Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Three months ago, my husband returned from his second deployment to the Middle East. I was excited to see him and resume our life together, but he came back to me a changed man, and not for the better. He barely talks to me. He just sits there and watches television or goes out drinking or lays in bed all day. Every time I try to talk to him, he gets snippy and tells me to leave him alone. I can count the number of times we’ve had sex on one hand. He has made me cry numerous times and he acts like I’m not even in the room, let alone tries to comfort me or apologize.

[fat_widget_right]

I have gathered from people I’ve talked to that he witnessed some horrific things while deployed, including bombings, shootings, and several deaths. He has told me he was shot at repeatedly. I don’t mean to downplay the effects that can have on a human being. I can’t imagine having been in that position. I don’t doubt that it would change me, too. I know he’s hurting terribly, and I want to help, but he won’t let me. He won’t let me in.

After talking it over with my parents, I’ve decided to leave him, at least for now. I just can’t subject myself to the hurtful language and behavior anymore. He’s not treating me like a wife or even a friend, but rather like the enemy. And yes, for the record, I feel guilty about leaving, but should I? I feel like I’ve done everything I can do. Maybe you have other ideas. I hurt for him, for me, and for our marriage. —Not the Enemy

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear NTE,

Thank you for writing. I read your question with a heavy heart, feeling sadness for your husband and for you. I would not blame yourself or consciously nurture guilt or shame. It sounds as though distancing yourself was a necessary last resort. I do not think your husband is fully conscious of what he is doing, nor do I think you are acting selfishly.

Not to downplay your suffering in the slightest, but your husband has been to hell and back. His feelings and behavior are not inconsistent with other veterans exposed to such horrific trauma. It may be posttraumatic stress (PTSD) or dissociative numbness or some/all of the above, but I do know that too many of our veterans are not receiving the treatment they need and ought to have, considering their selflessness and risk. Not long ago I read that PTSD is not a qualifying condition for receiving the Purple Heart, that only obvious physical injuries qualify. This, I think, indicates the stigma of shame and corresponding ignorance accompanying mental health issues, which only superficially appears to undermine stereotypes of “bravery” and so forth. As always, we tend to be afraid of what we can’t tangibly see or explicitly define, and psychology remains a curious mix of art and science (and philosophy, and literature …).

Yet what could be braver than facing one’s own inner “demons”? A veteran I once treated briefly for addiction said he found facing “the monster within” was more frightening than actual gunfights he’d seen on assignment. Your husband is in the awful predicament of needing to process indescribably hellacious experiences, within the right setting with a trained professional, of course. This could never be expected of a partner or loved one.

Acute trauma also, as indicated by your empathic, eloquent question, affects the families of those suffering, as the traumatized one’s behavior pushes others away. You, too, sound traumatized in being neglected, shut out, demeaned, and so forth—painful experiences for someone who, I surmise, longs to reconnect with a long-absent spouse.

It is interesting that some people, including some professionals, call patterns of psychological suffering “disorders.” But if you put it in context, both you and your husband are having a normal, human reaction to extreme circumstances which would be “disordering” to anyone. Being abused in childhood or traumatized in battle might, for instance, lead to addictive or depressive (or other) issues, though it’s worth asking whether it is the person or their traumatizing experiences that are disordered.

Your husband returned to “normal life” with profound suffering and perhaps shame, and reacts by “acting out” (I mean this non-pejoratively) what he is feeling, keeping you at a painful distance and emotionally wounding you in the process. Perhaps he feels too overwhelmed or ashamed to express his pain and corresponding inadequacy, and so he enacts his trauma on those closest to him as a way of unconsciously expressing what he feels inside but cannot express, hiding his vulnerability defensively, even hurtfully. Clearly, there is some kind of unbearable risk for him in allowing the kind of intimacy you so understandably want and miss.

Often trauma makes a person into a kind of wary rescue animal—strong but brutalized, rowling or hissing angrily over and over again at anyone who approaches, until they can, slowly and painstakingly, learn to trust again. It is hard, if not impossible, for us to do this without the proper support.

His own repressed or dissociated trauma feelings are, in other words, probably similar to what you are feeling: shame, a sense of feeling torn, abandoned, and abandoning (since he may also long to reconnect but is too terrified or wounded to do so, perhaps guilty or ashamed he left you behind or is doing so now in his withdrawal). In a bizarre way, he may feel he is protecting you from the chaos within; if he feels he is drowning in unexpressed pain and terror, he may not want to pull a beloved into the maelstrom. He may say, in other words, “You couldn’t handle it,” while you respond, “Try me.”

Often trauma makes a person into a kind of wary rescue animal—strong but brutalized, rowling or hissing angrily over and over again at anyone who approaches, until they can, slowly and painstakingly, learn to trust again. It is hard, if not impossible, for us to do this without the proper support.

Of course, what your husband may be missing or repressing is that the distancing itself is hurtful to you and the relationship, and ultimately self-sabotaging, since what he (likely) needs most of all is human connection, emotional safety, and deep validation of his suffering, in a way that confirms (and not undermines) his manhood. (He may unconsciously feel he is “the enemy” for being so “weak” and shamefully afraid, may feel shame or guilt that he could not protect or save those who died—again, a common reaction.)

At a certain point, however, we have to get in the lifeboat even if our loved one refuses to do so. It is an impossibly painful choice. This leads me to reiterate, again, that there is no “right” decision here for you. You can stay and risk drowning, or find safety yourself while anxious you have “left him behind.”

If only we could somehow culturally redefine “strength” to mean addressing and healing, rather than avoiding or numbing, our own psychic pain and isolation. If only, in such a masculinized culture like the police or military, emotional sensitivity is not equated with being “wimpy,” etc. It’s actually the “keep a stiff upper lip and carry on” mentality that is dangerous after the battle has ended.

Perhaps, then, you can role model for your husband the kind of strength I’m talking about. I cannot recommend enough the following: support, support, and more support. I strongly suggest you seek out the kind of education and emotional assistance your husband needs. Is there a “wives of veterans” group, in person or online, from which you can find sustenance, both practical and psychological? Can the local or online VA provide helpful info? I would bet what you are experiencing is also not uncommon. It is too early to abandon hope, and helping yourself is helping the relationship since you are 50% of the equation.

You might also seek out counseling, either individual or group, via a therapist with specific training and experiencing in this area. Trauma resulting from military service or firefights is not quite like any other, given the specifics of military culture, codes of honor and bravery, and so forth. You can look via GoodTherapy.org, if you like. But do find something, because this is agonizing, if not impossible, to handle on one’s own. Ending the pain of your guilt and isolation will make it easier to communicate with your husband, and I would urge you to not make a final decision until after you have found some peer or professional support.

I thank you again for writing. You, too, are doing your country a duty in attempting to help yourself and your husband address the wounds he carries inside.

Kind regards,

Darren

Let’s begin by saying the only reason this article is relevant is because people today face many problematic social discourses around romance, relationships, and the quest to find “the one.” We have been conditioned to accept a single story of what a fulfilling relationship is. The single story I speak of encompasses the familiar idea of Mx. Right, the one person who meets all our needs, a perfect “soulmate” who exists somewhere out there. By buying into this, we unwittingly limit our experience and rob ourselves of endless opportunities and possibilities.

Unrealistic pressures from society and culture don’t help, but it’s more complicated than that. From reviewing my own past as a single man, helping people in my practice who present with severe distress because of their single status, and talking to single friends, it seems evident to me that many of the strategies we use in our quest to find fulfilling relationships aren’t productive. Our priorities are often not aligned in a productive way.

People’s motivations for finding someone to share their lives with are often misinformed as well. They may not understand clearly why they want to be in a relationship. People often lack insight about their own needs, hopes, and dreams, leading them into the trap that’s been established and reinforced by harmful social discourses.

[fat_widget_right]

I have seen anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, and disappointment all make an appearance in the quest for finding the right partner. What values have been abandoned in the process?

If a person is experiencing significant distress as a result of something, they usually cease doing whatever it is that’s causing the distress. That is often not the case when it comes to finding a romantic partner. Instead, many people repeat the same patterns of behavior that bring them pain and unsatisfactory outcomes. Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

People might not realize what they may be giving up when they invest so much of their time and energy in finding “the one.” How much time and money do you spend on online dating? How much money are you spending on that outfit you hope will score you a life partner? How much money are you spending on extravagant dinners to show potential mates how stable and secure you are? How much time are you spending in front of a mirror perfecting your appearance? When does it stop being worth it?

Have you thought about what it might be like if you belonged to a different culture, perhaps practiced a different religion, or if you had been raised by a different family with different customs? Sure, it is possible that finding “the one” would have still been important, but would it be prioritized over other aspects of your life? I can’t help you change your context, your environment, your upbringing, or your culture, but perhaps I can offer you some ideas to help you approach finding your “soulmate” from a different angle.

First, Get to Know Yourself

Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Be honest with yourself here. What would be the benefits and the costs of being paired up with someone? Are you okay with the costs and if so, why? What’s important to you in life? Would trying to find a life partner or having a partner challenge that?

Understanding your core needs, values, and hopes is essential. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t really get to know anybody else.

Second, Stop Being So Picky!

I’m not saying anyone should have low standards, but what makes you think you deserve perfection? It is important to practice compassion when getting to know someone and to try to put yourself in their shoes. This may allow you to open up to infinite possibilities.

Nevertheless, I understand there are certain things you just can’t live with or without, so here’s one way to achieve more clarity: Make a list of physical and nonphysical traits (personality, values, goals, etc.) that you hope your special someone will have (or not have). Your list should not be longer than 10 items. Then, from your list, pick just two traits you are not willing to accept (or give up), and focus only on those two when meeting people and dating. Think of all the other traits on your list as bonuses.

Third, Learn from People Who Know You

Ask the people who know you best what they know about you. Ask them to describe you in a few words and take notes! Ask several people, preferably. If you notice certain patterns and descriptions being brought up by different people, those may be the ones you may want to use for this exercise.

I invite you to ask these people to share stories about you that confirm these descriptions (“How did you come to see me as a generous person?” “Can you tell me a story about this?”). Can you think of stories of your own? Do these descriptions fit with how you have been viewing yourself? Whatever your answer, ask yourself how, when, and where you came to learn this about you. Do this exercise a few times until you are comfortable with the information you gathered.

Lastly, Emphasize Complementarity Over Compatibility

One of the biggest mistakes I believe people make is looking for a “compatible” partner. First of all, if you aren’t clear on your own motivations, values, or hopes, you may not truly recognize what compatible is. The key here is to find someone you can create balance with. Think about it: Isn’t it more appealing to think about finding someone who adds to your experience than someone who has the same or similar experience?

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different?

You may want someone who can offer you something you don’t have, and vice versa. There may be some truth to the notion “opposites attract.” If you hate to cook, for example, wouldn’t it be great if you were in a relationship with someone who finds joy in cooking? Complementarity can be so much more fulfilling than compatibility, especially in the long run.

Now take some of the descriptions about you from step 3 above and identify the opposites of those. Could these be added to your list of requirements for a mate? What do you have that you can contribute to someone else’s life?

The suggestions I’ve presented here are by no means rules, and they may or may not be useful in your particular set of circumstances. They are simply ideas I have learned through my clinical practice, training, and personal experience. My hope is that they provide some new ways of looking at and working around some of the harmful social discourses we all live with.

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different? Explore. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask others. Learn and most importantly live your truth. I’m not going to end this by wishing you luck, because it may very well take more than that. Get to work!

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” —Erich Fromm

We all know breakups are hard. Every one of us has experienced some form of heartache at one point or another, but we all experience and are affected by it in different ways. Why do some of us come out stronger in the end while others end up feeling beaten down and defeated? How can we harness the potential healing power of pain?

Fortunately, with enough will and hard work, this is a skill that can be learned by almost anyone.

Any breakup, even in the shortest-lived of relationships, can hurt like hell. One of the most devastating losses one can face, aside from the loss of a loved one, is the loss of potential—what could have been. The beginnings of any relationship carry with them the seeds of unlimited hope and potential. More often than not when a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not necessarily the person we ache for, but rather the story we created around them: what the person could have brought to our life, the vision we had for ourselves, and how the person fit into that vision.

[fat_widget_right]

Breakup: Where Crisis Meets Opportunity

Like any crisis, a breakup can be an opportunity. In his book You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death, David Kessler describes loss as a window into old wounds. The end of any romantic relationship, be it a 20-year marriage or a three-month fling, can trigger a number of unconscious memories and hurts we thought had long ago healed. Much in the same way a familiar scent can take us back to a long-forgotten time or place, the pain of a breakup can open the deepest of wounds.

This could be just what we need to compel us to take a good look at our patterns and begin to change them. Breakups can be opportunities to reclaim our lives, on our terms, and to change any distorted thinking we may have around love and relationships. For example, metaphorically speaking, do you tend to date the same person over and over again, or do you find yourself dating the parent who loved you the least? Do you tend to idealize your partners? This could be a chance to learn how to see through the initial fog of infatuation, let go of unrealistic ideals, and move toward the relationship that is right for you.

[amazon_affiliate]

How to Cope with the Pain of Breakup

Kessler reminds us that if there is grief, there was love. What a beautiful thing to have been able to love and be loved! Though many would maintain it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, some may prefer to avoid potential heartache by never risking loss. This may be a way to avoid the temporary pain of breakup, but it’s also a surefire way to miss out on one of the greatest joys of life.

Keeping the positive front and center in the devastating aftermath of a breakup is no easy task, though. So what to do? How to cope? The following are a few ideas and reminders:

1. Give yourself permission to mourn. You don’t heal if you don’t feel! Perhaps the most unproductive thing you can do with your emotions is shut them off. Whether five years or five months, a broken attachment hurts. The length of time or circumstances don’t matter so much as what these wounds stir up unconsciously. We all carry some baggage, but if you don’t allow yourself time to go through the stages of grief, you may run the risk of taking unresolved anger and resentment into your next relationship.
2. Reach out to your “fan club.” Surround yourself with positive supports. This is especially important if you were with someone who was emotionally or otherwise abusive. Spend time with friends, family, mentors, and others who can reflect back to you the wonderful, valuable, lovable person you are.
3. Talk to a helping professional. As a therapist, I may be biased, but if you’re not already in therapy you may want to consider it—especially if you recognize destructive patterns in your relationships. Working with a therapist, whether individually or in a group setting, is a great way to learn about and begin to change unhealthy relational patterns.
4. Find the lesson meant for you. As Kessler notes, breakups can be opportunities to learn about yourself and grow. Learning a “lesson” doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means taking ownership of your happiness and taking advantage of a chance to create stronger relationships and possibly heal hurtful memories and distorted beliefs.
5. Channel your creativity. If you haven’t already done so, try to identify a creative outlet or activity that speaks to you and helps you heal. This can be journaling, painting, or taking an improv class, for example. As a writer and a former actor, I can attest to the cathartic power of creative pursuits.
6. Get back out there. There is something to be said for so-called “rebound” relationships—so long as all involved are honest with each another about what they’re looking for and how long they’re looking for it. Only you can determine when you are ready to re-enter the dating world. Whether for the purpose of finding a long-term relationship or simply to broaden your social circle, meeting people and cultivating new friendships, romantic or otherwise, can nourish the soul and help you develop a support network. So even if your next date doesn’t turn out to be the one, they could turn out to be a new best friend!

Of course, all of this is substantially easier said than done. As I write this, I’m reeling from my own recent breakup. It is what compelled me to write this piece, as writing is one of my creative healing outlets. My hope is to remain faithful to the advice I offer above. I will allow myself to grieve as I look for the lessons meant for me. And during the most difficult moments, I will remind myself that where there is grief, there was once love.

References:

1. Hay, L., & Kessler, D. (2015). You can heal your heart: Finding peace after a breakup, divorce, or death. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, Inc.
2. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.

Dissociation is a way people, to varying degrees, disconnect from their thoughts and feelings in order to avoid pain or traumatic memories. It represents a “lack of normal integration of thoughts, feelings, and experiences into the stream of consciousness and memory,” serving as an unconscious strategy the mind uses to protect from distress. It is a refuge of sorts into an altered state of mind that is often characterized by obsessive thoughts, fantasies, or even non-thinking states. It can be employed consciously or unconsciously as a defense mechanism and can range in intensity from mild daydreams to feeling separate from one’s body.

In our current digital age dissociating is easier than ever. You can simply turn on the television or, better yet, turn on your computer or mobile device and find yourself on a high-speed train through the internet highway, encountering all kinds of people, distracting yourself with all kinds of information, and stimulating yourself in all kinds of ways. Recent research indicates that digital environments and social media can contribute to dissociative experiences, particularly among adolescents and young adults. All the while, your body is there, in the chair or wherever it is, coping with the emotional unrest residing deep inside.

Although dissociation can be an effective short-term strategy for pain management, it often wreaks havoc on relationships.

The Impact of Dissociation on Relationships

Relationships flourish when the participants relate to each other, which requires mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings not just about each other but about their lives and the world around them, about their pasts, and about the future. Relating is the “food” of a relationship.

Dissociation can distress relationships because it undermines the ability to relate and thus starves the relationship over time. Recent research describes this as “dissociative collusion,” where split-off aspects of one or both partners are mutually dissociated in a complementary fashion that becomes destructive to the relationship. It is a bit of a catch-22: people often (unconsciously) choose partners who will bring up elements of their painful past in order to grow, heal, and develop. For those who dissociated during that original pain, however, employing the strategy now starves the relationship of the food of relating to each other.

Many people who frequently dissociate find that relationships can feel quite stifling. Inevitably, painful memories and feelings arise in the relationship and they (unconsciously) dissociate. At the same time, they see this other person there feeling hurt that they’ve disconnected or “left,” and feel trapped. They can’t leave, but they can’t stay, either. It can feel agonizing, lonely, and confusing to both partners when dissociation occurs.

Find a Therapist

Advanced Search

How Couples Counseling Can Help

A good couples counselor can be an invaluable resource and guide to finding a new way forward, both for the individual who dissociates and for the distressed couple. Evidence-based guidelines from organizations like the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation support comprehensive treatment approaches that integrate multiple therapeutic modalities. Specifically, couples counseling can help by:

Identifying and naming the issue: It may be hard for a couple to recognize that dissociation is causing distress in the relationship because it often is an unconscious coping process and is easily confused for intentional emotional distancing. If there is something beyond dissociation going on—and there often is—a therapist should be able to help identify that, too.

Helping the couple understand what’s going on: Dissociation often leaves the other partner feeling abandoned, unheard, and unloved. A therapist can help both people recognize that this is not about a lack of interest or love but rather a deep survival mechanism. Research shows that dissociative defenses are particularly relevant for couples with histories of trauma. A dissociating person typically only wants to feel better, not make their partner feel bad.

Making space to slowly reduce dissociative symptoms: This is vital. A therapist can slow things down enough to help each person observe the dissociation and, over time, feel into the pain as a means of reducing symptoms. Individuals with chronic dissociation often struggle to feel safe, especially in relationships, making psychotherapy challenging but essential for healing.

Helping the couple find new skills: This is the creative aspect of therapy—helping the couple discover new ways to respond when painful feelings and memories arise. Individual or couples counseling can explore root causes of dissociation and develop coping strategies, offering stress-management techniques and enhanced communication skills.

If there is unresolved pain or trauma in the background of your relationship and you suspect dissociation may be hurting your ability to relate to your partner, contact a trained and compassionate couples counselor. You don’t have to suffer alone.

Please Note: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or therapeutic advice. If you are experiencing severe dissociative symptoms or relationship distress, please consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalized treatment recommendations.

References:

1. Robinson, M. A., Purcell, J. B., Ward, L., Winternitz, S., Kaufman, M. L., Baranowski, K. A., & Lebois, L. A. M. (2024). Advancing research on and treatment of dissociative identity disorder with people with lived experience. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 77(3), 141-150. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.20230028
2. Černis, E., Chan, C., & Cooper, M. (2019). Identifying preliminary risk profiles for dissociation in 16‐ to 25‐year‐olds using machine learning. Early Intervention in Psychiatry, 25(2), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/eip.13162
3. Costa, R. M. (2020). Dissociation (Defense Mechanism). In V. Zeigler-Hill & T. K. Shackelford (Eds.), Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_1375
4. Bernstein, E. M., & Putnam, F. W. (1986). Development, reliability, and validity of a dissociation scale. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 174, 727-735.
5. D’Andrea, W., & Pole, N. (2012). A naturalistic study of the relation of psychotherapy process to changes in symptoms, information processing, and physiological activity in complex trauma. Traumatology, 18(2), 26-40.
6. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. (2011). Guidelines for treating dissociative identity disorder in adults, third revision. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 12(2), 115-187.
7. Johnson, S. M., & Greenman, P. S. (2024). Emotionally focused couple therapy and attachment theory: Understanding emotion regulation in distressed couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 23(4), 295-312.
8. Loewenstein, R. J., Brand, B. L., & Schielke, H. J. (2022). Trauma-related dissociation and the dissociative disorders: Neglected symptoms with severe public health consequences. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 1-24.
9. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

Much of life is shaped by the choices we make. We choose where we want to work and where we will live. We choose friends and partners. Most of us also choose who we marry (if we choose to marry). When we commit to someone, typically we are agreeing not only to commit to them, but to what—and who—they bring with them. In many cases, family members are part of what a partner brings to a committed, long-term relationship. And although we can choose our partner, we cannot choose their family.

Building a relationship with a long-term partner’s family can be difficult for all involved. Everyone involved is adjusting to a major life transition: parents are trying to adjust to a new relationship dynamic with their child and build a relationship with their child’s partner. The couple is establishing and strengthening their own relationship and making their own life choices. If these choices conflict with what the parents envisioned for their child, the parents may perceive this as rejection, which can put strain on the relationship. Parents who miss their child and want to have more of a relationship may seem pushy or over-involved. Any number of other reasons may serve to complicate this particular relationship.

In my experience as a therapist, strained relationships with a partner’s family members, especially the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, are quite common. If you find building a relationship with your partner’s parents to be challenging, or if you just don’t like your partner’s parents, the following tips and considerations may be helpful:

[fat_widget_right]

• Discuss the level of involvement you would like to have with your partner’s family. Do you envision seeing them every week for Sunday dinner? Do you envision seeing them for three hours on a major holiday once per year? If you choose to have children, what type of involvement should they have with them? If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied.
• Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good. It can be hard to relate to someone if you don’t know them well. Try to have more shared experiences. Plan an activity, such as a picnic or mini-golf. Try seeking advice on small things, like which tablecloth is best or what dishes you could serve at a family meal. Maybe one parent is financially savvy and can help you figure out your mortgage application. Maybe the other parent is excellent at fixing things around the house. Seek out and enjoy each person’s strengths.
• This is a long-term relationship, so it is likely worth investing in. In most areas of life, it’s fairly easy to minimize contact with people we don’t like. However, in a marriage or other committed partnership, it may be worth trying to reach common ground. Discover the good aspects about your partner’s parents and learn what you can like about them.
• Hear their feelings behind the comments. When your partner’s mother asks, “Why don’t you move closer?” or “Why did you move so far away?” try to hear the feelings rather than the criticisms. Your partner’s parents are probably not trying to control you or tell you what to do. They may simply be trying to tell you how they feel about something, such as “I miss you and wish we could spend more time together.”
• Learn their love language as a way to communicate with them better. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages as a tool for your in-laws. What are their love languages? Do they really appreciate gifts? Would they better appreciate an offer to help them with house and yard work once in a while? Giving to them, in a way they will appreciate most, can help them feel more positively toward you and may lead to a greater sense of connection. [amazon_affiliate]
• Not all events have to include all the members of the family. If it remains difficult—for whatever reason—for you to enjoy or even handle seeing certain members of the family, try instead to create (or allow) opportunities for them to see your partner or their grandchildren. Grandparents might be thrilled to spend time with your kids for a few hours or even a few days. You don’t have to attend every single get-together.
• Don’t force your partner or children to cut off their relationships. You may dislike your partner’s parents. You may have drastically different approaches to parenting. But allowing your children to spend time with their grandparents may really benefit them (and their grandparents). Preventing your children from building this relationship can be a huge loss (unless you have reason to believe they are in danger). And if your partner wishes to spend more time with their parents (with or without you) and you prevent them from doing so, conflict and resentment may be the result.
• Set boundaries. Doing this early on in your relationship is likely to make the adjustment easier for everyone involved. Assuring your partner’s parents they are an important part of the family may help them agree more easily to the boundaries you set without feeling as if you have cut them off. If they tend to overstay their welcome, try being specific: “Are you available from 1 to 3 on Sunday?” or, “Would you like to come for a visit for two nights next weekend?” If they express the desire to stay longer than you would like, simply say something like, “It would be better for us to just do two days this time.”
• Realize that your partner’s long-standing familial relationships and communication dynamics precede your relationship and are not likely to change. You may feel irritated by your partner’s interactions. Suddenly the confident and self-assured person you know cannot stand up to their mother! This may be infuriating, but try your best not to harp on it or try to change them. Your partner’s relationship and patterns of interaction with their parents (and siblings) are unlikely to change much. (However, if some aspect of this interaction or any family issue appears to be harmful or distressing to your partner, you may wish to discuss this, perhaps with a counselor.)
• Communicate clearly. If you primarily communicate with your partner’s family through your partner but find things often become muddled, try speaking directly to them instead. This not only shows them respect but can help prevent miscommunication and misunderstandings—and will keep your partner from being caught in the middle.

Dealing with your partner’s parents may be one of the more challenging parts of your relationship, but it may be worth the effort to make your interactions with them as pleasant as possible, if for no other reason than to respect your partner’s bond with them.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m a wife, mother of two, and have a great career in the legal field. I’ve been supporting my husband since we got married three years ago while he finished his degree, which he did nine months ago. The plan was for him to start his own career after he graduated, but he has had no success finding a suitable job and is quickly losing hope for finding work in the field he studied.

[fat_widget_right]

He has a history of depression, and I think he is quite depressed. The only types of jobs he can get right now are for minimum wage doing things like janitorial work. He is unwilling to do that type of work out of concern it will kill his spirits and make it harder for him to get a job he really wants.

Instead of focusing what little energy he has on finding the job he wants, now he’s talking about going BACK to school to study something else with better career prospects. Needless to say, I’m not too keen on this plan, as I didn’t think I was signing up to be the sole breadwinner for the first five to seven years of our marriage, if not longer. It’s starting to feel like he’s taking me for granted and instead should be redoubling his efforts to put the degree he just attained to use.

I think he expects me to go along with his new plan. It’s true that I can afford to provide for the family by myself indefinitely, but that doesn’t sit well with me and it doesn’t feel fair or reasonable. I am afraid to bring up my true feelings about this out of fear it will worsen his depression and sense of hopelessness. His mental health seems precarious as it is.

He’s a good father despite not being my children’s biological dad. He’s a good husband, too, aside from this ongoing saga. I just don’t know what to do. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I’m willing to go down this road again. I don’t want to resent him, but it feels, in a way, like I have three children. What do you think? —Sugar Mama

Dear Sugar Mama,

It sounds like you and your husband BOTH may be depressed, and you appear to be somewhat angry, too, about his inability to find a decent job and help support the family. I feel for you both. It’s hard to carry this load alone, as you have been doing for three years already. I imagine it’s hard for him to be carried by you, too, and to not be able to find suitable work.

I don’t know what kind of career he has in mind for himself, but it is true that some fields are slow starters. Maybe he’s thinking he made the wrong choice for himself professionally and wants to correct this mistake. Maybe you’re thinking you made the wrong romantic choice and want to correct that, too. At the very least, you feel burdened.

You are afraid to talk to your husband about your fears. I understand your concerns, but communication is a top priority in a deep relationship. Learning how to discuss difficult things together is part of learning how to get along with each other. It will serve your relationship well both now and in the future.

Despite his real problems work-wise, you state he is a good father to your children, even though they are not biologically his, and he is a good husband to you. These are priceless gifts. His ability to be caring, loving, and nurturing are important contributions to a happy family life.

You are afraid to talk to your husband about your fears. I understand your concerns, but communication is a top priority in a deep relationship. Learning how to discuss difficult things together is part of learning how to get along with each other. It will serve your relationship well both now and in the future.

I wonder if you have each considered counseling. Your husband might benefit from consulting with a career counselor, and it sounds like you both could benefit from couples counseling and perhaps individual therapy, too. Your family seems strong aside from this issue, certainly worth working to save, in spite of your resentful feelings. Love is a great and important gift. If talking this through with your husband (with or without a counselor present) would help preserve your marriage, consider it an investment in your family.

This is a decision you must make together. If you both want to stay together, or if you’re deciding on perhaps parting, please act to find counselors or social workers who can help you with this choice. Professional help can allow space and clarity to make any important decisions.

Marriages need to be cared for by both partners, but sometimes outside circumstances don’t favor family life—in fact, it can seem like they conspire against you. I hope you’ll do everything you can, together, to prevail. Silent resentment never works.

Good luck and take care,
Lynn

Partnerships between individuals who have the traits or diagnosis of autism spectrum (previously including Asperger’s syndrome) and individuals who do not (often called neurotypical) are often challenging from the outset, based on numerous reports from such couples with whom I work in my psychotherapy practice. Over time, say 15 to 20 years, these couples typically become emotionally disengaged, spar constantly, and have long since stopped having sex or any other kind of intimate touch or even conversation. Communication has become transactional. The business of daily life is all there is.

It is not satisfying to either partner. It is frustrating. It feels as if there is no way to turn things around.

The person on the spectrum (ASD) increasingly feels judged, unappreciated, and anxious. The neurotypical (NT) partner feels dismissed, undervalued, and starved for intimacy. It is more often than not the NT partner who will have the urge to bolt. And bolt it is, because at this point, it feels more like running out of a house on fire than running toward a more fulfilling life. Leaving means stopping the pain. The ASD partner is likely to acknowledge not being happy but is unlikely to suggest or initiate separation.

[fat_widget_right]

When couples come in for counseling at this point, the greatest challenge is to help both partners see that each is feeling isolated and hurt; that there is a mutual experience of being judged (even condemned) without the intent to do harm; and that these very real emotions can bring on serious depression. Usually, I see a profound sense of futility in the words of the NT partner, such as, “I just can’t do this anymore because you never listen to me.” The ASD partner is likely to respond with something like, “That’s what you always say.” It is an immediate object lesson for me in what it is like for this couple when they are at home. They may as well exist on parallel—but never converging—planes. They both respond from within their guarded “under attack” position—once again, as usual, with no prospect for change.

If you see yourself in this brief sketch, there are three important things I would suggest for your consideration before you hire an attorney:

1. It Is Likely Neither of You Is Thinking Clearly at This Point

Years of living at crossed purposes has created patterns of defensiveness and hurt in both of you. This is an excellent point for remembering the wisdom in Einstein’s notion that we don’t solve a problem by using the same kind of thinking that created it. These hardened positions of isolation are unlikely to provide either of you with the ability to see your relationship in a new light.

Understanding that you are both confused and hurt, and that neither of you will immediately see a path for healing, is key. Acknowledge the pain. Feel the sorrow, the frustration, the anger. And give yourselves permission to take a hiatus, defined as a period during which you do your best to be mutually respectful. Take a break from even trying to communicate. Rest. Determine in advance how much time you both need before you come back together, renewed, to make a plan for the future.

2. Divorce Is Not the Only Option to Remaining Married

While it may make sense to want to run from pain and start over by rushing to divorce, it is important to understand the unique composition of this relationship. It is likely there is still real love between you, though it may seem deeply buried in wreckage by this time. It is likely you are aligned philosophically on many things, such as child-rearing principles. Regardless of all the pain, there have also been good times, and you are the repository of each other’s memories. You may feel that you speak different languages when it comes to intimate communication, and to getting your emotional needs met within your marriage, but there may also be a great deal about your marriage that is working well. Do you want to throw away everything before considering alternatives?

Understanding that you are both confused and hurt, and that neither of you will immediately see a path for healing, is key. Acknowledge the pain.

And there are alternatives. Each couple I know works on a plan that provides for transitional phases between the marriage as it is and the future. For example, some couples move into separate bedrooms and create schedules for interacting. Some add a condominium to their housing, and create a plan for who lives where and what the terms are for sharing meals, vacations, and space. Some agree to see others during this time. Others need to know they are both being monogamous for the duration, which is defined clearly to both. At a certain point, once a new kind of equilibrium is reached, couples come together again to define the next phase. Maybe they will keep two residences permanently. Maybe they are ready to discuss divorce. Maybe they need to extend this period of transition until they feel more sure of themselves.

3. Counseling Can Help When You Acknowledge the Role of ASD in Your Communication Problems

Because an ASD/NT couple has unique challenges and characteristics, finding a counselor who understands the experience of the individual on the spectrum as well as the experience of the neurotypical partner in this marriage is a tremendous gift you can give to yourselves. You will have the opportunity to have mediated conversations about the things most important in your lives, and for the first time may begin to understand each other’s perspectives.

The NT partner can see that while the pain is great, there has never been an intention to inflict harm: what has always felt like judgment and rejection actually comes from the ASD partner’s drive to tell the truth and to see fairness. The ASD partner can learn that the NT partner’s needs for intimacy and emotional support are valid and that they are not signs of weakness or a demanding nature.

Counseling may not help any particular couple stay together. Sometimes, however, the great gift of counseling is an understanding that there is tragic loss at the heart of this often ill-fated partnership and that respecting each other and loving each other can develop and survive even if the couple eventually decides to divorce.

This can be done with love, with honor, and in good health.

All close relationships have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the fabric of the relationship. At these times, the wounded partner’s experience can typically be summarized as either: “When I needed you most, you weren’t there for me,” or, “I trusted you and you betrayed me.” Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, “I will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.”

Practitioners of emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a well-researched, effective model of couples therapy, call these destructive experiences attachment injuries. EFT encourages hurt partners to share not just the facts about their injury, but the deep pain and sadness they experienced. Offending partners are helped to listen non-defensively, fully understand the emotional impact of their behavior on the injured partner, and express sincere remorse and regret. Couples are then guided through the process of asking for and receiving the comfort and support that was missing at the time of the injury.

[fat_widget_right]

When partners complete this process, many find their bond is not just repaired but strengthened. They understand each other’s needs and experiences in new ways that allow them to be more responsive to each other in the future.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner’s trust, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn’t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such monumental consequences, ashamed of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry your partner was unwilling to move on.

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?

At that moment, your confusion, fear, anger, hurt, or despair placed you at high risk of doing something to make things worse. Or, afraid to say or do the wrong thing, you might have done nothing at all. Either way, your good work in understanding and acknowledging past mistakes could easily be undone.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

What you may not have understood is that you—your presence, comfort, and understanding—were the key to your partner’s recovery. Your partner felt alone and abandoned at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, “Do you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?” If the answer is, “Yes, I’m here and I care, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” your relationship has taken at least a small step forward. If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless, your partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.

A couple I recently saw—I’ll call them Allison and Mark—exemplify how couples can continue to struggle after a heartfelt apology. After months of working on their relationship in therapy, Allison summoned the courage to tell Mark how deeply wounded she had been since a dismissive remark he made to her several years earlier, at a time she was depressed and overwhelmed.

Because of the good work they had already done on their relationship, Mark was able to take in Allison’s experience without defending himself or minimizing her pain. Understanding the magnitude of her wound, he was stricken. He expressed his heartfelt apology and sat with her in a moment of shared sorrow.

But the wall Allison had put up to protect her from ever feeling that vulnerable and hurt again did not immediately come down. “I wish I could just take the wall down and move on,” she told him sadly, “but I can’t yet. I don’t know why.”

And then he panicked. What if Allison never recovered from this injury? What if there was no way to undo or repair the damage? What if she decided he couldn’t be the man she needs?

In his panic, Mark tried to convince her they couldn’t change the past and she needed to begin trusting him again. He understood what he did wrong, and he would try to be a better partner. But instead of feeling reassured, Allison felt he was telling her, “You shouldn’t be feeling hurt and alone anymore. You should be able to move on.”

If the conversation stopped here, as it often did at home, Allison would have felt Mark was once again dismissing her feelings, leaving her to struggle alone. She would have felt less trust in him than before the apology and added a few more bricks to her self-protective wall.

But this time, I was able to explain that Allison needed a different kind of reassurance. Mark then turned to her and said, “I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I don’t care how long it takes for you to take the wall down. I’m here and I love you.”

And with that, their relationship took a small but important step forward.

Marriages are often perceived by those who aren’t in them or by those who have suffered in them to be a place of restriction, resentment, and lack of understanding. Many other people, meanwhile, consider marriage to be the holy grail, the fountain of youth, and the best thing since sliced bread.

So why are so many bad marriages bad? What do so many of them have in common?

Although it may be a gross overgeneralization, trauma is often a major culprit. It’s sneaky, hides in the darkest and deepest places within a person, and boy, is it persistent!

If you’re married, I want you to reflect on your life and your marriage. What experiences have you had that could be affecting your marriage today? If you are having trouble coming up with answers, let me cite a handful I have seen come into play: growing up in a single-parent home, economic struggles, parental infidelity or divorce/separation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, lack of affection, trust breaches, deployment, illness, death of a loved one, miscarriage, even the birth of a child (yes, that can be traumatic, too!). I can list pages of experiences that might be considered traumautic.

For the purposes of explaining how trauma can undermine a marriage, I am going to use the example of childhood sexual abuse experienced by a female.

[fat_widget_right]

When Childhood Traumas Haunt Adult Relationships

Elliott and Briere (1992) confirmed their long-held belief that women who experience childhood sexual abuse were not only more likely to have symptoms of posttraumatic stress, but also to have increased negative outcomes across several areas, including their marriages. For example, women participating in the study who had been sexually abused were more likely to have reported divorces than their non-sexually abused counterparts.

The fact the extent of the abuse (whether it was an inappropriate lap-sit or a long-term incestuous relationship) did not correlate to better or worse outcomes is important to consider in the context of relationship issues. The presence of ANY sexual abuse, no matter its form or extent, may be detrimental to a person’s relationships in the long run.

So if someone wants to prevent sexual trauma from affecting their marriage, what should they do? Where should they go?

The Role of Therapy

Time and time again, couples counseling has paid off for people who worked through such trauma together. In a research study by Macintosh and Johnson (2008), dealing with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse helped more than half of participating couples achieve improved relationships.

My suggestion, however, is for couples in situations like this to go beyond couples counseling and for each partner to also pursue individual therapy. Many therapists will see both partners individually as well as together. If you choose this route, it is important to do your research on prospective therapists. Generally speaking, you want someone who specializes in or is highly experienced with trauma.

What to Expect During a Consultation

In my own practice, my routine is to meet with couples prior to beginning treatment for a consultation where I listen to general issues and history (I always assess for trauma), formulate a treatment plan, and give an estimation of therapy length. I talk about the risks, some of the difficulties, and the importance of the couple’s engagement and commitment to doing the needed work. Then I let the couple decide if they want to schedule a session.

No one gets the same treatment plan or approach. Some couples see me individually as well as in couples counseling, while in other cases I see the couple together only. For some, I may even suggest a different therapist to provide the individual or couples therapy.

Whatever you pursue and whoever you choose to pursue it with, please make sure it is a good fit.

References:

1. Elliott, D. M., & Briere, J. (1992). Sexual abuse trauma among professional women: Validating the Trauma Symptom Checklist-40 (TSC-40). Child Abuse & Neglect, 16(3), 391-398. doi:10.1016/0145-2134(92)90048-v
2. Macintosh, H. B., & Johnson, S. (2008). Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 34(3), 298-315. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00074.x

In today’s busy society, where everyone is scrambling to find time for (fill-in-the-blank activity/ person), it can be challenging to carve out time that’s entirely for you. However, the value of having time for yourself cannot be measured. Within a romantic relationship, ensuring each person still has a sense of “me” can lead to stronger and more fulfilling experiences of “we.”

Why ‘Me’ Time Is Important

Think back to when you entered your relationship. Remember that you? Chances are the friends you had and the experiences you engaged in were among the factors that drew your partner in, at least a little.

Having individual experiences can be as valuable to the relationship as shared experiences. Leaving room to allow yourself to go out and experience life without always having your partner at your side leaves you with an opportunity to share your new experiences, ideas, and thoughts when you and your partner reengage.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Challenges to ‘Me’ Time

Holding on to and expressing your individuality can be particularly challenging in codependent relationships where one partner feels like they have limited autonomy and control or that they have a controlling/demanding partner. If you find you encounter guilty feelings/thoughts or your partner becomes angry or resentful when you shift into “me” time, it might be wise to examine your relationship more closely. Maintaining a sense of self and engaging in activities independent of the partnership can be difficult even in healthy relationships, but having intense negative reactions to exploring activities outside of the relationship may be a sign it is moving into an unhealthy space.

‘Me’ Still Respects the ‘We’

Making space for your individuality within your relationship does not mean you are exiting or avoiding the relationship. “Me” time should not be used as a method to escape difficult conversations or issues coming up in the relationship. If you find you are using alone time to escape, you might try reflecting on how your habits may be markers of unresolved issues and how you might become more present to tackle difficult moments.

Good “me” time respects the partnership and your partner by avoiding engagement in activities that may harm or disrupt the relationship or foster distrust. “Me” time can allow you to reconnect with what’s important to you and can be used to enhance the connection you have with your partner.

How to Make ‘Me’ Time

Schedule it! Your own time needs to be as important to you as your best friend’s birthday party or your partner’s promotion celebration. Let it live in your calendar and carry the same weight as other important plans.

When you live with your partner, finding time to be alone can become even more challenging. Speak with your partner and find ways to carve out physical and mental space for yourself to do things you enjoy doing—say, reading or working on puzzles.

Below are 20 ways to carve out time for yourself. See how many more you can come up with, then go about picking dates on the calendar to put them into place.

1. Set aside 30 to 45 minutes after work to do something YOU want to do.
2. Take a walk or a run by yourself.
3. Plan a date with your friends.
4. Plan a date night for yourself.
5. Tackle a hobby off your hobby list.
6. Spend time journaling without interruption.
7. Take a solo vacation.
8. Treat yourself to a spa day.
9. Exercise on your own.
10. Call a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with.
11. Go hear live music.
12. Go on a hike.
13. Take a long drive.
14. Go to a movie or museum.
15. Go to a cultural event.
16. Go shopping.
17. Engage in an academic pursuit.
18. Set up an individual counseling appointment to learn more about yourself.
19. Find a TV series to watch.
20. Explore an online meet-up group that matches your interests.

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

[fat_widget_right]

2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

Couples who come to therapy typically hope for a renewed connection and deeper intimacy. Ideally, both partners are equally ready to be vulnerable and accountable. In the real world, though, one of you might be ready to dive deep into those emotional waters, while the other fears drowning. One of you is prepared to bear all, while the other feels dangerously exposed.

It’s common for partners to differ in their level of interest and openness to the therapy process. Depending on your presenting issues, your background, and any past therapy you’ve had, you and your partner may experience your therapy together very differently.

Maybe one of you has already done a great deal of internal work through individual therapy, spiritual exploration, or even self-help materials. Couples therapy seems like the logical next step because you want to use your personal healing to enrich your relationship. In some ways, the foundation you’ve built for yourself will be a great support to the work you and your partner will do together. Many times, you will enter into therapy with a great deal of patience and compassion to offer your partner as they try to meet you where you are. Perhaps your partner sees you as a model for where they want to be and uses that as motivation when therapy feels difficult or anxiety-provoking.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

At the same time, however, your differing stages of healing can bring about unexpected obstacles. If you’ve spent months or even years developing self-awareness, you’ve become accustomed to the language of emotions and to the discomfort involved in exploring the deeper, lesser known parts of the self. Perhaps you’ve confronted shame, anger, and fear and have successfully come out on the other side. You learned facing your pain reveals a stronger, more resilient sense of self. You know the benefits of the work, and you’re ready to keep going!

Your desire to hit the ground running, however, might set you up for disappointment and resentment. You might feel impatient or frustrated if you use your personal healing as a measuring stick for how your partner’s progress should look. Expecting that your health will engender health in your partner places unreasonable pressure on both of you. Don’t make yourself solely responsible for lifting your partner up; allow them to develop the self-efficacy that comes from doing their own hard work. Feel free to maintain your own progress without feeling tethered to theirs. Act as a witness to your partner’s work and acknowledge their efforts. Remember the courage it took for you to get where you are today, and offer compassion to encourage your partner to keep moving at their own pace.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development. Together, you can decide how to create a joint path to healing your relationship.

When you’re the one who has less experience with self-exploration, you face a different challenge. You might perceive your partner as soaring easily to newer heights of self-actualization, while you feel you are limping along, too far behind to catch up. Don’t judge yourself against your partner’s current experience of health. Your partner has been where you are right now. They have struggled to confront distressing emotions. They have felt discouraged when they couldn’t move forward with a new pattern of thought or behavior. And they have wanted to give up when fear or shame overwhelmed them.

Because self-improvement is an inside-out process, your partner’s growing pains might have been invisible to you. Imagine an iceberg; what we see on the surface of the water is nothing compared to the enormity of what exists underneath. Your partner’s comfort with introspection and emotional expression was hard-earned and the result of long-term, internal trial and error. Accept that you do need time, not necessarily to catch up to your partner, but to determine what the path to healing looks like for you.

If you’d like more time to prepare for the relational work, individual therapy is a great option. Sometimes it’s helpful to engage in both individual and couples therapy at the same time. Your couples therapist might even be able to offer a few individual sessions to acclimate you to the process and allow you to feel more comfortable.

At the end of the day, both of you need to feel you are working toward a common goal. Offer empathy and compassion to each other as you encounter deeper levels of intimacy. Give each other room to be vulnerable and authentic, offering acceptance and validation for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. No matter how far apart your healing processes seem to be, you can join together in couples therapy to create profound change. Your relationship can become a sanctuary—the place you both go to feel safe, connected, and finally at home.