Let’s face it: relationships are complicated. Each person brings their own history of conscious and unconscious needs and fears to the table, and these needs and fears are often contradictory. Temperaments differ, as do communication styles, tolerances for closeness, and ideas about what constitutes love and fidelity. And yet, in my experience with couples, one thing makes the biggest difference when it comes to the long-term emotional health of a partnership: taking ownership. It’s more than a skill—it’s a relational superpower that can help even the most estranged partners in the midst of a crisis recover their connection and move forward with new resources and a deeper commitment.

You’d think taking ownership would be easy in a culture where we invest so much time, energy, money, and focus on being able to own stuff, from cars to houses to websites to bright ideas. In spite of our passionate consumerism, owning psychological stuff is bafflingly hard. It can’t be forced or demanded, faked or extorted. Just because you’re able to own something once doesn’t mean you’ll be able to do it again. If attempted without self-compassion, it has a manipulative quality. If done from a purely mental position, it feels dry, a seedless hull without any generative capacity.

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I’m sure you’ve heard people say “I’m sorry” or “It was my fault.” These words can be bridges that span the abyss, but they can also amplify the existing emotional confusion. Our hearts know when ownership is real and when it’s a tactical maneuver. Truly taking ownership requires a willingness to experience and acknowledge our prejudices, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. Ultimately, it means we have to give up defending ourselves, to step out from behind the shield of our victimhood and recognize our capacity to hurt another.

Truly taking ownership feels risky, a bit like showing your cards to an opponent in a winner-takes-all poker game, or maybe like exposing your throat to a potential predator. Lessons we learned early on in our families and communities have impacted how safe we feel showing up authentically with all of who we are even with those closest to us, for better or worse, flawed and fully human. When we take ownership for some aspect of ourselves we’ve previously denied, we bypass our own defenses and connect to our deepest vulnerabilities. We risk something—hurt, rejection, judgment—for the sake of connection.

Truly taking ownership requires a willingness to experience and acknowledge our prejudices, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. Ultimately, it means we have to give up defending ourselves, to step out from behind the shield of our victimhood and recognize our capacity to hurt another.

Once, at the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I remember stopping in the middle of a searing argument and realizing that what he was telling me, and what I was arguing so ferociously against, was in fact 100% true. He’d called my attention to something unpleasant about the way I interacted with him that I didn’t want to admit to. “You’re right,” I said finally, my voice cracking. For a moment, it felt like the world would end. A wave of nausea passed through me, but then my husband took my hand and I could see warmth in his eyes. I’d lost the argument, but I’d begun the process of winning his genuine trust.

If you want to increase your chances of happiness with your partner, try challenging your strongest convictions about “the right way to be” in a relationship, particularly if these convictions create distance between the two of you. Notice the things you can’t stand about your mate and write them down, then consider how these characteristics or qualities might exist, however hidden, within you.

If you’re feeling ambitious, listen carefully to your partner’s complaints: you’re overbearing, needy, jealous, irresponsible, cold. True, these observations may be exaggerated or even false, but they may also be clues to the most important things you’ll ever own—hidden truths about yourself that need to be acknowledged before your relationship can change for the better.

Stress has a way of upending our lives—it can cause tension in our relationships, anxiety in our thoughts, and tightness in our bodies. You may have a self-care practice in place, or yours may need some shoring up.

Either way, mindful music listening can be a wonderful way to reduce your stress and reconnect with your body and breath. Mindfulness—the practice of being in the present moment—can be practiced at any time and anywhere. I often use mindfulness exercises with people in therapy as a way to tune into their body, breath, and mind. Mindfulness is not about having an empty mind, but simply noticing whatever is there, thoughts and all.

However, if you find mindfulness challenging (or haven’t tried it!), the addition of music can help you stay focused, while simultaneously helping you to connect with music as a source of strength and creative energy. Music can be a powerful way to experience the present moment.

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Take a moment to think about the music in your life. Do you listen to music regularly? Is it live music? Recorded music? What kind of music moves you? Helps you relax? Energizes you? Do you play an instrument or sing? What music do you hear around you (perhaps music your kids or partner listen to)?

Now think about your relationship with music for a moment. Is it a source of frustration or a joy? Do you feel disconnected from music sometimes? Does music soothe you when nothing else seems to work? Do you have a lot of music on your phone but never listen to it?

Whether you listen to music all the time or rarely, mindful music listening can help you slow down and be in the moment. Here’s how:

1. Choose a piece of music to listen to. I usually use instrumental pieces, as lyrics can add a whole extra layer, but it’s up to you. It can either be a familiar or unfamiliar piece (it’s interesting to repeat this exercise with the opposite of what you choose this time, just to notice if anything feels different).
2. Take a moment to breathe and ground yourself—no matter where you are, or what’s going on around you. Inhale gently through your nose, and exhale deeply through your open lips. Notice your body, and tune into how it feels, whether you’re standing, sitting, walking, or laying down. Just notice any physical structures your body is touching (the floor, the chair, or your shoes) as well as any physical sensations (tightness, tension) in your body.
3. Just listen. Use headphones or earbuds if that helps you focus or shut out external noise. Give yourself permission to only listen to the music, without simultaneously checking your email or refreshing your Facebook feed. If it helps, close your eyes (if that’s challenging, it’s likely because you really need the break!).
4. Notice. Let yourself be aware of anything you notice, without judgment or self-criticism. Notice the pace of the music, the sounds of the different instruments, or the shifts in volume. Notice if you’re more aware of a certain part of your body as you listen (i.e., “I often feel vibrations of cello music in my chest”). Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up—perhaps the music is connected to a memory, or perhaps an anxious thought is trying to pop through. Let any thoughts just pass through your awareness, and then gently bring yourself back to the sounds of the music.
5. Reflect. Take a moment to breathe and check in with your body, breath, and mind (see step 2). Does anything feel different? Do you notice any shifts after listening to the piece of music? Do you feel calmer? If the piece you chose didn’t feel like a good fit, what might you look for in another piece (i.e., slower, fewer instruments, louder)?

This short mindfulness experience can be a useful thing to practice daily, much like meditating. You might experiment with different types of music as a way to notice different responses. You may also find that repeating the same piece of music is a sort of touchstone, a way to continually reconnect to that place inside where gentle pausing and noticing can happen with ease.

I’d love to hear what piece of music you chose to listen to. Feel free to leave a comment below.

Many therapists, myself included, feel that the most potent work in psychodynamic treatment is in what’s called “working with the here-and-now.” Addressing what’s going on in the therapy room—and by that I mean what’s coming up between the person in therapy and the therapist—means we’re really cookin’! It puts the “dynamic” in psychodynamic therapy.

If you are at a place with your therapist where you feel okay about talking about your therapeutic relationship, it likely indicates a healthy level of trust between the two of you. You’ve moved from talking “about” issues (such as describing the latest negative interaction with your boss, the last argument with your wife, or the most recent bout of passive aggressiveness with that annoying neighbor) toward experiencing an issue together.

It can be scary. It takes guts. And it’s where so much amazing work happens.

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So if the here-and-now is so important, why do therapists ask so many questions about the past? Why are there so many stereotypes about therapists asking about, say, your mother or father? Heck, why does your therapist want to know about your parents at all? After all, it’s you in therapy, not them, right?

Looking for Patterns

Early on in treatment, many therapists try to get a sense of your early history—questions about where and how you grew up, the family members who were (or weren’t) around, and much, much more. Was Dad down all the time? Did Mom never let you see her cry? Were you the oldest and thus “in charge” of your siblings? Were you always compared to another family member?

Therapists are often looking to suss out patterns, many of which tend to be dutifully followed in a less-than-conscious way. Emotional patterns could be strong feelings that come up for you seemingly out of nowhere. A therapist may ask you if a feeling is familiar. It may lead you to a memory of something small or large, but trusting it and seeing where it takes you can lead to uncovering and healing a long-held wound you didn’t know was still there.

Therapists are also attuned to relationship patterns and how they may be affecting you now. These may be recurring types of relationships (“Why am I always dating the same type of person who treats me this way?”) as well as patterns in your family’s history. For example, a man who feels he needs to hold the family together without showing emotion may have been modeled that by his father, who may have been modeled that by his father, perhaps instilling an unconscious limitation regarding what a father can be.

Using Patterns to Promote Change

In this way we are moving back and forth, examining how your past was the forerunner to who you are now. It dictates nothing. Someone else with your exact past wouldn’t necessarily be in the same place you are now, but we can often connect dots that led to the issues you may be struggling with.

Someone else with your exact past wouldn’t necessarily be in the same place you are now, but we can often connect dots that led to the issues you may be struggling with.

The past can provide some insight. It’s a reminder that your mental health is not all about “you” because there’s a larger picture of you in an environment, a greater context. The past can help put all of this together to better understand who you are. When you look at a pattern that has led to “you” and realize you’ve been using what you were given the best you could, you invite room for self-compassion. Positive change is very difficult without allowing yourself some of that.

It’s not about the insight, though. Insight-only therapy would make treatment an interesting intellectual exercise, but one that led to little actual transformation. Once we connect with past issues, uncover patterns, and unpack how strong emotions elicited by passing thoughts are actually learned responses to old hurts, we can finally heal those hurts.

That’s what we do when we work with the here-and-now.

We can finally let out anger that previously found its voice as depression.

We can finally cry about something that had been manifesting as resentment in every power dynamic we were on the less empowered side of.

We can truly, deeply laugh at something we once held as morbidly sacred.

Using the present to connect with the past, and then the past to connect back to the present, is how we move forward.

When many people with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) think about improving their productivity in the workplace, the main thing that comes to mind is creating and maintaining a to-do list. While keeping track of what you do is important, having your office set up in a way that suits your unique needs is vital to success in the workplace. This is true for anyone, but especially so for someone with ADHD, a condition that tends to make it difficult to concentrate and stay on task.

Here are four simple strategies to help those with ADHD create an optimal work environment:

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1. Get comfortable. To the extent you have control over the furniture and layout, think about your work space. Make certain you have a comfortable, ergonomic chair. In addition to a traditional desk chair, some people find sitting on an inflated exercise ball part of the time or a standing desk attachment to be helpful in reducing fidgetiness. Alternatively, if you don’t like sitting at a desk and aren’t required to, consider other options that may be available to you. For example, some office environments might allow for you to sit on a couch or comfortable reclining chair. In other environments, you may be permitted to mount a large television to the wall in front of you to use as a computer screen, and then use a tray table, lap desk, or similar support item to hold a keyboard and mouse. If you sit with a tray table that is free-standing, make sure the height of it is comfortably proportional to the height of the couch or chair.
2. Set up stations for different tasks. Spending all day sitting at a desk can be difficult even for people who don’t have symptoms of ADHD. Varying your seating position during the day can be beneficial. If possible, have a chair or couch in the office that you can use to sit at when doing certain tasks (such as reading, organizing papers, making charts, etc.). In addition, if you have a job where you work on a few major projects and have physical materials for them, try to devote a different portion of the room to each one.
3. Reduce clutter. Having papers piled up on your desk can be distracting and may take away from your productivity. If you need a place to pile papers, it may be helpful to place them on a shelf out of immediate view. Of course, setting up an organizational system where papers are filed regularly so they don’t pile up in the first place would be best. Unless you are using items regularly, keep them off your desk as much as possible. Limit the items on your desk to things you use daily—your computer, perhaps your office phone, and not much else. Having an area within arm’s reach for pens, a stapler, hole punch, etc., may be useful to reduce the frequency of having to get up for supplies.
4. Stay active. In addition to taking regular breaks, consider small things you can do to stay active while working. For example, using a desk bicycle or elliptical while working may help harness fidgeting while having the added benefit of improving your physical health. Using exercise bands attached to your chair may also be helpful.

Having the optimal work environment, or at least making it as comfortable as possible, is crucial to being successful in the workplace. I hope these suggestions are helpful.

People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing.

In my individual work with people who have uncovered that they were involved in a romantic relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities, one of the first things we do in psychotherapy is to work together to understand the psychology behind narcissistic abuse recovery. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle and empowering the person to narrate their story is essential in the reality testing and support of a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance in Toxic Relationships?

As mentioned in my previous articles on this subject, it is not my practice to label people with “conditions” or “disorders.” I am a strengths-focused therapist, and very solution-focused in my practice with people in therapy. However, when I work with people who are leaving toxic relationships, it helps to understand the nature of the emotional abuse in order to fully conceptualize and process their reality of the experience. Narcissistic abuse is an insidious, covert form of emotional abuse that can happen to unsuspecting individuals who are entangled in a relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities.

One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic tendencies is the generalized concept called cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation. Leon Festinger (1957) was one researcher who studied the theory of cognitive dissonance. Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.

Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse: A Snapshot

A simplistic, condensed example in a toxic relationship: an abuser professes love and divines a marriage date with their partner. The partner is courted, romanced, and ultimately falls in love with the abuser, not knowing that the abuser has ulterior motives (i.e., not staying in the relationship). The partner envisions wedding details and enjoys the courtship, flowers, and being placed on a pedestal. The abuser then suddenly makes a comment denying they said anything about getting married. They go on to say the partner is “crazy” for thinking that. Blame is then projected upon the partner, and the partner is dizzy with confusion, recalling that, indeed, their significant other did discuss wedding bells and a future together.

The partner then experiences a state of cognitive dissonance—a hazy unreality of confusion. Such emotional abuse renders the target confused and reeling with heartache that the pace of the relationship has slammed to an abrupt halt, in addition to feelings of betrayal and being blamed.

Gaslighting: Another Insidious Form of Narcissistic Cognitive Dissonance

Another common tactic of emotional abuse employed by individuals with narcissistic issues is “gaslighting.” This term was coined after a movie titled Gaslight (1944) in which a form of psychological abuse resulting in cognitive dissonance occurred for the main character, played by Ingrid Bergman. The result of gaslighting is that the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being of the target.

Another example of gaslighting in the movies would be the Julia Roberts character as the target of abuse in Sleeping with the Enemy (1991). In her situation, her abuser would appear as a stalker in her house by straightening out the bath towels. Roberts’ character knew that her partner was particular about cleanliness and order, so when she thought she was alone in the house, she found out she was not by seeing straightened bath towels arranged eerily in order. This gaslighting resulted in Roberts’ character doubting her reality and feeling a state of psychological terror. In circumstances where emotional abuse occurs outside of Hollywood films, often the “gaslighting” is verbal or emotional, placing the target of abuse in a state of perpetual confusion.

Using Validation to Diffuse Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is diffused and reduced when the survivor of narcissistic abuse is able to receive validation and confirmation of the reality of their circumstances. Narrating the story can take place verbally in psychotherapy sessions and/or via the use of journaling exercises. Although this is just the beginning of the healing process, mastering the trauma associated with narcissistic abuse ensues when the target has unconditional, positive regard, validation for their experience, psychoeducation about the nature of narcissistic abuse recovery, and empowerment as they move through the emotions associated with grief/trauma recovery.

Being able to vocalize or write about the particulars of the experience releases the trauma and enables the survivor to reduce cognitive dissonance and continue with the healing work. Talking to a licensed, compassionate therapist can be one helpful step in moving toward healing.

There are many more steps in the healing process, but working through cognitive dissonance is a key, initial component in reducing trauma and anxiety in survivors of emotional abuse.

You are surrounded by millions of people with an incredible amount of power, and they don’t even know it. The power they have comes with no effort, and often grows stronger over time. All this, and no lightsaber!

So who has it, and how do you get some?

That power is given to the people in your life when you allow their behavior to change yours. When you avoid socializing with friends because you feel they will judge your weight, your clothes, or hairstyle, you give those friends your power. When you feel you can’t be yourself with peers or have a voice in your relationship for fear of judgment or shame, you give away your power. When you allow the outside world to determine your value, you relinquish your power.

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In other words, the power you give away is the authority to define your self-worth and be in control of your life.

A healthy perspective of yourself is as vital to your well-being as your heart is to keeping you alive. Your measurement of self-worth impacts your mood, your job, relationships, marriage, and your outlook on the future. You carry that measurement around in your mind every day, high or low, and it becomes the way you absorb and react to the world around you. When a pattern develops of comparing yourself to others and believing you will never measure up, this may lead to distorted perceptions of who you think you are and what you are capable of.

You may be relinquishing your power when you:

1. Believe life happens “to you” and your efforts don’t improve the outcomes. It seems safer to sit back and let life happen.
2. Feel helpless, insignificant, or incompetent in comparison to others, or that your voice doesn’t matter.
3. Experience life as an endless emotional roller coaster. You find that your mood tends to match the ups and downs that come along each day. This may include increased anxiety, depression, or a sense of being “stuck.”
4. Struggle with forming meaningful relationships.

A healthy perspective of yourself is as vital to your well-being as your heart is to keeping you alive. Your measurement of self-worth impacts your mood, your job, relationships, marriage, and your outlook on the future.

Alternatively, embracing the unique person you are, with all of your flaws and imperfections, puts an ever-present lightsaber in your hand, empowering your sense of self to do battle with incoming negativity. This renders comparison-making less meaningful, allowing you to participate with people and events in your life in a more positive and realistic way.

You can restore your power when you:

1. Embrace the outlook that life’s joy comes from your full participation, feeling empowered and worthy. Next, add the affirmation that this can happen “because of” you!
2. Gain awareness of the people and situations that cause you to feel inadequate, less competent, and make you want to withdraw or live in the shadows. Recognize how these situations influence your symptoms of anxiety and depression. Take some time on your own, or with the help of a professional counselor, to better understand these thoughts and emotions and the steps you can take to overcome them.
3. Recognize that your self-worth is of equal value to everyone else’s; decide to choose to believe THAT above all else.
4. Choose one person whose friendship you value and experiment with being the “authentic you” in their company. Take note of how you feel about yourself in those moments and how being your authentic self affects your relationship over time.

Consider how the power flows in your life. Do you give it away, allowing distorted perceptions to impact how you feel about yourself and your ability to influence your life? Or do you embrace it, empowering the authentic you to define your self-worth and control your life? The latter is worth fighting for. Grab your lightsaber!

Alex traveled frequently for work. Ashley never questioned what he did on his business trips. She trusted him. When Alex revealed he’d been having an affair with a coworker with whom he traveled, Ashley was devastated. Her entire world crashed in on her. At first she felt shock and disbelief. How could this have happened to her? Was this really happening? Every morning upon awakening, it hit her—waves of pain pounding down on her heart. It was a nightmare she couldn’t shake.

The hurt and sadness were overwhelming. The grief felt as if “something” had died. And then she realized: it was her innocence. She would never again have that feeling of carefree and absolute trust in her partner.

Anxiety and panic stalked her even when she wasn’t thinking about it. Her mind raced with questions: “Was my 19-year marriage a sham? Did Alex ever really love me? How could he have done this to me? Where was the trustworthy, loyal man I married? Do I really know who he is?”

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Within the first three weeks, she lost nine pounds. She couldn’t eat. Sleeping through the night was a challenge. She felt depressed. Every television show seemed to be about infidelity. She couldn’t get away from it.

Alex, for his part, felt terrible. The weight of his guilt was almost unbearable. He watched Ashley’s suffering and did his best to comfort her. She vacillated between wanting to be held closely and desiring to shove him away. He beat himself up daily. Desperate to save his marriage, he finally convinced Ashley to go to marriage counseling with him.

Bob and I saw them in co-counseling as a team. On their first therapy visit, we listened to their heart-wrenching story and saw two people “dripping in pain.” They asked us if there was hope to save their marriage. We told them yes, that we’d worked with many couples who’d come in as the result of an affair; if they did the necessary work and persevered over time, their marriage could not only survive, it could be stronger than it was before the affair. We asked them to borrow our hope until they felt it themselves.

Over the next 18 months, they came to weekly sessions. In the safety of our therapy room, we helped them face and walk through the pain they experienced. Alex honestly answered any and all questions Ashley had, even when it felt punishing and at times arduous. He patiently listened to and empathized with her anger and hurt, even when every cell in his body wanted her to move on from it.

Alex reflected upon how and why he’d made the choices that almost ended his marriage and family. He faced his feelings about his father cheating on his mother and expressed how disappointed he was in himself since he never wanted to be “that guy.”

Ashley worked hard on learning how to express herself in a way Alex could hear. She became less critical and owned her thoughts and feelings. She asked for what she needed instead of expecting Alex to read her mind.

She allowed herself to feel empathy for Alex’s pain when he described his feelings of self-loathing and disappointment in his behavior.

Ashley learned about the meaning of forgiveness; it didn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning Alex’s behavior. Forgiveness meant letting go of her anger and pain about the affair, so she could move forward.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

The two of them explored the history of their marriage and how insidiously they drifted apart, became more like roommates, and took each other for granted. Their primary focus on raising kids and building careers resulted in less time and attention to their marriage. They faced the fact their marriage became vulnerable to an affair as a result, though Alex owned the choice he made to stray.

Together, Alex and Ashley discussed ways to create a deeper connection, emotionally and sexually. They learned to communicate more genuinely and express themselves authentically even in the most difficult times. They learned to manage conflict instead of escalating or avoiding it. They worked on creating habits of connecting daily and appreciating each other. They opened up about their sexual needs and desires even though it was awkward at first.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

Though some couples separate, there is a great chance of survival if both partners have the earnest desire, patience, and emotional fortitude to do the work. Therapy helps couples face the trauma together, work toward understanding and forgiveness, and create an even deeper connection than existed before.

It took time, work, and patience, but Alex and Ashley both agreed it was worth the effort. They were grateful they had not impulsively separated.

It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but couples can and do survive affairs. If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, take your time before making any impulsive decisions. Find a therapist who specializes in marriage, affairs, and relationships for yourself and/or you and your partner.

Note: Names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality.

When warm and sweet feelings turn cold and sour, when the paradise transforms into a living hell, and when the feeling of love has faded away, you know your relationship has become toxic and dysfunctional. With high divorce rates, more and more people are questioning the institution of marriage. Factors such as infidelity, midlife crises, and financial differences can test even the strongest unions, but how you communicate with your partner can be just as important.

If you feel like your marriage is deteriorating, it is time for some reflection. What attitudes and behaviors are detrimental to the marriage? Below, I will discuss seven damaging behaviors that can dramatically impact your relationship.

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1. Negative Criticism

Imagine all your efforts, even constructive suggestions, being met with disapproval and objection by your significant other. Doesn’t feel great, right? Instead of addressing the problems you have with their particular behavior and how it impacts you, you question their personality and values. No one likes being attacked, especially when it comes to their character. Excessive or negative criticism can take a toll on self-esteem and may cause stress, anger, and resentment. When you feel attacked, the hurt may compel you to retaliate toward the complainer or blamer, causing escalation of negative feelings and behaviors.

2. Silent Treatment, Withdrawal, and Distancing

The silent treatment, withdrawal, distancing, and other examples of lack of cooperation are detrimental to marriages. Aren’t we all guilty of this to some degree? At times, instead of communicating the problem with a partner, we shut them out and refuse to collaborate. We decline to express our needs and prevent our partner from expressing themselves or accessing our internal world. This stonewalling can lead to the building of resentment and other negative feelings in the other person. Physical or emotional detachment acts as a hurdle in communication and hurts the well-being of the relationship.

3. Contempt

In his comprehensive research about couples, Dr. John Gottman found out that contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Contempt is poison for marriages. Behaviors such as disrespecting, cursing, name-calling, and anything else that makes the other person feel bad about themselves reflect contemptuous intentions. Contempt from the person with whom you are supposed to feel secure and protected could put the future of your marriage in doubt.

4. Nagging

The Wall Street Journal defined nagging as “the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed.” Nagging is a behavior that contaminates a marriage and, over time, has the potential to end it. No one wants to feel like an errant, irresponsible child. Nagging creates distance between a couple and promotes lack of trust and negative energy. When you know it is creating problems rather than solving them, you need to try a different strategy.

5. Defensiveness

Criticism leads to defensiveness, and defensiveness leads to withdrawal. Criticism creates a defensive, self-protective response. It is an intimacy killer that acts as a hindrance in the bond formation. Defensive behavior adds a layer to the already existing problems because no positive result comes out of it. As a shield, many people tend to bring up the past or deflect attention toward something the criticizing partner has done rather than focus on the present challenge. It leads to an “I am right, you are wrong” dynamic and starts a power play.

6. Refusing to Resolve Issues

When couples shut each other out, rather than maturely communicating and resolving the conflict, issues tend to pile up. These tend to burst out during fights as excuses, and further damage the relationship. A lot of couples pretend that everything is okay in order to avoid confrontation. Although it might create peace between the two for the time being, the issue will come up again and again as long as it remains unsettled.

7. Holding to Unrealistic Expectations

When one partner expects too much from the other, the other may feel like a failure when things do not go right (i.e., “Nothing I do is good enough”). This causes unhappiness and frustration. Yes, it’s important to be expressive and to ask in a gentle way for your needs to be met. Yet even when you ask respectfully, it does not mean you will get what you want. Once you ask for something, it is in the court of your partner. When you are assertive and accepting of your partner and the reality of your relationship, while embracing influence rather than control, you are in a better position to get what you want—but more importantly you may be happier, both individually and as a couple.

Having differences and arguments is normal. How you handle these situations makes all the difference. Self-examination and personal responsibility are necessary to secure the marriage and grow emotionally strong together. Avoid damaging behaviors, inject care and compassion, and create a loving marriage. If you need guidance from an impartial professional, contact a qualified therapist.

References:

1. Bernstein, E. (2012, January 25). Meet the marriage killer. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728
2. Navarra, R. J., & Gottman, J. M. (2011). Gottman method couple therapy: From theory to practice. In D.K. Carson and M. Casado-Kehoe (Eds.) Case studies in couples therapy: Theory-based approaches (331-343). New York, NY: Routledge. Retrieved from http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Navarra-Gottman-SRH-Theory-Relationship-Marriage-Education.pdf

The term self-regulation means “control [of oneself] by oneself.” It refers to a system taking the needed steps to keep itself in balance. Many different systems can self-regulate, including businesses, communities, financial institutions, political campaigns, and industries. In biology and somatic psychotherapy, self-regulation refers to an organism (a biological creature) being in a state of balance.

Self-regulation of biological creatures (such as you and me) occurs on many different levels. For example, someone who has good emotional self-regulation has the ability to keep their emotions in check. They can resist impulsive behaviors that might worsen their situation, and they can cheer themselves up when they’re feeling down. They have a flexible range of emotional and behavioral responses that are well matched to the demands of their environment. Thanks to neuroplasticity, the adaptability of our nervous systems, humans are fortunately able to improve their emotional self-regulation over time.

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Our bodies also have the capacity for self-regulation. There are many examples. On a purely biological level, a well-functioning pancreas keeps our blood sugar in the range our body needs in order to function optimally. Our heart rate speeds up when we exercise, and our muscles need more oxygen and sugar. The heart rate slows when we are in a state of rest, and the muscles need fewer supplies from the bloodstream.

Similarly, the autonomic nervous system works to keep order below the level of our awareness. It regulates and balances many automatic functions of our bodies, including emotions. One of the most important (and frequently overlooked!) functions it regulates is our automatic, instinctive response to perceived threats in the environment. Our threat response system determines whether we are angry and want to fight, or scared and want to flee, or hunker down until the threat passes (freeze). This is known as the fight, flight, or freeze response.

When these responses are out of balance with our environment, we are not self-regulating well and we experience symptoms. This is why self-regulation is so important.

The fundamental goal of somatically based psychotherapy is to restore healthy self-regulation, resilience, and the capacity to be fully present in the moment. By integrating somatic tools into therapy, it is possible to work directly with symptoms “where they live”—in the person’s body and nervous system.

When our fear response is out of proportion to the current situation, we call that anxiety. It would be appropriate to experience a pounding heart, rapid breath, jitteriness, and intense fear if a grizzly bear were trying to attack us. On the other hand, these same physical symptoms are excessive if we are grocery shopping, conversing with a friend, or at home reading a book.

Here’s another example: When Jill was a little girl, her father often had bouts of rage. Since Jill was very small, she was incapable of standing up to him to actively protect herself. Had she tried, his rage likely would have increased, and she would have been physically overpowered. As a small child, she was dependent on her parents; she couldn’t flee by getting a job and moving. She learned that becoming still and quiet was usually effective in avoiding his attention and anger. As an adult, she still tends to “freeze” in many situations where being more active and assertive would be a more effective response. She also may experience fear and anxiety when there is no actual threat to her safety. We can say that because of Jill’s early upbringing, her capacity for self-regulation was disrupted. Now she needs support to develop improved self-regulation skills so she can function better and increase her enjoyment of life.

Whether or not it’s overtly stated, the goal of most therapy is to restore balance—self-regulation—in an individual, couple, or family. Since the threat response and related emotions are biological in nature, it is often useful to include awareness of the person’s bodily responses during the therapy session. For example, a person who has learned to notice when their heart rate is increasing and their jaw is clenching can take specific actions to stop a rage or panic attack before it really gets rolling.

In somatic psychotherapy, the therapist and person in therapy attend to the latter’s history, thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and the relationship between person in therapy and therapist (therapeutic relationship), just like in “regular” therapy. However, they also include a moment-to-moment awareness of what the person’s autonomic nervous system and body are “saying.” The person learns to have two-way communication between mind and body, which is often effective in restoring self-regulation and relief from symptoms.

The fundamental goal of somatically based psychotherapy is to restore healthy self-regulation, resilience, and the capacity to be fully present in the moment. By integrating somatic tools into therapy, it is possible to work directly with symptoms “where they live”—in the person’s body and nervous system. Over time, these efforts to restore self-regulation allow the person to move on with their life, stronger and more resilient than ever.

References:

1. Cook, J. L., & Cook, G. (2009). Child development principles and perspectives (352-355). New York, NY: Pearson.
2. Definition of neuroplasticity. (n.d.). MedicineNet.com. Retrieved from http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362
3. Perry, B. D. (n.d.). Self-regulation: The Second Core Strength. Early Childhood Today. Retrieved from http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/self_regulation.htm
4. Self-regulation. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.dictionary.com/browse/self-regulation

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” —Marcus Aurelius

I wonder why, despite our best intentions, we sometimes stand in judgment of others. The reasons that follow do not justify the behavior, but I believe they do help explain it.

When we judge people harshly, we use others as a basis for comparison. We tell ourselves that our choices are pretty good given what other people are up to. We don’t use our own goals and intentions as our yardstick or benchmark. Instead, we let others determine how well we’re doing. We develop a false sense of superiority when we find fault with others. As long as others are not perfect (and no one is), then we can feel more easily justified in our own behaviors.

Judging others might be our way of finding our place among others. When we form opinions about what we aspire to and what we disdain, we determine where we think we “fit” now, and perhaps where we would like to be in the future.

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Judging others, ironically and as much as we might hate to admit it, can be an opportunity for us to rail against the things we like least within us. This is something we often fail to realize. Sometimes people hold up a mirror and we neglect to see our own reflections. We are bothered by qualities in others that we choose not to notice in ourselves.

Occasionally, judging can be a way for us to join with others. One person complains about something, then another person echoes that sentiment, and then another. Before you know it, a group has formed grounded in negativity. It sometimes takes root in humor, but is often at the expense of someone else.

How can we do better?

It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand.

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others.

Carefully consider whether the very behavior or characteristic you complain about in someone else is something you could be working on yourself. Is it possible you’re upset that you don’t possess MORE of the characteristics you are upset with? For example, do you find yourself criticizing someone who exemplifies confidence and strength because you deem them haughty or pompous? Is that because you actually wish YOU were more self-assured and assertive? If you find yourself judging someone else’s characteristics or ways of getting things done, ask yourself, is this something I could be developing in me?

Examine whether you are forming bonds based on denigrating others. If so, these bonds are founded in adversity and likely won’t last. Unfortunately, there is also the possibility judgment will next be turned toward you. Create connections based on positive, uplifting similarities in thinking, rather than initiating bonds based on taking someone else down in the process.

Use your judgment of others as a cue to check in with yourself and your thought processes.

Ask yourself: Am I feeling insecure about something? Am I uncertain about where I fit in or afraid of not belonging? Do I need to develop something in me?

Plug back into your individual goals and intentions and behave in line with them. When we focus on what we see as others’ shortcomings, we waste energy that could be better spent on improving our own.

“Narcissism.” This word is tossed around easily these days. Because people hear it so often, they tend to think they know what it means. This is often what happens when a clinical term enters the vernacular. But take a minute. What is your understanding of the word? Now ask three others the same question. I will bet you end up with four different answers.

Think about conversational use of “psychopath,” “sociopath,” “bipolar“, “OCD“, or “autistic,” to mention a few more. Two of those words have no clinical meaning at all, and the others are not likely to be understood accurately by anyone outside the health professions. Again, definitions likely vary from person to person.

So why is their use so pervasive?

To use a word is to align with a group that agrees tacitly upon its definition: to join the group of people who believe they understand the innuendo of its colloquial usage. You call someone a psychopath, for example, and you believe that others are likely to think you at least mean the person acts without regard to the welfare of others, often in a criminal manner. That’s just a sliver of the actual components of antisocial personality, the real clinical term that describes what people think they are saying with “psychopath,” but no matter. The word “psychopath” is unlikely to fall from the American lexicon anytime soon. The same goes for the slippery common usage of the other terms mentioned above.

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It is also a way to use shorthand to describe more complex thoughts. Speaking in buzz words such as “psychopath” or “narcissist” is to speak with semaphores, abstractions. You assume meaning is implied. Remember, for example, that people visualize different shades of color when you say “red” or “blue.” That’s why we say “crimson,” “scarlet,” “vermillion,” “azure,” “cerulean,” or “sky.” We try to be specific when we describe color in order to communicate accurately. Why not be as specific as possible when describing your own reactions?

Another possible reason for using terms like these is because it might seem more educated to call someone a psychopath rather than a thoughtless and selfish bully. If you really understand something well, however, you are able to explain it to a child. Using impressive words sometimes masks insecurities, and it can also be an unconscious attempt to deflect attention from otherwise vague understanding.

It is not just the language of mental health that gets eviscerated and co-opted in this manner. People often claim that something begs the question, for example, which is a term borrowed from formal logic. (To “beg the question” means to “assume something you’re trying to prove,” instead of proving it. It doesn’t mean forcing the question.)

People say someone is “libel” when they mean responsible, which no doubt makes lawyers cringe. And you hear climate change disparaged as “just a theory,” a dismissal that demonstrates a miscomprehension of the scientific method.

It is difficult to look at any news source without stumbling upon a discussion of the supposed narcissism of Donald Trump. Is it inaccurate to use this word when talking about the Republican candidate for presidency of the United States? His behavior suggests there is a reason the word “narcissist” seems to be everywhere these days. I suggest there are better, more specific words that would describe it with undeniable precision. No diagnosis is required to speak about him in meaningful terms.

When you hear Trump speak, what do you feel? What do you think? When you watch his posture and gestures, what is your reaction? What thoughts does his presentation evoke from you? This is interesting stuff. This is what your friends want to know about you. By providing it, you give them permission to go deeper in their own comments and articulate their own personal responses with greater discernment.

Anyone can apply insight to watching Donald Trump and describe his manner, behavior, and persistent views with knife-like accuracy. Borrowing clinical terms actually dilutes this accuracy. Go for articulating your opinion in your own meaningful language instead.

The Goldwater rule is the colloquial name of an aspect of medical ethics that the American Psychiatric Association developed after certain psychiatrists put forward their purported psychological evaluations of Barry Goldwater, the Republican candidate for the presidency in 1964. These psychiatrists claimed that because of his mental status, he was not fit to be president. He sued for libel and won.

APA ethics have since required diagnoses to be made only when someone is a patient or client, rather than based upon observations of someone in the public eye. This makes many mental health professionals duly wary about making public declarations.

It is certainly worth examining our daily language for hollow words such as “narcissist.” For example, is it really so bad to say “selfish”? Or to describe the way a person’s behavior hurt you or damaged someone else? Speaking your own truth is more powerful than any borrowed term could ever be.

It is clear that times have changed since 1964, when America had three television channels. Today, we have access to so much information about public figures that it is possible to get a profound sense of who a person is without actually having met. In fact, with the current Republican candidate for president, it is likely that mental health professionals know more about him than they know about the interactions and lives of some of the people they meet with in their offices.

So what does this mean with regard to the term “narcissism”?

First of all, there really is a clinical diagnosis called narcissistic personality disorder. Like the other personality issues, it is descriptive of pervasively distressing characteristics which impede an individual’s ability to live a fulfilling and healthy life. Such a diagnosis can be devastating, whether accepted by an individual or denied. It is a difficult path to change. Emotional wreckage lies in the wake of such persons over the course of their lives.

For clinicians who wonder about Trump, for example, there is no shortage of conversation among peers. There is plenty of material to discuss. Whether the APA Goldwater rule should be reviewed seems a fair question, considering so much accurate personal information is available. We can watch people we don’t know personally speak and interact in public. Still, most mental health professionals remain reticent about going public with their thoughts on this subject.

It is certainly worth examining our daily language for hollow words such as “narcissist.” For example, is it really so bad to say “selfish“? Or to describe the way a person’s behavior hurt you or damaged someone else? Speaking your own truth is more powerful than any borrowed term could ever be. Also, your well-considered personal statements convey more information than a word that each person is likely to interpret in a different way. The more code words, such as “narcissist,” we add to our speech, the less likely we are to be fully understood.

The mitigating fact for psychotherapists and other mental health professionals is always this: we can never truly know all that goes on inside the mind and life of another person. We study and train for years and then pass licensure examinations in order to have the privilege of offering what we hope are helpful observations to the people who come to us for help. Good psychotherapists live in deep humility, aware of the great gift of trust placed in them by people in distress.

If we refrain from making cavalier diagnoses, might it not be prudent also for nonprofessionals to consider doing the same? And if the goal of communication is to convey thoughts and feelings and observations to another person as fully as possible, why not go for the accuracy that your own personal vocabulary is able to provide? Describe. Explain. No diagnostic language is necessary. Most people would better understand your own definition of bullying and your views about a person who bullies than they would your description of the same person as “narcissistic.”

When you come home at the end of a workday, do you notice a difference in how the evening goes depending on how you and your partner greet each other? Similarly, do you notice any patterns in the outcome of an argument with your partner based on how the issue is presented? Those first few minutes can have a terrific impact on how the rest of that exchange, and the next several hours, may go, and may ultimately set up your relationship for success or failure.

The First 4 Minutes Together

Imagine walking in the door to your partner handing you a stack of bills and then turning to a household chore while they tell you the oil light in the car is on again, the dentist says one of the children needs braces, and an extended family member you do not look forward to seeing is visiting next week. Or worse, your partner greets you by telling you all the ways you disappoint them.

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Now imagine walking in the door, seeking out your partner wherever they are, and—before discussing the latest family news or obligations—taking a few minutes to sit close while you both talk about how good it is to see each other and how you are glad to be sharing life together. Or better, add a few kisses and hugs to the greeting.

Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) believe the first 4 minutes when a couple awaken together, and the first 4 minutes after returning to each other at the end the workday, are critical to the success or failure of the partnership. If, for example, a couple begins each day with complaining, listing the trivial tasks to accomplish that day, or insisting one partner cannot talk to the other until after the third cup of coffee, this sets a negative tone for the day that over time erodes the warm, loving feelings between the couple. If, on the other hand, the morning’s opening minutes are spent on something mutually pleasurable, such as caressing or rubbing a partner’s back or neck while gently saying, “Good morning,” it reinforces the foundation of the partnership.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) also believe the 4 minutes when many couples meet at the end of a workday are an opportunity to renew the most gratifying feelings they have for each other. As an experiment, try this with your partner by talking about what would help you each feel more connected. Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Couples who have less aligned work schedules may need to be more creative. Those who work vastly different schedules, such as one works days and the other nights, may schedule a few minutes when they pass each other at home. Similarly, couples including a partner who travels a majority of the time may want to select an appointed time to talk for a few minutes, and stick to a plan to spend the first few minutes renewing positive feelings for each other.

The First 3 Minutes of Conflict

How important are the first few minutes of a conflict with your partner? In one of the many studies on couples performed by The Gottman Institute, Carrére and Gottman (1999) observed 124 newlywed couples, married for the first time for less than six months, to learn if it was possible to predict divorce or marital stability based on how a couple interacted in a conflict. The couples were video recorded while participating in a marital interaction session in which they were asked to discuss a marital issue that was ongoing along with two recall sessions in which the couple viewed their initial session. The couples completed questionnaires and were followed up with annually for between four and six years.

The results were fascinating. Using quantitative data of the couples’ affect, it was possible to predict whether the couples would divorce or remain married by observing just the first 3 minutes of interaction in conflict. If, for example, issues were introduced as complaints about a specific behavior, the receiving partner was less likely to respond defensively or negatively, and the couple was more likely to report marital stability years later. If, on the other hand, issues were presented with criticism of the partner that suggested the partner is bad or wrong in some way, the couple was more likely to divorce.

What This All Means

While the entire interaction with a partner matters, the first few minutes can be crucial. By allocating a few minutes at critical times in your day to let your partner know you are on their side, and by being more thoughtful about how you present concerns, it is possible to create a more loving, lasting bond.

References:

1. Carrére, S. and Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3). Retrieved from http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Predicting-Divorce-among-Newlyweds-from-the-First-Three-Minutes-of-a-Marital-Conflict-Discussion.pdf
2. Zunin, L. & Zunin, N. (1972). Contact: The first four minutes. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.