When you have attention-deficit hyperactivity, managing the demands of adult life—working, paying bills on time, completing necessary tasks, and so on—can be enough of a challenge when you only have to take care of yourself. If you are a parent, the added responsibility of a child or multiple children can add to the potential for chaos.

What happens when the second parent also has ADHD? Is this a recipe for disaster? It certainly doesn’t have to be. Two parents with ADHD have the full ability to parent well and thrive by recognizing potential areas of difficulty, taking preemptive steps to navigate them, and exploring ways to become more organized.

Here are several suggestions that can help you keep track of the many parenting considerations you navigate on a daily basis. These ideas may make it easier to keep things running smoothly in your home.

• Have clear guidelines on which parent is responsible for which things (always, or on specific days) and have these written down for easy reference. Does one parent make the lunches each night? Is the parent who gets home the one responsible for cooking dinner? Which parent goes grocery shopping each week? [fat_widget_right]
• For less common occurrences such as sports practices, after-school activities, and so on, make sure it is clear which parent is responsible for dropping off and picking up the kids.
• Look at your work calendar and any other calendars you have to ensure you do not have conflicts that impact your ability to drop off, pick up, or otherwise be available for childcare-related responsibilities when you are needed.
• Set weekly or biweekly meetings to review the schedule in order to catch any conflicts with pre-planned responsibilities or discuss any challenges that arise. Maybe one of you really hates making lunches and would be happy to do another task instead. Communication is key!

When it comes to shared parenting-related responsibilities, specific tools may help you keep track more effectively. Consider the following:

• A joint calendar can show all activities and notes about who is responsible for dropping off and picking up the kids. If specific items (baseball bag, violin) are needed, add those in the notes section or use a notification to remind the parent to pack that item. The Family calendar on Apple Devices is often a good option because it provides a notification when a new event has been added. Another good option might be creating a shared Google account with a calendar.
• A shared task list can be immensely helpful. Having one list for responsibilities shared between parents and another list for each parent’s responsibilities is often useful. What’s important is that all three task lists can be viewed and edited by both parents. This lets both parents see what they need to do and add tasks for the other parent if needed. This can be helpful if you have a hard time remembering to tell your partner things that need to get done. This is also a good way for parents who are divorced to share information easily. The Reminders App and Wunderlist are good options for this. GTasks is another good option, but most task list apps would work, as long as they allow lists to be shared with others.
• Apps that track feedings, diaper changes, and naps can be helpful for parents of infants and toddlers. These apps ensure the necessary information is communicated between parents. Baby Tracker and Daily Connect are good options for tracking this type of information.
• A kitchen whiteboard or something similar can help keep track of tasks. Depending on what needs to be kept track of and how tech-savvy you both are, sometimes it’s helpful to have a “hard copy” of the task list at home. The benefit of this type of system is that it is easily viewable at home. It does have downsides: It isn’t portable, and there aren’t any reminders or notifications!

This list of suggestions is not exhaustive. However, I hope it has given you some useful tools—or ideas, at the very least—for keeping track of parenting responsibilities more easily.

If you’re a parent, you have to keep track of many responsibilities and tasks, whether you have ADHD or not. Having ADHD can make parenting more challenging, but it doesn’t have to cause difficulty. If you’d like to further explore parenting with ADHD or believe the support of a therapist or counselor may be beneficial, I encourage you to reach out and seek help today.

You have discovered your teenage daughter is pregnant. Suddenly, teenage pregnancy is no longer just part of a dramatic storyline in a television show, or something that happens to someone else’s child. It’s now a part of your life.

You are likely reeling. This was not part of your dream for your daughter. Maybe you were a young parent yourself and envisioned your daughter’s life as being different. Maybe this is totally outside of your experience or expectations.

Breathe.

It’s not surprising that you’re feeling a powerful mix of emotions and picturing a thousand awful and stereotypical outcomes. Anger, disappointment, fear, worry, embarrassment, and grief are common (and normal!) responses. Along with these emotions, solutions are probably also leaping into your mind.

Keep breathing.

How You Can Support Your Daughter

At this moment in time, parenting your child from a place of love and reason is absolutely critical. You have the potential to be a powerful guide to your daughter—just maybe not in the way you might think. Many parents have the impulse to overpower their daughter’s wishes and impose their will on the situation. This impulse is typically rooted in love and concern. But your strongest ability to help your daughter lies in your relationship with her. This is deceptively simple-sounding, as doing so is anything but easy. Most parents do not initially find themselves here.

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The purpose of this article is not to push any agenda or argue that any one choice is better than another. It is not to explain the ins and outs of abortion, parenting, or adoption. My goal here is to help you learn how to give your daughter the support she needs to make the best and most thoughtful decision she can.

If I’m being honest, this article is about you. Yes, the you that is reeling. This is not your decision, neither legally nor ethically. The decision of what to do about her pregnancy affects your daughter’s life, possibly far into the future. She needs to deeply consider herself, her values, and her goals, and she needs to make–and own—her decision thoughtfully. The more careful care and consideration goes into your daughter’s decision, the more likely it is that her plan will reduce potentially negative impact.

You have your opinions, your values, your experience, and your wisdom. These are valuable. And certainly, you want an opportunity to share these with your daughter. But that will take a relationship. Not the “I’m your parent, and you will do as I say if you are living under my roof,” kind of relationship, but the “I won’t always agree with you, but I will stand beside you and hold your hand and be here when you need me,” kind of relationship.

If you are not currently on the best terms with your daughter, developing this relationship might require some backing up and rebuilding of trust and openness. Some families will benefit from the support of a professional therapist to get there. Just remember, this is an adult issue. Yes, your daughter may still be a child, and she will always be your child. But if you treat her as a misbehaving kid, you are unlikely to be invited to her table. Even if you were able to influence her decision or make the choice for her, there is great potential for a lasting negative impact on both your daughter and your relationship with her. You are important, a critically important figure in her life, but how you approach her determines if she will hear you.

This isn’t the time to talk about abstinence, birth control, or what either of you did wrong. It doesn’t matter how you found out or what you think of the father (unless there are legal issues). Simply be thankful that you now know, and shift into relationship mode ASAP. Your initial reaction may be anger, and you may want to scold and lecture. But this is not the time. It’s time to let your daughter tell you what happened from a place of safety, concern, and information gathering.

The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.

What you are all facing is big. Really big. But your overarching parenting goals and your goals for your teen haven’t changed. You still want her to be okay. You want her to be healthy and happy, for her to function in the world, and for her to be able to work toward a bright future. Her pregnancy doesn’t change any of that, though it may adjust your vision of her future.

The biggest and most important thing is to focus on helping your teen think clearly about herself and her choices. There is no easy decision, and there is no one right decision. But the decision must be her decision.

Making a decision of this magnitude can be a cognitive stretch for many teens, and your guidance through the process is imperative. We all know it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get a teenager to do what you want if they are not on board. You may get compliance on the surface (when you’re watching), but you lose the opportunity to really be heard. I have seen too many teens respond to their parent’s ultimatums by continuing on the same path, completely outside of their parent’s sight and guidance. In other words, if you forbid her to see her boyfriend again (barring legal issues), she will find a way to see him. She might move out. She might just do what she wants in secret. Either way, the goal of protecting her can end up putting her in an even more dangerous situation. Your daughter can only benefit from your help and wisdom if you maintain your relationship with her.

In a nutshell, your teen needs you to get hold of yourself. This might sound harsh, but you can’t be helpful to her until you do. Find a way to tell her you’re there for her and trust her ability to think this through—even if you have doubts. Yes, your feelings are real and need to be felt and processed. But getting stuck in anger or resentment won’t help anyone.

Talk to your partner, a friend, a therapist, or all of the above. Take time to cry and grieve. Then go back to your teen, ready to help her grasp the lasting implication of pregnancy and model and support good decision-making. When you are calm and able to think rationally, you can help your child do the same. If you don’t feel able to provide calm guidance, I encourage you to seek support for your daughter from a therapist or trusted adult.

Looking to the Future

Mapping a plan for the future can be calming. Surveying the scene and gathering information is a good place to begin this process. A good first step is to make a doctor’s appointment. Your teen needs to be seen by a doctor whether she chooses to terminate the pregnancy or not. Finding out how far along she is and getting detailed information about prenatal care can help her understand her options and begin prioritizing health and self-care practices.

Ask her about her goals, values, feelings, and fears, and hear what she has to say. Listen with compassion, even if you disagree. Get a sense of her understanding of the choices she has made to that point and of her options for the future. Help her access factual, unbiased resources that can answer her questions.

Though I encourage you to avoid focusing on why your daughter got pregnant, it’s still worth considering the following personal factors. These can indicate that parenting may be more difficult, the grief of adoption more traumatic, and the need for specialized attention and professional help greater.

• Substance use and abuse is a serious concern that needs immediate attention whether your child plans to carry the baby to term or chooses to have an abortion.
• Teen parents are at greater risk of developing prenatal and postpartum depression.
• Past trauma, impulse control issues, anger issues, maturity, and the ability of the family to provide support are more important considerations.
• Was the pregnancy planned? This is more common than you might imagine and warrants careful exploration.
• Is your teen involved in a coercive or violent relationship? If so, it’s important she gets the support she needs to understand the nature of the relationship (if she doesn’t already), end it, and cope with the effects of trauma or abuse.

Have I seen teens with many things working against them parent successfully? Most certainly. What those teens had in common was support, either in their home or from some other source, and a powerful inner resilience and drive.

Now, back to you. What are you able and willing to do to support your daughter if she plans to parent? Do you have the time, resources, and desire to help? Are you able to provide support while she finishes school and goes to college? Can your personality lend itself to seeking the delicate balance of empowering her as a mother, supporting her as a teen and as a teen parent, while still parenting her as your daughter? These are not easy questions. Answering them requires soul-searching and perhaps some uncomfortable honesty. But it is essential you honestly evaluate what you are and are not able to do so your daughter can consider this information when making her decision.

Both you and your child may experience some measure of grief. Grief if the pregnancy is ended, grief if the child is placed for adoption, and grief for a childhood altered if your child chooses to raise the baby. It will likely help both of you to know your child made the best, most informed decision she could. Explore ways to process this grief, and create space to do so. There may not be any customs or rituals in our culture that make a space for this sort of pain, but that does not make it any less real. Rather, it becomes even more important to work through this pain with intention. When grief goes unresolved, suffering may be greater, and there may be an increased desire to cope by finding something to mask or fill that painful space. This “something” may be a positive coping mechanism, but it could also be something harmful such as substance abuse or risky behavior.

You may be also wondering how you can help your daughter prevent another pregnancy. Grounding her until she is 30 is not a good strategy. Instead, I encourage you to help her learn to set appropriate boundaries, find a no-nonsense birth control plan (offer guidance, but this decision should also be hers), and practice ongoing open communication.

This is not the end of her world, or yours. There will be joy again.

I believe in you both.

I work daily with people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Some grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent. Others are married to someone with narcissism. Still others may simply have a close relationship with a person who is emotionally abusive and has traits of narcissism.

Despite their unique personal circumstances, they are all are seeking help to address and heal from the effects a narcissistic relationship has had on their lives. They generally come to therapy looking not only for help, but also for answers to their questions. In this article, I address eight of the most common questions I am asked by people seeking support for narcissistic and emotional abuse.

1. How do I get my parent/partner/best friend to change?

You cannot change another person. You can only change your own actions and responses, and that can be hard enough! Instead of trying to get someone else to change, I encourage you to simply let that person be who they are. A person who does not want to change will probably not change. Your job is to take care of yourself.

2. How can I keep my children from being hurt by someone with narcissism?

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Children tend to be influenced by the people they are around. If you are concerned about your co-parent’s actions and behavior, or if you have reason to believe they are consistently lying and attempting to manipulate your children, you may be dealing with parental alienation syndrome. Some parents with narcissistic traits use this complex form of covert manipulation as a tool to encourage children to reject the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome shares similarities with brainwashing and can have a serious impact on the parent-child relationship.

If you are the other parent in this scenario, then this can be a challenging situation. The best approach to dealing with this type of abuse is to limit the other parent’s influence on the child. If that not possible, here are some suggestions:

1. Teach your children critical thinking skills.
2. Demonstrate a safe, empathic, non-controlling relationship with your children.
3. Focus on the relationship you have with your children. Try to be more “in tune” with your kids. Spend quality time with them.
4. Relax and enjoy yourself, your kids, and your life.
5. Be the adult. Don’t put yourself in the one-down position. Don’t put yourself in the same position as your children in the family system either.
6. Keep your power. Don’t give it to the other parent.
7. Seek support from a therapist or counselor. Family therapy can also be helpful.

3. What do I say to them when they text or call? 

If you are dealing with a person who is emotionally abusive or manipulative, going “no contact” may be the best solution. Block the person from your phone and on social media. This way you will not have to worry about receiving texts, calls, or messages. If you ever see the person while out, it may be a good idea to avoid them.

If you must talk to this person, keep conversations short, simple, and on topic. Hold on to yourself during the encounter. Don’t get sucked in by attempts to manipulate you. If possible, consider including a third person in the meeting. Ideally, this person is someone you trust to remain non-combative, whose presence can help you remain grounded.

4. How do I handle or respond to the silent treatment?

The best thing to do with the silent treatment is to avoid it. If you know someone you care about is prone to manipulating you with the silent treatment, then you can simply avoid it by staying away from the person when they attempt to use silent treatment. Being in contact with someone who has narcissistic traits is often complicating and confusing. The silent treatment is a powerful manipulation tool. It is a hurtful control tactic. People experiencing silent treatment may feel like they have to do whatever the narcissist wants in order to establish connection again.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal.

If it is not possible for you to avoid this person, one solution may be to leave the room if you are pointedly being ignored. Surround yourself with safe people instead. The best way to counteract the silent treatment is to take your focus off the other person, connect to someone else, and move on. It may help to remind yourself that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is not something you “earned” or “deserved” for something you did or did not do.

5. How do I co-parent with a narcissist?

It is, in most cases, extremely difficult to co-parent with someone who has narcissistic traits. Collaboration and cooperation is often not possible. You have to parent in spite of the fact that the other parent has “issues.” Some people feel as if their children really only have one parent, as in many cases people with narcissism may not be capable of healthy parenting. It’s important to have a support system, especially if, for whatever reason, you have to continue to see and parent with the person (shared custody, for example). A therapist or counselor is often a key part of this support.

6. How do I break free from a narcissistic relationship?

People with narcissism are often described as addictive. The constant cycle of good-bad behavior can create a trauma bond.

The “addiction” to the person with narcissism is really an addiction to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding within the relationship. When a relationship is unfulfilling, you may be left with a constant state of emptiness. This emptiness is temporarily relieved by each positive encounter with the person. In order to overcome this, it may be necessary to entirely abstain. But this can be a difficult journey.

When a relationship feels fulfilling and good, chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins are released in the brain. But chemicals released when trying to detach from a toxic bond, such as cortisol (the stress hormone), are vastly different. They do not feel as good as the “love chemicals,” and you may feel drawn back in to the relationship.

Remind yourself that you may not feel very good for a while. You may experience feelings of withdrawal and grief. But you will heal in time. Turning to friends and family, other members of your support system, practicing self-care, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor are all ways you can work through a difficult breakup.

7. How do I heal from growing up with a narcissistic parent?

Children of narcissistic parents have been developed and conditioned to always evaluate reality based on external reactions. They have learned to use the narcissistic parent as the barometer for how to act and be.

In order to healing to take place, learning to change the vantage point for your identity is an essential step. In other words, it’s important to remember to look within for answers. This shift from what you’ve learned to do in childhood will typically take time and practice to master.

Here are some suggestions to help you on your journey:

• Find your voice.
• Learn how you may have dissociated and/or developed “sub-selves” to cope.
• Work to develop an inner compassionate voice.
• Create self-care mantras: “You are enough.” “You’re not responsible for their feelings.” “It’s not your fault.”
• Connect with safe people, and share your emotions and feelings with them.
• Find a good therapist (who can help you with all of the above).
• Join a support group, such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics.)

8. How do I recover from estrangement with my child?

Parents who have been affected by parental alienation may be estranged from their children. This can be very painful. Your emotional energy may be expended in wishing your child would realize the truth and reach out to you for reconciliation. You may feel hopeless or experience grief, depression, or despair.

A counselor can support you and help you work through your feelings. It can also help to:

1. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault.
2. Live the best life you can.
3. Keep lines of communication open.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be abused by your child.
5. Listen with empathy when and if your child talks to you. Allow them to state their feelings or the truth as they believe it, but do not tolerate disrespect.
6. Practice self-care. This can include spending time with loved ones, getting enough sleep, avoiding sad or triggering situations, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy, among other things.
7. Offer your love to others. In other words, you have emotional energy to expend in loving ways. Don’t hold it in.
8. Try not to give up hope. It can help to live each day with a heart that is open and ready for reconciliation. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal. I encourage you to seek support through this difficult journey. Reach out to your loved ones, and seek the help of a compassionate counselor. You are not alone!

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References:

1. Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare. New York, NY: Archer Publishing.
2. Carnes, P.(1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free from exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
3. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA:  Oaksong Press.
4. Cori, J. L. (2017). The emotionally absent mother: How to recognize and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. New York, NY: The Experiment, LLC.

In the bestselling book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, Dr. Mary Pipher discusses the negative impact adolescence can have on young women. She observes that before girls hit adolescence, they are free. Relatively unaffected by the demands society places on them due to their gender, especially the pressure to be attractive, they are not afraid to express their true selves.

But in adolescence, the desire for acceptance can result in an endless struggle to look the “right” way, wear the “right” clothes and be accepted by the “right” crowd. These pursuits may increase the risk that girls lose a large part of their true selves. In fact, Pipher argues that these pressures often lead girls to a dramatic realization: they must make a choice between being themselves and being accepted.

Consider the character Ophelia from Shakespere’s Hamlet. She begins the play as a young girl, happy and free, unaware of the demands she will face as a young woman. When Ophelia hits adolescence, she follows the allure of romantic love and falls for Hamlet. Because of her love for him, she lives to please him. At the same time, she still wants to obey her father. When Hamlet refuses her because of her obedience to her father, grief overwhelms her, and she dies by drowning after falling from a tree.

“Something dramatic happens to girls in early adolescence,” Pipher says, comparing the lost selves of girls to the planes and ships that vanish in the Bermuda Triangle. “They crash and burn in a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle,” Pipher goes on to say, pointing to studies that show girls’ IQ scores to drop in adolescence. Their scores in math and science plummet similarly. “They lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks. They lose their assertive, energetic and “tomboyish” personalities and become more deferential, self-critical and depressed. They report great unhappiness with their own bodies” (Pipher, 1994, p. 19). [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

It’s essential for girls to understand their value should not be based on their sexual appeal. This awareness can help them hold on to their true selves. Pipher points out that it is during adolescence that girls begin to realize the emphasis on female attractiveness, to the point of objectification. “But girls today are much more oppressed. They are coming of age in a more dangerous, sexualized, and media-saturated culture. They face incredible pressures to be beautiful and sophisticated, which in junior high means using chemicals and being sexual. As they navigate a more dangerous world, girls are less protected” (p. 12). Girls who are aware of this emphasis on beauty, who are attempting to navigate these pressures, may no longer feel like a whole person. Instead, they may feel as if they are merely an object that must be pleasing to others. As a result, they may experience depression, anxiety, and general overwhelm.

How Can Parents Help Their Daughters?

“We can strengthen girls so that they will be ready. We can encourage emotional toughness and self-protection. We can support and guide them.” (p. 13).

The pain of losing their true selves is often too much for many teens to handle. To cope with this pain, they may turn to drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. They may self-harm or act out sexually. Teaching adolescents how to turn to positive coping skills instead of negative ones is key.

Parents play a critical role in the lives of their daughters. Pipher suggests that the most successful teens have parents who enforce rules but maintain a loving relationship. In the absence of a loving relationship, there is often rebellion.

Keeping a solid relationship with a teen girl can be challenging for parents, however. At a time when they may need the most help, teens often turn away from their parents and toward their peers. Though many parents might see this behavior as selfish, it is actually an appropriate part of adolescent development.

The pain of losing their true selves is often too much for many teens to handle. To cope with this pain, they may turn to drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. They may self-harm or act out sexually. Teaching adolescents how to turn to positive coping skills instead of negative ones is key.

This can be as simple as encouraging them to:

• Engage in physical activities (like sports or self-defense classes)
• Express their feelings (perhaps through art or journaling)
• Implement self-reward strategies
• Consider elements of a healthy relationship and understand aspects of an unhealthy relationship (this includes friendships and romantic relationships)

In addition to teaching adolescent girls how to cope, we must teach them that pain is a part of life. Our ad-saturated culture often socializes girls to believe that pain is abnormal and should be avoided at all costs, Pipher writes. If we are not happy, something must be wrong. But pain is a part of life. Not only does it help build our characters, it can give us the ability to help others in similar situations.

Dealing with mood shifts and distancing can be hard on parents. But understanding this developmental stage can go a long way in maintaining a positive relationship. Also, at this time more than ever, teen girls need other trusted adults in their lives, such as coaches, teachers, youth leaders, or therapists. These people can step in and provide guidance and sound advice to teens who distance themselves from their parents as part of typical development.

“Without some help, the loss of wholeness, self-confidence, and self-direction can last well into adulthood. Many adult clients struggle with the same issues that overwhelmed them as adolescent girls” (p. 25).

The good news is this: adolescence doesn’t last forever. It is a temporary stage that can be handled successfully. In fact, Pipher believes that girls who are able to maintain a sense of wholeness and hold onto their true selves during this time will become healthier and more well-adjusted young adults.

I highly recommend this book to all teen girls and their parents or mentors. If you would like to learn more about therapy for adolescents, or think your daughter needs more help than you can provide, I encourage you to seek support from a trained therapist or counselor. [amazon_affiliate]

Reference:

Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the selves of adolescent girls. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My adult daughter is incredibly gifted (she tested around 130 IQ), but she has pretty serious depression. The sleeps-all-day, forgets-to-eat kind. It took her an extra two years to graduate from college because she kept turning assignments in late. Once she got her engineering degree, everyone thought she’d get a job easily, but she bombed all her interviews. Eventually she ended up working as a waitress.

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She’s been in therapy for a year now, and her more serious symptoms have improved. My daughter says she wants to quit her job and go to graduate school. However, she keeps procrastinating on applications and missing deadlines. When I try to ask about her progress, she clams up and shuts me out.

I know she’s an adult now. I can’t do everything for her. But I would hate to see my daughter’s depression sabotage her career. All she needs is a little support for her condition.

Should I take a more active role in guiding my child? Or is my daughter’s procrastination a sign she’s not actually ready for graduate school? I want her to reach her full potential, but I don’t want to push her into a situation she can’t handle. —Not an Empty Nester Yet

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Not an Empty Nester,

It can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It can be even harder when you feel so helpless. Your daughter is an adult, is in therapy, and has to be in charge of her future. Your desire to help her comes from a loving place, but sadly, it is not the kind of help she needs.

Often when we try to help our kids by smoothing their path or taking care of things for them, we unintentionally signal that we’re not confident in their ability to manage things. This can reinforce their self-doubts and contribute to their sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness. What our kids need more often is to hear and see from us that we believe they can manage their lives, and that we are available for support if they want it. Then we must step back and let them fall and pick themselves back up. It can be excruciating to watch, and of course we can intervene when they are in serious or life-threatening danger. Failure to reach potential, though, doesn’t meet that standard.

If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing.

It’s also not unusual for kids, even as they enter adulthood, to push back against the expectations they believe others (especially parents) have of them. If your daughter feels you are more invested in her graduate school applications than she is, she may lose some of her own motivation. Ultimately, she will have to decide what she wants and how much she wants to pursue it. If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing. Maybe grad school is the right choice for her now, maybe not. Either way, she must choose how to live her life and forge her own path.

If you are wondering how best to support your daughter, could you ask to meet with her and her therapist? Her therapist might be able to offer ideas about how to communicate effectively with your daughter and offer her loving support in a way that bolsters her sense of self-efficacy. If not, perhaps you could find a therapist to work with to share your fears and concerns and identify a way to manage the anxiety you feel on your daughter’s behalf.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

A few months ago, I identified and acknowledged one of my biggest stressors in raising young children: mealtime. The constant battles during meals, nagging the kids to stay at the table, concerns about whether they are getting enough nutrition, inability to eat in peace amid the many requests, and frustration regarding all the food and spilled drinks on the floor are painful enough.

Worse is managing these things while fielding the judgmental voice of my mom, in person or in my head, critiquing my parenting decisions and expressing disdain over the audacity I would “let the kids go to bed hungry.”

I know I have good instincts when it comes to raising kids. And my training in child development lends itself to having knowledge and tools that prove useful. Yet I found myself second-guessing my decisions and feeling stressed about feeding my children. I began to realize I was allowing unsolicited advice, critical comments, and a stream of perceived judgment to get under my skin and negatively impact my mood.

My mom and her mom—both wonderful mothers and grandmothers—come from a line of women who believe in spoon-feeding and stuffing babies until they are fatter than Thanksgiving turkeys. They’ve spent hours on end tricking toddlers into taking yet another bite. Although my kids were growing normally and were above average in the height and weight percentiles, I found myself falling victim to the suggestion that, somehow, I was not feeding them properly or enough.

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I began to realize how much I dreaded meals, especially dinner, not only because of the tedious routine involved in preparing meals and getting kids to eat them, but also because of the way I wound up feeling like a failure because of my kids’ (ages 4, 2, and 6 months) inability to sit politely at the table while graciously gobbling up every bite. Sick of feeling defeated every evening, I signed up for a lecture on mealtimes with toddlers that was being offered through our preschool.

I listened with relief (and a slight sense of smugness) as the presenter confirmed that much of the advice recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics was consistent with my line of thinking when it comes to feeding kids. She confirmed it is normal for children to have day-to-day and meal-to-meal appetite changes. Not only do their appetites vary in terms of how much they eat, their interest in certain foods can flip-flop at the drop of a hat. It’s not worth getting frustrated or arguing with your child over the fact he loved black beans last night yet refuses to touch them today. And if your kid eats 10 chicken nuggets for lunch today but nothing all day tomorrow, that’s okay. Experts recommend we look at children’s nutrition over the course of a full month rather than at every meal, daily, or even from week to week.

It was useful for me to be reminded that kids’ stomachs are quite small and don’t need as much food as we may think. Contrary to my well-intended mother’s conviction, a child will not die from skipping a meal; in fact, it’s normal for a child to sometimes be disinterested in food all day. She will eventually make up for it with a huge appetite another time. As long as children eat well at some meals, it’s okay if they barely touch their food during others. Keeping this in mind allows me to let go of much of the frustration that was ruining my meals.

More important than ensuring children eat every bite is avoiding power struggles related to food. When we force children to eat when they are not hungry or interested, or when we insist, “You must be hungry, you need to eat,” we inadvertently set them up to ignore their own body signals. Children need to learn to recognize, trust, and listen to their hunger cues—to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. When we force kids to eat, bribe them, or create the expectation they must finish everything on their plates for us to feel proud of them, we set them up for struggles later in life. Eating disorders, overeating, and using food as a coping mechanism may develop as ways to self-soothe and cope with stress.

Rather than nag children about eating, we need to teach them lessons about nutrition and food and then allow them to make choices. This sometimes means learning the consequences of poor decisions. For example, you might explain, “I’m worried that if you don’t eat your dinner, you may be hungry later,” allow them to decide whether they eat, and let them experience the consequence of feeling hungry later if they refuse dinner. This helps them to learn.

When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.

Being consistent with meals and snacks helps children to know what to expect and learn to regulate their appetite. Experts recommend that adults eat with children as often as possible and that everyone eat the same meal. No short-order cooking or making separate meals for kids. Caregivers should control the specifics of meals—the what, when, and where regarding food being served—but children should be allowed to control what they eat off their plates and how much. That’s right—children can refuse to eat specific foods and decline taking even one bite. Parents should choose healthy foods and ensure that at least one item per meal is something the child likes.

In our house, I recommend everyone try at least one bite of each food, even if they think they don’t or won’t like it. We talk about how taste buds change, and I allow the kids to spit the bite into a napkin if they don’t like it. Hard as it may be, I also try to remember that it’s normal for them to not sit still, to play with food, and to make a mess. Depending on age, it’s all part of learning about their world, developing hand-eye coordination, testing limits, and becoming independent.

When you eliminate ultimatums, micromanaging, pressure, and control issues over food, you can relinquish some of the frustration that comes with parenting a toddler. You can also instill in your children healthier messaging around eating.

To recap and give some additional advice I found helpful:

• Do not engage in power struggles or use food to control behavior. This sets kids up to ignore their hunger cues and to associate food with reward and punishment. Instill the message that your job as a parent is to provide healthy food. Reinforce “this is what we are having to eat tonight” but let children make choices regarding what and how much they eat.
• Avoid snacks and drinks too close to meals. Snacking or drinking too much, especially milk, can make children fill up quickly and thus be uninterested in meals. Space snacks out and limit milk intake so children have an appetite at mealtime.
• Look broadly at children’s nutrition rather than stressing about what they eat at each meal. Ensure that children are getting a well-balanced diet overall, but know it’s normal for their appetite to wax and wane, especially after age 1 when their rate of growth rapidly declines.
• Involve kids in meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and setting the table. When kids feel involved in the process of preparing and serving food, they not only learn invaluable lessons, they may feel more invested in eating.
• Make sure kids try new foods, including a lot of colors and textures. Kids are naturally curious. Unfortunately, kids’ menus tend to include the same, old offerings—chicken fingers, grilled cheese, and fries. The more you can introduce new and diverse foods, the more open your kids may be to new things.
• Do not use dessert as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. This sets kids up to have unhealthy associations with food and sweets that can lead to later difficulties with overeating, overindulging, or using food as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
• Dessert doesn’t always have to be cookies, cake, and ice cream. Some nights, the dessert could include yogurt, fruit, or banana muffins.
• Make meals fun! Read books (especially one on manners) during dinner with the kids, use table-talk cards with questions to initiate conversations, and come up with silly games to play as a family while you eat. Experts recommend avoiding distractions, including TVs and gadgets, during mealtime. But bending the rules so adults can enjoy meals at a restaurant every now and then is okay.

It was validating to step outside of the chaos of my kitchen and hear that my “laid-back” way of handling mealtimes was, in fact, in line with recommendations by the “experts.” Following the presentation I attended, my husband and I sat down with our kids and explained we were going to make some family rules around mealtime. Together, we created a list of rules to make meals more enjoyable for us all. In hopes it inspires your own transformation out of chaos into “hectic but good family fun,” I share with you my family’s list of mealtime rules:

• Kids help set the table when a grown-up asks for help.
• Kids come to the table quickly when a grown-up calls them to eat.
• Grown-ups are in charge of what food to serve at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Kids are in charge of what and how much they eat. Kids can choose their own food during snack times or if a grown-up asks what they want to eat.
• Everybody should try a bite of each food, even if they think they didn’t like it last time. If you don’t like something, you can spit it out (in a napkin) and don’t have to eat any more of it this time.
• Everybody listens to their body to know how hungry they are and when they are full.
• We can play talking games, tell jokes, and talk about our days during dinner. Television and iPads are okay only when grown-ups say so.
• Kids stay at the table and in their chairs, even if they are not hungry or are done eating, until the grown-ups say they can leave.
• Kids clear their plates and help wash dishes if a grown-up asks.

Raising toddlers can be a wonderful, though trying, experience. Don’t let mealtimes drag you down. By avoiding tension and frustration related to eating, you can make meals a more pleasant and valuable experience for everyone.

If you’re struggling as a parent, don’t hesitate to contact a licensed counselor who has experience with child and adolescent issues.

Reference:

Toddler – Food and feeding. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/HALF-Implementation-Guide/Age-Specific-Content/Pages/Toddler-Food-and-Feeding.aspx

Parents searching for a safe place for their transgender, gender nonconforming, or nonbinary child usually have a lot of questions. One of the first things parents who reach out to me ask is, “What is gender dysphoria?” This is usually followed by, “How is it affecting my child?”

Understanding gender dysphoria is an important part of the journey to support trans youth. But many parents may not be sure what this concept means. Put simply, gender dysphoria is an internal conflict between the sex a person was assigned at birth and the gender they identify with. It is often described as a feeling of discomfort with the body a person lives in and their deeper sense of gender. This conflict can be seen in many ways. Body dysphoria, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors are a few, but there are others. All of these symptoms can be seen as attempts to manage the deregulation that can occur when a person’s body does not represent their gender.

Gender dysphoria may be first felt in puberty, when physical changes of development begin. Children can experience discomfort before puberty, but these feelings usually become stronger as differences between the physical body and internal sense of gender increase. Imagine knowing you are male, having a masculine sense of self—in a body that begins to develop breasts. This disconnect can cause extreme anguish and anger in adolescents. Many also say they feel trapped. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

How Does Dysphoria Manifest?

This internal conflict is different for each person, but it is often seen as depression or anxiety. Looking in the mirror and seeing a body that does not express your internal sense of self can cause pain, unsettled feelings, and disconnect. Psychological pain may show up in a child’s behavior. Many adolescents refuse to attend school and withdraw from social interactions. Your child may drop activities that require physical contact, like sports, and avoid situations where they would need to expose their body, like pool parties.

At its most intense, body dysphoria in teens can lead to suicidal thoughts and attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors and disordered eating. These actions often result from the need to control a body that feels completely out of control and to ease the pain of an internal disconnect. These symptoms are signs that a higher level of care is needed. A therapist trained to offer support to transgender, gender nonconforming, and nonbinary adolescents may be the best person to provide this care.

Help for Gender Dysphoria

A therapist who is well-versed in working with trans youth is vital for creating a safe space for kids and families to address the challenges of gender dysphoria. The goal in therapy is not to change how a person feels or expresses their gender. Rather, it is for children and their parents to explore tools and methods of support for the feelings that surround the distress of not being able to physically express their true self.

It is important for families to develop a dynamic that is informed, supportive, and curious about their child’s journey as they explore their gender. This dynamic can create a space where different expressions of gender can be safely explored. This exploration may help relieve distress that occurs with dysphoria.

It is important for families to develop a dynamic that is informed, supportive, and curious about their child’s journey as they explore their gender.

Some of the first ways this exploration may take place is with social expression. Through social expression, a child or teen can develop their sense of self and affirm their gender identity. Your child may try out different styles of clothing and new hairstyles and ask you to refer to them by pronouns that fit their gender. They may choose a new name or try out several new names before they determine the one that fits best. These expressions can be seen as the first step in aligning themselves with their internal sense of being male, female, some of both, or neither. By supporting your child’s expressions and identity, you can help ease their distress and help them find a deeper and clearer sense of self.

The next step may be medical transition. Medical treatments that help align physical characteristics with gender include:

• Puberty blockers. These help prevent the developmental changes of puberty. They can help reduce distressing changes in trans children who have not yet decided on hormone therapy.
• Hormone therapy. Hormones cause physical changes that support internal gender identity.
• Gender confirmation surgery. Some trans people may pursue surgery to completely match their physical body to their gender, but others may choose certain types of surgery only.

It is important to understand that not all people who identify as transgender, gender nonconforming, or nonbinary are interested in pursuing complete medical transition. They may choose some aspects and reject others. For example, your teen may be interested in hormone therapy but not feel ready for gender confirmation surgery. This personal choice is a part of each person’s transition.

You can help your child by encouraging open discussion and taking their feelings and wishes into account. Ask what your child thinks about medical transition. Do your own research so you can have informed discussions with your child. Careful research can help you help your child make decisions based on accurate information and informed consent.

Exploring these topics can bring up strong emotional reactions. But it is important for both you and your child that you are able to support them during their transition and talk through their options from an informed, caring position instead of a fearful, reactive one. [amazon_affiliate]

Some families may need more help and support to explore these feelings and assist a child who is dealing with the painful reality of gender dysphoria. If you are struggling to find the best way to offer support to your child, you may find it helpful to talk through your feelings with your own therapist or counselor.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
2. Rood, B. A., Reisner, S. L., Surace, F. I., Puckett, J. A., Maroney, M. R., & Pantalone, D. W. (2016). Expecting rejection: Understanding the minority stress experiences of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals. Transgender Health, 1(1), 151–164. doi: 10.1089/trgh.2016.0012
3. Sherer, I., Baum, J., Ehrensaft, D., & Rosenthal, S. M. (2015, January 1). Affirming gender: Caring for gender-atypical children and adolescents. Contemporary Pediatrics. Retrieved from http://contemporarypediatrics.modernmedicine.com/contemporary-pediatrics/news/affirming-gender-caring-gender-atypical-children-and-adolescents?page=full
4. Steensma, T. D., McGuire, J. K., Kreukels, B. P., Beekman, A. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P.T. (2013). Factors associated with desistence and persistence of childhood gender dysphoria: A quantitative follow-up study. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(6), 582-90.

As much as we would love to envelop our kids in bubble wrap and follow them around everywhere, our job is ultimately to teach them to take care of and stand up for themselves. In recognition of National Child Abuse Prevention Month this April, and because childhood sexual abuse is an important issue to educate children about, I am sharing some tips for teaching kids about sexual abuse and body safety.

Nothing can guarantee our children’s safety, but talking to them about consent and their bodies and teaching them how to find a safe grown-up to tell if abuse does take place can both reduce the risk of abuse happening and prevent further abuse. Having open and ongoing conversations with your children about their bodies can help them feel empowered and confident and show them they have you on their team, no matter what. [fat_widget_right]

1. Make sure you are emotionally regulated first.

First and foremost, do what you can to get emotionally regulated and come from a place of love, not a place of fear. If you are panicking and overly fearful, your kids will pick up on it. As a trauma therapist, I have heard many stories from people who tried to tell their parents about abuse they experienced. Some report their parents responded appropriately, but far more report their parents either didn’t believe them or became so emotionally upset that their feelings became the center of the attention. Rather than the parent staying as regulated as possible so the child could trust them with their feelings, the parent’s trigger took up all the emotional space. This can make the child feel they not only have to navigate through the abuse on their own, but are now responsible for managing their parents’ feelings as well.

Set conversations up with the message, “Your body is awesome, strong, and beautiful, and it is my job as your caregiver to help you have a good relationship with your body and keep it healthy and safe.” Being able to have these conversations from a calm place will help build trust between you and your child. This is not to say the topic is not a difficult one, because it is. But talking about bodies should be as casual and calm as teaching kids to buckle their seat belt or cross the street.

As a trauma therapist, I have heard many stories from people who tried to tell their parents about abuse they experienced. Some report their parents responded appropriately, but far more report their parents either didn’t believe them or became so emotionally upset that their feelings became the center of the attention.

2. Use real names for body parts and start young!

Another difficult topic for many parents is using real names for body parts. Call a penis a “penis,” not a “wee wee.” Call a vagina a “vagina” and not a “hoo hoo.” Giving private parts nicknames implies there is something to be ashamed of. You can talk about how private parts—breasts, vaginas, bottoms, and penises—are very sensitive; you may notice children play with themselves rather casually. You can say to them, “Those parts of our bodies are special, and they can be very sensitive, but they are only for you to touch.”

It is also important to talk to them about not touching other people’s private parts. This means talking to young children as well. I began talking to my sons about their bodies from the time they were babies. Talking about their bodies casually has given my boys the ability to be comfortable talking to me about their privates. Although these conversations can be awkward and at times, humorous, the fact that my boys can talk to me about their bodies tells me I am a safe person for them to come to. There are countless stories of children not talking to parents or caregivers about abuse because they had no language about it; there was no guidance from healthy, well-boundaried caregivers. Their only guidance was from the perpetrator, who inevitably instilled shame and secrecy.

3. Teach what healthy touch is and is not.

Teaching children what not to do is vital, and talking to them about what healthy touch looks like is also very important. Our pediatrician always says, “The only time it is okay for another person to touch or look at our private parts is when they are keeping us safe, healthy, or clean.” Teaching children what healthy touch looks like gives them a framework for listening to their own intuition about what is not safe or healthy. If you have older teenagers that are starting to experiment with sex, this will be a different conversation. Having continuous conversations about sex and consent is extremely important. We not only have to teach kids about saying no to things, but also what it means for them (and for their partners) to say yes. Sex is pleasurable, and we must be able to be honest about that. Otherwise, they are once again navigating these waters without adult guidance.

4. Let children know they are in charge of their bodies.

Another notion we must come to grips with as parents is that our children are in charge of their own bodies. Think about it—can we control where and when they pee? What and when they eat? Where and when they sleep? No. We can and need to have structure, boundaries, schedules, and rules around these areas, but ultimately, children are in charge of their bodies and need us to teach them how to make good choices about taking care of themselves when we are not around to watch their every move.

If we try to control our children too much, they will learn either to rebel or to submit. This also means they should be in charge of when and to whom they give affection. Not forcing them to give grown-ups a hug or kiss is a way of teaching consent. You can provide alternatives. Give options like “How would you like to say goodbye? An air high five, a fist bump, or just a wave?” I often say, “We don’t have to do anything with our bodies that doesn’t feel right, but we do have to treat people with respect. So, I’d like for you to choose how you want to say goodbye.”

Teaching children what healthy touch looks like gives them a framework for listening to their own intuition about what is not safe or healthy.

5. Create a culture of believing children and avoid shame-based language.

Encourage children to talk to you if someone ever tries to touch them or coerces them into unhealthy touch. Reassure them you will believe them and help them get through it. Teach them to use their strong voice, and role play saying things like, “It’s not okay for you to touch me like that!” Creating a culture in the family of recognizing shame is also very helpful in creating open lines of communication.

Instead of calling children “bad” when they misbehave in some way, say instead they have made a “bad choice.” Discerning between these two may enable them to continue having open communication with you as they get older. Behavior and character are very important because perpetrators count on children believing the abuse is something they want, asked for, or deserved. Empowering children to believe they are strong, loveable humans, regardless of any mistakes they make, will help.

Thinking about someone hurting our children can feel overwhelming and unbearable. However, all we can do is empower them with language and unconditional love. Having ongoing, calm conversations about consent, their bodies, and healthy touch can reduce their risk of being victimized and empower them to have a healthy relationship with their bodies throughout their lives.

Approximately 10-13% of school-aged children in the United States experience rejection by their peers. Children who feel rejected may have a higher risk of decreased academic performance, experiencing bullying, or becoming bullies themselves. They can also have higher chances of developing mental health issues including depression and anxiety, behavior problems, and isolation (Nixon, 2010).

The ‘I Am’ Message

Children perceive the world differently than adults. As children interact in social settings, they receive messages about themselves and who they are. For example, if a child gets a B on a test and their parents praise their hard work and good grade, the child might receive the message, “I am smart,” “I am capable,” or “I am loved.” If the parents respond by asking why they didn’t get an A and expressing disappointment, the child might receive the message, “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” or “I am a bad person.”

The “I am” message a child receives might seem extreme for the situation, but in reality, children learn about who they are through interactions with parents, primarily, and peers, secondarily. [fat_widget_right]

When ‘I Am’ Messages Grow Up

Many “I am” messages are carried into teenage years and adulthood, where they affect how a person relates to others at work and in relationships. “I am” messages can also influence behavior and are often reinforced by continued experiences and interactions with others. For example, a teen who received the message “I am unworthy” as a child might stay in an abusive relationship longer than someone who received the message “I am worthy,” because deep within them exists the belief that they are unworthy and do not deserve more respect or better treatment. Being mistreated by their partner reinforces the negative “I am” message that they are not worthy. This can easily become a cycle and develop into a pattern for adult relationships as well.

There is good news for primary caregivers: The parent-child relationship is often the most influential in a child’s life. This means you, as a parent, have the power to help your child. When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

When your child is rejected by peers, remember that your relationship and interactions with them likely have a greater impact than their relationships with peers, because you are their primary caregiver.

Tips for Helping Kids Process Rejection

How do you help your child deal with peer rejection? Below are a few things you, as a parent or guardian, can do to help your child when they are rejected by their peers.

• Create a safe space: If your child talks to you about being rejected by their peers, listen to their story without judging or shaming them for not standing up for themselves. If your child does not talk to you about being rejected, but you have noticed they are having a difficult time interacting positively with peers, talk to them about it when they are in a neutral mood. Let them know what you notice, focusing on your observations rather than your feelings, and provide space for them to share their perspective.
• Identify the “I am” message: Make note of the “I am” message your child has received and help them differentiate who they are (“I am”) from how they feel (“I feel”).  Help them gauge their feelings by reflecting on the story they tell and their facial expressions and body language. When you help your child notice how they feel, they will be able to separate their negative feelings from who they are.
• Empower them: Don’t rush to solve problems for your child (even though it might be tempting to do so). Empower them by allowing them to sort through different ideas about how to respond to peer rejection. Value their ideas and ask if they need you to support them in any way. Before you make the teacher aware of the situation, talk to your child about it and hear their perspective on that decision; they may have valid reasons for not involving the teacher.
• Help them connect: Remind them it is impossible to get along with everyone, but people with whom we have a lot in common can be good friends. Help your child identify their likes and dislikes and identify peers who have the same interests. Talk to your child about how to use common interests to approach peers.
• Contact a therapist: If you have tried to help your child but would like more guidance on how to best support them, contact a therapist in your area. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions and clear-cut solutions, so don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. A therapist can be a good option for your child, since they are a neutral person your child can talk to without worrying about how it could impact them in school or at home. One good option is a play therapist, because they can teach your child social skills and coping strategies through play. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might also be a good option if your child continues to hold on to negative “I am” messages.

Remember: you have the power to help your child, and your relationship with them is the most influential. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Everyone can use a little help sometimes.

Reference:

1. McKown, C., Gumbiner, L. M., Russo, N. M., & Lipton, M. (2009). Social-emotional learning skill, self-regulation, and social competence in typically developing and clinic-referred children. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 38(6), 858-871. doi: 10.1080/15374410903258934
2. Nixon, R. (2010, February 2). Studies reveal why kids get bullied and rejected. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/6032-studies-reveal-kids-bullied-rejected.html

Covert narcissism, which tends to be expressed in passive or indirect ways, differs from what most people might imagine when they hear “narcissism.” Those with traits of covert narcissism may seem shy or overly sensitive, but this apparent self-effacement typically masks grandiose thoughts and an internal sense of superiority, or belief that one is better than others. This form of narcissism may be more subtle and less easy to recognize.

Along these lines, a mother who has traits of covert narcissism may appear, on the surface, to be self-effacing and self-sacrificing. Everything she does is for the benefit of her children. The community sees a parent who is room mom, PTA president, or sanctified Sunday school teacher. Her social media presence may rival that of a minor celebrity! At every game, activity, and lesson, Mom is involved in her daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that Daughter is never allowed to make any decisions on her own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter is seen by most as something that is “all good,” but a more careful look reveals this is not the case.

The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy for both of them. In this case, it is the needs of the mother, not the daughter, that are the central driving force in the relationship. [fat_widget_right]

Covert Maternal Narcissism Through the Life Cycle

When a mother-daughter dynamic is affected by the mother’s covert narcissism, the impact of this can be seen throughout the daughter’s life. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter’s growing independence as a threat. Her defenses make it hard to take the losses and incorporate them at each developmental stage. Psychologically, she cannot withstand the losses involved in allowing her daughter to become more independent.

To counter this independence, Mom establishes herself and her own needs as primary, thus making it more and more difficult for her daughter to find her voice and claim her life for herself. In other words, the mother can be said to appropriate her daughter’s right to live her own life at each developmental stage. She isn’t doing this with “evil” intent. She is simply unable to let go of her daughter.

Here is how this dynamic can play out at each developmental stage, with the mother’s needs centered to forestall the daughter’s individuation:

• Infancy. Mom guards her role of primary caregiver jealously and has a hard time letting anyone else, including Dad, become special to Daughter.
• Toddler and preschool years. Daughter begins to exert independence, and Mom is displeased. She tends to resort quickly to punishment and is likely to shame any behavior she considers rebellious. When Daughter enters day care or preschool, Mom sends mixed messages, signaling to Daughter that she isn’t safe with anyone but Mom. Daughters usually have major separation anxiety at this juncture.
• Adolescent and preteen years. Mom inserts herself in all of Daughter’s friendships. She evaluates harshly any friend or friendship interaction, frequently forbidding her daughter to remain friends with anyone she doesn’t approve of. Different tastes in hair, makeup, clothing, and even music are all experienced as an affront to Mom. Major battles often are the result. There is no agreement to disagree, only discord and major standoffs.
• Teenage years. When Daughter begins to date, Mom sees boys as a major threat. What is normally a difficult time between mothers and daughters may escalate into a full-blown Armageddon.
• Marriage. When Daughter marries, Mom’s needs, taste, and preferences often dictate wedding plans. Decisions are likely to be mother/daughter decisions instead of decisions made by the couple, and Mom’s opinions usually prevail.
• Daughter’s first child. Mom’s first grandchild is a major event in her life, and she works hard to establish her importance as doting, adoring grandmother. She gives unsolicited advice and frequently demands she be included in important family decisions, acting as a partner to her daughter. As a result, the child’s other parent is frequently marginalized. Daughter may frequently hear from others, “What a saint your mother is. You are so lucky to have her help!”

In a functional mother/daughter relationship, it is normal for each of these stages of development to involve losses for both mother and daughter. However, mothers with narcissistic defenses often cannot take the normal developmental loss that would allow their daughter to individuate and separate in a healthy way. The daughters of these mothers often feel trapped in the role of “Good Daughter,” acting to fulfill an obligation they may not be fully aware of: filling the sense of emptiness Mom experiences. Daughters may not have the language to fully describe covert narcissism, or the behavior of their mothers, or how the dynamic affects them, but they may know “If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”—if Mom doesn’t feel happy and fulfilled, no one else can, either.

The Effects of Covert Narcissism

The impact of covert narcissism in the mother/daughter dynamic can be far-reaching, even when it goes unrecognized. Some of the people I’ve worked with in therapy are completely unaware of the pressure playing the role of Good Daughter exerts on them, though they feel the effects.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. 

Daughters trapped in the role of Good Daughter feel an intense pressure to make their narcissistically defended mothers look and feel good. In childhood and young adulthood, daughters may strive to fulfill this need through achievement, performance, and—above all—good behavior. The first priority is making Mom look like a great mom, not the growing independence and needs of Daughter.

As an adult, Daughter takes on the role of making Mom feel needed, relevant, and special. She labors under the pressure to fill Mom’s need to remain primary in her life, as Mom’s narcissistic defenses mandate this to be so.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. As a result, they may experience guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they struggle with internal conflict. Often, they may be unaware of the intrapsychic conflict behind their struggle. As they attempt to move toward independence, they may feel guilty or ashamed without fully understanding why. These daughters may also unconsciously sabotage their successes in order to keep their mother relevant.

In short, Mom’s emotions can crush the Good Daughter’s essential self and rule her life. The demands and pressures of the Good Daughter role underlie much of the anxiety and depression seen in women today.

How Can Mother and Daughter Heal From This Dynamic?

A daughter’s yearning—her need—to individuate and grow apart from her mother is in conflict with the competing desire to gain both her mother’s approval and the permission to separate psychologically. In a dynamic where the mother is narcissistically defended, this permission is unlikely to be granted. When a mother’s need to be relevant prevents her from letting her daughter go, her daughter is harmed, and she is also at risk for repeating the cycle with her own daughter.

Through psychotherapy, daughters can gain awareness of their internal conflict. The support of a trained and compassionate counselor can help them get in touch with their healthy striving for psychological independence and explore how to make this separation. By breaking free of the cycle of covert narcissism, the Good Daughter can empower her own daughter while healing herself.

Mothers with traits of covert narcissism can also benefit from psychotherapy, when they are willing to do the hard work it requires. Our culture does little to support mothers as they lose relevance in their daughter’s lives, but through therapy, mothers who struggle to let go can confront this difficulty and learn strategies to absorb, incorporate, and even grow from the losses they experience as their daughters grow and reach adulthood.

Note: This article refers specifically to the dynamic between a mother with traits of covert narcissism and her daughter. Parent-child relationships of any gender combination can be similarly touched by covert narcissism. 

References: 

1. Payson, E. D. (2009). The wizard of Oz & other narcissists. Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day Publications.
2. Miller, A. (1997). The drama of the gifted child, revised ed. New York, NY: Basic Books.
3. Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Roy Publishers, Inc.

“Things are really coming together for us,” the man in my office said confidently. “If we can just figure out the kid thing.”

His fiancee nodded.

“The kid thing,” I repeated, turning to her. “I thought you talked about that months ago. You wanted to start a family after finishing business school, right?”

But as it turned out, sometime over the past eight months she had become unsure about having a family. He had chalked it up to her enthusiasm about graduate school and figured she’d change her mind once she finished. But she hadn’t.

By this point, I had been working with this couple for many months. Recently engaged, they were making plans for the holidays with both of their families. They had achieved a lot through therapy, improving their communication as well as their understanding of each other‘s concerns and goals. There were still uncomfortable moments, including when she decided to push the envelope and purchase her own engagement ring. But overall, their relationship was working, and all was good.

A disagreement over whether to have children, however, especially at this stage in a couple’s relationship, is a landmine no therapist can avoid, and I’m grateful to colleagues like Ann Davidman who have developed workshops dedicated to this topic. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

It’s already so difficult for some people to decide they can be compatible with someone for the entirety of their lives. They agree to share a household and relatives, perhaps finances. But if a couple cannot come to an agreement on whether or not to have children, this can mean the end of the relationship.

It’s actually quite miraculous that so many couples share the same outlook toward children, now that we have so much freedom to choose. The path toward becoming a parent used to be more straightforward when fewer couples married for love and birth control wasn’t an option. But that was decades ago. Now we have many choices to consider, such as how many kids? When to have them? Who will work? How will they be cared for? These choices are often complex and require careful thought.

Talking About Kids When the Relationship Gets Serious

So what if you and your partner are getting serious about your relationship, thinking you’re headed in the same direction, whether that is “Yes,” “No,” or “Most likely not,” to kids, but you actually have different ideas? Maybe you already had that talk and were on the same page, but since then one of you has moved in another direction while the other’s commitment to their own decision has never been stronger.

The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I encourage you to consider the following recommendations. Some of these I have used with couples I have worked with in therapy, while others, I have seen play out successfully in other relationships.

• If you’re confident you want to marry each other, address the topic immediately. Set aside time to do so. Don’t expect it to resolve on its own or assume your partner will simply come to your side of the topic without discussion.
• Set a timeline for yourselves. If you know you want to be a parent, you will most likely want to continue moving forward down that path. Use any method that works to talk through the situation with your partner, but do insist on a method in order to determine if you will stay together. (Ideally this is something you will have worked out prior to becoming married, but even if you are married already, the timeline is still important.)
• Seek support from a third party (someone outside the relationship). This person might be a couples therapist (and couples therapy may be advisable in many cases), but the person could also be a trusted friend, mentor, or spiritual advisor. Instead of rushing to quickly come to a conclusion, try to keep an open mind about your partner’s feelings. Don’t hesitate to discuss parenting with other people you know, and take notes on what sticks with you.

During the decision-making process, consider the following:

• Who do you expect spend time with over the decades of your life? If you and your partner aren’t yet sure whether you will have children or not, envisioning a life with kids versus a life without kids may be helpful. In other words, even if you are currently happy being child-free, remember this is simply your current state and consider the fact that you will be child-free while many of the people in your life will have children. You will be in your 40s, your 50s, your 60s, always without children. Will you be able to go to birthday parties, graduations, and other life events of those you are close to and their children with a partner whose preference to be child-free steered you in that direction when you would have chosen differently?
• Can you settle for your second choice without wistfully seeing your first choice? If you are influenced by your partner’s lack of desire to become a parent, can you accept that decision without looking back? Or might you agree to their preference and then secretly (or not-so-secretly) resent them? If you choose to remain with a partner who doesn’t want children and have no children, or have fewer children than you’d like, you may glimpse an alternate version of your life again and again. You may not be able to fully appreciate this trade-off when you are coming to a decision, but it may be helpful to know, or at least explore, this aspect of yourself as much as possible.
• Bargaining with your partner is generally not a good idea. I have worked with couples who came to therapy on the verge of divorce because they had one more kid then one of them wanted—because the other parent promised to do most of the caretaking. This type of bargaining often causes a lot of resentment. Children are not pets. They are the whole and full responsibility of both parents, regardless of whose heart was in it more. While it may be tempting to bargain your way around your partner’s misgivings, tread lightly in this area. This goes for both partners! If you agree to become a parent, you’re all in. Agreeing to have children doesn’t entitle you to more weekends with your friends, getaway retreats, a new car, or skipping out on taking them to birthday parties. The reluctant partner must be confident they won’t hold their initial preference over their partner (or worse, their kids) and that they can instead find ways to pursue their lives meaningfully according to new and different priorities.
• If you cannot come to an agreement, the best option may be to end the relationship. When you’ve been in a relationship with someone you care about for a certain number of months, even years, you may be reluctant to leave the relationship and start over. You may think the other person will change their mind when they realize how much having kids means to you, or that things will otherwise work out eventually in your favor. But continuing to stay with a partner just because you’ve been with them for a long time, hoping they’ll eventually change their mind, is a sure way to unhappiness.

If you set a timeline and come up with a method (or multiple methods) of discussion, such as couples counseling, weekly relationship meetings, and so on, but reach your timeline without reaching an agreement, I recommend moving on. The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I know plenty of child-free individuals who have made peace with their decision not to have children and enjoy their lives very much. Some chose individually to not have children, while others experienced fertility issues, or simply weren’t with the right person at the right time.

I’ve also known several couples who chose to go forward with parenting and have a child even though one of them was quite on the fence about it, and found that the reticent partner was won over by parenthood and wanted more children than the original enthusiastic partner (this includes the couple mentioned above).

Fear is a normal feeling to have about parenthood, but fear is able to be overcome—if there is a willingness to become a parent and an interest in parenthood, rather than a let’s-wait-and-see-how-much-I’ll-like-it approach.

It is also worth keeping in mind that having children is unlikely to turn out exactly how you think it will. As the partner wanting children, you must acknowledge that you might have a daughter when you want a son, or that you might want your child to have siblings when your partner only wants one child. You may have a special needs child or suffer a painful loss.

The choice to have a family involves a large amount of uncertainty, and the ability for your relationship to weather this uncertainty is what I want the people I work with to feel most confident about. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions of your friends and family about their experiences. Consider what they say carefully, but in the end, trust your instincts. Only you can make this decision for yourself.

Reference:

Carlini, D. L. & Davidman, A. (2016, November 15). Motherhood: Is it for me? Your step-by-step guide to clarity. York, PA: Transformation Books.

You have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.

As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.

You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.

How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?

First, Know the Signs

I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.

• Isolation. A teen who is experiencing dating violence may suddenly begin to isolate from friends and family and only spend time with the person they are dating. They may cancel plans they have made because the abusive partner does not want them to attend the events. [fat_widget_right]
• Excessive texts or phone calls. Abusive partners tend to want to know where their partner is at all times. They may call and text excessively and/or demand to be informed of their partner’s whereabouts at all times. Your teen might seem stressed about having to respond to them and/or afraid of missing a call.
• Unexplained bruises/marks. Someone experiencing dating violence may have unexplained bruises and become nervous when asked about bruises or marks on their bodies. They may give different stories for the same mark or may become upset or defensive when asked about it.
• Excusing inappropriate behavior. Teens who feel ready for love and want their romantic relationships to work out may make excuses for the inappropriate or abusive behavior of their partner. For example, a teen might say their partner only called 20 times because they were worried, or that their partner only puts them down so they can learn from their mistakes and become better people.
• Having to ask for permission. A partner who is abusive typically wants to exert control. They may require the person they are dating to ask for permission before wearing certain clothes, talking to certain people, going out, and so on. The person experiencing the abuse may be frequently checking in with their partner, asking if they can engage in certain activities, such as going to the movies, going out to dinner with a group of friends, wearing shorts, and so on.

Discussing Your Concerns with Your Teen 

Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.

It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.

• DO ask questions about their relationship with genuine concern. Allow for discussion and conversation to flow.
• DON’T interrupt when they are speaking or do the majority of the talking.
• DO listen to how they answer your questions. Ask for their thoughts on the behaviors you have pointed out to them.
• DON’T shame them for not recognizing abusive behavior.
• DO gently educate them on what a respectful romantic relationship does and does not look like.
• DO give them time to think about the conversation, letting them know you are always available to talk or offer support. Let them know you will help them find a therapist or counselor if they want to talk to a trained mental health professional.
• DO ask (no matter how difficult it may be) if they have been coerced to engage in sexual activities they did not intend to engage in or if they have been physically or sexually harmed by their partner or at the request of their partner.
• DO remind them that their safety is the most important thing to you.

Create a Safety Plan

Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.

1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.

California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.

Text TEEN to 839-863

2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.

Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.

3. Identify when to call 911.

Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.

4. Connect them with a neutral source of support. 

If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.

Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!

References:

1. 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
2. How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
3. Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid