Envy doesn’t get talked about much these days. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in these times of personal empowerment, everyone is supposed to be pursuing personal bests and following their own destinies, independent of everyone else. In such an environment of individualism, it’s a little gauche, maybe, to admit (to oneself, but especially to others) you could be envious of someone else.

Maybe because envy seems tinged with old-school morality, something to be thrown out with the raised eyebrows and tsk tsks of past convictions of superiority. We are more straightforward now. We say it like it is. We have no need for spurious or vague emotions that cause messes in our souls.

Think so? I’m not so sure.

Envy has not vanished from the face of the earth. Envy is hardwired in the human heart. It has only gone underground. If you’ve ever tried to eradicate moles or gophers from your garden, you know how difficult it is to rid your life of things that live beneath the surface. The problem, of course, is that you can’t see them. You can only see where they have already been, because they leave a trail of wreckage.

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Just like envy.

So what is it, this envy?

One thing it is not is jealousy. The words are often used interchangeably, but this is incorrect. There is a vast and meaningful difference between the two.

Jealousy. You are jealous of someone if they have something you want. For example, that girl in your economics class has the shoes you covet but can’t afford. No fair. Or, that man who is a major slacker has a bigger office than you do. No fair. The feeling you have when you imagine yourself in these two scenarios is jealousy. Another word for it is covetousness. The Ten Commandments are all over covetousness; in fact, 20% of the commandments are spent in outright ban of it, both spouses and goods. It doesn’t matter who the other person is or what their circumstances might be: they have something you want; you, on the other hand, do not have it; you are jealous.

In my estimation, this is a garden-variety offense. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It makes you stew in your own juices until you wake up, which you will eventually do, one hopes. If you are even halfway conscious, you will find it becomes boring after a while to covet everyone else’s stuff because it finally dawns on you that you could buy yourself your own pair of shoes if you were a little more prudent with your finances. Your feet and the feet of the suede-shod woman are existentially unrelated. What she has is completely independent of what you have/don’t have. You’re on your own. Get your own shoes and get over yourself. They will look great on you if you like them so much.

Envy, on the other hand, is insidious. Envy targets the person with the shoes you covet, the person with the bigger office. Envy tells you that you are better than they are, that they don’t deserve the shoes or the office, that in order to get them, they probably did something unsavory or were born under a lucky star (no fair!) or had better parents than you did (no fair!) … and you are the one who really deserves these things. So to hell with them and their stupid shoes and their stupid office. You want to pour red wine into the taupe suede shoes. You want to hide a stinking, rotting chicken carcass in the big office. You want to hurt those people. At the very least, you want to spit venom about them behind their backs. That, my friend, is envy.

Envy attacks another person.

It is envy, for example, that makes you writhe with hot discomfort when your sister executes an ethereal Chopin piece while you know you had the attention span of a gnat during the two years of forced piano lessons you endured. Sure, you wanted to play. But you didn’t want to practice. You wanted to go do other stuff. Therefore, the whole enterprise for you—the boring piano lessons—was a burden your parents forced upon you and which you could not manage to see as anything but punitive.

Plus, your sister was born with a gift, you tell yourself. This music comes so easily to her she could play in her sleep. I wasn’t born with that. She got all the talent. Look at her! Everyone is all admiring and things. What a show-off! If I had had half the advantages she had, I’d be sitting there playing even better than she does. Crap.

You snipe at your sister every chance you get. You make it your business to examine her life for all the unfair advantages your parents extended to her but denied you, forgetting already that you had the exact same opportunities at the keyboard. But the piano is just the start. You could recite an entire litany of examples of favoritism, if anyone gave half a damn about you and the way you’ve suffered while your sister got all the attention. Crap.

With your unbridled envy, your sister gets hurt. You are mean to her. You devalue her accomplishments by attributing them to luck or parental favoritism or natural talent (as if talent required no discipline in order to bloom). You ignore the hours of practice she put in while you were off doing who knows what—and you don’t even remember what now, do you? You debase her well-developed discipline, focus, and personal goals. And you take shots at her about other things to keep her in her place, which to her feels arbitrary and nasty, making her question herself and what she may have done to provoke you. She is hurt and anxious.

So are you! You also are hurt and anxious. Can you see that? Envy is a pitchfork with two sharp tines: you pierce the other person’s accomplishments with one while you let the grace seep out of your own soul with the other.

So if envy is this bad, why do I claim it is hardwired? Because like all emotions—positive and negative—envy is an indicator. It is a message. It alerts us to something in ourselves that requires our attention.

We can look at anger as an example of a familiar negative emotion. Anger is our red-alert system that tells us something seems wrong. People think anger is wild acting out in behaviors of rage or even violence. It’s not. Anger is just a feeling. How you act upon that feeling is your choice.

You could react and blow gaskets in the form of wild behaviors—the so-called knee-jerk behavior we see in road rage, for example. Your anger is telling you that you are approaching your limit with driving in traffic and with disrespectful drivers. You blow up. How does that help? You’re likely still in a white rage when you walk in the door at home an hour later. Everyone at home gets the fallout. What a crummy evening that is likely to be. Meanwhile, your morons, the ones who inflamed you, are still moving on down the highway, not only unaware of your meltdown but also unpunished for the transgressions you detest so much. It will be just like this again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, by the way. And next week. Why would anything change?

When you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life.

Alternatively, you could respond—and take note of the cause and the extent of the anger that the red-alert evokes. Then you can decide what you’d like to do about it. If you give yourself the time to respond, you give yourself the time to learn from your anger and to utilize it as notice that something in your life would suit you better if you were to change it. You are empowered. Your anger has pointed you right to the solution. You get to decide what to do next. Maybe drive a different route. Maybe change your hours. Maybe Uber to work. You realize your anger is about yourself. It has nothing to do with the drivers in the other cars. They have their own problems.

Extend this pattern of choice between reacting and responding to envy.

When you react in envy, you do things that not only hurt you, but also hurt the other people who are the targets of your envy, as discussed earlier. You do yourself no favors, because you stir yourself up into a hot mess while comforting yourself with the concept of some vague but gross injustice which places you squarely in the victim role. Oh, lick those wounds, and hate that transgressor!

But when you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life. Like anger and the drivers, envy has nothing to do with the person you envy. It is an inside job.

You might catch a glimpse of yourself as lacking in discipline, and you might feel guilt attached to that. Well, you can learn a great deal about how to bring discipline into your life, if you put your mind to it. You can work with a therapist to reshape your personal narrative so that you can create openings for growth in your life. You don’t have to remain enslaved to old, ineffective stories about who you are. You have the power, given the desire, to change anything you’d like to change.

Jealousy and envy. They are both opportunities. Next time you feel one of them arise, stop for a moment and take a good look at it. Remember you are not your feelings. You are the feeler of your feelings. You are the thinker of your thoughts. As such, you are the creator of your life.

Try it in small steps. Mindfulness techniques are excellent tools for slowing down the crashing, reactive aspects of strong negative emotions. Becoming aware of your feelings and your environment (internal and external) and your hopes and your dreams at any one moment can create the space you need for grabbing the reins of your behavior, and bring the muse of discipline into your life to create the peace that is ultimately what you would most like to have in your heart.

You can do it. You will amaze yourself.

And oh, how you will sleep at night!

It’s far too common for newly married or new-parent couples to find themselves searching for more—more time together, more romance, more connection, more intimacy. Maybe, after the wedding is over and the thank-you notes are written, you’re thinking, “What are we supposed to do now?” Or maybe, when the baby is crying and the laundry is piling up, you’re thinking, “When will we feel like ourselves again?”

Research by Dr. Barry McCarthy, sex and relationship expert and author of Rekindling Desire, indicates that couples are more likely to become sexually inactive in the first two years of marriage than at any other period in their married life (McCarthy and McCarthy, 2014). His recommendation is for couples to reenergize their relationship intimacy by enhancing desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

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One place to start on the journey toward deeper intimacy is letter writing. Writing letters to each other is a good way to communicate your thoughts and feelings amid the demands of work and family. Remember the spark of excitement and desire when you received an old-fashioned, handwritten love letter? That’s the spirit of this activity. These are loving letters, full of your hopes, dreams, warmth, and tenderness. These letters inspire a deepening of intimacy because they help you communicate without distraction and with a genuine voice. The goal is for your words to bring you closer and help you feel more connected.

So here’s how it works: You and your partner commit to exchanging letters, ideally handwritten (but emailed will do), a few times a week. You can each answer one prompt below at a time, and you don’t have to follow the same order. It’s best to direct your answers to your partner, just as you would when writing a letter to anyone else.

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Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

• What are ways you feel loved and accepted by your partner, even with an acknowledgement of failings and imperfections? Are there different ways you show your partner you love and accept them?
• Describe a fantasy, romantic or sexual, you’d like to experience with your partner. Where are you? What does it feel like? What happens first, then next, then after that? How does it end?
• What is a metaphor for your relationship so far? Explain the metaphor. How would you change that metaphor to illustrate the kind marriage you want to have in the future?
• How do you think you and your partner should deal with bad luck or disappointment? How will you show your partner you are on their team no matter what?
• Fill in the blanks and then explain: “If I were living my life the best version of myself as a partner that I could be, I would continue to ___, I would do ___ differently, and I hope you would feel more ___.”
• What do you appreciate most about your partner? What personality traits, strengths, and talents do you admire and value?
• What are your hopes, goals, and dreams for your marriage and family together?

At the end of a few weeks, compile your letters and go over them together. What do you notice about where your answers overlap or where they are unique? Reread them often and allow the words to calm you when you’re angry, soothe you when you’re sad, and fill you with hope when you’re worried. Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

If these prompts, your answers, or your partner’s answers have stirred up deeper feelings of dissatisfaction, disconnection, or disappointment, you may want to seek individual counseling, couples therapy, or sex therapy. The help of an experienced therapist is an investment in yourself and your marriage.

Reference:

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2^nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I recently attended a family reunion (full disclosure: this was in the deep south) and was horrified to discover how closed-minded and bigoted my parents have become. My family has always been relatively conservative, but this last trip showed their true colors and ignorance. They made blatantly racist remarks, said awful things about LGBT people, and proclaimed their intent to vote against extended rights for minorities.

I was appalled, to say the least, and too shocked to speak articulately on the matter at the time. It’s 2016, and yet I felt I’d entered a time machine and been transported back to 1916!

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Now that the event has passed, I’m still troubled by their elitism and hatred, and I’m left wondering if there’s anything I can do. They live in an echo chamber of their own beliefs—meaning I know their community and friends just reflect their “values.” So I’m not very optimistic about being able to open their minds, let alone change their thought patterns and attitudes. Is it possible? Should I try regardless? In some ways I feel like I’m trying to single-handedly cure people who are addicted, so ingrained are their habits and backward ideals. I wish there were interventions for racism. —In Fairness

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Fairness,

Thank you for reaching out and opening this often-challenging discussion. Family can be both interesting and complicated, and when we add in hot topic discussions they become even more so.

While I deeply appreciate your desire to affect change in your family, attempting to change a deeply ingrained belief system is very challenging. As you noted, these particular family members are in an environment where those who share those beliefs surround them. When that is the case, it is extremely difficult for anything other than those beliefs to stand. In fact, there is a theory called “confirmation bias” that shows people tend to look for and interpret information in a way that supports their beliefs; anything coming their way that contradicts that may not matter.

The only thing we really have power over is ourselves. While we may attempt to impact the world and those around us, we are responsible only for our own actions. Really, no matter how hard you try, you are not responsible for “curing” them or changing their minds, thought patterns, or beliefs. The best you can do is to offer the information to them; what they do with it is in their hands. If you try to take on the burden of changing your family system, you are assuming responsibility for something that is not yours—and that is an unrealistic burden to carry.

There is a saying that being a helper is like being a lighthouse—the lighthouse just stands and shines and doesn’t go chasing boats to save. I suggest you be a lighthouse in your family and shine with justice, kindness, love, and acceptance for all people.

My suggestion is to offer the information to your family without the expectation that they can integrate it, accept it, or that it will change their beliefs. You can be a beacon of light in your family of acceptance and more progressive values, but also know that openly stating your beliefs may put you at odds with your family. You may face criticism and ridicule for stating your beliefs. Only you can determine if that’s something you’re willing to deal with in order to be a force of change. There is a chance your efforts will yield nothing, but there is a chance that others may be impacted. The trick is being able to go forward without expectations and without feeling as though changing your family is your job.

There is a saying that being a helper is like being a lighthouse—the lighthouse just stands and shines and doesn’t go chasing boats to save. I suggest you be a lighthouse in your family and shine with justice, kindness, love, and acceptance for all people. As you do so, your very presence may illuminate the dark places. When you hear your family members saying things that are racist, bigoted, or something along those lines, find ways to gently confront it. One way to call it out is when someone makes a racist, sexist, or bigoted joke, say, “I don’t get it. Can you please explain?” That way, they are forced to explicitly explain the “humor” behind the “joke,” revealing the issue. When you adopt this stance, you are not being confrontational while still illuminating the issue.

Most of all, be gentle with them and yourself. These types of thought patterns go way back and can be hard to change. While it is always worthwhile to challenge the status quo, also consider some ways in which you can make a difference for future generations. Maybe you can’t change old ways in your family, but you can work to impact how the newer generation sees the world. I’d like to commend you for your awareness and for your willingness to serve as an ally. We need more allies in this world, and your efforts are noticed and appreciated.

Sincerely,

Lisa

It’s another day at work. You’re preparing an upcoming presentation, checking your email every few minutes, texting your best friend, planning the weekend, and scrolling through Facebook—all while watching the clock and anxiously anticipating lunchtime. You’re multitasking, and you probably think you’re doing it well.

If you ask most people, chances are they will tell you they’re good at multitasking. Research tells us that isn’t the case. In fact, multitasking may actually make you less productive, even if you’re completing multiple tasks at once. According to Stanford professor Clifford Nass, the more you multitask, the less you are able to concentrate, learn, and even be nice to people.

Here are six reasons why you’re actually not as good at multitasking as you think you are:

1. Multitasking Makes It Harder to Filter Information

Research indicates that the more you multitask, the less your brain is able to filter out information. When comparing the brains of people who multitask versus those who don’t, researchers found those who multitask not only have difficulty filtering irrelevant information, but they actually exert more energy using parts of the brain that aren’t necessary for the task at hand.

On the contrary, when you focus on one thing at a time, the brain is able to zone in and filter out the rest, leaving more of your brain’s resources available to what you are actually doing.

2. Multitasking Makes It Difficult to Pay Attention

[fat_widget_right]Frequent multitasking can change the neural pathways in the brain. When we are constantly scattered, it makes it increasingly difficult for the brain to sustain attention for even short periods of time. MRIs taken of individuals while driving indicate that adding just one more activity in addition to driving can reduce the brain’s ability to pay attention to the road. For example, when drivers listen to other people in the car speak, the drivers’ attention levels toward driving go down by about 37%.

3. Multitasking Lowers Your Efficiency

Continuously switching back and forth between tasks makes the brain less available for the individual task at hand and ultimately lowers efficiency rather than improving productivity. A University of London research study indicated that people who multitask while performing cognitive tasks show significant drops in IQ (intelligence quotient) similar to those of people who had smoked marijuana or had not slept the night before. Something as simple as knowing there are unread emails in your inbox can lower IQ by 10 points.

4. Multitasking Makes Long-Term Goals Harder to Achieve

Multitasking trains our brains to seek instant gratification. Constantly switching from task to task, checking your email, and scrolling your Twitter feed creates a constant need for feedback.

With each text message you send or email you respond to, your brain gets a surge of dopamine—one of the brain’s feel-good hormones—which encourages you to continue the rewarding behavior. This leads the brain to seek more instant gratification and makes it difficult to sustain the attention needed to work toward long-term goals.

When you don’t quickly receive that release of dopamine, you may become bored or uncomfortable and give up on the task in order to do other short-term tasks. While these tasks offer that reward more quickly, they are less rewarding in the long-term. This feedback loop may make you feel like you’re accomplishing a lot, but you may realize it doesn’t amount to much at the end of the day.

5. Multitasking Lowers Emotional Intelligence

Research has shown multitasking lowers emotional intelligence and can actually make us less friendly. A study conducted by the University of Sussex concluded that individuals who used multiple devices at once (cell phone, computer, television, etc.) and who multitasked more often showed less brain activity in the anterior cingulate cortex—the area of the brain that governs emotional control and empathy.

6. Multitasking Causes More Stress

According to multiple studies, chronic multitaskers have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Normal levels of cortisol can be helpful for the body, but when levels are too high it can cause reproductive issues, increase inflammation in the body, raise blood sugar, weaken the immune system, increase belly fat, and damage the parts of the brain that control memory. Many people who multitask have issues with working memory, which can make it more difficult to make rational decisions.

Tips for Improving Your Ability to Single Task:

• Practice mindfulness meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help train your brain to slow down and focus on what’s happening in the present moment. This can make you less likely to give in to distraction and improve your ability to sustain your attention for longer periods of time.Continuously switching back and forth between tasks makes the brain less available for the individual task at hand and ultimately lowers efficiency rather than improving productivity.
• Take frequent breaks: Rather than doing several things at once, focus on one task at a time and take frequent breaks to allow your brain to reset.
• Make a to-do list: Making a to-do list can help you organize and keep track of the tasks you need to complete. With a to-do list, you can work on completing your tasks one at a time until you are finished rather than trying to work on multiple tasks at once. To-do lists also work well for achieving long-term goals. You can break your goals down into small tasks and check each task off as you finish, receiving a surge of dopamine for the completion of each small milestone along the way.
• Use timers for intense focus time: Because many of us in the digital age are tempted to switch from tab to tab, screen to screen, or device to device, it isn’t always easy to focus on one task at a time. Productivity and time management coaches recommend setting a timer for a designated period of time (i.e. 45 minutes) and not allowing yourself to do anything else other than that task until the timer goes off. This can help curb the urge to check your email and respond to that text message.
• Eliminate distractions: When attempting to conquer a task, eliminate as many distractions as possible to help you stay focused. Turn off the television, keep your phone on silent, and find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted.
• Set designated time to check email: Employees spend approximately 28% of their day responding to emails. Email can be incredibly distracting and is known to drain productivity. Rather than constantly refreshing your inbox every few minutes, set designated times each day to check your email, and then avoid checking it outside of those times. For example, you might check it in the morning, at lunch, and right before you stop working each day.
• Try therapy: For those who want some extra help improving productivity, finding a qualified therapist can be a good option. Therapists can help people improve their ability to single task by teaching cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. These techniques can be used to help improve time management skills as well as learn to change thought patterns that may contribute to distraction or the desire to multitask. Many other types of therapy can also help someone who wants to feel less overwhelmed or who wants to become more successful at work.

References:

1. Baer, D. (2013, October 9). What multitasking does to your brain. Retrieved from http://www.fastcompany.com/3019659/leadership-now/what-multitasking-does-to-your-brain
2. Chapman, S.C. (2013, May 8). Why single-tasking makes you smarter. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/05/08/why-single-tasking-makes-you-smarter/#18e70d131b5c
3. Gupta, S. (2016, August 1). Your brain on multitasking. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/09/health/your-brain-multitasking/
4. Kim, L. (2015, July 15). Multitasking is killing your brain. Retrieved from http://www.inc.com/larry-kim/why-multi-tasking-is-killing-your-brain.html

Gender-nonconforming children—including those who are agender, transgender, bigender, gender fluid, or have other identities—are often met with parental rejection. A new study presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association explored the process through which parents may come to accept their gender-nonconforming children.

Exploring the Process of Parental Acceptance

Researchers from the University of California, Davis, followed 29 mothers and seven fathers with gender-nonconforming children. The study included 33 children between the ages of 5 and 16. Fourteen were trans girls, nine were trans boys, and 10 were gender-diverse boys.

Parental acceptance of transgender kids is often a slow process, the study found. Parents were quicker to notice gender nonconformance in children designated male at birth (DMAB) than children designated female at birth (DFAB). DFAB children were more typically labeled tomboys when they did not conform to gender stereotypes.

Parents of gender-nonconforming boys often attempted to set limits on when and where their children could present as girls, fearing discrimination and bullying. Parents often explained these guidelines in terms of practical rules, such as the weather being too cold to wear a dress. Parents were more likely to eventually relax these rules when they realized how unhappy their children were, researchers found.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers also found many mothers play a vital role in advocating for their gender-nonconforming children. They often will work to educate themselves on the subject, and many become experts on gender diversity to better identify resources for their children. Perhaps because more mothers than fathers participated in the study, researchers did not address whether fathers acted the same way.

The Effects of Parental Rejection on Transgender Children

Research consistently points to the damaging effects of rejection and stigma on gender-nonconforming kids. Half of transgender adolescents attempt suicide by their 20^th birthdays, and 41% of transgender adults attempt suicide at some point in their lives. Harassment, isolation, and bullying all figure prominently in suicidal thoughts and actions.

Statistics show transgender children whose parents reject them or try to “fix” them are especially vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression as well as at a higher risk for suicide.

References:

1. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
2. Study examines families’ journeys to accepting transgender children. (2016, August 23). Retrieved from http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-08/asa-sef081616.php
3. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

When I educate medical health professionals about the complex links between emotional functioning and physical health, many express a fear that their patients will respond to a referral to therapy by saying, “So, are you saying this is all in my head?” I will try to provide a useful, realistic answer to this potentially thorny question.

Body, Mind, or Bodymind?

Modern neuroscience has helped us begin to see that the separation of body and mind is more a matter of grammatical convenience than scientific truth. Our nervous system, the network of cells that helps our brains connect with the rest of our organs, links our emotional processing center to every structure of our physical being. This has led some to use the term “bodymind” in recognition of the idea we gain nothing by continuing to arbitrarily separate mental life and physical life when they are so clearly interwoven (e.g., Keleman, 1989). When we think about ourselves as bodyminds, it begins to make sense that many physical symptoms are exacerbated or caused by emotional processes.

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How Emotions Become Physical Symptoms

Much developmental theory and research has helped demonstrate that experiences in our development, especially with our caregivers, shape our relationship to our emotions (e.g., Felitti, et al., 1998). We tend to treat our emotions similarly to how they were treated by others (Frederickson, 2013). As a result, those of us who had parents who responded to our emotions with anxiety, misattunement, or even punishment may develop anxiety about our own emotions. Many people experience anxiety when emotions are triggered by relationships and events in their day-to-day lives.

Maybe someday, rather than feeling afraid of the notion some aspect of their physical problems is “in their head,” people will feel hopeful about the possibility their symptoms might finally be explained and treated with psychotherapy.

Anxiety can manifest physically in the body in many ways. It can cause our skeletal muscles to tense, leading to pain and cramps. It can cause tension in the smooth muscles of the bowels, vascular system, urogenital system, and bronchi, leading to a variety of symptoms such as irritable bowel, hypertension, sudden urge to urinate or defecate, and difficulty breathing. Anxiety at very high levels can even cause changes in the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain, leading to difficulties thinking and perceiving the world, such as dizziness or blurry vision (Frederickson, 2013).

I point all this out to illustrate that anxiety triggered by the emotionally evocative events of our daily lives can produce a huge variety of physical symptoms. These symptoms can easily be, and often are, diagnosed and treated as if they are purely somatic, without considering the possibility emotional factors might be a major contributor. This can result in failed treatments and frustrated patients. See my other articles for more detailed information on the links between emotions and physical symptoms.

So, Is It All in Your Head?

The fact that emotional factors are contributing to your symptoms does not mean your symptoms are fake, as the notion of “all in your head” seems to suggest. Emotional factors create very real physical symptoms that are often mistaken for symptoms that have a purely medical origin. A recent study even showed that the brain of a person in emotional pain, when observed under fMRI, has a similar appearance to the brain of a person in physical pain (Kross, et al., 2011).

When we treat emotion-driven symptoms as if they are purely physical, and deny the component that is “in the head,” health care costs go up, symptoms persist or worsen, and frustration grows. Alternatively, evidence is beginning to show we can save time and health care costs by treating medically unexplained physical symptoms with psychotherapy (Abbass, et al., 2010).

Despite this evidence, it seems many medical practitioners fear their patients will be hurt by a referral to psychotherapy. There is some truth to this: many health care consumers are upset by the possibility their physical symptoms may have an emotional engine, and sometimes they exhaust all other diagnostic and treatment options before pursuing counseling. I hope the information presented here and in my other posts on somatization will help patients and practitioners to reap the benefits of a clearer understanding of the bodymind and the links between emotions and physical symptoms. Maybe someday, rather than feeling afraid of the notion some aspect of their physical problems is “in their head,” people will feel hopeful about the possibility their symptoms might finally be explained and treated with psychotherapy.

References:

1. Abbass, A., Campbell, S., Hann, G., Lenzer, I., Tarzwell, R., & Maxwell, D. (2010). Cost savings of treatment of medically unexplained symptoms using intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy by a hospital emergency department. Journal of the Academy of Medical Psychology, 1, 34-43.
2. Felitti, V., Anda, R., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D., Spitz, A., Edwards, V., Koss, M., & Marks, J. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The adverse childhood experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14, 245-258.
3. Frederickson, J. (2013). Co-creating change: Effective dynamic therapy techniques. Kansas City, MO: Seven Leaves.
4. Keleman, S. (1989). Your body speaks its mind. Berkeley, CA: Center Press.
5. Kross, E., Berman, M.G., Mischel, W., Smith, E.E., & Wager, T.D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of the Sciences of the United States of America, 108, 6270-6275.

“I feel like such a bad person.”

I have heard this sad statement from so many people who come to treatment struggling with terrible feelings about themselves. Typically, these “bad person” feelings are about having thoughts, wishes, or behaviors that have (or could potentially have) a negative impact on others, especially significant others. In order to fend off these feelings, people have lived their lives trying to prevent the experience that they are the cause of someone’s unwanted feelings: it is intolerable to consider that some statement they made or action they took could cause hurt, anger, disappointment, or any negative feeling. Such unacceptable reactions are “proof” that they have caused harm and are thus bad.

Expectations for behavior in families are learned early. When standards are dichotomized into either good or bad, children come to characterize not only their behaviors, but their personhood, as good or bad. For optimum development, children need positive responses from their parents. Reciprocal feelings of pleasing, loving, admiring, delighting in, kindness, etc., between parent and child are building blocks for self-esteem and self-confidence.

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In some families, “being good” is the only way to assure the receipt of positive feelings. But positive feelings are not enough for development into people who know themselves and are not fearful of relationships in the world. Children also need to learn to tolerate and manage negative feelings, both when they are directed toward the child and when the child wishes to express them to others. Children are seriously disadvantaged when parental expectations require them to have only positive feelings and ideas toward parents. If all negative expression to a parent is unacceptable or seen as harmful or destructive, the child must be vigilant: it becomes necessary to safeguard their internal world either by containing any negative feelings or by dissociating these feelings, creating unconscious certainty that they will not inadvertently be expressed. Any sense of oneself as harboring negative feelings toward a parent runs the risk of “bad person” feelings.

The Need to Excuse Parents’ Behaviors

The three people I am about to describe are struggling with the emergence of negative thoughts and feelings toward a parent. These intolerable feelings and the growing awareness that their reactions to parents (e.g., hurt or disappointment) may have some legitimacy create anxieties they are unprepared to deal with. One method for defusing the discomfort is to conceptualize the parent’s behavior in a context that makes the behavior rationally understandable and therefore acceptable. The rationales essentially excuse parents’ behaviors so that the person in therapy can disavow their own “bad person” feelings. Often, anxiety about their own negative thoughts or feelings toward a parent begins or is exacerbated when another significant other expresses negativity toward the parent.

Conrad has described how difficult his work life has been. He has little ability to take initiative at work or in his relationship with his wife. In general, he has trouble asserting himself in the world and struggles to think about what he wants and how to get it. This makes considering different work or how to better his relationships problematic. He lacks self-esteem and is vulnerable to feeling like he has done something wrong.

Conrad is remembering how his mother talked to him about his major in college: “She was always so helpful. She told me I was good at art, but I had to be practical and plan for a career which would enable me to take care of a family. I listened to her and went into finance. Ten years later, as you know, I hate my work, but I know she was only thinking of me. She lived through hard times as a kid, so my being secure financially is especially important to her. She only wanted what was best for me, and I can’t bear to feel that I cause her pain or disappoint her. I would feel so mean.”

Allowing the emergence of previously intolerable and unwanted feelings provides tools—not only for developing the self, but for the development of the self in relationship. Knowledge of feelings is a tool which can help address internal and external conflict. This means one has new and more information to decide both how and, sometimes more importantly, if to act.

Monica is depressed and anxious. She struggles with her son, who she feels rejects her and has become contemptuous of her relationship with her mother. This is intolerable for Monica, who has dedicated her life to taking care of others and making sure no one has any bad feelings because of her. Monica came to therapy because of how torn she is between trying to please her son and trying to make her mother happy. This internal and external tug-of-war is ruling Monica’s life, and there is little room for Monica to consider herself. In fact, before Monica began therapy, it never occurred to her that she should be a consideration. Monica is unable to act in any way that would make her feel she hasn’t done everything her mother expects of her.

Monica is tearing up as she tells me: “My son Rick never wants to visit my mother when I visit her. Mom is getting on in years and won’t be around much longer. I tell him he really hurts her feelings and upsets her when he doesn’t visit or call. He tells me it’s boring to visit and he hates that she always criticizes him and tells him what to do. I know that’s true, but I try to explain that she is very interested in his life and wants to make sure he does things right. Her heart is in the right place. It upsets me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong when my son behaves this way. I’m a bad mother and a bad daughter.”

Alan’s wife Nancy and his father always get into arguments. Nancy tells Alan that she doesn’t like the way his father talks about women and that his father hates women. It distresses Alan that she won’t keep her feelings to herself. Each fight between Nancy and his father throws Alan into an anxious frenzy: “Nancy is so mean to him. He loves her, but she doesn’t care. He does condescend to her, but it gets him very agitated when they fight. I worry he’ll have a heart attack. Why can’t she just keep quiet and understand he is a good dad and would never do anything to hurt us?”

Alan is a man in serious conflict. He adores and admires his father, but he frequently turns himself into a pretzel to provide for his father’s needs and wishes without feeling he is abandoning his wife. As he tries to provide what she needs and what his father needs, there is little consideration of what he desires. He has recently become aware of how it might be dangerous to know what he wants: “I think I would feel even more tortured if I had to choose between Dad, Nancy, and myself. But it’s getting harder and harder to feel I don’t exist as a person except to be there for the people I love. I know if I choose myself, it will confirm how selfish I am.”

Letting Go of Excuses and Feeling the Feelings

Conrad, Monica, and Alan could not tolerate negative feelings about their parents. All three felt at risk for feeling like awful people. They were stuck in their lives and limited in the choices they could make. In our work in therapy, it became important to recognize the pattern of excuse making and develop the awareness of anxiety that accompanied any leakage of negative thoughts and feelings about their parents. These three people began to connect how hard they worked to avoid unwanted feelings about their parents with how those feelings made them feel like bad people. They also began to recognize the connection between how their limited ability to tolerate feelings had affected their self-esteem and self-confidence as well as their ability to be autonomous in the world. They worked to let go of the excuses and make room for more authentic experiences in their relationships with themselves and, to some extent, with their parents.

The process of letting go of excuses to preserve positive feelings can produce intense anxiety as the letting go lessens the defenses and makes room for the “bad person” feelings to emerge. At the same time, the possibility for a less black-and-white palette for feelings becomes possible. As one begins to consider that there is a broad continuum between being “good” and “bad,” one can also begin to realize that having a negative feeling doesn’t automatically define one’s character. Recognition that having a wide range of feelings at our disposal makes us human becomes an important lesson in the therapeutic process. Becoming human is about separating and individuating.

For Conrad, Monica, and Alan, the separation-individuation process advanced when they could allow thoughts that previously were unacceptable. First, their heads told them that their lives were not as they wished them to be. Then, as they allowed their gut to become operational, they could use it to experience feelings that in the past were blocked and dismissed. Having these feelings facilitates the processes of self-reflection and self-engagement which promote self-knowledge. Thus, Conrad began to learn he still could nurture his artistic self and began to plan opening an art gallery. Monica has come to feel more kindly toward her son and has begun to acknowledge he can express feelings that she is only beginning to allow for herself. Alan is accepting that his attention to his own needs is not selfish, and can actually show a small smile when he tells me he chose his wishes over those of his father or his wife.

For all three, allowing feelings nurtures the growth of the self and the development of identity. They are discovering, “Who am I? Who am I in relationship to the world? What do I think, feel, want? What do I want to do?” Their need to block their feelings by making excuses is diminishing. Allowing the emergence of previously intolerable and unwanted feelings provides tools—not only for developing the self, but for the development of the self in relationship. Knowledge of feelings is a tool which can help address internal and external conflict. This means one has new and more information to decide both how and, sometimes more importantly, if to act.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Devoted animal lovers sometimes say their pets are like children—and like children, a furry best friend can cause plenty of strife in a relationship.

Whether it’s a disagreement about how to train a dog or a dispute over how much attention pets should get, conflict regarding pets can cause major turmoil. One study found that the average dog causes 2,000 arguments in his or her lifetime.

A disagreement about pets doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship, but it may require that each of you make some accommodations.

Practice Good Communication

If you’re starting a new relationship, take time to discuss your values regarding pets. If having an indoor cat or a dog that sleeps in your bed is important to you, you’ll need to ensure your partner shares these values or risk ending up in conflict. If you’re already in an established relationship, it’s time to begin communicating clearly and openly. Don’t get a new pet without consulting with your partner and getting his or her enthusiastic consent. If you want to change the way you do something with your pets—for example, allowing Fido to sleep in the bed or taking more frequent walks with your pet and your partner—talk to your partner before taking the plunge rather than making a decision and expecting him or her to abide by it.

Get Specific with the Problem

When there’s conflict over pets, getting specific about the problem can help you figure out a solution. If your husband complains about your dog constantly or your wife snaps at your cat, you might assume that the pet is the problem or that your partner hates your pet. But a change as simple as teaching your dog not to beg or keeping your cat off the bookshelf could remedy the issue. If you’re the pet lover, ask your partner specifically what the issue is and what would fix it. And if you’re the one resenting your partner’s pet, be clear about what you need to feel better.

Consult an Expert

A poorly trained dog or aggressive cat is frustrating to everyone, but the person who brought the pet into the relationship is sometimes more sympathetic to—and defensive about—the pet. If your partner is annoyed by a specific behavior such as excessive scratching, it’s time to call an expert. A trainer can work with you to make your pet a more mannerly member of the family, and a veterinarian can help you uncover hidden health problems that contribute to annoying behavior. It will cost some money, but it may be worth it to save your relationship and keep your pet happy and healthy.

Accept Differences

You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything. You may find that one of you is simply less in love with your pets than the other. As long as your partner isn’t abusive toward animals, he or she doesn’t have to let Fido lick him/her on the face or put up with Kitty’s constant scratching.

If you’re the one who brought the pet into the relationship, be prepared to do a little extra work. There’s no reason your partner has to love your pets as much as you do, or even spend as much time caring for them. As long as you can strike a fair balance that ensures your pet’s needs are met, consider giving your partner a pass on nightly pet duties.

References:

1. Johnston, S. (n.d.). Making peace with your partner’s pets. Match.com. Retrieved from http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12463/Making-Peace-With-Your-Partners-Pets-/

2. Man’s worst friend: Average dog causes 2,000 family arguments in its lifetime. (2012, January 11). Mail Online. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2084835/Mans-worst-friend-Average-dog-causes-2-000-family-arguments-lifetime.html

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I grew up in a large, loving family, and thought for most of my life that I’d have a few kids of my own. I do ache for a family all my own, children to shape, share, and dream with, and the life that comes with being a part of something bigger than myself.

But in an increasingly hostile and unstable world, I have found myself in recent years questioning whether bringing another soul into it is a selfish or irresponsible act. I am not generally a pessimistic person, but trends over the past couple of decades—violence, overpopulation, pollution, disease proliferation, climate change, and more—give me little reason to believe the world will be a hospitable or positive environment for any children I choose to have (by the time they become adults, anyway). I don’t think I’m being overly fearful. These concerns are real, and they’re not going away. If anything, they’re very likely to worsen.

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So where does that leave me? These concerns aren’t stopping most people from having children. All my friends are having them, blissfully leading their new, bigger lives seemingly without any consideration for what their children will face 10, 20, 50 years from now. I wouldn’t ever call these parents selfish or irresponsible to their faces, but I do think they are, at least to some degree. If I have children of my own, I think I’ll feel like a hypocrite. If I don’t have children, I may feel like I have the moral high ground but my life will be emptier, too. I don’t know how to reconcile these feelings.

Am I looking at this all wrong? Please help! —Conflicted About Children

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Conflicted,

The tension you are describing, between general principles and specific emotions, is challenging to reconcile. You are essentially torn between your head and your heart. Yes, the world can feel like a dark and scary place, particularly when so much of the news we read and hear focuses on tragedy. And yes, overpopulation is a global concern. Your concerns are real, and thinking about the world that your potential child(ren) might inherit is not unreasonable.

I wonder, however, about the role hope has for you as you look to the future. Is it possible that our children and our children’s children might play a pivotal role in reshaping the world for the better? In many ways, hope in the face of bleak prospects is one of the most radical stances we can take, and there is little in this world more hopeful than bringing a new life into this world. The parents you see “blissfully living their lives” are likely incredibly concerned, like you are, about the world their children will inherit. Perhaps that makes them more likely to live intentionally and seek solutions to the issues we face globally.

If adding to the global population truly does not sit well with you, there are ways to parent and nurture children who are already in the world and who could benefit from having loving adults to share and dream with.

None of us knows what will come next—what changes the world will see, what surprises our futures have in store for us. If we live only with thoughts about the long-term future, we risk missing the joy that can be found in the present moment. Your expressed desire to experience “the life that comes with being a part of something bigger than myself” is powerful and reveals something about how you find meaning in the world. There are, however, many ways to experience that life. If adding to the global population truly does not sit well with you, there are ways to parent and nurture children who are already in the world and who could benefit from having loving adults to share and dream with.

As you try to reconcile your mixed feelings, it might be helpful to find a good sounding board to explore how you might live authentically without denying yourself opportunities to live meaningfully. Counseling can be a great resource.

One final thought: I hear your concern about feeling like a hypocrite if you make choices at odds with your stated principles. True wisdom lies in reshaping our beliefs as we learn more about ourselves through life experience. This isn’t hypocrisy, it is growth. As you explore your feelings, it will be important to be open to reexamining what you believe and to be compassionate with yourself as you change and continue developing your worldview.

Best of luck,

Erika

Marriage rates in the United States are declining, according to a Demographic Intelligence report released in May 2015. At 6.74 marriages for every 1,000 people, the current rate is the lowest in a century, and further decline is expected.

Researchers suggest two different interpretations of these statistics, however. While some see this rate as a clear indication that the marriage rate is declining, others suggest that people may simply be postponing marriage until later in life.

For many, cohabitation may have replaced early marriage. In 1982, a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, based on a nationally representative sample of women and men, reported that only 3% of women who lived with a man were unmarried, while 44% of women surveyed were married. The same survey, conducted between 2006 and 2010, found that 11% of women living with men were unmarried, while only 36% of respondents were married at the time of the survey. (The survey only surveyed men and women, and did not report on marriages between individuals of the same gender.) The more recent survey implied that for the first time historically, people were postponing marriage: The probability of a woman being married by age 40, according to the data, was virtually identical across all years.

Though the marriage rate appears to be declining, it is clear that many people still desire to marry. Why is that? Two people living together might just as easily say to each other, “I will be committed to you forever,” and be done. Some partners do commit in this way, without much fuss, but others follow the more traditional ritual of marriage, complete with a ring, a party, an officiator, and crying friends and family members. For many, these traditions are invested with great meaning. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Perhaps a desire to be connected at the core is what propels some people toward marriage. This “core,” something nebulous that can’t be pinpointed or measured scientifically, may serve to represent a level of deeper connection that many people aspire to reach. Some may feel this can only be accomplished through marriage. This idea may lead some who want this connection but fear they will never experience it to avoid seeking it altogether, in order to avoid hurt and disappointment.

But beyond this core, I believe there are six essential elements to any strong and healthy marriage (or long-term partnership). These elements, more than any other benefit of marriage, may be what some people are seeking—and waiting for.

Connection

Most of us want to connect with others in some way. Many people consider meaningful connections—whether these connections are with friends, family members, or significant others—to be the most important part of their lives or what they desire most from life. A listening ear, validation, empathy, sharing, and understanding can all be elements of a healthy connection. These elements serve as a basis of establishment as well as the benefits of the connection. This connection is not limited to marriage, however. It can be experienced within the context of a friendship, parent-child relationship, or strong sibling relationship.

A strong connection often serves as a foundation upon which other elements are built. Therefore, when we feel disconnected from our partner, this can be a warning sign, and it might be beneficial to seek the help of a professional in order to avoid losing something fundamental.

Commitment

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Commitment is more than just staying power. In some of the long-term cohabiting couples I have worked with, even couples who have been together long enough to have teenage children, one partner said they felt deprived, in a way, by not having been asked to get married. It seems to me that commitment is the act of choosing a partner for life and, with that act, implying unconditional acceptance of the person—flaws and all.

Cohabiting, like marriage, can end at any time. But I believe the difference to lie in the beginning, not the ending. For some, cohabitation might begin with a sort of shrug, a “Let’s see if we can make this work.” It’s often an experiment. It might be a fun one, but for some, it represents a temporary state of being that will eventually lead to either breakup or marriage, rather than a long-term choice (though of course, some individuals enter a cohabiting arrangement committed to each other, with no plans to alter their arrangement).

A breakup, after which a cohabiting partner moves out, can be painful and difficult. But when a divorce ends a marriage, much of the pain often lies in the rejection of the commitment upon which the marriage was founded.

Giving

I do not often see “giving” in Top 10 lists, yet I can’t think of a more important grease to make a marriage run smoothly. Giving, to me, is the tangible show of commitment, of choice, of a deeper attachment than mere friendship. When one partner focuses solely on the self, the other partner becomes an object, not someone who is special and loved.

True giving is unconditional. When we give to get something in return, we are just being selfish in a different way, and this type of giving is unlikely to strengthen a marriage.

A person may also give out of fear of being alone. This type of giving often comes from a lack of self-esteem, or the internal belief, “I am not worthy of love,” and is often characterized by urgency and fear. This “needy giving,” often intended to keep the other partner from leaving the relationship, is typically not an element of love.

Respect

Giving, even giving from the heart, doesn’t mean much if we don’t respect our partner. Respect comes from a deep understanding of our significant other, of their thoughts, reactions, opinions, values, and attitudes. Respect for who our partner is may cause us to look forward to their homecoming each night, make it unlikely we feel bored in their company. Our understanding of who our partner is as a person, and our respect for the qualities that make up our partner, often leads to the growth of admiration. This, in turn, may contribute to the feelings of pleasure we experience in our partner’s company.

Respect also might grow when the marriage, or either individual in it, faces a challenge. When a marriage is troubled, when one or both partners have lost their respect for the other due to mistakes, choices they’ve made, or other issues, watching a partner withstand trials, make different choices, and repair their share of the damage can lead to the growth of new respect. This newfound respect may in fact become the soil in which the seeds of love are replanted, even when it seems a marriage is over.

Trust

I believe that when there is a solid mutual connection, commitment, giving, and respect, the trust partners have for each other cannot be broken. There would be no reason behind breaking trust, no gain. It is my belief and experience that, for betrayal to occur, there has to be a weak link somewhere. When one partner discovers the other partner is having an affair, for example, it is generally the case that earlier warning signs were missed.

To rebuild a sense of trust when it has been lost, the connection between partners must be reestablished. To facilitate this, both partners must understand their role in the breakdown of the connection. (Both partners have typically contributed in some way to the breakdown of the connection, even if only by not drawing attention to the fact that the relationship was in danger.) This process of understanding, which requires honesty and soul-searching, is unlikely to be quick or simple. Partners must both be honest with themselves and with each other and make appropriate, heartfelt apologies. Open, vulnerable honesty is not only an essential part of the healing process, it is also a necessity for what I have found to be the most important element of a marriage—intimacy.

Intimacy

Most people immediately relate intimacy to sex, when actually, having sex can serve as a way of avoiding intimacy. The most important elements of intimacy are openness and honesty, both of which may require the sharing of things that one is ashamed of. Yet being able to be vulnerable to a partner is the very ingredient that makes the act of sex one of such supreme closeness and, well, intimacy.

The vulnerability of real intimacy can be compared to the thrill of roller coasters: We know we won’t die, but we feel, in the pit of our stomach, as if we might. We are about to give up our very selves, just for a moment, and we could lose everything in that moment. In terms of a partnership, it is in that moment that we are one.

But how do we get there? How do we overcome the shyness, the shame of discussing a father who abandoned the family or a mother who berated us and made us feel small?

To do so, we must develop self-love. We must get to that place where we know we are not our parents, where we no longer believe their abuse. We must love ourselves for who we are and who we can be. This self-love is what can eventually allow us to be open, honest, and vulnerable with another person.

References:

1. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K., Vespa, J., & Mosher, W. D. (2012, March 22). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth. National Health Statistics Reports, (49). Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
2. Kaveh, K. (2015, December 14). 7 reasons marriage is on the decline. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-kaveh/7-reasons-marriage-is-on-the-decline_b_8744654.html
3. Stevens, H. (2015, May 18). Marriage at a 100-year low—and that’s a good thing. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-marriage-in-decline-balancing-20150518-column.html

Negative feedback from teachers can increase concentration issues, disruptions, and overall negative behavior in students, according to a new study published in Assessment for Effective Intervention. Teachers may use negative feedback in an attempt to curtail problematic behavior among children, but the study suggests this approach has the reverse effect.

How Negative Teacher Attention Harms Students

For the study, Wendy Reinke—an associate professor of educational, school, and counseling psychology at the University of Missouri College of Education—and her colleagues developed a tool for monitoring student-teacher interactions. The Brief Student-Teacher Classroom Interaction Observation (ST-CIO) tool requires a five-minute observation period to assess whether an interaction is negative or positive.

Using the ST-CIO, researchers observed 53 teachers’ interactions with 896 students in kindergarten through third grade. They found the tool was able to capture information similar to that captured by longer observations, suggesting the ST-CIO might be a good way for principals, researchers, and others to quickly assess student-teacher interactions.

[fat_widget_right]The researchers then observed a correlation between teacher-student interactions and student behavior. Students who received more negative than positive feedback from their teachers during the year had a significant increase in disruptive behavior, concentration difficulties, and problems with emotion regulation by the end of the school year. Students who received positive feedback saw no such increase and were more likely to engage in positive, prosocial behaviors in the future.

The Role of Teachers in Student Mental Health

The study notes that previous research has linked student-teacher interactions to both academic and behavioral outcomes. Most students spend six to nine hours each day with their teachers, which may be more time than some students spend with any other adult.

Particularly among students who come from struggling families, whose parents are uninvolved, or whose families are abusive, teachers may fill an important void. Teachers may also be the first to notice signs of learning difficulties and mental health diagnoses such as attention-deficit hyperactivity.

References:

1. Negative attention from teachers can lead to more negative student behaviors. (2011, August 8). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/08/160808150536.htm
2. Reinke, W. M., Herman, K. C., & Newcomer, L. (2016). The brief student-teacher classroom interaction observation: Using dynamic indicators of behaviors in the classroom to predict outcomes and inform practice. Assessment for Effective Intervention. doi:10.1177/1534508416641605

As someone who works a lot with self-esteem, I’m always curious to know where people are with their feelings of self-worth and self-acceptance. Some enter my office reassuring me that self-esteem is not a problem for them. But as we start to work together, I often begin hearing patterns that indicate a person may have perfectionist tendencies. People are sometimes surprised to hear that perfectionism and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand.

People with perfectionist tendencies habitually judge and measure themselves by what was not accomplished, rather than what was. They see the 95% on a test and focus on the 5% of questions they got wrong. They come in second place and beat themselves up for not coming in first. They fail to see the beauty of their artwork, instead focusing on the smudges no one else would notice. Or they get hung up on the few tasks they didn’t quite accomplish while overlooking the progress they did make despite the barriers that may have gotten in the way.

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The language and self-talk of perfectionist people tends to include a lot of “should” statements: I should have performed better; I should have practiced harder; I should have achieved more. They set up unrealistic, rigid, or too lofty expectations, which inevitably result in feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Being a perfectionist is not the same thing as having healthy goals. Striving to grow and better yourself is a healthy endeavor when coupled with the knowledge that doing so takes time and no matter what, you will still have shortcomings. When a person is unable to accept weaknesses and failures, they never feel “good enough” and self-esteem is impaired. Perfectionist people tend to be highly critical and judgmental, especially regarding themselves.

Procrastination and an inability to make decisions are often other symptoms of perfectionism. For a perfectionist, making a decision, even a seemingly insignificant one, can become very difficult due to fear of making a wrong or bad choice. For example, it may be difficult to choose a restaurant out of fear your suggestion may disappoint your partner or friend. Perfectionists may delay or put off making decisions or starting new endeavors out of concern they won’t get it exactly right. For some people, this can result in extreme anxiety. The problem with indecisiveness and procrastination driven by perfectionism is that the further we get from being able to voice our opinions or follow our dreams, the more we lose our identity and let feelings of self-worth slip away.

Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown defines perfectionism as a self-destructive and addictive belief system driven by feelings of shame. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success,” she writes. “In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.”

Perfection is impossible, but rather than accept this as true, people with perfectionist tendencies often go on seeking to achieve it. Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves, and thus the harder they strive to meet impossible expectations in an attempt to boost feelings of self-worth.

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Perfectionism can also take a toll on relationships. People with perfectionist tendencies often aim to achieve intimacy and approval by trying to appear perfect to those around them. They may put on a facade to hide their true selves, which naturally includes imperfections, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. This front tends to limit closeness in relationships and may make others uncomfortable, as the person with perfectionism may be viewed as fake, unapproachable, or inflexible. Over time, attempts to be and appear perfect can lead to burnout.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Escaping perfectionist tendencies can be a daunting task. Our society is filled with media and advertising that portray unrealistic standards of existence, and it can be difficult to accept these as inflated and embellished paradigms rather than as possible and attainable ideals.

If you recognize that you have perfectionist tendencies, accept it as a normal and common issue rather than criticizing yourself. Think about what your beliefs and potentially irrational thoughts are regarding what will happen if you are not perfect. Work toward making peace with imperfections and recognizing that perfection is an unreachable and fleeting goal.

Relax your standards, lower the bar for yourself, and begin setting more realistic goals. Cut yourself some slack and watch out for the tendency to overcompensate for flaws rather than just accept yourself as human. Partner with a therapist if you need some help. Remember, mistakes are how we learn. It may benefit you to adopt an affirmation or mantra, such as, “I do the best I can.” Praise yourself for the accomplishments in your day, no matter how small they may seem.

As you begin to practice self-acceptance and give yourself praise for the things you have accomplished, your perfectionism may gradually lessen. Letting go of the tendency to dwell on limitations or deficiencies may allow you to both feel better about yourself and focus your energy on positive and achievable growth.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.