Why Self-Regulation Is the Most Important Thing in the World

Leafy pattern from trees casts shadow over face of person looking out windowAs a therapist who specializes in treating complex posttraumatic stress, I am often asked whether my practice is “depressing,” or whether it brings me down. It’s an obvious question: Along with the victories and the moments of fulfilling interpersonal connection, I am in vicarious contact with intensely difficult situations and stories. Also, practicing somatic psychotherapy develops one’s sense of empathy: the ability to sense what another person is feeling and to also feel it. So I often literally feel, in my own body, the sensations and emotions of the distress experienced by the people I work with in therapy. This is a good thing, as it is a fairly reliable indicator of what a person in therapy may be experiencing. Fortunately, my training affords me the capacity to feel others’ distress without getting stuck in it.

But no, my practice does not bring me down. I am deeply grateful for my training and my entry into this field. I can’t imagine doing anything else, because I believe increasing humans’ capacity for self-regulation is the most important thing in the world.

That’s a big statement. I don’t make it lightly.

You might be wondering: why self-regulation, of all things? After all, most people don’t even think about self-regulation or how it relates to our individual or collective lives. The topic doesn’t even cross most people’s minds.

As I noted in a previous article, “The term self-regulation means ‘control [of oneself] by oneself.’ It refers to a system taking the needed steps to keep itself in balance.” Specifically, somatic therapy helps people learn to self-regulate the balance of the fight/flight response in their nervous system. This balance can (and should) change moment by moment, depending on the current situation and environmental demands upon the person. In other words, it’s a dynamic balance—and it has to be accurate or there will be problems!

According to Stephen Porges, we have four basic states (like “gears”) in our autonomic nervous systems. Our thoughts and behaviors at any moment are hugely influenced by the relative proportions of each. These are physiological states in the autonomic nervous system. They are:

  1. Social engagement. This state is controlled by the ventral vagal (10th cranial) nerve. In social engagement, a person remains calm. They are truly available to be present with others. They can experience empathy. They are able to hold good boundaries, cooperate with others, and maintain a sense of humor. The key concepts here are calm, flexibility, and empathy. This state is vitally important; it forms the foundation of good self-regulation and, generally speaking, should be the most predominant “gear” in daily life. However, it’s often overlooked, as the public doesn’t tend to have much education about it.
  2. Fight. Usually experienced as anger, irritability, or rage, this state is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). It comes online when the person’s midbrain structures perceive a threat. The more predominantly the person is in a fight response, the more the prefrontal cortex goes offline and the less the person is able to experience calm or empathy.
  3. Flight is usually experienced as fear, anxiety, or restlessness. Also controlled by the SNS, the flight state includes the same loss of cortical function as with fight.
  4. And then there is freeze, which is usually experienced as passivity, low energy, amotivation, dullness, foggy-headedness, and reduced capacity for cognition and emotion (other than fear). This state is also mediated by the vagus nerve—but an older, more primitive portion of it, the dorsal vagal system. Basically, freeze is a death preparation state, and it shows up when the body “thinks” social engagement, fight, and flight would be ineffective.

As Peter Levine writes, previous traumatically stressful events that have not been fully resolved in the nervous system will disrupt a person’s self-regulation, biasing their response to present-day events. Specifically, unresolved trauma causes the person to respond with excessive fight, flight, and/or freeze response relative to the current situation.

Self-regulation supports cooperation and healthy group norms. I wish we could wipe out 25% of our fast-food restaurants and liquor stores, replacing each of them with a free somatic therapy clinic.

Here is a thought exercise to illustrate the vital importance of self-regulation and how it impacts just about every situation across our human lives—on small and large scales. Imagine each of the following common scenarios. Then, imagine how each scenario could be different if at least one person involved was able to maintain calm social engagement.

  • Bobby is growing up in an impoverished neighborhood. One of his parents is absent and the other is stressed, working two low-wage jobs in order to pay the rent. In his family and in his immediate community, there is no one consistently available who creates a sense of calm and safety. Bobby’s nervous system never learns how to drop out of threat response and into relaxed social engagement. As he grows up, this lack of internal safety and stability has an impact on every interaction and decision he makes.
  • On the freeway, one driver doesn’t see another in time and nearly causes a collision—not at all on purpose. The other driver is angry and begins to escalate. The at-fault driver becomes upset by this.
  • Two next-door neighbors don’t get along well. One decides to start barbecuing his dinner. The other is allergic to smoke; she yells at him to stop, or else she’s going to get her cousin to beat him up. The first neighbor pulls out a knife and waves it at her.
  • A country is faced with a major decision: whether to stop manufacturing a product that has a large negative impact on the environment (including animals and people). Some lobbyists profit majorly from the manufacture and sale of this product. They are competing for economic rankings for their shareholders, so they are focused on increasing financial profit and do not show empathy to those severely affected.
  • Two cultures (or one culture and one subculture) have hated each other for generations. The insults and the fighting have gone on for so long that no one remembers the original transgressions. The topic is charged with emotion and exaggeration. Children in each culture are raised to hate (or at least dislike and avoid) the other culture. Eight-year-old Amanda secretly feels curious about the other people and would like to get to know some of them. She doesn’t talk with anyone else about this, because doing so could get her labeled a traitor and ejected from the very family and community she needs in order to survive and grow up. This collectively stuck survival charge isn’t usually in the foreground, but it permeates the background of her daily life.

Each of the above scenarios illustrates the ripple effect of dysregulation and how it lies at the core of most human problems. There are many, many other examples. Imagined the other way—that is, with the influence of a self-regulated person or people—these scenarios can also illustrate the powerful positive impact of self-regulation: it has a strong tendency to stop conflict and exploitation (due to the presence of empathy). Self-regulation supports cooperation and healthy group norms. I wish we could wipe out 25% of our fast-food restaurants and liquor stores, replacing each of them with a free somatic therapy clinic.

And the thing is, we could—if only there were enough aware, self-regulated people to make it happen.

Until then, I’ll hold off on my occasional daydreams of being a barista, or a nature guide in a sustainability program. Instead, my colleagues and I continue to support self-regulation, one nervous system at a time.


  1. Porges, S. W. (2001). The polyvagal theory: Phylogenetic substrates of a social nervous system. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 42:123–146.
  2. Porges, S. W. (2003). Social engagement and attachment: A phylogenetic perspective. Roots of Mental Illness in Children, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 1008:31–47.

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  • Leave a Comment
  • Susan P.

    August 7th, 2017 at 8:29 PM

    The examples you give here have caused me to think about each one, and how the presence of empathy and connection with oneself would alter this.

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    August 9th, 2017 at 4:27 PM

    Awesome! Glad to hear it. Thank you!

  • Jessica

    March 15th, 2018 at 12:19 PM

    Hi Andrea,
    I’m a recent fan 😉 of your work after reading this article (Thank you!) I’m in desperate need of a seasoned therapist on this topic. I’m currently looking for an EAP therapist in my network, in Denver, CO, who utilizes a strength-based perspective, client-centered, evidenced-based practice- who specializes in trauma- informed care/approach (EDMR) and somatic work. Do you have any suggestions on where I can look?? You mention traumahealing.org… do you have any colleagues you would recommend in the Denver area?? Any other thoughts or suggestions are welcomed!! Thank you!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 15th, 2018 at 12:34 PM

    Dear Jessica,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Dennis M.

    August 8th, 2017 at 5:47 AM

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful article, Andrea! I will certainly re-shared! Please keep on writing and sharing!

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    August 9th, 2017 at 4:28 PM

    Thank you, Dennis! And thank you for supporting this beautiful work (of self-regulation) getting out into the world. That’s why I write these articles. I believe that self-regulation is everyone’s birthright–and that we are able to continue growing our own self-regulation no matter what our early life circumstances.

  • Jenna

    August 8th, 2017 at 10:37 AM

    The ones that this will trouble are going to be those who like to blame everyone else and never see that any of the responsibility lies with them.

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    August 9th, 2017 at 4:29 PM

    Yes, exactly. Because ultimately this work completely depends on the desire of the client to self-examine, work hard–and self-regulate. The clinician can’t do it for them, and neither can anyone else.

  • Sara m.

    August 14th, 2017 at 3:26 AM

    I would go with your dream. May it come to pass.

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    October 8th, 2017 at 12:39 PM

    Thank you!

  • Jennie

    August 20th, 2017 at 10:08 PM

    Thank you for your inspiration.

  • Emily Read Daniels, M.Ed., MBA, NCC, SEP in training

    August 24th, 2017 at 5:11 PM

    In the context of providing trauma informed/ACES awareness training, I am constantly bringing participants back to a state of regulation and comparing how conditions around them (including content I am presenting on), impacts their cycles of arousal and settling. Your article is an excellent description of regulation for those that haven’t studied somatic experiencing. I will be using it for teaching purposes! Thank you!!!!

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    October 8th, 2017 at 12:41 PM

    Wow, thanks! That’s great!
    Enjoy your SE training! It’s just the beginning of the journey…here I am still learning some 7 years later!

  • Kate P, LCSW, BHP

    August 25th, 2017 at 7:51 AM

    Enjoyed your article, the importance of subject in our work. Thanks.

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    October 8th, 2017 at 12:41 PM

    Thank you!

  • Liz H.

    October 7th, 2017 at 5:02 AM

    I just read your article. I thank the heavens for the internet for making our connection possible. Please keep them coming. I live in Pennsylvania, USA and finally found someone who knows what they are talking about.

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    October 8th, 2017 at 12:36 PM

    Wow, thank you. That’s high praise.
    In all honesty I owe it to my training in somatic therapy. When you understand the autonomic nervous system, what it’s doing and why, it really changes your perspective.
    (And yes, I generally have a monthly article in this space).

  • Julia

    March 11th, 2018 at 1:20 PM

    This is so fascinating and I can certainly relate to the analogy of ‘Bobby’ from my own childhood and how it affects me subconsciously as an adult. My ‘fight or flight’ triggers are things like finances, housing (more the [unfounded] fear of not having any), feeling overwhelmed in the workplace, in a job that requires me to be balancing many plates at once, and always feeling like my nervous system never rests.
    Thankfully, I have been aware of this for some time and continue to embrace those parts that make up me and work on them.

  • Ron

    March 11th, 2018 at 3:50 PM

    How does this apply to a male youth on the autism spectrum whose angry tantrums are increasing in severity?

  • Ron

    March 11th, 2018 at 3:52 PM

    How would you advise parents when the tantrums increase in intensity in a male youth on the autism spectrum?

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    March 12th, 2018 at 3:29 PM

    Hi Ron,
    I’m not able to offer any advice or consultation on this forum. There are somatic practitioners who specialize in working with individuals on the autism spectrum. SETI’s website at traumahealing dot org, has a practitioner registry. I would find a knowledgeable practitioner to consult with. Best wishes!

  • Leslie

    April 23rd, 2018 at 11:12 AM

    Everything you shared here resonates with me. I have been working on this for some time, although I didn’t know there was a name for it. You have inspired me to look into somatic therapy to further my progress on self regulation, and I thank you for sharing this. It is your passion for helping others that is leaving this world a far better place than you found it. Wishing you all the best!

  • Andrea Bell, LCSW

    April 23rd, 2018 at 12:23 PM

    Thanks, Leslie! That’s exactly why I do what I do. Of course, one size does’t fit all: everyone is different, and has different experiences, reactions, and journeys. Nonetheless, it’s been my personal and professional experience that somatic therapy is overall the best and most effective way to increase self-regulation. Many people especially benefit if the somatic therapist has training in attachment issues as well. Wishing you the best of luck on your ongoing journey!

  • Danielle

    January 15th, 2019 at 8:44 PM

    Thank you for this piece. Do you have any good resources for teaching (or retraining) the brain to drop out of flight mode? I think both myself and my 4 year old son would benefit from some practical techniques for self-regulation, and in turn, educate other for their benefit!

  • Patti

    August 18th, 2019 at 5:32 PM

    What book would you recommend to help someone who wants tools to help them get back to a self-regulated state more easily?

  • Lindsay

    August 18th, 2019 at 6:30 PM

    I love this article. I have never heard it put in this frame of reference, but so helpful and eye opening! Thank you :)

  • Patrick W

    June 22nd, 2020 at 2:22 PM

    Hi Andrea, I appreciate you sharing this article. I realize the importance of Empathy, and wonder if you know of a technique or method of teaching Empathy to others. It would be wonderful to connect with you, as I have many questions around this topic and could use your guidance. With Metta (loving-kindness).

  • Sifiso

    December 14th, 2021 at 10:30 PM

    Great article.. Thank you

  • Ephraim

    February 11th, 2022 at 11:54 AM

    Thank you. This makes so much sense.

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