If you are involved in a relationship with a person who has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you’re likely familiar with this scenario: You have a discussion with your partner. It turns oddly off course. You’re left confused. And then—slam!—you’re hit with something hurtful that takes the wind out of your sails.

This is different from other conversations that go off the rails. In this case, you have to struggle with the realization that your partner did not mean to hurt you. There was no intent to abuse, but you are reeling just the same.

So what do you do with the pain?

Do you deny it because you understand it was not inflicted intentionally? Or do you ignore it, hoping it will go away?

These are two time-honored methods used by many of the individuals who come to my office for counseling regarding this aspect of their relationships. The problem is that they backfire; by using them, you generally end up feeling more hurt. Then the ground is fertile for resentment and contempt, and—as relationship researcher John Gottman has repeatedly pointed out—once these emotions enter a relationship through what he calls the “Four Horsemen” patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), it is very difficult to retrieve mutual respect and rebuild.

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Besides, you already know these methods don’t work.

How do I know that you know? Because you likely don’t feel any relief.

Recent research has enhanced our understanding of communication between autistic and neurotypical partners. Studies supporting the “double empathy” framework show that communication challenges often arise from differences in social communication styles between autistic and neurotypical individuals, rather than deficits in either person. while autistic individuals face challenges in relationships including communication barriers, they also possess strengths such as pattern recognition and truthful communication.

If you are seeing a counselor, be certain that he or she understands the unique dynamics of being in a relationship in which one partner is on the autism spectrum. From an educational perspective, there are enormous implications that might make the difference between being helpful to a neurotypical partner in an autistic-neurotypical partnership and being not so helpful.

What may look like self-centeredness or even narcissism in your story is more likely to be your legitimate expression of not feeling heard by your autistic partner. , your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

While it may not be the result of conscious disregard, your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

] Contemporary research shows that autistic individuals report high levels of interest in pursuing and maintaining romantic relationships, and autistic people are involved in satisfying long-term relationships when understanding and accommodation are present.

If your partner is in counseling, or if you are in couples counseling together, it is equally important that your therapist have a specialized understanding of this unique relationship. Autism exists on a spectrum with great clinical heterogeneity, ranging from individuals who require significant support to those who can function independently with typical or above-average intellectual abilities. However, understanding the impact of the neurological differences and the arc of possibility upon which they can play out in an intimate relationship is essential for fair couples work, and certainly for providing substantive assistance to the person with the diagnosis.

A neurodiversity-affirming approach views autism as neurological differences to be understood and accommodated rather than deficits to be fixed. Recent developments in autism support emphasize helping neurotypical people learn autistic communication preferences rather than requiring autistic individuals to mask their natural communication styles.

If you suspect that your partner is on the spectrum but has no diagnosis, please bear in mind that a professional assessment is essential; there is no online quiz or self-help book that will help you to make that diagnosis on your own.

Still, you know your situation best. If your partner is hurting you emotionally and you can’t seem to get him or her to understand you when you talk about your pain, as a starting point, consider couples work with a counselor who understands autism spectrum disorder. The couples work will be helpful regardless of whether autism is a factor, and as is frequently the case with couples with whom I work, an assessment becomes part of our work together. Everyone wins. The person either has or does not have the diagnosis. It is a triaging tool in that it allows a couple to move forward knowing what they are dealing with in their interpersonal communication.

Research suggests that when both partners develop understanding of differing communication styles and consciously use strategies to bridge communication gaps, deeper connection and relationship satisfaction can result.

Please don’t try to swallow your pain. At the very least, recognize that if you feel hurt, it is because you ARE in pain, regardless of intent or circumstances. Your pain is real—and it deserves your attention.

Be kind to yourself.

*If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for free and confidential emotional support.*

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References:

1. Neu, B., et al. (2025). Autism in romantic relationships: A content analysis of challenges and strengths (2013–2024). Journal of Family Theory & Review. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.70001
2. Bottema-Beutel, K., et al. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder in 2023: A challenge still open. PMC. PMC10724724
3. Stokes, M. A., et al. (2023). Factors of relationship satisfaction for autistic and non-autistic partners in long-term relationships. Autism, 27(8), 2348-2360. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231160244
4. Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. DOI: 10.1089/aut.2024.0124
5. Jones, D. R., Botha, M., Ackerman, R. A., King, K., & Sasson, N. J. (2024). Non-autistic observers both detect and demonstrate the double empathy problem when evaluating interactions between autistic and non-autistic adults. Autism, 28(8), 2053-2065. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231219743
6. Crompton, C. J., et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704-1712. DOI: 10.1177/1362361320919286
7. Haroon, R., & Dogar, F. (2025). NeuroBridge: AI tool to help neurotypical people learn how to better communicate with autistic people. Tufts Now. Retrieved from https://now.tufts.edu/2025/12/05/helping-neurotypicals-understand-autistic-communication
8. Wise, S. J. (2024). We’re all neurodiverse: How to build a neurodiversity-affirming future and challenge neuronormativity. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
9. Gottman, J. (2024). The four horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
10. Lerner, M. D., Gurba, A. N., & Gassner, D. L. (2023). A framework for neurodiversity-affirming interventions for autistic individuals. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 91(8), 503-515. DOI: 10.1037/ccp0000839

Why Feeling Unheard Hurts So Deeply

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be frustrating, isolating, and exhausting. You might try to talk about your needs, only to be met with defensiveness, distraction, or silence. This is one of the most common challenges couples face—and it’s one you can change.

I once received a call from a woman who wanted to start couples therapy with her husband of 10 years. When they tried to talk, the conversation often became heated, ending in arguments. She hoped therapy could help them improve their communication skills.

In my practice, about eight out of ten couples seek therapy for communication concerns. Most relationship experts — and countless self-help books — emphasize that the key to a better relationship is good communication. But here’s the truth: communication isn’t just about talking. It’s equally about listening.

Why Good Communication Requires Good Listening

Healthy communication builds trust and intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and are more likely to have our needs met.

But without the capacity to truly listen, even the most heartfelt words can be lost. Talking without listening is like sending a letter with no address — it never reaches the person it was meant for.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be heard. This begins in infancy, when caregivers respond to our cries. The important part isn’t just what they say or do in response — it’s that we feel heard, period.

When partners dismiss, deflect, or respond defensively, they can leave the other feeling rejected or even abandoned. Over time, this erodes trust and connection. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can listen.

Signs You’re Not Being Heard by Your Partner

When you communicate with your partner, notice if any of these signs appear:

• They flip the topic so you become the problem.

• They tell you you’re being “ridiculous” or “overreacting.”

• Their focus is on proving why they feel the same way.

• They walk out or leave the room.

• It seems like they’ve heard you, but the same issue keeps coming back.

If you recognize these patterns, it’s worth exploring why they happen. Often, listening problems stem from deeper emotional or relational dynamics.

Why Some People Struggle to Listen

Poor listening skills can come from deeper issues — not just unwillingness to hear. Common reasons include:

• Emotional overwhelm – Some people feel swamped by their own emotions or by the emotions of others.

• Poor timing – Trying to talk when your partner is distracted, tired, or stressed can block listening.

• Unresolved resentment – Lingering hurt feelings can create mental barriers to hearing your partner.

• Mental health challenges – Conditions such as anxiety, stress, or attention-deficit issues can make listening more difficult.

Understanding why your partner struggles to listen — and practicing compassion — can help you address the problem more effectively.

How to Improve Listening Skills in Your Relationship

On a practical level, Imago therapy offers a helpful technique for couples called “mirroring.” This involves one partner speaking while the other repeats back exactly what they heard, without judgment or defensiveness.

Here’s how to try it in a calm, safe moment:

1. Ask first – “Is now a good time to talk?” If not, set a time that works for both of you.

2. Speak concisely – Stay on topic and share the most important points.

3. Pause and reflect – Ask your partner to repeat back what they heard.

4. Switch roles – Once you feel heard, let your partner share while you listen.

If your partner becomes defensive or is unable to do this, it may be time to find a therapist who can guide you through the process.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you’ve tried multiple strategies but still feel unheard, professional help can make a big difference. A couple’s therapist can:

• Identify underlying patterns blocking communication

• Teach tools for better listening and empathy

• Provide a safe space for honest dialogue

Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist

• How do you help couples improve their listening skills?

• What therapeutic approaches do you use for communication issues?

• How will we know we’re making progress?

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. Our directory includes professionals specializing in communication and relationship concerns — helping couples feel heard, valued, and connected.

Remember: Listening is a skill that can be strengthened with awareness, patience, and support. You and your partner can learn to hear and be heard — and doing so can transform the quality of your connection. Communication challenges are common, but you don’t have to face them alone. A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner develop listening habits that build trust, empathy, and connection.

Find a qualified therapist near you and take the next step toward better communication today.

It happened. You knew it would, but you didn’t think it would happen so quickly. In spite of any hope you had of slowing down the clock, you woke up one day to find that your child is not so childlike anymore. Suddenly, hormones are raging, romantic feelings are developing, and, of course, it doesn’t stop there. Before you know it, your teen may be entering the dating world.

For many, raising a teenager is the most intimidating chapter of parenthood. Discipline becomes increasingly difficult and may feel impossible to maintain. It’s tough to know when to set rules and when to give freedom, when to bend and when to stand firm, when to intervene and when to let live.

Communication is often one of the trickiest minefields to navigate. It’s a struggle to know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. These conversations and decisions only become more challenging when the time comes for your teen to start dating. As we near the end of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we want to remind parents how important it is to do their part to help prevent teen dating violence and promote healthy relationships.

If you are a parent to a blossoming teen, consider discussing these crucial aspects of relationships with your child before he or she enters into a relationship:

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1. Define a Healthy Relationship

Be sure to teach your teen about the foundations of a healthy relationship. Explain that a healthy relationship comes from respect, mutual understanding, trust, honesty, communication, and support.

A relationship should consist of healthy boundaries that are established and respected by both partners equally. A good partner will accept you as you are, support your personal choices, and praise you for your achievements. A healthy relationship also allows both partners to maintain outside interests and friendships, and does not hinder the personal freedom of either partner.

2. Describe the Different Types of Abuse and Associated Warning Signs

There are many different types of abuse your teen should be aware of before entering into a relationship. These include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and digital abuse, as well as stalking.

• Physical abuse occurs when a person uses physical force to harm another, but need not result in visible injuries to qualify. Hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, choking, and using weapons are all forms of physical abuse.
• Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, humiliation, degradation, manipulation, and intimidation. Emotional abuse can involve forced isolation, coercion, or use of fear or guilt to control or belittle.
• Sexual abuse involves any act that directly or indirectly impacts a person’s ability to control their own sexual activity and the conditions surrounding it. It can take many forms, including forced sexual activity, using other means of abuse to pressure one into an activity, and restricting access to condoms or birth control.
• Financial abuse is a form of emotional abuse that uses money or material items as a means of power and control over another person.
• Digital abuse is any form of emotional abuse using technology. A person may use social media, texting, or other technological means to intimidate, manipulate, harass, or bully someone.
• Stalking is persistent harassment, monitoring, following, or watching of another person. These behaviors can be difficult for teens to recognize as abuse, as they may sometimes see it as flattering or believe the other person is engaging in such behaviors only out of love.

If you’re feeling unsure about how to teach your teen to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, or if you would like additional resources on the warning signs of relationship abuse or promoting positive relationships, consider visiting loveisrespect.org.

Loveisrespect is a nonprofit organization that works to educate young people about healthy relationships and create a culture free of abuse. Its website offers a wealth of information for teens and parents and provides 24/7 support via phone, text, or chat.

3. Explain the Differences between Lust, Infatuation, and Love

Distinguishing between infatuation and love can be difficult for many adults; imagine how complicated it can be for a teenager who is experiencing many new feelings for the first time. Take a moment to explain to your teen that attraction and desire are physiological responses that can occur separately from emotions.

Make sure he or she understands that infatuation is not the same as love. Infatuation may give us butterflies, goose bumps, and that “can’t eat, can’t sleep” type of feeling, but it isn’t the same as love. Love takes time to grow, whereas infatuation may happen almost instantly.

4. Talk Realistically about Sex

While it may be tempting to skip this conversation, it’s in everyone’s best interests to talk to your teen about sex. Ask yourself whether you want your teen to hear this information from you or someone else.

On its website, the Mayo Clinic suggests turning the topic into a discussion rather than a presentation. Be sure to get your teen’s point of view and let your teen hear all sides from you. Discuss the pros and cons of sex honestly. Talk about questions of ethics, values, and responsibilities associated with personal or religious beliefs.

5. Set Expectations and Boundaries

It is important to set expectations and boundaries you have now regarding your teen dating rather than defining them through confrontation later. Let your teen know any rules you may have, such as curfews, restrictions on who or how they date, who will pay for dates, and any other stipulations you might have. Give your teen an opportunity to contribute to the discussion, which can help foster trust.

6. Offer Your Support

Be sure to let your teen know you support him or her in the dating process. Tell your teen you can drop off or pick up him or her, lend a compassionate and supportive ear when necessary, or help acquire birth control if that fits with your parenting and personal philosophies. However you intend to support your teen, make sure he or she knows that you are available.

7. Use Gender-Inclusive Language that Remains Neutral to Sexual Orientation

When you open the discussion with your teen about relationships and sexuality, consider using gender-inclusive language that remains neutral to sexual orientation. For example, you might say something like, “Are you interested in finding a boyfriend or girlfriend?” rather than automatically assuming your teen has a preference for the opposite sex. Deliver this language with genuine openness and love.

By opening up the possibility of being attracted to both genders right away, you will not only make it easier for your teen to be open with you about his or her sexual orientation, but you’ll likely make your teen feel more comfortable with his or her identity, regardless of who your teen chooses to date.

8. Be Respectful

Most importantly, be respectful when talking to your teen about dating and relationships. If you communicate with your teen in a gentle, nonobtrusive manner that respects his or her individuality, opinions, and beliefs, then your teen will be much more likely to do the same for you. This helps to create a healthy and open line of communication between you and your child and ultimately could improve your teen’s self-esteem.

9. Know When to Ask for Outside Help

There is help available if you’re struggling to talk to your teen about dating and sexuality. In addition to our advice, there are numerous resources available online to help you start a constructive conversation. Additionally, if your teen is experiencing relationship problems and/or your talks about relationships aren’t going well, consider finding a family therapist who can help mediate the conversations and promote emotional intelligence and healthy behaviors. Teaching your kids what it means to be in a healthy relationship is simply too important of a message to leave to chance and may even save his or her life someday.

References:

1. Sex education: Talking to your teen about sex. (2017, August 2). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034
2. Types of abuse. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

Being unable to speak up at work can have long-lasting negative consequences. It can lead to stress, burnout, or render you almost invisible in a setting where promotions and raises depend on visibility.

When you’re assertive, you ask for what you need, you talk openly about what you want, and you recognize when someone is taking advantage of you. You can approach the things you do with confidence and make a direct impact on your environment. But this does not come easily for everyone.

There are two important components to becoming more assertive: (1) learning to treat yourself with respect, and (2) building communication skills.

1. Recognize Your Value

The first step toward becoming more assertive is nurturing a realistic and respectful perspective on your value as a person. Many people struggle with attribution problems—attributing their failures to internal flaws (“I’m just no good at this, no matter how hard I try”) and their successes to luck (“That went well because it was easier than everyone thought it would be”), contributing to gnawing self-doubt and potentially a sense of worthlessness.

Take a step back and think about what you contribute to your workplace. For now, try to quiet any internal criticism that wants to scrutinize your flaws, mistakes, and failures; those thoughts can evoke shame and cloud your ability to see your positive attributes. Take a balanced inventory of who you’ve been at work, noting both good things that you’ve done and anything you might want to improve.

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2. Know Your Rights

Educate yourself on the things you’re entitled to in your workplace. The big wall of posted notices in your lunchroom, your employee policy manual, your job description—you might not know what’s in all of that available material, despite it having important information.

Learning to be assertive in your workplace includes learning the legal and ethical boundaries of what you can expect from your work environment. For example, if you find that you’re frustrated by being expected to work through lunch four times a week, this material can tell you if that expectation violates laws in your state, which can support your desire to stand up for what you need. If you are being harassed or subjected to mistreatment, there may be protections in place to help you. Knowledge can help empower you to seek what you need.

3. Know Your Boundaries

Learning and respecting your personal boundaries is an important step toward regulating stress and frustration. Taking on extra projects despite missing important family events, or continuing to answer work emails from your bed despite the interference with a proper night’s rest—burnout is made of these ingredients. Think about what you can realistically expect of yourself and respect your limitations. We are all bound by our humanness and by time; there is no getting around those things, even if deadlines are looming.

Everyone benefits from your direct communication. Being exhausted or resentful is not only miserable, it keeps you from performing at your best.

4. Prepare and Practice

First, prepare for being assertive at work in the safety of your journal, your therapy, or your close relationships. Imagine what it might be like to communicate something difficult to your coworker or your boss. Ask yourself the following questions: What is my goal? What do I want to say? How would I like to say it?

Act it out in your mind, playing out both the ideal scenario and the scenario that scares you the most. Try talking it through with a loved one who would be open to role playing. Say aloud what you would like to communicate at work. If you don’t, when the moment comes, your nerves might get you tongue-tied and it can feel easier to give up. Consider the things that are often difficult for you to say (for example, “No, I can’t,” or, “That makes me uncomfortable”) and rehearse them for future use.

5. Learn the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive

Many people quiet their voices because they have come to believe that speaking up is synonymous to being bossy, pushy, or disrespectful of other people. Being assertive does not have to be any of those things; it only means to value your own thoughts, feelings, and voice as well as those of others.

You can continue to be a kind, likable person while communicating directly. Assertive communication doesn’t look to bulldoze over other people (that would be aggressive communication). Its goal is to create the best outcome for you in cooperation with the others in your workplace. “I disagree with that” is assertive and honest, and it opens up further conversation to move toward resolution. “What kind of stupid idea is that?” is aggressive and minimizing, and it shuts down conversation.

6. Keep Growing

The more you learn and grow, the more connected you can feel to your skills and your knowledge. Confidence is rooted in knowing yourself, your value, and the things you can offer to the world around you. Continue to cultivate your career, and acknowledge how your efforts and strengths bring benefits to your work environment.

Have patience with yourself as you make these changes. You may stumble through difficult conversations or lose nerve at the last moment. That’s OK—many new things are hard at first, and building a direct communication style is a process.

If you find that being assertive is particularly difficult, you can also address the issue through assertiveness training programs, group psychotherapy, or individual psychotherapy.

“What is wrong with you? This is not how I raised you! I raised you to use your brain!”

So went a mom’s reaction when her daughter came to her for help after hurting herself in an effort to feel relief from grief symptoms she was experiencing. As might be the urge of a scared parent in the situation, the mother reacted in anger, screaming and personalizing her daughter’s actions. In this situation, of course the pressing concern is the daughter’s health and safety, and a positive was that the teen had reached out to her mother—though the child later said, “I’ll remember not to do that next time.”

The mother explained that this was her “personality”; she did not “hold anything back,” allowing people to know “exactly how she feels, even if it’s harsh—that’s how I got where I am.” This action did not prove helpful, as the vulnerable child was not in a position to hear a harsh critique and it apparently made the child hesitate about telling her mother the next time she felt unsafe. In this situation, the mother mistook her own common reactionary style (explosive anger) as an unchangeable part of her personality. The truth is, we are able to change the way we respond to others and to ourselves. It isn’t as “fixed” as it can feel.

Feeling doomed to one style of interaction isn’t uncommon. From the child who thinks talking back to her parents is “who she is,” to the significant other who believes it’s OK to berate her boyfriend because “I’m just whiny, that’s how I’ve always been,” to the man who believes “I fall in love fast, I can’t help if it’s with the wrong person,” or, “I just don’t talk about how I feel, I never have,” individuals often treat their patterns as unwavering personality types.

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Why We Believe This

There are a few reasons we may feel afflicted with rather than responsible for our response and communication styles. First, it takes practice to respond differently in the moment than we have before. We typically speak to people without thinking twice, as if filtering our words is someone else’s responsibility and not our own. Second, it can be scary to explore a new way of handling a situation. We can feel particularly vulnerable if we perceive that the change compromises our value system. This is especially true when our reactions have been reinforced in some way.

The mother in the example above perceives herself as successful because of her anger, making anger seem beneficial to hold on to. It’s easy to minimize the negative effects of her anger by focusing on the positives. If the mother values “being authentic,” this might feel like an authentic reaction to her.

Cognitive dissonance is the third idea that allows us hold on to our behavior patterns. Cognitive dissonance is essentially the brain’s way of eliminating discomfort by keeping its ideas consistent. If the mom in our example had failed to change her anger responses in a romantic relationship 10 years ago, she might be motivated to maintain consistency with her anger, as changing now would require her to understand that she could have made a change 10 years ago. Cognitive dissonance allows her to say, “If I couldn’t change it then, I cannot change it now, and I shouldn’t be asked to do so.”

Continuing with the belief that we can’t control our own responses allows us to shift blame outward and focus on the traits of other people—“You should know what I meant,” or, “You should receive my message in whatever tone or verbiage I want to use to send it,” or, “You should know better than to ask how I feel.” The fallacy here is that the only changes each of us is allowed to make are the ones within ourselves; our own reactions, our own coping skills, our own communications. Demanding another person to be less sensitive or expect less of you will stifle rather than grow a relationship.

How Do We Move Forward?

1. Incorporate awareness, validation, and accountability into each exchange. Notice when you are responding out of habit and not out of a desire to find the most helpful approach. Look for patterns, and consider what fears are allowing the patterns to continue. Think about how different responses might be helpful in different situations. Explore what makes you think certain reactions have been helpful, and what your values are in given situations. This will allow you to be true to yourself while making improvements.
2. Practice validation (the recognition of another person’s experience). It requires the listener in a conversation to realize that it isn’t necessary to agree with the statement, just to understand where the speaker is coming from. To use the example of the mother and daughter, the mother may have expressed validation by responding in an understanding, concerned, and neutral manner to her daughter’s admittance of dangerous behavior. Certainly, this calm response may have taken much more energy in that moment than mother’s typically explosive response type, but it may have resulted in more open communication between mother and child. Additionally, it would role-model for the child how to respond to a situation with the most helpful response rather than the first response.
3. Ask yourself, what am I willing to change? How will I do it? Then practice your responses. Ask for time in a discussion or conflict while you gather your thoughts. Life isn’t like Gilmore Girls, where every communication must be stated immediately and as quickly as possible. You can agree to revisit the topic at a specific time after you’ve been able to find the nugget of truth in the other person’s position. Make sure to explain that you’re taking space to think about the topic so that the person you’re communicating with does not fear the topic has been abandoned. In the ongoing challenge of acting and reacting, it is possible to make small changes that start with simply recognizing the things that can be changed and the benefits that can result.

For people who define themselves as socially awkward, the perceived risk of being seen in endlessly negative ways—inadequate, ugly, boring, stupid, anxious, depressed, empty, arrogant, fat, pathetic, etc.—is always present. When I think about people in therapy who see themselves as socially awkward, I find little correlation between how I experience each individual as a social person and how they think of themselves. Every one of them seems to have characteristics that I enjoy and admire, and they are often (but not always) in occupations of respectable social status. However, for the “socially awkward” person who supposedly “knows” how little they have to offer to the world, the facts of their occupational status or character are irrelevant.

What I have come to recognize about many people in therapy who feel severely socially awkward is that they share the belief that when they were growing up they missed out on learning the rules of social discourse. As a consequence, they are intensely anxious about how they will be responded to if they are socially off the mark. For example, Robert, an attorney, worries about phone calls and what to do after you say hello. Paula, an information technology manager, panics about being in a social situation and not knowing how to approach someone. Tanya, a college graduate, unemployed for the past year, keeps asking “what are the rules, how long do you talk with someone at a party and how do you get yourself out of a conversation?” Everyone worries about silence and eye contact.

While many of us might experience similar social concerns, a “socially awkward” person believes that their anxiety and inability to navigate these situations will be blatantly evident, and they expect to be responded to with rejection and disgust. Even when there are no evident responses that confirm their fears, such people continue to experience bad feelings about how they behaved and consequently justify their continued self-attacks and self-hate.

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Parental Expectations

A major source of the feelings of social inadequacy and the consequent self-hate that people often express is related to parental expectations. Both Tanya and Robert had parents with very high expectations. Robert talked about his parents pushing him to work harder at all the extracurricular activities they insisted he engage in: “They thought I was a virtuoso and kept pushing me to do more with the violin. My mother kept telling me what a wonderful writer I was and that I should try and get published. But she also insisted on critiquing any creative writing I tried.”

Tanya described how her parents pushed her to succeed in high school so she could get into an Ivy League school: “They would compare me to their best friends’ son and list all his achievements. On the surface, they seemed to be saying they thought I had what it took to be superior. But I never felt I could really be good enough, no matter how well I did. I upset them when I didn’t apply to Harvard, but I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing them by not getting in.”

Paula also was negatively affected by her parents’ expectations. They wanted her to “be good.” The worst thing she could do was make anyone outside the family think any negative thoughts about her. This would shame and humiliate her parents and result in physical or verbal abuse. The most Paula could hope for from her parents was to avoid anger and criticism. She recalled: “My mother would scream and berate me if I didn’t smile the right way at a neighbor. I remember, when I was about 9, she dragged me from the Thanksgiving table at my aunt’s house because I didn’t say ‘please’ when I asked for the turkey. I was a very scared kid and never knew when I was going to get hit or criticized. I never knew what the right thing to do was. I still don’t know.”

The Importance of the Audience

Robert and Tanya needed to be high achievers so the parents could feel pleasure and ego satisfaction about their parenting. By pushing achievement on their children, the message, consciously and unconsciously, was that you must do more, be better, and shine or you will hurt and disappoint me. For all three people in therapy, the ultimate authority on how they were doing as children was the social audience their parents looked to and empowered. Most importantly, the incredible power of the “audience out there” cast the final judgment on how the parents were doing.

Without audience approval, the parents felt inadequate and humiliated and put the responsibility for these bad feelings onto their child. The parents held the child responsible for their own feelings of inadequacy, which were then attributed (projected) to the child who was designated as inadequate. The child not only felt the shame of insufficiency, but experienced the badness of having socially hurt, disappointed, and shamed the parents. It is no surprise, then, that for the humiliated, “inadequate” child, the social world would feel like a constant source of scrutiny with the mission of detecting and identifying the guilty party.

Developing Feelings of Social Adequacy

These three individuals have great certainty and strong emotional attachments to their belief that they are socially inadequate people. While they typically begin therapy with some hope that they can do something to improve their experiences, feelings of hopelessness often outweigh the hope. The journey to feeling more socially able begins with people becoming aware of the ways in which their social awkwardness has been shaped and confirmed by their early and continuing life experiences. While this provides a rational understanding of how their feelings of social inadequacy developed, it does not alter the strong emotions that arise when they find themselves in social situations.

I often hear about their intense anxiety in social situations and how they become panicked. With intense agitation, they scan faces of others to detect the expected negative reactions. If I wonder how it would be if I helped them to strategize for a social situation, the response is usually negative: “It won’t work; I’m too anxious; it’s useless.” I believe this is an expression not only of hopelessness but of the self-hate that the person feels. If I can help the person reflect about this and put his self-hate into words, it can help break through the paralysis and allow the person to agree to try and practice some new behaviors before a social situation.

Even when a person may bravely go to the party and try out a strategy, it is unusual for the person to feel that he or she has had success. As Robert told me: “It was horrible. I saw a woman standing alone near the bar and I went over to her and introduced myself and asked her name and how she came to be at the party (like we planned). I couldn’t make eye contact very well, but I tried. She did answer my questions, but then this other girl came over and started talking to the first girl and I panicked. I couldn’t say anything and left.”

The example above illustrates how, even with a strategy, it is difficult to succeed with the plan. What is even more difficult is to change the negative feelings about one’s self that influence our social behaviors. With considerable work, repeated experiences of small successes can lead to incremental but steady changes in behavior and self-perceptions.

I am going to list some steps that represent what happens in the therapy process that can help in altering self-defeating behaviors and feelings of self-hate and social inadequacy. To undertake these steps, with or without the help of a therapist, requires commitment to tolerate frustration and painful unwanted, and intolerable feelings. There must be a willingness to fail and try again repeatedly.

Steps to Changing Feelings of Social Inadequacy

1. Gain knowledge through self-reflection to hypothesize how your “social awkwardness” has been shaped and confirmed by your life experiences.
2. Self-talk to remind yourself of (1) positive qualities, (2) feelings that seem intolerable, and especially (3) your resilience, i.e., ability to withstand those intolerable feelings. (After all, you are still standing and functioning, and have had many encounters with those feelings, and you’re still here.)
3. Develop strategies to help manage behavior in social situations, e.g., what to say when approaching a stranger at a party or subjects to talk about on a date. (Google your questions if you can’t come up with your own strategies.)
4. Try out behaviors and be prepared to fail.
5. Learn to see failed attempts as success. This means overriding old patterns of self-attack and bad feelings and allowing yourself to feel courageous for trying.
6. Try out behaviors again and be prepared to fail again.
7. Keep trying to feel successful for trying.
8. Repeat steps 1 through 7 as long as necessary until you begin to feel more positively about yourself and more able to tolerate your unwanted feelings.
9. Come up with a new thought which reflects positive feelings about yourself.
10. Come up with a new thought about yourself as someone who is feeling a little more socially adequate.
11. Allow yourself to consider that you can change and be aware of your anxiety about change.
12. Keep repeating steps 1 through 11.
13. Never stop working on developing positive feelings about yourself.
14. Never stop working on your ability to tolerate unwanted feelings, change your behavior, and feel positive about yourself.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Thank you for this question. Handling the extroversion/introversion combination in a couple is something that many couples face. I’ve seen it quite frequently in my practice. Your “opposites attract” reference makes a lot of sense to me in understanding this dynamic. In the early days of dating, the extrovert/introvert match can create a certain ease in the interaction—the introvert can sit back, observe, and reflect on how he/she is experiencing the date while the extrovert can process his/her experience of the date by talking, sharing, asking questions, and driving the conversation. After the first couple of dates, the introvert can go home and quietly reflect and the extrovert can go home and talk about the date with friends and family.

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Everything moves along quite smoothly until casual dating turns into a more serious relationship. At this point, some of the challenges of the introversion/extroversion combination start to become clearer. That seems to be where you and your boyfriend are now. Like most extroverts, it sounds like you thrive on having a very active social life and you want your boyfriend to be a part of that social life. But, like most introverts, he probably thrives in a quieter environment with more solitude.

Extroverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy, by engaging in an external world of people and things. Introverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy by, engaging in an internal world of thoughts and ideas. It’s important to understand this concept because it can help both of you avoid taking these things personally. Absent this understanding, your boyfriend might feel controlled and scheduled by your attempts to include him in your social life, and you might feel rejected by his hesitation. Another benefit of fully understanding this concept lies in the word preference—neither of you is dealing with an inability here, and that means you can both compromise. For example, when you are hosting, maybe your boyfriend can be there for an hour or two and then he can slip out and return when the gathering is over. Or perhaps there can be an agreed-upon limit on the frequency or duration of the gatherings.

I think open and honest communication is going to be the key here. If you two can develop a deeper understanding of where you are each coming from and the role that your preferences toward introversion and extroversion are playing, you’ll likely be able to come up with some compromises that feel agreeable. Working through this process together may even improve and deepen the relationship that you have with each other. If you find you are having trouble getting through these conversations on your own, consider enlisting the help of a couples therapist. I know you mentioned your boyfriend was not interested in individual therapy, but perhaps he would be agreeable to couples therapy that focused on addressing this issue in your relationship.

Best wishes,
Sarah

A rich body of research confirms that men interrupt women more frequently than they interrupt men. According to a new study, though, it’s not just men who are the problem. Both men and women feel entitled to interrupt women more frequently than they interrupt men.

Men, Women, and Interruptions

Researchers wanted to check for several potential gender differences in communication style, most notably the tendency to interrupt a conversation partner. Forty participants—20 male and 20 female—each had a three-minute conversation with one male and one female conversation partner.

The conversation partners were trained to code the conversations for a host of words and conversational styles, including the use of personal pronouns, hedge statements, adverbs, dependent clauses, empty filler, and interruptions. When researchers examined the conversations, they found that subjects who talked with a woman interrupted more frequently—regardless of the gender of the subject.

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Gender Differences in Communication?

We’ve all heard endless claims—in pop psychology books, in fashion magazines, and virtually everywhere else—suggesting that men and women communicate so differently that they might as well be speaking different languages. This study, however, suggests that may not be true. In addition to analyzing interruption patterns, researchers also looked at the specific words and parts of speech speakers used. When talking to a woman, participants tended to use more dependent clauses. These parts of speech are typically part of longer, more complex sentences.

Researchers speculate that participants who spoke to a woman anticipated that the woman would use more flowery language. Just as you might simplify your speech when talking to a child or develop a subtle accent when talking to someone with an accent, subjects might have thought that women were going to use more developed language, and therefore used such language themselves. Despite these subtle adjustments in the way both men and women spoke to women, though, researchers did not find differences in the way men and women spoke. If the researchers’ interpretation is correct, then, both men and women expect women to speak differently, even when they don’t.

Social scientists have long argued that gender discrimination is structural and systemic, which means both men and women participate in sexism even when they don’t mean to. The notion that women play a role in silencing other women’s voices may help bolster this claim.

References:

1. Hancock, A. B. (2014). Influence of communication partner’s gender on language. Journal of Language and Social Psychology. doi: 10.1177/0261927X14533197
2. Robb, A. (2014, May 14). Women get interrupted more — even by other women. Retrieved from http://www.newrepublic.com/article/117757/gender-language-differences-women-get-interrupted-more

Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment and encourage you to consider some intermediate steps.

What I hear you saying is that while you love your husband, have a generally positive relationship, and are companionable, you feel as if there is something missing from your relationship, something you do not want to do without for the rest of your life. I wonder if he feels the same way.

What might it be like to open a dialogue that celebrates the time that you’ve had together and opens up a discussion about what you each want for your remaining years? If you haven’t let your husband know that you aren’t satisfied with the status quo, you have not given him, nor you, an opportunity to see if your relationship can change. That seems unfair, and it does not honor the relationship you have shared these many years. It may be that he also feels unsatisfied and doesn’t know what to do about it. You can’t know unless you begin communicating with each other.

There are couples who work together to reignite the “spark” that has faded. There are some who stay married, yet change the expectations of their relationship so each can get their needs met. There are others who decide that separation or divorce is the best option for them. Figuring out which path is for you should be, at the very least, a conversation rather than a unilateral decision.

These conversations can be challenging, often because we are afraid to hurt those we care about. Imagine, however, the depth of hurt when one is blindsided by a request for a divorce with no indication that one’s partner is unhappy. You both deserve better than that—as does your relationship.

I encourage you to get the support you feel you need in broaching these topics with your husband. He might be hurt to learn that you are not satisfied with your relationship, but he also may be relieved to finally be talking about it. If you are hesitant to open up a dialogue on your own, you can work with a couples counselor to explore these issues. Divorce is a big step to take, with logistical, emotional, and financial ramifications, but if the two of you are open with each other, explore options together, and ultimately come to that decision together, the chances of retaining the positive spirit of your relationship are significantly greater.

Best of luck!
Erika

There are four types of human beings, and I believe each is designed to attend to at least one of four critical areas of need in a functioning human society.

The tasks that each temperament is designed to attend to are so disparate that significant differences in perceptions, priorities, values, and meanings are required to attend to them. These automatically triggered differences are present at birth, identifiable at an early age and, like the degree to which each newborn is left-, right-, or mixed-handed, will not change much across time.

For instance, a naturally literal parent will not be able to get their naturally possibilities-oriented child to become more literal, any more than a naturally feel-response-oriented parent will be able to get their natural thinking-response-oriented child to experience emotions more like a feeling-oriented individuals does.

The temperament that each child is born with may be the same as, or different from,

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1. One or both parents.
2. One or more siblings.
3. One or more extended family members.
4. A teacher, coach, employer, friend, or therapist.

The nature of temperament-driven differences is such that four individuals with different temperaments can perceive, process, prioritize, and respond to the same reality in significantly different ways. Current models for making sense out of these differences treat them as matters of choice rather than of nature.

Consequently, when these differences lead to a disagreement over who is right and who is not, each assumes that the other is choosing to differ when they are not. Never-ending relationship-threatening debates can ensue driven by natural differences that neither is aware exist.

I have been providing my individual, couple, and family clients with information on natural differences in temperaments since 2000. Once most clients have realized that natural differences are at play, debilitating debates over who is right and who is not have come to an end. This allows for accommodation and compromise in areas that had not been possible before.

Taking a freeware version of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) can identify an individual’s temperament. A two-letter code within the four-letter MBTI psychological type code identifies the temperament providing the driving force for that particular type. The method for identifying temperament codes is found at the end of this article.

 The Four Temperaments

1. Sensing-Judging (SJ): Approximately 45% of the population

People with the SJ temperament provide structure for human societies. From an early age they want to know what the rules are—the societal norms for acceptable behavior. They will then live their life according to those rules and expect others to do the same.

With regards to typological wiring, choice is not an option. An SJ person’s sense of self is connected to following the rules and honoring the traditions of their society and they will automatically be bothered when others do not. Without SJs, human beings would not have a functioning foundation, a social order.

• Extraverted SJs are wired to express disapproval immediately when someone is breaking a rule. That unacceptable behavior might be cutting in line, arriving late for a meeting, or making too much noise in a library.
• Introverted SJs are also automatically bothered by such behaviors, but may not be as direct in expressing their disapproval.

The four SJ-driven personality types are ESTJ, ESFJ, and ISTJ. SJs of note include George Washington, Mother Teresa, Andy Rooney, Desmond Tutu, and Barbara Walters.

2. Sensing-Perceiving (SP): Approximately 23% of the population

People with SP temperaments are designed to address the needs of immediate sensory experience. The common denominator for SPs that distinguishes them from the other three temperaments is their need for freedom to respond or create in the moment, as the moment dictates, without reference to others.

This independence of mind is innate, a derivative of nature’s design and an essential requirement for the purpose and function they are designed to attend to. SJs tend to take care of the structural needs of human societies, that which can be predicted and planned out. Meanwhile, SPs are attending to the needs of the moment, those aspects of human experience that are best served by in-the-moment innovation and ingenuity.

SPs adapt to the constantly changing variables of immediate sensory experience. This can be quite extraordinary; SPs are found among the most gifted practitioners of both the fine as well as the martial arts.

The four SP-driven personality types are ESFP, ESTP, ISTP, and ISFP. SPs of note include Barbra Streisand, Erwin “Magic” Johnson, George C. Patton, Meryl Streep (my guess here), and Michael J. Fox.

3. Intuitive-Thinking (NT): Approximately 15% of the population

Those with NT temperaments are designed to process information from a logical frame of reference. Their primary function is to make sure that what is said or done makes logical sense. NTs can often be found in leadership roles in science, business, government, sports, and the military, making sure that logic rules the decision-making process.

In order to attend to their role responsibilities in a functioning human society, NTs are designed to experience emotions within objective parameters of cause and effect. As with the other three temperaments, choice is not an option. If something said or done does not make logical sense, it is automatically rejected as invalid.

The four NT-driven personality types are ENTJ, ENTP, INTJ, and INTP. Well known NTs include Hilary Clinton, Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, General Colin Powell, and Angela Lansbury.

4. Intuitive-Feeling (NF): Approximately 18% of the population

NFs are designed to facilitate harmony in the lives of other human beings. Nature assures that NFs attend to their role of responsibility by triggering feelings of guilt and blame disproportionate to objective reality when they upset or disappoint someone or do not help others when they know they can help but may not want to.

A rule of thumb for NFs is, “If is not said nicely, it is not nice.” No other temperament is designed with this degree of guilt and blame sensitivity in their wiring. Given this innate set of priorities for experiencing a sense of meaning and purpose in life, it is not surprising that as many as 75% of marriage and family therapists in private practice are NFs.

The four NF-driven personality types are ENFJ, ENFP, INFJ, and INFP. Well-known individuals with the NF wiring include Oprah Winfrey, Abraham Maslow, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and Isabel Briggs-Myers.

Procedure for Identifying Temperament

For a free short-form questionnaire to find your own temperament, you can go to www.NaturalPersonalityInstitute.com and download the freeware questionnaire (Natural Personality Questionnaire) based on the MBTI located there. Fill it in and score it. When done, you will have a four-letter psychological type code.

The first letter of that type’s temperament code is found on the Sensing-Intuition dichotomy. That is the second column from left on the questionnaire.

• If the first letter is S for Sensing, the second letter is found on the Judging-Perceiving dichotomy (the last, or fourth, column on the right).
  • If your letter code on the Judging-Perceiving dichotomy is J for Judging, your temperament is SJ (Sensing-Judging).
  • If your letter code is P for Perceiving, your temperament is SP (Sensing-Perceiving).

• If the first letter of your two letters temperament code is N for Intuition, the second letter is found on the Thinking-Feeling dichotomy (third column from left)
  • If your letter code is T for Thinking, your temperament is NT (Intuitive-Thinking).
  • If your letter is F for Feeling, your temperament is NF (Intuitive-Feeling).

For example, my four-letter MBTI psychological type code is INFP. The first letter of my temperament code is found on the Sensing-Intuition dichotomy which, in my case, is N for Intuition. When N is the first letter of a temperament code, the second letter is found on the Thinking-Feeling dichotomy which, in my case, is F for Feeling. Therefore my two-letter temperament code is NF for Intuitive-Feeling.

Between Temperament Communication

In order to maximize your effectiveness in navigating communication problems with temperaments that differ from your own it is helpful to remember the following:

1. SJs automatically prioritize rules of conduct, if others are behaving appropriately.
2. SPs automatically prioritize the dictates of immediate sensory experience.
3. NTs automatically prioritize the logical consequences of an act or intention.
4. NFs automatically prioritize how people may or will feel about what is said and done.

Choice is not an option. Like the degree to which each newborn is left, right, or mixed handed, the temperament in each newborn’s wiring is the temperament that will provide the perceptual frame of reference throughout their lifetime.

My mother and I provide a perfect example of this phenomenon. She was an ESTJ and I am an INFP, opposites on all four dichotomies. She was a thinking-response-oriented SJ and I am an NF. She was bluntly direct (and usually right!) in letting me know how I should be behaving.

I found her manner of communicating to be hurtful, leaving me feeling guilty, bad, and resentful. I kept her at an emotional distance most of my life. She was 93 and still cognitively sharp as a tack, before I got up the courage to tell her how her manner of communicating affected me.

She was genuinely surprised, stating, “Michael, I do not understand this guilt thing. I did not want you to feel bad about yourself; I just wanted you to do it right.” This comment helped me realize that thinking-oriented and feeling-oriented people naturally experience emotions very differently.

A Note of Caution

While the information on temperaments and temperament-specific psychological types tends to be accurate, it is general in nature, addressing response dynamics known to be common for individuals with each of the type profiles. The specifics of an individual’s self, separate from others, is far too complex to be captured by a temperament specific tendencies profile.

First of all, there are a near infinite number of degrees of response orientation that an individual may have on each of the four dichotomies known to determine an individual’s temperament and temperament specific psychological type. Birth order, degrees of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic perceptual processing, spirituality, aptitudes of mind, and a wide range of environmental influences, as well as an X factor to cover the inexplicable, also factor into the equation.

The complexity involved is such that true knowing of another has some very real limitations. Because of this, type profiles should be used for the gathering of general information about an individual, but most definitely not to define the person.

First of all, I want to commend you on the great job you have done reflecting on and understanding your feelings around this issue, and on sharing them with your partner. It sounds like you two are able to communicate openly and honestly with one another even when it is not easy. I would encourage you to continue the conversation; keeping the lines of communication open will help each of you to get your needs met in the relationship.

Speaking of needs, I’m wondering if there is anything that your boyfriend feels is lacking in the relationship. It’s possible that he is perfectly satisfied by the relationship. However, there might be something he would like that he is not getting, or something he would like more of. If this is the case, it means there are things you can both be doing to nourish your relationship. If there is something he is seeking and you look for opportunities to provide that for him, he might not only feel even more loved, but also look for opportunities to make you feel loved by initiating that physical and verbal affection you are seeking. It could become a very positive cycle that allows you to deepen your connection to one another.

I’m also wondering about the other relationships in your life now—family, friends, colleagues, etc. What needs do these relationships fill? I raise the issue because our intimate relationships are so central in our lives that it can be easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to fill all of our needs. It is not possible for any one person to satisfy all of another person’s needs. So, if this is the expectation, even the best of relationships will surely miss the mark and leave us feeling disappointed.

Your level of self-awareness and your ability to speak candidly with your partner is so important. It was brave of you to acknowledge and discuss the connection you have made between your sour mood and your partner’s affection. This is definitely something you want to work through before it goes on too long. I doubt you want to have to be in a bad mood every time you want a little affection from your partner. Plus, while it is working now, your partner might grow to feel manipulated by it and ultimately become resentful. This is something you want to nip in the bud!

As I’ve said, the insight and communication here seems really strong, so keep talking to each other and working on this. If it seems like you are getting stuck, consider reaching out to a couples therapist to get some assistance with moving the conversation forward. Best wishes on your journey together.

Respectfully,
Sarah

is an important aspect of relationships, which can be incredibly complicated. Being in love doesn’t automatically lead to understanding or responding ideally to another person’s needs. Individuals with anxiety often feel misunderstood or unable to communicate effectively, and they may even avoid situations that require talking about certain topics.

When worry finds its way into your relationship, it can make it difficult to develop or maintain a strong bond with your partner. When you are experiencing fear or anxiety, your tendency may be to push others away, shut down, put up emotional walls, or isolate yourself. It can be a challenge to develop ways to turn to your partner. This can lead to questions, repeated attempts to “understand” what is going on, and this questioning can create feelings of uneasiness or being mistrusted in the anxious person’s partner. Such conflict can leave both partners feeling frustrated or angry.

People with anxiety typically report that their relationships improve once they are able to explain their condition and how it affects them to the important people in their lives.

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Effective reduction strategies can help control anxiety and allow you to challenge your fears more readily. Here are seven basic ones that can help you begin to heal your relationship:

1. Be honest. Talk about how your partner can support you when you are experiencing anxiety. Discuss how your anxiety creates tension.
2. Don’t shut down. If you have a tendency to distance yourself from others when you’re anxious, make sure they know that the distancing is due to the anxiety and not them. Let them know it is simply a coping strategy.
3. Explain what anxiety is and how it impacts you. Describe how it affects your thinking (intrusive and recurring thoughts, effects on decision making) as well as how anxiety manifests in your body (increased blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating). The more specific you can be, the more likely you and your partner will be to develop a plan to address these effects.
4. Incorporate more movement into your day. Many studies show the physical and emotional benefits of exercise. Some show that regular exercise can be as effective as (or more so than) medication.
5. Challenge your fears. Identify when you are having fear responses and pinpoint possible triggers. Dissecting your fears can make them seem less formidable.
6. Listen and reflect. With anxiety, distortions occur. When you are anxious, you may hear only a small portion of what is being said to you before your mind begins to fill in the blanks and get reactive or defensive. By practicing listening skills in nonanxious moments, you can develop skills to use when you become anxious. If you repeat or restate what you heard your partner say, you may listen differently. This can give your partner an opportunity to clarify if your reflection doesn’t match his or her intent.
7. Increase physical touch: Try to be more physically affectionate (holding hands, kissing, being close). Physical touch has been hardwired into all of us; each of us needs some level of connection. Discussing your touch needs can inspire dialogue that begins to repair any disconnect.

Each time we find the courage to challenge our fears, new opportunities can arise. What are you willing to challenge yourself to do in order to make your relationships better?