Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. No two people see everything the same way, have carbon copy preferences, share identical temperaments, care equally about things, express their wants and needs in the same ways, or handle their fears and disappointments alike.

Add to these differences the fact that each individual in the relationship wants to be important and feel special, and it becomes clearer why clashes are likely to occur in even the best relationships.

The following fictional scene can help illustrate how conflict develops and plays out in a relationship:

“I thought you said you were just going to Ralph’s to buy a chicken for dinner,” Jason said. “You’ve been gone for two hours.”

The game blared in the background, and the dishes were still stacked in the sink. The kids were in the other room arguing over something. The colorful grocery bags sat on the kitchen counter where she’d plopped them.

“Oh, please,” Beth said. “I’m 15 minutes late. You could help out instead of being a couch potato.”

Jason rifled through the bags. “I don’t see my ice cream. You knew it would melt…wherever, whoever, you stopped on the way home to see,” he snarked.

Beth braced herself. This was always how the fights began. The kids were hungry and getting louder. She’d asked him not to do this with them around. Her heart pounded in her ears. Her mouth was dry. Dinner would be late, and he’d eat in front of the TV again.

“I had to go to the bank and pick up the dry cleaning.” She turned her back to him and pulled produce out of the bags. “Stop being so insecure!”

“I wouldn’t be if you didn’t give me good reason,” Jason said. 

Kyle ran into the kitchen wiping his tears on a dirty T-shirt. “She took my turn!” he wailed, then threw himself on the floor sobbing.

“I can’t even leave them with you for an hour.” Beth shook her head and sat down on the tile floor next to their son.

Jason rolled his eyes. “This is hopeless,” he said. “You don’t even care.”

Tips to Minimize Relationship Conflict

Though conflict is inevitable, it does not have to be insurmountable. Here are 10 simple tricks to help minimize conflict in your relationship.

1. Keep your responses short. Long replies can sound confrontational, and they invite long retorts. “I can see you’re upset,” is a better response than a long dissertation intended to calm your partner down and may be a better starting place for you both to develop a different perspective.
2. Remember boundaries are something you set for yourself. “Setting boundaries” for your partner is manipulative and an indirect attempt at control. It’s okay to say what you can be counted on to do, or not to do, under specific circumstances, but don’t try to control your partner. You might say, for example, “If I’m worried about you, you can count on me to text you and ask if you’re okay.”
3. Realize any accusation is a little bit true. This is a hard one, but keeping this in mind can be an effective tool. Realizing accusations typically have some truth to them is one of the best ways to avoid becoming defensive and continuing an argument. “Yes, I do leave my clothes on the floor once in a while,” will deescalate a fight faster than “That’s not true! I never leave anything on the floor!”
4. Ask for what you do want, not for what you don’t. It’s impossible to get the absence of something. It’s much easier for your partner to give you something you do want. “I’d really like to talk about this when we take our walk,” is better and more specific than “I don’t want to talk about this in front of the kids.”
5. Stay on topic. Sometimes it may be hard to figure out what the topic really is, but do the best you can. If you stick with your primary complaint and don’t stray into unrelated issues, your chances of resolution are much better. Redirecting the conversation back to the original topic can take practice. Remember to do it with kindness, not agitation. “I think you were upset about me not sending back that RSVP card. Let’s figure out a solution for that now, and we can discuss my anxiety about being with your family later.”
6. Develop a vocabulary for feelings. A story with a lot of facts is not a great way to get your partner to understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes the people who have the most words in an argument have the most impoverished vocabularies for their emotions. “I feel like you’re not listening,” is not a feeling statement. It’s an accusation. “I feel bad” is not a very clear description of your internal state. Print out a list of feelings from the internet and refer to it often. Build a vocabulary of emotions. Sad, lonely, frustrated, annoyed, ambivalent, agitated, relieved, disregarded, embarrassed, scared, worried, etc. are good words to convey emotions.
7. Switch perspectives. Putting words to what your partner doesn’t think you understand can be a very powerful way to express compassion and lower the chances of conflict. Rather than explaining your side over and over, instead try saying something like, “It seems like you don’t think I understand how overwhelmed you feel. It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are with me. It seems like you don’t believe I understand how hard you’ve been trying.” (Don’t say, “I understand how hard you’ve been trying, but…” That’s talking about yourself. Saying what you understand, followed by “but” effectively disqualifies any compassion you might have shown.)
8. Avoid speaking with contempt. This is one of the most damaging forms of communication in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman’s research points out contempt is one of the best predictors of divorce. Don’t resort to character assassination (i.e., “You’re just a loser,” “You’re just like your mother,” “You’re an embarrassment.”)
9. Writing is as good as talking. Not everyone is able to articulate clearly in a fast-paced discussion. Some people need time to think and gather their thoughts. Texting, e-mailing, messaging, or writing notes are valid ways of continuing a difficult conversation. If you need to pause an argument, let your partner know when you will get back to them. “I can’t continue this right now. I promise I will text you my thoughts after dinner.”
10. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. If you mess up, forgive yourself. Remember that every day you’re doing the best you can figure out how to do. Keep your internal dialogue kind and positive. We can’t give away anything we don’t already have. You won’t be able to say nice, respectful things to your partner if you’re not first saying them to yourself.

Beth sat in the bathroom. The quiet helped her put words to her thoughts. The locked door gave her a sense of seclusion. She revised the text one more time.

“It seems like you don’t think I understand how frustrated you are when I’m a little late. I sometimes feel scared, too, when we’re not as close as I’d like, and I know the kids can be exhausting. We’ll get through this stressful time. It’s not forever. I’d like it if you’d call or text when you’re worried about me. I promise I’ll respond right away. Please let me know if there’s anything else you don’t think I understand about how you’re feeling. I love you!”

She pressed “send.”

References: 

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2004). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Feelings inventory. (2005). Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved from https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I am a mother of one child, and I share custody of that child with her father. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the last two I’ve been seeing someone I’ve become really close to. We’ve lately been discussing getting a place together, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me—he doesn’t seem to like my child. He’s not mean, short, or even rude. He just doesn’t engage her, doesn’t talk to her much, and doesn’t seek out interactions with her. In fact, it’s like he’d rather pretend she isn’t there, unless he has to do otherwise. He prefers to go out and take trips when my daughter is with her father, even though I’ve said frequently that I’d like to include her in the future, at least some of the time.

[fat_widget_right]

My daughter is 8 and reasonably well-behaved, well-mannered, energetic but not too wild—in short, she’s a typical kid and acts like one. There are no underlying factors of health or behavior that might complicate the situation, and she really seems to like my boyfriend and though she hasn’t yet seemed to notice that he often brushes her off, I’m worried she’ll begin to and be hurt by it.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he says he likes her just fine, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to talk to kids. It was a relief to hear that the first time, and I said he could talk to her about anything—a show she likes, the book she’s reading, or her friends at school, etc. But the next time they were around each other, nothing changed. This has become a pattern, and so I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up.

I haven’t dated much since my divorce, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. Is this normal? Should this be a deal-breaker? How can I find out what’s really going on, and whether it’s something that can change? —Mulling Mom

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Mulling,

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply complex dilemma. Dating when you have a child is so very hard because you are ideally looking for two connections—one between you and your partner and another between your partner and your child. It sounds like you have one of those connections, but not the other, and you’re trying to decide where to go from here.

I find myself feeling curious if you’ve talked to your daughter about how she feels about your partner. If you haven’t, it seems like it might be time. Invite her to be honest, and ask simple questions. Does she like him? How does she feel when she spends time with him? Is there anything she doesn’t like about him? What does she wish was different about him? Keep the questions directed at her experience of him; do not ask her to weigh in on your decisions about the relationship—that’s too much responsibility for a child to take on. After such a conversation, you may have a better understanding of her experience of him.

Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter.

Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter. For example, if the conversation with her validates your belief she is unaware that she is being brushed off, this doesn’t mean she will remain unaware. You indicate a concern she will notice and it will hurt her. I think that is a valid concern. As she grows, she will almost certainly realize his disinterest in her, which may be hurtful in the moment but may also send a message to her about what she should expect in her own relationships.

You ask how you can find out “what’s really going on” and if it can change. This can only be addressed with him. It sounds like you haven’t seen any change in his behavior with your daughter and the conversation between you and him is so unproductive that you have ceased having it. Perhaps it’s time to consider enlisting the support of a couples therapist. If both of you are willing, a therapist can help you to move beyond this impasse and have a more productive conversation.

If he is unwilling to engage in therapy with you, it might be a good idea to engage in your own therapy. This is gut-wrenching. You’ve found a relationship you feel happy in after your divorce but question—with good reason—what the impact might be for your daughter. There are no easy answers here, and having the support of a therapist could be helpful as you try to set a course for your future.

Best wishes,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

This article walks the reader through an imaginary sexual interaction between a couple working to overcome various challenges in order to connect. Throughout the story, the author will interject to highlight what worked and describe the research-based skills that made it possible. This article focuses on the woman’s experience. Next month, the author will present the same interaction from the perspective of the man. Though this article focuses on a heterosexual couple, the scenario could easily take place between individuals of any gender.

The relationship between the two partners described here represents a composite of cases from the author’s work as a sex therapist. A year ago they were distant, hurt, and defensive, and they have both worked hard in therapy to get to this point—a much better place.

[fat_widget_right]

Sandra gets home from work at 6 p.m., tired from a long day. Before she can even think about relaxing, she needs to prepare dinner, do chores, and make sure the kids are ready for school the next day. Devon, Sandra’s partner, gets home shortly after Sandra and helps her finish cooking. By the time they have addressed chores and childcare, it’s already 9:30 p.m.

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

The dual control model of sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s, organizes sexual response into two parts: the Sexual Excitation System (SES), the sexual “accelerator,” and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), the sexual “brake.” Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

Devon and Sandra have spent time learning about their own and each other’s SES and SIS. Things that typically trigger Sandra’s SIS, or brake, include worry about the children, stress about her to-do list, physical fatigue, and, at a deeper level, fears of inadequacy as a partner. Sandra’s brake is moderately sensitive, meaning that these factors inhibit her desire and arousal, but not so much that they feel insurmountable. On the other hand, Sandra’s SES, or accelerator, has a low sensitivity. This means her sexual response takes a while to warm up. Things that engage Sandra’s accelerator include Devon helping with chores, feeling desired, planning sex ahead of time, noticing Devon’s positive traits, and experiencing a slow build of physical stimulation.

“You work so hard,” Devon says, wrapping his arms around Sandra, “I want to help you relax and feel good tonight.” Sandra remembers they talked this morning about having sex tonight, but sex is the last thing on her mind right now. She feels a rush of inadequacy and anxiety about not being a more responsive partner, but she also feels annoyance at the expectation for her to be sexual after a long day. Sandra stops herself in these self-critical thoughts, takes a deep breath, and remembers that although her SIS is blocking any sexual desire she might feel otherwise, this is perfectly normal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

She collects her thoughts to respond: “Honey, that sounds wonderful. I want to connect with you too. I just need some time to switch gears from work and “mommy mode” into “sexy mode.” Devon nods and smiles; he knows this. Sandra continues with a specific request, “Could we spend some time cuddling and talking about us for a bit first?” Devon agrees and offers to massage Sandra while they talk. As Sandra’s stress dissipates, she notices her body feeling more relaxed and aroused.

Sandra did three things here: she stopped her judgmental thoughts, recognized what she needed to release her brake and begin to engage her accelerator, and communicated what she needed in a way her partner could receive and understand. Devon knows Sandra’s SES and SIS well, and the couple has practiced communicating about this, and these factors both help matters significantly.

As Sandra begins to kiss Devon and touch his body, her desire builds. Over the past year, she has become more confident taking the initiative in their sexual interactions, which also helps signal to Devon when she is feeling ready. He reciprocates, and they slowly build the foreplay into full-body stroking, fondling, and teasing of each other’s erogenous zones. This feels wonderful, and yet Sandra notices part of her mind is preoccupied. She knows it will take at least another thirty minutes of focused stimulation in order for her to build to a large climax. Sandra has heard that some women come easily, but she has never been one of them. She used to feel ashamed of this, wondering what was wrong with her. Now, she actively practices embracing her body just as it is. Her accelerator is more like a slow-cooker than a flash-fryer—she takes longer, but the process of getting there can be quite enjoyable.

Sandra has learned certain things help turn up the heat more quickly, such as using a vibrator on her clitoris before and during intercourse or having an extended period of foreplay. Tonight, however, Sandra decides she wants to enjoy the slow simmer rather than push her body for a climax. She’ll save that for their Saturday date night when they both have more time and energy. Wanting to communicate this to Devon in a way that doesn’t feel like rejection, Sandra remembers she has options to describe pleasure. “Honey, I’m so into you and love being close like this. Tonight, my body is taking time to warm up, and I know it would take a while for me to come. So I want to fully relish riding the slow, rolling waves of pleasure I’m feeling, without having to push for something more.”

Devon replies, “You know I don’t mind spending time on your pleasure. We’ll take however long you need.” Sandra continues. “Thank you, honey. This right here is exactly what I want. The way you stroke me and hold me feels amazing and has me wanting more of you. I’d like to have intercourse for a little while until we both feel satisfied, then get to sleep before it gets too late.” Devon has done enough of his own work in therapy to be able to both trust Sandra will ask for what she wants and accept it’s okay if she doesn’t orgasm. They have intercourse until both feel satisfied and hold each other afterwards, expressing their appreciation for the shared pleasure and intimacy.

Techniques to Improve Communication

Sandra used several techniques here. First, she gave herself permission to let go of orgasm as a measure of success. Once she did so, she was able to identify what she actually wanted in that specific moment. She then communicated her desires clearly using flexible language to describe her pleasure and genuine affirmations for her partner. When Sandra and Devon began therapy, they, like many couples, were not accustomed to verbalizing positive feedback or asking specifically for what they want sexually, and it seemed awkward and unnatural to them at first. However, practicing this regularly has had immeasurable benefits for their sex life and relationship. Sandra and Devon succeeded because they learned what activates their SES and SIS, or sexual response accelerators and brakes, and implemented changes accordingly. Moreover, they learned how to communicate with each other about their sexual needs and desires in a way that builds intimacy.

If the struggles Devon and Sandra have experienced sound familiar, or if you would like to learn more about sexual response accelerators and brakes and the impact they may have on your relationship, a qualified couples counselor can help you explore these topics with your partner.

References:

1. Kurpisz, J., Mak, M., Lew-Starowicz, M., Nowosielski, K., & Samochowiec, J. (2015). The dual control model of sexual response by J. Bancroft and E. Janssen: Theoretical basis, research and practical issues. Advances in Psychiatry and Neurology, 24(3). p. 156-164. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pin.2015.08.001.
2. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.

Editor’s note: The following article refers to instances of anger in relationships that do not escalate into any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. 

Articles discussing anger in relationships often feature photos that tend to be comical, depicting people screaming or gesturing wildly at each other, for example. These photos take a lighthearted look at a very serious subject—in my opinion, nothing destroys a relationship quicker than hostility and anger.

Consider this scenario: You’ve spent time laying the foundation of a loving relationship (that hopefully started with building a friendship) with your partner. You’ve worked hard to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, but slowly you’re beginning to realize your partner is someone who has a lot of anger built up. Often you don’t even know where the anger they experience is coming from.

Anger can have a serious impact on a relationship. Those who live with and love someone who has a lot of anger can often get caught up in trying to find fault. A symptom of something deeper and more complex, anger can also be contagious, and both people in the relationship often end up angry. After a time, you may become less able to even recognize each other as people, and your basic feelings about yourself often no longer align with what you’re experiencing. Instead, you end up seeing yourself as an angry and hostile individual, identifying your relationship as one where you as well as your partner are angry all the time. [fat_widget_right]

Learning to Become Authentic and Vulnerable

In my work with couples, I focus on helping each partner become authentic and vulnerable, to reach a place where they are susceptible and open to the other partner’s words, actions, and statements.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem. We’re not going to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. If we do, we’re open to blaming our partners for the problems. This creates negative assumptions about our partners, so we lean toward being protective of ourselves. The result is an outward appearance of being uncaring and unloving—though this appearance may be accurate in the moment, when we are in protection and defense mode in our relationship instead of focusing on the love we have for our partner.

The cycle of anger changes our perception of ourselves, our partners, and the entire relationship. To change this perception and see what is really there, we need to identify the fears and difficulties that have been created by the anger and address the impact anger is having on the relationship.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem.

If we experienced anger in our family of origin, or if we have experience with domestic violence, we may recognize its danger. We might try to avoid anger as long as possible, but it builds up, like a teakettle slowly reaching a boil. Eventually you, like the kettle, will eventually reach a boiling point where you can no longer contain your anger. If you don’t have the skills to manage it productively, it can explode.

How Can We Address Anger?

It can be difficult to talk about anger instead of displaying it. Maybe your past family experience tells you violence will be the outcome of any discussion, and so discussing your anger is the last thing you want to do. This is one situation where both people often feel so bad about themselves and each other that they tend to not even recognize themselves or their partner in these interactions.

In defense, some numb their emotions and don’t access them at all. Feelings of being denied, or as if one’s feelings don’t matter, often develop, and these fears, insecurities, and feelings of self-doubt contribute to the anger. The conflict causes partners to avoid connecting emotionally not only to the anger, but also to the other intense emotions that accompany it.

Because the experience is so different from the way you see yourself, you may tend to see your partner as the one who is causing it and come to believe you don’t matter to them. But anger is an emotion that often serves to mask other emotions—pain, loneliness, or feelings of alienation. Often we must go through the anger to the other side in order to resolve the other emotional hurts underneath.

The answer to this is really to go back to the friendship, the foundation you first laid for your love relationship. Underneath all of the pain and difficulty are still two people who truly love and care about each other and want the best for each other. We want to be there for each other, but how do we do that when emotional eruptions continue to happen and we feel powerless to stop them?

Try these steps:

1. Identify that this is a problem. If you don’t acknowledge it, you won’t be able to break the cycle.
2. Find a way to cool down your temper and de-escalate arguments. Couples who truly know each other often know how to, even in the heat of anger, inject humor into the conflict and change the tone of the discussion. When you can laugh about things, you know you’ve worked hard on your relationship. You first have to have that foundation of trust, though, in order be able to do this. You have to know your partner and truly believe their intentions are trustworthy.
3. Think before you speak. If you’re speaking while triggered, nothing will be able to be resolved. Anger has a way of shutting down your brain until you’re only angry—you’re often not reasoning or thinking clearly. You need to be able to step back, look for the causes of the anger (attachment needs not being met, for example), and talk about them. When I see couples who are in conflict, often the issues they’re arguing about/are angry about stem from feelings of detachment. Deep breathing and calming techniques can be helpful steps in de-escalating the situation.
4. Own your anger and be aware of warning signs. Address the primary emotions underlying the anger. Often in these situations, we’re only addressing the secondary emotions, the things that made you angry or set them off. But these are not the core issues. Primary emotions instead might include feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment. When your partner is angry, it may remind you about losses in your family. You might feel guilt, shame, and defeat over not knowing how to have a good relationship with someone you care for a great deal. You may experience self-doubt, which can be hard to navigate when you face this kind of confusion. Your experiences may not match who you are or who you think your partner is.
5. Keep a journal. Write down what matters to you and what you want from your relationship. Take time to describe the feelings of sadness and self-doubt, among others, you experience when the two of you are not doing as well. Whether you bring this journal to counseling to help you put your emotions into words, share your thoughts with your partner on your own, or simply keep the journal private, being able to articulate these issues can help you identify the real reasons you’re in this angry cycle with your partner.
6. Deal with the anger as soon as possible. Address it immediately and acknowledge what you’re upset about. Show your partner you truly care about what is bothering or hurting them, and express your feelings in non-blaming ways. If your partner is full of anger and becomes harsh or critical, don’t have to take it to heart. If it’s not accurate, you don’t have to defend yourself (this often escalates). Instead, stand back and allow yourself to see the real message behind the hurtful words. Often the message is something much deeper. Your partner loves you but may feel you don’t love them because of something you’ve done or said and doesn’t know how else to express their feelings in the moment. If you can step past the anger and acknowledge your partner is hurting underneath the anger, you can reassure them you do care and begin to address the anger and its impact together, with your relationship as the top priority. (No one should ever take responsibility for a partner’s anger that is expressed through any type of abuse or violence. This is never okay. If anger in your relationship is characterized by abuse and violence, please reach out.)
7. Work on really listening. Communication is not just speaking, it’s listening, truly listening. Acknowledge what your partner is saying, and own up to any responsibility for feelings of frustration, hurt, or disconnect. If you have hurt your partner, apologize with sincerity. If you’re the injured party, work on forgiving them instead of holding on to anger and resentment. This, with the help of a qualified couples counselor if necessary, can help the two of you move forward toward a better place together.

Anger is something that can alter a relationship to the point you are no longer able to be proud of who you are together. You want to have the kind of relationship where you feel you’re with your best friend and where you know you care deeply for each other. Once partners get to the core of the problems and identify the needs both parties have, it’s possible to learn how to meet those needs for each other and begin to have more positive experiences together, changing any negative perceptions.

Anger is often a symptom of something deeper. When we realize this, we can address this in order to change the tone of our discussion about anger, put an end to negative interactions, and begin to make space for positive communication and change.

Shedding light on blind spots can make the difference in whether a marriage thrives. We all have blind spots. Discovering and understanding what yours may be can have a lasting impact on the quality of your relationship.

A blind spot is a range of view that is blocked. It can be an area where a person fails to exercise judgment, awareness, or perspective. In a relationship, a blind spot can mean any area a person fails to recognize is impacting their relationship either in a negative way or as a needed growth area.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

3 Key Questions for Shedding Light on Blind Spots

What kind of person am I becoming?

Answering this question shows a willingness to look at yourself. Understanding that conflicts and problems in your marriage aren’t just about your spouse’s faults, personality, or behavior is key. It takes two people to have a healthy and strong marriage.

We all come into our marriages as unique individuals with different histories and relationship experiences. We all have different family stories and ways we were modeled love, affection, and comfort. Understanding how your background has influenced and shaped you is important.

Asking this question shows a desire to want to improve not only yourself, but the quality of your marriage.

How is your communication style impacting your spouse?

Dr. John Gottman, one of the foremost experts on couples with over four decades of research, reports he can predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple will break up. He does this by observing them for 15 minutes while they try to resolve an ongoing disagreement.

Dr. Gottman’s research concludes it’s the way a couple argues that indicates whether they will remain together. He cites contempt as the number one culprit. He believes if a couple continues with this type of communication style over time, they will most likely end up getting a divorce.

If you feel your communication with your spouse is colored by contempt, you can make a change starting today. Becoming aware of the way you are arguing is a first step.

Contempt is attacking your partner’s sense of self by conveying disgust. It can be expressed both verbally and non-verbally. Verbally, it is often expressed as harsh judgment, insults, sarcasm, hostile humor, and name-calling. Non-verbally, it can be expressed by rolling eyes, a dirty look, curling the lips, or sneering.

If you feel your communication with your spouse is colored by contempt, you can make a change starting today. Becoming aware of the way you are arguing is a first step. Beginning to practice the antidote—a softened, non-contemptuous style—will help you develop healthier communication and, according to Gottman, reduce the likelihood of eventual breakup.

Are you exercising clear boundaries in your marriage?

Often in relationships, boundaries can become blurred. Good boundaries can keep you from stumbling and falling on the slippery slope of infidelity.

A boundary is a clear line of demarcation. We should actively be putting up stakes around our marriages. When we do so, we are stating claim to what is ours. Good boundaries should apply to our behaviors, thoughts, feelings, choices, and decisions.

In many situations, the shift from friendship to affair can be subtle or unnoticeable. Often, it happens gradually over time. For this reason, having clear boundaries is paramount. At any given time, you know what is acceptable in a friendship and what is not.

Dr. Shirley Glass, in her research on infidelity, discussed the importance of walls and windows. She explained that when a couple constructs a wall together, it shields them from forces that have the power to separate or tear them apart. The couple can view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. They exercise a united front when engaging with friends and family.

When an affair happens, it creates an interior wall of secrecy. A window of intimacy is opened between the affair partners. The united front the married couple once had becomes compromised, potentially even destroyed.

Take inventory of the boundaries in your marriage.

Conclusion

Asking these three questions is a good place to start when examining our own blind spots. The questions posed are not exhaustive, but they can be helpful. We all want our marriages to thrive. For that to happen, shedding light on our blind spots is imperative.

References:

1. Glass, S. P. (2004). Not ‘just friends’: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been with my boyfriend for going on three years. A couple of months ago, he said he thought it would be “healthy” for us to be able to have access to each other’s phones. He wants to be able to read my text messages whenever he wants and says he’s okay with me reading his too.

I thought this request was odd, to say the least. I told a couple of friends about it and they also said it was weird. Neither one has an “open phone” policy with their partners. They think it speaks to trust issues on his part.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

We don’t have a history of infidelity, so that can’t be it. I’ve never betrayed him in any real sense. The only thing I can even think of that created any sort of weirdness in our relationship was when I got hit on at a friend’s wedding. That was about six months ago, and while I did accept a friend request from the guy on Facebook, we have only exchanged a couple of comments on public posts. Friendly, but nothing racy. My boyfriend mentioned our interactions once but not in a way that would suggest he felt threatened or insecure. Anyway, I asked him if that had anything to do with his request and he said no.

So I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t like knowing my boyfriend insists on seeing my messages. To avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing. We keep our phones unlocked now and he is free to look at mine whenever he wants. Though I’ve never witnessed him doing it, I know he does. I have never looked at his. I just don’t feel a need.

What do you think is happening here? Am I going about this the right way? Should I insist on a boundary? —Open-Ended

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Open-Ended,

Thanks for writing in. I, too, have some concerns about this “open phone” policy and understand your reluctance, which I encourage you to pay more attention to. Before expounding, however, I’m going to briefly discuss what, exactly, a “boundary” is, in my clinical experience, since the term gets thrown around a lot while meanings differ.

Since I like to work from a point of view I call “emotional mindfulness”—and what are love and intimacy if not emotion-based experiences?—I think of a boundary as an inflection point beyond which one will suffer in an unacceptable way. This point of departure most often concerns a specific behavior which causes a person a level of distress or suffering they are not able or willing to tolerate.

It is, in other words, a way of warding off a negative emotional experience, which is why it’s so important such things be discussed in a relationship with as open a mind and heart as possible—even or especially when they don’t “make sense” or conflict with our own way of viewing things. Concrete statements can be debated, while feelings remain indisputably personal: “here is how someone ought to behave in a situation” versus “this is what upsets or hurts or feels positive about this.”

My sense is you and your boyfriend are somehow missing each other in this regard. On the one hand, you say, “To avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing [phones].” Thus, after some internal deliberation and perhaps anxiety, you agreed with his request—except you are writing to me about it, indicating there remains some anxiety or reservation.

The concern I have here is that the focus has become centered on the mechanics rather than the emotional meaning of this sharing. By “meaning,” I refer to how you both think and feel about what’s happening and how it impacts the relationship. In a way, the background dilemma has been tabled, not solved.

The fact a guy hit on you at a wedding became understandably concerning for your boyfriend; this guy then “friended” you on Facebook, which you accepted. While your trusting of others isn’t a bad thing unto itself, I would hope you can see how that might have been anxious-making for your partner, perhaps due to some of his own history (just as some of yours may have impacted your decision to friend the guy and/or agree to share phones).

In all fairness, your boyfriend did not come out and discuss his concerns explicitly, which is part of the “missing each other” I mention above. He took a literal or physical approach rather than risking vulnerability in discussing it. You may have taken a similar route in agreeing to share your phone when you were hesitant, both of you bypassing the emotional risk or vulnerability so crucial to building closeness or intimacy.

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend’s impulse to check your phone—which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn’t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it’s only a Band-Aid solution—is a way of saying, “I don’t trust you.”

Your decision to friend this fellow—and here I’m reaching a bit—could mean you do not like to feel constrained, for example in who you do or don’t befriend or interact with. You might believe, “I told him I’m taken, he gets it, and I’m fine with it.” Of course, your boyfriend could harbor similar sentiment about checking your phone: “I’m not suspicious of anything in particular, it’s just a way of shoring up trust and makes me feel better.” It sounds like both of you are facing common human anxieties that might, if mutually shared and understood, lead to deeper understanding and a strengthened emotional bond.

The “I’m” and “me” parts are key. It’s hard to put the “we” above “me” in any relationship, especially when we don’t get the other person’s point of view (more on that in a second), or if that POV conflicts with or appears to get in the way of our autonomy, freedom, and so forth.

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend’s impulse to check your phone—which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn’t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it’s only a Band-Aid solution—is a way of saying, “I don’t trust you.”

It could also be saying, “I do trust you, but I get so anxious about this that I must have validation or confirmation. It’s hard to say no to this need to know.”

Your deciding to friend the guy at the wedding is a way of saying, “Hey, you can trust me, I’m loyal to you.” It could also be a matter of “I have a hard time saying ‘no’ as it might hurt the other person’s feelings, so it’s safer to just agree.”

Both of you overlap in saying, “Please understand this, don’t be hurt”—agreeing with the other’s behavior in a way that misses the underlying, more vulnerable anxieties or hopes for understanding. Thus, the relationship remains anxiety-laden, which is probably why you decided to write in.

In either case, you and your boyfriend have real (and understandably human) vulnerabilities around trust and betrayal. It’s worth sitting down with each other for an open conversation in which you try to hear the other person out in terms of their hopes and fears. If this feels uncomfortable, reach out to a therapist who can help facilitate things in an impartial way.

Perhaps your boyfriend was once betrayed by a partner, leading to anxiety around a repetition of this; perhaps you once said no to someone and it backfired or hurt you. In either event, I would think the solution has to come from within each of you in a shared way, rather than a physical or concrete way of controlling anxiety and postponing some stepping-outside-the-comfort-zone. We cannot avoid the need to emotionally stretch—sometimes awkwardly, uncomfortably—in the growth required for long-term intimacy.

I see this in couples counseling all the time, where one person needs to turn up the volume on their wants or needs (yourself, in this case), while the other needs to dial it down a bit in terms of intrusiveness or demand (your boyfriend)—while both partners attempt to center on the emotional vulnerabilities driving the conflict, rather than resting in an external solution. Putting the cart before the horse is something we all do, though the “horse” (i.e., the relationship) only ends up feeling blocked, restless, or cagey.

I hope this helps. Thanks again for writing!

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD

Sexuality is a crucial energizing force in the lives of human beings. At its best, sex in an intimate relationship is an expression of the emotional bond between two people. It is best understood in terms of the dynamics of the relationship in which it exists.

A healthy sexual relationship reflects the quality of the bond between two individuals. In my experience as a therapist, couples who cherish each other; are demonstrative about their love; and are committed to the relationship’s growth tend to be most content in their sexual lives.

Most often, eroticism is at its height in the beginning of a relationship. Then, mysteriously, it tends to subside. But monogamy need not be monotonous if the couple is open-minded enough to learn about the emotional parts of their relationship that are impeding passion and willing enough to bring novelty, intense closeness, and sensuality into their sex life.

[fat_widget_sex_right]

Before anything else, in order to have a good sex life you need to see yourself (regardless of body image) as a sexual human being who has an inherent right to sexual pleasure. Know for a fact you are innately lovable and sexy.

Recognizing the positives in your partner is also mandatory. This means not focusing on his love handles or the skin beginning to sag under her arms. Focus on your partner’s general beauty. Love everything about them.

Listen to what feels good to your partner and what doesn’t without taking it as a sign of your inadequacy. Feedback from your partner is critical in negotiating satisfying sex. When there is distress in the relationship, this feedback is often given and received in the context of fears and anxieties.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

It is common in intimate relationships for there to be a high-desire partner and a lower-desire partner. Even happy couples have learned to compromise, to deal with the issue with some objectivity and humor and to not let it affect their relationship outside the bedroom.

For some couples, however, a desire gap can wreak havoc in the quality of their relationship and may be a steppingstone to divorce court. The high-desire partner may experience shame, rejection, self-doubt, and isolation as a result of being turned down for sex repeatedly. The low-desire partner may feel controlled, obligated, inadequate, resentful, and tyrannized.

Sexual/marital therapy offers a way out of this dilemma if the partners are committed and willing to keep an open mind. Therapy also offers an avenue toward growth, novelty, and excitement in their sexual relationship.

Suggestions for the Partner with Greater Desire

• Keep your anger and sense of rejection intact.
• When asking for sex, be direct.
• Approach sexual intimacy out of amorous feelings and desire, not out of habit.
• Study your partner’s body and hot spots. Become an expert on how to create arousal in your partner.
• Realize people sometimes may need longer and more varied kinds of sexual stimulation to become aroused.
• Don’t heighten your level of sexual longing by, for instance, looking at porn.
• Your partner may have certain conditions that make them ready for sex: the kids may have to be asleep, the dishes may need to be washed, you both may need to bathe, a certain article of clothing may need to be worn. Whatever puts your partner in the mood, try to honor it.
• Consider (non-porn-based) masturbation as a way of meeting some of your unmet physiological needs.

Suggestions for the Partner with Lower Desire

• Realize it’s up to you, not your partner, to create your arousal.
• Be attentive to sexual cues like smell and touch.
• Have reasonable conditions for sex to occur.
• Masturbate less often.
• If you’re simply not in the mood, say so clearly, but try to combine it with other forms of physical affection (cuddling, massage, hand-holding, etc.).
• Live a lifestyle that is vigorous and healthy.

Marital/Sexual Counseling and “Optimal Sexual Functioning”

Eroticism cannot blossom in an environment filled with chronic anger, resentment, power plays, blaming, withdrawal, hurt feelings, sadness, resignation, defensiveness, lack of trust, poor communication, or ambivalence about intimacy and commitment. The goal of couples counseling is to replace these states with positive feelings, a sense of togetherness and of shared time and activities.

When couples/sex therapy skills are used with intense intimacy between partners, the result is the experience of sexual potential, a realm few people experience because it takes willingness, commitment, energy, and fearlessness.

Counseling restores a sense of parity in a relationship. When one partner believes they are somewhat powerless or resents the other’s unilateral decision-making about sex, the situation is ripe for a control struggle. This “push-and-pull” spills over into the sexual relationship in the form of attempting to control sexuality by withholding sex, or in the inhibition of sexual desire.

One of the functions of couples/sexual counseling is to enhance techniques that promote relational and sexual health. These include:

• Clear communication, in and out of the bedroom.
• Problem-solving/decision-making.
• Conflict management.
• Behavioral exchange skills, which teach partners to express positive and specific requests for behavioral changes in their partners in and out of the bedroom.
• Become more detailed in your view of your sexuality. (Exactly what can you do to make a sexual encounter seem more magical? What communication problems are keeping you sexually deprived and emotionally distant? Is it embarrassing to ask for what you want sexually? Why you aren’t you setting aside enough time for sex?)

When couples/sex therapy skills are used with intense intimacy between partners, the result is the experience of sexual potential, a realm few people experience because it takes willingness, commitment, energy, and fearlessness. The reward for your efforts, however, can instill in you a new sense of sexual vitality. With this type of optimal sexual functioning, you’ll have more knowledge, confidence, closeness, and eroticism than ever before.

When sex is taken from a purely physiological act and is experienced as a physical/emotional/intellectual/spiritual union, the boundaries of the personal ego melt away and you can experience something larger than yourself. Sustained passion in a long-term relationship can be a much more fulfilling experience than the hormone-driven clutching at each other that occurs at the beginning of a relationship.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I don’t think my relationship with my boyfriend is that bad, but some of my friends beg to differ. Mainly, they are concerned about some of the language he uses with me. He can be crass at times, for sure, but I don’t think he usually means to make me feel bad. I tend to look at it like he’s just “being a guy” since it’s how I hear guys talking to each other sometimes. Maybe he just looks at me as “one of the guys” and it’s a comfort thing?

[fat_widget_right]

For as long as we’ve been together (going on two years now), he has called me “b—-,” “c—,” and “w—-” pretty often. Like, at least one of those at least once a day, and usually way more. Sometimes he says these things when I make him mad, but more often than not it’s like he uses these terms in place of my real name, almost like a playful nickname? I have asked him once or twice why he does it and he says I shouldn’t overthink it and they’re just “terms of endearment.”

Obviously, I’m used to it after all this time, but whenever he does this when my friends are around they gasp or come to my defense. Privately, a couple of friends have told me my boyfriend is being emotionally abusive when he calls me names, and that I should not tolerate it. I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that my friends considered what he was doing emotional abuse, and he just got defensive and actually did it more, as if to make a point. I don’t see him stopping. I can’t decide if it bothers me (or should bother me) or not. Do you think I am being abused? I don’t want to leave him since I don’t feel all that unhappy in general, but I also hate to think I am in an abusive relationship! —Sticks and Stones

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Sticks and Stones,

The only people who can really evaluate how a relationship is working are the people who are in the relationship.

That said, the behaviors you are describing would naturally raise concerns with those who care about you. The words he is using, especially “c—” and “w—-,” are aggressive words that are generally considered pretty disrespectful. The fact he uses these words when he is angry is a red flag. As far as terms of endearment go, they aren’t very endearing. You are not “one of the guys”—you are his partner. There is a difference.

The true indicator, however, is how he would respond if you did ask him to stop. If you decided you did not want to be called those names, even affectionately or playfully, would he respect your wishes or would he dismiss them? Telling you not to “overthink” things seems pretty dismissive. Your attempt to raise the issue about your friends’ feelings seemed to increase rather than decrease the behavior. That is not a sign of someone who is willing to take in alternative perspectives or be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Those are warning signs to pay attention to.

Only you can decide if your relationship is working for you. I would encourage you, however, to think beyond the words and explore how your needs are being met in the relationship and how you feel when you are with this person. Do you feel cared for, loved, and respected?

You do not have to be bothered by words if they don’t bother you. You don’t have to be bothered by words because your friends are bothered. It is important, however, to pay attention to how your boyfriend handles conflict and responds to your feelings. Is he willing to adjust his habits if they are hurtful to you? If not, then your friends have reason to be concerned.

Generally, how we speak to people is a reflection of how we think of them and usually a strong predictor of how we treat them. Using dismissive, disrespectful, or derogatory language tends to distance us from the humanity of the other person and allows us to ignore their feelings and needs. This may not happen intentionally, but it is often a side effect of that kind of practice.

Only you can decide if your relationship is working for you. I would encourage you, however, to think beyond the words and explore how your needs are being met in the relationship and how you feel when you are with this person. Do you feel cared for, loved, and respected? Do you feel your needs are valued and attended to? Do you feel like he is your number one fan and will support you through tough times? Does he help build you up when you are feeling low? Do you feel good about yourself when you are with him?

If the answer to these questions is no, then language is not the biggest issue in your relationship. And if that’s the case, you may want to speak with a qualified therapist who can help you sort through your feelings and your options.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

When a couple breaks up, it is often inevitable that one or both of the parties involved consider the idea of getting back together. After a breakup, it’s often easier for us to look back on the failed relationship with nostalgia, remembering the good times we had and dismissing the challenges that led us to break up in the first place. Some couples might often try a brief reconciliation, but this often does not work out and they break up again.

While there might be some attraction to the idea of getting back together, and while it might work for some couples, for many people a reunion is simply going to lead to a repeat of the same issues that contributed toward the breakup—unless each individual has done extensive work to develop new relationship and interpersonal skills or address other challenges that made the separation necessary. If this personal work has not taken place, the odds are not in favor of a couple being able to reunite and build a healthy and powerful relationship together.

[fat_widget_right]

Therefore, as much as you might miss your ex, and as tempting as it may be to try and get back together with that person, it may be best to tread carefully when heading down this path. It is generally a good idea to examine the motives behind rekindling the relationship and make certain that, if you truly do want to get back together, it is for the right reasons.

Below are some common “wrong” reasons people get back together with an ex, followed by warning signs that attempting to rebuild your relationship may not be the best idea for you right now. It may be helpful to consider these carefully before deciding whether or not to rekindle a romance with an ex-partner.

Breaking up and getting back together has become a pattern.

Some couples develop an unhealthy pattern of getting incredibly close, becoming overwhelmed by this intimacy, and then sabotaging the relationship in order to ease up and obtain needed space. The partners may find the intensity of their togetherness is becoming suffocating or that they are losing themselves in the relationship and withdraw emotionally, cheat, or create other conflict to break up the relationship and take some time to heal. Then, drawn by the intimacy, they rush back into the relationship and repeat this cycle over and over.

In relationships like this, one or both of the partners often feel emotionally abused, and this can indicate it may be time to permanently end the relationship and seek professional help from a therapist to better understand the attraction to this pattern.

You’re getting back together for the sex. 

It is common to feel isolated and emotionally fragile after a breakup. The connection gained from sexual intimacy can be a powerful panacea to this empty feeling, and the person it may feel most comfortable to have sex with is the person you just broke up with. However, this type of reconnection can reduce the value of intimacy and emotional connection. Though it may feel good in the moment, it does not address the core issues faced before the breakup. If you are mainly attempting to rekindle a relationship because of sex, consider this fact a warning sign and pause the process.

You miss the good times. 

Nostalgia can color our view of the past, and we may be particularly blinded by our rose-colored glasses when pining over an ex. Don’t forget there was a reason (or more than one reason) you ended the relationship. It’s important not to disregard those reasons. Whether you struggled to communicate effectively, had different intimacy needs, or found yourself bored with the relationship, it was a serious enough concern to lead one or both of you to choose to end things.

Don’t let your longing for the happy moments you shared overpower the pain of the difficulties you faced. Take time to evaluate the true reasons for breaking up, keeping in mind that, unless you and your ex are able to establish a new style of relating (which may be possible, especially with the help of a relationship counselor), things probably won’t be much different if you try to get back together.

You are afraid of being alone. 

Many of us agree that being alone is scary, or at the very least, less than ideal. One of the perks of being in a relationship, even if it is not always a healthy one, is companionship. There is always someone there to fend off the rest of the world and help prevent feelings of loneliness. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. People may prefer to remain in an unhealthy relationship or attempt to rebuild a challenged relationship when they look into the future and envision themselves alone and unsupported. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. It might be scary to think of going it alone, and you may fear being single for the rest of your life, but understand that being single but content in other aspects of life may be more fulfilling than continuing forward with a partner who is toxic, draining, or otherwise harmful to your well-being.

Before You ‘Text Your Ex’, Have You:

Taken ownership for your part in the breakup? 

In many cases, the reasons for a breakup cannot be attributed solely to one party, and it’s important for all parties involved to acknowledge how they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. Apologies can go a long way toward reconnection. When they are not forthcoming, this may indicate a lack of awareness of the core issues that negatively impacted the relationship. Reconciliation is not likely to be possible without each partner acknowledging any problems that existed within the relationship and their responsibility for those problems.

Considered the opinions of those close to you? 

After a relationship ends, friends and family of those involved are most likely going to offer their opinions on the breakup. While (1) these are only opinions, and (2) the only person who can determine what’s best for you is you, it is often the case that friends and family have input that may be worthy of consideration before you make a decision to get back together with your ex. It might be difficult to listen to what they have to say, but if your friends and close family members are adamant about your breakup being a good idea, consider the possibility that they they noticed things about the relationship that concerned them. Close friends and family are often able to identify blind spots and toxic characteristics you may have overlooked. Listening without judgment can be a valuable method of gathering new insight on the relationship, but your ultimate decision should still be your own. If the voices of friends and family are too overwhelming, consider seeking the help of a relationship counselor or other mental health professional as you sort through and consider their suggestions or observations.

When considering reconciliation with an ex, take into account some of these warning signs and use them to explore your motivation for getting back together. It’s never a bad idea to get professional help after a breakup, especially when you feel confused or uncertain. An ethical therapist won’t give you advice, but they can offer compassionate support and help you explore your feelings toward your ex, the relationship itself, and possibilities for the future.

When I think of white lies, I think of a true story about me and my mother. Not an intimate relationship, I agree, but still the sort of thing that could happen between married partners.

Though I had been married since the previous year, and my husband and I very much wanted a child, I could not seem to get pregnant. Meanwhile, my mom was struggling with depression and could not get over the loss of my father. Also—and this is the key point—she had a bad heart and had been told she needed open-heart surgery, but she was refusing it.

While visiting her in the hospital, as I did almost daily, I finally mustered up some excitement and said, “Mom, I’m pregnant!”

Yes, I lied—but it worked. That same day, my mother told her doctor she would go through with the surgery (Interestingly, I was saved from embarrassment about 11 months later because within the two months following her successful surgery, I did get pregnant, and she was a very happy grandma.) [fat_widget_right]

In my opinion, the real question you must ask yourself when deciding whether lying is the right thing to do is this: Who are you protecting? It’s really that simple. I would have done just about anything to save my mother’s life. The lie came from my heart and was intended solely for her benefit, not mine.

According to people who detect lying and liars as part of their profession (detectives, members of the FBI, and so forth), we all tell “white lies,” or lies intended to protect others, every day. “That dress is gorgeous on you!” is something we might say to protect someone we care about or to protect the relationship we have with them, for example. We understand the listener would not benefit from hearing the truth and would likely feel hurt instead.

Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, became concerned with the growing lack of trust in our society and its implications for business and families. Her book, based on a review of all the literature on deception written for the intelligence community, explains that each person is lied to—and lies—from 10 to 200 times a day! [amazon_affiliate]

The Effects of Lying

How is it possible to lie and be lied to so many times? Consider how many times you say, “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are and you aren’t actually “fine” at all? This, according to Meyer, is a lie. What’s wrong with it? Nothing, really. We certainly don’t want to bother the cashier, a complete stranger to us, with the fact that our son just underwent surgery, we just lost our pet, or whatever else we’re troubled with.

Lying might be hardwired into us. Babies will cry and then pause to see if someone is coming before going back to crying. Children automatically lie to get out of trouble, and by the time they graduate high school, they may lie to their parents in one out of five interactions. Lying makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. 

Whatever the type of lie or reason behind it, when we lie so frequently, we build up a tolerance for lying itself. This means it can become easier to tell bigger lies when we think they’re called for. And while we may tell white lies to protect others, we might also begin to lie more to protect ourselves. This is where the problem begins. We may justify lying to ourselves as lying to protect a relationship, but actually we’re doing it to save our skin.

So, you might ask, what’s wrong with that?

Let’s take a step back and ask a different question first: What do we gain from our intimate relationships? Research shows that happily married people experience a number of physical and mental health benefits that can lead to longer life. When people believe their partner is their best friend, health benefits may be even greater. Logically, then, what we might want from marriage is a feeling of connection and closeness and a partner we consider to be our best friend.

Lying can impact this intimacy by affecting all parts involved: the one who lies, the one who is lied to, and the relationship as a whole.

How Lying Impacts the Liar

When we are open and honest, we expose our vulnerable selves. Vulnerability means we are willing to let a partner to see our flaws. Having a loving partner who accepts our flaws both can help ease any stress we might experience as a result of having them and help us accept that we are all right after all. When our worst shame is laid bare and our partner accepts it, and accepts us in spite of it, then we can breathe a sigh of relief. We can relax and be ourselves. That is what intimacy is all about.

Lying, however, makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. Meyer found that married people lie to one another, on average, in one out of every 10 interactions. Unmarried people lie to each other approximately one in three times.

There are consequences to this dishonesty. People may not consciously know that someone is being deceptive, but—get this—they tend to like them less.^ So a person who lies somehow unconsciously reveals the fact of their dishonesty and as a result is liked less because they were not honest. What’s more, the deceived person will tend to lie to that person more frequently in response.

And all that from unconscious awareness!

Speaking of metaphorical walls, the worst of the walls we put up are the ones between ourselves and ourselves. Why do you think trained deception experts can spot liars through certain body language giveaways like saying “no” but shaking our head “yes”?

On some basic level, we don’t want to lie. As much as babies put on a show to manipulate adoring adults, they’re also told lying is wrong. So we grow up in a culture where both the powerful advantages of lying and the immorality of it tear at us. We handle the discrepancy through body language, choice of words, and use of (or lack of) pauses that often give us away to those who are trained to spot the inconsistencies.

People who tell lies often may themselves not even be aware they’re giving away their deception. While consciously trying to lie, they may unconsciously reject the lie—but they don’t know it. That’s how much they have cut themselves off from their own thoughts and feelings, their own self-awareness.

How Lying Impacts Those Lied To

For those deceived, the word “betrayal” is often inadequate. Researchers have found that even in cases of compulsive cybersex, spouses stated they felt traumatized by the discovery. At the very least, spouses or partners lost trust and sought out professional help. (Of interest is that in spite of this, adultery is not cited a major cause when people give reasons for divorce.)

People also tend to lie about financial and health issues. I heard of a person who divorced her husband because he did not inform her he could not have children before they were married.

In another case, when a wife asked her husband to take money out of the stock market to pay bills, he would always say that he could not get the money out on the same day when in fact he could. The result of the late delivery of money to this stay-at-home mom was humiliation over bounced checks and late payments. After he died, she discovered the lie, which he had repeated over many years, from his broker, and she felt betrayed and angry, which significantly impacted her memories of her marriage.

Recovering from Dishonesty

The good news: There is recovery from intimate partner lying. Often, with help, the relationship does not end but heals instead. The person who cheated or lied for some other reason must learn why they could not trust their partner to understand their needs and motives in the first place.

You see, while the deceived person loses trust when the truth comes out, the liar had already lost trust in the person they lied to or else they wouldn’t have needed to lie. Why didn’t the person who couldn’t have children share the truth? Perhaps his fiancée would have been willing to adopt. Why couldn’t the husband share his reason for holding onto the stock market money one extra day? If he hoped the numbers would go up, why was he afraid to share that?

While people who lie to their partners have a lot to learn about their fears of being open and vulnerable, those who have been lied to can learn if messages they gave out may have contributed to the problem. In spite of the pain on both sides, when the walls erected in a relationship are brought down safely and carefully, much good can come of this new openness.

References:

1. Drefahl, S. (2012, May 24). Do the married really live longer? The role of cohabitation and socioeconomic status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(3), 462-475.
2. Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169-188.
3. Gino, F., & Bazeman, M. H. (2009). When misconduct goes unnoticed: The acceptability of gradual erosion in others’ unethical behavior. Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, 45(4), 708-719. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310900078X
4. Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898?src=recsys
5. Loenstein, L. F. (2005). Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 42(3-4), 153-171. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v42n03_09?src=recsys
6. Meyer, P. (2011, October 13). How to spot a liar. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6vDLq64gE
7. Meyer, P. (2011). Liespotting: Proven techniques to detect deception. New York: NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
8. Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What every BODY is saying: An ex-FBI agent’s guide to speed-reading people. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
9. Savedge, J. (2016, October 1). Being in a healthy relationship may help you live longer. MNN. Retrieved from https://www.mnn.com/health/healthy-spaces/blogs/why-being-healthy-relationship-may-help-you-live-longer
10. Schneider, J. P., Weiss, R., and Samenow, C. (2012, April 9). Is it really cheating? Understanding the emotional reactions and clinical treatment of spouses and partners affected by cybersex infidelity. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 19(1-2), 123-139. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720162.2012.658344
11. Thurnher, M, Fenn, C. B., Melichar, J., & Chiriboga, D. A. (1983). Sociodemographic perspectives on reasons for divorce. Journal of Divorce, 6(4), 25-35. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J279v06n04_02?src=recsys
12. Tyler, J. M. (2006). The price of deceptive behavior: Disliking and lying to people who lie to us. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(1), 69-77. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310500034X

Demonstrating affection can either bridge or divide your relationship. Generally, people tend to regard affection as a positive experience. However, the intention behind your affection may dictate whether your partner receives it well.

From the time you were born, affection offered you a physical sense of safety. Research confirms that touch is the primary way people communicate intimacy in romantic relationships, and affectionate touch behaviors are universally observed in partnerships. Affectionate touch is an important behavior in close relationships throughout the lifespan, occurring frequently from infancy through older adulthood. This need for touch did not end in infancy. If you avoid touch, this can be due to learned behavior in childhood or to the quality of touch in your adult romantic relationships.

Touch is only affectionate if it is implicitly meant to communicate love, care, and affection to the person receiving it. Warm interpersonal contact like holding hands, hugging, kissing, and lying close together are prototypical examples of affectionate touch. Research demonstrates that affectionate touch is an essential component of many intimate relationships and is a primary contributor to overall relationship satisfaction as well as sexual satisfaction. Yet you might find yourself guarded when your partner reaches for you. Or, on the flip side, you might feel like your partner slips away from you upon your reach.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

When Carissa and Mitch came to see me, Carissa admitted while laughing, “Yes, it’s true. I do cuddle him more when I want something. Or sometimes, I do that when I know I spent too much on the credit card.” As a result, Mitch did not value their affectionate exchanges.

Sylvia and Don struggled with affection as well. Sylvia said she didn’t trust Don’s affection “because he always wants more.” Don said, “I don’t get it. Wouldn’t you want sex to start out affectionate?”

For these couples, affection became confusing. Their work involved differentiating between physical and sexual touch while helping them understand how intention impacts the quality of their affectionate exchanges. Research supports that affectionate touch is a relatively stable characteristic of human romantic relationships that is robustly and reliably related to the degree of reported love between partners.

Below are four areas on what I call the “affection spectrum” that can produce unhealthy relationship exchanges:

Affection as a Sexual Agenda

If you fit into this area of the spectrum, you use affection to advance toward sexual exchanges. Research on desire discrepancy shows that when affection consistently leads to sexual expectations, it can strain relationships, particularly when one partner experiences lower sexual desire than the other. When affection always leads to sex, affection can feel unsafe. If you experience lower sexual desire than your partner, you may not only engage less in sex but eventually turn away from all touch, including affection. This typically happens because you feel pressured to perform sexually with every kiss, hug, or cuddle.

Affection as a Tool

This describes offering affection only when you want something else. Research on emotional manipulation shows that affection becomes a form of manipulation when it follows periods of neglect or is used to maintain control, keeping victims confused and desperate to fix things. Affection becomes a form of manipulation, used for personal gain. You might offer affection or rein it back in with the flip of a switch. Studies indicate that manipulators use approval and statements marking affection in order to change their partner’s behavior or mental state in their own interests. Affection can feel confusing and disconnected for the receiver because they pick up on your lack of genuine care.

Affection as a Weapon

Here, you withdraw affection as a means of punishment. Research identifies withholding affection or communication as one of the clearest signs of passive aggression, especially after disagreements. You may struggle to verbalize your discontent on an issue. Instead, you may retreat for hours, days, weeks, or even months. Studies show that passive aggression can harm individuals by withdrawing social support for others and ignoring psychological demands and needs, potentially causing depression, stress-related disorders, and self-harm. This passive-aggressive behavior may create a sense of loneliness, isolation, and abandonment for your partner.

Affection as a Plateau

As a couple, you become trapped in your affection. You seem unable to move beyond affection into sexual exchanges. You hide in your affection because affection feels safe and secure. Research on couples with sexual difficulties shows that intimacy factors like self-disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness can help couples adapt to sexual challenges and may serve as compensatory mechanisms when sexual function is hindered. As a result, you jeopardize your intimacy because you minimize risk-taking and vulnerability, key ingredients to higher levels of intimacy and erotic energy.

If you want to use your affectionate exchanges as a bridge to one another, have honest conversations about its role.

In counseling sessions, I worked with both couples on moving away from dysfunctional affection to using affection as a bridge to connection. Research on couples therapy demonstrates that interventions can increase dyadic cohesion, affection, satisfaction, and consensus while improving overall relationship adjustment. This involved strengthening their emotional and sexual intimacy so their physical, non-sexual touch (affection) grew out of healthy intent.

Here’s what healthy affection looks like:

Affection as a Bridge

You give and receive affection generously with each other. You trust your affectionate exchanges. You feel how it strengthens your relationship. Research on interpersonal trust shows that children who grow up in responsive, emotionally warm family environments internalize a sense of safety with other people, laying the groundwork for how much people are willing to trust others in general. Because of this trust, affection can lead to sex or not. Here, you focus more on affection as a loving exchange rather than as a means to an outcome. Studies demonstrate that receiving affectionate touch can bolster relationship satisfaction and positive self-perceptions, particularly among women. Overall, affection helps you feel cared for, safe, and loved.

Nurturing your affectionate touch strengthens the bond between you. Research confirms that affectionate touch may be an untested mechanism at the heart of the interpersonal process of intimacy, with perceived partner responsiveness forecasting behavioral intimacy through affectionate touch. Affection demonstrates warmth and tenderness. Affection generally affirms that you like and love your partner.

Consider the role affection plays in your relationship. If you want to use your affectionate exchanges as a bridge to one another, have honest conversations about its role. Recent longitudinal research reveals a bidirectional relationship between relational intimacy and sexual satisfaction, with interventions targeting sexual well-being improving emotional closeness and communication within couples. Focus on your intentions when you reach out for each other. Notice where you are on the spectrum.

Remember, affection is not only a bridge to each other but also a means of connection between your emotional and sexual expressions. Aim to cultivate health in all of these areas for optimal relationship satisfaction. For nonjudgmental guidance, contact a licensed couples counselor.

Note: To protect confidentiality, names and other identifying characteristics in the preceding account were changed.

References:

1. Sorokowska, A., Saluja, S., Sorokowski, P., Frąckowiak, T., Karwowski, M., Aavik, T., … & Pierce, J. D. (2023). Love and affectionate touch toward romantic partners all over the world. Scientific Reports, 13(1), 5497. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-31502-1
2. Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2022). Perceived partner responsiveness forecasts behavioral intimacy as measured by affectionate touch. Emotion, 22(1), 55-70. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000809
3. Campbell, J. T., Bennett-Brown, M., Kaufman, E. M., Gesselman, A. N., Frederick, D. A., Garcia, J. R., & Mark, K. P. (2024). Women who experience more affectionate touch report better body satisfaction and relationship outcomes. Journal of Sex Research, 62(5), 776-786. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2310705
4. Howard, S. (2019). Intermittent reinforcement in relationships: The cycle of manipulation. In Educational Intervention for Emotional Manipulation (pp. 45-67). CUNY Academic Works.
5. Lancer, D. (2018). Sudden moments of affection after abuse: Understanding trauma bonding. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(3), 234-245.
6. Marriage.com. (2025). What is passive aggressive in relationships: Types & impact. Retrieved from https://www.marriage.com/advice/love/passive-aggression-relationships/
7. Song, H., Thompson, R. A., & Ferrer, E. (2022). Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: The passive aggression scale. Behavioral Sciences, 12(8), 286. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12080286
8. Rysková, M., Novák, J., & Kratochvíl, M. (2024). Manipulation strategies in interpersonal relationships and their psychological impact. South Eastern European Journal of Public Health, 16(2), 1-15.
9. Kachooei, M., Bagheri, F., & Ahmadi, S. A. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 276. https://doi.org/10.4103/jehp.jehp_201_23
10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11(Special Issue), 117-135.
11. Beaulieu, N., Bergeron, S., Brassard, A., Byers, E. S., & Péloquin, K. (2023). Toward an integrative model of intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction: A prospective study in long-term couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52(4), 1567-1582.
12. Léonard, D. P., Rosen, N. O., Bigras, N., Massé-Pfister, M., & Bergeron, S. (2025). Intimacy and sexual well-being in couples coping with sexual interest/arousal disorder: The importance of perceived partner responsiveness. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 22(7), 1093-1105.

My last article, Why We Stay in Relationships That Hurt, examined why some people get stuck (or choose to stay) in painful relationships. Since the topic resonated with many readers, I am doing a follow-up.

Once you acknowledge you’re in a relationship that chronically hurts, what’s next? “Knowing” is great, but figuring out what to do and what choices you have is a different discussion.

You may have addressed it head-on, tiptoed around “doing something,” or avoided the difficult choice to approach your partner about your feelings. Ask yourself: Have you been assertive, spoken up to your partner, asked them to change their hurtful behavior? If you haven’t: What holds you back? What are the roadblocks? Some people suppress their resentment. Some fear creating more conflict. Others worry they’ll run up against a stone wall.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

If you have spoken up: Are your thoughts and feelings heard or denied? Do your conversations leave you feeling validated or unheard and alone? Have you proposed getting help or going to couples counseling? Are your efforts to improve the relationship rebuffed? Ask yourself if you are the only one suffering. Maybe your partner is content with the state of the relationship.

Here’s the bottom line: You can change only your thoughts, your words, your actions. If your partner agrees to work on it and/or seek counseling, there is hope to move toward creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If not, reflect on the obstacles that keep you stuck.

Be curious. Start asking yourself the difficult questions. Embrace the fear. Explore your thoughts and feelings. The goal is to gain more insight about your resistance to face what’s happening. Here are seven questions that may help you dive deeper and explore the emotions behind staying in a hurtful relationship:

1. What am I afraid will happen if I leave?

Many of us fear the unknown. The known, even if it’s bad, is at least familiar. It’s said, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”

2. What am I afraid will happen if I stay?

This is a question we may avoid. Even when there is consistent evidence your partner will not engage in relationship work, some of us cling to false hope and remain in denial. Ask yourself honestly: Do you see any concrete evidence your partner has the desire to change the relationship? If not, what will happen if you stay?

Therapists are there to provide a safe space for you. We can support you in figuring out how to approach your partner and help you explore your options.

3. What is my deal-breaker and why?

We all have a bottom line. For instance, “I would definitely leave if (he hit me/he was verbally abusive/he wouldn’t stop seeing the other woman).” What is the most hurt you are willing to accept?

4. What would my life look like if I left?

This is the scariest question yet. It’s overwhelming to think about leaving, so we push it away. We don’t even consider it. The amount of change you face when you leave a marriage or long-term relationship, especially with kids, is vast. Many people get stuck on the very thought of leaving and stop in their tracks. Remember, thinking about it and creating a vision of what life would be like doesn’t mean you must carry out the plan. Allow yourself to imagine what it could look like in a year, five years, 20 years.

5. Who would support me?

We all need a support network in times of crisis. Who would be there for you emotionally, physically, financially? You may at first think no one, yet when people experience major change, supportive friends and family tend to come around. Especially ones who have been through something similar. And there’s always a therapist you could reach out to.

6. Do I feel deserving of a healthier relationship?

Here’s where you go back to asking yourself: Why have you stayed in this hurtful relationship? What is it in your past that you are playing out or repeating? Whose voice is telling you, “You must stay” or “This is all you deserve” or “You won’t be able to survive”? Talk back to that voice and develop the part of yourself that believes you deserve more.

7. What if I’m alone?

Many people have a fear of being alone. Connecting with others is part of being human. We are social creatures. If you leave, you will likely spend more time alone. Ask yourself: And then what? If you had more time alone, what would you do with that time? If you had to pick a hobby or an interest, what would it be? What haven’t you been able to pursue because you’ve spent so much time and energy in a hurtful relationship? Many communities offer support groups and meet-up groups for newly separated people.

When you allow fear to hold you back, you create isolation, emptiness, and loneliness—the very feelings you are trying to avoid by confronting your partner or leaving. It’s only when you face fear that new doors can open.

It’s difficult to explore these questions alone. If you are stuck in a painful relationship, reach out for help. Therapists are there to provide a safe space for you. We can support you in figuring out how to approach your partner and help you explore your options. You are not alone.

“Courage is not doing something without fear; courage is being afraid but doing it anyway.” —Harriet J. Wilder

“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass. If you stay, you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.” —Autumn Kohler