couple with intimacy issuesThere is a prevailing belief in today’s culture that men are sexual carnivores and women aren’t often in the mood. Quite often, though, women have the higher desire in heterosexual relationships.

Men and women alike may feel embarrassed if the male has a lower libido than the female partner. Men may feel emasculated, and women may not feel beautiful or sexy.

It’s important for women to know that there are many reasons a man’s libido may wane. According to a study summarized in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, up to 12% of adult males experience low libido because of androgen deficiency, with age and the added medical conditions that come with it being risk factors.

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As Dr. Edward Laumann states in his research, women’s drive is affected substantially by environmental factors (such as relationship, mood, age, self-esteem, body image, work issues, family issues, even weather). Similarly, men’s sex drive can be affected by stress (particularly at work), depression, substance abuse, hormone imbalance, medical issues, and aging, among other factors.

If you find that you are initiating sex a lot with your male partner or are feeling like his libido has dropped, here are some tips to deal with the situation:

  1. Don’t take it personally. As can be the case with women, a man’s libido may be tied to self-esteem, body image, performance at work, finances, and ability to provide for the family. Your man may be feeling down about himself, he may be stressed at the office, or he may be feeling inadequate for some reason. Simple, loving compliments can boost his confidence and self-esteem; tell him, perhaps, how amazing he is, how much you love him, how much you want him, etc.
  2. If you initiate and are successful, give plenty of positive feedback and praise. This may make him more likely to initiate or be interested again.
  3. If you initiate and he turns you down, try to let it go. Accept his decision and maybe give him a kiss goodnight. Don’t argue or get upset or passive aggressive with him. It’s fine to ask if everything’s OK or if he wants to talk, but don’t harp on it. It’s not the right time to have a serious conversation about it.
  4. Try something different. If your relationship is in a rut or things are getting a bit stale or boring, try something new that might excite him. You might ask him if anything in particular would appeal to him.
  5. Touch him affectionately without expecting or asking for sex. Just enjoy the experience and don’t get too caught up in who initiated it. Being goal oriented may lead to him feeling pressured, and you feeling rejected, if sex does not follow. Focus on enjoying the physical intimacy and increasing your pleasure and connection in the moment.
  6. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to engage him in a conversation when you’re alone but not in the moment. He may have no idea that you feel rejected; he may simply be wrapped up in whatever’s going on with him. Talking might tune him in to your feelings and needs.
  7. Ask him how he feels and what might be affecting his interest level. Perhaps he’ll share that he has been stressed by an assignment at work. Perhaps he’s experiencing depression. Showing concern will help you both by providing him with empathy and support while reducing your self-conscious thoughts.
  8. Understand that no two people have the same level of desire. Most couples have a difference in desire levels. Talk to him about your desire patterns and find a way to meet in the middle with regard to sexual intimacy. With communication and understanding, partners can learn what sexual intimacy means to the other person.

If the preceding tips don’t seem to help, consider seeking the help of a sex therapist to help address the root of the issue.

References:

  1. Araujo, A.B, O’Donnell, A.B, Brambilla, D.J., Simpson, W.B, Longcope, C., Matsumoto, A.M., and McKinlay, J.B. (2004). Prevalence and Incidence of Androgen Deficiency in Middle-Aged and Older Men: Estimates from the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, Vol 89(12), 5920-5926.
  2. Laumann, Edward. (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press.

Rear view distance photo of couple holding hands leaning apart while running through sand on beachMarriage symbolizes the beginning of a (hopefully) lifelong commitment, so it makes sense couples tend to spend a lot of time and energy preparing for this milestone. Yet, while many engaged couples take their time researching the dos and don’ts of diamond buying, some do not spend enough time preparing for the inevitable difficult times they will experience while married.

Understanding how to better manage conflict is important not only for the well-being of a relationship, but also for each partner’s physical health. Unfortunately, couples often neglect to consider the “Four Cs” of conflict that are also predictors of divorce. Unlike the four Cs of diamonds (carat weight, cut, color, clarity), the “Four Cs” in this article are an adaptation of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—a theory that has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict divorce with about 91% accuracy.

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1. Criticism (Attacking Your Partner’s Character)

When we make a complaint, offer a suggestion, or simply make a request, it is important to be conscious of how we let our partners know what is bothering us or what we need them to do differently. Using a harsh approach or cutting words, versus owning our reactions and feelings and stating what we need, can make all the difference in how our partners respond.

Let’s say, for example, your partner is running late to an important dinner and you are feeling frustrated and maybe even disrespected. It would be easy to say something like, “You’re never on time. Why are you so inconsiderate?” While frustration is understandable, it is not likely you will receive a warm, apologetic response. Using absolute terms such as “always” and “never” tends to imply an attack on the other’s character rather than being specific to the situation.

This is the hallmark difference between a complaint and a criticism. Using language that feels like an attack rarely yields a pleasant or desired response.

2. Counterattack (Defensiveness)

It is an almost innately human response to counter a critical remark with some effort to defend ourselves. When someone shoots a verbal arrow at us, it seems intuitive to put up a shield. However, this response typically only perpetuates the cycle of conflict because it sends the underlying message the other person is the problem, not us. Thus, our partners may respond to our defensiveness with more criticism—or worse.

3. Contempt (the Best Predictor of Divorce)

Contempt refers to one partner’s attempts to appear superior to the other. It can include name-calling (“you are such an idiot!”), using humor in a hostile manner, sarcasm, mocking, and eye-rolling. When contempt becomes present in conflict, it is typically the result of deeply held negative feelings about the other that perhaps have not been expressed or acknowledged and addressed. The inherent message is one of disgust and discontent.

Contempt acts as a corrosive agent in relationships. A relationship cannot survive if it is continuously riddled with contempt. Every effort should be made by both partners to make sure it does not become part of the conflict cycle. Contempt is also dangerous because research suggests not only is it a predictor of divorce, but more physical health issues as well.

4. Complete Withdrawal (Stonewalling)

What often follows the pattern of criticism-defensiveness-contempt is a response called flooding, which implies a level of physical arousal that typically derails any attempt to communicate effectively. Flooding, in short, is the body switching into fight-or-flight mode, in which the sympathetic nervous system ramps us up as if we are facing physical danger. This typically looks like a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and eventually leads to the fourth “C,” complete withdrawal (or, as Dr. Gottman terms it, stonewalling).

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

When we get to a point of feeling flooded, our physical symptoms take over and we become physically unable to respond to our partner in a way that promotes effective communication or de-escalation of the conflict. Our energy becomes directed toward self-soothing and self-protective withdrawal. However, this state of great distress often goes unnoticed by our partners. This is not a fault of them being oblivious; flooding and subsequent stonewalling (complete withdrawal) often appear as someone sitting quietly and calmly but disengaged. Because the distress goes unnoticed, it is easy for the non-flooded partner to interpret the withdrawal as malicious intent to end the conversation. This can result in continued attacks (criticism) or even contempt, causing further damage to the relationship.

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

How to Intervene Before the ‘Four Cs’ Take Hold

Here are some strategies to try in order to prevent the “Four Cs” from taking hold in your relationship:

If you and your partner are struggling with any of these issues, don’t wait until they cause problems in your marriage to seek help. Consult a licensed couples counselor in your area.

References:

  1. Gottman, J. M. (2014). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press.
  2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

GoodTherapy | Apologizing with Intention: 4 Reasons Your Apology Didn’t WorkRecently, I sat in session with a married couple named Dara and Mike. Speaking to one of the issues that brought them to therapy, Dara said, “Every time I tell him I don’t feel like a priority, he tells me it’s not true. Yet, he never spends any time with me.”

Dara began to tear up. I asked her what she felt in that moment. “Lonely,” she responded.

I turned to Mike and asked him, “What is it like for you to hear Dara say this makes her feel lonely?”

He turned to her and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That wasn’t my intention.”

Imagine a beautiful song on a record player suddenly coming to a screeching halt. What happened here?

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As an intimacy breakthrough specialist, I can deconstruct this moment in many different ways. For this article, I’m going to focus specifically on Mike’s apology.

I promptly asked Mike, “Mike, what are YOU feeling right now?”

“Nothing,” he replied.

“Let’s talk about that,” I said.

Mike and I talked about four common mistakes partners make when apologizing.

Mistake No. 1

Your apology feels meaningless when you speak from a place of defense.

Including the words “I’m sorry” in your statement of an apology is not nearly enough. Mike’s apology proved ineffective. While he claims to have not felt anything, he more likely felt defensive and did not realize it. Defensiveness shut him down to what his wife was feeling. As a result, his apology did not feel sincere or heartfelt to Dara.

Mistake No. 2

Your apology lacks accountability when you focus on how your partner feels instead of what you did.

Mike phrased his apology as, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Notice how his apology focuses on Dara. It says nothing about him or his actions. It is as if he is making her feel bad for having her feelings, rather than focusing on how he has influenced those feelings. Basically, it’s an apology cop-out.

Mistake No. 3

Your apology feels empty and disconnected when you lack empathy.

When I asked Mike what he felt, he said, “Nothing.” Defense likely kept him from feeling sadness or any form of genuine empathy for Dara. Empathy required Mike to feel what Dara felt. If he allowed himself to look into her eyes, to see her tears, to connect to his own sadness and loneliness, he might have better understood Dara’s feelings. He then could have offered a more caring and meaningful response.

Mistake No. 4

Your apology focuses on intention and not consequences.

Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

I can recall specific times I have made this mistake. Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

Through our conversation, Mike quickly realized how and why Dara did not accept his apology. Once he dropped his defensive stance, he tuned into her more and allowed himself to step into his more difficult feelings of sadness. He finally connected to Dara’s pain and offered a genuine and sincere apology.

Dara felt his empathy and accepted his words. Their shared sadness helped them connect to their mutual vulnerability. This connection gave them a moment of true intimacy.

Conclusion

If you think you’ve apologized to someone and you can’t figure out why they won’t just “let it go,” check to see if your apology makes any of the four common mistakes above. If so, see if you can better align with your partner emotionally so you can truly understand their perspective. Drop your defenses and take an honest assessment of your actions. If you find that, yes, your partner’s perspective has a grain of truth, apologize for your part in it. For real.

Note: Names in the preceding account were changed to protect confidentiality.

Happy couple looks at each other, leaning in close to kiss in front of open laptopWhat makes couples therapy successful? I’ve see couples move from relationship nightmare to healthy and happy within six months of counseling. In many cases, by the time the couple ends up in the therapist’s office, they have been struggling for at least a year trying to fix issues on their own, or avoiding them. Therapy is often seen as a last resort.

Couples who are successful in this process have several things in common that help them fully benefit from therapy. Here are four ways you and your partner can set yourselves up for success:

1. Be All-In with the Process

Whether therapy is your first stop or a final attempt to salvage the relationship before giving up, in order to make it worthwhile, I ask that couples give it their best effort. This can be difficult if you’ve been to other therapists or tried different solutions without success. You may be feeling frustrated, resentful, or defeated.

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John Gottman’s extensive research on what makes relationships successful shows the four most destructive forces in a relationship are defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. From my experience, when any of these factors is present in the therapy room, it significantly impedes progress. All couples have conflict. It is how you manage that conflict that determines the outcome. Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls. In some cases, it takes time for couples to be able to do so because of ongoing conflicts, past hurts, and distrust. In these cases, it is important to focus on the trust and healing first, so that reconciliation can occur.

2. Come with an Open Mind

You may feel you’ve tried everything. You may have had countless conversations or arguments with your partner, researched the issue online, talked to friends, and tried different approaches. You may be skeptical of therapy, or simply skeptical as to whether your problems can be overcome in a way that satisfies both of you.

It is always possible your problems can’t or won’t be overcome. In some cases, a couple may determine their relationship is no longer healthy or compatible and decide to consciously uncouple. However, these are the minority of cases. In most situations, the problem is solvable. In therapy, you will be asked to suspend your disbelief and be open to the possible benefits from the techniques used in therapy. This may include communication exercises, intimacy homework, referral to medical providers, and considering new ways of framing your issue. Therapists use evidence-based methods that have a track record of success. When people are courageous by being open to the process, they can benefit from therapy interventions.

3. Prioritize Your Appointments

Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls.

It is important that couples commit to at least two therapy sessions per month for six months. This commitment serves two functions. First, it provides a chance for the therapy to work. We all wish there was a magic wand that would make our problems go away. Unfortunately, no one has one. However, we each have the ability to make positive changes, and therapy can help with that process—it just takes time. In my experience, it takes a minimum of 12 sessions for sustainable change to occur.

The second reason to prioritize your appointments: it communicates to yourself and your partner the relationship is worth it. Couples may be juggling work, school, family, and other responsibilities. Fitting therapy appointments into that can be a challenge, both logistically and financially. However, when couples find a way to make it work, they can benefit greatly.

4. Do the Homework!

The purpose of therapy is not to learn how to interact perfectly while in the therapist’s office; that is often the easiest part! The purpose of therapy is to learn how to interact in real time—to be able to navigate obstacles and conflict as they arise, in the midst of daily life.

I often assign couples the homework of having one to two intimacy dates per week. This is a planned time in which they set aside other demands and focus solely on each other. The couple uses this time to focus on applying what was learned in therapy. The homework will differ depending on your particular issue. However, what is true for all couples is practice makes “perfect.” Brain research shows the more we practice new ways of thinking and responding, the easier it becomes. Neural pathways in the brain are similar to muscles: the more you work them, the stronger they become. Neural memory develops, and with time, the new ways of relating to one another learned in therapy may become second nature.

Conclusion

Couples therapy is an excellent resource that helps many couples overcome challenges. Certain factors can help make therapy successful. Those factors include committing fully to the process, having an open mind, prioritizing appointments, and doing the homework. Seeing a therapist takes courage and dedication, and may prove life changing.

References:

  1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
  2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  3. Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Two office workers have their heads close together over desk, smiling at each otherWorkplace affairs are on the rise. Research indicates that from 1982 to 1990, 38% of unfaithful wives had affairs starting at work. From 1991 to 2000, 50% of unfaithful wives began an affair at work. Psychologist and marriage and family therapist Shirley Glass, PhD, reports that 46% of unfaithful wives and 62% of unfaithful husbands in her clinical practice had an affair with someone they met through their work (Glass & Staeheli, 2004).

While affairs can begin in a variety of ways, work is one of the most frequently reported settings where infidelity begins. Many people who begin affairs at the office later say, “I didn’t set out to cheat on my partner; it just happened.” Although it may seem as though it “just happened,” there are steps that led up to the infidelity.

Research points to opportunity as a substantial factor in affairs that begin at work. These relationships typically begin with healthy boundaries. When a friendship crosses a line of emotional intimacy, the chances of moving into sexual intimacy increase (Glass & Staeheli, 2004).

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If you think you may have crossed a line with someone at work, ask yourself the following:

If the answer is “yes” to any of these, put a stronger boundary between you and the coworker immediately (Glass & Staeheli, 2004). In the event of an affair, whether begun at work or elsewhere, what next? Partners not involved in the affair often feel hurt and need their hurt acknowledged. The affair might be the most apparent issue, but along with it are issues that left the relationship vulnerable to making poor choices.

Division of labor around the house, sex, and parenting are legitimate relationship issues. If a couple comes to counseling at this stage, the focus can immediately be on these topics. Sometimes one or both partners give an illegitimate response to legitimate issues. Domestic violence, substance abuse, and affairs are examples of illegitimate responses. In these cases, the illegitimate response temporarily negates the legitimate issues because the illegitimate response is so big.

The affair might be the most apparent issue, but along with it are issues that left the relationship vulnerable to making poor choices.

The partner who responded to legitimate concerns with an affair is responsible for owning the fact the focus is going to be on the affair for a period of time before the legitimate issues can be addressed. This takes courage because it is not easy to listen to the betrayed partner explain how the affair hurt them. Likewise, some people who have had an affair may be unwilling to be an open book to their partner for however long it takes to rebuild trust. Yet, these are important steps toward healing.

While some couples dig in and work through an affair and the issues preceding it, others find it easier to leave. In some cases, they leave for the person they had an affair with. But only a small percentage of relationships that begin as an affair last. Unresolved contributions to a failed relationship leave a person prone to make the same mistakes in future relationships.

What to Look for in a Couples Therapist

If you or your partner have engaged in an affair and are considering counseling, or have tried counseling before and felt it went nowhere, look for the following in a therapist as suggested by Glass and Staeheli (2004):

It is harder to take our own inventory than it is to take someone else’s. It is harder still to work on our own issues with honesty and self-compassion. But if each partner focuses on themselves, the chances are greater the couple will rebuild trust and intimacy. If you believe your partnership is vulnerable to infidelity or has already experienced it, contact a licensed couples counselor.

Reference:

Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. C. (2004). Not just friends. New York, NY: Atria Books.

A couple looking at each other lovingly in white blankets in bed touches palms. smiling at each otherEditor’s note: This article is the second in a two-part series. See Part 1: Opposing Attachment Styles.

The conflict is both a fight for and a protection against intimacy.

If we can hold others only as much as we have held ourselves, then we will tend to connect with others who have a comparable capacity for internal discomfort—those at a similar distance from secure attachment. Clinging and avoiding represent methods of maintaining a comfortable distance from intimacy. While we may hate a partner’s method, we also depend on it. We are drawn to it.

The Never-Ending Conflict

The abandoned side says: “If they would just stay and assure me, I would be calm in a minute.”

The oppressed side says: “If they would just calm down and stop attacking, I would be able to stay present with them.”

As conflict approaches, we switch states.

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Dependence and conflict are the primary ingredients required for attachment reenactment. After a certain level of intimacy is reached in the relationship—once we begin relying emotionally on a partner—the relationship begins to take on a new shape. This new shape looks very much like our relationship with one or more primary attachment figures. The anxious side feels an urgent, physically activating preparation for abandonment in the moment, and the avoidant side feels oppressed, trapped, unable to move, unable to choose their own life—both yearning and resigned.

Extremes polarize. If either side relaxes, comes closer to the middle, the other does as well. Either person has an opportunity to end this dance. And in the middle of biological survival reactions, that awareness disappears. Without access to present-moment resources, living in child states, we react not to our partners but to our parents, to the embodied memories of our caregivers.

The Self-Perpetuating Loop

Sometimes it feels like a role in which we’re trapped. Each character plays out a set of cued reactions so rehearsed and precise they may as well have been written in a script.

The avoidant side is well-aware of self but less practiced at communicating internal events (thoughts, sensations, emotions) to other. The anxious side is better at communicating but less aware of internal events, less able to meet them and talk about them objectively without becoming caught up in the physical activation of the emotions.

Conflicts in this relational pattern tend be more drawn out and feel less productive. One side becomes the pursuer, amplifying to draw positive attention, the other the distancer, disengaging to avoid negative attention—together playing out an endlessly retraumatizing dance.

In therapy, the gift is this: coming to a place where either the breakup or continuation feels healthy for both, where each side believes at a physical level they are okay, that the story makes sense, that closure has been found and each person knows how to move forward in gentle compassion for both self and other.

The avoidant side demands less fight, says they cannot remain present in conflict, uses abandonment as a tool, a weapon (“the silent treatment”)—the only thing their partner can hear. The anxious side says they feel like they’re walking on eggshells, unable to expect their partner to remain present with emotional expressions (anger, volume). Each side feels unseen, invalidated, unacceptable (often perceived as a confirmation of the same feelings experienced in childhood).

Fighting styles stay true to attachment styles and survival strategies.

Those on the anxious side tend to amplify, land fully in emotion, demand support, and may be more likely to fight physically, even “small” physical contacts like pinching or blocking a path of escape. Over time, these “small” assaults can escalate.

Those on the avoidant side may be more likely to diminish, freeze, land as far as possible from the emotion, even dissociate. They may remain rigid, stoic, and resentful, wishing their partner might “get it” and end the attack, release the freeze. (“Can’t they see I’m trapped and helpless?”) They tend to fight in ways that are less visible—ways which often feel manipulative, invalidating, and “crazy”-making to the more-direct anxious side. They may placate, deflect, and even gaslight their partners in order to find freedom and self, to regulate their bodies once again as they get away from seemingly endless and fruitless conflict.

Grieving the Fantasy of the Perfect Union

Both sides in this dance carry fantasy and fear, wanting their partner to meet them in a selfless way—to meet their emotions with perfect attunement and empathy and to help them calm their body.

The wished-for scenario is available only in the domain of one-sided attachment (i.e., parent-child relationship). While a version of it can happen in therapy, it is not romantic, nor committed long-term outside of the therapy room. Healthy romantic relationship requires internal connection and acceptance so partners are no longer expected or wished to act as parents—to fulfill a long-unmet need.

Romantic relationships present an inherently bidirectional dependence. In an adult romantic relationship, each side shares control, and each is responsible for their own growth, for communicating their needs, for making choices about the relationship, for finding purpose and support outside of the relationship as well as within it. If either partner stops growing on their own, the relationship stagnates. If either side becomes overly dependent on the other, resentment may build and the relationship may become burdened and tumultuous.

Healing Approaches

In relationship, some of the healing can take place in the way we meet our partners:

Individually, much of the healing comes down to awareness and ownership, learning to be and stay with each internal emotion, to meet it with a gentle compassion, with the same warm eyes you would use to meet a child or a loved pet. In those moments where you look back through the generations of your family and see these relational/emotional patterns playing out, stay with that. Feel it in your body. Honor the real and present experience of a racer who has been passed a generational baton and has nowhere to run.

Break Up or Continue On?

This relationship can work, if both sides:

And, in the end, rather than staying in the relationship out of fear; because a partner completes a missing skill set; by default to maintain status quo and conserve energy; because the intimacy in approaching the moment of breaking up is too high; or because the pain of rejecting your partner (sometimes pain in you that you project onto them) feels unbearable (sometimes forcing dissociation at the thought of breakup), understand this relationship does not have to work. By the time each partner has processed childhood pains and come to see this dance for what it is, the end of this pattern may really feel okay. In fact, if either person has changed, they may lose that intoxicating draw to this pattern. It will just no longer feel attractive, “passionate,” or necessary.

Once we grieve what was missing—once we stop fighting against the reality of it and the seemingly unbearable emotion of it—we are no longer attracted to the same cycle. Some people find the attachment trauma was in fact the only thing they had in common, that they needed to come together to heal each other, that they feel at peace with the idea of parting ways and sending love. Some view it as a lesson they needed to learn or a new version of self that they had to “hurt into.”

From a natural-growth perspective, the parts of us that seek out this pattern do so for a reason. If we have been unable to “be with” our pain—if we have inherited or developed “adult” identities that abandon or attack the parts of self that hurt—then the continual reenactment of relational patterns forces us back into opportunities to meet the pain, to meet the child in us, to finally witness it with different eyes, and to understand what that difference really means. It’s as if the child in us is saying, “This! Right here! This feeling right here—the emotions, the sensations in your body, the instinct to panic or disappear: THIS IS WHAT I FELT! For years! This was real. This happened. Nobody noticed. See me. Be with me. Meet me the way I’ve wanted to be met.”

In therapy, the gift is this: coming to a place where either the breakup or continuation feels healthy for both, where each side believes at a physical level they are okay, that the story makes sense, that closure has been found and each person knows how to move forward in gentle compassion for both self and other. If you’re not sure how to get there, contact a licensed therapist for guidance.

References:

  1. Caldwell, J. G., & Shaver, P. R. (2014). Promoting attachment-related mindfulness and compassion: A wait-list-controlled study of women who were mistreated during childhood. Mindfulness, 6(3), 624-636. doi:10.1007/s12671-014-0298-y
  2. Dekel, S., & Farber, B.A. (2012). Models of Intimacy of Securely and Avoidantly Attached Young Adults. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 200(2): 156 doi:10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182439702
  3. Simpson, et al. (2009). Attachment working models twist memories of relationship events. Psychological Science; doi:10.1177/0956797609357175
  4. Tatkin, S. (2009). Addiction to “alone time”: avoidant attachment, narcissism, and a one‐person psychology within a two‐person psychological system. The Therapist, 57(January‐February). Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Addiction-to-Alone-Time.pdf
  5. Tatkin, S. (2009). The plight of the avoidantly attached partner in couples therapy. New Therapist 62, 10-16. Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf
  6. Tatkin, S. (2011). Allergic to hope: Angry resistant attachment and a one-person psychology within a two-person psychological system. Psychotherapy in Australia, 18(1), 66-73. Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Allergic-to-Hope_Tatkin.pdf

Young couple in conflict face off on fuchsia sofa. Room is done in bright colors. Editor’s note: This article is the first in a two-part series. See Part 2: A Built-In Path to Healing.

Few of us might consider pain a gift.

To be clear: Relational trauma/abuse is not earned, not to be pursued, and is not being repainted here in a woo-woo, positive light. Pain becomes a gift in retrospect, in the intentional building of a story over time that allows us a sense of redemption from an old story of blame or grief. In the present, pain alerts us to problems and can potentially orient us toward solutions. Repeated pain—the exact same sensation felt over and over—can become a revelation, and in this way can bring a sense of control, a chance to step away from an excruciating pattern.

Do a Google search for “toxic relationship” or “anxious-avoidant trap” and this is what comes up: one particular relational pattern that couples therapists see so often it can feel cliché—a pattern deceptively invisible when you’re in the midst of it. Beneath the standard problems—finances, mess in the home, use of time, how to discipline the kids—lies this incredibly common pattern.

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A good portion of us are living in worlds our partners cannot see—worlds driven by either abandonment or oppression. We are either fighting to move toward others—asking them to relieve the feeling of abandonment and regulate our bodies—or we are struggling to balance self and other, unsure how to unite without losing self, aware that when alone we can feel both lonely and physically regulated. The most avoidant among us, while perhaps giving up on the possibility (or dissociating from it most of the time), still desire connection outside of self.

When these two opposing extremes meet, it can feel electrifying. The child in one sees the other and says at some unconscious level, “There is a consistent person. Now I will be cared for. Now I can relax.” The child in the other says, “There is another child, like me, someone who will not control me. Now I will be safe.”

Over time, though, once a certain level of intimacy and dependence has been attained, the one wanting to feel cared for begins to feel abandoned, and the one wanting to avoid oppression realizes they have re-created their childhood. They have found yet another person who cannot meet their needs, another person who is not really attuned and is instead distracted by their own panic, continuing the belief of the oppressed: “I am alone. I have to be self-sufficient. I cannot count on my partner.” So, they’ll pull away and say with resentment, “Take care of yourself. I have to.” And the dance begins.

The following profiles of “opposing” attachment styles represent extremes. Life is rarely as cut-and-dried or black-and-white as any article. We all carry different traumas in different biological vessels, and we internalize the worldviews of multiple attachment figures (including parents or caregivers; family, friends, or relatives; partners; and therapists) throughout life.

The Abandoned: Mobilized and Fighting to Reconnect

Those who perceive themselves as abandoned may be more likely to ruminate on relationship issues above all else. They may be more likely to reach out, to draw (or demand) attention, even to create drama in order to elicit a wished-for response from others—a response that, when given, has nowhere to land. They may seek assurance while at the same time appearing unable to hear the reassurance given.

Self-abandoned in moments of intense emotion, many are unable to fully take in present-moment interactions. This sets up a kind of short-circuit that, especially in moments of panic-driven attack, perpetuates a loop of conflict and helplessness for all parties involved.

Outside of conflict, those landing on the anxious side bring needed energy into the relationship. They are generally better at talking (or at least more willing), and they use that role to bring more social movement into any relationship, in many ways keeping their partner from getting stuck in isolation (though their avoidant partner may fight them on this). They are also quite willing to do whatever it takes to preserve the relationship. They may hold any blame for relationship problems—blame and judgment their avoidant partner deflects because it feels too threatening to hold. The oppressed partner deflects while the abandoned partner willingly catches.

In the abandoned-oppressed relationship, the anxious (abandoned) role serves as the inhale: energy up, excitement and play, confrontation.

Those on the anxious side often see themselves as pursuing love “the way love is supposed to be”: never abandoning one another, sharing everything, never alone.

The Oppressed: Immobilized and Waiting for Safety (Alone), Permission (Relationship)

If one were to install a hidden camera in the home of an oppressed-abandoned couple, they might see a dramatic difference in behavior when the oppressed partner is alone. Many people do not realize the lengths to which someone on the avoidant (oppressed) side of attachment will go to maintain invisibility. They may just close the curtains more often, walk softer, use a quieter voice, smile to elicit safety, or remain blank-faced to avoid engagement. They may simply communicate less or keep more aspects of life secret. Many will make dinner after a partner or roommate goes to bed. To avoid arguments and “legitimize” their lack of response or conversation, some may not pay phone bills. Some may exaggerate their work schedule rather than simply asking for alone time. They may apply for lesser jobs that avoid the spotlight or become “driven” in work, living in constant effort to prove themselves and avoid judgment. They may say “I love you” when in reality they are dissociated from any emotion, because they are quite familiar with dissociation as a way of life, and for them it is easier to placate others than to face conflict and “waste time.”

When things get too close and comfortable, the anxious side stops chasing, questions, or may sabotage. At least there is control in when the “inevitable” abandonment happens. Conversely, when things get too distant, the avoidant has been known to switch tactics, even take over the pursuer role. A tolerable level of intimacy/distance is maintained between the strategies of both extremes.

To be fair, sometimes the initial rush of unseen movement is simply getting the to-do list done as quickly as possible (in the absence of an audience) in order to return to a more subdued state and possible self-regulation.

Time is often precious on this end of attachment—partially because the person lives a half-life, hibernating in the presence of others. If the abandoned side fears abandonment, the oppressed side accepts it as truth, believes they are alone, without enough support or resources to survive, and resentful of those asking to share their already insufficient resources. From the outside perspective, self-sufficiency is chosen. As the avoidant, there is no perceived choice. It is a natural reaction to a world in which need was not allowed or may have been outright punished.

There is an often marked conservation of resources on this side of attachment—a planned and monitored rationing of time, space, finances, etc. This is self-sufficient, unsupported life, and its accompanying sense of scarcity and fatalism—a frozen mix of giving up and hanging on, not taking chances, not committing to anything long-term, even hoarding what little is held. At the outer extremes, those on the avoidant side are generally well-practiced at self-denial and rationing, often resentful of a partner who seems more frivolous—a partner who lives a bit more carefree, as if there is support out there in the world, as if there is not constant judgment and anger reflected in the world.

Most often raised in a home where emotions were not reflected, those on the oppressed side remain attuned to lack of attunement from others—sometimes subconsciously wishing their partner would notice when something is wrong so it need not be spoken. Asking for help feels too vulnerable, even if the wish for help feels intense and lifelong. Behind all the blaming, deflecting, and lack of disclosure lies an intense fear of oppression and rejection—a belief communication with a partner is like giving that partner a weapon. Asking someone on the avoidant side how they are feeling can easily be perceived as entrapment.

Those who lean on avoidant strategies are generally good listeners—sometimes willingly, sometimes with resentment—accustomed to putting aside their own needs to present for others. They tend to be naturally respectful of space and boundaries, and partners often lean on them for grounding. They can be quite attuned to their partner’s needs, fulfilling them without the partner asking or noticing—modeling for their partner the kind of attunement they would like, and then blaming their partner for not noticing.

When not in conflict, the oppressed (avoidant) role serves as the exhale for the relationship: energy down, calming, resignation/acceptance (“let it rest”), renew, repair, recover, conserve (which includes ongoing calculations of available time and energy and explains the draw to the energy possessed by those more anxious).

Those on the avoidant side see themselves as pursuing relationship in a realistic way, believing everyone is alone, safe dependence does not exist, and everyone should take care of their own needs and emotions to avoid burdening others.

The Dynamics of the Dance

The dance is a draining, familiar one for all involved.

The oppressed side sees in an anxious other the exact energy it suppresses in self: the helpless, anxious child. While initially drawn to that energy with a sense of kinship, avoidant strategies automatically attempt to suppress/oppress that energy in the anxious partner as well.

Initially drawn to the security and seemingly consistent attention of their avoidant partner, the anxious side eventually realizes they are losing the intense love they felt in the beginning when their partner was so easily enamored. This triggers more panic, more fight for attention. To the avoidant side, already on guard for signs of oppression, the aggression in that panic feels like control. Disdain builds toward the abandoned, increasing the anxious panic and the avoidant withdrawal.

If either side felt safe in intimacy, this dance would not last. When things get too close and comfortable, the anxious side stops chasing, questions, or may sabotage. At least there is control in when the “inevitable” abandonment happens. Conversely, when things get too distant, the avoidant has been known to switch tactics, even take over the pursuer role. A tolerable level of intimacy/distance is maintained between the strategies of both extremes.

References:

  1. Caldwell, J. G., & Shaver, P. R. (2014). Promoting attachment-related mindfulness and compassion: A wait-list-controlled study of women who were mistreated during childhood. Mindfulness, 6(3), 624-636. doi:10.1007/s12671-014-0298-y
  2. Dekel, S., & Farber, B.A. (2012). Models of Intimacy of Securely and Avoidantly Attached Young Adults. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 200(2): 156 doi:10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182439702
  3. Simpson, et al. (2009). Attachment working models twist memories of relationship events. Psychological Science; doi:10.1177/0956797609357175
  4. Tatkin, S. (2009). Addiction to “alone time”: avoidant attachment, narcissism, and a one‐person psychology within a two‐person psychological system. The Therapist, 57(January‐February). Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Addiction-to-Alone-Time.pdf
  5. Tatkin, S. (2009). The plight of the avoidantly attached partner in couples therapy. New Therapist 62, 10-16. Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf
  6. Tatkin, S. (2011). Allergic to hope: Angry resistant attachment and a one-person psychology within a two-person psychological system. Psychotherapy in Australia, 18(1), 66-73. Retrieved from http://stantatkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Allergic-to-Hope_Tatkin.pdf

Shot of a happy young couple sitting on their bed in pajamasDespite the growing number of sex therapists and sex educators in mental health, coaching, and self-actualization fields, many counseling and social work training programs spend minimal time on sex therapy education, or else include it as a side dish to the core curriculum. This may in part reflect the way our culture continues to view sexuality as separate and distinct from the rest of who we are and how we function socially. All the more reason couples therapists, whatever their specialization, need to consider how sexual dynamics can fuel apparent non-sexual issues such as communication, role expectations, or anger management needs.

Desire discrepancy—a difference in the intensity and frequency of sexual desire—can underlie other seemingly non-sexual couples conflicts, ones that are more socially acceptable or easier to talk about. Take Marie and Jeff, a fictional composite of couples I’ve worked with in my practice. They seek couples counseling because Marie gave Jeff’s second car to charity without his explicit permission and Jeff won’t accept Marie’s apology. During sessions, Jeff remains calm but insists he’s confused and distrustful. He believes Marie is the problem in their relationship. Marie rationalizes her actions. She blames Jeff’s materialism rather than owning up to her anger toward Jeff.

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Attempts to address the couple’s sex life result in responses such as, “We had sex the other night,” or “This isn’t about sex.” Jeff and Marie inadvertently collude with each other to avoid the underlying issue of their sexual dynamic and the shame and fear it triggers, focusing instead on differences in their value systems and communication styles. The couple ends the therapy cycle with Marie promising to respect Jeff’s property and Jeff agreeing to give her another chance.

The couple hasn’t explored the deeper sexual issue. The therapist, trying to walk the line between meeting the couple where they are and challenging them to risk greater authenticity, may end up being too careful in her interventions.

In this hypothetical case, Marie and Jeff return a year later, after Marie has had an affair with a coworker. Jeff is considering a divorce. Now there is no way to avoid talking about sex. Over several sessions, Marie admits to feeling rejected consistently throughout their marriage due to Jeff’s apparent lack of interest in more frequent sex. Most of her ex-boyfriends initiated sexual activities, but Jeff has always seemed content waiting for her to initiate. Even when she initiates, he has sometimes asked for a “rain check.”

Marie admits to having felt hurt, unwanted, and undesirable since their honeymoon. Jeff, who grew up in a strict, religious home and has had far fewer sexual experiences than Marie, admits to feeling sexually conflicted for most of his life. He has coped by masturbating excessively in private. For a year before the affair, he would initiate sex with Marie only when he was drunk. His shame about his sexuality dovetailed with her fear she was undesirable or “too sexual.” Marie’s feelings of anger, hurt, and sexual shame led her to ignore Jeff’s inner emotional reality and to seek validation in an affair.

Unaddressed desire discrepancy and the feelings it can trigger can fuel conflicts in relationships while masquerading as a non-sexual issue. “Some couples avoid conflict by exiting, and others avoid the real issues they want to discuss by camouflaging them with other things,” Tammy Nelson writes in her book The New Monogamy. “They may talk about the children or work, for instance, when they really want to talk about the marriage. Or they might talk about money when they really want to talk about sex.”

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It’s important to consider how a couple’s experience of desire with one another will impact and influence their well-being, resilience, commitment, openness, and flexibility. When differences in a couple’s desire levels and needs can be addressed openly and collaboratively, the negative charge leaking into other areas of their relationship may decrease as more primary needs for honesty, affection, and attachment are met.

Exploring each person’s experience of desire and desirability has tremendous potential to alter the course of a partnership for the better. It can provide couples with important information about relational imbalances and psychological red herrings distracting them from difficult but necessary conversations. Helping guide and frame safe, honest talks about desire levels and differences in sexual desire can free up couples who are stuck in specious, dead-end power struggles. It can encourage a more adventurous approach to leisure time together, freeing couples to creatively work through sexuality-related issues.

Couples therapists who are not necessarily sex therapists can proactively help couples understand limiting sexual dynamics by focusing on desire levels and differences. This may involve normalizing the shame that can surface in sexual discussions. Because conversations about desire and desire differences often evoke emotional reactions, it’s important to monitor and normalize a couple’s discomfort and help partners self-soothe as they speak and listen. The personal, cultural, gender, and familial conditioning we’ve all received related to sexuality can make it a challenging issue to explore.

Just sharing and taking ownership of assumptions related to one partner’s experience of desiring sex when the other partner doesn’t, or of not being adequately responsive to a partner’s sexual needs, can start to bring important vulnerabilities to the surface. When couples calmly and openly talk about their desire or lack of desire, shame is reduced and change becomes possible.

For Marie and Jeff, identifying the differences in their desire for sex is crucial to beginning the process of truly defusing their conflicts. Once they work through the crisis of the affair, a new phase of growth and erotic development can begin. For Marie, it might involve finding ways to undo the painful messages she carries about her self-worth and her desirability. It might involve finding a group of women who support her in embracing her sexuality through dance, music, or some other expressive art. It might include exploring ways she can experience arousal and orgasm alone or with Jeff present. For Jeff, it might involve consciously allowing himself sexual fantasies and sharing them with Marie, or agreeing to read books or take courses that reduce the stigma he feels around his sexuality.

Understanding the differences in their erotic blueprint using sexologist Jaiya’s framework of energetic, sensual, sexual, or kinky might provide a way of making sense of their sexual interactions and offer pointers on how to blend their diverging approaches. Growing together erotically will be a process of overcoming hurdles and creating new possibilities. If Marie and Jeff are serious about staying together, they will learn to view their mismatched desire as a call to action.

Discussing desire—low desire, mismatched desire, and even desire for more desire—can help partners shift from a destructive, antagonistic position to one of greater understanding where each person takes more responsibility for who they are, who they want to become, and the sex life they want to create together. As Nicole Daedone points out in Slow Sex, “The more we resist our sex problems, the more irritating/frustrating/painful they become. They start to take up a lot of energy—energy we might otherwise be putting toward other things.”

Just sharing and taking ownership of assumptions related to one partner’s experience of desiring sex when the other partner doesn’t, or of not being adequately responsive to a partner’s sexual needs, can start to bring important vulnerabilities to the surface. When couples calmly and openly talk about their desire or lack of desire, shame is reduced and change becomes possible.

As shame diminishes, it’s easier to relate from a position of strength. Making implied but unacknowledged sexual expectations explicit and openly revealing feelings of anger, hurt, fear, shame, or inadequacy related to mismatched desire can help defuse hostility in other areas of a couple’s life. Acknowledging the truth of sexual needs and longings is a key step in shifting a couple into a more satisfying relationship.

References:

  1. Daedone, N. (2011). Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
  2. Jaiva. (2014). Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied: A Kinky Guide to the Best Sex Ever. New York: Harmony Books.
  3. Nelson, T. (2012). The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. California: New Harbinger Publications.

senior couple hand-in-hand outdoors on the beachAs a therapist specializing in relationship issues, I often see people in therapy existentially contemplating what love really means. Some wonder whether they truly love(d) their partner, or if their partner truly loves/loved them. These are complicated questions because they often require defining “true love.”

This is, of course, a subjective venture; love may look and feel different to different people. But in considering such questions for yourself, it may be helpful to think about love on a couple of levels: ego love and authentic love (often referred to as “soul love”).

Ego Love

When we determine we have fallen in love with someone, this is often done based on euphoric feelings of infatuation. We think about the person constantly, craving connection with them both physically and emotionally. We want to know their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. We want to know about their past, be in their present, and dream about a future together.

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And in return, we expect them to do the same. We expect reciprocity, desiring them as we expect to be desired. As we give them our time, attention, and affection, we expect the same. We view this quid pro quo as healthy and necessary: I will continue to give so long as I continue to get.

While balanced is healthy and necessary in relationships, what really separates authentic love and ego love is this litmus test: If your partner were to leave you tomorrow, would your feelings toward them change? Would you no longer feel love toward your partner out of resentment and anger?

We are conditioned to feel hurt and sadness when we are rejected. This is normal. The question I am posing here goes beyond natural feelings associated with rejection. This is a question of whether you truly love the person or if you love only what they give to you.

Ego love is not truly selfless because we inherently attach some condition of control or possession to it.

Ego love is based on conditions and expectations. Ego love says, “I love you to the extent you love me in return. I will not love you if you decide you do not love or want to be with me.” Ego love has strings attached: “I love you, but you have to change _____.” “I want you to be happy, so long as your happiness is in some way attached to me.” Ego love is not truly selfless because we inherently attach some condition of control or possession to it.

Authentic Love (“Soul Love”)

When love is authentic, it does not seek to control or possess. Authentic love is based on a selfless admiration and fondness for the other person. We truly value and wish them happiness, even if that happiness does not include us.

Authentic love says: “I love you, even if you do not want to be with me. I will not act out in malice, and will not wish you harm if you decide you do not want to be in my life.” Authentic love does not leave room for bitterness.

Authentic love is, in a word, freedom.

If You’re Not There, It’s Okay

Ideally, we all want to express authentic love and not ego love to our partners. However, this is not easily done. Often when we are hurt and feel rejected, it is easy to become angry and resentful. We do this out of self-protection, as a means of rationalizing and coping with the pain we feel.

Demonstrating authentic love takes practice, patience, and self-awareness. If you want to move away from ego love, try exploring what makes you believe you love your partner. Find ways to grow your fondness and admiration for the person they are, not what you gain from being with them.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been married to my husband for 12 years and I love him with all my heart. I would never dream of leaving him, so I want to get that out of the way right off the bat. But there is no question the spark in our marriage has faded over the years, and it leaves me wanting in some ways.

When we first got together, things were pretty hot and heavy. After we got married, and especially after we had kids, things cooled off considerably. I recognize that this pattern is probably typical. We still treat each other like best friends and do sometimes have sex (great sex, by the way), but the courting has stopped. That’s why I’m writing. I miss being courted. I am sure we both take it for granted that we are a couple and I’m sure day-to-day life saps opportunities for romance, but I miss the feeling of being wanted, the thrill of the chase, the sense that being together is not a given but rather a choice.

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I have mentioned a couple of times that I miss date nights, flowers, simple gestures, things like that, and while it’s usually met with a hug, a smile, and an “Aw, I love you, babe,” it hasn’t resulted in any meaningful attempts on his part to court me again. I feel like he’s not taking me very seriously. And I suppose I wonder just how serious I am, since I am very happily married even though I feel like things could be even better.

So I’m not sure what to do, basically. Should I just be happy that I am happy? Do I need to take initiative by courting him? Am I being stupid or selfish for wanting to be courted? Is courting even something I should expect at this stage of marriage? —In His Court

Dear Court,

No, you are absolutely not being stupid or selfish! It’s totally normal to miss the romance, passion, and excitement that typically exist in the early days of a relationship. It is also totally normal for it to have faded. Relationships, like most things, evolve and change over time. After 12 years of marriage and children, there are probably some aspects of your relationship that have deepened and grown—perhaps a sense of trust, commitment, and security.

While acknowledging the positive changes in the marriage might offer valuable perspective, it certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to miss the thrill of being wanted and pursued. So the question becomes what can you do to try to get some of that fire back? You asked if you should take some initiative by courting him; I think that might be a great place to start. Show him what you want by giving it to him, in whatever way he is most likely to recognize its value and embrace it. Perhaps he will be excited by the spark to the marriage and follow suit.

You asked if you should take some initiative by courting him; I think that might be a great place to start.

You say you have mentioned a couple of times that you miss date nights, flowers, and simple gestures. This makes me wonder if you have mentioned this in passing … a couple of times. If this is the case, it seems quite possible your husband doesn’t have a real sense of how much this means to you. He might better understand how important this is to you if you sit down and have a full conversation about this, as opposed to a passing comment here and there.

If neither of the aforementioned approaches produces the change you are seeking, you might want to partner with a couples therapist. It might seem excessive to consider seeking therapy when you describe yourself as happy and loving your husband with all your heart. However, you also describe yourself as wanting. Couples therapy can be valuable during times when a marriage is in pretty good shape but there is a little hiccup or identifiable room for growth. At this stage, given the relatively happy state of your marriage, couples therapy can be quite effective in a short period of time.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Close-up photo of young adult leaning over journal while sitting outdoors and writing Are you in an addictive relationship with someone? Would you like to break free from your bondage and feel inner peace? Do you want to stop the obsessions, break the cycle of seeming insanity, and take back your life?

Then read on.

Addictions come in many forms. An addiction to a person involves obsessive thoughts about the relationship, feelings of hope, anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation. Addictive relationships are toxic and very powerful.

Healthy relationships do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. Healthy relationships just are. When in a nonaddictive relationship, you simply know your loved one is available to you. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last or next encounter.

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The first step in recovery is to face the truth. Identify your toxic person as the “drug” of sorts you are addicted to. Before you can break any addiction, you need to own the reality you have one. Acknowledgment is the beginning of your journey toward recovery.

To help you face the truth, get out your writing pad and begin the process. Start by writing the following:

Once you have faced the truth, commit to yourself to live in the truth—to live in reality, no matter the cost. Recovery requires living in truth over living in fantasy. Addictive relationships are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was, not what they are.

You are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding surrounding the relationship. Because the relationship is so utterly unfulfilling, you are left with a constant state of emptiness, which is temporarily assuaged with each encounter with your object of obsession (the person).

It is a vicious cycle.

Once you have identified your thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your relationship, it is time begin abstention (if you haven’t already done so). You must abstain from your addiction. You can abstain in one of two ways:

  1. Abstain from the relationship completely (no contact); this includes texts and social media.
  2. Abstain from and emotional entanglements; this requires detachment.

This will be a very difficult part of your journey. The brain chemicals released when trying to detach are vastly different from the neurotransmitters and hormones released when you are with your loved one. The main chemical released during times of stress (including emotional stress) is cortisol. Any trigger (such as the loss of a loved one) releases chemicals from the noradrenergic system (which includes the release of cortisol and norepinephrine).

As you face another emotionally dysregulating departure from your loved one, your stress system goes into high gear, releasing stress chemicals in your body, which motivates you to “do something about this!” As you anticipate the relief from the stress, your brain releases chemicals such as dopamine, which offer that positive feeling of anticipation. You have entered the craving part of your addiction.

In order to break an addiction, you need to realize you are fighting these chemical responses. This means you will not feel good for a while. But rest assured, if you can abstain from responding to your brain chemistry, you can get through these tough times and your neurotransmitter system will eventually come to rest at a state of equilibrium.

Some suggestions for what to do while you are in this “craving cycle”:

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

The best thing you can do to help yourself on your journey of healing is to be proactive and set up a plan of emotional health “bottom-line behaviors” for yourself.

Here are some personal principles you can internalize to help you do just that:

Recovery from any addiction, including a relationship addiction, is hard but worthwhile work. You can do this through perseverance, hope, self-discovery, and grace. The best way to accomplish any long-term goal is to do it one step and one day at a time. Don’t scare yourself by thinking beyond today. Live each day as it comes and take the next indicated step on your journey to healthy living.

For compassionate guidance, seek the support of a licensed therapist in your area.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have a close friend who comes to me with all his problems, and sometimes I don’t know how to help. Some small issues I can give advice on or help him out with. When he asks me about other, bigger things, such as work issues, relationship issues, or family issues, I often really don’t know what to do or say.

He seems to depend on my advice, and if I say “I’m sorry, I don’t know how I can help” or tell him I don’t have a lot of free time at the moment, he will often get irritated and say something like, “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.” Then I find myself trying to reassure him and find a way to help him, even though this takes time and effort I sometimes don’t have.

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He also has a tendency to fixate on things. I’ll offer advice or a suggestion, and he seems to like it, but a few days later he will bring up the issue again, almost as if I said nothing at all. This is very frustrating. If my advice isn’t working out, why doesn’t he seek out someone else’s opinion? I’m only going to tell him the same thing again.

This happens frequently. We talk most days, and it seems as if a week can’t go by without him having some new problem he needs help with. I don’t mind doing what I can to help, of course, but (1) sometimes it seems like that’s all he wants to talk to me about and (2) I think he can solve most of his problems himself, if he would just give them a little more thought.

I don’t think this is worth losing our friendship over. We have come too far for that. I’ve tried to raise the issue, but he hasn’t seemed to hear what I’m saying. And if I encourage him, saying, “I’m really not sure because I don’t have a lot of experience in that. Try looking it up online!” or something similar, he might respond with “I’m too dumb to figure this out” or make other self-defeating remarks.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and be heard? —Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

It sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your friend and he is unwilling to hear or respect them. That raises the question for me as to what you are getting out of this friendship. You say you’ve “come too far” to lose your friendship, but something in this relationship is not working for you. If your friend is not willing to hear you, or responds with what sounds like emotionally manipulative statements, it may be time to reevaluate just how important this relationship is to you and how staying in it is serving you.

Ultimately, if you choose to continue your friendship, it will be up to you to set and hold your boundaries; he is unlikely to change what he is asking of you. You mentioned that when you try to let him know you don’t have answers or it isn’t a good time, you wind up trying to reassure and help him anyhow. One way to stop having him asking for help you can’t or don’t want to give is to stop giving it. Hold firm to your boundary.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however.

If the timing is an issue, let him know you aren’t available at the moment, and provide a time that would work for you. He can respond with frustration or anger, but you do not have to give in. You can gently hold your ground and respond with caring. Let him know you are sorry he is struggling and that you will be able to help at another time. If you feel you aren’t the one to help him, that the issues are beyond you, let him know that and then stick to it. If he makes self-deprecating remarks, you do not have to respond to them. When you have given him help and he returns with the same issues again and again, it’s okay to let him know you don’t have anything to add to what you’ve already discussed.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however. Being a good friend means not letting resentment build or having frustrations get in the way of your friendship. Being a good friend also means setting limits and not expecting your friend to take full responsibility for holding them.

You will learn much about your friend and your friendship by how he responds to you when you do hold firm. It may open up a meaningful conversation about the kind of friendship you both want with each other and may even strengthen your friendship. If, however, he is unwilling to recognize your needs as legitimate or your boundaries as meaningful, if he responds to you in anger or with blame or manipulation, I would encourage you to reconsider if this relationship is serving you in a meaningful way.

As you consider all of this, you may want to get support from a counselor who can help you identify what is keeping you in this relationship; help you implement strategies to set your limits; or, if you should choose to step back from the friendship, help you grieve the loss of what has been an important relationship.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.