Communication problems are the number one reason couples split up, with 65% of couples citing this issue as the primary cause of divorce, according to a 2013 survey. But it’s not only romantic relationships that are affected by communication issues—they are often at the root of conflicts in our everyday lives.

Perhaps we fail to say what we mean, or we misinterpret the words of another. Whatever the blunder, we could all benefit from recognizing our communication mistakes and turning them into communication skills.

Here are 10 common communication problems and mistakes:

1. Not Truly Listening

When we are communicating with someone, we often are not committing our full attention. We might be looking at our phones, watching television, or even daydreaming about something else.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]When we don’t actively listen to the person we are speaking to, not only do we run the risk of making the person feel invalidated, but we also miss important nonverbal cues and may not fully understand the person’s message. To avoid communication mishaps, it is best to give the speaker 100% of our attention. Effective listening skills include making eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and remaining engaged.

2. Assuming You Know the Message Before the Person Finishes

We’ve all done it. We’re listening to a friend speak, and we already assume we know what is going to be said before they finish their sentence. When we assume we know what the person will say, we miss what is actually being said. Honor the speaker by remaining openly curious and listening intently for the message rather than predicting what will be said.

3. Interrupting the Speaker

We’ve probably all interrupted another person midsentence once or twice. It can happen accidentally, or we may get so excited about what we want to say and fear we will forget our response if we don’t just go ahead and say it. Others may interrupt during arguments as a power move.

Whatever the intention, interrupting can make a person feel invalidated, as if what they have to say is unimportant. Have respect for the other person, and allow them to finish the message entirely before you respond.

4. Using “You” Statements Instead of “I” Statements

When we are discussing our feelings with another person, we need to own those feelings rather than place the responsibility on the other person. It can be easy to say, “You did this” or “You didn’t do that.”

When we use “I” statements, we take ownership of how we feel and are less likely to make the other person feel attacked. Instead of saying, “You didn’t call me back…” try saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call.”

5. Letting Your Emotions Dictate Your Response

When we react emotionally, we are likely to say things we don’t mean. A good communicator allows emotions to sit for a while and then chooses to carefully respond rather than react.

6. Failing to Account for Cultural Differences in Communication

Cross-cultural communication can be difficult. Words can take on different meanings, and cultural norms surrounding nonverbal communication may vary. When communicating with people from other cultural backgrounds, it’s important to account for cultural differences in communication styles. If we don’t, we may accidentally offend or miscommunicate with someone.

7. Misinterpreting the Message

We may misinterpret others more often than we think. To avoid this, it is best to give the person our full attention and paraphrase the message back to the speaker to ensure we have understood correctly.

In today’s society, we are more susceptible to misinterpretation, as we rely heavily on technological communication. Without tone of voice and nonverbal cues, it can be easy to misunderstand each other. When using text or email communication, be sure to use appropriate punctuation and ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the other person.

8. Being Indirect

Being subtle and/or indirect in communication is usually ineffective. We can’t expect other people to read our minds. If you want someone to understand you, try being direct and try not to “beat around the bush” in conversation.

9. Attacking Character Rather than Behavior

When we are upset with someone, it is easy to say things such as, “You’re a jerk” or “You’re an idiot.” Rather than attack someone’s character, an effective communicator should address the actual behavioral issue and leave it at that.

10. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

When faced with the possibility of a difficult conversation, many people choose to avoid or prolong the conversation as long as possible. People usually perceive a conversation as difficult when they are faced with telling someone something that person doesn’t want to hear. It might be delivering bad news or bringing up a conflict of interest.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.Perhaps you dread telling your children about your cancer diagnosis or don’t want to hurt your partner by revealing an affair. Whatever the topic, avoiding difficult conversations only makes matters worse long term. Tension can build and you may end up bringing the issue up at the wrong time, which could create additional conflict. Withholding information can create distance between you and the other person. You also run the risk that the person will receive the information from a third party first.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.

Relationship, couple, and marriage and family therapists can help individuals, couples, and families learn how to improve communication skills by addressing their issues and offering solutions for more effective communication. If you are experiencing communication problems in your relationships or just need some relationship advice, consider seeing a therapist.

References:

1. Family Therapy: Tips to Improve Communication. Behavioral Health Evolution: Innovative resources for treating substance abuse, mental health, and co-occurring disorders. Retrieved from: http://www.bhevolution.org/public/effective_communication.page
2. General Information about Communication Problems. (2008). International Training Program on Intractable Conflict. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. Retrieved from: http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/problem/commprob.htm
3. Poor Communication is the #1 Reason Couples Split Up: Survey. (2013, November 20). Huffington Post: Divorce. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/divorce-causes-_n_4304466.html

Love doesn’t check birth certificates, but relationships with a significant age gap can come with unique joys and challenges. Whether your partner is a decade or two older—or younger—understanding these dynamics can help you build a healthy, lasting connection.

A middle-aged man dating a much younger woman has long been a familiar image in American culture, sometimes linked to a midlife crisis or seen as a status symbol. However, age gap relationships aren’t limited to this stereotype. Older women sometimes date younger men, and the archetype of the “cougar” is now part of popular culture. Same-sex couples may also have significant age differences.

Recent research shows that nearly four in ten (39%) Americans have dated someone with an age difference of 10 years or more, indicating these relationships are more common than many people realize. Globally, research from 2024 found that men are on average 2.2 years older than their female partners in North America, with this gap varying significantly across different cultures and countries.

While age alone doesn’t determine whether a relationship is real or meaningful, it can create unique considerations. Navigating the social and emotional aspects of your relationship while addressing generational differences can be challenging—but it can also broaden your perspectives and deepen your appreciation for each other’s life experiences.

Understanding Your Experience

If you’re in an age gap relationship, you may be navigating feelings of uncertainty, excitement, or social judgment. You might notice that friends or family have opinions—sometimes supportive, sometimes not. These emotions and reactions are common. Recognizing your feelings and those of your partner can help you approach the relationship with empathy, clarity, and confidence.

According to Melissa Klass, LMFT, much of the stress in age-gap relationships comes not from the couple themselves but from the reactions around them. “In therapy, I often see couples who feel confident about their connection but begin to question it when friends or family repeatedly raise concerns,” Klass explains. “Part of the work becomes helping partners stay grounded in their own values rather than internalizing outside judgments.”

1. Know When the Age Gap May Be Too Large

Love can be unpredictable, and feelings don’t always follow logic. But a significant age gap can sometimes create legal, social, or practical issues—especially if one partner is under the age of 18. Thirty U.S. states have age gap laws, often called “Romeo and Juliet laws,” which make sexual activity legal if the ages of both participants are close to one another. Even though state laws regarding the general age of consent and age gap laws differ, it is common for people in the United States to assume that sexual activity with someone under 18 is statutory rape. In these cases, the relationship may carry legal consequences, no matter how genuine the emotions.

Even if the relationship is legally sound, consider how the age gap might affect its long-term future. If you want children, think about whether fertility is a concern. For women, fertility begins to decline after age 30 and drops significantly after 35, with pregnancy rates declining notably for those in the 35-39 age group compared to younger women. A father’s age also affects conception chances—partners of men older than 40 take longer to conceive, and it takes around two years on average if the male partner is older than 40, even longer if he’s older than 45.

Lifestyle differences can also be significant. If one partner is just beginning a career while the other is considering retirement, planning for the future together can be more complex.

2. Understand Your Reasons for Dating Across Generations

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older, reflect on your motivations. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating outside your age group, but patterns can offer insight into your relationship style.

Some people seek the stability or experience of an older partner, while others are drawn to the energy and openness of someone younger. Recent 2025 research found that men dating younger women experienced higher relationship satisfaction than men dating older women, while women showed satisfaction with both older and younger partners. Psychological research indicates that older partners are often drawn to younger partners for feeling valued and appreciated for their experience, gaining renewed energy and fresh perspectives, and benefiting from established confidence and authenticity.

If you notice a consistent pattern in your dating history, it can be worth exploring why. Self-awareness can help ensure you’re building connections for the reasons that truly matter to you.

If you’d like to explore these questions with a professional, you can find a therapist in your area who specializes in relationship dynamics.

Once you’ve reflected on your motivations, the next step is preparing for how your backgrounds may influence your perspectives.

3. Be Ready to Navigate Generational Differences

Even in strong relationships, differences in life stage and cultural touchpoints can surface. You and your partner might have grown up with different music, technology, or social norms. Political views, values, and historical events can shape each person’s perspective.

Generational differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings, with older generations favoring face-to-face conversations while younger generations might opt for text messaging and social media interactions. Partners may have divergent tastes in music, technology habits, or social values—for example, a younger partner raised in the digital age might prioritize online connectivity, while an older partner may value face-to-face interaction.

Rather than avoiding these differences, use them as opportunities to learn. Ask about your partner’s experiences and share your own. For more insight, see our guide to family and generational differences.

4. Prepare for Criticism and Outside Opinions

Family, friends, and even strangers may have opinions about your relationship. Some may focus on your partner’s age rather than your shared values and connection. Research shows that age-gap couples (defined as partners separated by more than 10 years) perceive substantially more social disapproval regarding their relationship than couples with minimal or no age gaps. In fact, studies have found that age-discrepant couples report experiencing significantly more social disapproval than individuals in gay or interracial relationships.

Recent surveys show that concerns over what others think decrease with age—nearly a quarter (23%) of Americans ages 18-34 are afraid of what people might think of them if they engaged in age-gap dating, versus 12% of those ages 35-54 and 7% of those ages 55+.

While close loved ones might deserve an explanation, it’s okay to set boundaries with those who offer unsolicited judgments.

“Age-gap couples often feel pressure to defend their relationship in ways other couples do not,” says Melissa Klass, LMFT. “Learning when to explain your choices and when to simply set boundaries can make a significant difference in protecting the relationship.”

Plan a calm, respectful response that reaffirms your commitment without inviting ongoing debate. This can help prevent repeated, draining conversations about the age gap rather than your relationship itself.

5. Avoid Letting Age Define Your Relationship

Age is one factor among many in a relationship. If you focus on it too much—either to justify the relationship or to explain disagreements—it can become a wedge between you. While acknowledging real challenges is important, avoid attributing every difference to age.

Many successful relationships with age differences are built on shared values, interests, and life goals rather than similar birth years. Instead, focus on shared values, mutual respect, and the unique qualities you appreciate in each other. Healthy communication and problem-solving skills matter far more than the number of years between you.

When to Seek Professional Support

Age differences can present challenges, but they can also enrich your relationship with new perspectives and experiences. By approaching the relationship with openness, curiosity, and respect, you can create a strong connection that transcends the numbers.

If age-related differences start to feel overwhelming—whether due to family disapproval, conflicting life goals, or concerns about the future—a therapist can help. Working with a mental health professional can provide a safe space to navigate these issues and strengthen your partnership.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has helped people connect with ethical, qualified therapists. If you and your partner want extra support navigating these dynamics, connecting with a qualified therapist who understands the nuances of age gap relationships can make a meaningful difference. Find a therapist near you through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

References:

1. Ausubel, J., Kramer, S., Shi, A. F., & Hackett, C. (2022). Measuring age differences among different-sex couples: Across religions and 130 countries, men are older than their female partners. Pew Research Center.
2. Banbury, S., Pacan, B., Kostadinova, D., Hada, J., Morriss-Roberts, C., Quarcoo, S., & Chandler, C. (2025). The relationship between age-gap relationships/dating, sexual function, relationship satisfaction, sexual self-efficacy and well-being. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1–16.
3. Gottfried, J., Ševčíková, A., Blinka, L., & Lambert South, A. (2024). Couples age discrepancies in a large-scale European sample: Evolutionary and sociocultural perspectives. Personal Relationships, 31(4), 987–1000.
4. Ipsos. (2024). Half of Americans say they have been in a 10+ year age-gap relationship. Retrieved from https://www.ipsos.com/en-us/half-americans-say-they-have-been-10-year-age-gap-relationship
5. Julian, C. A. (2025). Age composition of same-sex & different-sex couples, 2023. Family Profiles, FP-25-16. Bowling Green, OH: National Center for Family & Marriage Research.
6. Lehmiller, J. J., & Agnew, C. R. (2008). Commitment in age-gap heterosexual romantic relationships: A test of evolutionary and socio-cultural predictions. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 32(1), 74–82.
7. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. (2026). Fertility problems: assessment and treatment (NICE guideline NG257). https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng257 [nice.org.uk]
8. Higdon, Michael J. “Queer Teens and Legislative Bullies: The Cruel and Invidious Discrimination Behind Heterosexist Statutory Rape Laws” (Archive). UC Davis Law Review, University of California, Davis. Vol. 42, p. 195–253. 2008. Retrieved on September 13, 2015.
9. Scolpino, D., & Steele, H. (2024). Age-Gap Relationship Stigma. Media Education, 21(1), 112-125.
10. Your Fertility. (2024). How age matters for your fertility. Australian Government Department of Health. Retrieved from https://www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

If you are involved in a relationship with a person who has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you’re likely familiar with this scenario: You have a discussion with your partner. It turns oddly off course. You’re left confused. And then—slam!—you’re hit with something hurtful that takes the wind out of your sails.

This is different from other conversations that go off the rails. In this case, you have to struggle with the realization that your partner did not mean to hurt you. There was no intent to abuse, but you are reeling just the same.

So what do you do with the pain?

Do you deny it because you understand it was not inflicted intentionally? Or do you ignore it, hoping it will go away?

These are two time-honored methods used by many of the individuals who come to my office for counseling regarding this aspect of their relationships. The problem is that they backfire; by using them, you generally end up feeling more hurt. Then the ground is fertile for resentment and contempt, and—as relationship researcher John Gottman has repeatedly pointed out—once these emotions enter a relationship through what he calls the “Four Horsemen” patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), it is very difficult to retrieve mutual respect and rebuild.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Besides, you already know these methods don’t work.

How do I know that you know? Because you likely don’t feel any relief.

Recent research has enhanced our understanding of communication between autistic and neurotypical partners. Studies supporting the “double empathy” framework show that communication challenges often arise from differences in social communication styles between autistic and neurotypical individuals, rather than deficits in either person. while autistic individuals face challenges in relationships including communication barriers, they also possess strengths such as pattern recognition and truthful communication.

If you are seeing a counselor, be certain that he or she understands the unique dynamics of being in a relationship in which one partner is on the autism spectrum. From an educational perspective, there are enormous implications that might make the difference between being helpful to a neurotypical partner in an autistic-neurotypical partnership and being not so helpful.

What may look like self-centeredness or even narcissism in your story is more likely to be your legitimate expression of not feeling heard by your autistic partner. , your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

While it may not be the result of conscious disregard, your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

] Contemporary research shows that autistic individuals report high levels of interest in pursuing and maintaining romantic relationships, and autistic people are involved in satisfying long-term relationships when understanding and accommodation are present.

If your partner is in counseling, or if you are in couples counseling together, it is equally important that your therapist have a specialized understanding of this unique relationship. Autism exists on a spectrum with great clinical heterogeneity, ranging from individuals who require significant support to those who can function independently with typical or above-average intellectual abilities. However, understanding the impact of the neurological differences and the arc of possibility upon which they can play out in an intimate relationship is essential for fair couples work, and certainly for providing substantive assistance to the person with the diagnosis.

A neurodiversity-affirming approach views autism as neurological differences to be understood and accommodated rather than deficits to be fixed. Recent developments in autism support emphasize helping neurotypical people learn autistic communication preferences rather than requiring autistic individuals to mask their natural communication styles.

If you suspect that your partner is on the spectrum but has no diagnosis, please bear in mind that a professional assessment is essential; there is no online quiz or self-help book that will help you to make that diagnosis on your own.

Still, you know your situation best. If your partner is hurting you emotionally and you can’t seem to get him or her to understand you when you talk about your pain, as a starting point, consider couples work with a counselor who understands autism spectrum disorder. The couples work will be helpful regardless of whether autism is a factor, and as is frequently the case with couples with whom I work, an assessment becomes part of our work together. Everyone wins. The person either has or does not have the diagnosis. It is a triaging tool in that it allows a couple to move forward knowing what they are dealing with in their interpersonal communication.

Research suggests that when both partners develop understanding of differing communication styles and consciously use strategies to bridge communication gaps, deeper connection and relationship satisfaction can result.

Please don’t try to swallow your pain. At the very least, recognize that if you feel hurt, it is because you ARE in pain, regardless of intent or circumstances. Your pain is real—and it deserves your attention.

Be kind to yourself.

*If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for free and confidential emotional support.*

Find a therapist

References:

1. Neu, B., et al. (2025). Autism in romantic relationships: A content analysis of challenges and strengths (2013–2024). Journal of Family Theory & Review. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.70001
2. Bottema-Beutel, K., et al. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder in 2023: A challenge still open. PMC. PMC10724724
3. Stokes, M. A., et al. (2023). Factors of relationship satisfaction for autistic and non-autistic partners in long-term relationships. Autism, 27(8), 2348-2360. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231160244
4. Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. DOI: 10.1089/aut.2024.0124
5. Jones, D. R., Botha, M., Ackerman, R. A., King, K., & Sasson, N. J. (2024). Non-autistic observers both detect and demonstrate the double empathy problem when evaluating interactions between autistic and non-autistic adults. Autism, 28(8), 2053-2065. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231219743
6. Crompton, C. J., et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704-1712. DOI: 10.1177/1362361320919286
7. Haroon, R., & Dogar, F. (2025). NeuroBridge: AI tool to help neurotypical people learn how to better communicate with autistic people. Tufts Now. Retrieved from https://now.tufts.edu/2025/12/05/helping-neurotypicals-understand-autistic-communication
8. Wise, S. J. (2024). We’re all neurodiverse: How to build a neurodiversity-affirming future and challenge neuronormativity. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
9. Gottman, J. (2024). The four horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
10. Lerner, M. D., Gurba, A. N., & Gassner, D. L. (2023). A framework for neurodiversity-affirming interventions for autistic individuals. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 91(8), 503-515. DOI: 10.1037/ccp0000839

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and cannot imagine the pain you and your wife must be experiencing as she fights her battle against cancer. Let’s get to the root of your questions.

[fat_widget_right]

You love each other. You can’t help being what she needs you to be—she needs you to be you, loving her, and you clearly do. Yes, you will be optimistic if you can and if that helps. Yes, you can cry in front of her after she has had sufficient time to digest the news, and you can cry together to mourn the life that you will not have together, as well as to celebrate the life you have together now and have had to this point. You are grieving. Of course you are grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Although you say your wife is acclimating to the news better than you are, it’s possible she’s trying to stay “strong” for you, and is grieving inside every bit as much as you are. It’s OK to grieve together. In fact, it could be very helpful. Talk to your wife about what you are feeling and see how she feels about experiencing your grief as a team.

Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments.

You describe your wife as a fighter, and you sound like you are one, too. You will find ways to be together and do the things you love best. And in those times when grieving in front of your wife doesn’t feel like the thing to do, when you need to scream and holler and let go, it’s absolutely OK to find a private place and do so. You can walk down a busy city street and yell your heart out (I’ve done this myself), or you can hide in the woods and do the same. You can lean on a good friend or family member who will help you mourn and be angry and be thankful, and break apart and heal and hold together.

You have time still to show your love, to enjoy the everyday-ness of being together. Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments. You will be brave and cowardly, angry and loving, and express all the emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and you will do so both together and separately. All of it is OK. All of it is normal. All of it is whatever you make of it. Please let yourself feel what you feel.

Your wife needs help, yes, but don’t forget that you do, too. You need and deserve supportive people—family, friends, perhaps even groups who will help you through this. You can’t do it alone.

Many hospitals have support groups where people meet and help one another through difficult times. Are you members of a religious or spiritual group? Would you consider working privately with a therapist or counselor—someone just for you, or someone for you both? I highly recommend the empathic support of a therapist to help guide you through the range of emotions you’re feeling right now, especially a therapist who specializes in grief, loss, and bereavement.

I hope you can feel the love and peace that I wish you both.

Take care,
Lynn

“Time is the currency of relationships. There’s no way to invest into a relationship without investing your time.” —Dave Willis

Time is a mystery. When we’re young, we have all the time in the world. When we’re married with kids, we never have enough time. When the nest is empty, we wonder where the time went. As we age, we increasingly comprehend the value of time. When faced with the realization that time will end, we truly appreciate just how precious it is.

I learned that lesson 20 years ago when my younger sister, Harriet, age 30, got a rare and aggressive type of cancer—only 200 cases or so of adrenal cancer are diagnosed per year in the United States, according to cancer.org. They gave her six to nine months. True to her personality, Harriet fought; she had surgery, then chemo, then more chemo and more surgery. She extended her life for 15 months. She taught me the meaning of time. She wanted as much as she could get.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

During those 15 months, I had a full-time practice, a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old, and less time than ever. But I knew I had to make time. Time to spend with her, time to go to the hospital, time to shop together, time to talk, time to laugh, time to grieve, time to say everything we could think of to say to each other before she passed. If you asked me where I got the time, I couldn’t tell you. I just made it. Harriet taught me the value of time. I stopped saying, “I don’t have enough time.” I realized that time is priceless, and that I had more control than I had previously thought.

We choose how to spend our time every day.

In couples and marriage counseling, I often hear frustrated couples complain, “We don’t have time for date nights,” or, “We don’t have time to work on our relationship.” There are too many tasks, long days at work, food shopping, laundry, homework, after-school activities, sports, and lessons. The list never ends.

My response is, “You have to make the time.” If your relationship, your marriage, and the future of your family are important, become the master of your time.

You may think it’s impossible, but even small changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples of what my husband, Bob, and I did to master our time over the years:

• When our kids were young, Bob and I scheduled a long lunch together every Friday to connect. We made it a priority—sacred time. We used to joke that it was the only time there were no kids and we were both awake.
• We limited the amount of time for our kids’ activities so we could have dinner together some nights. By the way, the kids grew up fine; neither of them has complained about not participating in enough activities, but if they do, I’ll tell them to complain to their therapists.
• We took the kids on some memorable family vacations before they got to the stage where they didn’t want to be seen with us.
• Three or four times each year, Bob and I went to a bed-and-breakfast, for just one night and two days, to remember why we married each other. We looked forward to those weekends. It kept the passion alive.

Time is precious. We all have 24 hours a day. What we do with our time will define the quality of our lives and our relationships.

The secret to finding more time for your relationship is to realize that you have the power to create it. Here are six tips that will help:

1. Take stock: Have a conversation with your partner about how you spend your time each week. Talk about work, time with kids, activities, laundry, cleaning, shopping. Discuss what is working and what isn’t, and what you would like to change.
2. Create your time wish list: Brainstorm the activities you would like to do together if you had more time. Then prioritize them. Don’t forget sex; making love often ends up on the bottom of the list.
3. Identify what you can change: Figure out what you can do to create more time together. For instance:
   • Take personal or vacation time to spend the day together without kids.
   • Adjust work schedules; go in earlier and come home earlier.
   • Limit the number of activities the kids participate in.
   • Establish cutoff times for electronics in the evenings—computer, cell phone, Facebook.
   • Hire a babysitter more often or trade off babysitting with friends.
   • Pay someone else to clean or do chores.
   • Lower your standards about the neatness of the house.
4. Build time rituals: Create activities that you can build in habitually so you don’t have to remember to make time. Some examples are:
   • Schedule a regular date night.
   • Get up 15 minutes early and have coffee together.
   • At the end of each day, spend 15 minutes together talking.
   • Have a weekly lunch together.
   • Buy a subscription to the symphony or tickets to the ballgame.
   • Go to bed together at night and cuddle.
5. Plan ahead: Make time together a priority. Each Sunday, look at your calendars for the upcoming week and plan your time together. Make appointments for sex. You may prefer spontaneity, but that’s not always possible.
6. Share gratitude: Don’t take time for granted. We may have 24 hours a day, but we never know for how many days. (At his yearly checkup, Bob always asks his doctor for his expiration date, but the doctor won’t tell him.) Show your partner you are grateful for your relationship, for your life together, for your family. It’s the greatest gift on earth.

Here’s to my wonderful sister, who taught me the most important lesson of my life: to spend the gift of time wisely.

I’d love to hear how the issue of time shows up in your relationship. Please comment below.

Thank you for your question. It does indeed sound as though the vice-like grip of guilt has taken hold. Painful, indeed. As Pete Campbell from Mad Men said in the show’s final season regarding having an extramarital fling or affair, “It feels good, and then it doesn’t.”

I suppose some might advise you to not tell your wife under any circumstances, that telling her can only cause grievous harm and would only be for your own benefit (such is the certainty of most advice columnists). This may prove to be the wisest path, although before I personally go there, I would be curious about a couple of things. First, what is it that prompted you to stray? It could be any number of things, both general to early marriage and specific to you personally. What stressors were present in and outside the relationship? Some who have experienced past relational injuries or trauma (in childhood, for example) can, later in adult life, find sustained marital intimacy challenging, to the point where some feelings and desires appear or feel “shameful”—needs that, it seems, can be met only outside the relationship, which unfortunately ends most often in regret, guilt, and more shame.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

What might have been causing distance between the two of you? And are any of those issues present today? Assuming it always takes two, what do you imagine to be your “side” of the issue—and has this problem or obstacle been resolved? Is this aspect of the relationship (on either side) still an issue?

Could this be what is bothering you today, that this “part” of yourself (however it manifests) might still be unacceptable to your wife, and that by sharing about the affair you’re also testing to see if this particular aspect of yourself is accepted by your wife?

Or is it that you were a different person then, and that this past issue has no bearing on the relationship as it exists today, but that you’re anticipating possible fallout if she were to find out … so better to just come clean?

If the problem no longer exists, it may be wiser to sort it out with your own conscience before taking the complicated and highly unpredictable step of discussing it with your wife, assuming you decide to do so. I think it would be hard to say if or when she would forgive you; she might, but she might not, or it might take years. You, of course, know her better than I do. What is it you feel will help the relationship by telling her? If it is more a matter of your own conscience, is she the best person to offer forgiveness or redemption?

What is always keenly ironic to me is that sometimes partners will stray outside the relationship to “protect” the partner from those shameful or unwanted parts that we are sure will offend the other. We fear being too “needy,” too “kinky” in bed, too angry, too sad, and so on. Those emotional needs and feelings thus find a home outside the relationship, making it more likely that the relationship will suffer, possibly fatally.

Keep in mind your wife may very well, like many partners, take the affair as a rejection of her, proof of her own inadequacy still existing today. In other words, it’s quite possible the affair will feel to her—though it’s long over for you—as if it just happened. This will be new information for her, possibly turning the perception of the marriage on its head. I am curious as to what the benefit of this might be, given the risk. Perhaps deciding how you feel about the affair will make it easier to discuss with your wife, should you go that route. I don’t know that it would be up to her to resolve your own conscience on the matter.

In other words, you may not get the peace of mind and redemption you’re seeking, so perhaps it’s best to make peace with this as best you can before seeking out her forgiveness—because it could take months or years, and meanwhile you’ll be in the same pressure-packed boat while she figures out how to feel about it. Unless by telling her you feel you both might be “in the same boat”?

The other thing that occurred to me is that the impulse to tell her might, even unconsciously, be a way of creating distance again. Some might call it self-sabotage, though I’m not so crazy about that term as such sabotage might also be, on some level, protecting us from intolerable uncertainty and vulnerability. Again, if intimacy is challenging (as it is for most of us in one way or another), there is a part of us that both craves and fears closeness, lest the injuries or abandonments of the past play out again (not literally, but via new hurts or slights that press our old buttons). Maybe it’s as if you’re saying, “Well, OK, you love me, but do you really love me? Try this on for size!” This might spring from a historically recurring question of whether you really “deserve” the intimacy or love you crave and have found now. If it ain’t broke … as the old saying goes. But sometimes, our deep fear of injury or (symbolic) reinjury leads us to distance ourselves or evade our partner in all manner of ways. In other words, is this a genuine, heartfelt question or a desire to rock the boat in disguise? Maybe both?

Behind the morality of “do I or do I not deserve love” lies the deep fear of being rejected or exiled from our beloved, since we have so little control over the love given to us by others. Do you have a fear of receiving love in general, or dread sustained vulnerability? Could it be you are still upset with your wife about something, and telling her this news is a way of transmitting a feeling of betrayal you have felt but never expressed? If so, is there a different way of doing it, as the fact of the affair itself might well be a red herring, since the truth likely lies less with the what and more with the why of it.

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

It’s also true that infidelity often happens early in a relationship, where a sustained commitment of love and intimacy is frightening to a person. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen where one partner strayed shortly before or after an engagement or marriage, especially (ironically) when such engagement or marriage was something long-desired. The only thing scarier than not getting what you want, sometimes, is getting what you want.

The more I think about this, the more I think you are struggling with, quite possibly, an existential or highly personal rather than relational question. Before deciding whether to take it to your wife, try discussing this with a therapist (even if it’s only short-term), trusted friend, or spiritual counselor. My sense is that we first have to get right with our own conscience—or make best efforts—before handing that power over to someone who might need time to understand or get over their own hurt. A partner always has their own subjective filter, and it is hard to see how his or her perspective will or won’t align with ours. (It also occurs to me that your wife may end up forgiving you in a way that feels almost dismissive to you, like, “Well, it’s in the past, let’s move on,” which could feel dismissive of your current angst.)

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

You could even try writing out a “confession,” in as honest a way as possible, and then read it to yourself a few days later (or, again, to a trusted confidant). Then imagine being in her shoes and hearing it for the first time. You might ask, how does this serve the “we” and not just the “me”? Who might benefit, really; are you seeking a redemption that—for a while, at least—she may not be able to give? This way, you can make a decision, fraught with emotional risk, that you have thought through and reflected upon as best you can.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

What I am going to describe is what can happen when children grow up and begin to realize that they are not living their lives according to their own wishes and desires. They start to recognize that their sense of personhood—who I am and how I must be—is based on expectations learned in their earlier relationships with significant others. In therapy, they engage in a process that allows them to discover the ways in which they are controlled by what were spoken and unspoken expectations and the consequences of noncompliance. This was the work with a person I’ll call “Annie.”

Annie began therapy by expressing strong feelings of confusion and unhappiness about her sense of self:

“I’m so unhappy. I don’t know who I am and I can’t figure out what I want. Or if I think I want something, I’m never sure if it’s me who wants it, or my mother, or my husband. Everybody thinks I’m so wonderful: sweet, kind, easygoing. They have no idea how sad and irritable I feel. I find myself getting angry at everyone, but they don’t seem to deserve it and I don’t know why I’m angry. Who am I, anyway? What is wrong with me?”

Annie, a 48-year-old recently married woman, began to tell me how, since her marriage two years ago, she has been feeling increasing dissatisfaction in her life:

“I don’t get it. I met my husband Steve three years ago. We had a very strong, instant attraction and immediately started to see each other all the time. It felt wonderful to be together. He was funny and smart and he made me feel special. He was always saying how kind and sweet and thoughtful I was. We got along amazingly, never argued or disagreed. My parents loved him. After five months we were engaged, and married about five months after that. I think something started to change for me when we were planning the wedding.”

I asked Annie if she and Steve had conflicts about the wedding. She responded:

“It’s funny. Steve wasn’t very involved in the wedding plans. Me and my mom really put it all together. I don’t know. Maybe it started when Mom was so clear about what kind of wedding it should be. She wanted a large, fancy wedding. I was not a young bride, and I thought something small and more intimate would be better. But she was so excited and kept telling me that she was going to give me the wedding that she and my father never had. So I agreed to the big wedding. I think I was very used to saying yes to my mother, so I don’t think I let it register that it wasn’t what I wanted. At the time, it didn’t feel like a big deal. Looking back, after the wedding I started to feel more irritated toward anyone who told me what to do. It didn’t even matter whether or not I wanted to do it. I just wanted to say no to everything and everyone. I stopped making sense to myself. I didn’t feel like the nice, sweet Annie anymore. “

Annie and I began to explore the “nice, sweet Annie.” I asked: “Who is she and how did she get that way?”

Half smiling, half crying, Annie recalled that her parents used to sing made-up songs to her about “sweet little, kind little Annie” who everybody loved. She began to sing to me: “She’s sweet and neat and very, very good. Just ask anyone in the neighborhood …”

This cute, little song became central to our work. Annie and I began to look at her associations and memories as we unpacked the meanings the song evoked. Annie spoke of her close relationship to her parents and how wonderful it felt to be so loved. She began to wonder if she associated all the approval, love, and appreciation she got from her parents with the expectation that she be a good, nice, sweet girl:

“I have this very strong memory—I must have been 9 or 10—where I remember begging my mother to let me go for a weekend with my friend Ellen and her family. My mother didn’t want me to go and, very unlike me, I yelled at her and told her she was mean. She started to cry. My father was in the room with us and started to berate me. He told me, ‘You’re mean. How can you be so hurtful to your mother? She knows what’s best. You need to listen to her.’ I was devastated. I felt like such a bad person. I’m pretty sure I was crying and ran up to my mom and tried to hug her. She pushed me away and left the room. I felt so ashamed and sorry. It was awful.”

Over many sessions, Annie uncovered many meanings and expectations of what it meant to be a good girl: “Good girls listen to their parents. They are polite. They don’t get angry. They work hard in school. They are helpful. They don’t upset people. They don’t disappoint people. They don’t make people angry. They’re cheerful …”

Annie began to recognize that she was expected to fulfill these good-girl requirements or risk painful consequences: “I think the memory of my dad telling me I hurt my mother is significant. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I think I spent the rest of my life making sure my mother was not upset, hurt, angry, or had any bad feelings. I think I not only made sure I wasn’t the cause of any of her bad feelings, but I took on the job of protecting her from anyone else making her uncomfortable or unhappy.”

The more Annie and I talked, the clearer it became that she has been feeling pressure and anxiety to conform to those old good-girl requirements with “Steve,” her new significant other. She began to emotionally understand that the expectations she attributed to Steve belonged to the relationships with her parents, her earlier significant others.

The more Annie and I talked, the clearer it became that she has been feeling pressure and anxiety to conform to those old good-girl requirements with “Steve,” her new significant other. She began to emotionally understand that the expectations she attributed to Steve belonged to the relationships with her parents, her earlier significant others. She explained: “I feel pressure with Steve to be compliant and make sure he doesn’t have any bad feelings. Now I’m beginning to think this is not so much what Steve wants, but more about me and my parents. I think this is how I believed I had to be in any loving relationship. I’ve started to talk with Steve about this and I’m feeling less pressure to be the ‘good girl’ with him.”

Annie was beginning to make efforts to let Steve know her wishes even when she thought he would not approve. With Steve, she was becoming more comfortable allowing herself to discover her needs and wishes and to ask for what she wants. Her relationship with Steve is developing into an attachment that repeatedly confirms that she can experience acceptance and love in the face of not always being the “good girl.” This is helping Annie with her most noteworthy transformation: her evolving strength to tolerate her mother’s bad feelings and emotional withdrawal.

In contrast to her relationship with Steve, it is much more difficult to express her own opinions, needs, and desires around her mother. The old beliefs that she is responsible for her mother’s bad feelings and required to protect her mother from hurt and disappointment were internalized at a young age. Ideas about what is required of a good daughter are not easily transformed. Annie can acknowledge intellectually that it is not her job to keep her mother in an emotional comfort zone. She recognizes how her impulse to respond to her mother’s unspoken requests for soothing is triggered when her mother calls her to report an emotionally upsetting reaction to something. She is aware that when her mother is upset by something that occurs between them, she immediately feels responsible for causing the bad feelings and needs to act quickly to make her mother feel better.

She explained:

“I know I am feeling more anxious around my mother because now I’m aware of my conflict between wanting to take care of her feelings and wanting to be free to know what I want and be able to express it. Since we’ve been working together, I am much better at knowing what I want, but it mostly still feels too risky to not protect my mother. I feel like I must soothe her. I’m so afraid of her hating me. She can get very cold when she feels hurt, angry, or disapproving. It’s so scary to think of losing my mother.”

When Annie’s “good girl” behaviors toward her mother began to change, it was difficult for her to consider the possibility that her mother’s old responses could also change. It was helpful for Annie to accept that if she took small steps to express her own voice to her mother, she could test if there could be any change in her mother’s old emotionally abandoning responses. Annie has discovered that while her mother can get cold and dismissive, she recovers after rejecting Annie and can shift to being a more loving mother.

Annie continues to work on developing the ability to assert her individual self to her mother. She now understands that she has not only been protecting her mother, but has also been protecting herself from feeling emotionally abandoned by her. She knows she can’t significantly change her mother, but she has been slowly changing her own ability to withstand the intolerable fear of being abandoned and losing the emotional connection with her mother. Most essential in this process has been Annie’s growing ability to feel her emerging strength and resilience as she increasingly believes in her capacity to survive abandonment and be less frightened of asserting her own wishes and needs. This bodes well for her ability to develop and express all of her self states to others as she allows herself to engage more fully in the world.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Many parents will readily admit that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. According to a new study published in Demography, becoming a parent may make people less happy, and that unhappiness can cause parents to avoid having more children.

This might help explain why more than 15 million American families only have one child, which accounts for an increase in one-child families in recent years, according to the United States Census Bureau.

Does Happiness Decrease After Having First Child?

Lead researchers Rachel Margolis, of the University of Western Ontario in Canada, and Mikko Myrskylä, of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany, theorized that pleasant experiences with a first child might inspire couples to have more kids, but a difficult transition to parenthood could discourage further family growth after one child. To test this theory, they used data from 2,301 German parents who participated in the German Socioeconomic Panel Study between 1984 and 2010.

Each year, the study asked participants to rate their happiness on a scale of 0-10. Parents also answered questions about their relationships, jobs, and childbirth experience. This allowed researchers to compare parents’ happiness two years prior to having a child, through the transition to parenthood, and up to a year after becoming parents. More than 70% of parents reported becoming unhappier after the birth of their first child. On average, they reported a 1.4-point drop in happiness compared to two years before their first child was born. More than a third saw their happiness plummet by more than 2 points.

Unhappiness was also tied to the decision to have another child. Fifty-eight percent of parents who reported a decline in happiness had a second child within 10 years, compared to 66% of parents who did not experience a decline in happiness.

[fat_widget_right]Among parents aged 30 and older and those who had at least 12 years of education, the correlation was stronger. The researchers speculate that this may be because mature, well-educated parents may be better at applying their experiences to family planning decisions. Parents with more education may also have demanding careers that make it more difficult to balance family and work obligations, but the researchers say their findings remained even after accounting for factors such as parents’ income, marital status, and place of birth.

Despite Research, People Still Have Kids for ‘Joy’

The study only tracked happiness scores a year after having children, so researchers are not sure that childrearing leads to a permanent drop in happiness. It could be that the sleepless nights usually associated with raising a newborn, coupled with the challenges of transitioning to parenthood, temporarily cause happiness to plummet.

Previous research highlights the nature of parenting, which can be stressful. A study by sociologists Kei Nomaguchi and Melissa A. Milkie found that couples who became parents did more housework and bickered more often. That same study also found that mothers were less depressed after having kids than single women without children, and that single fathers were more likely to be depressed than any other group.

No matter what the research says, many parents continue to believe parenting is a recipe for happiness. A 2010 Pew Research Center study found that 87% of parents said they became parents “for the joy of having children.” Seventy-six percent cited this joy as a key factor in the decision to have kids.

References:

1. Jayson, S. (2010, May 6). Most parents have kids for ‘joy’; to many it ‘just happened.’ Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-06-whykids06_ST_N.htm
2. Senior, J. (2010, July 4). All joy and no fun. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html
3. Whiteman, H. (2015, August 13). Does becoming a parent make us miserable? Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298122.php

When it comes to relationships, many clichés exist for a good reason: a lot of them are true. Making and keeping long-term connections is, of course, some of the oldest and hardest work humankind has ever undertaken, and there isn’t much that’s new to say about it.

The following five basic truths about relationships form the core of my couples counseling. Yes, you’ve heard them before, but when they are looked into more deeply and practiced more willingly, they often lead to a strong, healthy relationship.

1. The secret to a long-lasting relationship is to not split up.

It’s so clear-cut it almost sounds glib, but sometimes the simplest fact is also the most profound. Relationship longevity, at times, comes down to a decision each partner makes to value being in the relationship above all else. We all get seduced by the idea of a new mate who promises more fascination, more compassion, and more romance (the three qualities quickest to fade after a few years together). One characteristic common to all enduring marriages, however, is a shared sense that a long-term connection is worth more than a short-term one. In other words, the security and stability that can come only after decades together is just as, if not more, important than the pull of a shiny, new partnership.

Long-term relationships are for realists. They aren’t easy. Periods that are lovely tend to be interrupted by periods that are stormy. During those tough times, you might feel as if you’re only staying together because it’s the right thing to do or because there’s no other way to achieve longevity. The commitment is to each other, yes, but during those times when “each other” is not the haven you’d like it to be, the commitment becomes to commitment itself.

2. We marry our parents.[fat_widget_right]

This one is the basic tenet of the kind of psychotherapy I practice. The belief is that we all carry scars from our childhoods—even the happiest childhoods—based on disappointments or conflicts with our parents. As adults, we meet partners who we swear up and down are nothing like those disappointing parents, but one day we wake up and realize, “How did this happen? My partner is exactly as critical as my father was.”

We therapists would say that you’ve chosen this partner in the subconscious hope that your childhood wound could be healed. In other words, if your dad never seemed to fully appreciate you, you fall in love with someone who is also withholding so you can finally get the approval you’ve always been looking for.

Your partner is probably not a mirror image of your dad. Instead of being outwardly critical, he or she might say all the right words but then be easily hurt so you consistently feel you’ve failed. The patterns are rarely obvious, but if you look hard enough, they are almost always there. We recreate in adulthood the most pressing problems from our childhood in the hopes that now we’ll succeed where in the past we could not.

The good news about this cliché is that once we’re aware of the pattern, we can work on what really needs to be healed: our own self-esteem. The key to overcoming a critical parent is not to find a partner who is unerringly supportive and non-judgmental, but instead to silence our own inner critic. Sometimes when we see a pattern in our relationships, we have to look at the only constant, ourselves, to see what needs to be repaired.

3. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

When you can accept that a problem isn’t going to be fixed, it has less power. If you have to “win” all the time, you’re going to end up losing the most important prize: the relationship itself.This cliché seems to imply that you can’t have a decent relationship until you reach some sort of mythical, enlightened state of self-love. Instead, I interpret it as meaning that often the best gift you can give to your partner is to know yourself better. Getting to know what you need, what makes you tick, and how to stand up for yourself are tools that can seem to strain a relationship at first but make it stronger in the long run.

This leads to a sub-cliché I often share with the people I work with. Just as they tell you on airplanes to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others with theirs, you can only make your relationship strong when you’re coming from a strong position. “Loving yourself” can be as simple as taking the time to know what makes you angry and why and learning a few tools for calming yourself so that you can communicate clearly even when you’re upset.

4. You can’t change anyone else unless they really want to change.

If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to change, you’re in for a disappointment.

This is not to say that others can’t change, just that they won’t, unless they decide it’s incredibly important. People who see me for therapy tend to express frustration when they hear this. If true love means becoming the best person you can for your partner, then does my partner not changing mean he or she doesn’t love me?

The truth may be less romantic, but it’s also more respectful and more compassionate. When we let our partners know what they are doing hurts us and when they trust that we’ve looked at and worked on our own issues before pointing the finger at them, they are often able to agree to modify their behavior and find a compromise.

The end result, then, of two people who are working on “loving themselves” and “not changing others” is that they’ll give more love and more potential for change to their partners. It sounds paradoxical, but it’s more of a shift in perspective. Mutual esteem will bring change more quickly than critiques and blaming.

5. In relationships, you can be right or you can be happy.

Giving in is sometimes the best place to start. Relationship expert John Gottman talks about dozens of ways to communicate more effectively but reserves space for what he calls “perpetual problems,” or the issues that just aren’t going to get resolved. They’re the ones that come back no matter how many times you fight over them. In a long-term relationship, there will always be a couple of key conflicts that you simply can’t figure out how to solve. If they seem insurmountable, they probably are, and that’s OK.

The trick with these issues is to label them—“There’s our old ‘you spend too much, you’re too cheap’ fight again”—and let them go. Instead of getting angrier and having to prove once and for all that you’re right, how about just walking away? When you can accept that a problem isn’t going to be fixed, it has less power. If you have to “win” all the time, you’re going to end up losing the most important prize: the relationship itself.

Sometimes, to find love, just follow the time-tested, worn-out old tropes. But this time, follow them with intelligence, depth, and complexity. After all, any fool can make something complicated, but it takes real intelligence to make something simple. Or is that too cliché?

Breakups are often a painful ordeal, but the pain is all the more excruciating when you don’t see it coming. You thought things were going great, and then seemingly out of nowhere your partner breaks it off, leaving you alone with an aching heart.

Finding closure after an unexpected breakup can be incredibly challenging, but here are 10 tips to help you move on after getting dumped.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

Studies have shown that the brain copes with rejection similarly to the way it processes physical pain. Some may be tempted to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol or jump immediately into another relationship to avoid their feelings. Rather than taking this approach, allow yourself to feel the emotions in their entirety, whatever they may be.

It is natural to grieve after any loss. Even if you avoid the pain initially, eventually you have to face it to heal. By giving yourself time to grieve, you’ll find it easier to obtain the closure you seek and move on with your life.

2. Understand the Grieving Process

[fat_widget_right]Relationship counselor Jesse Johnson, MA, LPC suggests, “After a relationship ends, it’s important to honor the grieving process, not only in the loss of the relationship, but in the loss of any future vision for the relationship. Some people need to grieve an entire life’s vision in this way. It’s a big deal and honoring the end will help greatly with closure.”

3. Practice Forgiveness

Holding on to any grudges or resentment for your former partner will only prevent you from moving on with your life. Offer yourself a pardon by being willing to let go of the past and forgive your ex for any ways you feel you were wronged.

Likewise, forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made in the relationship. Hold yourself in a state of compassion, and be willing to learn from the past so you can make better choices in the future.

4. Channel the Energy Elsewhere

Rather than sit around and let your anger, sadness, or frustration eat away at you, choose to channel that energy into something productive. Exercise is an excellent way to move energy out of your body and it releases endorphins, which will help improve your mood. You may also consider getting involved in your community or taking up a new hobby.

5. Maintain Your Self-Worth

There’s no denying that being rejected by someone you love hurts, but refuse to let it impact your self-esteem. Know your value as a person, and honor your self-worth.

Choose to maintain your dignity by not trying to force someone to be in your life who doesn’t want to be. Eventually, the right person will come along and you won’t have to prove your worth because he or she will recognize it.

6. Throw Out the Mementos

It’s tough to get rid of old love letters, photos, and other mementos, but choosing to keep them only encourages you to hang on to the past.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your memories, but choose to do so in a way that isn’t destructive. Consider taking down the old photos and keeping the mementos out of sight in a keepsake box or other non-visible location.

7. Create Your Own Closure

Ironically, seeking closure can be one of the greatest hindrances to moving on from a breakup. It can be tempting toSometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. try to organize a big conversation with an ex to get real answers for why the relationship ended. In many cases, you won’t be able to have that conversation and the odds are that even if you did, it probably wouldn’t help much anyway.

While closure tends to work well in the business world, it doesn’t really fit in when it comes to matters of the heart. We may want a neat little ending to our pain, but it’s rarely that simple.

In reality, the best way to get closer to that feeling of closure you desire may be to simply cut off all contact. Let go of the idea of mending the relationship and create your own form of closure. Allow yourself to start building a new life outside of the former relationship and do what you need to do to move on.

9. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Change is the only constant in our lives. As much as we try to hang on to anything in life, there is no forever. Everything is constantly in flux. By refusing to accept this, you resist life itself.

Help yourself move on by embracing the natural impermanence of our ephemeral lives on this planet. Understand that people come and go in our lives, and sometimes we have no choice but to let go of the old and embrace the new.

9. Keep the Faith

It is far too easy to become cynical after being dumped. Rather than being bitter, remain open to the possibilities of love. Therapist Deb Hirschhorn, PhD offers this piece of advice for the brokenhearted: “Don’t think of it as getting dumped; think of it as being set free.”

Sometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. Allow yourself to grieve and then, when you’re ready, consider the possibility of entering a new relationship.

10. Seek Support

You don’t have to go through a breakup or any relationship problem alone. Seek support from your friends and family. Allow them to hold a safe container for you to share your feelings. If the container of family and friends is not enough, consider finding a therapist you trust to help you work through and process your feelings in a safe space.

Reference:

1. Saul, Heather. (2013, October 16). Brain treats rejection like physical pain say scientists. The Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/brain-treats-rejection-like-physical-pain-say-scientists-8884507.html

Why Feeling Unheard Hurts So Deeply

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be frustrating, isolating, and exhausting. You might try to talk about your needs, only to be met with defensiveness, distraction, or silence. This is one of the most common challenges couples face—and it’s one you can change.

I once received a call from a woman who wanted to start couples therapy with her husband of 10 years. When they tried to talk, the conversation often became heated, ending in arguments. She hoped therapy could help them improve their communication skills.

In my practice, about eight out of ten couples seek therapy for communication concerns. Most relationship experts — and countless self-help books — emphasize that the key to a better relationship is good communication. But here’s the truth: communication isn’t just about talking. It’s equally about listening.

Why Good Communication Requires Good Listening

Healthy communication builds trust and intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and are more likely to have our needs met.

But without the capacity to truly listen, even the most heartfelt words can be lost. Talking without listening is like sending a letter with no address — it never reaches the person it was meant for.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be heard. This begins in infancy, when caregivers respond to our cries. The important part isn’t just what they say or do in response — it’s that we feel heard, period.

When partners dismiss, deflect, or respond defensively, they can leave the other feeling rejected or even abandoned. Over time, this erodes trust and connection. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can listen.

Signs You’re Not Being Heard by Your Partner

When you communicate with your partner, notice if any of these signs appear:

• They flip the topic so you become the problem.

• They tell you you’re being “ridiculous” or “overreacting.”

• Their focus is on proving why they feel the same way.

• They walk out or leave the room.

• It seems like they’ve heard you, but the same issue keeps coming back.

If you recognize these patterns, it’s worth exploring why they happen. Often, listening problems stem from deeper emotional or relational dynamics.

Why Some People Struggle to Listen

Poor listening skills can come from deeper issues — not just unwillingness to hear. Common reasons include:

• Emotional overwhelm – Some people feel swamped by their own emotions or by the emotions of others.

• Poor timing – Trying to talk when your partner is distracted, tired, or stressed can block listening.

• Unresolved resentment – Lingering hurt feelings can create mental barriers to hearing your partner.

• Mental health challenges – Conditions such as anxiety, stress, or attention-deficit issues can make listening more difficult.

Understanding why your partner struggles to listen — and practicing compassion — can help you address the problem more effectively.

How to Improve Listening Skills in Your Relationship

On a practical level, Imago therapy offers a helpful technique for couples called “mirroring.” This involves one partner speaking while the other repeats back exactly what they heard, without judgment or defensiveness.

Here’s how to try it in a calm, safe moment:

1. Ask first – “Is now a good time to talk?” If not, set a time that works for both of you.

2. Speak concisely – Stay on topic and share the most important points.

3. Pause and reflect – Ask your partner to repeat back what they heard.

4. Switch roles – Once you feel heard, let your partner share while you listen.

If your partner becomes defensive or is unable to do this, it may be time to find a therapist who can guide you through the process.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you’ve tried multiple strategies but still feel unheard, professional help can make a big difference. A couple’s therapist can:

• Identify underlying patterns blocking communication

• Teach tools for better listening and empathy

• Provide a safe space for honest dialogue

Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist

• How do you help couples improve their listening skills?

• What therapeutic approaches do you use for communication issues?

• How will we know we’re making progress?

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. Our directory includes professionals specializing in communication and relationship concerns — helping couples feel heard, valued, and connected.

Remember: Listening is a skill that can be strengthened with awareness, patience, and support. You and your partner can learn to hear and be heard — and doing so can transform the quality of your connection. Communication challenges are common, but you don’t have to face them alone. A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner develop listening habits that build trust, empathy, and connection.

Find a qualified therapist near you and take the next step toward better communication today.

This is a classic in-law conundrum. Many spouses can feel torn between their responsibilities to their families of origin and the families they are creating. It feels like a no-win situation for everyone involved. The quick—and oversimplified—response is that your husband needs to choose which of those families is his top priority and set appropriate boundaries. In reality, however, the issue tends to be far more complex.

[fat_widget_right]

It sounds as if your husband (and perhaps his mother) believes him to be her sole source of physical and emotional support. Not responding to her needs is quite possibly laden with guilt and fear for your husband. It also sounds as if you have been incredibly accommodating (living with you for 14 months?) but that you are tired of being patient and feeling less important.

If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Fighting about it and competing with his mother for attention will only result in hurt feelings all around and a growing distance between you and your husband. When partners feel forced to choose, some will choose parents over partners; this can do irrevocable damage to relationships. I recommend that you seek out and work with a couples counselor to find ways to support each other as you navigate this dilemma together. Hear him when he says he feels “stuck.” He doesn’t see a viable solution, so working with someone who can offer a broader perspective and help you remain a team is very important.

It sounds as if your husband might also benefit from working on how to set workable boundaries with his mother without feeling the guilt he’s likely experiencing. Through that process, he will need empathy from you. When you feel (naturally) frustrated, try to imagine your husband stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war between wanting to meet your needs and wanting to meet his mother’s. Then imagine you and your husband pulling together in the same direction. If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Best of luck,
Erika