Recently, I was riding in the car with my very spirited three-year-old. I had picked her up early from a play date to race across town. She was very distressed to leave her friend and let me know all about her distress through high-pitched screams. I knew she needed some comfort, a calming voice, and a nurturing tone to help comfort her in her distress.

Do you know what I noticed? It was so hard to give her the comfort she needed because I was having such a strong reaction inside of me. The sound of her cries alone created feelings of angst and anxiety in me. I was also feeling frustration and anger that she had created such a scene as I carried her kicking and screaming out of her friend’s house.

In the moment she was in distress and needed the comfort of her mother, I had to work very hard to manage my own emotions to lean in and appropriately comfort her.

As a therapist, it is easy to lean in and provide comfort, reassurance, and understanding to my clients. The reason it is so easy is that I am not the source of their pain. As they speak of the pain, usually caused by other people or situations in their lives, I can easily elicit feelings of compassion and care without defensiveness. I can do so because there is not a complicated storm of emotion inside of me.

Have I Caused Pain?

When you are the one who caused the pain, and when the hurt in your partner is a result of your actions, the process of offering comfort and compassion is much more complicated. When couples come in to therapy, it is usually because there is hurt between them. Usually, they have been unable to find comfort, care, and compassion in their partner to ease the hurt. They may often conclude that the reason their partner is not able to be there for them in the way they need is either that their partner doesn’t care or that they aren’t capable.

There is a good reason providing comfort can be difficult. Hurting your partner, the one that you love, feels awful. It can be brutally hard to think about, hear about, or see the tears, anger, and pain in your partner and know it’s been caused by you.

Addressing the Pain in Therapy

I remember a couple who came to therapy due to the husband’s affair. His wife was so hurt and angry that whenever she brought up her pain, he would shut down, leave the room, or tell her she “needed to get over it.”

When asked about his reactions to his wife, he told me “When she brings it up, she is reminding me of the worst thing I have ever done. It can be unbearable to think about.” It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner. To be there for one’s partner in a comforting and healing way, it is necessary to manage these strong emotions within oneself.

If you are looking to speak to a therapist reach out to one of our therapists in Pittsburgh, PA or find a therapist closer to you.

It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner.

How to Provide Comfort: 6 Tips

1. Recognize how much your partner needs you. When you are the source of your partner’s pain, it can be easy to think “I’ve caused your pain, I’m the last person you want to comfort you.” Exactly the opposite is often true. If you have caused pain in your partner, you can be one of the most helpful people in comforting that pain.

2. Find a support person. It can be a difficult, daunting, and frustrating process to rebuild and repair a relationship after major hurts have occurred. Your efforts to make things better may be rejected or criticized by your hurting spouse. You may need a therapist to help you manage your emotions of shame, frustration, hopelessness, and rejection in order to keep showing up for your partner in a comforting way. Also, if you feel stuck in your efforts to repair hurts in your relationship, you may need a couples therapist to help guide you.

3. Be flexible with what your partner needs. One day your partner may need to be left alone. The next they may need to be held. When there have been relational hurts, these needs can change by the hour or the day. There is often not a single, foolproof approach that works. Be willing to adapt your approach as your partner’s needs change.

4. Learn what comfort feels like for your partner. There are a lot of ways to provide comfort for your partner. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, physical and emotional closeness from our partner is one of the most powerful ways to experience comfort. Physical closeness can be achieved through being held, hugged, holding hands, or cuddling. Emotional closeness can include the following:

• Providing reassurance: “I love you,” “I am here for you,” “I’m not going anywhere.”
• Validating the hurt: “Of course this hurt you deeply.”
• Understanding the hurt: “Tell me more about what you are going through.”
• Hearing the hurt: “You can tell me how you feel. I want to know.”
• Showing remorse: “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.”

A great place to start is, “When you are hurting like this, what helps the most? What do you need from me right now?”

5. Express a willingness to do whatever it takes. It can be easy to feel like there is nothing you can do to make this better. You may think, “Anything I say only makes things worse” or “I don’t know what to do to make things better.” It can be comforting for your hurt partner to hear “I’m not sure how to help, but I know I want to help.” Let them know that although you might not always know how, you want to make things better, and you are willing to learn how to do that.

6. Open up. Expressing your emotions and showing vulnerabilities may not be your strong suit. However, it can be comforting for your hurting partner to know you are hurting too, and that they are not in this hurt alone. It can be very healing for your partner to hear and see that you hurt because they hurt.

Reference:

Johnson, S., (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

During times of stress, we often feel as if we are “losing it.” We can feel consumed by paralyzing anxiety. At this point, our brains often can no longer experience the functioning of higher executive areas of the brain, and this leads to times where the brain goes “blank,” such as during a major exam.

What Is Stress?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, stress is “the brain’s response to any demand.” This definition shows that stress is normal and necessary and not necessarily harmful. It becomes harmful when it is excessive. Excessive stress is toxic stress.

The Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that serves as a control center to our emotions, keeping our impulse nature in check. In extremely stressful situations, the brain sends chemicals away from the prefrontal cortex towards the hypothalamus, which manages the stressful feelings.

The prefrontal cortex is sensitive to stress. This region of the brain does not fully reach maturity until after one’s teen years. Home to the neural circuitry for abstract thought, it is also responsible for concentration and helping us stay on task while storing information in our working memory.

When unstressed, the neurons within the executive center of the prefrontal cortex run smoothly and help us solve problems and think calmly. When stress hits, our brains become flooded with norepinephrine and dopamine, which are arousal chemicals. They tell the prefrontal cortex to shut off neuron firing.

Stress Hormones

At the same time, the adrenal glands tell our bodies to release the stress hormone cortisol, which also invades the prefrontal cortex. In fact, studies show that after exposure to neurotransmitters or stress hormones, the neurons in the prefrontal cortex disconnect and stop firing.

Studies have shown that when a person is exposed to extended periods of excessive stress, the areas of the brain involved with sustained reasoning start to shrivel, the dendrites in the amygdala enlarge, and those in the prefrontal cortex shrink. In fact, it has been found that when a person is exposed to an extensive level of stress, prefrontal gray matter shrinks.

High levels of cortisol wear down the brain’s ability to function properly. In addition, extended levels of elevated stress can kill brain cells, even leading to the reduction of the size of the brain.

High levels of cortisol wear down the brain’s ability to function properly. In addition, extended levels of elevated stress can kill brain cells, even leading to the reduction of the size of the brain.

Scientists hope to use what they learn about the brain’s response to stress and what causes it to degenerate from reflective to reflexive. Current research may lead to effective treatments for stress.

Things That Cause Stress

Childhood stressors include exposure to violence, abuse of all types, neglect, and divorce/relationship conflict of parents. The consequences of these stressors are affect dysregulation, provocative behaviors, poor school performance, anxiety, depression, avoidance of intimacy, and disturbance of attachment.

Exposure to chronic stressors in childhood lead to lifelong neurobiological disorders, which result in long-term issues such as mood disorders, anxiety, immune dysfunctions, medical issues, structural changes in the brain, and lowered age of death.

Adult stressors tend to be mainly caused by these same childhood experiences and their consequences over time, including major medical issues. Over time, adults with stress have often resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which can also contribute to increased stress. These include substance abuse, dangerous living environments, and other unhealthy lifestyle choices.

Managing Stress

Currently, the best methods for managing stress include relaxation exercises, deep breathing, meditation, and medication.

When in a stressful situation, we can learn to help ourselves in the moment by using cognitive behavior strategies. These include the above mentioned suggestions as well as:

• Taking a “time out,” or walking away temporarily from a stressful situation.
• Repeating an internal “mantra,” such as “Everything’s going to be okay.”
• Going for a walk or taking some other type of physical action to get your energy out of your body.
• Using mindfulness, such as focusing on something using your senses. You might look for everything in your environment that is a specific color, notice sounds, or something else.
• Using a mental activity such as listing from a to z one thing you are grateful for, starting with each letter of the alphabet.

Pharmaceutical companies are testing the drugs prazosin and guanfacin, which are now used for other purposes, to see if they can help keep the mind functioning well during experiences of stress.

Healing Chronic Stress

It is important to realize that stressful events are stored differently in our brains than non-stressful events. Most episodic memories are stored in our brain’s left hemisphere, which can be recalled and processed cognitively. Stressful events are stored in our brain’s right hemisphere and are felt viscerally. Healing from traumatic memories requires a more extensive approach to healing than merely implementing coping skills.

With chronic stress caused by extensive exposure to traumatic events, it is often helpful to meet with a therapist. The best types of therapy for healing posttraumatic stress involve somatic/experiential interventions such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and other types of bilateral-stimulation methods.

I would also like to mention ego-state therapy as a powerful tool for healing childhood trauma. All of these methods together can enable individuals struggling with long-term stress to finally find relief and put the painful memories to bed.

References:

1. Arnsen, A., Mazure, C., & Sinha, R. (2012). This is your brain in meltdown. Scientific American, 4(306), 48-53. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22486116
2. Bernstein, R. (2016, July 26). The mind and mental health: How stress affects the brain. Retrieved from http://www.tuw.edu/content/health/how-stress-affects-the-brain
3. Fox, H. & Sinha, R. (2014). The role of guanfacine as a therapeutic agent to address stress-related pathophysiology in cocaine dependent individuals. Advances in Pharmacology, 69, 217-265. doi: 10.1016/B978-0-12-420118-7.00006-8
4. Paulsen, S. (2017). When there are no words: Repairing early trauma and neglect from the attachment period with EMDR therapy. Bainbridge Island, WA: A Bainbridge Institute for Integrative Psychology Publication.
5. Schneiderman, N., Ironson, G., & Siegel, S. D. (2005). Stress and health: Psychological, behavioral, and biological determinants. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 1, 607-628. doi: 10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.1.102803.144141

In the safety of therapy, clients are able to open up about their sexual experiences. This all too often reveals shame lurking beneath the surface. For some people, it’s close to the surface, and for others, it’s buried deep within them.

Shame flourishes when it’s kept in the dark. But shame tends to diminish when it is brought into the open and met with love and compassion. I’m writing this article to highlight some of the common ways shame operates in regards to sexuality. Hopefully, you may learn some ways to leave it behind.

5 Ways Shame Impacts Sex

Internalized Problems

One marker of shame is that problems are experienced as integral to the person rather than as a natural result of situational factors that can be explained and addressed:

Chantelle looked down as she spoke. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get aroused anymore, and I barely feel pleasure from sex. I used to really enjoy sex.”

Once we began to unpack her problem and rule out any medical issues, it became clear that there were several very good reasons why Chantelle had low desire and arousal—she felt exhausted from lack of sleep and stress, and she often felt she was running on empty due to having very little time to herself.

Reframing Chantelle’s lack of sexual desire and arousal as a natural response to situational factors in her life rather than something inherently wrong with her was key in helping her let go of the shame and self-blame. Chantelle was then able to address the various factors that were making it difficult for her to enjoy sex. We found creative ways for Chantelle to prioritize her needs for sleep and self-care, which created more energy for her to reconnect with herself and her partner sexually.

Disgust

Disgust and queasiness are signs there is shame lurking within oneself. When babies are born, they have no shame about their bodies. Babies will naturally begin to explore their body, and genitals, with no judgment. It is parents and adults who attach shame to that experience.

It is natural and healthy to explore one’s body, starting in childhood and through all stages of life. It is also natural to experience sexual desire and to act on that desire, when done in a safe and consensual way. If you feel disgust about your body or sexuality, it may mean you are carrying shame or judgments that don’t belong to you.

Many clients I see have some memory of being shamed as a child for exploring their body or playing “doctor” with other children. Other clients have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse as a child or an adult. Sexual abuse or harassment is never the victim’s fault. Please know there is help if you or someone you know has experienced this. In all cases of sexual shame and disgust, please seek help and guidance. Having sexual challenges or problems does not mean you or your body are disgusting or wrong.

Inhibited Desire and Arousal

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Michael Bader writes in his book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies about certain mood states that are incompatible with arousal: anxiety, guilt, and shame. To circumvent these barriers, the subconscious may invent fantasies to remove the source of the anxiety, guilt, or shame to free the person up to experience arousal.

For instance, a shame-bound person may have a sexual fantasy of being shamed or humiliated, which sexualizes the very thing that is blocking their arousal. In many other cases, a person with shame about their body or sexuality will continue to live with a repressed sexuality, unable to overcome their mental blocks or to experience their full sexual expression.

Secrecy and Psychological Splitting

Being overwhelmed with sexual guilt and shame causes people to hide sexual desires or behaviors because they perceive them as bad or unworthy. Hiding and secrecy impede a person’s relationship with others and create isolation. This exacerbates the problem of shame for the person and often disrupts their relationships with their family, friends, and community.

Sexual shame also causes psychological splitting, which happens when a person “splits off” a part of themselves that is deemed to be unacceptable. The disowned part of themselves continues to exist, but only in secret, where it often becomes distorted and intertwined with shame.

Splitting and secrecy cause many problems, including internal disconnect, relational disconnect and conflict, depression, dishonesty, infidelity, and others. Clients with this issue are able to work towards integration of their disowned parts in therapy, which can help reduce the shame.

Communication Breakdown

Couples who have sexual problems accompanied by shame often lash out at each other or shut down during conversations about their issues. The conversation usually starts with an effort to make sense of the problem and try to find a solution. But the conversation becomes frustrating quickly when there is shame involved.

A person with shame is more likely to want to deflect away from their own role in the issue, which can lead to inadvertently blaming the other person rather than owning their part. In other cases, one or both parties are so embarrassed and ashamed that they shut down, and the conversation ends in tears or shutting the other person out:

Alexandra and Neil haven’t had regular sex in years. After what they felt was a debacle on their wedding night, they slowly sank into a cycle of shame and blame. She felt embarrassed at her lack of experience and felt it was her fault the sex was awkward and painful. He felt he had failed in his role as a husband because he couldn’t please his wife. After 2 years of trying and arguing, Alexandra and Neil stopped bringing it up altogether. Now in therapy 10 years later, they have many layers of guilt and shame to process in order to heal and repair their relationship.

Sex-Related Shame: What to Do About It

Remember that many people experience shame about their sexuality and are able to heal from it. If this applies to you, consider engaging the help of a mentor or therapist and use resources such as the books listed below.

Consider meditating on the following phrases:

• “My sexuality is part of who I am.”
• “Sex is good.”
• “I can take responsibility for my sexual desires in a healthy way.”

A therapist can help you work on identifying any sex-negative or shame-based beliefs, exploring where they came from, and reframing them into something that is more positive and affirming of your sexuality. Through this process, you may also work on healing any underlying wounds. Find an understanding therapist here.

Make sure to consult a physician to rule out any physical contributors to your sexual functioning.

Sex-Positive Books on Sexuality

• Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
• For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Jennifer Berman, MD and Laura Berman, PhD
• Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson, PhD
• Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It by Marty Klein
• Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Healthy Couple Sexuality by Barry McCarthy
• Sexual Shame: An Urgent Call to Healing by Karen McClintock

Books for Survivors of Sexual Trauma and Those Who Love Them

• The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis

The internet has put everything at our fingertips, both figuratively and literally speaking. With the click of a button, you can get something delivered to your home in hours, connect with people on the other side of the world, and get information on anything and everything you can think of. But with these advantages comes responsibility.

Access to technology can feel crucial. You use it to complete work, stay connected with your friends, and keep up-to-date on the latest and greatest. Technology can be really beneficial for these purposes. But if you are not careful, technology can switch from being your best friend to your worst enemy. Whether this happens, believe it or not, is often within your control.

These dos and don’ts are here to help you remember to maintain a healthy relationship with technology.

Don’t: Say anything online you wouldn’t say in person.
Do: Think before you post.

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Communicating online can give anyone a false sense of confidence, anonymity, and protection. It is easy to forget that what we do and say online can be saved and shared with anyone and often has very real consequences in your personal life and relationships. Instead of responding to things in a reactive way, stop and think before you post. Count to three or take a break from your device and think about any potential consequences before hitting send.

Don’t: Share your passwords with anyone.
Do: Practice good tech security.

When you’re friends with someone, it can be hard or impossible to imagine you will ever stop being friends or that they would do something to hurt you. But sometimes friends have a falling out; people can surprise us or make mistakes. Sharing passwords, even with your best friend, can increase the risk of someone accessing your private information or impersonating you with the intent of causing you harm. There is rarely a good reason for someone else to have your login information, so keep it private.

Don’t: Believe everything you read or see.
Do: View information through a realistic lens.

It may feel like technology use is connecting you with others, but this is nothing compared to connection and engagement with people and the world around you.

Think about what you post online. Are you posting pictures of yourself when you first wake up—hair all over, no makeup, and wearing pajamas? Are you sharing information about embarrassing moments, bad choices, or your own vulnerabilities? Probably not. People are very careful about creating their online personas. That Instagram picture of your friend with the “perfect body” smiling at the beach may have taken ten tries to get the most flattering shot. The post about your friend’s awesome weekend is probably 80% truth and 20% fluff.

It can be easy to think everyone you follow online is happy, has the best body, or lives the most exciting life. But technology can be deceiving, and people have the power to display only their good parts. Remember to take everything you read with a grain of salt and maintain a healthy perspective about what you see online.

Don’t: Use online resources as your only information source.
Do: Reach out to adults or professionals when you need help or have questions.

The beauty of the internet is that you can find information about nearly anything. The downside is that not all of that information is helpful or accurate. Using the internet as your sole source of information can lead to some unhealthy choices. If you are concerned, have questions, or are unsure of something, ask a trusted adult or professional for help.

Don’t: Go down the technology rabbit hole.
Do: Make conscious choices about how much time you spend on your devices and remember to invest in face-to-face relationships.

Think about how much time you spend on your devices, including your phone, tablet, computer, and video game console. Chances are, you spend much of your time on some device. Take a moment to think about how this use impacts your life. How many moments have you wasted because you were browsing Instagram stories? What fun activities have you missed because you opted to spend your time on Snapchat or YouTube? How many relationships have you neglected because of the amount of time spent playing video games?

It may feel like technology use is connecting you with others, but this is nothing compared to connection and engagement with people and the world around you. Be conscious of the time you spend online. Make an effort to put down your device when around family or friends. Look up from your phone and take in the world. You might be amazed at what you find and the experiences you may have.

Take inventory of your relationship with technology. If you realize you have developed an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship, don’t wait to make a change. Start making smart tech choices today! Reach out to a compassionate therapist or counselor if you are having difficulty disconnecting from technology.

“I spent so many years walking on eggshells … never doing or saying the right thing. One day I decided I’d had enough and stomped all over them. Those broken eggshells cut me deeply as I walked away … but this … was the most beautiful pain I had ever felt.” —S. L. Heaton

In my marriage counseling practice, I find that many people in intimate relationships walk on eggshells. Extremely cautious about their words and actions, they may be fearful of being “wrong” or upsetting their partners. Often, they are concerned they will be seen as incompetent, inadequate, unattractive, or as having another negative trait that could cause them to feel unwanted of be rejected.

When you receive the judgment, criticism, or anger of another, the impact may be felt in two ways. The initial assault takes the form of words or actions; the second impact has a cumulative effect. It occurs when a memory of anger or disapproval is stored, emotionally and physically, in your mind. This second impact can cause far more damage in the long run, leading to a loss self-confidence and identity. It’s similar to secondhand smoke—you may not be aware of its effects until it reaches a certain level of accumulation. [fat_widget_right]

If you frequently find yourself the recipient of someone else’s anger or feel you are walking on eggshells, the long-term effects can be just as detrimental. It’s wise to limit such exposure and protect yourself from this residual anger as best you can.

The Effects of Secondhand Anger

Unchecked anger can lead to resentment and dramatically impact your well-being and self-worth. Resentment exceeds momentary episodes of anger that come and go and extends into the past. In advanced stages, it even bleeds into the future and keeps you stuck in a devalued state. You may constantly feel you’re being unappreciated, disrespected, and treated unfairly.

When living with an angry or abusive partner, it is not only the nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism, or other demeaning behavior that can cause emotional damage. Attempts to prevent and de-escalate those often painful episodes can also harm one’s emotional well-being. By constantly trying to keep the peace or maintain the impression of a pleasant connection, people often become tethered to a person who controls them through emotions and impulsive needs.

Signs You Are Walking on Eggshells

The daily lives of many are defined by their partner’s moods. This can be an exhausting and draining existence, but it is possible to change. The first step in this change is to identify whether you are in this situation.

Here are few signs you are walking on eggshells. You might:

• Be afraid of upsetting your partner
• Feel ignored, criticized, confused, invalidated, or “stuck”
• Second-guess yourself
• Feel your partner does not trust you
• Correct your thoughts before you speak
• Be unsure about what might set your partner off
• See your relationship as a roller coaster of unpredictable emotions
• Feel tense when with your partner
• Feel that nothing you do is good enough
• Fear a punishing response from your partner
• Resent your partner
• Feel as if you have lost your core identity
• Have less self-esteem and confidence

Walking on eggshells over an extended period of time can cause you to lose your authenticity and sense of self. You may internalize your partner’s blame, criticism, anger, and even abusive behaviors, or you may absorb them and become resentful and aggressive yourself. Neither of these cases are conducive to a healthy state of mind.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you. If you realize you are responsible for how you feel, you may be able to respond calmly and confidently when someone attempts to put you down. No matter how strong the trigger or challenge might be, you can become less receptive to someone else’s insensitivity or unkindness.

Developing the resilience to stand up to someone who is provoking or ridiculing you can lessen their impact and power over you. You may no longer need to depend upon them for validation and feel fewer urges to lash out angrily. Instead, you will be able to keep your cool and maintain your power. Your new sense of self may become virtually indestructible.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells in your relationships with others, contact a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help.

“Don’t you walk away when I’m talking to you!”

“But Mom!”

“Don’t ‘but Mom’ me. I’m not finished here!”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“You’re losing your phone for a week for being so disrespectful.”

Bedroom door slams.

“Make that two, you ungrateful little brat!”

Maybe things aren’t this bad in your home. Maybe they are worse.

The adolescent years are difficult for many families. To make things more complicated, puberty begins earlier and children leave home permanently later than in any previous generation. This means parents may spend more time navigating changes and challenges that arise as their children become adults. [fat_widget_right]

Developmental stages are determined by internal biological clocks. The age at which a child learns to walk, begins talking, understands object permanence, understands that death is permanent, or develops romantic attractions is determined mostly by biology, not parenting. It is often easier for a parent not to personalize their 4-year-old repeatedly asking “why?” than it is not to take the individuation attempts of a teen personally. On top of stress that may occur as teenagers find their independence, parents are often exhausted from work, household responsibilities, parenting obligations, and extended family needs.

Burnout and Parents of Teenagers

Many households are run by single parents or have a disabled parent in the home. Trying to squeeze in a little self-care, exercise, and time with friends may seem nearly impossible when it’s needed most.

I invite parents who seek counseling with me to first consider if heated exchanges at home are, in part, a signal they are burned out. When parents are sleep-deprived, experiencing relationship issues, or neglecting activities that recharge their emotional batteries, it is often apparent in the tone they set for the household.

Why Is Your Teenager Disrespectful?

Adolescent anger or angst is not a parent’s fault. In fact, outward expressions of anger may be a sign of adolescent depression. If this is a concern, calmly take your teen to a licensed counselor or to their physician to be evaluated. Most tension between parents and adolescents is a normal part of individuation. Remember, it is up to the adult, not the adolescent, to stop the back-and-forth.

Adolescents do not have the insight, power, or privileges adults do. They can’t sign legal documents or stay out past curfew, and they depend on their parents for finances, health care, extracurricular activities, vacations, clothes—nearly everything. A teenager’s dependency is often at odds with their strong emotional desire for independence. This battle rages within the teen and more often than not, spills over onto those closest to them.

Handling Disrespectful Behavior: Be the Example

Respecting a teen’s feelings is not the same as giving them everything they want. Validating that an adolescent has the right to hope and dream for anything without caving in to their demands can build mutual respect and foster dignity. In households where parents are confident in the parameters they set, the teen can express their frustration, agitation, even anger, and the parent does not take their emotions personally.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent.

Adolescent moods can change moment to moment. Parents who focus primarily on making a teen happy tend to defend themselves, try to get the teen to see things their way, and shame the teen if they express uncomfortable emotions about the parent’s decision. When parents are clear they are responsible for their own emotions and don’t blame others (including their children) for how they feel, it’s easier for a teen to understand they are also responsible for their own feelings.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent. These are often employed by the teen in less sophisticated or polite ways.

6 Tips for Parents with Disrespectful Teens

What is the alternative for parents? Those with disrespectful teens may find the following tips helpful.

1. Model respect.

Set up expectations ahead of time. Write them down. Be consistent and don’t change your mind at the last minute. If you feel resentful about a privilege you are giving, set up a predictable reward system and have your adolescent earn that privilege. Doing so may make it easier not to hold privileges over their head when you feel taken for granted.

2. Don’t get sucked into arguments about facts or perceived facts.

Your teen has much more time and energy than you do to collect good argument data. Remember that you have the right to set a boundary just because you’re comfortable with it.

If you are clear with yourself about what you will contribute (phone, computer, driving to a friend’s house, money, shopping, entertainment, etc.), you may spend less time in conversations defending yourself and your decisions. You might also have more energy to validate your teen’s feelings. Use phrases such as, “I can see you are disappointed,” “It’s okay to be upset,” and “It looks like you’re frustrated.” Don’t try to show your teen a different way to look at the situation. They may interpret this as an attempt to change how they feel or think that you believe how they feel is wrong.

3. Practice active listening.

Demonstrate you are really listening and that you have compassion for their frustration. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are experimenting with ways to cope with strong emotions. The more methods for handling strong feelings you demonstrate, the more ideas they may have to choose from.

4. Take time for yourself.

Spend time with quality friends, exercise, pursue a creative outlet, listen to music, dance, laugh, write, plan outings, eat healthy foods, learn something new, organize your surroundings, go to therapy, garden, or volunteer where you feel appreciated. Show your adolescent that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and peace of mind.

5. Be sure to laugh.

Lead conversations with humor. Don’t take every conversation so seriously. Laughter lightens up a household, but sarcasm or belittling humor do not.

6. Give compliments.

So many seemingly bad behaviors in teenagers stem from a desire to be addressed. Be sure you are giving at least five compliments for every one directive, which is telling your teen what to do or how to change. Finding things to compliment may be hard to do in a defiant adolescent. Push yourself a bit. The more you model that you admire your child, the more they may see what respect looks like.

If you continue to feel frustrated with the arguments and attitudes in your home, consider family therapy. The sooner a family seeks treatment, the easier it can be to begin moving toward a harmonious, respectful household.

With some focused effort, the opening conversation in this article can sound more like:

“I can see you’re done talking about this. I’ll send you a text with the rest of what I want to say.”

“But Mom…!”

“It’s okay, I’ll text you. It’s a good strategy to spend some quiet time alone.”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“We’ll talk later.”

Bedroom door slams.

“I know this is hard. Hang in there, we’ll get through this. I love you.”

Reference:
Sawyer, M. S., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2017, January 17). The age of adolescence. The Lancet: Child and Adolescent Health, 3(2), 223-228. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

The word “perfectionist” may bring to mind someone who is the picture of tidy. Or it might inspire the thought of a bookshelf, alphabetized and organized by genre.

Perfectionism is simply the need to be (or appear) perfect. Different forms of perfectionism can have both positive and negative effects. People who are motivated by setting lofty goals may excel in academia or their workplace. But the harmful aspects of perfectionism can lead to depression, low self-esteem, or overwhelm.

When perfectionism becomes overbearing or overwhelming, it can lead to burnout. Burnout is complete mental and physical exhaustion. It often occurs after a prolonged period of stress. Striving for perfection can be highly stressful, and it can trigger burnout.

When Hard Work and High Goals Cause Burnout

There is nothing wrong with setting goals or having high expectations. But there are a few signs you may be heading into negative, or self-critical, perfectionism. These can include but are not limited to:

• Difficulty making decisions because “None of the options seem right”
• Excessive list-making [fat_widget_right]
• Giving up early or avoiding situations with higher risk of failure
• Procrastination
• Repeated checking: in the mirror, for errors in work, or your watch
• Hoarding
• Slowness in speech or reading grounded in the need to ensure nothing is missed or messed up

Stress caused by the self-critical behaviors of perfectionism can lead to burnout. You could be experiencing burnout if you feel:

• Emotionally blunted or numb
• Constantly overwhelmed
• That your daily tasks are pointless
• Underappreciated
• Depleted of motivation
• Hopeless or helpless
• Tired or fatigued most of the time

Why Does Perfectionism Trigger Burnout?

Perfectionism can cause a constant amount of stress in both work and home life. Living in a cycle of stress with no relief may allow a sense of helplessness or despair to take root. Neverending stress can sap motivation and make it seem like there is not point in trying.

By setting impossible to meet standards—perfection—a person cannot accomplish what they expect of themselves. They will never reach this goal, because perfection does not exist. Even if perfection was achieved at a certain point, standards for what is perfect may change over time. For people with harmful perfectionistic tendencies, this thinking can further contribute to a loss purpose and meaning.

Self-critical perfectionism often comes with negative self-talk. Thoughts such as “What is wrong with me?” and “At this rate, I may as well give up” may often run through the mind of someone with perfectionism. A steady flow of harsh inner dialogue can cause emotional exhaustion.

Are Some People Prone to Burnout?

One specific group is not more or less prone to burnout than another. But certain characteristics or mental health issues may make burnout more likely.

For example, people with social anxiety may be more prone to perfectionism. Both conditions can cause fear of being judged by others. The relationship between social anxiety and self-critical perfectionism indicates people with social anxiety may be more likely to burn out.

People with high-stress jobs and professional athletes may also be more susceptible to burnout. Perfectionism in the workplace or on the playing field can make self-compassion or acceptance of failure feel impossible. This may cause them to work or compete harder than is sustainable for long amounts of time.

Thoughts such as “What is wrong with me?” and “At this rate, I may as well give up” may often run through the mind of a person with perfectionism. A steady flow of harsh inner dialogue can cause emotional exhaustion.

Can Burnout Be Avoided?

Many people experience burnout at some point in life. It is possible to prevent it from happening regularly or for extended periods. Management of perfectionistic tendencies is key in preventing someone from reaching a state of burnout.

To help manage perfectionism, you might:

• Remind yourself to think realistically. Practice repeating “All I can do is my best!” or “Nobody is perfect!” to yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
• Gather perspective. Look at how you fit into the bigger picture. Consider the broader context of a stressful situation.
• Compromise. Decide what level of imperfection or perfection you can handle for the moment. Operate within that framework.
• Speak up. Tell people when you are tired or feeling run down.
• Manage your time. Avoid procrastinating and becoming overwhelmed. Create schedules with tasks you can complete in a certain number of hours.
• Take regular breaks from work or activities. Read, take a nap, play with a pet, or spend time with a good friend. Breathe.

Tips for Handling Perfectionism-Induced Burnout

If perfectionism is not managed, a person may reach a point of burnout. It can be harder to bounce back from a state of burnout than from a point of tiredness before it. Due to this, it is important to prevent burnout, if possible. But knowing how to treat and recover from burnout may be necessary for many with perfectionistic traits.

Burnout recovery includes self-care. A few good strategies might be:

• Socializing. Maintaining positive relationships and spending time with people you feel comfortable around can help reduce stress and overwhelm.
• Finding balance. Leave a chaotic job, or say no to projects that will overload you. Set a hard stopping time for leaving the office or closing your computer each day.
• Nourishing your creativity. Write or journal, make art or music, cook, garden, or dance.
• Taking care of your body. Exercise or stay active, and try to eat whole, healthy foods.
• Seeing a therapist. Talk therapy can help people cope with feelings of depression or pointlessness during burnout. Speaking with a therapist may help people make a plan for moving forward.

A solid self-care plan can help you work toward a faster pace or bigger project load. It is important to practice self-care and know your limits. You may avoid burnout by being realistic in your expectations and communicating needs and feelings of overwhelm with bosses and coworkers. This may mean turning down a new project or giving up some responsibilities to clear your plate.

You can still accomplish goals and do quality work at a pace that won’t burn you out. Burnout and perfectionism can hinder your ability to do your best. Learning to manage them may serve you better in the future. If things become too much for you to handle on your own, a mental health professional can help you learn skills to manage perfectionistic behavior.

References:

1. Benson, E. (2003). The many faces of perfectionism. Monitor on Psychology, 10(34), 18. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov03/manyfaces.aspx
2. Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2015, July 31). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 3(20), 269-288. Doi: 10.1177/1088868315596286
3. Fursland, A., Lim, L., Raykos, B., & Steele, A. (2009). What is perfectionism? Retrieved from http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/1%20What%20is%20%20Perfectionism.pdf
4. How to overcome perfectionism. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
5. Kempke, S., Luvten, P., Claes, S., Goossens, L., Bekaert, P., Van Wambeke, P., & Van Houdenhove, B. (2012, August 30). Self-critical perfectionism and its relationship to fatigue and pain in the daily flow of life in patients with chronic fatigue syndrome. Psychological Medicine, 5(43), 995-1002. doi: 10.1017/S0033291712001936
6. Ruggeri, A. (2018, February 21). The dangerous downsides of perfectionism. BBC. Retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

Many people who experience anxiety or depression know the symptoms of each are not always well-defined. For instance, they can overlap. Commonly overlapping symptoms of anxiety and depression include difficulty concentrating, sleep issues, tiredness, and loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.

It is not always easy to tell which condition is causing symptoms. In many cases, people seem to experience aspects of anxiety and depression. They may not know whether they are dealing with anxiety, depression, or even both. One reason for this confusion is each condition’s ability to mimic the other.

Identifying one main cause of symptoms is not always possible or necessary. But knowing the root causes of your symptoms could help you find the best treatment approach. A deeper understanding of your experience may also help you feel more hopeful about seeking help.

Key Differences Between Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety is a constant feeling of worry. It can occur on its own or be triggered by certain events or factors. Physical signs of anxiety often include shortness of breath and tense muscles. People dealing with anxiety sometimes experience panic attacks, heart palpitations, and dizziness.

Depression is prolonged sadness or loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities. It is characterized by low energy, feelings of low self-worth, and sometimes, suicidal thoughts. [fat_widget_right]

Symptoms that overlap between anxiety and depression often have different origins. For example, anxiety may cause a person to stop doing an activity or withdraw from a social setting. This is often because those things inspire panic. Depression can also cause someone to withdraw in similar ways. In the case of depression, withdrawal may be due to loss of interest in the activity.

Fatigue or loss of energy are other symptoms often linked to depression. But anxiety may also cause a loss of energy, which can stem from a sense of exhaustion. This tiredness is often caused by anxious thought patterns, obsessive thinking, or rumination. In the case of depression, loss of energy may be more likely to occur as a primary symptom.

Both conditions can cause social withdrawal or a change in activity levels. These symptoms can have vastly different causes. Different approaches may be necessary to address these causes.

Signs Anxiety May Be the Cause

If you identify with most of these symptoms, you may be experiencing anxiety:

• Cold, sweaty, numb, or tingling hands or feet
• Shortness of breath
• Heart palpitations
• Racing thoughts
• Dry mouth
• Nausea
• Dizziness

Being diagnosed with a specific anxiety disorder may also mean anxiety is a root cause. For instance, someone who experiences panic attacks or social anxiety may still have symptoms of depression. These may cause someone to withdraw from life, relationships, or social settings. This behavior can trigger feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, which may mimic depression.

Anxiety may also be a more likely cause if:

• You have a family history of anxiety
• You experienced shyness as a child
• You have experienced these symptoms from a young age

People diagnosed with depression may experience feelings of anxiety. The term for this is “anxious distress.” It is characterized by feelings of tension, restlessness, and difficulty focusing. The sense of hopelessness that can come with depression may cause worry about the future. Those who experience depression and anxious distress may be at a higher risk for suicidal thoughts. It is important to seek treatment in these cases.

Signs Depression May Be the Cause

Depression is categorized as major depressive disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). One key sign of depression is major depressive episodes. When these occur, symptoms of depression may become severe enough to limit daily functioning. Some other primary signs of depression are:

• Feelings of intense sadness
• Oversleeping
• Fatigue or feelings of being “weighed down”
• Feelings of hopelessness or guilt
• Slowed thought processes
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Some types of depression are easier to identify as such. For example, depression caused by a certain life event may be easy to identify. Postpartum depression, which occurs after childbirth, or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), include symptoms of depression that have distinct triggers.

People who mainly experience anxiety may also be diagnosed with one of these depressive conditions. In these cases, the conditions would be seen as co-occurring, or comorbid. This term is used when two separate conditions are both present.

The experience of swinging to and fro between anxiety and depression can be a frustrating one. It may feel like a negative cycle in which balance is much needed but difficult to attain.

Depression may also be a more likely cause if:

• It runs in your family
• You recently experienced a traumatic loss

If a person is only diagnosed with anxiety, they may still show signs of depression. People with anxiety may expend much of their energy toward worry. These thoughts can leave people with little energy for performing daily tasks or hobbies. When anxiety causes overwhelm or burnout, it may start to look like depression.

The experience of swinging to and fro between anxiety and depression can be a frustrating one. It may feel like a negative cycle in which balance is much needed but difficult to attain.

Do I Have Both Anxiety and Depression?

It can be difficult to tell if you have both anxiety and depression or if symptoms of one just look like the other. In one study, 72% of people with generalized anxiety had a history of depression. Meanwhile, only 48% of people with depression had a history of anxiety. But research indicates comorbid anxiety and depression may be more common than originally thought.

The study also points out that comorbidity can be cumulative. This means a person may experience anxiety and depression at different life stages. Some experts suggest that anxiety at a young age may increase the likelihood of experiencing depression in the future. But depression may also precede anxiety.

When You Are Confused About Your Symptoms

Questions or concerns about depression and anxiety should be directed to a trusted mental health professional. Therapists are often trained to identify the root causes of issues. Discussing your symptoms in therapy may help you discover the source of the issue that prompted you to seek help. Once you and the therapist identify the issue, you can learn how to overcome or manage it.

Talk therapy can be helpful in identifying the cause of certain symptoms. A trained therapist can help unravel your symptoms and see what may be causing them. Whether you experience anxiety, depression, or both, your therapist can help create a plan for addressing those conditions long-term. This may mean more therapy sessions, a support group, psychoeducation, or medication and treatment with a psychiatrist in conjunction with therapy.

Regardless of what next steps you take, it is important to remember that people experience anxiety and depression differently. It’s not always necessary to know every cause of a mental health issue to treat it. But labeling or identifying an issue, especially a root problem, may help reduce feelings of worry or uncertainty in some people. Remember that you are never alone. Any help and guidance for improving your mental health may only be one question to a trusted therapist away.

References:

1. Ankrom, S. (2018, February 15). Depression and anxiety. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/depression-and-anxiety-2584202
2. Anxiety disorders: Risk factors. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml#part_145335
3. Davis, J. (n.d.). Is it really depression? Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/features/is-really-depression#1
4. Moffitt, T. E., Harrington, H., Caspi, A., et al. (2007). Depression and generalized anxiety disorder cumulative and sequential comorbidity in a birth cohort followed prospectively to age 32 years. Arch Gen Psychiatry, 6(64), 651-660. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.64.6.651
5. Smith, K. (2018, February 13). Anxiety vs. depression: How to tell the difference. Retrieved from https://www.psycom.net/anxiety-depression-difference
6. Stressed or depressed? Know the difference. (n.d.). Mental Health America. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/stressed-or-depressed-know-difference
7. Wilcox, M. A., Kent, J., Canuso, C., & Wittenberg, G. (n.d.). The DSM-5 MDD anxious distress specifier: A useful predictor of risk: Suicide, comorbidities, disability, and treatments? Retrieved from https://isctm.org/public_access/Autumn2015/Poster/Abstracts/1-Wilcox.pdf

Many aspects of a person’s life can influence their parenting style. The way an adult was parented, as well as parenting books and other guides, are a few factors. A parent’s unique fears and hopes for their child are another major influence. Cultural factors, such as gender roles, the community in which the family lives, religion, politics, socioeconomic status, and ethnic norms also play a role.

When parenting styles clash, children get inconsistent messages from their parents. This can cause confusion in children about how to act and what to expect in response to their behavior. Differences in parenting style may also increase conflict in a relationship. Parenting can be difficult and time-consuming even when parents agree. When they don’t, parenting approaches can be a source of near-constant bickering.

It is possible for parents to get along and send a consistent message to children even when their styles conflict. In fact, different parenting styles can even complement one another.

The Four Parenting Styles

Parenting style has two main components. One is the degree of control a parent attempts to exert over the child. The other is the amount of warmth and affection a parent shows. [fat_widget_right]

Researchers often divide parenting style into four categories. Those types, and how each might handle a child having a tantrum, follow:

• Authoritarian. These parents are strict and exert high levels of control over their kids. They may show little warmth. An authoritarian parent might respond to a child having a tantrum with punishment or yelling. They would not likely wish to understand why the child had the tantrum or address the child’s feelings about it.
• Authoritative. Authoritative parents are relatively strict and enforce the rules they make. They also display affection for their kids. An authoritative parent might respond to a tantrum by setting clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable. They may then remove the child from the situation that triggered the tantrum. Authoritative parents are more likely to discuss why the child had the tantrum and to be concerned about a child’s intense emotions.
• Permissive. These parents show plenty of love and affection but enforce few boundaries. A permissive parent might not respond to a tantrum at all. Alternatively, they might respond by giving the child a gift or otherwise appeasing them.
• Uninvolved or neglectful. Neglectful parents don’t enforce clear rules. They may display little or no interest in the child. An uninvolved parent might not notice a tantrum or be somewhere else when a tantrum occurs.

Most research shows authoritative parenting is the most effective parenting style. Authoritative parenting blends respect for the child with attention to social norms.

Authoritarian parenting, by contrast, may produce children who are too obedient. These children may need to be told what to do often once they are adults. Some research links authoritarian parenting with an increased risk of problem behavior. One such behavior is substance abuse.

Permissive parents may support good self-esteem. But the lack of boundaries may also increase the risk of problem behavior. Children who are not highly self-motivated may struggle in school. Parents who try to appease children who show bad behavior may also encourage future misbehavior.

Neglectful parenting can be harmful. It may produce children who have little support and a weak understanding of social norms. They may struggle to know how to behave, learn, or interact with others.

Parenting style may shift and change. Parents who know their current style can incorporate qualities that lend balance to their approach. For example, a parent who realizes they are uninvolved may focus on learning how to be more engaged in their child’s life.

How Conflicting Parenting Styles Can Affect a Relationship

Any difference in parenting style can lead to conflict. Even two parents who share a similar style may argue. For instance, two authoritative parents may agree on the importance of rules and affection. But they may disagree about what this means. Are time-outs acceptable? At what points should a child be rewarded or punished? Which behaviors are forbidden?

Significant differences in parenting style can be even more challenging. Some common clashes include:

Disagreements can make it difficult to present a united front. They may even lead to problem behavior in children.

• Authoritarian vs. Authoritative. These parents may disagree about how much affection to give. They may argue over whether to punish a child, when, and how severe the punishment should be. These parents may also disagree about whether to give rewards for good behavior.
• Authoritative vs. Permissive. Permissive and authoritative parents may agree about the need for love and affection. But they may have strong disagreements about which rules to enforce and how to enforce them.
• Permissive vs. Uninvolved. Permissive parents want to give their children a lot of love. Uninvolved parents may want few or no substantive interactions with their children. This may cause the permissive parent to feel overwhelmed by the amount of care they must provide.
• Authoritarian vs. Permissive. Authoritarian and permissive parents may disagree over when and whether to punish children. Permissive parents might even view authoritarian parents as abusive. Meanwhile, authoritarian parents may see permissive parents as neglectful.
• Authoritative vs. Uninvolved. Authoritative parenting is high-effort parenting. It offers significant guidance and much affection. Uninvolved parents may prefer to stay on the sidelines. Parents who differ in this way could encounter ongoing conflicts.

Differences in parenting style are just one point of conflict for parents. Cultural values, beliefs about social norms, or political views may lead to major parenting disagreements. For instance, some parents see spanking as a form of abuse. Others see it as necessary discipline.

Tips for Getting Along When Parenting Styles Differ

Parenting can be exhausting and emotionally intense work. Some people derive much of their self-image from their role as parents or from their child’s behavior. When parents disagree, they may feel angry or misunderstood. Arguments can make it difficult to present a united front. They may even lead to problem behavior in children. A few strategies may help:

• Explore how your parenting styles complement each other. For instance, a permissive parent may help an authoritarian parent be more affectionate. Meanwhile, an authoritarian parent may support a permissive parent in setting boundaries.
• Develop a set of family rules on which everyone can agree. These include rules for the children as well as rules about how to discipline them. Two parents might agree that spanking is never acceptable. They may decide children must lose privileges or face another penalty if they hit others.
• Don’t undermine one another. Parents must present a united front. Unless a child is in danger—such as from a parent who is berating or injuring them—it is best to discuss conflicts later. Support your partner’s parenting decisions even when they are not ones you would have made.
• Learn about parenting together. Read parenting books and discuss them, or join a parenting support group. Select parenting experts you both trust.

When other strategies don’t work, family counseling can help. It may allow family members to better understand each other. It can also help with challenging child behavior. In addition, parents may benefit from couples therapy. This can teach couples what underlies their parenting style clashes and how to bridge the gap.

References:

1. Garey, J. (2016, October 20). Conflicts over parenting styles. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/conflicts-over-parenting-styles
2. Hadfield, J. (2016, May 26). Teens and alcohol study: Parenting style can prevent binge drinking. Retrieved from https://news.byu.edu/news/teens-and-alcohol-study-parenting-style-can-prevent-binge-drinking
3. Joseph, M. V., & John, J. (n.d.). Impact of parenting styles on child development. Global Academic Society Journal: Social Science Insight, 1(5). Retrieved from http://scholararticles.net/impact-of-parenting-styles-on-child-development
4. Parenting in America. (2015, December 17). Retrieved from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/parenting-in-america

Social anxiety causes feelings of panic or fear during interactions with people. It can occur only in certain situations or nearly all of the time. For adults, it often means avoiding other people, groups, or large crowds. But social anxiety can show up much earlier in life. In infants and toddlers, social anxiety will look much different that it does in adults.

Where Does Social Anxiety Come From?

It can be hard to pinpoint what causes social anxiety in infants and young children. One study found infants could learn socially anxious behavior from their mothers. A mother with social anxiety may display those behaviors to a child through interactions with strangers. The study indicated these nonverbal cues could teach the child that strangers are a source of anxiety.

Genetics also affect whether a child will have social anxiety. Genes help determine an infant’s disposition, or personality. Research shows certain genetic traits can increase risk for anxiety and situational phobias. Some of these traits may include inhibition and fear of being judged. Fear in low-threat situations could also help predict social anxiety.

Home life and environment can exacerbate risk factors. Trauma could trigger social anxiety at a young age. Addressing these issues with children early may pave the way for good mental health in the future. In addition, the severity of a child’s social anxiety can vary. Some children grow out of it as they develop, while others internalize the anxiety when they are older. [fat_widget_right]

Signs of Social Anxiety in Infants and Toddlers

Social anxiety may look similar to shyness, separation anxiety, or autism. There is no set age when symptoms start to appear. It is common to notice social anxiety in preschool or other social settings. However, parents may notice signs that could predict social anxiety in children from the time they are newborns.

Signs of social anxiety in infants may include:

• Fear of or disinterest in new things
• Difficulty calming down
• Strong reactions to small changes
• Being upset by new noises or people
• Seeming overly sensitive to mild discomfort

These behaviors can be stressful for parents. Infants cannot communicate clearly what is causing them distress. Parents may worry their child is in pain or that they have done something wrong.

As infants grow into toddlers, their social anxiety may appear in other ways. It may be easier to understand what is causing a toddler stress. But knowing how to deal with a socially anxious toddler can still be challenging.

Signs of social anxiety in toddlers may include:

• Fears and phobias
• Refusal to give up routines
• Noise or tactile sensitivity
• Dislike for getting dirty
• Lengthy rituals
• Picky eating
• Following parents constantly
• Shyness or distrust of strangers
• Sleep problems

Parents of a socially anxious toddler may worry they are raising a “difficult” child. This causes some parents to punish their child for anxious behavior. Punishing a child for signs of social anxiety can have the opposite effect of what is intended. Toddlers who are punished for anxiety-rooted behavior may “close off” from parents. One study showed that harsh parenting may cause an already fearful toddler to become even more anxious. It also led to lowered neural processing ability in preschool.

A therapist can help address behavior issues that stem from social anxiety. They can show parents how to work with the behavior constructively.

How Are Separation Anxiety and Social Anxiety Related?

Reading books or watching movies that depict confident young children can give watching toddlers a hero to mimic.

Separation anxiety can be normal in young children. They may cry or become worried when a parent drops them off or leaves the room. But separation anxiety may be soothed in the short term. Some parents use entertaining distractions to help kids settle into social situations.

But for toddlers with social anxiety, distractions may not improve the situation. Social anxiety can cause children to worry about being around others as well as separation from parents.

Social anxiety can stem from separation anxiety, or both may occur together. Toddlers with social anxiety may seem afraid to participate in group activities or play with peers. If they also have separation anxiety, it may be difficult to calm them after a parent leaves. This can make preschool or daycare a stressful event.

Tips for Parents of Socially Anxious Infants and Toddlers

If an infant shows signs of social anxiety, it can help to model calm, self-soothing behavior. Modeling healthy reactions in social settings can help teach young children these behaviors. In addition, giving toddlers a chance to practice before new situations may help them feel more confident. For example, a parent might invite them to practice show-and-tell before the big day. Reading books or watching movies that depict confident young children can give watching toddlers a hero to mimic.

Instead of feeding into fearful behaviors, it can be more helpful when parents give enthusiastic praise when toddlers try something new. Explaining a child’s anxiety to any caregivers, teachers, and other parents will help them understand their behavior. This can help inform how they act around the child. Caregivers can help by fostering positive interactions. This can reinforce the idea that others do not have to be a source of anxiety.

Medication and Socially Anxious Infants and Toddlers

It is considered best practice to not give medication to children under the age of 5, except in extreme cases. Social anxiety does not typically warrant medication at this age. Young children are sensitive to the effects of medication. Medicating too early may cause unwanted side effects. If the anxiety persists when the child is older, consult a professional about the next step for treatment.

How Therapy Can Help Infants and Toddlers with Social Anxiety

It may be too soon to tell if an infant or toddler has social anxiety. A therapist can help parents or caregivers address behaviors that indicate a child’s discomfort in social settings. Some therapists specialize in mental health issues in young children. They may give an assessment that more clearly reveals where the child is struggling.

Seeing a family therapist together can be helpful for parents. It can give them guidance for any difficulties they have in helping their child. Seeing parents talk calmly with a therapist can help children with social anxiety understand the social setting is safe for them. A therapist may also be able to identify root causes of a child’s social anxiety.

Children grow and change over time. Understanding that it is always okay to ask for help is a lesson they are likely to take with them through the rest of their life.

References:

1. A guide for community child serving agencies on psychotropic medications for children and adolescents. (2012). American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Retrived from https://www.aacap.org/App_Themes/AACAP/docs/press/guide_for_community_child_serving_agencies_on_psychotropic_medications_for_children_and_adolescents_2012.pdf
2. Brooker, R. J., & Buss, K. A. (2014). Harsh parenting and fearfulness in toddlerhood interact to predict amplitudes of preschool error-related negativity. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 9, 148-159. doi: 10.1016/j.dcn.2014.03.001
3. Buss, K. A. (2011). Which fearful toddlers should we worry about? Context, fear regulation, and anxiety risk. Developmental Pscyhololgy, 3(47), 804-819. Doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023227
4. Cuncic, A. (2018, February 16). How to cope as a parent of a preschooler with social anxiety. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/preschool-child-with-social-anxiety-3024286
5. de Rosnay, M., Cooper, P. J., Tsigaras, N., & Murray, L., (2006). Transmission of social anxiety from mother to infant: An experimental study using a social referencing paradigm. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 8(44), 1165-1175. Doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.09.003
6. Kendler, K. S., Prescott, C. A., & Meyers, J. (2003, January 9). The structure of genetic and environmental risk factors for common psychiatric and substance use disorders in men and women. Arch Gen Psychiatry, 9(60), 929-931. doi: 10.1001/archpsyc.60.9.929
7. Rogers, C. E., Sylvester, C. M., Mintz, C., Kenley, J. K., Shimony, J. S., Barch, D. M., & Smyser, C. D. (2017). Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2(56), 157-166. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2016.11.005
8. Schwartz, C. E., Wright, C. I., Shin, L. M., Kagan, J., & Rauch, S. L. (2003, June 20). Inhibited and uninhibited infants “grown up”: Adult amygdalar response to novelty. Science, 5627(300), 1952-1953. doi: https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1083703
9. Social anxiety: Risk factors. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://childmind.org/guide/social-anxiety-disorder/social-anxiety-disorder-risk-factors
10. Versfeld, P. (n.d.). The highly sensitive child and behavioral inhibition. Retrieved from https://skillsforaction.com/highly-sensitive-child

Pregnancy is often considered a joyous and exciting time. But sometimes life has other plans. Death, natural disasters, and other changes can lead to grief or trauma at any stage of life. Grief can be an unwelcome visitor in a time often filled with anticipation. It also comes with a long list of symptoms that tend to be unpleasant.

It is normal to worry about how grief may affect pregnancy. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself grieving during these crucial nine months.

Grief and Mental Health During Pregnancy

Grief is not the same as depression, but the two can share some symptoms. A person affected by grief during pregnancy may have a different experience than someone working through a mental health issue like depression. This article specifically addresses grief. But is it important to be able to distinguish between the effects of each condition. There are different approaches to managing grief and depression. Pinpointing what you experience may better help you address it: [fat_widget_right]

• Depression and similar mental health issues are often long-term. They do not always have a single cause. Professional treatment may be required to mitigate their effects.
• Grief is a period of intense sorrow or mourning. It may last for a shorter period, although this is not always the case. Usually, it occurs after a specific and sometimes traumatic life event. Grief can act in much the same way as other stressors. These stressors can trigger physical symptoms that may affect pregnancy.

Causes of Grief During Pregnancy

Miscarriage may come to mind when the topics of pregnancy and grief are discussed. This life event is indeed a source of grief worth acknowledging. But it is not the only reason for someone to experience grief during a pregnancy. Some sources of grief may have nothing to do with the pregnancy and still affect it.

Other causes of grief can include:

• Death of a close relative, sibling, partner, or child
• Unemployment
• Divorce or breakup
• Lack of shelter or poverty

Health complications for the mother or child during pregnancy can also cause grief. Any of these can effect physical symptoms that could impact a pregnancy. These life events may start a shock reaction in the body. Shock can affect pregnancy in a way similar to grief or stress.

How Grief Affects Pregnancy

Grief can affect pregnancy through its impact on hormone balance and production. Pregnancy already has an effect on hormones. When pregnancy and grief take place at the same time, hormonal changes may have more extreme effects.

The impact of grief can be varied, but there are some common patterns. Grief can cause an imbalance in serotonin production. It also raises the body’s cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. Fetuses can be susceptible to these changes. Disruptions in regular chemical production may have effects that last throughout a pregnancy. In extreme cases, these effects may impact the child’s life later on.

Grief can also worsen symptoms that typically come with pregnancy. These could include aches and pains, sleep issues, and digestive problems. Combined with a sudden loss, these symptoms may become more intense. If you are worried about any these symptoms, consult your health care provider.

Potential Risks of Grief During Pregnancy

Some symptoms of grief may increase certain risks associated with pregnancy. Most of these risks only occur if the grief is severe. Some of these risks include:

• Developmental delays. Some research suggests that stress during pregnancy could cause developmental delays for the child. This may be the case primarily for intense stress, or grief caused by losing a loved one suddenly. One study showed that pregnant mothers who lost a parent were at a higher risk for having a caesarean. Their babies were also found to be slightly smaller in weight. The weight difference was more likely to impact males than females.
• Future mental health issues. Fetal programming is a term for how the environment outside the womb can affect a fetus. This can have a long-lasting impact on how a child develops later in life. A period of intense grief in pregnancy may translate to a greater chance of neurodevelopment issues for the child. These issues could include anxiety, ADHD, and impacts on cognitive function.
• Increased likelihood of stillbirth. A 2013 study found those who had experienced five or more stressful life events within the year were more likely to experience a stillbirth. Both a high level of severity and frequency of stressful events were required to influence a stillbirth.

These risks may sound scary, but they are still relatively uncommon. There are also many ways to reduce the effects of grief. Learning to manage grief in healthy ways while honoring the grieving period may help. Good coping strategies can reduce the effects of grief on a pregnancy.

Can Grief Be a Positive Influence?

Grief does not only increase the risks of pregnancy. A little stress may actually promote a positive outcome. A 2006 study found that mothers who reported stress or symptoms of grief during pregnancy had children with more advanced motor skills and development. The sample population for this study was small and focused on low-risk pregnancies. Deep or sudden grief brought on by a series of traumatic events did not factor into this study.

Studies like these may still provide hope for those going through grief and pregnancy at the same time. Keeping up with medical appointments, working with a therapist, and using healthy skills to cope with grief may prove beneficial. Doing these things can continue to increase a child’s chances for a healthy and happy future.

How to Cope with Grief During Pregnancy

One of the best ways to maintain a healthy pregnancy during the grief period is to care for oneself. Reach out to your support network and practice regular self-care. These habits can help reduce stress and bring comfort when feelings of grief are intense. They may also provide a nurturing environment for the baby throughout the pregnancy.

Some methods of coping with grief during pregnancy include:

• Seeing a licensed therapist
• Attending couples counseling with a partner
• Talking with trusted friends
• Taking a relaxing bath or nap
• Practicing gratitude, journaling, or meditation
• Listening to music that makes you feel good
• Telling the baby stories about your loved ones
• Taking walks with your partner or a friend

There is one thing it may help to avoid if you are grieving and pregnant: worry. Obsessing over whether grief may affect a pregnancy is likely to cause further stress. Increased stress may worsen symptoms and make pregnancy more difficult. If you are struggling with feelings of grief or stress during pregnancy, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. They can teach you skills to manage grief and address any anxiety you may experience about your pregnancy.

Practicing self-care may facilitate a healthy pregnancy whether grief is present or not. It is not necessary or even natural to feel gleefully happy throughout an entire pregnancy. But managing strong or negative emotions may lead to less stress and more balance.

References:

1. Black, S. E., Devereux, P. J., & Salvanes, K. G. (2014). Does grief transfer across generations? In-utero deaths and outcomes. IZA. Retrieved from http://ftp.iza.org/dp8043.pdf
2. Dealing with grief during pregnancy. (n.d.). Pregnancy Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.pregnancymagazine.com/mom/dealing-with-grief-during-pregnancy
3. DiPietro, J. A., Novak, M. F. S. X., Costigan, K. A., Atella, L. D., & Reusing, S. P. (2006, May 9). Maternal psychological distress during pregnancy in relation to child development at age two. Child Development, 3(77), 573-587. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00891.x
4. Glover, V. (2013, August 6). Effects of prenatal stress can affect children into adulthood. The Conversation. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/effects-of-prenatal-stress-can-affect-children-into-adulthood-16332
5. Glover, V. (2011). The effects of prenatal stress on child behavioural and cognitive outcomes start at the beginning. Retrieved from http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/stress-and-pregnancy-prenatal-and-perinatal/according-experts/effects-prenatal-stress-child
6. Oberlander, T. F. (2012). Fetal serotonin signaling: Setting pathways for early childhood development and behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2(51), S9-S16. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.04.009
7. Rettner, R. (2013, March 27). Stress in pregnancy boosts stillbirth risk. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/28229-pregnancy-stress-stillbirth.html

If you have ever lost a loved one, you have most likely experienced grief. Grief is an intense feeling of sadness or sorrow. It is generally brought on by the loss of something or someone. The end of a long-term relationship, like a divorce, or the death of a family member may cause grief.

Grief is not always thought of as a full-body experience. But just as grief can affect mental health, it can also have physical aspects. Physical symptoms may not come with every kind of grief. But intense grief—for example, that caused by the death of a child or partner—can bring about side effects that may feel more physical than anything else.

Grief can trigger a number of mental health symptoms and issues. These might include depression, loneliness, and anxiety. The line between the grief period and a mental health issue may be hard to define. It can help to consult a trusted therapist or counselor if you are having trouble with grief or similar feelings.

Knowing which symptoms of grief to watch for may allow you to soothe and address any effects you experience. [fat_widget_right]

1. Heart Problems

Heart problems can be brought on by intense stress in a variety of situations. But there are particular heart risks associated with grief. One study found the death of a loved one to increase a person’s chance of a heart attack.

There’s also a specific temporary syndrome brought on by the death of a loved one called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or “broken heart syndrome.” Broken heart syndrome is caused by a disruption in the blood being pumped to one section of the heart. Because of this, it mimics the effects of a heart attack—chest pain and shortness of breath—but is temporary. People with broken heart syndrome can undergo treatment for it. They may also choose to wait for the syndrome to reverse itself in a few weeks.

It is important to note that if you experience chest pain or shortness of breath over a long period of time, you should consult your doctor for deeper causes. This is true for any other severe or long-lasting physical effects of grief.

2. Lowered Immunity

Some people catch colds or come down with the flu during times of immense stress. They may notice they are more susceptible to these same ailments during a period of intense grieving. This is because in adults, grief can lower the immune system.

A 2014 study found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically due to the loss of a spouse, could not maintain a stress hormone balance. As a result, they experienced reduced neutrophil function. This means that during the grieving process, older adults are less likely to produce some types of white blood cells, leaving them prone to infections.

3. Body Aches and Pains

Aches and pains are a common physical symptom of grief. Grief can cause back pain, joint pain, headaches, and stiffness. The pain is caused by the overwhelming amount of stress hormones being released during the grieving process. These effectively stun the muscles they contact. Stress hormones act on the body in a similar way to broken heart syndrome. Aches and pains from grief should be temporary. If they persist over the long term, consult your physician.

4. Digestive Issues

The digestive tract can be sensitive to times of intense stress. It can be all too common to seek comfort in food during stressful periods or to experience a queasy stomach when anxious. Grief inspires these symptoms and others, such as a loss of appetite, weight loss, binge eating, nausea, and irritable bowel syndrome.

Knowing these symptoms are caused by grief can help alleviate them. When you feel an urge to eat when sad or notice you haven’t eaten all day because of that same sadness, it can be a good indicator to call a trusted friend or licensed mental health professional to set up an appointment.

5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Overeating or not eating enough during the grieving process is only one unhealthy coping mechanism people may experience. Some can be more harmful than others. People may turn to alcohol or cigarettes, the overuse of which can have long-lasting effects on the liver and lungs.

Others may engage in self-harming behavior, drug use, or other high-risk behaviors. All of these coping mechanisms can have intensely damaging, long-lasting effects on the body and brain. If you find yourself frequently engaging in behaviors like these to cope with grief, it is crucial you reach out to a trusted friend or licensed professional for help.

6. Sleep Problems and Fatigue

A 2017 study found that spouses who were bereaved by suicide had a higher risk of developing sleep issues. Sleep is supposed to be when the body and brain rest and repair themselves. Sleep disruption during grief can be especially frustrating. It can be debilitating to constantly feel both sad, anxious, and exhausted. Insomnia can be a common occurrence in those who are grieving. But it should only be temporary. A continued inability to sleep regularly or feel rested should be reported to your doctor.

When Grief Becomes a Cycle

Many people aspire to finish grieving and move on with their lives in a healthy way. But some may find this is harder than expected. It is possible for grief to become a cycle. Sometimes memories of loss or of a lost loved one may light up the reward receptors in the brain. This means that moving on or “letting go” can be much more difficult. Those memories and the grieving process can feed into an addictive feeling.

A cycle of grief can take a toll on a person’s physical and mental health. Continuing the grieving process for a long period of time means a person’s risk for long-term health problems is increased. What could have been a short-term symptom—chest pain, stomach aches, or sleep problems, for example—can manifest in much more serious ways. These could include heart disease, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Managing Grief

It is important to seek help if you need it to regulate your mind-body connection. What gets thrown out of whack during the grieving process can, in fact, get back on track.

Building a healthy routine can be a first step to mitigating some of the physical symptoms of grief. Regular exercise and a nutritious diet can help with pain, heart risks, digestive issues, and sleep patterns. Talking about grief with family and friends or a licensed mental health professional can help address the grief directly. Doing so may also foster the development of healthy coping skills.

It is important to remember you are not alone. Asking for help may an important step during the grieving process. It can take time to heal, and that is normal. Grief cannot be rushed. But with love and compassion from family, and the help of a therapist, grief can come to an end.

References:

1. Addicted to grief? Chronic grief activates pleasure areas of the brain. (2008, June 22). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080620195446.htm
2. Broken heart syndrome. (2016, November 5). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617
3. Erlangsen, A., et al. (2017). Association between spousal suicide and mental, physical, and social health outcomes. JAMA Psychiatry, 74(5), 456-464. doi: 10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2017.0226
4. Gahles, N. (2016, November 22). The physical trauma of grief and loss. Retrieved from https://www.integrativepractitioner.com/topics/news/body-trauma-grief
5. Mostofsky, E., Maclure, M., Sherwood, J. B., Tofler, G. H., Muller, J. E., & Mittleman, M. A. (2012, January 23). Risk of acute myocardial infarction after death of a significant person in one’s life. Circulation, 3(125), 491-496. doi: 10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.111.061770
6. Qin, H., Cheng, C., Tang, X., Bian, Z. (2014, October 21). Impact of psychological stress on irritable bowel syndrome. World Journal of Gastroenterology, 20(39), 126-131. doi: 10.3748/wjg.v20.i39.14126
7. Vitlic, A., Khanfer, R., Lord, J. M., Carroll, D., Philips, A. C. (2014, August 29). Bereavement reduces neutrophil oxidative burst only in older adults: role of the HPA axis and immunesenescence. Immunity & Ageing, 11(13). doi: 10.1186/1742-4933-11-13