Many children and adolescents with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) have a hard time keeping track of their assignments, after-school activities, doctor’s appointments, and other daily tasks and commitments. Parents, of course, often take on the responsibility of reminding them about these things and making sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. While that certainly helps in the short term and can minimize parenting headaches, providing kids affected by ADHD with opportunities and tools to develop organizational skills is a better long-term strategy.

Helping kids with ADHD keep track of their schedules ideally should begin at a young age with at least keeping them aware of what their schedule is. A large calendar in a common area, a color-coded, hour-by-hour schedule, or a similar item is especially helpful for preschool and elementary school-aged children. Older children and teens may also benefit from calendars on tablets, smartphones, and other portable devices. This can reinforce the idea that technology can be useful as well as fun.

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The following tips are suggested for keeping track of activities on a device:

• Put the school day, after-school activities, doctor’s appointments, trips, etc. into a calendar app. Ideally, it should be synced with one on the family computer.
• Have a shared family calendar, but allow your child to have their own private calendar.
• Encourage them to use alerts as reminders. In some instances, having teens set alerts to go off when they are in specific locations (places outside of school) could be helpful.

For younger children and teens, using a whiteboard or some sort of visual list of tasks can be helpful. Older children and teens often benefit from using task lists on electronic devices (provided they have frequent access to them). However, often kids (and adults, too) put items on a task list and forget to check it, so the tasks do not get done. Thus, here are some suggestions for maximizing the effectiveness of electronic to-do lists:

• Have your child or teen download a few different ones to see what format they like best.
• Especially for younger children, set up lists so you also have access to them.
• For children/teens of all ages, have a private to-do list and a shared one so your child can add items they need you to do (complete permission slips, etc.) and you can add items for them to do (pick up milk after school, etc.).
• Make sure alerts go off at times when your child/teen realistically is able to do the task.
• Take advantage of apps that integrate a task list and calendar and visually show tasks on the calendar at the time they are scheduled to be completed.
• Don’t have your child/teen put every little thing they need to do on the list (say, 20 or 30 items on a single list) because it may be overwhelming and thus decrease the likelihood they follow through on completing items.

No matter which tools you use to help your child or teen with time management, electronic or otherwise, it is important to help them build organizational skills from a young age that extend beyond you constantly reminding them. Learning not only where to be and what to do, but doing so on their own, fosters feelings of self-efficacy and accomplishment, decreases reliance on parents, and is a core skill they can use throughout their lives.

All close relationships have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the fabric of the relationship. At these times, the wounded partner’s experience can typically be summarized as either: “When I needed you most, you weren’t there for me,” or, “I trusted you and you betrayed me.” Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, “I will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.”

Practitioners of emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a well-researched, effective model of couples therapy, call these destructive experiences attachment injuries. EFT encourages hurt partners to share not just the facts about their injury, but the deep pain and sadness they experienced. Offending partners are helped to listen non-defensively, fully understand the emotional impact of their behavior on the injured partner, and express sincere remorse and regret. Couples are then guided through the process of asking for and receiving the comfort and support that was missing at the time of the injury.

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When partners complete this process, many find their bond is not just repaired but strengthened. They understand each other’s needs and experiences in new ways that allow them to be more responsive to each other in the future.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner’s trust, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn’t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such monumental consequences, ashamed of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry your partner was unwilling to move on.

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?

At that moment, your confusion, fear, anger, hurt, or despair placed you at high risk of doing something to make things worse. Or, afraid to say or do the wrong thing, you might have done nothing at all. Either way, your good work in understanding and acknowledging past mistakes could easily be undone.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

What you may not have understood is that you—your presence, comfort, and understanding—were the key to your partner’s recovery. Your partner felt alone and abandoned at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, “Do you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?” If the answer is, “Yes, I’m here and I care, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” your relationship has taken at least a small step forward. If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless, your partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.

A couple I recently saw—I’ll call them Allison and Mark—exemplify how couples can continue to struggle after a heartfelt apology. After months of working on their relationship in therapy, Allison summoned the courage to tell Mark how deeply wounded she had been since a dismissive remark he made to her several years earlier, at a time she was depressed and overwhelmed.

Because of the good work they had already done on their relationship, Mark was able to take in Allison’s experience without defending himself or minimizing her pain. Understanding the magnitude of her wound, he was stricken. He expressed his heartfelt apology and sat with her in a moment of shared sorrow.

But the wall Allison had put up to protect her from ever feeling that vulnerable and hurt again did not immediately come down. “I wish I could just take the wall down and move on,” she told him sadly, “but I can’t yet. I don’t know why.”

And then he panicked. What if Allison never recovered from this injury? What if there was no way to undo or repair the damage? What if she decided he couldn’t be the man she needs?

In his panic, Mark tried to convince her they couldn’t change the past and she needed to begin trusting him again. He understood what he did wrong, and he would try to be a better partner. But instead of feeling reassured, Allison felt he was telling her, “You shouldn’t be feeling hurt and alone anymore. You should be able to move on.”

If the conversation stopped here, as it often did at home, Allison would have felt Mark was once again dismissing her feelings, leaving her to struggle alone. She would have felt less trust in him than before the apology and added a few more bricks to her self-protective wall.

But this time, I was able to explain that Allison needed a different kind of reassurance. Mark then turned to her and said, “I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I don’t care how long it takes for you to take the wall down. I’m here and I love you.”

And with that, their relationship took a small but important step forward.

Marriages are often perceived by those who aren’t in them or by those who have suffered in them to be a place of restriction, resentment, and lack of understanding. Many other people, meanwhile, consider marriage to be the holy grail, the fountain of youth, and the best thing since sliced bread.

So why are so many bad marriages bad? What do so many of them have in common?

Although it may be a gross overgeneralization, trauma is often a major culprit. It’s sneaky, hides in the darkest and deepest places within a person, and boy, is it persistent!

If you’re married, I want you to reflect on your life and your marriage. What experiences have you had that could be affecting your marriage today? If you are having trouble coming up with answers, let me cite a handful I have seen come into play: growing up in a single-parent home, economic struggles, parental infidelity or divorce/separation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, lack of affection, trust breaches, deployment, illness, death of a loved one, miscarriage, even the birth of a child (yes, that can be traumatic, too!). I can list pages of experiences that might be considered traumautic.

For the purposes of explaining how trauma can undermine a marriage, I am going to use the example of childhood sexual abuse experienced by a female.

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When Childhood Traumas Haunt Adult Relationships

Elliott and Briere (1992) confirmed their long-held belief that women who experience childhood sexual abuse were not only more likely to have symptoms of posttraumatic stress, but also to have increased negative outcomes across several areas, including their marriages. For example, women participating in the study who had been sexually abused were more likely to have reported divorces than their non-sexually abused counterparts.

The fact the extent of the abuse (whether it was an inappropriate lap-sit or a long-term incestuous relationship) did not correlate to better or worse outcomes is important to consider in the context of relationship issues. The presence of ANY sexual abuse, no matter its form or extent, may be detrimental to a person’s relationships in the long run.

So if someone wants to prevent sexual trauma from affecting their marriage, what should they do? Where should they go?

The Role of Therapy

Time and time again, couples counseling has paid off for people who worked through such trauma together. In a research study by Macintosh and Johnson (2008), dealing with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse helped more than half of participating couples achieve improved relationships.

My suggestion, however, is for couples in situations like this to go beyond couples counseling and for each partner to also pursue individual therapy. Many therapists will see both partners individually as well as together. If you choose this route, it is important to do your research on prospective therapists. Generally speaking, you want someone who specializes in or is highly experienced with trauma.

What to Expect During a Consultation

In my own practice, my routine is to meet with couples prior to beginning treatment for a consultation where I listen to general issues and history (I always assess for trauma), formulate a treatment plan, and give an estimation of therapy length. I talk about the risks, some of the difficulties, and the importance of the couple’s engagement and commitment to doing the needed work. Then I let the couple decide if they want to schedule a session.

No one gets the same treatment plan or approach. Some couples see me individually as well as in couples counseling, while in other cases I see the couple together only. For some, I may even suggest a different therapist to provide the individual or couples therapy.

Whatever you pursue and whoever you choose to pursue it with, please make sure it is a good fit.

References:

1. Elliott, D. M., & Briere, J. (1992). Sexual abuse trauma among professional women: Validating the Trauma Symptom Checklist-40 (TSC-40). Child Abuse & Neglect, 16(3), 391-398. doi:10.1016/0145-2134(92)90048-v
2. Macintosh, H. B., & Johnson, S. (2008). Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(3), 298-315. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00074.x

How can being in therapy improve your self-esteem? Once we understand both the roots of self-esteem and the essence of therapy, the answer becomes clear.

Self-esteem has been described in many ways, but it can be thought of—and experienced—most simply as the absence of needless shame. In a sense, high self-esteem is the opposite of chronic shame.

This has nothing to do with thinking everything you do is great or even okay; it’s not an evaluation of your behavior or how “great” you are. People with high self-esteem may criticize their own behavior at times. They can afford to be realistic about how they’re doing because their basic worth as human beings isn’t in question. People with low self-esteem (i.e., those who experience chronic, needless shame), on the other hand, may display a need to be right all the time, or may tend to see themselves as “better” than others. Such tendencies may help compensate for a fragile sense of worth.

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How Low Self-Esteem Typically Develops

Most of us learn in childhood we’re far from perfect, and that our words and actions sometimes make other people unhappy. Since kids typically have a hard time mentally separating themselves from their behavior, hundreds of behavior corrections over the course of childhood can lead to shame about the self: If Johnny does something wrong, Johnny feels he IS wrong—as a person.

One of the psychological products of childhood, then, is some level of subconscious shame. Many adults still tell themselves silently all the time, “There’s something wrong with me.” This is low self-esteem.

How Therapy Improves Self-Esteem

Once in therapy, people begin (usually cautiously) to share their inner thoughts and feelings with the therapist. If the therapist responds with acceptance and compassion rather than judgment or correction, the person in therapy generally relaxes into what can be an extremely productive therapeutic relationship.

With consistent acceptance, compassion, and understanding from the therapist, the person in therapy risks sharing even more “shameful” parts of themselves during sessions. When the therapist continues to respond with acceptance, a brand-new idea is born inside the person: “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me after all.” This is how low self-esteem is often healed.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself.

Just as needless shame is the product of a lack of acceptance through necessary social corrections (“Don’t pick your nose in public,” for example), its opposite, high self-esteem, blooms in an atmosphere of acceptance.

Your attitude toward yourself (“I’m okay” as opposed to “I’m not okay”) is not a fact, but a belief. Whatever you believe about yourself is based on experience. For example, if you received a lot of corrections in childhood, as most of us did, you may believe you’re essentially bad and need to be corrected.

To change unwanted beliefs about yourself, you need a different experience on which to base a new belief. This is what psychotherapy offers.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself. Using that model, you can continue to improve your self-esteem between therapy sessions and long after therapy has ended.

It doesn’t matter what type or school of therapy you do—as long as you experience your therapist as accepting and affirming rather than judgmental or critical. If you feel as though you’re being judged or criticized, the first thing to do is talk with your therapist about it. If your therapist responds in any way other than with kindness, openness, and humility, it’s time to seek a different therapist. Your self-esteem is too important to place in the wrong hands.

At an age when human development can be awkward and challenging, a large number of children are additionally burdened with their parents’ divorce and resulting implications. Parental strife, parent-child conflict, familial and residential changes, financial problems—these factors and more can create the perfect storm of adolescent angst. As divorce affects every person differently, it also affects developmental age ranges differently. Even as they transition toward independence, adolescents continue to be caught in the upheaval and end of their families as they knew them.

Although the groundbreaking 25-year study by Wallerstein and Lewis (2004) is now 12 years old, its findings are still relevant today. Divorced children of all ages eventually reach a conclusion that terrifies them: personal relationships are unreliable, and even the closest family relationships cannot be expected to hold firm. This realization creates a shaky foundation that adolescents then use as a touchstone and reference when making their way in the world.

As further noted by Wallerstein and Lewis, two-thirds of the children they studied experienced multiple marriages and divorces, plus the unrecorded broken love affairs and temporary cohabitations of one or both parents. Fewer than 10% of the children had parents who established stable, lasting second marriages in which the children felt fully welcome and included. The frequent discrepancy in the post-divorce adjustment of their parents was also a source of deep distress to the children well into adulthood.

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It makes sense, then, that the turbulence and resultant pain associated with divorce creates a barrier for adolescent children of divorce to feel stable and hopeful. When adolescents see their parents divorce, there may be either a sense of “it won’t happen to me (when I’m an adult)” or “all relationships end up broken, so I won’t even try.” Which is why, as noted in the study, divorce is not an acute stress from which the child recovers, but a “life-transforming experience” (Wallerstein and Lewis, 2004).

Often, a dramatic change in family structure accompanies divorce. Logistically, one parent must leave the family home. This parental absence creates an absence in the child’s life that is irreversible. Although adolescents are moving toward independence, the parental role is far from minimized at this age. Adolescents accustomed to two parents typically come to rely on them as moral guides, support systems, and physical presences in their lives. As written by Marquardt (2005), almost two-thirds of divorced children felt they lived in two families and inherited two worlds in which to grow up. This sense of division can be challenging if there are two sets of rules and standards to balance. It is almost as if children become travelers into the newly adopted lives of their parents, but without a road map to navigate the pathways.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Divorce also may bring about an enormous reallocation of money. Some researchers have suggested that the economic hardship custodial parents face following divorce is the critical factor in predicting children’s post-divorce adjustment. Dramatic losses in income may contribute to additional life stresses such as moving to a smaller residence in neighborhoods with increased crime, lower quality schools, and loss of familiar and developed community supports. Lower income also forces many custodial parents to work additional hours to cover basic necessities and bills. Financial strain, by the way, is one of the strongest predictors of depression in single parents.

Another significant aspect of divorce includes child support. Even though parents have been supporting their children financially since birth, the divorce and resultant child support payments create the illusion children are now a mandated financial obligation, like a loan or a bill, which may become a contentious battle if payments are withheld or missed.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Overall, according to Wallerstein (2004), adolescents from divorced homes acted out more than adolescents from intact homes. Twenty percent of girls in the Wallerstein study had their first sexual experience before age 14, and over half were sexually active with multiple partners during high school. As noted, it isn’t the sex itself that was relevant; it was the attention received. Divorce creates a void, and adolescents test themselves and their parents with their choices to fill it.

While divorce is often inevitable, its implications are far-reaching to all involved. Adolescents are particularly affected given they simultaneously want independence while needing nurturing and guidance. If parents are divided and conflicted, adolescent angst may be intensified, potentially causing lifelong issues.

References:

1. Marquartdt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
2. Wallerstein, J., & Lewis, J. (2004). The unexpected legacy of divorce: Report of a 25-year study. Psychoanalytic Psychology, Vol. 21 (3).

Many young adults have chosen, especially in recent years, to embark on what is known as a gap year. It has become more common for students to take a year off between high school and college. Malia Obama, for example, drew attention when she chose to defer her enrollment to Harvard. This decision helped publicize the mental health benefits that can result from taking a gap year.

College can be a risky environment for the development of mental health conditions. Many students in a post-secondary environment may experience symptoms of a mental health condition, and the American Psychological Association (APA) refers to the situation as a “growing crisis.”

In 2010, more than 45% of students involved in an American College Health Association survey reported feelings of hopelessness. The same year, a poll of college counselors found they considered about 44% of students to have severe psychological issues (up from just 16% in 2000).

[fat_widget_right]The gap year has been shown to reduce the likelihood of developing many of the symptoms that are most prevalent among college students, such as depression, alcohol abuse, disordered eating, and anxiety. These are not new findings. In fact, Harvard instituted a policy more than 15 years ago recommending that incoming undergraduates take a year off after high school, specifically to prevent psychological burnout. Since then, compelling evidence for the benefits of a gap year has only grown.

Coping with Transition After High School

Students in grade school often face academic pressures. Grades, careers, social lives, relationships, and other matters can contribute to the already significant stress of growing up. As a result, students may be especially susceptible to mental health issues with the added stress and pressure of college. Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.

According to the American Gap Association (AGA), 92% of students who choose to take a gap year say their intentions are to add life skills and experience personal growth. Studies of returning gap year students have found they demonstrate significantly higher gains in these areas, when compared to those who did not take the break. Participants specifically identified being in a new, non-academic environment as the most meaningful part of the experience.

[amazon_affiliate]As discussed in There Is Life After College by University of Arizona professor Jeffrey Selingo, a new, “real world” setting brings with it new challenges, often forcing people to find new ways to deal with situations they would not typically be exposed to as students. Selingo helps parents, higher-education leaders, and young adults understand how to succeed in school to better navigate the current job market.

In the not-too-distant past, a college education would have almost guaranteed a lifetime of employment. Students today face a different reality; even graduate degrees may not include the promise of economic success, and job stability is becoming more uncommon. Selingo suggests there is abundant potential for making personal developments through the transitional experiences associated with taking a gap year, and these gains may be responsible for inspiring better adaptive behaviors in the future.

A Gap Year’s Impact on Motivation

Many parents and teachers worry that time away from a structured educational environment might leave students with less motivation to continue their academic careers. Research shows gap years do have a connection to decreased motivation, but the results of this lowered motivation may be positive. Motivation is directly connected to psychological well-being through the neurotransmitter dopamine (among other things), so this fundamental change may be one of the mechanisms through which the gap year helps to safeguard mental health.

Taking a gap year can give students time to psychologically decompress, alleviating and potentially eliminating many of the stressors that have accumulated during high school.A study by University of Sydney professor Andrew Martin measured academic motivations in Australian students before and after taking a gap year. Low academic performance and motivation in high school were both found to be associated with a higher likelihood of taking a gap year, but high motivation and the development of adaptive behaviors in college were correlated with gap year participation.

These results may suggest time away from school provides an opportunity for students to mature in a variety of productive ways. This coincides with previous research that identifies the time spent during a gap year as a facilitator of cross-cultural learning and evaluations of personal values.

Gap years have consistently been found to be associated with mental health benefits for more than 15 years. They may facilitate positive effects, such as aiding in stress reduction, enabling motivational changes, and accelerating the adoption of adaptive behaviors. Many gap year students exhibit gains in confidence, sense of identity, and self-esteem that can last well after the conclusion of their academic careers. The practice is likely to become even more popular as such findings become more well known, and as educational institutions continue to promote its usefulness for students transitioning into college.

References:

1. American Gap Association (2015). Gap year data and benefits. Retrieved from http://www.americangap.org/data-benefits.php
2. American Psychological Association (n. d.) The state of mental health on college campuses: A growing crisis. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/about/gr/education/news/2011/college-campuses.aspx
3. Crawford, C., & Cribb, J. (2012). Gap year takers: uptake, trends and long term outcomes. Institute for Fiscal Studies through the Centre for Analysis of Youth Transitions (CAYT). London, UK: Department for Education. Retrieved from https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/219637/DFE-RR252.pdf
4. Dell’Antonia, K. J. (2016, April 19). Gap year may have benefits long after college. Retrieved from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/04/19/gap-year-may-have-benefits-long-after-college/?ref=health&_r=1
5. Harvard College (2011). Should I take time off? Retrieved from https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/preparing-college/should-i-take-time
6. Martin, A. J. (2010). Should students have a gap year? Motivation and performance factors relevant to time out after completing school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 102(3), 561. Retrieved from http://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ892653
7. McPhate, M. (2016, May 2). Malia Obama’s ‘gap year’ is part of a growing (and expensive) trend. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/03/us/malia-obamas-gap-year-is-part-of-a-growing-and-expensive-trend.html?_r=0
8. Selingo, J. (2016). There Is Life After College. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
9. Sparks, S. D. (2010, September 15). Research suggests a ‘gap year’ motivates students. Retrieved from http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2010/09/15/04gap.h30.html

We all have things and ideas and ventures that we turn over in our minds, sometimes on paper, maybe with other people who share our inconsistent commitments—projects that, even in their incompleteness, still have some hold on us. Our interest and our thoughts keep circling back to that place. We come back to them again and again, and we work on them in fits and starts. Unrealized projects we have yet to find the space or time to help become something concrete in our lives.

My unrealized projects are the fragments I have been writing for years about my mother. The Book (probably an overly optimistic way of seeing it, but we’ll go with that for now), or A Thousand Illegible Scribbles (I have the title, at least), that keeps flipping me on the back of the head, insisting that I pay attention. For almost a decade, my mom has struggled with a mental health condition. I’m still not sure what it is. It’s easier to describe symptoms than state a diagnosis. She cycles through the day between extreme emotional states—through anger and frustration, through sadness and a deep, deep stasis. She doesn’t think she has a head. She stares in the mirror to locate herself, brushes her hair ritualistically. She struggles with self-care; the shower hurts. She knows that I’m her daughter, but no longer cares for me as one. Her script has been unchanged for years: “I’m a bit nervous.” “I just worry about my sleep.” “I was a good mum, wasn’t I?”

[fat_widget_right]To gather the fragments of the book, my own unrealized (or maybe unrealizable) project, I decided to sit down with Amber Cady for an Office Hour on Unfinished Business. This was part of the program that day at Storefront Institute, a cultural and learning organization I recently launched with Kate Griffin in the San Francisco Bay Area. Amber is both a practicing artist and therapist, a combination that drew me to her (my own background is in contemporary art curation). She brings together the high-level ideological language of the art world with the empathy, compassion, and openness of the wellness industries. She’s my unicorn.

Amber’s Office Hour, then, sat between these two seemingly opposing but actually quite complementary worlds: she had designed a session that would take on a creative project that is loved and obsessed over, but that we don’t actually work on or don’t work on enough to actually make happen. Amber’s Office Hours would try to help us figure out why that particular project—that artwork or business, that blog or zine— keeps mattering, why it keeps insisting on space in our lives. She’d bring to our creative endeavors an emotional life and give them validity.

I started writing A Thousand Illegible Scribbles four years ago. It started with an article that was published in The Independent newspaper in the UK. There was a story that my mother couldn’t tell herself, but I could. And through telling it, I thought that I could do more for her, and others like her.

Would you put your mental health story, or that of your family, down on the page? Do you talk about it? Do you share your anxiety, depression, break-downs?

I’ve dealt with my mother’s struggles in various ways: spending time at home. Spending time away. Seeking out people to help her, to help my dad who is home with her, to help me. I have researched and discussed her condition. I have planned and argued with and for her. And I have written (in bursts), since I realized the condition that began the year I got engaged, like my marriage, had the promise of a life-long commitment.

I now have 40,000 words, pages and pages of fragments. I sit down and write when there’s no outlet for what I feel about her condition, or when she’s having a bad episode and I’m back in the UK living alongside her every day, or when we have any interaction that throws me back with her and less in California, where I now live.

“I suggested a walk. Mom asked to feed the ducks at Marbury Park. She’d collected scraps of bread which, it turned out, meant dad had pulled together almost a whole fresh sliced loaf. She didn’t notice. Too cold outside for us in April, we walked straight from the car park to the lake. She broke off the bread in handfuls, almost like pulling out hair, and chucked it at the ducks. Bits so big they should have choked. Ten seconds to tear through a loaf, then back to the car.”

Having done my own time on the couch, I know the structure of weekly therapy, but my Office Hour with Amber was different. The orientation of the session, its focus on unfinished business, meant that I had a clear, definable framework in which to work. Though going into it, I had thought that we’d talk about words on the page, about how to get the book going, about how the pieces I write occasionally can come together into a coherent whole. Plotting and planning its progress, making it take shape, setting goals. But this was therapy-of-sorts, and we lingered in that space of the emotional content that makes up the book.

Over the course of an hour, as we sat in the cozy booth at Makeshift Society where these sessions were held, Amber took me through four different ways of thinking about the project. We covered the strengths that the book represented for me and with that, the daily build that would support it, the obstacles for working on its daily pages, the allies and supportive forces to fortify progress, and the self-care necessary for keeping it a reality. Amber talked with me about how our creative projects are not just carefully contained goals, but real relationships, with all the complexity and messiness that those entail. Especially this one.

Talking with Amber, that’s where I got—this project is so much more than building chapters and momentum. It’s a deeply meaningful and emotional project that is about connection. Connection with my mother and the family I left behind.

“Mom paces. Dad was 40 minutes late for coffee, but we were together in a nice café, with warm drinks and each other’s company. Not so bad, but she slipped off her chair and shuffled from side to side, looking around for dad, though when he appeared she didn’t see him.”

But Amber also helped me realize the reason that this book languishes in that “unfinished business” category. She helped me identify the huge emotional roadblock, the one that would and does keep me away from the book: the threat of conflict. As much as it touches on urgency and meaning, the book also touches on points of contention and denial. It’s about connection, but holds the promise of its opposite: disconnecting me from those I care about.

When you talk about mental health, you very quickly enter the language of stigma; when you talk about mental health in your own family, you very quickly get to your own family’s biases and fears around the subject. To write to this subject means opening up our lives in ways that are terrifying and complicated to those involved, to admit to a problem that we don’t want to identify. I see writing as the invitation to connect, as an opening to a conversation, and I believe that we need to talk about the reality of mental health in our society.

But writing can end relationships too. As soon as I write a sentence, any sentence, there’s the possibility that the conversation I want to have around my mother’s situation may end in silence. Family members may shut down and turn away, or accuse me of airing our dirty laundry in public, acting on motivations that have more to do with fame and money than impact and value.

“By day three she is angry. She’s already at the breakfast table when I come down for a shower. She wears a ridiculous fluffy peach sweater that accentuates her size and attracts my baby daughter’s curiosity. She says nothing. No acknowledgement of the new baby, no acknowledgment of her old daughter. No good morning. Dad makes slightly burnt bacon butties. He asks Mom again and again if she wants one. Always ‘no.’ Her rice crispies are already stuck to her sweater. ‘No.’ I put the baby down for a nap, then hear ‘No,’ louder this time. My husband shuffles our son out of the house. I hear them chatting. More ‘No’s. Voices starting to rise.”

The book, even just lingering in the idea stage, contains the power dynamics in my family, the lingering shock of losing people I have loved, the pain that confrontation can bring. I’ve been framing the project as a way of making meaning from an awful situation, of researching and thinking and processing ways beyond how we currently think about mental health. Done in the right way, it may help my mum, my family, me, and others like her. But received wrongly, it might go the other way.

We are all touched by mental health issues. We know that now. We know that one in four people lives with mental health issues. We know someone who has a mental health condition. We’re starting to learn that we need to take care of our psychological well-being as much as our physical selves. We’re increasingly comfortable going to therapy or seeking help when we’re in crisis. What we’re less able to do is tell our stories or share our experiences or stand out as that someone who is, in fact, struggling. We’re not there yet. My mum is not there yet. My family isn’t. Maybe I’m not, either.

So this is what we do: we hide her away, we deal with it in private, hoping the neighbors don’t call the police with another outburst, that the local coffee shop doesn’t get tired of her rants and ask her to leave, that people don’t continue to turn away from our family, to give up on us. And we don’t get the help we need because we mistrust, we’re afraid, and we don’t talk about it, don’t know how to, and actually don’t want to.

That’s the real reason for the book—the belief that we need to tell our stories, to ourselves and each other, to make sense of our mental health. We need to talk about what preventative care looks like, what we do when someone “gets sick,” and resources for how to care for someone with a mental health condition. But it’s also a threat. Would you put your mental health story, or that of your family, down on the page? Do you talk about it? Do you share your anxiety, depression, break-downs?

Yeah, that’s where I am, too. Right in that space of knowing that to reach out is necessary, but to do so, in the words of my mother tongue, is bloody terrifying. That fear can silence us, even when we need those words on the page more than anything. That’s not just my unfinished business—it’s ours.

Claire Fitzsimmons is the Founder and Co-Director of Storefront Institute, a co-learning space based in San Francisco’s Bay Area that delivers discussion-based public programs facilitated by innovative practitioners – writers, artists, designers, teachers, and thinkers. Our programs provide the practical, social, and intellectual connections to open up new perspectives that help us better navigate our lives. Claire is a curator who has worked internationally and has spent more than a decade as an exhibition-maker and explorer of ideas and cultural practice.

Recently, I’ve found myself somewhat annoyed at the Pinterest mental health community. I know some may consider it taboo to disagree with other mental health professionals or, worse, to challenge the beliefs of people who live with mental health conditions, but I feel strongly that many in my profession do a great disservice to the people we serve and our culture by perpetuating the belief mental health issues are mostly biological and always require treatment. What irks me even more is that in a well-intentioned effort to reduce stigma, we may suggest there is relatively little individual choice or personal power in creating an emotionally healthful life for oneself.

I saw a pin on Pinterest recently that read, “Depression is an Illness, not a Choice,” and it made me angry. While a temporary state of depression can sometimes be caused by biological or hormonal factors, such as in the case of premenstrual dysphoria, most forms of depression are not caused by biological factors but rather by social factors, learned thinking styles, and ineffective behavioral choices. The desire to reduce mental health stigma is well-intentioned, but our efforts can be misguided at times, and we have gone overboard.

Here’s why.

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First, feelings of depression and anxiety, among other unpleasant experiences, are a normal part of the human condition. Most of us, at one time or another, have avoided doing something because it made us nervous. Are we all disordered? Do we all need medication? By discounting the fact ups, downs, and difficult emotions can be part of normal human growth and development experiences, we fail to give people the knowledge, support, and tools they need to move past those difficult periods. We label these feelings “disorders,” which can affect how people view themselves and can become a permanent part of their identity and self-concept.

Second, the medical model of labeling feelings as “illnesses” limits recovery options. In American culture, we have been conditioned to believe illnesses require medication. So that’s how we treat them. In other cultures, even some medical illnesses do not necessarily dictate the use of medication. There is an Ayurvedic saying about illness: “When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is right, medicine is of no need.” Although diet isn’t the only factor at play, this ancient wisdom underscores the importance of a healthy lifestyle in avoiding illness.

I believe this notion extends to mental health as well. A healthy emotional lifestyle includes learning how to communicate in relationships to increase closeness and social support; it means learning how to believe in your abilities, conquer your fears, and try new things; and it means practicing mind-calming techniques, such as meditation and yoga, and having the courage to heal old wounds while learning how to create your own happiness.

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I recently interviewed Dr. Barry Duncan, author of What’s Right With You: Debunking Dysfunction and Changing Your Life. He struck a chord with me when he said, “As crazy as it sounds, problems, like depression, also provide possibilities for living our lives differently, for reaching new conclusions. Depression is obviously painful, and it brings attention to the fact we are not happy with some aspect of our lives. The depression, therefore, can be a life-transformation vehicle.”

I agree wholeheartedly. I have experienced severe depression myself—several episodes, in fact. I have felt suicidal on occasion. Yet, those difficult times helped me. They helped me learn about myself, to seek out support and build relationships, and to have more empathy for others who go through similar challenges. Suffering can be a tool for growth, and personal growth, in turn, can lead to more happiness and inner peace.

As Dr. Duncan puts it, “Depression represents a profound crisis—it calls into question our very identity and how we are conducting our lives. It is at once a crisis point, a real danger and an opportunity for incredible change.”

By perpetuating the belief depression is an illness, we encourage people to take medication—that in many cases may not help them and can, in some cases, make them worse—without looking at the entire picture of why an individual is depressed and what is truly the best form of help for that person’s unique set of circumstances.

Third, by perpetuating the belief depression is an illness, we encourage people to take medication—that in many cases may not help them and can, in some cases, make them worse (Sparks, J., Duncan, B., Cohen, D., & Antonuccio, D., 2010; Valentstein, E., 1998)—without looking at the entire picture of why an individual is depressed and what is truly the best form of help for that person’s unique set of circumstances. My view is that in a limited number of cases, medication can be beneficial in the short term but only in combination with psychotherapy. Without therapy, the underlying cause of the depression goes unresolved and the person does not acquire the tools to prevent further episodes.

Dr. Duncan makes an excellent point when he talks about how we, in mental health professions, have contributed to perpetuating myths about a biological basis for depression and, in the process, helped pharmaceutical companies create learned helplessness in people. Many people have bought into the notions life should not include struggle and most individuals do not have the strength or creativity to navigate their challenges. We are empathic and do not enjoy seeing the people we serve suffer, so we often suggest medication. The use of antidepressants has consequently skyrocketed over the past two decades, yet two-thirds of Americans still report not being “very happy.” Something isn’t working.

Dr. Duncan surprised me with his next comment, and it gave me pause. He suggested that, perhaps unwittingly, mental health practitioners have bought into the illness model of mental health in part because it sustains our work and income. I had never thought of this before, but it’s a perspective worth examining. I don’t remember ever saying to a person after an intake session: “I think what you are going through is normal. You don’t really need therapy for this.” Hmm …

The Science of Depression

There are many theories about a possible neurological cause of depression, but very little evidence. In spite of advances in research technologies and neuroimaging studies, a biological cause or marker for depression has yet to be found (Duncan, B., 2005).

Further, meta-analytic reviews of medication treatment for depression found the difference between taking medication and a placebo was less than two points on a popular depression scale (Kirsh, I., 2014). One study found that a psychiatrist with a positive therapeutic alliance with his patients was more effective in improving depression symptoms with a placebo than was a psychiatrist with a poor therapeutic alliance administering a real antidepressant drug (Krupnick, J., Sotsky, S. M., Simmens, S., Moyer, J., Elkin, I., Watkins, J., & Pilkonis, P.A., 1996). In other words, relationships may heal more effectively than medication. In its totality, the research shows that except for a small percentage of people with severe depression, medication does not work well to remit most depressions and, in many cases, has adverse effects.

How to Heal Depression

There are many options to consider in treating your depression. Here are a few:

1. Make life changes. Sometimes medication allows you to tolerate an intolerable situation. For example, if you have to take medication to cope with your stressful life, it may be time to reevaluate how you live life and perhaps make major changes. One person I work with in therapy decided she would stop being angry and verbally abusive, would learn to have healthy boundaries and say no when appropriate, and discontinue living with a husband who is addicted to alcohol and has a girlfriend on the side. Although this was a difficult time for her, she is much happier now and no longer reports depression symptoms.
2. Give it some time. Some episodes of depression spontaneously remit with time. Improvement without treatment ranges from 20% to 60% for a given episode of depression (Duncan, B. 2005).
3. Seek psychotherapy. Studies show psychotherapy is more beneficial than medication in the long run. Therapy maintains a positive effect over time, while medication does not. Psychotherapy can help you identify the causes of your depression and develop a more personalized plan for how you can get better. Therapy teaches the skills you need to manage your mood and difficult emotions. Most people report a lasting benefit when they participate in therapy for at least three to six months.

While medication may be the best option in some cases, research tells us psychotherapy is generally a more effective treatment for depression. The effects can last beyond the treatment, and there are few, if any, unwanted side effects. Therefore, in my view, it should be our first line of defense.

References:

1. Duncan, B. (2005). What’s Right With You: Debunking Dysfunction and Changing Your Life. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
2. Kirsch, I. (2014). Antidepressants and the Placebo Effect. Zeitschrift Fur Psychologie, 222(3), 128–134. http://doi.org/10.1027/2151-2604/a000176
3. Krupnick, J. L., Sotsky, S. M., Simmens, S., Moyer, J., Elkin, I., Watkins, J., & Pilkonis, P. A. (1996). The role of the therapeutic alliance in psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy outcome: Findings in the National Institute of Mental Health Treatment of Depression Collaborative Research Program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(3), 532-539. doi:10.1037/0022-006x.64.3.532
4. Sparks, J., Duncan, B., Cohen, D., & Antonuccio, D. (2010). Psychiatric drugs and common factors: An evaluation of risks and benefits for clinical practice. In B. Duncan, S. Miller, B. Wampold, & M. Hubble (Eds.), The heart and soul of change: Delivering what works in therapy (199-236). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
5. Valenstein, E. S. Blaming the Brain: The Truth About Drugs and Mental Health. Free Press, 1998.

In today’s busy society, where everyone is scrambling to find time for (fill-in-the-blank activity/ person), it can be challenging to carve out time that’s entirely for you. However, the value of having time for yourself cannot be measured. Within a romantic relationship, ensuring each person still has a sense of “me” can lead to stronger and more fulfilling experiences of “we.”

Why ‘Me’ Time Is Important

Think back to when you entered your relationship. Remember that you? Chances are the friends you had and the experiences you engaged in were among the factors that drew your partner in, at least a little.

Having individual experiences can be as valuable to the relationship as shared experiences. Leaving room to allow yourself to go out and experience life without always having your partner at your side leaves you with an opportunity to share your new experiences, ideas, and thoughts when you and your partner reengage.

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Challenges to ‘Me’ Time

Holding on to and expressing your individuality can be particularly challenging in codependent relationships where one partner feels like they have limited autonomy and control or that they have a controlling/demanding partner. If you find you encounter guilty feelings/thoughts or your partner becomes angry or resentful when you shift into “me” time, it might be wise to examine your relationship more closely. Maintaining a sense of self and engaging in activities independent of the partnership can be difficult even in healthy relationships, but having intense negative reactions to exploring activities outside of the relationship may be a sign it is moving into an unhealthy space.

‘Me’ Still Respects the ‘We’

Making space for your individuality within your relationship does not mean you are exiting or avoiding the relationship. “Me” time should not be used as a method to escape difficult conversations or issues coming up in the relationship. If you find you are using alone time to escape, you might try reflecting on how your habits may be markers of unresolved issues and how you might become more present to tackle difficult moments.

Good “me” time respects the partnership and your partner by avoiding engagement in activities that may harm or disrupt the relationship or foster distrust. “Me” time can allow you to reconnect with what’s important to you and can be used to enhance the connection you have with your partner.

How to Make ‘Me’ Time

Schedule it! Your own time needs to be as important to you as your best friend’s birthday party or your partner’s promotion celebration. Let it live in your calendar and carry the same weight as other important plans.

When you live with your partner, finding time to be alone can become even more challenging. Speak with your partner and find ways to carve out physical and mental space for yourself to do things you enjoy doing—say, reading or working on puzzles.

Below are 20 ways to carve out time for yourself. See how many more you can come up with, then go about picking dates on the calendar to put them into place.

1. Set aside 30 to 45 minutes after work to do something YOU want to do.
2. Take a walk or a run by yourself.
3. Plan a date with your friends.
4. Plan a date night for yourself.
5. Tackle a hobby off your hobby list.
6. Spend time journaling without interruption.
7. Take a solo vacation.
8. Treat yourself to a spa day.
9. Exercise on your own.
10. Call a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with.
11. Go hear live music.
12. Go on a hike.
13. Take a long drive.
14. Go to a movie or museum.
15. Go to a cultural event.
16. Go shopping.
17. Engage in an academic pursuit.
18. Set up an individual counseling appointment to learn more about yourself.
19. Find a TV series to watch.
20. Explore an online meet-up group that matches your interests.

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

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2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.” —Francis Bacon, English philosopher

A large portion of the U.S. economy would grind to a halt if people made peace with their bodies. Billions of dollars are spent each year on plastic surgery, botox, lasers, corsets, diets, and psychotropics to deal with body-related depression and anxiety—all of it fueled by the advertisers’ goal: making people feel unattractive and inadequate. Photoshop and other image-manipulation tools, with their ability to refine and enhance the already polished, have only added to the impossibly perfectionistic landscape.

If you want to get off and stay off the train of self-loathing and body hatred, stop watching or listening to any programming that features ads. Ditto for many magazines. Embrace the way you were made.

If you have curly hair, learn to love it. If it’s thin and wispy, love that, too.

Curvy? Fabulous! No waist? Just great! Tall? Beautiful! Short? Lovely!

Celebrate your unique beauty.

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There will always be someone who finds you appealing. If you spend your life in a state of self-hatred, how can you expect to attract anyone you might want?

Try this approach instead.

Hate your thighs? Imagine having no legs. Hate your arms? Imagine them gone. Start being appreciative of what your body is and what it can do. Can you see? Hear? Move? If yes, lucky you. Lamenting what you don’t have and buying into unattainable ideals of beauty (always youthful, of course) is a clear path to misery.

Be strong. Swim against the tide of peer pressure and groupthink. Use your own brain. Decide for yourself what is important. If it’s looks and physical prowess, I can assure you they will fade. Then what?

When you don’t think you look your best, make a point of emphasizing your best qualities. Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps you are very kind. Let these qualities shine. Mother Teresa wasn’t a fashion icon, yet was beloved by more people than we can count. No one remembers Marie Curie for her looks, either.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

What do you bring to the table? Bring it! Even when you think you might look ravishing, your attention to externals may come with less focus on internals. How will that help develop you as a person? Bring your truest self to every situation; perhaps you won’t be universally liked, but whoever likes you will like the real you.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

Want a great relationship? Don’t base it on appearances. Anyone attracted primarily to your looks may want to trade you in for a newer model when you are no longer so fetching.

Want to feel better? Give yoga a try. Any yoga, unless it’s grueling and torturous, will help you make peace with your body. How does it do that? It combines mindfulness with deep breathing to promote calm. A relaxed body is usually happier than a stressed one. All those yummy chemicals yoga catalyzes may help you feel good about yourself.

Move your body, sleep at least seven hours a night, and eat a vegetable-heavy diet. If you do these things more days than not, a compelling case can be made that whatever weight you are is your natural, healthy weight.

Celebrate your unique beauty every day. Look in the mirror and do as motivational author Louise Hay does: say, “I love you, (your name), I really, really love you.” After thousands of repetitions, you just may start believing it too.

How much of your precious time do you want to spend having an adversarial relationship with your body? How do you want to feel about it? Do you want to appreciate all its miracles? Do you want to focus on everything that works well? When you hear yourself thinking a negative body thought, ask yourself, “Is that what I really want to tell myself? What would I rather think?” Practice this and see what effect it has.

Your body, right now, in its current form, is a temple. Treat it that way and watch what happens.

Reference:

Dent, M. (2016, March 9). Plastic Surgery Reaches a New Record: The Top 5 Nip-and-Tucks in 2015. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/09/plastic-surgery-reaches-a-new-record-the-top-5-nip-and-tucks-in-2015.html

By nature, humans are emotional creatures. When things are going well, you are likely to experience positive emotions that often lead to increased motivation and productivity. However, in times of hardship or stress, it can be challenging to leave negative feelings at home and keep them from impacting your work.

Whether you work in an office or from home, staying productive in times of personal crisis is no easy task. When a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, a pet passes away, or your partner loses a job, the added stress, grief, or anxiety can be distracting and sometimes even debilitating.

At some point, you may face a time when life stressors come up, and you may not be able to put your professional life on hold. Here are 11 tips to help you stay focused and remain productive in a time of personal crisis.

1. Adjust Your Schedule

In a time of crisis, you may need to adjust your schedule to accommodate personal matters. Time management is key to maintaining your professional life when your personal life requires more attention than usual.

Take a look at your schedule and see how you can adapt it. In medical situations, you may need to attend health appointments in the mornings and work later in the afternoon, or vice versa. Try to plan your day efficiently to maximize the value of the time you are able to put in at work. Consider scheduling your time in blocks with frequent breaks. Taking a break can help you reset and prevent emotional overwhelm.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for not performing as well as you think you should. Remember: you are human. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, anxious about a medical diagnosis, or stressed about some other personal matter, allow yourself to recognize your emotions as a normal part of the experience.

Feeling distracted or foggy during stressful times is not uncommon. It may take time to bounce back, so give yourself a break. Honor your feelings and do the best you can under the circumstances. Praise yourself for what you do manage to accomplish rather than feeling frustrated by any difficulties you may be experiencing.

Amy Armstrong, LPC, suggests embracing difficult emotions rather than suppressing them.

“For many of us, it’s tempting to tamp down those unpleasant feelings and hide them. This usually just increases your stress levels,” Armstrong said. “Confide in friends you trust. Get professional or peer support, if you are comfortable with that. Go for a run. Have a good cry. Most importantly: feel what you need to feel and let it out. I’m not advising anyone to freely cry at their desk because that can be problematic in other ways, but it’s important to own your feelings and give yourself an outlet. If you can do it in a fairly controlled way, those emotions are less likely to just pop up in places where they are less helpful to you—like in the middle of a stressful meeting.

3. Share with Discernment

[fat_widget_right]When times are tough, talking about your situation can provide you with support and help you process your emotions. However, it is important to use discernment when sharing personal details.

Depending on your situation, you might be obligated to share some information with your supervisor, but you may want to be more cautious when sharing information with coworkers.

Ask yourself how sharing this information could impact the relationship and your personal situation. Do you work in the type of workplace that is friendly and open with personal concerns? Are you prepared to hear any advice or input your coworkers may have about your situation? How might telling your coworkers impact your performance at work?

In some instances, sharing your situation with your colleagues may make things easier for you. In others, it could become more challenging. Consider the effects and use discernment before you choose to share.

4. Practice Living in the Moment

Meditation and mindfulness practices can help you embrace the moment and find feelings of inner peace and acceptance even during the hardest of times. By practicing being present, you can prevent yourself from ruminating about your problems, dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. A daily meditation practice can help you to remain mindful and present at work and help you stay focused on the task at hand.

It may also be helpful to reframe your time at work as an escape from what is happening in your personal life. Focusing on another task can provide temporary relief from any turmoil or crisis you may be dealing with at home.

5. Use Your Support System

Sometimes it can be tough to ask for help from others, even when it is needed the most. If you are dealing with a crisis, it can be very difficult to stay productive without a solid support system. Seek out the people in your life who you can count on during times of hardship and reach out to them. Perhaps you need someone to take your child to school, prepare meals, clean the house, or just to listen to you. If you try to maintain everything on your own, you’re more likely to experience emotional overwhelm, which will not only increase your stress, but it can wind up making you less productive in the long run.

6. Prioritize and Delegate

Recognize that your productivity potential will likely be lower during times of crisis. So make the best use of the productivity you have by prioritizing your tasks. Create to-do lists and prioritize the most important tasks first.

“Even though it’s difficult, this is a time to be diligent about saying no to extra commitments to people in your personal and professional life,” Armstrong said. “You’ve gone the extra mile for others when they were having difficulties, and you can do so again, but this isn’t the time.”

Delegating tasks to others can also be helpful. Look to your co-workers for assistance when possible, rather than trying to conquer everything on your own.

7. Practice Self-Care

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever. Do your best to take good care of yourself. Remember to eat healthy foods, exercise, and take time to rest.

“Self-care during times of personal crisis is crucial,” Armstrong said. “Don’t skimp on things like sleep, baths, workouts, walks, massages, or just time spent kind of zoning out for 10 minutes. Taking the time to take care of yourself is the best investment you can make during difficult times. It helps you maintain your resilience (and your sense of humor) when you need it the most.”

8. Acknowledge Difficult Days

Remember you are human. You are allowed to feel emotions. Some days will be more difficult than others. There may be days when you don’t have the strength to get out of bed. Even when you’re trying so hard to focus on what’s important, some tasks may slip your mind, and that’s okay.

“Even though it may sound selfish and may seem like everyone says this, if you are going through a personal crisis, you need to make sure that you put yourself first and are honest about what you can and cannot do,” Armstrong said.

Don’t berate yourself for your feelings. Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions at the surface, knowing that everything passes in time.

9. Choose Positive Coping Skills

Stress often makes it easier to reach for a vice. Whether it’s smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, overspending, gambling, or some other addictive habit, everyone has weaknesses. While vices may relieve some stressful feelings immediately, they usually wind up making things worse and increasing stress over time.

Rather than engaging in a bad habit, use positive coping mechanisms to deal with your stress. These might include spending time with loved ones, exercising, eating a healthy and delicious meal, napping, meditating, trying a new hobby, or working on a creative activity.

10. Take Some Time Off

As much as you might want to be productive, sometimes it is necessary to take some time off to heal. If things get too challenging to maintain, use some of your vacation or sick days and take some time away from work.

Though Armstrong advocates for a combination of an improved self-care routine, increased exercise, and therapy, she suggests people do an honest self-assessment on how they’re coping with everything.

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever.“If you are seriously considering taking a leave of absence from work, talk to your doctor and mental health professional as soon as possible regarding appropriate documentation. Also, contact your Human Resources department regarding the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA),” Armstrong said. “Do not tell your manager or co-workers about your personal crisis. It may seem tempting, but if you are considering a leave of absence, it is crucial that all of your information remain confidential and that starts with you. Even the Human Resources department should only be provided with the minimum amount of documentation required to substantiate your request for leave, and all of that should come from medical professionals, not you. It’s important to remember this because even though nobody is supposed to press you for details, they often do.”

Armstrong suggests the best time to request a leave of absence is before a personal crisis starts to affect your work performance. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from your employer. Oftentimes, people will be willing to work with you to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Many people may feel guilty for missing work, but remember emotional crises can sometimes be as debilitating as physical illnesses, and some time off may be the best way to start the healing process.

11. See a Therapist or Attend a Support Group

Therapists and counselors play an important role in helping people cope with a crisis. Psychotherapy can help individuals assess their situation and create positive coping skills to manage their stress.

Support groups can also be a valuable means of support. They are widely available for those facing many different life challenges, from cancer to divorce to drug addiction. Whatever you’re dealing with, being able to talk with another person who can empathize with your situation can be helpful.