As anyone who’s ever lived with a dog can attest, dogs’ emotions are complex and occasionally bewildering. And for some dogs, emotions are overwhelming. Whether they’re tearing up the house in sheer terror because a beloved owner leaves for a few hours, or they’re shamelessly snarling and lunging at every dog who walks by, some dogs struggle to cope with the stresses of everyday life.

The science of dog behavioral pharmacology aims to help exhausted pet owners and their stressed-out four-legged companions. Although it was once controversial to prescribe mental health medications to dogs, the pioneering work of Dr. Nicholas Dodman, a Tufts University veterinarian, has steadily moved dog psychology into the mainstream.

Do Dogs Need Mental Health Medication?

The behaviorism of the early twentieth century would have you believe that dogs are little more than machines reacting to their environment. But dogs have much of the same brain circuitry as humans, and when brain chemistry goes haywire, so too can a dog’s behavior. A recent article in The Atlantic, for example, tells the tales of dogs whose behavior miraculously changed after getting the right prescription medication.

[fat_widget_right]Veterinarians typically rely on human medications rather than special formulations for dogs. An anxious or depressed dog is almost as likely to be prescribed Prozac as an anxious or depressed human. The dosage has to be adjusted to reflect the size difference between dogs and humans, of course, and veterinarians sometimes have to do some tweaking to find a medication that works.

How to Tell If Your Dog Needs Help

Medication isn’t a panacea for everything. You still have to socialize your dog and train him or her to be friendly and obedient. Reward-based training methods often improve the behavior of even the stubbornest dogs. If your dog seems untrainable or does things that put her health and safety in danger, though, she could be struggling with a mental health issue. It’s not safe to give your dog your own medication, but if you see any of the following symptoms, it’s time to consult your veterinarian:

• Sudden unexplained aggression
• Extreme fear of being left alone that may manifest in the form of destructiveness or escape attempts
• Constant barking, growling, or whining
• Obsessive behavior, such as constant licking even when your dog doesn’t have fleas or a wound
• Unexplained fear
• Symptoms such as excessive panting, drooling, or pacing

Not all veterinarians embrace pharmacological options for dogs’ mental health. If you want to give medication a try, you’ll need to call vets and ask whether they offer pharmacological solutions for behavioral problems.

References:

1. Beaver, B. V. (2009). Canine behavior: Insights and answers. St. Louis, MO: Saunders/Elsevier.
2. Fisher, T. (2014, May 02). Dogs get anxiety, too. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/05/dogs-who-take-prozac/360146/
3. Psychological disorders. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://dogsnsw.org.au/resources/dogs-nsw-magazine/articles/health/177-psychological-disorders.html

Depression doesn’t go away for everyone. For most people, depression is temporary and passes naturally or once the person has expressed the feelings and resolved the thoughts causing the depression. But there is a small percentage of people who can talk about their issues, express their feelings, take very good care of themselves emotionally, even take medication and have a great life, and still be depressed throughout their lives. They may have periods of feeling good, periods of feeling less bad, and periods of feeling horrible—for these people, the depression never goes away permanently.

Major depressive disorder is the medical term for repeated episodes of a very intense, deep depression that is disabling and enormously painful. People who are bipolar experience similar disabling depression during their depressive phases. Often, between episodes, people return to a functional, happy state. Sometimes people can also have a milder depression, even between episodes of major depression but the feeling of depression stays.

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What is “Atypical” Depression?

There are also people with “atypical” depression who can be in a deep depressive episode and yet appear to come out of it long enough to laugh or enjoy something briefly before sinking back in, or can act normal for short periods. This can be confusing to both the depressed person and to other people. This isn’t an indication that the person is any less depressed or any less in danger than someone in a major depressive episode who doesn’t have those brief breaks. It’s just a different form. Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.

It’s difficult for most people to understand any kind of deep depression if they haven’t experienced it. What people see with illnesses or injuries is a runny nose, blood, expressions of acute physical pain, or an x-ray of what hurts. What people see when someone is seriously depressed is a person who isn’t doing anything; this person may be crying or snapping at them or sounding insecure and hopeless. These are behaviors we associate with personality and moral character—we think these are choices people are making, not an illness that has taken over their personality. Most people wonder why the unrelentingly depressed person doesn’t just get over it and may even wonder if it’s a manipulation or if the person is just lazy, weak, or giving in to something he or she could fight. It is difficult for the person who experiences it to describe because it is intensely painful, but not in any particular part of the body. It can be totally debilitating and sometimes even fatal.

Chronic, Servere Depression

People with chronic, severe depression are not indulging themselves, lazy, giving in, manipulating, or exaggerating their pain and dysfunction. Taking this view is often destructive to them and the situation. While this kind of depression can be described as an illness, compared to other debilitating, painful, potentially fatal illnesses, it is pretty unique in the affect it has on people’s minds, behavior, personality, and thought processes. When the mind is part of the illness, other people may not recognize the ill one as the person they love, and that makes it more difficult to be patient, to take care of the person, and to remember what they loved about the person, much like when a loved one has Alzheimer’s.

Of course, this is all true for someone who has one episode of major depression, but it becomes much more complicated when it is recurring and takes over a person’s life. We know that, statistically, every major depressive episode someone has makes additional episodes more likely. So once a person has had two or three such episodes, it’s pretty clear that more of them will happen, and likely with increasing frequency. It’s also likely that during significant hormonal events, such as menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, perimenopause, and menopause, women with recurring major depressive episodes will be especially vulnerable to having another episode.

How does a person live with a chronic disability that can’t be effectively described to those around them? How do people function? How do loved ones take care of them long-term? How do relationships survive? Can depression last forever?

References:

1. Depression In-Depth Report. (n.d.). The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/symptoms/depression/print.html
2. Women and Depression: Discovering Hope. (n.d.). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/women-and-depression-discovering-hope/index.shtml

Imagine you are in a long-term relationship that, like all relationships, has its rough patches, its areas that need improvement. You are motivated to address these difficulties in order to elicit change, grow, and bring your relationship to another level. Your partner, on the other hand, is unmotivated and unwilling to put forth the same effort.

There may be any number of reasons behind their lack of motivation: They may be facing personal struggles or mental health or emotional challenges. This may simply be who they are.

Whatever the case, you may face extreme disappointment when confronted with this reality. You may beg, plead, try any number of methods to encourage your partner to cooperate, all to no avail. Some people may take this as a sign that the relationship will not work out and end it there. Others may prefer to stay in the relationship, for any number of reasons, and decide to do their best with what they have.

If you are in this situation and are among those who have decided to stay, you may wish to seek support from friends, family, and even a trained therapist or counselor. You might also consider the six strategies below as possible ways to constructively address the situation in order to create optimal dynamics in your relationship. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. Take Care of Your Own Wants

Even the most ideal partner may not be able to provide everything you want. With an uncooperative partner, you may feel even less fulfilled. You might experience frustration and anger or develop the urge to try and change your partner, to push them to do what you want. However, these strategies usually are not helpful. Ultimately, it’s generally best to empower yourself to take care of your own needs and wants rather than relying on your partner to do so. Yes, it may be disappointing to engage with an inconsiderate partner, but by becoming proactive in doing whatever is in your power to fulfill your wants, you are taking control over your life. Rather than expecting or waiting for your partner to do things with you and becoming upset when they don’t, you become better able to proactively find your own solutions.

2. Create Fulfilling Venues

Many individuals enter into a long-term relationship expecting their partners to fulfill all of their needs. They may expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover, an intellectual peer, and/or to share the same hobbies and interests. But what if your partner cannot fulfill all of these wants? My suggestion is to find new channels to satisfy yourself and create a more meaningful and fulfilling life, with or without the other person. You can go to the gym, join a book or a movie club, participate in a philosophy group, take a class, build friendships, an so on. By diversifying your interests and social circles, you may find multiple ways to be fulfilled. Indirectly, you are likely to feel less frustrated with your partner as you reduce your reliance on them.

3. Build a Support System

It is always a good idea to surround yourself with an environment that is conducive to your well-being and happiness. Your ideal environment might include family, friends, and/or social and professional networks, for example. Anyone can benefit from social and emotional support, and you can turn to these people in times of need in order to gain a better perspective, seek encouragement, and increase self-esteem. It is usually helpful to talk, reflect, analyze and brainstorm with others about challenges and issues. In addition, social support is considered a form of psychological support, and you may find it improves your quality of life while also creating a buffer against the shock of unpleasant situations. There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it.

4. Set Boundaries

One key element of creating healthy and happy relationships is setting boundaries. It can be even more crucial to establish clear boundaries when engaging with partners who may try to manipulate, use, and take advantage of situations. Defining what you are willing to tolerate and communicating this to your partner is an effective strategy. By acting assertively, you can not only protect yourself but also empower your partner to take responsibility for their actions and needs. Be consistent and stick to your boundaries. Often, the discipline of boundaries will generate positive results in your lives. Yes, it can be challenging to set boundaries in relationships with partners who do not support limits. But it is absolutely possible and is necessary to your well-being.

5. Reinforce and Influence Your Partner

When you are the best partner you can be, you may be better able to influence your partner, who might eventually follow and provide you with the same attitude and support. When you offer support—perhaps by listening actively, asking clarifying questions, and otherwise behaving in a way that demonstrates positive and constructive intention—you send a clear message to your partner: “I am here to support you. We are facing this challenge together. You are welcome to participate.”  Make an effort to find ways to reinforce your partner and reward them.

6. Accept and Let Go

There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it. Many people find their situations too painful and/or unrewarding and leave the relationship, choosing not to further compromise themselves. Others accept that the situation is unlikely to change but decide to stay nonetheless, continuing to pursue happiness and fulfillment by letting go of some of their desires and expectations or changing their perspective regarding them. Whether you let go of the relationship or let go of some of what you had hoped for, it is necessary to come to the realization that the other person is beyond your power. Trying to control what cannot be controlled requires large amounts of energy and resources that could possibly be used to achieve something better and more fulfilling in your life. Whether you choose to “leave it” or “live with it,” you regain the power of control and can focus on fulfilling your life rather than hoping for an uncooperative partner to do it for you.

It is generally believed that humans are meant for connection and relationships. Most of us desire to live a life that is not isolated but diverse and interconnected, shared with a variety of people who all contribute meaning in a variety of ways. You may wish to share everything, or at least most things, with a partner, but this may not always be feasible. Yes, it is normal to expect a partner to change and be more cooperative toward shared goals or the relationship itself. But you might wish to consider whether it is better to focus on making fulfilling changes for yourself rather than pushing your partner to change. Then, if you don’t get the outcome you want from your partner, you won’t have wasted your energy but will instead have experienced personal growth, perhaps creating a more fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself in the process.

Your personal growth provides the freedom to exist with other people, even uncooperative ones, in a new manner, one in which your happiness no longer depends on another person.

There is a prevailing belief in today’s culture that men are sexual carnivores and women aren’t often in the mood. Quite often, though, women have the higher desire in heterosexual relationships.

Men and women alike may feel embarrassed if the male has a lower libido than the female partner. Men may feel emasculated, and women may not feel beautiful or sexy.

It’s important for women to know that there are many reasons a man’s libido may wane. According to a study summarized in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, up to 12% of adult males experience low libido because of androgen deficiency, with age and the added medical conditions that come with it being risk factors.

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As Dr. Edward Laumann states in his research, women’s drive is affected substantially by environmental factors (such as relationship, mood, age, self-esteem, body image, work issues, family issues, even weather). Similarly, men’s sex drive can be affected by stress (particularly at work), depression, substance abuse, hormone imbalance, medical issues, and aging, among other factors.

If you find that you are initiating sex a lot with your male partner or are feeling like his libido has dropped, here are some tips to deal with the situation:

1. Don’t take it personally. As can be the case with women, a man’s libido may be tied to self-esteem, body image, performance at work, finances, and ability to provide for the family. Your man may be feeling down about himself, he may be stressed at the office, or he may be feeling inadequate for some reason. Simple, loving compliments can boost his confidence and self-esteem; tell him, perhaps, how amazing he is, how much you love him, how much you want him, etc.
2. If you initiate and are successful, give plenty of positive feedback and praise. This may make him more likely to initiate or be interested again.
3. If you initiate and he turns you down, try to let it go. Accept his decision and maybe give him a kiss goodnight. Don’t argue or get upset or passive aggressive with him. It’s fine to ask if everything’s OK or if he wants to talk, but don’t harp on it. It’s not the right time to have a serious conversation about it.
4. Try something different. If your relationship is in a rut or things are getting a bit stale or boring, try something new that might excite him. You might ask him if anything in particular would appeal to him.
5. Touch him affectionately without expecting or asking for sex. Just enjoy the experience and don’t get too caught up in who initiated it. Being goal oriented may lead to him feeling pressured, and you feeling rejected, if sex does not follow. Focus on enjoying the physical intimacy and increasing your pleasure and connection in the moment.
6. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to engage him in a conversation when you’re alone but not in the moment. He may have no idea that you feel rejected; he may simply be wrapped up in whatever’s going on with him. Talking might tune him in to your feelings and needs.
7. Ask him how he feels and what might be affecting his interest level. Perhaps he’ll share that he has been stressed by an assignment at work. Perhaps he’s experiencing depression. Showing concern will help you both by providing him with empathy and support while reducing your self-conscious thoughts.
8. Understand that no two people have the same level of desire. Most couples have a difference in desire levels. Talk to him about your desire patterns and find a way to meet in the middle with regard to sexual intimacy. With communication and understanding, partners can learn what sexual intimacy means to the other person.

If the preceding tips don’t seem to help, consider seeking the help of a sex therapist to help address the root of the issue.

References:

1. Araujo, A.B, O’Donnell, A.B, Brambilla, D.J., Simpson, W.B, Longcope, C., Matsumoto, A.M., and McKinlay, J.B. (2004). Prevalence and Incidence of Androgen Deficiency in Middle-Aged and Older Men: Estimates from the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, Vol 89(12), 5920-5926.
2. Laumann, Edward. (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press.

When a couple with children separate or divorce, finding a way to co-parent successfully can be challenging. Even if the separation is the best course of action for a couple whose marriage has turned toxic, deeply unfulfilling, or hopelessly stagnant, powerful emotions inevitably accompany the end of a marriage. Although there may be relief and a sense of hope for new beginnings, it’s more typical to feel anger, grief, hurt, confusion, numbness, or temporary despair. The end of a marriage can be a death of sorts, even if it’s the death of a fantasy: of your partner’s unconditional love, of your ability to fix anything, of perfect security or absolute trust.

In the midst of disentangling shared lives, roles, routines, finances, and responsibilities, strong negative emotions can make it hard for one or both members of a couple to do what is best for their children, particularly during a tumultuous, uncertain time. This includes working together to create a new normal, containing criticisms and complaints about the other parent, and focusing on the children’s vulnerability and need to feel loved and safe.

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Continuity in parenting and structured routines is important when parents separate. If continuity is difficult, try to find ways to help the children understand and make sense of the lack of continuity. For better or worse, moving from sharing roles and responsibilities in a two-parent household to being co-parents in different households requires a degree of maturity and selflessness that can seem out of reach when hurt and resentment run deepest, as is often the case in the wake of a split. It’s precisely at this juncture, when partners may be feeling emotionally out-of-control, lonely, and a bit like orphaned children themselves, that a new type of alliance between them can act as a protective factor for children. In The Co-Parents Handbook, Bonnel and Little suggest what some might consider a highly advanced mindfulness practice for exes: moving from “spouse mind” to “parent mind” (2014). Noticing which of these two minds is active at any given moment and consciously choosing to relate to your ex as a co-parent rather than as a spouse can make a huge difference in how you approach parenting issues.

Changing the dynamic with your spouse from marital antagonists to task-focused collaborators takes time and will be a work in progress after any separation. Sometimes, it only happens in fits and starts. Often, finding shared parenting ground with your ex will require deep breathing during communication, trial and error, self-compassion, forgiveness, and determination as you move through multiple adjustments, compromises, disappointments, and triggering events.

“Research shows that parents who can put aside their differences for the sake of the children, learn to get along, and co-parent effectively make the transition to a new family structure less stressful and traumatic. This model increases the likelihood of children maintaining a positive relationship with both parents, which greatly minimizes the negative effects of divorce on children,” says Francine Ronis, a parenting educator and therapist in McLean, Virginia (personal communication, 2017). Despite the challenges you and your ex will face in this process, it’s important to set your joint sights on a higher set of priorities that transcends grievances in the interests of a greater good: your children’s ongoing physical and mental health.

Dissimilar rule structures, inconsistent discipline or consequences for unwanted behaviors, and widely divergent parenting styles may have a more lasting adverse impact on children from the toddler years into the preteen years, when a young person’s sense of self is particularly malleable (Karen, 1998). During these formative years, lifelong foundational templates for behaviors in relationships and in the world are being laid, and these templates—sometimes referred to as schemas—impact a person’s sense of self, agency, emotional resilience, and competence (Cloitre, 2004).

Imagine the challenges faced by the children in this divided family, a composite of cases drawn from people I’ve worked with in the therapy room over the years (names have been changed to protect confidentiality):

The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children.

Leah and Dave divorced after Dave discovered Leah’s affair with a coworker. They communicate infrequently, usually via text, though sometimes they send each other articles supporting their distinct parenting approaches to prove a point. They live in nearby apartments and share custody of their 4-year-old daughter Rose and their 6-year-old son Matthew, alternating care every two weeks. When the children are with their father, he holds them to a structured play, meal, and bedtime routine, though he rarely bathes them and is lax with hygiene habits such as brushing teeth. He expects Leah to take care of their dental and medical visits and vaccinations, though he has never discussed this explicitly with her. He allows the kids sugary snacks and processed meals but restricts their exposure to iPads, iPhones, and television. He has an authoritarian parenting style, uses time-outs, and when he’s at his wit’s end, he yells.

Leah, on the other hand, plays things by ear when the children are in her care. She allows them to sleep in her bedroom rather than requiring them to remain in their own bed at night, unless her boyfriend is visiting. When Rose has tantrums or when Matthew begins begging for video games or new toys, she finds it less time-consuming and stressful to acquiesce than to set boundaries or enforce consequences on continued whining or begging. On nights her boyfriend stays over, she rewards the children with video games for staying in their beds. Although she’s a wonderful chef and cooks healthy meals, the children often reject her food. She handles this by lecturing them on potential future health crises, or sometimes she simply breaks down and starts to cry. Although she takes the children to their medical appointments, she resents Dave for delivering the children to her on different occasions with lice, viruses, rashes, cavities, and ear infections, and expecting her to handle it.

Whatever your position on how Leah and Dave are parenting Rose and Matthew, the inconsistencies in how they handle routines, discipline, health issues, mealtimes, bedtime, sweets, and technology is likely to create serious problems in their co-parenting relationship. It may also set the stage for difficult-to-manage behavioral issues in their children. If Dave gets them on a successful sleep schedule, that schedule will be disrupted every time they visit Leah and are allowed to sleep in her bed, and he will have to reinvent the wheel every time the kids return to him. If Leah tries to educate the children on healthy food and provide them with nourishing meals, her efforts will be undermined when they go to their dad’s house and revert to Captain Crunch breakfasts and pizza dinners. With both parents making assumptions and judging the other parent’s way of handling things, self-righteousness may polarize them beyond their true values and intentions, making it harder to blend approaches and unify around a shared, effective way of handling repetitive challenges and issues.

10 Ways to Co-Parent More Effectively

Here are 10 practical ideas to try out if you’re serious about setting the stage for a more productive co-parenting relationship (these suggestions presuppose that neither parent is a danger to themselves or others):

1. Understand your unconscious parenting style and how it may be a reaction to or a repetition of the way your own parents parented you. Are you authoritarian, authoritative, or permissive? It’s important to find ways to make your co-parenting style a conscious choice, one that serves your children’s developmental needs rather than your own fears (Tsabary. 2016).
2. Take a co-parenting class. Many community centers and law firms offer co-parenting classes, sometimes for free.
3. Read a co-parenting book. There are many great books out there with helpful insights and tools. If you’re not a big reader, marriage and family therapist Polly Ely has created a range of hand-held scripts (available at www.thelabmethod.com) which you can keep in a kitchen drawer, purse, or backpack and read for on-the-spot guidance navigating challenging exchanges with your kids (2016).
4. Listen to parenting audios. There are many parenting and co-parenting audio programs available for download at nominal fees on the internet or for rental at public libraries. Child psychologist Dr. Renee Hackney, for example, has an audio library on her website providing research-supported psychoeducation on a wide range of parenting topics (2017).
5. Communicate regularly with your ex, even if it’s through texts or email, to coordinate schedules and keep each other informed of school events, lessons, medical issues, or other relevant information. The AzAFCC has a helpful Co-Parenting Communication Guide with specific suggestions for communication tailored to the exact medium you are using (2011).
6. Notice what your ex is getting right. Express gratitude and appreciation through texts, email, or in person. For example: “I’m so grateful for the notes you write to me and put in our daughter’s backpack keeping me posted on the stuff you think I should know about your time together.” Apologize when you do or say something you regret.
7. Talk to your ex about the pros and cons of your routines, find common ground, and agree to keep certain parts of the children’s routines consistent between households. Co-create a co-parenting agreement, something that helps unite you in your intentions, vision, parental rights, obligations, and mutual goals (Family by Design, 2012.) You can also co-create a co-parenting mission statement, post it on the refrigerator, or make it a daily reminder as a screensaver. For example: “Our mission as co-parents is to work together, to respect and support our separate relationships with our kids, and to help our children develop into kind, confident, resourceful, happy human beings.”
8. Find ways to support each other that will allow for greater consistency while permitting flexibility. Examples: providing a few frozen home-made meals at drop-off for the parent who hates to cook, or keeping the children on the other parent’s sleep schedule even if that requires extra effort.
9. Discuss the rules that vary between households with your children, and explain why you and your ex have different views about these rules. Express your belief that your child has the ability to respect both sets of rules, just as they might whisper when they’re in a library and laugh loudly when they’re at a playground. Give your children space and time to share their feelings about the inconsistencies.
10. When a serious difference or grievance arises, figure out a way to work through it respectfully. Learn to contain and compartmentalize your negative emotions in your children’s presence. Avoid making negative statements, judgments, or even indulging in subtle innuendoes about your ex’s wrongness, badness, or inferiority. If possible, minimize the amount of time you spend spinning your mental wheels judging, blaming, criticizing, and complaining about your ex, whether to yourself or others. Although it’s appropriate and necessary to feel and work through your anger and grief, it’s inappropriate and harmful to overexpose your children to these processes or to remain stuck in a victim role.

Drop deeper into the underlying vulnerability your anger is protecting you from. Take responsibility for some part of why your marriage didn’t work, and rise to the challenge of making your relationship as co-parents a successful one. This will empower you to accept your situation, grow, and move on. If you need a mediator or a therapist to help you do this, get one. Agree to ground rules for respectful communication and stick to them. It’s important to minimize aggression/aggressive language or behavior toward your ex at pick-ups or drop-offs or at events where you’re together, such as birthdays, holidays, or graduations.

Keep in mind your child’s father or mother is one of a kind to your daughter or son, even if stepparents enter the picture. Try to see your ex through your child’s eyes. Children internalize their relationships with their parents as reflections of their own identity. The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children. In addition, when you can help your children maintain a realistic and positive connection with your ex, you’re helping them to cope with your separation or divorce, feel safer and more loved, and develop a healthier sense of self.

References:

1. Arizona Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. (2011). Co-Parenting Communication Guide. Retrieved from http://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AzAFCC%20Coparenting%20Communication%20Guide.pdf
2. Bonnel, K., & Little, K. (2014). The Co-Parents Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family from Little Ones to Young Adults. Bellevue, WA: CMC Publishers.
3. Cloitre, M., Cherry, S., Levitt, J., & Martin, A. (2004). A Two-Phase Treatment for Adults with PTSD Related to Experiences of Mass Violence, The Manual.
4. Ely, P. (2016). The Lab Method. Retrieved from https://www.thelabmethod.com/
5. Family by Design Ventures. (2012). Family by Design, the Community for Parenting Partnerships. Retrieved from http://familybydesign.com/content/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/FBD-Co-Parenting-Agreement.pdf
6. Hackney, R. (2017). Parenting Playgroups. Retrieved from http://parentingplaygroups.com/MemberResources/index.php/welcome/
7. Karen, R. (1998). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
8. Tsabary, S. (2016). The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. New York, NY: Viking.

Parents who use harsh parenting tactics, such as physical and verbal aggression, may exacerbate the behaviors they wish to prevent, according to a study published in the journal Child Development. Children whose parents used harsh tactics had poor academic outcomes and were more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors.

Parenting Effects on Educational Attainment

The study initially enrolled 1,482 seventh graders living near Washington, D.C. Researchers followed the teens for nine years, until they were 21. The group was racially, socioeconomically, and geographically diverse. At the end of the study, 1,060 participants remained.

The students answered questions about their parents’ use of verbal and physical aggression. They also reported on their relationships with peers, sexual behavior, and habits such as balancing time with peers and time to complete homework.

Children of harsh parents were more likely to report in ninth grade that their peers were more important than following the rules. By eleventh grade, these teens engaged in more high-risk behaviors. Boys in this group were more likely to engage in juvenile delinquency such as stealing and aggression, while girls were more likely to participate in early sexual behavior.

[fat_widget_right]By 21, adults who were harshly parented as children had lower educational attainment. They were more likely to drop out of school, and they had lower grades and standardized test scores. The study’s authors suggest harsh parenting indirectly leads to lower educational attainment by encouraging children to place the highest value on peer relationships and embrace high-risk behaviors that sustain those relationships.

The study’s authors suggest improved intervention strategies for teens whose parents use harsh parenting tactics could help increase their potential educational attainment later in life.

Harsh Parenting May Be an Ineffective Strategy

Other studies have also linked harsh parenting to negative outcomes in children. One study found children who are more frequently spanked are more likely to struggle at school, be diagnosed with a mental health condition, and engage in antisocial behavior. Another study found parenting style matters most for “difficult” children. Excessively harsh parenting was most harmful to children with challenging temperaments.

Reference:

Hentges, R. F., & Wang, M. (2017). Gender differences in the developmental cascade from harsh parenting to educational attainment: An evolutionary perspective. Child Development. doi:10.1111/cdev.12719

I was recently asked for my thoughts on pageant culture and its relationship to self-esteem. First, let me say I don’t have a lot of experience with pageant culture. Much of my knowledge is based on what I’ve seen on television and in movies, and obviously some of this may be extremely exaggerated and over-the-top. Perhaps real-life pageant culture is less dramatic, cutthroat, or superficial than the scripted shows and examples the general population may be familiar with. And perhaps there are many positive aspects for both the winners and losers in pageants.

But my gut reaction is to feel skeptical about the ability of pageants to favorably impact self-esteem, and I tend to have a negative (though admittedly biased and inexperienced) view of pageant culture on the whole.

As somebody who teaches self-esteem workshops but lacks personal experience with pageants, I found the question about the relationship between pageants and self-esteem intriguing. Here, I share some of my thoughts regarding how pageants could potentially be harmful to the pursuit of healthy self-esteem. I remain curious to learn more about both the pros and cons of pageant culture and its impact on individuals, and I hope others will share their thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

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While there are many aspects to pageants besides “beauty” (such as talent, skill, intelligence, personality, and aspiration), the focus seems to be on appearance, glitz, and glam. What is “pretty” and “in shape” has largely been defined by advertisers and the media—and by their questionable standards, the faces and bodies that tend to be the norm in pageants, whether it’s Miss America or Toddlers & Tiaras, are “ideal.” The problem with this is body image can play a huge role in self-esteem, and this intense focus on appearance can give off the impression appearance is everything.

On the contrary, appearance is only one factor among the many different qualities and traits that make us unique and beautiful. Looks are not necessarily something we have much control over. Thus, many people who may not fit the perceived ideal are susceptible to feeling inadequate, flawed, or simply not good enough.

Our society is filled with messages that tell us we should look a certain way or have a certain type of body to be accepted and desirable. The ideals portrayed in advertising and media compel us to make comparisons and fixate over whether we measure up. Pageants render the same type of pressure, along with the added elements of an actual competition and being judged.

Healthy self-esteem is about accepting yourself the way you are. It involves an ability to acknowledge you are uniquely made up of both strengths and weaknesses. It requires you to have a realistic understanding that nobody is perfect; rather, we are all diverse individuals made up of varying gifts and flaws. Healthy self-esteem includes the internalized messages “I am good” and “I am enough.”

While some pageants take into consideration other components via talent and interview categories, there is an overwhelming message that one must first and foremost be physically appealing. Participants may go to great lengths to alter or enhance their appearance. From heavy makeup, to fake eyelashes, to hair extensions, to some pretty extreme things such as plastic surgery and unhealthy dieting practices, many pageant participants engage in behaviors focused on changing themselves to become “more perfect.” The pursuit of perfection is the antithesis to healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem is about accepting yourself the way you are. It involves an ability to acknowledge you are uniquely made up of both strengths and weaknesses. It requires you to have a realistic understanding that nobody is perfect; rather, we are all diverse individuals made up of varying gifts and flaws. Healthy self-esteem includes the internalized messages “I am good” and “I am enough.”

In contrast, pageants seem to instill messages like “I should be flawless,” “I have to be thin,” and “I need to look and act a certain way to be judged favorably.” When our thought patterns include these rigid and restricting statements, we are set up to feel inadequate and ultimately terrible about ourselves. The idea we have to put so much effort into our appearance and actions to be accepted sends the message we are not good enough as is. This feeling of not being good enough or acceptable creates the foundation of insecurity and low self-esteem.

I especially worry about the effects of pageant culture and its overarching messages on young girls who may not have the resilience, maturity, or life experience to keep the competition and judging in context. If these girls are not also being taught loud and clear messages about possessing inherent worth, appreciating diversity, and understanding beauty, strength, and ability come in all shapes and sizes, they are at real risk of facing a lifetime of problems with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.

Perhaps children can be protected from some of the harmful messages and skewed values of pageants if their parents are countering them with healthy conversations and diverse experiences. Cynically, I’m not sure the parents who understand and strive to instill these principles are the ones interested in introducing their kids to pageant culture. But, lacking any real experience with pageant life, I may be missing some of the benefits and am open to hearing other perspectives.

Marriage later in life may cause middle-aged women to gain weight, but those who divorce may see improvements in their health, according to a study published in the Journal of Women’s Health. The study tracked marital status and various health measures to explore how marriage affects health.

Health Effects of Marriage in Middle Age

The study evaluated data on 79,094 postmenopausal women who participated in the Women’s Health Initiative Observational Study. Participants ranged in age from 50-79 and were evaluated over the course of three years. Researchers tracked the participants’ weight, waist circumference, blood pressure, smoking history, use of alcohol, exercise habits, and diet.

They then divided women into three groups: women who married or entered a long-term relationship during the study; those who separated or divorced during the study; and those whose marital status did not change—remaining either single or married—during the study period.

All of the women who were unmarried when the study began gained some weight during the study, which is not uncommon as women age. However, women who got married gained an average of two additional pounds more than their unmarried peers. Women who got married and those who remained single both experienced drops in diastolic blood pressure, but single women experienced a greater drop. Single women also drank less alcohol than those who married.

[fat_widget_right]Women who divorced lost weight and increased their physical activity. Women who remained married, by contrast, gained an average of two pounds and saw a decline in physical activity.

Is Marriage Good for Women?

Researchers have long debated the health benefits of marriage. While most research suggests marriage improves men’s health, the data on women is less clear. One study linked marital problems to health issues such as high blood pressure and an increased risk of heart attack for women, but not for men. Another study found married women did not gain the health benefits that married men gained. Women who divorced in their twenties were also less likely than those who stayed married to experience metabolic syndrome.

A study of more than 800,000 married people found married men and women with cancer were more likely to survive.

References:

1. Change in marital status post-menopause may impact health. (2017, February 6). Retrieved from https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-02-health-postmenopausal-women-divorce.html
2. Knapton, S. (2015, June 11). Marriage is more beneficial for men than women, study shows. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/14/marriage-is-more-beneficial-for-men-than-women-study-shows/
3. Kutob, R. M., Yuan, N. P., Wertheim, B. C., Sbarra, D. A., Loucks, E. B., Nassir, R., . . . Thomson, C. A. (2017). Relationship between marital transitions, health behaviors, and health indicators of postmenopausal women: Results from the Women’s Health Initiative. Journal of Women’s Health. doi:10.1089/jwh.2016.5925
4. Tamkins, T. (2009, March 6). Unhappily ever after: Why bad marriages hurt women’s health. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/06/marriage.women.heart/index.html?_s=PM%3AHEALTH

As a mental health therapist, I often work with people who have difficulty making and keeping healthy friendships, as well as other relationships (coworkers, family members, partners, and the list goes on and on). Among the struggles I often hear is not knowing how to sincerely connect with someone.

One way to connect is by giving sincere compliments.

Compliments are a great way to connect because they make both the giver and the recipient of the compliment feel good. People enjoy being around other pleasant people, so if you make someone feel good, that person may be more likely to want to spend more time around and with you.

It might sound simple on the surface, but the people I work with in therapy sometimes struggle with how to give sincere compliments to others. I offer the following four tips to keep in mind:

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1. Be Genuine

Don’t give a compliment if you don’t mean it. If you tell someone you enjoy something when in reality it disgusts you, and they find out later, it may hurt your ability to be trusted or be taken seriously in the future. You don’t want to be considered a liar, no matter how good your intentions are. Genuine behavior is generally appreciated, and people may be more likely to respect what you say if you truly mean it.

2. Look for the Good

People enjoy hearing positive feedback. By focusing on the good, or the benefit, of someone’s personality, skill, interest, or other area you wish to compliment, you make it easier for a receptive response. If you find it difficult to compliment someone sincerely in a certain area, try looking at the situation from their perspective and what may have influenced their choices.

3. Focus on Your Feelings

When you focus on the pleasant feeling the recipient of your compliment feels, it feels good to them as well. When someone brings joy, love, or another pleasant emotion to someone else, it often makes them feel that same emotion in return.

4. Keep It Simple

Keeping your compliments simple and to a minimum may help strengthen your connection to the other person. When you give too many compliments, or engage in giving grandiose, complicated compliments, it can feel uncomfortable and a little off-putting. Keep your compliments to one to three at a time. In these situations, less is often more.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers an entire module focus on learning skills to improve one’s interpersonal effectiveness (the way one communicates and connects with others). One of the skill sets in this module is a great way to help people learn how to give sincere compliments. To remember these skills, DBT uses the acronym GIVE:

• Gentle: Have a soft, gentle approach to your tone, word choice, and attitude.
• Interested: Be genuinely interested in the person and the content of your conversation.
• Validate: Think about and let the other person know their experience is real and understandable, even if you don’t agree with it.
• Easygoing: Be flexible and have an easygoing manner.

An example of a sincere compliment using the GIVE formula is as follows:

• Gentle: “You’re a good friend.”
• Interested: “I really appreciated your help with my project the other day.”
• Validate: “It wasn’t easy, but we got through it. Your helpfulness is really great!”
• Easygoing: “Thanks, buddy.”

I’d love to hear your experiences giving and receiving compliments. Please share your most appreciated compliments below and how it felt to give or receive them.

When you are the spouse or partner of a person experiencing depression, you may feel stuck between wanting to help and realizing depression is a force larger than your love at times. You may be on edge, hypervigilant, worried, and feel hopeless when you cannot fix it for them.

First things first. If your loved one is in a depressive state lasting longer than two weeks characterized by sleep disturbances, lack of interest in once-enjoyed activities, weight gain or loss, sad feelings, fatigue, irritability, suicidal thoughts, and/or social isolation, you should get professional help immediately. You can start with your family doctor, who may refer you to a mental health professional. Depression is not something to “wait and see” on, and it’s not something just anyone can identify or diagnose. Keep in mind, also, it is common for a depressed person to not want anyone (especially a loved one) to worry, so they will often put on a good front and minimize their true feelings.

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When your spouse or partner is hurting, it is natural to want to solve it for them—to search for actions you can do to remove depression and replace it with happiness. While this is a valiant and tender-hearted gesture, it is also ill-fated. Depression doesn’t simply go away because you’ve loved more. Clinical depression can be a chemical imbalance, a residual effect of past trauma, a situational outcome, or a genetic predisposition, making treatment difficult in the best of circumstances.

So what does it feel like to watch your spouse or partner go through depression? Well, it’s depressing. It creates a situation that may feel out of control, hopeless, and heavy. You may become a watcher—watching what the depressed person says, what they look like, how they acted, and what didn’t happen. You may become a detective trying to identify something that will create change and bring lightness. “If only …” may become your new motto, “Why don’t you try …” your new daily suggestion.

As a partner and (at least to some extent) caretaker, you will need to keep yourself healthy. That may mean seeking your own individual therapy, seeing friends, doing activities you enjoy, exercising, eating healthy, and setting clear emotional boundaries about what you can change and what you must accept.

You may become consumed with fighting this depression and then, without realizing it and without meaning to, you may get angry—angry your loved one isn’t getting better, angry your life stinks, angry you can’t change this. You know it isn’t your loved one’s fault and they didn’t ask for depression, but you may get impatient anyway, wanting change to happen more quickly than they may be able to move. You may experience a grieving of sorts—for the loss of the life with your loved one that you once knew.

As a partner and (at least to some extent) caretaker, you will need to keep yourself healthy. That may mean seeking your own individual therapy, seeing friends, doing activities you enjoy, exercising, eating healthy, and setting clear emotional boundaries about what you can change and what you must accept.

It is not unloving to learn to maintain a distance from the depression; it may, in fact, be the only thing that keeps you healthy and available. Observing your loved one suffering while you live fully can be difficult to comprehend. You will no doubt ask yourself if you should be laughing, eating out, or seeing a movie. However, who will take care of you if you don’t? Finding lighter, more upbeat activities can create space that allows for some happy times for you. This space can fuel you when times are heavy and tough. As with all things, “this too shall pass” can be a mantra to absorb and hold true.

In time and with treatment, your spouse or partner can be happy again, and you can feel less worried and vigilant.

Let me ease the burden of sex for you. I use the word “burden” because I know sex can feel like one sometimes. Sex may not be the most important pillar in your relationship, but how you engage, navigate, and connect around sex is crucial, whether sex is active or dormant.

Life has a way of steamrolling a couple’s sex life. Kids. School. Chores. Career. Family. Health care. Finances. Other obligations.

It’s always someone’s birthday or a holiday. No matter how much you clean, the house always looks dirty. The lawn keeps growing. Your to-do list has no end. Your boss demands more of your time. The kids always need new shoes or have a baseball game.

When you finally sit down at the end of each day, you feel depleted. The only thing you have any energy for is your favorite TV show. However, you save that for the weekend because you have to catch up on work email. Then you go to bed, only to wake up to the same routine, responsibilities, and exhaustion.

Find a Therapist for Sex / Sexuality

Somewhere in there, you are supposed to make time for your partner—for date nights and for sex. Not humanly possible, right? Your relationship may go on like this for years until fighting and irritability set in, someone has an affair, or someone walks away.

Whether you are the pursuer of sex or the distancer in your relationship, sex can feel untenable. If sex happens but feels dissatisfying, it may be your sex life is comprised more of quickies and obligatory sex than true engagement. If you habitually compare your current sex life to “how much we used to do it,” you may set up future sexual encounters as failures.

Mismatched sexual desire is not uncommon in romantic relationships—research shows that desire discrepancies are one of the most frequent issues couples report in therapy, with one study finding that 80 percent of couples experience mismatched libidos at some point in their relationship. One person frequently pursues sex while the other, the one with lower drive, distances. Ultimately, the pursuer may feel rejected and wonder, “What is wrong with us? With me?”

Recent research shows that 15 percent of men and 34.2 percent of women reported losing interest in sex for three months or more in the previous year, demonstrating that sexual dry spells are a normal part of many relationships.

Here are some tips to help you survive the inevitable sexual dry spells of a marriage or long-term relationship:

1. Talk About the Dry Spell

The dry spell can become a painful elephant in the room. Have a respectful conversation, acknowledge how you both feel about sex, how life or relationship discord has hijacked you and your spark. Note what you miss sexually (whether it’s about yourself or your partner). Talk about what you look forward to when desire returns. Be honest, regardless of whether you’re the pursuer or the distancer. Own your roles without pressuring each other.

Research shows that open communication about topics such as sexual desires, boundaries, and relationship expectations is linked to greater sexual satisfaction and improved relationship quality.

2. Practice Realistic Expectations

If you set the bar at an unachievable height, you are doomed to feel disappointed. Acceptance reflects a mature outlook on sex. This does not mean either one of you does not want sex or is “settling.” It means you practice realistic expectations regarding how you approach your sex life. It means accepting you are not that couple on television (or in porn) who have spontaneous, hot sex every single time.

3. Strive for Quality, Not Quantity

Some partners place heavy emphasis on quantity. Partners may say, “Well, we have sex only once a month” with embarrassment For some couples, this might be where your baseline settles. If so, focus more on making that “once a month” as fulfilling as possible for both of you. If you improve the quality of those times, you may feel more connected, enough so that the space between does not feel as long or lonely.

Studies show that quality counts more than quantity, with younger generations prioritizing emotional connection over physical frequency.

4. Value Emotional Connection as Much as Sexual Connection

Your emotional life and sexual life are intertwined. If sex chronically diminishes, it may be more than life’s hijack. Have more intimate conversations, ask each other about how your relationship feels, share with one another, express gratitude, compliment each other, and treat each other kindly and with respect. Value these qualities as much as you value sex.

Research supports the strong intertwining between sexual and relationship well-being, with longitudinal findings revealing a bidirectional relationship between relational intimacy and sexual satisfaction.

5. Practice Healthy Doses of Humor

Do not take yourself too seriously. Remember, dry spells are inevitable.

Do not take yourself too seriously. Remember, dry spells are inevitable. Before jumping to conclusions or dwelling in rejection, practice humor to ease the tension around sex. When both partners make light, loving jokes about the dry spell, it may alleviate pressure on both sides. At the same time, humor works only when both partners are laughing. Jokes should not be masked digs. Make them playful, considerate, and loving.

6. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Bids Even If You Don’t Act on Them

Couples run into trouble when sexual bids are ignored, dismissed, or even harshly rejected. When your partner is in the mood but you are not, but you are nonetheless flattered, consider expressing appreciation. Try not to act annoyed. Can you appreciate that, after all this time together, your partner still desires you?

7. Expand Your Definition of Sex

Partners typically view sex through the narrow definition of intercourse or penetration where at least one person experiences orgasm. Can you shift how you think of sex? Rather than striving for penetration, focus on sexual connection. With this expanded view, you may have a wider range of sexual options to choose from that do not obligate you to “go all the way” every time.

8. Look for Small Windows of Opportunity

When time and energy fall short, try mini-moments of sexual connection. These can range from acts such as longer, lingering kisses to light foreplay and more. Smaller gestures let your partner know, “I may not be able to follow through right now, but I want to,” “I like touching you,” and “I miss you.” These are mini-moments. You can even declare, “I’m coming in for a mini” so you are both clear on the intention.

A friend of mine once referred to his sex life as “peaks and valleys.” How you approach those peaks and valleys makes all the difference between sustained connection and disgruntled disconnection.

Important Note: The information in this article is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional medical or therapeutic advice. If you are experiencing persistent relationship or sexual difficulties, consider consulting with a qualified therapist or healthcare provider. Research suggests that stress reduction interventions may be a potential way to promote sexual health, ultimately contributing to improved well-being and overall health.

References:

1. Arenella, K., Girard, A., & Connor, J. (2024). Desire discrepancy in long-term relationships: A qualitative study with diverse couples. Family Process, 63(3), 1201-1216. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38234271/
2. Chen, T., Dai, M., Calabrese, C., & Merrill Jr., K. (2025). Dyadic and longitudinal influences of sexual communication on relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and daily affect among same-sex male couples. Health Communication, 40(7), 1352-1362. https://doi.org/10.1080/10410236.2024.2400813
3. Hims Health Team. (2024). How can I keep sex fresh in my long-term relationship? Good Health by Hims. https://www.hims.com/blog/dryspell-in-relationship
4. Mües, H. M., Markert, C., Feneberg, A. C., & Nater, U. M. (2025). Too stressed for sex? Associations between stress and sex in daily life. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 181, 107583. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40907147/
5. Psychology Today. (2025). When libidos clash: I love you, but I’m not in the mood. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hidden-desires/202503/when-libidos-clash-i-love-you-but-im-not-in-the-mood
6. Smith, K. (2025). Sex, intimacy, and connection: How often do couples have sex in 2025. South Denver Therapy. https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/sex-intimacy-and-connection-2025
7. University of Cincinnati. (2025). Uncovering what matters to young adults: Communicating about sexual health & relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15546128.2025.2459381

The adoption of a child is an event, fixed in time, with a beginning and an end. However, the impact of adoption is far-reaching and ever-changing—a process that continues throughout the lifespan of the adopted person and those connected.

It’s been my professional experience that many individuals who were adopted share similar symptoms, beliefs, and reactions in the present that stem from the separation trauma of parting from their biological mother at birth. Multiple placements, foster care, or time in an orphanage can exacerbate this trauma.

An infant or child separated from their birth mother will almost certainly experience some level of trauma, as they will perceive this event to be a dangerous situation. The sensations, sights, and sounds with which they were familiar are gone, and the mother is no longer available to soothe the child or help the child self-regulate. Because the only part of the brain fully developed at birth is the brain stem—this controls the sympathetic nervous system, which generates the “fight, flight, or freeze” response—babies are unable to use parasympathetic abilities, such as self-soothing. When this happens before the age of 3, it is encoded as implicit memory—like any event that takes place before the development of language. As noted trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk explains in his book The Body Keeps the Score, “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, brain, and body.”

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Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is an integrative therapy originally developed by Francine Shapiro to alleviate distress associated with traumatic memories. When a traumatic event occurs or something happens that is perceived as traumatic, the associated memories may become stored in the brain and nervous system in a maladaptive way—frozen rather than processed. Current reactions are fueled by negative beliefs stemming from events that occurred in the past. People become stuck. In some cases, trauma that happened years ago continues to feel like it’s happening in the present.

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EMDR therapy targets the unprocessed memory as well as the emotions, beliefs, and body sensations associated with it. Bilateral stimulation (generally eye movements, tapping, or tones) activates the brain’s information processing system, allowing the old memories to be digested or reprocessed and stored in an adaptive way—even if the person doesn’t have an autobiographical account of the memory. For many adoptees, the trauma happened before they developed the language to explain the events, so the memory is primarily somatic in nature and stored in the nervous system.

Many adoptees have issues related to attachment ruptures. An adopted child whose parent is a few minutes late to pick them up from school may dissolve into tears. The internalized belief or negative cognition that child develops may sound something like “It’s not safe to trust” or “People I love leave me.” An adult who was adopted may unknowingly recreate abandonment scenarios in relationships, unconsciously choosing partners who are not truly available and do leave, fulfilling the negative belief “I am not worth it” or “I am not lovable.”

Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps integrate the early memories, body sensations, emotions, and negative beliefs the person has. Over a series of sessions, symptoms are reduced, and beliefs associated with the memories or experience are shifted to a more positive and adaptive state.

In both examples, the reaction in the present is disproportionate to the situation. This is useful information that some feeling, experience, or memory from the past is being triggered. A much younger “self” is running the show. The fight, flight, or freeze response gets activated in these situations, and the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain in charge of executive functioning and decision making, goes offline. The person may feel disregulated, scared, and confused.

So what does a typical EMDR session with an adopted person look like?

After gathering history and establishing rapport, the therapist and person in therapy work together to establish target memories and present triggers that are causing suffering and/or interfering with daily life. The “targets” are the starting points of the session and a point of reference to trace the memory back in time. Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps integrate the early memories, body sensations, emotions, and negative beliefs the person has. Over a series of sessions, symptoms are reduced, and beliefs associated with the memories or experience are shifted to a more positive and adaptive state.

Rather than the belief “I’m not lovable,” the person may be able to recognize and have a felt sense of worth despite what happened in the past. In my work with adopted individuals, I combine various EMDR protocols, guided imagery, mindfulness practices, and visualization to create calm states and nurturing figures in the present to help heal the wounds of the past.

EMDR is safe, effective, noninvasive, and powerful. It does not involve medication or hypnosis, and I’ve found it a wonderful adjunct to talk therapy in my work with people who were adopted. If you want or need support on your healing journey, find an EMDR therapist in your area.

Reference:

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. London, UK: Penguin Books.