Let’s face it: relationships are complicated. Each person brings their own history of conscious and unconscious needs and fears to the table, and these needs and fears are often contradictory. Temperaments differ, as do communication styles, tolerances for closeness, and ideas about what constitutes love and fidelity. And yet, in my experience with couples, one thing makes the biggest difference when it comes to the long-term emotional health of a partnership: taking ownership. It’s more than a skill—it’s a relational superpower that can help even the most estranged partners in the midst of a crisis recover their connection and move forward with new resources and a deeper commitment.

You’d think taking ownership would be easy in a culture where we invest so much time, energy, money, and focus on being able to own stuff, from cars to houses to websites to bright ideas. In spite of our passionate consumerism, owning psychological stuff is bafflingly hard. It can’t be forced or demanded, faked or extorted. Just because you’re able to own something once doesn’t mean you’ll be able to do it again. If attempted without self-compassion, it has a manipulative quality. If done from a purely mental position, it feels dry, a seedless hull without any generative capacity.

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I’m sure you’ve heard people say “I’m sorry” or “It was my fault.” These words can be bridges that span the abyss, but they can also amplify the existing emotional confusion. Our hearts know when ownership is real and when it’s a tactical maneuver. Truly taking ownership requires a willingness to experience and acknowledge our prejudices, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. Ultimately, it means we have to give up defending ourselves, to step out from behind the shield of our victimhood and recognize our capacity to hurt another.

Truly taking ownership feels risky, a bit like showing your cards to an opponent in a winner-takes-all poker game, or maybe like exposing your throat to a potential predator. Lessons we learned early on in our families and communities have impacted how safe we feel showing up authentically with all of who we are even with those closest to us, for better or worse, flawed and fully human. When we take ownership for some aspect of ourselves we’ve previously denied, we bypass our own defenses and connect to our deepest vulnerabilities. We risk something—hurt, rejection, judgment—for the sake of connection.

Truly taking ownership requires a willingness to experience and acknowledge our prejudices, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. Ultimately, it means we have to give up defending ourselves, to step out from behind the shield of our victimhood and recognize our capacity to hurt another.

Once, at the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I remember stopping in the middle of a searing argument and realizing that what he was telling me, and what I was arguing so ferociously against, was in fact 100% true. He’d called my attention to something unpleasant about the way I interacted with him that I didn’t want to admit to. “You’re right,” I said finally, my voice cracking. For a moment, it felt like the world would end. A wave of nausea passed through me, but then my husband took my hand and I could see warmth in his eyes. I’d lost the argument, but I’d begun the process of winning his genuine trust.

If you want to increase your chances of happiness with your partner, try challenging your strongest convictions about “the right way to be” in a relationship, particularly if these convictions create distance between the two of you. Notice the things you can’t stand about your mate and write them down, then consider how these characteristics or qualities might exist, however hidden, within you.

If you’re feeling ambitious, listen carefully to your partner’s complaints: you’re overbearing, needy, jealous, irresponsible, cold. True, these observations may be exaggerated or even false, but they may also be clues to the most important things you’ll ever own—hidden truths about yourself that need to be acknowledged before your relationship can change for the better.

People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing.

In my individual work with people who have uncovered that they were involved in a romantic relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities, one of the first things we do in psychotherapy is to work together to understand the psychology behind narcissistic abuse recovery. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle and empowering the person to narrate their story is essential in the reality testing and support of a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance in Toxic Relationships?

As mentioned in my previous articles on this subject, it is not my practice to label people with “conditions” or “disorders.” I am a strengths-focused therapist, and very solution-focused in my practice with people in therapy. However, when I work with people who are leaving toxic relationships, it helps to understand the nature of the emotional abuse in order to fully conceptualize and process their reality of the experience. Narcissistic abuse is an insidious, covert form of emotional abuse that can happen to unsuspecting individuals who are entangled in a relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities.

One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic tendencies is the generalized concept called cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation. Leon Festinger (1957) was one researcher who studied the theory of cognitive dissonance. Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.

Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse: A Snapshot

A simplistic, condensed example in a toxic relationship: an abuser professes love and divines a marriage date with their partner. The partner is courted, romanced, and ultimately falls in love with the abuser, not knowing that the abuser has ulterior motives (i.e., not staying in the relationship). The partner envisions wedding details and enjoys the courtship, flowers, and being placed on a pedestal. The abuser then suddenly makes a comment denying they said anything about getting married. They go on to say the partner is “crazy” for thinking that. Blame is then projected upon the partner, and the partner is dizzy with confusion, recalling that, indeed, their significant other did discuss wedding bells and a future together.

The partner then experiences a state of cognitive dissonance—a hazy unreality of confusion. Such emotional abuse renders the target confused and reeling with heartache that the pace of the relationship has slammed to an abrupt halt, in addition to feelings of betrayal and being blamed.

Gaslighting: Another Insidious Form of Narcissistic Cognitive Dissonance

Another common tactic of emotional abuse employed by individuals with narcissistic issues is “gaslighting.” This term was coined after a movie titled Gaslight (1944) in which a form of psychological abuse resulting in cognitive dissonance occurred for the main character, played by Ingrid Bergman. The result of gaslighting is that the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being of the target.

Another example of gaslighting in the movies would be the Julia Roberts character as the target of abuse in Sleeping with the Enemy (1991). In her situation, her abuser would appear as a stalker in her house by straightening out the bath towels. Roberts’ character knew that her partner was particular about cleanliness and order, so when she thought she was alone in the house, she found out she was not by seeing straightened bath towels arranged eerily in order. This gaslighting resulted in Roberts’ character doubting her reality and feeling a state of psychological terror. In circumstances where emotional abuse occurs outside of Hollywood films, often the “gaslighting” is verbal or emotional, placing the target of abuse in a state of perpetual confusion.

Using Validation to Diffuse Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is diffused and reduced when the survivor of narcissistic abuse is able to receive validation and confirmation of the reality of their circumstances. Narrating the story can take place verbally in psychotherapy sessions and/or via the use of journaling exercises. Although this is just the beginning of the healing process, mastering the trauma associated with narcissistic abuse ensues when the target has unconditional, positive regard, validation for their experience, psychoeducation about the nature of narcissistic abuse recovery, and empowerment as they move through the emotions associated with grief/trauma recovery.

Being able to vocalize or write about the particulars of the experience releases the trauma and enables the survivor to reduce cognitive dissonance and continue with the healing work. Talking to a licensed, compassionate therapist can be one helpful step in moving toward healing.

There are many more steps in the healing process, but working through cognitive dissonance is a key, initial component in reducing trauma and anxiety in survivors of emotional abuse.

Alex traveled frequently for work. Ashley never questioned what he did on his business trips. She trusted him. When Alex revealed he’d been having an affair with a coworker with whom he traveled, Ashley was devastated. Her entire world crashed in on her. At first she felt shock and disbelief. How could this have happened to her? Was this really happening? Every morning upon awakening, it hit her—waves of pain pounding down on her heart. It was a nightmare she couldn’t shake.

The hurt and sadness were overwhelming. The grief felt as if “something” had died. And then she realized: it was her innocence. She would never again have that feeling of carefree and absolute trust in her partner.

Anxiety and panic stalked her even when she wasn’t thinking about it. Her mind raced with questions: “Was my 19-year marriage a sham? Did Alex ever really love me? How could he have done this to me? Where was the trustworthy, loyal man I married? Do I really know who he is?”

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Within the first three weeks, she lost nine pounds. She couldn’t eat. Sleeping through the night was a challenge. She felt depressed. Every television show seemed to be about infidelity. She couldn’t get away from it.

Alex, for his part, felt terrible. The weight of his guilt was almost unbearable. He watched Ashley’s suffering and did his best to comfort her. She vacillated between wanting to be held closely and desiring to shove him away. He beat himself up daily. Desperate to save his marriage, he finally convinced Ashley to go to marriage counseling with him.

Bob and I saw them in co-counseling as a team. On their first therapy visit, we listened to their heart-wrenching story and saw two people “dripping in pain.” They asked us if there was hope to save their marriage. We told them yes, that we’d worked with many couples who’d come in as the result of an affair; if they did the necessary work and persevered over time, their marriage could not only survive, it could be stronger than it was before the affair. We asked them to borrow our hope until they felt it themselves.

Over the next 18 months, they came to weekly sessions. In the safety of our therapy room, we helped them face and walk through the pain they experienced. Alex honestly answered any and all questions Ashley had, even when it felt punishing and at times arduous. He patiently listened to and empathized with her anger and hurt, even when every cell in his body wanted her to move on from it.

Alex reflected upon how and why he’d made the choices that almost ended his marriage and family. He faced his feelings about his father cheating on his mother and expressed how disappointed he was in himself since he never wanted to be “that guy.”

Ashley worked hard on learning how to express herself in a way Alex could hear. She became less critical and owned her thoughts and feelings. She asked for what she needed instead of expecting Alex to read her mind.

She allowed herself to feel empathy for Alex’s pain when he described his feelings of self-loathing and disappointment in his behavior.

Ashley learned about the meaning of forgiveness; it didn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning Alex’s behavior. Forgiveness meant letting go of her anger and pain about the affair, so she could move forward.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

The two of them explored the history of their marriage and how insidiously they drifted apart, became more like roommates, and took each other for granted. Their primary focus on raising kids and building careers resulted in less time and attention to their marriage. They faced the fact their marriage became vulnerable to an affair as a result, though Alex owned the choice he made to stray.

Together, Alex and Ashley discussed ways to create a deeper connection, emotionally and sexually. They learned to communicate more genuinely and express themselves authentically even in the most difficult times. They learned to manage conflict instead of escalating or avoiding it. They worked on creating habits of connecting daily and appreciating each other. They opened up about their sexual needs and desires even though it was awkward at first.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

Though some couples separate, there is a great chance of survival if both partners have the earnest desire, patience, and emotional fortitude to do the work. Therapy helps couples face the trauma together, work toward understanding and forgiveness, and create an even deeper connection than existed before.

It took time, work, and patience, but Alex and Ashley both agreed it was worth the effort. They were grateful they had not impulsively separated.

It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but couples can and do survive affairs. If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, take your time before making any impulsive decisions. Find a therapist who specializes in marriage, affairs, and relationships for yourself and/or you and your partner.

Note: Names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality.

When warm and sweet feelings turn cold and sour, when the paradise transforms into a living hell, and when the feeling of love has faded away, you know your relationship has become toxic and dysfunctional. With high divorce rates, more and more people are questioning the institution of marriage. Factors such as infidelity, midlife crises, and financial differences can test even the strongest unions, but how you communicate with your partner can be just as important.

If you feel like your marriage is deteriorating, it is time for some reflection. What attitudes and behaviors are detrimental to the marriage? Below, I will discuss seven damaging behaviors that can dramatically impact your relationship.

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1. Negative Criticism

Imagine all your efforts, even constructive suggestions, being met with disapproval and objection by your significant other. Doesn’t feel great, right? Instead of addressing the problems you have with their particular behavior and how it impacts you, you question their personality and values. No one likes being attacked, especially when it comes to their character. Excessive or negative criticism can take a toll on self-esteem and may cause stress, anger, and resentment. When you feel attacked, the hurt may compel you to retaliate toward the complainer or blamer, causing escalation of negative feelings and behaviors.

2. Silent Treatment, Withdrawal, and Distancing

The silent treatment, withdrawal, distancing, and other examples of lack of cooperation are detrimental to marriages. Aren’t we all guilty of this to some degree? At times, instead of communicating the problem with a partner, we shut them out and refuse to collaborate. We decline to express our needs and prevent our partner from expressing themselves or accessing our internal world. This stonewalling can lead to the building of resentment and other negative feelings in the other person. Physical or emotional detachment acts as a hurdle in communication and hurts the well-being of the relationship.

3. Contempt

In his comprehensive research about couples, Dr. John Gottman found out that contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Contempt is poison for marriages. Behaviors such as disrespecting, cursing, name-calling, and anything else that makes the other person feel bad about themselves reflect contemptuous intentions. Contempt from the person with whom you are supposed to feel secure and protected could put the future of your marriage in doubt.

4. Nagging

The Wall Street Journal defined nagging as “the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.” Nagging is a behavior that contaminates a marriage and, over time, has the potential to end it. No one wants to feel like an errant, irresponsible child. Nagging creates distance between a couple and promotes lack of trust and negative energy. When you know it is creating problems rather than solving them, you need to try a different strategy.

5. Defensiveness

Criticism leads to defensiveness, and defensiveness leads to withdrawal. Criticism creates a defensive, self-protective response. It is an intimacy killer that acts as a hindrance in the bond formation. Defensive behavior adds a layer to the already existing problems because no positive result comes out of it. As a shield, many people tend to bring up the past or deflect attention toward something the criticizing partner has done rather than focus on the present challenge. It leads to an “I am right, you are wrong” dynamic and starts a power play.

6. Refusing to Resolve Issues

When couples shut each other out, rather than maturely communicating and resolving the conflict, issues tend to pile up. These tend to burst out during fights as excuses, and further damage the relationship. A lot of couples pretend that everything is okay in order to avoid confrontation. Although it might create peace between the two for the time being, the issue will come up again and again as long as it remains unsettled.

7. Holding to Unrealistic Expectations

When one partner expects too much from the other, the other may feel like a failure when things do not go right (i.e., “Nothing I do is good enough”). This causes unhappiness and frustration. Yes, it’s important to be expressive and to ask in a gentle way for your needs to be met. Yet even when you ask respectfully, it does not mean you will get what you want. Once you ask for something, it is in the court of your partner. When you are assertive and accepting of your partner and the reality of your relationship, while embracing influence rather than control, you are in a better position to get what you want—but more importantly you may be happier, both individually and as a couple.

Having differences and arguments is normal. How you handle these situations makes all the difference. Self-examination and personal responsibility are necessary to secure the marriage and grow emotionally strong together. Avoid damaging behaviors, inject care and compassion, and create a loving marriage. If you need guidance from an impartial professional, contact a qualified therapist.

References:

1. Bernstein, E. (2012, January 25). Meet the marriage killer. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728
2. Navarra, R. J., & Gottman, J. M. (2011). Gottman method couple therapy: From theory to practice. In D.K. Carson and M. Casado-Kehoe (Eds.) Case studies in couples therapy: Theory-based approaches (331-343). New York, NY: Routledge. Retrieved from http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Navarra-Gottman-SRH-Theory-Relationship-Marriage-Education.pdf

When you come home at the end of a workday, do you notice a difference in how the evening goes depending on how you and your partner greet each other? Similarly, do you notice any patterns in the outcome of an argument with your partner based on how the issue is presented? Those first few minutes can have a terrific impact on how the rest of that exchange, and the next several hours, may go, and may ultimately set up your relationship for success or failure.

The First 4 Minutes Together

Imagine walking in the door to your partner handing you a stack of bills and then turning to a household chore while they tell you the oil light in the car is on again, the dentist says one of the children needs braces, and an extended family member you do not look forward to seeing is visiting next week. Or worse, your partner greets you by telling you all the ways you disappoint them.

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Now imagine walking in the door, seeking out your partner wherever they are, and—before discussing the latest family news or obligations—taking a few minutes to sit close while you both talk about how good it is to see each other and how you are glad to be sharing life together. Or better, add a few kisses and hugs to the greeting.

Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) believe the first 4 minutes when a couple awaken together, and the first 4 minutes after returning to each other at the end the workday, are critical to the success or failure of the partnership. If, for example, a couple begins each day with complaining, listing the trivial tasks to accomplish that day, or insisting one partner cannot talk to the other until after the third cup of coffee, this sets a negative tone for the day that over time erodes the warm, loving feelings between the couple. If, on the other hand, the morning’s opening minutes are spent on something mutually pleasurable, such as caressing or rubbing a partner’s back or neck while gently saying, “Good morning,” it reinforces the foundation of the partnership.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) also believe the 4 minutes when many couples meet at the end of a workday are an opportunity to renew the most gratifying feelings they have for each other. As an experiment, try this with your partner by talking about what would help you each feel more connected. Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Couples who have less aligned work schedules may need to be more creative. Those who work vastly different schedules, such as one works days and the other nights, may schedule a few minutes when they pass each other at home. Similarly, couples including a partner who travels a majority of the time may want to select an appointed time to talk for a few minutes, and stick to a plan to spend the first few minutes renewing positive feelings for each other.

The First 3 Minutes of Conflict

How important are the first few minutes of a conflict with your partner? In one of the many studies on couples performed by The Gottman Institute, Carrére and Gottman (1999) observed 124 newlywed couples, married for the first time for less than six months, to learn if it was possible to predict divorce or marital stability based on how a couple interacted in a conflict. The couples were video recorded while participating in a marital interaction session in which they were asked to discuss a marital issue that was ongoing along with two recall sessions in which the couple viewed their initial session. The couples completed questionnaires and were followed up with annually for between four and six years.

The results were fascinating. Using quantitative data of the couples’ affect, it was possible to predict whether the couples would divorce or remain married by observing just the first 3 minutes of interaction in conflict. If, for example, issues were introduced as complaints about a specific behavior, the receiving partner was less likely to respond defensively or negatively, and the couple was more likely to report marital stability years later. If, on the other hand, issues were presented with criticism of the partner that suggested the partner is bad or wrong in some way, the couple was more likely to divorce.

What This All Means

While the entire interaction with a partner matters, the first few minutes can be crucial. By allocating a few minutes at critical times in your day to let your partner know you are on their side, and by being more thoughtful about how you present concerns, it is possible to create a more loving, lasting bond.

References:

1. Carrére, S. and Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3). Retrieved from http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Predicting-Divorce-among-Newlyweds-from-the-First-Three-Minutes-of-a-Marital-Conflict-Discussion.pdf
2. Zunin, L. & Zunin, N. (1972). Contact: The first four minutes. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

When I was in high school, my best friend’s mom made no secret of her worries about us driving, going to parties, meeting new teens she didn’t know, and staying out late. But she felt confident in our ability to navigate the temptations of risky teenage behavior because, in her words, “You have good friends.”

She was right to assert that our solid, trusting relationships with each other were protective, certainly for our physical safety. But as a therapist, I can see now that another aspect of our bonds played a significant and lifelong role in our emotional safety as well. We encouraged one another to take some risks and scale our actions back when necessary; we showed up for one another when we were needed and supported each other when we were down.

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The life lessons of those years, and in many cases the friendships, have withstood the trials of distance, careers, children, marriages, and, yes, other friendships. Whether you have enjoyed positive friendships in your life or not, it is never too late to examine if and in what way your friendships, or your friendship, are lacking and could use attention. While it may seem glaringly obvious that we need trustworthy and reliable friends in order to thrive, here are six common types of friendships that can undermine your efforts to enjoy those friendly bonds and negatively impact your emotional well-being:

1. The Toxic Friendship

Friendships go through ups and downs, as any relationship does in life. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we feel a certain tension or friction in a friendship. That is normal, and through time and solid communication you can often work through those uncomfortable periods.

But that’s different from a friendship that consistently leaves you in a negative state. If you regularly hang out with a friend or group of friends and notice you do not feel energized either in their presence or once you leave them, that is a sign you may need to examine the friendship and your role in the dynamic.

2. The Slippery Friendship

We have all had these friends, and maybe you have even been that person sometimes. It’s natural to suggest to someone you like, “Hey, let’s get together sometime!” But the slippery friend is tough to pin down for an actual date. You may have a plan for Friday night, but on Friday afternoon they bail on you because something more interesting came up.

If you make a plan with someone and they repeatedly cancel at the last minute or make no effort to reschedule, that may be revealing about the nature and quality of the friendship.

3. The Ghost Friendship

Some friends may be good day-to-day buddies, some are terrific in a crisis, and some you don’t see often because of time or distance but know you can count on them to show up for you if and when you need them. Unfortunately, we don’t often know in which camp our friends belong until that moment arises.

It can be hurtful when you reach out to someone expecting them to respond and they are silent. It doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be a good friend, but it may mean you need to either have a talk with them or consider reevaluating to what extent you can rely on them.

4. The Self-Loathing Friendship

As inherently social beings, we can’t help but be influenced by those around us. So if you surround yourself with the company of people with positive outlooks, you may be more likely to regard yourself positively.

The same holds true of the opposite. If you are spending your time and energy with people who don’t like themselves—or, just as bad, who don’t like other people—you may tend to like yourself less. If you are frequently around someone who talks negatively about others, leaving you feeling less happy with yourself, you may be caught up in a self-loathing friendship loop.

5. The Wet-Blanket Friendship

When you are hedging on a risky move in life that could pay off but also may have a disappointing result, such as considering a career change or taking a big step for your health or finances that feels scary but exciting, sometimes our unconscious defense to protect ourselves from that risk is to reach for our nearest wet-blanket friend.

This is the person who will tell you all the things that could go wrong and why you shouldn’t bother, leaving you feeling deflated and your parade drenched in rain. You don’t need to shun your wet-blanket friend, but you should be aware that your friend is stuck, and would rather have your company in Stuckville than see you move forward without them.

6. The Placating Friendship

On the flip side of the wet-blanket friendship is the placating one. While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

As long as the feedback is kind, sensitive, and truly in your best interest, you can still come away feeling good about your decisions or the options ahead of you. If you sense that your friend would not meet you with nothing-but-the-truth sincerity, it’s good to ask yourself what role that friendship is playing in your life, and adjust how much sway that person’s feedback has on you accordingly.

Healthy friendship seems like a simple transaction, but the reality can be complicated, especially as we grow and our emotional needs change over the course of our lives. There will be times when we cannot be the best friends we could or should have been to those we care about. But it is important to keep in mind what is most important about friendships, especially if you are feeling like the “friend” area of your life is lacking. Friends should be reliable, trusting, caring, and honest.

And when you do click with a good friend, remember the wise words of William Shakespeare: “Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel.”

The information age has rapidly changed how we conduct ourselves in business, education, and in general human interaction.

Advances such as email, instant messaging, and social media were all created to make communication easier and more convenient. Families and friends across great distances can now more easily communicate face-to-face anytime they want. Dating sites successfully match thousands of soon-to-be spouses each year, and parents can more easily keep in touch with their children throughout the day.

However, as society adapts to these fresh avenues of contact, there are also ways new technology threatens to strip away important aspects of how people relate and connect on a personal level. This can be especially true in our most intimate relationships.

Here are three areas in which technology may negatively impact relationships:

1. Intimacy

Intimate relationships often have their own challenges, and changing technologies can contribute even more to the stress of modern relationships. Sometimes, the ways people use technology can create problems between romantic partners, potentially stirring conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

A 2014 Pew Research Center poll indicated that one in four cell phone owners in a relationship or marriage found their partner too distracted by their cell phone. Nearly 1 in 10 had argued with a partner about excessive time spent on the devices. The poll noted that many arguments between couples may have something to do with tech use, such as deciding when to use devices and when to abstain. They also found that younger users were more likely to report both increased tension and enhanced closeness in their relationships as a result of technology.

[fat_widget_right]Technology is also changing some of the most intimate ways in which couples connect. Sexting—sending someone text messages containing explicit sexual content—has increased among adults since 2012, with one in five cell users having received a sext from someone they know—a one-third increase in four years.

2. Distraction

Technology can be an effective distraction in the current moment, over a long period of time, and even in its absence. According to a 2015 poll of 453 adults across the United States, nearly half of all respondents reported being distracted by their phones in the presence of a romantic partner.

Those moments spent focused on technology can quickly add up to a sizable portion of a person’s waking hours. The same allotment of time that just a few years ago might have been considered an online addiction is now commonplace in smartphone use, especially among younger users. It represents a shift in how people spend their time and where they focus their energy.

Technology can also be a distraction when it is not in use. When briefly disconnected from their smartphones in a 2014 study, self-described heavy users indicated having higher anxiety levels than moderate users after just 10 minutes.

3. Depression

Heavy use of social media has also been shown to negatively affect mental health. A recent study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine examined depression rates in younger adults, finding significantly increased odds of depression among those spending the most time engaged in social media.

Looking specifically at only personal social media activity, they concluded that heavy use was significantly associated with increased depression and highlighted the importance of identifying interventions for heavy social media users before they experience any mental health issues.

The report also notes that multiple studies have linked social media use with declines in mood, sense of well-being, and life satisfaction. These declines could be related to FOMO, or the fear of missing out, which studies have shown is often exacerbated by social media use.

Syncing Up by Powering Down

According to Ohio counselor Jessica Wade, MAMFT, LPCC, the emotional connections forged by couples through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expression are essential to the relationship and impossible to replicate with technology.

“Overreliance on technology might cause misunderstandings, and partners lose the opportunity to make those immediate relationship repair attempts that happen in the moment during in-person communication,” Wade said.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another.Experts recommend finding alternatives for curtailing technology’s potential downsides. To break the cycle, the first step may be to temper, or significantly reduce, how much time is spent focused on devices, apps, and messaging services.

Finding time to consistently detach may require penciling it in on a daily schedule. Allotting non-use times (such as during dinner or date night) can help reground partners in their relationship or individuals to their surroundings.

Many individuals, couples, and families have sought therapy when technology overtakes other priorities. Experts also advise improving communication skills whenever possible—something technology can actively disrupt. In a time when emails and text messages have replaced other methods of communicating, the manner and skill with which people express themselves can become less robust and more mechanical.

Studies have also found significant value in spending as much time in nature as possible. One study by Dutch researchers found lower levels of anxiety and depression among people living within 0.6 miles of a park or wooded space.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another. Identifying ways to use these new inventions successfully—without cheating yourself out of genuine human connection in the process—may ultimately require more low-tech solutions.

References:

1. Cheever, N. A., Rosen, L. D., Carrier, L. M., & Chavez, A. (2014). Out of sight is not out of mind: The impact of restricting wireless mobile device use on anxiety levels among low, moderate and high users. Computers in Human Behavior, 37, 290-297. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2014.05.002
2. Gardner, A. (2009, October 15). Being near nature improves physical, mental health. Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-10-15-nature-anxiety-exercise_N.htm
3. Lenhart, A., & Duggan, M. (2014). Couples, the internet, and social media. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/
4. Lin, L. Y., Sidani, J. E., Shensa, A., Radovic, A., Miller, E., Colditz, J. B., . . . Primack, B. A. (2016, January 19). Association between social media use and depression in U.S. young adults. Depression and Anxiety, 33(4), 323-331. doi:10.1002/da.22466
5. Penn, C. (2015, October 5). Stop “pphubbing”: New research shows what happens when you focus more on your phone than your lover. Retrieved from http://www.essence.com/2015/10/05/stop-pphubbing-new-research-cell-phones-relationship

After weeks of planning and preparation, you are finally off to enjoy the beach, mountain, cruise, city, or countryside. Or perhaps you’re a spontaneous traveler who found a deal that was too good to pass up, and you’re off on your trip before you know it. Some people are great at keeping travel costs low, but for many of us, no matter how well we intend to budget, travel costs have a way of going up and up. Regardless of how much time and money are spent, vacations are supposed to be fun, right? Then why do so many couples spend so much time fighting in paradise?

On my vacations, I have noticed a surprising number of couples arguing. On one trip, a couple went back and forth for over an hour because one partner did not want to snorkel. The woman remained uncompelled to goggle up no matter how many times her boyfriend told her she was going to miss out on an amazing experience. On another trip, at the airport, apparently a woman was boarding the plane too slowly and was nudged in the back by her partner. This was met with a loud, “Don’t shove me!” On a couples’ cabin trip, I woke to find one member of a bickering couple had elected to sleep on the couch instead of sharing a bed with their partner.

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When I see vacationing couples fighting, I always think, “You have spent way too much money to come on vacation to be unhappy,” quickly forgetting that my partner and I have had our own disagreements while on vacation. But seeing other couples fight and argue serves as a reminder to keep things amicable and enjoyable during my travels. After all, who wants to be miserable while on vacation?

Here are five tips for a conflict-free couples trip:

1. Anticipate stress. One way to reduce stress is to recognize that parts of your travel will be stressful. The more you can prepare for stress, the less likely stress will be impactful. Packing, airports, lost items, reservation mishaps, and getting lost are all par for the course when it comes to traveling. Displaced anger and frustration can lead to unnecessary arguments. For example, your baggage doesn’t make it onto the plane, and when your partner asks where you would like to have dinner, you retort, “Nowhere, I have nothing to wear!” Your frustration lies with the airline, but your partner is the target of your aggression. Understanding that mishaps will arise, most of which your partner can take no responsibility for, can help keep you calm when faced with stressful events.
2. Hold back on “the talk.” If your plan is to enjoy your vacation, your trip is not the best time to bring up a serious issue or discuss an ongoing problem. While on vacation, you may feel like you have a captive audience in which your partner cannot escape a long-overdue conversation, but resist the urge to start peeling back onion layers. Those burning questions you have will be there when you get home, and an enjoyable and bonding trip just might make that issue seem like less of a big deal.
3. Work out issues before the trip. If you know you are not going to be able to enjoy your trip until an issue is worked out, set aside time to work on the problem before your trip. To help with developing a resolution that will make your trip enjoyable, you can preface the conversation by sharing your desired goal. For example, “When we go on vacation next week, I want to really enjoy my time with you. That’s why I want to talk about (the issue) now, so it won’t get in the way of us having a good time.” Chances are your partner also wants to have a good time and doesn’t want to waste time going over something that could have been addressed before you changed time zones. Setting up the conversation this way could help foster motivation in coming up with a solution before the trip.
4. Take time out for yourself. No matter how much you love someone and how well you get along with them, being with someone 24 hours a day is bound to lead to some friction. There is no travel rule saying couples cannot have alone time while on vacation. This doesn’t mean going on separate trips or spending the day apart. Partners can carve out alone time by engaging in solitary activities while together (reading at the beach, listening to music while at the slot machine) or designating time out for themselves (taking a morning run, enjoying a spa service). A little time alone can help ward off travel annoyances.
5. Accept your partner for who they are and how they travel. During my last trip with my husband, I shared that either I was going to have to change my entire personality or he was going to have to accept my vigilance and thoroughness. He chose to accept my personality, which means accepting that I will ask, “Did you lock the door?” and “Do you have the keys?” This is a two-way street in that I have to accept that when my husband is on vacation, he is on vacation. I have to accept that time means little to him and there is a high likelihood multiple trips will be made to the hotel room to retrieve forgotten passports, wallets, and sunglasses. Instead of seeing differences in personalities as travel problems, appreciate what your partner’s personality has to offer. To my husband I bring organization, while he reminds me to relax.

The point of vacation is to get time away from the everyday and replenish. What better way to do this than with your partner? Agree on an argument-free trip so the two of you can focus on having an experience that strengthens your love and appreciation for one another.

It’s far too common for newly married or new-parent couples to find themselves searching for more—more time together, more romance, more connection, more intimacy. Maybe, after the wedding is over and the thank-you notes are written, you’re thinking, “What are we supposed to do now?” Or maybe, when the baby is crying and the laundry is piling up, you’re thinking, “When will we feel like ourselves again?”

Research by Dr. Barry McCarthy, sex and relationship expert and author of Rekindling Desire, indicates that couples are more likely to become sexually inactive in the first two years of marriage than at any other period in their married life (McCarthy and McCarthy, 2014). His recommendation is for couples to reenergize their relationship intimacy by enhancing desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

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One place to start on the journey toward deeper intimacy is letter writing. Writing letters to each other is a good way to communicate your thoughts and feelings amid the demands of work and family. Remember the spark of excitement and desire when you received an old-fashioned, handwritten love letter? That’s the spirit of this activity. These are loving letters, full of your hopes, dreams, warmth, and tenderness. These letters inspire a deepening of intimacy because they help you communicate without distraction and with a genuine voice. The goal is for your words to bring you closer and help you feel more connected.

So here’s how it works: You and your partner commit to exchanging letters, ideally handwritten (but emailed will do), a few times a week. You can each answer one prompt below at a time, and you don’t have to follow the same order. It’s best to direct your answers to your partner, just as you would when writing a letter to anyone else.

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Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

• What are ways you feel loved and accepted by your partner, even with an acknowledgement of failings and imperfections? Are there different ways you show your partner you love and accept them?
• Describe a fantasy, romantic or sexual, you’d like to experience with your partner. Where are you? What does it feel like? What happens first, then next, then after that? How does it end?
• What is a metaphor for your relationship so far? Explain the metaphor. How would you change that metaphor to illustrate the kind marriage you want to have in the future?
• How do you think you and your partner should deal with bad luck or disappointment? How will you show your partner you are on their team no matter what?
• Fill in the blanks and then explain: “If I were living my life the best version of myself as a partner that I could be, I would continue to ___, I would do ___ differently, and I hope you would feel more ___.”
• What do you appreciate most about your partner? What personality traits, strengths, and talents do you admire and value?
• What are your hopes, goals, and dreams for your marriage and family together?

At the end of a few weeks, compile your letters and go over them together. What do you notice about where your answers overlap or where they are unique? Reread them often and allow the words to calm you when you’re angry, soothe you when you’re sad, and fill you with hope when you’re worried. Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

If these prompts, your answers, or your partner’s answers have stirred up deeper feelings of dissatisfaction, disconnection, or disappointment, you may want to seek individual counseling, couples therapy, or sex therapy. The help of an experienced therapist is an investment in yourself and your marriage.

Reference:

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2^nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.

Devoted animal lovers sometimes say their pets are like children—and like children, a furry best friend can cause plenty of strife in a relationship.

Whether it’s a disagreement about how to train a dog or a dispute over how much attention pets should get, conflict regarding pets can cause major turmoil. One study found that the average dog causes 2,000 arguments in his or her lifetime.

A disagreement about pets doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship, but it may require that each of you make some accommodations.

Practice Good Communication

If you’re starting a new relationship, take time to discuss your values regarding pets. If having an indoor cat or a dog that sleeps in your bed is important to you, you’ll need to ensure your partner shares these values or risk ending up in conflict. If you’re already in an established relationship, it’s time to begin communicating clearly and openly. Don’t get a new pet without consulting with your partner and getting his or her enthusiastic consent. If you want to change the way you do something with your pets—for example, allowing Fido to sleep in the bed or taking more frequent walks with your pet and your partner—talk to your partner before taking the plunge rather than making a decision and expecting him or her to abide by it.

Get Specific with the Problem

When there’s conflict over pets, getting specific about the problem can help you figure out a solution. If your husband complains about your dog constantly or your wife snaps at your cat, you might assume that the pet is the problem or that your partner hates your pet. But a change as simple as teaching your dog not to beg or keeping your cat off the bookshelf could remedy the issue. If you’re the pet lover, ask your partner specifically what the issue is and what would fix it. And if you’re the one resenting your partner’s pet, be clear about what you need to feel better.

Consult an Expert

A poorly trained dog or aggressive cat is frustrating to everyone, but the person who brought the pet into the relationship is sometimes more sympathetic to—and defensive about—the pet. If your partner is annoyed by a specific behavior such as excessive scratching, it’s time to call an expert. A trainer can work with you to make your pet a more mannerly member of the family, and a veterinarian can help you uncover hidden health problems that contribute to annoying behavior. It will cost some money, but it may be worth it to save your relationship and keep your pet happy and healthy.

Accept Differences

You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything. You may find that one of you is simply less in love with your pets than the other. As long as your partner isn’t abusive toward animals, he or she doesn’t have to let Fido lick him/her on the face or put up with Kitty’s constant scratching.

If you’re the one who brought the pet into the relationship, be prepared to do a little extra work. There’s no reason your partner has to love your pets as much as you do, or even spend as much time caring for them. As long as you can strike a fair balance that ensures your pet’s needs are met, consider giving your partner a pass on nightly pet duties.

References:

1. Johnston, S. (n.d.). Making peace with your partner’s pets. Match.com. Retrieved from http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12463/Making-Peace-With-Your-Partners-Pets-/

2. Man’s worst friend: Average dog causes 2,000 family arguments in its lifetime. (2012, January 11). Mail Online. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2084835/Mans-worst-friend-Average-dog-causes-2-000-family-arguments-lifetime.html

Marriage rates in the United States are declining, according to a Demographic Intelligence report released in May 2015. At 6.74 marriages for every 1,000 people, the current rate is the lowest in a century, and further decline is expected.

Researchers suggest two different interpretations of these statistics, however. While some see this rate as a clear indication that the marriage rate is declining, others suggest that people may simply be postponing marriage until later in life.

For many, cohabitation may have replaced early marriage. In 1982, a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, based on a nationally representative sample of women and men, reported that only 3% of women who lived with a man were unmarried, while 44% of women surveyed were married. The same survey, conducted between 2006 and 2010, found that 11% of women living with men were unmarried, while only 36% of respondents were married at the time of the survey. (The survey only surveyed men and women, and did not report on marriages between individuals of the same gender.) The more recent survey implied that for the first time historically, people were postponing marriage: The probability of a woman being married by age 40, according to the data, was virtually identical across all years.

Though the marriage rate appears to be declining, it is clear that many people still desire to marry. Why is that? Two people living together might just as easily say to each other, “I will be committed to you forever,” and be done. Some partners do commit in this way, without much fuss, but others follow the more traditional ritual of marriage, complete with a ring, a party, an officiator, and crying friends and family members. For many, these traditions are invested with great meaning. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Perhaps a desire to be connected at the core is what propels some people toward marriage. This “core,” something nebulous that can’t be pinpointed or measured scientifically, may serve to represent a level of deeper connection that many people aspire to reach. Some may feel this can only be accomplished through marriage. This idea may lead some who want this connection but fear they will never experience it to avoid seeking it altogether, in order to avoid hurt and disappointment.

But beyond this core, I believe there are six essential elements to any strong and healthy marriage (or long-term partnership). These elements, more than any other benefit of marriage, may be what some people are seeking—and waiting for.

Connection

Most of us want to connect with others in some way. Many people consider meaningful connections—whether these connections are with friends, family members, or significant others—to be the most important part of their lives or what they desire most from life. A listening ear, validation, empathy, sharing, and understanding can all be elements of a healthy connection. These elements serve as a basis of establishment as well as the benefits of the connection. This connection is not limited to marriage, however. It can be experienced within the context of a friendship, parent-child relationship, or strong sibling relationship.

A strong connection often serves as a foundation upon which other elements are built. Therefore, when we feel disconnected from our partner, this can be a warning sign, and it might be beneficial to seek the help of a professional in order to avoid losing something fundamental.

Commitment

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Commitment is more than just staying power. In some of the long-term cohabiting couples I have worked with, even couples who have been together long enough to have teenage children, one partner said they felt deprived, in a way, by not having been asked to get married. It seems to me that commitment is the act of choosing a partner for life and, with that act, implying unconditional acceptance of the person—flaws and all.

Cohabiting, like marriage, can end at any time. But I believe the difference to lie in the beginning, not the ending. For some, cohabitation might begin with a sort of shrug, a “Let’s see if we can make this work.” It’s often an experiment. It might be a fun one, but for some, it represents a temporary state of being that will eventually lead to either breakup or marriage, rather than a long-term choice (though of course, some individuals enter a cohabiting arrangement committed to each other, with no plans to alter their arrangement).

A breakup, after which a cohabiting partner moves out, can be painful and difficult. But when a divorce ends a marriage, much of the pain often lies in the rejection of the commitment upon which the marriage was founded.

Giving

I do not often see “giving” in Top 10 lists, yet I can’t think of a more important grease to make a marriage run smoothly. Giving, to me, is the tangible show of commitment, of choice, of a deeper attachment than mere friendship. When one partner focuses solely on the self, the other partner becomes an object, not someone who is special and loved.

True giving is unconditional. When we give to get something in return, we are just being selfish in a different way, and this type of giving is unlikely to strengthen a marriage.

A person may also give out of fear of being alone. This type of giving often comes from a lack of self-esteem, or the internal belief, “I am not worthy of love,” and is often characterized by urgency and fear. This “needy giving,” often intended to keep the other partner from leaving the relationship, is typically not an element of love.

Respect

Giving, even giving from the heart, doesn’t mean much if we don’t respect our partner. Respect comes from a deep understanding of our significant other, of their thoughts, reactions, opinions, values, and attitudes. Respect for who our partner is may cause us to look forward to their homecoming each night, make it unlikely we feel bored in their company. Our understanding of who our partner is as a person, and our respect for the qualities that make up our partner, often leads to the growth of admiration. This, in turn, may contribute to the feelings of pleasure we experience in our partner’s company.

Respect also might grow when the marriage, or either individual in it, faces a challenge. When a marriage is troubled, when one or both partners have lost their respect for the other due to mistakes, choices they’ve made, or other issues, watching a partner withstand trials, make different choices, and repair their share of the damage can lead to the growth of new respect. This newfound respect may in fact become the soil in which the seeds of love are replanted, even when it seems a marriage is over.

Trust

I believe that when there is a solid mutual connection, commitment, giving, and respect, the trust partners have for each other cannot be broken. There would be no reason behind breaking trust, no gain. It is my belief and experience that, for betrayal to occur, there has to be a weak link somewhere. When one partner discovers the other partner is having an affair, for example, it is generally the case that earlier warning signs were missed.

To rebuild a sense of trust when it has been lost, the connection between partners must be reestablished. To facilitate this, both partners must understand their role in the breakdown of the connection. (Both partners have typically contributed in some way to the breakdown of the connection, even if only by not drawing attention to the fact that the relationship was in danger.) This process of understanding, which requires honesty and soul-searching, is unlikely to be quick or simple. Partners must both be honest with themselves and with each other and make appropriate, heartfelt apologies. Open, vulnerable honesty is not only an essential part of the healing process, it is also a necessity for what I have found to be the most important element of a marriage—intimacy.

Intimacy

Most people immediately relate intimacy to sex, when actually, having sex can serve as a way of avoiding intimacy. The most important elements of intimacy are openness and honesty, both of which may require the sharing of things that one is ashamed of. Yet being able to be vulnerable to a partner is the very ingredient that makes the act of sex one of such supreme closeness and, well, intimacy.

The vulnerability of real intimacy can be compared to the thrill of roller coasters: We know we won’t die, but we feel, in the pit of our stomach, as if we might. We are about to give up our very selves, just for a moment, and we could lose everything in that moment. In terms of a partnership, it is in that moment that we are one.

But how do we get there? How do we overcome the shyness, the shame of discussing a father who abandoned the family or a mother who berated us and made us feel small?

To do so, we must develop self-love. We must get to that place where we know we are not our parents, where we no longer believe their abuse. We must love ourselves for who we are and who we can be. This self-love is what can eventually allow us to be open, honest, and vulnerable with another person.

References:

1. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K., Vespa, J., & Mosher, W. D. (2012, March 22). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth. National Health Statistics Reports, (49). Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
2. Kaveh, K. (2015, December 14). 7 reasons marriage is on the decline. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-kaveh/7-reasons-marriage-is-on-the-decline_b_8744654.html
3. Stevens, H. (2015, May 18). Marriage at a 100-year low—and that’s a good thing. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-marriage-in-decline-balancing-20150518-column.html

Tinder users may feel less satisfied with their bodies and appearance, and male Tinder users tend to have lower self-esteem than non-Tinder users, according to a study presented at the annual conference of the American Psychological Association.

Tinder, a dating app that allows users to quickly review dozens of profiles (a finger swipe to the right indicates interest and a swipe to the left is a definitive sign of rejection), has been criticized for promoting a superficial dating culture. An article in magazine Vanity Fair blamed Tinder for bringing about a “dating apocalypse” and for treating dating as a never-ending competition. Some critics worry that Tinder—which has about 50 million active users worldwide—creates a constant quest to find the “best” date, treating people as commodities rather than looking for deeper connections or relationships.

How Tinder Affects Mental Health

The study looked at 1,044 women and 273 men, most of whom were undergraduate students. Participants completed questionnaires about their body image, mental health, perceived objectification, and demographic factors.

About 10% of participants said they were Tinder users. This group reported lower overall satisfaction with their bodies and appearance. Specifically, Tinder users were more likely to embrace societal expectations of beauty, to compare their appearance to others, to draw information about attractiveness from the media, and to experience body image issues.

[fat_widget_right]Male Tinder users also reported lower self-esteem than non-Tinder users. Because the study involved more women than men, the study’s authors say more research is necessary to determine whether this correlation holds. Previous research has mostly focused on women’s self-esteem and body image, but this study suggests men may experience these issues as much as women do.

Does Tinder Cause Self-Esteem Problems?

The study does not prove that Tinder causes self-esteem problems, though it does establish a correlation. Its authors suggest the app may make users feel disposable and hyper-aware of appearance issues, but they recognize the possibility that people who already have low self-esteem may be more likely to use Tinder. Because the study also found that Tinder users pay more attention to messages from media about body image, the authors also say it is possible the other way around: people who take body image and self-esteem cues from media may also be more likely to use Tinder.

References:

1. Sales, N. J. (2015, September). Tinder and the dawn of the dating apocalypse. Retrieved from http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating
2. Tinder: Swiping self-esteem? (2016, August 4). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/08/tinder-self-esteem.aspx