By nature, humans are emotional creatures. When things are going well, you are likely to experience positive emotions that often lead to increased motivation and productivity. However, in times of hardship or stress, it can be challenging to leave negative feelings at home and keep them from impacting your work.

Whether you work in an office or from home, staying productive in times of personal crisis is no easy task. When a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, a pet passes away, or your partner loses a job, the added stress, grief, or anxiety can be distracting and sometimes even debilitating.

At some point, you may face a time when life stressors come up, and you may not be able to put your professional life on hold. Here are 11 tips to help you stay focused and remain productive in a time of personal crisis.

1. Adjust Your Schedule

In a time of crisis, you may need to adjust your schedule to accommodate personal matters. Time management is key to maintaining your professional life when your personal life requires more attention than usual.

Take a look at your schedule and see how you can adapt it. In medical situations, you may need to attend health appointments in the mornings and work later in the afternoon, or vice versa. Try to plan your day efficiently to maximize the value of the time you are able to put in at work. Consider scheduling your time in blocks with frequent breaks. Taking a break can help you reset and prevent emotional overwhelm.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for not performing as well as you think you should. Remember: you are human. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, anxious about a medical diagnosis, or stressed about some other personal matter, allow yourself to recognize your emotions as a normal part of the experience.

Feeling distracted or foggy during stressful times is not uncommon. It may take time to bounce back, so give yourself a break. Honor your feelings and do the best you can under the circumstances. Praise yourself for what you do manage to accomplish rather than feeling frustrated by any difficulties you may be experiencing.

Amy Armstrong, LPC, suggests embracing difficult emotions rather than suppressing them.

“For many of us, it’s tempting to tamp down those unpleasant feelings and hide them. This usually just increases your stress levels,” Armstrong said. “Confide in friends you trust. Get professional or peer support, if you are comfortable with that. Go for a run. Have a good cry. Most importantly: feel what you need to feel and let it out. I’m not advising anyone to freely cry at their desk because that can be problematic in other ways, but it’s important to own your feelings and give yourself an outlet. If you can do it in a fairly controlled way, those emotions are less likely to just pop up in places where they are less helpful to you—like in the middle of a stressful meeting.

3. Share with Discernment

[fat_widget_right]When times are tough, talking about your situation can provide you with support and help you process your emotions. However, it is important to use discernment when sharing personal details.

Depending on your situation, you might be obligated to share some information with your supervisor, but you may want to be more cautious when sharing information with coworkers.

Ask yourself how sharing this information could impact the relationship and your personal situation. Do you work in the type of workplace that is friendly and open with personal concerns? Are you prepared to hear any advice or input your coworkers may have about your situation? How might telling your coworkers impact your performance at work?

In some instances, sharing your situation with your colleagues may make things easier for you. In others, it could become more challenging. Consider the effects and use discernment before you choose to share.

4. Practice Living in the Moment

Meditation and mindfulness practices can help you embrace the moment and find feelings of inner peace and acceptance even during the hardest of times. By practicing being present, you can prevent yourself from ruminating about your problems, dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. A daily meditation practice can help you to remain mindful and present at work and help you stay focused on the task at hand.

It may also be helpful to reframe your time at work as an escape from what is happening in your personal life. Focusing on another task can provide temporary relief from any turmoil or crisis you may be dealing with at home.

5. Use Your Support System

Sometimes it can be tough to ask for help from others, even when it is needed the most. If you are dealing with a crisis, it can be very difficult to stay productive without a solid support system. Seek out the people in your life who you can count on during times of hardship and reach out to them. Perhaps you need someone to take your child to school, prepare meals, clean the house, or just to listen to you. If you try to maintain everything on your own, you’re more likely to experience emotional overwhelm, which will not only increase your stress, but it can wind up making you less productive in the long run.

6. Prioritize and Delegate

Recognize that your productivity potential will likely be lower during times of crisis. So make the best use of the productivity you have by prioritizing your tasks. Create to-do lists and prioritize the most important tasks first.

“Even though it’s difficult, this is a time to be diligent about saying no to extra commitments to people in your personal and professional life,” Armstrong said. “You’ve gone the extra mile for others when they were having difficulties, and you can do so again, but this isn’t the time.”

Delegating tasks to others can also be helpful. Look to your co-workers for assistance when possible, rather than trying to conquer everything on your own.

7. Practice Self-Care

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever. Do your best to take good care of yourself. Remember to eat healthy foods, exercise, and take time to rest.

“Self-care during times of personal crisis is crucial,” Armstrong said. “Don’t skimp on things like sleep, baths, workouts, walks, massages, or just time spent kind of zoning out for 10 minutes. Taking the time to take care of yourself is the best investment you can make during difficult times. It helps you maintain your resilience (and your sense of humor) when you need it the most.”

8. Acknowledge Difficult Days

Remember you are human. You are allowed to feel emotions. Some days will be more difficult than others. There may be days when you don’t have the strength to get out of bed. Even when you’re trying so hard to focus on what’s important, some tasks may slip your mind, and that’s okay.

“Even though it may sound selfish and may seem like everyone says this, if you are going through a personal crisis, you need to make sure that you put yourself first and are honest about what you can and cannot do,” Armstrong said.

Don’t berate yourself for your feelings. Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions at the surface, knowing that everything passes in time.

9. Choose Positive Coping Skills

Stress often makes it easier to reach for a vice. Whether it’s smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, overspending, gambling, or some other addictive habit, everyone has weaknesses. While vices may relieve some stressful feelings immediately, they usually wind up making things worse and increasing stress over time.

Rather than engaging in a bad habit, use positive coping mechanisms to deal with your stress. These might include spending time with loved ones, exercising, eating a healthy and delicious meal, napping, meditating, trying a new hobby, or working on a creative activity.

10. Take Some Time Off

As much as you might want to be productive, sometimes it is necessary to take some time off to heal. If things get too challenging to maintain, use some of your vacation or sick days and take some time away from work.

Though Armstrong advocates for a combination of an improved self-care routine, increased exercise, and therapy, she suggests people do an honest self-assessment on how they’re coping with everything.

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever.“If you are seriously considering taking a leave of absence from work, talk to your doctor and mental health professional as soon as possible regarding appropriate documentation. Also, contact your Human Resources department regarding the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA),” Armstrong said. “Do not tell your manager or co-workers about your personal crisis. It may seem tempting, but if you are considering a leave of absence, it is crucial that all of your information remain confidential and that starts with you. Even the Human Resources department should only be provided with the minimum amount of documentation required to substantiate your request for leave, and all of that should come from medical professionals, not you. It’s important to remember this because even though nobody is supposed to press you for details, they often do.”

Armstrong suggests the best time to request a leave of absence is before a personal crisis starts to affect your work performance. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from your employer. Oftentimes, people will be willing to work with you to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Many people may feel guilty for missing work, but remember emotional crises can sometimes be as debilitating as physical illnesses, and some time off may be the best way to start the healing process.

11. See a Therapist or Attend a Support Group

Therapists and counselors play an important role in helping people cope with a crisis. Psychotherapy can help individuals assess their situation and create positive coping skills to manage their stress.

Support groups can also be a valuable means of support. They are widely available for those facing many different life challenges, from cancer to divorce to drug addiction. Whatever you’re dealing with, being able to talk with another person who can empathize with your situation can be helpful.

As a therapist, I hear the word “should” often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety, a precipitous drop in self-esteem, or a sudden crying jag: “I should be over this by now!”

What is it about “should” that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll try to answer those questions. I’ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that “should”-ing.

‘Shoulds’ as Aspirations and Values

Psychology thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the “ego ideal,” that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of “north star”—we can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.

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This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, “I should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.” In this example from my own life, the “should” came from a place of self-love and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those “shoulds” became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate myself with?

‘Shoulds’ as Self-Punishments

“I should have known better!”

“I shouldn’t have done that!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?

When we “should” ourselves in this way, it’s like saying, “You should be able to touch your north star—if you had paddled hard enough, you’d be there by now!” This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as “perfectionists.” In perfectionism, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their “ego ideal.” Sadly, self-criticism and varying levels of anxiety and depression usually ensue.

‘Shoulds’ in Relationships

“You should stand up for me!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible.

“You should know how I’m feeling!”

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, “You should be more like …” essentially translates to, “You should not be you!” If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don’t seem to like that.

What ‘Shoulds’ Can Distract Us From

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of “should” in our relationships with ourselves and others?

To me, “should” seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud would call a “denial by fantasy” (Freud, 1936). When we “should” ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things “should” be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life’s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger, and other mixed emotions.

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that “should” can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of “what should be,” we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.

If You Want Help with ‘Shoulds’

If you find your thinking dominated by “should,” try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life “should” be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with “shoulds.”

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into “shoulds.” If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your “shoulds,” I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life’s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you “should” be.

References:

1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. New York: International Universities Press.
3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition, 14: 73-102.

Couples who come to therapy typically hope for a renewed connection and deeper intimacy. Ideally, both partners are equally ready to be vulnerable and accountable. In the real world, though, one of you might be ready to dive deep into those emotional waters, while the other fears drowning. One of you is prepared to bear all, while the other feels dangerously exposed.

It’s common for partners to differ in their level of interest and openness to the therapy process. Depending on your presenting issues, your background, and any past therapy you’ve had, you and your partner may experience your therapy together very differently.

Maybe one of you has already done a great deal of internal work through individual therapy, spiritual exploration, or even self-help materials. Couples therapy seems like the logical next step because you want to use your personal healing to enrich your relationship. In some ways, the foundation you’ve built for yourself will be a great support to the work you and your partner will do together. Many times, you will enter into therapy with a great deal of patience and compassion to offer your partner as they try to meet you where you are. Perhaps your partner sees you as a model for where they want to be and uses that as motivation when therapy feels difficult or anxiety-provoking.

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At the same time, however, your differing stages of healing can bring about unexpected obstacles. If you’ve spent months or even years developing self-awareness, you’ve become accustomed to the language of emotions and to the discomfort involved in exploring the deeper, lesser known parts of the self. Perhaps you’ve confronted shame, anger, and fear and have successfully come out on the other side. You learned facing your pain reveals a stronger, more resilient sense of self. You know the benefits of the work, and you’re ready to keep going!

Your desire to hit the ground running, however, might set you up for disappointment and resentment. You might feel impatient or frustrated if you use your personal healing as a measuring stick for how your partner’s progress should look. Expecting that your health will engender health in your partner places unreasonable pressure on both of you. Don’t make yourself solely responsible for lifting your partner up; allow them to develop the self-efficacy that comes from doing their own hard work. Feel free to maintain your own progress without feeling tethered to theirs. Act as a witness to your partner’s work and acknowledge their efforts. Remember the courage it took for you to get where you are today, and offer compassion to encourage your partner to keep moving at their own pace.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development. Together, you can decide how to create a joint path to healing your relationship.

When you’re the one who has less experience with self-exploration, you face a different challenge. You might perceive your partner as soaring easily to newer heights of self-actualization, while you feel you are limping along, too far behind to catch up. Don’t judge yourself against your partner’s current experience of health. Your partner has been where you are right now. They have struggled to confront distressing emotions. They have felt discouraged when they couldn’t move forward with a new pattern of thought or behavior. And they have wanted to give up when fear or shame overwhelmed them.

Because self-improvement is an inside-out process, your partner’s growing pains might have been invisible to you. Imagine an iceberg; what we see on the surface of the water is nothing compared to the enormity of what exists underneath. Your partner’s comfort with introspection and emotional expression was hard-earned and the result of long-term, internal trial and error. Accept that you do need time, not necessarily to catch up to your partner, but to determine what the path to healing looks like for you.

If you’d like more time to prepare for the relational work, individual therapy is a great option. Sometimes it’s helpful to engage in both individual and couples therapy at the same time. Your couples therapist might even be able to offer a few individual sessions to acclimate you to the process and allow you to feel more comfortable.

At the end of the day, both of you need to feel you are working toward a common goal. Offer empathy and compassion to each other as you encounter deeper levels of intimacy. Give each other room to be vulnerable and authentic, offering acceptance and validation for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. No matter how far apart your healing processes seem to be, you can join together in couples therapy to create profound change. Your relationship can become a sanctuary—the place you both go to feel safe, connected, and finally at home.

When the uniquely challenging task of raising children is supported within the community, it benefits families and society as a whole. Given that communities are made up of diverse families, it would stand to reason those who care for children and provide opportunities for both parents and children to connect to others are stronger and higher functioning.

Given the demands they face and the futures they’re responsible for, all parents can benefit from support. The first step for parents in getting the support they need is to ask for it. However, many parents are at a loss as to where to look for support, and others may feel uncomfortable accepting support when it is offered. When parents receive the support they need, they’re likely to be more relaxed and healthier, set an example for their children that it is okay to ask for help, and show their kids the value in both helping and being helped.

The primary objective of community-based support programs for parents is to increase their capacity to develop the skills to acquire resources, a support network, and services. Community-based parent support programs and initiatives can have a direct impact on child behavior outcomes in that they enhance parents’ capabilities and efficacy, particularly when they are family-centered as opposed to professionally centered.

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Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life. Family-centered clinicians see themselves as facilitating parents in finding the resources and support they need. In my experience as a therapist working with families, parents who perceive themselves to be more competent have more positive interactions with their children, which I believe encourages children’s social and emotional development and has a positive impact on behavior.

Characteristics to look for in community-based parent support programs are a high degree of respect, high regard, compassionate support, family choice for intervention options, resources to make informed decisions, and access to supports that allow parents to nurture their children using techniques that create optimal outcomes.

Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life.

The way help is provided in these support programs can have a direct impact on their outcomes. Help should be provided using methods that promote parental self-efficacy and the ability to foster social and emotional development of children. Programs that function in a family-centered manner may increase parents’ sense of confidence and competence. Practices that elicit parents’ feedback on information they believe is important, and that actively solicit parental participation, also help to achieve this.

When parents are provided opportunities for personal growth, and to gain the knowledge and skills to perform in leader roles, parent leadership is fostered. Parent leadership is said to be successful when there is solid collaboration between parents and practitioners with a foundation of mutual respect, equal responsibility, expertise, and confidence in the decisions being made that impact their families and the greater community.

The benefits of these programs and initiatives aren’t limited to those being helped. Parents who get involved to provide support for other parents may feel a sense of pride and fulfillment in knowing they are making a difference while simultaneously promoting their own growth and development.

Some resources for finding and accessing community-based support programs for parents include:

• Parenting and family support organizations
• Local parenting groups and play groups
• Schools
• Babysitting clubs
• Libraries
• Government agencies (e.g., departments of human and health services)
• Family and friends

References:

1. Dunst, C.J., Trivette, C.M., & Hamby, D. W.(2006). Family support program quality and parent, family and child benefits. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
2. Dunst, C. J., Trivette, C. M., & Hamby, D. W. (2008). Research synthesis and meta-analysis of studies of family-centered practices. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
3. Kagan, S. L., Weissbourd, B., eds. (1994). Putting families first: America’s family support movement and the challenge of change. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
4. Layzer, J. I., Goodson, B. D., Bernstein, L., & Price, C. (2001). National evaluation of family support programs: Final report. Cambridge, MA: Abt Associates.

Satisfying relationships add grace, warmth, and richness to our lives. Some relationships are remarkably nourishing and easy, while others are challenging. Based on years of experience in helping people resolve and repair personal and role-related relationships, here are five tried-and-true practices.

1. Differentiate Reactions from Responses

In preparing for a challenging conversation, one effective practice is to discern whether your feelings about and actions toward the person in question have been reactions or responses. Awareness of the difference can change everything. A reaction consists of words or actions based on feelings or experiences from the past. A response is a comeback based in real time.

For example, my partner, in a neutral tone of voice, asked me if I had repaired the mailbox yet. Having felt criticized long ago for not doing enough, I reacted with a strong and sour emotional burst: “No. You think it’s not on my mind? You haven’t noticed I already have 100 urgent things on my list?” That reaction was obviously not helpful and could easily begin an escalation. A response would have been, “Nope. But it’s fixed enough to get by until I have more time. I haven’t forgotten it.” You can imagine how much better this would have gone over.

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As another example, someone in therapy showed me a letter she had gotten from her mother. Enclosed was a $10 bill for her to use to do something nice for herself to help reduce the stress she was feeling. Her reply was, “This makes me so mad. Does she actually think $10 is going to pay for all the things she did wrong to me? It’s so lame. And it’s all about HER. It’s always all about HER.” Reaction, right?

After we did some talking about it, she shifted gears to a response: “Thanks, Mom. I’ll use it for something nice. I appreciate your wanting to help.” Things would go so much better with this reply.

Self-reflecting ahead of time about how you might respond, rather than react, may shift your energy and increase the chances of a successful interchange.

2. Engage Your Curiosity

The second important practice for improving your relationship is to find your curiosity when you feel attacked verbally. Imagine looking at the person you feel challenged by. Notice how you experience the challenge from this person. Now imagine turning around and changing only one thing—engaging your curiosity.

Next, imagine turning back and facing this person again, this time with curiosity. Notice how the person and conflict shift for you, thereby enabling you to de-escalate the conflict.

3. Link a Complaint with a Request for Change

I hear, “You always greet me with a negative comment on my looks. You keep saying I look tired and stressed. I think you use this to manipulate me into changing to accord with your ideas.” I hear, “I hate the way you are always looking over my shoulder at work, and then you criticize me if I’m not doing something the way you would.”

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

When I interrupt and ask, “Do you have a request for a change?” the wheels of criticism stop turning. There is a little space for something different to happen. The person who has a complaint has to refocus their attention from what they don’t like, and feel hurt and hopeless about, to what they want and toward the kind of interaction that would work better for them. No blame is needed. This request for change offers the would-be critic an unexpected chance for self-reflection rather than shaming and blaming the other.

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

The second part of this process engages the person receiving the complaint. “What parts of this request can you say yes to?” I invite the receiver to notice making a request can be a vulnerable and self-revealing thing. I continue, “For the sake of the relationship, it is not acceptable to say an absolute no. You may feel fine about the request, even grateful to know what would work better. Or you may find only some or even just one part of the request that you can say yes to, but you need to affirm at least that.”

Here’s an example: “My request is that if you are concerned about my well-being, please ask me how I am, believe my response, and then move on. The way this will benefit our relationship is I will feel more connected and real with you instead of mad that you don’t believe my response.” The receiver might only be able to say yes to inquiring about how I am. Rather than this small yes causing a relationship shutdown (as an absolute no would have), it opens the door to a genuine, heartfelt negotiation about the issue. Letting go of accusing the person with the complaint enables us to understand the motivation underlying all the questioning.

The change finally agreed to was that both would ask rather than comment, and be direct rather than covert. If one of them didn’t believe the response, they would arrange for another time to talk more personally outside the work setting. This complaint process has three parts: a succinct statement of the complaint, a measurable and specific request for a change, and a sentence or two about how this change would benefit the relationship.

4. Ask for a Do-Over

Have you ever wished you could simply redo an interaction that went poorly or escalated beyond what would be reasonable? Well, you can! A do-over begins with acknowledging something in the interchange didn’t go over well or as intended. Your impact can so often be different from your intention.

Here’s an example: Carla says, “I know you’re hurting, and if you would just do this course, everything would be okay.” Martin responds, “I’m sick of this. You’re always talking about your new ideas as if they were God’s gift from heaven. It’s like if I don’t agree, then there is something wrong with me, some way I am not good enough.”

Carla notices the conversation is not going well. “Oops! Could we do a do-over? It wasn’t my intention to tell you you are wrong or bad. If we could please begin again, I’d like to say it differently. “Martin, I just took a great course. I’m handling my stress much better now. How are you doing with stress these days? You might want to consider this course too.” Martin: “Actually, I’m not feeling much stress these days, but I’m interested in hearing about your experience.” Much better. No emotional charge. No escalation. The relationship is repaired and strengthened.

A do-over can reorient a relationship without those involved needing to do a lot of processing.

5. Make Your Challenging Conversation an Investment in Your Relationship

We tend to link conflict with pain, loss, anger, and no possibility for repair. When you make a shift toward understanding that attending to difficulties is an investment in the relationship, fear can be reduced on both sides. You can approach the person you challenged (or who challenged you) with an eye toward working it out in a way that furthers the relationship. This person will likely feel your interest in maintaining the relationship.

It’s been my experience that relationships in which people have successfully worked through a conflict tend to be even deeper and more satisfying than those that rarely have a conflict to work through. When relationship challenges are seen as offering a chance to make it better, you will be taking an action that benefits and strengthens that relationship.

As a reminder, one of the four dimensions of right use of power is the relationship dimension. In using your personal and professional power wisely and well, it is of great importance to track for problems, attend to them, and repair disconnects sooner rather than later. Give the keys described here a try. You—and those you relate with—will likely be happy you did.

I just realized a few days ago that April is (or was—it’s almost over) Stress Awareness Month. This is fitting, considering just last week I wondered why the world seems to be piling one stressful situation after another upon my shoulders. It seems like just yesterday, yet also decades ago, it was April 1 and I was bummed I didn’t have time to plan any April Fools’ Day jokes, and now all of a sudden the month is nearly over and I’m wondering where the past several weeks went.

When things get busy and life gets hectic, our physical and mental health tend to pay the price. I’ve noticed a trend regarding coping with stress among several of the individuals I work with: when it rains, it pours, and when stress begins to pile up, it doesn’t just add up—it seems to multiply.

Over the past several weeks I’ve faced several situations that have generated various levels of stress: running a fundraiser, helping with a difficult move, dealing with sick kids, fielding crisis work calls, figuring out summer plans, and trying to maintain a good work-life balance. In and of themselves, each of these things would have been relatively easy to plan for and tackle, but it’s when we are pulled in a million directions and can’t seem to get a break that we become overwhelmed by stress.

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I stopped at the pharmacy the other day, between leaving a meeting and picking up my daughter from school, only to find my sick dog’s prescriptions hadn’t been filled and I needed to contact the vet. I nearly had a meltdown. I got back in my car feeling like an utter wreck because I really wanted to just break down and cry.

So often I find that on top of the stress, people tend to pile on a load of guilt. They beat themselves up for feeling stressed, argue that their stressors are not “big deals,” claim they “should” be managing better, and talk about how other people are able to handle these things with “ease.” Along with the stress and feelings of guilt come engulfing feelings of “I suck” and “I’m weak.”

What people fail to realize is, while each thing may be relatively insignificant on its own, it’s the combination of a lot of little stressors at once that ends up getting the best of us. Sure, most people could handle a setback at the pharmacy, but when the car breaks down, your babysitter is late, you double book an appointment, and you can’t seem to fight off a cold all at the same time, many people would feel, at the very least, irritable.

During therapy sessions, I often put my hand out in front of me to demonstrate the threshold for stress of the person I’m working with. And as I list all the issues they are dealing with, I raise my hand up, up, and up. When you are dealing with stressors that fall under or meet the original threshold, you are able to cope, keep it together, and effectively manage your various tasks. But as you pile more and more stressors atop that threshold, you may become overwhelmed, run down, and irritable.

Sure, most people could handle a setback at the pharmacy, but when the car breaks down, your babysitter is late, you double book an appointment, and you can’t seem to fight off an irritating cold all at the same time, many people would feel, at the very least, irritable.

It doesn’t matter how minor or insignificant an event may be. Whether it’s a little aggravation or a major trauma, you can be pushed over your threshold and sent into a tailspin. Negative emotions, such as anger, frustration, depression, and despair, can become heightened, and for some people, physical symptoms such as stress headaches or muscle tension can set in.

Rather than beat yourself up for feeling like a complete basket case, take a step back and acknowledge you have a lot on your plate. Sometimes just bringing awareness to your stress can help keep it at bay. When you recognize you are overwhelmed and can let go of any feelings of guilt, you open yourself up to a greater capacity to face the challenges at hand and to more effectively organize a strategy to tackle everything on your agenda.

Take a step back. Breathe. Remember to take care of yourself—take breaks, eat, and get rest. It’s easy to forgo good self-care when we are stressed and overwhelmed, but doing these things will help you recharge and be better equipped to cope.

During my string of stressful weeks, I decided to put as much as I could on hold and get to the gym. As I ran, I listened to the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen (the only thing currently on my iPod; updating it has been on my long to-do list for months!). I heard the lyrics: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all!” Oddly, these words helped put everything into perspective. It made me realize I need to practice what I preach, take a step back, and acknowledge I was feeling overwhelmed.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory is a scale originally used to determine whether stressful events may cause various illnesses. I like to encourage people to become familiar with this inventory because, sometimes, just being aware you’re dealing with one or more items on this list can help you recognize you’re nearing that stress threshold.

Once you are aware you’re facing stress, experiment with strategies that work for you. Many people find it useful to make to-do lists, break things down into smaller chunks, and cross things off as they go. Some people need to take a step back and put things into perspective, while others need a reminder to ask for help and support. Having a mantra or affirmation to connect to during times of stress, such as “this, too, shall pass,” can also help keep you grounded.

Do you and your partner have arguments that go round and round and seem like they recycle the same information over and over?

Max: Didn’t I tell you the reason I told your mother …

Melinda: No, that is not the reason you said at the time. If you had said what you’re saying now, I would have handled it differently. I don’t understand how you could change things so much.

Max: Why do you keep insisting I said something I never said? What I said was …

And so on. Some of these back-and-forths can take weeks to stop recycling themselves.

Why does this happen? And more to the point, what can be done about it?

What’s Behind the Arguing?

Human beings were built to connect with one another. In being connected, we chase away a sense of being alone. Connection, of course, requires us to understand one another. Ironically and unfortunately, we can feel most alone when we are with someone who does not understand us.

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Arguments such as the one Max and Melinda are having are attempts—however unsuccessful—to repair damage and connect, finally. The arguments are doomed to fail because of the way the participants go about it, but that is not what’s important to consider right now. What is important, I think, is these people desperately want to connect, as evidenced by the amount of energy they put into their conflict.

Another important piece here is that Max and Melinda want to connect on their own terms. This is not because they are selfish or controlling, but because they don’t know another way.

What Are They Doing Wrong?

Do you ever notice how, in a heated argument, no one involved is really listening? Each person is desperately trying to get a point across at the same time the other person is doing the exact same thing.

How can they possibly expect to meet somewhere in the middle? They don’t know what the other person is talking about, let alone how to reconnect and resolve the issue.

Why does it seem as if what they really want is to win? And where does winning get them, exactly?

People who have learned to argue like this have, like most of us, at one point or another been made to feel small or ashamed. As much as they want to connect, they don’t want to lower themselves—by “losing” the argument, by being “wrong”—in the process.

What Can They Do About It?

A necessary ingredient for a successful exchange in which two people may see things differently is to make sure the other person feels emotionally safe.

Think about it: if Max and Melinda are quite certain they will get bashed, blamed, or somehow made to feel small or stupid, they likely will continue in attack/defense mode. But if each makes clear, repeatedly, that no matter how difficult it becomes they will avoid hurting the other in any way, then the chances of a round-and-round thing decrease dramatically.

Here are some things they need to be careful of:

• Don’t try to psychoanalyze the other’s reasons for their behavior
• Don’t bring up old mistakes or errors in judgment; stick to the current issue
• Don’t talk about parents, siblings, or irrelevant others
• Avoid using “but” statements
• Never, ever be verbally abusive—including name-calling, put-downs, yelling, threats, or disrespectful gestures

Instead, it’s a good idea to:

• Inject compliments or gestures of respect into the conversation where possible
• Listen carefully and actively, acknowledging the validity of the other person’s perspective even as you disagree
• Ask clarifying questions about what the other person means
• Take a break or go for a walk, if needed, to let things cool off
• Accept responsibility for mistakes, and accept differences of opinion as natural and okay

Case Example

One couple I worked with argued about food. They both worked long hours. The wife, who took pride in her cooking skills, would make delicious meals and be insulted when her husband would snatch a cookie from the cupboard. She got angry at him and they argued.

What was going on?

First, the wife took her husband’s culinary preferences personally. Looking at the issue from another angle could help her relax. If she liked the food she cooked, great. If her husband enjoyed it, so much the better. If he wanted other food too, it wasn’t necessarily a rejection of her cooking, let alone her, and it wasn’t helpful to interpret it as such.

Why does it seem as if what they really want is to win? And where does winning get them, exactly?

Second, it was perfectly reasonable for her to be disappointed. Disappointments are a part of life—rain on a beach day, the movie was a bore, the new gadget didn’t meet expectations. We can acknowledge the feeling of disappointment, surmise that on a 1-to-10 scale it’s about a 3, and move on.

Third, it wouldn’t hurt to express her feelings to her husband provided she does it as a statement of her feelings and not an accusation. He, in turn, might acknowledge her feelings and be gentle but honest about his own. If he didn’t love the meal but wants to soothe her, he can mention that although it was good and he appreciated it, he prefers foods that are less salty (or whatever). He can also offer to do the cooking the next night (and she, of course, can feel free to not like it).

If you need help resolving communication problems in your relationship, seeking the help of a trained couples counselor can be greatly beneficial. A good relationship always has differences. Making an effort to truly understand each other, rather than reacting emotionally in the moment, is key. The goal isn’t to win or even to agree; it’s for both parties to feel heard, to feel like what they think matters. That’s what fosters intimacy and draws two people closer together.

References:

1. Gau, J. (2011). Successful marriage. Pastoral Psychology, 60, 651-658.
2. Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship. New York: Beaufort Books.

Depression can be difficult to tolerate. It can run the spectrum from a gnawing feeling of low and constant fatigue and worry to feeling hopeless, despairing, trapped, and desperately alone. When depression is at its worst, the prospect of suicide can feel like the only way to get beyond the pain.

If you experience any or all of this, you have a lot on your plate.

Unfortunately, many people struggling with depression complicate matters by (mostly unconsciously) employing coping mechanisms that actually work against them and compound the suffering. In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll identify some of these unhelpful coping mechanisms and explore a possible better path.

How We Cope with Emotional Pain

All human beings, to some degree or another, develop ways of dealing with pain very early on. It is an innate capacity we all have to adapt and survive, not only physically but emotionally as well.

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Just as a plant shapes itself to its environment—sometimes having to twist, torque, or reach in order to get the sunlight and nutrients it needs—people adjust their personalities in order to protect themselves and to get what they need (love, belonging, etc.).

Unfortunately, many adaptations that serve people well as children or adolescents can become burdensome as adults as the external world of the child lives within them. These mechanisms in their common forms may include withdrawal, isolation, overeating, excessive video game playing, obsessive thinking (being “in your head”), or hypersexuality, to name a few.

More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.

More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.

Depression can be so difficult to manage and experience that it can recruit the most potent of defenses. Especially if you grew up in an environment where depression was in the air, you may have had to protect yourself from both the aloneness and the infiltration of the depression itself.

It is possible you unconsciously had to employ more subversive defenses. The more uncommon or subversive coping mechanisms, ones that were once life-saving, now can add stress if you are experiencing depression. I am thinking specifically of low self-esteem, self-deprecation, minimizing, or doubting thoughts that may seem like symptoms of depression but rather as serve as unconscious strategies. These mechanisms, seemingly depressive thoughts that may have at one time been protective, now are self-destructive.

It might be difficult to figure out if your more negative thoughts are a symptom of your depression or a way to cope with it. And it might be a disturbing (but perhaps ultimately liberating) realization that you could be harming yourself in that way. This inquiry requires quite a bit of curiosity, compassion, and honesty.

However, if you are depressed and feel desperate, it’s a worthwhile inquiry. Are you harming yourself in an effort to protect yourself from the deeper pain and aloneness you felt as a child? You can begin this inquiry in earnest on your own, but I highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with, one who is well versed in working with depression, and one with whom you can establish a good working alliance.

Ask Yourself These Questions

The following are some questions you can ask yourself regarding your negative thoughts. Write each question at the top of a page, and respond with whatever comes to mind. Write for 10 minutes and then see what comes to you.

1. What are the negative thoughts I think most often?
2. What happens when I think these negative thoughts?
3. Are these negative thoughts a part of me?
4. What function do these negative thoughts serve?
5. Are these negative thoughts here to protect me?
6. What are some alternative ways to help me with my depression?

If the negative thoughts are indeed a coping mechanism, it is best to get help from someone who knows both the subtlety of the unconscious and the vulnerability that resides in these particular defenses. A trained and sensitive therapist can be of invaluable support because a professional can reflect back the impact of these thoughts and offer a space where you can begin to feel into the feelings behind those thoughts. This is a way to see your inner world more clearly and, ultimately, learn to work with your depression in a more dynamic way.

Jake, who has been seeing me for therapy for some time, is sliding further into depression. He is struggling to get up in the morning, complete daily living tasks, and concentrate at work. Jake needs to take some mental health days off to stabilize his mood, but he’s unsure how his employer will handle his request.

Also working with me in therapy is Sarah, a person with a chronic illness who is unemployed but wants to work part-time to contribute to her family. She experiences unexpected pain and fatigue that can be debilitating, sometimes confining her to bed all day. Sarah isn’t sure if she should tell her potential employer in the interview about her condition, fearing she will not be hired.

Does either of these situations resonate with you due to a mental or physical diagnosis? Are you afraid to tell your employer about your condition out of fear you will be treated unfairly? If so, you are not alone. Many people with chronic conditions face this dilemma.

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Should You Tell Your Employer?

How do you decide whether to tell your employer about your diagnosis? Certainly, there are risks to disclosing; you leave yourself vulnerable to those around you and risk being treated differently or unfairly. But there are dangers to not telling, too. If you don’t disclose your condition’s symptoms to your employer, you run the risk of being seen as incompetent or lazy at your job, which could lead to negative consequences. And if you don’t disclose important information, you may not be protected legally in the event of discrimination.

What are your rights, you ask? The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) protects you from any potential consequences and requires employers to make reasonable accommodations for anyone with a condition it defines as a “disability.”

Certainly, there are risks to disclosing; you leave yourself vulnerable to those around you and risk being treated differently or unfairly. But there are dangers to not telling, too.

The term “disability” is defined by the U.S. Department of Labor as:

• A physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities
• A record of a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, or
• Being regarded as having a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities

Likewise, a mental health disability is “a mental impairment that substantially limits a major life activity.” Some common mental health conditions include depression, bipolar, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), obsessive compulsion (OCD), panic, and schizophrenia.

Common challenges include:

• Maintaining regular attendance
• Dealing with the change of starting a new job
• Nervousness about interacting with others
• Understanding how to manage time
• Organizing information
• Handling stress and emotions
• Maintaining focus

Ultimately, disclosing your disability to your employer is a personal decision. It might be helpful for you to find support in making this decision. Your choice to tell can change depending upon the situation and the need for an accommodation. If you decide to tell your employer about your condition, do so in a way that feels good for you; share as much as you think is necessary with those who need to know.

Note: To protect confidentiality, names in the preceding article were changed by the author.

References:

1. Tugend, A. (2014, November 14). Deciding whether to disclose mental disorders to the boss. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/15/your-money/disclosing-mental-disorders-at-work.html
2. United States Department of Labor. (2016). Entering the World of Work: What Youth with Mental Health Needs Should Know About Accommodations. Retrieved from http://www.dol.gov/odep/pubs/fact/transitioning.htm

A trait parents of gifted children often struggle with is the incredibly strong will within their sweet and thoughtful child. This trait, an intensity often associated with giftedness, can make a gifted child appear distressingly oppositional and defiant. This type of behavioral issue is often misunderstood.

Typical strategies, such as removing a beloved object or a time-out, are less likely to work with strong-willed gifted children because the underlying reason for the negative behavior usually relates to perseverating upon a personal value. In other words, the reason for the refusal to comply is often based on a combination of cognitive dissonance along with a perception of injustice.

When the tried-and-true strategies don’t work, try a different take on supporting your child’s emotional development. A technique called scaffolding can be especially beneficial for fostering emotional growth in your strong-willed gifted child because it demonstrates a pathway to positive understanding, and thus there is less countering against a behavior.

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Teachers often use scaffolding as a way to enhance learning. Literal scaffolding is used in construction, where the scaffolding is a temporary structure built up on the outside of a structure in order to create the desired building. In this way, scaffolding is used as support for growing a building. The scaffolding does not take over a building, nor does it become the building. When it is no longer needed, the scaffolding is removed, and it can be built up again if needed later.

Scaffolding with gifted children promotes improved self-esteem and self-efficacy, and feeling you are good at what you do, which in turn can have a long-term impact on reducing negative behaviors, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.

Scaffolding support allows you to figuratively come up alongside children in support, where you are at their level as opposed to towering above.

Scaffolding also addresses asynchronous development, which is when a child is more mature in some ways and less mature in others. Cognitive dissonance is common in asynchronous individuals because of the disparity in their development.

Keep in mind that scaffolding is a type of support, and is not about taking over your child’s learning tasks. Scaffolding support allows you to figuratively come up alongside children in support, where you are at their level as opposed to towering above. To avoid dependency, be consistent with support at first, and then adjust and diminish your support as your child gains confidence.

When using scaffolding, pay attention to the small details, especially your own voice. Speak in a tone of voice geared toward the youngest emotional age presented by the child, while not speaking down intellectually.

This takes some practice, but can be very effective. The following tips delineate ways to creatively work with your gifted child’s strong will, promoting growth and offering an alternative communication style for conflict resolution:

1. Provide support for who they are. This means you help your children discover their own traits, and help build their self-concept of who they are (not yours).
2. Do not assume gifted children know their strengths, skills, and especially their efforts, just because they are gifted. No one comes with an owner’s manual.
3. Promote self-understanding in more than one venue. For example, you might help gifted children better understand themselves by having them do projects that reflect their particular characteristics. The activity could be making a collage or gardening—the activity itself does not matter, as the important thing is to make sure the focus reflects their characteristics.
4. Comment on strengths at every opportunity. Some strengths are easy to spot. For example, “I noticed how kind you were to that child who fell down. You are caring.” Also, look for strengths in characteristics that might not be so obvious. For example, “I heard you say you felt shy, and I also saw how you paid attention to things others might not have noticed.” Pointing out strengths helps create an environment of acceptance. As your child notices and feels your acceptance, you are helping them to accept themselves.
5. Gently point out challenges along with hope and positive guidance. This includes identifying feelings, if applicable. For example, you could say, “Sometimes I notice you struggling with anger. It doesn’t look comfortable, and this is something you can change. I have some ideas for you to try.” Identifying challenges while planting seeds of hope not only helps your child learn to identify needs, it demonstrates to them you notice and accept them with an understanding of their traits, including their most challenging ones.
6. Pay attention to your tone of voice. Use a tone of voice that is geared toward the youngest emotional age your child presents at a given time, while your vocabulary meets them where they are at intellectually. In this way, you are also taking into account asynchronous development.
7. Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts. This does not mean you should throw a party. Instead, positively remark on effort and identify the accompanying feeling. For example, “You really put a lot of effort into practicing the violin. That must feel good!”

Offering scaffolding support can help your gifted child learn to utilize their strengths while building confidence and self-understanding. These are essential for effectively managing conflict in a precocious, strong-willed child, and can provide a solid foundation for mitigating perseverant convictions. Never hesitate to seek support from a licensed mental health professional if you need help.

Fourteen years ago, when I was first trained in EMDR therapy, there was less of an understanding of its benefits, as well as a lot of confusion about what eye movement desensitization and reprocessing actually was. One thing it’s never been is a quick fix. And while I make it a point to educate people about this reality, I have found there is another layer to that common misunderstanding: lack of awareness that the existence of complex trauma, as opposed to single-incident trauma, can make EMDR an even longer-term treatment.

When working with those with single-incident trauma—a survivor of a car accident, for example—the standard eight-phased, three-pronged EMDR protocol has the potential to guide the treatment process in a relatively straightforward manner. Treatment can also be more clear-cut and focused when there are multiple traumas that can be grouped into the same category. Someone who reports being raped at various times in their life would be an example of this. Neurologically, the traumas can travel down a similar “track” when processed.

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However, it is usually the cumulative effect of multiple traumas, of multiple kinds and categories, that brings folks to my office. The majority of those who are engaging in ongoing therapy have symptoms driven by foundational experiences—developmental traumas that impact their worldviews. These experiences affect their ability to feel safe, not only physically but also emotionally. These people are seeking to heal from a history of complex trauma.

Complex trauma is identified by Judith Herman and other leaders in the field of traumatology as “the existence of a complex form of posttraumatic disorder in survivors of prolonged, repeated trauma” (Herman, 1992). An example of a history of complex trauma would be a woman who was adopted at birth, experienced sexual abuse by her brother, experienced ongoing physical abuse by her mother, and perhaps had a series of abusive relationships throughout her teenage and early adult years. She has an extensive history of interpersonal traumas at various ages and developmental stages, and spanning multiple categories.

The majority of those who are engaging in ongoing therapy have symptoms driven by foundational experiences, developmental traumas that impact their worldviews. These experiences affect their ability to feel safe, not only physically but also emotionally. These people are seeking to heal from a history of complex trauma.

As part of our healing journeys, we must pay attention to traumas of both omission and commission; both matter and can impact a person’s mental health. Neglect and abandonment, among others, are traumas of omission. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, and violence are clearly acts of commission. Perhaps a person experienced ongoing parental misattunements, significant attachment losses, a parent’s hospitalization or depression, or witnessed a mother grieving the loss of a sibling. These and myriad other experiences are examples of traumas that, at the time, impacted the person’s sense of emotional and physical safety and, more often than not, included caregivers. If they happened in childhood, they may greatly impact the person’s perceptions of the world today. All of this adds up to complex trauma.

Many leaders in the field of trauma treatment believe the newest diagnostic criteria for posttraumatic stress (PTSD), as outlined in the DSM-5, are not comprehensive enough. Although an improvement over the DSM-IV, the latest guide for mental health practitioners does not account for the full clinical picture when it comes to developmental trauma.

The term “complex trauma” didn’t even make it into the DSM-IV; instead, “DES NOS” (disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified) was often used in clinical application. In the DSM-5, some of the symptoms of DES NOS, such as re-experiencing, avoidance, negative cognitions and mood, and arousal, were included in the PTSD criteria.

Which brings us back around to EMDR therapy. Yes, it is possible to heal from a history of complex trauma. Doing so just takes a conscious, methodical, and phased approach to treatment. If you are considering EMDR and have a history of complex trauma, I highly recommend ensuring that your therapist has experience in working with both. Make sure, also, that your therapist talks to you about extensive preparation and stabilization; these aspects will be a necessary part of your healing journey.

Reference:

Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. New York: HarperCollins.

If you struggle with anxiety, regardless of whether you’ve been given an official diagnosis, one of the most powerful things you can do is to construct a toolbox of skills and strategies to implement when those thoughts of worry and stress—and their accompanying physiological responses—take hold.

Here are 12 things you may want to include in your toolbox:

1. Journaling. You don’t have to subscribe to any rules in connection with your journal. Write to relieve your stress and let go of the anxiety you feel. Write and rip, share or don’t, draw or scribble. Externalize your thoughts and feel the relief of having emptied them onto paper.
2. Music. Assemble various playlists so you have the kind of music you seek when you need it, whether it be soothing songs or those that will energize you if you’re feeling “stuck.”
3. Creative outlets. Funnel your anxiety into painting, drawing, dancing, writing, sculpting, playing music, singing, decorating, sewing, knitting, photographing, cooking, etc. A creative endeavor can be a healthy outlet for angst and a means of expressing feelings that might cause further suffering if ignored or suppressed. [fat_widget_anxiety_right]
4. Breaks. Stepping outside to get a breath of fresh air, getting a drink of water, or fixing yourself a cup of tea, having a healthy snack, or reading for a few minutes can all serve as brief diversions to recharge your battery and offer you a bit of calm.
5. Relaxation skills and breathing exercises. You can download guided exercises or use an app (calm.com and headspace.com are commonly used by people I work with in the therapy room). Just a few minutes of focusing on your breath—consciously breathing in for five seconds and then out for five seconds—can be all you need to bring your anxiety level down a notch or two. Be sure to practice these exercises on a regular basis so they come more naturally to you when you need them (before bed can be an ideal time to do this).
6. Imagery and visualization. Imagine an upcoming anxiety-producing event going as smoothly as possible. Be sure to engage as many of your senses as possible. You can also visualize a safe, soothing place such as a waterfall, the beach, or a mountaintop, again plugging into the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches the scene might invoke. These skills, too, will serve you best if they are well practiced.
7. Rehearsing. Rehearsing can help you anticipate, and plan for, “what-ifs” so you feel better prepared. You can role play with others to help diffuse your fear and apprehension and strategize with regard to how to handle potential hurdles in a productive way.
   Combat your negative inner dialogue and perfectionism by letting go of the need to be perfect, and becoming okay with things being just “okay.”
8. A support network. Who are the people you can talk to and go to for support? Examples might be a parent, sibling, spouse, friend, coach, teacher, religious leader, coworker, mentor, or therapist. Awareness of who is in your network of support can enable you to feel less isolated and alone. Compile your network’s names and numbers so you have them handy when you want to reach out. Be sure to let those people know just how important they are to you.
9. Positive self-talk. Combat your negative inner dialogue and perfectionism by letting go of the need to be perfect, and becoming okay with things being just “okay.” As you tune in to the negative messages you feed yourself, formulate more appropriate, realistic ones to combat them. Nourish yourself with encouragement and the kinds of messages you’d offer your best friend in the same situation.
10. Exercise. Funnel your stress and anxiety into physical activity. Give that excess energy and adrenaline a place to work rather than allowing it to manifest in a racing heart or sweating while sitting still.
11. A list of your accomplishments and thoughts of gratitude. Focus on what you’ve done well, no matter how big or small, as well as on what is going right in the world around you. This can serve to create a big shift in your thoughts. Instead of putting your attention on what might go wrong, which steeps your brain and body in fear, enable positive thoughts and moments to produce as their byproduct other positive thoughts and moments. Success breeds success.
12. The ability to ask for help. Seeking out appropriate resources when you don’t have all the answers is a wonderful skill worth developing. It helps you feel supported, and you don’t have to remain stuck if you’re unsure which direction to turn.

The most interesting thing about constructing an anxiety toolbox is that, in doing so, many people see their anxiety markedly decrease overall. This is because they now feel equipped, ready to face their anxiety more effectively when stress, upset, or overwhelm attempt to take over.

What will you put in your toolbox?