Person with long hair in braid sits looking out window holding hot drink wrapped in sweaterThis year, I chose to stay home over the holidays. I didn’t choose to stay home because I don’t love my family or because I didn’t want to see them. I chose to stay home for the sake of honoring my emotions.

As someone who struggles with mental health issues, being around multiple people at once can have a tremendous effect on me—and not a positive one. My family is aware of my conditions, but they don’t always know how to respond to my emotions, let alone understand why I feel the way I do. So before large gatherings, I tend to become anxious, panicky, and overwhelmed.

This year, I’d already been feeling an increase in my anxiety before the party even began, and that was the only indicator I needed to make my decision. Some guilt arose while I was in the process of deciding to stay home, but I knew I would only benefit in the long run.

Here are the three key things I told myself to help curb the guilt I experienced as a result of choosing to stay home rather than participate in holiday celebrations with my family.

1. I don’t owe anybody anything.

I have always been a people-pleaser. Now, I know there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something that will make another person happy or looking forward to seeing someone’s face light up with joy when you do something kind. But I’ve learned it’s important to draw a line when we begin to sacrifice our own peace and comfort for the sake of someone else’s happiness. [fat_widget_right]

If you know going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

When I was in the throes of my people-pleasing days, I was always under the impression that if I said, “No,” or did something when I didn’t really want to do it, it would be rude, unkind, and selfish. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not! It is everything but that. By making the best choice for you, not someone else, you are cultivating self-compassion and being loving and kind to yourself. Your body and your mental health will thank you every time you make a decision that is based on how you truly feel.

2. I can’t take the reactions of others personally. 

I will be honest and say I am still working hard on this particular part. But I am pretty proud of myself that I stuck with my choice to stay home this year without letting fear of my family’s reaction influence me.

If you know that going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

The reality of life is, no matter what we do or what we say, we cannot make anyone feel or react a certain way. How other people choose to react to our personal decisions is solely on them—not on us. We can only control how we feel and what we say and do. The rest is completely out of our control. And part of truly honoring ourselves is to not take the things we can’t control personally.

Thankfully, my family wasn’t upset with my decision to stay home, but I still had to prepare myself—just in case they were. I told myself over and over again that if they were mad or upset with me, I could not control that. All I could do was what I needed for myself, what was right for me. By choosing to honor my boundaries and stick with them, no matter how others reacted, I was able to support my own well-being.

3. I need to trust my gut. 

As I mentioned, I was already experiencing anticipatory anxiety about having to go to my family’s house. From the moment I woke up, I had the gut feeling that I really didn’t want to go. My body and mind were both telling me it would be a healthy choice to lie low at home and take it easy. I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to put myself in a situation that would only provoke my anxiety.

All three points have one major theme in common: Honor your thoughts and emotions. Listen to them. Accept them.

I had to learn it was all right to put myself first. In fact, many times when I honored my emotions and said “No” to an obligation, I found that people actually responded with more respect and understanding because I was so truthful!

Learning to honor my emotions, trust my gut, and not take things personally didn’t just come naturally, though. Seeing a therapist regularly has helped me tremendously with all three of those things, and there is no shame in needing one if you feel like you’re having trouble honoring your emotions and/or if you struggle to say “No” to obligations, even when you wish you could. My therapist has supported me as I learned to find my own voice, and my work in therapy has empowered me throughout the years to utilize my voice every chance I get. Your voice is your truth, and no one can take that away from you.

If you aren’t feeling well when you have plans, and deep down, you really do not want to go out and do something, I encourage you to learn to be truthful, with yourself and with others. By doing so, you will likely learn, just as I did, that it’s perfectly all right to say no if you aren’t feeling good about something.

If you are struggling with how to begin, seeking support from a mental health professional might be a good place to start—doing so helped me a great deal. By finding your voice, you may not only find yourself opening up the door to self-empowerment, and you might also encourage others around you to do the same.

Julia is a college student and mental health advocate coping with borderline personality. She is currently studying psychology in order to become a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). 

Laughing couple embraces at home, cards ant notebook and snacks next to them on floorIn our fast-paced society, leisure often gets a bad rap. Working long hours and being productive is glorified, regardless of the quality of work. Although self-care, too, is a fairly new buzzword, too often it is something that is squeezed into busy schedules to try to counteract the long hours of work and increased stress that are pervasive in contemporary society. We may rise early to go to the gym or take a yoga class on lunch break during a typical workday. While there are benefits to squeezing in self-care, it can also contribute to the busyness of life when forced into one’s calendar.

When someone seeks to slow down, place boundaries around their work, or even take a more leisurely pace during the workday, they may be labeled as “slow,” “lazy,” or “unproductive.” It is valuable to have a good work ethic, but a work ethic is often confused with working ourselves to the point of doing psychological and physical damage. In truth, the hours of work and levels of stress people are encouraged to carry in contemporary society are contributing to what may become a physical and mental health crisis.

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The High Costs of Working Too Much

Working too much has consequences for oneself, one’s family, and one’s work (Alarcon, 2011). It can lead to anxiety, depression, irritability, family conflict, difficulty concentrating, and decreased productivity, among other challenges. In addition to the psychological difficulties, burnout has been connected with physical health issues, including an increased risk of cardiovascular problems (Toppinen-Tanner, Ahola, Koskinen, & Väänänen, 2009). This is not a small price.

The Benefits of Leisure

Leisure, on the other hand, has many benefits. Besides enjoyment, the most obvious benefit is that leisure allows our bodies to recover from the stress and activity of daily life. Leisure also provides time to reflect and think through what is happening in our lives. In my therapy practice, I find people often make comments such as, “I have not had time to think about it” or “I have wanted to find time to consider that.” Many people’s lives have become so busy that they do not have time to think about their life!

A slower pace allows for people to consider ideas and decisions more thoughtfully. It allows for creativity, including discovering creative solutions to one’s challenges.

Berg and Seeber (2016) maintain there are many benefits to attaining a slower pace in life. Although they write primarily about professors and academics, many of their ideas are relevant for those outside of university settings. A slower pace allows for people to consider ideas and decisions more thoughtfully. It allows for creativity, including discovering creative solutions to one’s challenges. It allows for people to find meaning in what is occurring in their life. Finally, it allows people to be more intentional in the choices they make.

Individuals who do not take time to think through their life often feel disconnected from themselves and those around them. This, in part, is because there is not time to make meaning from their lives. Irvin Yalom (1980) notes that people are meaning-seeking creatures by nature. In other words, we have a basic need to find meaning and to make sense of our lives. Leisure and reflection are essential to finding and engaging meaning.

Conclusion

It often is not easy to choose a more leisurely pace in life. For many, employers are requiring longer hours and justifying this as a necessity. Others need to work longer hours or more than one job to meet financial obligations. In these cases, it may be necessary to utilize self-care strategies, including making the most of the leisure time that is available. However, for others, busyness is a lifestyle choice that has become a habit or even an addiction. Many people have become so used to working that they experience anxiety or guilt when they slow down, which often is part of an addictive pattern. Even children and teenagers are often thrust into a schedule that allows for little time to rest. They need to be taught the value of including and embracing some slower periods in life.

The needed change is not just a personal one, but a social one. The costs of living an overly busy lifestyle need to be recognized alongside the benefits of cultivating periods of rest. We need to change the script about leisure as lazy or unproductive and, instead, recognize its value.

References:

  1. Alarcon, G. M. (2011). A meta-analysis of burnout with job demands, resources, and attitudes. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 79, 549-562.
  2. Berg, M., & Seeber, B. K., (2016). The slow professor: Challenging the culture of speed in the academy. Toronto, Canada: University of Toronto Press.
  3. Toppinen-Tanner, S., Ahola, K., Koskinen, A., & Väänänen, A. (2009). Burnout predicts hospitalization for mental and cardiovascular disorders: 10-year prospective results from industrial sector. Stress and Health, 25, 287-296.
  4. Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Young adult with ponytail in casual comfortable clothes sits on windowsill, leaning cheek on hand and looking outWhen I think about the people I work with in therapy who struggle with issues of separation and individuation, I notice that many who are confused or conflicted about who they are and what they want are very good at knowing what others need. They are often in relationships with significant others (e.g., partners, parents) where their role is to function as an emotional caretaker. In this role, they feel required to take on the responsibility for managing the emotional life of the other to assure that no uncomfortable and unwanted feelings are experienced. Not only does this require that they be on alert for the impact of the world on their significant other, but, most important, the caretaker must never be the cause of the other’s unwanted feelings. Critically, they must never allow their own wishes and desires to be considered as they undertake their role of regulating and soothing the other’s feelings.

What the Child Needs

From birth, the nature of the attachment between the infant and the primary caregiver impacts the development of the child’s sense of self and lays the groundwork for becoming an adult who can feel safe and secure in the world. The child needs a predictable, reliable relationship with a significant other who is able to be attuned to the infant and respond to their needs. This is essential for nourishing the development of an emotionally healthy human being who can trust and feel confident, valued, and stable. When these fundamental needs are absent, the infant is deprived of the resources and ability to reliably know who they are, what they need, and how to get their needs met.

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The child develops into an emotional caretaker when parents fail to supply the basic needs that good enough parents provide and, instead, the child is expected to provide for the parents’ needs. Some of the critical ingredients that allow children to blossom into loving, resilient, separate, self-aware grown-ups include the experiences of being:

And having:

Factors Associated with the Inability to Nurture

There are many factors that make it difficult for children, at all stages of development, to receive the basic requirements for getting the needed responses from their parents and/or significant others. The following (which refers to parents, primary caregivers, and significant others) is a very incomplete list of factors associated with the child becoming an emotional caretaker. This includes parents who are:

The Development of the Emotional Caretaker

What the parents in the list above share is an overriding interest in having the child meet their needs and a lack of awareness of and/or inability to be attuned to, care about, or consider their child’s needs as a frequent enough priority. The child learns they are expected to be responsible for regulating the parent’s emotions so the parent can be relieved of experiencing uncomfortable and intolerable feelings. If the child is successful in keeping the parent in a positive, contented state, they will be rewarded with the parent’s approval, interest, and connection. If unsuccessful, the child can feel isolated, abandoned, anxious, depressed, alone, guilty, terrified, and ungrounded. This puts the child at risk of believing the child is responsible and deserving of the parent’s neglect and disapproval.

Fran is a 56-year-old mother who feels required to caretake her significant others. She came into our session reporting a panic attack when her daughter told her she wasn’t supportive enough of the daughter’s wish to change jobs:

“I thought I was being supportive,” Fran said. “How could I be such an awful mother and make such a terrible mistake? I’m usually so careful and figure out just the right thing that makes my daughter happy. She’s 23 now, but since she was born I‘ve been on constant alert to any upset she might have and I feel like I’ve done something horrible when I can’t make her feel better.”

Fran struggles with anxiety in her relationships with her daughter and her husband. She has transferred the “powerful mother-compliant daughter” relationship she experienced in her childhood onto these familial relationships. Fran learned the necessity of emotional caretaking from infancy when she understood, if only unconsciously, that to get any of her own needs met and to not feel like a terrible person, she always had to make her mother a priority.

Learning to value oneself, and learning to feel comfortable considering oneself a priority, will evoke those old feelings. It is a formidable task to question the basis of those feelings and contemplate rejecting the definitions of self they imply.

Fran recalled that, as a child, “I was so attached to my mother. She could make me feel so good when she paid attention to me. But I always knew those feelings could disappear in a second if I missed her wish or didn’t fix some upset feeling. My father was a salesman and away a lot and he was also an emotionally distant person. I understand now that my mother had some trauma in her childhood. Her mother died when she was very young. But it’s hard to think she was, and still is, a fragile, needy person when she seems so large and powerful to me. I see that now, but it doesn’t change the power she had over me then and even now.”

I wondered: “How is she powerful now?”

Fran replied: “She’s going to be 80 and she looks so small. But maybe that makes it worse. I worry even more that I can hurt her. Every time I don’t figure out correctly what she wants or fail to give it to her, she feels hurt. I remember one time, I must have been 8 or 9, and I wanted to go on a sleepover to my friend’s house. My father must have been on the road. I was pretty good at not asking for things I figured my mother wouldn’t want me to have. I didn’t want to upset her. Maybe I remember this because it was unusual for me to even let myself know what I wanted, let alone ask. But I asked and—I’ll never forget that look. It was so full of scary feelings. I probably couldn’t identify them at the time, but I guess there was anger, contempt, disgust directed at me. I think I was terrified. Probably what made it worse—and I can’t be absolutely sure of this memory—is that her words, which she said sweetly, were something like, ‘Oh, I thought we would spend some time together.’ She may not actually have told me that I couldn’t go, but I got the message she was the sweet mom and I was the mean daughter.”

The Child’s Adaptation to the Parent’s Needs

The parent’s caretaking of the child is conditional on the child’s success in caretaking the parent. Typically, the child will begin to feel like a bad person for not fulfilling the parent’s wishes and desires. These feelings are learned early through the parent’s conscious, unconscious, direct, and indirect communications. The most powerful lessons are not conveyed through words as much as through the child’s felt experiences of (1) anxiety for not responding successfully; (2) guilt for not being good enough; and/or (3) shame for being thoughtless, hurtful, neglectful, etc. of the parent.

The child learns (mostly unconsciously) to choose approval and love which they earn if they excel at recognizing and responding to the parent’s needs. Thus, to avoid painful feelings and create hope for good feelings, the child becomes hyper-focused on what the parent needs and wants. They must be hypervigilant in their attunement to the parent and dedicate themselves to keeping the parent in an emotionally even place. However, even if they are successful, the good feelings are transient and can easily be disrupted if the parent feels the child has loosened their vigilant devotion. Thus, the vigilance must not cease.

Fran’s awareness of what her mother wanted brought quick compliance. Most likely she was unaware of her own conflicts. The child’s anxious attention to their parent’s needs necessitates the (often unconscious) blocking out of awareness of their own wishes and desires. It is reasonable to assume that as Fran reacted to that look, her unconscious functioned to erase any desire to know or consider her own needs, allowing her to avoid bad feelings and focus on possible good feelings spending time with her mother. It’s also possible that simply expressing her desire for the sleepover might have ruled out any approval for Fran’s ultimate compliance.

The emotional caretaker has little choice but to become a compliant person who is dependent on the parent to be the ultimate definer of who they are, what they need, and how they should think and feel about themselves. Self-reflection, discovering one’s own desires and feelings, learning what one wants, and feeling comfortable about getting it can be dangerous. This dynamic does not support the child’s growth and development into a unique individual who can feel confident, worthy, safe, and secure.

Becoming Free of the Emotional Caretaker Response

The process of becoming a person who can know what they need and be comfortable asking for it, instead of automatically caretaking the significant other, can be difficult and painful. Since prioritizing the other has been well developed to avoid horrific feelings, it is understandable that changing this behavior will require tolerating the many feelings from significant others that have been vigilantly avoided.

Learning to value oneself, and learning to feel comfortable considering oneself a priority, will evoke those old feelings. It is a formidable task to question the basis of those feelings and contemplate rejecting the definitions of self they imply. The early parent-child relationship needs to be explored, and it will be painful to recognize the parent’s role in creating these bad self-feelings. Additional pain can be expected as one attempts to change behaviors in relation to significant others. What is difficult, but necessary, is to develop the tolerance for the emergence of bad feelings while changing behavior from always prioritizing the significant other to giving equal consideration to oneself.

As one becomes increasingly aware of one’s own needs, it may be emotionally demanding to say no to loved ones and choose oneself. The goal is to develop the ability to find balance between attending to those we love and prioritizing ourselves. This balance is developed simultaneously with the growth of new definitions of self as a person who feels secure, valuable, confident, and loveable.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Hiker with backpack and long ponytail watching the sunset on top of a mountain and over the oceanBeing the parent of a child with a disability carries with it unique responsibilities, stressors, and rewards. It requires an extra dose of emotional resilience, perseverance, and resourcefulness. Powered by the same (or an even stronger) drive to nurture, protect, and empower their children as parents of kids perceived as normatively abled, parents of children with physical, intellectual, or developmental disabilities such as autism spectrum issues, spina bifida, or Down syndrome often face profound social and systemic prejudices. These “invisible” obstacles can be all the more agonizing when they are unacknowledged.

The Global Partnership for Education notes “children with disabilities remain the most excluded group [when it comes to educational opportunities], discriminated not only because of their disability but also because of lack of understanding and knowledge about its causes, implications, and stigma.” Even parents seeking to support their child with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) or physical conditions such as blindness or mobility issues can find themselves overwhelmed by the challenges of getting proper testing or access to a restroom or play space. When a child’s disability dovetails with preexisting societal or cultural prejudices related to gender, race, religious affiliation, or sexual identity, the challenges intensify, with an impact on parents that peers, colleagues, and others may not fully comprehend or appreciate.

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As parents of children with disabilities proactively seek information and support and advocate for their children, they may discover frustrating limitations that reinforce a sense of isolation or exclusion and stoke emotions such as grief or anger. As a result of these and other factors, parents seeking support for their special needs children have special needs of their own when it comes to self-care.

Here are some key ways parents of children with disabilities can make self-care a priority:

1. Get support.

Parents of children with disabilities face added pressures and need to acknowledge their limitations and find ways to slow down, let go, and relax control, giving their nervous systems a much-needed rest.

2. Find time to do the things you love.

As the parent of a child with a disability, you likely expend tremendous energy trying to make sure your child has the privileges and opportunities available to other children. When your child’s disability is long-term or involves being vigilant about basic safety needs, the strain can take a toll on your well-being unless you are disciplined about your self-care.

Finding ways to recharge, relax, and experience pleasure in your life is essential. The more balanced, relaxed, and recharged you are, the more patient, caring, and proactive you can be as your child’s protector, nurturer, and advocate. Start with making a list of “Fun Things I Would Do If I Had Time.” You might include activities like going for a bike ride, going to dinner with a friend or partner, painting or journaling, watching a movie, getting a massage, taking a walk outdoors, or going to the gym.

3. Seek and take advantage of respite care services in your city or state.

Some parents of children with disabilities avoid taking advantage of respite care services for their children or feel pressured to “do it all on their own.” They may be anxious about their children not receiving proper or attuned care, or they may feel guilty about needing a break. In fact, allowing yourself and your child to be supported by trained caregivers can offer both of you a positive “time out” from each other, allowing you to hit the figurative reset button. It can help you replenish your emotional resources so you can be stronger and more resilient in your parenting.

4. Meditate.

Meditation can help you slow down, be in the present moment, and let go of trying to fix or control external circumstances, even if only for 5 to 10 minutes a day. There are multiple phone apps available with free or low-fee audio recordings of brief, guided meditations you can do between tasks, while you’re waiting in line at the store, or when you’re taking a bathroom break. These apps have reminders that encourage you to take a few moments out of your day and check in with yourself.

Everyone needs practice letting go of endlessly regenerating thoughts, beliefs, fear-based stories, and regrets in the interest of simply accepting life as it is right now. Parents of children with disabilities face added pressures and need to acknowledge their limitations and find ways to slow down, let go, and relax control, giving their nervous systems a much-needed rest.

In addition to experiencing high levels of chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, parents of children with disabilities are faced with the heartbreaking limitations that exist in a world where not all children are included, considered, and prioritized in the same ways. As you work to confront and overcome these limitations and to secure services, treatments, opportunities, and access for your child that will help them develop and thrive, it’s easy to ignore or minimize your needs. Far from being a self-indulgent luxury, your self-care is a critical necessity.

Reference:

  1. Children with disabilities. (2017). Retrieved from http://www.globalpartnership.org/focus-areas/children-with-disabilities
  2. Self-care for parents and caregivers of children with a disability. (2017). Retrieved from https://www.kidcentraltn.com/article/self-care-for-parents-and-caregivers-of-children-with-a-disability

Parent with long ponytail and blue dress sits at desk, forehead supported with hand, as child with pigtails approaches with toyParenting is one of the hardest, most stressful, yet rewarding experiences a person can have. We love our little ones with all our hearts, but they often test our limits. Being a parent can bring out the best and worst in each of us. Parenting with anxiety, however, can make the experience more challenging for parents and kids alike.

Let’s set the scene: You are out to dinner and your child starts to throw a massive temper tantrum. You feel the eyes of the other diners and wait staff trained on you, waiting to see what will happen next. At home you could simply ignore the fit, but in public something must be done. The pressure is on to resolve the situation so your child can calm down and the other restaurant patrons can go back to a peaceful dinner. Not an easy feat, right? You feel the tension rise in your mind and body, but you manage to resolve the situation in one way or another.

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Next, consider how you might feel in this situation with an anxiety condition. You might have already been in an anxious state just leaving your house and going into a public space. You could be preoccupied with fears of judgment from others, germs, or a catastrophe taking place. You may sweat when you look in your server’s eyes to order because of social anxiety. You may ritualistically count in your head to manage the rising panic. These are all examples of how different anxiety conditions can affect your frame of mind when you leave the house.

Now let’s add that lovely temper tantrum your toddler is throwing. How well will you be able to problem-solve while in a heightened state? Will you be able to deal with your child calmly or will your anxiety morph into extreme irritability that gets taken out on your child? What is the likelihood it might escalate into a panic attack and you won’t be able to handle it at all?

You can see how anxiety can become so distracting that your ability to effectively parent in a high-stress situation is compromised. Yes, being a parent is hard and can make anyone anxious. But when you are living with an anxiety condition, it can be downright overwhelming. Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger. It takes away our ability to have faith in the future and trust our judgment. The resulting thinking patterns can significantly affect our parenting.

Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger.

If you have a fear of infection from germs, your choices to wash your hands excessively or avoid certain activities may have an impact on your children. If you have social anxiety and avoid leaving the house or meeting new people, your children may follow your example. If you are preoccupied with your children’s behaviors for fear of what they might lead to 10 or 15 years down the line, you may not be able to be present with them to teach them how to behave.

There is so much pressure on parents, especially mothers, to be perfect and to have perfect children. Parents are exposed to more information than ever about how their parenting may affect their children long-term. From screen time to nutrition to discipline, it is easy to find a multitude of articles or studies to suggest you are somehow damaging your children. These sources of information can be helpful, but can also give us a false sense of control over how to avoid anything negative happening to our kids.

So how can people with anxiety conditions parent effectively while maintaining their own mental health? Here are five ways to parent while anxious:

1. SELF-CARE!

Self-care is the first and most important method to improve parenting skills—and it applies to everyone, regardless of whether you have an anxiety condition. Simply put, you can’t give your kids everything when you have nothing to give. Take the time to consider what you need to do for yourself to keep your symptoms under control. There are things everyone needs: exercise, good nutrition, time to recharge. There are also things that are unique to you. Do you love reading? Biking? Kickboxing? Time with friends? Think about what helps you recharge your batteries so the mental and physical energy to care for your kids can be there.

2. Know Your Limits

When you have an anxiety condition, your comfort zone can be smaller and more defined than for most. If you know going out to dinner with the kids is stressful, don’t go unless you can’t avoid it. If you can’t handle watching your kids play in the dirt, have your partner or a family member oversee cleanup. Don’t sign up for every committee at school if your social anxiety makes it feel overwhelming. There are always unavoidable triggers, and it isn’t advisable to avoid everything that tends to make you anxious, as doing so can ultimately increase anxiety. If you know you are going into a stressful situation, try to do it sans kids.

3. Have a Handy List of Coping Skills

When you get a moment, sit down and think about helpful ways to resolve your anxiety in the moment. Deep breathing, visualization, meditation, and 5-minute time-outs are all examples of ways to potentially reduce anxiety. When your anxiety is on the rise, you are not thinking clearly. Having these coping skills written down and available may make it easier to do what is necessary to calm down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

We all have ugly parenting moments for one reason or another. You deserve compassion and forgiveness for yourself in the times your anxiety negatively affects your parenting. Remember, you are doing the best you can do and beating yourself up won’t help you be a better parent.

5. Get Help

Speak with your doctor, family, friends, or anyone else you trust about your anxiety. Making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety is a good step in learning how to feel better and be a more effective parent. You don’t need to suffer alone with your symptoms. There is help for you.

young man in headphones gesturing and keeping eyes closed while listening to music in big comfortable chair at homeWe all have busy schedules that can sometimes make self-care and stress management challenging. Many of us understand the importance of a daily 30-minute fitness regimen, meditation practice, or yoga class for our overall well-being. So are we out of luck when we don’t have 30 minutes in the day for a stress-buster? Are we doomed to be flooded by stress hormones all day long? Absolutely not. There is plenty we can do with only minutes in the day to de-stress.

Mini-mental health workouts can be the answer on these hectic days. Additionally, these exercises can be used to complement your other self-care practices to create even more stress management benefits. These mini-mental health breaks are fun and will help reduce stress hormones while leaving you feeling replenished and energized.

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While mini-mental health workouts can go a long way toward managing mood and decreasing stress levels, they should not replace more substantive self-care practices such as cardio workouts or yoga classes. Here are a few exercises anyone can easily incorporate into their daily activity to help de-stress and feel good:

  1. Strike a pose: That’s right, do your best Wonder Woman or Superman pose with arms fixed on your hips and legs shoulder width apart for 2 minutes. Alternatively, celebrate like you just climbed Mount Everest, with hands raised above your head in a “V.” These are only a few of the power poses studied in 2010 by Amy Cuddy, social psychologist and professor at Harvard Business School. According to her research, 2 minutes is all you need to change your body chemistry to promote confidence while decreasing cortisol (stress hormone) levels. These simple poses can brighten your mood and reduce your anxiety in short order.
  2. Pictures of nature: Don’t have time to go for a walk outside? Then try this trick for your brain, mind, and body. All you have to do is spend at least 5 minutes looking at snapshots of nature and greenery to potentially see a change in your stress levels. This powerhouse mini-mental break mobilizes the calming parasympathetic nervous system and may produce a relaxation response, leaving you feeling refreshed (van den Berg, et. al., 2015).
    These five simple and fast tools weaved into your routine may help increase your productivity while minimizing the energy-depleting effects of stress.
  3. Listen to a song: Have a list of “feel-good songs” you can play when low on energy or feeling stressed. Rock it out for a couple of minutes when you need to. If you have some privacy, consider pairing your feel-good song with a dance party, your best air guitar, or air drumming for increased physical movement which will allow for the release of the feel-good chemical dopamine. The movement combined with the music packs an extra punch.
  4. Simulated or genuine laughter: Laugh it up for a couple of minutes. Try watching a funny video clip or a scene from one of your favorite comedies. Laughter is often said to be the best medicine, and there is plenty of science to back that up. Since the 1980s, Dr. Lee S. Berk, a researcher at Loma Linda University, has found laughter has amazing benefits. She discovered laughter can mobilize the relaxation response in the body by decreasing stress hormones and stimulating the release of feel-good endorphins. If you can’t think of anything to help create a laugh, don’t worry—a simulated belly laugh can be just as powerful, with the same potential yield.
  5. Deep breathing/diaphragmatic breathing: Taking deep, rhythmic breaths is one of the most powerful ways to put the brakes on the sympathetic nervous system and stimulate a relaxation response. This means taking in breaths through your nose to the count of five and then holding for five seconds before exhaling through pursed lips to another count of five (select a breath count that is comfortable for you) can have immediate positive effects. Many meditation practitioners and behavioral health experts believe deep breathing is one of the most powerful weapons in combating stress.

So next time you have to skip your cardio boot camp class, don’t fret—you still have options for stress management. By implementing these mini-mental health workouts into your day, you may be better able to manage your stress and mood. These five simple and fast tools weaved into your routine may help increase your productivity while minimizing the energy-depleting effects of stress.

All you need is 120 to 300 seconds throughout the day to employ these tools. Anyone can do that!

References:

  1. Carney, D. R., Cuddy, A. J.C., & Yap, A. J. (2010). Power posing: Brief nonverbal displays affect neuroendocrine levels and risk tolerance. Psychological Science, 21(10), 1363-1368. doi:1177/0956797610383437
  2. van den Berg, M. M. H. E., Maas, J., Muller, R., Braun, A., Kaandorp, W., van Lien, R., van Poppel, M. N. M., van Mechelen, W., & van den Berg, A. E. (2015). Autonomic nervous system responses to viewing green and built settings: Differentiating between sympathetic and parasympathetic activity. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 12(12), 15860-15874. doi: 3390/ijerph121215026

Two people sit at table, looking at each other and holding coffee. One is talking to the other. Do you consider yourself a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?

Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above questions, it may serve you to become better at saying “no.”

William Ury, in his book The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No, suggests the dilemma we encounter in saying “no” often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our own sense of power and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship. Ury says we often find ourselves doing one of three things in response to a request:

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  1. Accommodate. We say yes when we really want to say no. This brings us a temporary, false sense of peace, later be replaced with apprehension and resentment. We defer to the relationship with no regard for our power and ironically end up undermining the relationship in the long run.
  2. Attack. We often do this with those we love the most, the ones we take for granted. We say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power, but with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person.
  3. Avoid. We don’t prioritize our personal power OR the relationship; in other words, everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.

It’s important to be able to say no so you feel empowered while still maintaining your relationships with others. Saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you.

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Some people question what to do when they don’t have an immediate answer to an inquiry. It’s okay to take a little time to think about your response. To keep yourself from avoiding altogether, provide a deadline by which you need to decide what your answer will be. Tell the other person something like, “I need to give your request some thought. I will let you know by noon Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes.

A helpful strategy that can enable you to say no with greater ease is to gain clarity around the kinds of things to which you want to say yes. Make a list of your top three priorities (and understand that they may change). Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard. When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, feel free to answer the inquiry affirmatively. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.

Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning (in fact, sometimes it can invite challenges to your “no”). However, you can say something about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes. Doing so lets others know you are acknowledging the request, and demonstrates respect for the person who asked. Communicating to others that they’ve been heard can go a long way toward strengthening a relationship, even when you say no.

Another helpful strategy suggested by Ury is to have an “anchor phrase.” Examples might be “I have a policy …” or “I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later” or “I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.” Once you have your anchor phrase, you can practice it. As a result of being proactive and prepared, you may be able to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your yes rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.

Reference:

Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Mature man leans back in armchair, wearing headphones, smilingStress has a way of upending our lives—it can cause tension in our relationships, anxiety in our thoughts, and tightness in our bodies. You may have a self-care practice in place, or yours may need some shoring up.

Either way, mindful music listening can be a wonderful way to reduce your stress and reconnect with your body and breath. Mindfulness—the practice of being in the present moment—can be practiced at any time and anywhere. I often use mindfulness exercises with people in therapy as a way to tune into their body, breath, and mind. Mindfulness is not about having an empty mind, but simply noticing whatever is there, thoughts and all.

However, if you find mindfulness challenging (or haven’t tried it!), the addition of music can help you stay focused, while simultaneously helping you to connect with music as a source of strength and creative energy. Music can be a powerful way to experience the present moment.

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Take a moment to think about the music in your life. Do you listen to music regularly? Is it live music? Recorded music? What kind of music moves you? Helps you relax? Energizes you? Do you play an instrument or sing? What music do you hear around you (perhaps music your kids or partner listen to)?

Now think about your relationship with music for a moment. Is it a source of frustration or a joy? Do you feel disconnected from music sometimes? Does music soothe you when nothing else seems to work? Do you have a lot of music on your phone but never listen to it?

Whether you listen to music all the time or rarely, mindful music listening can help you slow down and be in the moment. Here’s how:

  1. Choose a piece of music to listen to. I usually use instrumental pieces, as lyrics can add a whole extra layer, but it’s up to you. It can either be a familiar or unfamiliar piece (it’s interesting to repeat this exercise with the opposite of what you choose this time, just to notice if anything feels different).
  2. Take a moment to breathe and ground yourself—no matter where you are, or what’s going on around you. Inhale gently through your nose, and exhale deeply through your open lips. Notice your body, and tune into how it feels, whether you’re standing, sitting, walking, or laying down. Just notice any physical structures your body is touching (the floor, the chair, or your shoes) as well as any physical sensations (tightness, tension) in your body.
  3. Just listen. Use headphones or earbuds if that helps you focus or shut out external noise. Give yourself permission to only listen to the music, without simultaneously checking your email or refreshing your Facebook feed. If it helps, close your eyes (if that’s challenging, it’s likely because you really need the break!).
  4. Notice. Let yourself be aware of anything you notice, without judgment or self-criticism. Notice the pace of the music, the sounds of the different instruments, or the shifts in volume. Notice if you’re more aware of a certain part of your body as you listen (i.e., “I often feel vibrations of cello music in my chest”). Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up—perhaps the music is connected to a memory, or perhaps an anxious thought is trying to pop through. Let any thoughts just pass through your awareness, and then gently bring yourself back to the sounds of the music.
  5. Reflect. Take a moment to breathe and check in with your body, breath, and mind (see step 2). Does anything feel different? Do you notice any shifts after listening to the piece of music? Do you feel calmer? If the piece you chose didn’t feel like a good fit, what might you look for in another piece (i.e., slower, fewer instruments, louder)?

This short mindfulness experience can be a useful thing to practice daily, much like meditating. You might experiment with different types of music as a way to notice different responses. You may also find that repeating the same piece of music is a sort of touchstone, a way to continually reconnect to that place inside where gentle pausing and noticing can happen with ease.

I’d love to hear what piece of music you chose to listen to. Feel free to leave a comment below.

Adult professional works at table while son and older adult sit in backgroundGood self-care is a rich package involving more than just getting enough sleep. Self-care involves taking care of yourself both within the context of your helping relationships and in your life outside your work.

The primary question is: What does it take for me to show up for the people I help in a way I feel good about? Give yourself an opportunity to look at your self-care personally and within the therapeutic relationship. Rate yourself in the following areas on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 meaning you are very good at this aspect of self-care.

Balance

  1. Maintaining an appropriate workload
  2. Creating diversity of expressive, recreational, and spiritual activities
  3. Developing the ability to both savor and serve
  4. Setting a high priority on self-care
  5. Attending to your inner balance

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Rest

  1. Getting enough rest and retreat time
  2. Planning ahead for times of renewal
  3. Allowing for goof-off time
  4. Getting adequate physical exercise
  5. Being kind and compassionate toward yourself

Satisfaction

  1. Approaching people you help with an attitude of curiosity—savoring and being nourished by their essential qualities; feeling gratitude
  2. Appreciating the value and importance of your professional offerings
  3. Finding novelty in daily routine and resting in the ease of familiar skillfulness
  4. Feeling a sense of inner satisfaction and pleasure in your work
  5. Staying in touch with your desire and vision for service

Support

  1. Using supervision and personal support
  2. Keeping appropriate records, disclosure forms, and malpractice insurance
  3. Knowing, accepting, and accommodating for your limitations
  4. Seeking and using feedback
  5. Accessing continuing education that is inspiring, informative, and stimulating

Here’s a little more background on some of the items listed in the self-assessment above:

3. Serving and Savoring

The following quote from E. B. White got me to thinking: “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” Spending some time walking from one pole to the other in my living room, I became clear that, of course, the choice is not between one or the other—saving or savoring—but finding service in savoring and savoring in service. Taken to an extreme, savoring becomes an ineffective and flat self-indulgence, and taken to the other extreme, serving becomes a desperate and burned-out saving the world. Finding ways to savor—your experiences, beauty, integrity—while you are serving will add richness, nourishment, and satisfaction to your experience of service; and finding ways to serve will add meaning and depth to your appreciation of life.

4. Self-Care as a Priority

A student puts it this way: “I just didn’t get the ethics of this until now. Self-care never even got on my priority list. It was like a luxury or a reward for overworking. Now I understand how my lack of self-care seriously disrupts my ability to be present with my clients. So my question is going to be, ‘What does it take for me to show up for my clients in a way that I feel good about?’ For me, at the most basic level, that means having gotten enough sleep, exercise, and meditation.”

10. Being Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself

Secondary traumatic stress refers to the traumatic stress that can be experienced by caregivers as they work with people in pain and suffering. Sometimes this is referred to as compassion fatigue. It is often unrecognized and under-attended. B. Hudnell Stamm writes: “Secondary traumatic stress makes [a demand] on us: to depart from believing in the illusion that we are protected from other’s pain by scientific postures and our ‘white coats.’ I would not suggest that we leave objectivity behind, but that we recognize that our personal passions drive our desires to do this work and our training and good supervision—of our clinical work, or research, or our teaching—helps us keep our balance and objectivity. Objectivity and flintiness are not a guarantee of our training. Nor should they be. The capacity for compassion and empathy seem to be at the core of our ability to do the work and at the core of our ability to be wounded by the work.”

11. Approaching People You Help with an Attitude of Curiosity

Replacing an anxious “having to know everything” with an attitude of curiosity and attention to what is happening can bring more ease and healing receptiveness for both you and the people you help. Ron Kurtz calls savoring “non-egocentric nourishment.” This is the ability to be nourished by the essential qualities of the people you work with in therapy. This is significantly different from ego pleasure of being a good therapist or making a good intervention or having a great insight. It is a kind of ordinary and transcendent nourishment. It might start with the enjoyment of curiosity and discovery. It might come through seeing the vulnerability or suffering of the other. You are searching for the universal, for the grace and beauty, for some essential good you can see in a person and finding some way you can start to let that fill you up. The people you help will feel your delight and appreciation, and not only will you feel more satisfied and less tired, but your practice will be helping people learn more self-compassion and appreciation.

16. Asking for Support

For helping professionals, asking for help is often felt as a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Think of asking for help as an art. As a colleague said, “Be efficient with your needs. Tell people what you need. Teach people how to leave you alone if they are bugging you. Teach people how to please you if they are taking advantage of you. Teaching can be kind and gentle. The point is to make your needs known in a way they can be met.” When you ask for help and the answer is “no,” ask the person, “If you can’t do this, what could you do?” or, “What part of what I am asking for could you do?” When others ask you for help, practice responding with what, however small, you CAN do, rather than pained excuses for what you can’t do.

18. Knowing Your Limitations

Most often the focus of personal development is on improving in areas of weakness. This is one part of becoming more skillful. But there is another half of skillfulness: accepting and accommodating to limitations. Limitations are important. We all have them. If you are not good at remembering details, it may be more skillful to take time to make clear notes after a session rather than trying to remember things better and getting upset when you don’t. If you know you have a hard time with time boundaries, it may be more skillful to accept this and tell the people you help that you are setting your watch for 10 minutes before the end of the session so it will beep as a reminder to both of you of the time boundary, rather than stressing about going over time.

Once you complete your own personal assessment of how you are doing with your self-care package, I recommend acknowledging the ways you are caring for yourself well. This is a good place to start. Then take a look at the places where you are not doing so well and choose one to three items to make a commitment to improving. Perhaps arrange to check in with someone in a few weeks. The people you help will be all the better for your attention to self-care. Plus, you will likely be happier.

Reference:

Hudnall Stamm, B. (1995). Secondary Traumatic Stress: Self-Care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers and Educators, Preface, p. 1. Brooklandville, MD: Sidran Press.

Person sits in meadow with dog at sunsetPeople are drawn to the helping professions for many different reasons. They may feel a calling to assist in relieving others’ suffering and to help them heal from their emotional wounds. They may have been traumatized themselves and wish to share the coping skills they’ve learned with others going through similar issues. Or they may feel caring for others brings meaning and a sense of purpose to their lives.

Whatever their reasons for becoming a therapist or other helping professional, they often experience vicarious trauma through the stories told by the people they work with. This secondary trauma, also referred to as compassion fatigue, can seriously hinder their work if they remain unaware of its negative impact and/or do not practice sufficient self-care strategies.

Becoming aware of the signs of compassion fatigue is the first step in addressing the issue. The following are some red flags:

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  1. Preoccupation with the traumatic stories of the people they work with
  2. Emotional symptoms of anger, grief, mood swings, anxiety, or depression
  3. Physical issues related to stress, such as headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, or problems sleeping
  4. Feeling burned out, powerless, hopeless, disillusioned, irritable, and/or angry toward “the system”
  5. A tendency to self-isolate, be tardy, avoid certain people, or experience a lack of empathy and loss of motivation

Some of the professionals most likely to experience compassion fatigue include therapists, social workers, child welfare workers, emergency workers, police officers, firefighters, and ministers. However, anyone working with trauma survivors is susceptible to vicarious trauma. Helping professionals who have been subjected to trauma themselves also may be more at risk for developing compassion fatigue, especially if they have not worked through their issues.

Developing an adequate self-care strategy is key to preventing or overcoming vicarious trauma. Some of the techniques that can be used include:

Although all helping professionals are in danger of developing compassion fatigue, especially when working with individuals who have experienced traumatic events, having a self-care plan in place can help reduce the risks.

Action shot of young woman happily jogging with dogWhat does wellness look like to you? When you envision someone who is “well” and “healthy,” what comes to mind? What factors do you think influence wellness?

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has identified eight dimensions of wellness to focus on to optimize health. The eight dimensions include: emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, occupational, and social. Wellness can be compromised by lack of support, trauma, unhelpful thinking styles, chronic illness/disability, and substance use. The eight dimensions are described below and are accompanied by examples and ideas for improving each area.

1. Emotional

SAMHSA identifies emotional wellness as an ability to cope effectively with life and build satisfying relationships with others. People with healthy emotional wellness feel confident, in control of their feelings and behaviors, and are able to handle life challenges. Working through life challenges can build resiliency as we learn that setbacks can be overcome. Emotional health can be maintained or improved by engaging in regular leisure and recreational activities. Do activities that involve each of your senses: smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound. Listen to music, eat your favorite food, light your favorite candle, play with your pet, and watch your favorite movie or the sunset.

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2. Spiritual

Spiritual wellness is related to your values and beliefs that help you find meaning and purpose in your life. Spiritual wellness may come from activities such as volunteering, self-reflection, meditation, prayer, or spending time in nature. Signs of strong spiritual health include having clear values, a sense of self-confidence, and a feeling of inner peace. To improve your spiritual health, it can help to create a quiet space for solitude and contemplation or a place of curiosity and playfulness. Maintaining a playful, curious attitude can help you find experiences that offer hope, purpose, and meaning.

3. Intellectual

Intellectual wellness is when you recognize your unique talents to be creative and you seek out ways to use your knowledge and skills. When you foster your intellectual wellness, you participate in activities that cultivate mental growth. Reading, doing challenging puzzles such as crosswords or Sudoku, debating issues with others who have opposing viewpoints, learning a new language or musical instrument, trying a new hobby, or teaching and tutoring others are all ways to maintain or improve your intellectual wellness. When you challenge yourself to learn a new skill, you are building your intellectual health. People who pay attention to their intellectual wellness often find that they have better concentration, improved memory, and better critical thinking skills.

4. Physical

Physical wellness is affected by physical activity, healthy nutrition, and adequate sleep. There are many examples of physical activity that range in levels of intensity from light to vigorous. Maintaining your physical health can include yoga, bike riding, jumping rope, engaging in sports, running, walking, jogging, skiing, dancing, tennis, and gardening. Many people use smoking as a coping tool. Unfortunately, this method of coping can lead to a number of physical health problems, including heart disease and cancer, and can increase one’s chances of premature death. SAMHSA states that smoking-related illnesses are related to half of all deaths for people diagnosed with a behavioral health condition.

Environmental wellness is related to the surroundings you occupy. This dimension of health connects your overall well-being to the health of your environment. Your environment, both your social and natural surroundings, can greatly impact how you feel.

5. Environmental

Environmental wellness is related to the surroundings you occupy. This dimension of health connects your overall well-being to the health of your environment. Your environment, both your social and natural surroundings, can greatly impact how you feel. It can be hard to feel good if you are surrounded by clutter and disorganization, or if you feel unsafe in your environment. Pollution, violence, garbage buildup, and water conservation are some of the factors affecting environmental wellness. Ways to manage environmental wellness include creating neighborhood watches, recycling, planting a personal or community garden, purchasing products with minimal packaging, avoiding littering, and conserving energy and water by turning off lights and water when not in use.

6. Financial

Financial wellness is a feeling of satisfaction about your financial situation. Finances are a common stressor for people, so being able to minimize worry about this aspect of your life can enhance your overall wellness. Options for managing financial wellness include having a household budget, starting a savings account and adding to it every month even if it is just a small amount, saving some of your income in an emergency account, cutting back or limiting unnecessary expenses, avoiding credit card debt, donating to a meaningful charity, shopping at thrift stores, utilizing the library for free books and DVDs, and cooking your own meals instead of dining out. Try tracking your spending for a month to see where your money is going and set goals based on what you find.

7. Occupational

Occupational wellness is a sense of satisfaction with your choice of work. Occupational wellness involves balancing work and leisure time, building relationships with coworkers, and managing workplace stress. An occupational wellness goal might include finding work that is meaningful and financially rewarding. Finding work that fits with your values, interests, and skills can help maintain occupational wellness. Consider your office culture and determine how supported you feel; if you discover you feel a lack of support, seek out support from others close to you and be sure to engage in recreational activities that can help balance out work stress.

8. Social

Social wellness is a sense of connectedness and belonging. The social dimension of health involves creating and maintaining a healthy support network. Building a healthy social dimension might involve asking a colleague or acquaintance out for lunch, joining a club or organization, setting healthy boundaries, using good communication skills that are assertive rather than passive or aggressive, being genuine and authentic with others, and treating others in a respectful way.

What dimensions do you feel are your strongest? What areas would you like to work on? If you have areas you would like to improve, seeking out support can be helpful, whether it’s from a friend, family member, or counselor. What would life be like if you optimized all eight dimensions? Setting goals for yourself in each area can help you feel more fulfilled and optimize your health.

Reference:

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). (2016, April 28). The Eight Dimensions of Wellness. Retrieved from http://www.samhsa.gov/wellness-initiative/eight-dimensions-wellness

Man and dog hike on grassy hill under cloudy skyIn today’s busy society, where everyone is scrambling to find time for (fill-in-the-blank activity/ person), it can be challenging to carve out time that’s entirely for you. However, the value of having time for yourself cannot be measured. Within a romantic relationship, ensuring each person still has a sense of “me” can lead to stronger and more fulfilling experiences of “we.”

Why ‘Me’ Time Is Important

Think back to when you entered your relationship. Remember that you? Chances are the friends you had and the experiences you engaged in were among the factors that drew your partner in, at least a little.

Having individual experiences can be as valuable to the relationship as shared experiences. Leaving room to allow yourself to go out and experience life without always having your partner at your side leaves you with an opportunity to share your new experiences, ideas, and thoughts when you and your partner reengage.

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Challenges to ‘Me’ Time

Holding on to and expressing your individuality can be particularly challenging in codependent relationships where one partner feels like they have limited autonomy and control or that they have a controlling/demanding partner. If you find you encounter guilty feelings/thoughts or your partner becomes angry or resentful when you shift into “me” time, it might be wise to examine your relationship more closely. Maintaining a sense of self and engaging in activities independent of the partnership can be difficult even in healthy relationships, but having intense negative reactions to exploring activities outside of the relationship may be a sign it is moving into an unhealthy space.

‘Me’ Still Respects the ‘We’

Making space for your individuality within your relationship does not mean you are exiting or avoiding the relationship. “Me” time should not be used as a method to escape difficult conversations or issues coming up in the relationship. If you find you are using alone time to escape, you might try reflecting on how your habits may be markers of unresolved issues and how you might become more present to tackle difficult moments.

Good “me” time respects the partnership and your partner by avoiding engagement in activities that may harm or disrupt the relationship or foster distrust. “Me” time can allow you to reconnect with what’s important to you and can be used to enhance the connection you have with your partner.

How to Make ‘Me’ Time

Schedule it! Your own time needs to be as important to you as your best friend’s birthday party or your partner’s promotion celebration. Let it live in your calendar and carry the same weight as other important plans.

When you live with your partner, finding time to be alone can become even more challenging. Speak with your partner and find ways to carve out physical and mental space for yourself to do things you enjoy doing—say, reading or working on puzzles.

Below are 20 ways to carve out time for yourself. See how many more you can come up with, then go about picking dates on the calendar to put them into place.

  1. Set aside 30 to 45 minutes after work to do something YOU want to do.
  2. Take a walk or a run by yourself.
  3. Plan a date with your friends.
  4. Plan a date night for yourself.
  5. Tackle a hobby off your hobby list.
  6. Spend time journaling without interruption.
  7. Take a solo vacation.
  8. Treat yourself to a spa day.
  9. Exercise on your own.
  10. Call a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with.
  11. Go hear live music.
  12. Go on a hike.
  13. Take a long drive.
  14. Go to a movie or museum.
  15. Go to a cultural event.
  16. Go shopping.
  17. Engage in an academic pursuit.
  18. Set up an individual counseling appointment to learn more about yourself.
  19. Find a TV series to watch.
  20. Explore an online meet-up group that matches your interests.
Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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