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I define an emotional affair as a relationship in which one or both parties are involved in another significant relationship where there is emotional intimacy, sexual chemistry, and romantic feelings, without the relationship having been consummated.

Recent research indicates that 76% of Americans consider a secret emotional relationship to constitute a form of infidelity, highlighting just how seriously these connections are viewed. Frequently in emotional affairs, the partner who didn’t have the affair experiences the same degree of betrayal and breach of trust as he or she would if a spouse had a physical affair. Research shows that individuals often view emotional infidelities as more hurtful than sexual infidelities. At times, an emotional affair can feel even more damaging because someone else has met the partner’s emotional needs.

It can also be helpful to understand that an affair is often not only a discrete event, but a signal that something in the relationship system has broken down. While this does not excuse the betrayal or the pain it causes, emotional and physical affairs alike frequently emerge in relationships where partners feel unable, unsafe, or unequipped to address growing disconnection, unmet needs, or conflict directly.

Current studies show that roughly 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and your relationship can most certainly survive and perhaps even become even closer than it was before the affair.

At the same time, recovery is not only about repairing the rupture caused by the affair itself. It also involves examining the underlying emotional, structural, and communication patterns that may have created the conditions in which the affair developed. In fact, recent research from 2023 found that nearly 46% of unfaithful partners and 36% of betrayed partners believed their relationship ultimately improved after working through the affair.

Here are some tips to get you back on track:

Tip 1: Be willing to look at the affair in the context of your relationship.

Emotional affairs often start because emotional needs are unmet, the person has low self-esteem, and connecting with others online is a very easy process. Many people in unhappy relationships feel unheard, disconnected and unwanted. If one person is looking outside the relationship to get emotional needs met, it may be likely that person’s needs aren’t being met within the primary relationship. Be willing to honestly consider what had been going on in your significant relationship prior to the beginning of the affair.

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“Joanne” and “Jeff,” both teachers at an international school, recently came to see me for therapy because Jeff had an emotional affair with Eileen, another teacher at the school. When Eileen was in the process of separating from her husband, Jeff had become her confidant, and the relationship deepened from there.

When Joanne found out about the affair, she was furious, hurt, and felt out of control. She made going to therapy a condition of continuing the relationship. As we began to work together, it was revealed that Joanne had given birth to the couple’s first child a year ago. Since that time, Jeff reported feeling left out and uncared for as Joanne had been preoccupied with the baby’s needs. He was missing the easy companionship and enjoyable sex they had before. However, he never told this to Joanne, and she had no way of knowing how Jeff was feeling.

Here, the context of the relationship was the birth of the couple’s first child and Jeff’s feelings of isolation and exclusion when Joanne’s attention was diverted to their baby. Because he didn’t share this with Joanne, his emotional needs went unmet within their relationship. Once this came out in therapy, Joanne was able to acknowledge Jeff’s feelings, and together they came up with strategies for Joanne to meet Jeff’s emotional needs and vice versa.

In this way, the affair can be understood as disrupting an existing pattern that had already been fostering disconnection. While the behavior itself is harmful and must be addressed, it can also bring into focus the relationship habits, avoided conversations, and unmet needs that were present beforehand. Exploring these patterns allows couples to move beyond blame and toward a more complete understanding of their shared dynamic.

Tip 2: Talk about your feelings and needs with your partner without judgment or blame.

This is often easier said than done when strong feelings are present. Accusations can be flung, which rarely help couples resolve anything.

For many couples, these moments are especially difficult because they touch on long-standing fears, including fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of destabilizing the relationship. As a result, important issues may have gone unspoken even before the affair. Developing clear boundaries and building the capacity to tolerate the discomfort of honest conversations are essential steps in changing this pattern.

When I work with couples, I teach a communication model called [nonviolent communication NVC, or compassionate communication as I prefer to call it. Recent research from 2024 shows that NVC training has improved interpersonal relationships among healthcare professionals, reduced workplace conflict, and promoted a culture of empathy and cooperation in high-stress environments.

Using this model, couples learn how to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other without blame, then to make a request of their partner, which can be answered yes or no. I find when people take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and communicate them directly to their partners, they can be heard in a non-defensive way because there is no judgment involved.

man and woman flirting

It is a very simple model that looks like this:

Observation: I make an observation about what I heard or saw the other person say or do, like a video camera recording the action. A video camera has no judgment or blame; it’s simply recording. The statement starts with, “When you do or say ________ …”

Feelings: I name the feeling I experienced as a result of the observation. An example would be, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt and misunderstood.”

Needs: This refers to common human needs that we all experience. Examples are needs for acceptance, love, understanding, collaboration, harmony, happiness, peace, etc. Now the model looks like, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt because I have a need for respect and understanding.”

Request: I then make a request of the other person that can be answered yes or no, using the phrase, “Would you be willing to ________?”

In Jeff and Joanne’s case, after the sentence in the third category of the model (needs), I would ask, “Would you be willing to talk with me more about this without blaming me so I can better understand what you mean?” This puts the whole conversation in a different light and can elicit a very different response than when I’m simply told, “You don’t care about me.”

When an emotional affair has occurred in a relationship, it’s essential that both partners learn to express delicate and vulnerable feelings without judgment so they can get past the accusation phase and arrive at some solutions.

This process is most effective when couples work to move away from rigid roles of villain and victim. While accountability remains crucial, lasting repair often depends on each partner’s willingness to examine both the impact of the affair and the broader relational context in which it occurred.

Tip 3: Be open to coming up with new strategies to solve the underlying problem.

couple fog walking

In Joanne and Jeff’s case, the underlying problem was that, since the birth of their son, Jeff had felt excluded and hurt by what he perceived to be Joanne’s inattentiveness. Because Jeff didn’t want to feel more vulnerable, he didn’t express his feelings to Joanne. They first needed to identify the problem and then communicate their feelings and needs to each other.

The rupture caused by an affair, while painful, can also serve as an opportunity to intentionally rebuild the relationship with a healthier framework. This may include redefining boundaries, clarifying expectations, and asking an important question: “What kind of relationship do we each want to create moving forward?” Answering this together can help shift the focus from simply repairing damage to actively designing a more connected and resilient partnership.

Research on trust rebuilding shows that it is a gradual process requiring patience and consistent effort, with both partners needing to feel internal “pro-relationship” motivation rooted in care for their partner.

This paved the way for them to strategize about effective solutions. Jeff might have said, “When I come home from work and tell you about my day and you don’t listen, I feel hurt and dismissed because I have a need to be heard. Would you be willing to tell me when would be a good time for us to talk if you’re busy with the baby?”

Joanne, for her part, would have heard it was important to Jeff to talk about his day, and she may have been willing to make another time. When Jeff swallowed his feelings instead of expressing them, there was no way for Joanne to know there was a problem, so of course no solution could be reached.

Recent studies on relationship interventions show that most couples who receive evidence-based therapy obtain significant results in improving relationship satisfaction, with these effects often sustained at follow-up. Indeed, a relationship can survive an emotional affair if both partners are committed to finding a way past it.

Ultimately, healing from an emotional affair involves holding two truths at once: acknowledging and working through the real hurt and breach of trust, while also examining the relational patterns that made disconnection possible. When couples are able to do both, they are better positioned not only to recover, but to create a relationship that feels more secure, open, and intentional.

If you find this too difficult to do on your own, often just a few sessions of couples therapy can kick-start the process. Meta-analyses show that couples therapy is effective for improving relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and emotional intimacy.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

References:

  1. Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
  2. Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
  3. Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
  4. Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
  5. Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
  6. Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
  7. Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
  8. Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
  9. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

Woman sits on edge of bed with head in handsHave you ever been in a relationship that felt as though it sapped all of your energy? If so, you may have been in a codependent relationship. Codependency is generally defined as a type of relationship in which one person supports the other in an unhealthy behavior of some kind. This could be enabling someone to maintain an addiction, to not take responsibility for his or her actions, or to become overly reliant on you.

Codependency is often learned in a dysfunctional family environment. There are generally underlying issues that have been ignored or minimized, such as an addiction, physical or sexual abuse, or a family member struggling with a chronic mental health condition. Frequently, the person in the caretaking role disregards personal needs and focuses on providing for the other financially, emotionally, and/or physically. The person being taken care of comes to depend on the caretaker’s help in order to enable him or her to maintain life choices. Feelings in this type of family or relationship are generally repressed, and problems tend to go unacknowledged.

Some of the signs that indicate you might be in a codependent relationship include:

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  1. Recognizing the harmful behaviors that your partner or loved one is engaging in, but providing for that person in such a way that he/she is not having to suffer consequences.
  2. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship despite the emotional and psychological toll to your own health.
  3. Feeling unappreciated, angry, and resentful, but also afraid of retaliation if you stop “rescuing” or taking care of the other individual.
  4. Difficulties with setting appropriate limits or boundaries in the relationship.
  5. Putting the needs of others before your own.
  6. Being overly protective and taking on all responsibility for your partner or loved one.
  7. Minimizing or denying the problem.
  8. Having poor communication skills, especially regarding the problem and/or your emotions.

Although the caretaker in the codependent relationship usually has good intentions and generally acts out of a sincere desire to help a partner or loved one, the situation typically ends up backfiring. Over time, the caretaker an start to feel unacknowledged and taken for granted. By constantly protecting the loved one from the consequences of his or her actions, the relied-upon partner actually helps to foster even more of the destructive behaviors. This, in turn, prevents the loved one from experiencing important life lessons and learning to take responsibility.

So how can you stop the unhealthy dynamics of a codependent relationship? A few methods include:

Although codependent relationships can be extremely challenging, change is possible by following some or all of the methods listed above. A great deal of pain and suffering can be alleviated by learning to set healthier boundaries in order to stop any destructive behaviors and support the growth of the partners or family members involved.

Moving couple holds stacks of boxesNot all couples plan for a trip down the aisle. Even couples who have been in a relationship for years may choose to forgo tradition and not get married.

Statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) indicate that over the last decade, adult Americans appeared to be steadily falling out of love with marriage. According to the report, the year 2012 saw an average of 6.8 marriages per 1,000 people, a consistent decrease from 7.5 marriages per 1,000 people in 2006 and 8.2 marriages per 1,000 people in 2000.

A 2011 analysis of United States census data conducted by the Pew Research Center found only about 51% of American adults are currently married—a record low. Compare these statistics to the 72% of American adults who were married in 1960, and some social trends may begin to emerge.

A Shift in Public Attitude About Marriage

With numerous studies suggesting healthy marriages promote physical well-being, boost mental health, and protect children from social and educational problems, the following questions may arise: Why do some couples choose not to get married? And what living arrangements are replacing marriages in 21st century America?

[fat_widget_relationships_right]Data from the Pew Research Center analysis suggests age and public attitudes may play significant roles in the current trend to remain unmarried. Of all Americans ages 18-29, only 20% are currently married, compared with 59% in 1960. Whether young adults are completely abandoning marriage or temporarily delaying it is not yet clear. However, evidence suggests young adults today may be focusing on furthering their education or seeking to establish a social foundation before considering marriage. The analysis reveals an increase in the number of college graduates who decide to marry later in life.

Public attitudes toward marriage are also changing. While marriage may have been expected in the past, the current perception is somewhat mixed, with a growing number of people viewing marriage as unnecessary, said Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, an expert in relationships and marriage. A 2010 Pew Research survey reports almost 40% of Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete.

“Marriage is no longer looked up to, and being single is no longer looked down upon,” Lori Hollander said.

What factors have contributed to this public shift in perception? The increasingly sophisticated desires of modern-day adults, coupled with the drive to fulfill these desires with as much freedom as possible, may be influential. Bob Hollander, husband of Lori and a relationship therapist for more than 25 years, suggests people simply want more out of life and love.

“Happiness is no longer just about having a full-time job and keeping the bills paid,” Bob Hollander said. “We now see people who are looking beyond mere survival, and the needs that are being met are simply more sophisticated.”

People in the past may have viewed marriage as an effective way to start a family, build financial stability, or gain happiness, but many modern-day adults are able to meet those needs without a marriage license.

In recent years, single-parent households, single-person households, and cohabitation have all become more popular. Whether the intention to marry is present or not, couples are now moving in together before marriage more than ever before. This trend may be attributed to multiple factors, including:

Tools for a Successful Relationship

According to data from the Pew Research Center, marriage may still be a goal for many Americans, even if it is not among their top priorities. Thirty-six percent of adults report a successful marriage as being one of their most important goals in life, while 48% of Americans say a successful marriage is not most important. A larger portion of adults (53%) view being a good parent as one of their most important goals.

People in the past may have viewed marriage as an effective way to start a family, build financial stability, or gain happiness, but many modern-day adults are able to meet those needs without a marriage license.More than half of Americans surveyed believe marriage does not make a difference in having a fulfilling sex life, being financially secure, feeling happy, reaching a desired social status, or getting ahead in a chosen career.

Stuart B. Fensterheim, LCSW, a specialist in emotionally focused therapy, relationships, and marriage, explains the changing nature of beliefs about healthy relationships.

“For years, people have lived with the idea that relationships are one big guessing game,” Fensterheim said. “On top of that, so many folks now fear that they will have to give up something that they love in order to sustain a marriage. Healthy partnerships are just not that way.”

Married or not, there are many resources available that may help build a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship. Couples counseling can help take the guesswork out of relationships, set realistic expectations, and teach the skills needed to enable love to grow. Individual partners may also seek the assistance of a qualified therapist if they are experiencing specific personal challenges.

References:

  1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). National marriage and divorce rate trends. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm
  2. Cohn, D. (2013). Love and marriage. Retrieved from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/02/13/love-and-marriage/
  3. Cohn, D., Passel, J. S., Wang, W. & Livingston, G. (2011). Barely half of U.S. adults are married—a record low. Retrieved from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2011/12/14/barely-half-of-u-s-adults-are-married-a-record-low/
  4. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K. & Mosher, W. D. (2013). First premarital cohabitation in the United States: 2006-2010 national survey of family growth. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr064.pdf
  5. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K., Vespa, J. & Mosher, W. D. (2012). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006-2010 national survey of family growth. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
  6. Rosenblum, C. (2013, September 13). Living apart together. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/15/realestate/living-apart-together.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1

Close up of couple kissing

Many couples experience a surge in sexual excitement and activity when they begin to try for a baby. They may be suddenly free from hormonal birth control methods or the barrier sensation of condoms and often feel they have a closer and more intimate connection than before.

However, after a short time, if a baby has not been conceived, this heightened sense of intimacy and sexual excitement may fade. What typically replaces it is a sense of monotony and routine—sex by schedule, goal-oriented sex, sex under pressure—as well as anxiety, grief, and loss and lowered self-esteem. The emotional ups and downs can be hard for people to endure time and time again. Hope is erased by the first sight of your period, and then sadness and grief take over.

Sometimes, partners experience guilt on top of all these other emotions. Is it my fault we are not getting pregnant? Is it his fault we are not getting pregnant? Are we doing it wrong? Could we have done something differently? Is it because I did X, Y, or Z? Many people also feel guilty that they want sex only in order to conceive. What’s wrong with me that I don’t desire my partner sexually except to make a baby?

This can be an extremely difficult time for couples. They often feel alone, especially when they see “baby bumps” and strollers everywhere they go. The pressure to conceive often colors the mood and trajectory of the sexual relationship.

Here are some recommendations that may help you continue to enjoy sex while going through the process of trying to conceive:

  1. Even if sex is planned or scheduled, don’t forget the foreplay, take your time to turn-on both you and your partner. Sex doesn’t have to be rushed just because you “have” to do it. Try setting a timer for 30 or 45 minutes and don’t begin intercourse until that timer goes off. This may help you focus on becoming aroused, touching each other, and enjoying one another. Take time for sexual arousal to set in explore your partner’s body and pay attention to all of your partner’s erogenous zones for a better sex experience.
  2. Focus on pleasure and the female orgasm. Many women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex alone and require clitoral stimulation. This is nothing to be ashamed of and most of the time can even highlight both partners’ sexual experiences. Though many assume the male ejaculation is all that’s really needed to create a baby, there are a lot of benefits to focusing on pleasure and even female orgasm. In one study, researchers R. Robin Baker and Mark Bellis found that female orgasms that happened between one minute before the male ejaculated up to 45 minutes afterward led to higher levels of sperm retention. Furthermore, getting into the habit of having sex only for procreation may bring about reduced interest in sex on the part of both parties. Once a couple gets into the habit of having sex as a matter of routine and without much arousal, it can be hard to get out of that habit.
  3. Try something different. Many couples get in sexual ruts from time to time. Consider changing the environment. Even having sex in the shower, in another room, or adding some new lingerie or candles can enhance the experience and make it feel less routine. Consider adding sex toys such as a vibrator to enhance her sexual pleasure. Consider starting with a different sex position than you normally would new positions can take good sex, to great sex. Other ways you can make your sex life feel less routine are adding lube, roleplay, and even oral sex can help reawaken your partners sex drive.
  4. Remember it can take time. It’s important to know that, for many couples, it can take several months to a year or more to conceive. Try not to get discouraged, exercise self-compassion, and give yourself the benefit of patience.
  5. Talk to your partner about your experience and listen to your partner’s experience. Grieve together. Share feelings. Remember people experience loss differently. Although your partner may not cry in front of you, it does not mean he or she does not feel sadness. Share your feelings, but don’t expect your partner to feel the exact same way you do. Listen and be compassionate. Relating on this shared experience grows emotional intimacy, which will help you have greater sexual intimacy as well.
  6. Consider taking a break from “trying.” Take a break from scheduled ovulation times and just have sex when the mood arises. Not only might this kindlesexual desire, it may relieve some of the pressure and anxiety you both feel.
  7. Talk to someone in your support system outside of your partner. Be selective about who you talk to because some people may not be as helpful as you may like. Some people may give you all sorts of unwanted tips and “old wives’ tales” about what they heard will help you get pregnant. Some may be overly intrusive. Select a few trusted people to talk to, such as close friends, family members, or a therapist, who can help meet some of your emotional needs. Remember that your partner is also going through this difficult time and may not be able to fully support you the way you need because he or she is going through his or her own process as well.
  8. Schedule date nights or other fun activities you enjoy outside the bedroom. Having more fun together may remind you that you’re not just “partners”—you really like and love each other. Those positive feelings may carry over into sexual activities. Be sure to take the time to cuddle and embrace each other afterward.

If you’re having difficulty conceiving, you are not alone. Reach out to your support system, get the medical attention and therapeutic support you need, and focus on what you love about your partner. Sustain emotional intimacy and focus on the pleasure of being together by not rushing to the male ejaculation. Extend foreplay and remember that just because sex may be scheduled does not mean you cannot also experience pleasure and even orgasm.

Reference:

Baker, M. M., & Bellis, M. (1993). Human Sperm Competition: Late Manipulation by Females and a Function for the Female Orgasm. Animal Behavior, Vol. 46, 887-909.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C

Portrait of unhappy young couple having problemsSeveral minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a “Fall Fun Festival,” I could tell something wasn’t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. “Are you mad at me?” I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, “No, it’s fine,” and walked out the door to run some errands.

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way—me probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he’s mad, but he’s not TELLING me he’s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can’t he tell me how he feels?

There’s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (“What’s going on for you right now? You look angry”). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that’s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.

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Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:

  1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds. While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions is after the intensity of the moment has passed.
  2. Check in with yourself about how you’re feeling in the moment. Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what’s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn’t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood is impacting you and the relationship. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.
  3. Assume your partner’s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity. The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.

It took a long time for me to find the words to say, “Hey, I’m feeling really distant from you right now. It’s a lonely, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.” It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience—whether he was actually angry at me or feeling a variety of other ways.

If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist.

Before I try to answer your question, I have to come clean. When my husband Mark and I first met 30 years ago I lived with a 7-year-old boy, two snakes, two cats, a dog, a bunch of tropical fish, two turtles, and, if I remember correctly, a couple of hamsters. All this in a typical (read small) Manhattan apartment. After we wed, Mark said, “I didn’t just marry Lynn—I joined her biosphere.”

Mark had grown up with almost no pets, except, after much lengthy pleading, a goldfish his mother bought him, and which died pretty fast.

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I have never lived without a pet, and I loved all the members of what Mark called my biosphere, even my son’s snakes! I had those creatures before I met Mark, so I did most of the work, which was fair, except Mark kindly walked the dog every morning and sometimes at night, too, and he cleaned out the cat box when I was pregnant. He has learned to feed the livestock if he gets up first, but he refuses to sleep with any animals other than me. That was a blow to me and the cats, but we adjusted.

Now Mark says, “I’ve grown to like the beasts.” When he says this, I think (but do not say), “Beasts? What beasts?”

The snakes, the dog, the fish, the turtles, and the hamsters all died eventually, and we slowly pared down on livestock, but I cannot bear a house without cats. I have always lived with cats. My earliest happy memory is visiting a mama cat and her newborn babies.

My thoughts about you and your girlfriend, the dog and the two cats? First off, I think all members of a household, both furry and not so furry, have to agree before adopting anyone new. No one joins up unless everybody is on board. The puppy is the new baby, and I wonder when and how he or she appeared. Was there discussion? The ASPCA and other adoption agencies (pet stores, not so much) try to make sure all family members agree before adding a new member to the family. This protects the furries and the less furry. Cats and dogs are a responsibility, and taking one into your home is like having a child. You are responsible for the animal’s well-being. They deserve love, compassion, and respect—just like humans.

The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Through no fault of their own, furry companions walk into the line of fire and elicit strong emotional reactions between people. The furries become symbols of communication problems. They can be a bridge between their people or they can be a dividing line. This is not fair to anyone.

I suggest that you and your girlfriend have a long and frank talk together, not only about the pets but also (and most importantly) how you connect and make decisions together. You might consider relationship counseling so you can get back on track. The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Dr. Joel Gavriele-Gold wrote a book about this called When Pets Come Between Partners: How to Keep Love—and Romance—in the Human/Animal Kingdom of Your Home. You and your girlfriend might want to read it together.

Best wishes,
Lynn

Two older adults sit on sofa at small table facing away from each other with arms crossed

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Recent research confirms that managing relationship conflict is indeed a difficult yet crucial task for romantic partners, and the intensity and impact of conflict depend on several variables, including the nature of the relationship, the context in which the conflict occurs, and the strategies employed to address it. Many partners struggle to find ways to avoid hurt feelings without avoiding discussion altogether. You might feel unable to control your actions at times, especially when you feel attacked or shamed. You and your partner may get locked into dynamics that feel inevitable, and you might begin to respond to each other based on the repetition of those patterns rather than what is happening in the present moment. These recurring patterns often reflect underlying attachment styles, which can develop early on and continue to shape how partners respond to each other in conflict.

Self-awareness and empathy can allow you to define your patterns and become aware of what triggers you and your partner to feel the emotions that lead to defensive and contemptuous behaviors. Research demonstrates that developing self-awareness, along with active listening—the practice of fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what someone is saying—can help you become more empathetic. High levels of self-awareness are a sign of high emotional intelligence that leads to improved communication, more empathy, improved conflict resolution, and improved emotional regulation.

Often, understanding the patterns of your arguments is enough to de-escalate or even prevent harmful interactions. As individuals mature and gain more experience in managing conflicts and relationships, they develop a much clearer inner structure and more flexible and consistent use of conflict management dimensions. There are times, however, that this information leads partners to look at each other and say: “You know what triggers me. So when you stop, I’ll be able to stop, too.”

Who has the responsibility here? The one who has grown more aware of her partner’s sensitivity to a certain tone, or the one who learns he is sensitive to tones that remind him of earlier, painful experiences? Both, of course! Keeping in mind that taking responsibility for how you respond doesn’t mean you’re accepting disrespect, abuse, or hurtful behavior from your partner. Both partners need to be attentive to both their own behaviors and how they react to each other. But what happens when your partner isn’t being skillful enough to alter his or her behavior? Do you jump right in and engage in your old pattern?

couple in angry fight

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Here is the moment where you make an important choice. What would happen if you didn’t need your partner to change first, so that you can change in response? What would it be like to take ownership of your own development and create change simply because you understand its importance?

You can ask your partner to be mindful of your sensitivities, approach you differently, and refrain from certain language or tones. But you cannot allow yourself to place your self-control and your accountability in the hands of another. It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. Research by John Gottman has shown over decades that an excessive amount of defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and breakup, which he called one of the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” for relationships. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Think about what would happen if you recognized the pattern and stopped it in its tracks. Imagine being the one who chooses not to perpetuate the cycle just this one time. What would you feel knowing you had reduced the opportunity for pain and disconnection between you and your partner? And in that stillness—that moment where the dynamic breaks down—so many options emerge. What other behaviors could you choose that might lead to connection, hope, and love?

man and woman flirting

Research on interpersonal emotion regulation shows this is a crucial skill that underpins the emotional dynamics in couples’ relationships, involving not only focusing on one’s own emotions but also considering one’s partner’s emotional experience.

If you’re in a high-conflict or potentially unsafe relationship, or if past experiences have left you feeling easily triggered, it can be hard to manage your emotions in the moment. Working with a therapist on your own first can give you helpful tools for staying safe and regulating your emotions before trying these strategies with your partner.

Remember: postponing or altering your reaction does not mean you condone disrespect or abuse. But if you know you and your partner are committed to a healthier relationship, then re-commit during the conflict. Slow down long enough to determine what you want to do next. Rather than feel compelled by adrenaline, anger, or inaccurate interpretations, become curious! Emotional regulation is essential for healthy relationships because it directly impacts how we communicate, resolve conflict, and stay connected. In relationships, emotional regulation means being able to manage your own feelings—like anger, frustration, or anxiety—so that you respond to situations thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Be curious about your own needs, feelings, and experience. Perhaps a deep breath or a walk around the block could calm your nerves long enough so you can reengage with your partner in a more loving way. Maybe you just need to clarify that you heard your partner correctly. Or perhaps you might describe how the current interaction feels to you and ask for a new beginning. Ask for as many new beginnings as you need to get it right.

person removing wedding ring

What your partner does in response to any of this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to promote interactions that align with the kind of relationship you want. As long as you come from love, compassion, and understanding, you will see your partner more clearly because your misconceptions and pain will no longer cloud your vision. When we understand our own emotions and experiences, we become more attuned to those of our partner, recognizing their triggers, biases, and limitations. Self-awareness helps you take things less personally, step into your partner’s shoes, acknowledge their perspective, and find common ground, ultimately strengthening your relationship. Once you really see your partner, you can decide if you still want to invest your time and energy into the relationship. If your partner also longs for a new dynamic, he or she will appreciate your effort and most likely want to reciprocate by joining you in a fresh start.

Ultimately, you must begin with yourself. Take a risk and make the first move. Recent studies show that among married individuals, the functionality of emotion regulation strategies has been associated with higher marital satisfaction and fewer conflict and stress events. Even a small change can dramatically alter the path you’re on and bring you closer to the relationship you desire.

References:

  1. Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
  2. Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
  3. Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
  4. Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
  5. Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
  6. Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
  7. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
  8. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
  9. Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.

Man and Woman Noticing Each OtherI recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

  1. I have something to tell you.
  2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
  3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
  4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

  1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
  2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
  3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

I think you have quite a bit of insight about your problem: your childhood experiences and past relationships have shaped your worldview in such a way that you don’t trust your current reality.

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You have made yourself vulnerable by committing to not hurting your husband—and that feels scary to you. We all carry some baggage from our formative experiences into current relationships. It seems, however, that your fears are preventing you from enjoying your relationship as you could. I imagine you find yourself in a pretty constant state of anxiety or fear—watching and waiting for evidence that you might get hurt. That’s exhausting. It also can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect someone to tire of us, and we push for reassurance or we accuse them of not caring enough until they do tire of our behaviors and disengage from the relationship. That then confirms what we believed all along—that people will hurt us and leave us.

Most people will leave us if we push them away hard enough. The challenge is not to push when we feel scared or vulnerable, but to engage and connect.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles.

There is no quick fix or easy answer to your question. I recommend that you find a therapist to work through your relationship fears and feelings of self-worth. There is quite a bit of healing that will likely need to happen before you can fully embrace being in relationship with another person.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles. You can talk with a therapist about how to bring your husband into the work you do together—as he can likely be a great support for you. If he understands your triggers and how to respond most effectively to you, that can only enhance your relationship. However, I do not suggest focusing on couples work. I think you would benefit first and foremost from individual work to address your concerns.

Best wishes,
Erika

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it hurt your feelings, to say the least, when your husband laughed at your request to remove the woman from his Facebook friends list. I also think that, while your feelings are very understandable, this woman is in some ways a red herring for both of you. My sense is that something is missing from the marriage and your feeling undervalued might be there with or without the online classmate. Somehow, his flirtation only exacerbated a feeling of disrespect and devaluing—a big “ouch” for anyone.

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First of all, “extremely flirtatious” sounds concerning. From what you saw, did it stray into the sexually explicit? Did they toy with the idea of taking things a step further—“Hey, at the next class reunion, you and I will have our own private stroll down memory lane,” or something along those lines? It is hard to make a judgment about this secondhand, though again the important thing is your hurt feelings and the sense of being in second place (yikes). We all want to feel we’re “the one” with our partner. I also, though, wonder if his leaving it open for you to read was an unconscious communication of a kind, a signal to you that he wants these kinds of conversations with you and not her. An indirect distress call of sorts, or maybe even a protest bordering on the passive-aggressive. If this is truly a “secretive” relationship, he’s not being very secretive about it.

As for marital drift, I can’t tell you how common an issue this is for long-term marriages. Routine and day-to-day security is a double-edged sword: it is comforting, but it can dull our appreciation of who we’re with. We feel secure in knowing what to expect, that our partner is there for us, day in and day out … and may also begin to wish for something a little more vivid and emotionally satisfying, since our partner is always there day in and day out. Routines both soothe and lull us into complacency. Plus, if someone is “always there,” there may be little urgency regarding sex. Sex and physical intimacy (touching, cuddling) can wait until later, or the next day, tomorrow, maybe this weekend, next week … etc. Perhaps, then, this incident is an opportunity to rekindle something. Your husband obviously means a great deal to you, and I have the feeling a little freshness in the romance department could liven things up.

I’m thinking of at least two things to possibly try, depending on the state of affairs. First, more superficially, you could try something spontaneous that you both find a turn-on, something outside the usual routine—a weekend getaway somewhere you both like, some lingerie or a sexy movie you can watch together (and no, we’re never too old), back rubs, an old role-playing game you haven’t tried in a while. These are just some of the first things that come to mind. Laughter, too, can be sexy. Perhaps you both need a night out at the comedy club, or dance lessons (my wife’s favorite), followed by a nice dinner while sharing memories. There’s also massage: a foot rub with massage lotion can do wonders, taking a bath together with candles, and so on. Again, these are more surface things, but sometimes a little spark is all that’s needed.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Or it could be that what’s needed is way of addressing the depths of your feelings and the concern over a strained connection; you may want to sit him down, at a time that works for both of you, and spell out as calmly and non-accusingly as you can what it is you feel and would like to see happen, to make sure he really understands your concerns and how this episode has hurt. I recommend approaching this as partners who are seeking to strengthen the bonds of “the team.” (Rather than “you’re my problem here,” it’s “distance is our problem here.”) Try to keep the focus on you as much as you can, rather than that online woman. He is married to you, not her, but you’re not feeling it lately. You miss him as the man you love, and want to feel him as your chosen partner, not (I’m just guessing) your roommate. You can also mention that when he laughs and dismisses the idea, it feels minimizing and perhaps even abandoning.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Try asking him for his perspective, and—here’s the hard part—try and listen as openly as you can. Imagine, for a moment, you are a friend and not his wife. Is there something bugging him about the relationship? What does he think may be going on here? What was it he found with this friend and not you that can, hopefully, be sparked in the marriage? Does he understand how hurtful it was to stumble upon this online “chat”? I hope that such a dialogue would strengthen your bond, since hurt feelings can also be a catalyst for a couple’s coming closer together with deeper understanding.

It is often a turn-on to feel one’s partner understands how they feel, what they desire, and what hurts. Then we have not just a partner but an ally, someone in our corner who knows our heart, warts and all, and loves and accepts us for who we are. I hope you and your husband are able to find some of this … and there’s no shame in seeking out some couples counseling if the two of you need a little assistance sharing and hearing each other. Sometimes, even just a handful of sessions, with a focus on empathic and reflective listening, can help.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for bravely writing!
Darren

Thank you for your message and for having the courage to reach out. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage has run into some challenging times. I hope this message will prove useful and will help you find some solutions.

When partners seem to lose interest, it is natural for the other party to feel as though perhaps it has something to do with them. While that may be the case in some situations, it is not always that way. Often, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the partner.

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There are many reasons people might lose interest in sexual activity—work stress, financial trouble, and physical issues are just a few possible reasons. Before assuming that your husband is no longer sexually interested in you, consider that there may be something else going on.

The first question that comes up for me is whether your husband might be experiencing some erectile dysfunction issues that may be getting in the way of his sexual interest/willingness. If that is the case, he may be embarrassed and masking it with anger. For some men, the loss of the ability (or decreased ability) to function sexually is a significant blow to their masculinity. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, but it is worth considering. There may be any number of other causes. Sometimes, people lose interest in sexual contact with their partner if the partner changes his or her physical appearance, hurts them deeply, or if they feel somehow unsafe in the marriage. As you can see, the possibilities for why your husband may not be interested in sexual contact right now are many, and until you do some exploration, you may not have the answer you’re seeking.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on. Let him know that you love him and want to meet him where he is but you must know what’s happening with him. Let him know that you are not judging him, not taking it personally, and simply want to understand so you can know how to proceed.

If he remains unwilling to talk, you may want to consider seeking out a therapist who can help you decide what steps to take next.

When you approach your husband, be sure to do it at a neutral time. Whatever you do, don’t approach him right after he refuses sex, because that is a high-tension time. I suggest you set a time with him, a few days or even a week in advance, when you can talk. If you both work and have stressful weeks, maybe choose a weekend time. When the time comes, sit down in a quiet place, free of distractions, and begin the discussion. If things get heated or tense, it’s always OK to take a brief “timeout” to cool down and come back to it. With a difficult topic like this one, it may take a few tries to discuss it fully, but a peaceful and satisfying resolution will be worth the effort.

However, you know your situation better than I do. The shouting you mention is concerning. If you ever feel unsafe with your husband or have any indication he could be physically violent, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and/or finding a safe place to stay, at least until things calm down.

Good luck,
Lisa

Two Young Women Friends Sitting Together on SofaRelationship issues and communication problems are frequent reasons many individuals and couples come to see me for therapy. One aspect of the work is to explore feelings and conflicts in relationships and empower people to engage with their partners with the aim of understanding and being understood. To do this, we look at what interferes with the ability to be empathic to the other’s experience. It would seem that understanding where the other person is coming from and seeing their point of view would not create difficult problems in relationships. However, it turns out not to be so simple. The loss of one’s sense of self in the process of engaging another’s feelings must be addressed.

The Risk of Empathy

As I engage with these people in therapy, I often discover that there is a limitation in the ability to be empathic in relationships, especially in situations where there is disagreement. Some believe that acknowledging empathy when there is conflict puts them at risk because the other will mistake their understanding for agreement. If that should occur, the empathic person can feel like their thoughts and feelings have been dismissed and negated. They fear that their expression of empathy will be seen as acknowledging the rightness of the other and they will be the loser. The feeling is not just of losing the argument, but a loss of some piece of the self.

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Glen and I were working on his feelings of helplessness with his partner, Alan. They had been a couple for six years, but to Glen’s disappointment, he could not get Alan to agree to move in together. Each time Glen suggested they give it a try, Alan got angry and told Glen to stop nagging him. He would say he loved Glen, but had no interest in living together. Glen would feel hurt and pushed away.

“He is so mean to me,” Glen said. “I don’t know why I stay with him when he repeatedly rejects me. Can I really believe that he loves me when he treats me this way? You know how scary it is for me to speak up for myself in my life. You and I have been working on that and now that I’m doing better and asking for more, what good does it do me? When I ask Alan for what I want, he still mistreats me.”

I asked Glen: “What do you understand about why Alan, who has stayed with you for six years, won’t move in with you?”

Glen replied: “He says that in his last relationship, living together was a disaster and he and his partner fought constantly. But just because it makes him anxious that our relationship will become like that is no reason to keep denying me what I know will be perfectly fine. I just think he wants to control me. He is talking about his history and absolutely refuses to see us as different. I get so hurt and angry. He can get really sad and even cries sometimes when he tells me how painful that relationship was. But he needs to get over it.”

Glen could see only his own point of view. It was very difficult for him to be empathic—to get him to consider what it would be like if he put himself in Alan’s shoes. He became very irritated with me.

“I don’t get it,” Glen said. “You have helped me to learn more about who I am and what I want, and now you want me to abandon my own thoughts and feelings and wear Alan’s shoes. I need to stay in my own shoes. Alan’s shoes don’t fit me. Maybe he should try my shoes on for size.”

I asked Glen to tell me more about what he thinks the downside would be if he could empathize with Alan. He had no trouble replying.

“If I let myself feel what it’s like to be Alan and recognize his worries and anxieties, it will legitimize his point of view. What I want will lose all meaning. I know I’m right about this. We have had this fight for almost six years and now he would win. I don’t want to be a loser. You know, for the most part we have a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together; we love each other; we have fun. But every time I bring up that if we don’t live together it isn’t a real relationship, we get into a huge fight. Then it feels like we are enemies and neither one of us will give in. I’m afraid that if I stop fighting for this, I will become helpless and powerless in the relationship and disappear. Sometimes I even think Alan would leave me if I gave in because he would think I’m a wimp with no sense of who I am or what I want.”

Glen mistakes allowing himself to understand how Alan feels about moving in together for agreement with Alan. He is stuck on the idea that he will be a “loser” if he is empathic. But his biggest fear is that being empathic means he will betray his own wishes and lose a part of himself.

Identification, Not Empathy

In contrast to Glen, Katy is concerned that she has too much empathy. She came to see me because she was feeling overwhelmed with feelings of having to care for her aging father and, at the same time, attend to her daughter who had just left for college and was having a difficult time adjusting. She described her emotional situation as follows:

“I am so filled with feelings I can’t breathe. My father is very sick with cancer. He’s scared and very demanding. I feel so much empathy for him. I’m frightened, too. We’re so close. What’s going to happen to me when he dies? I’m also on call for my daughter. She can’t seem to settle in at college. She calls me every day. I spend hours trying to soothe and reassure her. I know just how she feels. I remember when I went away to school and my parents would try to help me. She is such a mess. I’m such a mess. My father needs the same kind of soothing she does. I guess I do, too. My husband tries to help, but he thinks I’m over-involved. I don’t know how I could feel any other way. My father and daughter are both in pain, and I can’t help but share their feelings.”

Katy saw herself as a loving and responsible daughter and mother. She believed her response to her family members was the “right” way to feel. While she acknowledged feeling burdened by the demands made on her, she thought that “it’s my duty to give my all and do my best to make them feel better.” She recognized that for months she had given up much of her own life to devote herself to her family. Not only was she exhausted, but it was creating conflict with her husband: “He told me that I’m always anxious and preoccupied and that I’ve disappeared from our relationship. He says it’s OK to worry and help, but he accused me of being consumed with my father and our daughter. He keeps saying, ‘Where are you? I want you back.’ ”

Katy describes herself as feeling empathy for her father and daughter. These intense feelings, however, are not empathy. Empathic feelings occur when one can emotionally imagine what it is like to be in another person’s feeling state. Someone with empathy strongly feels what the other person is feeling but maintains a sense of being separate. In contrast, Katy is identifying with her father and daughter. She can’t maintain her separate self. The feelings she experiences are the same as the feelings her father and daughter suffer. She is identifying with them and taking on their feeling states. She cannot have her own separate, empathic feelings. Her sense of self is lost.

Loss of One’s Sense of Self

The therapeutic work with Glen and Katy could easily focus on the concrete problems each of them brings to their sessions. Glen and I could work on his becoming comfortable with Alan’s refusal to move in together. Or we could look at what makes Glen feel so mistreated and rejected when this occurs. And we do explore those issues. Katy and I could work on her anxiety and guilt about her conflicts and limitations in helping her family members. And we do work on these issues as well as on her relationship with her husband.

Empathic feelings occur when one can emotionally imagine what it is like to be in another person’s feeling state. Someone with empathy strongly feels what the other person is feeling but maintains a sense of being separate.

But the therapy with both these individuals has been most productive when we address the feelings of loss of self. For Glen, conflict in the relationship is exacerbated when he refuses to empathize out of fear of losing himself. For Katy, there is no room for herself when she identifies with the other and becomes overwhelmed and infused with everyone else’s feelings.

As we dig deep into the dynamics of these two relationships, we are left with the necessity of having to explore: What happens to me when I am faced with the other person’s feelings? Glen struggles with considering that he can try on Alan’s shoes and appreciate how they fit Alan, even if they are not his style. He is beginning to recognize that he can like the look for Alan, but know that he doesn’t have to change the style that is right for him. Katy looks at how she responds to her father’s and daughter’s feelings and is learning that she is not the same person as her family members. She is starting to recognize that she can set boundaries and still be a good and loving family member. It is not easy, however, to separate and feel for them, rather than become them.

As Glen and Katy come to understand what has interfered with their being empathic, they are in a better position to relate to their significant others in loving ways while retaining their sense of self.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

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