The holiday season is often seen as a time for celebration, joy, and family togetherness. However, for many, it can also be a period of increased stress, family tensions, and emotional strain. As a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist based in Singapore, I often see the impact of these external pressures on sexual health and intimacy. The stress of the holiday season can reduce libido, while conflicts with family members may create emotional barriers between partners. However, with the right tools and strategies, couples can nurture their relationship and intimacy during this challenging time. 

How Holiday Stress Affects Sexual Health 

Increased stress levels during the holiday season can take a toll on both physical and emotional health. One of the most immediate effects of stress is its impact on libido. When individuals are stressed, the body releases cortisol, the “stress hormone,” which can suppress the production of sex hormones like testosterone. As a result, many people experience a reduced desire for intimacy during this time. 

However, it’s important to note that sexual health is not solely determined by libido. Emotional intimacy plays a significant role in maintaining a connection between partners. When stress accumulates, it can be harder to feel emotionally present, which may hinder the connection necessary for a fulfilling sexual relationship. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays 

Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most effective ways to protect both your emotional and sexual health during the holidays. One of the biggest sources of stress during this time is often extended family interactions. Spending too much time with relatives or in close quarters can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and frustration. 

To combat this, consider renting a nearby apartment or booking a hotel room for a bit of distance. Having a physical space to retreat to when needed can provide you and your partner with much-needed relief. Additionally, setting time boundaries is equally important. Make sure to carve out hours or entire days to focus on yourself or each other. For example, designate specific days for relaxation or intimacy, making it easier to reconnect when outside pressures are high. 

Nurturing Intimacy: Communication and Non-Verbal Cues 

In times of stress, effective communication becomes even more critical. However, communication isn’t limited to just verbal exchange—it also involves non-verbal cues. Non-verbal communication can be a powerful tool for maintaining emotional connection and sexual health. 

In the context of a busy or tense holiday season, pre-established non-verbal cues can help partners communicate needs without feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood. For instance, setting up a “safe word” or code phrase can signal to your partner that you need a break from a conversation or a family gathering. Non-verbal cues like a touch, a look, or pulling aside can also communicate the need for support or time alone without interrupting the flow of the moment. 

Other strategies to nurture intimacy include discussing boundaries around physical affection and emotional connection. Safe words, hand gestures, or gentle taps can help partners navigate through moments of heightened stress or discomfort. Creating these systems ensures both partners can manage their individual needs while also supporting each other emotionally and physically. 

Managing Grief and Emotional Challenges During the Holidays 

The holidays can also bring feelings of grief, loss, and emotional hardship. These emotions can add another layer of difficulty to an already stressful period. If you are grieving a loss or dealing with significant life changes, it’s crucial to be gentle with yourself and your partner. 

Grief often creates emotional distance, which may feel like a barrier to intimacy. However, physical closeness—whether through holding hands, cuddling, or other affectionate gestures—can provide comfort during this difficult time. It’s important to discuss how you’re feeling with your partner and work together to provide support and empathy. Being open about your emotional state can help maintain intimacy despite the sadness. 

While grief should be honored, couples should also prioritize small moments of connection, affection, and shared understanding. It’s vital not to neglect your relationship while you’re grieving. Check-in with each other, and be proactive about emotional support. Simple acts of love and care can strengthen your bond and help you cope together. 

Conclusion 

While the holiday season can indeed create tension in relationships, it doesn’t have to damage intimacy or sexual health. By setting healthy boundaries, using effective communication techniques (both verbal and non-verbal), and supporting each other through emotional challenges, couples can maintain a strong connection during this demanding time. Focus on the emotional and physical intimacy that nourishes the relationship, and prioritize self-care and mutual respect. The holidays may bring stress, but they also provide an opportunity to reconnect and nurture your relationship, building resilience for the months ahead. 

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee 

Dr. Martha Tara Lee has been a passionate advocate for positive sexuality since 2007. With a Doctorate in Human Sexuality and a Masters in Counseling, she launched Eros Coaching in 2009 to help individuals and couples lead self-actualized and pleasurable lives. Her expertise includes working with couples who have unconsummated marriages, individuals with sexual inhibitions and discrepancies in sexual desire, men with erection and ejaculation concerns, and members of the LGBTQIA+ and kink communities. Dr. Lee welcomes all sexual orientations and is available for online and face-to-face consultations. Martha speaks English and Mandarin. 

She is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in the region (as of 2011) and is also an AASECT certified sexuality educator supervisor (as of 2018). She strives to provide fun, educational, and sex-positive events and is often cited in the media including Huffington Post, Newsweek, South China Morning Post, and more. She is the appointed Resident Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society, Of Noah.sg, OfZoey.sg, and Virtus Fertility Centre. She is the host of radio show Eros Evolution for OMTimes Radio. In recognition of her work, she was named one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40’ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the author of Love, Sex and Everything In-Between (2013),  Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-Between (2015), From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms and Everything In-Between (2017), and {Un}Inhihibited (2019). 

 

There is an abundance of information about how anxiety impacts our health—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Anxiety disorders affect approximately 19.1% of adults in the United States annually, making it one of the most common mental health conditions. Anxiety can cause periods of panic, feelings of fear or overwhelm, and a general sense of unease and tension. It can take over your thoughts and bleed into many areas of your life. Have you considered how anxiety destroys relationships with those closest to you?

If you are feeling a [strain on your relationship, anxiety may be playing a role. Could your anxiety (or your partner’s) be putting your relationship at risk?

Here’s how and why anxiety destroys relationships, and what you can do to stop it.

1. Anxiety breaks down trust and connection …

Anxiety causes fear or worry that can make you less aware of your true needs in a given moment. It can also make you less attuned to the needs of your partner. Research indicates that when individuals experience elevated anxiety, they are more likely to experience difficulties in their daily relationships, as anxiety can impair one’s ability to be fully present with their partner. If you’re worried about what could be happening, it’s difficult to pay attention to what is happening. When you feel overwhelmed, your partner may feel as though you aren’t present.

…so train your brain to live in the moment. If you notice a fear or concern that causes your thoughts to stray from the facts or the present moment, pause and think about what you know (as opposed to what you don’t know). Calm down before you act. You can make purposeful steps to build trust in your partner. Share openly when you’re feeling worried, and consciously reach out to your partner (physically or verbally) when you might normally withdraw or attack in fear. Mindfulness practices can increase empathy, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, helping redistribute attention away from anxiety-driven hyperfocus.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Many people with anxiety remain deeply committed partners, even when they feel distracted or overwhelmed internally.”

Reach out to one of our therapists in Minneapolis, MN or find a therapist closer to you.

2. Anxiety crushes your true voice, creating panic or procrastination …

Someone who tends to be anxious may have trouble expressing his or her true feelings. It also may be difficult to keep reasonable boundaries by asking for the attention or space that is needed.

Since experiencing anxiety is uncomfortable, subconsciously you may try to postpone the experience of it. On the other hand, anxiety can cause you to believe that something must be talked about immediately, when in fact a short break may be beneficial.

If you don’t express what you truly feel or need, anxiety becomes stronger and anxiety destroys relationships. Plus, your emotions may eventually spiral out of control if you keep them in. You may become overwhelmed and defensive.

…so acknowledge your feelings sooner rather than later. A feeling or concern doesn’t have to be a disaster in order for it to be addressed. Approach your partner with kindness, so that you’re neither procrastinating nor panicking. Also, find time on your own to unpack some of the thoughts or fears circulating in your mind; they are draining your time and energy.

3. Anxiety causes you to behave selfishly …

Because anxiety is an overactive fear response, someone experiencing it may at times focus too much on his or her own concerns or problems.

Your worries and fears may be putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship. You may feel like you need to worry in order to protect yourself in your relationship, but it might be keeping you from being compassionate and vulnerable with your partner.

Research from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication demonstrates that marital distress is significantly associated with increased risk of anxiety disorders, particularly social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD, with couples where female partners are affected being particularly vulnerable. If your partner experiences anxiety, you may build up[resentment and react in selfish ways as well. The attitudes and perspectives that we have are contagious. Keeping your stress levels under control is especially hard when your partner is feeling anxious, upset, or defensive.

…so attend to your needs, not your fears. When you notice yourself becoming fearful or defensive, take a moment to consider the compassion that you have for yourself and your partner. Clearly ask for the support you need to feel loved and understood. Apologize for letting anxiety make you self-absorbed.

4. Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance …

A healthy form of worry will tell you “something isn’t right”; it comes via that quick pull at your heart or that tight feeling in your stomach. This signal helps you act, such as when you speak up for someone who is being treated poorly.

Unhealthy levels of anxiety make you feel as though an emotional “rock” is in your stomach almost all the time. Anxiety causes you to reject things that are not dangerous and avoid things that might benefit you. It also can stop you from taking healthy action to change things in your life that are hurting you because it makes you feel hopeless or stuck.

… so practice being uncomfortable. You don’t need to either ignore or obsess over an uncomfortable thought. Take constructive action if you can. Sometimes your partner just needs you to be present with his or her feelings, and sometimes you need to offer that same gift to yourself. You can show your presence to your partner with soft eyes or a soft touch, and be present for yourself with a calming breath.

5. Anxiety robs you of joy …

Experiencing joy requires a sense of safety or freedom. Anxiety makes us feel either fearful or limited. Research shows that anxiety can significantly impact emotional regulation and various aspects of life, including relationships, work-life balance, and overall life satisfaction, and can impact individuals differently. Also, a brain and body trained to stress may have a much harder time enjoying sex and intimacy. Negative thoughts and fears impact a person’s ability to be present within a relationship, potentially sucking the joy out of a moment.

… so don’t take yourself too seriously. You can use your sense of humor to overcome anxiety. Remember to laugh and play with your partner. Joy physically heals and comforts your brain in ways that are vital for a healthy relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “With safety, patience, and communication, couples often rediscover closeness even when anxiety remains present.”

As Anxiety Weakens, Your Relationship Strengthens

Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts your relationships, you can create positive change within a relationship dynamic.

Research demonstrates that cognitive behavioral couple therapy protocols result in statistically significant improvements in couples’ relationships, including reduced anxiety and depression symptoms and increased dyadic adjustment. Mindfulness-based interventions have also shown promise in enhancing social support, emotional regulation, and deeper connections with others, helping individuals develop increased presence, acceptance, and compassion in their daily lives.

A therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment can help you further understand anxiety and help you stop harming yourself and your relationship.

References:

1. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Any anxiety disorder. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/any-anxiety-disorder
2. Whisman, M. A. (2007). Marital distress and DSM-IV psychiatric disorders in a population-based national survey. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 116(3), 638-643.
3. Kasalova, P., Prasko, J., Holubova, M., Vrbova, K., Zmeskalova, D., Slepecky, M., & Grambal, A. (2012). Anxiety disorders in intimate partners and the quality of their relationship. Neuroendocrinology Letters, 33(2), 189-196.
4. Monti, F., Agostini, F., Fagandini, P., La Sala, G. B., & Blickstein, I. (2009). Depressive symptoms during late pregnancy and early parenthood following assisted reproductive technology. Fertility and Sterility, 91(3), 851-857.
5. Durães, R. S. S., Khafif, T. C., Lotufo-Neto, F., & Serafim, A. P. (2020). Effectiveness of cognitive behavioral couple therapy on reducing depression and anxiety symptoms and increasing dyadic adjustment and marital social skills. The Family Journal, 28(1), 35-44.
6. MacDonald, H. Z., Bradley, M., & Neville, T. (2024). Awareness as a vehicle for well-being: College students’ lived experiences participating in a mindfulness-based intervention during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of College Student Mental Health, 2, 1-19.
7. Zheng, Q., & Yang, W. (2024). Intervention study on the impact of internet-based mindfulness meditation on depression and anxiety among university students. International Journal of Education and Humanities, 16, 224-228.
8. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Mental health conditions & care. https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/about-data/conditions-care.html

Trying to figure out why your partner/spouse left you can become the bane of your existence. Even if there appears on the surface to be an obvious and uncomfortable reason, your brain will search for answers that feel satisfying and rational.

The truth is that there are probably a million reasons for his or her departure, but the one you choose to believe will set the tone for your perspective, attitude, and experience going forward.

For example, it’s typically easier to digest the idea that you and your partner “grew apart” than it is to consider the possibility that he or she fell out of love with you. The first reason is practical and plausible; the latter can be a devastating blow to the heart and ego.

You may never get the answer you are looking for from your partner, but there are several common reasons why someone leaves a relationship. Below are the top five reasons for leaving that I hear about while working with divorcing couples in my therapy practice.

Reasons Partners Leave

1. Your partner wasn’t in love with you anymore. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. You could argue that all long-term relationships lose their spark, but falling out of love usually is code for “I’m done here.” While there are cases in which couples fall back in love, most often it’s hard to renew this emotional connection.

How to cope: As hard as it is, try not to take this personally. Remember that people fall in and out of love all the time, and you probably don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you deeply anyway. Heal your ego and your heart first, and then see where you stand with your emotions.

2. Your partner felt like you became more like a sibling than a partner. Many committed relationships and marriages, particularly those that start at a young age, turn from romantic to familial. [fat_widget_right]These are couples that “grow up” together and then “grow apart.” Husbands become brotherly, and wives become sisterly, until it just feels too weird to be romantic. These are hard situations because there is still a strong emotional connection, but no physical connection. Many people choose to stay in these kinds of marriages, but for many, giving up romance and sex is just not an option.

How to cope: If this is the reason for your divorce or breakup, you probably had a good go of it. The relationship was most likely very comfortable and “good” in many ways, but trust that you will rekindle some of your romantic spark and realize that your marriage was unfulfilling. Cherish what you had, and work on closing that chapter as you prepare for the next.

3. Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you under-appreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

4. Your partner met someone else. This is often the most painful reason for a leaving, but it’s also sometimes the easiest to accept. The message is so strong and clear when there is infidelity. Infidelity can severely strain a relationship and the people involved unlike opaque reasons such as boredom or lack of compatibility. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Cheating partners often don’t even want to work on saving the relationship or marriage, increasing levels of frustration and hurt.

How to cope: Try not to take too much of a righteous or moral stance. The reasons for affairs are very “gray” and multilayered. It’s easy to get trapped in black-and-white thinking, but you will need to expand your concept of the situation to truly heal.

5. Your partner doesn’t have anything in common with you anymore. This always seems like something that can be worked on or fixed, but when two people live separate lives, they can eventually grow too far apart. This happens slowly and mysteriously until, one day, there are no common interests and someone gets bored and wants to move on. In many cases, there were no common interests to start with, making coming back together even harder.

How to cope: This is a great opportunity and time to ask yourself what you want to do with your time and how you want to live. As hard as it can be to lose your partner, there probably is some part of you that shut down or got lost in the relationship. Rediscover that now.

Coping with the end of a relationship can be difficult on many levels. There is no shame in seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist if you need or want it.

By Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds

You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you. 

The Evolution of a Relationship

It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic. 

Why You Relate the Way You Do

In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.

Different Attachment Styles

Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress. 

Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?

Further Research into Attachment Styles 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences. 

Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood? 

What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure? 

Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020; Sims, 2000; Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013; Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?

Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.

Transference-Focused Therapy

Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples. 

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy

Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.

Dyadic Regulation Processes

Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.

Partner Relationship Mindfulness

General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.

Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style

As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern.  

What Lies within Our Power?

We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth. 

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.

Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.

Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart. 

In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.

Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 

Kim, S.‐H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.

Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.

Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.

Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.

Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.

A compassionate look at the beliefs, patterns, and hopes that can make an unhealthy relationship difficult to leave.

Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It's not because we're addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly.

Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship.

Research from the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey shows that about 41% of women and 26% of men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported a related impact. Understanding why people stay in unhealthy relationships is crucial for both those experiencing them and their support systems.

The Impact of Our Beliefs

We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable.

New Information and How We Deal with It

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. According to cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957), in emotionally charged cognitive dissonance scenarios, individuals high in love addiction may first choose to doubt themselves and further increase their commitment and accept an unequal romantic contract to maintain the romantic relationship. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options:

• Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”)
• Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”)
• Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”)
• Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”)

Research shows that cognitive dissonance does play a role in relationship outcomes, and that internal and external dissonance affects interpersonal interaction. It points to the necessity of interventions focusing on self-consciousness, emotional control, and verbal communication to counteract the damaging effects of cognitive dissonance in relationships.

Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship.

On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person.

Research on trauma bonding reveals that when there is a threat individuals turn to their attachment figure, but if the attachment figure provides a source of trauma, one might rationalize or experience a form of cognitive dissonance. Studies on women, comparing those who experienced IPV to those who did not, revealed higher levels of insecure attachment bonds to mothers and romantic partners among IPV victims.

It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Intermittent reinforcement is a schedule of reinforcement that provides the reinforcement on a variable schedule. It is highly effective at changing and maintaining behaviors and resistant to extinction. But the variable schedule of reinforcement shows the partner periods of good times and sometimes even excessive love and apologies, pulling the victim back into the relationship hoping that the good parts will continue.

Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship can relate to the confusion that is often felt by staying on in the relationship. And it can be extremely tiring. It’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. There are moments where the relationship feels like what it used to be, the reason you chose them. And that can keep hope going. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well.

From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How to Talk to Yourself

As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action.

How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change

So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop.

How to Evaluate Your Situation

I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.

Values clarification therapy aims to reduce emotional distress and increase positive behaviors through reinforcement. It helps those in therapy to identify and clarify the values that influence their decisions and behavior and encourages them to build on their inner resources and strengths. Someone who has explored their personal values in therapy is often better able to identify what will enable them to effectively function in life and thus may be able to make more self-directed choices.

> Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.

References

1. Carone, N., Muzi, L., Benzi, I. M. A., Cacioppo, M., Parolin, L. A. L., Santona, A. M. R., et al. (2024). The influence of childhood emotional abuse and neglect on love addiction: the indirect effect of vulnerable narcissism among female and male emerging adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 11:542925.
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). About Intimate Partner Violence. Intimate Partner Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
3. Dutton, D. G., & White, K. R. (2012). Attachment insecurity and intimate partner violence. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17(5), 475-481.
4. Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
5. Gill, M., & Meenakshi. (2024). The role of cognitive dissonance in shaping relationship dynamics between adolescents and adults. Journal of Neonatal Surgery, 13(4), 1-12.
6. Howard, A. (2019). How intermittent reinforcement keeps partners addicted to abusive relationships. ABC Behavior Therapy, April 10, 2024.
7. Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
8. Ponti, L., & Tani, F. (2019). Attachment styles and intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 22(1), 90-107.

For those in or getting out of a romantic relationship with a self-absorbed individual, the silent treatment can feel like a punishment worse than death.

Why Narcissistic People Use the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.

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Emotional Maturity of a Typical Narcissistic Person

The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is akin to a 5-year-old child who pouts and refuses to play with a friend in the sandbox because the friend wants to share the pail and shovel. The 5-year-old refuses to talk with the friend and angrily storms off to play on the jungle gym with someone else. The bewildered child with the pail and shovel may feel confused, rejected, and may not understand why they can’t share. He or she just wanted to build a sand castle together.

Because no further communication can ensue unless and until the narcissistic person decides to give the target another chance, a false sense of control is nurtured. Often, the narcissistic person will demand that the target apologizes for whatever inflated transgression the target may have committed (the target may have set a limit or asserted a boundary against emotional abuse, for example). Sometimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will decide to abandon and discard the relationship when his or her partner presents an ultimatum or attempts resolution requiring compromise. The person with narcissism may prefer to end the relationship and start over rather than be in a position of potential abandonment. The 5-year-old storms off and plays with a new, innocent target on the swing set. It is too much work to share the pail and shovel.

How to Deal With the Silent Treatment

So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understands that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.

The healing process can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that did not really exist and was one-way in favor of the ego-massaging person with narcissism. The minute the partner disagrees with the narcissistic person or asserts his or her healthy boundaries, the narcissistic person deploys an arsenal of abuse tactics. The silent treatment is a favorite weapon.

Do not accept emotional abuse. Know that you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can communicate in a mature, emotionally healthy manner. Play with someone who has the ability to share the shovel and pail. You deserve no less.

Marriage, relationships, and love will transform over the course of a lifetime. As individuals embark on a journey together, most do not understand how much their love may change. It will be influenced by many factors over time. In this article, I will discuss five phases in which love may be shaped, tested, and transformed.

5 Stages of Love in a Committed Relationship

1. Captivation

In the beginning of a relationship, most people can attest to being captivated by the other. If reciprocated, they will most likely be in a state of infatuation, mesmerized and enthralled with one another. They may feel a strong romantic attraction. The positive is accentuated, and the negative is often overlooked. Their thinking will be preoccupied with one another, desiring to spend as much time together as possible. This time can be marked with moments that feel electric. Sparks flying. Chemistry igniting.

What’s important to note is that as exciting as it may feel, this heightened stage of electric connection will likely not last forever. The relationship will begin to transition into a new phase. Typically, this occurs between one and two years together. Although the two will undoubtedly be attracted to one another, the infatuation wanes, reality sets in, and a couple will try and make sense of what their feelings are all about.

2. Courtship

Couples are falling in love. Those hoping to marry or commit long-term will begin examining their feelings and seeking answers to poignant questions: Can I count on you? Will you be here for me when I need you? Do you really love me?

Some people in the courting phase may choose to commit, become engaged, and/or marry. Couples will test their love to discover the strength of their devotion. They will explore and experience if the other truly has their heart. This is an excellent time to take a premarital class and learn what marriage (and long-term commitment) really entails.

3. Commitment

The next phase following engagement is where a couple will solidify their commitment and/or marry. Vows may be spoken as individuals come together, sometimes in the presence of friends and family. Some wedding ceremonies still use a rendition of traditional Western vows, such as from The Book of Common Prayer, and may use some form of the following:

I take thee to have and to hold,
from this day forward,
for better for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death do us part,
according to God’s holy ordinance
and thereto, I give thee my troth.

Truth be told, most couples have no real understanding of how these vows will be tested during their marriage.

In their first year together, partners will begin to learn what it means to make the transition from “me” to “we.” Couples will be both stretched and strengthened. They are laying the foundation for a long-term commitment. A host of things may happen in this stage: friendship grows, emotional connection intensifies, and the rhythm for daily life unfolds.

The first year is smooth for some and challenging for others. If you feel like your marriage or long-term relationship is off to a rocky start, don’t wait: seek out counseling. Many couples will wait an average of 6 years before seeking help.

4. Children and Parenthood

In the next phase (for some relationships) comes children and parenthood. This transition is marked by moving from me, to we, to three. As wonderful as becoming a new parent can be, this season is marked by many unexpected variables: less sleep, more responsibilities, hormonal changes, challenges with work-life balance, less time/energy for intimacy and sex, and more conflicts as you discover all that a family of three means.

Certainly, children can be a blessing, and with each new addition, life may become richer. However, couples need to be aware that expanding the family can throw their union out of sync. Couples who enter this season of life often find it full, demanding, and taxing. Understanding the dynamics of this busy season can help you to find peace and balance.

5. Mature Love

This stage of a relationship is generally preoccupied with launching children, empty nest, retirement, physical and health challenges, and caring for aging parents. For many, if couples have a strong bond and have been emotionally attuned to one another, love may be strong. If, however, couples have not been emotionally connected, this can represent a trying time. Gray divorce is on the rise.

Reasons for an increase in gray divorce include that many couples have not been investing and working on their relationship. If couples have a strong friendship and secure emotional bond, they can work through challenges and have a fulfilling and rich marriage. Contrary to this, if couples have been overly focused on children or careers at the expense of their relationship, this can have a drastic impact. Having a healthy and happy relationship involves working on your bond throughout every new phase.

In conclusion, marriage, relationships, and love involve a series of transformations. Love is not static; it is alive and evolving. Attunement, emotional connection, and maintaining a strong friendship will most assuredly attest to a relationship’s sustainability over the course of a lifetime.

References:

1. Gaspard, T. (2015, July 23). Timing is everything when it comes to marriage counseling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling
2. Holden, H. A. (1868). Book of common prayer. Boston, MA: Little, Brown, and Company.

Editor’s note: Gary Trosclair, DMA, LCSW is a private practice psychotherapist and Jungian analyst in New York City and Westchester County, New York. His continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy, titled “The Healthy Compulsive: Treating Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder,” will take place on March 27, 2020 and is eligible for two CE credits. This event is available at no additional cost to Premium and Pro GoodTherapy Members (Basic Members and mental health professionals without membership can view this event live for $29.95). Learn more and register here.

If your partner is controlling, rigid, perfectionistic, and preoccupied with work and orderliness, they may have OCPD, or obsessive compulsive personality disorder. While even many therapists are unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it’s the most common personality disorder found in the United States, at a rate of about 7.9% of the population (Sansone & Sansone, 2011).

But it’s also the most unrecognized (Koutoufa & Furnham, 2014).

OCPD vs. OCD

Many people, even clinicians, confuse OCPD with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. While there is some overlap in symptoms, OCD is significantly different and is characterized by more specific problems such as repetitive hand-washing, locking and unlocking doors, the need to have everything clean and orderly, and intrusive thoughts.

People with OCPD, on the other hand, have issues that affect the entire personality. And this can have a more devastating impact on relationships.

One of the defining distinctions between OCD and OCPD is that people with OCPD tend to be good at delaying gratification—often too good.

One of the defining distinctions between OCD and OCPD is that people with OCPD tend to be good at delaying gratification—often too good. To understate the case, they’re not typically known for being fun-loving.

The Continuum of Compulsive Personality

Many people have just traits of OCPD, not full-blown OCPD. That is, they may struggle in some of the ways that people with OCPD do but don’t meet all of the criteria for the diagnosis. In fact, compulsive traits are found on a continuum—from healthy and adaptive to unhealthy and maladaptive, from conscientious and productive to rigid and destructive.

Partners with a compulsive personality style can be loyal, hard-working, reliable, productive, meticulous, conscientious, and dependable.

Still, even people who have just some traits of OCPD can be difficult to live with. They may insist on having things their way because they’re convinced their way is the right way. They can be very critical and domineering. They may emphasize work over relationships. And they can get so caught up in rules and schedules that they lose the point of whatever they’re doing.

For instance, they may often forget the point of a vacation. They tend to keep working the whole time and are prone to getting upset when things don’t go exactly as planned.

OCPD and Relationships

The same can be said for how people with OCPD handle their relationships. Doing things right can become more important than being happy together. As someone who frequently writes about OCPD, much of the correspondence I receive comes from partners of people with OCPD asking desperately for advice about how to live with them.

You can’t always work out relationships with people who have full-blown OCPD. If they refuse to go to individual therapy or couples therapy if they are unwilling to acknowledge that their life is out of balance, and if they don’t take responsibility for how they treat you, there may be little you can do but protect yourself.

Improving a Relationship with an OCPD Partner

Some relationships with OCPD partners can improve. Their compulsiveness can be enlisted in the service of the relationship.

But in this article, I want to focus on what partners of individuals with OCPD can do to improve the relationship.

In order to jump-start that process, you may need to consider that they don’t cause all the problems on their own. Conflict in relationships is most often an issue of fit and chemistry. And there are two sides to every story. As people with high levels of compulsiveness can become very adamant about being right, it can be hard not to get caught up in the same approach. This can lead to defending yourself rather than seeing what you might do differently to help the relationship get back on track.

Getting out of “right and wrong” thinking will probably take initiative on your part. And if you see that you have some role in the conflicts, you have more power to start the process of change.

Even if you don’t have a role in the problems, you may be the one who needs to instigate change. It’s not fair. But it just may be the reality of your situation.

Keys to Change in OCPD Relationships

Here are some things you can do if you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work.

I will address these in three separate categories: how you see and treat your partner, how you communicate with your partner, and how you take care of yourself. Any one of these keys will probably not be enough in itself to initiate change. However, the three together can make a significant impact on the quality of your relationship.

Perspective

• Despite how they come across, your partner likely wants to do the right thing. When they become mean and rigid, it’s often because their anxiety is very high. This insecurity can lead them to be defensive. Work, perfection, control, and rules may be their way to try to protect themselves against shame.
• Do what you can to lower their anxiety, which could in turn help them lower their demands.
• Ask yourself if you play any role in their anxiety. If they feel they have to be responsible for getting everything done, they are likely to become angry and resentful because they may fear they won’t get it right, and they will be blamed.
• Reflect on whether you’ve allowed a situation to develop in which you allow them to do most of the work or take most of the responsibility because it’s easier for you. This would not be obvious, conscious, or intentional on your part. But it may still be part of the equation.
• Appreciate what they do well and tell them about it. Notice what their temperament contributes to the relationship, such as being loyal, reliable, conscientious, and hardworking.

While it may have become skewed, the original intention of their rules was likely to make things safe for people.

Communication

• Reassure them that they don’t have to be perfect, and point out how their perfectionism is hurting them.
• Let them know the effect they have on you with “I” statements (not “you” statements). People with OCPD tend to be so consumed with getting projects done and with doing them in a particular way that they may lose track of the effect they have on others.
• Ask them to attend couples therapy with you. Remind them that therapists are cheaper than divorce attorneys.
• Encourage them to go to individual therapy for their own benefit. They’re probably hurting themselves living the way they do. Find a way to describe this that will not raise their defenses. (Hint: Telling them they have obsessive compulsive personality disorder or that they are a “control freak” probably won’t help. Telling them they are “driven,” a “workaholic,” or “type A personality” might work.)
• Set appropriate boundaries. Just because they feel that the house should be vacuumed every day doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Self-Care

• Partners of people with OCPD often have a sense of being “under” the person with OCPD, of being dominated by them. While this is often an accurate assessment, if you can recognize that it is their anxiety that leads to their need to control and that they actually need what you have to offer them, you may be able to get out from “under” them and forge a more equal relationship.
• Reflect on whether your own personality style (e.g. easygoing, people-pleaser, or submissive) makes it difficult to be on more equal terms. If you don’t own your power, your partner will.
• Remember that despite the way they act, they still have a need for love, and probably a need for a connection with you. There is likely something you have that they lack and need from you—humor, kindness, sensitivity, generosity, or the ability to loosen up and play.
• Protect yourself and find support with family, friends, groups, and a therapist. If your own personality style makes you vulnerable to their domination, it will be especially important to get support in shifting the balance in the relationship.

While some relationships with partners who have OCPD may not be viable, others can improve with psychotherapy and a different approach from you, their partner. This will take heroic initiative on your part, but it may be worth it.

References:

1. Koutoufa, I., & Furnham, A. (2014, January 30). Mental health literacy and obsessive–Compulsive personality disorder. Psychiatry Research, 215(1), 223-228. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2013.10.027
2. Sansone, R. A., & Sansone, L. A. (2011). Personality disorders: A nation-based perspective on prevalence. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 13–18. Retrieved from www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21637629

Loneliness can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship—especially when the relationship is neurodiverse. If you love your partner but still feel unseen, unheard, or emotionally distant, you are not alone. Many couples face this challenge, and understanding its roots can be the first step toward healing.

While loneliness can occur in any partnership, the dynamics in neurodiverse relationships bring unique emotional and communication challenges that deserve special attention.

Understanding Loneliness in Neurodiverse Partnerships

Many people experience occasional loneliness in relationships, but the loneliness in a neurodiverse partnership often has unique characteristics. Friends may reassure you by saying “that’s life” or “marriage is hard,” but these responses can dismiss what makes your situation different.

A person in this situation may feel guilty or wonder if they are making too much of the problem. They might try to convince themselves that things are fine—until the longing for emotional connection grows too strong to ignore.

How Autism Can Impact Emotional Connection

For some in neurodiverse relationships, deep loneliness becomes a constant presence, not just an occasional feeling. It may wax and wane, but it’s always there—woven into daily life, much like a wedding ring on your hand.

Autistic and neurotypical partners can both feel lonely, but for different reasons. A neurotypical partner may crave affective empathy—emotional attunement and validation—while an autistic partner may respond with cognitive empathy, offering solutions rather than emotional comfort. Neither is wrong, but the mismatch can create feelings of being unseen or unsupported.

Over time, these differences can lead to frustration, hurt, or even withdrawal from the relationship. In some cases, both partners feel equally isolated. 

Common Causes of Loneliness for Both Partners

• Communication gaps: Different ways of interpreting emotions and intentions

• Mismatched needs: One partner seeks emotional reassurance while the other prioritizes practical solutions

• Chronic stress or fatigue: Emotional distance can worsen when mental and physical resources are low (fatigue)

• Self-blame: Both partners may feel they are failing the other

• Depression and low self-worth: Persistent loneliness can lead to depression and negative self-talk

Strategies for Bridging the Understanding Gap

One of the most effective tools for working with neurodiverse couples is psychoeducation (learn more). This involves exploring both the autistic and neurotypical experiences—not to label one as “better” but to understand similarities and differences.

From there, couples can:

• Learn each partner’s communication style and needs

• Make the implicit explicit—clearly stating expectations and emotional experiences

• Develop strategies for expressing affection and empathy in ways the other partner understands

• Practice nonverbal communication (read more)

• Build trust through small, consistent actions

When to Seek Professional Support

If loneliness is leading to ongoing resentment, emotional withdrawal, or repeated conflict, it may be time to seek outside help. A therapist experienced in neurodiverse relationships can help partners:

• Translate and interpret each other’s communication styles

• Rebuild emotional connection

• Develop realistic expectations for the relationship’s dynamics

You can find a qualified therapist who understands both autism and relationship challenges.

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

• How do you help couples navigate neurodiverse relationship challenges?

• What strategies can increase emotional connection when communication styles differ?

• How can we each better understand and meet the other’s needs?

The Path Forward

Every relationship faces challenges, but in a neurodiverse partnership, understanding and acceptance are the keys to a deeper connection. A neurodiverse relationship will never be entirely neurotypical or autistic—it will always be uniquely yours. By learning to navigate your differences, you can deepen your connection and create a partnership that honors both individuals.

You don’t have to navigate this alone—working with a therapist experienced in neurodiverse relationships can help you and your partner build mutual understanding and emotional closeness. Find a qualified therapist on GoodTherapy today and take the next step toward a stronger, more connected partnership.

Yelling is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other often, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. If you are experiencing this you may be wondering how can yelling be prevented in a relationship. Those of you who experience yelling on a regular basis know what I’m talking about.

Yelling at Children

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

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1. Yelling at children teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.
2. Yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.
3. Regularly yelling at a child before the age of three or four, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, “if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.” They are too young to know better.

Helplessness

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

1. Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling.
2. Make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.
3. If reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.
4. Try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: “There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.”

By the way, in 29 years of practicing therapy, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling at my kid, what a mistake that was.”

Yelling at Your Spouse / Partner

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear and can even create anxiety, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

Yelling Alternatives

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1. Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”
2. Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.
3. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
4. In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.
5. When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.
6. After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you are making an attempt builds trust and self-confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship,
Jim Hutt

Ending a relationship and letting go can be incredibly difficult no matter how toxic it is. Part of this is for simple biological reasons, as recent scientific studies have shown that being in love activates the same reward pathways in the brain as addictive substances like cocaine.

Brain scans of lovers and people experiencing substance addiction both display increased activity in the pleasure centers of the brain (most notably the dopamine centers) and decreased activity in the frontal lobe, which is the area responsible for cognition. This means that while falling in love can make us feel good, it can also profoundly affect our judgment.

While researchers have found overlaps between romantic attachment and addiction-related brain activity, healthy human bonding is not inherently pathological. Neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin help create emotional attachment and connection. In unhealthy or inconsistent relationships, however, these same reward systems can contribute to intense emotional dependence and make it harder to leave, especially when affection and distress occur in cycles.

It is for this reason that love can sometimes be compared to an addiction. In love, much like addiction, there may be negative side effects such as abuse or gaslighting. But despite all of those bad circumstances, it can still be difficult to kick the romantic attraction and feelings of love when letting a relationship go.

Not all unhealthy relationships look the same. Some relationships may involve poor communication or codependent patterns, while others may include emotional abuse, manipulation, coercion, or trauma bonding. The process of leaving and healing can look very different depending on the dynamics involved, and some situations may require additional support or safety planning.

If you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship you know is not healthy, consider these 15 tips for letting go of it for good:

1. Recognize the Problem

Awareness is the first step. Educate yourself or consider talking to a therapist or counselor about what constitutes an unhealthy relationship. Take a good, hard, and objective look at your relationship and be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is this relationship serving my highest good?
• Is this relationship negatively impacting other areas of my life?
• Is this relationship detrimental to my self-esteem?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, consider ending or talking to a professional about the relationship.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

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Letting go of a relationship is usually not easy. It can be painful to end a relationship even if the relationship was not serving your highest good. Honor any feelings of grief you may have, and allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than attempting to suppress them. What people often experience as “missing them” may also involve emotional withdrawal and a dysregulated nervous system. In relationships marked by inconsistency, conflict, or intermittent reinforcement, the brain and body can become conditioned to cycles of emotional highs and lows. The urge to reconnect often intensifies when the discomfort feels overwhelming, not necessarily because the relationship was healthy. Accept grief as a part of the experience, and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

3. Discover the Lesson

Many people reflect on past relationships to better understand themselves and their patterns. However, not everyone is ready to take meaning from the experience right away, and that’s okay. Sometimes healing first needs to come before insight. If and when you feel ready, consider asking yourself what the relationship revealed about your needs, boundaries, values, or hopes for future relationships.

In life, lessons may often be repeated until they are learned. Look for the lesson from this relationship and you may be less likely to carry the same lesson over into your next relationship.

4. Create Separation

It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you’re used to spending so much time with, but it is usually necessary if you want to move on from the relationship. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship with your ex, but it’s usually best to allow some time for both parties to heal before you try to spend time together as friends.

For some people, especially in relationships involving manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or trauma bonding, a period of no contact may be necessary to allow emotional healing and nervous system regulation. In other situations, limited contact may be more realistic, particularly when co-parenting, shared responsibilities, or practical concerns are involved. Creating space can help you gain clarity and reduce the emotional intensity that often keeps unhealthy dynamics going.

5. Let Go of the Mementos

It can be tempting to hang on to all the old relics of a past relationship. Doing so, however, may prevent you from moving on with your life. If you must keep the old love letters, movie ticket stubs, photos, or romantic gifts, you may want to store them somewhere out of sight until you’re ready to move on.

6. Take Off Your Love Goggles

Love often has a way of clouding your perception, which sometimes makes it difficult to see someone for who they really are. If you really want to get out of an unhealthy relationship, you must be willing to take off your love goggles and look at the person objectively. Consider talking with a close family member or friend or even finding a therapist to help you look at the relationship impartially.

It’s common to hold onto isolated moments of connection while minimizing larger behavioral patterns. When you slow things down and look at the relationship over time, the overall dynamic often becomes clearer. Ask yourself whether the relationship consistently felt emotionally safe, respectful, and supportive, not just whether there were occasional good moments.

It isn’t uncommon to only hold on to the good memories of an ex and completely shut out the bad memories. Maintain your perspective by remembering both sides of the experience. Remind yourself of the good times, but don’t forget those bad times or you could end up forgetting why you ended the relationship in the first place.

7. Compose a Letter to Your Ex

Consider writing out all your feelings in a letter, even if you have no intention of sending it. You can choose to give this letter to your former partner or destroy it when you’re finished. The point of the letter is to allow you to release your feelings. Writing or journaling can help you reflect on the relationship as a whole, while giving you a way to further your mental and emotional wellness.

8. Focus On Empowering Yourself

Try your best to shift focus off the relationship and back to yourself. Consider trying new things or putting your energy into a hobby you’ve neglected. Remembering why the relationship was unhealthy and focusing on what it is you do want in a relationship can be empowering.

After an unhealthy relationship, many people realize they lost parts of themselves along the way. You may reconnect with interests, friendships, goals, or aspects of your identity that became smaller during the relationship. Rebuilding your sense of self is often an important part of healing.

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.

9. Rewrite Your Story

We often tend to place the weight of our identities into our self-professed life stories. We believe we are what we continually tell ourselves. Examine your story and rewrite it in a more empowering way to start making positive changes in your life.

If you continually tell yourself you lost your soul mate and you’re destined to be alone, you might struggle to hang on to a relationship that is no longer serving you. Reframe your story and consider the fact this relationship may have just been one step on the journey toward an even better relationship in the future.

10. Practice Forgiveness

Release any feelings of guilt or regret you have surrounding the relationship. Forgive yourself for anything that happened in the past because you can no longer change it. You can only move forward and learn from it.

Forgiveness is often a gradual process and should not be rushed. For some people, trying to forgive too quickly can bypass important feelings such as anger, grief, or betrayal. Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning accountability. Instead, it may eventually involve loosening your emotional attachment to the pain or dynamic so you can move forward more freely.

11. Live in the Present Moment

Life exists in the present moment and healing is rarely linear. Many people move forward, then revisit old feelings, memories, or urges before continuing to heal again. Experiencing setbacks or moments of doubt does not mean you are failing or that ending the relationship was the wrong decision. Choose to live in the present rather than getting lost in nostalgia. Often, people stay in a relationship that is no longer healthy because they are clinging to the past. Judge your relationship based on how it is at present rather than how it once was.

12. Accept What Is

We must be able to accept things as they are if we want to move forward. Many people remain in relationships that are unhealthy hoping they can somehow change their partner. It is important to remember you cannot change anyone, especially if they have no willingness to change themselves. If the relationship isn’t working for you, then you have the choice to leave and move on. That is something you can change.

13. Contribute to a Cause You Care About

If you’re having trouble letting go of the past, consider getting involved in a cause you feel passionate about. Doing this can not only occupy your time and mind as you process feelings and let go of the relationship, but it can also help shift your focus to something bigger than yourself. Recent research has shown volunteering can significantly improve overall well-being, with benefits including reduced mortality, increased functioning, and better social connections. This can provide perspective and help you feel good as you also help your community.

14. Practice Self-Care

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship. Letting go isn’t easy, and it isn’t uncommon to forget our own physical and emotional health after a painful breakup. The grief can be overwhelming and we may start to neglect our own needs, as emotional pain activates the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain.

During and after unhealthy relationships, the nervous system can remain in a heightened state of stress or emotional activation. Gentle routines, consistent sleep, movement, time outdoors, mindfulness practices, and supportive relationships can help your body gradually regain a sense of stability and safety.

Help yourself by choosing to practice self-care every day. Get plenty of rest. Eat nutritious food. Indulge. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Whatever it is, just do something to meet your personal needs.

Furthermore, learning how to practice self-compassion. Moving on can be a big and scary step, so be gentle with yourself as you heal and create a new life after this relationship.

15. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Forever is a misleading term. The only constant that exists in life is change. Despite our efforts to the contrary, we truly cannot hold on to anything in life forever. Everything—friends, family, and relationships—come and eventually go.

When it comes time for something to end, rather than clinging to what no longer is, realize impermanence is the nature of life and try to embrace it. Appreciate the good moments you had, cherish those memories, and let them go in exchange for new experiences. Missing someone after a breakup does not automatically mean the relationship was healthy or that reconnecting is the best choice. Emotional attachment can persist even when a relationship caused harm.

Know When to Ask for Help

The first few moments, days, or weeks following a breakup can seem debilitating. For some, ending a relationship means a loss of identity, support, and normalcy. Ending a relationship—even a toxic one—can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. However, you do not have to do it alone. Know when to seek support if you need it.

Some signs it may be time to seek additional support include repeatedly returning to the relationship despite ongoing harm, feeling stuck between knowing what needs to change and being unable to act on it, experiencing a significant drop in self-worth, or struggling to function in daily life after the relationship ends. Therapy can help people process grief, rebuild identity, strengthen boundaries, and better understand attachment patterns that may be contributing to the cycle.

If feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions persist and begin affecting your daily life after a relationship ends, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you process and acknowledge your feelings in a healthy way. A qualified mental health professional can help you examine the past relationship in a safe place free of judgement while you work toward achieving a more complete sense of self after the relationship has ended.

Even if you feel like there is no hope after severing an important tie in your life, remember you can heal and you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and complements you and your happiness.

Letting go of an unhealthy relationship is rarely just a single decision, it is often a process of building the emotional capacity, support, and safety needed to move forward. That process can take time, and it often requires significant courage.

References:

1. Pierce, A. F., Protter, D. S. W., Watanabe, Y. L., Chapel, G. D., Cameron, R. T., & Donaldson, Z. R. (2024). Nucleus accumbens dopamine release reflects the selective nature of pair bonds. Current Biology, 34(2), 341-349. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2023.12.041
2. Rinne, P., Lahnakoski, J. M., Saarimäki, H., Tavast, M., Sams, M., & Henriksson, L. (2024). Six types of loves differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cerebral Cortex, 34, bhae331. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhae331
3. Yang, Y., Wang, C., Shi, J., & Zou, Z. (2024). Joyful growth vs. compulsive hedonism: A meta-analysis of brain activation on romantic love and addictive disorders. Neuropsychologia, 204, 109003. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2024.109003
4. Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2024). Exploring the effects of volunteering on the social, mental, and physical health and well-being of volunteers: An umbrella review. Voluntas: International Journal of Voluntary and Nonprofit Organizations, 35(1), 97-128. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11266-023-00573-z
5. Kang, S. J., Liu, S., Kim, J. H., Kim, D. I., Oh, T. G., Peng, J., Ye, M., Lee, K. F., Evans, R. M., Goulding, M., & Han, S. (2025). Thalamic CGRP neurons define a spinothalamic pathway for affective pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(29), e2505889122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2505889122
6. Tabassum, F., Mohan, J., & Smith, P. (2016). Association of volunteering with mental well-being: A lifecourse analysis of a national population-based longitudinal study in the UK. BMJ Open, 6(8), e011327. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011327

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.” – Robert Browning

Expectations

Relationships and marriages come with all sorts of expectations. We often hear the words “forever” and “lifetime” used when marriages are discussed. Up until quite recently, long-term monogamy has been set out as a goal for young people in committed relationships. The expectation is that we’ll love each other all of our lives, growing old together in wedded bliss. As a couples counselor, I frequently hear these expectations from clients in my office practice. Ideal love, romantic love, passion, desire, connection: will these last forever?

For some people, I think they will. However, research shows there are a lot of variables that determine longevity in relationships, with couples married 40+ years identifying specific factors that help relationships endure through major life stressors. Expectations are one of them. Rigidity and unwillingness to change, grow, and adapt will definitely affect the longevity of a love relationship. We don’t remain the same people over the years. Not emotionally, not mentally, and certainly not physically. Age and time march on, and we are vulnerable to their impact on our lives and relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Open communication and, when needed, consultation with healthcare providers can help couples maintain intimacy in ways that feel comfortable and meaningful.”

Reality

The reality is that change is a constant. Our interactions and our experiences cause us to grow and evolve into the people that we become. If we are willing and open to it, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals and as a couple for the rest of our lives. There isn’t an age or time when learning and growth stops. It never needs to.

Research on aging couples demonstrates that the secret to an enduring relationship is for both parties to accept the reality that their partner is not the same person they were 10, 20, 30 years ago, and neither are they. This life course systems perspective shows that couple dynamics must continuously adapt within a longitudinal context. When a couple can accept this, they are able to embrace the changes in themselves and in their partner and treat them kindly throughout the process. The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with.

The problems come when one or both partners get stuck in their perception of the person that their significant other used to be. They fail to see that person’s change and growth. Or perhaps the individual themself is not open to growth and becomes stuck. They risk losing the relationship because they are not willing to accept the new changes in their partner nor support that growth.

Aging with a loving partner requires acceptance of physical changes, of an inability to do what we once did, and even of the mild to severe cognitive deficiencies that occur as we age. Recent research indicates that spouses of individuals with cognitive impairment have higher risk of cognitive decline themselves, and that the cognitive status of one spouse can affect the cognitive function of the other spouse. It takes a great deal of patience to deal with declining health issues or to show love when people are at their least lovable. But that’s when they need love the most.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Aging affects individuals differently, and many couples continue to function well by adjusting expectations and supporting one another’s strengths.”

Adapt and Thrive

It is possible to have a strong and loving relationship in your golden years. Understand that all relationships go through peaks and valleys, ups and downs. Research on couples married 40+ years shows that effective communication, drawing closer together, persevering as a team, and prioritizing the relationship are the primary coping mechanisms that help marriages survive major threats. There will be times when you think all is lost. Other times you’ll feel like you want to stay like this forever. It’s all changeable; fluid and dynamic.

The best advice I can give my clients is to be grateful, to show appreciation, and to never take your loved one for granted. Try to stay in the habit of being kind to each other, no matter what is happening in this cycle of your lives together. Try to see that having someone in your life that you can love and that loves you back is a great gift.

Be willing to adapt to what’s needed. As you age, you’ll need to change your approach to just about everything in life as your physical abilities change. Sexuality is one area in which adaptability is crucial. Recent AARP research shows that 61% of adults ages 40-plus believe sexual activity is a critical part of a good relationship, with many older adults continuing to enjoy active sex lives. Approximately 73% of individuals aged 57–64, 53% of those aged 65–74, and 26% of adults aged 75–85 report being sexually active. You may need to use different positions, shorter sessions, or pharmaceutical intervention. But you don’t ever need to give up your sexual relationship unless you choose to. It can be a fulfilling and special part of your relationship until the end of life.

Topics of Conversation

Talk to one another about everything. Tell your partner what you need and encourage them to express their needs to you. Then set about meeting those needs. Give your partner what they need to continue to feel loved by you and to feel like you value them deeply. Show them every day how grateful you are to have them in your world.

The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with. Talk about the hard stuff too. When things are tough for them, be supportive. Don’t always try to fix things. Sometimes a listening ear is what they truly need. Talk about how you both can adapt and try to make things better going forward.

Encourage each other to feel important and loved. It’s hard to feel old and unattractive. Tell your partner that you still find them desirable. Show them.

Let your partner know that you still “see” them for who they are and love them even more now than you did then. Build each other up and spend quality time together. Have fun and laugh a lot. Talk about the future; make plans for your golden years that include loving interactions and new adventures.

Talk about your fears and plan for contingencies. You never know what life will throw at you next. The most important thing to remember is that you’re in this together. You’re stronger together.

Long-Term Monogamy

Through the ups and downs of your relationship, you’ve probably had attractions to other people. You may have had crushes and flirtations. It’s normal to experience this. We’re all human with basic sexual desires that can be triggered by someone other than our partner. The question is, what happens when you see a young attractive person? Do you act on that desire? Or do you realize that the best thing that ever happened to you is right there at home, and chuckle to yourself and move along home?

Long-term monogamy is a wonderful way to have a relationship. Research dating back to 1858 has consistently shown that marriage usually has positive effects on health behaviors, mental health, physical health, and longevity. Studies indicate that marriage protects people’s mental health and that decades of research demonstrate a robust link between social well-being and longevity. Monogamous marriage can be sexy, exciting, and ultimately fulfilling. Research suggests that institutionalized monogamous marriage provides greater net benefits for society at large by reducing social problems, with significantly lower levels of crime and violence in monogamous cultures.

There’s something so wonderful about being in a relationship late in life where you can look back on decades of memories, shared experiences, and joy with a feeling of accomplishment that you saw it through the hard times and the good and made it all the way to your golden years together. You and your love can enjoy the end of your lives knowing you went through it all together and that you are stronger and more in love than ever.

Please note: This article provides general information and should not replace professional medical or therapeutic advice. Individual experiences with aging and relationships vary significantly. If you’re experiencing relationship difficulties or concerns about cognitive changes, please consult with qualified healthcare providers or licensed mental health professionals.

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References:

1. Anderson, J. R., Hinton, J. D. X., Bondarchuk McLaughlin, A., Rosa, S., & Goldschlager, K. D. (2025). Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2462988
2. Gupta, S., Matsick, J. L., & Anderson, J. R. (2024). A scoping review of research on polyamory and consensual non-monogamy: Implications for a more inclusive family science. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 16(4), 987–1000.
3. Heim, S., & Heim, J. (2025). How Long-Term Couples Cope with Chronic Stressors and Adverse Life Course Events in Marriage: A Qualitative Study. Marriage & Family Review, 61(5), 450-472. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2025.2459688
4. Ho, M., Pullenayegum, E., Burnes, D., & Fuller-Thomson, E. (2025). The association between trajectories of marital status and successful aging varies by sex: Findings from the Canadian Longitudinal Study on Aging (CLSA). International Social Work, 68(1), 29-40.
5. Kakulla, B. (2023). Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond (Ages 40-Plus). AARP Research. https://doi.org/10.26419/res.00748.001
6. Kong, D., Lu, P., Jiang, D., & Chan, H. Y. L. (2024). Memory Trajectories and Disability Among Older Couples: The Mediating Role of Depressive Symptoms. The Journals of Gerontology Series B, 79(2), gbad163.
7. Meng, H., Lv, X., Zhang, R., Feng, Y., Wang, J., Liu, J., & Zhang, J. (2024). Occurrence and Risk Factors for Cognitive Decline Shared by Couples: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 100(1), 29–40.
8. Penhollow, T. M., & Young, M. (2025). Sexuality in Older Adults: Comprehensive Strategies for Clinicians and Patient-Centered Care. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 19(3), 392–402.
9. Stowe, J. D., & Cooney, T. M. (2015). Aging Together in Enduring Couple Relationships: A Life Course Systems Perspective. The Journals of Gerontology Series B, 70(6), 976–987.
10. Vangelov, K., Dobson, E., & Graham, C. (2025). Relationship quality & longevity: Do support & strain from friends, families, & intimate partners predict lifespan? Clinical Gerontologist, 48(2), 123-141.