Do you spend too much time on other people’s problems?

You lead a busy lifestyle and you have plenty of problems of your own to solve. But have you ever noticed how much time you spend solving other people’s problems? Perhaps while you’re trying to reply to a few emails, your coworker stops by to complain about his neighbor—again. Or maybe your roommate is always telling you about her various dating escapades without noticing that you’re in the middle of something.

In therapy sessions, one of the first things I find myself doing is helping people focus on their own lives and stop trying to solve other people’s problems. I sometimes call others’ problems “hot potatoes” because they often feel urgent, which reminds me of the game we play with kids—passing the potato around until the music stops. Nobody wants to be left holding the hot potato, especially if it doesn’t belong to you.

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If you are a parent, friend, coworker, or roommate, you hear your share of other people’s problems. It takes practice to learn to deflect the hot potato. We all know what it looks like: someone dumps a problem on your lap and looks at you with hopeful eyes. It’s my job, in part, to help people through these problems and feel better. I am happy to listen to hot potatoes and am trained to help address them, relying on my professional experience and skill set.

But for people who don’t do what I do, it can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life. Here are two ideas for passing a problem back to its owner:

1. When someone shares problems with you, remember that it is not always an invitation to help the person problem-solve. Are you being paid to solve this problem? Often, the other person just wants to vent and you need do nothing more than nod and attempt to show genuine empathy and understanding. Some good responses are, “That sounds difficult,” “How frustrating,” or, “That would upset me, too.” These validating responses are usually much appreciated when accompanied by active listening, with no further action typically necessary.
2. When you attempt to solve someone else’s problem by giving advice or offering action, remember that you don’t want to rob the other person of the opportunity to use their own skills. This is especially important for parents to understand. When your child comes to you with a problem about school, a friend, or anything else, your first response after listening carefully and empathizing should be something along the lines of, “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This is, of course, if venting alone does not solve the problem, which it often does.) Give your child a chance to solve the problem. You’ll be surprised at how often kids come up with satisfactory answers. Since the world is not engineered to be problem-free for anyone, it is a wonderful thing when kids learn that they have good ideas and can take initiative, with parental support, in problem solving.

It can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” works well with roommates and friends, too. Instead of putting your own spin on someone else’s problem, let the person be the one to throw out ideas while you relax and listen. It takes practice, but it will bring you appreciation of others’ thought processes as well as free you from the frustration of being asked for advice that ultimately isn’t taken.

Letting others solve their problems gives you a chance to work on your listening and empathizing skills. You don’t have to be attached to outcomes of others’ situations, since you didn’t provide any hopes, promises, or directions. And think about how gratifying it is to help bring out others’ strengths just by allowing them the opportunity to identify and draw on them. Solution-focused therapy uses these methods as part of its core philosophy. I can’t take away someone’s problems, but I am confident that I can help most people identify and build the skills they need using their own strengths.

When you free yourself from stressing over other people’s problems and hand them back their own hot potatoes, you will find yourself with more time, energy, and emotional resources to take care of yourself. If you need help figuring out which hot potatoes are worth tossing back and which are yours to handle, seek the help of a qualified therapist.

When I work with parents of teenagers, our conversations inevitably turn toward discipline.

“How do get my teen to follow the rules?”

“My teen won’t clean up after himself. What should I do?”

“Nothing I do seems to have any effect on her!”

Discipline with teenagers is complicated. They are at an age where it is important to give them more freedom and responsibility, but many parents feel like they have few tools at their disposal to hold teens accountable. When they were toddlers, a simple “timeout” often sufficed, but now that they are teenagers the solutions don’t feel so simple.

One of the moms at a recent mother-daughter workshop asked me for advice about how to get her daughter to stop being so mean to her little brother. She gets annoyed with him easily and ends up yelling or even pushing and hitting him. I asked her what her usual reaction is, and she said, “I take away her phone for a few days”—a common, seemingly reasonable punishment. Then I asked the mom, “So how well does that work?” Her answer was something I hear from parents all the time: it works until the punishment is lifted, but then the behavior starts up again.

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The Difference Between Punishments and Consequences

That’s the problem with some favorite go-to punishments—they make the teen suffer for a little while, but they have little impact on changing the behavior. To create consequences that are more effective, it is important to start with understanding the difference between punishments and consequences. They are not the same. They serve very different purposes, and create very different results.

Punishments are used to impose suffering of some kind and to make it clear who is in control. They are often unrelated to the problem behavior (taking away a phone because your teen was mean to her brother, for example), and they are most often given in moments of anger and frustration. The result of most punishments is that it instills fear and resentment, it makes teens reluctant to admit their mistakes, and most importantly, it has little, if any, effect on future behavior.

Consequences, on the other hand, are designed to teach teens to learn from their mistakes. They encourage good behavior, and teach teens to engage in more proactive problem solving. Ideally, consequences end up teaching teens that they are in control of, and responsible for, their behavior.

Discipline with teenagers is complicated. They are at an age where it is important to give them more freedom and responsibility, but many parents feel like they have few tools at their disposal to hold teens accountable.

How Does That Work in Real Life?

So, what does that look like in the real world? Here are some examples of how you can start using more effective consequences with your family.

Your teen hasn’t been doing chores around the house. Dirty dishes are left in the living room. Dirty towels are left on the bathroom floor, etc.

Instead of: Yelling, lecturing, nagging, taking away the phone, or grounding him …

Try this: Your teen is not respecting your home or taking care of his responsibilities. For one week, he will be responsible for doing ALL family dishes and ALL family laundry. The goal is to understand the effort it takes to take care of a home and learn to respect his role in keeping the house clean.

Your teen is constantly fighting/bickering with her younger brother. She sometimes gets so annoyed with him that she hits or pushes him.

Instead of: Taking away her phone, grounding her for the weekend, or yelling at her …

Try this: In order to repair the harm she has caused in this relationship, your daughter needs to spend time with her little brother—take him to the park, watch a movie with him, read him a story before bed, etc. The goal is to repair the relationship and to learn that her brother doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Your teen tells you they failed a test at school.

Instead of: Taking away the phone, grounding them for the weekend, or making them spend all day in the library studying …

Try this: Ask them what the plan is moving forward. Allow your teen to create a plan—talk with the teacher, stay after school for help, ask to retake the test, etc. After they have developed a plan, ask how you can support them. Do they need your help communicating with the teacher? Do they need your help studying? But allow them to create the plan on their own, because this will help them learn they, not you, are responsible for their grades.

Did you notice the favored punishments are often to take away electronics or grounding? There’s a reason parents turn to those so often. They can serve as a great punishment because many teens place such a high value on communicating with friends. These punishments have an initial shock value and serve to make the teen suffer a little and pay attention to what they have done. I am not recommending parents stop using this punishment. It can be very effective to take away a phone or limit a teen’s freedom for the weekend. But it is important to understand that these tactics alone will not have a lasting effect on behavior. As parents, we need to pair these simple punishments with more meaningful consequences if we want our teens to become more aware of their behavior and make lasting changes.

As you decide on a consequence for your teen, remember to ask yourself: what do I want my child to learn from this? Because teaching our teens to reflect, learn from mistakes, and take more responsibility for their actions is ultimately the goal.

It is not unusual for well-meaning parents to use their influence to try to mold their children into their ideal of a “successful” person. But when parents are not welcoming of the child’s own wishes and desires, the child can become trapped in following the dictates of the family blueprint for his or her life. If the message to the child, either directly or subtly, is that differences and conflict are unacceptable, the child may become emotionally unable to express and tolerate conflict with parents. When negative feelings cannot comfortably be expressed in a direct way, they often find an unconscious outlet in behavior. Specifically, the child may unconsciously deprive the parents of what makes them feel like good parents by sabotaging his or her own success.

Fred felt unsuccessful. He was 29 years old and felt like a failure in his relationships with women and was confused about how he felt about his work life. He described a sense of dissatisfaction and discomfort: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel crappy all the time. I’ve been dating Sally for three months, but I don’t really know what I feel about her. I don’t know how I feel about my job. I know I don’t like going to work. I don’t think I’m a very good lawyer. I don’t know if it’s the firm or me. Probably me. I’m stuck and clueless about what I want and I can’t unstick myself from the status quo.”

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As I became familiar with Fred’s life story, I learned that from the time he was born, his parents assumed he would follow his father and become a lawyer. Fred understood this from an early age. He described how his father would tell him that when he grew up they would work together. Fred’s parents guided him through all the “right” extracurricular activities, private schools, and college prep tutors to make sure he would get into the best college on his path to law school.

“They insisted I be on the debate team in high school. I actually didn’t like debating because my father typically engaged me, especially at dinner, in what felt like some kind of test or debate about current events,” Fred recalled. “He explained that this was necessary to help me hone my skills to be a lawyer. He always seemed so excited when he talked about my future as a lawyer. Even if I wasn’t sure, I knew that I could rely on him to know what was best for me. I pretty much didn’t think about it. I went to law school after college. Then my father got me a job at his friend’s law firm. He said he thought I should work there for a few years before joining his firm. So that’s what I did. I’ve been there for three years. I almost got fired after I messed up with a couple of clients. It really upset my father and he told me I need to stay there before I come work with him so I can turn my mediocre performance around.”

Fred seemed quite resigned to his situation.

“I can’t imagine what else I could do with my life,” he said. “My parents have done an amazing job of preparing me for this career. If I ever say that I’m not good at this or that and maybe I should think about something else, my mother gets teary. She says things like, ‘I don’t know what I did wrong that you don’t have any confidence in yourself.’ My father just gives me a pep talk, but it always sound like he’s disappointed in me. I usually end up feeling guilty and then I just don’t want to talk about it with them. But no one can help me figure anything out as well as they can. So I keep talking.”

As I listened to Fred during our sessions, I was very aware that there was inevitably some reference to a critical or disappointed comment from one or both of his parents. I remarked to Fred: “I notice that your parents sometimes respond to you with upset, disappointment, or criticism. How does this impact you?”

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn’t have the internal resources to know what he wanted.

Fred looked surprised: “That’s how they keep me on the straight and narrow.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“They want me to stay on course—to become a better lawyer, to settle down and have a family,” he said. “I can’t seem to get it together to do that.”

“Do you ever wonder if that is what you want or do you ever let yourself have fantasies of being on your own path?” I wondered.

“I don’t really let myself go there,” Fred replied. “They know what’s best. I don’t like to get into disagreements with my parents. It upsets them and then it upsets me.”

“What’s it like for you to be upset when you have disagreements with your parents?” I asked.

“It’s scary,” he said. “They sometimes get angry with me. I feel like I’ve done something terrible to them—really hurt them. My father gets cold, and my mother cries. I feel so guilty and it feels like I’ve chased them away.”

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn’t have the internal resources to know what he wanted. He relied totally on his parents for direction and reassurance that he was OK. His parents have fostered his dependency by making it too frightening for him to assert himself against their wishes for his life. My understanding of the relationship between Fred and his parents became central to our work.

I was concerned about the consequences of Fred’s inability to express any anger or disappointment to his parents about their role in directing his life. His inability to extricate himself from their involvement was interfering with Fred’s ability to become a separate person who knows what he wants and how to get it. My thoughts about Fred and his relationship to his parents led me to the hypothesis that Fred’s lack of “success” in life was an unconscious expression of his negative feelings toward his parents. I thought it reasonable to consider that as long as Fred was “unsuccessful,” he would be depriving his parents of good feelings. They wouldn’t be able to take credit for their successful son. Perhaps this was the safest way for Fred to express his discontent without having to manage the consequences of directly disclosing his feelings. He couldn’t tolerate acknowledging to himself or to his parents that they had interfered with his ability to become a “successful” person who could make choices and assert what he wants.

I believed my hypothesis was probably correct, but I was certain that Fred wasn’t ready to consider it. I was open to the possibility that other hypotheses would emerge as we continued our work. For now, we had to focus on how Fred could get more comfortable with his anger so that he could stop his unconscious attacks on his parents and himself.

Assessing our work, I was clear that we would have to continue to go slowly in order for Fred to make progress. He relied so heavily on his parents for good self-feelings that I didn’t want to prematurely interfere with the importance of them in his life. I felt it was important to express appreciation for their intentions and not to criticize his parents. Cautiously and slowly, I hoped I could help Fred consider that in spite of their well-meant help, he hadn’t been given the opportunity to develop a sense of self and an identity that might be different from what his parents wished. Hopefully, Fred’s anger at the consequences of his parents’ behaviors could be titrated so that in very small doses he could allow himself to tolerate the feelings and gradually be comfortable with them.

As Fred and I move forward with his treatment, there has been some movement toward better self-feelings. Fred continues at the law firm and occasionally reports feelings of satisfaction about his work. He is still anxious about his next evaluation, but is talking less to his father about his worries and more to Sally, who he continues to date. In our session last week, he expressed some irritation toward his mother when she teared up because he told her he had plans with friends when she invited him for dinner.

Fred and I have been spending more time in our sessions talking about his uncertainty in his relationship with Sally. I have suggested to Fred that he might be disappointed with me for not helping him get clearer about his feelings and what he wants. While Fred hasn’t committed to expressing that I’ve disappointed him, he has responded: “You know it’s me, not you. Well, maybe you could do more.”

It may not seem like a significant response, but this was the first time (I’ve asked before) that Fred has considered my being a disappointment to him. I believe that Fred’s ability to express negativity toward me and get comfortable with his disappointment (and any other negative feelings) will be useful in helping him tolerate these feelings with his parents.

Eventually, I hope Fred and I get to a place where I can tell him about—and he can consider—my hypothesis that his unconscious anger is operating to defeat himself and his parents.

Small steps can lead to big ones. We will keep talking.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Would you work a highly demanding, fast-paced job Monday through Friday from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m., take a small break, then work another job that requires intense focus both mentally and physically from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m.? Let’s say the pay sucked. Advancement was dependent on performance, and your coworkers were sometimes enemies. In addition, you had only 20 minutes to eat lunch in a loud, chaotic environment.

Sound appealing? I didn’t think so. But yet we ask our children to do it. Welcome to high school 2015.

Today’s kids are being asked—required, more like—to work in this kind of system. The amount of academic work in a given day, added onto extracurricular activities and homework, has reached an all-time back-breaking load.

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There is a general understanding with kids and parents today: The academic world has changed. When many parents today were in high school, they had homework, yes; but they also had part-time jobs, friends, went to social events, and basically had a life. An academically advanced high school student now has no time for going to the mall with friends, no time for a part-time job (unless he or she gives up a sport or other pursuit), and no time for rest and reflection. Add in social media with its false sense of connection and, simply put, teens are struggling with stress, anxiety, and depression at much higher rates than was experienced 30 years ago. The intended effect of helping our children compete globally by increasing curricula has indeed come at a cost.

Homework, hard work, and perseverance are all good things. Teens should learn to handle tough stuff. But should they learn it while being prescribed antianxiety medication to quell rising fear about not getting into the “right” college? Should they learn it while being prescribed antidepressants because they can’t imagine a happy future given their overwhelmed present?

We as parents and academia are missing the point: We cannot continue to ask teens to handle all of this without giving them the tools to handle it.

Here are eight ways to help your teen:

1. Ask about school pressures and then listen with the intention of understanding, not responding and judging. Ask your teen, “What’s it like to be you?”
2. Identify what is causing the most stress in your teen’s life. Is it a specific class, a certain friend, pressure from you? Your teen will answer honestly only if you are listening without judgment.
3. Check yourself. How are you handling stress in your life? If the answer is not very well, then this is a great time to learn better stress management for you and your teen. He or she is watching you.
4. Teach your teen time management and being focused without distraction.
5. Teach relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, stretching, walking, playing with the dog, drawing, or meditation.
6. Communicate with a teacher, the school, or the coach (make sure your teen knows you are doing this) to gain further insight into what’s happening. Sometimes this small act can make a huge impact.
7. Reduce pressure by discussing your expectations of your teen. Most teens think their parents want them to go to Harvard, but most parents just want their kids to be happy. Talk about it. Are you part of the problem?
8. Spend time with your teen doing fun things!

The goal of parenting and educating is to raise responsible and resilient kids. In today’s academic environment, mixed with social changes and pressure, childhood is becoming a stressful phase of life. It is our obligation to empower and teach our children both academically and emotionally how to navigate the challenges.

Reference:

Increased levels of anxiety and depression as teenage experience changes over time. (2012, March 14). Nuffield Foundation. Retrieved from http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/increased-levels-anxiety-and-depression-teenage-experience-changes-over-time

Pop quiz: What do the moon landings, the JFK assassination, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks have in common?

Give up?

While each event touched the lives of millions of people and left indelible marks on American history, there is a third similarity: these events were all staged … or so some people who believe in conspiracy theories may argue.

Conspiracy theories posit that people, groups, organizations, or governments deliberately withhold or cover up the truth surrounding events and situations. While conspiracy theories typically lack the concrete evidence of more conventional explanations, they nevertheless exist and are upheld within a percentage of the population. Perhaps you’re not losing sleep over an alleged alien spacecraft hidden somewhere near Roswell, New Mexico or deadly diseases supposedly manufactured as a means of population control, but some people are convinced that those in authority are working together to conceal the truth surrounding certain events.

For some, there might be comfort in thinking they know something most people don’t, but that doesn’t mean the fringe is a comfortable place to be. For people who believe in explanations that differ from the mainstream or the historical record, their mental health may be called into question.

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Mistrust Isn’t Always Misplaced

There is a rich history of conspiracy theories in the United States, partly because its democratic society allows for free speech, partly because of its robust and shadowy intelligence community, and partly because, well, conspiracies in America have been uncovered before.

During the Cold War, for example, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) conducted illegal scientific research to see if it could control people’s minds. The CIA used LSD, hypnosis, and biological agents on people, often without their knowledge, to study how it affected their behavior. The program was conducted over two decades, enlisted the help of top researchers at more than 30 universities, and cost American taxpayers more than $20 million.

While to many people that may sound like a far-fetched idea cooked up on a conspiracy theory website, the program was called Project MK-ULTRA and was uncovered by an investigation headed by Senator Frank Church and Vice President Nelson Rockefeller in 1975.

People who are believers in conspiracy theories are correct in their assertion that things are not always as they seem.

Conspiracies and Public Perception

Conspiracy theories are often assumed to be the paranoid delusions of a troubled minority. However, a national survey published in April 2013 by Public Policy Polling shows that as many as 21% of Americans believe that an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, and that the government covered it up.

Some other results from the poll include:

• 5% of voters believe that Paul McCartney died in 1966
• 7% of voters believe the moon landing was faked
• 9% of voters believe the government adds fluoride to the water supply for sinister reasons
• 15% of voters believe that new diseases are invented by the medical and pharmaceutical industries for profit
• 20% of voters believe there is a link between childhood vaccines and autism

Although it can be assumed that some people who believe in conspiracy theories have mental health conditions that factor into their perceptions of reality, many people who can think rationally and whose mental health has never been compromised hold tight to conspiracy theories.

Why is that?

Cass Sunstein, a law professor at Harvard, former administrator of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, and author of Conspiracy Theories and Other Dangerous Ideas, said in an interview with U.S. News & World Report: “Under conditions of fear or anger, as for example following a bad event, people want to find a cause, and they also want to resolve their own uncertainty. So if you’ve seen an assassination, or a terrible economic downturn or a missing plane, there may be an inclination to posit an agent who’s behind it.”

Many conspiracy theories are created simply to explain things that may seem unexplainable. Some researchers believe they fulfill important social functions or psychological needs. They may give believers higher self-esteem by making them feel superior to others who think differently; they offer people perceived power over events in which they have no influence; and they can help believers make sense of trauma, tragedy, and catastrophe.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public. Also, it’s easier than ever to find people who share your views; conspiracy theories tend to spread easily on the Internet among like-minded populations that readily accept them. They can perpetuate good, bad, or indifference, depending on who receives them.

Building the Belief: Is It All a Conspiracy?

While many people tend to keep an open mind about major world events, someone who is labeled a “conspiracy theorist” may construct and maintain a worldview that is defined by conspiracies. He or she may display what psychologists refer to as a “monological belief system” wherein unexplained events are perceived as being part of a master plan. Alternative explanations are typically rejected outright. For some, conspiracies are seen everywhere, in anything and everything. In fact, one of the greatest predictors of whether someone will believe a conspiracy theory is if he or she already believes other conspiracy theories.

A study by Wood et al. (2011) illustrates that some who believe in conspiracy theories can even reconcile contradicting theories if there is coherence with a strongly held worldview. For example, the study showed that the more people believed Osama bin Laden was already dead when he was found by U.S. troops, the more they believed he is still alive. While the theories clearly contradict each other, both are consistent with the basic worldview that officialdom is fundamentally deceptive.

Studies have found that conspiracy theories are difficult to shed. If evidence to the contrary is presented, people who believe in conspiracy theories typically reason that the evidence was planted or invented to placate skeptics.

Skepticism is often warranted—in fact, it’s the foundation of the media’s role as a government watchdog. But when distrust of that media runs rampant, skepticism is compounded. When the facts are in doubt, people may be inclined to develop beliefs that fit self-serving narratives.

Calling someone a conspiracy theorist can serve as a social mechanism to discredit or exclude that person’s viewpoint. It is sometimes easier to call a person a conspiracy theorist than it is to address his or her questions and concerns, which may further isolate someone who believes in a conspiracy theory.

The Bottom Line

Although people who believe in conspiracy theories may be dismissed or derided by some people as “crazy,” the prevalence of conspiracy theories in American culture and the rest of the world suggests that most people who believe in conspiracy theories are not experiencing some kind of psychopathology. For its part, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders draws no direct link between belief in conspiracy theories and mental health issues. However, some people who believe intensely or even casually in conspiracy theories may also be experiencing mental health issues such as paranoia, schizophrenia, narcissism, delusions, anxiety, or trust issues that affect their everyday lives. Some of these issues have been found to be more prevalent among people who believe in conspiracy theories.

Most people who believe in conspiracy theories are harmless participants in a widespread social phenomenon, but how they act (or don’t act) on their beliefs can have far-reaching social consequences. For example, research shows that some populations who believe in conspiracy theories are less likely to use condoms, seek HIV treatment, take action against climate change, and vaccinate their children.

If mental health conditions are present that make it difficult to distinguish reality from fears and unsettling thoughts, therapy—perhaps in combination with medication—may help. If you or someone you know is experiencing troublesome thoughts beyond what you believe to be healthy, seeking the help of a mental health professional can be a great place to start. Therapy can help a person identify factors that may have contributed to his or her worldview, for better or for worse, as well as what type of treatment and support may be best for addressing any related conditions.

Labeling any person as “crazy”—regardless of his or her thoughts or beliefs—can result in negative effects. For example, calling someone crazy may cause emotional or psychological pain, contribute to the marginalization or dehumanization of certain individuals or groups, or exacerbate stigma surrounding mental health conditions.

References:

1. Douglas, K. M., Sutton, R. M., and Wood, M. J. (2011). Dead and alive: Beliefs in contradictory conspiracy theories. Social Psychology and Personality Science, 3(6), 767-773.
2. Morella, M. (2014, April 21). The Normal Life of Crazy Conspiracy Theories. S. News & World Report. Retrieved from http://www.usnews.com/opinion/articles/2014/04/21/cass-sunstein-explains-why-people-believe-conspiracy-theories
3. Project MKULTRA, The CIA’s Program of Research in Behavioral Modification. 95^th 1 (1977).
4. Rawlings, N. (2010, August). Top 10 Weird Government Secrets. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2008962_2008964_2008992,00.html.
5. Swami, V., & Coles, R. (2010). The truth is out there. The Psychologist, 23(7), 560-563.

It’s the big question women and men who experience infertility or secondary infertility (infertility after the loss of a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth) ask: “I can’t have kids, so now what?”

Common questions and fears people have when they learn they can’t have kids include:

I always expected to have children and all my life plans included them. What do I do now?

Who am I if I don’t get to be a parent?

Who am I if I don’t get to raise a living child?

How do I live a fulfilled, happy life when the one I had planned was taken away from me?

Learning you can’t have kids, either for medical reasons or because you just aren’t willing to risk the death of another baby, can create a crisis of identity in even the most balanced and self-assured people.

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So when your plans for life drop out from under your feet and you lose your sense of self, what do you do?

Allow Yourself to Grieve

First and foremost, you need to grieve. Allow yourself to grieve for all the various aspects of this loss. Grieve for:

• The children you always dreamed of raising and will never know.
• The life you had always planned to live.
• The mother or father you expected to be.
• The loss of the certainty and innocence of life.

When children are strongly desired and you learn you can’t have them, it is a deep and profound loss. It requires the process of grieving every bit as much as the death of a loved one does.

Remind Yourself Healing Is a Process, Not an Event

The loss of the dream to have children is big. It leaves an emptiness that feels enormous and endless. Pretending that feeling of emptiness isn’t there would be counterproductive. Lying to oneself never helps matters. Trying to fill that massive expanse in your life left by the children you will never know can feel daunting and overwhelming.

When children are strongly desired and you learn you can’t have them, it is a deep and profound loss. It requires the process of grieving every bit as much as the death of a loved one does.

Be gentle with yourself and don’t pressure yourself to fill that gap immediately. As counterintuitive as it seems, befriend that empty space in your heart. Feel into the spaciousness and find the edges of it. Explore what that loss and emptiness feels like in your body.

This empty feeling is not your enemy. It’s a natural response to this deep and profound loss. This emptiness is a necessary part of healing.

Healing from this loss and creating a life that feels fulfilling and happy won’t happen overnight. It may take years of work and intention. It will be a process of grieving and redefining your life and creating a new identity, but it can and will slowly start to lighten over time.

Find Comfort in the Little Things

True healing is an intentional process. You have to choose to want to heal and take steps toward that. Seek comfort and healing in the little things in life.

Consider starting a gratitude jar and writing down one thing each day that you are grateful for. These don’t have to be big or insightful things; they can be as simple as being grateful for your coffee in the morning or the sunshine on your face.

Allow yourself to notice and appreciate the things about your life that perhaps you wouldn’t be able to enjoy if you had been able to have children. This doesn’t dismiss your longing or love for your children who died or never were. As humans, we are powerful beings, and we have space to both miss what could have been and be appreciative for what is.

Buy yourself flowers.

Sip and enjoy a good cup of coffee or hot cocoa.

Go for a walk in the woods.

Watch your favorite movie or read your favorite book.

Engage in activities that bring even a small amount of light and beauty into your life.

Give Yourself the Gift of Support

If you are fortunate enough to have family or friends who “get” this kind of loss and can be supportive, lean on them. Allow them to be there for you and to love you.

Seek out support groups, women’s groups, or men’s groups to surround yourself with others who can support and encourage you on your journey.

Find a counselor or mentor who will help you walk this rocky, painful path of recreating your sense of self and expectation for life.

Sometimes, finding the right support takes work. You deserve, however, to be supported and loved as you grieve.

Making Meaning Out of Your Life

It’s not about finding a reason why this may have happened. The cliché “there’s a reason for everything” isn’t really all that helpful to many people.

However, choosing to make meaning out of the events of our lives is empowering and healing. Decide what you want to make this loss mean in your life. Decide how you want to use it to create a new life going forward.

Life isn’t what you expected it to be. You may not get to be the person you wanted and planned to be. Choose to make this unexpected and unplanned life meaningful and fulfilling anyway.

You can’t bear children. That is painful and heartbreaking, but it is still possible to live a meaningful, fulfilling, and happy life.

Recent statistics show that the average couple experiencing difficulty waits six years to seek therapy, which may be too late for some couples, as 40 to 50% of marriages across the United States end in divorce. Some couples opt for marriage retreats in which a couple engages in intensive therapy over several days with the aim of reaching resolution and repair. Although they are often viewed as a “last chance” to save a marriage, marriage retreats are also attended by couples who are not facing conflict but simply wish to deepen the intimacy in their relationship.

On a retreat, couples can get away from their daily routines while attending therapy sessions that focus on their combined strengths and difficulties. The concept of the marriage retreat is depicted in a number of feature films that conflicted couples taking a break from their lives, either on a therapist-prescribed retreat or a more typical getaway, in an attempt to save their marriages. Unfortunately, media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

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How Does Hollywood Get It Wrong?

In film, marriage retreats are typically presented as lighthearted fun, potentially misleading viewers about the true nature of a marriage retreat. In an article for ABC News, Debra Margrave, who runs Sedona Soul Adventures with her husband, says that the goal of their marriage retreat is bringing people together, and that the “crazy stuff” in Hollywood movies is more comedic than factual. Cinematic portrayals of both the couples and the retreat itself are often idealized, made humorous, and belie the amount of real work necessary in couples therapy. Though infidelity and intimacy issues affect the fictional characters, and they seem able to reach forgiveness or move past the problems, the underlying causes are rarely addressed, meaning any progress made is likely only a temporary reprieve.

In reality, marital issues can often lead to mental health concerns, such as stress, anxiety, or depression. Although the 2012 romantic comedy Hope Springs shows a couple with intimacy issues who, through therapy, is able to repair their relationship after several failed efforts, most films, such as For Richer or Poorer (1997) and Why Did I Get Married (2007), emphasize the outrageousness or comedic value of a couple’s difficulties instead of focusing on the more realistic aspects of marital conflict that a couple in counseling is likely to face.

Media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

Communication issues affect many couples, and one of the goals of a retreat may be the exploration of better ways for a couple to reach one another. Because a marriage retreat places partners in a situation where they can focus solely on improving their relationship, couples may more easily work on developing better communication skills. In films, though, the couples featured often achieve insight by speaking to outsiders, or they spend time talking to friends about their partnerships and engaging in activities where the focus is not on building communication with partners.

When building and enhancing communication skills does not occur, any progress that a couple makes in their relationship is likely to be superficial rather than a lasting improvement. Take the films Why Did I Get Married and its sequel, Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), for example. Both films feature four couples attempting to work on their marital issues during a self-designed week-long retreat. They spend much of their time arguing, but at the end of each film, three out of four couples have resolved their issues and made up. The reparation of these marriages, shown to be troubled from the beginning of each film, seems to have occurred more from spontaneous revelations and apologies rather than actual communication and resolution. Couples who admit wrongs and apologize can resolve some difficulties by doing so, but those who experience the same types of conflict repeatedly may benefit from some sort of marital counseling.

Trustworthy Therapy Tactics Important

Richard Simon, editor of The Psychotherapy Networker, says in a New York Times article that couples therapy is widely acknowledged as one of the most difficult types of therapy. Therapy on a retreat may be even more difficult, as therapists generally do not have a prior relationship with the couples. Instead, therapists must discover areas of conflict and assist the couples through individual or group therapy, or both, to rebuild a strong relationship in only a short period of time. Therefore, a good therapist may be the most important component of a successful marriage retreat, but therapists depicted on screen are often not shown as realistic or entirely ethical.

The lead therapist in Couples Retreat is not completely honest about the true purpose of the resort the four couples in the movie visit, for example, and he forces three of the couples to attend therapy when they did not originally wish to. The 2014 film The One I Love also features an unethical therapist who traps couples repeatedly in a bizarre situation in an attempt to force them to work out their issues. Although this movie has a science fiction element and would likely not be considered to be realistic by many viewers, the portrayal of an unethical therapist might still lead some to be reluctant to seek marriage counseling or venture on a marriage retreat.

Marriage Retreats Not Necessarily Glamorous, Expensive

Marriage retreats may be appealing in part because they offer a change of scenery, bringing a new perspective with a new environment, but couples who cannot afford a trip to a mountain cabin, the Sedona desert, or a tropical island—the setting for Couples Retreat—might just as easily discuss factors affecting their partnership in a motel conference room or some similarly simple setting. Granted, a conference room does not offer the allure of a tropical island, but without distracting activities such as swimming with sharks, as the characters in Couples Retreat do, couples are free to focus on a faltering partnership.

A number of films depict partners who do not go on a formal retreat, but rather, find themselves in an unlikely situation that allows them to work on and save their marriage. For example, Wanderlust, a 2012 film, tells the story of a couple who is able to repair their troubled marriage after a two-week stay at a free love commune. And in For Richer or Poorer, a couple successfully saves their marriage after a short time living a simpler life in Amish country. These couples repair their marriages simply by rediscovering feelings of love for their respective partners. While some real couples may be able to repair their marriages in such a manner, the reality of marriage counseling is that it often takes time and hard work, which may be difficult or painful for one or both partners.

Although a marriage retreat might be beneficial to couples of any socioeconomic status, the majority of couples seen attempting marriage retreats in the media are all relatively affluent. Because films that show positive resolutions of marital difficulties may inspire some to attend therapy in hopes of resolving their own difficulties, better representation of a wider range of society is needed. Research shows that low income is a factor in many divorces, so the portrayal of high-income couples in the media may be both limiting and unrealistic.

There is also a general lack of diversity in Hollywood’s depiction of marriage retreats. White characters are prominent (though Why Did I Get Married? and its sequel have a black cast), and there is a clear tendency toward heteronormative relationships. Although in recent years, the number of non-heterosexual couples in the media has increased, the couples featured in films showing marriage retreats are heterosexual, which might give an impression of ignoring the existence of a significant portion of the population. Non-heterosexual couples are likely to face the same issues that heterosexual couples do, and their absence in the media contributes to the unrealistic portrayal of marriage retreats. What’s more, there is little variety in body type shown, a recurring area of concern in Hollywood films.

Can A Marriage Retreat Save Your Marriage?

Hollywood films appear to give the message that marriages can be fixed in a weekend, but this is often not the case. Marriage retreats seen in the media may seem fun, more like a vacation than counseling, but the truth is that a couples retreat, like couples counseling, can be intense and tough. Couples may find themselves facing confessions of infidelity, fading feelings, and other harsh truths. They may be able to resolve issues by building communication skills or by exploring ways to rekindle physical and emotional intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman of Orcas Island, Washington, state that couples will learn skills to “transform inevitable relationship conflicts into constructive problem solving and warmer understanding” on their two-day retreat. Some couples might achieve a different kind of clarity on the retreat and realize that their relationship may be best ended. No matter the case, retreats can be helpful to couples, both as a starting point to therapy and as a supplement to marital counseling.

Those considering a marriage retreat may wish to research the retreat itself, as well as the therapist conducting it. A marital counselor may also be able to recommend a retreat to an interested couple. The goals of any retreat and the services that are included, such as the amount of counseling hours provided as well as the type and length of sessions, should be clearly stated. Different types of retreats, with varying costs, are available to those who are interested: They might even be found close to one’s home. A trust-building exercise on jet-skis may seem like a fun activity, but it is not a realistic one for many couples. While a marriage retreat can still be enjoyable, it will often also be intense work that provides a basis for more work in the future.

References:

1. Gottman Private Couples Retreats. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.gottmancouplesretreats.com/default.aspx.
2. Hawkins, A., & Fackrell, T. (2009). How common is divorce and what are the reasons? In Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? Salt Lake City, Utah.
3. Mayerowitz, S. (2009, October 9). Couples Retreat: Movie vs. Reality, Meet the Real Relationship Experts. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/couples-retreat-movie-reality-meet-real-relationship-experts/story?id=8785604.
4. Miller, A. (2013). Can this marriage be saved? Monitor on Psychology, 44(4), 42-42.
5. Weil, E. (2012, March 2). Does Couples Therapy Work? Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?_r=0.

The notion that women are more emotional—and therefore less rational—than men can be found everywhere from self-help books to Internet message boards. Women’s supposed lack of rationality has been used to justify various forms of discrimination, and even to claim that women are less intelligent than men. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin argues not only that women are just as rational as men, but also that there is not a clear dichotomy between emotion and rationality.

Rationality Similar in Men and Women

Researchers presented 6,100 men and women with moral decisions about topics such as lying, abortion, murder, animal research, and torture. For example, one moral dilemma required participants to determine whether it would be acceptable to kill Adolf Hitler to save millions of lives, even if doing so meant killing him before he did anything wrong. Another questioned whether a police officer should be able to torture an alleged bomber to find explosives that could take many lives.

Study results demonstrate that both men and women assessed how various decisions might harm others, engaging in similar levels of rational analysis for each moral conundrum.

Women, Empathy, and Rationality

Historically, empathy and emotion have been treated as the antipode of reason and rationality. The study calls this into question. Researchers found that women displayed more empathy than men, and were more likely to have a “gut-level” negative reaction to harming others. For instance, a woman who agreed it was acceptable to kill Hitler might still feel upset about doing so. [fat_widget_right]

The researchers say their findings are consistent with previous research, which suggest that gender differences in cognitive abilities are either nonexistent or very small. They argue that their results show that emotion does not necessarily preclude rationality. Instead, it’s possible to experience empathy while also behaving rationally.

References:

Women think ‘as rationally’ as men – but also use more gut feeling. (2015, April 8). Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/292019.php

Last December, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn jumped in front of a tractor-trailer and died. Her online suicide note indicated that pressure to conform to the male gender assigned to her at birth played a role. Alcorn’s parents took her to a conversion therapist to “cure” her of being transgender. She also stated in her suicide note, “My death needs to mean something.” LGBT advocates responded with an outpouring of grief and a petition to enact “Leelah’s Law,” a law that would ban all attempts to change the sexual orientation or identity of LGBT people.

In response to the petition, the White House issued a public statement calling for an end to conversion therapies. “The overwhelming scientific evidence demonstrates that conversion therapy, especially when it is practiced on young people, is neither medically nor ethically appropriate and can cause substantial harm,” the statement read, adding that, “As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this Administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Mental Health Care: NAMI Report Finds Insurance Discrimination, Lack of Transparency Under Parity Laws

The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Act of 2008 requires some employer-backed insurers to provide equal coverage for mental and physical health care. According to a NAMI report, many insurers continue to ignore the law by routinely denying mental health benefits, charging high co-pays for mental health medications, and establishing extensive out-of-pocket costs for those in need of mental health services. 

Veterans Mental Health Bill Introduced in the Senate

The Prioritizing Veterans Access to Mental Health Care Act of 2015 promises to expand the Veterans Access, Choice and Accountability Act of 2014. The earlier law attempted to expand access to mental health care by allowing veterans who live more than 40 miles from a VA clinic to seek care outside the VA system. The new law attempts to fill holes in the old one by loosening the 40-mile rule incentivizing mental health care providers within the VA system. [fat_widget_left]

Impact of Domestic Violence on Women’s Mental Health

According to a study of 1,052 mothers, domestic violence endangers women’s mental health, not just their physical well-being. Women were only recruited for the study if they had no prior history of depression. During the study, a third reported suffering domestic violence. These women were also more likely to report a history of childhood abuse, early pregnancy, and poverty. Even when controlling for these factors, women exposed to domestic violence were twice as likely as other women to experience depression. They were three times as likely to develop symptoms of psychosis.

Texting Too Tempting for College Students Even When Inappropriate

Stories about young adults who constantly text frequently frame the behavior as a new communication style. According to a study from Pennsylvania State University, though, college students may text not because they want to, but because they can’t resist. Researchers surveyed college students about their views on and use of texting. While most agreed that texting while showering is socially unacceptable, 34% reported that they’d still do it. Students also agreed that texting while having sex or attending religious services was problematic. But 22% reported texting during religious services, and 7.4% admitted to texting during sex.

Ivy League School’s ‘Withdrawal Policy’ for Extremely Depressed Students Is Under Fire

Mental health issues can require time-consuming treatment, and psychological pain can make it difficult to complete even basic daily tasks. Yet Yale University places a significant burden on students who withdraw for mental health reasons. To re-enroll at Yale, students must complete two courses at another school, receiving a “B” average in the courses. They must also prove that they are “constructively occupied.” The second requirement, which was also the title of a Yale Daily News piece, has come under scrutiny for being needlessly vague. The piece also says that some students have been forced to withdraw for mental health reasons, with no guarantee they can later return.

New Treatment for Dementia Discovered: Deep Brain Stimulation

Deep brain stimulation, which has proven effective at treating neurological conditions such as Parkinson’s, may also effectively treat dementia. Researchers successfully used the process to generate new brain cells in middle-aged rats.

Lonely Seniors Visit Doctors More Often

According to a survey of 3,500 seniors, those who are chronically lonely are more likely to visit the doctor. The survey, conducted in 2008 and 2012, labeled any senior who reported high degrees of loneliness in both surveys as “chronically lonely.” Those seniors went to the doctor more, but were not more likely to be hospitalized, suggesting that loneliness—and not serious health problems—might explain the increase in medical visits.

1 in 10 Americans Has Anger Issues and Access to Guns: Survey

A national survey of 5,600 adults has found that many people with anger problems also have access to guns. Nearly 9% of survey respondents reported being “short-fused” and having access to firearms. And 1.5% of respondents with anger problems admitted to carrying guns outside their homes.

In recent decades, neuroscience and psychotherapy have joined forces in seeking to understand the biological bases of behavior. The brain is a complex organ, and as we study its function and adaptations we create a window of understanding into how our brains, bodies, and psyches respond to traumatic stimuli.

Have you ever heard of the triune brain? This is a simplified, three-part model of the brain, as originally explained by Dr. Daniel Siegel, that helps us to understand the neurological development of our species and clarifies both the reactions to and treatment of trauma.

Try this with me: Hold your dominant hand out in front of you. Have your palm facing you and look at your wrist and the base of your palm. We will call this your brain stem. (Stay with me now; we’ll explore what that means below.)

Now fold your thumb in toward your palm, as if you are signaling the number four with your extended fingers. This thumb will be your limbic brain. Lastly, cover your thumb with those four fingers, wrapping them over the thumb. This third part, the fingers, we’ll call the prefrontal cortex.

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Look at that: your brain is in your hands! You now have a portable brain model that you can carry with you and use to share this information with others. Now let’s explore the function of each of these three parts of the brain.

Your brain stem, located at the base of your neck at the top of your spinal cord, is the most primitive part of the brain. It governs the functions that keep you alive—your breathing, heart rate, and basic physiological functioning. Fight-or-flight responses involve this area in that they are automatic (not consciously chosen) responses to stress and traumatic situations.

Your limbic brain is where emotional responses register. When you get angry, reactive, or experience intense emotion, this area of the brain tends to have more activity. Scientists can actually see this on functional MRI brain scans.

Often, when trauma occurs we are captivated by the activity in the brain stem and limbic brain and our access to executive function feels difficult, if not impossible. Knowing this, we can make it a goal to reengage the prefrontal cortex in a helpful way.

Lastly, we come to your prefrontal cortex. This is the frontal lobe of the brain, that area just behind the skin and bone of your forehead. This is the area of executive function, the place in the brain where we make conscious decisions.

You may be wondering: how does all of this relate to trauma? Let’s start with what happens to these parts of the brain when something traumatic occurs. I mentioned earlier that the fight-or-flight response is not a conscious choice, but a biological reaction initiated in the brain stem area. Your body experiences the impulse to fight or flee (or freeze, as it may be). This trauma response feels, and is, out of your conscious control.

The limbic brain may hold intense emotion related to the traumatic experience—particularly when the trauma involves a relationship with another person. You may feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, or helpless.

Now here is the catch—and an opportunity for deep learning. Often, when trauma occurs we are captivated by the activity in the brain stem and limbic brain and our access to executive function feels difficult, if not impossible. Knowing this, we can make it a goal to reengage the prefrontal cortex in a helpful way. Here are some examples of how to practice this:

• Counting down from 10 to one when feeling angry.
• Looking around the room for objects of a certain color when feeling pulled into a traumatic memory.
• Bringing the focus of attention to your forehead, even by placing your thumb there to bring your attention to this area of your brain.

There are some therapeutic techniques of grounding and orienting that can help you to cope with some of the overwhelming emotions associated with trauma. Try them with small things in life—counting down from 10 to one while in traffic, looking for orange objects when you find yourself pulled into a past memory, or focusing on the center of your forehead as a point of meditation. These practices can help build your ability to access the prefrontal cortex during upsetting and even traumatic moments.

Remember, your brain is in your hands! You can look at this hand model any time by creating a fist with your thumb tucked in, then asking yourself, “What part of the brain am I living in?” This simple question begins to engage your prefrontal cortex. We know that our brains are resilient and respond to our thought patterns and habits, so the more you exercise your brain in this way, the stronger the neural connection can become. Cheers to you and your triune brain!

Reference:

Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York: Bantam Books.

The continuum of exposure to domestic violence ranges from chronic arguing and yelling to controlling behaviors, threats, and intimidation, to physical threats, threats of suicide or murder, to threats involving weapons, to serious injuries and fatal assaults. While domestic violence takes many forms, there is always a destructive undercurrent of power and control, with offenders commonly and compulsively grasping for in a surrogate what is lacking within themselves: control.

Any pattern of behaviors in intimate relationships marked by coercive control can be a signal or foreshadowing of abuses. And when children are involved, they are always significantly affected, remaining at risk not only of direct victimization but long-term effects stemming from exposure itself.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have reported that in homes where violence between partners occurs, there is a 45% to 60% chance of co-occurring child abuse, a rate 15 times higher than the average. Even when they are not physically attacked, children witness 68% to 80% of domestic assaults.

With April marking National Child Abuse Prevention Month, these numbers are a sobering reminder of the toll a violent environment takes on kids.

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The circumstances of domestic violence leave caregivers, emotionally and otherwise, unavailable and unresponsive, activating a primal fear in kids beneath and between a host of other raw, complex, and unresolved emotions. The pioneering psychiatrist and researcher Daniel Siegel has written, “The mind develops as the brain responds to ongoing experience. … The pattern of firing of neurons is what gives rise to attention, emotion, and memory.” And what fires together—in a combination of overtly violent exposures and the child’s underlying neurobiological experience—wires together.

The unavoidable attention given, emotions felt, and memories imprinted onto a child’s brain in moments of stress become inextricably linked together and forever taint—or else filter—feelings, beliefs, and choices in relationships and all of life. These children are not merely innocent bystanders. They are victims.

We must better understand the psychological aftermath, which can include fear of harm or abandonment, excessive worry, sadness, or guilt, inability to experience empathy or guilt, habitual lying, low frustration tolerance, emotional distancing, poor judgment, shame about the past, and fear about the future.

The unavoidable attention given, emotions felt, and memories imprinted onto a child’s brain in moments of stress become inextricably linked together and forever taint—or else filter—feelings, beliefs, and choices in relationships and all of life. These children are not merely innocent bystanders. They are victims.

Although they may be unintended victims, living within a climate of chronic emotional volatility and near acute incidents of aggression has a way of searing a neurophysiological muddle—painful and isolating emotions existing alongside ongoing and frequently unmet needs for affection and attachment.

Parents who are themselves batterers are more irritable, less involved in child rearing, more likely to use severe and erratic physical punishment, and less able to distinguish their children’s needs from their own. Both parents, regardless of culpability, risk poor emotional attunement with their children and, consequently, a decreased capacity to recognize stress and danger, protective factors which might increase a child’s resiliency.

Compared with other kids, those who have witnessed domestic violence experience far greater incidence of insomnia, bed wetting, verbal, motor, and cognitive issues, learning difficulties, self-harm, aggressive and antisocial behaviors, depression and anxiety, as well as, most troubling, adult domestic violence, with boys often becoming offenders, victims, or both, and girls more likely to become victims (Brown and Bzostek, 2003).

A growing body of literature has revealed that children who have been exposed to domestic violence are more likely than their peers to experience a wide range of difficulties, from anger, oppositional behavior, and disobedience to fear, low self-worth, and withdrawal to poor sibling, peer, and social relationships. Studies have found evidence of much higher rates of pro-violence attitudes, rigid stereotypical gender beliefs involving male privilege, animal abuse, bullying, assault, property destruction, and substance abuse.

A study by Kilpatrick, Litt, and Williams (1997) concluded that witnessing domestic violence is an experience in and of itself sufficiently intense to precipitate posttraumatic stress in children. The ongoing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study led by the CDC has classified exposure to domestic violence as one of several adverse childhood experiences contributing to poor quality of life, premature death, as well as risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States.

In addition to the exposure itself, additional factors influence impact, including the nature of the violence, age of the child, elapsed time since exposure, the child’s gender, and presence of physical or sexual abuse.

Children who witness fewer incidents of violence and experience positive interactions between caregivers may be, for instance, less detrimentally impacted than those exposed to frequent and extreme aggression. Younger children exhibit more concerning levels of psychological distress than older, more developmentally mature, children. Children are typically highly anxious and fearful immediately after witnessing an incident of domestic violence and less observably so as time passes, but of course this should not be assumed to indicate an absence of anxiety or fear. Boys exhibit more externalizing behavior problems such as aggression and acting out, while girls exhibit more internalizing behavior problems such as withdrawal and depression.

It nearly goes without saying that children who are exposed to domestic violence and are also physically or sexually abused are at a higher risk for emotional and psychological problems than those who witness such violence and are not physically or sexually abused.

Thank goodness there are protective factors that reduce the worst impacts, including a child’s literacy and overall intelligence, the extent to which the child is outgoing and socially competent, and whether the child has safe and supportive relationships with at least one influential adult (Carlson, 2000; Edleson, 2011; Hughes, et al., 2001). Those surrounding the most difficult situations have opportunity to inject resiliency through academic, emotional, and social support. We must all grapple with whether there are ways we might more effectively intervene within our families, schools, and communities to instigate help and healing.

References:

1. Brown, B., and Bzostek, S. (2003, August). Violence in the lives of children. Crosscurrents, 1. Bethesda, MD: Child Trends. Retrieved from http://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2003/01/2003-15ViolenceChildren.pdf
2. Carlson, B.E. (2000). Children exposed to intimate partner violence: Research findings and implications for intervention. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 1 (4), 321-342.
3. Edleson, J. (2011). Emerging responses to children exposed to domestic violence. Harrisburg, PA: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence/Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved from http://www.vawnet.org/Assoc_Files_VAWnet/AR_ChildrensExposure.pdf
4. Hughes, H. M., Graham-Bermann, S. A., and Gruber, G. (2001). Resilience in children exposed to domestic violence. In S. A. Graham-Bermann (Ed.). Domestic violence in the lives of children (pp. 67-90). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
5. Kilpatrick, K.L., Litt, M., and Williams, L.M. (1997). Post-traumatic stress disorder in child witness to domestic violence. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 67 (4), 639-644.
6. Siegel, D., and Hartzell, M. (2004). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York, NY: Tarcher.

Sexual assault, a difficult subject for many people to talk or even think about, is an unfortunate reality for the approximately 250,000 people who are sexually assaulted in the United States each year.

April is nationally recognized as Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, and April 7 is the designated Day of Action. These campaigns exist as a means to raise awareness of sexual assault in the U.S., so that people not only begin to think about sexual assault and its implications, but start doing something about it, as well.

You have the power to make a difference. Here are eight ways you can help raise sexual assault awareness and also work to prevent its occurrence in the future.

1. Educate Yourself about Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact that a person is coerced or forced to participate in against their will. According to the results from a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) survey released in 2014, nearly one in five women has experienced rape or an attempted rape in her lifetime. Research also paints a grim picture for males. Studies show that one in six men experiences some form of unwanted or abusive sexual experience in his lifetime, as well.

Sexual assault impacts the lives of both men and women, and the resulting trauma often goes far beyond the event itself. People who experience sexual assault are more likely to experience posttraumatic stress, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, drug and alcohol addictions, problems with intimate relationships, and difficulty at school and/or work.

You can help raise national awareness of sexual violence simply by educating yourself and your family. There are several national organizations that provide information and resources on sexual violence. Two of the leading organizations are:

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline 24-7, which anonymously links callers to a counselor at a rape crisis center nearest them. RAINN also offers online support, resources, and information.
• The NSVRC (National Sexual Violence Resource Center) creates and shares resources to help prevent and respond to sexual violence in the United States and around the globe. They coordinate Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), operate an online resource library, sponsor national conferences and events, and help integrate research with community projects.

2. Volunteer

There are many ways you can personally get involved in the fight to raise awareness and prevent sexual violence in your local community.

You can volunteer at a crisis center, staff a hotline, participate in fundraising events, advocate for survivors, help raise awareness and improve safety measures on college campuses, or get creative and host your own educational or advocacy event.[fat_widget_right]

3. Lobby Your Representatives

You can speak for those who do not have a voice or are not able to express it. Congress needs to hear from citizens who support legislation to improve the criminal justice system, provide support to survivors, and help prevent further violence. The RAINN Action Center has pre-written letters and tweets available to send to members of Congress asking them to support measures related to sexual assault prevention and support. You can use the RAINN hashtag #ActWithRAINN when posting about sexual violence advocacy measures this month.

4. Use Social Media

Connect with the cause and share it on social media to help increase awareness among those in your network. You can use the RAINN hashtag #ActWithRAINN to talk about the cause and connect with @RAINN01 to stay informed.

The NSVRC hosts a twitter discussion every Tuesday in April at 11 a.m. PDT. Follow the conversation or get involved through the hashtag #TweetAboutIt.

5. Learn How to Help Those Who Experience Sexual Assault

It can be difficult to know how to reach out to a loved one who has experienced sexual assault. Below are some tips to help if you are unsure of what to do:

• Lend a compassionate, nonjudgmental ear. Many people just want to be heard. They do not necessarily need advice or comments.
• Be patient and considerate. Don’t try to force your friend or loved one into seeking support or taking action if he or she is not yet ready for it.
• If the person plans to seek support or medical attention, offer to be there. As simple as it may seem, your presence alone can make a significant difference.
• If someone you know is sexually assaulted, your reaction can have an impact on his or her recovery from the trauma. Do not question what he or she was wearing or why he or she was not able to stop the assault. One of the most important things you can say to a sex abuse survivor is, “I believe you.”

6. Engage the Community

Consider reaching out to your local community to help with prevention efforts. You might talk to bar owners about the role their employees can play in prevention, seek support from faith-based or youth organizations, or encourage college faculty and staff to raise awareness and improve safety on campus.

7. Become an Advocate against Military Sexual Assault

Military sexual violence is one of the most overlooked forms of sexual assault. An estimated 19,000 service members become victims of military sexual assault each year, and at least half of those victims are men, with an estimated 38 military men being sexually assaulted every day. Unfortunately, many of these cases go unreported, as survivors rarely speak up.

You can also get involved and spread the word about prevention and support programs for military sexual violence survivors. RAINN operates a Department of Defense Safe Hotline and website for victims of military sexual assault to obtain crisis intervention, emotional support, and other related resources.

8. Donate

There are several nonprofit organizations against sexual violence that rely mostly on monetary donations from supporters to survive. Even if you cannot volunteer or take any other action, you can still help the cause by providing a donation to the organization of your choice. In addition to RAINN and NSVRC, there are several other nonprofit organizations working to prevent sexual violence and provide support, including:

• 1 in 6: an organization that helps men who have experienced sexual abuse.
• MCSR (Men Can Stop Rape): an organization that seeks to prevent male violence against women by redefining masculinity and male strength.
• NAESV (National Alliance to End Sexual Violence): an organization that helps educate the policy community about federal laws and legislation that prevent and work toward ending the cycle of sexual violence in the United States.

In addition to national organizations, there are a variety of support and prevention resources available on the local level as well. Get involved in your community. If you are unsure what projects exist near you, the NSVRC provides an online directory of local organizations and projects working to eliminate sexual violence.

We hope you will join us during Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month in supporting several important organizations working toward a safer community for all. On April 7, the Day of Action, we urge you to pick out at least one item and help us create a ripple effect of positive change for those who are suffering, those who have been victimized, and for those who we hope never have to experience the trauma of sexual assault.

References:

1. Help Someone You Care About. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (RAINN). Retrieved from: https://rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one
2. Kearl, H. (April 1, 2013). 10 Ways to Mark Sexual Assault Awareness Month. American Association of University Women. (AAUW). Retrieved from: http://www.aauw.org/2013/04/01/sexual-assault-awareness-3/
3. Penn, N. (2014). Military Sexual Assault: Male Survivors Speak Out. com. Retrieved from: http://www.gq.com/long-form/male-military-rape
4. Prevalence and Characteristics of Sexual Violence, Stalking, and Intimate Partner Violence Victimization — National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. (2014). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6308a1.htm?s_cid=ss6308a1_e
5. RAINN Action Center. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (RAINN). Retrieved from: https://rainn.org/public-policy/rainn-action-center
6. Resource Directory. National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Retrieved from: http://www.nsvrc.org/organizations?tid=8&tid_1=All
7. SAAM Day of Action (2015). Sexual Assault Awareness Month. National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Retrieved from http://www.nsvrc.org/saam/current-campaign/day-of-action
8. The 1 in 6 Statistic. 1 in 6. Retrieved from: https://1in6.org/the-1-in-6-statistic/