While it’s inevitable that couples experience ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship, there are times when conflict can reach a critical point and the prospect of a breakup begins to feel more real. Deciding whether to stay or go can be tough. Often, the relationship can feel compromised due to a variety of concerns that have not been adequately addressed. While it can be challenging to identify the real issues and determine the best course of action, doing so may lead to clarity and confidence as you move toward a decision. It can also help you to honor the good in the relationship and amicably move forward in your separate lives.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I greatly appreciate the extensive body of research that Dr. John Gottman and his team contributed to the field of couples relationships. When couples enter therapy, I find it helpful to review some of his core findings about relationships in order to provide an overview of the qualities and attributes that will help them to be more effective with each other.

Here are some points to consider if you’ve been feeling conflicted about ending a long-term relationship:

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1. Trust and Commitment

Perhaps there has been a rupture in the relationship and you find yourself wondering whether trust and commitment, two essentials, still exist in your relationship. Sometimes these two areas become so compromised that day-to-day life together starts to feel toxic. When this happens, it’s important to take inventory and understand each other’s perspective about what’s not working.

As a pro-relationship therapist, I believe there is value in working through relationship challenges. In exploring and sharing important feelings, individuals may begin to feel a sense of relief and a feeling of finally being understood—two important components involved in repairing damage and trust ruptures. When each person is able to identify their experience in their relationship, feel heard, and reach a mutual understanding about what needs to shift, couples are often able to move from feeling stuck to feeling more accepted by their partner. This shift in perspective often has a profound impact on a couple’s ability to nurture a more positive atmosphere with each other.

2. Friendship and Curiosity

Do you remember what it was like when you met your partner? Perhaps a thrilling sensation would pulse through your body when you knew you were getting together. You felt alive, curious, and desired at the same time! Everything was new and exciting—even a mundane afternoon together somehow felt like the most interesting day of the year. During the early stages of your relationship, you likely engaged your partner in a way that made them feel special, asking a lot of questions, eager to understand all the complexities that made up their unique way of navigating the world.

It is not uncommon for this level of curiosity to fade over the course of long-term relationships—you get into a routine, you know your person, so why bother asking questions anymore? This type of thinking can be detrimental to your friendship. A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership. When we stop being curious about our partner, the relationship may become stagnant.

3. Conflict Management

Do you find that you’re constantly at odds? If you’re able to repair arguments often, conflict might not be cause for concern. Research conducted by Dr. Gottman found that it’s not necessarily conflict or negative contact that is the issue in relationships, but rather that conflict in the absence of positivity and repair is predictive of instability. Gottman notes that when there is a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, the relationship is likely to be stable. Positive interactions include not only the obvious but also more subtle gestures, such as a glance in your partner’s direction when they are making a point or a follow-up question to an expressed need. Positive interactions demonstrate that your partner is present and responsive to you and your needs.

A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership.

In times of conflict, if you find that you are not able to repair and that any attempts to repair or make light of a situation are met with cold indifference, anger, or hostility, you and your partner may benefit from exploring your experience of each other more in-depth. The ability to repair can include the following: taking some responsibility for what went wrong, accepting your partner’s influence, and demonstrating a willingness to participate in a conversation about what happened and what could be better.

When thinking about resolving conflict in your relationship, how can you nurture an atmosphere of positivity? If it’s typically difficult for you and your partner to make repair attempts, you may need to work on the underlying dynamics that prevent you from being more effective with each other.

4. Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

In his research, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of understanding the critical difference between relationship problems that are solvable and the ones that will always be there. I find this distinction to be incredibly hopeful. Couples often enter therapy in order to gain the clarity, skills, and confidence necessary to negotiate, on an ongoing basis, the many different points of contention unique to their relationship. In identifying which problems are which (solvable vs. perpetual), couples can begin to more effectively negotiate and compromise. For example, perhaps you have a contentious relationship with your partner’s best friend or an in-law. These situations can pose a big challenge for any couple; however, they are quite common and need to be addressed on an ongoing basis. For perpetual problems, the solution typically involves reaching a compromise.

Although spending time and energy on working through a relationship challenge may sound simple, it can sometimes be complicated due to past hurts or a lack of trust in a particular area, making it quite difficult for many people. If this area has been problematic for you and your partner, you may benefit from couples counseling in order to gain awareness, insight, and the skills necessary to negotiate important topics with greater ease.

5. Honoring Each Other’s Life Dreams

Do you sometimes wonder whether you and your partner want different things in life? You and your partner may have significant differences in your life goals, and that’s okay. The important thing to consider is whether you’re willing to support each other in accomplishing your respective life dreams. In thinking about ambitions, it’s helpful to consider them in categories. For example, what are some of your personal and professional goals?

For some people, it might be easy to define personal and professional life dreams. For others, it might involve more thought and soul-searching. If you are having trouble identifying these areas, start by considering what makes you feel happy, inspired, and joyful. Then think about your partner’s goals. Is your list similar in some ways? Are there significant differences? If so, what do you anticipate might be some of the challenges? Honoring the life dreams of a partner may involve some compromise, so it’s important to consider what you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not. This is an area that is worthy of thoughtful discussion so you can be informed and on the same page about accomplishing your respective goals.

Over the life of any relationship, feeling disappointed and hurt at times is inevitable. And while a breakup is sometimes unavoidable, other times it’s possible to work through difficulties and achieve a closer connection. Whatever the situation, it can be helpful to spend time reflecting on the areas mentioned above to help you determine a thoughtful decision. If you are committed to your partner but are having difficulty engaging in these topics or moving through your unique relationship challenges, you may want to seek couples counseling to help you to improve the quality of your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

How we treat ourselves affects our interactions with others. If I beat myself up for not being perfect, how will I be loving toward a friend or a romantic partner who has “failed” me? How will I be able to set realistic expectations for others if they aren’t realistic for me?

So often, we are unloving toward our perceived flaws. We criticize our bodies, without thanking our body parts for the important functions they serve. We criticize our personal qualities, without practicing compassionate curiosity. Our mistakes are rarely used as opportunities for growth. Instead, our mistakes are used to create a track record proving how “incompetent” we are.

In an ideal world, we would be in control of our lives and tailor them to our liking. In the real world, however, we are faced with messiness on a daily basis. There are more gray areas than black-and-white ones. Our plans don’t always pan out, and our expectations are not always met.

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It always surprises me how dehumanizing our problems can be. Anxiety convinces us that we are “crazy.” Depression convinces us that we are “worthless.” Perfectionism convinces us that we are “never enough.” Yet we invite these abusive voices into our daily routines. Whatever happened to healthy self-love and self-respect?

In today’s modern world, many people appear to be self-absorbed. We often spend more time on our phones than actually socializing with those around us. There is difference between being self-absorbed and practicing healthy self-love, however. Being self-absorbed centers on the idea of empty external validation. On the other hand, healthy self-love invites acceptance, integrity, and creates space for personal values. Healthy self-love is the ability to notice one’s “flaws” and attempt to improve those areas through compassionate healing. Healthy self-love allows a person to be human. Healthy self-love does not connect one’s self-worth to one’s performance.

Think about it: A lack of healthy self-love leaves us feeling ashamed and alone. Over time, a lack of self-love can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of emptiness. These issues develop such a centralized position in our lives that we may grow fearful of leaving them behind. We latch onto them as though our identities will be compromised if we try to move beyond what they have planned for us.

If it was up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

If it were up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

Our problems attempt to compare us to an unrealistic standard that is never consistent. The standard continues to grow as we age. As we age, the standard attempts to find a new cohort to compare us to.

We carry “suitcases” from childhood into adolescence. We fill up our suitcases with more unmet expectations and perceived disappointments and carry them over to adulthood. The cycle continues until the day we die or we realize our problems will never allow us to love ourselves.

When we judge others, it’s usually because they have “failed” to meet an expectation that our problems have set for us. Either we have “failed” to achieve that expectation as well, or we have “succeeded” at complying with the expectation. Lack of self-love steps in and whispers: “I have failed at meeting this expectation, and so has this person. I don’t like myself, so I don’t like this person, either.” Lack of self-love also can whisper: “I have complied with this certain expectation. This person has ‘failed’ to meet this particular expectation. They are not perfect and not worthy of my time.”

The way you treat others is a reflection of your internal dialogue with yourself. If you have cheated on a romantic partner, it is less about your romantic partner or the third person in the scenario. It is more about who you would have hoped to be with, alongside the third person. It is about you.

If you have judged another person, it is more about your relationship with mistakes or differences than it is about the other person. Problems have a way of tricking us into loyalty. Problems guide us to black-and-white thinking. Our goal is not to step away from personal values and morals. Our goal is to have acceptance and love for ourselves—enough acceptance that we are able to remind ourselves that we will be okay regardless of how others choose to live, regardless of other people’s actions.

Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the things you think you have not accomplished? Can you be compassionate with yourself and accept yourself so fully that you stop looking for others to do what you have “failed” at? Can you remind yourself that where you are at this very moment is exactly where you need to be?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve been seeing this wonderful girl for over three years now, and my parents still have not warmed up to her. She and I are a perfect fit, very compatible, but not too similar. We introduce one another to new experiences, resolve our differences pretty well, and have fun together. It seems like the only piece missing is the fact my parents—whole family, really—don’t approve. They’re nice enough when we’re all together and have never been cruel to her outright, but my sister has made comments on the side about how I “could do better,” and my dad says vaguely insulting things like, “I always pictured you with someone … different.” I’ve also heard them mock her voice and make some jokes at her expense.

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I’ve never asked what, exactly, they find fault with, but if I had to register a guess it would be that my girlfriend didn’t go to college and has a nontraditional job. She’s not a deadbeat, by any means, and she’s still one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. She just doesn’t fit their view of what a well-educated person on a definite career track looks like. Otherwise, she blends very well with my family in terms of humor, ideology, political beliefs—pretty much any category that actually matters.

I really, really want to marry this woman, and could see myself popping the question in the next six months to a year, except that I desperately want my family on my side when I do. We’re a relatively small, tight-knit group, and it’s important to me that they at least see my love for her and understand she’s here to stay. Does this require a family meeting-type scenario to iron out our differences? Or should I just forge ahead and hope they jump on board and become supportive soon? —Meet the Mockers

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Mockers,

This is quite the dilemma. It sounds like you have found a partner with whom you’d like to build a life. While this is a beautiful thing, it is complicated by your family’s less-than-enthusiastic embrace of her. I imagine this leaves you feeling pulled between the people you love most.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life? If you have not, I wonder if talking to them about how serious you are about this woman and how unacceptable you find their remarks to be would sufficiently address the issue. Perhaps if they knew she was here to stay and you wouldn’t accept them being unkind to her, they would realize they needed to get on board, as you say.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life?

I find myself wondering if your girlfriend is aware of your family’s lukewarm feelings toward her. If she is aware, how does she feel about it? Does this cause any conflict between the two of you in your relationship? If she is aware of their feelings, perhaps a “family meeting-type scenario,” including her, as you suggest could be helpful for everyone involved. You may even want to enlist the help of a family therapist to help everyone talk through the conflict.

I’m also curious about the dynamics in your family. Is your sister in a serious relationship? Are you the first to try to bring someone new into the family? For some families, this can feel threatening in a sense. They might even see her introduction to the scene as a threat to your place in their lives.

Hopefully, through some conversations with your family, possibly including your girlfriend and/or a family therapist, everyone can come together. If not, you might need to decide how to proceed with your relationship with your girlfriend without your family’s support. These situations can be very painful, and you might find it helpful to partner with a therapist to help you process your feelings and determine the best course of action.

Kindly,

Sarah

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?

Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above questions, it may serve you to become better at saying “no.”

William Ury, in his book The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No, suggests the dilemma we encounter in saying “no” often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our own sense of power and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship. Ury says we often find ourselves doing one of three things in response to a request:

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1. Accommodate. We say yes when we really want to say no. This brings us a temporary, false sense of peace, later be replaced with apprehension and resentment. We defer to the relationship with no regard for our power and ironically end up undermining the relationship in the long run.
2. Attack. We often do this with those we love the most, the ones we take for granted. We say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power, but with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person.
3. Avoid. We don’t prioritize our personal power OR the relationship; in other words, everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.

It’s important to be able to say no so you feel empowered while still maintaining your relationships with others. Saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you.

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Some people question what to do when they don’t have an immediate answer to an inquiry. It’s okay to take a little time to think about your response. To keep yourself from avoiding altogether, provide a deadline by which you need to decide what your answer will be. Tell the other person something like, “I need to give your request some thought. I will let you know by noon Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes.

A helpful strategy that can enable you to say no with greater ease is to gain clarity around the kinds of things to which you want to say yes. Make a list of your top three priorities (and understand that they may change). Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard. When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, feel free to answer the inquiry affirmatively. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.

Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning (in fact, sometimes it can invite challenges to your “no”). However, you can say something about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes. Doing so lets others know you are acknowledging the request, and demonstrates respect for the person who asked. Communicating to others that they’ve been heard can go a long way toward strengthening a relationship, even when you say no.

Another helpful strategy suggested by Ury is to have an “anchor phrase.” Examples might be “I have a policy …” or “I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later” or “I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.” Once you have your anchor phrase, you can practice it. As a result of being proactive and prepared, you may be able to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your yes rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.

Reference:

Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Love is powerful. It can be reduced to chemical reactions in the brain or elevated to spiritual phenomenon. Love invites us to be brave and expose our deepest selves. Love can also feel like an unwelcome spotlight that reveals our dirtiest secrets.

We all have them—the parts of ourselves that are weak and afraid at best, disgusting and shameful at worst. We work hard to hide them away so no one ever sees them. We believe that these parts—and ultimately ourselves—don’t deserve compassion. Perhaps we don’t even feel worthy of love itself. What does that mean about our ability to be in a loving relationship with another person?

We often hear that you have to love yourself first to able to love or, worse, be loved. This is a toxic way to view yourself and only reinforces the very fears that keep you hidden in the first place. Your struggle to love yourself does not devalue the love you have to share, nor does it render you unlovable. Your ability to love yourself just changes the way you experience a loving relationship.

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What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?

Loving yourself refers to accepting all parts of yourself, even the ones that bring you discomfort. It means taking care of yourself when despair instructs you to isolate and withhold. It means learning to believe in two seemingly opposing truths at the same time: you are good enough as you are and you have room to grow. Loving yourself is not an unchanging state that you either exist in or don’t. You will have days when you will revel in the chance to be kind and gentle with yourself, and there will be days it will feel like swimming upstream.

When you look at love as something dynamic, as a behavior, as a conscious effort, it becomes more accessible. Loving yourself is not set in stone, but a choice over which you have control. You have the freedom to offer love to yourself and to open yourself up to a new experience of being in love. Here are five ways loving yourself makes your relationships stronger:

1. When you love yourself, you can share yourself with your partner without fear.

When you love yourself, you can recognize your imperfections and refrain from judging them. You know all humans are in a constant state of flux, and that these imperfections are opportunities to evolve. You have nothing to hide and can be honest with your partner about your flaws and how you attend to them. And since you no longer allow shame to cloud your self-image, you can acknowledge your strengths and talents—the very attributes your partner has appreciated all along.

2. When you love yourself, you can trust your partner’s love for you.

When your partner tells you how kind, generous, and attractive you are, you can believe it. Self-doubt won’t prevent you from accepting your partner’s love. You will know that—while you’re not perfect—you have a lot to offer, and it is absolutely believable that someone would value you. You won’t have to be shocked that this person you hold in high esteem regards you as equally amazing. When you allow someone to love you, you reinforce that you are indeed lovable. Loving yourself becomes more than an option; it becomes your right.

3. When you love yourself, you can express your needs without guilt.

Recognizing your own value means recognizing that your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Rather than feeling like a burden or undeserving of attention, you will find the courage to ask for what feels good to you. The more you realize your own worth, the less you will accept others’ disrespect or lack of kindness. Loving yourself means setting healthy boundaries and requiring that others treat you in a way that makes you feel appreciated.

Without shame, doubt, and fear to blind you, you can work together to find a joint resolution that strengthens your commitment and deepens your bond to each other.

4. When you love yourself, you can fight fair.

That’s right. When you love yourself, you can have conflict in a relationship and it won’t feel like the end of the world. You won’t automatically take everything personally, which means less self-blame and anger. Rather than shaming yourself or lashing out at your partner, you’ll be able to take responsibility for your actions in a clear-headed and thoughtful manner. You’ll be able to express your concerns knowing you have the right to be happy and heard. You’ll encourage your partner to understand you, just as you will try to understand them. Without shame, doubt, and fear to blind you, you can work together to find a joint resolution that strengthens your commitment and deepens your bond to each other.

5. When you love yourself, you can be independent from your partner.

When you love yourself, you don’t have to feel insecure about your partner’s life outside of you. When your partner is away, you can still hold onto your own value. Your partner doesn’t exist for your validation and security; they are their own person. You can support the development of your partner’s personal story, and they can support yours. Your partner’s interests and friends won’t be threatening because you believe your partner has reason to come back to you. You recognize that your sphere of control extends only to your own behavior. You can allow for your partner to make their own choices, trusting they will remain mindful of the love you share. You may even find that when you and your partner explore life outside of each other, you reinvigorate the relationship. You get to be curious about each other’s separate experiences of the world and find new reasons to be excited about one another.

To practice loving yourself is to discover the kind of love you wish to receive. Explore what it means to love and to be loved. Understand your needs, your fears, and your strengths. Learn to develop the kind of relationship that suits you best. With a stronger sense of your value, you can offer yourself and your partner the open-hearted, limitless relationship you both deserve. No more hiding, no more shame. Just your authentic, imperfectly perfect self—to be seen, heard, and cherished, just like you’ve always wanted.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

First of all, my partner does not hit, abuse, or commit any acts of violence toward me. It’s the main reason I haven’t left yet. I’m writing because I’m curious whether addiction alone is a valid justification for leaving.

I’ve heard of the “three A’s” (abuse, addiction, and affairs) that are warning signs and signals a relationship is in trouble. And I know everyone probably thinks their case is special, or that their lover is different than anyone else who abuses, cheats, or develops an addiction. I am aware the cards are stacked against me. So how does an optimistic person weigh all of those “givens” and make a choice about the future of a relationship?

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I have so much hope that my boyfriend will realize one day soon the strain his alcoholism puts on his health, our finances, and the plans we make. I catch glimpses of this realization occasionally when he sobers up (briefly). He has agreed to get help once or twice, but it never lasts. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and I loved the person I met all those years ago! I’m exhausted and sick of being the one person to try to remind him who he was.

Am I foolish for holding out hope that he will one day be that person again? Is there a chance I could get him the help he needs? —Hoping Against Hope

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Hoping,

Thank you for writing, and I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.

The short answer to your first question (is addiction a valid reason for leaving?) is yes, with this caveat: it’s not so much the “addiction,” per se, but your boyfriend’s “straining” behavior (as you put it) while under the influence.

Your excellent question also signals one of the reasons living with an addicted partner is difficult: the dual nature of the person’s personality (sober versus not sober). It’s like living with two people, but only you know it. When something this distressing is unacknowledged, a person can start to feel like they’re losing their mind. This lack of acknowledgment of your experience creates a sense of isolation that is itself is a form of abuse, where “crazy” starts to feel normalized or we become numb to it—until it grabs our attention again and we ask ourselves, “Why the hell do I put up with this?”

Except it’s hard to say “get lost” to the sober version of the person we care about. That version may show remorse, contrition, regret, etc., a stark contrast to the non-sober version’s selfish, mean, and spiteful behavior. Episodes of the latter are often forgotten or downplayed by the sober version, perhaps accompanied by an apology that rings rather hollow.

You have an extremely difficult decision to make, and for that you may need support. You can look for Al-Anon meetings—highly recommended—near you by doing an internet search. There are also online support groups, books on living with an addicted partner, and so on. There are also highly trained and skilled counselors and therapists who specialize in addiction and living with an addicted partner. I urge you to get support before you make any big decisions.

Some prefer meetings to therapy; with others it’s the other way around. I find that a combination of therapy and meetings can be most helpful. In meetings, we find others who can relate to us, to cut down on that soul-wrenching isolation, shame, and other pain.

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult.

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult. There is no “right thing to do,” necessarily. Even partners who are physically abused (men included) can find it terribly difficult to leave; it is hard to leave someone we love, especially if we have a history of tolerating emotional abuse, relational chaos, or trauma. (We often cannot help being attracted to what is familiar.)

You would not be shamefully “dumb” to stay, nor shamefully “selfish” to leave. In fact, sometimes it is such a gamble that jars the addicted person back to reality. It is usually action, not just talk, that gets a partner’s attention.

Some might suggest it’s important to have compassion for the addicted person, and I would agree—to a point. Have compassion, yes, but also set boundaries against hurtful behavior you have nothing to do with and cannot influence.

A good therapist can help you do the painful work of taking care of yourself. We can feel guilty or neglectful if we set boundaries and look after ourselves, especially when an addicted person under the influence lashes out at us for “ignoring” them. But as with a child in tantrum, consistent and firm limits are important.

My usual advice to people in your situation—barring anything life-threatening or physically injurious—is to take very small but manageable baby steps. For instance, telling your partner (while he’s sober), in as neutral a way as possible, what behaviors are hurtful to you, and what you can and cannot tolerate. Start small. Example: “I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” If not, “When is good? Tonight at dinner?” Then, at the right time: “I don’t mean to criticize, and this is a little hard to say, but please stop lashing out at me late at night. It really hurts.” You might add, if the hint is not obvious enough, “You seem more angry and attacking when you drink.” Again, try to stay with a neutral tone with a focus on your own pain rather than your partner. Other-focused comments such as, “Boy, you’re one angry drunk,” or, “When are you going to stop drinking like a fish?” are unlikely to lead in a positive direction.

One can argue facts, but not feelings. If a partner is unwilling to listen to feelings, consistently stonewalls, or becomes defensive, then the relationship is in trouble—addictive behavior or no addictive behavior.

If your partner says, “Well, you hurt me too! Stop being so critical!” you can say, “Okay, I’m willing to hear feedback too. Can we both agree to do some work on this together?” If you are both struggling with this, relationship counseling can greatly help. The point is to work toward peace and productive communication, not the same old cycle over and over again. Some people reading this might say, “Why is it up to me? I’m not the addicted person here.” To which I would say, quoting Al-Anon, “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to feel safer and happier in your relationship?”

If these conversations go nowhere, and if efforts to get outside help fail, then perhaps leaving becomes the only realistic option. Again, sending a firm message—I cannot tolerate such hurtful behavior—is crucial. Though difficult, making such a decision may do wonders for your self-esteem and sense of empowerment. It may also trigger sadness or grief.

I wish you the best of luck, and again reiterate that you are not alone. Please seek support. Admitting a need for help—for you or for a loved one you can’t seem to get through to—is often the bravest thing a person can do.

Kind regards,

Darren

Do you ever wonder how happily married couples stay that way? As it turns out, happy couples are pretty much like every other couple. They have heated arguments. They have work stresses. They struggle to raise their kids. Difficult family situations pop up, and often partners don’t see eye to eye. So what sets happily married couples apart? What keeps them relatively happy and satisfied?

One important distinction that sets happily married couples apart from unhappily married couples is a greater capacity for emotional intelligence (EQ) in their relationship. What exactly is emotional intelligence, you ask? It can be defined as being skilled in awareness of your emotions, understanding your emotions and managing your emotions in a wise and empathetic way. Emotions are a powerful force that sets the tone for a marriage, good or bad.

Happy couples apply their emotional intelligence in their daily interactions with each other. They discuss issues in a courteous way. They listen. Their positive interactions outweigh their negative interactions. They tend to express admiration, understanding, and respect for each other.

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There is a feeling that your partner is in your corner, has your back, and will support you no matter what. These characteristics create a positive emotional climate leading to feelings of closeness, intimacy, and greater overall satisfaction and happiness.

The way you feel about your feelings known as meta-emotions affects the way you interact with your partner. If you were taught as a child that negative feelings are bad and you were discouraged from expressing them, you may find yourself minimizing or avoiding conflict as much as possible or you may find yourself denying your feelings and working hard to please others. Uncomfortable negative feelings such as anger, fear, or hurt are useful signals letting you know something is wrong and needs to be attended to. Avoiding these powerful feelings only strengthens their negative impact on you and your relationship, thus making it more difficult to cope when they resurface over and over again.

Make a commitment to acknowledge, understand, and express your emotions without using criticism, blame, or judgment.

Here are a few ways you can raise your emotional intelligence in your relationship:

1. Make friends with your feelings. Identify what you are feeling and what triggered this feeling. Take some time, away from your partner if necessary, to understand what is causing you to feel this way. Is there a history to this feeling? Give yourself permission to feel angry, hurt, or afraid. Your feelings do not define who you are as a person.
2. Calm down. Negative feelings have a way of overwhelming us and clouding our judgment. When flooded with a negative perspective, it is difficult to be objective and look at things in a balanced way. You may find yourself being more critical or defensive than usual. Decrease your tension by taking a break from the problem. Relax your mind and body with activities you enjoy, such as listening to music, reading, walking, or meditating.
3. Turn toward your partner. After you have identified your feelings and returned to a calmer state, you are ready to begin a more productive conversation. Express your needs in an assertive but non-aggressive way. Try to listen to your partner without interrupting. Acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings. If negative feelings flare up again, take another break from the issue. Do not start a discussion again for anywhere from 20 minutes to 24 hours.

Make a commitment to acknowledge, understand, and express your emotions without using criticism, blame, or judgment. Negative emotions are not the enemy; it’s how they are expressed that can be problematic. When negative emotions come up, take a break, calm down, and then try turning again toward your partner to discuss. Doing so will most likely lead to greater connection and understanding between you, increasing your level of satisfaction and happiness in your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, NY: Harmony.

Often in my practice, I hear people in conflict about wanting to tell someone something that is true for them, but worrying about hurting the other person’s feelings. This arises regarding needs in romantic relationships, differing opinions with coworkers, and obligation-inducing invitations from acquaintances—from the most intimate to the most impersonal interactions.

We withhold relevant truths about ourselves and our preferences from people we are in relationship with for a litany of reasons: to shield them from pain, to avoid disappointing, to prevent angry reactions and conflict, out of fear of being vulnerable, or out of concern for other potential consequences. There are an infinite number of rationales as to why it may not be easy or enjoyable to speak your truth.

Considering the feelings and well-being of others is crucial. It is the foundation of a democratic, civil, and just society. However, humans can become overly concerned with the feelings of those around them to the detriment of their own welfare and experience. It is possible to be too considerate, too nice.

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There is a difference between sincerely and mindfully attending to the experience of others and your impact on them, and over-functioning in a relationship by trying to remove the unavoidable pain that is part of life for all of us, pain we are all built for.

A psychologically balanced person is someone whose thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are aligned and mirror one another. In order to stay connected to your experience and act upon it, you must at times relay parts of who you are or what you want that may be painful for others to hear and digest. This may be difficult, but the alternative keeps you sheltered in a life that does not truly fit.

While being “nice” and “going along to get along” may keep your life stable and seemingly safe, you may also be imprisoning yourself and those around you. Anytime you block what you know to be true from expressing itself, you shut off key avenues to joy, authenticity, and freedom. This avoidance of the truth can have consequences in the form of addiction, hostility, decreased empathy, chronic stress, loneliness, and apathy, to name a few.

When you withhold important truths, you bar yourself from showing up authentically, from really being known. You prevent what needs to happen next in your life from coming to fruition. A significant byproduct of this is you also hinder others’ access to important information about themselves. When fear or resistance to saying something undesirable wins, you may protect people in the short term, but in the long run you keep them in the dark about things they would be better off knowing. This is because your truth directly impacts what is true for someone in relationship with you.

By finding and expressing what is genuine for you, you clear a path for someone to come closer to their truth. They have the opportunity to see you more fully, know where they stand, and decide how they want to live based on what is accurate and real. You offer them the gift of more information about their own lives. What they do with that information is up to them. Your work is yours; theirs is theirs.

Placing truth at a premium requires holding your own pain without medicating it, denying it, or projecting it onto someone else. You may find experiencing difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, and disappointment actually feels better than trying to fend off these feelings, which can lead to suffering.

To be clear, this is not permission to be mean. This is not a go-ahead to bully, to say nasty things, or to act upon an intention to be hurtful or cruel. This is taking a deep breath and conveying what is honest and accurate for you in a way that respects the experience of the other. It is permission to set yourself free and give others the key to their own freedom—the right to know what is happening in the other half of the relationship.

None of this is a walk in the park. This practice requires the ability to tolerate another’s pain without moving to fix it, own it, or run away from it. It also means dealing with possibly not being liked or not being seen as “good.” It requires having your own voice and self-love be enough. It means acknowledging that two conflicting truths can coexist, and honoring what is yours while respecting another’s.

Placing truth at a premium requires holding your own pain without medicating it, denying it, or projecting it onto someone else. You may find experiencing difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, and disappointment actually feels better than trying to fend off these feelings, which can lead to suffering. When emotions are accepted and felt for what they are, there may be a “clean” factor to the experience. It may be raw, intense, and painful, but afterward it can feel renewing and relieving. Tucking in your feelings and denying “what is” is a conduit to anxiety, shame, and guilt.

Is telling the truth scary as hell? Yes. Does it sometimes put important things in your life at risk? Definitely. Can the truth change everything? Bet on it.

Are there other options for operating in life? Absolutely. However, if you want to live an authentic life and have meaningful relationships, psychological health, and spiritual freedom, organize your life around what is true. With a little tact, telling the truth does not have to amount to being mean or bad; it is simply conveying what is and using your reality as your north star. The more your motives and actions parallel your authenticity, the more you are empowered to create the life you want. You must face pain or disappointment, allow truth to be the ground beneath your feet, and move forward not based upon what you should do, but what you want and need.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

You have to help me—I feel like I’m living a terrible nightmare! I am not the type to snoop, but recently I’ve been seeing signs my husband might be gay. There’s what I think is evidence on his phone of random meetups with men, pictures … and even one lengthy text exchange with a man at his company. I didn’t read the whole conversation, but it seems to be a developing relationship. They were flirting and talking about feelings, “seeing where this goes.”

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I’m devastated and confused, and unsure where to turn. My husband and I are rarely intimate, which is an issue we were trying to work on, since we’ve talked about starting a family. I still thought we cared about each other deeply. We get along well, laugh a lot, and typically have a policy of honesty with one another. Or I thought we did. We were good friends before getting together, and we always talked and shared everything. I do remember, years ago, him saying he’d had a fantasy about being with another guy, and I believe I responded supportively and nonjudgmentally. It wasn’t like I thought he was going to actually cheat on me, let alone with a man. I just thought it was a fantasy. I have fantasies of my own that I would never act out.

He doesn’t know I saw his phone, and I don’t know how to confront him about it all. I can’t imagine living with this information and just waiting for him to bring it up himself. Can we work through this? —Dazed and Confused

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Dazed,

It sounds like there are a couple of issues to tackle here. I hear your concerns about your husband’s sexual orientation, and I also hear some deep pain at the prospect of his cheating or being dishonest with you. Both sound like they are causing you significant distress.

I’d like to start first with the cheating issue. The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating and hard to come back from. No matter the circumstances, if you fear your husband has been unfaithful, or is even considering being unfaithful, that is a painful feeling to sit with. Staying silent is not likely to bring peace of mind. Waiting for him to bring it up leaves you in a holding pattern that can make you feel powerless. Confronting him, however, brings its own set of fears. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who can help you navigate through all of this with you as you decide what path to follow.

If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

As to your original concern, wondering if your husband is gay, that lends an additional layer of complexity to your situation. If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

Regardless, right now you are operating on suspicions, but without bringing your husband into the conversation there’s a huge missing piece. Perhaps he is, in fact, gay. Perhaps he wants to stay married and start a family, and also explore relationships with men. Without talking with him, you won’t know what he is thinking, which leaves you trying to respond to a situation with incomplete information.

You do have an opportunity to decide for yourself what your limits are and what you need in order to feel able to stay in a relationship with your husband. Talking with a therapist can help you gain clarity about what your needs and boundaries are. As for your final question—can you work through it?—that depends entirely on the two of you and whether your relationship can meet both of your needs. Figuring that out will require open and honest conversations, perhaps with a counselor who has worked with couples facing similar issues.

Best of luck,

Erika

I hear from so many men and women whose marriages and relationships are in crisis. “How did I get here?” they wonder. We all know it takes two to tango. What we may overlook is our ability to ignore warning signs. Upon further analysis of the relationship in counseling, we may wonder what messages we missed and what we can learn from them.

Take, for instance, the woman who is thinking of divorce because she found out her husband is having an affair, one of many she has recently discovered. While her husband’s behavior and choices lend evidence to his lack of respect for her, we can also find small clues along the way that she may have dismissed—red flags, if you will, signaling danger.

One night, a few years back, her husband was on the phone late at night. When she asked who he was talking to, he gave a general answer about work. She immediately felt the hairs on the back of her neck go up, and her stomach flip-flopped. She had an intuitive feeling he was not being truthful. In order to keep the peace, however, she said nothing further.

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The next time she felt that same distressing sense, he did not call her for his nightly check-in when he was on a business trip. She had already been uneasy that he was going to dinner with both female and male colleagues and having after-dinner drinks. When he didn’t call her as usual, she called him but got no answer. She texted him but got no answer. She stayed up extra late to wait for his response, but it didn’t come. A nagging feeling told her something wasn’t right, but when he came home and minimized the missed calls and texts as her “overreacting,” she felt foolish for thinking anything could be wrong with their relationship.

Another time, she found a gift of female lingerie in her husband’s gym bag. She chose to say nothing, hoping the lingerie would wind up being a surprise for her. She waited. And waited. She eventually brought it up and received a strange answer that didn’t sit well with her, nor make any sense. Yet she ignored her feeling that danger was near.

When she eventually found out he was having affairs, she exclaimed, “I knew it!”

So why do we ignore the red flags in our relationships? I think there are several answers, and all of them are complicated by love, devotion, and sacrifice.

Often, we don’t want to know the truth. We would have to change something—our lives, the place we live, our finances, perhaps even ourselves—if we found out the truth.

First, we ignore red flags because we are afraid they are telling the true, painful story. We may ask questions of our partner about their behavior and receive answers, but we leave the answers alone even if they don’t quite fit. Often, we don’t want to know the truth. We would have to change something—our lives, the place we live, our finances, perhaps even ourselves—if we found out the truth. That can simply be too exhausting to think about. Even if we are certain it’s happening, we don’t want our partner to say they are having an affair because of what that would mean for us, our families, and our lives.

Second, we ignore red flags because we think our intuition is wrong. It simply cannot be right. So we engage in denial and carry on as if nothing is wrong because it’s easier to deny than to go through the pain of conflict. Surely your beloved partner would NEVER do that to you, right? They vowed they wouldn’t. We ignore our gut feelings, signs of disconnection, inappropriate conversations, and foggy details. We assume, after hearing our partner’s explanation, that we must be “crazy” and their explanation is the complete truth. Challenging our intuition is a dangerous game because it blocks us from knowing primal truths.

Third, we ignore red flags because we have been indoctrinated to believe that marriage and committed relationships are hard work. As a couple, you are supposed to struggle and compromise, right? Marriage and relationships are indeed hard work, but they shouldn’t be so hard that you feel disrespected and at war with your own intuition.

When I ask people in counseling, “What red flags did you choose to ignore?” most often I get a puzzled expression that turns into a knowing look and then to acknowledgment. Upon reflection, most of us know what we ignored and allowed.

For a clearer picture of your relational distress, ask yourself what you are ignoring and denying. Are you brave enough to see the red flags? And finally, do you have the courage to do the arduous work of repair or healing?

I’m always happy when couples tell me they’ve been together for 30 or 40 years, even if they happen to be in my office because of a relationship issue. Like aging, relationship issues are inevitable. I like to talk with these enduring couples about what’s kept them going, kept them connected, and where they’ve struggled. I’ve learned that there are some issues that are common to long-term relationships. Some of these are related to life stages—the challenges of aging, changing, medical issues, and the like.

Growing Apart

When you’re young and newly married, it can seem like what you feel and think is going to be the way you’ll always feel and think. Then life happens—education, careers, kids. Time passes. Your focus changes and you concentrate more on outside things and less on your relationship. You get into a routine, devote your energy to simply getting done what needs done, and the playfulness and fun go out of your day-to-day interactions. You aren’t intimately connecting the way you used to.

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Fast forward 10, 12, or 15 years. All of a sudden you see your life and your life partner differently. Your giddy young love has changed into something you don’t recognize. You feel isolated, walled off, and unsure how to reach out to your partner. You’re each living your own separate life despite sharing a home. You’ve grown apart.

Life Stages and Aging

Everyone handles different life stages in their own unique way. For some, aging is a breeze, even welcomed; for others, not so much. Our self-image and feelings about our bodies can change. Sexuality and our physical abilities change. Even our identity may change.

We don’t feel the same at 45 as we did at 25. At 65, we often wish we felt like we did at 45.

Many couples are unprepared for these changes, and if they’re not talked about, they can cause partners to begin to pull away from one another. Medical issues, menopause, and physical changes can also affect our interactions with a partner.

Keeping Your Connection

So how do we deal with the issues of aging, life stages, and time in a long-term relationship? How do we keep the closeness and connection we had at the beginning? Communication is crucial.

Many couples are unprepared for these changes, and if they’re not talked about, they can cause partners to begin to pull away from one another.

Stay close with your partner by talking as best friends and confidants. Share your worries and fears about the stages of life you’re entering. Open up with each other about how things are changing in your minds and bodies.

Talk about how your relationship is changing, too. Plan together. Take time to dream about what life will be like in the future. What you will do when the kids move out? Will you travel? Take a class together? Take up a new hobby?

Be curious about your partner’s feelings about the changes that come with aging. Adapt to your changing physicality and sexuality. Focus on one another, excluding outside influences, routines, and demands. Make it about your relationship. Be in it together.

Realize that your love has many facets and you need to stay on the same page in all of them. Be vulnerable, show your partner your authentic self, and determine to never give up on yourselves as a couple. Never lose sight of the friendship, kindness, companionship, and playfulness that has allowed you to be together all these years.

Changes are inevitable, but they don’t have to change your relationship for the worse. Consciously choose to move forward together, no matter what the future may hold.

What’s “falling in love” anyway?

It has two components:

Part one: How the other person makes you feel about yourself.

Part two: How you feel about the other person.

These two parts are inextricably bound up together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows from part one. Here’s why:

The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

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So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they don’t know you. Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you. Knowing the other person, genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy. So you have allowed one person into your inner world, in the course of being together, and each step of the way you felt understood. This person, in return, continues to be intrigued by that process of knowing you, and wants more.

What could be a better experience than that?

That is part one (how your partner makes you feel). You feel exhilarated because after carefully letting down your guard to someone, this person has appreciated having been given the tremendous gift of you. Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this. As you let him or her into your private self, your partner did the same. And what did you find inside your partner’s heart and soul? A self that is very similar to yours!

Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more. That’s part two (how you feel about your partner).

(Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)

So what’s “falling out of love”? The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent. Your spouse might be hurt, too.

Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a long time. You may have had children together. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again? You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t there. What can you do?

My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backward from the way it was the first time.

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.

Here are some steps that you both can take:

1. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. He/she must acquire the skill of patience. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

2. You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed.

3. This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon. Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

4. Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process. There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.

5. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

What’s the upside of this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a family. It’s something rich and mature that you can’t feel the first time around: It’s a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person.