Can relationships between people who share very different faiths work? Absolutely—but only if they also share a profound respect for one another and their respective beliefs. Does your girlfriend expect her partner (and perhaps future husband) to have an active shared religious life with her? If so, and if you are certain that this path is not for you, that is a conversation better to be had sooner rather than later.

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If you are open to sharing her experiences, that’s another story. It is also possible to share experiences without necessarily sharing the same beliefs. There are many people who accompany their partners to services that may not reflect their own personal spirituality or beliefs. As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

What is most important is that the two of you have some open and honest conversations about your personal beliefs and the vision you each have for your future. Right now it’s just the two of you negotiating your relationship, but what might happen if you were to eventually start a family together? I imagine she might want her children to share in her faith and her experiences. Is that something you can see yourself accepting and supporting?

There are many families that make it work despite mixing very different religious views. Only the two of you can decide if that path will work for you. These are important conversations to have now and not months or years down the line. If you need help having these conversations, you may want to consult a couples counselor who has experience in issues related to faith-based differences.

Best of luck!
Erika

Bruce Jenner, former Olympic athlete and reality star, has made recent headlines. After months (or longer) of tabloid and entertainment news speculation, Jenner publicly came out in an April 2015 interview with ABC News‘ Diane Sawyer, identifying as transgender. No doubt the episode sparked public interest and a great deal of conversation. In fact, in the days immediately following the Jenner interview, Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression was the most-viewed link on the American Psychological Association (APA) website. Considering the high number of hits, assumptions could be made that the general public is seeking more information on transgender identities and transitioning.

To better understand what transgender means, it is important to make the distinction between sexual orientation and gender identity, which are frequently and erroneously used interchangeably. Sexual orientation is our romantic, physical, emotional, and relational attraction to another, and includes labels such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual. Gender identity, on the other hand, refers to our internal sense of being male, female, or another gender identity.

Someone who identifies as transgender experiences a lack of conformity between their sense of gender and the societal standards of their assigned birth sex. Cisgender is the term used to describe someone whose sense of gender conforms to the societal standards associated with their assigned birth sex. What does “assigned birth sex” mean? In most cases, a doctor “assigns” our sex based on our visible anatomy appearing to be that of a boy or girl. Without undergoing extensive and expensive genetic, chromosomal, and hormonal testing, most people do not know what their true biological sex is.

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Although Jenner is all over the news, transgender identities are not a new phenomenon. It is probably not a stretch to say that transgender individuals have always existed. Many accounts, such as those documented in the book Transgender Emergence (Lev, 2004), detail transgender individuals throughout historical and modern times and across a diversity of cultures.

If transgender identities have always been around, one could question why transgender individuals are often treated like second-class citizens. Well, in looking at history, before Western colonization, in some cultures, those with transgender identities enjoyed inclusion and reverence within their communities. For example, in Native American culture, individuals identifying as “two-spirit,” who are thought to encompass both male and female qualities, were once well revered within their culture. However, after Western colonization, social value and reverence were stripped from transgender identities.

And if you are still wondering why transgender individuals do not have full respect in society although transgender identities have existed for thousands of years, recognize that other groups, such as women and ethnic minorities, have been around for a long time too, but continue to endure less than equal treatment.

There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

Jenner is 65 years old, a parent, and until recently was married to a woman. Some might wonder why it took Jenner so long to come out. There are several explanations for this. There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

In general, the U.S. is more accepting of diverse identities today than at any other time in its history, yet transgender individuals encounter high rates of verbal, psychological, and physical victimization and violence. Now consider the atmosphere and attitude toward transgender individuals 20, 30, or 40 years ago; for many older adults, the threats to their physical and emotional safety were true barriers to transitioning at younger ages. Also, consider the financial costs. Would there have been endorsement deals and commercial shoots if Jenner came out in 1976?

Accessibility to information also impacts coming out. Today, there is greater transgender awareness and there are more transgender individuals in the media. Today’s youth have more access to information regarding gender identity and transitioning than their predecessors. Furthermore, transitioning can be an expensive endeavor that may not have been an affordable option when older transgender individuals were younger. All transgender-identifying individuals do not desire to pursue a physical transition. For those who do, depending on the transgender individual’s desire for transitioning, hormonal therapy, surgeries, and other costly procedures may have prevented them from making any physical transitions until later in life. Finally, in regard to parenting and marital status, gender identity has little to do with someone’s desire to parent or marry, making it very reasonable that someone may transition or come out as transgender after marrying and childrearing.

Jenner’s children were asked how they felt about their father’s transgender identity. Like other families in which a parent transitions, they acknowledged undergoing a transitional process themselves. The family has to adjust to appearance and gender expression changes, adopt new pronouns, and may have considerations regarding marital status. The families of transgender individuals are not immune from experiences of prejudice and discrimination that were previously unknown to them. Family members can be asked invasive questions, feel alienated by those who are not supportive of their family member’s transition, or experience the financial byproduct of discrimination. For example, many states do not include gender identity in housing and employment nondiscrimination policies. So if a parent is fired for being transgender, their child may no longer be able to afford to attend college.

Initial stages of a family’s transition may be challenging and confusing, but later stages in family transition may include acceptance of their loved one’s identity and providing a supportive and safe environment that is respectful to all gender identities. A safe environment allows space to grieve perceived loss and welcome mental wellness and gender affirmation. Fortunately, there are a growing number of resources to help families who have loved ones who are transitioning and to support the family’s transition.

Reference:

Lev, A. I. (2004). Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working with Gender-Variant People and Their Families. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.

Why do some people suffer after a traumatic event while others do not?

This is an important question in the world of trauma psychology, one that is being extensively researched. We know, both anecdotally and empirically, that, given exposure to a critical incident, some people will be negatively affected by it, while others will move on and be essentially fine. For example, several young people of similar age and background can be deployed on the ground in the same unit in Iraq or Afghanistan, be exposed to roughly similar experiences, and some will return stateside, move ahead with happy and fulfilling lives and be fine, while others will experience some level of disruption associated with their service.

Why is that?

The answer to this appears to be largely the same as the answer to so many other quandaries in the field of psychology: the unique combination of genetic constitution and set of life experiences for any given individual. It’s the old “nature vs. nurture” question, and, as is typically the case, the answer seems to be “yes, both influence outcome significantly.”

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As with so many things, it seems clear that we inherit a genetic constitution that may leave us more or less at risk of developing lasting problems after trauma exposure. Recent studies indicate that, with similar levels of trauma exposure, individuals who have close family members who have struggled with trauma-related problems are more likely than those without such a connection to struggle after trauma. This link seems fairly strong.

However, one generally does not experience trauma-related problems without … trauma. Life experiences do not occur in a vacuum, and trauma-related concerns are certainly no exception. Sometimes when we talk about trauma, we talk about a “dose-response relationship,” which simply means that a person’s response to trauma is directly related to the amount of exposure he or she has. Because of the differing “doses,” a person who experiences a single-incident trauma of brief duration (a car accident, for example) is at less risk of lasting problems than a person who experiences chronic exposure to ongoing traumatizing events for a lengthy period of time (such as child abuse or neglect).

Life experiences do not occur in a vacuum, and trauma-related concerns are certainly no exception.

This is not to say that people who experience a single car accident do not develop significant problems; they can and, unfortunately, sometimes do. However, the likelihood of ongoing struggles increases as the amount and severity of exposure to trauma increases. So, a person’s history of trauma and learned coping skills combines with his or her genetic constitution to create that person’s level of risk and resilience.

Sometimes when we talk about trauma-related struggles, we talk about trying to find ways that we might “inoculate” people against developing serious negative outcomes after a traumatic event. Of course, there is no shot or medicine that will achieve this; what we mean when we say this is that we hope to create a set of life experiences that will reduce a person’s vulnerability to troubles by increasing his or her resilience level. Essentially, we want to start to establish—prior to trauma exposures—habits and ways of being and relating to the world that seem to be associated with better outcomes after trauma exposures. For example, habits of thought are important in structuring how we perceive the world. A tendency to blame extensively or to personalize others’ behaviors may reduce resilience, so, with an eye toward increasing resilience, we may try to shift habits of thought in a different direction.

Of course, unlike “inoculation” in the true sense of the world, none of these will provide any real immunity. At present, there is no such thing—bad things happen to good people unexpectedly, and sometimes, in spite of everything, that person will encounter struggles associated with that. But we know that some habits can and do increase the chances that, upon exposure, the individual will be able to incorporate the experience and continue living life without major disruption.

Our knowledge about this grows every day, and we continue to work toward a more complete understanding of how to assist survivors of trauma. Both before and after traumatic incidents, there are interventions that we have identified that we know can meaningfully reduce suffering; this being so, it seems worth the effort to continue pursuing them as best we can, in spite of the imperfect state of our knowledge.

Is it OK to allow a child to sleep with his or her parents? This is a hot-button and controversial topic. Some believe there is nothing wrong with parents sharing a bed with their child as long as the parents set aside time for their own intimacy. Others believe that parents who share a bed with their child are setting themselves and the child up for future frustration and failure when it comes time to transition the child to his or her own bed. When the child knows that the parents want him or her to transition but can’t make it happen, he or she may experience guilt and believe he or she is disappointing the parents. Even parents who have difficulty transitioning a child into his or her own bed sometimes have separation issues.

Some people see the terms “co-sleeping” and “bed sharing” as synonymous. They’re not. Co-sleeping is the act of a child sleeping in the same room as the parents, perhaps in a sleeper that attaches to the bed, while bed sharing is sleeping on the same surface.

In many cultures, children have shared a bed with their parents going back centuries. However, co-sleeping and bed sharing have a negative rap in the Unites States.

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As with most things, there are pros and cons. For nursing mothers, bed sharing is often easier and can be done safely. Often, though, there is concern around bed sharing with infants due to the possibility of suffocation.

Some parents struggle with the idea of having an infant sleep apart from them in a separate bed and room. Some believe bed sharing provides the best opportunity for secure attachment. Others disagree.

For parents, the decision to co-sleep or bed-share with a child is a personal one.

There is concern among some that bed sharing does not provide an opportunity for infants to learn how to self-soothe, that it encourages over-reliance on parents when the infant is upset. Another concern is that infants may not learn to fall asleep on their own.

For parents, the decision to co-sleep or bed-share with a child is a personal one. Parents must decide what works best for their family’s needs and structure. Having said that, parents should not have a child sleep with them in order to get their own emotional needs met, or as a solution to an infant’s inability to go to sleep.

Transitioning the Child to His or Her Own Bed

Close connection between parents and their child is crucial to the child’s healthy emotional development. Such a connection helps to facilitate the transition from the family bed to the child’s own. Some suggestions for parents to transition their child back to his or her bed while staying close emotionally include:

• Parents need to remember that weaning a child from the family bed may be upsetting to the child—and that is OK. The child may experience feelings of fear and grief. Parents should help the child work through those feelings. Through the process of providing support and opportunity for the child to express his or her emotions, the child can be expected to become more confident.
• When a child has strong feelings to dissolve, parents can help by allowing him or her to cry or scream. Parents should remind the child that there is no presence of danger. When this happens, the child may be more likely to release his or her feelings and reach a calm state of mind.
• When a child is sad or scared, parents should stay close and listen, which typically helps the child greatly. This allows the parent to stay in close proximity to the child while expressing love and attention as the child expresses his or her feelings. Parents should allow the child to fully engage in the feelings while holding the child close until he or she feels emotionally safe and confident that the parents are watching over him or her.
• Having a bedtime ritual can be helpful for the child in the transition from the family bed to his or her own. It may be helpful if parents can conceptualize the process of the child going from the family bed to his or her own as one with many steps. Each child will need varying amounts of time for this process to come full circle. When parents provide love and caring through this process, the child may slowly release stored feelings of grief and fear. This will allow for the child to cooperate and, eventually, to sleep independently.
• Parents should tell their child they are going to help him or her feel safe enough to sleep in his or her own bed. Saying this shows respect for the child’s intelligence, as children often understand more than parents assume.

When parents help their child feel safe in his or her own bed, at his or her pace, while listening to any feelings expressed along the way, they will typically see the child shed any lingering concerns and successfully transition.

Sometimes, anxiety feels a lot like riding too fast on a spinning carousel at an amusement park. It takes hold of a particular thought or fear and spins on it nonstop. It’s frustrating and exhausting, and it can feel out of our control.

The temptation in that situation is to do one of two things to feel better: (1) distract ourselves from the thoughts or (2) indulge them. Distraction maneuvers include watching television, calling a friend, taking a pill, or checking Facebook. Indulging behaviors might look like making endless lists and notes about anxious thoughts, researching whatever the issue is for hours, or calling people to talk through the same problems over and over.

The tough truth is that we can’t run from what’s bothering us, and we can’t necessarily “solve” it, either. If our minds are telling us to be very worried about a work meeting tomorrow, the answer is not to spend hours thinking about that meeting. This gives us the illusion of control—“If I can imagine every possible issue that could arise during the meeting, I’ll be able to handle whatever happens”—while keeping us tired out and high-strung. Trying to solve an irrational fear through rational thought is, as it sounds, impossible.

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Instead, we have to do something that feels pretty counterintuitive: To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about. “Sitting with the feelings” sounds a lot harder; who wants to lean into feeling scared and worried? But we’ve already tried distraction and indulgence, so we know those are temporary fixes without any long-term gain. Once the fear about the work meeting is soothed, another problem will be waiting to frighten us, and we’ll have to start working feverishly again to calm that thought.

There are many ways to attack anxiety more productively. The tools below are described in their simplest form. If you see one that appeals to you, a professional, a book, or even a website could help you flesh them out and practice them. Other ideas can be tried here and now, on your own.

To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about.

1. Words

When your mind is spinning, there’s a story that you’ve created. First, try to figure out the words the anxiety is using to scare you. Perhaps they’re “don’t bother asking that girl on a date, she’ll never say yes.” Or “if you drive on the freeway, you will be in danger.” Write down this message in the clearest words possible, then see if there’s any deeper message underneath it. If you’re afraid to ask someone out, could there be a fear underneath that such as “no one ever likes me”? Does anxiety about driving also include the larger worry that “the world is unsafe”? When we uncover the core message, we can sometimes see that it’s exaggerated and devastating. It’s a huge generalization.

Next, try to find a replacement thought that is more balanced, more realistic. It doesn’t have to be something magical like “everyone always loves me!” or “no one ever gets into car accidents!” These will be difficult to focus on because they’re hard to trust. A more reasoned statement might be “I can handle rejection” or “some women have wanted to date me in the past.” When you come up with a thought that feels more positive and easy to believe in, consciously stop yourself whenever the anxious thought arises, push it away, and replace it with the new thought. Over and over, practice the new words to create a new thought process.

2. Images

If you’re drawn more to pictures than to words, visualizations are a wonderful and powerful way to calm your spinning mind. Try to discern how your anxiety looks to you. Maybe it’s a field of pulsating red, or a spiky ball. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Imagine holding your anxiety in your hands. Feel its texture, its weight, its temperature. Then imagine chilling this anxiety with a breeze of fresh, cool air. See it shrinking in your hand. It becomes as small as a medicine ball, then a kickball, then a handball. Soon, it’s as tiny as a ball bearing. Continue to hold and shrink the anxiety whenever it occurs.

Another way to calm anxiety with images is through creative visualization. There are many such resources available online as audio, video, or written scripts. These stories walk you through a calming experience, simultaneously helping your body relax and moving your mind away from the distressing thoughts and into a more peaceful, controlled state. Practicing these mini-meditations trains your mind to focus less on outside subjects, which we have little control over, and more on our inner selves, which we have complete control over (although this often doesn’t feel true). One lovely visualization can be found here.

3. Physical Feelings

Finally, relaxation and anxiety management can be found by changing how your body is functioning. Sometimes, anxiety starts in the body instead of as a thought. The sympathetic nervous system gets triggered, we feel a thumping heartbeat, quicker breathing, and twitchy muscles, and then the mind looks for something to blame it on. What am I so upset about? Suddenly we’re searching for a cause and choosing targets that may or may not be relevant or significant. It must be my relationship. And then we’re off on the cycle of repetitive thoughts that feel unmanageable.

Anxious thoughts and an anxious response in our bodies are almost always linked, and they need to be dealt with on both levels. First, taking deep breaths and slowing our body movements can help bring some oxygen and blood flow back to the brain, making it easier to think logically. Experts suggest breathing in to a count of four and out to a count of five, both through the nose. The slower out-breath mimics breathing patterns while we sleep, and can help trick the brain into thinking we’re relaxed before we actually are.

These techniques represent just the beginning of ways to address anxiety directly, without trying to run from it. The good news is, once you find a way (or two or three) of gaining control of your spinning thoughts, there can be a powerful sense of mastery and relief. The carousel does not have to rule your mind and body. Rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, you can slow the ride, dismount from the horse, and get a good night’s sleep.

A 28-year-old woman sits across the room from me. Recently diagnosed with bipolar, she is slowly but surely accepting her diagnosis. With a perplexed look, she asks, “But what, exactly, am I supposed to tell guys when we go out? And when should I tell them? And do I even need to tell them at all?”

If you have a chronic illness and are in the dating world, these questions may sound familiar. Whether you have an “invisible” condition (think arthritis, HIV, diabetes) or a chronic mental health diagnosis (think bipolar, obsessive compulsion, major depression), it can be difficult to know when or how to disclose sensitive information about yourself to romantic prospects.

The realm of online dating has brought about fast and efficient ways to meet new people. Online dating can take away some anxiety and stress when meeting others, and it can open up a world of possibility. Online profiles generally allow users to disclose as much or as little as they want. Similarly, users can often make checklists of must-haves and deal-breakers. So you may put it out there that you don’t want to date someone who smokes, but do you want to tell the dating world about your battle with fibromyalgia?

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People who have been rejected by friends and family because of their diagnosis may feel even more anxiety when it comes to sharing it with a date or potential date. It’s a quandary, no doubt! So how do you decide when to tell a prospect about your diagnosis?

Perhaps these guidelines can help you navigate the world of dating with a chronic illness:

1. Inform yourself about your condition and find acceptance. First and foremost, educate yourself about your diagnosis and empower yourself in your treatment. Once you have accepted your condition (at least on most days!), your confidence and self-love will shine through to others. If you need help with this step, find a therapist who can help you move through the stages of grief when it comes to chronic illness.
2. Know what you want and what you need in a partner. You are not looking for a caregiver here. You want a partner who will physically help you when needed, one who will be supportive and understanding, and one who is empathetic to your condition. Don’t settle for someone who can “put up with” you. Look for someone who will accept and love you for who you are. Remember the 80/20 rule of relationships: you get 80% of what you really want. Maybe your new date doesn’t like hiking or going to the movies, but the 80% of things you do have in common is really great.
3. Share your information thoughtfully. In other words, don’t dump out your purse or pockets on your first date. Think about the important facts of your diagnosis and be able to share them in a succinct way. If your new date has questions, answer them accordingly. If not, that’s OK, too—some people need time to process or may not, in fact, have any questions. Allow the other person time to digest the information, and be open to answering questions if he or she wants to talk more about it later.

In my experience, the vast majority of people who follow these guidelines when disclosing their chronic illness are welcomed with open arms. It’s a rare occasion when a new person is turned off by this kind of disclosure, but if it happens, then he or she simply isn’t the right person for you.

Think you want to share your chronic illness with others on dating websites? There are dating sites, such as PositiveSingles.com, NoLongerLonely.com, and Prescription4Love.com, that cater to people with chronic medical and mental health conditions. The idea behind these sites is that you will be in good company and can more openly talk about your experiences with others who understand.

“I’ve been fine for years. Now I have nightmares every night and can barely function at work. What’s going on?”

“I thought I was over it. I even went to therapy as a kid! Why is it all coming back again?”

“I feel like I’m falling apart, but the abuse was years ago. Does this mean I’m getting worse?”

One of the first things survivors of sexual abuse ask me when they come into my therapy office is, “Why now? Why are these feelings and memories coming back now?” Often, the underlying question is, “I was fine before, but now I’m struggling. Am I going crazy?”

If you’re having this experience—being suddenly overwhelmed by a past trauma—let me reassure you the same way I reassure the people I work with in my office. No, you’re not going crazy! As difficult as it may be to believe, a sudden reemergence of old feelings is often a sign that you’re ready to heal on a deeper level.

Recovery from Trauma Happens in Stages

Healing from a trauma such as sexual assault or abuse happens in stages. In the first few days after an assault, we tend to shut down because the emotions feel so overwhelming that we can deal with them only in small doses. For ongoing sexual abuse or molestation, this shutdown state may last for the entire time the abuse occurs. Eventually, in the days, weeks, and months after an assault occurred or the abuse ends, we usually find ways to “put the past behind us,” to regulate our emotions and to build a stable life. We may still experience some triggers or have some nightmares, and we don’t typically forget about what happened, but over the years we start to feel “normal.”

Then, sometimes, all those feelings come roaring back. What’s going on?

When the fear, the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heartache—all the emotions that were perhaps too painful, too complicated, or just “too” in the immediate aftermath of the trauma—suddenly reemerge, your new task is to sit with those emotions and let them have their say.

In my experience as a therapist, what’s happening is that some deep, inner part of you finally feels safe and stable enough to address the leftover emotional fallout that’s been patiently waiting for years. Your job right after the trauma and in the years since the trauma occurred has been to find stability. You developed successful coping mechanisms that let you function in the world without falling apart. Those are invaluable skills that are going to get you through the next part of your recovery.

You Are Strong Enough to Feel Vulnerable Now

When the fear, the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heartache—all the emotions that were perhaps too painful, too complicated, or just “too” in the immediate aftermath of the trauma—suddenly reemerge, your new task is to sit with those emotions and let them have their say. They’ve been patiently waiting for you to develop the strength to cope with them successfully, and if they’ve shown up for you now, after all this time, they think you’re finally ready. You are strong enough to feel vulnerable for a while.

So what do you do? How do you cope without getting overwhelmed?

• Know that you are not regressing or going “crazy.” Reassure yourself that these seemingly new emotions are a normal part of the trauma-recovery process and that they won’t stick around forever. These emotions don’t mean you’re moving backward in your healing or that you’ll always feel this way. There is an end!
• Recognize that “the only way out is through.” These emotions will go away, but only after you let yourself feel them. Emotions give us valuable information about ourselves and the world, so you need to learn to listen to them. This is your opportunity to learn that skill.
• Go slowly. If all these emotions feel overwhelming and scary, you can take them in small doses. I often recommend setting a timer for 15 or 10 or even five minutes every day, and using that time to feel whatever you’re feeling right then. When the timer goes off, stop. (This is where your strength comes in!) It may be hard to feel at first, or hard to stop feeling, but that’s why you’re practicing. This exercise helps you build confidence that you can turn off the flood of emotions, which can help reduce anxiety about letting yourself feel.
• Give yourself credit for your progress. As you work through this stage of the healing process, you may find yourself caught up in one emotion for a while. You may go through a week-long period of sadness, for example, or a month of feeling really angry. People sometimes feel stuck when this happens and forget that they haven’t always felt that way and are therefore not likely to feel that way forever. Keeping a journal or talking about your feelings with a supportive loved one can help you see that you’re moving forward.

If you need additional support or resources, a therapist specializing in trauma recovery can help. If you need immediate help regarding sexual assault or abuse and you’re in the United States, you can call the 24-hour National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) for support, resources, and referrals.

Related Reading: 

• Can You Have Trauma Symptoms Without Experiencing Trauma?

• 4 Steps to Erasing the Trauma of Painful Memories

• Trauma and Re-Experiencing: The Intrusion of Past into Present
• Resensitization: Coming Back to Life after Trauma

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

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You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

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Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.

Life in today’s fast-paced world is complex, with more stressors and less direct social support than in past generations. Exposure to multiple life stressors has been shown to leave people vulnerable to illness and other negative outcomes, making it all the more important that effective coping strategies are developed and utilized.

One of the most common reactions to stressful life events and transitions is anxiety. One of the most widely reported mental health challenges that people face in the United States, anxiety affects about 40 million adults ages 18 and older.

Common symptoms of anxiety include feelings of panic, fear and uneasiness, difficulty sleeping, muscle tension, cold or sweaty hands/feet, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, restlessness, dry mouth, nausea, dizziness, excessive or unrealistic worry, and avoidance of triggering situations. Temperament and prior experiences with stressors are key determinants of whether a person develops problematic anxiety in response to life events. Though their genetics and past experiences cannot be changed, people can better prepare for the inevitable ups and downs of life by understanding their emotional responses and by nurturing healthy daily practices.

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The Fight-or-Flight Response

Fear and anxiety are natural and adaptive responses to stressors. Fear is a reaction to a present danger in the environment, while anxiety refers to the anticipation of some potential threat in the future.

Fear and anxiety are natural and adaptive responses to stressors. Fear is a reaction to a present danger in the environment, while anxiety refers to the anticipation of some potential threat in the future.

When the mind perceives a threat, the nervous system activates the fight-or-flight response. A complex physiological event, the fight-or-flight response mobilizes a person for action in the face of a life-threatening danger. Because the human nervous system does not distinguish between real and imagined threats, this response system can work against a person, resulting in panic and anxiety.

The good news is that our understanding of the biological underpinnings of the fight-or-flight response has led to well-researched, effective treatments and coping methods. Below are some healthy strategies that you can begin to practice right now, regardless of whether this is a time of stress:

1. Practice deep breathing, meditation, or relaxation: Breathing and meditation can help you focus on the present moment and reduce ruminative worry and anticipatory anxiety. Regular relaxation exercises lower overall physiological arousal.
2. Look back to other stressful times: Reflect on past stressors and remind yourself that stressful periods are temporary and will pass.
3. Identify effective coping from the past: You’ve been through tough times in the past. Review what helped you during those times.
4. Accept negative feelings: Don’t deny anger, guilt, sadness, or negative feelings. Try to accept and acknowledge your feelings. Journaling can provide a safe space to express and process feelings.
5. Engage in active problem solving: Identify aspects of the situation that you have control over and appropriate responses.
6. Maintain and utilize supportive relationships: Build loving and warm relationships with trusted others you can lean on during difficult times.
7. Get plenty of sleep: Aim to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Establish a regular bedtime and wake-up time.
8. Exercise: Daily exercise is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress and anxiety. If cleared by your physician to do so, try to exercise vigorously four or more days a week.
9. Eat well: Eat a balanced diet, and don’t skip meals and snacks.
10. Schedule rest breaks: Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take a few minutes several times a day to meditate, breathe, or otherwise relax.
11. Engage in pleasurable activities: Be sure to carve out time to engage in things you enjoy on a daily basis.
12. Avoid caffeine and alcohol.

Everyone goes through difficult and stressful times. It is important to cultivate a robust set of coping strategies to build your resilience and reduce the negative impact of life’s challenges. If you find that you are having trouble coping, consider seeing a therapist or seeking out a support group.

References:

1. Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. The Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213-218.
2. Jansen, A. S. P., Nguyen, X. V.,Karpitskiy, V., Mettenleiter, T. C., & Loewy, A. D. (1995). Central command neurons of the sympathetic nervous system: Basis of the fight-or-flight response. Science, 270(5236), 644-646.
3. Mineka, S., & Zimbarg, R. (2006). A contemporary learning theory perspective on the etiology of learning disorders: It’s not what you thought it was. American Psychologist, 61(1), 10-26.

The ability to discern what we like or dislike is an important part of being an individual. It is enriching to have choices about what to eat, what we like to wear, how to decorate our space, or what our favorite movie is. Many of our choices become part of how we define ourselves.

Some of our self-definitions go deeper and concern whether we prefer to be open about our emotions. If we came from a family in which emotions were not talked about, we will most likely be less inclined to talk about emotions. Another person may have grown up in a family in which emotions were expressed openly and honestly. If two people from such different families establish a romantic relationship, problems may arise.

While it’s important for all of us to have choices as individuals, it’s equally important for partners to be tolerant of each other’s differences. This is especially true during the early years of a partnership, when partners typically work together to define how they want their own family to be. The early years of a relationship are often about building a new family that is different from either partner’s family of origin.

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If one partner becomes judgmental and critical of the other partner’s way of being, problems generally ensue. Judgment often leads a person to become contemptuous of the other person, and contempt is hard to conceal. We all have micro-expressions that cross our faces so quickly we may not even know we have expressed the feelings associated with them. One’s partner might see those micro-expressions and feel deeply hurt by them.

It is only by working on our own way of thinking that this destructive cycle can be prevented.

Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.

The most important skill in any close relationship is the ability to understand and empathize. Empathy is the opposite of contempt, disgust, or other negative judgment. The way to empathy is through understanding, and judgment blocks understanding.

Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.

If you try to listen to, appreciate, and understand another person’s position but find you cannot, it may be that you need to recognize that your own way of thinking may be preventing you from relating well to that person. Your way of thinking and being is different from their way of thinking and being. Can you accept that? Can you accept that a person you believe you love or care about is different from you in some ways?

It is possible to love not only a person but their differences, too. In fact, true, deep, and lasting love involves a great deal of acceptance of another’s differences. Accepting a person’s differences helps you become a better-rounded, happier, more likable, more trustworthy, more mature individual.

Maturity is not something that happens to us as we get older. Maturity is something we gain through self-awareness, self-confrontation, and genuine efforts to grow and become kinder, more accepting, and at peace with other ways of being than your own.

If you need help on your journey of acceptance, consider seeking the guidance of a trained therapist.

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, as many as one in five Americans will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. Of the nearly 60 million Americans who experience mental health concerns each year, many will never seek treatment for a variety of reasons including social stigma, cultural norms, and lack of access. In fact, a recent report published in the journal Psychological Science and the Public Interest found that an estimated 40% of individuals with serious mental health concerns either never receive care or start an intervention program without completing it.

The stigma surrounding mental health issues can be a significant barrier to care. Unfortunately, many people unknowingly contribute to the stigma simply with their everyday language choices. A poor choice of words not only stigmatizes, stereotypes, and creates unrealistic assumptions about certain people, but also can trivialize serious mental health conditions and their accompanying experiences.

While society tends to tread lightly around language concerning disabilities, race, or religion, it seems that we do not apply the same sensitivity to language involving mental health. For example, while you might be a little taken aback by someone who uses the word “retarded” to refer to a poor decision, you likely wouldn’t think twice about someone calling a peculiar behavior “crazy” or saying out loud that someone’s “OCD” is the cause for an orderly office.

Help Us Erode Stigma during Mental Health Awareness Month

With May designated as Mental Health Awareness Month in the United States, we would like to encourage you to think twice about the language you use and how it may affect those one in five people who may be your neighbors, coworkers, and friends who experience mental health issues.[fat_widget_right]

Show respect and consideration for those experiencing mental health conditions by avoiding these common stigmatizing phrases we hear in our daily conversations:

‘I’m So OCD.’

All too often people say “I’m so OCD” when referring to simple habits they may have regarding organization, such as arranging books a certain way on a bookshelf or keeping one’s own environment immaculately clean. True obsessions and compulsions can be quite debilitating, involving persistent, unwanted thoughts, rituals, and behaviors, all of which are out of a person’s control.

As many as 27% of people experience some form of obsessive-compulsive behavior. By using the term to describe tidiness, we popularize the experience and make it appear less severe than it actually can be. Next time you find yourself tempted to say someone else is being OCD or claim it as an explanation for your own behavior, consider how you might more accurately share your observation or insight.

‘I Can’t Focus; It’s My ADD.’

It’s not uncommon to hear people refer to themselves as ADHD or ADD when they are inattentive or easily distracted. Today’s high-tech world seems to be characterized by ever-shrinking attention spans, and it seems that people are always fiddling with their smart phones and jumping from one topic to another. However, this is not the same thing as attention-deficit hyperactivity.

Though these types of behaviors may be related to a lack of focus, an actual diagnosis of ADHD is far more complex.

People might casually refer to distracted behavior as ADHD or even go as far as to say that they’re ADHD when channel surfing or changing the radio station before a song finishes. Though these types of behaviors may be related to a lack of focus, an actual diagnosis of ADHD is far more complex and has less to do with boredom and more to do with genetics, neurotransmitters, and electrical activity in the brain. In fact, a major distinguishing characteristic of ADHD is impulsivity, which probably isn’t present in most cases where people erroneously claim ADHD as the source of their inattention.

‘My Ex Is Such a Psycho.’

At some point, you’ve probably heard someone refer to a past lover (or friend, or roommate) as a psycho. People typically use this phrase to refer to someone engaging in erratic or irrational behavior, which in reality is far from psychotic.

Psychosis is a serious mental health condition by which a person loses contact with reality and may experience hallucinations and delusions. An estimated 3% of people experience psychosis, which makes it far less prevalent than the many people who claim to have psychotic past lovers might indicate. Try not to downplay the seriousness of this condition by using the term frivolously.

‘The Weather Is So Bipolar Today.’

Sure, it may snow in the morning, warm up for an hour, and then snow again all afternoon, but it is impossible for the weather to literally be bipolar. Likewise, it’s highly unlikely that your friend having a few ups and downs today is actually experiencing the often debilitating symptoms of bipolar. Using the term bipolar in these contexts misrepresents the experience and can minimize the condition.

A person experiencing bipolar is likely to experience serious shifts in mood that may range from dangerously euphoric to suicidal. These drastic changes can seriously hinder one’s life if left untreated. Instead of using the term bipolar, consider describing the weather as unstable or unpredictable, and referring to your friend as being in a bad mood or having a hard time.

‘This Makes Me Want to Kill Myself.’

You fail your math exam and you exclaim in frustration, “I just want to die.” Or something else mildly unfortunate happens and you casually say, “This makes me want to kill myself.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States with almost 40,000 Americans dying from suicide each year. People who commit or attempt suicide do not necessarily want to die; rather, they may want to be free of pain.

If you find yourself upset with your circumstances and wanting to express your frustrations, be mindful of your word choice in this matter. It’s very likely someone in your vicinity has been touched by suicide in some way.

‘Stop Being So Paranoid.’

Paranoia is a symptom of many mental health conditions and can be detrimental to a person’s life. True paranoia can cause people to have serious trust issues and unwarranted fear and anxiety, as well as feelings of persecution and exaggerated self-importance.

When you find a friend may be worrying too much or over-analyzing something, avoid using the term paranoid and replace it with other descriptive words such as mistrusting or fearful.

‘I’m So Addicted.’

You might find yourself saying something like, “I’m so addicted to this TV show” to mean that you really enjoy it. But most likely, you are not truly addicted to it. Addiction is a serious mental health issue that can destroy lives, both of the person addicted and that person’s loved ones.

There’s a considerable difference between appreciating or enjoying something and being addicted to it. Be mindful of this distinction when you speak.

Although more than 23 million Americans experience some form of substance abuse, up to 40 million additional Americans are indirectly affected by it. These numbers do not account for non-substance addictions such as gambling, spending, or sex addiction.

There’s a considerable difference between appreciating or enjoying something and being addicted to it. A person experiencing addiction may want to stop engaging in an addictive behavior, but may feel unable to do so regardless of its continued negative consequences. Be mindful of this distinction when you speak, so as not to disparage the serious problems addiction can cause.

‘That’s Crazy/Insane/Mad/Nuts.’

It’s becoming far too common to use the word crazy and related synonyms lightly. People may think that using these terms to describe behavior that seems odd, eccentric, or strange is harmless, but it can be damaging to the self-esteem of those experiencing real mental health conditions.

The stigma alone is enough to make people feel isolated, keep them from seeking the treatment they truly need, or cause them to completely deny their symptoms altogether. But these terms, often used in a manner that belittles those who actually experience mental health issues, reinforce the dangerous stigma of mental health issues by painting them in a derogatory way.

Words Have Power; Think Before You Speak

Avoiding stigmatizing terms and phrases that cause shame, minimize experiences, and misrepresent reality can help eliminate a major obstacle to treatment. It’s not simply about being politically correct, requiring that you tiptoe around your words; the point is to simply stop and think about what you say and be mindful of how your choice of words may affect others.

If you would like to learn more about how you can raise awareness of mental health conditions and help remove stigma, check out our blog this month or visit Mental Health America for more information and resources about Mental Health Awareness Month.

References:

1. Corrigan, Patrick. (September 4, 2014). Stigma as a Barrier to Mental Health Care. Association for Psychological Science. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/stigma-as-a-barrier-to-mental-health-carhtml
2. Mental Health America. May is Mental Health Month. Retrieved from: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/may
3. Mental Health America. Mental Health Information. Retrieved from: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/mental-health-information
4. Schumaker, Erin. (April 17, 2015). It’s Time To Stop Using These Phrases When It Comes to Mental Illness. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/17/mental-illness-vocabulary_n_7078984.html