Young woman sitting on windowsill behind curtains and listening to the musicKristen started our first therapy session by sharing her story:

“Dave and I began having an affair three years ago. I know he loves me. Our chemistry is off the charts. He said his marriage had been dead for years. He stayed because of the kids. I accepted that at first.

“I couldn’t have imagined our relationship would last this long. He was the first person I had sex with after my divorce. I figured it was my transitional relationship. I never imagined I would be involved in a long-term affair.

“In the beginning, Dave and I agreed it would just be physical. My ex-husband and I hadn’t had sex in years. Dave wasn’t ‘in love’ with his wife; they were more like roommates, but he didn’t want to leave his kids. Neither of us wanted emotional ties.

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“When we met, there was an instant physical attraction; like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I felt alive again. We tried to stop a few times, but couldn’t stay away from each other, and eventually fell in love. Our connection is deeper than either of us felt in our marriages.

“Here we are three years later. I’m tired of being ‘the other woman.’ I’m tired of hiding our relationship. A year ago, Dave told me he would think about leaving, but nothing’s changed. When we’re together I feel excited and hopeful, but in between I never know when he’ll call or when I’ll see him again. I go back and forth between feeling loved and then let down. It hurts.”

Me: “What are you hoping for?”

Kristen: “I want Dave to leave his wife so we can finally be together full-time. I know it won’t be easy with his kids.”

Me: “Why do you think you stay in a loving relationship that hurts so much?”

Kristen: “Because I love him and I know he loves me. We are truly soulmates.”

Me: “What makes you think he’ll leave his wife, since you haven’t seen any evidence of that?”

Kristen: “That’s what he says. I believe him.”

Me: “Even though his actions don’t match his words?”

Kristen: “Yes. I understand how hard it is for him.”

Me: “Have you thought he may be comfortable just the way things are? He has you, and he has his family.”

Kristen: “I never thought about it like that.”

Me: “Do you see how you play a part in continuing the hurt by accepting his inaction?”

Kristen: “Yes, but I am afraid if I give him an ultimatum, he’ll end our relationship.”

Me: “Kristen, what other significant person in your life loved you but came in and out? Who else was there for you and then disappeared?”

Kristen: “My dad. When I was 6 years old, he left my mom. He came to visit from time to time and would stay for a few days. Things seemed back to normal. Then he’d leave again and I never knew when he would come back. I feared he would never return. He was unreliable, but I loved him.”

“We all observe and experience relational patterns growing up. What we see and feel in our families becomes imprinted in our hearts and minds. The way we give and receive love is patterned after our childhood experiences.”

Me: “I don’t think it’s a coincidence you have created the same relationship dynamic, in the present with Dave, that you experienced growing up. As a child, you loved a man who was there when he chose to be, but in between his presence was unpredictable. This is how you learned to love—to take what you could get and not expect more; to hold back your feelings about his unreliability; and suppress your anger, fear, and sadness about not being able to count on your dad. The result was love and pain became fused.”

Kristen: “Wow, I never thought about it like that. You’re right. It does feels the same. Why would I do that to myself now?”

Me: “We all observe and experience relational patterns growing up. What we see and feel in our families becomes imprinted in our hearts and minds. The way we give and receive love is patterned after our childhood experiences. Those patterns feel familiar and safe, even when they hurt or leave us unfulfilled. They’re all we know. If you met someone who was intimately available on a consistent basis, you might be overwhelmed. So instead, you connect with a partner who is inconsistent and create a dynamic you are used to.”

Kristen: “That’s truly amazing. I never would have realized that. What now?”

Me: “Once we gain insight into our own patterns, it frees us to make different choices, sometimes difficult ones. Do you believe you deserve more?”

Kristen: “Yes, but what can I do? I can’t force him to leave his wife.”

Me: “You’re right. You can only control what you do and say, what you tolerate, and what you accept.”

Kristen: “It’s going to be hard for me to confront this, but I can see I need to.”

Me: “We’ll continue working on it together.”

Conclusion

What did you learn about giving and receiving love? Ask yourself, “In what ways do my relationship difficulties mirror the issues I had in significant relationships growing up?” This insight may help you understand more about yourself and support you in making healthier choices in your relationships.

Note: To protect confidentiality, names and other identifying information in the preceding article were altered.

Couple sits on bench, turned toward each other, conversing deeply. Body language relaxedWhen working with couples, the first thing I assess is their communication, as this is usually a defining reason why they have walked into my office. Without clear boundaries and guidelines around communication, it is virtually impossible to dig into any issue. The WAY a person says something always trumps WHAT they are saying. In other words, STYLE always trumps CONTENT. Learning to communicate—and to communicate with care—may seem like a trite concept, but it is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

We learn to communicate from our caregivers. Since we were each raised differently, our communication playbooks are all different, too. When two people enter into a relationship, there are usually different playbooks in action fighting to emerge as THE playbook.

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If, for example, you grew up in a family that was loud and boisterous, you likely learned to do one of two things: become loud and boisterous or avoid loud and boisterous. The way you adapted to that communication style became a part of your communication playbook.

My goal is to help you and your partner come up with a common, collaborative playbook that feels good for both of you. Here are just a few suggestions and recommendations:

  1. There MUST be care in your words. This is a deal-breaker. Figuring out how to speak with care when angry, sad, shamed, or guilty requires vulnerability and accountability. It takes mindfulness and practice.
  2. Overt no-nos: yelling, name-calling, bullying, threatening, and attacking.
  3. Covert no-nos: nagging, pouting, stonewalling, lying, being a martyr, and zingers.
  4. No sarcasm. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive (indirect) way of saying what you feel without being clear and direct. The Greek translation for the word sarcasm is “tearing of the flesh.” It is hurtful. Being funny and using sarcasm are two different things. If something is funny, you both laugh. If it is sarcastic, chances are only one of you is amused.
  5. Don’t start talking about an issue until you have “contracted” with the other person. Too many times, you may begin delving into an issue before the other person is ready, able, and available. It may be as simple as, “I would like to talk about ‘X’; are you available?” Contracting sets the tone, creates intention from both parties, and lets you know you’re both present and attentive. If, for example, you want to talk in bed at night, be certain the other person is agreeable and not falling asleep. Setting a time limit is another aspect of contracting. If it’s not a good time to talk, in addition to saying so it’s a good idea to provide some alternative time options. [amazon_affiliate]
    Having rules and guidelines both partners have had a hand in shaping allows for more accountability and collaboration, which can increase satisfaction levels when working through issues.
  6. If a conversation gets heated, take a time-out. If you take a time-out, it is your responsibility to say when you will come back to finish the conversation. Leaving a conversation without a restart time may be interpreted as abandonment and lack of care. If someone needs a time-out, respect it, stop the conversation, and don’t push or punish. Knowing there is a restart time may allow you to look at what has happened to get the two of you into a time-out situation. Both parties should ask, “What is my part in the dysfunction in this conversation?” and be willing to own it when you resume. It’s much easier to point a finger at the other person, but does nothing to get closer to solutions.
  7. Listen. You will know you are listening if you can tell the other person what they just said. If you are evaluating their content and waiting for your turn, you aren’t listening. Think of listening as the most caring thing you can do for your partner. Put your needs on hold. Try to gain an understanding of their perspective. Communication is not about convincing. Listening is an act of love.
  8. Remember, you are on the same team. When teammates have conflict, the energy of the conversation is much different than when adversaries go at it. Again, it goes back to care with your words. Sometimes I will ask, “Would you talk to your next-door neighbor the way you are talking to your partner right now?” This is actually a parenting tip from Foster Cline’s book Parenting with Love and Logic, but I use it frequently with couples. It’s called the “good neighbor policy” and is an effective and easy way to help reset communication during a conflict.

These are just a few suggestions for helping couples create a common communication playbook. Having rules and guidelines both partners have had a hand in shaping allows for more accountability and collaboration, which can increase satisfaction levels when working through issues.

Reference:

Cline, F. (2006). Parenting with love and logic. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress Publishing.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

We’ve been together about a year and a half, and from the beginning we established a mutual dedication to open communication and sharing as much with one another as possible. We weren’t together very long before that started to become challenged. Let me be clear: My girlfriend doesn’t lie to me, doesn’t cheat on me, and I don’t think she even intentionally keeps things from me. She just … doesn’t readily open the doors of communication and isn’t forthcoming with her thoughts or emotions. As someone who likes to talk about my feelings frequently and has heard her say things like “the more information, the better,” I find this incredibly frustrating.

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Just in the past month, we have had a significant discussion about how we agree it’s necessary to have difficult conversations, and the sooner the better when an issue or feeling comes up. And that discussion wasn’t even in reaction to any problem that had arisen—we were just positively reaffirming our dedication to such communication. But not two weeks later, she neglected to tell me about receiving a lengthy, heartfelt email from a mutual friend. It contained nothing that crossed boundaries for either of us, but was unusual and deserved attention. I heard about it from the mutual friend before I heard about it from her, however, and it took her a week for her to bring it up on her own. There was no special reason to keep it from me, she said, but she just thought maybe I already knew or she’d wait until she’d responded to let me know about it. She has also been quiet about hanging out with mutual friends when I wasn’t around, even though it’s not something I’m bothered by, and she knows that.

I’m just mystified as to why she continues to make an effort to assure me we have an understanding about mutual, honest, timely communication … and then leave me out of the loop when things happen in her life. It’s a strong disincentive to be open with her, too, and that saddens me. Is there anything we haven’t tried, or any new way I can bring this up to her that encourages her to trust me and talk to me more? —Deafening Silence

Dear Deafening,

I can just feel the intensity of your frustration—it comes through loud and clear in your letter. It sounds like you feel shut out by your girlfriend when all you want is to be deeply and profoundly connected. Beyond frustration, it seems like you feel quite hurt and maybe even alienated by your girlfriend’s lack of communication.

It sounds to me like there is a mismatch in each of your needs for communication. You seem to crave, and gain a sense of, intimacy from a high degree of communication, while your girlfriend is satisfied by a significantly lower degree of communication. Because you have stated there is no betrayal (i.e., infidelity, crossing boundaries, etc.), it doesn’t seem like the lack of communication on your girlfriend’s part is problematic in and of itself. It doesn’t seem to be rooted in trust issues. The issue seems to be the disparate needs you each have around communication.

Framing the issue as a disparate need for communication, as opposed to your girlfriend’s failure to communicate, doesn’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet. It’s just an acknowledgment you have different needs and doesn’t make anyone right or wrong.

Framing the issue as a disparate need for communication, as opposed to your girlfriend’s failure to communicate, doesn’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet. It’s just an acknowledgment you have different needs and doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. This can enable both of you to drop your defenses and try to really understand where the other person is coming from.

Much of how people communicate in intimate relationships is influenced by how they saw their parents communicate. Talking about each of your memories of your parents’ relationships might be a good place to start in trying to understand why each of you have the preferences you have around communication.

You also mentioned that your girlfriend’s lack of communication is a “strong disincentive” to be open with her. Why is that? There are hints of resentment in this statement, one of the biggest indicators there is work to be done to strengthen your relationship. However you proceed from here, I would encourage you not to let your girlfriend’s communication style dictate yours—especially since you both have expressed “the more, the better” when it comes to sharing.

You two might also find great value in working with a couples therapist on this issue. A therapist will likely be able to help you two understand each other on a much deeper level. This understanding could lead to a true sense of empathy for each other and quite possibly some movement toward the middle that could work for both of you.

Kindly,

Sarah

Senior couple sit on porch and talk, holding mugs, covered by a fuzzy blanket

One of the main reasons people seek therapy is for help with intimate and close relationships. And while couples counseling tends to be viewed as something for only relationships in crisis, there are many reasons people in relationships might pursue it. Some are small, some larger, but all are important and deserve to be explored and worked on.

Research suggests that individuals who complete couples therapy tend to report greater improvement than 70–80% of those who do not receive treatment —an improvement rate that rivals or exceeds the most effective psychosocial and pharmacological interventions for individual mental health disorders.

Here are 10 good reasons to look into relationship counseling:

1. Communication Issues

Communication skills differentiate satisfied and dissatisfied couples more powerfully than any other factor. Indeed, communication difficulties are the most frequently cited complaint among partners reporting relationship distress. Communication is the foundation of all relationships. Communication comes in many forms, both in person and over the phone, text, or social media. Therapy teaches couples how to communicate with each other in a positive manner that works. In my experience, couples often benefit from simple communication tools such as “I” statements and reflective listening. These approaches slow conversations down and help partners feel heard rather than criticized. The type of communication a person grows up around tends to strongly affect how they communicate in their adult relationships.

Recent research shows that integrative behavioral couple therapy managed to significantly improve marital adjustment and constructive communication patterns. It reduced two communication patterns called “mutual avoidance” and “demand/withdraw” in treatment groups. Counseling can help couples make a conscious choice of communication style and not just fall back on what they know from their history.

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Looking for a therapist who can help with relationship issues? Use our Find a Therapist tool or try our Advanced Search to locate a couples counselor near you.

couple in snow under separate umbrellas

2. Premarital Counseling

There are many issues couples face before they tie the knot. Premarital counseling is a place to discuss many things. One example is finances. Will bank accounts be shared? What about making decisions about what to purchase? Another consideration is household duties. Are children part of the picture? What role(s) will in-laws play in your life?

Research shows that couples who participated in premarital counseling had a 31% lower chance of divorce compared to those who did not receive such counseling. Recent studies provide strong preliminary evidence for the effectiveness of premarital interventions in improving communication and conflict resolution skills among engaged couples. By integrating key components of attachment theory and differentiation, these programs enabled couples to develop emotional awareness, assertive communication, and greater resilience in handling interpersonal challenges. Couples counseling can be a safe place to start the conversations that need to be addressed.

3. Sexual Issues

Sex can be something that heals and brings a couple together, or it can be a battleground fraught with anxiety, embarrassment, anger, and hurt. Recent research shows that in 48.5% of couples seeking relationship therapy, at least one of the two partners reported a sexual issue as a reason for seeking therapy. The most common sexual issues were the frequency of sexual activity and sexual desire. Counselors encounter sexual issues frequently and can help.

4. Infidelity and Unfaithfulness

Infidelity within a relationship can be the most hurtful and damaging thing a couple ever goes through, but it does not mean the relationship has to be over. Research suggests many couples are able to rebuild trust and improve relationship satisfaction through therapy following infidelity. Recent studies show that Gottman Method Couples Therapy was globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex. Couples counseling provides a healing space to begin the journey toward resolution. In practice, recovery from infidelity often happens in stages—first stabilizing the crisis, then processing the betrayal, and eventually rebuilding trust through consistent actions over time. Throughout the process, therapy can help find practical and meaningful ways to navigate the treacherous waters of unfaithfulness.

5. Assistance Managing Other Relationships

walking hand in hand

Couples have relationships with people outside of their relationship together. Friends, extended family, children, coworkers, and supervisors/bosses/professors are just a few. These relationships can be either healthy or unhealthy. Some things that can be discussed are boundaries with members of the opposite sex or same sex, communication with exes, and together and alone time.

6. Nontraditional Relationships

Nontraditional intimate relationships, such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging, can have problems and struggles—some of which are specific to their lifestyle and identity, some that all couples deal with. It can be intimidating to seek relationship therapy for fear of not being valued or understood because of the type of intimate relationship one is in. Many relationship counselors are comfortable and have the background and understanding to work with people in nontraditional relationships and can provide an open and safe place to work on the struggles a couple is having.

7. Blended Families

When one or both partners have children from another relationship, blending has its own specific struggles and difficulties. According to recent research, approximately 16% of children in the United States live in a blended family. Research shows that it can take four to seven years for blended families to function like a cohesive unit. Parenting differences, the role of the other parent, and the new identity of the family all need to be explored.

8. The End of a Relationship

When a relationship has ended, whether by mutual agreement or otherwise, managing life can be difficult. Often, individuals need to express anger, sadness, and grief. There may be practical issues to sort out as well, such as housing and children. Agreeing how and when to communicate is another example of a matter to be discussed in couples counseling.

9. Digital-Age Issues

couple both upset

Facebook. Twitter. Texting. Sexting. Instagram. YouTube. Snapchat. TikTok. These are just a few ways technology can infiltrate and affect relationships. Research shows that about 16% of married couples reported that they had experienced some form of infidelity-related behavior on social media, with “Facebook infidelity” referring to the use of social networking sites to engage in emotional or sexual relationships outside of one’s committed relationship.

Recent research shows that digital interventions for couples can be effective, with most studies obtaining significant results in improving relationship satisfaction, and these effects were often sustained at follow-up. A meta-analysis revealed a significant, moderate effect size for digital relationship interventions. Communicating via social media has its own pros and cons. Couples often have conflict regarding who to “friend,” what to “like,” and who to text, block, or chat.

Communicating that is not done face-to-face or even on the phone is hard. No matter how many emojis are used, words can be misconstrued and misread. Tone of voice and body language are important to understanding what is being conveyed. Relationship counseling can help couples work through problems technology has caused, and create boundaries with each other to help restore trust when social media have hurt the relationship.

10. Trust Issues

After trust is broken, relationships can be harmed or even destroyed. Part of having a solid and healthy relationship is to be able to trust one another. Research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who completed therapy showed significant improvements in trust levels, which were maintained at follow-up assessments. Therapy equips couples with communication tools, conflict resolution strategies, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and vulnerabilities. These skills not only help rebuild trust but also create a stronger foundation for the relationship, making it more resilient to future challenges. Learning to trust again is a slow and hard process, and it can be painful and frustrating when it doesn’t happen quickly. Counseling can educate and assist couples with understanding the process of regaining trust, and provide tools and direction to help.

All relationships are difficult in some form or another. There will be disagreement, conflict, and hurt even in the best of times. Research indicates a notable success rate in couples therapy, with statistics showing that over 70% of couples experience significant improvement in their relationship satisfaction after engaging in therapy. Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) and behavioral couples therapy (BCT) are particularly effective, with studies demonstrating that these forms of therapy can lead to high levels of emotional reconnection and significant decreases in relational distress. Relationship counseling can help individuals and couples grow and heal. Like all types of therapy, the lessons learned and behaviors changed will continue to serve each person for much longer than the therapy itself.

It takes work to have a solid and positive relationship. Couples counseling is worth considering for any couple and can promote mutually beneficial change for years to come.

References:

  1. Capozzi, L. (2025). A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples. PMC. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11743556/
  2. Ahmadzadeh, M., Bagheri, F., & Azadyekta, M. (2024). The effectiveness of mindfulness therapy-based sex therapy in improving sexual self-efficacy and sexual quality of life in couples. Journal of Assessment and Research in Applied Counselling, 7(1), 65-73.
  3. Emmond, M., Byers, E. S., Brassard, A., Tremblay, N., & Péloquin, K. (2024). Addressing sexual issues in couples seeking relationship therapy. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 39(1), 115-130.
  4. Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman Method Couples Therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. Family Process, 63(2), 387-405.
  5. Marin-Cordero, R., & Christensen, A. (2014). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(1), 1-12.
  6. Najibzadegan, M., Mohammadi, S., & Koleshtajani, P. (2024). Premarital intervention based on attachment and differentiation improves communication and conflict management in Iranian couples. PMC. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12335488/
  7. Fredricks, R. (2025). Family therapy for blended families: Common issues and solutions. Retrieved from https://drrandifredricks.com/family-therapy-for-blended-families/
  8. Alijani, H., Ahmadzadeh, M., & Bagheri, F. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Journal of Education and Health Promotion. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11414875/
  9. Lebow, J. (2023). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. PMC. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10087549/
  10. McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2024). Technological and social media influence on marital relationships. Retrieved from https://www.mcooperlaw.com/technological-and-social-media-influence-on-marital-relationships-in-2024/
  11. Ferrao Nunes-Zlotkowski, K., Shepherd, H. L., Beatty, L., Butow, P., & Shaw, J. M. (2024). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Interactive Journal of Medical Research. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12482273/
  12. Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00249.x
  13. Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2003.tb01694.x

A row of red flags blowing in the wind against a blue sky with scattered clouds

Our vehicle side-view mirrors warn us “objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear,” and I’ve found a similar distortion tends to occur in dating. Often in a new relationship, we fail to see or truly recognize the red flags as we are cruising headfirst into new, exciting territory. But after we veer off the projected path or ultimately crash, in hindsight the red flags are huge, obvious, and quite unmistakable.

A good friend of mine recently began dating a guy who seemed great, at least on paper. He was attractive, funny, open, communicative, and seemed eager to spend time together. He talked about long-term goals, being ready for commitment, and acted legitimately interested in her and in seeing where the relationship was headed. But very quickly, the conversations began to involve a lot of drama, and his lack of confidence, personal confusion, and jealous tendencies came out as he projected his personal baggage and insecurities onto her. The relationship ended in a pile of hurtful words and unfair accusations, and left my friend bewildered at how things had changed so quickly and how a seemingly great guy could turn out to be such a train wreck. But as we talked through everything that happened, she began to point to various incidents, saying, “Maybe I should have seen that as a red flag.”

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc There are many reasons why people might ignore worrisome signs and patterns in a new relationship. For example, if you are raised in an environment where things are often avoided or dismissed, conflict is avoided and harm can be rationalized or minimized in a way that carries forward in adult relationships. For example, “maybe it is my fault and they’re just doing this because they care”. If this environment also was unsafe and even harmful, there may be underlying neurochemical reasons why one might be more attached to someone who has red flag behaviors. It may be hard to look at the long-term consequences that may be ahead.

Research has identified specific categories of relationship warning signs, including monitoring behaviors, controlling behaviors, demeaning behaviors, threatening and aggressive behaviors, and jealous and possessive behaviors. Studies show that relational red flags are perceived as non-negotiable deal breakers and crucial lessons for healthy mate selection.

open door dark room

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When we are excited about the prospect of a new relationship and are getting to know a potential new partner, it’s easy to overlook the little “red flags” or fail to acknowledge things that may be cause for concern. We want to give the person the benefit of the doubt and may overlook or excuse questionable comments, behaviors, and actions. It’s all too easy to frame jealous questions, controlling actions, or pressure to move too quickly as signs the person is really into us or feels a deep connection. Yet putting on blinders to these potentially telling negative signs can ultimately set us up for more confusion, hurt, and heartbreak.

When I’m working with people in therapy who experience bumps along the road of a new relationship, I often reference current psychological research on relationship warning signs. According to recent studies, individuals who identify warning signs early are 85% more likely to avoid harmful situations. Research shows intuition accurately predicts problematic patterns in 92% of cases. This scientific backing validates what many therapists observe: our instincts often detect red flags before our conscious minds can articulate them.

Most relationship problems don’t appear suddenly—they were present early, just less visible. Patterns, not isolated moments, determine whether a relationship can grow or quietly collapse.

lantern in forest

We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

What’s particularly interesting is how there may be a gazillion little red flags, yet we may fail to see the bigger picture in terms of how these warnings add up to indicate signs of an unstable or dishonest person, or provide clues that predict a potentially unhealthy and rocky relationship. We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

I now advise the people I work with in therapy to take a piece of paper and fill it with not just one but many small red flags in rows and columns on the page. Anytime something happens in a new relationship that seems off or makes them feel uneasy or uncomfortable, they are to jot it down in one of the red flags. Over time, they develop an unavoidably clear visual of any negatives and can more accurately judge how cautious they should be in investing in the person and pursuing an ongoing relationship.

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc This can ALSO help with seeing something as a red flag that may not be, such as a new partner spending time with a friend as a commitment issue instead of a healthy boundary, and can help clients be more accurate in understanding true red flags to attend to.

couple in kitchen

Relational red flags are important because they are signals that describe the undesirable qualities that should be heeded by the signal receiver in their assessment of whether or not to proceed romantically with the other individual. The concrete visual can help a person be more impartial. A few random red flags may be excusable. We all make mistakes. We all have bad moments, dating anxiety that may get the best of us, or insecurities that need to be worked through. But a lot of red flags that demonstrate a pattern of unfavorable traits, dishonest actions, or unhealthy dynamics should not be ignored. If you keep track and begin noting multiple red flags, stop and ask yourself if you are willing to compromise your relationship goals or sacrifice your well-being for this person of interest.

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc When writing down a possible red flag, consider what worries you, how it was identified (yourself or someone else pointed it out?), how you feel about it, is there fear? What made you jump over it in the moment? Sharing this with a therapist who can help situate the behavior in healthy expectations in a relationship or identify when you are overlooking something that does not feel safe, without necessarily providing advice, can be helpful to grow and mature in relationships. Even a consultation with a therapist to outline what you have written about the potential red flags is a great start to gain perspective.

Common red flags include excessive control, power imbalances, unstable emotional changes, emotional or physical violence, and commitment issues. Universal red flags that should always be taken seriously include violent behavior, excessive jealousy, controlling tendencies, or any actions that indicate manipulation or emotional abuse.

Cautiously considering red flags can help you make better, more balanced decisions. On the other hand, by overlooking important red flags, you may mistakenly idealize an undeserving person, prolong the struggles the relationship may bring, risk having your self-esteem negatively impacted, and delay the ability to move on and find a healthier, more desirable companion. It’s hard to be patient and insightful when you’re navigating a new relationship, but staying alert to the warnings that may arise can help you arrive at the destination that’s in your best interests.

References:

  1. Hernandez, N. M., Tampus-Siena, M., & Rungduin, T. T. (2024). Decoding love signs: The role of perceived relational red flags in mate selection criteria among Filipino young adults. International Review of Social Sciences Research, 4(3), 2362.
  2. Korovich, M., Nicoletti, A., Bettinelli, M., Shank, F., Angelone, D. J., & Jones, M. C. (2024). That’s definitely a red flag: Sexual violence risk perception by men who have sex with men using dating and sexual networking apps. Sexuality & Culture, 29(2), 838-851. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-024-10301-4
  3. White, R. (2016). Relational red flags: Detecting undesirable qualities in initial romantic encounters. LSU Doctoral Dissertations, 2170. https://repository.lsu.edu/gradschool_dissertations/2170
  4. Zulic-Agramunt, C., Poo-Figueroa, A., Gatica-Bahamonde, G., et al. (2025). What is a healthy dating relationship and what helps it get there? Perceptions of Chilean adolescents from a gender and inclusivity perspective. Frontiers in Psychology, 16.
  5. Charlot, N., Joel, S., & Campbell, L. (2023). The predictive validity of intimate partner violence warning signs. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16(2), 192–201.

Person in jeans and yellow cardigan leans in toward partner who is looking the other direction, apparently disinterested in resolving conflictSteve and Rebecca have been together for seven years, married for four, and have one toddler. Since the birth of their child, arguments between Steve and Rebecca have escalated to the point Rebecca’s threats of “I can’t do this anymore!” are met with shrugs. But after their last fight, she left to stay at her parents’ house for the weekend. It was a wake-up call for Steve, who wants to try couples therapy to improve communication and repair their partnership. Rebecca is tired of arguing and is still seriously considering a long-term separation.

Does this fictitious (yet all too real) couple sound like you and your partner? Is one of you leaning out of the relationship, unsure whether it is healthy to stay, while the other is leaning into the relationship and ready to make healthy changes? If so, you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon for couples experiencing the intense flames of conflict or the slow smolder of disconnection to view the future from different angles.

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In times of relationship distress, counseling can be a valuable resource. The question is, what kind? In individual therapy, only one side of the story might be heard, making it difficult to identify a way forward that serves not just one partner but the relationship. Yet this situation also can present a real challenge to even the most experienced couples therapist, particularly in cases where one partner isn’t totally on board with the therapy process. Three popular and well-researched couples therapy models—emotion-focused therapy, imago therapy, and the Gottman Method—are each effective primarily with couples who want to actively work on their relationship and are wholly committed to each other.

Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship.

To help address this complex situation facing couples whom he describes as “mixed-agenda,” Dr. William Doherty envisioned a new type of therapy for couples on the brink of divorce: discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship. A trained discernment counselor holds hope for both partners—no matter their positions—while a decision about the future of the relationship is reached, whether that decision is to divorce/break up or make one last effort at repair.

Discernment counseling is designed as a short-term counseling process that is focused on making a mutual decision on one of three paths forward. In other words, each of the paths represents a different form of “treatment,” and the discernment counseling sessions represent the conversations to decide which treatment is best for both partners. Here’s a closer look:

Path One: The Status Quo

Path one is to maintain the relationship as it has been. Many couples who enter discernment counseling rule out path one quickly—the status quo has become unsustainable, thus they are seeking help to make a decision that brings change. Sometimes, however, at the end of discernment counseling no clear commitment to leaving or staying has been reached. In these situations, couples can simply default to taking a break from the process and trying again for a decision at some point in the future.

Path Two: Separation or Divorce

Path two is to move toward ending the relationship. Although some path two decisions are not mutual, in that one partner chooses separation or divorce against the wishes of their partner, the goal of a path two decision would be for both partners to feel clear and confident about a decision to part ways. When couples choose separation or divorce, the discernment counselor makes them aware of additional resources, including individual therapists and divorce professionals who can facilitate a healing and fair separation process.

Path Three: Couples Therapy

Path three is to make a six-month commitment to couples therapy in an all-out effort to restore the relationship to health. Separation or divorce are taken off the table during the couples therapy process, and at the end of six months both partners are invited to make another decision about whether to stay or leave. Couples therapy, in turn, is more likely to succeed because both partners are committed to applying themselves fully to the hard work of change.

In the conversations that lead to a choice for the path forward, here’s what discernment counseling offers couples in distress:

If discernment counseling seems like a good fit for you and your partner, seek a trained discernment counselor in your area.

Two colleagues sit at a table to have a discussion in an officeWords are powerful. While this is not breaking news, there is often little consideration given to the effects of language and how it is used. Further, beyond one’s intentions in using certain words to communicate in a positive or negative manner, those words can be interpreted in radically different ways. Needless to say, speaking and listening aren’t always as straightforward as they seem. As such, I would like to discuss certain aspects of language, particularly its materiality and structuring power. Through gaining a deeper understanding of these aspects of language, my hope is people may feel freer to respond and connect with others in a manner more nuanced and aligned with how they feel.

The first aspect of language to understand is its materiality. At its most basic level, what makes something “material” is its ability to affect both time and space around it. In essence, something that is material is real, substantial, and leaves a mark. Consider an asteroid traveling through space: it has substance, and when it comes into contact with something it leaves a mark (i.e., a crater).

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Of course, a word alone has never left a crater in its wake; however, when certain words are spoken, either alone or in certain combinations, they can leave a substantial mark on the person speaking them or receiving them. Have you ever had a moment when something someone said to you “stuck”? Perhaps there is a special memory you can recall of a mentor giving you just the advice or inspiration you needed. On the other hand, maybe someone said something that figuratively knocked your legs out from under you (i.e., “You’re worthless,” etc.) and you’re still trying to get back up.

This, as an aside, forms the basis of nearly all concerns I hear in psychotherapy. Words may not make an observable mark, but they have materiality in their ability to leave a felt impact.

A second important aspect of language is its ability to structure or build a frame. When someone speaks, the words that are spoken create a framework through which to understand the conversation as a whole. For example, if someone starts a conversation by saying, “Don’t be mad, but …” or “I always mess this up,” what is one to assume the rest of the conversation will sound like?

Beyond affecting the recipient of words spoken, the framing nature of language can also impact the person speaking them.

Framing language sets the tone for how others may understand what is spoken. If an engineer was to say, “The stairs you are about to walk on seem sturdy, but I always mess that up,” would you be more or less likely to use the stairs? How does that framing statement affect your trust in the engineer and your confidence in the engineer’s work?

Beyond affecting the recipient of words spoken, the framing nature of language can also impact the person speaking them. This occurs as a self-statement, where the person who speaks is also the listener. In the above example, if someone states, “Don’t be mad …” as they prepare to say something, the implication inherent in this preface is the person speaking already feels shameful or bad about something that occurred, and is now predicting the person to whom they are speaking will be upset upon hearing about it. As discussed above, because language has an impact, framing what will be spoken in this manner may actually be more likely to elicit the unwanted response, something referred to as the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Words, then, are powerful indeed. Because using words is an everyday occurrence, it is easy to forget the mark they can make or how subtly they can frame a conversation. In understanding how you use language, though, you can avoid obstacles that may create distance in relationships through certain ways of speaking. And that, ultimately, increases the potency of said words.

In Part 2 in this series, we will examine the ability of language to bring new experiential worlds into existence.

Person with long hair tied into ponytail sits and waits at table aloneMany people are simply not educated on the concept of the “narcissistic wound,” also known as the narcissistic injury, and are in for a wrath beyond comprehension when they offend a person with narcissism.

When offended, a typical person might experience hurt feelings or feel insulted or angry. However, the offended person might ultimately talk it through with the individual who committed the transgression, with a willingness to repair the relationship and move on. This can take time.

In general, bonds are developed and strengthened through the process of “rupture and repair.” People learn to handle insecurities in a relationship by building trust over time as they see each rupture or conflict in the relationship eventually leads to a deeper connection or repair.

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Not so in the narcissistic relationship. Offending a person with narcissism can lead to immediate, lasting, and perhaps irreparable fallout.

When dealing with a person with narcissism, the rules are different. This is true in all aspects of the relationship, but for this article, the focus is on the narcissistic wound. These types of wounds are unlike other types of interpersonal ruptures. These differences are listed below:

Typical Rupture Narcissistic Wound
Hurt feelings Shame attack
Reaction tends to match offense Extreme overreaction
May result in anger Results in rage
May take time to repair Causes existential threat to relationship
Is eventually resolved Is never resolved
Normal Pathological
Same personality, just more angry Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde
Offended person may react with anger, withdrawal, or repairable retaliation Person with narcissism reacts with punishment, banishment, devaluing, or discarding of offender

 

Why People with Narcissism React Differently

Why do people with narcissism react so vehemently when threatened by a seemingly minor offense? The answer is complicated:

What to Do If You Are Involved in Narcissistic Wounding

Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.

Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.

If you are involved in a narcissistic insults or injury perhaps the best thing you can do is learn to step back and observe the person with narcissism with objective curiosity, making silent statements to yourself such as, “Wow, how interesting that this person is going completely ballistic over something so miniscule,” or, “Hmm, it’s a shame we can’t have a healthy conversation or resolve problems together,” then simply excuse yourself and go on with your day without reacting to the narcissistic person.

Of course this is not easy, but it’s a lot easier than involving yourself in the discussion and trying to reason with the individual. This may just set you up for verbal abuse. There will likely be no good end to that, as you both may end up saying and hearing regrettable things.

If the person with narcissism gives you the silent treatment in response to your having wounded them, you must learn to walk away. A person with narcissism can be expected to want to hurt you as you have supposedly hurt them.

The best way to cope with a person with narcissism is to understand they have a condition, one that manifests in creating a dysfunctional interpersonal relationship. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship with a person with narcissism. Once you accept this and learn to not need the person to change, you may be free.

The GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you if you looking for ways to have a healthy relationship with a person with narcissism. We have thousands of Therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

A couple sits at a formal dining table, man reads newspaper, woman rests her head in her hand and looks off to one side. Wearing fancy dress.People who come to couples counseling often want to know: What is the most common problem couples experience? Some assume it is either financial disagreements or sexual issues, but while those are indeed common struggles in relationships, they are typically symptoms of a more significant, underlying issue. Others hypothesize the primary cause of failed relationships is frequent fighting. That’s not generally true, either.

The one thing that most often ruins relationships? A pattern of unmet expectations.

The pattern of not meeting expectations starts the same way every time: one or both people decide not to express their wants/needs. There are numerous, easily justifiable reasons for this. It could be you don’t want to deal with the vulnerability of possibly being rejected, or you may mistakenly believe the people who love you should automatically know what you want in all scenarios. Have you ever heard someone you care about say, “If you loved me, you would know what I need you to do” or “If you loved me, you would know what I like”?

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I hate to break it to you, but our loved ones can’t actually read our minds. Although we’ve been programmed to believe an inability to pick up on the subtle cues we send equates to a lack of love or caring, it’s simply so. It’s a very common issue in relationships of all configurations: one or both people continue to have expectations they don’t express, or state them in a way that is not understandable. One unmet need piles on top of the last. This happens over and over until it becomes an unhealthy pattern.

It’s a very common issue in relationships of all configurations: one or both people continue to have expectations they don’t express, or state them in a way that is not understandable. One unmet need piles on top of the last. This happens over and over until it becomes an unhealthy pattern.

Luckily, this is a problem with a simple solution. The key is to start changing the pattern as soon as you recognize it. The first step is to determine what your wants/needs are within the relationship. You can’t effectively teach someone how to treat you until you know yourself. We often focus so much on what we aren’t getting from our partner that we don’t even realize what we want. Make sure you know what’s most important, and be able to express that clearly before you even attempt to get those wants met; it may eliminate a lot of frustration and hurt feelings.

Then, even though it may sound scary, learn to express your needs. Talk about the difficult topics you have been avoiding. As much as we would like to think problems don’t exist if we don’t talk about them, they are always under the surface—until we start a conversation. Simply inquire about each other’s preferences in various scenarios. Discover each other’s values and beliefs so there can be a deeper understanding of related behaviors.

The idea of clearly expressing your wants/needs can be terrifying. There’s always the chance your partner will decide they don’t want to meet your needs. Maybe you will discover your values on a particular topic, something you have avoided talking about, are incompatible. You could find out there’s an area of the relationship that needs attention and effort. However, isn’t that better than the alternative?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be understood. You deserve to have your needs met. That can only happen if you have the courage to express yourself. There are great therapists out there, as well as other resources, if you need help getting things started.

Cropped view of arm and skirt of person who is holding a lit lantern to walk through a dim forestGaslighting is in the news these days. In simple terms, to gaslight is to treat another person in a way that makes them doubt their own perceptions. We can see this behavior on a large scale with a manipulative politician who demands acceptance of his falsehoods, as well as in the very personal realm of the intimate relationship, when one partner’s narcissistic needs create the conditions and terms for partnership.

A woman under the sway of such a person—narcissism isn’t gender-specific, but I use a woman-man relationship here for narrative purposes—faces a difficult challenge in her attempt to break away. She may be told her version of the story is false and that she is wrong, even stupid, to believe it. She may be derided and condemned in proportion to the depth of the narcissistic wound experienced by her tormentor. She may depart with only one thing: her quiet hope that breaking away from this man will be better than staying, no matter how unimaginable and unpredictable the future might seem.

To leave, she may have to muster more courage than she has ever before needed. Her sense of who she is may collapse around her. It may take quite some time for her to sort out what has happened, to release the hold that guilt and shame have on her, and to begin to feel whole once again.

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What is the greatest long-term price such a woman may pay? To answer this question, a woman might benefit by looking back to the beginning of the relationship. It is paramount she do so believing she did the best she could at any moment, though her temptation will likely be to judge herself harshly for not having seen what may now be obvious to her.

Because here is the challenge: it is the insidious nature of gaslighting abuse that makes it so difficult to identify at the outset of a relationship. To be a victim of gaslighting is to be the legendary frog in a pot of water that is placed over a low flame. The water temperature rises gradually, imperceptibly. At a certain point, however, the frog will boil to death unless it can summon the strength to jump to freedom. To escape, it must be able to recognize its extreme distress. Gaslighting, however, gradually creates an environment in which awareness of one’s own feelings becomes less and less possible. Gradually, a woman learns to dismiss her own intuitive responses. She is subsumed into the narrative created by her partner, and her role in that narrative follows his script. She becomes an actor in someone else’s play.

Sometimes, it is a trusted friend who intervenes on a woman’s behalf by helping her see and believe how much she has changed, and not for the better, since getting involved with this man. Sometimes, it is a sense of being utterly lost. Sometimes, she comes to a decision to extricate herself only after a suicide attempt.

But there was likely a time when she looked to this man for love, comfort, harmony. She felt secure in what he told her about his feelings for her and about the nature of their mutual affection. It was her nature to believe him rather than to be skeptical, even on early occasions when things might have seemed a little off to her. She rushed to understand him. She placed her faith in him. He betrayed it.

By a thousand little acts of turning away from her, by subtle yet repetitive dismissals, by overt challenges to her right to think for herself, he betrayed everything she valued. And because she loved him, she allowed these little currents to build gradually to tsunami force, telling herself she was being too critical, or that he didn’t really mean it, or that she deserved such treatment for being so cold/mean/hostile to him. Her internal voices became as critical of her as anything her partner ever said. Even after a period of healing, and once she has begun to feel a semblance of stability re-enter her life, she can still be left with the residue of this betrayal.

She may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment.

The greatest price she may pay for her partner’s gaslighting is this: she now doubts her own judgment. She doubts her ability to see manipulation early enough to avoid repeating her costly mistake. She struggles to trust another partner. With this fear of extending trust once again, she risks sabotaging any future relationship due to apprehension about entering new trauma. If she begins to date again, she is circumspect. She wonders about everything her partner says. She looks for evidence of early betrayal, infidelity, lies. She becomes a person so consumed with a readiness to be betrayed that she kills any chance for a healthy relationship.

At this point, she may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment. This is where true healing can begin: she must see there is no such thing as deserving to be mistreated. There is no such thing as being wrong all the time.

In fact, there is no such person as the woman her former partner repeatedly told her that she was. That person was a fabrication, a creation of an imbalanced imagination. This phantom was projected onto her as someone he needed to dominate in order to assert his own importance, to give significance and meaning to his own poorly developed version of himself. Unchecked, he may spend his life creating these personas from the raw material of those who will love him in the future. And he may continue to create landmines and battlefields that leave them in as much pain and trauma as she, herself, once experienced.

It is time for her to embrace the embattled woman, the one who shouldered all the blame and harshness from a man with low emotional capability. For his own purposes, he poured her into a mold she neither chose nor fit. She can see this now. She can move forward with compassion for herself and guard her emerging awareness that she is the equal to any person of good faith, kind heart, and empathetic involvement in the lives of others.

She is worthy. By making a promise to safeguard this realization, she can trust herself to recognize the difference between someone who is present to her in all her glory and her faults, and someone whose emotional wounds might make him dangerous to her generous heart. She will be back in touch with the intuition that guided her life before she was derailed by the driving needs of her gaslighting partner.

This former partner has no further claim on her, once she sees clearly that the net he cast around her emanated from him and did not define her. She may not have realized it at the time, but she can now see clearly that all the tumult and the drama originated on his side, which is where she left it when she walked away from him.

She will love and be loved again. She does not have to wonder about the man who hurt her, as his path is of his own creating.

Just as her own will be.

Couple standing in open doorway in front of open window at home in the morning.You want a baby soon; your partner does not. You always want to stay out late; your partner just wants to go home and go to bed. You want to spend less and save more; your partner wants to buy a new car or a new wardrobe. According to John Gottman (1999), professor emeritus in psychology at the University of Washington and longtime researcher on the characteristics of successful couples, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems. In other words, they are conflicts that are not going away.

Before you think about replacing your partner over perpetual problems, think again. For instance, your partner agrees to spend only Thanksgiving or Christmas with your family. You want more holidays with your family. However, another partner might refuse to spend any holidays with your family. Yet another partner may agree but instigates an argument with your family at every opportunity. A third partner may agree, but only if your family comes to your house. After they leave, this partner obsessively cleans for hours and complains about them not taking their shoes off at the door. Knowing the options, would you have worked harder to compromise with the partner you picked?

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In Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he advises couples to accept the fact all couples have ongoing differences. The key is to keep working on them from a win-win position so you both feel you matter to each other. Successful couples find ways to manage ongoing disagreements with humor and affection. Couples who fail to accommodate perpetual differences can find themselves in a gridlock (Gottman, 1999).

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Differences between partners may stem from a variety of sources. Some differences are rooted in beliefs or values taught by the family while growing up. For example, you may prefer a tidy home because you found comfort growing up in one. But your partner does not find it important to put dirty socks in a laundry hamper because that is how they grew up. Other differences may be styles like being a night owl or a morning person. How you got there matters less than how you come together to handle your perpetual problems.

Couples who accept each other’s styles with empathy tend to fare better than couples who do not. They know the difficulty is like an irritating allergy. It won’t go away, but they do not allow it to become so important it becomes a gridlock. According to Gottman (1999), the following are characteristics of gridlock:

Busting a gridlock begins with understanding each other’s dreams. A dream not shared is often at the core of unresolved conflict. Dreams are hopes or wishes that give meaning and purpose to your life. What are your partner’s dreams behind the issue? When is the last time you told your partner any of your aspirations behind an issue important to you (Gottman, 1999)?

Voice your dreams behind the issue, what they symbolize to you, and why they are important to you. Invite your partner to do the same. Many people believe they are not entitled to their dreams. Yet, the longing does not go away and may resurface in some form (Gottman, 1999).

Gridlocks do not have to signify the end of a relationship. Be flexible and open to compromises that don’t involve changing or fixing your partner.

In response to your partner sharing their dreams behind the perpetual problem, acknowledge them. You don’t necessarily have to be a part of them but respect them. Consider ways to compromise in ways that keep the door open to further conversation. The issue may never completely go away. Rather than try to solve it, focus on diffusing the amount of pain felt around it (Gottman, 1999).

Diffuse the hurt by separating the issue into nonnegotiable and flexible areas. Nonnegotiable are aspects you cannot conciliate on without violating your core values or needs. Flexible areas are those you can consider temporary or creative concessions for. Try to put as many aspects in the flexible area as possible. After you negotiate, say “thank you.” End the conversation on a positive note with loving words for each other (Gottman, 1999).

Gridlocks do not have to signify the end of a relationship. Be flexible and open to compromises that don’t involve changing or fixing your partner. Because perpetual problems have a lot of longevity, you may need to match your issue with patience. Remind yourself that your partner and you are on the same side and the problem is on the other. The problem is no match for the two of you.

Reference:

Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Newly married couple holding handsMarriage later in life may cause middle-aged women to gain weight, but those who divorce may see improvements in their health, according to a study published in the Journal of Women’s Health. The study tracked marital status and various health measures to explore how marriage affects health.

Health Effects of Marriage in Middle Age

The study evaluated data on 79,094 postmenopausal women who participated in the Women’s Health Initiative Observational Study. Participants ranged in age from 50-79 and were evaluated over the course of three years. Researchers tracked the participants’ weight, waist circumference, blood pressure, smoking history, use of alcohol, exercise habits, and diet.

They then divided women into three groups: women who married or entered a long-term relationship during the study; those who separated or divorced during the study; and those whose marital status did not change—remaining either single or married—during the study period.

All of the women who were unmarried when the study began gained some weight during the study, which is not uncommon as women age. However, women who got married gained an average of two additional pounds more than their unmarried peers. Women who got married and those who remained single both experienced drops in diastolic blood pressure, but single women experienced a greater drop. Single women also drank less alcohol than those who married.

[fat_widget_right]Women who divorced lost weight and increased their physical activity. Women who remained married, by contrast, gained an average of two pounds and saw a decline in physical activity.

Is Marriage Good for Women?

Researchers have long debated the health benefits of marriage. While most research suggests marriage improves men’s health, the data on women is less clear. One study linked marital problems to health issues such as high blood pressure and an increased risk of heart attack for women, but not for men. Another study found married women did not gain the health benefits that married men gained. Women who divorced in their twenties were also less likely than those who stayed married to experience metabolic syndrome.

A study of more than 800,000 married people found married men and women with cancer were more likely to survive.

References:

  1. Change in marital status post-menopause may impact health. (2017, February 6). Retrieved from https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-02-health-postmenopausal-women-divorce.html
  2. Knapton, S. (2015, June 11). Marriage is more beneficial for men than women, study shows. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/03/14/marriage-is-more-beneficial-for-men-than-women-study-shows/
  3. Kutob, R. M., Yuan, N. P., Wertheim, B. C., Sbarra, D. A., Loucks, E. B., Nassir, R., . . . Thomson, C. A. (2017). Relationship between marital transitions, health behaviors, and health indicators of postmenopausal women: Results from the Women’s Health Initiative. Journal of Women’s Health. doi:10.1089/jwh.2016.5925
  4. Tamkins, T. (2009, March 6). Unhappily ever after: Why bad marriages hurt women’s health. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/06/marriage.women.heart/index.html?_s=PM%3AHEALTH
Important Notice

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