A young person with shoulder-length hair and scarf tied around neck sits on window ledge, looking up, against background of trees and rooftops at sunsetSpiritual abuse, a type of abuse that results from a spiritual leader, system, or indoctrinated individual’s attempts to control and/or manipulate another individual, can be difficult to recognize, and many people are entirely unaware that this type of abuse even exists.

Those who are aware of spiritual abuse may understand this concept as the oppression or domination of individuals within a particular religious organization, leading these people to follow the leaders without dissent or question. While this is one manifestation, any abuse—committed intentionally or otherwise–that occurs in a religious context and negatively impacts a person’s spirituality, effectively diminishing or breaking their spirit, can be described as spiritual abuse.

Spiritual Abuse in Intimate Relationships

Spiritual abuse may occur in relationships, though some may not recognize they are experiencing abuse. A key feeling to look for, if you believe spiritual abuse may be present in your relationship, is shame. Shame, obvious at times but less apparent at others, can be experienced in many ways, all of which are likely to lead to hurt and pain.

Spiritual abuse can be recognized in many of the following situations but is not limited to these:

Many churches teach that in a heterosexual relationship, the male has supremacy over the female: the man is the head; the woman is the help-meet. This was true in the church I attended in my late teen years. I, and other young women, were given multiple reasons why God had arranged it thus. “Ladies, you should be so lucky to find a man to help and support!” we were told. As much as I hoped at the time to fit into this box, I—strong, opinionated, and stubborn as I was, and still am—simply didn’t. I push back. I make decisions. I desire to be involved in all aspects of a relationship, as an equal member, not a lesser part.

My partner, another member of the church, did not support these aspects of my nature. On more than one occasion we had disagreements in which he told me, jokingly at first, to “submit,” persisting until I stopped talking. His “joke” response continued, silencing me again and again until I lost the energy and willpower to defend myself further. To avoid that word, “submit,” I forfeited my voice and my opinions.

In this way, messages from religious organizations trickle down, affecting relationships, shattering the spirits of many, often leading to religious trauma syndrome or another lasting negative impact on mental health and well-being.

Spiritual Abuse in Parent-Child Relationships

Parent-child spiritual abuse, while common, may be tricky to recognize, as the line between abuse and influence can at times be blurry one. When does the attempt to influence and shape a child’s moral outlook through religious upbringing cross the line into abuse?

I imagine many individuals, when considering the topic of spiritual abuse, think of the movie Carrie. In this film, Carrie suffers extreme physical and spiritual abuse at the hands of her mother, all in the name of God.

Spiritual abuse perpetuated by parents, not always obvious or blatant, can be seen when parents:

The parent-child dynamic of spiritual abuse should not be equated with a parent’s attempt to raise a child in a religious household. Parents who follow a particular faith may read their child stories from a religious text, explain why certain morals are important or why they hold certain beliefs, and bring their child to church events. These are not examples of abuse when they are not forced on a child.

Further, parents who encourage their child to ask questions and provide the child with explanations instead of simply saying, “Because God says so,” can help their child learn, grow, and think critically. It is often worth it for a parent to take the time to explain to a child why they chose to follow a particular faith, as this serves to introduce the child to that unique and important aspect of the parent’s life.

Abuse in Small Cults

Society as a whole has become more aware of cult practices in recent years. Cults might exist as small branches of major religions or are large organizations in their own right, and they may be difficult to recognize or define. People who have left them, however, often report abusive practices, though many share that they did not recognize these tactics as abuse until they had a chance to step away from them.

Some of the following may be questions to consider:

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may wish to carefully consider the religious group to which you belong. It may be a good idea to seek the support of a trusted friend or family member along with professional help from a counselor, particularly one trained to provide help with spiritual and religious issues. A person should not have to worry that sharing their worries or opinions will lead to judgment or recrimination.

Abuse in Large Organizations

Spiritual abuse typically becomes more insidious as the size of the organization grows. In large organizations, however, the most common forms of abuse may be more difficult to identify.

One way of identifying whether you have been, or currently are, in a spiritually abusive relationship is to look at the leadership in your organization.

Spiritual abuse is sneaky. It hides in the fact that it is not commonly discussed and thus is often overlooked. But know that if you have experienced spiritual abuse or oppression, you are not alone, and compassionate help and support can help you overcome its effects.

The “loop” is an idea I have been developing as I continue my own spiritual exploration. Recently, the pastor giving a Christian church service I attended shared information I disagreed with. As I picked apart the message in my head, I experienced doubt about my own religious beliefs. As if the pastor had read my thoughts, he exclaimed, “And if you have doubt, that is because you are ensnared by sin.”

“Oh, that explains it,” I thought. “Now I need to do whatever he says I should to wipe out my sin, and that will ease my doubt. Wait. What?!”

This thought ran through my head as I processed what he told me. I was so quick to believe I was being manipulated by evil that my ability to think critically about his message was compromised by a loop he had created. He stated a “truth,” pinpointed doubt and critical thinking, and then he blamed it on outside forces like sin. My ability to deconstruct his message was inherently sinful, I interpreted.

Now, this was not a direct situation of spiritual abuse. That pastor was not intending to abuse his congregation. However, I can tell you that I did feel oppressed. My spirit felt crushed.

If you have felt similar oppression from this type of preaching, teaching, or reading, you may have felt abused. You may have experienced guilt, shame, or fear. Your emotional well-being may have been affected.

So what to do? How can you find an organization that affirms you and allows your spiritual self to thrive?

Spiritual abuse is sneaky. It hides in the fact that it is not commonly discussed and thus is often overlooked. But know that if you have experienced spiritual abuse or oppression, you are not alone, and compassionate help and support can help you overcome its effects.

References: 

  1. Kinsley, M. (2013, January 17). Eyes wide shut: ‘Going Clear,’ Lawrence Wright’s book on Scientology. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/books/review/going-clear-lawrence-wrights-book-on-scientology.html
  2. Tamm, J. (2011, April 14). What is a cult? Recognizing and avoiding unhealthy groups. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jayanti-tamm/the-c-word_2_b_848340.html

Photo of young adult with brilliant smile laughing and looking off to one side, holding backpack straps out, standing on walking trailUnfortunately, all too often, I speak to people who struggle with their self-image. For the purpose of being entirely transparent, I sometimes do, too.

Here are things that sometimes surface in my conversations with others:

I saw a clip of the Today Show recently where they offered two women makeovers during an “Ambush Makeover” segment. One of the women was incredibly excited (it was her 50th birthday), and she was thrilled with the results of her “reveal.” The other woman expressed trepidation and stated she was more nervous than excited. The show’s staff assured her they’d take care of her.

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Upon seeing herself in the mirror afterward, and after the hosts exclaimed how gorgeous she looked, that woman calmly said “I like it” and then “My mom will like it” in a measured way, as though that was purportedly the correct response. Though she smiled broadly, it didn’t appear she was as ecstatic as the hosts. I got the feeling she might be eager to wash off the façade, that perhaps she never believed she needed a makeover in the first place. It was slightly awkward to watch because it drove home the notion one “should” want to present as aesthetically pleasing to others, even when one is perfectly content with being exactly as they are.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

One of the people with whom I work in therapy, when asked when she felt beautiful, replied “never,” her eyes welling with tears. As we continued our exploration of this subject, I asked her how she defined the word “beautiful.” She referenced someone from her past whom she described as kind, warm, smiling, welcoming, and friendly. That became a reference point for us, and she was then able to discern she had, in fact, felt beautiful at times.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

Here are some examples of things you can do to improve your relationship with yourself and feel more “beautiful”—according to your definition:

Think about what the word “beautiful” means specifically to you, and the moments in which you feel that way most deeply. How do you project your beauty into the world?

“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day.” —Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Black and white photo of adult with long hair putting arm around young teen with ponytail outside on benchEnmeshment, a family dynamic that can be described as blurred boundaries between members, can make it difficult or impossible for a child to develop an individual sense of self because they are overly concerned about others. Family therapist Salvadore Minuchin brought this concept to light in the 1970s, and the topic has become common in psychological discussion of late. But what exactly constitutes enmeshment? How does it develop? And how can it be addressed?

Recognizing Enmeshment

Typically the roots of enmeshment can be traced back to parents who over-identify with a child, a dynamic often passed down through generations. Within this dynamic, boundaries are blurred—and may even be viewed as undesirable—and the parent may regard the child as an extension of the parent, rather than their own person, and treat them accordingly.

As a result, children of enmeshed family systems often develop emotional ties that elicit confusion, and they may fail to develop autonomy. An underdeveloped sense of autonomy may make it difficult for the child to act on desires that differ from the parent’s or lead a child to feel guilty when attempting to act on their own feelings. The enmeshed parent may also take it personally when a child attempts to demonstrate autonomy or independence, which can have a harmful impact on the child and the family dynamic overall. [fat_widget_right]

Enmeshment between a parent and child makes it difficult for the emotions of the child to be separated from the emotions of the parent. It can be said, then, that a child may take on emotional pain the parent carries from enmeshment in their own family of origin. This is not uncommon and is often done unconsciously—a child does not realize they are taking on the parent’s emotional pain or that it is not theirs to carry.

Another way of looking at it is to think in terms of “absorbing” the emotional pain of the parent. A parent who is projecting emotional pain is likely not consciously aware they are doing it but simply repeating the cycle that played out in their childhood.

Avoiding Enmeshment

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments.

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments. When one’s self-worth is defined by the actions or choices of one’s child, the pressure on the child to perform, to fulfill expectations, becomes heavy and burdensome. A parent’s self-worth is not the child’s responsibility, and children who take on this charge, consciously or unconsciously, often fail to develop self-esteem and/or a sense of personal identity.

Children generally rely on their parents for support. But before a child can expect to receive this support, they generally need to know the parent is emotionally strong and that the parent will support the child as they are, not only as who the parent wants them to be. When a child is secure in this knowledge, they will typically feel free to be themselves and to follow their own passions without feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional pain or disappointment.

In families affected by enmeshment, children may avoid seeking help when they experience difficulty or dilemma in life, fearing that the parent will impose their own agenda rather than offer guidance and support. When parents model good self-care habits, appropriate boundaries, and regulated emotions, on the other hand, children are more likely to desire to spend time with them, as opposed to when a child simply feels obligated to take care of their parent or manage their parent’s emotions. (Experiencing difficulty with dysregulated emotions? A therapist can help.)

Addressing Enmeshment

What can parents do to address enmeshment? Seek the help of a qualified family therapist or counselor if you recognize any of the following signs in your parent-child dynamic:

What can an older child or adult child do to remedy the impact of an enmeshed relationship with a parent?

Children in enmeshed families may view the parent-child relationship as an obligation or burden and, when they reach adulthood, seek out relationships that perpetuate this dynamic. Parents who take responsibility for their own self-worth and emotional pain, however, are likely to have healthier relationships with their children, where the children make the choice to be involved in their parents’ lives and are able to establish their own healthy, independent relationships.

Reference: 

  1. Heru, A. M. (2015). Families in psychiatry: Unpacking enmeshment issues. Clinical Psychiatry News, 43(5). Retrieved from https://www.questia.com/magazine/1G1-417736319/families-in-psychiatry-unpacking-enmeshment-issues
  2. Lewis, C. (2013, July 8). The enmeshed family: What it is and how to “unmesh.” Retrieved from http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh

Person in gray skirt suit stands under spotlight, head bowed, in red-toned roomIn biblical lore, Aaron selected a goat on behalf of the entire tribe, cast upon it the sins of all members, and then banished it alone to the wild. The members of the tribe were then at great ease, having been freed from their cast-off sins—whatever those sins may have been.

Everyone felt better, though they had neither identified their specific sins nor atoned for them. They had simply agreed to hang them on the goat. If this spurious logic was obvious to anyone, it was not discussed. Why question an agreed-upon means of making everyone feel better?

Now about that goat. It was selected from the herd and sent forth into the wilderness for reasons having to do with the sins of others. The goat had done nothing to merit banishment. But once the ashes were cold on the rituals of dispatching it, the goat found itself alone in the wilderness, isolated from its herd, in unknown territory, suddenly forced to fend for itself. It faced dangers from predators; difficulty finding food, sustenance, and shelter; and it lived the constantly woeful insecurity of a herd animal without a herd.

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This is the story of the scapegoat.

In dysfunctional families, for reasons similar to those Aaron devised, there can also be a designated person selected for the role of scapegoat. In a family system, the selection process is less overt than Aaron’s. It is done more by consensual and habitual shunning that becomes an unspoken code of behavior: one person is chosen to bear the brunt of any psychological discomfort experienced by the family as a whole. It is justified by repeating the stories that create and then reinforce the image of the scapegoat as being a person who is worthy of disdain and disparagement.

Like the strong goat Aaron selected, the target of family scapegoating is also often the strongest and healthiest member of the family. At first blush, this may sound counterintuitive. But think about it a little more. In Aaron’s case, there would be no group pleasure derived from banishing a weak animal who might easily die anyway, because that would not gratify the needs of the tribe to send off their sins on a robust vehicle, a strong goat who was up to the task of bearing the burden. So it is in families: the targeted individual is often the most accomplished. She—and for the purposes of narrative cohesion, our scapegoat is a female here—must be strong enough to withstand the weight of the shunning voices which might easily and quickly topple a weaker person. The scapegoating would fail if the weight of the sins killed the goat before it could even get chased out of town. Catharsis is the goal. The goat needs to be strong enough to suffer in order that the tribe members do not.

Just as the goat was blameless despite being sent to its lonely death, so is the human scapegoat innocent of all charges. She may not be a perfect human being, but she is no different from anyone else in her range of faults. It is not her character or her actions that have directly caused her banishment. It is the way her character and her actions, and often her accomplishments, have been experienced by the dysfunctional family members, who for their own unexamined reasons need to dispel this person from the family realm in order to avoid looking into their own consciences. They need to punish the scapegoat for provoking by her very existence the discomfort family members are feeling that is actually a result of their own unresolved issues.

If you are being scapegoated in your family, please seek professional help. You are not likely to be able to intervene in a dysfunctional system that treats one of its own members in this way. You may continue to experience the futile attempts at explaining yourself. You may fail to understand the way you are being treated. You may begin to doubt your own version of your life story. The price is too high.

Can a human scapegoat die like the goat of yore? Maybe. If not physically, certainly emotionally. It is difficult for the scapegoat to believe that her family would treat her in this unconscionable manner if she were not guilty of some grave sin. She wracks her brain and her heart to understand, but she cannot. The reasons she is given for being mistreated seem shallow, petty, and incomplete. It is difficult for her to believe these small transgressions could warrant such heavy condemnation.

She begins to doubt her own version of reality, since consensus in her own family supports a narrative different from her own about who she is and what she does or has done. She learns that if she tries to sort this out, she will be accused of “playing the victim” or being selfish, or being a “drama queen.” She is able to hold to her knowledge that this assessment and treatment are not right, until one day, utterly discouraged, she gives up. The full weight of the banishment settles upon her. She is alone. She doesn’t try to understand or explain anything anymore. She has moved into accepting a fate that makes no sense to her.

Good mental health at this point suggests she make her peace with leaving behind the family that fails her so completely. And if she is strong and well-supported with friends, she may be able to do this. She will pay a lifelong price for sins she did not commit, however, because it is difficult and painful to extract oneself from one’s family. It is counter to the most basic of human needs for home, shelter, affiliation. It is a cruel and inexcusable undertaking for a family to scapegoat a member.

If you look at the research regarding the fate of individuals who have been relentlessly bullied, you can draw conclusions about what happens to scapegoated family members, for scapegoating is bullying with focused and long-term intensity. Some bullied children go on to become bullies themselves. Some develop social skills to divert and challenge bullying, though the scars of having been bullied may insert themselves into their lives in many ways for many years to come. Others, however, do not survive, driven to suicide.

If you are being scapegoated in your family, please seek professional help. You are not likely to be able to intervene in a dysfunctional system that treats one of its own members in this way. You may continue to experience the futile attempts at explaining yourself. You may fail to understand the way you are being treated. You may begin to doubt your own version of your life story. The price is too high. Please find a counselor who can help you unravel the fictions that subvert the truth about your life and about who you are. Good counseling support can help free you from the binding ties of pain, guilt, and shame that you did not create and which are not justified.

You were not born to bear the sins of others any more than Aaron’s goat was born for such a fate.

Troubled-looking person with long curly hair looks up above the center of photo, chin in handsEmotional abuse can be every bit as devastating to individuals and relationships as physical and sexual abuse. And the pain of experiencing emotional abuse can be heightened when you feel unsure whether what you are experiencing is normal or okay. You may feel something is wrong but be unable to identify what it is. You may find yourself spending a great deal of time trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand where they are coming from. You may notice you are altering your behavior in order to keep the peace or avoid conflict.

Emotional abuse occurs when one person—intentionally or otherwise, consciously or unconsciously—engages in behavior that insults, threatens, rejects, neglects, blames, manipulates, isolates, degrades, punishes, humiliates, or exerts control over another. Fear, guilt, and shame are among common responses to, and goals of, emotional abuse.

Although it is most often thought of in terms of intimate partner relationships, emotional abuse can occur in other types of relationships as well. Parent-child relationships, for example, can be marked by emotional abuse, sometimes continuing well into adulthood.

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Although physical and sexual abuse can also be considered forms of emotional abuse, the latter tends to be more subtle. Physical or sexual abuse may be easier to identify, as they often have physical evidence and a clear incident to reference. Emotional abuse is more often characterized by a pattern or collection of behaviors over time that can be difficult to recognize. Some of these behaviors, when taken on their own, might not necessarily be thought of as abusive. It is the systematic application of these behaviors, with an intention to change the way another responds, that is destructive.

A few examples of emotionally abusive behaviors include: putting you down or calling you names, cutting you off from other sources of connection and support, demanding to know your whereabouts at all times, limiting your access to finances or financial decision making, making threats to harm you or damage property, making you feel constantly unsettled or wary, or leading you to doubt reality.

People who are emotionally abusive can be expert manipulators. They may be very intentional about choosing behaviors that cannot be proven or that come close to crossing lines while retaining deniability.

People who are emotionally abusive can be expert manipulators. They may be very intentional about choosing behaviors that cannot be proven or that come close to crossing lines while retaining deniability. They may manufacture or maintain a chaotic environment, so that it is hard to pin down or describe exactly what is happening. They may also lie about what has happened or rewrite history in order to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Individuals who behave in emotionally abusive ways typically do not respect boundaries. This can be problematic on many levels, but never more so than when you try to leave the relationship. Attempts to leave the relationship or to diminish contact may be met with an increase in abusive or manipulative behaviors intended to convince you to stay. These behaviors may be threatening or intended to induce guilt. However, they may also feel positive, like promises for change or admissions of responsibility for problems in the relationship. Unfortunately, promises for change and responsibility taking may be short-lived once you compromise your boundary and return.

Perhaps the most perplexing phenomenon of all is the ability of abusive individuals to be remarkably kind, caring, and generous at times. Few people would remain in relationships that always felt bad. Fewer would choose to begin relationships with people who treated them poorly all the time. The confusing fact of the matter is individuals who are capable of cruelty are also capable of kindness. They may be charming and generous at times. These instances of kindness or generosity may be good, but abuse is never okay. It cannot be offset.

Emotional abuse often comes packaged with trauma, and while your first priority in any emotionally abusive situation should be to seek a safer environment, therapeutic interventions can also help. Consider contacting a licensed therapist as you make sense of what has happened and begin the healing process. Therapy is a safe space for you to work through any unprocessed feelings and can guide you toward appropriate resources in your community.

Person in long floral dress with head cropped out of photo stands near window planter while holding watering can tightly in both handsA new year is under way, a time when people are reflecting on their lives and setting goals aimed at moving closer to long-term aspirations. If you recently experienced the death of a loved one, you may feel grateful just to have survived the first holiday season without them. Focusing on goals and aspirations while your grief still feels so present may seem paradoxical. But doing so is an essential part of your grief work, according to M. Katherine Shear, MD, founder and director of The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.

While each grief process is unique, the loss of someone with whom you have shared a deep emotional and supportive relationship usually causes the most intense grief reaction. Someone who has held you up emotionally when you were in crisis, helped shape your sense of self, and/or encouraged you to reach for your dreams is physically removed from your life forever. So it makes sense that in the acute phase of grief, you may feel as though you have lost your sense of self or feel unsure of your life purpose.

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Grief is an expression of love that continues after death. You shouldn’t expect your grief to ever end completely. However, it is possible for your grief to become more integrated; painful emotions occur less frequently and with less intensity, and no longer interfere significantly with work, other relationships, or your experience of positive emotions.

The path to integrated grief requires three interrelated processes:

Humans are innately motivated to search for meaning in living. However, if you are overwhelmed by sadness as you struggle to accept the reality of a loved one’s death, it may seem impossible to think about trying to find new meaning in your living without them. But after the first few months following your loved one’s death, if you can spend a short period, on as many days as possible, focused on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose, it can offer glimpses of joy—a welcome respite from your sadness. It may help you with acceptance on a deeper level of your loved one’s death. Greater acceptance of the death may help you to reconnect with your deceased loved one in memory. Reconnecting with your loved one may alleviate some of the longing and sadness you feel so you are more free to focus on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one.

It is important to have a balanced focus on all three processes. Knowing when and being able to shift your focus from working on acceptance of the death to focusing on future goals, or to reconnecting to your loved one, can be challenging. While many individuals can navigate the path to integrated grief with the support of other loved ones, some people can get stuck along the way. One reason for this is on a societal level, death, dying, and bereavement are still taboo topics. Thus, many individuals aren’t educated about the grief process, particularly about the importance of finding new meaning or purpose in living after the death of a loved one.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one. Thus, they may become fixated on people, situations, and places that remind them of the loved one when they were alive, or avoid circumstances that remind them of the loved one’s death. Both fixation and avoidance serve as obstacles to accepting the reality of the death.

Even though grief is a normal response to the death of a loved one, and finding new meaning is a natural human tendency, the path to integrated grief can be a complicated one. If more than a few months have passed since your loved one died, and you are feeling overwhelmed or recognize your grief is interfering with your day-to-day functioning, it may be beneficial to work with a mental professional who specializes in grief work. They can work with you to help you remove obstacles in your path so you can balance the range of emotions that come with the struggle to accept your loved one’s death, the joy that can emanate from finding new meaning in your living, and the peace that flows from reconnecting with your deceased loved one.

A new year is under way. Will you accept the invitation to allow it to be the beginning of a new life for yourself?

Reference:

Shear, M. K. (2015). Complicated Grief Treatment: A Handout for Patients, Friends, and Family Members. Columbia Center for Complicated Grief, The Trustees of Columbia University in the City of New York. Retrieved from https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/tools-and-resources/

Shot of a young couple talking and drinking coffee in a spacious white kitchenIt’s very common for couples to pursue counseling when communication issues begin to dominate their relationship. Does it ever feel like you and your partner keep missing each other on something? Or like your partner just doesn’t seem to get you anymore? Perhaps you feel you’ve been very clear about your perspective and it’s your partner’s problem that they just can’t seem to understand the issues from your point of view.

Blaming each other for what’s not working, although tempting, will not get you the satisfaction you so desperately desire. Whether you are struggling to navigate a difficult situation together or daily arguments have become the norm, everyone can benefit from improved communication. Here are five tips to help you get on a better track toward mutual understanding and a deeper connection:

1. Find an opportune time to talk calmly about the issues.

Preserving time to check in with each other can help you be more productive. Arrange a time in the near future when you are both likely to be calm and comfortable. Perhaps you find that morning tends to work best, or Sunday afternoon when you’re in a more relaxed mood. You may need to adjust your schedule slightly so you have some extra time.

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Too often, couples attempt to discuss an issue as it’s unfolding. While this may work some of the time, giving each other a heads-up to discuss something more in-depth may help you feel more relaxed and open with your partner. Take a moment to express your need and then follow up with a suggestion for a more opportune time. This communicates respect and consideration, which helps to promote an atmosphere of goodwill between two people.

2. Understand and communicate your partner’s perspective.

Listening can be tough, especially when the other person is saying something that triggers a defensive response in you. Remind yourself that you will also have a turn; right now it’s important to tune in and not interrupt. Make eye contact and be fully present with your partner. You can demonstrate being present by focusing exclusively on the conversation and what’s being said. It might be helpful to view the discussion as involving two subjective perspectives rather than one person being “right” or “wrong.”

If you’re not clear on something, ask a thoughtful question or two to make sure you really understand. You might even say, “Am I getting that right?” or, “I want to make sure I understand; tell me if I’m hearing you correctly …” Take turns talking and listening to each other. Spending just 10 minutes focused on the other person sharing their perspective can make a significant difference. If you find things are escalating, take a 5-minute break and come back.

3. Be mindful of your language and tone.

When you feel the urge to become accusatory or to begin a statement with “You always …” stop yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment.

It can be so easy to miss an important message when we don’t like the tone in which something is being said. Take inventory. When you feel the urge to become accusatory or to begin a statement with “You always …” stop yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment. Taking a minute to slow down before responding can help you say what you truly feel instead of becoming defensive or blaming. Perhaps you might try: “Talking about this always seems to lead us down a destructive path. I’d like to get to a better place with it, but I’m just not sure how.” This kind of statement might help to open up a more constructive dialogue.

If you find a particular topic is especially difficult, it may help to share your feelings surrounding the issue. For example, you might say, “I’d really like to talk about (the issue) with you, but I’m feeling anxious about it because I know this is an area we tend to struggle with.” Sometimes this sort of statement can relieve the pressure to get it right the first time. Be patient with yourself; with time and practice, communication with your partner can become more productive.

4. Think in terms of what you can give, not just what you can take.

While it’s certainly true good relationships involve both give and take, when both partners are focused on giving, they strengthen their ability to negotiate conflict more effectively. With some increased awareness, you can shift a problematic dynamic. Tune into your words and actions more carefully. Is there something you can say or do differently to yield different results? When we are kind, we send a caring message to our partner, and when we feel cared for, we can operate from a place of generosity and love.

What positive and unique qualities do you bring to your relationship? What makes you feel happy to provide to your partner? How can you contribute positively to the situation?

5. Notice and say out loud what you appreciate about your partner.

Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued. It can be easy to fall into a thinking pattern of: “I feel like I do so much, but no one notices.” When we take the time to openly appreciate someone else’s positive qualities and good deeds, we foster an atmosphere of emotional generosity. Notice something about your partner that you feel grateful for? Share it! Be on the lookout for what you can appreciate and say it. Often, we tend to focus on what we don’t have or what’s not working in relationships. This critical shift in perspective to a focus on the positive can make all the difference. You might find your partner begins to share their appreciation for how awesome you are as well.

Taking the time to understand your partner’s perspective and to reflect back that you truly “get it” can have a significant impact on the quality of your relationship. The next time you find yourself a little stuck, try out the tips above to help you move toward a deeper, more satisfying connection.

Door left open in dark room leads to bright sunlight outsideI recently worked with someone who had his heart crushed by an individual who led him on for months, asked for his help with various tasks, accepted an invitation to go on an official date, and then ultimately, on the “date,” said she doesn’t date.

Knowing the timeline and details, I had been confident this relationship was headed in a positive direction and wound up feeling disappointed at how it had crumbled to pieces, leaving us both stunned and confused. This happened to somebody who has done so much work in terms of gaining self-confidence and developing interpersonal relationship skills. Having an important relationship dissolve in an instant was devastating.

We processed the experience and the many questions that arose in our next session: Where did he go wrong? Why did she agree to the date in the first place? Did she not date in general or did she just not want to date him? Did her rejection not confirm his feelings of unworthiness?

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As much as we could speculate, analyze the chain of text messages, and try to make sense of what transpired in the relationship, the frustrating truth was there was no logical justification for what happened or why this person treated him the way she did. At least not one he was ever going to be privy to.

He reached out for some clarification, but her responses were arrogant, passive-aggressive, defensive, and left no explanation for how he could have possibly misread her signals. Further, they changed his view of who she was and left it nearly impossible to continue their friendship. He grieved the loss, missing the person he thought she was.

We spent a good amount of time discussing what he should do next. He wanted answers that made sense, but instead he was being ignored. A part of him wanted to contact her, lashing out with his anger, to let her know exactly what he now thought of her. A part of me wanted to support him in doing that. I was appalled by her callousness. I was angry for him.

He wanted closure. At the same time, we both knew it likely wouldn’t accomplish anything. She wouldn’t change, her responses wouldn’t become any more enlightening or helpful, and there was probably no realistic scenario that would lessen his hurt.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, or you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on.

When this kind of thing happens—when a relationship ends in hurt and anger, when we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us, or when life doesn’t go the way we were hoping—we want an immediate sense of closure or justification. The desire for closure might be the temporary satisfaction of telling off the person who hurt us, gaining an apology, having the person change their mind, or getting some type of definitive ending that seems clean and makes sense to us.

But the reality is these things generally don’t make us feel better in the long run. Typically, they simply never happen. So the search for closure is often futile and results in wasted energy, more frustration, and a delayed ability to begin healing and moving on.

It takes a lot of strength to be the “bigger person,” to walk away with your head held high, and to resist the urge to give someone who has hurt you a piece of your mind.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, that you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on. While highly uncomfortable, the sooner you acknowledge and accept the disappointment and hurt, the sooner you can begin to move forward. It may involve coming to terms with the fact sometimes things aren’t logical or fair.

Having the strength to walk away from a negative experience with a sense of grace and your dignity intact will likely help you to feel good about yourself in the long run. With time and some distance, you may discover the experience taught you a valuable lesson or helped you grow in a way only the most challenging of experiences could.

Rear view of person in casual blouse with hair in ponytail looking out over city at sunset in a blue sky with a few cloudsDo you have a grievance you think about more than the positive things in your life? If so, do you think the same, repetitive thoughts about it? Do you seek out people who will listen to you tell the same painful story many times? Does this story have a villain?

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, maybe it is time to forgive.

Why Forgive?

When we hold on to hurt, we remain locked in an unhealthy bond that keeps the people in our lives from having all of who we are. Hurt also robs us of our personal strength. Left unresolved long enough, it can even develop into a victim story that becomes part of our identity.

Some research suggests forgiveness correlates with fewer health problems and less stress (Luskin, 2002).

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What Is Forgiveness?

Some question what forgiveness is and is not. According to Dr. Frederic Luskin, author of the 2002 book Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, forgiveness is:

Per Luskin, forgiveness is not:

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Focus on the personal aspect of a hurt often comes from our beliefs and expectations that were not met. Luskin (2002) shares some common beliefs and expectations he refers to as “unenforceable rules”:

Challenge Unenforceable Rules

Forgiveness centers on giving back peace of mind. It prevents a past hurt from determining a negative future. Luskin (2002) offers the following steps to address unenforceable rules:

A big part of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be anything other than what it was.

  1. Acknowledge your feelings: confusion, anger, indignation, etc. Ask yourself if you are experiencing feelings in the present over events in the past.
  2. Concede that you feel bad because your expectations were not met.
  3. Give yourself the grace to challenge the unenforceable rule underlying your hurt.
  4. Identify the unenforceable rule. What is the experience in your life that you demanded to be different?
  5. Change the unenforceable rule you demanded into something you hoped to get. Express it in positive terms. “I wanted a partner who did not cheat on me” is different from “I wanted a monogamous partnership.” The latter is a positive expression.
  6. Notice what changes for yourself when your demands change to hopes. Do you feel more peaceful?

HEAL

Luskin (2002) further offers a HEAL (hope, educate, affirm, long-term) method to help forgive:

A big part of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be anything other than what it was. It is important to acknowledge the feelings that come with an injustice, but also to not remain locked in them. If you have tried to forgive and not been successful, a therapist can help you process a grievance.

Something happened that we did not want to happen, or something did not happen that we wanted to happen. Forgiveness is the power we receive as we assert that we have a well of resilience to draw upon. It gives us the chance to rewrite a story about a victim into a story about a hero (Luskin, 2002).

Reference:

Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for Good. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Person leans toward large mirror, fingers to glass. The face is distorted. People with narcissism live in a self-constructed world of double standards and distortions. That is a key reason dealing with someone who has narcissistic characteristics can feel confusing, frustrating, and draining. One way to cope with a person with unhealthy narcissism is to recognize the “game” of narcissism.

Some key paradoxes in people with narcissism:

1. Hypersensitive, Yet Insensitive

People with narcissism may easily play the martyr or fume at the smallest perceived slight. They may sulk when they’re not the center of attention or don’t get their way.

Yet should someone around them have a crisis, that person’s hurt and needs are often ignored, minimized, or ridiculed. If someone makes requests of them, the person with narcissism may become irritable or label the other “selfish” or “demanding.” And though their narcissistic behavior inflicts pain on those around them, they often seem clueless about it, acting mystified or indignant when the consequences of their actions are pointed out.

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2. Oppositional, Yet Intolerant of Opposition

Many people with narcissism seem to derive energy from saying no or opposing things. They may take delight in ruining another’s mood or special occasion. They tend to blame others for relationship problems; it’s about what you did that made them act a certain way. They may need to have an enemy, a vendetta, pursue legal action, write inflammatory letters, or seek revenge.

Yet should someone question them or call them to account for wrongdoings, they can become incensed or full of disbelief that anyone would oppose them. They may turn to personal attacks or distractions when another challenges them.

3. Demanding of Attention, Yet Unwilling to Reciprocate

People with narcissism tend to be attention vacuums. If positive behavior doesn’t bring the spotlight, they will easily switch to negative behavior to remain dominant.

Despite their pursuit of affirmation and admiration, they rarely dole it out. They may listen impatiently to others, waiting to bring conversation back to them. They may one-up others or compete with loved ones, almost as if any good that comes a loved one’s way takes away from the person with narcissism.

4. Emotionally Entitled, Yet Lacking Emotional Intelligence

If a person with narcissism expresses emotions, those feelings are often presented as sacred and unquestionable, necessitating worship or a full stop by others.

Yet when those around them express emotions, people with narcissism tend to treat others’ feelings as things to be changed, avoided, or ridiculed.

5. Quick to Blame, Yet Slow to Own Their Part

People with narcissistic behavior seem to relish finding scapegoats. Their own personal challenges or shortcomings, if even acknowledged, are often blamed on others. If they fail, it is someone else’s fault. (Though when they succeed, it is entirely to their credit.) If their actions bring pain to others or have great cost, they seem allergic to the words “I was wrong” or “I am sorry.” They may glorify rules and insist others follow them, yet freely break the rules when it suits them.

6. Worshipful of Status and Appearance, Yet Myopic About Their Flaws

People with narcissism may be fixated on who they know, associating with only the “right people” and having contempt for those they see as inferior. They may compulsively need to look perfect and be the best.

Yet if their physical beauty fades or their status wanes, they may distract, deny, or redouble their efforts to feel special and connected. They feel entitled to admiration and respect, rather than acknowledging that respect is earned and that gaining admiration takes hard work.

7. Needy, Yet Depriving

People with narcissism seem driven to pursue success, admiration, material possessions, or other proxies for self-worth. They may pressure or manipulate others.

While you may have to relate to people with narcissism, you don’t have to play their “game” or follow their rules.

Yet to those close to them, people with narcissism may be cold and disinterested, demanding obedience and threatening to disown others for opposing their wishes. They may splurge on unneeded material goods while criticizing others for wanting more than the bare necessities.

Because of these double standards, being in a close relationship with someone with narcissism can be exhausting. If you wonder whether someone close to you has narcissism, the following experiences are commonly felt by those in relationships with someone behaving narcissistically:

While you may have to relate to people with narcissism, you don’t have to play their “game” or follow their rules. Healthy self-care in relationships with people with narcissism means:

  1. Recognizing unhealthy narcissistic behavior
  2. Gaining distance from those behaviors through perspective and action
  3. Asking yourself, “At what cost?” At what cost do you tolerate or accept narcissistic behavior? At what cost do you change your own behavior to avoid others’ reactions?

Man wearing t-shirt and sweats looks out window of high-rise building, hands clasped behind headNo matter how comfortable you may be with your sexuality, the idea of sex therapy can be intimidating. Many of the people I work with in sex therapy struggle with sexual functioning or desire, issues that often come loaded with complicated emotions such as anxiety. These things can be difficult to talk about, let alone try to do something about—even when it is understood that the person you’ve enlisted to help you is a compassionate and nonjudgmental professional.

For men in particular, socialization related to sexuality can add to these complexities. Although not uncommon, the experiences of premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction can bring deep feelings of shame—even in committed relationships with partners who are understanding and patient. Many men are socialized to believe sex should be easily enjoyable and they should always be in control. When it doesn’t work out this way, some may feel intensely inadequate or weak. Men in these situations may question their worth as partners and even as human beings. If a partner isn’t understanding or patient, these feelings can be amplified.

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As a sex therapist, I am trained in specific techniques that men can utilize to resolve a variety of sexual concerns. However, these techniques are often insufficient in addressing premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Given the complexity of these issues, holistic sex therapy can play an important role.

It’s natural to seek out strategies that focus on physical functioning—the most obvious symptoms of sexual issues—but sex is more complicated than that. There are thoughts, narratives, emotions, and processes associated with the act of sex. These elements can greatly affect desire and pleasure. They can also impact bodily control and responses.

Sensory issues must also be addressed. The body tells its own story. Sometimes this story matches up well with the mind’s story about a problem, other times not so much. In these situations, people can benefit from learning about the activation cycles of their bodies—knowledge they can then incorporate into their sex lives.

It’s natural to seek out strategies that focus on physical functioning—the most obvious symptoms of sexual issues—but sex is more complicated than that. There are thoughts, narratives, emotions, and processes associated with the act of sex.

Holistic sex therapy is also about identifying cultural and social narratives surrounding sex. Not only can this exploration help people understand some of the roots of what they experience, it can also help them learn about ways their sexuality has been impacted, and how their bodies respond to these ingrained stories. Through sharing and understanding, validation can lead to healing and growth. It can also lead to sexual confidence that reflects acceptance of these influences while also challenging them.

Religion and spirituality can also play a role. These two elements can be related, of course, but they can also be very different. In fact, they can even contradict each other. Certain forces of religion, when deeply embedded, can overtake a person’s ability to sexually express themselves. Meanwhile, spiritual meaning can be difficult to ascertain.

In holistic sex therapy, self-esteem work is also relevant. When people recognize the barriers that are leading to their sexual issues, they may have to rediscover what they value about themselves.

Certainly, relationship issues can be a factor as well. Many men masturbate with no problems but struggle with sexual function with partners. Sometimes, this can be related to feelings about partners and their expectations, which may or may not be based in reality. When men unpack this in therapy, they’re typically better able to see what’s getting in the way of arousal, control, and desire.

Sound like a lot? Well, that’s because it can be. Sex can be complex, especially when you delve beyond the presenting physical issues and explore emotions and cultural influences. It’s rarely just one thing. Although many people tend to think of sex as primarily a physical act, there’s a lot more to it. Therapy that doesn’t explore these often hidden aspects does a disservice to the people who seek it.

Multi-exposure photo of face with three different emotionsI like to think of therapy as a place to try on emotions. I’m not implying there are emotions we don’t have yet; we’re given the capacity for the spectrum. But fully expressing how one feels in a healthy manner is not always easy to do.

It’s not easy because it gets socialized out of us early on. As children, we quickly learn what is “appropriate.” This may differ at home, at school, and maybe even with different caregivers. At some point, we settle into how we generally express ourselves, whether it’s with anger, sadness, happiness, amusement, or some combination of emotions. This is part of how we identify our personality. Feelings big or small, held in or let loose, comprise an unconscious, growing sense of how we emotionally exist in the world.

Sometimes people seek therapy to learn to express these feelings. Anger management, for example, is meant to shift how anger is expressed. Likewise, grief and bereavement counseling following a loss can help with those emotional expressions.

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More often, though, people’s reasons for coming to therapy are different. Feelings and emotions more typically come up with respect to movement toward another goal, such as improving relationships, work advancement, or assertiveness. Still, cruelly, it’s often the unhealthy expression of feelings and emotions that gets in the way of these presenting goals.

In therapy, we travel back in time to see how the ways we emotionally express ourselves were taught to us and subsequently internalized. With these insights, we can make new decisions going forward about how we want to show our feelings.

Being Taught How to Have Emotions

In therapy work with parents, one major focus tends to be modeling. This looks at how you’d like your child to act in different situations, of course, but also at teaching your child how to express their feelings in a healthy way.

In therapy, we travel back in time to see how the ways we emotionally express ourselves were taught to us and subsequently internalized.

You don’t have to be a parent to know kids tantrum. It’s how they express anger, exhaustion, fear, disappointment, excitement, and other emotions. By labeling emotions—“That uncomfortable feeling when your face gets all hot and you want to crawl into a hole? That’s embarrassment”—we slowly learn we don’t need to throw ourselves on the floor anymore. We come to understand the emotion, how it feels in our body, how it feels in our heart. We can express it and not let it control us.

Children watch their moms and dads be angry or sad, and in so doing they learn how to “have” these feelings. Parents who hide their tears or never argue (in a healthy way) in front of their children rob them of amazing learning opportunities. When these opportunities arise, with their kids watching, parents can model, “This is how people settle differences. It’s uncomfortable, but these emotions don’t have to be scary.”

Experimenting with Emotions in Therapy

Emotions are layered. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of anger to get to sadness. Sometimes we need to locate that anger under strata of sarcasm.

And this is what often keeps people from achieving those presenting goals, from making their relationships and work lives better. We spend time and energy protecting the expression of these feelings. We don’t peel back the layers.

The therapeutic relationship allows for a safe space—and I don’t use that term loosely—to express feelings and emotions, to peel them back, to study them, to see how they work. In daily life, it’s rare we show how we authentically feel, even in our most trusted relationships. Sometimes we think we’ve expressed a feeling because we expressed it the way we were socialized to do. Then we realize how our stomach still hurts, how we’re still replaying that moment with our boss over and over in our head, how we can’t sleep, how we’re eating way more than we need to.

In the therapy room, we can look deeper. We can unpack our feelings and emotions and see if there is more to express. We can take a chance and get really angry or really sad—or even really, unabashedly happy, if that’s difficult for us.

Therapy is a place to experiment with emotions we’ve always had but either didn’t know how to express or felt inhibited in expressing. We can try it all on. Because it’s all inside us.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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