Couple holding hands on stone stairsIt is love or is it lust? Many have asked this question at some point, struggling to make a distinction between the two. According to recent science, the answer lies in the eyes.

“The eyes are the windows to the soul” is a popular phrase, and science has revealed the truth of this poetic line. Researchers have found eye movement alone can distinguish the feelings of love from lust.

Love or Lust: The Eyes Tell All

During a study by University of Chicago researchers, participants’ eye patterns were monitored while looking at a stranger’s photo. According to the results, a person who sees someone as a potential romantic partner would look at the person’s face, whereas a person who is feeling lust or sexual desire is more likely to look at the person’s body.

Other scientific studies have shown the brain regions involved in feelings of love are different from those involved in feelings of lust. Eye movement data proved different eye movements occur when a person views a photo of romantic love, such as a picture of a couple holding hands, versus a photo of an attractive person.

The Neurophysiology of Love and Lust

[fat_widget_right]Though love and lust are interrelated, they are coordinated by different emotional systems and neural processes in the brain. Lust is ruled by the sex drive, which is processed in the endocrine and reproductive system, driven by testosterone and estrogen.

Physical attraction plays a role in feelings of lust and falling in love. Attraction is driven by the reproductive instinct and is subject to hormonal reactions as well as the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine.

After someone has fallen in passionate love, the initial excitement and passion may fade over time as the dopamine levels associated with novelty begin to level out. At this point, the love may grow into companionate love. This type of love is associated with bonding hormones, such as oxytocin and vasopressin.

Distinguishing Between Lust and Love

Although science indicates love and lust are distinct even on a physiological and neurological level, it may not make distinguishing between the two any easier for those under the charms of lust and romantic love. Differentiating between the two can be a challenge, as the feelings often occur simultaneously and both have the ability to cloud judgment. So how can you tell the difference?

Lust is purely physical attraction. It is an altered state of consciousness biologically driven by the instinct to procreate. It can be incredibly powerful and can at times surpass logic and reason. Lust is initiated by pheromones, chemicals secreted in sweat that reveal information about genetics and influence behavior. When you experience physical attraction and sexual desire for another, it is the result of bodily awareness of a good genetic match for creating offspring. Lust knows nothing about long-term compatibility or companionship.

Love is also an attraction, but it goes beyond a physiological impulse. Love is not immediate; rather, it grows over time. When you meet someone you fall in love with, it may start out as lust and grow into infatuation, which is what we commonly associate with romantic love.

Love is also an attraction, but it goes beyond a physiological impulse. Love is not immediate, but rather grows over time.When you become infatuated with another, you may begin to see through rose-colored glasses, putting the person on a pedestal and ignoring any flaws. Infatuation can become obsessive, leading someone to experience the “can’t eat, can’t sleep” phenomenon often associated with falling in love.

Scientific studies have shown the brain in love looks a lot like the brain on cocaine, with high dopamine levels and lowered serotonin. Eventually, the exciting feelings fade as the novelty of the relationship wears off and you are no longer under the lover’s haze. It is often at this stage when people begin to see their partner clearly without projections, and flaws start to become apparent. Lovers either realize they are not compatible and part shortly after infatuation fades or they commit to the relationship and develop companionate love for one another.

Lust and infatuation require little commitment or effort, whereas love generally requires a high degree of both. A successful loving relationship requires honesty, communication, compassion, respect, and trust. Love is most often built on a strong mutual foundation. Love usually involves personal sacrifice. When you’re in love, you shift from “me-thinking” to “we-thinking.” It is the willingness to consider another’s well-being in the same way you would your own.

References:

  1. Blair, L. (2010, July 14). Mistaking lust for love. The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/14/mistaking-lust-for-love
  2. Fisher, H. E. (2000, January 1). Brains do it: Lust, Attraction, and Attachment. The Dana Foundation. Retrieved from http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39351
  3. Ingmire, J. (2014, July 17). Eye movements reveal difference between love and lust. UChicago News. Retrieved from http://news.uchicago.edu/article/2014/07/17/eye-movements-reveal-difference-between-love-and-lust
  4. Lahat, I. (2014, July 9). The Brain Looks the Same When We’re in Love or High on Cocaine. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/the-brain-looks-the-same-high-on-love-or-cocaine-2014-7

Couple sitting apart on bed at nightSexually compulsive behavior is easy to joke about. We’ve seen an endless array of politicians and celebrities claim they’re “sex addicts.” Some of them legitimately are addicted to sex, while others seem to be using this as an excuse for their behavior. It makes some question if these people (mostly men) simply are letting their high libidos take over. Is this a legitimate issue?

Yes.

As a sex therapist and sex addiction therapist, I find many people have little understanding about this serious issue. Sex addiction can decimate relationships that appear happy. It can create a level of disconnection that is difficult to recover from. And the betrayal and trauma associated with this can be extremely challenging to overcome.

When people ask what I do, I get a variety of responses. One of the most common replies I get is, “I wish I was a sex addict.” I have to maintain my composure when I hear this. I want to admonish this ignorant and sarcastic commentary with a heavy dose of reality. There’s nothing admirable or desirable about addictive sexual behavior. I typically refrain from responding with a harsh tone, remembering the idea of “being addicted to sex” can appear like nothing more than a high sex drive. However, sex addiction is more complicated than having a high libido.

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Sex addiction isn’t about having a lot of sex. Although some people addicted to sex do have many sexual encounters, many have the opposite. They struggle with finding sex that is pleasurable or satisfying. Some avoid certain sexual behaviors, only to obsessively engage in another type of behavior. Others have a subconscious desire to connect, but fear the vulnerability of such connection.

Overall, relationships, trust, and intimacy become imbalanced. Sadly, this imbalance is often disguised under the typical chaos of work and family life, until it becomes undeniably traumatic.

What can make this even worse is that this behavior is often buried under a series of secrets and lies. Many partners of people addicted to sex are completely blindsided by a discovery of a series of behaviors. This is often a crushing blow to the partner, and a shaming experience for the one who is out of control. Families can be torn apart by this.

Many who are dealing with sex addiction also describe their lives as quite lonely. The sex isn’t necessarily fun or even enjoyable. They love their families and they hate that they’re lying to them. They just don’t know a way out.

Many who are dealing with sex addiction also describe their lives as quite lonely. The sex isn’t necessarily fun or even enjoyable. They love their families and hate that they’re lying to them. They just don’t know a way out.

Week after week, I hear the painful stories of people whose sexual behavior is out of control. Whether it’s a personal story or a story about their relationships, the pain caused by sex addiction is no laughing matter. This is why I puff up with frustration when people make light of or oversimplify what sexual addiction is. It’s not easy to treat or process through. And when it’s made out to be a silly punch line, it can increase the shame for those who are struggling with this issue.

Sex addiction is numbing behavior that takes on another level of compulsivity. All of us numb to some extent. Numbing is a minor level of dissociation. However, people addicted to sex take this numbing to a whole different level of disconnection. This can become so prevalent that work and relationships can be at risk.

For those dealing with this serious issue, support groups, such as 12-step groups, can help. However, they often need another layer of support. Therapy can help with building solid plans for recovery in a way that helps people stay in alignment with their values system. It can help people with sex addiction grow so they can reduce their levels of shame, reconnect with their families, and reach life goals.

Couple with foreheads touching sitting on bedResults from a study of people in Québec published in the Journal of Sex Research undermine a number of widespread beliefs about sexuality, including the preconceived notions that sexual fetishes are uncommon and women are less interested in sex than men.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) lists eight paraphilic, or abnormal, interests. To qualify for a diagnosis these sexual behaviors must reach a point where they cause some distress, but according to the DSM-5, these behaviors are unusual or atypical. The study undermines this claim, providing evidence that at least four paraphilic interests may actually be common in Québec.

Are ‘Unusual’ Sexual Interests Common?

Researchers Christian Joyal and Julie Carpentier, from the Institut Philippe-Pinel de Montréal and the Institut universitaire en santé mentale de Montréal, conducted phone and online surveys of 1,040 Québec residents. The participants were representative of the general population and answered a number of questions about their sexual interests and preferences.

About half (45.6%) of participants were interested in at least one “anomalous” sexual behavior, and 33% had participated in the behavior at least once. Among respondents, voyeurism (35%), sexual fetishism (26%), frotteurism (26%), and masochism (19%) were found to be common desires or experiences.

[fat_widget_sex_right]Male respondents were more interested in paraphilic behaviors than female respondents, but women who reported an interest in sexual submission or masochism had more varied sexual interests. They also reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction. The researchers found an interest in sexual submission was correlated with an overall increase in other sexual interests.

What Is ‘Normal’ Sexuality?

The study’s authors caution that mental health professionals must know what constitutes normal sexual behavior before labeling certain behaviors as deviant or unusual. They also highlight the difference between sexual paraphilic disorders—which involve partners who do not consent or sexual acts that trouble the person with the paraphilia—and paraphilic behavior.

A paraphilia is a sexual behavior that may be necessary for sexual satisfaction. For example, a person with a submission paraphilia might not be interested in sex that does not involve sexual submission. Paraphilic behavior, by contrast, is not necessary for sexual satisfaction. People with paraphilic behaviors may only engage in the “unusual” behavior from time to time and may have a wide range of other sexual interests.

The results can’t be broadly applied to Americans or Europeans, because the team only studied people from Québec. They believe future research will likely find similar results among other populations.

References:

  1. Joyal, C. C., & Carpentier, J. (2016). The prevalence of paraphilic interests and behaviors in the general population: A provincial survey. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-11. doi:10.1080/00224499.2016.1139034
  2. Paraphilic disorders [PDF]. (2013). Arlington: American Psychiatric Publishing.
  3. Quebeckers’ sexual tastes and interests: A new study debunks preconceived notions. (2016, March 9). Retrieved from http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-03/uom-qst030816.php

Thank you for your question, which took bravery on your part, I’m sure. I think I get the “I’m a little afraid of your answer” part, as I’m sensing some shame or self-doubt just below the surface of your question—as in, “Am I some kind of freak or something?” I really don’t believe any human phenomenon is freakish once we look close or long enough at the entire context of a person’s life experience. More information would be useful, but it’s possible you’re expressing some aspect of your self-experience from your past. Very often, pain or desire we somehow can’t express or articulate is often “acted out” in various parts of our lives.

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In other words, don’t punish yourself or worry about being “abnormal.” Our sexual preferences come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, varieties, and intensities. There’s a reason Fifty Shades of Grey was wildly successful; submitting to another’s will can be exciting, and even “vanilla” sex is often tinged with a mingling of the tender and the violent. Many men and women love to be spanked, bit, tickled, squeezed, and pinched in all manner of ways, both pleasurable and painful. Even the phrase “penetration” is double-edged, as it suggests both union and intrusion. Many sexual slang words contain this strange combination of eroticism and violence. The line between pain and pleasure, as you may know, is often razor thin if it exists at all in the inscrutable, unconscious potpourri that constitutes human sexuality. (Curiosity of which spurred the foundation of psychology itself.)

There is a hint of a conflict in your question, in that part of you is enjoying these activities, while part of you seems to stand outside and wonder if this is all kosher. I would therefore encourage you to become curious about all this—what it might mean to you emotionally in terms of what it expresses about you and what is so rewarding about it—rather than judge or scold yourself. With practice (such as meditation or quiet reflection), or with the help of a therapist, one can learn to neutrally investigate one’s own desires, fears, sexual preferences, and so forth. Judgment keeps blame in place, while curiosity and self-acceptance can nurture a freer commingling of the wakefulness, unconscious fantasies, and wishes that manifest in sexuality.

Because of the limited information in your question about yourself (understandable), I’m going to guess there are two main concerns about your apparently “unusual” (but actually fairly common) attraction to BDSM. (For readers unfamiliar with this blended acronym, it stands for Bondage & Discipline/Domination & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.) As with so many behaviors, in sex—as I implied above—a person is often divided (loosely) into one who participates and one who observes. Here, your “participant” is having a good time, it sounds like, while the observer is stroking her chin, a bit skeptical, on the horns of some kind of dilemma. And yet this very dividedness may indicate you, at earlier points in your life, had to separate yourself or compartmentalize the desires and wishes that are “contained” or bound in BDSM activity.

Is it that you’re worried your preferences will turn off other people? I wonder if you fear judgment or disapproval or worry that if others do not understand or do not line up with your choices, you might end up alone—or, worse, judged or shamed and also alone, a punishment that is far from pleasurable or exciting.

Is it that you’re worried your preferences will turn off other people? I wonder if you are fearing judgment or disapproval, or have anxiety that if others do not understand or do not line up with your choices, you might end up alone—or, worse, judged or shamed and also alone, a punishment that is far from pleasurable or exciting.

In working with members of the BDSM community, I have found that S&M play both constricts and liberates the person simultaneously, whether one is the S or the M. Many otherwise mild-mannered, even shy people enjoy finding their inner “Master” or “Mistress” and taking control of another, who will (unlike others in “real life”) listen and submit rather than scoff or move away. Many “M’s” are actually fairly self-directed, sometimes perfectionistic folks who are thrilled at the sensual submission to another’s will, where someone else is (unlike their real-life experience) firmly in the driver’s seat, where decisions and agency is excitingly “handled” by another. Desire that is unexpressed in “real life” is free to play in a sexual context, but diverted or kept under wraps the rest of the time.

So the specific question would be how and if these scenarios both free up and protect something: what gets expressed and what stays tied up (pun sort of intended)? Is there a struggle with shame over your desires or hopes in romantic relationships? Is it that anxiety is “bound” or contained in this role-playing? Were there earlier experiences of being dominated or controlled or punished that weren’t so fun but are now excitingly transformed in the shadows of the bedroom? (This would give a person a sense of mastery or control over past wounded-ness.)

The other concern I have relates to compulsivity, or compulsively maintained rigidity around “roles.” A person once remarked to me in therapy that he liked BDSM because the boundaries were strikingly clear and defined: you do this, I do that, with no gray in between. (Most of our relating to others exists in the gray.) In other words, the rigidity of boundary making was exciting, but his beloved partner was not as enthralled with the role-playing, which started a rift between them that led to the end of the relationship. (Sexuality often serves as a metaphor for one’s emotional attachment patterns to others.) Until this man saw the emotional needs, in therapy, that were “masked” by the role of the M, he couldn’t communicate what he hoped and expected from his partner outside the bedroom. They couldn’t collaboratively find ways to say what they wanted or needed together, as allies. Instead, they got tangled up in power struggles that drove them apart.

So-called “normal” sexuality was ambiguous and confusing to this man. He often felt overly responsible for others’ feelings, and it was hard to ask others for help (at work, for instance). He’d take on more than he could handle most of the time and preferred in his nighttime activities to submit to another person, giving up overbearing responsibility. This was both thrilling and a relief, though it also masked an emotional vulnerability and desire for guidance and support. Only when such needs were sexualized, in a controlled role-playing context, were they safe to express. Otherwise, they stayed repressed.

The downside of rigidity, therefore, is that it is, well, rigid. Meaning there is no fluidity of roles, which might restrict play and lead to emotional frustration for one or both partners. Black and white boundaries are comforting and limiting, which is kind of the point, except that it’s also nice to be able to psychologically grow in relationship as time goes on. This means you may possibly be depriving yourself of a longer-term partner with whom you can grow as a couple, as mutual allies.

There is nothing wrong with these choices, by the way. I’m engaging in a longer-term viewpoint that sees, possibly, the potential to limit one’s developmental expansion with an intimate other, if the script must always stay the same. Again, sexuality becomes a metaphor for how we attach and relate to others.

Whether this means you try to find someone who matches your preference, or try to adapt to a person who has similar but different preferences with whom you can play and experiment and take turns, is of course a highly personal decision. Some would rather be part of a BDSM lifestyle or community, finding a kind of “family” within. In the end, this is one’s own existential choice, which, I believe, no one has the right to judge. Some would rather find ways to loosen those preferences, especially if the other person is loved but has different sexual needs.

But my main point would be to investigate all of the above with compassionate curiosity. In what ways do these activities symbolize emotional surrenders you may have experienced, or wished for but never found? Does the spanking mean there’s excitement in being punished for having sexual desire, or something else? Perhaps you experienced pleasure and pain in equal measure and were taught to conflate the two. Sometimes (but not always) there is correlation in the intensity of the BDSM play—harsh and strict versus light and sensual, for instance—and the emotional intensity found within one’s family of origin. Also, those who are attracted to dominance and submission may have had boundary violations as a child, violations that are replicated in the adult scenarios while being soothed with sexual excitement and pleasure. If this sounds like you, meeting with a therapist could prove very enlightening and beneficial.

I hope this is helpful and perhaps the start of a new and rewarding self-investigation. Thanks for writing!

Best wishes,
Darren

Thanks for your honest letter. This is not at all unusual, what you’re going through, for men especially. In a way, it means you’re growing up and are now ready for some honest-to-goodness soul searching. (Which may have prompted you to write.)

Carl Jung once said it’s only when a person gets a glimpse of their mortality, often in middle age, that therapy begins. We lose some of our youthful illusions, and time becomes more precious.

If I could rephrase your question, it would be, “What really matters to me? And what does sex mean to me? It used to be super exciting but it no longer does the trick, and that’s frightening. Now what?” Some men do find this happening in their mid-40s, though there’s a good chance what is happening is at least as psychologically rooted as it is physiological. Maybe you need something more fulfilling for yourself, out of life, and out of relationships.

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First, the practical. Many men in their mid- to late 40s begin experiencing bodily changes in which the vitality of youth ebbs somewhat; we may need more sleep, experience more aches and pains, dwell a little longer in the depression or anxiety that’s dogged us for years, and so forth. Our devil-may-care resilience loses some of its bounce, and that’s hardly fun for anyone—especially men, many of whom identify strongly with their potency, sexually and otherwise.

You may be experiencing some shame along with fear if you have a history of feeling “not enough.” Many men who turn to sex for emotional self-sustaining often struggle, sometimes unconsciously, with shame and self-doubt. It’s as if our bodies and genitals are rebelling or walking out on the job, and we’re a little ashamed of what’s become so important for us, what we think we need but shouldn’t (pornography, for example).

So, first know you are not alone; much of this is normal for creeping middle age. You may want to get a physical (if you haven’t already) to make sure it’s not a medical issue. In fact, that would be the first thing I’d do, just to be safe. You allude to some erectile dysfunction, which, while not unusual for men your age, is something a medical professional may be able to help with.

I once read an interview with a psychologist who treated men for erectile challenges. She said, “Penises tell us a lot about what their owners are feeling.” Perhaps some of your recent life experience is deflating, in more ways than one; as someone who treats addictions, I can tell you that people often become anxious when repetitive behaviors are no longer the exciting or dynamic outlet they used to be. In a way, this is a sign of maturity, but it can bring anxiety with it.

I once read an interview with a psychologist who treated men for erectile challenges. She said, “Penises tell us a lot about what their owners are feeling.” Perhaps some of your recent life experience is deflating, in more ways than one; as someone who treats addictions, I can tell you that people often become anxious when repetitive behaviors are no longer the exciting or dynamic outlet they used to be. In a way, this is a sign of maturity, but it can bring anxiety with it.

What’s most telling for me—and, granted, I don’t have a whole of background to go on—is that you mention sex but not a partner. The focus, in other words, is on the literal, not the emotional or relationship transactions (love, closeness, trust) that accompany sex. I have always found that sex and attachment (and sex as attachment) to others are interconnected.

Sex, like any interpersonal transaction, never happens in a vacuum. Even men who “love ’em and leave ’em” typically are operating out of strong feelings and fears regarding intimacy; perhaps they fear or are ashamed they want it too much, so they dodge it via flings or porn and such. It may sound strange, but some of the men I help have fallen in love with prostitutes or strippers in ways that, from a distance, may seem delusional. (I am not suggesting this is your issue, mind you, though there are parallels with looking at porn.) What I realized is that they were ashamed of their desires for sex, and their own vulnerable emotional needs, because of how safe it felt attaching to someone who “got” their desires (with a built-in distance that ensured safety). In other words, they were “acting out” their desires without looking closer or exploring them in greater depth, perhaps in therapy or a support group.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say your main challenge here may lie in a kind of loneliness at a gut or soul level that is elusive or out of your awareness. It’s a catch-22 for some men; desire for closer relatedness is shameful (not “masculine”), so it gets channeled into sexuality, which is fun and safe due to emotional distance (which porn provides), which is unsatisfying in the long run, leading right back to square one: isolation, shame, and maybe even heartbreak.

We can “decode” our sexuality in a way that helps explain how we connect with others, even friends and family. The man who insists on being on top or on the bottom in bed may take an overly aggressive (or passive) role in all his relationships (or be passive in bed and dominant in the boardroom). The trick of sex is that it’s a pleasurable respite and the height of intimacy.

Graham Greene, one of my favorite novelists, once mentioned in an interview his belief that as men get older, they get more interested in companionship and less in “exciting” sex. The closeness and trust between partners is what’s exciting, not so much the novelty or the literal physical activity. Not that there’s anything at all wrong with the latter. It’s just that we need to be careful not to put all our psychological eggs in one basket; what is “hot” to us starts to shift as we get older and mature, as the emotional side of relationships gain in importance and we start to think about who we might want to have at our side over the longer haul, the end of which—sometimes startlingly—isn’t as far away as it was.

You may want to talk to other men who are going through this; a therapy support group or individual counseling or even online support can be helpful in opening up options, understanding, and recognizing that you’re having a very human experience that we all, in one way or another, must at some point negotiate.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

Standing woman looks out windowIt has been more than 30 years since Dr. Patrick Carnes published his book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, which introduced the concept of sexual addiction. One working definition of sexual addiction is a pathological attachment to a mood-altering experience of sex.

At that time, the focus was almost entirely on males who were addicted to sex. But new ground was already being broken. When I first met Jennifer Schneider—an Arizona psychiatrist—in the early 90s, she and a colleague had recently completed a book about couples recovering from sexual addiction.

Schneider and her colleague obtained detailed information about married females who were addicted to sex. Twenty-four women and 17 husbands were interviewed by telephone; 7 of the male spouses declined to take part in the survey. The findings were provocative back then, but they are confirmed by my own clinical observations over the years.

Gender Differences in Sex Addiction

Unlike the majority of men with sex addiction, most women are aware of their codependency when they initially begin therapy with me—either alone or with a partner. Codependency can be briefly described as looking outside oneself to other people in order to define self-worth.

[fat_widget_sex_right]This makes the early stages of recovery particularly difficult for women who are sexually compulsive. Initially, a period of abstinence is important in order to learn to maintain sexual boundaries. But that requires being able to say no without it affecting self-worth. As one woman in therapy put it, “I don’t want to deprive him or drive him to look elsewhere for sex!”

I find that is rarely a problem for a man choosing a period of abstinence. Unfortunately, this culturally learned gender difference makes it much more difficult to rebuild marriages in which the wife is sexually compulsive. Females with sex addiction often feel alone and unsupported as they work toward recovery.

Steps for Women in Recovery

In order to appreciate the complicated nature of sex addiction for women, it’s important to recognize how terrifying psychological isolation can be. One woman told me, “I feel ashamed that I feel lonely even in my marriage, like something in me is broken and defective.”

Consequently, women in recovery benefit most from a combination of supportive individual therapy and group experience, both 12-step and therapist-led. In 12-step meetings such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), participants share experiences, strength, and hope. In her book, Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction, author Kelly McDaniel lists some of the numerous benefits:

You may not be able to heal your brain alone, and the brain usually doesn’t function at its best capacity when you are isolated. Therapy can provide a trusting relationship and a healthy context for healing.Healing relationships requires healing the mind and the lifelong patterns that have shaped responses to the people closest to you. When your mind is fearful, you may have problems trusting or acting outside of your truest morals and values. Women with sex addiction may have difficulty being their best selves, and many of their sexual behaviors may have fallen outside their value system.

Healing your life also means healing your brain, and this may require professional support. Sexual addiction thrives in isolation. You may not be able to heal your brain alone, and the brain usually doesn’t function at its best capacity when you are isolated. Therapy can provide a trusting relationship and a healthy context for healing. McDaniel makes these suggestions for being a careful consumer when you’re ready to find a therapist:

Women experiencing sex addiction today have a much greater chance of finding a caring and well-trained professional than their mothers may have had. You owe it to yourself to find the best help possible.

References:

  1. Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction (3rd ed.). Center City, MN: Hazelden.
  2. McDaniel, K. (2008). Ready to heal: Women facing love, sex, and relationship addiction (2nd ed.). Carefree AZ: Gentle Path Press.
  3. Schneider, J., & Schneider, B. (1989). Rebuilding trust: For couples committed to recovery. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Close up of couple kissing

Many couples experience a surge in sexual excitement and activity when they begin to try for a baby. They may be suddenly free from hormonal birth control methods or the barrier sensation of condoms and often feel they have a closer and more intimate connection than before.

However, after a short time, if a baby has not been conceived, this heightened sense of intimacy and sexual excitement may fade. What typically replaces it is a sense of monotony and routine—sex by schedule, goal-oriented sex, sex under pressure—as well as anxiety, grief, and loss and lowered self-esteem. The emotional ups and downs can be hard for people to endure time and time again. Hope is erased by the first sight of your period, and then sadness and grief take over.

Sometimes, partners experience guilt on top of all these other emotions. Is it my fault we are not getting pregnant? Is it his fault we are not getting pregnant? Are we doing it wrong? Could we have done something differently? Is it because I did X, Y, or Z? Many people also feel guilty that they want sex only in order to conceive. What’s wrong with me that I don’t desire my partner sexually except to make a baby?

This can be an extremely difficult time for couples. They often feel alone, especially when they see “baby bumps” and strollers everywhere they go. The pressure to conceive often colors the mood and trajectory of the sexual relationship.

Here are some recommendations that may help you continue to enjoy sex while going through the process of trying to conceive:

  1. Even if sex is planned or scheduled, don’t forget the foreplay, take your time to turn-on both you and your partner. Sex doesn’t have to be rushed just because you “have” to do it. Try setting a timer for 30 or 45 minutes and don’t begin intercourse until that timer goes off. This may help you focus on becoming aroused, touching each other, and enjoying one another. Take time for sexual arousal to set in explore your partner’s body and pay attention to all of your partner’s erogenous zones for a better sex experience.
  2. Focus on pleasure and the female orgasm. Many women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex alone and require clitoral stimulation. This is nothing to be ashamed of and most of the time can even highlight both partners’ sexual experiences. Though many assume the male ejaculation is all that’s really needed to create a baby, there are a lot of benefits to focusing on pleasure and even female orgasm. In one study, researchers R. Robin Baker and Mark Bellis found that female orgasms that happened between one minute before the male ejaculated up to 45 minutes afterward led to higher levels of sperm retention. Furthermore, getting into the habit of having sex only for procreation may bring about reduced interest in sex on the part of both parties. Once a couple gets into the habit of having sex as a matter of routine and without much arousal, it can be hard to get out of that habit.
  3. Try something different. Many couples get in sexual ruts from time to time. Consider changing the environment. Even having sex in the shower, in another room, or adding some new lingerie or candles can enhance the experience and make it feel less routine. Consider adding sex toys such as a vibrator to enhance her sexual pleasure. Consider starting with a different sex position than you normally would new positions can take good sex, to great sex. Other ways you can make your sex life feel less routine are adding lube, roleplay, and even oral sex can help reawaken your partners sex drive.
  4. Remember it can take time. It’s important to know that, for many couples, it can take several months to a year or more to conceive. Try not to get discouraged, exercise self-compassion, and give yourself the benefit of patience.
  5. Talk to your partner about your experience and listen to your partner’s experience. Grieve together. Share feelings. Remember people experience loss differently. Although your partner may not cry in front of you, it does not mean he or she does not feel sadness. Share your feelings, but don’t expect your partner to feel the exact same way you do. Listen and be compassionate. Relating on this shared experience grows emotional intimacy, which will help you have greater sexual intimacy as well.
  6. Consider taking a break from “trying.” Take a break from scheduled ovulation times and just have sex when the mood arises. Not only might this kindlesexual desire, it may relieve some of the pressure and anxiety you both feel.
  7. Talk to someone in your support system outside of your partner. Be selective about who you talk to because some people may not be as helpful as you may like. Some people may give you all sorts of unwanted tips and “old wives’ tales” about what they heard will help you get pregnant. Some may be overly intrusive. Select a few trusted people to talk to, such as close friends, family members, or a therapist, who can help meet some of your emotional needs. Remember that your partner is also going through this difficult time and may not be able to fully support you the way you need because he or she is going through his or her own process as well.
  8. Schedule date nights or other fun activities you enjoy outside the bedroom. Having more fun together may remind you that you’re not just “partners”—you really like and love each other. Those positive feelings may carry over into sexual activities. Be sure to take the time to cuddle and embrace each other afterward.

If you’re having difficulty conceiving, you are not alone. Reach out to your support system, get the medical attention and therapeutic support you need, and focus on what you love about your partner. Sustain emotional intimacy and focus on the pleasure of being together by not rushing to the male ejaculation. Extend foreplay and remember that just because sex may be scheduled does not mean you cannot also experience pleasure and even orgasm.

Reference:

Baker, M. M., & Bellis, M. (1993). Human Sperm Competition: Late Manipulation by Females and a Function for the Female Orgasm. Animal Behavior, Vol. 46, 887-909.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C

Teenage boy lying on his bed at home using a smartphone to textOne of the most difficult issues I see today for parents is sexting—the sending of sexually explicit messages, pictures, or videos via text message. Texting in general has only existed for the past 15 to 20 years, and because it is still so new, parents usually don’t have a reference for it from their own childhoods.

Children are using devices more than ever to connect with one another. Some studies indicate that almost 80% of adolescents ages 12 to 17 own a cell phone, and almost 50% own a smartphone. Many of the apps that children use to communicate are rapidly changing and unfamiliar to adults. The lack of familiarity can create a sense of helplessness for many parents, which may make this issue a particularly difficult and scary one. To help with this, I’ve created a guide to hopefully make the issue of sexting less overwhelming for parents.

Understanding the Risks

To begin with, one should consider why children sext. Studies show most children say sexual messages are initially sent as a sign of love. For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush. Sometimes peer pressure plays a role, as children are pressured into sending a message they are not completely comfortable with.

The risk of sending a sexual message is that once it goes out, the sender has little to no control over who sees it. In 2009, there was a case in Pennsylvania in which a high school girl’s phone was confiscated by a teacher who found semi-nude photos stored in the phone and turned it over to authorities.

[fat_widget_right]Instances such as this teach us that even if a message is intended to be private, there is no guarantee it will stay that way. Children and teens should understand that anything they send into the digital world—a text, a message on social media, or even an email—might be seen by others. Teaching children about the risks also sends the message that the adults in their lives are available and willing to help.

Here are five steps parents can take when dealing with children or teens who are sexting.

1. Acknowledge Difficult Feelings

I think it is completely understandable and natural for parents to be deeply disturbed when their children send these types of messages, and acknowledging these feelings is often a good place to start. At times, the anxiety around this issue can become so overwhelming that it is difficult to see any ways to help. I encourage parents to discuss their children’s use of technology and the feelings surrounding it. Therapy can also provide an outlet to process some of the difficult reactions this issue brings up.

2. Recognize Core Issues Have Not Changed

Once parents have processed their initial reactions, I encourage them to try to see these messages as an expression of feelings that function similar to love letters from earlier times. As discussed earlier, the factors that generally cause adolescents to sext—teenagers in relationships, seeking approval from peers, and peer pressure—are hardly new. Most parents have vivid memories of grappling with these issues as adolescents, and recognizing those reference points can be empowering. This can help parents to relate more to their children and make the issue less foreign.

3. Realize What Will Not Solve the Problem

It is important to remember that children often get a lot of benefits from connecting with peers through their devices. These connections serve an important developmental purpose, and simply taking away a child’s phone or shutting down their social media accounts often does more harm than good. Children are surprisingly adept at getting around these types of limitations as well. Don’t assume the problem is fixed by trying to restrict their communication avenues.

4. Help Children Process Feelings

For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush.While children are well versed in technology, they often lack the emotional maturity to process the potentially negative things that can happen in the digital world. This is an area where parents can be enormously helpful. I encourage parents to make themselves available to process the difficult feelings and reactions their children have related to their online experience. The more children perceive their parents as available to talk about these feelings with them, the more resilient they will be when they are exposed to something negative.

5. Encourage Other Avenues of Self-Expression

The last step is to help children find other avenues to connect with their peers. Steering a child toward a club, activity, or sport enables them to connect with friends, and freeing up time in their schedule to spend with kids their age may make them less likely to seek connections online. The more children are allowed to connect to others face to face, the less likely they will be to try and fill a void in the digital world.

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Because technology has changed so dramatically in the past several years, parents and children are at risk of becoming disconnected. If parents are able to reflect on this issue, understand the reasons their children use devices, and come to see how children may be struggling with many of the issues their parents dealt with in childhood, they may be able to help their children find healthier and more productive ways of meeting their emotional needs.

References:

  1. A common sense research study. (2011).  Zero to eight: Children’s media use in America. Retrieved from https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america
  2. Guzzardo, J. (2010). School violated student’s privacy in ‘sexting’ case, lawsuit says. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/21/pennsylvania.racy.photos
  3. Rosin, H. (2014). Why kids sext. Fresh Air Podcast.  Retrieved from http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2014/10/15/356393531/why-kids-sext-describes-nude-photos-as-social-currency-among-teens
  4. Teens and technology. (2013, March 13). Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/files/old-media/Files/Reports/2013/PIP_TeensandTechnology2013.pdf

Thank you for your message and for having the courage to reach out. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage has run into some challenging times. I hope this message will prove useful and will help you find some solutions.

When partners seem to lose interest, it is natural for the other party to feel as though perhaps it has something to do with them. While that may be the case in some situations, it is not always that way. Often, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the partner.

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There are many reasons people might lose interest in sexual activity—work stress, financial trouble, and physical issues are just a few possible reasons. Before assuming that your husband is no longer sexually interested in you, consider that there may be something else going on.

The first question that comes up for me is whether your husband might be experiencing some erectile dysfunction issues that may be getting in the way of his sexual interest/willingness. If that is the case, he may be embarrassed and masking it with anger. For some men, the loss of the ability (or decreased ability) to function sexually is a significant blow to their masculinity. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, but it is worth considering. There may be any number of other causes. Sometimes, people lose interest in sexual contact with their partner if the partner changes his or her physical appearance, hurts them deeply, or if they feel somehow unsafe in the marriage. As you can see, the possibilities for why your husband may not be interested in sexual contact right now are many, and until you do some exploration, you may not have the answer you’re seeking.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on. Let him know that you love him and want to meet him where he is but you must know what’s happening with him. Let him know that you are not judging him, not taking it personally, and simply want to understand so you can know how to proceed.

If he remains unwilling to talk, you may want to consider seeking out a therapist who can help you decide what steps to take next.

When you approach your husband, be sure to do it at a neutral time. Whatever you do, don’t approach him right after he refuses sex, because that is a high-tension time. I suggest you set a time with him, a few days or even a week in advance, when you can talk. If you both work and have stressful weeks, maybe choose a weekend time. When the time comes, sit down in a quiet place, free of distractions, and begin the discussion. If things get heated or tense, it’s always OK to take a brief “timeout” to cool down and come back to it. With a difficult topic like this one, it may take a few tries to discuss it fully, but a peaceful and satisfying resolution will be worth the effort.

However, you know your situation better than I do. The shouting you mention is concerning. If you ever feel unsafe with your husband or have any indication he could be physically violent, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and/or finding a safe place to stay, at least until things calm down.

Good luck,
Lisa

Side view photo of two partners, one in bed, one sitting apart from bed, looking distantDoes the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit sexual activity? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive?

If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Sexual aversion is your body’s heightened response to sexual anxiety. First, it’s helpful understand why you might be experiencing it. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it.

Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From?

Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, anxiety, or pain.

[fat_widget_right]However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past (especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate), they find small messages of guilt, shame, or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of body shame or shame about sexual arousal.

How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions

Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include:

5 Steps to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

It’s important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. You are not alone. To work on your sexual anxiety, follow these steps:

  1. Assert your control over the situation by setting boundaries and ground rules.
  2. Agree to limited sexual contact. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact (hugging, holding hands, etc.) that you feel comfortable with. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Take it week by week or month by month—whatever you’re comfortable with.
  3. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques prior to and during a sexual encounter.
  4. Stop engaging in intercourse until the aversion has subsided.
  5. Consider finding a sex therapist, as this does not typically go away by continuing to engage in sex.

Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs.

Intimate CoupleMost Americans believe that watching porn is morally wrong (Green, 2014). According to data from the Public Religion Research Institute, only 23% of American women approve of pornography use, as do 35% of men. Despite this seemingly widespread disapproval and the forces of stigma and shame, 40 million people in the United States—about one in eight—are regular porn consumers (Willingham, 2013).

Although the genders of porn viewers are variant, insecurity, jealousy, or resentment about a partner’s pornography use is not uncommon, a reality not lost on media that cover the sensitive topic. An article in XO Jane (Marin, 2014) compares the jealousy that some heterosexual women feel about porn to the jealousy some straight men feel about women’s usage of vibrators. But if the old-fashioned term for sex toys is “marital aids”—and it is—why shouldn’t pornography fall under that umbrella?

I am writing this piece to gently challenge notions that pornography is inherently damaging to users, performers, and real-world sex partners. I believe that, when consumed responsibly, legally, ethically, and in moderation (we’ll get to that part) by consenting adults, not only is there nothing wrong with pornography use, but it can produce positive effects on a marriage or other romantic or sexual relationship. Benefits may include low-risk sexual pleasure, healthy communication about sexual interests, and indulgence in fantasies independent from those shared with a partner.

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Hear me out here.

If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help.

The Ethics of Porn

Now that we’ve covered some of the potential benefits of porn, let’s address some of the anti-pornography crowd’s concerns and criticisms. They’re not completely off-base, after all.

Clearly, porn detractors have plenty to point to. But when used ethically, in moderation, and with emotional intelligence by consenting adults, it’s my belief that pornography use can be a healthy pastime and even, under some circumstances, serve to enhance intimate relationships. I hope that this piece can be part of a bigger conversation, inspiring interesting and respectful discussion between curious persons and contributing to healthier attitudes about human sexuality at large.

“Fair-Trade Porn” Articles and Resources:

  1. The Feminist Porn Awards. http://www.feministpornawards.com/
  2. Fixell, E. (2015). 4 ways you can find ‘ethical porn’. The Daily Dot. Retrieved from http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/how-to-find-ethical-porn/
  3. Williams, Z. (2014). Is there such a thing as ethical porn? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

References:

  1. Green, E. (2014). Most people think watching porn is morally wrong. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/03/most-people-think-watching-porn-is-morally-wrong/284240/
  2. Janssen, E. (n.d.). Why people use porn. Frontline. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html
  3. Marin, V. (2014). ASK A SEX THERAPIST: How to talk to your husband or boyfriend about his porn and masturbation habits. Retrieved from http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-talk-to-your-man-about-his-porn-and-masturbation-habits
  4. Willingham, T. (2013). The stats on internet pornography. Daily Infographic. Retrieved from http://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-stats-on-internet-pornography-infographic

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

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You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

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