The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

By Bren M. Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

“Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart.” — Heather Hetchler

In a day and age where long-term marriages are the exception and not the rule, the issue of co-parenting is one I see every day. In fact, my practice is overflowing with families trying to navigate the challenges of effective co-parenting. Even the most amicable divorce can trigger feelings of abandonment, anger, betrayal, grief, and loss—all difficult emotions to navigate. Supporting your children through these difficult emotions while simultaneously experiencing them can feel almost impossible at times.

Co-Parenting Is Hard

Let me begin by saying the art of effective co-parenting is not an easy topic, nor is it by any means an easy task! The feelings following separation or divorce are often still very raw—and may be exacerbated if the end of the relationship was characterized by a high level of conflict. Working cooperatively with someone you no longer hold in the highest regard can be very difficult—but your children are counting on you to put your own feelings aside to attend to their needs. 

Co-Parenting Is Worth It

Effective co-parenting mandates a level of maturity and strength that requires each partner to put their egos aside and come together to present a united front to the children. Your little humans are looking to you both to assure them that, regardless of changes in the family structure or dynamics in your relationship with each other, they can count on you to provide structure, consistency, safety, protection from conflict and other adult matters, and a sense of grounded stability. They are counting on you to work as a cohesive team. I’m not suggesting that you and your co-parent have to remain best friends. What I am recommending is that you find a way to unify and come together around your children to ensure both of you consistently meet their needs—and sometimes this means stepping up your game and redefining your definition of teamwork with your co-parent so that your ability to meet your children’s needs together exceeds your ability to do so when you shared an intimate relationship. 

Five Tips for Effective Co-Parenting

#1: Never let your children hear you speak negatively about your co-parent. 

This is one of the most common and most damaging things I see occur in dysfunctional co-parenting relationships. Under most circumstances, children experience love and a deep, primal connection to both parents. Even at a young age, they understand that they are a product of you both. Making disparaging comments about your co-parent may cause your child to question your love for them. It also puts your child in a position to feel as though they must defend their other parent. I guarantee they will grow to resent you for this over time. Overtly or covertly expressing your disapproval for your co-parent to your children causes them to feel trapped in the middle of the conflict and responsible for negotiating co-parenting issues, an adult responsibility for which they are ill-equipped. Children should never be tasked with negotiating issues between their parents.  

#2: Enforce the expectation that your children respect you both. 

Building on the first tip, it’s equally important to enforce an expectation that your children respect not only your parental authority but also that of your co-parent. This can be challenging, as you want to allow a space for your children to freely express the big emotions they are experiencing. At the same time, teaching your children how to express these emotions appropriately is an important life skill. Children of divorce will often test the limits of the co-parenting relationship by expressing feelings of hatred toward one parent or another. It’s important to challenge your child to identify that they may be frustrated or hate one parent’s behavior but that it’s not appropriate to make disparaging remarks toward or about their parent. When this occurs, children are often attempting to determine if you remain aligned with your co-parent when it comes to matters concerning them or if there is a crack in the alignment that they may be able to exploit. Children do not engage in this behavior with malicious intent. Instead, they are seeking validation that they remain safe and protected from any challenges between you and your co-parent.

#3: Be consistent in the rules and expectations between homes. 

This requires frequent and effective communication. If your child gets in trouble at one home, the other parent must enforce the consequences when your child returns. For example, if your daughter loses “screen time” for two days for talking disrespectfully to her mom, it’s essential you enforce the punishment if it falls during the time she is in your care. By doing so, you prevent your daughter from splitting your united front and capitalizing on any conflict between you and your co-parent. My Parental Handoff Worksheet may help support effective communication and positive exchanges between homes.

#4: Show up—ALWAYS show up! 

Showing up is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Do not make your child choose which parent will attend major milestones and life events—and don’t trade off. Not only will you miss out on some of your child’s most important moments, but they will as well. Your child doesn’t want to have to sacrifice when it comes to the defining moments in their lives; don’t make them. Even at a young age, your children expect that you can put any anger, ego, or resentment toward your co-parent aside to celebrate them—particularly in the big moments. Your child needs to know that they are so precious to you that you’re willing to put your feelings aside and be a little uncomfortable for an afternoon. They need to know they can trust you will always show up when it really matters. 

#5: Recognize if you and your co-parenting partner need additional support! 

Raising children to thrive in their environment is a challenge under the best circumstances. Reaching out for support, and doing it early, doesn’t suggest a parenting fail—instead, it suggests you understand the stakes are high and you aren’t willing to take any chances with your child’s well-being. There are resources available to support you through a difficult process; make use of them. 

When Your Co-Parent Isn’t Onboard

Of course, what I’ve said up to this point speaks to the ideal situation after divorce or separation. But what happens when one parent is willing to do the work and the other parent is not? The answer is simple but often painfully to execute—you never give up hope. Continue to move forward parenting your child in the best way possible because you and your child deserve and need to heal. At the same time, you leave the door open to the other parent with the hope that they will one day do their own work and be willing to sit at the table with you. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry because it’s really not fair—but at the end of the day, kids don’t care about fair; they need you to be present and always show up for them. When you become a parent, it’s no longer about you—your priority becomes your child’s needs and best interest. You will make mistakes along the way. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to never give up and always love them unconditionally and unapologetically.

Infographic Provided By Goldberg Law Office

References

Hetchler, H. (2014, September 26-28).  Full-time stepmom [Conference session]. The Stepmom Retreat, Asheville, NC, United States.

Changes in your life and relationships, even good ones, can present a real challenge. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Find a therapist in your area today.

 

A girl looking sadly at her breakfast of a bagel and poached eggSome level of picky eating is generally par for the parenting course. Children of any age might show some selectiveness about the food they eat, but parents often have the most struggles with toddlers and preschool-age children.

Most developmental picky eating will resolve itself by the time your child begins school—we have some tips below to help you manage until then.

In some cases, though, picky eating can be a symptom of something beyond an age-appropriate desire for independence. So, if your child won’t eat anything besides Cheerios or white bread and you don’t know what to do, keep reading. We’ll go over what typical picky eating looks like and offer some guidance on getting help for more serious concerns.

In some cases, picky eating can be a symptom of something beyond an age-appropriate desire for independence.

Why Are Some Kids Picky Eaters?

There are numerous reasons for picky eating, according to a large research review published in 2015. Some possible factors include:

It’s also worth noting that many children simply have a limited range of preferred tastes in early life. Developing a taste for new food is often a lengthy process, so your child may need to try a food multiple times, not just once or twice, before they’re willing to eat it on a more regular basis.

Children begin developing preferences for specific foods as they approach the preschool years. Of course, this is also when they begin to find their sense of independence. Preschoolers don’t have many opportunities to demonstrate this newfound independence, so they often choose the table as their stage. This can lead to any number of battles over food—whether the issue actually involves the food or not.

They also often lack the words to express how they really feel about certain foods. They may not want to eat something for a more specific reason than simply not liking it, but they don’t know how to tell you exactly what they think. Maybe the texture feels uncomfortable in their mouth, or they have an aversion to the smell of the food or the spice you used.

Allergies can also lead to picky eating behavior. Children with a mild allergy to a specific food may not have a serious or life-threatening reaction, but they may associate the food with any minor symptoms they experience and avoid it entirely.

Anxiety and other distress can also contribute to pickiness. Think about what you want to eat after a bad day. Everyone has preferred comfort foods: soup, macaroni and cheese, ice cream, popcorn, etc. Children experience stress and unhappiness, too, even if they don’t know how to talk about it. Confronting a new spiky green vegetable may be the last thing they want to do after a long day that left them tired, cranky, or otherwise out of sorts.

Mealtime Tips for Parents

The battle to get your child to eat may frustrate you, but you can avoid distress (for yourself and your child) by not looking at mealtime as something you need to “win.”

Keeping calm helps. If you’re frustrated or irritated with your child for wasting food or being stubborn, they’ll likely pick up on that. Sometimes, this can provide more incentive for them to push to win the argument. In the end, it boils down to control.

You might feel stressed about your child’s health or believe you’ve “failed” as a parent if you can’t get your child to eat nutritious foods. But try not to let that get to you. If they meet developmental milestones, enjoy general good health, and have energy to play, they’re probably just fine. If you do have specific concerns, your pediatrician can offer more guidance.

Try these tips to help make mealtimes easier:

Don’t force or bribe your child to eat.

This generally only creates more problems later. Offer nutritious foods in small amounts and let your child decide how much to eat.

Promising dessert after so many bites of vegetables may seem like a great way to get your child to eat those vegetables. However, this teaches children that dessert is better than everything else, an idea that can potentially contribute unhealthy eating habits later in life.

When you offer dessert, don’t make it conditional on finishing their dinner, either—this may lead children to eat more than they really need.

Don’t serve separate meals.

If your child refuses lunch, don’t offer to make them something you know they like. This just reinforces their behavior. Similarly, eat the foods you want your child to eat—at least in front of them. If you offer them a lunch of broccoli, apple slices, brown rice, and scrambled eggs while you have pizza, you may not be sending the best message.

Involve your child in food preparation.

Let your child choose vegetables and fruits at the store, then get them involved in the cooking process. You might not always succeed with this approach, but children may have more interest in trying new things when they helped create them.

Try not to get frustrated when they don’t want to take a single bite, even after helping you in the kitchen. They may be testing you, but they also might just need time. Keep calm and continue offering the new food.

Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

Children who don’t seem to grow out of picky eating, or who eat fewer foods as they grow older, may actually have an eating disorder: avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, or ARFID.

Experts aren’t fully certain what causes ARFID, but it often appears related to trauma. These children may have choked previously, had trouble eating as a baby, or experienced birth trauma or trauma in utero. They might refuse to eat new foods because they believe the food may lead to choking or other harm.

ARFID can also relate to sensory distress around the textures of specific foods. People with autism (ASD), attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), or any sensory issues may have a higher risk for ARFID.

Most children will eventually eat the food you offer them when they get hungry. But children with ARFID generally won’t eat foods besides their select “safe” food items. Mealtimes generally become very difficult for them, as they tend to experience anxiety and distress as a result of their inability to eat.

It’s generally best to seek a professional opinion if your child:

ARFID can have serious health consequences, since a child with a severely restricted diet likely isn’t getting the correct nutrients.

Treatment for ARFID

There’s help for picky eaters—even severely picky eaters.

A good first step is to talk to a therapist who specializes in working with children. Depending on your location, you may even be able to find a therapist who treats eating disorders in children.

Just be aware that other mental health concerns beyond ARFID, including obsessive-compulsive tendencies and other anxiety issues, can also contribute to picky eating. Your child’s therapist will start by determining what’s actually going on, since the most effective treatment generally depends on what’s causing their picky eating.

Your child’s treatment plan might include:

If something doesn’t seem typical about your child’s refusal to eat, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor. There may be nothing serious going on, but you aren’t overreacting–even if their eating behaviors fall within the range of usual picky eating, it’s generally better to know for sure.

Begin your search for a compassionate, trained counselor at GoodTherapy today.

References:

  1. Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). (n.d.). National Eating Disorders Association. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/arfid
  2. Children’s nutrition: 10 tips for picky eaters. (2017, July 28). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/childrens-health/art-20044948
  3. Ehmke, R. (n.d.). More than picky eating. The Child Mind Institute. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/more-than-picky-eating
  4. Elliot, S. (n.d.). What exactly is ARFID? National Eating Disorders Association. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/what-exactly-arfid
  5. Knopf, A. (n.d.). When picky eating is a sign of psychological distress. Bradley Hospital. Retrieved from https://www.bradleyhospital.org/when-picky-eating-sign-psychological-distress
  6. Taylor, C. M., Wernimont, S. M., Northstone, K., & Emmett, P. M. (2015, December 1). Picky/fussy eating in children: Review of definitions, assessment, prevalence and dietary intakes. Appetite, 95, 349-359. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0195666315003438?via%3Dihub
  7. Tips for picky eaters. (n.d.). United States Department of Agriculture. Retrieved from https://www.choosemyplate.gov/browse-by-audience/view-all-audiences/children/health-and-nutrition-information/preschoolers-picky-eating

Girl playing in superhero costumeIn my practice, I meet with a lot of adolescents and teens. Often, parents bring their kids to meet with me when they discover that their child is stuck in an emotional state such as anxiety, depression, or fear. Many of these parents believe their child’s current state of unhappiness began recently. However, many of the kids I see have been unhappy much longer than their parents realize. They’ve been putting on a facade to hide their realities because they want their parents to believe they are happy.

Emotional issues such as anxiety and depression in U.S. school-aged children are common. In fact, according to a recent study, 1 in 6 children are affected by a mental health issue. Along with childhood trauma, brain chemistry, and inherited traits, kids can begin to feel worthlessness from factors such as bullying, school performance, social status, sexual orientation, or family life. These uninherited factors are often kept from parents as the child puts on a facade to pretend that everything is alright.

Why Facades Can Be Dangerous

A facade is a form of personality change that one acts out to fulfill a particular emotion they wish to portray. There are many reasons a child may put up a facade. If their unhappiness is due to bullying or other school issues, a child may put up a facade at home because they may feel ashamed or embarrassed. It is not uncommon for a child to put up a facade for months or years before their parent recognizes there is an issue.

It is not uncommon for a child to put up a facade for months or years before their parent recognizes there is an issue.

Kids may put up a facade at school because they don’t want their peers to know they’re not okay. Putting up a facade can make others think they’re okay, when in reality, they are not. Facades can prevent friends and others from intervening and providing help because they’re unaware that there is an issue.

In extreme cases, facades can make it easy to miss when a child or teen may be contemplating suicide; thus, help does not get provided.

How Parents Can Recognize Facades

Facades are not often easy to recognize, especially if the child has been putting one up for a long time. Since kids and teens often don’t tell their parents they’re experiencing bullying, parents should be aware of a pattern of signs that may indicate bullying or other issues, including:

Parents can help encourage a child to not put up a facade by having regular check-ins and quality one-on-one time whenever possible. Parents looking to connect with their kids, address bullying, and resolve other issues may also refer to a framework called The Three E’s (Empathy, Empowerment, and Engagement).

What Parents Can Do When They Discover Their Child Is Struggling

One of the best things a parent can do when a child is struggling is to listen and let your child know you’re listening. After giving your child time to speak their thoughts, you can make sure you understood correctly by summarizing back what you heard.

Sometimes, a mental health professional may be needed if nothing seems to help your child overcome constant feelings of despair or anxiety. It’s also important to seek immediate professional help if your child talks about hurting themselves or someone else. Therapy can help kids and teens cope and learn new skills to address painful feelings like sadness, anger, stress, worry, and low self-esteem. Find a therapist today.

Child hugging parent as they pack suitcases into car for a tripSeparation anxiety is one of the most common challenges parents face. It can make leaving a child with a caregiver or at daycare difficult and can undermine quality of life for both the parent and child. Separation anxiety is also completely normal, especially in very young children.

Children naturally long to be close to their caregivers, and separations compromise that closeness. Managing separation anxiety requires parents to balance the child’s need to be close to them with the expectation that children will become progressively more independent as they get older.

In some children, separation anxiety persists well beyond the toddler and preschool years, affecting their ability to comfortably attend school or spend time with friends. This type of severe separation anxiety affects 4% of children and 1.6% of teenagers.

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years.

Separation Anxiety in Children: Symptoms and What’s Normal

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years. Older children may have occasional bouts of separation anxiety, especially in new situations such as before going to sleepaway camp.

Babies and young children may have symptoms such as:

Older children may have additional symptoms, including:

When Separation Anxiety Is Extreme: What Is Separation Anxiety Disorder?

When separation anxiety is severe and chronic, or when it interferes with daily life, it may be considered a mental health diagnosis.

Researchers do not know what causes separation anxiety disorder. Like other mental health conditions, it is likely a combination of social, biological, and psychological factors. Children with a history of trauma or abuse may be more vulnerable. Symptoms usually appear in elementary school, between third and fifth grades. They include:

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is no one’s fault. It is not a sign that a child is spoiled or manipulative. The distress children feel is very real, though as children get older, they learn that vocal expressions of distress may stop their parents from leaving. When dealing with separation anxiety, parents should not:

Choosing the right care provider is also critical for reducing separation anxiety. Daycare providers, nannies, and babysitters who are sensitive to the child’s needs can help. Talk to care providers about the importance of comforting and distracting the child—not ignoring them while they cry or punishing them for becoming anxious.

Some research suggests that forming a close attachment to a loving, accessible secondary care provider can ease separation anxiety. This means that daycares that provide the same carer each day, nannies, and consistent babysitters may be better options than an ever-shifting roster of childcare providers.

Some other strategies parents can adopt to ease separations include:

Separation anxiety can be difficult for both parents and children. Parents may feel stress at each separation or adjust their entire lives to reduce separations when a child has intense anxiety. This can affect an entire family, and even undermine careers. A therapist can help families manage separation anxiety in a way that minimizes trauma and honors the needs of every family member. GoodTherapy can help you find a therapist.

References:

  1. Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. Attachment & Human Development, 9(4), 307-319. doi: 10.1080/14616730701711516
  2. Ehmke, R. (n.d.). What is separation anxiety?. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/what-is-separation-anxiety
  3. Krecklow, L. L. (2018, August 28). Separation anxiety: Dos and don’ts to help your child (and you) be brave. Retrieved from https://gozen.com/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave
  4. Separation anxiety disorder in children. (n.d.). Stanford Children’s Health. Retrieved from https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582
  5. Swanson, W. S. (2015, November 21). How to ease your child’s separation anxiety. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx

Girl using smart phone and lying down in bed

As children get older, they begin to individuate, or develop their own unique sense of identity. As part of this normal developmental process, they begin to want more space and privacy from their parents and caregivers.

Most parents remember going through this stage themselves. But you might still feel a little uneasy, even frightened, about your teen’s increased need for privacy, especially when it comes to the internet. You love your child and want to keep them safe, and your awareness of internet predators, cyberbullying, and other online dangers can make you wonder how it’s possible to both give them privacy and ensure their safety.

There are several ways to allow your teen a measure of privacy online but still keep them safe. We offer some guidance below.

Threats from the Internet

If you spend any amount of time online, you’ve probably encountered plenty of articles or social media posts about the various internet dangers that can pop up. Plenty of these threats are real, but remember to keep a realistic frame of mind. For example, some people have experienced brainwashing or fallen in with cults and religious groups online, but this isn’t a common situation. It’s far more likely your child could face harassment, be pressured for sexts, or get asked for passwords.

It’s a good idea to take steps to safeguard your child against all threats while remaining mindful of the likeliest dangers, including:

Other threats can become more relevant at certain times. For example, hate speech and racist ideology may increase in a divided political climate. Teenagers in the process of value formation and identity development may have higher susceptibility to harmful messages, sometimes without fully understanding the racism or hate behind them.

Some youth have increased vulnerability to certain threats. Children who spend a lot of time alone or don’t have many offline friends in their peer group may go online more than children with active offline social lives.

Online friends aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Some youth may not make friends easily or choose to avoid peers in their neighborhood or school for other reasons. However, these youth may be more vulnerable to catfishing or predators, so it’s important to familiarize them with online safety tips and potential red flags.

If your child plays video games online, their device may have a higher risk for compromised security. It’s important to familiarize yourself with the software or console they’re using and make sure recommended safety settings are in place.

How to Keep Your Kids Safe

Awareness is the first, and arguably the most important, step to becoming safer online. You can’t protect yourself from something if you don’t know what you’re up against. So start with some frank communication about the potential dangers of the internet.

Your teen may roll their eyes and say, “I know.” And chances are, they do know. Research has found evidence to suggest many teenagers are very aware of potential online threats and take steps to protect themselves.

If your teen responds in this way, play to their knowledge. Say something like, “I bet you do know! You spend more time online than I do. I’m still learning, and I want to keep all of us, and our devices, safe. What should I know about? How do you keep yourself safe online?”

Or turn it into a game. See who can come up with the longest list of threats and a precaution against each. It doesn’t matter how you increase your—and their—knowledge. What matters is that you’re both aware of what you’re facing and how to safeguard against it.

Make sure they know you’re aware cyberbullying happens and that, if they come to you after being victimized, you’ll do whatever you can to help them. Teens are more likely to open up if they trust you, so remind them they have your unconditional support.

Your teen may resist rules around technology use, especially for their smartphones, but some limits are important. These limits may vary based on your personal feelings about technology and your household setup. Here are some rules you might consider:

Your rules will likely also vary depending on the age of your teen. A 17-year-old using Instagram may be less concerning than a 12-year-old using the same app, so you may set more restrictive limits for the younger child.

Older teens tend to have more awareness of possible hazards of the internet and may be practiced at keeping information private and following safety precautions online. You may also feel more readily able to trust teens who demonstrate responsibility in other areas of their life.

Why Cyber-Snooping Often Backfires

Worries about the dangers of the internet may lead some parents to heavily monitor their teen’s online use. For example, a parent who fears their teen is sexting might believe it’s safest to secretly look through their phones or go through their online history. Some parents might read through their teen’s text exchanges without their knowledge or permission.

Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely. These behaviors, though often carried out with good intentions, can have negative consequences for the relationship a parent has with their teen. Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely. They may also find other ways to get their privacy.

Think of it this way: Many parents feel as if their teenagers know more about digital technology than they do. If you’re among this group, do you doubt your internet-savvy teen’s ability to get around your restrictions? Instead of getting in their digital space, create a home environment of trust and support by making your child aware of possible dangers, then trusting them to come to you when they need help.

Rebuilding Trust

You might struggle to allow your teen privacy online if they’ve previously enjoyed this privacy but did something to violate your trust. It’s not helpful to completely deny them privacy, but if they’ve behaved in unsafe ways online, you may need to temporarily increase your restrictions as a consequence.

You might, for example, allow them to only use their phone when you’re also present. You might also insist they do homework on a family computer instead of a laptop in their bedroom. But it’s also essential they have the opportunity to earn back trust, especially when they show remorse and a willingness to learn from their mistake. A pattern of improved behavior, including increased trustworthiness and responsibility around the house, at school, and with siblings, can demonstrate a teen is ready to earn back privacy.

If your teen has caught you snooping in their phone or computer, they may respond by withdrawing from you. You’ll need to earn back their trust if you want them to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns in the future.

It can help if you:

Rebuilding trust in a family can take time, and it isn’t always something you can do alone. A family therapist can help you work together to find solutions if you’re struggling with trust and boundaries.

We are becoming ever more dependent on technology, and children aren’t exempt. Letting children and teens roam the anonymous digital world can trigger just as much nervousness and fear as letting them walk out the door alone. Accept that your teens will test their limits, as this is part of growing up. But when you offer trust, treat them with respect, and engage in frequent, open communication, you can make sure they’re stepping across the lines of childhood in healthy ways, not dangerous ones.

References:

  1. Anderson, M. (2019, March 22). How parents feel about – and manage – their teens’ online behavior and screen time. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/03/22/how-parents-feel-about-and-manage-their-teens-online-behavior-and-screen-time
  2. Cañares, M. (2018, September 4). Teenage clicks: Can teens protect their privacy on social media? World Wide Web Foundation. Retrieved from https://webfoundation.org/2018/09/teenage-clicks-can-teens-protect-their-privacy-on-social-media
  3. Moreno M. (2014, September 4). What do teens think about online privacy? On the Pulse. Retrieved from https://pulse.seattlechildrens.org/what-do-teens-think-about-online-privacy
  4. Privacy tips for teens. (n.d.). National Cyber Security Alliance. Retrieved from https://staysafeonline.org/stay-safe-online/managing-your-privacy/privacy-tips-teens
  5. What sort of online dangers are teens exposed to on the web? (2018, October 25). SecureTeen. Retrieved from https://www.secureteen.com/online-parental-controls/what-sort-of-online-dangers-are-teens-exposed-to-on-the-web
  6. Williams, A. (2015, January 22). How to protect your teen’s privacy online. Family Online Safety Institute. Retrieved from https://www.fosi.org/good-digital-parenting/helping-parents-protect-teen-privacy-online-

yelling-momYelling is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other often, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. If you are experiencing this you may be wondering how can yelling be prevented in a relationship. Those of you who experience yelling on a regular basis know what I’m talking about.

Yelling at Children

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

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  1. Yelling at children teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.
  2. Yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.
  3. Regularly yelling at a child before the age of three or four, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, “if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.” They are too young to know better.

Helplessness

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

  1. Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling.
  2. Make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.
  3. If reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.
  4. Try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: “There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.”

By the way, in 29 years of practicing therapy, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling at my kid, what a mistake that was.”

Yelling at Your Spouse / Partner

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear and can even create anxiety, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

Yelling Alternatives

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

  1. Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”
  2. Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.
  3. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
  4. In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.
  5. When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.
  6. After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you are making an attempt builds trust and self-confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,
Jim Hutt

Siblings argue over TV remoteSibling rivalry can take many forms—from good-natured demands to know a parent’s favorite to aggressive fighting, punching, and biting. It’s one of the most common problems families face and one of the biggest sources of parenting stress.

Siblings may have very different personalities, and they are thrown together and forced to work out their disagreements for years. This presents a great opportunity for them to learn communication and conflict resolution skills. It can also be deeply frustrating to both parents and their children. Sometimes, sibling rivalry constitutes a unique form of bullying that can affect a child for many years. Knowing how to deal with sibling rivalry can make parenting less stressful and help parents provide a safe and supportive environment for all their children.

What Causes Sibling Rivalry?

Living with another person can be difficult. There are often possessions to fight over, and children may argue over limited resources. Just as some bickering among roommates who did not choose one another is inevitable, so too is some level of disagreement between siblings.

Although most parents of multiple children report some degree of sibling rivalry, the roots of said rivalry can differ between families. Most analysts suggest a competition for parental love and approval often play a central role. Some factors that may increase sibling conflict include:

Some research suggests that younger children may engage in sibling rivalry more often than adolescents. Children between the ages of 3 and 7 have high rates of conflict, disagreeing an average of 3.5 times an hour.

How Sibling Rivalry Affects Kids and Parents

Sibling rivalry can be a chronic source of frustration for parents, as they may feel that they spend most of their time mediating conflicts. This increases the stress and exhaustion of parenting. Constant conflict can also make it difficult to spend meaningful time with children, either together or separately. Some parents struggle to remain calm or patient in the face of intense rivalry. Others worry that the rivalry will negatively affect their children at school, with friends, or in adulthood.

The effects of rivalry on children vary. In the moment, an argument with a sibling can be stressful and frustrating, particularly when a child feels that a parent favors their sibling or does not care about their needs.

Sibling rivalry is common, but not all forms of sibling rivalry are normal or healthy. Sometimes sibling rivalry becomes a form of abuse. A 2013 study that analyzed data from the National Survey of Children’s Exposure to Violence found that sibling assaults are common. Rates of violence were highest among children who were less than 2 years apart. Among this group, 40.9% reported being physically assaulted during the past year, and 7.7% reported either being assaulted with a weapon or being injured.

Chronic physical violence, particularly when one child is usually the victim and the other child is usually the perpetrator, can be traumatic. Chronic sibling violence may increase a child’s risk of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, anxiety, difficulties at school or with friends, and relationship problems in adulthood.

Conversely, sibling rivalry also confers some benefits. Siblings teach one another social skills. Early conflict resolution skills can prepare a child for the many conflicts of adulthood, as well as the challenges of living with other people, such as roommates or spouses. A 2013 study found that fifth graders without siblings had more social skills deficits, even five years after entering school. This trend suggests managing conflicts with siblings continues to confer significant social benefits even after a child enters school and spends daily time with other children.

How Parents Can Prevent Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is common, but not all forms of sibling rivalry are normal or healthy.

“While many parents tend to overlook it as ‘normal’ when siblings treat each other poorly, sibling rivalry can have a negative impact on mental health that can last a lifetime. Sibling rivalry should be viewed by parents as being potentially as harmful as ‘bullying,’” explains Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a family therapist in Oregon who often works with families to manage sibling rivalry and other conflicts.

“One thing parents can do is make ‘needs’ rather than ‘fairness’ the foundation for decisions,” Williams continues. “We tend to think of fairness as treating everyone the same, but in fact, fairness is treating everyone based on what they need. Parents would be serving their children well to teach this concept.”

A 2012 study of a novel intervention for sibling rivalry echoes these sentiments, pointing to the importance of fostering a collaborative relationship between siblings. That study tested 12 after-school activities that taught siblings how to communicate in a collaborative, positive fashion. By encouraging siblings to see themselves a part of a team, researchers were able to improve how siblings felt about each other.

Some other strategies that may help include:

When Kids Accuse You of Having a Favorite

Children who accuse a parent of favoritism often feel genuinely distressed about the experience. So parents should not dismiss their concerns—even if the parent does not have a favorite. Instead, focus on what the child is feeling and how you can help ease those emotions.

Some questions to ask include:

Some strategies for managing allegations of favoritism include:

When Should You Consider Family Therapy?

Family therapy can help families manage many forms of sibling rivalry. It’s never too early or too late to give therapy a try. Therapists can help even with minor sibling rivalry. Some signs that a family should consider therapy include:

The right therapist can help each family member talk about their feelings. They can then support the family to develop a sibling rivalry management plan that everyone can live with. GoodTherapy can help you find a family therapist here.

References:

  1. Children and sibling rivalry. (2019). Retrieved from https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/sibling-rivalry
  2. Ciciora, P. (2019, January 15). Siblings play formative, influential role as ‘agents of socialization.’ Retrieved from https://news.illinois.edu/view/6367/205739
  3. Downey, D. B., Condron, D. J., & Yucel, D. (2013, November 7). Number of siblings and social skills revisited among American fifth graders. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 273-296. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X13507569?journalCode=jfia
  4. Feinberg, M. E., Solmeyer, A. R., Hostetler, M. L., Sakuma, K-L., Jones, D., & McHale, S. M. (2012). Siblings are special: Initial test of new approach for preventing youth behavior problems. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53(2), 166-173. Retrieved from https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(12)00402-8/fulltext
  5. Fry, S. M. (2019, May 1). Sibling rivalry—lifelong relationships, lifelong effects. Retrieved from https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/sibling-rivalry-lifelong-relationships-lifelong-effects/
  6. Tucker, C. J., Finkelhor, D., Shattuck, A. M., & Turner, H. (2013). Prevalence and correlates of sibling victimization types. Child Abuse and Neglect, 37, 213-223. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/d295/389249a7206c2cc0815d2073895d7ca49cd3.pdf

Colorful bird taking flightThe transition from actively parenting children to a quieter life without children in the home can be difficult for any dedicated parent. For single parents, the transition may prove especially challenging. Empty nest syndrome, however, is not always a negative experience. An emerging line of research suggests many parents actually experience a sense of generativity, renewed relationships, and excitement when children leave home.

It’s normal to experience both elation and sadness as children transition into adulthood. When a parent does not have a partner from whom to seek support, these emotions can feel overwhelming.

Empty Nest Syndrome: What Is It?

For many parents, parenting becomes a primary source of identity. They may spend almost all of their time on parenting tasks over the course of 18 or more years. So when a child leaves home, a parent may be left with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and confusion about their identity. It’s normal to struggle with a transition and to grieve the loss of time with a child. For some parents, though, empty nest syndrome triggers feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and loneliness that can morph into depression.

It’s normal to experience both elation and sadness as children transition into adulthood. When a parent does not have a partner from whom to seek support, these emotions can feel overwhelming.

The classic, stereotypical form of empty nest syndrome is considered to strike stay-at-home parents. When a parent, stereotypically a mother, stays home with a child, that parent may have few other sources of identity. When a child no longer needs the parent, they may feel overwhelmed by their own freedom.

According to the research of psychologist Karen Fingerman, however, this phenomenon is shifting. More mothers work outside of the home. Communicating with children who are away at college is easier and more affordable than ever. So fewer parents, especially mothers, may experience empty nest syndrome.

In single parent families, the mother may be even more likely to work. This could reduce the risk of empty nest syndrome, since single parents already have another source of identity and fulfillment. However, the lack of a partner can make an empty house feel even emptier. There is no specific research on the risk of empty nest syndrome among single parents as opposed to partnered parents, and because empty nest syndrome is not a disease but instead an amorphous collection of symptoms, little research has identified specific risk factors for this phenomenon.

Empty Nest Syndrome for Single Moms and Dads

Single parents make many sacrifices for their children. While a partnered parent may be able to sneak in a few hours of leisure time each week or sleep a little later thanks to the help of another parent, single parents are often forced to do it all alone. That means less leisure time, less sleep, less time for other pursuits. Some single parents forego career changes, romance, new hobbies, and new friendships so they can have more time for their kids.

When a child moves away, single parents have more time. That can mean more time to do things they enjoy, but it may also remove a sense of purpose and joy. Some single parents may feel depressed about things they gave up because of their kids. For example, they may grieve the romantic relationships that could have been or fear that it’s too late for a career change or new hobby.

Empty Nest Syndrome: Myth vs. Reality

While many single parents experience empty nest syndrome, many also experience a renewed sense of purpose when their children leave. It’s a myth that a child’s transition to adulthood is always painful for the parents. Parenting is exhausting, time-consuming work.

Some parents relish the chance to sleep in, have more free time, pursue new relationships, and reconnect with an identity separate from parenting.

Many parents report feeling pride and joy as their children transition to adulthood. Sometimes the parent-child relationship also improves when a child moves out, since the parent can begin cultivating a friendship with the child. Some parents report connecting to their child on a deeper level when the child moves out.

Though popular myths suggest mothers are more likely to experience empty nest syndrome, some research finds empty nest-related grief is actually more prevalent among men.

Dealing with Empty Nest As a Single Parent

There’s no “right” way to feel after a child leaves home. Indeed, many parents vacillate between feelings of sadness and joy. Instead of worrying about whether their feelings are appropriate, parents should give themselves permission to explore their emotions as they transition into the next chapter of their parenting lives.

Some strategies that may help parents deal with the transition to an empty nest include:

Talking through your emotions with a therapist can also help. A therapist can help you understand the role parenthood plays in your identity, then work with you to cultivate a new sense of identity. In therapy, you will work to identify self-defeating thoughts, adopt self-care tactics that reduce the risk of depression, and work toward a deeper understanding of yourself outside your role as a parent.

The right therapist can also help you adopt strategies that preserve your relationship with your child as they transition to greater independence. If your child’s transition to adulthood has shifted the family dynamic or caused conflict with other children or family members, family therapy may help.

To find a therapist who can help with empty nest syndrome, click here.

References:

  1. Clay, R. A. (2003). An empty nest can promote freedom, improved relationships. Monitor on Psychology, 34(4), 40. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/apr03/pluses
  2. Heffernan, L., & Wallace, J. B. (2017, August 2). How to thrive in an empty nest. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/02/well/family/how-to-thrive-in-an-empty-nest.html
  3. Mitchell, B. A., & Lovegreen, L. D. (2009, July 13). The empty nest syndrome in midlife families: A multimethod exploration of parental gender differences and cultural dynamics. Journal of Family Issues, 30(12), 1651-1670. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X09339020
  4. Raup, J. L., & Myers, J. E. (1989). The empty nest syndrome: Myth or reality? Journal of Counseling & Development, 68(2), 180-183. Retrieved from https://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/J_Myers_Empty_1989.pdf
  5. The dangers of empty nest syndrome. (2014, October 7). Retrieved from https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/shows.php?shows=0_etom70c6

Toddler son sitting on his dad's shoulders, mimicking his arm motionsProblems in life are inevitable. Challenges cannot be avoided. Life is not always a bed of roses. The ability to recover from a difficult or unpleasant situation is resilience. Resilience means being able to get back on track, as strong as before, after an unanticipated setback such as physical or emotional trauma.

Resilience is not something a person is or isn’t born with; it is an acquired skill a child develops gradually. Kids are vulnerable. For some, the slightest stress can cause major anxiety issues that last a lifetime. Others can counter stress better.

Developing Resilience

It is during childhood that a kid is most likely to develop this skill. Resilient children grow up to be resilient adults as they learn how to deal with stress and difficulties from a young age.

Development of resilience in children occurs at three levels, which are:

Resilience is not something a person is or isn’t born with; it is an acquired skill a child develops gradually.

  1. Individual
  2. Family
  3. Environment

Development of resilience requires input from within, from family, and from the environment, which may also mean society at large.

Not all children can be the same physically, mentally, or emotionally. Everyone has a different threshold of bearing stress, but resilience can be developed at a young age through various methods.

Healthy Risk Taking

Children should not be sheltered by their families from taking risks. In fact, healthy risk taking should be encouraged. Healthy risk taking means letting your child take risks which could hold some risk but also reward.

An example is letting a child try a new sport. Even if they fail, no significant damage is done. This can teach children to face failure positively and come out more confident than before.

Let the Child Solve Their Problems

It’s natural for a parent to want to solve every problem their child has. If and when a parent does that, the child would never learn to solve problems independently. They would never learn what independence is. You should always let your child know you are there to support them. However, try not to walk your child to a solution. Let your child solve their problems independently.

Ask your child questions and let the problem bounce back to your child. Leave it to them to find the solution. It will develop problem solving skills in your child from a very young age.

Don’t Ask Why, Ask How

Avoid ‘why’ questions with your kids. Asking your child why they did something may often get you a response such as “I don’t know,” “I forgot,” or something similarly straightforward. Instead, ask your child how they plan on fixing something they messed up.

Try asking your child questions like, “You let the tap keep running; there is water all over the place. How do you think you can fix it?” Asking ‘how’ questions can promote problem-solving skills in your child. They will think about ways they can fix things. Letting a child analyze situations and solve problems is one of the most important keys to developing resilience.

Help Your Child Understand Emotions

A child may have difficulty labeling the emotions they are feeling. For development of resilience in children, it is important that they understand what they are feeling and deal with their emotions accordingly.

If you assist your child in labeling and understanding their emotions, they will be better able to cope with emotional stress and turmoil. An emotionally stable child will often grow up to become a resilient adult.

Support Your Child Emotionally

Children can be emotionally vulnerable. They may need constant emotional support from people they love. Children often need emotional support to feel strong. Knowing they aren’t alone in a situation will not only make them more confident, but they may be willing to try new and challenging ways to solve problems.

Tell your child how much you love them, and don’t forget to remind them how proud you are of them. Just by telling your child that you believe they can do it can really make them want to do it!

Characteristics of a Resilient Child

If you want to see how resilient your children are, keep an eye out to see if they can:

Long Term Effects of Resilience

When these qualities are inbuilt in someone from an early age, they are able to reach their long term goals and work their way through their problems independently. A resilient child is strong, self sufficient, self sustaining, and self reliant when all grown up. In this way, development of resilience in children holds special significance in their upbringing.

A therapist can help you learn skills to develop resilience in your child. To find a therapist in your area, start here.

Mom and son putting the toys in the box.Parenthood can feel like little more than endless nagging. Clean up your toys. Do your homework. No, don’t do that. No, you still can’t do that. Trying to get kids to listen can be exhausting. The frustration of nagging can also affect your relationship with your child. Parents can become angry and unkind, or they may spend so much time trying to get kids to listen that they are unable to enjoy playing with their kids. Children may become resentful or feel like the only attention they get from their parents is negative.

You don’t have to spend your kids’ childhood as an exasperated taskmaster. Here’s how to end the battle of wills for good.

What Is Nagging?

Every parent has to give their child instructions. Whether it’s teaching a child how to clean up a spill or reminding a child to pack their lunch for school, these daily reminders and instructions are par for the course.

Nagging is categorically different. Parents nag when they repeatedly remind children of their chores and obligations. The fundamental issue underlying nagging is that the parent takes on responsibility for the child. Rather than a child worrying about completing her own homework, for example, the parent manages the child’s time for them.

Nagging can be frustrating and annoying to both parents and children. It can also harm both parties in many ways, including:

Perhaps most importantly, nagging may not work. If nagging did work, parents wouldn’t have to do it all the time because children would begin remembering their obligations. So parents who nag often waste time and emotional effort on a strategy that’s doomed to fail.

Better Communication Can Lead to Better Compliance

It’s easy for adults to forget that being a kid can be tough. Empathy is key to understanding why your child doesn’t listen. In some cases, it’s as simple as feeling overwhelmed. An endless list of tasks that seem boring and irrelevant can cause kids to ignore parents. Consider instead working as a collaborative team. Some strategies that may help include:

Recognizing Needs Versus Wants

Every child is an individual with their own personality. Some kids will never care about an organized room. Others are meticulously clean. Allow space for your child’s unique personality by setting some minimum requirements, then allowing your child to decide how to meet those requirements.

Likewise, it’s important to distinguish things your child must do from things you would merely like them to do. Learning to play the piano is not a requirement for a happy, healthy childhood, while regular doctor’s appointments are. Every parent must either learn to choose their battles or spend their days in a state of perpetual frustration. Some questions to ask yourself when deciding to pick your battles include:

Therapy for Deeper Issues

Don’t allow nagging to become a chronic issue. If you still can’t stop or your child struggles to meet their obligations, you may want to find a child counselor. The right therapist can:

A compassionate therapist can help you end the nagging war. There is no shame in seeking support.

References:

  1. Atance, C. M., & Meltzoff, A. N. (2005) My future self: Young children’s ability to anticipate and explain future states. Cognitive Development, 20(1), 341-361. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3744374
  2. Chen, J. (2019, January 31). Emotional labour was eroding my marriage—This is how we tried to fix it. Today’s Parent. Retrieved from https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/emotional-labour-eroding-your-marriage
  3. How to give kids effective instructions. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/how-to-give-kids-effective-instructions
  4. Myers, R. (2011, July). Why nagging doesn’t work. Retrieved from https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/why-nagging-doesnt-work
  5. Normal child behavior. (2018, October 16). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Normal-Child-Behavior.aspx
  6. Penza‐Clyve, S. M., Mansell, C., & McQuaid, E. L. (2004). Why don’t children take their asthma medications? A qualitative analysis of children’s perspectives on adherence. Journal of Asthma, 41(2), 189-197. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1081/JAS-120026076

Boy showing his soccer mom the trophy he won in summer campNo life is free of disappointment. For some people, disappointment is a passing frustration or perhaps a reason to try harder to achieve a different dream. Some parents, however, deal with disappointment by living vicariously through their children.

Although many people have witnessed this phenomenon at sports games, spelling bees, and parent-teacher conferences, few researchers have studied it. A 2013 study was one of the first to provide experimental evidence that parents do indeed attempt to redeem broken dreams through their children. The researchers found that parents can feel pride in their children’s achievements and even heal old wounds. When taken to extremes, however, living vicariously through a child can damage both the child and the parent.

Signs You May be Living Vicariously Through Your Child

It can be difficult for parents to decide whether they’re involved and supportive or obsessed with pushing their children to fulfill their own broken dreams. Most parents encourage children to do things the parents enjoy. For example, parents who love reading may take their children to bookstores, while avid gardeners may relish spending time in the yard with dirt-loving toddlers. There’s nothing wrong with this, as long as parents follow a child’s lead and allow children to pursue their own interests.

Some signs that you might be living vicariously through your child include:

Why Parents Project Dreams Onto Their Children

Most parents want their children to have excellent lives. For many, this means encouraging children not to make the same mistakes they did, Many parents also feel pressure to give their kids certain advantages or to conform to an unrealistic ideal of parenthood. Parenting culture can be competitive, shame-inducing, and exhausting. When combined with a parent’s regret about their own childhood, it’s easy to see why some parents project dreams onto their children.

Most parents do not intend to harm their children and truly believe they are doing what is in a child’s best interests. It’s important to look beyond your motives and consider the role your emotions and experiences might play in your parenting decisions.

For a small minority of parents, children can act as a narcissistic supply. These parents may use their children as a way to gain acclaim or attention. This behavior pattern is prevalent among people with narcissistic personality, though not all people who do this have NPD. If you use your child to feel good about yourself, you may be behaving narcissistically.

Why Your Children Can’t Fill Your Dreams

Children are separate people from their parents. They inevitably develop different interests and dreams, even when they also share much in common with their parents. Attempting to fulfill a dream through a child is inherently harmful because it ignores that child’s individuality. Pushing a child into a predetermined role can snuff out the child’s unique gifts and interests, preventing the child from achieving their own dreams or realizing their own potential.

When parents try to get their own needs met by living vicariously through their offspring, it puts tremendous pressure on the child and reverses the proper roles.In a healthy parent-child relationship, love and support flow from the parent to the child. Attempting to fill emotional voids through a child can cause a parent to ignore a child’s needs or fail to give the child the unconditional love and support that are hallmarks of good parenting.

In its most extreme forms, living vicariously through a child can be a form of abuse. Parents may aggressively pigeonhole a child into a role, ignoring the child’s needs and feelings. Some parents even become physically or emotionally abusive in an attempt to get their children to excel at certain activities. These parents might spank their children for not practicing piano or insult a child’s appearance before a beauty pageant.

As children grow and learn, their key task is one of individuation—separating from their parents and establishing a unique identity. Parents must help them do this by supporting children to pursue their own dreams. When parents are unwilling or unable to do this, children’s emotional and intellectual growth may be stunted. This can make it difficult for children to succeed as adults, to feel a sense of self-efficacy, or to make decisions without a parent’s input.

How Therapy Can Help You Live Your Own Life

“It is a parent’s job to do what is in their children’s best interest. That includes the parent dealing with his or her own emotions in ways that best further the healthy development of the children. When parents try to get their own needs met by living vicariously through their offspring, it puts tremendous pressure on the child and reverses the proper roles. In this scenario the child is being pressured to meet their parent’s needs, which is very destructive to proper child development.  In order to avoid this course, parents are wise to seek out psychological help so that they can process their feelings and unmet needs with a professional instead of burdening their children with those feelings and needs,” says Johannes Kieding, LCSW, a Tucson, Arizona, psychotherapist.

Therapy can help both parents and children deal with the harmful aftermath of vicarious living. Family therapy can help families manage conflicts stemming from this harmful parenting style by giving children a voice, fostering effective communication, and providing a safe space to discuss alternative parenting strategies.

Parents who feel compelled to live vicariously through a child can also find great relief from individual therapy. A therapist can:

A compassionate therapist can help you live a life of purpose without foisting your dreams onto your child.

References:

  1. Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Slagt, M., Overbeek, G., Castro, B. O., & Bushman, B. J. (2013). My child redeems my broken dreams: On parents transferring their unfulfilled ambitions onto their child. PLOS ONE, 8(6). Retrieved from https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0065360
  2. Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 narcissistic personality disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://behavenet.com/diagnostic-criteria-30181-narcissistic-personality-disorder

A father holding his newborn is distracted by his phoneAttachment may be understood as the relationship between child and caregiver (often a parent). This relationship is the most important in the child’s life, as the caregiver is the provider of all his or her needs. Not only is the child dependent on the caregiver for basic survival, but the child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development also take shape within this relationship.

Attachment and the Disorganized Response

In a secure relationship, the caregiver is able to recognize and respond to the child’s needs in a way that provides support. The caregiver’s behavior is predictable and stable. In a secure relationship, the child is more likely to develop healthy emotion-regulation abilities as well as a healthy view of the self and world. This is because when the child needs comfort and reassurance, they are available. Over time, the child develops a view of the world that when help is needed, it can be counted on. In addition, the child comes to see themselves as worthy of love and support. In a safe and secure environment, the child is better able to take advantage of important opportunities for learning and development.

In contrast, children with unpredictable or abusive caregivers often experience inner conflict and may not form an organized response to fear or distress. When attachment researchers speak about an “organized response”, they are referring to the strategy the child uses when in need of care. For example, if the child’s caretaker is a source of both safety and danger (as in the case of a violent, neglectful, or abusive caregiver), the child may run to the caregiver when upset and then display ambivalence toward the caregiver, such as refusing to be picked up or displaying anger. This demonstrates a fundamentally conflicted situation for the child, as they need the caregiver for safety and at the same time need to protect themselves from the caregiver. In this way, the child can form a disorganized response to distress.

How Dissociative Symptoms Can Develop

Researchers have found that disorganized attachment is associated with dissociative symptoms. Children in a relationship with an unpredictable or sometimes traumatizing parental caregiver have a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the parent and of themselves. The parent is both needed and to be avoided. The child may not understand what makes them a “good” child or a “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.

In order to maintain a relationship with the caregiver—and attempt to make sense of themselves—some children simply forget or deny the abuse. Jennifer Freyd refers to this as betrayal blindness. Forgetting or denying trauma is a symptom of dissociation. It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.

Disorganized Attachment Is Not Always the Result of an Abusive Caregiver

While disorganized attachment is often associated with abuse, sometimes loving caregivers who have experienced trauma themselves can behave in confusing ways toward the child. This happens because of the caregiver’s own inability to control their emotions. Traumatized parents can have a difficult time managing their emotions and providing a sense of security for the child even though they are not abusive or neglectful. Anger or fear can erupt unexpectedly and traumatize the child. A loving caregiver can be experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or dissociative identity disorder and unintentionally behave in frightening or confusing ways to their child.

If a caregiver is dealing with their own trauma, it is recommended they seek therapy. In therapy the caregiver can learn to cope with stress, develop emotion-management skills, and learn more about understanding their child’s needs. Often caregivers who were raised in abusive families are unaware of how to appropriately respond to a child’s emotional needs because they themselves did not have their own needs met when they were children.

There are a range of therapeutic treatments for adults suffering from PTSD that have shown to be helpful. These techniques help reduce symptoms of trauma such as anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. Psychotherapy can provide emotional support to caregivers so they can begin to grow and provide a safe and responsive environment for themselves as well as their children.

References:

  1. Bedard-Gilligan, M., & Zoellner, L. A. (2012). Dissociation and memory fragmentation in post-traumatic stress disorder: An evaluation of the dissociative encoding hypothesis. Memory, 20(3), 277-299. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3310188
  2. Firestone, L. (n.d.). Disorganized attachment: How disorganized attachments form & how they can be healed. Retrieved from https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment
  3. Freyd, J. J. (n.d.). What is betrayal trauma? What is betrayal trauma theory? Retrieved from: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html
  4. Gillath, O., Karantzas, G. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2016). Adult attachment: A concise introduction to theory and research. Academic Press.
  5. Paetzold, R. L., Rholes, W. S., & Andrus, J. L. (2017). A Bayesian analysis of the link between adult disorganized attachment and dissociative symptoms. Personality and Individual Differences, 107, 17-22. Retrieved from http://isiarticles.com/bundles/Article/pre/pdf/155055.pdf
  6. Psychological treatment of PTSD in adults. (2005). Post-traumatic stress disorder: The management of PTSD in adults and children in primary and secondary care. Leicester, UK: Gaskell.
  7. Waters, S. F., Virmani, E. A., Thompson, R. A., Meyer, S., Raikes, H. A., & Jochem, R. (2010). Emotion regulation and attachment: Unpacking two constructs and their association. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 32(1), 37-47. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2821505
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