still has a sense of “me” can lead to stronger and more fulfilling experiences of “we.”

Why ‘Me’ Time Is Important

Think back to when you entered your relationship. Remember that you? Chances are the friends you had and the experiences you engaged in were among the factors that drew your partner in, at least a little.

Having individual experiences can be as valuable to the relationship as shared experiences. Leaving room to allow yourself to go out and experience life without always having your partner at your side leaves you with an opportunity to share your new experiences, ideas, and thoughts when you and your partner reengage.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Challenges to ‘Me’ Time

Holding on to and expressing your individuality can be particularly challenging in codependent relationships where one partner feels like they have limited autonomy and control or that they have a controlling/demanding partner. If you find you encounter guilty feelings/thoughts or your partner becomes angry or resentful when you shift into “me” time, it might be wise to examine your relationship more closely. Maintaining a sense of self and engaging in activities independent of the partnership can be difficult even in healthy relationships, but having intense negative reactions to exploring activities outside of the relationship may be a sign it is moving into an unhealthy space.

‘Me’ Still Respects the ‘We’

Making space for your individuality within your relationship does not mean you are exiting or avoiding the relationship. “Me” time should not be used as a method to escape difficult conversations or issues coming up in the relationship. If you find you are using alone time to escape, you might try reflecting on how your habits may be markers of unresolved issues and how you might become more present to tackle difficult moments.

Good “me” time respects the partnership and your partner by avoiding engagement in activities that may harm or disrupt the relationship or foster distrust. “Me” time can allow you to reconnect with what’s important to you and can be used to enhance the connection you have with your partner.

How to Make ‘Me’ Time

Schedule it! Your own time needs to be as important to you as your best friend’s birthday party or your partner’s promotion celebration. Let it live in your calendar and carry the same weight as other important plans.

When you live with your partner, finding time to be alone can become even more challenging. Speak with your partner and find ways to carve out physical and mental space for yourself to do things you enjoy doing—say, reading or working on puzzles.

Below are 20 ways to carve out time for yourself. See how many more you can come up with, then go about picking dates on the calendar to put them into place.

1. Set aside 30 to 45 minutes after work to do something YOU want to do.
2. Take a walk or a run by yourself.
3. Plan a date with your friends.
4. Plan a date night for yourself.
5. Tackle a hobby off your hobby list.
6. Spend time journaling without interruption.
7. Take a solo vacation.
8. Treat yourself to a spa day.
9. Exercise on your own.
10. Call a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with.
11. Go hear live music.
12. Go on a hike.
13. Take a long drive.
14. Go to a movie or museum.
15. Go to a cultural event.
16. Go shopping.
17. Engage in an academic pursuit.
18. Set up an individual counseling appointment to learn more about yourself.
19. Find a TV series to watch.
20. Explore an online meet-up group that matches your interests.

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

[fat_widget_right]

2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.” —Francis Bacon, English philosopher

A large portion of the U.S. economy would grind to a halt if people made peace with their bodies. Billions of dollars are spent each year on plastic surgery, botox, lasers, corsets, diets, and psychotropics to deal with body-related depression and anxiety—all of it fueled by the advertisers’ goal: making people feel unattractive and inadequate. Photoshop and other image-manipulation tools, with their ability to refine and enhance the already polished, have only added to the impossibly perfectionistic landscape.

If you want to get off and stay off the train of self-loathing and body hatred, stop watching or listening to any programming that features ads. Ditto for many magazines. Embrace the way you were made.

If you have curly hair, learn to love it. If it’s thin and wispy, love that, too.

Curvy? Fabulous! No waist? Just great! Tall? Beautiful! Short? Lovely!

Celebrate your unique beauty.

[fat_widget_right]

There will always be someone who finds you appealing. If you spend your life in a state of self-hatred, how can you expect to attract anyone you might want?

Try this approach instead.

Hate your thighs? Imagine having no legs. Hate your arms? Imagine them gone. Start being appreciative of what your body is and what it can do. Can you see? Hear? Move? If yes, lucky you. Lamenting what you don’t have and buying into unattainable ideals of beauty (always youthful, of course) is a clear path to misery.

Be strong. Swim against the tide of peer pressure and groupthink. Use your own brain. Decide for yourself what is important. If it’s looks and physical prowess, I can assure you they will fade. Then what?

When you don’t think you look your best, make a point of emphasizing your best qualities. Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps you are very kind. Let these qualities shine. Mother Teresa wasn’t a fashion icon, yet was beloved by more people than we can count. No one remembers Marie Curie for her looks, either.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

What do you bring to the table? Bring it! Even when you think you might look ravishing, your attention to externals may come with less focus on internals. How will that help develop you as a person? Bring your truest self to every situation; perhaps you won’t be universally liked, but whoever likes you will like the real you.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

Want a great relationship? Don’t base it on appearances. Anyone attracted primarily to your looks may want to trade you in for a newer model when you are no longer so fetching.

Want to feel better? Give yoga a try. Any yoga, unless it’s grueling and torturous, will help you make peace with your body. How does it do that? It combines mindfulness with deep breathing to promote calm. A relaxed body is usually happier than a stressed one. All those yummy chemicals yoga catalyzes may help you feel good about yourself.

Move your body, sleep at least seven hours a night, and eat a vegetable-heavy diet. If you do these things more days than not, a compelling case can be made that whatever weight you are is your natural, healthy weight.

Celebrate your unique beauty every day. Look in the mirror and do as motivational author Louise Hay does: say, “I love you, (your name), I really, really love you.” After thousands of repetitions, you just may start believing it too.

How much of your precious time do you want to spend having an adversarial relationship with your body? How do you want to feel about it? Do you want to appreciate all its miracles? Do you want to focus on everything that works well? When you hear yourself thinking a negative body thought, ask yourself, “Is that what I really want to tell myself? What would I rather think?” Practice this and see what effect it has.

Your body, right now, in its current form, is a temple. Treat it that way and watch what happens.

Reference:

Dent, M. (2016, March 9). Plastic Surgery Reaches a New Record: The Top 5 Nip-and-Tucks in 2015. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/09/plastic-surgery-reaches-a-new-record-the-top-5-nip-and-tucks-in-2015.html