A scared child has fallen asleep under a bed with a teddy bearSome people live their lives in extreme fear, approaching life with a constant sense of terror. The simplest activities of living can become fraught with dangerous possibilities. Feelings of risk and leaving safe spaces can require a person to make a careful assessment of the world before venturing out. People I’ve worked in therapy with who have this terrorized way of relating to their environment often come into treatment expressing misery and self-hate. They blame themselves for their unhappy lives and have little understanding of how they came to feel terrified all the time. They desperately want more freedom in their lives, and just as desperately, they’re afraid to be free.

The first time Joe came to into my office he looked uneasy as he sat down and stared at me vacantly. “What brings you here?” I asked.

Joe mumbled as he bent his head to the floor, “I hate my life, I hate myself. I have no life. I’m afraid of everything. If I’m alone, I can’t travel, drive, or even leave my neighborhood without fearing that something terrible will happen and no one will be there to help me.”

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This was my introduction to 47-year-old Joe, whose story helped me understand what it means to be terrorized from early childhood experiences. I wanted to help Joe understand his terror so he could relinquish his guilt and self-hate and begin to move toward more freedom in his life.

Joe, an only child, grew up in a household with an absent father who was a workaholic and a controlling mother who was depressed and also likely experienced bipolar. His father died of a heart attack on the job when Joe was 16; his mother died by suicide from drowning herself in the bathtub when Joe was 23.

Joe described his childhood: “Before I started school, I have memories of my mother singing and dancing with me and telling funny stories. Growing up, my father was always working, so Mom would sometimes take me to the yard and play catch or goof around. As early as I remember, she would get very depressed. She’d take to bed and be irritable and mean to me. I had to be very quiet and not disturb her or she would scream that I was killing her. I would sometimes hide in the closet with a book or toy, and I wouldn’t make a sound. I was very scared and I knew if I bothered her she would come at me in a rage and threaten to kill herself. I never knew which mother would be around at any time. I could leave my happy mom and go to school and come home and find her slumped on the kitchen table crying that I didn’t love her, or my father was mean, or why didn’t I stay home from school because I knew she needed me. It was so confusing and scary. By junior high, she usually had things she wanted me to do, like cook or help her with chores. She insisted I come straight home from school. She didn’t like me to bring friends home or go to a friend’s house or even participate in activities after school. It felt like she was totally in charge of me. I knew if I pushed back she would get weepy and angry and tell me she was going to kill herself and what a terrible son I was. I felt as if I’d destroy her if I wasn’t careful. But I loved her and we were close. “

When Joe’s mother died by suicide, he was living on his own just a few streets from his mother’s house. He had been trying to reach her by phone. After several hours of not answering, he told me, “I just knew she had done it. I called a neighbor and asked her to meet me at the house. We found her in the bathtub. It’s been a lifelong struggle not to blame myself for her suicide. Rationally, I know it’s not my fault, but maybe I could have done something to prevent it.”

Joe and I spent many months working on his feelings of responsibility for his mother’s death. We considered that restricting his life and his freedom could be a way to punish himself. While this guilt likely contributes to Joe’s paralysis in engaging the world, more recently our work has focused on the ways in which growing up impacted Joe’s development into a terrified person.

Becoming Terrified in Early Childhood

As Joe became more able to talk about his experience of being terrified as a child and young adult, it became clear to both of us what a visceral experience it was. We understood that Joe wasn’t an ordinary scared child experiencing fear. Rather, that child with his toy in the closet was scared to death; he was terrified. His mother terrorized him. The danger he feared of making a sound while his mother was in her bed felt life threatening. Joe did his best to fend off her rages, attacks, and shaming behavior.

He recalled, “She’d get so cold and absent, or shout ‘You’re killing me,’ or ‘You want me dead, you’re stupid, you’re weak.’ She criticized everything.”

The threat of death was very real in Joe’s house. He explained, “She would tell me, ‘You’re going to find me dead one of these days if you can’t help keep this house clean,’ or, ‘If you don’t get home from school on time,’ or, later when I was in college, ‘If you don’t call me every day.’ ”

Joe’s father played no role in mitigating his mother’s destructive behavior. Joe coped alone with the possibility of his mother’s death. Her destructive communication and unpredictable emotional presence left him feeling unsafe, unprotected, and fearful for his own survival. If Joe didn’t consciously feel that his life was threatened, unconsciously he was terrified of his own annihilation.

In treatment, Joe began to develop a more compassionate attitude toward himself as he learned to appreciate how, as a terrorized child, it was necessary to find ways to protect himself and survive the threat of losing both his mother and himself. He simply could not allow himself to visualize engaging in any activity on his own. His was a dangerous world where no one could save him in an emergency. He hadn’t been able to keep his mother safe, and now surely he was not safe.

As we explored Joe’s terror of venturing into the external world, it became clear that he hadn’t developed the ability to enter his internal world. He wasn’t free to play with ideas about his life or to wonder about new and exciting possibilities. He had to be prepared to respond to his mother’s demands. Unconsciously, he had to dissociate his own needs and desires. Clearly, he had not been able to separate and individuate from his mother.

Developing Freedom to Individuate

Joe had learned to rely on his mother to define his identity and for his positive feelings. She needed him to be dependent and used the threat of her death or his annihilation to keep him controlled and connected. He had internalized his mother’s voice, which, in his adult years, continued to govern him. Even when a parent is deceased, terror can live on in their child’s psyche. Could Joe lessen the influence of this voice that kept him in a constant state of vigilance?

I believed Joe needed to emotionally recognize that he had kept himself imprisoned in the service of keeping his essential self alive in protective custody. If he could allow himself to enter his internal world, he would be able to discover his own wishes, desires, and needs and develop an identity separate from how his mother defined him. We had to consider his unconscious resistances to growing his self and leaving his mother’s voice behind. We explored the downside of “leaving” his mother. Joe realized that he still wanted to protect his memory of her.

“She was so fragile and depressed. I still can’t hurt her or blame her. It wasn’t her fault; she did the best she could, given the deficits of her life,” Joe said.

“I know it’s time to stop protecting her. Even though I don’t believe it’s safe yet, I tell myself the risk is not so great—the pleasures and satisfactions in the world are worth the try. I’ve got to try.”Joe has struggled to overcome his resistance to separating from his mother. He is more able to acknowledge her destructive behavior and experience some anger and disappointment. This could empower him, make him less terrified, and help resolve his conflict so he could choose his self-growth rather than continue to protect his mother.

“It’s hard. I spent my life protecting my mother and myself from death. I’m still protecting my image of her as a good mother who will take care of me. Maybe I believe that if I have my mother with me—even my dead mother—it will protect both of us. I know it’s time to stop protecting her. Even though I don’t believe it’s safe yet, I tell myself the risk is not so great—the pleasures and satisfactions in the world are worth the try. I’ve got to try.”

One doesn’t have to have a parent experiencing suicidal ideation to feel terror about their own survival (consciously or unconsciously). Parents terrify their children in many ways. For example, children can feel terror about their parent’s ability to survive and keep their child alive. Terror can also occur when a child is physically or emotionally abused or result behavior that is shaming, controlling, and/or emotionally withdrawn. Anxious or unpredictable attachment can leave a child in a terrified state.

Joe has a come a long way in working on his terror and his ability to feel safer in the world. I tell his story with the hope that others who have lived their lives in terror as the result of their early family experiences don’t have to be doomed to self-blame, hopelessness, and forever be imprisoned and terrorized. When those who work on themselves in therapy understand how they became terrorized people and emotionally comprehend the visceral feelings of terror that have been endured since early childhood, they can be helped to give up the need to protect significant others who terrorized them. Often, this is the start of a transition from self-blame to freedom of self-development.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Woman takes break from moving and relaxes on sofa with warm drink “When you know better, you do better.” —Maya Angelou

Have you ever met someone who was great at making decisions? Their decisions may not always work out flawlessly, but the confidence they demonstrate when making decisions is impressive. Confident decision-makers have an ability to balance the opinions and advice of others with their inner voice. Even when their plan doesn’t go as hoped, there is a level of peace that comes from knowing, at the time, they made the best decision they knew to make. They learn from the experience and use the newfound knowledge toward their next decision.

So what is the trick to making sound decisions? How can we begin to incorporate this type of confidence when making choices? That depends. There may be research you have to do, people with whom you need to consult, financial situations to consider, time management—the list goes on. What I have found to be one of the most helpful questions to consider during the decision-making process is, “Am I making this decision based on fear or love?”

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What’s love got to do with it? I’m referring to an all-encompassing love for yourself, for others, for the work you do—for your life. Don’t get me wrong; I understand we don’t always have an array of choices we love. Sometimes we have to choose between the lesser of two evils. But when we do, are we basing that decision on fear or love? And why does that even matter?

Think about it. How many times have you made a decision based on fear or reacted in fear and thought, “Gee, that went well! I was at my best when I reacted that way.” A certain level of fear is healthy and keeps us safe, but I’m not referring to physical safety. Our safety and the safety of others is always priority. I’m talking about choices that require us to dig deeper after we’ve done our due diligence, ensured our safety and the safety of others, and examined the logistics. Choices such as:

When we slow down and decide from a place of self-love, we:

  1. Identify and meet our needs in a way that does not harm, manipulate, exploit, or take advantage of others (notice I didn’t say disappoint; sometimes, caring for ourselves first may disappoint others).
  2. Have more clarity about our intentions and expectations, so there is less disappointment if things don’t go the way we hope.
  3. Prioritize our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, which better equips us to care for and love others.

On the flip side, when fear and anxiety drive our decisions there is a greater chance of regretting them, feeling resentful, and jeopardizing our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

Sometimes we may need help from others; a solid support system can help sort through the confusion. Talk therapy can offer a safe, supportive environment for discernment. Finding a good therapist will present you with an opportunity to process your choices and help you develop the skills to manage the emotions that come with them.

Slowing down the decision process will not fully eliminate anxiety or facilitate making difficult choices, but it may allow us to be at peace with our decisions—no matter the outcome.

Remember, take good care of yourself so you can offer the best of yourself to others.

Elephant holds umbrella over dog with trunkTime and again, people share with me the difficulties they have in asking for help. When I hear this, I’m grateful they found their way to my office, because their first phone call to me was an example of having done so.

We all have moments in our lives when we require the assistance of others. We don’t ever know all there is to know or have the skills to do everything proficiently or successfully. We certainly don’t expect that of others, either. So it makes sense we would have occasion to ask someone for help at some point.

The biggest reason many seem to have for staying stuck rather than reaching out is fear. People fear they will be rejected or told “no,” fear being seen as “less than” or weak, or fear being “found out.”

Being told “no” does not have to be awful. We do not have to weave a story and personalize the rejection (make it about us). It may be that the person we chose to ask didn’t have the appropriate resources to help us at that time. It’s best to accept the “no” as the answer to our request, not a negation of ourselves. A “no” tells us not to waste any more time and energy asking this particular person, and guides us closer to someone who will say “yes.”

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Some equate being vulnerable with being weak, but asking for help takes self-awareness and courage. It’s important to know where our strengths lie and where they don’t. Sometimes the most efficient way to proceed is to focus our efforts where they have the most impact, and implore others to fill in the gaps according to their skill sets, leading to teamwork and collaboration. To be vulnerable is to provide the opportunity to connect and pool resources, thereby resulting in further strength.

The fear of being “found out” is akin to the fear of being exposed as a fraud (impostor syndrome). It can coincide with all-or-nothing thinking or perfectionism—believing that if we don’t know it all, we know next to nothing. In most roles in which we function, whether it be parent, employee, or partner, we are not expected to know it all. There are always opportunities for us to learn and grow. It doesn’t serve us to pretend we have every answer. However, it benefits us and others to know where to go for assistance when we need it, and then to avail ourselves of those resources.

What can you gain by asking for help?

It’s also worthwhile to think about whether you’re willing to help others when asked. If you tend to say “yes” and are maybe even happy to be asked, then perhaps you can better see the value in asking for support from someone else.

Asking for help doesn’t devalue you in any way. It can enable you to advance, connect you meaningfully with others, bolster your productivity and ability to do things with greater ease, and better prepare you for your next challenge.

Road through forest with no clear endWhen it comes to knowing ourselves, ideas and mental constructs are overrated. We put too much emphasis on conceptual knowledge and not enough on direct experience.

While it’s tempting to use only cognitive methods to “figure ourselves out,” when we can let go of the mental stories and rest in direct experience as it unfolds, we challenge the habitual ways we make sense of who we are.

When we see ourselves in this direct way, a response of fear is common; our culture trains us to know ourselves through the mind. But rest assured, this fear is a sign of growth. In order for us to grow, we have to move beyond our familiar sense of who we are and into unknown territory—and our natural response to the unknown is typically fear. If we learn to become comfortable with this fear and stop judging it as a sign of weakness or another negative, we begin to open a door of great discovery and even excitement.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Our habitual ways and defenses are deeply ingrained, and a lot of dedication is needed to move beyond them. Below are some ways to work with the fear that inevitably comes up as we journey inside.

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Resting in Not Knowing

It isn’t easy to be with the sensation of not knowing. We tend to either compulsively take action to find answers or avoid situations that trigger the sense of not knowing altogether. What we often miss here is a third option: By staying with the inner experience of not knowing, at the same time fully feeling the desire to know without pushing for an answer, we can experience new levels of self-awareness.

Again, this radical approach isn’t easy. It takes time and practice to develop the capacity to tolerate the experience of not knowing without trying to control it.

Connecting to Aliveness

When we are able to stay with the sensations of insecurity, nervousness, or fear that come from being with the unknown, we also connect with our aliveness. At this point, aliveness and fear can feel like the same thing—but upon further exploration and working skillfully with the uncomfortable sensations of fear, we can begin to discern how excitement is an aliveness different from fear. This sense of aliveness becomes a major player in our development if we learn to trust it, but it requires us to be willing to feel what we encounter in our experience.

Conversely, when we try to deny any part of our inner experience, we only reject parts of ourselves—and this blocks our vitality and joy.

The Body Is Your Ally

If we learn to sense our bodies directly instead of trying to figure things out mentally when we feel a fear of the unknown, we are doing the work. Fear shows itself in many ways, but fundamentally it has a physiological manifestation. If we sense it directly in the body, we develop tolerance for these experiences. When we try to work with fear only at the level of thoughts or even emotions, we are unlikely to deepen in our self-discovery.

For example, say you notice you’re experiencing obsessive thinking about something in the future: you might try to apply a mental solution by appealing to reason, and you may even find temporary relief. However, later on, that anxiety manifests again, perhaps with a different story. What if, instead, you turned toward the body, without ignoring the thoughts, and focused on the actual sensations of the anxiety (e.g., tightness, heavy breathing, vibration, etc.)? You may discover that the sensations themselves, without the attached meaning your mind attributes to them, are more manageable than you think.

Furthermore, you may begin to see there’s a feedback loop between thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. In other words, by understanding the relationship between thinking, feeling, and body sensations, you may see how stories and mental strategies only reinforce the sense of anxiety. This is a liberating insight that can give us the confidence to be with any internal experience.

Don’t Be Afraid of Fear

Fear will inevitably arise when we encounter the unknown, and the more comfortable we become with the different sensations that occur, the easier they may be to navigate. After enough practice, we can begin to recognize that fear is simply a natural response of our nervous system when it encounters the unknown.

If we are not experiencing fear in our lives, we are not growing. We are most likely staying in our comfort zone.

Be Aware of Counterphobic Tendencies

When encountering new layers of fear and defenses, some people tend to dive into these experiences head-on, believing they will “master” the experience. There can be a reckless pushing through with great force that wants to break open the fear and the defenses, but what is behind that movement is fear itself.

Learning to tolerate not knowing and the uncomfortable space that arises when we first encounter new defenses is a practice in itself. The key here is not so much to charge through the experience or break your defenses in a rushed way, but to get in touch with the outer layers of the defense.

Usually what we encounter if we don’t force anything is vulnerability and tenderness. Hanging out in those spaces without trying to change them is the real challenge. Staying open with the parts of you that are terrified—which means being able to slow down and hang out with the vulnerability—is the real brave act, not jumping over it or trying to break through.

For instance, my wife recently confronted me with some patterns of behavior of mine that were affecting her in a negative way. My first reaction was defensive. I was arguing back to her, and I was trying to blame her. As I recognized I was being defensive, I noticed that my chest and solar plexus were contracted. I found myself trying to break open the defensiveness and the contraction. I was trying to force myself to not be defensive.

I recognized I was doing this and that I was in fact being violent toward myself. I took a few breaths, slowed down, and brought in space. With that space, I recognized there was fear and that the fear was pushing the forceful energy. I stayed with the uncomfortableness of the contraction and the mental defensiveness. I simply observed them and felt them without trying to change them. As I allowed the experience, I became more tolerant of it, developed some understanding about it, and bit by bit it dissolved. I was left in an open, spacious, and peaceful state. I was able to see what my wife meant, and I was able to validate her experience and stay open to mine.

Usually what we encounter if we don’t force anything is vulnerability and tenderness. Hanging out in those spaces without trying to change them is the real challenge. Staying open with the parts of you that are terrified—which means being able to slow down and hang out with the vulnerability—is the real brave act, not jumping over it or trying to break through.

In a way, it is more of a challenge to stay with the edges of the experience than to dive in, but if we pull it off, two very important things can happen. First, we build our capacity to tolerate ambiguity and not knowing. In a way, it’s like building endurance by training for a marathon. We don’t push ourselves to run the whole thing when we start training but gradually challenge ourselves more each time. The second thing that can happen is we may uncover related unconscious content from the “bottom up,” instead of figuring it out from a purely mental perspective. In other words, by staying with the outer edges of an experience, memories and mental images can come naturally, without us having to figure out anything.

In my example above, when I felt the chest contraction and observed my mind, I became conscious that my wife’s telling me I was hurting her with my behavior triggered old wounds from my family of origin that did not have to do anything with the current situations. Seeing that allowed me to relax more and not judge my reactivity as bad, but rather to recognize it as a natural response given my past conditioning.

The key here is to stay present and curious in a dynamic and engaged way without pushing and without an agenda. This is not an easy process, and it can take time to develop this receptive attitude. Typically, we need others who have explored the territory before us to help us navigate our inner world.

A Word of Caution

Depending on the level of psychological injury we incurred when we were infants or children, our capacity to relax and tolerate body sensations can be compromised, and we may benefit from therapy. If as young children we were traumatized or chronically neglected in our environment, we may need reparative experiences to heal those deep, early wounds. The level of contraction that early psychological injury creates in the human organism may require a lot of soothing and healing work.

The good news is there are many compassionate therapists who focus on early trauma, wounding, and attachment. It’s imperative that the parts of us that are closed off begin to open in the safety of a compassionate, loving presence.

The Role of the Inner Critic

As we get in touch with the young and vulnerable parts of ourselves, our inner critic may try to persuade us to not continue on this path. It may use all kinds of strategies to steer us away from these places (i.e., “You are so weak!” or, “This is a waste of time!”). So it’s important to recognize when this is happening and work skillfully with the inner critic. It’s also important to recognize the inner critic is a defense motivated by fear.

Although fear can be paralyzing and problematic, and in some cases people may feel stuck or trapped by it, fear can also be seen as a sign of growth. Encountering fear and its associated defensive mechanisms means we are at the edge of our comfortable experience. As we encounter the fear that arises every time we get out of our comfort zone, we can learn to skillfully navigate our inner experience and find deeper levels of peace.

Happy couple taking selfie on road tripEarlier this year, the Powerball jackpot soared to $1.5 billion dollars. Ticket sales went through the roof. People who never played the lottery before were suddenly buying handfuls of tickets. According to psychologists, this is likely rooted in an innate fear of missing out.

FOMO, an acronym for “Fear of Missing Out” has become a popular internet term in the last few years. It was even added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013. FOMO is defined as the feeling of anxiety or apprehension over the possibility of not being included in an exciting event happening elsewhere that others are experiencing.

The term may be new, but the feeling itself is not. People tend to wonder if the grass might be greener on the other side. There’s always the question of whether someone out there is living a better life, making more money, or finding more opportunities. In the digital age, when social media and smartphones have the potential to make us more preoccupied with others’ lives than ever before, FOMO can become a serious problem for some people.

Where FOMO Comes From

The term FOMO was originally popularized by entrepreneur Caterina Fake. FOMO is a modern-day form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” Where people were once trying to keep up with a handful of neighbors, they’re now trying to keep up with hundreds, even thousands of social media friends and followers.

Social media has its good points. It can help people stay connected to friends and family around the globe, but it can also create serious feelings of anxiety, inferiority, and depression for some. People look to social media to feel more connected, but in many ways, it can make people feel more disconnected.

[fat_widget_right]It is not clear to researchers whether social media is responsible for creating feelings of FOMO or if it simply makes it easier for people to indulge in those feelings. The latter is more likely, as humans have dealt with emotions such as envy and regret since the beginning of time. Looking at others’ lives on social media for hours each day can exaggerate those emotions.

Research has linked FOMO to feeling disconnected from others and discontent with one’s own life. According to a 2013 study published in Computers in Human Behavior, people with a high degree of FOMO feel less competent, less autonomous, and less connected in their daily lives than the average person. People with strong feelings of FOMO also reported using social media more often, suggesting social media may be a significant contributing factor to their anxiety.

Megan MacCutcheon, LPC, has noticed the negative effects of social media in people who are seeking to improve their self-esteem through therapy.

“In my workshops, participants often begin a conversation around social media and how it affects their self-esteem and the ability to feel satisfied in their own lives,” MacCutcheon said. “They see all these pictures and status updates on Facebook and develop a fear that they are missing out on the happiness, success, perfect families, and exciting experiences that everyone else seems to have.”

For those looking to improve their self-esteem and increase satisfaction in their own lives, here are some tips for overcoming FOMO.

Embrace the JOMO (Joy of Missing Out)

JOMO, or “Joy of Missing Out” is a counter-term created by entrepreneur Anil Dash. While people with FOMO may second-guess their choices and wonder if they could be having more fun elsewhere, people with JOMO embrace the choices they have made and find joy in the present situation.

Millions of amazing events take place in the world at any given moment. It is impossible to be everywhere at once. Rather than worrying about what you may or may not be missing out on, try making the choice that is best for you and owning that decision. Find happiness in what you’re doing, and remind yourself why you made the choice in the first place.

Limit Your Social Media Intake

FOMO might be an age-old problem, but social media can add fuel to the fire. If you find social media is making you feel envious of others’ lives or unsatisfied with your own, try limiting your time on social media websites such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Many people have become addicted to knowing what is happening in others’ lives. They end up neglecting their own lives, staring into a screen instead of being fully present in the moment.

Try giving yourself a set amount of time to check social media each day. Applications such as StayFocusd, Anti-Social, and Self-Control can block or limit time on social media and other distracting websites. You can also stop notifications from appearing on your phone so you are only engaging with social media when you are actively logged on.

Go to a Digital Detox Camp

FOMO is a modern day form of “keeping up with the Joneses.” Where people were once trying to keep up with a handful of neighbors, they’re now trying to keep up with hundreds and even thousands of social media friends and followers.If limiting time on social media doesn’t seem like enough, sometimes a full hibernation may be helpful. Some people choose to take a few weeks or even months off from social media to spend time with their real-life friends and family and focus on the present moment.

Some may choose to go on a camping or hiking trip to unplug. Others may find it more difficult to put their phones down, so they choose to attend a digital detox camp. Camp Grounded, located in Northern California, is one such digital detox camp. Adult campers willingly give up their phones for a few days, leaving the work jargon at home and participating in activities such as campfires, yoga, meditation, swimming, archery, and stargazing, among others.

Remind Yourself Social Media Is Airbrushed

Remember what is posted on social media is usually not what it seems. Just like the photos of models in magazines are airbrushed, people don’t typically post the whole truth on social media. Instead, people typically only post their best selfies and are more likely to share a photo of an exciting adventure rather than a rant about any difficulty they may be having. Remember, no matter how perfect or interesting a person’s life seems, everyone has bad days.

Be Grateful

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude can help combat anxious and envious feelings. Research has shown simply writing down a few things you’re grateful for each day can help increase your overall life satisfaction. Further positive psychology research links gratitude to greater feelings of happiness and well-being. The next time you’re feeling envious of what someone else has, try redirecting your focus to the positive aspects of your own life. You may start to feel better.

Practice Meditation

Meditation can help you become more mindful of your thoughts and feelings and how they affect your life. Taking a few minutes to meditate each day can help clear your mind and reduce anxiety.

Change Your Thoughts

According to psychologists, FOMO can actually be a form of cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns—such as believing your friends don’t like you if you weren’t invited to a recent event—that can lead to depression and other mental health conditions. Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques can help people learn to spot cognitive distortions when they occur and transform them into more positive and constructive thoughts.

Unplugging from technology, redirecting your thoughts, and seeking help from a qualified mental health professional are all ways you can stop worrying about what you’re missing out on and start feeling confident in the way you choose to spend your time.

References:

  1. Burkeman, O. (2014, October 17). This column will change your life: The joy of missing out. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/17/joy-of-missing-out-oliver-burkeman
  2. Hinds, H. (2016, January 13). Fear of missing out fuels pressure to play Powerball. Retrieved from http://www.fox13news.com/consumer/74215255-story
  3. Huet, E. (2014, June 20). Camp Grounded: Where people pay $525 to have their smartphones taken away from them. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/ellenhuet/2014/06/20/camp-grounded-digital-detox/#732df78c688a
  4. Giving thanks can make you happier. (2011). Harvard Health. Retrieved from http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
  5. Glei, J. K. (2010). 10 online tools for better attention and focus. Retrieved from http://99u.com/articles/6969/10-online-tools-for-better-attention-focus
  6. Pappas, S. (2013, May 14). Life satisfaction linked with fear of missing out. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/14/fear-of-missing-out-life-dissatisfaction-fomo_n_3275349.html
  7. White, J. (2013, July 8). Research finds links between social media and the ‘fear of missing out.’ The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/research-finds-link-between-social-media-and-the-fear-of-missing-out/2013/07/08/b2cc7ddc-e287-11e2-a11e-c2ea876a8f30_story.html

Person looks over shoulder while running“Why do I feel scared even when I’m not in danger?”

This question, or something approximating it, is one of the most commonly asked by people seeking treatment for trauma, many of whom describe an intense fear when they encounter something that isn’t, in reality, a threat to their safety. These people are aware of this fact cognitively. They can articulate the truth of the situation, but it doesn’t take away the intense symptoms that are experienced.

There is a very good reason for this—and it lies within the structure of the brain and nervous system.

First, let’s talk about fear and its function. Fear is a hard-wired emotion in the brain. We are born with it, and thank goodness. Think of fear like an alarm system. It alerts us to threats in our environment so we can respond effectively and keep ourselves safe. This comes in handy when there is an actual threat. When there is a risk to our safety, the fear circuit is naturally engaged to alert to danger.

Under normal circumstances, we are able to check in with the situation to determine if there is a real threat. For example, if you are walking down the street and hear a loud sound that startles you, your body responds and you look around to see what made the sound. If you discover it was a car backfiring, you see there is no threat and you are able to continue on, recognizing that your safety is not compromised. If it is something truly threatening, such as someone with a gun, you go into survival mode of flight, fight, or freeze. Once the threat has passed, ideally you would be able to talk about what happened, process through it, and know that even if you weren’t safe at the time, you are safe now that the threat is gone.

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Although the fear response is normal and key to survival, the fear circuit can get stuck in a type of feedback loop and over-coupling with danger, which tends to cause a person to experience the common symptoms associated with trauma. When a traumatic event is experienced, certain structures of the brain go offline because traumas are intense and the brain goes into survival mode. As a result, the traumatic memory is not stored like a normal memory. It is instead stored in an isolated, fragmented, and frozen way. Because it is isolated from other memory and knowledge, when one is triggered by something that reminds the brain or nervous system of the memory, that information does not have the ability to readily connect with other information in the brain, which makes the nervous system believe the person is in danger.

When a traumatic event is experienced, certain structures of the brain go offline because traumas are intense and the brain goes into survival mode. As a result, the traumatic memory is not stored like a normal memory.

The nervous system then does its job very well, trying to alert the person to danger, even if there is none. Keep in mind this process in entirely unconscious. We can’t think ourselves out of the nervous system’s automatic response.

It is common, post-trauma, to see an over-linking between fear and danger because of the brain process described above: the person has frozen fragments of the trauma that are maladaptively stored in the brain, which means there are also maladaptive linkages. The brain does not know it is safe because parts of it are frozen in time. The over-coupling of fear and danger is even more severe when a person has experienced pervasive trauma throughout life.

Once people understand this process, it is usually relieving to know they are not “crazy” and their nervous systems are simply trying to promote survival. Understanding the dynamic that is happening in the body is the first step to uncoupling fear and danger. Some of the work in uncoupling is done with specific interventions such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy, somatic experiencing, and/or ego state therapy. However, between sessions a person can aid this process by simply paying attention to the moment. Paying attention to body sensations, emotions, reactions, and the environment is a big part of the work. Periodically checking the environment for safety can be especially helpful. Noticing what it’s like to be triggered, have fear, and still notice you are safe takes it to another level and can advance the uncoupling process.

Ladder from dark room leading into lightOne of my favorite writers, fellow social worker Brené Brown, has dedicated years researching vulnerability and all those other seemingly ugly things—such as shame and fear—that get in our way of becoming our best selves. Vulnerability, in particular, gets a bad rap. Although it seems unappealing at best and hurts like hell at worst, vulnerability is a prerequisite when it comes to living a life of authenticity and intimacy.

As a writer, I often put myself “out there” at the risk of being rejected, criticized, and judged. (Surprise—three of my least favorite things!) As a therapist, I ask the people I work with in the therapy room to do the same—that is, if their goal is to create deeper intimacy in their lives. Brown’s work has forced me to turn the mirror on myself and find out how shame and the fear of being vulnerable are holding me back from being the best writer (and therapist, friend, sister, partner, etc.) I can be.

It’s important to note the difference between guilt, the feeling of regret for one’s actions, and its more pervasive counterpart, shame, the feeling that we, at our core, are not good enough, inadequate, less than, and undeserving.

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In her book Daring Greatly, Brown speaks of the little “gremlins,” or the negative messages we give ourselves (often external sources internalized), and how, in a twist of self-fulfilling fate, those negative gremlins sometimes end up showing up all around us. For example, the old friend you made back when you were in a dark place (when you could keep each other’s misery company) who expects you to be the same you and attacks you when you’re not. (Tip: It may be time to de-friend that friend.) Or the colleague who resents your achievements and thus feels the need to put you down to lift himself or herself up. (Reminder: It’s not you, it’s him/her!) And, finally, one of the worst creations to have come from modern technology—so-called Internet trolls. (What less courageous way to express yourself than to anonymously and publicly bully/shame someone brave enough to put themselves out there?)

The title of Brown’s book is inspired from Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech, in which he states: “It’s not the critic who counts. … The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” If you are going to criticize someone’s work or behavior, Brown suggests, you’d better be in the arena, bloody and sweaty and fighting right along with that person.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better?

I’d like to add that if you feel the need to criticize, do so openly and with respect. Or better yet, as my mother used to say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better? How many voices and gifts would we have missed out on if those who were brave enough to dare allowed the naysayers to shut them down?

I speak to myself as I struggle to allow myself to even write this piece as, you can be sure, my own gremlins are hard at work. But, like Brown, I will walk the walk and put my words into the ether regardless of how vulnerable it may make me. Because ultimately, I do aspire to a life lived with authenticity and intimacy—no matter how much it may hurt. The alternative is just not an option. So, bring it on.

I dare and encourage you to do the same.

What are some things that shame and fear are preventing you from achieving?

Scared woman hiding in the forestAt least 30% of Americans have a fear of spiders, or arachnophobia. According to a new study published in Biological Psychiatry, just two minutes of therapy could eradicate that fear.

For most people, arachnophobia does not interfere with everyday life. In most natural habitats, however, people are usually not farther than a few feet from a spider. This means that for some people with arachnophobia, intrusive thoughts of spiders can become a chronic source of distraction and fear.

Treating Arachnophobia with Therapy

Lead researchers Marieke Soeter and Merel Kindt, of the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, wanted to explore whether memory reconsolidation, a treatment originally developed by neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux for the treatment of posttraumatic stress, could treat arachnophobia. The concept behind reconsolidation is to change the way the brain processes memories that may be upsetting, thereby altering trauma-related thoughts and behaviors.

Soeter and Kindt recruited 45 subjects with arachnophobia. Each group was exposed to a tarantula for two minutes, resulting in a predicted fearful response. After being exposed to the spider, half of participants received a 40-milligram dose of propanolol. The other half received a placebo. Propanolol is a beta-blocker but has also been shown to have amnesic properties.

[fat_widget_right]LeDoux’s idea of reconsolidation theorizes that fearful memories require protein synthesis in the brain’s amygdala. After these memories are retrieved, this protein synthesis makes the memories more susceptible to change, but only for a few hours. Thus treatment that occurs immediately after triggering the fear—as was the case with the people exposed to the tarantula—could help extinguish it.

As predicted, participants who received the beta-blocker experienced significant reduction in fear-related avoidance behavior. They were also more willing to approach spiders, even a year after the study.

Treatment Options for People with Phobias

Scientists have multiple approaches to treating fear. Some providers use cognitive behavioral therapy and medication, but this can require numerous sessions. Others offer a form of treatment called exposure therapy, which gradually exposes someone to a frightening stimulus. Though usually effective, these treatment options can be time-consuming and stressful.

The new study could offer a more cost-effective option for people seeking relief from phobias. More research is necessary to assess whether this treatment works with other phobias.

References:

  1. Buddle, C. (2012, June 5). You are always within three feet of a spider: Fact or Fiction? Retrieved from http://arthropodecology.com/2012/06/05/you-are-always-within-three-feet-of-a-spider-fact-or-fiction/
  2. Kaplan, J. S., PhD, & Toplin, D. F., PhD. (n.d.). Exposure therapy for anxiety disorders. Retrieved from http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/anxiety/exposure-therapy-anxiety-disorders
  3. LeDoux, J. E. (2015). Anxious: Using the brain to understand and treat fear and anxiety. New York, NY: Viking.
  4. Whiteman, H. (2015, December 14). How a 2-minute therapy could help cure fear of spiders. Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/304048.php

A man and woman hold up a frame together in a fieldI want to be loved. I want to be fit. I want to have a job I’m proud of. We all have hopes and dreams, but sometimes we take too little action to make them come true.

What is it that gets in the way of taking the actions necessary to fulfill our dreams? How do unfulfilled dreams and a lack of action affect a person’s experience of life?

The pursuit of a goal can give your life purpose, energy, hope, and excitement, but it can also bring anxiety, insecurity, and overwhelm. Sometimes, simply acknowledging what you want can arouse feelings of longing and despair. Some choose to avoid those uncomfortable feelings by disengaging from their pursuit. Avoidance might resolve the discomfort in the short term, but in the long term, refusing to participate in your pursuit of happiness, and facing the mixed bag of feelings that come with that pursuit, can leave a person feeling stuck, depressed, or empty.

It would be wonderful to have all of the energy and excitement of the chase without the fear and self-doubt. The more you want something, the more it matters to you, the less likely you will be relaxed about it.

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There are many reasons a person may become afraid to do something they want or need to do. Here’s a short list:

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” —Norman Vincent Peale

Father and mother with their daughter at the beach’Tis the season for ghosts and goblins and creepy crawlies real and imagined … so I want to talk about one of the human mind’s scariest inventions, one nearly all of us believe in from time to time.

The bubble.

As in, “I’m just waiting for this bubble to burst.”

What, exactly, is the bubble? For many, it represents a happy time in life, a time when things are going well or some relief from a problem has been realized, a too-good-to-be-true moment or relationship. But it comes with a nagging feeling, a sense that it will all come crashing down at some point. People are uneasily content inside their bubbles; believing it could burst at any moment creates anxiety, fear, and worry. They fret themselves into pretzels and struggle to appreciate good fortune because they are so preoccupied with the possibility it will end.

I’ve seen people finally meet the partners of their dreams, only to walk around terrified that their new love is too perfect, the relationship too easy. They find themselves “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I’ve seen mothers with healthy, beautiful families who, on the one hand, talk about how much they love motherhood and how thankful they are but, on the other, are so terrified their kids will get sick or injured that they spend most of their time researching symptoms online and seeking reassurances from doctors’ offices.

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At first glance, these two examples might seem to have nothing in common—a type of self-esteem issue and a form of hypochondria—but both are signs that a scary-feeling bubble of sorts has taken over and prevented each person from fully enjoying what they have.

There are many interesting things to discover about each person’s unique bubble. For someone in a new relationship, we can talk about the joys of the “honeymoon” phase and how important it is for lasting connection. We can talk about the person’s belief that he or she is not worthy of a good relationship. For the mom with an overly involved parenting style, we can connect to her sense of responsibility and her deep love and desire to protect her children. We can gently poke at the bubble and remind these folks that, like all creatures, they deserve good things in their lives and don’t have to “pay” for them with bad fortune later.

Indeed, bad fortune does come to some of us some of the time, but the bubble doesn’t prepare us. We might look back and say, “Oh, I knew my luck would run out” or “The relationship was bound to fail at some point,” but the bubble didn’t help matters. It’s imaginary. We invented it out of thin air.

More importantly, the bubble doesn’t protect us from anything. It just causes us stress. The bubble is our safeguard against all that we fear: as long as we put ourselves in this happy bubble over here, but feel impending doom (or at least some alternative, negative reality) over there, we can stay in a fantasy.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

There is no bubble. All of these feelings and states and phases in our lives are just part of our lives.

We have grown accustomed to the idea that there is a “honeymoon” phase at the beginning of relationships and that it’s not a bubble that bursts. It is a stage that we can be grateful for, one that graduates to something else. Similarly, we should get used to the fact there will be times of health, connection, and success without expecting “payback” down the road. Just because something wonderful is happening in our lives doesn’t mean it must be followed by something terrible.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

The best we can do when things are going well, when we have healthy children or a flourishing relationship, is to stay mindful of what we have and enjoy it. Spend more time flourishing, enjoying your good health, and cultivating happy things. This is the cornerstone of a solution-focused mind-set.

Here are some ways I help people in therapy through their bubble mind-sets:

Remember, bubbles are every bit as imaginary as ghosts and goblins. Happy Halloween!

I think you have quite a bit of insight about your problem: your childhood experiences and past relationships have shaped your worldview in such a way that you don’t trust your current reality.

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You have made yourself vulnerable by committing to not hurting your husband—and that feels scary to you. We all carry some baggage from our formative experiences into current relationships. It seems, however, that your fears are preventing you from enjoying your relationship as you could. I imagine you find yourself in a pretty constant state of anxiety or fear—watching and waiting for evidence that you might get hurt. That’s exhausting. It also can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect someone to tire of us, and we push for reassurance or we accuse them of not caring enough until they do tire of our behaviors and disengage from the relationship. That then confirms what we believed all along—that people will hurt us and leave us.

Most people will leave us if we push them away hard enough. The challenge is not to push when we feel scared or vulnerable, but to engage and connect.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles.

There is no quick fix or easy answer to your question. I recommend that you find a therapist to work through your relationship fears and feelings of self-worth. There is quite a bit of healing that will likely need to happen before you can fully embrace being in relationship with another person.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles. You can talk with a therapist about how to bring your husband into the work you do together—as he can likely be a great support for you. If he understands your triggers and how to respond most effectively to you, that can only enhance your relationship. However, I do not suggest focusing on couples work. I think you would benefit first and foremost from individual work to address your concerns.

Best wishes,
Erika

blurred image of spinning circus rideSometimes, anxiety feels a lot like riding too fast on a spinning carousel at an amusement park. It takes hold of a particular thought or fear and spins on it nonstop. It’s frustrating and exhausting, and it can feel out of our control.

The temptation in that situation is to do one of two things to feel better: (1) distract ourselves from the thoughts or (2) indulge them. Distraction maneuvers include watching television, calling a friend, taking a pill, or checking Facebook. Indulging behaviors might look like making endless lists and notes about anxious thoughts, researching whatever the issue is for hours, or calling people to talk through the same problems over and over.

The tough truth is that we can’t run from what’s bothering us, and we can’t necessarily “solve” it, either. If our minds are telling us to be very worried about a work meeting tomorrow, the answer is not to spend hours thinking about that meeting. This gives us the illusion of control—“If I can imagine every possible issue that could arise during the meeting, I’ll be able to handle whatever happens”—while keeping us tired out and high-strung. Trying to solve an irrational fear through rational thought is, as it sounds, impossible.

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Instead, we have to do something that feels pretty counterintuitive: To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about. “Sitting with the feelings” sounds a lot harder; who wants to lean into feeling scared and worried? But we’ve already tried distraction and indulgence, so we know those are temporary fixes without any long-term gain. Once the fear about the work meeting is soothed, another problem will be waiting to frighten us, and we’ll have to start working feverishly again to calm that thought.

There are many ways to attack anxiety more productively. The tools below are described in their simplest form. If you see one that appeals to you, a professional, a book, or even a website could help you flesh them out and practice them. Other ideas can be tried here and now, on your own.

To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about.

1. Words

When your mind is spinning, there’s a story that you’ve created. First, try to figure out the words the anxiety is using to scare you. Perhaps they’re “don’t bother asking that girl on a date, she’ll never say yes.” Or “if you drive on the freeway, you will be in danger.” Write down this message in the clearest words possible, then see if there’s any deeper message underneath it. If you’re afraid to ask someone out, could there be a fear underneath that such as “no one ever likes me”? Does anxiety about driving also include the larger worry that “the world is unsafe”? When we uncover the core message, we can sometimes see that it’s exaggerated and devastating. It’s a huge generalization.

Next, try to find a replacement thought that is more balanced, more realistic. It doesn’t have to be something magical like “everyone always loves me!” or “no one ever gets into car accidents!” These will be difficult to focus on because they’re hard to trust. A more reasoned statement might be “I can handle rejection” or “some women have wanted to date me in the past.” When you come up with a thought that feels more positive and easy to believe in, consciously stop yourself whenever the anxious thought arises, push it away, and replace it with the new thought. Over and over, practice the new words to create a new thought process.

2. Images

If you’re drawn more to pictures than to words, visualizations are a wonderful and powerful way to calm your spinning mind. Try to discern how your anxiety looks to you. Maybe it’s a field of pulsating red, or a spiky ball. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Imagine holding your anxiety in your hands. Feel its texture, its weight, its temperature. Then imagine chilling this anxiety with a breeze of fresh, cool air. See it shrinking in your hand. It becomes as small as a medicine ball, then a kickball, then a handball. Soon, it’s as tiny as a ball bearing. Continue to hold and shrink the anxiety whenever it occurs.

Another way to calm anxiety with images is through creative visualization. There are many such resources available online as audio, video, or written scripts. These stories walk you through a calming experience, simultaneously helping your body relax and moving your mind away from the distressing thoughts and into a more peaceful, controlled state. Practicing these mini-meditations trains your mind to focus less on outside subjects, which we have little control over, and more on our inner selves, which we have complete control over (although this often doesn’t feel true). One lovely visualization can be found here.

3. Physical Feelings

Finally, relaxation and anxiety management can be found by changing how your body is functioning. Sometimes, anxiety starts in the body instead of as a thought. The sympathetic nervous system gets triggered, we feel a thumping heartbeat, quicker breathing, and twitchy muscles, and then the mind looks for something to blame it on. What am I so upset about? Suddenly we’re searching for a cause and choosing targets that may or may not be relevant or significant. It must be my relationship. And then we’re off on the cycle of repetitive thoughts that feel unmanageable.

Anxious thoughts and an anxious response in our bodies are almost always linked, and they need to be dealt with on both levels. First, taking deep breaths and slowing our body movements can help bring some oxygen and blood flow back to the brain, making it easier to think logically. Experts suggest breathing in to a count of four and out to a count of five, both through the nose. The slower out-breath mimics breathing patterns while we sleep, and can help trick the brain into thinking we’re relaxed before we actually are.

These techniques represent just the beginning of ways to address anxiety directly, without trying to run from it. The good news is, once you find a way (or two or three) of gaining control of your spinning thoughts, there can be a powerful sense of mastery and relief. The carousel does not have to rule your mind and body. Rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, you can slow the ride, dismount from the horse, and get a good night’s sleep.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.