Many people think sarcasm is harmless humor. But for those on the receiving end, it can feel like a subtle wound that lingers long after the words are spoken. If sarcasm has left you feeling hurt, dismissed, or misunderstood, you’re not alone. Many people find that consistent sarcasm can chip away at trust and self-esteem.  Understanding why sarcasm can hurt—and how to respond—can help protect your emotional well-being.

Understanding What Sarcasm Really Is

I was surprised recently by a discussion among a group of therapists describing how they use sarcasm in their personal lives with children and spouses. I had assumed they would understand why that’s probably not a good idea. Why? Because sarcasm isn’t humor—it’s hostility. And it makes people feel bad.

It may be challenging to accept this, especially if your first reaction is to defend sarcasm as “just joking.” Some believe sarcasm is a sign of high intelligence. Well, no. Well-developed wit is a sign of high intelligence. Wit is insightful, showing us the world in a new way. Great wit is a high art.

Sarcasm, on the other hand, comes from Greek roots meaning “tearing of the flesh.” It’s hostility disguised as humor. If you challenge a sarcastic comment, the person can quickly retreat with “What? I was just kidding!”—but it doesn’t feel like kidding. It feels like veiled criticism.

Why Sarcasm Can Hurt More Than It Helps

For some individuals who identify as highly sensitive persons (see the work of Elaine Aron), sarcasm can feel especially biting. Even those who don’t identify as highly sensitive often respond negatively to sarcasm, whether they show it or not.

Think about the last time someone made a sarcastic remark directly at you. Maybe they commented on your “ballet shoes” when you were wearing hiking boots, or said, “Take all the time you need. The rest of the world can wait.” Did you feel appreciated—or hurt? Did it help strengthen your relationship?

Sarcasm and Passive-Aggressive Communication

We often hear the term passive-aggressive to describe someone whose default mode is sarcasm. On the surface, their words may seem neutral, but underneath lies another meaning—often irritation, resentment, or disapproval. This hidden edge can make sarcasm feel deeply personal and emotionally unsettling.

These passive-aggressive undertones can make sarcasm feel especially personal, leaving lasting emotional impact. Sarcasm directed at an individual can also be a sign that the speaker is unwilling—or unable—to communicate openly about what’s bothering them.

How to Respond When Someone Is Sarcastic

If you’re dealing with someone who regularly uses sarcasm, it may have become a habit disconnected from their conscious intention. Over time, sarcasm can mask an underlying psychological pattern, making it harder for the person to recognize how it affects others.

You can respond by calmly describing the impact of their remark. For example:

• “When you say that, I feel criticized.”

• “That comment makes me feel minimized.”

Helping someone see how their sarcasm feels—without attacking them—can sometimes prompt reflection. And you can assert that yes, you can take a joke, when it’s truly a joke and not veiled hostility.

Healthier Ways to Communicate Without Sarcasm

Remember that you are entitled to feel discomfort when someone directs sarcasm at you. Sarcasm is not clever wordplay—true wit is clever wordplay.

If you find yourself leaning on sarcasm, consider what you’re really trying to communicate. Could you say it more directly? Or would it be kinder left unsaid? If you hear someone describe “biting sarcasm” as a high art, remember: the “bite” is often what makes it hurt.

When to Seek Professional Support

If sarcasm is creating tension, misunderstandings, or emotional distance in your personal or professional relationships, a therapist can help you address communication patterns and develop healthier habits. Therapy provides a safe space to explore what’s beneath sarcasm—whether in yourself or in others—and to strengthen trust in your connections.

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

• How do you help clients address sarcasm in relationships?

• What strategies can I use to communicate more directly?

• How can I set boundaries when sarcasm makes me uncomfortable?

• What are the signs that my communication habits are improving?

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. If sarcasm or passive-aggressive communication is affecting your relationships, you do not have to navigate the challenges alone. A compassionate therapist can help you build healthier communication habits and strengthen your connections. You can find a qualified therapist here through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

The role of video games (particularly violent ones) in aggression is an ongoing subject of scientific debate. Most research has focused on the effects of video games on children and adolescents. A new study published in Molecular Psychology analyzes how video games affect adults. The study found daily play of violent video games is not linked to long-term aggression in adults.

According to the study’s authors, these findings contradict the 2015 American Psychological Association (APA) report on video games. The APA review found a link between violent video games and increased aggression. Yet many critics argued the report was based on flawed research and a poor understanding of the role video games have in the lives of young people.

Research published in 2016 suggests parents and kids can benefit from playing video games together. A 2018 study found violent video games do not prime for aggressive behavior.

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The Long-Term Effects of Violent Video Games

Many previous studies suggest violent video games may temporarily make people more aggressive. These studies have mostly looked at the minutes immediately following a play session. To significantly increase the risk of violent behavior, video games would need to produce longer-lasting effects.

To weigh the long-term effects of violent gameplay, researchers analyzed 77 participants. The average participant age was 28. About half of recruits were female. While participants knew the study was about video games, they did not know what researchers were testing.

The study’s authors divided the participants into three groups. Twenty-five recruits played Grand Theft Auto V each day for two months. Critics have long argued that Grand Theft Auto is too violent and that the violence is too realistic. Twenty-four participants played The Sims 3 daily for two months. The Sims is a simulation game that contains little or no violence. Twenty-eight participants played no video games for two months.

Before the two-month period, researchers administered 208 tests. These tests measured psychological factors such as anxiety, impulse control, aggression, and empathy. At the end of the play period, the team repeated the tests. The analysis controlled for sex and age, since research suggests these factors can influence aggression.

Three of the 208 tests showed changes that might result in more aggression. The study’s authors dismiss these changes as coincidental. Overall, they found no significant changes in aggression between groups. In fact, they found no changes in any of the tested variables.

The researchers found no connection between violent games and aggression. Nor were these games linked to decreased empathy or impulse control. The study challenges the notion that violent video games cause lasting psychological harm.

References:

1. Daily dose of violent video games has no long-term effect on adult aggression, researchers find. (2018, March 14). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180314102008.htm
2. Kuhn, S., Kugler, D. T., Schmalen, K., Weichenberger, M., Witt, C., & Gallinat, J. (2018). Does playing violent video games cause aggression? A longitudinal intervention study. Molecular Psychiatry. Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-018-0031-7

We are doing something wrong.  When thinking of the recent school and mass shootings, whether I’m considering the issue of gun control, mental health awareness, or any other related topic, one thing stands out to me more than anything else: socialization.

How Toxic Masculinity Develops

While I agree we need to evaluate (or re-evaluate) many issues that may contribute to tragedies like the Parkland shooting, one thing likely to contribute to a major generational shift is the way we parent our boys. I am not saying there have not been female school shooters, but no one can deny the staggering difference in the number of male school shooters vs. female.

As a social worker trained in child development, certain trends stand out to me when reading about school shootings. Most school shootings in America are perpetrated by young males. It is common for shooters to have a history of abusing others or of experiencing abuse themselves. They often have a sense of entitlement to specific people (usually female peers) or the attention of a group (again, usually female peers).  Another common trend is a desire for retribution and revenge against those who they feel have wronged them. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

My professional opinion is that not all of this phenomenon can be attributed to the way our culture socializes boys—but a lot of it can be. Men in America are generally raised to embody the masculine ideals of Western culture. They are encouraged to be strong and tough. They are told they should always be willing to fight for themselves, their loved ones, and their beliefs. The problem here is not the idea of masculinity, but how we encourage our boys to follow these ideals.

We are damaging our children. We are teaching our sons and daughters that women are weaker and that emotions are a sign of that weakness.

My office overlooks a playground, so I can often hear what is going on in the microcosm below. My attention is frequently caught by disagreements between children. Let’s say someone took a toy out of a child’s hand. The girls will often cry, run to an adult for help, or let the toy theft happen while disappointedly moving on to something else. Sure, some girls are stronger advocates for themselves and will take the toy back, but often they do not. On the other hand, the boys will typically follow their peer, steal the toy back, and continue playing. Sometimes when one boy hits or smacks another, the original victim of the action will return the hit with equal or greater aggression. Again, this is not true for all boys. But most of the time, this is the type of interaction that will play out.

I see how this type of socialization begins both in my office and out in the world. As a society, we can unintentionally instill gender roles into our children through positively reinforcing certain behaviors. Girls are often encouraged to show gentleness and compassion. We often urge our boys to stifle their healthy emotions to avoid appearing weak (or by implication, feminine).

When boys experience bullying, they are typically taught not to cry or talk it out. Instead, we usually teach them to fight back and prove their manhood to those who challenged them. Sure, self-defense is appropriate in certain situations, but I have found we disproportionately encourage our sons to prove their toughness. I rarely see parents validate their sons’ emotional experiences or encourage boys to be in touch with their feelings.

Redefining Masculinity

We are damaging our children by teaching them that women are weaker and that emotions are a sign of that weakness. As teens, boys are socialized by their peers to view their value and sense of self in terms of how many sexual partners they have, how much weight they can lift, how many beers they can drink, and whether they can finish a fight. As adults, men are often encouraged to be aggressive in the boardroom so they are not seen as pushovers. Meanwhile, women with the same aggressive attributes may be shamed and belittled by coworkers for their “nastiness.”

We need to foster empathy and destigmatize sensitivity in men.

This is where we as a culture and a country need to step up and do right by our children, especially our boys. We need to foster empathy and destigmatize sensitivity in men. (Better yet, let’s validate the feelings of all children, regardless of their gender.) We should allow our boys to cry without making them feel as if they are weak or less worthy of respect when they do. Instead, let’s praise our children for showing their emotions and encourage them to see the strength that comes from doing so. If we work to impart this altered view of masculinity, our sons may not be so quick to hit back when insulted, may not start rumors about girls who reject them, and may not pick up a weapon to punish those who they perceived have done them wrong.

If you have a child who is displaying aggression, or if you would like to look deeper into how gender roles affect your own behavior, therapy can help. You can find a therapist who specializes in aggression, child development, men’s issues, or any other relevant concern.

References:

1. Larkin, R. W. (2011). Masculinity, school shooters, and the control of violence. In W. Heitmeyer, H. Haupt, S. Malthaner, & A. Kirschner (Eds.), Control of violence: Historical and international perspectives on violence in modern societies, (pp. 315–344). New York, NY: Springer.
2. A study of active shooter incidents, 2000 – 2013. (2013, September 16). U.S. Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.fbi.gov/file-repository/active-shooter-study-2000-2013-1.pdf/view

School shooters may feel unable to live up to their school’s masculine norms, according to a study published in the journal Gender Issues. All 29 of the shootings the study identified involved male shooters. Insecurity and family difficulties figured prominently in the shooters’ history.

Some analysts have argued that pressure to conform to a masculine ideal that involves dominance and control plays a role in mass shootings. Dubbed “toxic masculinity,” this phenomenon might explain why the overwhelming majority of spree killers are men. This study found boys who were labeled with feminine epithets and shunned by their peers were more likely to engage in shootings—perhaps in an attempt to regain control or feel more masculine.

The Link Between Gender Role Pressure and School Shootings

The study included data from all identifiable school shootings committed between 1995-2005 in the United States. The data included 29 shootings, and 31 shooters. The study, which highlighted previous research emphasizing the role of masculine norms of violence in school shootings, sought to identify characteristics that school shooters might share. [fat_widget_right]

According to the study, previous research has found that boys who engage in school shootings are more likely to experience emasculating bullying, such as being called gendered or homophobic epithets. They often explore violent themes in their writing and recreational activities, idealize violent figures, are excessively interested in guns, and come from families that own guns. Many told a classmate of a plan to engage in violence. In most cases, at least one adult said the shooter had engaged in aggressive misbehavior such as fighting or threatening another student.

All 31 of the shooters in the study had been the subject of emasculating bullying. They all showed some signs of rejection and marginalization, such as being rejected by a girlfriend or having few friends.

Ten of the shooters had previously been diagnosed with a mental health condition, and 10 others grew up in abusive homes. The other 11 boys had a history of reacting aggressively when they felt humiliated.

School Shootings: A Product of Toxic Masculinity?

In adolescence, conforming to male stereotypes—being tough, heterosexual, and “cool”–is often a major predictor of whether a boy will fit in with his peers. Boys who feel they cannot live up to this standard may react violently. They may also face rejection and seek revenge in a way that confirms their masculine identity.

Stopping School Shootings

Kathryn Farr, the author of the study, believes ongoing discussions about gender and gender role pressure could help prevent school shootings. She also urges schools to work to identify boys struggling with masculinity. Talking to students about school shootings may also be a helpful step, as shooters often tell others of their plans to engage in violence. If students know this, they may be more likely to tell an authority figure about threats of violence.

References:

Farr, K. (2017). Adolescent rampage school shootings: Responses to failing masculinity performances by already-troubled boys. Gender Issues. doi:10.1007/s12147-017-9203-z

In the wake of terror attacks and acts of violence around the world—such as the white supremacy demonstrations in Charlottesville, Virginia, that led a man to plough a vehicle into a crowd of counter-protesters, killing a woman—many parents may be unsure how to talk to their children about the news.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers parents several tips. The discussion, the organization says, should begin by asking children what they already know. Parents should offer encouragement and reassurance, maintain a consistent routine, and shield young children from graphic images of violence. They should also monitor children for signs of depression and trauma, such as sleep, behavioral issues, and changes in eating habits.

Many want to talk with their children about race in a way that raises a child’s consciousness without being frightening. Most experts emphasize the need to be honest in an age-appropriate way. Parents must also explore their own feelings about race and racism before attempting to educate their children. Like other challenging conversations, ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. Rather than having one conversation, parents should begin as early as possible, have frequent discussions, and maintain open lines of communication.

The Psychology of the Eclipse: ‘You Just Feel Connected With Everybody’

[fat_widget_right]As excitement about Monday’s solar eclipse increases, some mental health experts say the eclipse can foster a connection. Experiencing something out of the ordinary can break down the usual barriers to connection, fostering a sense of unity and closeness—even with strangers.

Some Companies Want You to Take a Mental Health Day

A mental health day can be as important for good health and job satisfaction as sick leave. Yet, many workers are reluctant to tell their managers they need one. Some companies now encourage employees to take mental health days, citing increases in productivity and job satisfaction among employees with good mental health.

What’s Worse Than Being Unemployed? A Bad Job, Say Researchers

Many workers think long-term unemployment is the most stressful job experience they can have. According to new research, however, staying in a bad job might be worse. Researchers followed people who were unemployed during 2009 and 2010. Those who took “poor quality work” had higher stress levels than those who remained jobless.

Rand Study Recommends Improvements to Mental Health Care for Service Members

A new Rand Corporation study suggests lack of access to quality mental health care remains an issue for current and former soldiers. The study, which surveyed 520 providers, found less than half were able to see people with depression or posttraumatic stress (PTSD) weekly. Instead, they saw these people biweekly or less. This suggests soldiers may not get the consistent care they need to see improvements in mental health.

How White Supremacists Use Victimhood to Recruit

Research on white supremacist groups suggest their members see themselves—not the minority groups they target—as the real victims. They believe white people are the real targets for systemic oppression. In other words, they are prevented from expressing their “white pride,” their victimization erodes self-esteem, and the ongoing victimization of white groups is part of a plan to eliminate the white “race.”

Now, Manage Your Mental Health and Chronic Conditions With an App

A new smartphone app promises to help middle-age and older adults manage their physical and mental health. The app, which is designed to meet the average technical abilities of older adults, involves three months of training in 10 sessions. The sessions cover health topics such as stress, medication and substance abuse, and the role of mental health in physical health.

People are generally entitled to access their medical records, including progress notes made by mental health providers to document the progress of treatment. Increased use of online progress notes makes it easier than ever for people to access their mental health records. A small study published in the journal Psychiatric Services suggests these records can both strengthen and harm the relationship between mental health provider and the person in therapy.

Researchers followed 28 people seeking treatment for mental health conditions at the Veterans Affairs (VA) Portland Health Care System in Oregon. Each participant answered interview questions about their reaction to provider progress notes. When records were consistent with what happened in treatment sessions, when notes indicated that providers listened, and when providers openly discussed diagnoses, participants expressed positive feelings about their providers and their medical records.

However, some components of progress notes eroded the relationship. Information gaps, incorrect information, and outdated treatment details were common sources of frustration. Some people said their records contained diagnoses their providers never discussed with them, significantly decreasing trust.

They study’s authors suggest their research provides important clues about how mental health providers can use progress notes and in-session discussions to strengthen their relationships with people in therapy.

Feeling Burned Out at Work? Join the Club

[fat_widget_right]Burnout at work is increasingly common, significantly affecting performance and morale. Most companies are ill-equipped to treat worker burnout. Moreover, issues with company culture—such as job insecurity and pressure to continually do more while working with less—can cause or worsen burnout.

Scientists Test Deep Brain Stimulation as Potential Anorexia Therapy

Deep brain stimulation, which uses electrodes to electrically stimulate the brain, may reduce symptoms of anorexia nervosa, according to a small pilot study of 16 people. Participants’ body mass index (BMI) increased an average of 3.5 points during the study, and some experienced a reduction in anxiety and depression.

Chicago Leaders Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Combat Violent Crime

A violent crime wave in Chicago has sparked international media coverage, with 812 people murdered last year alone. A cognitive behavioral therapy program that supports social skills, encourages trust, and offers healthy outlets for anger and aggression is trying to tackle the crime wave by improving the well-being of Chicago’s at-risk teen boys.

Researchers See Promise in Light Therapy to Treat Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is an intractable and complex issue, affecting as many as 100 million Americans. Many people with chronic pain turn to opioids to manage symptoms, but these drugs can be addictive and are not always effective. New research suggests light therapy might offer relief. Researchers still are not sure how this nonpharmacological remedy works, but they say it does appear to reduce symptoms.

Stressed by Success, a Top Restaurant Turns to Therapy

El Celler de Can Roca consistently ranks among the world’s top restaurants. The competitive restaurant world can be stressful, but the dining establishment’s owners have found a novel way to cope. Weekly staff sessions with an on-site psychologist offer a chance to blow off steam and discuss challenging emotions.

Schools Strained by Kids’ Mental Health Woes

In Wisconsin alone, 175,000 students have an undiagnosed mental health condition. These unmet mental health needs, which are often the product of traumatic experiences or chaotic home lives, can strain school resources.

People who feel rejected may engage in retaliatory aggression, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The findings also showed exacting revenge can improve mood.

Many people who feel they have been wronged experience a natural desire for revenge as a way to seek justice. Understanding which experiences trigger a need for vengeance could help reduce violence and interpersonal cruelty.

Revenge: Pleasurable and Triggered by Rejection

The study sought to explore how rejection affects the desire for revenge. Previous research has found a link between seeking revenge and a desire for status and power. The new study supports previous findings, pointing to a role for revenge as a coping mechanism to avoid shame.

Researchers conducted six trials on 1,516 participants. In one study, 154 students took a placebo pill. Researchers told them it would make their mood stable and unchanging. The students then played a computer game in which they passed a ball back and forth with two other “players,” who were pre-programmed computer responses.

[fat_widget_right]One group was rejected by the other “players.” Compared to a group that received 15 of 30 passes, the rejection group received just three passes. Investigators asked participants to rate their rejection. Participants then had a chance to retaliate during a race to hit a buzzer. Faster participants could punish the slowest participant with a loud blast of noise. The loudest blast went up to 105 decibels—similar to the volume of a jackhammer.

To improve their mood, rejected players elected to expose other players to louder sound blasts. The rejected players who received the placebo pill believed nothing they did would improve their mood, so they predicted no benefit to seeking revenge. This trial also supports the notion that people seek revenge to feel better.

The study’s authors highlight the clear correlation in the trials between rejection and aggression, as well as a link between revenge and the desire to return to a more stable mood.

References:

1. Borreli, L. (2017, January 11). Why looking for revenge feels so good. Retrieved from http://www.medicaldaily.com/looking-revenge-soothes-social-rejection-bad-mood-complicated-psychology-why-408310
2. Chester, D. S., & Dewall, C. N. (2016). Combating the sting of rejection with the pleasure of revenge: A new look at how emotion shapes aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/pspi0000080

Preschool-age children who frequently engage with superhero culture—by watching superhero movies or dressing like superheroes—may be more likely to behave aggressively, according to a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology.

In movies and comics, superheroes are often defenders of the underdog. Parents may turn to superhero culture to encourage children to stand up to bullies. According to the study, this choice may be misguided. Findings showed children who invested in superhero culture were not more likely than their peers to stand up for bullied children, but they were more likely to act aggressively in general.

Does Superhero Culture Make Children Aggressive?

Researchers interviewed 240 preschoolers and their parents. Forty-nine percent of the participating children were male, and 51% were female.

Parents answered questions about their children’s engagement with superhero culture, including how frequently they watched superhero shows and whether they identified with superheroes. Parents also provided data about their children’s behavior. Interviewers asked the children to identify 10 superheroes. The children also identified their favorite superhero and explained why they chose that character.

[fat_widget_right]Children were more likely to list superhero merchandise (26%) than interpersonal characteristics (20%) as justification for liking a particular superhero. Ten percent of children who pointed to a superhero’s characteristics highlighted their defending skills, and 20% specifically listed superhero violence. Seventy percent listed non-violent characteristics, such as a superhero’s strength or skills.

A year after the initial analysis of a child’s identification with superhero culture, researchers assessed children’s aggression based on parental reports. Children who identified with superheroes were more likely to be relationally and physically aggressive. Compared to peers who were less invested in superheroes, the children did not show more prosocial behavior such as defending children against bullies.

Understanding the Effects of Superhero Culture

The study did not directly assess why children who like superheroes tend to exhibit more aggressive behavior, and did not establish a clear causal connection. However, its authors hypothesize that the complexity of superhero narratives might partially explain the violence. Superhero stories are often complex, but preschoolers may not understand the complexities behind the violence or aggression they witness. As a result, they may latch onto violence as the dominant theme of superhero narratives.

The study’s authors do not recommend forbidding access to superheroes. They suggest instead that parents adopt a moderate approach, finding ways to focus on more positive aspects of superhero culture and encouraging children to develop a wide range of interests.

References:

1. Coyne, S. M., Stockdale, L., Linder, J. R., Nelson, D. A., Collier, K. M., & Essig, L. W. (2017). Pow! Boom! Kablam! Effects of viewing superhero programs on aggressive, prosocial, and defending behaviors in preschool children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. doi:10.1007/s10802-016-0253-6
2. Superhero culture magnifies aggressive, not defending behaviors. (2017, January 11). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/01/170111131122.htm

Stalking. The word alone inspires fear and anxiety in many people. For those of us who have experienced it, it may conjure painful images we never stop seeing, no matter how hard we try.

Although the term is used far too casually in some parts of our society, stalking, as defined, is serious stuff. A crime in many jurisdictions, it generally involves unwanted or obsessive attention, following, harassing, or monitoring behavior that might cause a reasonable person to experience fear.

One out of every six women is stalked in her lifetime, according to data compiled by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Men are stalked too, of course, but much less frequently (one in 19).

I’ve been stalked three times.

The first time it happened, I was around 21 years old. It was 11 at night, I was walking home from a friend’s house, and I noticed someone was following me in a car. This was in the suburbs, and there was no one else out on the street. At first I thought maybe it was my imagination, so I turned up a one-way street going the wrong direction for the driver, expecting him to continue on his way and not follow me. He followed me anyway, and that’s when I knew I was in trouble. Then he got out of his car and exposed himself.

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I ran to the nearest house with lights on and began ringing the doorbell and knocking. The man drove away. Then I realized no one was home in the house I had chosen as my refuge—or maybe they just didn’t want to answer. I hid, cowering on the stoop, and looked around carefully. Finally, when I thought it was safe, I fled.

When I was in my early 30s I was stalked again. Although I wasn’t threatened physically, I was tormented for several months and was left terrified for a long time.

I lived in an apartment house. My apartment was opposite the service stairs, and sometimes I thought I saw someone hiding in the stairwell near the door to my apartment, watching. This happened repeatedly, but I never actually saw anyone’s face—just a disappearing shadow. I almost didn’t believe there was anyone there; the first time, I wondered if it was my imagination. I told my husband, but he never saw anybody and thought it was nothing to worry about.

Then a man got hold of my phone number somehow and called me repeatedly for months. This was the same guy who hung out in the stairwell, I figured. For me, this was confirmation he was real; this was not my imagination. I almost wasn’t sure if that made things better or worse. The only thing I was sure about was I was petrified.

I was often home alone with my new baby at that time. The man phoned repeatedly and seemed to know my every move. I was afraid to leave the house and afraid to stay home, too. I was scared to answer the phone. I told my husband again, but nothing ever happened when he was home. I felt like he didn’t take my fears seriously, and I was so scared. He suggested maybe it was just a lot of wrong numbers. Was I exaggerating?

I wasn’t sleeping much because I had a new baby, and on top of that, now I was too scared to sleep. Every time I sat down to relax, the phone rang, and there was nothing I could do but endure—I could never let my guard down. I started having nightmares.

Sometimes a man with a disguised voice phoned to say nasty things. Other times, I just heard someone breathing. It went on and on, and finally my husband started to worry, too. Once, he intercepted one of the nasty calls and told the guy off, but the calls went on anyway. This was in the time before phone numbers came up when you were called, before you could block specific numbers. I was being tortured, and it felt like it would last forever with no way out. I began feeling helpless and weak. I got very depressed. How could I protect my baby if I couldn’t defend myself?

I contacted the police. The phone company put a tap on my phone, but the person never stayed on long enough to make an ID. A police officer advised me to buy a whistle, and when the person phoned the officer told me to answer the call with a piercing blast of the whistle. That was okay with me. I wanted to blow this guy’s eardrums out! I wanted to cause him as much pain as he was causing me. I wanted revenge. But most of all, I just wanted him to leave me and my baby alone.

Even if you’ve never been physically hurt, the emotional disturbance of knowing someone is out there watching, listening to, or otherwise intending to scare or intimidate you is dreadful, especially if you think you’re trapped and can’t do anything.

The whistle worked. He stopped calling. I wondered who he was, of course, and eventually I found out the person stalking me was my neighbor, somebody I used to smile at and say, “Have a nice day!” to when we bumped into each other in the elevator. He lived two doors away from me.

That all ended a long time ago, but I still always check to make sure that the door to the service stairwell in front of my apartment is securely closed.

Just recently, someone stalked me on the message app on my phone. I’ve blocked that person—one benefit of technology, though there are downsides, too, that allow for cyberstalking.

Some of the people I see in therapy have also been stalked and badly frightened, like I was. One young woman got extra locks put on her door after she broke up with her boyfriend. He called her repeatedly, as often as 20 times a day, and lurked on the street near where she lived. She gave his contact information to her sister and to a friend and instructed them to go to the police if something happened to her—and made sure her ex knew it.

Even if you’ve never been physically hurt, the emotional disturbance of knowing someone is out there watching, listening to, or otherwise intending to scare or intimidate you is dreadful, especially if you think you’re trapped and can’t do anything. Except for a situation like the first one, where I believed I was in immediate physical danger, authorities advise people not to try stopping stalking behavior by themselves, as that could provoke the person to get more aggressive and violent.

They have a point. I’m scared just thinking about the idea. But while I hope this article doesn’t provoke anybody, I won’t be scared into silence. People who stalk tend to try to bully their targets into silence so they can continue their harmful and potentially criminal actions.

What to Do If You Are Stalked

If you believe you are being stalked, the U.S. Department of Justice advises you to trust your instincts and take the behavior seriously.

• Your first duty is to protect yourself. If you’re in immediate danger, call the police. Do what you need to do to find safety while you await help: run away, make a lot of noise, or otherwise try to let others know what is going on.
• Keep a record of what is happening and when, especially if the situation is ongoing. Save any evidence you have—emails, messages, physical items.
• If you feel comfortable doing so, connect with an advocacy organization that can support you and walk you through your options. One such outlet is the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.
• Experiencing stalking can be quite traumatic, and it can be particularly helpful to seek the support of a mental health professional who works with trauma and domestic violence cases. Some of us know what you’re going through, at least to some extent. Regardless, expect us to do everything we can to help you get what you need so you can feel safe again and heal.

References:

1. National intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2010 summary report. (2010). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_executive_summary-a.pdf
2. Stalking. (2016, January 6). The United States Department of Justice. Retrieved from https://www.justice.gov/ovw/stalking

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My 5-year-old is a generally happy and sweet kid, but I have been noticing lately that her play can get pretty violent. She can be aggressive sometimes and say things like, “Let’s pretend to punch each other.” When we play together, she wants there to be “good guys” and “bad guys” and have them fight—and sometimes kill—each other. She builds guns and other weapons with Legos and uses them to have fights with her toys, gleefully informing me when one or another of her toys “dies.”

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Her dad and I don’t let her watch violent shows, so I don’t know where she is getting this—from other kids at school or from watching shows at her grandparents’ house, maybe? I’m worried whatever exposure she’s getting to weapons and violence is going to be harmful. I’ve tried to talk with her about it, but I’m not sure I’m using the right words. It’s really difficult for me to hear her play-act violence without saying anything, but I don’t want her to think she’s being “bad,” because I know she isn’t. How can I talk to her about this? —Puzzled Parent

Dear Puzzled Parent,

As a therapist, I want to let you know that this experience is common, and, actually, developmentally appropriate. As a parent, however, I remember being concerned myself when my happy (sheltered) kid started playing in this way. It may be that your daughter is hearing or watching kids on the playground, or perhaps has seen shows, but often it is hard to pinpoint a specific source of inspiration. Many kids, at some point, explore themes of aggression, violence, and death through their play.

I think in all of this it can be helpful to remember the true function of play. Children play to explore their world, to experience in fantasy things they might not experience in real life, and to try things out safely. It is not unusual for kids, particularly rule-following kids, to embrace the role of “bad guy” in their play. For young children who are not often in control of their world, what greater relief and excitement is there than to play-act as the ultimate rule-breakers? Also, children are naturally curious about life and death and how everything works. Play-acting the death of their toys is one way they process safely any fears or concerns they might have or try to make a big concept feel controllable.

The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.

There’s also a somewhat innate destructive urge that can be seen in any toddler on a beach relishing their demolition of a sand castle. The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.

You are right not to want her to think she is being “bad” by engaging in this play. One helpful approach is to express curiosity. For example, you might ask her why she wants to pretend to “punch each other.” You can engage in some complicated, choreographed, slow-motion “fights” that could actually be fun and enjoyable for both of you, while talking with her about why you would never actually harm each other in real life. You can also ask her what happens to a toy when it “dies” and explore her understanding of what that means. Asking her to tell you what it means to be a “bad guy” or a “good guy” can give you some insight into her developing sense of morality—and even if she chooses to be the “bad guy” in play, that doesn’t mean she actually embraces the dark side.

It is natural as a parent to worry about all that our children will be exposed to when they are not in our care, and yet, as they get older, more and more of their time will be spent beyond the walls of our homes. We can’t prevent them from hearing and seeing things we might not like. What we can do is equip them to handle their experiences. Ongoing conversations about what we believe is important, how we believe we should treat people, and what impact our words and actions have on others around us can help our children navigate the various messages they receive.

If your child remains generally happy, sweet, loving, and able to express empathy, it is likely she is using this play in healthy, developmentally appropriate ways. It is also likely a phase that will pass. If, however, you see some concerning behaviors going beyond the scope of play, you may want to consult with a child therapist to address those concerns. Your child’s teacher can also be a great source of information about how your daughter’s behavior at school compares with what you see at home, as well putting it in context with the other 5-year-olds in her school.

Best of luck,

Erika

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I figured it was time to write in with this question since I just got out of my car shaking with anger for the third time this week. I’m not sure whether my luck is worse than most when it comes to near-accidents and inconsiderate drivers on the road, whether I deal with these instances worse than most, or what.

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Obviously, I think I’m a great driver. But everyone thinks that. To me, it feels like I get cut off in traffic all the time, people honk at me when I’m doing perfectly reasonable things and obeying the law, and I’m usually very considerate when it comes to people merging, etc. But I find myself yelling at other cars and drivers multiple times a day, flipping people off, and having strong emotional reactions to other people’s behaviors on the road. I can’t arrive anywhere without feeling anxious and very angry. I’m willing to admit I dish it out, to some extent, but it still feels like the bulk of the injustice is done to me.

I know you can’t help other people (or me) become better at driving, but can you help me figure out how to get from point A to point B without seething and compromising the health and safety of myself and anyone around me? —Driving Me Mad

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Dear Driving,

Oh, so you’re the one who flipped me off yesterday?

I’m kidding. I also would agree with your assessment that, yes, most drivers (myself included) seem to think their driving is just fine and it’s all the other bozos on the road who need to get it together. You’re not the only one muttering, “Hurry up, slowpoke!” … and so on. In that sense you are not alone, especially should you live in (or ever visit) a major metropolitan area such as Los Angeles, the Bay Area, Boston, Seattle, or Washington, D.C., all with notorious commutes.

I could not presume to tell you what, exactly, is at the root of your so-called “road rage,” but I think it’s a good thing you’re addressing it. All of us get irate from time to time, but this sounds like it could be escalating and ought to be curbed somehow, lest you get so distracted you end up in an accident or an altercation with another driver. It also might be affecting your blood pressure, digestive system, and so forth. A surplus of stress always takes its toll.

One facet of your letter has to do with, to my ears, control or lack thereof. We are of course powerless over other drivers, though it’s easy to forget that when we’re sitting in our cars, in our own little bubble of comfort. It can be jarring, even scary, to sense chaos threatening that bubble, with other drivers following very different rules and protocols, or appearing to not give a damn about anyone else. Sometimes it seems every driver (except us, of course) has the attitude of “Me first, out of my way!” So it goes in the age of the selfie.

Combine this with our typical American individualism, our assumption of a right to “do things my way,” and our ever-expanding demand for speed and you get a prevailing ethos of anxious impatience and jitteriness. As one billboard for a smartphone recently declared, “It really is all about you.”

But look a little closer and I think you’ll find that anxiety, even existential dread, is a subtly unacknowledged factor behind much of this. It may sound like a stretch, but hear me out.

Driving is a quintessentially American activity, and our sense of community has shrunk so much that, in a way, our freeways and highways are some of our last shared public spaces. But we seem to have lost, in many ways, even this fleeting sense of “shared” space; all of it seems to have morphed, at least in part, into “my space.” Stop by your local Starbucks and what do you see? Everyone doing their own thing with their personalized headphones, laptops, or smartphone screens, tuning out the world. We crave a comforting bubble within which to operate, free from intrusion, the borders of which are under our control. This may be a kind of bulwark against chaos, a way of self-soothing our era’s growing uncertainty, where the rules of engagement (see our current national election) seem as undefined and disorderly as ever.

At the same time, most people I know feel enormous pressure to perform in a variety of ways: as a student, parent, worker, partner, all or some of the above. Strangely, the need for speed has only ratcheted up the pressure on expectation for faster, more. Some of us have more than one job while juggling big payments and debts. Our economy is now globally competitive. Thus our bubbles of comfort—within our cars, homes, and laptops—may become a way of soothing the terror of not being productive or inventive enough in an ever-more-fierce, demanding, chaotic world.

I’m sensing a deeper fear or resentment against having to make these hazardous journeys, without proper protection, almost like a child being sent into a school full of bullies, without anyone realizing what hazards you’re actually facing.

One senses this on the road, where there is anxiety about feeling blocked or treated as insignificant, or aggressively affronted by a stranger; one Buddhist author I admire, Chögyam Trungpa, said speed is equivalent to aggression. I might tweak that a little to say assertion, as a defense against anyone intruding on “my space,” or the equally unsettling prospect of feeling insignificant or intruded upon (“This is my road, not yours”).

Thus you might develop compassion for the situation as a whole, including your own anxiety—make space “around it,” as it were, as anxiety is basically fear. I often find the outside world becomes a reflection of our own internal state. (Pema Chödrön writes nicely about this in her books.)

Finally, there seems to be an almost childlike terror in your message, a fear of loss of control, of frightening or sudden intrusion. I don’t think one has to take a strictly Freudian interpretation toward “They cut me off!” as (literal) castration anxiety. Though perhaps there is a symbolic fear on your part along the lines of feeling disempowered, helpless, that takes the concrete form of anxious agitation and anger on the road.

My therapist’s ears perked up at the phrases “injustice” and “compromising health and safety.” My intuitive mind wants to link these two together and start to speculate on how such a compromise feels imposed upon you, whether you like it or not. I’m sensing a deeper fear or resentment against having to make these hazardous journeys, without proper protection, almost like a child being sent into a school full of bullies, without anyone realizing what hazards you’re actually facing. What, in other words, is the larger or broader emotional context of your life? It can be easier to be angry at faceless drivers than those closest to us, loved ones or family; is it possible these rude drivers (and there are many) are not the only ones you’re resenting? If this is the case, why? What is making you angry or anxious in your other situations—at home, at work, with family, and so on? (Anger is usually the “first line of defense” atop deeper emotions.)

I sense, in other words, a more personal injustice being felt by you, one that is coming out behind the wheel. You might confide in a counselor to release some of whatever angry or hurtful emotions you might possibly be sitting on, maybe communicate them to the right people to help you with whatever feels burdening or imposing. Perhaps a counselor can help you figure out what these emotions are, as sometimes we genuinely don’t know, only that they keep popping up out of nowhere.

Most of all, allow some empathic space for yourself to be human. This is a more common problem than you might think, which is why I’m so glad you wrote in. More often than not we are, for all our hyper-individualization, in the same collective boat, trying to right said boat through choppy waters. Thanks again!

Kind regards,

Darren

Healthy anger requires self-awareness, open communication, and the ability to self-soothe. When you can clearly describe your thoughts and feelings, be open to alternative perspectives, and problem-solve, you keep your anger in check and promote intimacy in relationships. On the other hand, if your anger feels out of your control, makes you “see red,” or even scares the people around you, you must develop a new way of expressing your anger.

Before you can rein in your anger, however, you must stop minimizing or justifying it. Look in the mirror and acknowledge your responsibility for your actions. Refrain from pointing the finger at others for setting you off or provoking you. Physical and verbal aggression never have a place in your relationships. There is always another option.

Once you have fully owned your anger, it is time to understand it. Explore the following aspects of your anger to learn more about its origin, its purpose, and how to address it.

1. How Long Has This Been Going On?

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Ask yourself if the way you manage your anger is new to your life or if it precedes your current situation. When you are honest with yourself, you may recognize a long-term pattern of losing your temper or expressing your anger in unhealthy ways. Perhaps you’ve always had a short fuse and taken your anger out on others. Perhaps you’ve taken your anger out on yourself through self-harm (substance abuse, self-injury, risk-taking, etc.). Allowing yourself to recognize the pattern will help you continue to take responsibility for your actions. You will have further evidence that something inside of you needs to heal.

If your anger does feel new, assess your life for anything unhealthy that impacts your behavior in a negative way. Substance abuse, toxic relationships, and recent trauma can all impact how you manage your anger. Traumatic brain injuries have also been known to alter personalities. Please be sure to address any emotional, situational, or medical factors that could be involved in learning to control your anger.

2. Is There a Cycle?

Use a diary or calendar to chart out when your angry episodes occur, their frequency, and what is going on in your life when they happen. Pay attention to the time between episodes, too. Describe your mood, physical sensations, stress level, and any events or interactions that take place on a daily basis. You might become aware of a gradual increase in tension or irritability that eventually builds up to an explosion. Be sure to note how you feel after an episode, identifying any remorse, shame, or even relief. This can help reinforce consequences of maintaining your angry behaviors and/or offer you valuable information regarding your stress-management needs.

When you tune into your daily experience, you will learn how your anger develops over time. You will gain a clearer picture of what triggers you; even small triggers add up! Even if your anger seems like it erupts quickly and without warning, there is usually something bubbling under the surface. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, a need to control your environment, or anxiety about your life situation can all lead to uncontrollable anger. The more you understand about what fuels your anger and how it progresses, the greater chance you have to address it with therapy, coping skills, or relaxation techniques.

3. Consider Your Family History

Who were your models of emotional expression? The way your parents or caregivers expressed feelings can influence how you recognize emotions and cope with them.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present.

In some families, anger is the only emotion expressed, which can limit your emotional vocabulary. Disappointment, hurt, and embarrassment can become confused with and communicated as anger. Your response to distress also depends highly on what you witnessed as a child. If you watched the important adults in your life act in aggressive or hurtful ways, you might learn to do the same.

Furthermore, families who struggle to experience the vast array of emotions may also struggle to accept and validate you for who you are. Long-lasting anger can develop when we have not been permitted to be ourselves and communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs openly.

4. Consider Your Personal History

Traumatic experiences of abuse, violence, or other life-threatening circumstances can create an unsafe view of the world and fuel a need to be on guard at all times. This kind of hypervigilance can make you interpret those around you as critical or deceptive, even when they have good or neutral intentions. You may also be justifiably angry at those who hurt you in your past; instead of healing those wounds, though, you take your pain out on those around you. It’s as if your current relationships are being asked to pay the penalty for crimes they did not commit.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present. You can live in the here-and-now with your loved ones, rather than reliving horrific experiences that no longer exist today. If it feels appropriate, you can learn to forgive those who hurt you, thereby letting go of the weight of the pain they caused you. You may also need to forgive yourself for any pain your anger caused the people you love.

Be kind and patient with yourself during this process, as it may reveal aspects of your life that are painful or uncomfortable. Seek support from a professional who is trained to assist you in your self-discovery. A therapist, meditation teacher, spiritual/religious advisor, etc., can help you learn valuable tools to heal past hurts, respond appropriately to a variety of emotions, and cope with the present-day experience of your anger.