13 Reasons Why is a runaway hit with teens and tweens. Here’s what you need to know and how to discuss the controversial topics it introduces (and doesn’t always handle responsibly) with your kids.

Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why glamorizes suicide to a vulnerable audience. It sends the troublesome message that if you are not able to find your voice in life but are thoughtful about planning your death, you can bring about justice and have the last word from beyond.

What a way to stick it to the people who contributed to your decision to end your life.

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The teen years are fraught with challenges. Unfortunately, bullying, sexual objectification, and unstable relationships are some of the issues adolescent girls often face. The show’s protagonist, Hannah Baker, experienced a series of heinous assaults—on her character and her body—at the hands of her peers.

Parents, classmates, and school faculty were not there for her, as she needed them to be. She handled her pain by ending her life at age 17. She was a bright girl with a dark sense of humor and unknown potential.

Instead of seeking help, she spent the last week of her life crafting an elaborate scavenger hunt as a legacy to teach the people who had hurt her a lesson. She channeled energy that could have saved her life into planning her death and the events that would follow.

I see teens in my private therapy practice. Many of them are watching this show, which makes suicide dangerously relatable and depicts it as a form of self-expression. I fear we are going to see a surge in teen suicidality.

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. More than 5,000 people in that age group die by suicide every year in the United States. Graphic depictions of suicide have been shown to exacerbate suicidal ideation in already troubled teens, particularly if the act is portrayed as imaginative and brave. Adolescents who think everyone paid attention to the pretty, misunderstood girl from 13 Reasons Why may be tempted to follow her lead.

The show shines a light on the damaging “butterfly effect” the self-serving actions of insecure high school students jockeying for social status can cause. It opens up an important conversation about “slut-shaming” and sexual assault. But it fails to let teens know suicide is not an appropriate response to tragic circumstances.

As it is, too many teens struggle with depression and suicidality made worse by the cruel politics of high school. This show gives them an out of sorts, painting suicide as an opportunity to be immortalized in death.

Her suffering makes her a heroine—maybe even a modern-day martyr. But is that really the message we want our kids to take away? That if they are clever enough about the way in which they plan their untimely death, they will make an impact in a way that would never have been possible if they had struggled through it and lived?

What does this show teach kids about the value of their lives?

Hannah Baker made audiotapes and began a chain, arranging to have them delivered to each person she holds responsible for contributing to her suicide. She declares each one guilty in a posthumous trial, shaming them among their peers and riddling them with fear of social, academic, and legal consequences if word gets out about what they did.

She lives on as a narrator, almost as if she is watching her classmates’ lives unravel in response to the information she disseminates among the group. She is the “star” of the show.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold, and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over. Once she decided to end her life, it seems Hannah took more pains to plan for events after her death than to seek a reason to live.

High school can be vicious. At this treacherous developmental stage, fitting in can seem like life and death. Kids betray friends to avoid humiliation, impress peers, and secure their place in the social hierarchy. Add to that the rapid changes occurring in the body and brain, the pressures of navigating dating and sexuality, worries about grades, extracurricular activities, college, and family issues, and it’s a perfect storm of stress.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over.

But the answer is not to opt out. And this needs to be made clear to a population susceptible to self-doubt and impulsivity. Adolescents’ developing brains cannot fully grasp the impact of their actions, rendering them prone to ill-conceived decisions.

Most choices can be remedied and may serve as valuable lessons. But utilizing one’s suicide as an intricate revenge fantasy? Teens need to recognize this irreversible act will not bring the satisfaction they imagine. Despite her voiceover implying otherwise, Hannah Baker did not live to see the impact of her tapes.

The teen years can be agonizing. One out of six high school students seriously considers suicide. The message needs to be made clear. Once you take your life, there is no coming back. There is no chance to use your pain to create something beautiful, to use your empathy to offer people friendship or hope, or to triumph over those insecure, self-important kids who stepped on you to prop themselves up.

There is no realizing they cross your mind less and less as you find contentment, fulfillment, and connection with people who are not fixated on their own image, or that there are no more cool kids—life after high school is about finding your passions and people who uplift you.

With many teens viewing media on their personal devices, it is challenging to stay on top of what your kids are seeing, but it’s important to know what is influencing them. None of the teens’ parents in the show have a real sense of what is going on in their lives while they make savage, illegal, and, in Hannah’s case, fatal decisions.

Teens don’t tell their parents everything. It’s stage-appropriate for them to reject their parents’ ideas and carve out their own identities, but you have a responsibility to engage with your kids and know their friends. Encourage them to share their goals and setbacks with you.

Pay attention.

There are clues when something is wrong, but you have to look for them. How are their grades? What do they do with their free time? Which activities are they involved in? What are their interests? How is their mood? Who are their friends?

13 Reasons Why raises a lot of serious issues worth discussing, but it dangerously romanticizes suicide and elevates it to a heroic act. Though Netflix does not release ratings data, it is the most-tweeted-about television show of 2017, making it clear this is a cultural phenomenon.

Since your kids may have watched it already, use it to talk to them about bullying, depression, feelings of isolation, and suicidality. Ask them what they think about choosing to end one’s life and what they would do if they felt hopeless. Offer them counseling, whether it’s the guidance counselor at school, a community counseling center, a private practice therapist, or a teen group.

Frame it as a resource to be utilized when they struggle and remind them they can come to you, no matter how concerned they may be about your reaction. Let them know you love them unconditionally and are there to help in any way you can. Ask how they are doing if they appear to be hurting. They may not share with you because they think you aren’t interested or you’ll criticize or worry.

Create a climate that lets them know you care and want to support them without passing judgment or trying to live their lives for them. Talk to your kids and let them know it gets better and help is available.

Sometimes the most difficult choice is to struggle on, but all emotions are time-limited. Just as there were joyful moments in the past, there will again be moments that make life worthwhile. Hardships provide us contrast with which to appreciate them and with the tools to grow resilient.

If you are feeling suicidal, or know someone in crisis, please reach out for help. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988.

References:

1. Gould, M. S., & Lake, A. M. (2013, February 6). The contagion of suicidal behavior. Contagion of violence: Workshop summary. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207262
2. Holmes, L. (2017, July 18). Netflix shows are sparking conversation about mental health. But is it helping? Huffpost. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/netflix-mental-health_us_5968f080e4b03389bb16f500?utm_content=buffereed8d&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
3. Koebler, J. (2013, May 21). Study: Suicidal thoughts are ‘contagious’ in teens. U.S. News. Retrieved from https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/05/21/study-suicidal-thoughts-are-contagious-in-teens
4. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Youth suicide prevention program. Retrieved from https://yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
5. Stoek, A. V., McCauley, E., Flynn, C., & Stone, A. (2010, December 1). Thoughts of death and suicide in early adolescence. Suicide and life-threatening behavior. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2819538

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Everyone I know goes bonkers when they see a kid under the age of, say, 6. “Oh, what a sweet-faced little angel!” they’ll say. All I see, meanwhile, is a snot-nosed germ factory and life/financial drain whose parents, in the prime of their lives, surrendered their freedom to raise.

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I never say this out loud, of course. But sometimes my dislike of kids inevitably comes out, as when the unwanted questions about my own situation come along: “Any kids?” “Don’t you want to have children?” “When are you having kids?” Nope. I sure don’t. Never! People stare at me like I have three heads when I say I don’t like or want kids.

I’m getting to the age where most of my friends are having kids, and this makes me feel increasingly isolated. I can’t help that I don’t like kids (at least, I don’t think I can?), but I also sometimes find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me for not liking/wanting children. Your thoughts on this would be welcomed. —No Kidding

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear No Kidding,

I really appreciate this question. So many people struggle with this issue. Having children, like any other life decision, is not for everyone. Some people are certain they want to have children, others are certain they don’t want to have children, and still others are unsure. It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.

Society seems to be at something of turning point on this issue. People of previous generations often got married and had children without giving it much thought, but rather because it was just “what you did.” These days, for many people, major life events—including marriage and having children—are not taken for granted, but rather thoughtful decisions based on the kind of lives they’d like to live. Still, there remain plenty of people who see these events as customary, desirable, traditional, or inevitable and therefore have no qualms about asking you when you are going to do them.

It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.

I would imagine if you can do some work to get to a place where you accept this as a valid choice designed to give you the kind of life you are seeking, you may stop questioning what is “wrong” with you. You may feel more comfortable providing people with explanations when they inquire or, even better, you won’t feel a need to justify your choices. If you struggle to get to this place on your own, you might consider partnering with a therapist to help you explore this issue, come to terms with it, and decide how (or if) you want to talk about it with people.

Before closing, I’d like to end on a practical note. You mention feeling isolated as more and more of your friends begin to have children. People generally become friends with one another because of some commonalities or an experience that draws them together. This was probably the case for you and your friends when you met. As your friends move into parenthood, there can still be a place for you in their lives (and vice versa), but it may also be important for you to find some friends who are interested in the freedom a child-free life can provide.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Recently there has been an increasing trend in my practice of parents reaching out to help their adolescents manage their emotions. Parents often tell me, “My teen goes from zero to sixty, seemingly without any provocation. Nothing I say seems to help. Discipline doesn’t have an impact.”

I think we all must remember that being a teen is not something most of us would like to repeat. It’s difficult to manage the various changes that happen all at once—physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the brain is in this mode, it is less able to access executive functions such as reason, logic, or the ability to use good judgment.

In addition to that, it’s also essential to consider the many things life throws in a teen’s path that can result in trauma, anxiety, depression, or general distress. In trying to navigate social situations, bullies and other stressors, school, various other responsibilities, and home life, as well as beginning (or continuing) the process of self-discovery, teens have a full plate indeed.

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Developing Skills To Manage Emotions

Fortunately there are skills teens can learn to help manage their emotions and the many changes they are facing. Managing emotions is one of the most important life skills a person can develop. I work with many adults who became stuck in adolescence while trying to learn to manage their emotions. As a result, they find their adult relationships difficult to navigate at times.

I believe one of the most important strategies to develop in managing emotions is the ability to identify feelings. Sometimes teens find it difficult to let themselves know what they are feeling, or perhaps they simply don’t know how to identify their feelings. Once they are able to identify and articulate their feelings, vulnerability comes into play, but often the vulnerability piece is avoided because of fear of rejection. Defense mechanisms such as criticism, defensiveness, blaming others, shutting down, or using anger to intimidate are some of the strategies teens may resort to in order to save face.

Learning to Accept Feelings

I believe it’s also of great importance for teens to learn how to accept their feelings. I often work with teenagers who want me to tell them how to make their charged emotions go away. I sometimes ask, “What would happen if you accepted your feelings?” The notion of accepting feelings is not one that is often seen as an option. What I see more often in teenagers is the underlying belief that if the feelings are accepted, they are settling for feeling that way on an ongoing basis.

I remind teens that emotions are not necessarily reality. Emotions can cloud the big picture, and when teens succumb to their emotions, they may lose perspective on what is real. I often encourage teens to pay attention to their self-talk. What do they say to themselves about their feelings? Self-talk is very powerful, and most of us engage in more negative self-talk than positive self-talk. Teens are no exception. But I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe. I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe.

Teens are often faced with things that are beyond their control, and this can result in anxiety, which is based in fear. What cannot be controlled may produce fear. The ability to discern what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled is important, and teens may find it beneficial to learn how to discern and then let go of what cannot be controlled. Admittedly, this is much easier said than done!

I also advocate for teens to find appropriate ways to express their feelings, negative and positive. Feelings must be released somehow, and the key for teens is to find ways to express them using techniques that will not harm them or anyone else.

There are numerous appropriate techniques teens can use to express their feelings:

• Teens can write about their feelings.
• Teens can express their feelings through art.
• Music helps many teens both realize and express their feelings.
• Physical activity can be productive in helping teens release their feelings.
• Crying is very beneficial at times; teens should know it’s okay to cry.
• Talking and processing emotions with someone trusted can be helpful for both releasing feelings and gaining perspective.
• Sometimes teens need to take some pressure off of themselves and “just be.” This should be allowed and encouraged.
• The empty chair technique, which I discuss below, can be very cathartic.

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique, cathartic in releasing feelings and understanding internal conflict, comes from Gestalt theory. If a teen is experiencing emotional dysregulation about another person or a social situation, the teen puts this person or situation into an empty chair, metaphorically speaking. The teen sits in the chair and takes the role of the other person, saying what they imagine the other person would say. The teen then switches back to their own chair and says what they want to say (out loud) to the person(s) they would like to express their feelings to.

I encourage teens not to worry about what they are saying when they use this technique. If they need to yell, they can yell. They can express their raw emotions without worrying about retaliation. The objective of this exercise is to help the teen understand the internal dilemma they are experiencing about the other person or situation.

What Can Parents Do?

I believe that generally, parents do the best they can. Sometimes, parents need the opportunity to learn effective parenting skills to navigate the many challenges that come with adolescence. Some effective strategies parents can use to support their teens in learning better emotional management may include:

• Using non-judgmental language. It is easy to assume we, as parents, know the intent of the behavior teens display, but sometimes we don’t. It is important to separate the intent of the behavior from the effect of the behavior and to not assume the intent of the behavior is negative.
• Avoiding all-or-nothing thinking and accepting there is sometimes a gray area
• Facilitating independence by providing assistance
• Providing choices and limits
• Be willing to renegotiate and choose priorities
• Providing firmness and gentleness
• Displaying acceptance and hope
• Validating by paying attention, helping your teen clarify their thinking, normalizing your teen’s feelings or behaviors, and displaying empathy and acceptance. When appropriate, offer self-disclosure and vulnerability when your teen is vulnerable.

Finally, self-care is an important skill for both teens and parents to learn. What do they need to take care of themselves? Exercise? A long bath? Rest? Healthy food? What do they need from another person they can trust? A hug, words of encouragement, or a shoulder (all without judgment) can be very healing. Teens and parents must learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to reach out when they need emotional support and to practice self-acceptance while still remaining open to change.

References:

1. The empty chair – Gestalt theory at work. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://plaza.ufl.edu/jerez64/paper2.html
2. Parrott’s classification of emotions chart. (2013, June 29). Retrieved from http://msaprilshowers.com/emotions/parrotts-classification-of-emotions-chart
3. What is DBT? (n.d.). The Linehan Institute. Retrieved from http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

Don’t let my youthful face fool you—I’m a few years older than Taylor Swift. (No, I’m not telling you how many years older. How rude of you to ask! We just met.) Nonetheless, the iconic pop star has several lessons those from every generation—millennials to boomers—could stand to learn, even if you are not a Swiftie or are repelled by the idea of becoming one. (I must confess, though, life on the Swiftie side really is delightful!)

Life Lesson No. 1

“Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you, especially when they don’t know you.”

I’m taking this quote directly from Taylor when she performed at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Well said, Taylor.

How many times have you worried about other people’s opinions of you? How has that worry held you back? What might you have achieved or accomplished if you had been able to let go of that worry? Could you have felt better about yourself?

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One thing I’ve learned in life is that, the majority of the time, people are focused on themselves—so much so they probably have no clue what you’re doing. And if they did, they would likely be more concerned about what you thought about what they thought of you! (Are you still with me?)

Life Lesson No. 2

Your 20s are both “miserable and magical” and a time to feel “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

As a psychologist, I provide therapy to adults of all ages, from every decade of life from the 20s to the 80s. Each decade has common challenges. Yet, for those in their 20s, it can be a landmine of obstacles. For many, the 20s are a time when nearly everything in life is up in the air, sometimes all at once.

Young adults often question what they should do for a living, who they should date (perhaps exploring or questioning their sexuality), where they should live, even who they feel they truly are. These concerns don’t magically or mysteriously resolve the day you turn 30. However, as people move through their 20s, they often find some grounding in these various areas that can be built upon in future decades. In the interim, the vast selection and possibilities can feel liberating, scary, or even isolating. Any unpleasant feelings can be exacerbated by people aged 30 and over who act dismissive, telling those in their 20s they have no problems because they are young. Maybe they had so much fun in their 20s they can’t remember the associated and occasional angst. For their sake, I hope that’s the case.

Life Lesson No. 3

When you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

It’s hard for me to imagine that concert-goers under age 10 could understand the lyrics, “When I was drowning/that’s when I could finally breathe.” For me, I associate this song (“Clean”) and its lyrics with the occasional importance of hitting bottom, or at least getting close. It is often only when you hit bottom that you realize you can float, or essentially discover how resilient you really are.

As humans, we typically do all we can to avoid emotional pain. But people die, get divorced, get fired from jobs, and go through countless other forms of adversity. And the only option is to keep going forward, even if you take some time to grieve and retreat, because you must come out the other side. When you do, you will realize you are stronger than you think.

Life Lesson No. 4

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake.

When you run into these characters, try to do like Taylor and “shake it off.” This is related to life lesson No. 1—not letting others define you. Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t let others throw you off your game.

I often advise people in therapy to keep their eyes on their own lane. Just as when driving, if you focus on someone else’s life or drama, you may get hurt in a crash or start driving to someone else’s destination.

Life Lesson No. 5

Always take the high road, even when others don’t (ahem, Kanye).

This life lesson can be learned anytime Taylor must interact with Kanye West or his crew. Few of us will ever forget the infamous 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye rudely interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video. And we won’t soon forget the recent lyrics Kanye wrote about Taylor, the video he made, and the subsequent reactions on social media.

It doesn’t seem to matter who throws shade her way; her responses, whether in an acceptance speech or in a tweet, always seem to reflect maturity and integrity. I don’t know how she maintains such composure, but it’s impressive. I know what I wanted to say to Kanye, but Taylor never went there. She rose above.

Life Lesson No. 6

Make art out of your pain.

Some of Taylor’s best work emerged from times of what seemed like significant pain. Figure out how you can work with your pain and sadness to create something amazing or healing. Such an approach could transform your life.

In my practice, I call this a “tragic gift.” This relates to life lesson No. 3—when you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

I could write about several more life lessons I’ve learned from Taylor Swift, including investing in and supporting your friends, standing up for what you feel is right, being able to laugh at yourself, and giving back to your community. But you get the idea. Despite Taylor’s relatively young age, there is much we can learn from her. One of my favorite lessons is you can be a woman and be powerful, beautiful, and intelligent. Thank you, Taylor!

Given that the transition from adolescence into young adulthood is often marked by normal emotional ups and downs, it can be difficult for parents to identify symptoms of mental health issues. Especially after puberty, adolescents experience a variety of changes, both behaviorally and psychologically. They also experience mood swings that can seem severe, depending on the day and the circumstances.

So what should parents be aware of? What should they watch for? Some broad signs that indicate an adolescent’s mood or behavior could be problematic include:

• Social isolation
• Anger, irritability, or depression that is consistent
• Moodiness that lasts longer than a few days
• Sudden weight loss or gain
• Significant changes in appetite
• Fixation on a thought or an impulse

Some of the most common mental health diagnoses among adolescents are depression, anxiety, attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), and eating disorders. Let’s take a closer look at these issues and explore their symptoms.

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Depression

Common symptoms of depression in adolescents are irritability (generally more so than sadness), anger, hostility, and melancholy. Adolescents often have somatic symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches when depressed. Other symptoms to look for are low self-esteem, chronic fatigue, apathy, lack of concentration, emotional dysregulation, and thoughts of suicide. It should be noted that adolescents and young adults can also display symptoms of bipolar, a mood condition similar to depression but with the addition of mania. Mania can manifest as an extreme elated mental state, such as feelings of euphoria, lack of inhibitions, racing thoughts, little to no need for sleep, excessive talking, and risky behavior.

Anxiety

Anxiety can manifest as panic (or panic attacks), posttraumatic stress (PTSD), obsessive compulsion (OCD), social anxiety, or phobias. Parents should take note that PTSD often presents as severe fear of people, places, or things, and can also be diagnosed as phobias, while obsessive compulsion typically manifests as consistent thoughts of an image or impulse. Young adults with anxiety can appear fearful, withdrawn, and emotionally dysregulated.

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible.

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity (ADHD)

To identify possible ADHD, parents should also watch for the child or adolescent not being cognizant of their actions, disorganization, a lack of focus, disruptive behavior, and becoming easily bored. The most significant symptom of attention-deficit hyperactivity, in my opinion, is a lack of impulse control. This can manifest as engaging in behavior that seems obviously (to everyone else, anyway) inappropriate. When an adolescent is asked, “Why did you do that?” the answer is often, “I don’t know” or “I wanted to.” In my work with adolescents diagnosed with ADHD, the ability to think through the consequences of a given behavior is often not present. I have worked with adolescents who had ideas that were quite brilliant; people diagnosed with ADHD are often extremely bright and creative. However, when they attempt to execute those ideas, the consequences of not asking permission or crossing boundaries are typically not considered.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders may include bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, and body dysmorphia. Typically, adolescents with eating disorders aren’t just dieting and exercising to maintain weight. Bulimia is defined as binging and purging to avoid calories being consumed and potential weight gain. Anorexia manifests as eating significantly small amounts of food or no food at all, which can be extremely dangerous or even fatal. Symptoms to watch for are dissatisfaction with the way the adolescent looks, sudden and/or extreme weight loss, going to the bathroom right after eating, fear of weight gain, and a frail or thin appearance.

What to Do If You Suspect Your Child Has a Mental Health Issue

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible. Depending on the diagnosis and the severity of the issue, treatment may include cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, and/or medication.

Prompt treatment can prevent a plethora of future problems for adolescents transitioning into adulthood. Adolescents often feel ashamed or embarrassed about their feelings or concerns and thus don’t reveal them. As a parent, that’s where you come in. The fallout for adolescents not receiving appropriate treatment may include low self-esteem, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide, and can impact various areas of their lives, such as academic performance, work performance, friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships.

Identifying mental health issues in adolescents can be complicated because it can be hard to delineate potential problems from normal mood and behavioral fluctuations. The key is the severity and duration of the behavior and to what degree it is getting in the way of the adolescent’s ability to function. Behavior that indicates a possible mental health issue is present will typically increase in severity, duration, and disruption in the life of the adolescent over time.

Many young adults have chosen, especially in recent years, to embark on what is known as a gap year. It has become more common for students to take a year off between high school and college. Malia Obama, for example, drew attention when she chose to defer her enrollment to Harvard. This decision helped publicize the mental health benefits that can result from taking a gap year.

College can be a risky environment for the development of mental health conditions. Many students in a post-secondary environment may experience symptoms of a mental health condition, and the American Psychological Association (APA) refers to the situation as a “growing crisis.”

In 2010, more than 45% of students involved in an American College Health Association survey reported feelings of hopelessness. The same year, a poll of college counselors found they considered about 44% of students to have severe psychological issues (up from just 16% in 2000).

[fat_widget_right]The gap year has been shown to reduce the likelihood of developing many of the symptoms that are most prevalent among college students, such as depression, alcohol abuse, disordered eating, and anxiety. These are not new findings. In fact, Harvard instituted a policy more than 15 years ago recommending that incoming undergraduates take a year off after high school, specifically to prevent psychological burnout. Since then, compelling evidence for the benefits of a gap year has only grown.

Coping with Transition After High School

Students in grade school often face academic pressures. Grades, careers, social lives, relationships, and other matters can contribute to the already significant stress of growing up. As a result, students may be especially susceptible to mental health issues with the added stress and pressure of college. Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.

According to the American Gap Association (AGA), 92% of students who choose to take a gap year say their intentions are to add life skills and experience personal growth. Studies of returning gap year students have found they demonstrate significantly higher gains in these areas, when compared to those who did not take the break. Participants specifically identified being in a new, non-academic environment as the most meaningful part of the experience.

[amazon_affiliate]As discussed in There Is Life After College by University of Arizona professor Jeffrey Selingo, a new, “real world” setting brings with it new challenges, often forcing people to find new ways to deal with situations they would not typically be exposed to as students. Selingo helps parents, higher-education leaders, and young adults understand how to succeed in school to better navigate the current job market.

In the not-too-distant past, a college education would have almost guaranteed a lifetime of employment. Students today face a different reality; even graduate degrees may not include the promise of economic success, and job stability is becoming more uncommon. Selingo suggests there is abundant potential for making personal developments through the transitional experiences associated with taking a gap year, and these gains may be responsible for inspiring better adaptive behaviors in the future.

A Gap Year’s Impact on Motivation

Many parents and teachers worry that time away from a structured educational environment might leave students with less motivation to continue their academic careers. Research shows gap years do have a connection to decreased motivation, but the results of this lowered motivation may be positive. Motivation is directly connected to psychological well-being through the neurotransmitter dopamine (among other things), so this fundamental change may be one of the mechanisms through which the gap year helps to safeguard mental health.

Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.A study by University of Sydney professor Andrew Martin measured academic motivations in Australian students before and after taking a gap year. Low academic performance and motivation in high school were both found to be associated with a higher likelihood of taking a gap year, but high motivation and the development of adaptive behaviors in college were correlated with gap year participation.

These results may suggest time away from school provides an opportunity for students to mature in a variety of productive ways. This coincides with previous research that identifies the time spent during a gap year as a facilitator of cross-cultural learning and evaluations of personal values.

Gap years have consistently been found to be associated with mental health benefits for more than 15 years. They may facilitate positive effects, such as aiding in stress reduction, enabling motivational changes, and accelerating the adoption of adaptive behaviors. Many gap year students exhibit gains in confidence, sense of identity, and self-esteem that can last well after the conclusion of their academic careers. The practice is likely to become even more popular as such findings become more well known, and as educational institutions continue to promote its usefulness for students transitioning into college.

References:

1. American Gap Association (2015). Gap year data and benefits. Retrieved from http://www.americangap.org/data-benefits.php
2. American Psychological Association (n. d.) The state of mental health on college campuses: A growing crisis. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/about/gr/education/news/2011/college-campuses.aspx
3. Crawford, C., & Cribb, J. (2012). Gap year takers: uptake, trends and long term outcomes. Institute for Fiscal Studies through the Centre for Analysis of Youth Transitions (CAYT). London, UK: Department for Education. Retrieved from https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/219637/DFE-RR252.pdf
4. Dell’Antonia, K. J. (2016, April 19). Gap year may have benefits long after college. Retrieved from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/04/19/gap-year-may-have-benefits-long-after-college/?ref=health&_r=1
5. Harvard College (2011). Should I take time off? Retrieved from https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/preparing-college/should-i-take-time
6. Martin, A. J. (2010). Should students have a gap year? Motivation and performance factors relevant to time out after completing school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 102(3), 561. Retrieved from http://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ892653
7. McPhate, M. (2016, May 2). Malia Obama’s ‘gap year’ is part of a growing (and expensive) trend. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/03/us/malia-obamas-gap-year-is-part-of-a-growing-and-expensive-trend.html?_r=0
8. Selingo, J. (2016). There Is Life After College. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
9. Sparks, S. D. (2010, September 15). Research suggests a ‘gap year’ motivates students. Retrieved from http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2010/09/15/04gap.h30.html

Older adults may be better than young people at correcting mistakes, according to a study published in Psychological Science. The research contradicts common stereotypes about learning, including the notion that older people are less able to learn than young people.

Does Age Aid Learning?

Researchers wanted to look at both brain activity measures and behavioral components of learning. They recruited 44 young adults around age 24 and 45 older adults around age 74. None of the participants had a history of neurological or psychiatric issues.

Researchers fitted the participants with an electroencephalogram (EEG) cap, then presented them with a series of general knowledge questions (for example, “Which ancient city was home to the Hanging Gardens?”). The investigators encouraged participants to guess when they were unsure, but saying “I don’t know” was also an option. Each participant rated their confidence in each answer on a 7-point scale. Researchers then gave them the correct answer while measuring brain activity.

The trial continued until each participant had made at least 40 errors—20 on high-confidence answers and 20 on low-confidence answers. Older adults needed an average of 244 questions to reach this threshold, while younger adults needed about 230.

In a second trial, researchers removed the EEG cap and retested the participants by asking them 20 questions that produced high-confidence errors, 20 questions that produced low-confidence errors, and 20 unanswered questions.

[fat_widget_right]Older adults got 41% of the questions correct, and younger adults answered 26% correctly. Both groups reported greater confidence in the answers they got right, but older adults reported higher overall confidence in their answers. Older adults also corrected more of their errors in the second trial, suggesting the older age group may be more likely to learn from previous mistakes.

Age, Learning, and the Brain

EEG results showed larger quantities of a P3a component—a brain wave associated with attentive processing—for both age groups when receiving feedback on high-confidence errors compared to low-confidence errors. When receiving feedback on low-confidence errors, older adults produced larger P3a relative to their younger counterparts.

The research team says these findings suggest younger and older adults may display different attention patterns, but older adults may focus more on correcting mistakes. Older adults may also be less susceptible to the hypercorrection effect—a previous finding that says high-confidence errors are more likely to be corrected than low-confidence errors.

In total, older adults corrected more of their mistakes than younger adults, suggesting they may be more adept at updating their existing knowledge with new information than the stereotype about older adults’ cognitive abilities implies.

References:

1. Older beats younger when it comes to correcting mistakes. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/older-beats-younger-when-it-comes-to-correcting-mistakes.html
2. Older people better at correcting their mistakes. (2015, October 29). Retrieved from http://www.ndtv.com/world-news/older-people-better-at-correcting-their-mistakes-1237735

Becoming an adult is rife with both uncertainty and adventure. The concept of being an adult is always in flux, and these days it’s hard to tell when adulthood is upon you. Culture, religion, socioeconomic status, and family situations may all impact and blur the lines between childhood and adulthood. No one sends you a complimentary toaster to let you know you have “joined the club,” and for many people, there is no one experience that affirms the acquisition of adult status.

In truth, adulthood is a process, not just a state you wake up in one day. For those of you who are just leaving behind adolescence, you probably bring a host of assumptions to this process that may or may not ease the transition into this new phase of life.

1. If I don’t feel like an adult, I must not be one.

Employment, paying the bills, driving, having a child—while all of these responsibilities are significant milestones, you might still have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not quite there. In reality, adulthood isn’t just about a set of responsibilities or accomplishments. Rather, it is more of a conscious effort to be aware of your strengths and challenges and a dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. It is accepting that you will falter, but that you owe it to yourself to keep going.

2. I can’t have a life if I become an adult.

[fat_widget_right] Perhaps you fear that if you get a “real job” or “settle down” you will have to give up your passions or having fun. These days, you can design your own idea of what it means to be an adult. You can identify the values and priorities you want to commit to and create a life based on those. They might be informed by past experience and important people in your life, or you might have a belief system that offers you guiding principles. Either way, take stock of what is important to you and build your version of adulthood around that.

3. I have to be in a relationship to be happy.

Sharing your life with someone can offer an additional layer of security and support that may improve your sense of well-being. But relationships—just like any important decision—should be entered into wisely. Gauge your emotional readiness to be a partner. If you are not ready to commit wholeheartedly, this does not make you less of an adult; in fact, it takes great maturity to be honest with yourself about your ability or willingness to balance relationship needs with your own. You also need to be aware of your intentions when you begin a relationship. Ask yourself if you are looking for your partner to make you happy, diminish your loneliness, or bolster your ego. None of these will lead to healthy, adult relationships. On the other hand, if you understand that you are solely responsible for developing into a whole independent human being, you might be ready to share your life with another.

4. I’ll know I’m an adult when I have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. Don’t wait for a magical day in the future when it will all make sense. Open yourself up to the rich and fulfilling experience of learning along the way.

5. I need to have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. You might worry that you must have a concrete plan in order to be a successful adult. You feel that lacking direction means you are failing at the adult game. Setting goals for yourself can be a valuable tool for making decisions and giving you a sense of security; however, life will offer detours in the form of unexpected opportunities and unfortunate obstacles. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty and how to adapt to changing situations is a big part of being an adult. And if you’re worried that you’re stuck in whatever plan you’ve made because nothing is going your way, remember that you can change your mind. You’re the architect of your path, so you can change it.

Adulthood involves growth, acceptance, and openness, and its meaning will transform as you develop new skills, form new relationships, and indulge in new experiences. Enjoy the impermanence and be present in every vital moment!

Often, I meet a mom who is on the verge of tears describing how her teen hates her. She can’t understand it, and she wants her baby back. The teen looks on sullenly, once again exasperated by a parent who just doesn’t understand.

As a nonparent but a therapist for many kids, teens, and families, I can easily understand what this teen is going through. I remember it well. I hated my mom, too, and she was a sobbing mess due to my abrupt withdrawal. All I wanted was independence and for her to get off my back. Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.

The preteen and teen years are filled with intense emotions and conflict. Historically, this change has been attributed to hormones, which is certainly a large part of it. Through our entire adult lives, we wrestle with hormones surging in our bodies, but after our teenage years we have developed enough to manage most of the residual emotions. Teens, on the other hand, have not. They feel so many different and new things, and they don’t always have the ability to slow down their reactions.

Educate Yourself

[fat_widget_right]Learn more about what your teen is going through and try to develop an objective lens through which to look. This may help you make meaning of some of the wilder behavior your teenager exhibits. It won’t buffer the sting of hateful comments, but understanding where they come from may help you think rationally about it all and not question every parenting move you make. Read books, articles, and websites about teen development. An informative, easy-to-read book I recommend is The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Dr. Frances E. Jensen.

Remain Calm

When the situation is tense, take three deep breaths before responding to your teen. Don’t respond impulsively, as doing so may fuel the fire and create a bigger rift in your relationship. Attempt to process your emotions with another adult if you need to, and present yourself as calm, cool, and collected when approaching your teen. When this is not possible, try your best not to engage in an argument and instead walk away. If you are losing your cool or crying, your message may not be as effective and may further contribute to your teen’s negative perception of you.

See It from Their Perspective

It may not be sensible to you, but there is usually some merit to your teen’s argument. Validate it. Let them know that you get it, and you want them to be happy.

Guide Them

Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.Almost all teens need some major guidance. Many lack the ability to think far ahead and weigh all the consequences of their choices. Part of your job as a parent is to control impulses. Your teen may rail against you, but don’t give up! Letting your teen run wild will help neither you nor your teen. Teens can be harsh, hurtful, and even intimidating to their parents, but you are the adult in the relationship and it’s your job—not your teen’s—to stand strong and maintain boundaries.

Stay Strong

Forget the messy rooms, don’t worry so much about the heavy eyeliner, and simply focus on safety and love. You love your teen because they were once your baby, and even though they can seem cold, moody, and sometimes downright mean, your teen loves you underneath it all and they do NEED you.

A WebMD study of stress in parents and children suggests many parents may not notice signs of stress in their children. When parents do recognize their children’s stress, they often misattribute the stress to schoolwork challenges, even when the cause of the stress is closer to home.

Do Parents Recognize Their Children’s Stress?

WebMD’s 2015 Stress in Children Consumer Survey collected data from June 1 to July 31, surveying a total of 432 parents of children aged 5 to 13. The survey showed high levels of stress among parents, who rated their stress on a scale of 1 to 10. Fifty-seven percent reported their stress at a 7 or higher, and almost 1 in 5 parents said their stress was a 10.

Even though these parents reported high levels of stress, most did not think their kids were stressed. In fact, 60% percent of parents ranked their children’s stress at a 4 or lower.

To analyze children’s stress levels, the survey asked about behaviors associated with stress, such as arguing, crying, anxiety, and headaches. Seventy-two percent of parents reported their children had at least one symptom associated with stress during the last 12 months. Forty-four percent of children complained of headaches or stomachaches, and 38% said they experienced frequent nightmares or insomnia. Forty-three percent of parents said their children argued more than usual, and 37% reported an increase in crying or whining. These findings suggest that parents notice symptoms of stress in their children but may not attribute these symptoms to stress.

Why Are Kids So Stressed?

The array of stress-related symptoms reported by most children in the study indicate that kids often struggle with stress, even if their parents do not correctly identify their symptoms.

[fat_widget_right]When asked about the sources of their children’s stress, most parents (53%) said schoolwork and homework were key factors, and 51% said their children’s friends caused stress. Yet 60% of survey respondents reported a stressful family event—such as a divorce, job loss, or death in the family—in the last year. This suggests much of children’s stress may stem from difficulties at home.

Bullying may also play a role in children’s stress levels. Thirty-eight percent of parents reported that their children experienced bullying, with 51% of those parents placing their children’s stress levels between 8 and 10.

The American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey may help illuminate some causes of stress among older youth. During the school year, teens often report higher stress levels than adults, though 54% of teens say stress has little or no impact on their physical health, compared to 39% of adults.

Helping Stressed Youth

Therapy can help kids better manage their stress, and some of those coping with conditions such as anxiety or depression may also obtain benefit from medication or extensive lifestyle changes. Overload can affect a child’s overall well-being, so the American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to intervene if they observe one or more of the following in their children:

• Frequent physical symptoms, such as stomach pain or headaches
• Fatigue, restlessness, or agitation
• A depressed or low mood, irritability, or negativity
• A loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Difficulty communicating about negative feelings
• Changes in grades
• Behavior problems such as stealing, lying, or neglecting family responsibilities
• Changes in a child’s level of dependency; some stressed kids regress, becoming more dependent on their parents

References:

1. American Psychological Association survey shows teen stress rivals that of adults. (2014, February 11). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/02/teen-stress.aspx
2. Shaw, G. (2015, August 17). WebMD survey: Parents don’t see kids’ stress signs. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/children/news/20150817/stress-survey
3. Signs of overload. (2015, August 20). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Signs-of-Overload.aspx

Nearly 100,000 children in the United States are incarcerated, with nearly 3,000 of them facing life in prison. On any given day, about 10,000 youth are incarcerated in adult jails. According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, a high number of incarcerated children have serious mental health issues. This suggests that many American youth may not have received adequate mental health treatment prior to being incarcerated.

Children, Jail, and Mental Health Issues

To explore the correlation between mental issues and incarceration, Stanford University School of Medicine researchers analyzed the hospitalizations of nearly two million California teenagers. Among incarcerated teens, psychiatric hospitalizations accounted for 63% of hospital stays, compared to just 19% among teens not in jail. Girls saw even higher rates of psychiatric hospitalizations, with psychiatric hospitalizations accounting for 74% of all hospitalizations among teen girls.

[fat_widget_right]Incarcerated teens also spent longer in psychiatric hospitals, which implies that the mental health issues they face may be of greater severity. Among both incarcerated teens and those not in jail, however, though, the most common mental health issues were the same: substance abuse, depression, and conduct issues.

Many incarcerated teens, the research team reports, experience mental health issues because of traumatic or abusive events in childhood, such as sexual abuse or exposure to domestic violence.

Jail Can Worsen Mental Health Problems

Though jails and prisons are increasingly becoming home to a greater number of children with mental health issues, these facilities are far from ideal treatment. Correctional facilities are often abusive environments. A 2012 investigation, for instance, uncovered rampant unprovoked violence by guards against teen inmates, and a lawsuit accused seven guards at the prison of raping inmates. Children who serve their sentences in adult facilities are five times more likely to be sexually assaulted than those in juvenile facilities, and they also have a greater risk of suicide.

Threats of violence, lack of access to loved ones and support systems, rape and sexual assault, and isolation can all compound mental health issues among incarcerated children—most of whom are eventually released. According to the National Center for Youth in Poverty, 95% of children and teens who are arrested serve time for nonviolent offenses. When they are released, they may experience more difficulty readjusting to society than those without mental health issues.

Mental health care services in jails and prisons range from inadequate to nonexistent. Families may experience significant difficulty finding adequate access to mental health care for their children, and in many cases they may be unable to do so. Comprehensive treatment that includes therapy, lifestyle changes, and family support is largely absent from jails and prisons.

Many professionals in the field of adolescent mental health argue that early treatment of mental health concerns may help prevent some youth from committing crimes in the first place and that comprehensive mental health care for children who are incarcerated is likely to reduce recidivism rates.

References:

1. Children in adult jails. (2015, March 28). Retrieved from http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21647347-treating-young-offenders-grown-ups-makes-little-sense-children-adult-jails
2. Children in prison. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.eji.org/childrenprison
3. Dienst, J. (2015, May 20). 7 Rikers guards raped inmates, lawsuit alleges. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Rikers-Island-Female-Inmates-Lawsuit-Rape-Sexual-Abuse-Correction-Officers-304332321.html
4. Gottesman, D., & Schwartz, S. W. (2011, July). Juvenile justice in the U.S. Retrieved from http://www.nccp.org/publications/pub_1038.html
5. Preidt, R. (2015, July 21). Mental illness afflicts many juveniles in jail. Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2015/07/21/mental-illness-afflicts-many-juveniles-in-jail

Megan doesn’t want her daughter to be a theater major in college. Tim doesn’t think his son’s about-to-be fiancée is right for him. Samantha doesn’t want her son to join the Peace Corps. Each of these parents struggles with if and/or how to express their strongly felt feelings and opinions to their children. Each believes that there would be disastrous consequences if their child followed through with their choice.

Parents who are troubled and conflicted about what they see as the life choices their adult children are making describe experiencing a wide range of intolerable feelings. Typically feeling desperate, the initial question they present to me is, “How can I get my child to do what I know is best?” When I respond, I try to get them to consider my question: “Best for whom?” Surprised, they usually look at me as if there can only be the obvious answer: “best for my child.” But if I can help them consider how it is also best for them, they may ultimately have a fuller sense of what is driving their strong need to influence their child. It may also help them moderate their intense and frequently painful feelings. They will then be in a better position to choose how or if they should try and persuade their child to see it their way.

I am going to describe some work I did with Megan, who responded “best for my daughter” to my usual question.

Megan was open to exploring both why she thought it was best for her daughter and also why it might be best for her. She described how worried she was that her daughter, Annie, would never make it in theater: “She is going to suffer all the pain and humiliation of failure. I’m really frightened that she’ll never be able to make a living. She could end up living a terribly depressed and deprived life.”

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As Megan and I talked about her worries, she acknowledged that she would be relieved if Megan didn’t become a theater arts major. She recognized that she was very frightened. If she could influence Annie, her suffering would diminish and she would feel much less anxious and troubled.

As we explored Megan’s feelings, it was clear that while she understood that she wanted to get rid of her anxiety by persuading Annie to listen to her, she had complete certainty that her daughter’s life would be ruined: “She says she gets it, but I don’t really think she has thought about what it will be like to fail, to not be able to support herself after college.” This has created a serious conflict between mother and daughter. Megan was so sure it would be a disastrous decision that she wasn’t willing to pay Annie’s college tuition.

Megan and I did a lot of talking about her relationship with Annie. Megan was surprised at how much Annie was pushing back: “She’s always listened to me. She never fought with me about anything. We’ve had very few disagreements. I remember when I told her that I thought her friend Jordy, who I never liked, was a bad influence. She didn’t argue and just stopped hanging out with her. She took tennis lessons and talked about how much she liked the game. But I could see that she was pretty bad at it and she never objected when I suggested it wasn’t her thing. I don’t know, she’s always seemed fine with my ideas about what was good for her and what wasn’t.”

The more I learned about Megan and Annie’s relationship, the more it seemed that historically there was a dynamic where Megan exerted a great deal of influence and Annie complied. I wondered if there was some significance in Annie turning 18 and planning to go away to school that created a shift in this pattern. Annie was behaving in a more separate way from Megan. She was expressing more of an individuated self. Perhaps Annie’s new attempt at separation and individuation was something Megan was finding difficult.

As we continued our work, Megan began to consider that she was having trouble separating from Annie. One day in our session she began to cry: “You know, I suppose it’s always been about separation. I thought if she did what I wanted, followed my life plan for her, didn’t have conflict with me, we would always be Mommy and Annie. But she is growing up and she isn’t just like me. Maybe she is tougher than me. I get scared about risks. I suppose it might not be so terrible if she was less scared, more able to risk failure. I don’t know. The thing is, I don’t like her choice. I think it’s wrong. I don’t want to help her to do it.”

Megan’s tearful statement captures her intense conflict. Her strong need to stop Annie from becoming a theater arts major may not just be about her intense belief that it is a choice that would be harmful to Annie. The surprising pushback from Annie may have strengthened Megan’s feelings that the theatre choice is a bad one.

Megan has reported that Annie has become very angry with her and has told her that she is going to find a way to pay her own tuition. Megan, in disbelief, told me: “This is so not like her. She says I can’t stop her from doing what she wants for herself. She screamed at me, ‘I’m not going to let you make me doubt myself or make me feel guilty for choosing what I want instead of what you want.’ I can’t believe this is my daughter talking to me.”

Megan is feeling hurt and rejected by Annie. Until now, Annie had not had her own voice in their relationship, and it is difficult for Megan to see Annie’s assertion of herself as a positive behavior in service of the developmental tasks of separation and individuation. As we have been exploring her conflict, I have asked Megan to think about her impact on Annie. Megan has been so angry and scared about Annie’s choice that she hadn’t stopped to think what it would feel like for Annie to be unsupported: “I guess she could feel like I don’t believe in her talent or that she doesn’t have what it takes to succeed. But maybe she’ll think she has a mother who is trying to make sure she doesn’t do something ruinous.”

Megan and Annie’s struggles are representative of parent-child conflicts where parent and child feel strongly about influencing and being influenced. These conflicts are often not simply about the manifest issues at hand. Rather, both parent and child are responding to the indirect messages in the communications. To deal with these conflicts, it is important for parents and children to learn how to express the impact each is having on the other.

Parents may feel they are being protective parents who are taking good care of their children when they insist their adult child do it their way. They can feel angry, hurt, or confused by their child’s responses to their concerns. Adult children frequently report feeling intruded upon, infantilized, and/or controlled when parents attempt to have the final say in their life decisions. These children may begin to doubt themselves and can become anxious about failure. Or, they may become angry and recognize they are being deprived of learning how to become resilient and deal with failure. Many express that their self-confidence is being undermined.

When parents try to influence their children, it is important for everyone to decode what messages are being communicated and whether the intended communication is what is being heard. While parents may believe they are expressing “I love you and want to protect you,” or, “I am thinking about what is best for you,” their child may be hearing, “you don’t have what it takes to do that,” or, “you don’t know how to take care of yourself in risky situations,” or, “you are going to fail and not recover.” When the child rejects the parents’ influence, parents may hear the child’s response as, “I don’t love you”, “you don’t know me,” or, “I want to get away from you.”

Megan is working on taking Annie’s angry outbursts less personally and is trying to be more aware of the benefits for Annie in being supported by her. For now, Megan’s goal is to get comfortable with the idea of having a dialogue where she is open to hearing what Annie has to say about what she wants with the hope that Annie will be more willing to consider the risks and potential harm that could result from her choice of major. Megan also wants to try to have a conversation with Annie about their relationship and what it is like for both of them to deal with Annie’s separating and individuating.

As Megan has discovered, parents and their adult children who are struggling about whose version of the adult child’s life will prevail need to find a way to talk, listen, and hear each other. If they can accomplish this, they will be in a better position to benefit from the other’s views and have a better chance of accepting each other’s differing points of view without feeling dismissed and devalued. While this doesn’t mean they will agree, the unwanted and painful feelings that are generated in the struggle can become more tolerable, and the relationship will be stronger.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.