Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is generally described as a skills-based treatment, a type of cognitive behavioral therapy, and an intensive team-based approach to help people who have severe difficulties with emotion regulation. It has helped many people to manage their emotions, have better relationships, and create fulfilling lives.

When you look a bit deeper, though, at what the DBT skills actually do, they can be seen as opening the mind to curiosity and empathy. This empathic curiosity is the key to better relationships and increased positive emotional experiences. Curiosity—wanting to know—is paired with, and supports, the capacity to imagine the emotional experiences of other people.

So often—and this is reinforced by our social context—we make assumptions rather than being curious. In conversations with others, we think ahead to what we are going to say next, or we make interpretations about the meaning of what the other person is saying.

What if, rather than interpreting or analyzing another person’s words or actions, we were to remain curious about the many possibilities for what the person may be thinking or feeling?

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As children, we were naturally curious. We were constantly asking, “Why?”

Over time, many people lose that natural curiosity because it is often not reinforced by the environment. We are taught to be obedient, to not question, to do what we are “supposed” to do and leave it at that.

From a dialectical behavior therapy perspective, this stifling of curiosity is a part of an invalidating environment. We all experience invalidation in various ways, but people with difficulty managing intense emotions often come from social environments they have experienced as especially invalidating. If curiosity is ignored, judged, or criticized, you learn to stop expressing curiosity because it is not reinforced.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context. Others experience us as empathic, and this leads to better-functioning relationships.

DBT’s mindfulness skills support this curiosity. It starts with observing—not judging, not evaluating, but simply using our five senses to take in the present moment. Then we put words to our experience by describing what we have observed. Mindfulness requires participating in the moment—just throwing yourself in—and letting go of whatever judgmental thoughts or distractions come up.

In a relational context, mindfulness takes an even deeper form. So often in our interactions with others, we become so lost in intense emotional reactions that we forget the importance of this person and the relationship in our lives. We may be focused on being right, even if that does not get us the outcome we are looking for. The mindfulness skills in DBT teach us to focus on being effective—on doing what works.

When communicating with another person, relationship mindfulness requires being present, holding in mind an imagination of the other person’s experience, and focusing on effectiveness (both short- and long-term). It requires a willingness to do what is needed, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. Most of all, relationship mindfulness requires not forgetting the authentic, valid experience of the other person as well as of yourself. Even if the other person has said or done something you do not like, his or her experiences, needs, and desires are valid. Even if your own emotional responses are difficult to tolerate, they are valid.

Empathic curiosity requires a conscious decision—to turn yourself toward the present moment and to open your mind to want to know that which is not always obvious or clear. Such a decision can change your relationships and your life.

Many of us have close friendships that we value. Unfortunately, there is often a pattern of decline in friendships after a diagnosis of autism. Through the work I’ve done with people in therapy and my own experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum, I have found that there are several reasons for this.

A Diagnosis Changes Relationships

I often caution parents new to the diagnosis that their lives are about to completely change. After an autism diagnosis, almost nothing remains the same. Parents typically enter a grieving process while trying to navigate new doctor and therapy schedules. Maintaining friendships often becomes the least of their concerns.

Autism also has a way of weeding out “friends” who were never all that supportive in the first place. People who are overly dependent, toxic people, or those who simply drain tend to go by the wayside. You no longer have time or patience for drama. Those who don’t understand or empathize with your grief process may become angry that you don’t have time for them or accuse you of changing. “You’re just not the same person,” they might say. “I miss the old Sally.”

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Sally represents myriad autism moms, especially, who continue to share the same story: “My friends just don’t get it.”

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Time and Energy Are Precious

Autism takes a great amount of time and energy as a parent. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to maintaining friendships. If you work, even part-time, the challenge becomes greater. Children on the spectrum tend to miss more school than the average child due to associated health issues. Their sleep hygiene tends to be poor or more irregular. Children with autism often need constant supervision to ensure they don’t get hurt or run away. It can be overwhelming.

If you have other children in the household, it can be a struggle to maintain a balance of time with them and your child on the spectrum. There never seems to be enough of you to go around.

If there is a spouse or significant other, there is the additional challenge of nurturing that relationship.

At the end of the day, you might be so exhausted that the last thing you want to do is get on the phone to call (or return a call from) a friend.

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Assumptions Can Get in the Way

There are assumptions that we make about others that may or may not be true. One of the most prevalent is that people are judging us. Many autism parents’ homes are unkempt at best, and some are embarrassed to invite others into their chaos. Right or wrong, healthy or not, this is a reality for many spectrum moms in my community. Also, many children with autism don’t adapt well to others in their physical space, so some parents don’t invite others over for that reason.

Of course, parents may also assume that others don’t want to be friends anymore because it’s too much of a hassle. Let’s face it: When friends call and I can’t call back; when they invite me to events and I keep declining; when I finally do make plans but back out at the last minute, these things do not serve friendships. It may begin to appear as if I don’t want to engage, even if this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Another common assumption is that other parents don’t want their kids to socialize with children on the spectrum. This is sometimes untrue, but not universally.

The Importance of Letting It Go

So what’s the solution? Is there one? I think the answer varies from person to person, family to family. The guilt associated with not being able to call others back or return favors tends to eat away at the people I’ve encountered in therapy. My advice to them is the same as the advice I received while in my counseling internship. One day while I was agonizing over feeling like a bad friend, my then-supervisor (now someone I call a friend) said, “Janeen, you have enough BS and ‘have-tos’ in your life. Let this go.”

And that was it. I had permission to let it go, and so I did.

There aren’t many people I call “friend.” There are only two I call in crises who can talk me off my ledge. After almost 18 years of parenting a child with special needs, I have come to know what’s truly important in life. My inability to return a phone call, and all of the guilt that accompanies it, is at the bottom of the list.

If you’re the parent of a child on the spectrum, I hope it’s at the bottom of your list as well.

At its most basic definition, self-care is any intentional action taken to meet an individual’s physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional needs. In short, it’s all the little ways we take care of ourselves to avoid a breakdown in those respective areas of health.

You may find that, at certain points, the world and the people in it place greater demands on your time, energy, and emotions than you might feel able to handle. This is precisely why self-care is so important. It is the routine maintenance you need do to function your best not only for others, but also for yourself.

GoodTherapy’s own business and administrative, web development, outreach and advertising, editorial and education, and support teams have compiled a massive list of some of their own personal self-care activities to offer some help for those struggling to come up with their own maintenance plan. Next time you find yourself saying, “I really need to do something for myself,” browse our list and pick something that speaks to you. Be silly, be caring to others, and make your self-care a priority! In most cases, taking care of yourself doesn’t even have to cost anything. And because self-care is as unique as the individual performing it, we’d love to invite you to comment and add any of your own personal self-care activities in the comments section below. Give back to your fellow readers and share some of the little ways you take care of yourself.

Check out our therapists in Seattle, WA or find a city closer to you.

The Web Development Team

Our web development team made up of programmers, web developers, designers, and SEO professionals is all about optimizing the user experience. When they aren’t hard at work making our site function, these are some of the ways they keep themselves functioning:

1. Pick one thing that you need to do and get it done so it’s off your mental “to do” list.
2. Get a manicure or pedicure.
3. Get a massage.
4. Try acupuncture. Read up on it if you’ve never tried it.
5. Get a book from the library (free) or bookstore about some topic you’ve been interested in, but have never taken the time to learn. Afterward, spend a few minutes each day learning about it.
6. Use a planner or a calendar to intentionally schedule “me time.”
7. In the morning, listen to music that inspires and motivates you.
8. Write a list of things you’re grateful to have in your life and post it somewhere you can see it often. We have a tendency to focus on the negative, so remind yourself of the good stuff.
9. Go through your closet and purge the clothes you haven’t worn in years. Donate them to a charitable organization.
10. If you bring your lunch to work, pack a few extra items to share with someone less fortunate on your way or during your lunch break.
11. Share a kind smile with strangers on your way to and from work. Some people may go all day without anyone acknowledging their existence.
12. Start a cycle of encouragement. Tell someone near you what you appreciate about them. They may return the favor when you need it most.
13. If you buy your morning coffee, skip it today and donate the money to a charity of your choosing.
14. Call your mom, dad, or any other family member you care about just to say hi.
15. For fun, dress your pet in a silly costume and take them on tour to make others smile.
16. Learn how to sew. Self-sufficiency may have some other mental health benefits for you as well.
17. Send a completely random care package to someone you love. Who doesn’t love a surprise?
18. Intentionally reestablish contact with someone you’ve lost touch with or have unresolved conflict with. If there is conflict, resolve it and let go of the unnecessary baggage.
19. Try out a form of martial arts. A lot of schools offer a free lesson.
20. Learn how to make a budget and keep track of your money coming in, going out, and know how much money you have right now. If you live paycheck to paycheck, this can be incredibly empowering.
21. Take a moment at the end of each day and consciously list a few good things in your life. This can help refocus your emotions on all the positive things that happen each day, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
22. Turn off your phone and step away from the computer for a whole day.
23. Carry some extra change and feed someone’s meter if you see it running low. Random acts of kindness come back around!
24. Take a few minutes out of your day and a enjoy a funny animal video on YouTube

The Support Team

The support team at GoodTherapy is all about taking care of our members and connecting our visitors with the right therapist. Here, they offer an abundance of their own tips for building your self-care routine:

25. Do something nice for someone and make sure no one can trace it back to you—an incognito act of kindness.
26. Go for a walk by yourself with headphones on, listening to music you love.
27. Prepare a meal, no matter how simple.
28. Create something for no practical purpose such as a song, a poem, an essay, a painting, a drawing, a comic strip, a collage, etc.
29. Start a genuine conversation with someone you care about that covers the following: things that are going well, things you’re having a hard time with, and things you are grateful for.
30. Lay on the floor on your back with your eyes closed for five minutes (or longer) and just breathe.
31. Shower with all the lights off. It forces you to move incredibly slow and it’s so relaxing. Make sure to have safety mats in place so you don’t slip on your way out.
32. Stare at your pet or another animal and seriously contemplate their existence. Do you think they believe they have a higher purpose?
33. Rearrange all of your furniture in a way that makes you more comfortable or just to try something fresh in your living space.
34. Check in with yourself a few times each day and take a moment to process your thoughts and emotions. Don’t let them build up.
35. Swing on a swing set. Too many adults forget how much fun this is.
36. Call your friend or sibling when you know they can’t answer and leave a ridiculously funny made up song as your voicemail. You’ll spread a little laughter while also laughing in the process.
37. Make up a brand new dance move and teach it to someone.
38. Do a five minute meditation on your feet.
39. Carve a couple hours out of your schedule this weekend to enjoy the classic film You Can’t Take it With You.
40. Go out to see a movie at your favorite theater all by yourself.
41. Make brownies and give them away to a neighbor, family member, friend, or someone you know that could use a pick-me-up. Enjoy any leftover batter.
42. Make a piece of artwork—draw, paint, cut and paste, whatever—that someone might interpret as ugly and tell it you love and accept it anyway.
43. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race and bask in the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent of the contestants. Try to channel some of that in your own life when you find yourself needing it.
44. Karaoke, but do it completely sober.
45. Worry less about your bathroom scale or any other appliance that makes you feel bad about yourself.
46. Go to a support group meeting and share.
47. Go to a support group meeting and listen.
48. Listen to a podcast about something that interests you that you haven’t yet explored.
49. Tell your cat all of your darkest, most shameful secrets. His or her nonchalance and snuggles will remind you that you’re okay.
50. Share dorky pictures of yourself from middle school and angsty teenage poetry and drawings with your friends. Ask for your friends to share theirs with you. This is a great way to let go of feelings of shame or any embarrassment you might be holding onto from those awkward years.
51. Roll out a blanket and eat your dinner on the grass at home or in the park. Invite someone else if you’d like company.
52. If you live near them, two words: hot springs. If you don’t live near hot springs, find the one nearest to you and start planning a vacation.
53. Make yourself a gourmet grilled cheese and some tomato soup. Comfort food at the right time or during the right type of weather can be great for boosting your mood.
54. Tell yourself something that resists self-criticism but feels encouraging like, “I’m doing the best that I can.”
55. Taking care of yourself can start with something small! Maybe today you just need to lie down on the couch instead of on your bed for a change of scenery.
56. Write a zine, or a mini-zine, about something you care about, or that you think is interesting. You can make a mini-zine with just one sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper!
57. Write something encouraging on a post-it and put it where you will see it every day! Or write directly on your mirror: “I am beautiful and brave.”
58. Say a magnificent affirmation out loud, like “I am a child of the universe, and I have been given endless talents and capabilities.”
59. Commit to posting mostly or only positive things on your favored social media site for a while. For every sad news item, there’s a related (or unrelated) story of resilience, bravery, and triumph.
60. Write a review of a business you like. Send that positive energy into the universe and share some love for your favorite local places!
61. Do something you used to like to do, whether or not you were or are “good at it.” Remind yourself that you can do something just because you enjoy it, and the only way most people get better at something is practice.
62. Read a book that’s easy and fun. You can give it away to a younger person in your life after if you feel like giving it up.
63. Listen to an album you loved when you were younger but haven’t heard in a long time.
64. Make a playlist or mixtape about your current mood. Give yourself permission to make one that expresses how you feel, or maybe even how you’d like to feel.
65. Congratulate yourself for doing difficult things, even if they might not seem difficult to others. Depending on the individual, plenty of everyday things can be difficult, like riding the bus, standing in line, filing paperwork, going to the doctor, making food, doing chores, etc.
66. Send a postcard to someone far away. Decorate it before sending it.
67. Paint your nails a fun color. Use jewels, glitter, nail stickers, or false nails. If you don’t want to spend money, try to use something you have around the house and see where your creativity leads.
68. Go to a store that sells crystals and buy one that speaks to you. Look up what it means or does. Sometimes they are $1 or less!
69. Reflect on the struggles your ancestors endured so you could exist and remember that you have inherited their strength and resilience.
70. Try to memorize one constellation you don’t already know and find it in the sky tonight.

The Editorial and Education Team

The editorial and education team at GoodTherapy is all about providing high-quality information, whether you’re a casual reader or a seasoned mental health professional. Between publishing articles on the blog, creating directories of information like PsychPedia, and hosting continuing education events for our therapist members, this is how they take care of themselves:

71. Set your camera to macro and take close-up pictures of bugs, flowers, and anything else that catches your eye outside your home or in a public space.
72. Select a lesser-known book by one of your favorite writers and dive into the pages.
73. Use a site like meetup.com, find something you’re interested in, and commit to attending at least one meeting.
74. Hand write a letter to a friend or relative and start a conversation the old-fashioned way.
75. Learn a new board game you’ve never played such as chess, backgammon, or othello.
76. If you play guitar, try learning a song from a genre you don’t typically listen to.
77. Find a spot in a busy place such as downtown, a bus station, or a mall and sit in silence with nowhere to be.
78. Read a religious text you aren’t familiar with.
79. Build something spectacular with Legos, either from a kit or from your imagination.
80. Dedicate a day to learning more about the local history where you live.
81. Take an Epsom salt bath in total darkness and silence, or perhaps with just a candle or two.
82. Bring a little cheer to your local animal shelter. Pet the kitties and walk a dog. You don’t necessarily have to take one home with you.
83. Go for a walk around the neighborhood, or hike a local trail you’ve never been on.
84. Cook a healthy and delicious meal using fresh ingredients you rarely splurge on.
85. Plant something—a tree, a small vegetable garden, a flower.
86. Sing! Turn up your favorite sing-along tunes and channel Etta James, Eminem, Eddie Vedder, or whoever moves you.
87. If you live near a body of water and have access, go kayaking or canoeing. Bring a buddy, and wear a life vest.
88. Go to a local gym or park and shoot some hoops, even if basketball isn’t really your thing; don’t worry about being “good” at it.
89. Get that trendy or fashionable haircut you’ve been thinking about but always talk yourself out of.
90. Finish this sentence: “I love myself because I ______________.” Do this once per day, with a new ending each time.
91. Watch a couple episodes of a feel-good sitcom for a few giggles. Have an exit strategy so you don’t get sucked into an all-day marathon and feel guilty for it.
92. When you wake up in the morning, get in the habit of making your first thought a positive one: “I am ready for today.” “Today is a new opportunity.” “I will do something I am proud of today.”
93. Touch nature every single day. Hug a tree, pick a flower, or run your fingers through some grass.

The Outreach and Advertising Team

Our outreach and advertising team fulfills the traditional role of marketing and then some. They help our company establish and foster relationships while leveraging technology to provide unique advertising opportunities online. They offered these activities for the next time you need some “you” time:

94. Pilates!
95. Cut some fresh flowers and display them prominently to lift your spirit.
96. Take a nap on the next Saturday you find yourself with an extra hour or two.
97. Treat yourself to a tasty meal at a fancy restaurant because you’ve earned it.
98. Learn the basics of a new language.
99. Attend a local high school sporting event and remember what sports are like when nobody is getting paid to play them.
100. Go to a comedy club. Laughter really is the best medicine.
101. On a clear night, find a safe and secluded spot away from the lights of the city, grab a blanket, stare up at the stars, and let your mind wander from big to small thoughts.
102. Go for a bike ride or a drive to nowhere in particular.
103. Attend a local music performance. Many small clubs, restaurants, and coffee shops have free admission for some shows.
104. Listen to a chapter or two from an audiobook.
105. Allow yourself to sleep in a couple of extra hours this weekend; errands and chores can wait!
106. Instead of always going to the tried-and-true, try a new restaurant this week. You might discover a new go-to.
107. Next time you’re getting lunch, buy lunch for the person behind you in line. Say you’re “paying it forward” and walk away with a smile on your face.
108. Book a night at a hotel outside of town, somewhere you’ve never spent much time. Explore the scene and enjoy the sights.
109. Go wine tasting. It’s an inexpensive way to sample a variety of local wines you might not be able to find in stores.
110. Learn Photoshop, Excel, or some other program you’ve been wanting to learn. There are many online tutorials.
111. Take your mom, dad, or another family member to lunch. You’ll be glad you did.
112. Write a limerick or a haiku!
113. Drink more water. The benefits are endless.
114. Write positive affirmations or inspirational quotes on small pieces of paper, then go to a bookstore and hide them in random books for strangers to find.
115. Try to find somewhere you can skip rocks on water.

The Business and Administrative Team

The business and administrative team ensures the wheels of GoodTherapy spin smoothly. They keep us growing, improving, and constantly reaching new therapists and readers that help make our mission and vision a reality. When they need to practice a little self-care, here’s what they do:

116. Make an inspiration collage and hang it where you can see it. Use it to help generate new ideas and thoughts when you need them.
117. Ask for help when you need it. It sounds simple, but trying to handle everything without help causes stress and anxiety for a lot people.
118. Take five to 10 minutes before bed to focus on what’s going on inside. Notice any parts of you that don’t feel relaxed. Invite them closer, listen to them, pay close attention and discover what their worries, fears, concerns, or other feelings are. Witness each part. Once all parts have relaxed, confirm with yourself that everything’s going to be all right and fall blissfully into sweet dreams.
119. If you want cuddles or a massage or quality time or whatever from your partner, ask for it! Sometimes the easiest way to get your needs met is to voice your needs in the first place.
120. Start a blog and write absolutely anything. You never know how your words might touch or hook people from all over the world!
121. Join a forum like Reddit or another place to talk about things you like.
122. Spend an hour this weekend at a soup kitchen or other volunteer opportunity.
123. Find a shop with tea, chocolate, or spices and enjoy the free smells for a while.
124. Go to an antique shop and marvel at all the history represented there. Make up stories about the objects’ pasts and the people they belonged to.
125. Go camping or backpacking and spend some time truly immersed in nature.
126. Go dancing and forget about any shame or regret. Even if you think you look like a fool, get out there and get moving.
127. We all get busy, but make it a point to make a date night with your significant other.
128. Stay in this weekend and host a family movie night.
129. Try something different with your coworkers and do standing meetings this week at work.
130. Try journaling if you’ve never tried it before. There are a lot of different ways to do it and lot of resources available to help you get started.
131. Learn how to tactfully say no to invitations or requests at times when you already feel overwhelmed.
132. Have a glass (or two) of red wine. Other than temporary stress relief, there are some great health benefits as long as you don’t overdo it.
133. Take a bubble bath with a good book.
134. Use the internet for its intended purpose and look up cat .gifs.

Need More than Self-Care to Get Back on Track?

Self-care, in many ways, is about prevention. It’s a way to make sure you stay strong and resilient when a crisis or other major life event occurs. However, sometimes you need more than a few self-care activities to feel centered again. If you find yourself experiencing emotions or a bad mood that seem to persist and negatively affect your life, consider finding a therapist or other qualified mental health professional. Sometimes examining these conditions in a safe, non-judgmental environment can help you understand what you’re experiencing better, help you build healthy strategies to cope with them, and help you build a self-care plan that works best for you.

From all of us at GoodTherapy, we’re wishing you the best!

Most Americans believe that watching porn is morally wrong (Green, 2014). According to data from the Public Religion Research Institute, only 23% of American women approve of pornography use, as do 35% of men. Despite this seemingly widespread disapproval and the forces of stigma and shame, 40 million people in the United States—about one in eight—are regular porn consumers (Willingham, 2013).

Although the genders of porn viewers are variant, insecurity, jealousy, or resentment about a partner’s pornography use is not uncommon, a reality not lost on media that cover the sensitive topic. An article in XO Jane (Marin, 2014) compares the jealousy that some heterosexual women feel about porn to the jealousy some straight men feel about women’s usage of vibrators. But if the old-fashioned term for sex toys is “marital aids”—and it is—why shouldn’t pornography fall under that umbrella?

I am writing this piece to gently challenge notions that pornography is inherently damaging to users, performers, and real-world sex partners. I believe that, when consumed responsibly, legally, ethically, and in moderation (we’ll get to that part) by consenting adults, not only is there nothing wrong with pornography use, but it can produce positive effects on a marriage or other romantic or sexual relationship. Benefits may include low-risk sexual pleasure, healthy communication about sexual interests, and indulgence in fantasies independent from those shared with a partner.

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Hear me out here.

• Pornography is a relatively low-risk outlet for viewers. The threat of computer viruses notwithstanding, porn consumption is a relatively low-risk sexual behavior. Most of the potential real-world consequences of having sex—such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—aren’t relevant for the porn viewer. For millions of Americans, this may be extremely liberating. You aren’t putting your body (or your partner’s) at risk, and you don’t have to get tested or use protection, as may be the case with the introduction of a new partner. Many people harbor fantasies that they may have no inclination to act on, and porn can provide a safe way to explore such fantasies. It’s important to note that many porn users are more aroused by stories and words than by visual imagery. The massive popularity of the Fifty Shades trilogy has brought to light the utility of literary erotica for indulging in fantasies without necessarily enacting them. Compared to having real-world sex, viewing porn or reading erotica is much, much safer.
• Pornography can facilitate sexual communication and connection. Exchanging photos or videos can be an exciting way to share fantasies with another person with whom you’re intimate. Watching pornographic scenes together or reading erotic stories aloud can greatly heighten sexual tension. If your partnership is open to this sort of exchange, there are even online tools for finding out what fantasies you and your partner share without awkwardness, embarrassment, disappointment, or the fear of grossing someone out.
• Pornography allows for indulgence of interests not shared by a partner. In human partnerships, even when everything else is compatible, even when communication is great, sexual interests rarely come together 100%. Having different fantasies and sex drives is absolutely normal, and while this might be a common source of conflict, it does not necessarily signal impending doom for you and your partner. Porn use can be one way to minimize this gap without going outside the partnership in a direct, interpersonal way. (A note of caution: It’s important to know and consider how your partner feels about porn use independent of one another. Secrets hold potential for damaging relationships. Ideally, there is agreement between both partners as to what’s OK and what’s not with regard to porn consumption when not in each other’s company.)

If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help.

The Ethics of Porn

Now that we’ve covered some of the potential benefits of porn, let’s address some of the anti-pornography crowd’s concerns and criticisms. They’re not completely off-base, after all.

• Pornography can be addictive. As with anything else, when you view pornography compulsively, you may not be mindful about the content with which you are engaging. You may be trying to escape uncomfortable emotions or satisfy a physiological urge as quickly as possible. Over time, this can become a problematic pattern. If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help. Many therapists specialize in resolving pornography addictions and other compulsions. Mindfulness exercises can help address this type of behavior, as can setting and enforcing time limits on your porn consumption.
• Pornography can be dehumanizing. The dehumanizing effects of pornography go hand-in-hand with its addictive properties. When consuming a lot of visual information, a person can go into sensory overload, which may have a numbing effect. Also, with porn use, there is a distance from the mechanics, bodies, and emotions that are present during real-world sex, which may make it easier to consume large amounts. We should never forget, too, that video-based and photographic pornography depicts real humans engaging in real sex acts. Some performers, though compensated, may have experienced abuse or have addictions or mental health issues that compelled them to participate. For other models, their bodies are commodified coercively and the results of their labor are exchanged through unethical means, sometimes without compensation. Some porn producers cater to illegal markets and interests or do not adhere to accepted safety standards for performers, some of whom consequently contract serious sexually transmitted diseases. Exploitation in porn is a legitimate concern and an absolutely valid reason to be wary of it. (See referrals below for some resources regarding ethical porn.)
• Pornography can develop and perpetuate unrealistic ideas about sex. The pornography industry reaps $4.9 billion worldwide every year (Willingham, 2013). Encased within this figure are the editing of videos, the shaving and bleaching of bodies, and tools for depicting fantasies that might not be easy or ethical to fulfill in real-world relationships. Pornography is about fantasy and does not usually reflect reality. And because of its ease of access, content often falls into the hands of those who don’t have sexual experience or accurate information about sexual health and relationships. Many people are first exposed to pornographic material before they become sexually active, sometimes as early as late childhood and early adolescence. Given that this is a time when young bodies are developing and when youth are learning how to relate to others, porn can produce insecurity and unrealistic expectations regarding sex. (The same ethical concerns about early exposure exist for erotic storytelling, but unlike visual pornography, the only people involved in the manufacturing of erotic literary content are the authors themselves.) When pornography access isn’t combined with real-world knowledge and experience—or with reputable forms of sex education—unhealthy, sexist, and even abusive attitudes may be perpetuated.

Clearly, porn detractors have plenty to point to. But when used ethically, in moderation, and with emotional intelligence by consenting adults, it’s my belief that pornography use can be a healthy pastime and even, under some circumstances, serve to enhance intimate relationships. I hope that this piece can be part of a bigger conversation, inspiring interesting and respectful discussion between curious persons and contributing to healthier attitudes about human sexuality at large.

“Fair-Trade Porn” Articles and Resources:

1. The Feminist Porn Awards. http://www.feministpornawards.com/
2. Fixell, E. (2015). 4 ways you can find ‘ethical porn’. The Daily Dot. Retrieved from http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/how-to-find-ethical-porn/
3. Williams, Z. (2014). Is there such a thing as ethical porn? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

References:

1. Green, E. (2014). Most people think watching porn is morally wrong. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/03/most-people-think-watching-porn-is-morally-wrong/284240/
2. Janssen, E. (n.d.). Why people use porn. Frontline. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html
3. Marin, V. (2014). ASK A SEX THERAPIST: How to talk to your husband or boyfriend about his porn and masturbation habits. Retrieved from http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-talk-to-your-man-about-his-porn-and-masturbation-habits
4. Willingham, T. (2013). The stats on internet pornography. Daily Infographic. Retrieved from http://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-stats-on-internet-pornography-infographic

Have you ever heard that the Chinese word for crisis combines two characters meaning danger and opportunity? This captures the essence of posttraumatic growth—that in traumatic experiences, as upsetting as they are, we can find opportunities for meaning and personal growth.

Posttraumatic growth is not about returning to or recreating the life you had before trauma; rather, it describes the perspective shifts and choices for positive change that often come in the aftermath of significant trauma. Being steeped in the field of resilience myself, the field of posttraumatic growth overlaps and explores not only what helps people get through life’s difficulties, but what helps them thrive as a result of challenge.

Trauma can be simply described as an experience that overwhelms our capacity to cope, so it is no surprise that much of trauma work involves calling in supports that increase one’s capacity to cope with the stress of the trauma. Whether or not we have these aspects of life in place prior to trauma, they can help us to recover, make meaning, and create positive experiences that, while not changing the traumatic situation, give a sense of meaning and purpose to life as it continues on.

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Here are five aspects of posttraumatic growth to reflect on:

1. Personal Strength

What helps you to feel strong and to access resources within yourself? How do you cope with pain, both emotional and physical? There are many ways of dealing with sensations and emotions that feel uncomfortable, and many of us seek out behaviors that have drawbacks—using substances, overworking, or distracting from the pain rather than moving through it. What can you do to help you connect to yourself in a healthy way and process uncomfortable emotions?

Many find strength in sports, exercise, creative endeavors (music, art, theater), or in connecting with and helping others. Take some time to reflect on what could serve you best in this way.

2. New Possibilities

With trauma often comes an organic shift in perspective. Perhaps things that used to be meaningful no longer carry your interest, while other topics feel suddenly more compelling. Take a moment to reflect on what you may want to leave behind and what is pulling your attention moving forward.

Often with trauma, people experience a shift and reprioritization of values; if this has happened for you, what new possibilities exist? How can you shift how you spend your time and energy to reflect these changes?

3. Relating to Others

Social supports are a huge way that we move through difficulty. Trauma may be what leads us to reach out for professional help, or to confide in a friend. We may also have a deeper sense of compassion for others who are suffering, leading us to relate to the world in an entirely new way.

Take a moment to look at your relationships—with family, friends, your community, and society at large. Where do you feel connected, seen, and supported? These are places that can be helpful and healing. If you do not feel you have people who support you, now is a wonderful time to reach out.

Trauma brings us face to face with our mortality and, as such, can lead us to appreciate and even treasure moments of peace or connection we may have taken for granted.

4. Appreciation of Life

I think Hamilton Jordan describes this best in his book No Such Thing as a Bad Day (2000): “After my first cancer, even the smallest joys in life took on new meaning—watching a beautiful sunset, a hug from my child, a laugh with Dorothy. That feeling has not diminished with time. After my second and third cancers, the simple joys of life are everywhere and are boundless, as I cherish my family and friends and contemplate the rest of my life, a life I certainly do not take for granted.”

Trauma brings us face to face with our mortality and, as such, can lead us to appreciate and even treasure moments of peace or connection we may have taken for granted.

5. Spiritual Change

Many trauma survivors report a shift in relating to the spiritual world.

The diagnostic (DSM) definition of trauma explains that many traumatic experiences involve exposure to death or threatened death, which brings to the forefront questions of mortality, afterlife, and spiritual meaning. We may find ourselves asking, “Why did this happen to me?” or “What has become of the person who passed?” These questions and the answers we seek are deeply personal and have significant implications for how we understand ourselves and the world. Allow time for these reflections in the aftermath of trauma.

As Ernest Hemingway so eloquently pointed out, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Posttraumatic growth points to those places that become strong through exposure and experience. It may not be a painless process, but seeking opportunities for growth can help create a deeper sense of love, connection, and meaning in our lives.

Somehow, in recent times, the term “aspie” has jumped tracks from a being an insider’s term of endearment to an all-purpose adjective used to describe quirky or geeky aspects of one’s own or another individual’s personality: “I couldn’t wait to get home and read more of that astrophysics book. How aspie is that?”

Is there anything wrong with that? Well, yes. And no.

If you really are on the autism spectrum—at the “high” end, where the diagnosis is Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) or high-functioning autism (HFA)—you might find usages of this nature confusing. They might even feel derogatory.

Before I go further, let me say I am not a button-pushing, “that’s offensive” kind of person. I’m not on a rant here. But there is room for sensitization with regard to the throwing around of the term “aspie” that would serve us all well. My observations come from working with many individuals who are on the spectrum. This is important to them.

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First of all, there is no such thing as an AS/HFA personality. There are as many personalities among people on the spectrum as there are among those who are not on the spectrum. Just as not all neurotypical individuals watch reality TV; just as not all feel magnanimously comfortable in social situations; just as there are millions of individual interests represented, so, too, is the variety among those on the spectrum.

The aspects that distinguish a person on the spectrum from one who is not are related to structural differences in the brain. For people on the spectrum, these differences make living in the neurotypical world a minute-by-minute challenge. Figuring out subtexts and metamessages in conversations and other forms of communication is exhausting, and always bears the risk of failure. Sharing a three-dimensional, visual way of thinking with those whose thought patterns are more linear is exhausting. Understanding social and work expectations that are not explicit is exhausting.

When a person with Asperger’s/high-functioning autism calls things aspie, you can bet he or she knows exactly what it means. But that’s not an invitation to co-opt (and quite possibly misuse) the term.

Sometimes, due to misreading context and expectations, people on the spectrum make what is viewed as a social mistake. Is that an “aspie” thing?

Sometimes, a person on the spectrum has a deep interest in a topic that is not generally understood or even valued by other people. Is that an “aspie” thing?

Who among us has not been in a social situation in which we did or said something we later regretted? Who among us is without an interest, habit, or hobby that might not be considered mainstream?

If you have friends on the spectrum and they use “aspie” in reference to themselves, be careful. When a person with Asperger’s/high-functioning autism calls things aspie, you can bet he or she knows exactly what it means. But that’s not an invitation to co-opt (and quite possibly misuse) the term.

Do you know what it means to the person with AS/HFA who uses it to describe himself or herself? If you don’t, ask. That’s what I meant above when I suggested that use of the term isn’t entirely bad. It can open up a conversation that could be instructive to everyone involved.

I would bet that once you hear a person on the spectrum give his or her definition of the term “aspie,” you won’t be throwing it around casually anymore. You might even feel an urge to help other neurotypical individuals who use it to understand what it means to those for whom it matters most.

Many people struggle with addictions in today’s stressful society. Drinking and/or using drugs, overeating, sexual compulsions, and gambling are all ways in which individuals attempt to self-soothe and forget about their problems. These misguided methods all have one thing in common—they enable the individual to temporarily attain a different state of consciousness in order to avoid looking at painful emotions they may be feeling.

Alcohol and drugs obviously create altered states of mind, but overeating, gambling, or having a sex addiction do as well. For those who overindulge, food typically brings up early memories of comfort and is used to fill up an inner sense of emptiness. Many who gamble tend to forget or overlook everything except the thrill and excitement of the potential win. For many individuals with a sex addiction, there is an attempt to seek connectedness through the sexual act, without having to connect on an emotional level.

So what are some ways that individuals can learn to cope with their emotions in a healthier way? The following steps can be taken to help overcome an addiction:

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1. Join a support group. There are many different peer-led support groups available that can be very helpful when trying to overcome any kind of addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Gamblers Anonymous, for example, are all groups where people can relate to others who are dealing with the same types of issues. Individuals hold each other accountable and are often inspired by others’ success stories.
2. Explore issues that the addiction may be covering up. Often, people resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms because they are struggling with painful emotions and/or traumatic situations that have not been integrated. Seeking out a qualified therapist can be helpful in working through past trauma and learning healthier ways to cope.
3. Keep track of your triggers. By noting the times you feel tempted to indulge in an addiction, you can begin to bring more awareness to the situation. For example, do you start drinking after work every time your boss criticizes you? Do you binge on fast food whenever your self-esteem is at a low point?
4. Look for the purpose your addiction may be serving. Many people struggling with addictions have difficulties with relationships. The addiction becomes their relationship of choice, and the individual may spend much of his or her time thinking about ways to indulge in it, rather than examining underlying issues related to connecting with others.
5. Learn to experience emotions rather than avoid them. Addictions are often an easy way to escape from feeling painful emotions, but this is only a temporary solution and ends up making the problem much worse. Try to spend five to 10 minutes a day just sitting with your eyes closed and focusing on the sensations in your body. Painful emotions tend to be held in the body and are typically experienced as a tightness or constriction. Practice mindfully sitting with the sensations, honoring and welcoming them, rather than trying to push them away. Remember to breathe in and out deeply when doing this exercise.
6. Journal about your feelings. Journaling is a helpful tool to get uncomfortable emotions off your chest. Whenever you feel triggered to indulge in your addiction, try to write about the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing instead. This technique can also be useful right before going to bed, especially if you tend to toss and turn and ruminate over stressful issues.

Overcoming an addiction can be extremely challenging, but using some or all of the techniques above can be a great starting point. If you have a severe drinking or drug problem, you may need to start off with residential treatment in order to be surrounded by individuals who support you on your healing journey.

The first step can feel like the most difficult one, but recovery from any type of addiction is absolutely possible for anyone willing to reach out for help.

“You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” —Buddha

As I write this, I can feel anxiety in my entire body; my legs are restless, my toes are tapping, and there are butterflies in my stomach twirling and diving, with some going on bombing missions. Thoughts are flying across the screen of my mind at the speed of light. My inner dialogue/landscape is one of charred wood and dead grass as I search to find the “right” words that will enlighten readers. In this barren wasteland of blank thoughts, I see a little pink flower that seems to be calling from afar, but, alas, it’s not to be! It’s only a figment of my imagination.

In my mind, I see no other recourse than to surrender and shout out, “I give up! This is too hard!” while another voice suggests, “Don’t you think this would be a great time to rearrange the furniture?” All the while, the wise part of me looks on with patience and compassion, nodding her head as she says, “Now, my dear, you know what you need to do.”

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I do know what I need to do, but I still wonder why, after all these years of writing, a deadline can bring up feelings of dread similar to those you get when the dentist informs you that you’re in need of a root canal. Unfortunately, I know the answer to this; and no, I am not as wise as Yoda! I happen to be very well acquainted with the inner critic, and I know that as soon as there’s a deadline looming on the horizon, the inner critic perks up, rubs her hands together with glee, laughs maniacally, and shouts with jubilation, “I knew sooner or later you’d need my help!” Hearing this, I turn to her, send her an imaginary bow of acknowledgment, and say, “It’s OK. I appreciate the offer, but I can do this on my own.” I lovingly guide her back to the meditation cushion and ask her to help by sending thoughts of loving kindness and compassion.

Unveiling the Inner Critic

“While others may fool us with stories, lies, and misinformation, the biggest deceptions happen within our very own heads!” —Dana Nourie

We all have an inner critic that gets activated when there is a sign of trouble or danger on the horizon. It shows up when we’re most vulnerable, fearful, or sad. It’s the scolding, critical, manipulative, and intimidating inner voice that is trying to help us stay safe. It can also sound like background noise; the voice is there, but we’ve gotten so used to it that we don’t hear it. When we don’t notice this inner dialogue, we may end up believing these thoughts, which creates even deeper suffering. So it’s important to recognize when the inner critic is present.

Below are just a few examples of how the inner critic shows up:

• The controller: This is the voice that constantly demands action. It can say things like, “You’re a lazy slob! Get up and do those dishes right now!” or, “Hurry up and finish that project or you’ll be fired!”
• The judge: This is the voice that sits on the high bench, evaluating and finding fault with your performance before you even begin the task. For example, you’re going to a new part of town and don’t have a good sense of direction. The judge immediately perks up, telling you, “You’re so hopeless with directions! You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag!”
• The voice of doom and gloom: This is the fearful voice that’s always sending messages filled with shame and doubt. So you might have brought a beautiful dress that you’ve been longing to wear, and as you look in the mirror, this part starts sending warnings of upcoming failure. “Are you sure you really want to wear THAT? You’re going to be the laughingstock of the party!”

See the Vulnerability Beneath the Defense

Sometimes it helps to visualize the inner critic as a scared child. Most of us would respond with compassion if we saw a child suffering. Sometimes when I notice the critical self-talk in action, I’ll envision the fear as a child. I see the inner critic as a little girl who’s wearing an oversized lab coat and a hard hat. She stands anxiously watching over a grid with many blinking, colorful lights. While the grid contains a kaleidoscope of beautiful flashing colors, the inner critic ignores the beauty and instead is waiting for the moment when the grid flashes red.

Why red? Because it represents danger. (Think of stop signs, traffic lights, hazard lights, and ambulances.) When the illusion of trouble enters the mind, the grid flashes red, an alarm goes off, and a loud voice starts the countdown toward self-destruction. The inner critic immediately goes to work trying to avert danger in any way she can, and the negative self-talk begins. So the inner critic will say things such as, “You’re such a loser! No wonder creative thoughts don’t stick around! I’d leave too, if I could!” If I believe these thoughts, I might get paralyzed and stop myself from doing something that helps others and brings me joy. If instead I learn to look beyond the critical self-talk, I can begin to connect with the vulnerability beneath the defenses.

If I look beyond the inner critic and defensive stance, I see the feelings of vulnerability and fear. There’s fear of failure—that I won’t accomplish the task correctly or that I’ll lose my connection to what matters most. When I pause to connect through the practice of mindfulness and recognize that fear is present, I can begin to respond in ways that are healing and compassionate. This clear seeing of what is really happening beyond views of good/bad is essential in order for us to soothe the inner critic.

Before we get there, let’s take a deeper look at why and how fear triggers the inner critic.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

We all face fear at one time or another. Sometimes many times a day! Fear shows up for the major events of our lives. It also shows up for the small, everyday activities, such as not getting to an appointment on time, getting into an argument with a close friend, etc. What transforms the fear into suffering isn’t the feeling itself; it’s how we react to it.

It’s also important to note that when fear arises it triggers our fight, flight, and freeze or submit response, which was essential for the survival of our species. After all, if our ancestors weren’t alert to the dangers they faced when they were out hunting for food, we wouldn’t be here today.

The problem is that most of the threats we face are intense reactions that go off when our self-concept is threatened. This makes sense, as we are social animals and our connection to each other and life is important to our well-being. However, when we react as if our very life is threatened, we end up adding suffering to what is often a moment of pain. As Dr. Kristin Neff writes in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself:

We confuse our thoughts and representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self-image is under siege, we react as if our very existence is threatened. When this happens, our threat defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe as follows:

• Fight: We turn on ourselves, we criticize, blame, shame, and belittle ourselves.
• Flight: Feeling anxious and agitated, we seek to numb the pain by using distractions such as food, alcohol, gambling, or other distractions.
• Freeze: We get caught up in a holding pattern of thoughts. We ruminate on what we see as our inadequacies and weaknesses.
• Submit: We resign ourselves and accept our harsh and critical self-judgment, which leaves us feeling unworthy and ashamed.

This overreaction can leave us feeling highly anxious, depressed, and angry with ourselves, others, and the world, and this can lead us to limit our experiences in life and relationships.

How the Inner Critic Limits Our Lived Experience

“We get identified with patterns of thought and this leads to repetitive behaviors, these repetitive behaviors become who we are. We stop growing because we limit out experiences.” —Steve Armstrong, dharma talk on Greeting Visitors to the Mind

The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us.

I remember listening to a talk by meditation teacher Tara Brach on how fear affects us. She shared a moving story about a white tiger called Mohini, who lived in a 12-by-12-foot rectangular cage at the zoo in Washington, D.C. The tiger spent her days restlessly pacing within the small enclosure, and eventually the staff and biologists worked to create a natural habitat for her. This was a beautiful space with hills, trees, and a pond to swim in.

When Mohini was transferred to her new surroundings, everyone expected she would feel free to explore this wide-open space. The moment she was released, she “immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area 12 by 12 feet was worn bare of grass.”

We similarly confine ourselves to certain patterns that limit our ability to fully experience life. The inner critic becomes the gatekeeper—in charge of keeping us contained within these limits, where there is an illusion of safety. The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us. Recognizing how we’re reacting to the inner critic, to our thoughts and feelings, is an important step toward helping ourselves reconnect to this moment. Just as important is our ability to practice self-compassion in the face of pain.

Self-Compassion Helps Soothe the Inner Critic

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” —Dr. Kristin Neff

Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as “quieting of one’s inner critic and replacing it with a voice of support, understanding, and care for one’s self.” So we treat ourselves with the same compassion and kindness we show others who are suffering. This can be challenging, as our defenses were developed over many years and show up as patterns of behavior that often stop us from being vulnerable. What helps us to shift out of these patterns is meeting our experience with mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion. As Neff points out in her book, there are three elements to the practice, as follows:

Practicing self-kindness, we:

• Let go of pursuing perfection
• Accept that, in life, things don’t always go according to plan
• Learn to recognize and accept that pain is a part of life
• Meet pain with kindness and compassion instead of self-condemnation and harsh judgment

Common humanity means that we:

• Are all vulnerable, earthly, and imperfect beings
• Suffering and feelings of inadequacy are felt by everyone, and this is part of our shared human experience.
• We all walk the path of life together; sometimes the path is smooth and pleasant, and sometimes it’s unpleasant; strewn with obstacles and challenges.

We meet our moment-to-moment experience by:

• Observing our moment-to-moment experience (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) in a nonjudgmental manner
• Noticing how these thoughts affect our body, mind, and heart
• If we’re overwhelmed, we help ourselves by practicing mindfulness of breathing (shift your attention from thoughts to the sensation of the breath coming in and the breath flowing out).
• As we feel more centered, we can begin to notice how emotions are affecting our body (emotions are felt as physical sensations in the body). We allow the thoughts to be there without feeding them.
• Noticing tension, emotional or physical pain, we bring a feeling of kindness and compassion to our experience and begin to soften around the tension.
• Sending love to the inner critic or the part of us that is caught up in thoughts, stories, or limiting beliefs

Mindfulness and Compassion Foster Healing and Growth

Mindfulness and self-compassion help us to see how we are limiting ourselves. We see and feel the barriers we’re constructing around our hearts, and in seeing them we can begin to explore what is happening within the mind that’s causing us to build the wall. We free our hearts as we explore with a real desire to understand, to open to the pain and meet it with compassion and loving kindness. This leads us to have moments of mindfulness, where the mind is free of ruminating, judging, planning, and obsessing, and a mind that is free of torment is loving, clear, understanding, equanimous, and easeful.

As I write this last line, I pause to check in with the inner critic. I see that she’s still sitting on the meditation cushion, sending thoughts of loving kindness, and on her face is a look of profound peace.

When a friend or family member tells you they are transgender, or trans, it can be hard to figure out the best way to show support. Trans issues have recently become part of the mainstream conversation in the United States, from  Caitlyn Jenner’s widely publicized transition to Laverne Cox’s appearance on the cover of Time. As more trans people feel comfortable sharing their stories, their friends and families are growing and changing with them.

The word “transgender” describes a gender identity that is different than the one someone is born into. Gender identity is the internal experience that we all have of our maleness or femaleness (or both, or neither). For most people, this experience is aligned with their biological sex. People who identify as trans have a different experience.

Many allies feel confused about how they can best support a friend or family member who tells them they are trans. Such conflict can come about for any number of reasons, including feelings of embarrassment talking about trans issues, not knowing what language or terminology to use, or not wanting to offend. With that in mind, here are five ways to support someone you love who identifies as trans:

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1. Listen Closely and Trust Their Experience

Every trans person has a different experience of gender and their transition. When a trans person shares their story with you, it’s a gift. It means they trust you enough to share something so fundamentally important to them. And their experience might not be what you expect.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

2. Use Their Language

Language is personal, and the only way to know how someone identifies is to listen to how they talk about themselves. You don’t necessarily need to know all the terms related to transgender to be supportive; you just need to respect and try to use the ones your friend or loved one prefers. Some people have a word they closely identify with. For example, they might feel like the umbrella term trans describes them best. Other terms they might use include transgender, transsexual, trans man, trans woman, female-to-male (FTM), male-to-female (MTF), or genderqueer, among others.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

Trans people may also have a preferred pronoun. Possible pronoun choices may include he/him, she/her, ze/hir, and they/them. Ze/hir and they/them (used to refer to an individual, not a group) are gender-neutral pronouns and are being used by more and more people who don’t feel like he/him or she/her adequately describe them.

Your friend or family member might also choose a new name. They might even change it two or three times as they attempt to find a name that feels like a good fit. Using a trans person’s chosen name shows love and respect and is important, even when change feels hard.

3. Do Some Research

If you want to know more about trans identities in general, the best way is to learn is to do some simple research. Just like it’s not your job to tell others what it’s like to be ______ (fill in your own gender identity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, race, etc.), your friend might not want to educate others about their experience.

Unless specifically invited to do so, it’s never appropriate to ask anyone (including a trans person) personal questions about their body or sexuality. This doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be curious or want to know more. Fortunately, we have a lot of great resources available at our fingertips. Many trans activists post video blogs on YouTube both about their personal experiences and to answer questions for people who just want to know more.

4. Get the Support You Need

Learning that someone you know is transgender can bring up a lot of feelings, especially if it’s a close family member such as a child or parent. It’s OK to have all of those feelings, and it’s important that you find the supports you need to sort through them and understand your own experience. Your family member or friend may not be able to be this support person for you.

Many family members I’ve worked with have found support through working with their own therapist or connecting with groups such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and TransYouth Family Allies (TYFA). Connecting with a therapist is a great place to start.

5. Practice Active Allyship

Trans family members and friends are counting on you to help them make this a safe and friendly world for people of all gender identities. Trans people often face oppression and discrimination from their medical providers, schools, employers, housing, places of worship, and families.

Being an ally means consistently noticing and challenging transphobia and ignorance both in yourself and the world around you. This can mean telling someone that a joke isn’t funny, asking a trans friend what they need when someone uses the wrong name or pronoun, or participating in events and rallies in support of the rights of trans people.

What it looks like to support a trans family member or friend can vary greatly from person to person. In many ways, it looks exactly the same as being a good friend or support to anyone who is going through a significant life change. What are some ways you can support transgender people in your own life and community? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

“It’s taken me a long time to get here,” Jessica lamented in her first session. “I don’t know what my problem is. I just feel unhappy. Something is missing in my life, but I don’t know what I want or what it could be. I’m a 46-year-old married woman. My marriage to Peter is fine and I like my job as a speech therapist well enough. I feel boring and bored and maybe have more anxiety than I should. What do you think is wrong?”

Jessica’s statement at the start of therapy began our quest to understand Jessica’s sense of emptiness. In our sessions, her talk was tinged with melancholy. Jessica said that when she looked in the mirror she saw “a not very attractive, aging, unsatisfied woman who feels empty.” Apart from Jessica’s sad demeanor, she brought urgency to the sessions with her intense desire to find out “what is wrong with me?”

Jessica grew up in a suburb of a large city as the younger of two daughters. Her parents divorced when she was 9 years old. Her father quickly remarried and had a child with his new wife. Jessica had vivid memories: “I was crying and my father was hugging me. He said he was moving out because he and my mother had too many problems to stay together.” A tearful Jessica continued: “I remember thinking, ‘How can he leave me?’ I couldn’t stop crying and ran to my room.”

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Jessica and her sister saw her father weekly for a little more than a year, but when he became involved with his wife to be, their visits became less frequent. She recalled, “It was never the same after he left. I never saw him alone and I couldn’t hold onto the feeling that I was special to him. I lost that when I lost him.”

Jessica tried in our sessions to recapture what growing up was like. She wondered if she had been sad even before her father left: “I think I’ve always been sad. Maybe our whole household was sad. My mother was not an energetic or happy person. She often seemed far away. I think she was depressed after my father left and she definitely became more anxious. I was always anxious, too. My sister, who is five years older than me, always did her own thing. But I was very attached to my mother. I felt a strong need for her, and it must have gotten more intense after my father left. She wasn’t very affectionate, and I was very clingy. I remember we used to play cards a lot and we’d go shopping together. I wanted to be around her. I didn’t have a lot of friends. When I went to high school, I started to make friends, but I was always nervous around them. I felt different and not part of the group, so I didn’t do as much at school or with them as I now wish I had.”

When Jessica left home for college, she became somewhat more engaged with the world. She had her first date at the end of her freshman year and dated occasionally throughout college. For the most part, she focused on her education. The college and graduate school Jessica chose was two hours away from home. She spent most weekends and school vacations home alone with her mother (her sister had married and moved to California).

Jessica recalled her conflicted feelings about going home: “I missed my mother when I was away at school, but I don’t know what I missed, exactly. Going home was pretty boring. My mother wasn’t very interested in what I was doing. Whenever I was excited to tell her about my classes or my patients when I was in grad school, she seemed to change the subject. I don’t know what it was, but being around her made me anxious about school and dating and I guess about most everything. Still, after grad school I moved back near my mother and got a job as a speech therapist. When I think about it now, I don’t get why I went home. I think I felt my mother wanted something from me, but I don’t know what.”

I asked Jessica to talk more about her experience with her mother.

“It’s hard to describe,” she said. “I felt so ambivalent about her. I loved her desperately but always felt something was missing in our connection. I wanted her to tell me I was terrific, to give me the feeling she was interested in me and my life. I wanted to feel like she took pleasure in what I did and who I was, but she never did. If anything, I made her feel good. I felt she needed me, but I didn’t know what she needed me for. She was very sensitive, and I was very anxious around her. It didn’t take much for me to feel I had hurt her. She seemed like a pretty lonely person. I think I felt I was supposed to do something to make her life better. She seemed to like it when I was around, but she never seemed to want me very close to her. It was confusing because I also needed to be with her, but it never made sense to me that I felt that way.”

Jessica was beginning to recognize that her mother was limited and couldn’t provide her with feelings of being special that she desperately needed and longed for. Jessica also began to appreciate the consequences of her strong feelings that she would hurt her mother by being special or fulfilled.

Tears started to flow: “You know, she died too young. She developed heart problems and became very sick when I was 32. After that, I spoke to her every day and visited as much as I could, even if I didn’t want to. All my energy was focused on her. She was very depressed, and I was very careful not to make her feel worse by telling her anything that was good in my life.”

Jessica’s mother was ill for four years and died when Jessica was 36, 10 years before she came to see me. During her illness, Jessica’s mother was a constant companion in Jessica’s mind.

“I got more anxious and very depressed,” Jessica recalled. “My mother was dying, and I felt totally helpless. I was so worried that I would say or do something that would upset her. I was preoccupied with thoughts about what I should be doing for her and what she would think about my life. Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what she would think about me. I’m very sad that she never got to meet Peter or know that I married. But sometimes I think marrying Peter was a betrayal of my mother. She never felt very good about herself. How would she feel if my life went well? I think it would hurt her. She might think I was arrogant if I said I had a good life or expressed excitement about my accomplishments. I’d feel like I was being mean to her.”

Even now, after the death of her mother, Jessica still expresses a strong need for her mother: “Since my mother died, she is in my head more than ever. I find myself wondering what she would think about everything: would she like something I bought or would she be OK with my coming here?”

“What kind of response would you want from your mother now?” I asked.

Jessica began to sob: “I wish she would give me a big smile and look really delighted with me. I don’t think I ever got that from her.”

As we continued to explore Jessica’s relationship with her mother, it became clearer that her mother had been unable to provide Jessica with the basics for developing positive self-feelings and a sense of being valued, admired, and recognized. Jessica’s mother couldn’t mirror Jessica’s excitement, enthusiasm, and good self-feelings back to her. Consequently, Jessica infrequently experienced these feelings as part of herself. This left a space inside Jessica, which I believed was what Jessica described as “something missing.” Growing up, Jessica did not know that her need and longing for her mother was her effort to find her missing good and valuable self in her mother’s experience of her.

Jessica was beginning to recognize that her mother was limited and couldn’t provide her with feelings of being special that she desperately needed and longed for. Jessica also began to appreciate the consequences of her strong feelings that she would hurt her mother by being special or fulfilled. We spent many sessions talking about all the ways Jessica had held herself back in her life. She became aware of how her relationship to her mother governed her choices and kept her trapped in patterns of behavior, thought, and feeling that interfered with her ability to enjoy life, engage with people, and ultimately feel self-confident and pleased with herself and her life. She began to understand how, unconsciously, she had lived her life to assure that if her mother contrasted her life to Jessica’s, she wouldn’t feel threatened by finding too much “good stuff” in Jessica’s life. Jessica wondered if she was only able to find a partner and marry after her mother’s death.

Jessica and I worked hard exploring her attachment to her mother. Now she has emotional knowledge (knowledge with feelings attached, not just thoughts) about that connection. She knows she connected to her mother by becoming like her: she internalized her mother’s sadness and duplicated the absence of her mother’s good internalized self-feelings. She knows that her sadness about her missing good self-parts was a kind of mourning for the absence of a nurturing mother and the good feelings she was never able to obtain from her.

Now Jessica is freeing herself from protecting her mother. Now she can be there for herself. She can nurture her missing parts and change her internal world. She will be able to own a new sense of self-confidence and self-esteem and follow her own wishes, get her needs met, and feel special.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Have you ever called yourself “stupid” just because you made a mistake?

When you look in the mirror, do you curse your reflection for not being attractive enough?

Do you make silent, sarcastic remarks to yourself after you speak?

When you engage in self-criticism, it’s like having your very own personal bully living inside your head.

Whenever you try something new, the bully is there to taunt you. When you think about taking a risk, the bully lets you know you’ll probably fail. And when it comes to relationships, the bully is the first to point out your flaws and weaknesses, all the reasons no one could ever really love you.

The bully loves to control you. It’s the bully’s “thing.”

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Your bully is happiest when you’re anxious about screwing up, or else feeling like you already screwed up. That’s what gives bullies their power.

If you want to ditch the bully, you’ll need to take your power back. But before you can do that, make sure you really want to get rid of the bully inside your head.

“What?” you may ask. “How can you even ask me that? Of COURSE I want to ditch this bully!”

Are you sure?

The bully in your head is there for a reason. The bully is there to keep you on your toes. What if you didn’t have a bully pointing out how badly you’re doing in everything? How much worse might you be?

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

The real bully is your belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you. How ready do you feel to let go of that?

As long as you suspect there’s something wrong with you, you’ll need a bully to keep you on the right track.

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

Take a few moments to mull it over.

What does it mean if there is really, truly nothing at all wrong with you? It could mean a lot of things, not all of them pleasant. For example:

• You’ve been treated worse than you deserve to be treated.
• You’ve turned down opportunities that might have made your life better.
• Your expectations of yourself may have seemed too high, but have really been too low.
• Your expectations of others have been low or nonexistent.
• You wasted years not following your dreams for fear you didn’t deserve them.

Taking back your power from the bully in your head is not without cost. The cost of taking back your power is regret—for all the years you let the bully control you.

Go ahead and feel the regret. You earned it and it won’t kill you.

Then take back your power by saying no to the bully who insists there’s something wrong with you.

There’s no special trick to it. Just do it.

Act as if there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a good person. You won’t do bad things just because no one’s there to criticize you anymore.

You trusted the bully to take care of you all these years, but it cost you some self-esteem. Trust yourself now. Ditch the bully.

When the bully calls you stupid or unattractive, say, “I disagree.” Then mentally walk away from that criticism.

That’s how you take charge. One thought, one moment, at a time.

Good luck taking on your bully. Let me know how it goes.

Editor’s note: Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW is a psychotherapist in private practice with over twenty years experience. She is the author of six self-help books, including Simple Self-Care for Therapists: Restorative Practices to Weave Through Your Workday. Ashley’s continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy, titled “A New Approach to Self-Care: The Ethical Imperative of Daily Restoration“ is available as a homestudy course at no additional cost to Premium and Pro GoodTherapy Members (Basic Members and mental health professionals without membership can view this course for $14.95). This homestudy course is good for two CE credits. For details, or to register, please click here.

Sitting with a group of colleagues, having just finished our monthly consultation group, I blurted out the question, “How do you feel about self-care?” At the time, I was researching and writing a book about self-care for therapists, so this question was very much on my mind.

I fielded a range of responses from, “I know it’s important but I don’t have the time,” to “I’m in this field to take care of others, not myself!” Over the next few months, as I polled my colleagues, I heard these themes of conflict and time constraints repeated many times.

I began to realize and assert with increasing vigor that it’s time to change our approach to self-care. Not only do we have to address the practical roadblocks to self-care but also the ethical quandary that allows self-sacrifice to undermine good therapy.

Ethically speaking, it’s important to understand that taking care of yourself is taking care of your clients (and your family and friends.) I have been a lifelong singer, and I remember when a voice teacher told me, “You are the instrument. You have to take care of your body or otherwise you won’t have a voice to share.”

Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW

Being a therapist is not unlike being a singer—you are the instrument of healing. Whether you employ CBT, DBT, EMDR, or EFT, it’s the therapeutic relationship itself, as we well know, that is the tool for healing. It’s your presence and your personal resonance that create the relational environment for healing. If we don’t take care of ourselves in mind, body, and spirit, we can’t take care of others.

Consider how we are compromised when we are overworked and burned out, depleted and compassionately fatigued, numbed and vicariously traumatized. If we don’t replenish and restore ourselves, if we don’t take self-care seriously, we’re not doing our best clinical work.

If we don’t take care of ourselves in mind, body, and spirit, we can’t take care of others. So given that self-care is not only vital but an ethical imperative, how do we realistically fit it into our busy, overworked schedules? It’s not like we can drop everything and book a monthly vacation or even a weekly massage. How can we practically engage in self-care and give it the priority it deserves in our lives and in our careers?

One answer is to microtize self-care. What does this mean? It means to engage in small habits in our daily lives that have a big impact on our well-being. Advances in neuroplasticity underscore this successful strategy: Small repetitive practices matter, both in creating new neural networks in our brains and in creating sustainable self-care.

Practically, it can be as simple as ‘shrinking down’ the macro–self-care activities and practices that you already love into their most powerful essences. For example, you might not be able to get to a yoga class today, but you can benefit from the stretch and relaxation of one power-pose between sessions. You might not be able to schedule a full body massage today, but you can realize the benefits of myofascial release by massaging your feet with a tennis ball before you go home.

[fat_widget_right]The idea is to create a personal toolbox of micro-habits—self-care activities that you can do in a few minutes or less which can then be woven through the workday. With this new approach, you can take care of yourself throughout the workday, before clients, between clients, and even in session.

Here are a few more ideas to get you started:

• You love to read but don’t have time to dive into a novel: Keep a book of poetry nearby that you can flip through between sessions.
• You love to take long walks in the woods but don’t have time for that right now: Do a march-in-place exercise and add 10 jumping jacks to get your blood flowing.
• You want to do long meditations but never seem to have the time: Set your timer for a one-minute. A brief moment of mindfully focusing on your breath is a powerful form of relaxation.
• You can’t wait to go on vacation, but don’t have anything scheduled for months: Spend a minute looking at photographs of places that you long to visit (look online or in a travel magazine).
• You’ve gotten triggered in a session and want to go outside for fresh air: Reengage your dual awareness with a deep belly breath and then lengthen your spine by imagining a string pulling your head upward.

Less really is more. Once you get into the habit of using micro–self-care practices throughout the day, every day, you’ll notice that you start to feel replenished on a regular basis. The process begins first with the realization that self-care is your ethical obligation, and second with the intention of making self-care a daily priority. With this approach, you honor the importance of self-care in your professional life and you make it happen.