While recently updating our business practices, my colleague and I had a lengthy conversation regarding cancellation and no-show policies and related fees. I became curious how others, both clinicians and those seeking therapy, feel about this sometimes seemingly taboo topic.

Let me first state my practice’s policy: We request 24 hours’ notice for cancellations. Cancellations made prior to this window are rescheduled with no penalty. Cancellations made without 24 hours’ notice but prior to the start of the session incur a $50 late-cancellation fee. No-shows or cancellations made after the start of the session incur the full fee.

I’m curious what people’s reactions to this policy are. My guess is some may find it too harsh, while others may find it too lenient or too complicated. Many mental health care practitioners’ policies include charging the full fee for any cancellation within a 24- to 48-hour requested window of notice.

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For a long time, I had a hard time justifying collecting money, especially the full fee, for what ultimately amounted to me ending up with “free” time. But as I gained experience, missed appointments added up to a significant loss of income, and I came to recognize that the potential for frustration and resentment was not healthy for the therapeutic relationship.

Knowing I needed to find an effective and fair solution, I decided upon the above policy. My rationale included several factors, the first involving the recognition that the people who choose to work with me are ultimately paying for my time. In general, individuals in therapy tend to come to weekly or, sometimes, every-other-week sessions. Their session time is carved out in my calendar and set aside just for them. If somebody cancels with some notice, I know I have an open hour. I can schedule another appointment, run out and do an errand, or peacefully return calls without watching for a potential latecomer. I have had a hard time charging people a full fee in this situation. The $50 fee for less than 24 hours’ notice, however, feels like a fair compromise. It’s like collecting a deposit to have held the session time.

On the other hand, if someone doesn’t show up at all or communicates a cancellation after the start of the session time, I’m stuck waiting to see if they are running late. At about a quarter after, I spend time trying to get in touch to follow up and reschedule. It doesn’t leave me the freedom to be truly productive with the time and minutes left until my next appointment. Thus, I’m better able to justify collecting a full fee in these instances.

I understand stuff happens—projects at work pop up, kids get sick, tires go flat. Most people respect the policy after a gentle reminder and tend not to have frequent last-minute conflicts or cancellations arise. However, I found that routinely not charging for late cancellations sets a precedent some people end up taking advantage of, and I’ve noticed a trend where the people who cancel late or no-show tend to be chronic offenders.

I understand stuff happens—projects at work pop up, kids get sick, tires go flat. Most people respect the policy after a gentle reminder and tend not to have frequent last-minute conflicts or cancellations arise. However, I found that routinely not charging for late cancellations sets a precedent some people end up taking advantage of, and I’ve noticed a trend where the people who cancel late or no-show tend to be chronic offenders.

The more I contemplated whether it is fair to charge a late-cancellation fee, the more I came to understand that implementing some penalty for late cancellations and no-shows is an important part of the broader scope of the therapeutic work. People seek therapy to improve their overall quality of life, and those who frequently cancel or fail to show up for appointments often demonstrate issues with commitment, accountability, and responsibility in other areas of their lives. I ultimately realized I am doing the people I work with a disservice if I enable them to avoid facing responsibility, and that I am failing to help them develop an understanding that the real world has consequences to various choices and actions.

Instead, I want to model healthy and clear boundaries and empower people to be responsible in their lives and assertive in their ability to communicate regarding their circumstances. Therapy is about helping people to develop a sense of awareness about themselves and how their actions impact those around them.

Therapy tends to be most helpful to people who view their appointments as an important and valuable component of their lives. And for most people, money equals value. When people are willing to make therapy a priority and accept the financial commitment involved, they tend to experience greater and quicker growth and positive change.

Discussion regarding money can be an uncomfortable topic, especially in a therapeutic relationship where connection, support, and compassion are paramount. The collection of money for services—rendered or not—sometimes feels contradictory to the nature of the work, and it is often difficult to navigate the line between the professional and truly caring ends of the relationship. But the handling of and attitude toward these finer details of business are important to the process and worth consideration for all involved. Being confident in and mindful of boundaries and policies, paired with the ability to broach uncomfortable topics, is often where true trust, authenticity, and connection develops—and these are the components that make therapy genuinely helpful.

When I was in high school, my best friend’s mom made no secret of her worries about us driving, going to parties, meeting new teens she didn’t know, and staying out late. But she felt confident in our ability to navigate the temptations of risky teenage behavior because, in her words, “You have good friends.”

She was right to assert that our solid, trusting relationships with each other were protective, certainly for our physical safety. But as a therapist, I can see now that another aspect of our bonds played a significant and lifelong role in our emotional safety as well. We encouraged one another to take some risks and scale our actions back when necessary; we showed up for one another when we were needed and supported each other when we were down.

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The life lessons of those years, and in many cases the friendships, have withstood the trials of distance, careers, children, marriages, and, yes, other friendships. Whether you have enjoyed positive friendships in your life or not, it is never too late to examine if and in what way your friendships, or your friendship, are lacking and could use attention. While it may seem glaringly obvious that we need trustworthy and reliable friends in order to thrive, here are six common types of friendships that can undermine your efforts to enjoy those friendly bonds and negatively impact your emotional well-being:

1. The Toxic Friendship

Friendships go through ups and downs, as any relationship does in life. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we feel a certain tension or friction in a friendship. That is normal, and through time and solid communication you can often work through those uncomfortable periods.

But that’s different from a friendship that consistently leaves you in a negative state. If you regularly hang out with a friend or group of friends and notice you do not feel energized either in their presence or once you leave them, that is a sign you may need to examine the friendship and your role in the dynamic.

2. The Slippery Friendship

We have all had these friends, and maybe you have even been that person sometimes. It’s natural to suggest to someone you like, “Hey, let’s get together sometime!” But the slippery friend is tough to pin down for an actual date. You may have a plan for Friday night, but on Friday afternoon they bail on you because something more interesting came up.

If you make a plan with someone and they repeatedly cancel at the last minute or make no effort to reschedule, that may be revealing about the nature and quality of the friendship.

3. The Ghost Friendship

Some friends may be good day-to-day buddies, some are terrific in a crisis, and some you don’t see often because of time or distance but know you can count on them to show up for you if and when you need them. Unfortunately, we don’t often know in which camp our friends belong until that moment arises.

It can be hurtful when you reach out to someone expecting them to respond and they are silent. It doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be a good friend, but it may mean you need to either have a talk with them or consider reevaluating to what extent you can rely on them.

4. The Self-Loathing Friendship

As inherently social beings, we can’t help but be influenced by those around us. So if you surround yourself with the company of people with positive outlooks, you may be more likely to regard yourself positively.

The same holds true of the opposite. If you are spending your time and energy with people who don’t like themselves—or, just as bad, who don’t like other people—you may tend to like yourself less. If you are frequently around someone who talks negatively about others, leaving you feeling less happy with yourself, you may be caught up in a self-loathing friendship loop.

5. The Wet-Blanket Friendship

When you are hedging on a risky move in life that could pay off but also may have a disappointing result, such as considering a career change or taking a big step for your health or finances that feels scary but exciting, sometimes our unconscious defense to protect ourselves from that risk is to reach for our nearest wet-blanket friend.

This is the person who will tell you all the things that could go wrong and why you shouldn’t bother, leaving you feeling deflated and your parade drenched in rain. You don’t need to shun your wet-blanket friend, but you should be aware that your friend is stuck, and would rather have your company in Stuckville than see you move forward without them.

6. The Placating Friendship

On the flip side of the wet-blanket friendship is the placating one. While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

As long as the feedback is kind, sensitive, and truly in your best interest, you can still come away feeling good about your decisions or the options ahead of you. If you sense that your friend would not meet you with nothing-but-the-truth sincerity, it’s good to ask yourself what role that friendship is playing in your life, and adjust how much sway that person’s feedback has on you accordingly.

Healthy friendship seems like a simple transaction, but the reality can be complicated, especially as we grow and our emotional needs change over the course of our lives. There will be times when we cannot be the best friends we could or should have been to those we care about. But it is important to keep in mind what is most important about friendships, especially if you are feeling like the “friend” area of your life is lacking. Friends should be reliable, trusting, caring, and honest.

And when you do click with a good friend, remember the wise words of William Shakespeare: “Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel.”

Good self-care is a rich package involving more than just getting enough sleep. Self-care involves taking care of yourself both within the context of your helping relationships and in your life outside your work.

The primary question is: What does it take for me to show up for the people I help in a way I feel good about? Give yourself an opportunity to look at your self-care personally and within the therapeutic relationship. Rate yourself in the following areas on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 meaning you are very good at this aspect of self-care.

Balance

1. Maintaining an appropriate workload
2. Creating diversity of expressive, recreational, and spiritual activities
3. Developing the ability to both savor and serve
4. Setting a high priority on self-care
5. Attending to your inner balance

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Rest

6. Getting enough rest and retreat time
7. Planning ahead for times of renewal
8. Allowing for goof-off time
9. Getting adequate physical exercise
10. Being kind and compassionate toward yourself

Satisfaction

11. Approaching people you help with an attitude of curiosity—savoring and being nourished by their essential qualities; feeling gratitude
12. Appreciating the value and importance of your professional offerings
13. Finding novelty in daily routine and resting in the ease of familiar skillfulness
14. Feeling a sense of inner satisfaction and pleasure in your work
15. Staying in touch with your desire and vision for service

Support

16. Using supervision and personal support
17. Keeping appropriate records, disclosure forms, and malpractice insurance
18. Knowing, accepting, and accommodating for your limitations
19. Seeking and using feedback
20. Accessing continuing education that is inspiring, informative, and stimulating

Here’s a little more background on some of the items listed in the self-assessment above:

3. Serving and Savoring

The following quote from E. B. White got me to thinking: “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” Spending some time walking from one pole to the other in my living room, I became clear that, of course, the choice is not between one or the other—saving or savoring—but finding service in savoring and savoring in service. Taken to an extreme, savoring becomes an ineffective and flat self-indulgence, and taken to the other extreme, serving becomes a desperate and burned-out saving the world. Finding ways to savor—your experiences, beauty, integrity—while you are serving will add richness, nourishment, and satisfaction to your experience of service; and finding ways to serve will add meaning and depth to your appreciation of life.

4. Self-Care as a Priority

A student puts it this way: “I just didn’t get the ethics of this until now. Self-care never even got on my priority list. It was like a luxury or a reward for overworking. Now I understand how my lack of self-care seriously disrupts my ability to be present with my clients. So my question is going to be, ‘What does it take for me to show up for my clients in a way that I feel good about?’ For me, at the most basic level, that means having gotten enough sleep, exercise, and meditation.”

10. Being Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself

Secondary traumatic stress refers to the traumatic stress that can be experienced by caregivers as they work with people in pain and suffering. Sometimes this is referred to as compassion fatigue. It is often unrecognized and under-attended. B. Hudnell Stamm writes: “Secondary traumatic stress makes [a demand] on us: to depart from believing in the illusion that we are protected from other’s pain by scientific postures and our ‘white coats.’ I would not suggest that we leave objectivity behind, but that we recognize that our personal passions drive our desires to do this work and our training and good supervision—of our clinical work, or research, or our teaching—helps us keep our balance and objectivity. Objectivity and flintiness are not a guarantee of our training. Nor should they be. The capacity for compassion and empathy seem to be at the core of our ability to do the work and at the core of our ability to be wounded by the work.”

11. Approaching People You Help with an Attitude of Curiosity

Replacing an anxious “having to know everything” with an attitude of curiosity and attention to what is happening can bring more ease and healing receptiveness for both you and the people you help. Ron Kurtz calls savoring “non-egocentric nourishment.” This is the ability to be nourished by the essential qualities of the people you work with in therapy. This is significantly different from ego pleasure of being a good therapist or making a good intervention or having a great insight. It is a kind of ordinary and transcendent nourishment. It might start with the enjoyment of curiosity and discovery. It might come through seeing the vulnerability or suffering of the other. You are searching for the universal, for the grace and beauty, for some essential good you can see in a person and finding some way you can start to let that fill you up. The people you help will feel your delight and appreciation, and not only will you feel more satisfied and less tired, but your practice will be helping people learn more self-compassion and appreciation.

16. Asking for Support

For helping professionals, asking for help is often felt as a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Think of asking for help as an art. As a colleague said, “Be efficient with your needs. Tell people what you need. Teach people how to leave you alone if they are bugging you. Teach people how to please you if they are taking advantage of you. Teaching can be kind and gentle. The point is to make your needs known in a way they can be met.” When you ask for help and the answer is “no,” ask the person, “If you can’t do this, what could you do?” or, “What part of what I am asking for could you do?” When others ask you for help, practice responding with what, however small, you CAN do, rather than pained excuses for what you can’t do.

18. Knowing Your Limitations

Most often the focus of personal development is on improving in areas of weakness. This is one part of becoming more skillful. But there is another half of skillfulness: accepting and accommodating to limitations. Limitations are important. We all have them. If you are not good at remembering details, it may be more skillful to take time to make clear notes after a session rather than trying to remember things better and getting upset when you don’t. If you know you have a hard time with time boundaries, it may be more skillful to accept this and tell the people you help that you are setting your watch for 10 minutes before the end of the session so it will beep as a reminder to both of you of the time boundary, rather than stressing about going over time.

Once you complete your own personal assessment of how you are doing with your self-care package, I recommend acknowledging the ways you are caring for yourself well. This is a good place to start. Then take a look at the places where you are not doing so well and choose one to three items to make a commitment to improving. Perhaps arrange to check in with someone in a few weeks. The people you help will be all the better for your attention to self-care. Plus, you will likely be happier.

Reference:

Hudnall Stamm, B. (1995). Secondary Traumatic Stress: Self-Care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers and Educators, Preface, p. 1. Brooklandville, MD: Sidran Press.

The information age has rapidly changed how we conduct ourselves in business, education, and in general human interaction.

Advances such as email, instant messaging, and social media were all created to make communication easier and more convenient. Families and friends across great distances can now more easily communicate face-to-face anytime they want. Dating sites successfully match thousands of soon-to-be spouses each year, and parents can more easily keep in touch with their children throughout the day.

However, as society adapts to these fresh avenues of contact, there are also ways new technology threatens to strip away important aspects of how people relate and connect on a personal level. This can be especially true in our most intimate relationships.

Here are three areas in which technology may negatively impact relationships:

1. Intimacy

Intimate relationships often have their own challenges, and changing technologies can contribute even more to the stress of modern relationships. Sometimes, the ways people use technology can create problems between romantic partners, potentially stirring conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

A 2014 Pew Research Center poll indicated that one in four cell phone owners in a relationship or marriage found their partner too distracted by their cell phone. Nearly 1 in 10 had argued with a partner about excessive time spent on the devices. The poll noted that many arguments between couples may have something to do with tech use, such as deciding when to use devices and when to abstain. They also found that younger users were more likely to report both increased tension and enhanced closeness in their relationships as a result of technology.

[fat_widget_right]Technology is also changing some of the most intimate ways in which couples connect. Sexting—sending someone text messages containing explicit sexual content—has increased among adults since 2012, with one in five cell users having received a sext from someone they know—a one-third increase in four years.

2. Distraction

Technology can be an effective distraction in the current moment, over a long period of time, and even in its absence. According to a 2015 poll of 453 adults across the United States, nearly half of all respondents reported being distracted by their phones in the presence of a romantic partner.

Those moments spent focused on technology can quickly add up to a sizable portion of a person’s waking hours. The same allotment of time that just a few years ago might have been considered an online addiction is now commonplace in smartphone use, especially among younger users. It represents a shift in how people spend their time and where they focus their energy.

Technology can also be a distraction when it is not in use. When briefly disconnected from their smartphones in a 2014 study, self-described heavy users indicated having higher anxiety levels than moderate users after just 10 minutes.

3. Depression

Heavy use of social media has also been shown to negatively affect mental health. A recent study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine examined depression rates in younger adults, finding significantly increased odds of depression among those spending the most time engaged in social media.

Looking specifically at only personal social media activity, they concluded that heavy use was significantly associated with increased depression and highlighted the importance of identifying interventions for heavy social media users before they experience any mental health issues.

The report also notes that multiple studies have linked social media use with declines in mood, sense of well-being, and life satisfaction. These declines could be related to FOMO, or the fear of missing out, which studies have shown is often exacerbated by social media use.

Syncing Up by Powering Down

According to Ohio counselor Jessica Wade, MAMFT, LPCC, the emotional connections forged by couples through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expression are essential to the relationship and impossible to replicate with technology.

“Overreliance on technology might cause misunderstandings, and partners lose the opportunity to make those immediate relationship repair attempts that happen in the moment during in-person communication,” Wade said.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another.Experts recommend finding alternatives for curtailing technology’s potential downsides. To break the cycle, the first step may be to temper, or significantly reduce, how much time is spent focused on devices, apps, and messaging services.

Finding time to consistently detach may require penciling it in on a daily schedule. Allotting non-use times (such as during dinner or date night) can help reground partners in their relationship or individuals to their surroundings.

Many individuals, couples, and families have sought therapy when technology overtakes other priorities. Experts also advise improving communication skills whenever possible—something technology can actively disrupt. In a time when emails and text messages have replaced other methods of communicating, the manner and skill with which people express themselves can become less robust and more mechanical.

Studies have also found significant value in spending as much time in nature as possible. One study by Dutch researchers found lower levels of anxiety and depression among people living within 0.6 miles of a park or wooded space.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another. Identifying ways to use these new inventions successfully—without cheating yourself out of genuine human connection in the process—may ultimately require more low-tech solutions.

References:

1. Cheever, N. A., Rosen, L. D., Carrier, L. M., & Chavez, A. (2014). Out of sight is not out of mind: The impact of restricting wireless mobile device use on anxiety levels among low, moderate and high users. Computers in Human Behavior, 37, 290-297. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2014.05.002
2. Gardner, A. (2009, October 15). Being near nature improves physical, mental health. Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-10-15-nature-anxiety-exercise_N.htm
3. Lenhart, A., & Duggan, M. (2014). Couples, the internet, and social media. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/
4. Lin, L. Y., Sidani, J. E., Shensa, A., Radovic, A., Miller, E., Colditz, J. B., . . . Primack, B. A. (2016, January 19). Association between social media use and depression in U.S. young adults. Depression and Anxiety, 33(4), 323-331. doi:10.1002/da.22466
5. Penn, C. (2015, October 5). Stop “pphubbing”: New research shows what happens when you focus more on your phone than your lover. Retrieved from http://www.essence.com/2015/10/05/stop-pphubbing-new-research-cell-phones-relationship

Don’t let my youthful face fool you—I’m a few years older than Taylor Swift. (No, I’m not telling you how many years older. How rude of you to ask! We just met.) Nonetheless, the iconic pop star has several lessons those from every generation—millennials to boomers—could stand to learn, even if you are not a Swiftie or are repelled by the idea of becoming one. (I must confess, though, life on the Swiftie side really is delightful!)

Life Lesson No. 1

“Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you, especially when they don’t know you.”

I’m taking this quote directly from Taylor when she performed at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Well said, Taylor.

How many times have you worried about other people’s opinions of you? How has that worry held you back? What might you have achieved or accomplished if you had been able to let go of that worry? Could you have felt better about yourself?

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One thing I’ve learned in life is that, the majority of the time, people are focused on themselves—so much so they probably have no clue what you’re doing. And if they did, they would likely be more concerned about what you thought about what they thought of you! (Are you still with me?)

Life Lesson No. 2

Your 20s are both “miserable and magical” and a time to feel “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

As a psychologist, I provide therapy to adults of all ages, from every decade of life from the 20s to the 80s. Each decade has common challenges. Yet, for those in their 20s, it can be a landmine of obstacles. For many, the 20s are a time when nearly everything in life is up in the air, sometimes all at once.

Young adults often question what they should do for a living, who they should date (perhaps exploring or questioning their sexuality), where they should live, even who they feel they truly are. These concerns don’t magically or mysteriously resolve the day you turn 30. However, as people move through their 20s, they often find some grounding in these various areas that can be built upon in future decades. In the interim, the vast selection and possibilities can feel liberating, scary, or even isolating. Any unpleasant feelings can be exacerbated by people aged 30 and over who act dismissive, telling those in their 20s they have no problems because they are young. Maybe they had so much fun in their 20s they can’t remember the associated and occasional angst. For their sake, I hope that’s the case.

Life Lesson No. 3

When you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

It’s hard for me to imagine that concert-goers under age 10 could understand the lyrics, “When I was drowning/that’s when I could finally breathe.” For me, I associate this song (“Clean”) and its lyrics with the occasional importance of hitting bottom, or at least getting close. It is often only when you hit bottom that you realize you can float, or essentially discover how resilient you really are.

As humans, we typically do all we can to avoid emotional pain. But people die, get divorced, get fired from jobs, and go through countless other forms of adversity. And the only option is to keep going forward, even if you take some time to grieve and retreat, because you must come out the other side. When you do, you will realize you are stronger than you think.

Life Lesson No. 4

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake.

When you run into these characters, try to do like Taylor and “shake it off.” This is related to life lesson No. 1—not letting others define you. Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t let others throw you off your game.

I often advise people in therapy to keep their eyes on their own lane. Just as when driving, if you focus on someone else’s life or drama, you may get hurt in a crash or start driving to someone else’s destination.

Life Lesson No. 5

Always take the high road, even when others don’t (ahem, Kanye).

This life lesson can be learned anytime Taylor must interact with Kanye West or his crew. Few of us will ever forget the infamous 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye rudely interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video. And we won’t soon forget the recent lyrics Kanye wrote about Taylor, the video he made, and the subsequent reactions on social media.

It doesn’t seem to matter who throws shade her way; her responses, whether in an acceptance speech or in a tweet, always seem to reflect maturity and integrity. I don’t know how she maintains such composure, but it’s impressive. I know what I wanted to say to Kanye, but Taylor never went there. She rose above.

Life Lesson No. 6

Make art out of your pain.

Some of Taylor’s best work emerged from times of what seemed like significant pain. Figure out how you can work with your pain and sadness to create something amazing or healing. Such an approach could transform your life.

In my practice, I call this a “tragic gift.” This relates to life lesson No. 3—when you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

I could write about several more life lessons I’ve learned from Taylor Swift, including investing in and supporting your friends, standing up for what you feel is right, being able to laugh at yourself, and giving back to your community. But you get the idea. Despite Taylor’s relatively young age, there is much we can learn from her. One of my favorite lessons is you can be a woman and be powerful, beautiful, and intelligent. Thank you, Taylor!

“I have nothing to talk about.”

Maybe two or three months after beginning therapy—maybe later, sometimes sooner—a person might say this to me and perhaps look a little surprised or confused.

“There’s nothing coming up for me.”

Often the person is weirded out. Concerned, even. The person will tell me how they usually have one, two, seven, eight things they really want to talk about and just don’t know what to make of not having something ready to go.

Coming to Therapy After a ‘Good Week’

Sometimes a person may need some prompting, but often within the first couple of weeks of therapy, with gentle encouragement, people tell what they think is their story. They talk about whatever has been causing them distress: communication problems, feelings of isolation, anger-control issues, deep sadness, etc.

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Therapists are trained to help people talk about and process these things. And often, once people start, they keep right on going! We all hold a lot of stuff in, and sometimes we don’t even realize what’s in that backlog until we finally open up.

So the door opens, the person speaks and … here’s something interesting: things may seem a little worse at first. When you’ve been very intentionally not looking at distressing stuff for a long time, it’s bound to bring up some difficult feelings once you start exploring.

But eventually, with some work, compassion, and patience, there’s generally some relief.

Things don’t seem as pressing.

And after a while, the person isn’t itching to get to their therapy session so they can unpack, say, that incident at work or the uncomfortable time with the in-laws.

They had an okay week. Maybe even a good one. Maybe not great, but … they have “nothing to talk about.”

Peeling Back the Layers of Therapy

It used to be that therapy was viewed as an archaeological dig into the psyche and the therapist held the shovel. The therapist’s job was to dig until they uncovered what was buried underneath. But rarely is it so simple, and rarely does healing come from insight alone. Often we can discover a possible explanation to an issue, but that doesn’t mean the issue is resolved.

Therapy is done in layers, but unlike an onion, we don’t simply peel off and discard layers once we look at them.

Therapy is done in layers, but unlike an onion, we don’t simply peel off and discard layers once we look at them. We take a layer, examine it, put it back, take another layer, leave it for later, skip a layer to see something else, then go back to the second layer and reexamine it with what we know now. Maybe along the way you fall back into an old habit (remember, the layers don’t disappear) and we spend some time just holding all the layers without processing or questioning them.

Entering therapy with much to talk about—that’s the top layer, or maybe even the second or third. Sometimes that top layer—what we sometimes refer to in therapy circles as the “presenting problem”—has been getting all the attention for so long because it’s the loudest or most painful. When that’s peeled back for a moment, when it has received some attention, we need to take some time to see what else may be exposed. These may be quieter parts of you but are no less important or meaningful.

Letting the Little Thoughts Be Heard

Have you ever met a couple where one partner is a chatterbox and the other seems mute? Until, that is, you get some time alone with the quiet one who, it turns out, actually has some stuff to say, but it gets overshadowed by their partner.

We all have stuff like this inside us. If the “fires” we seek therapy for are turned down a bit, even if just for the moment, then what seems insubstantial can be given more attention. It might not be so insubstantial after all. We just need to allow for the space, maybe even the silence, to give it permission to be heard.

Once you get over your surprise at not having anything “pressing” to say in therapy, don’t be afraid to say whatever you’re thinking or feeling, no matter how inconsequential it may seem. What might seem like little thoughts or feelings can lead to big breakthroughs, too.

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.

Many times when I am working with people in therapy who are developmentally stuck, they end up sharing that, as children, they were the person their parent turned to as a confidant or for emotional support. Children put in this position may feel special or privileged because the parent is sharing adult information with them and/or is looking to them for support, creating a sense of closeness. However, given that the child’s needs are ignored in favor of the parent’s, there can be devastating long-term developmental consequences.

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Clearly, it is desirable for parents and their children to be close. However, in healthy parent-child relationships, parents prioritize their children’s emotional needs as opposed to children taking care of the parent’s emotional needs. When children are put in the position of meeting the emotional needs of a parent, it creates an unhealthy dynamic in which children essentially become the parents. The children are emotionally abandoned, in effect robbing them of their childhood.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

The Impact of Emotional Incest

Children who have experienced emotional incest may have great difficulty setting boundaries and getting their needs met as adults without feelings of excessive guilt. In addition, their relationship with their gender and sexuality can greatly inhibit their ability to maintain intimacy in adult partnerships.

Emotional incest can create an unhealthy sense of loyalty or obligation to a parent, which can result in a love/hate relationship between children and parents. Additionally, substance abuse, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and compulsivity around work, sex, and food are all potential outcomes.

Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”

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Healing from Emotional Incest

For those who experienced emotional incest as a child, there are several ways to promote healing. They include the following:

• Therapy or counseling: Find a counselor who specializes in childhood abuse, enmeshment, or codependency, and who focuses on the needs of survivors.
• Self-help meetings: Prior to participating in self-help meetings, it is important through the process of individual counseling to gain an understanding of what you are facing as a survivor of emotional incest. Once that happens, self-help meetings can be a valuable adjunct in the recovery process and in sustaining recovery. Self-help meetings that follow the 12-step model can be especially helpful.
• Journaling: Writing about distressing issues and experiences can be especially cathartic while confronting the dynamics of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, which often exist as a result of defense mechanisms created for emotional survival when emotional incest has occurred.
• Psychoeducation: There is a wealth of information and resources available that help educate and increase understanding about emotional incest. Knowledge is power. Gaining an understanding of what has happened and the impact it has on your life and relationships can be healing. One valuable resource for understanding and healing from emotional incest is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners and When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Dr. Kenneth M. Adams.

References:

1. Adams, K. M. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: HCI Books.
2. Adams, K. M. (2007). When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York, NY: Touchstone Books.

Editor’s Note: This article contains description of childhood abuse, which may be triggering for some readers.

“I have an image in my mind I can’t seem to get rid of,” I tell Dr. Erickson. “A snapshot of a memory that’s always there, and I can’t stop looking at it.”

His office is dimly lit. On the wall facing me are two pictures of shamans, medicine men who heal spiritually. I had thought a psychiatrist might decorate with pictures from the masters—Van Gogh, Monet, or maybe a classical artist like Michelangelo. Below the shamans, on an end table, is a Kokopelli statue set in a dish of smooth stones. Next to that are two huge bookcases filled with copies of publications from the American Psychiatric Association. At least he seems well-read.

“Are you sure it’s a memory?” He sits near the opposite wall, filing my evaluation form into a folder. Today he’s wearing a shirt and tie. If it weren’t for his long hair and ponytail he would seem every bit a doctor.

“Yes. It’s something the attorneys brought up during the deposition. Something I haven’t thought about in a long time.”

He stares at me and says nothing. I realize he isn’t going to prod. It seems a strange way to communicate, not asking questions.

[fat_widget_right]“When I was nine I told kids at school that I’d seen my father’s penis,” I tell him, “that I’d touched it. Only I didn’t know to call it that. They stared at me in shock. That’s when I realized there was something wrong with what I was doing. You only know what you’re told when you’re a child. I didn’t know that other kids weren’t touching their fathers that way.” I pause. “They stopped playing with me after that.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “That’s the image in your mind?”

“Yes, swinging on the playground, laughing. I remember the looks on their faces when I admitted what I was doing. It was all so … innocent.”

“How does that make you feel?”

How does it make me feel? The memory is so old, almost thirty years have gone by, but it still seems like yesterday. It’s the kind of memory I store in one of those chests at the bottom of my mind, but now I can’t seem to put it back.

“Ashamed, sad, like I’ve done something wrong.”

“Do you feel that in your body?”

Another strange question. The memory is in my head. My emotions are in my head, glued to that image of swinging happily, chattering with my friends and having no idea of the impact of my words. My emotions are not imprinted in my body. But I think about the question anyway because I have so much anxiety these days, a tightness in my stomach that feels like a descending roller coaster. Even my nightly dose of Seroquel isn’t alleviating it.

“In my stomach,” I say.

“Images come forward in your mind to help you get what you want. Your subconscious wants to heal. This is its way of communicating that to you.”

“There’s something for me to learn from this memory?”

[EMDR] is very effective for trauma and posttraumatic stress. Once you process the memory, the picture goes away, along with the emotions associated with it.

He nods. “There’s something called EMDR—eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It’s a therapy like hypnosis that can help speed the processing of memories. It’s very effective for trauma and posttraumatic stress. Once you process the memory, the picture goes away, along with the emotions associated with it.”

I’d like to get rid of the snapshot memory, and the sadness and shame it brings with it. It was different before; it was a private memory I could easily tuck away. I could convince myself it was a single incident barely worth my energy to consider. But I had admitted it during the deposition; I had exposed my shame to a team of attorneys who simply stared at me, stoic and apathetic. I had mirrored their apathy, determined not to allow them to see my pain. I can still see their unimpressed expressions.

“How do I do that?” I ask Dr. Erickson.

“I move my hand in front of you and you follow it with your eyes as you think about the memory. Emotions will come to the surface. As you process the emotions, they will be released. The memory will lose its emotional charge.”

“Will the image go away then?”

“It should.”

Is that what the memory wants—to be felt? Have I tucked away so much of my life that it stubbornly refuses to be hidden any longer? Or is this just a byproduct of the deposition, the aftermath of stress?

What I know is that the memory bothers me. I don’t like looking at those faces of my schoolmates staring in shock, and the memory of realizing I did something wrong. I don’t like being made to feel bad when the onus should be on someone else. Maybe that’s been the problem; the guilt belongs to someone else and not me.

“Okay,” I say.

“Okay what?”

“Okay, I want to try that. I want the image to go away.”

He moves our chairs closer together, so his left arm will be next to my left arm. We’re sitting side by side, but facing in opposite directions. He lets me sit close to the door so I don’t feel boxed in. “An escape route,” he says. Then he stands back from the chairs like an artist appreciating his work.

I know his deliberate manner is meant to make me feel more comfortable, but his ceremonial style has the opposite effect. I hesitate and glance at the door. Am I going to need an escape route? Do his patients routinely flee the room and he’s learned to anticipate it? Or is this merely a psychological strategy?

I take my seat, knowing that I would rather feel part of the scene than an observer.

Nothing will happen with me standing in place, and if it’s all been set up by design then I’m failing and the image will remain. Unwilling to leave and uncertain of how to move forward, I take my seat, knowing that I would rather feel part of the scene than an observer.

He gives me a moment before taking the seat next to mine. We’re too close for my comfort. I have pretty strict boundaries; I’ve never been able to allow people to get very close to me physically. It always feels like they’re suffocating me with their proximity, as if they’ve wrapped their arms around me in a crushing embrace.

I can see the ring he wears and the tiny hairs on his arms, and it makes my body tense. He’s sitting only a few inches from me; I can feel his gaze studying me, and I become self-conscious and begin to fidget in the chair.

“Think about the image,” he instructs. “Think about being on the playground with your friends. Hear their laughter. Think about how you feel as you talk to them. You feel ashamed, sad.”

I hate this already. What kind of therapy begins like this?

He moves his left hand horizontally in front of me. I follow it with my eyes, but I don’t see his hand.

The playground is noisy. I’m swinging with my friends. It’s a Catholic school, and we’re all in uniforms: replicas of one another.

“I’ve never seen a boy’s wiener before,” Kathy says. Her voice is filled with laughter.

“I’ve seen my father’s,” I say. “It looks like a bratwurst.”

“You have not!”

“Yes. I touched it.”

“That’s right,” Dr. Erickson says in a soothing voice. He’s reading the emotions that play across my face. “Stay with it. Let the emotions build and then let them go.”

I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. It’s all old news, pain long past. It doesn’t belong with me. I’m an adult now, a grown woman who’s made her own way in the world and crafted her own successes. I’m a million years from that little girl on the playground, but the pain is so fresh.

The transformation is rapid. The expressions on the girls’ faces morph from playful amusement to confusion, settling on prudence. They’re judging me. They know something I don’t know. For the first time in my memory, I feel like an outsider, a pariah.

Dr. Erickson stops EMDR. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look at him. I stare, without seeing, at the carpet.

“I have a question,” he says gently. “Whose shame is it?” He moves his hand in front of me, and the image switches.

I’m touching one of my sisters, kissing her on the neck. On Wednesday nights we played a game my father made up, where we had to select small pieces of paper from a hat. On each piece of paper was written something we were supposed to do: kiss a butt, lick a breast, touch a crotch. Each of us would then choose one of our siblings and go into a room with them.

“Where are you?” Dr. Erickson asks. He’s stopped his hand movement and is studying me.

“With one of my sisters.”

“On the playground?”

“No.” Pause. “Every Wednesday my mother would go away and my father would have us sit in a circle, naked. He made up this game.” When I finished explaining the bizarre game, I said, “I’m with one of my sisters in a room … kissing her.”

“Go with that,” he instructs, and begins EMDR again.

It’s all giggles and little-girl fun. It doesn’t feel sexual, just playful. We’re both naked because that’s the way our father wanted it.

I don’t like touch. It’s a mantra I say to myself and it has defined my life. I don’t have relationships and I don’t let people near. But some part of my brain is wondering why I’m not afraid with my sister, why I don’t feel apprehension. I say as much to Dr. Erickson.

“You’re judging her as an adult with rights and wrongs. She’s feeling the comfort of her sister.”

“I liked when we were touching.” It’s the only time I can recall liking touch, when caressing was comforting and nurturing. What happened to that feeling? Darkness falls on me as tears well in my eyes. An enormous sadness overwhelms me.

“I like touching my sister, but I don’t like touching other people. Men. What kind of a person does that make me?”

“Human.”

What I hear is “different.”

The memories fade, but they don’t disappear.

I like the softness of my sister’s skin and the sense of freedom, and I like the closeness as if nothing were going to separate us. Sitting in a psychiatrist’s office, trying to come to terms with my life, liking to touch my sister seems wrong.

I’ve never had a sexual relationship with anyone, male or female. I stopped dating a decade ago; I long since gave up trying to let someone get close. And yet there I was at the tender age of nine, exploring my sister’s body. Was that what was wrong with me?

“I want you to think about the healing white light,” Dr. Erickson says softly. “It’s coming from high above and surrounding you. A brilliant white light taking away all the pain.”

The light bathes me with a warm glow. It calms my breathing, eases my tension and, like a drug, dulls the pain the memory created.

“Let those images go. You don’t need them anymore.”

The memories fade, but they don’t disappear. I like the light surrounding me. It takes me far away from my feelings of guilt and shame.

Laureen Peltier is the author of Hungry For Touch: A Journey from Fear to Desire. She focuses on educating others on the possibility of making a full recovery from PTSD, as well as the benefits of healing past trauma. A passionate speaker for RAINN and other organizations, Laureen is sought-after for medical and nursing schools, and has participated in several online and DVD documentaries focusing on PTSD recovery.

After weeks of planning and preparation, you are finally off to enjoy the beach, mountain, cruise, city, or countryside. Or perhaps you’re a spontaneous traveler who found a deal that was too good to pass up, and you’re off on your trip before you know it. Some people are great at keeping travel costs low, but for many of us, no matter how well we intend to budget, travel costs have a way of going up and up. Regardless of how much time and money are spent, vacations are supposed to be fun, right? Then why do so many couples spend so much time fighting in paradise?

On my vacations, I have noticed a surprising number of couples arguing. On one trip, a couple went back and forth for over an hour because one partner did not want to snorkel. The woman remained uncompelled to goggle up no matter how many times her boyfriend told her she was going to miss out on an amazing experience. On another trip, at the airport, apparently a woman was boarding the plane too slowly and was nudged in the back by her partner. This was met with a loud, “Don’t shove me!” On a couples’ cabin trip, I woke to find one member of a bickering couple had elected to sleep on the couch instead of sharing a bed with their partner.

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When I see vacationing couples fighting, I always think, “You have spent way too much money to come on vacation to be unhappy,” quickly forgetting that my partner and I have had our own disagreements while on vacation. But seeing other couples fight and argue serves as a reminder to keep things amicable and enjoyable during my travels. After all, who wants to be miserable while on vacation?

Here are five tips for a conflict-free couples trip:

1. Anticipate stress. One way to reduce stress is to recognize that parts of your travel will be stressful. The more you can prepare for stress, the less likely stress will be impactful. Packing, airports, lost items, reservation mishaps, and getting lost are all par for the course when it comes to traveling. Displaced anger and frustration can lead to unnecessary arguments. For example, your baggage doesn’t make it onto the plane, and when your partner asks where you would like to have dinner, you retort, “Nowhere, I have nothing to wear!” Your frustration lies with the airline, but your partner is the target of your aggression. Understanding that mishaps will arise, most of which your partner can take no responsibility for, can help keep you calm when faced with stressful events.
2. Hold back on “the talk.” If your plan is to enjoy your vacation, your trip is not the best time to bring up a serious issue or discuss an ongoing problem. While on vacation, you may feel like you have a captive audience in which your partner cannot escape a long-overdue conversation, but resist the urge to start peeling back onion layers. Those burning questions you have will be there when you get home, and an enjoyable and bonding trip just might make that issue seem like less of a big deal.
3. Work out issues before the trip. If you know you are not going to be able to enjoy your trip until an issue is worked out, set aside time to work on the problem before your trip. To help with developing a resolution that will make your trip enjoyable, you can preface the conversation by sharing your desired goal. For example, “When we go on vacation next week, I want to really enjoy my time with you. That’s why I want to talk about (the issue) now, so it won’t get in the way of us having a good time.” Chances are your partner also wants to have a good time and doesn’t want to waste time going over something that could have been addressed before you changed time zones. Setting up the conversation this way could help foster motivation in coming up with a solution before the trip.
4. Take time out for yourself. No matter how much you love someone and how well you get along with them, being with someone 24 hours a day is bound to lead to some friction. There is no travel rule saying couples cannot have alone time while on vacation. This doesn’t mean going on separate trips or spending the day apart. Partners can carve out alone time by engaging in solitary activities while together (reading at the beach, listening to music while at the slot machine) or designating time out for themselves (taking a morning run, enjoying a spa service). A little time alone can help ward off travel annoyances.
5. Accept your partner for who they are and how they travel. During my last trip with my husband, I shared that either I was going to have to change my entire personality or he was going to have to accept my vigilance and thoroughness. He chose to accept my personality, which means accepting that I will ask, “Did you lock the door?” and “Do you have the keys?” This is a two-way street in that I have to accept that when my husband is on vacation, he is on vacation. I have to accept that time means little to him and there is a high likelihood multiple trips will be made to the hotel room to retrieve forgotten passports, wallets, and sunglasses. Instead of seeing differences in personalities as travel problems, appreciate what your partner’s personality has to offer. To my husband I bring organization, while he reminds me to relax.

The point of vacation is to get time away from the everyday and replenish. What better way to do this than with your partner? Agree on an argument-free trip so the two of you can focus on having an experience that strengthens your love and appreciation for one another.

Most articles you read about helping children and teens with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) complete homework are likely to focus on having a structured plan. A structured plan—do homework in the same location, take breaks at specific times, etc.—can indeed be helpful, but often parents underestimate the importance of the actual environment in which the homework is done.

Here are five suggestions to help develop the ideal work environment for your child or teen:

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1. Make sure the work area is physically comfortable. This means having your child or teen sit in a comfortable chair. Ideally, they should be sitting at a desk or using a lap desk (as opposed to sitting on the floor or bed), but see what works best for them. Using a chair that reclines slightly or is padded may make it easier to sit and focus for longer periods.
2. If your child or teen fidgets, harness the fidgeting. If they fidget with their legs, for example, provide your child or teen with something to keep their legs occupied. Try a bicycle or elliptical base that fits under a desk; exercise bands attached to the chair; tennis balls cut open and glued to the floor; or large, squishy shoe innersoles attached to the floor. For individuals who fidget with their hands, try something such as attaching a stress ball to a stretchy string that’s connected to the desk. Alternatively, attach something with different textures to the desk so your child or teen can rub their hand against something while working.
3. Minimize shifting of attention. This can be achieved by decreasing the frequency with which your child or teen needs to switch between their book and the computer, documents on the computer, getting up to get materials, and so forth. To decrease shifting between materials, many individuals (adults included) do well with using a laptop and attaching an external monitor (or LCD television) to it. With two screens, they can keep documents they are referring to on one screen and write on the other. Using a laptop and a tablet for this purpose can also work well, especially if the tablet has a stand. To help with textbooks, using a kitchen book holder that props up the book and keeps it open to set pages can be useful. To avoid children and teens having to get up frequently, keep a few pens, pencils, highlighters, and basic school supplies within arm’s reach.
4. Reduce visual and auditory distractions. Keep the walls within view fairly plain if possible, and if looking out a window is distracting, face the workspace away from the window. Auditory distractions can be minimized by being quiet around your child or teen, using a white noise machine, or using an app (with or without headphones). Some children and teens like noise while working. If they feel they need to listen to something while working, white noise or music without words might be best. While ideally music should be soft, if your child or teen insists on listening to popular music while working, have them listen to karaoke versions.
5. Have different work stations for different types of tasks. Some teens may find it helpful to sit in a special chair just for reading, to use a desk for writing papers, and to use a reclining chair for proofreading. Sometimes a change in position or room between tasks can lead to increased focus and reduce fatigue. (For others, of course, it can lead to getting off task more easily.)

There are many things you can do to help your child or teen get their homework done. While a structured plan is key, so too is the setup of the actual workspace. Try the tips above to get the most out of your child’s study time.

It took a long time before I finally decided to see a psychotherapist—and for reasons that are probably very common:

• I wasn’t sure I had “issues” that warranted help. With nothing to measure against, how was I to know if my angst wasn’t exactly what everyone else felt?
• I grew up hearing family members say people should be strong enough to handle problems on their own. Seeing a therapist or asking for help was a sign of weakness.
• I had no idea what psychotherapy actually entailed. My biggest frame of reference was the film Ordinary People. I loved the therapy sessions depicted in the film, but surely the problems of the boy were far greater than my own.

It took a long time before I was able to acknowledge that my childhood had an effect upon my adult life. Again, with nothing to measure against, how was I to know? I took for granted that my self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety, irritability, and desire to be on my own were simply who I was. I didn’t even realize I kept people at a distance and shared nothing of myself because I had been that way all my life. It was simply my personality. I was an introvert. So what?

But thankfully, I began to piece together that negative patterns in my life were emerging and repeating. I recognized the depression I felt had begun in high school, continued and got stronger in college, and then became a recurrent theme in adulthood. After several failed relationships, the depression continued and grew intolerable. I had no idea my own self-imposed barriers against people were actually making things worse.

[fat_widget_right]At 34, I knew something was wrong because I was drinking more, not less. I could see I had always pursued relationships that were destined to fail from the outset, and if they weren’t, I would sabotage them so they did. Through either cheating or losing interest in sex, we would simply drift apart and become friends. For me, the concept of intimacy was repellent.

I give myself credit for recognizing I was stuck, unhappy, and highly unlikely to improve on my own. I was concerned about costs, so I searched and managed to find a therapy organization with a sliding scale fee. I forced myself to the initial consultation meeting, and was caught off-guard when the therapist fairly quickly asked me about my childhood. What would that have to do with anything? I managed to tell her it wasn’t happy. I had snippets of foggy, bad memories.

Over the next two months, I dared to open up to her. I told her about my mother, who had beaten me over the course of six years. It wasn’t my mother’s fault, I explained, because she’d experienced much worse: her father had committed suicide. After a particularly difficult session, I broke down for the first time. I told the therapist about a horrible beating and the announcement from my mother that she hated me.

But I was very fearful, and that would be my last session. I returned the next week and told the therapist I couldn’t afford to come anymore. My finances were too tight. She said I was always welcome to come back, and she was proud of the progress I had made.

While my first attempt at therapy ended prematurely because I was still unable to face painful, buried memories, it proved to me that something mattered about my childhood. I’d hidden it away for a reason. There was something inside me, because I’d never cried like that before.

It took about another 10 years before I dared to try therapy again. By then I’d become a poster child for dysfunction: anonymous hook-ups, juggling sex with multiple partners, heavy binge drinking on weekends, and depression. Thankfully—again—I recognized my patterns were not going to stop without outside help. I had proven myself powerless to make changes on my own.

Searching the internet, I found GoodTherapy.org. I liked I could explore psychological topics, and could find a large, supportive community.

Searching the internet, I found GoodTherapy.org. I liked I could explore psychological topics, and could find a large, supportive community. I located a doctor near my home with a specialty in childhood trauma. Though I had no idea what trauma meant, I thought back to my first experimentation with therapy, and surmised a childhood focus would probably be what I needed.

I was very nervous on the first meeting, but the therapist put me at ease. I felt an immediate rapport with him. When prompted, I told him about the “childhood” part. I showed him a scar just below my right eyebrow. My mother had thrown me and I’d caught my face on the corner of a wooden bookshelf. I wanted to be worthy of his time and was afraid he might find my case frivolous and refuse to see me. At the end of the session, I asked him if he thought we would be a good fit, and he said, “Very much so.”

About two years later I began a book, Grandson of a Ghost, as a therapeutic exercise. I still had difficulty comprehending that my childhood impacted my life, and the book helped me see—literally, in black and white—the ramifications. Here is an excerpt, taken from the moment when I was able to articulate how the abuse poisoned my sense of self:

For Scott, it was now clear that with no one to talk to, and with no frame of reference—in isolation—he grew up fearful of people and had a low self-image. The low self-esteem as a child made the world a scary place. It was terrifying before and after a beating. He was helpless and lacked any shred of control. Everything was potentially dangerous and threatening, laced with a fear of getting in trouble. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of others discovering he was actually something awful. The secret had to be hidden so that no one would find out. It would interfere with learning, because of the amount of mental energy required to keep the secret. He daydreamed constantly, lost in a fog. It made sense. He was ashamed, because he misbehaved and always made his mother cry. He didn’t deserve love, because he was the horrible dark seed somehow planted within the family and disrupting it.

Generational abuse—abuse passed down from parents to children—is a widespread problem, and it impacted my family after the suicide of my grandfather. It’s a difficult topic, and I hope my book can help people.

Three and a half years later, I am still with my therapist. My life has been transformed. The fog has lifted. I’ve learned not to overreact to threats, both real and imagined. I’ve learned to question and quickly parse an alarm. I’ve learned my abuse did have lasting repercussions. I’ve also learned that love means something. It matters. And before working with my therapist, I was closed to it. Now I see connection to others as the key that sets me free.

Scott Depalma is the author of the forthcoming book, Grandson of a Ghost. He grew up in Vermont and fled to New York City when he turned 21, unsure of anything except the need to run and disappear. Scott hopes his story helps others recognize that abuse has a lasting impact, but also that a new perspective (a rebirth) filled with joy and connection is possible at any age.

A growing body of research over the past decade has expanded the understanding of optimism and its potential long-reaching benefits. Finding greater personal happiness and even longer life expectancy has been shown more likely among optimistic-leaning individuals. Psychologically, optimism is also associated with stronger mental health and improved coping abilities in times of emotional difficulty.

Optimism is the disposition or tendency to look more favorably on events, conditions, oneself, or the future. Not everyone is naturally optimistic, and some self-described pessimists may even mock an optimistic outlook, but optimism is often a way of thinking coveted by many.

For those less inclined to be optimistic, is there a path to finding a sunnier perspective?

From Pessimism to Optimism: Adjusting Your Outlook

A study led by researchers from the University of British Columbia found a genetic marker may play a significant role in determining whether someone sees a glass as half empty or half full. A gene variant was shown to cause a more vivid retention of mostly negative responses following an emotional event, suggesting many people may intuitively steer toward pessimism.

However, according to two prominent psychologists who have each taken a career interest in the concept of optimism, the practice can be learned, but—like many skills—may need to be maintained through exercise.

Suzanne Segerstrom is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. Her years of research reflect an interest in how self-regulation can potentially improve mental and physical health. Through behavioral adjustments, she believes even longtime pessimists can slowly rewire how they approach life and its many challenges.

Likewise, psychologist and self-help author Martin Seligman has long been intrigued with how perspective can have a significant impact on everyday life. He has devoted decades of energy and research to understanding how personality, outlook, and disposition play a pivotal role in shaping individual happiness. According to his research, finding a more positive outlook can effectively reduce depression symptoms while also boosting the immune system.

So how do the experts advise people to locate their optimism? Here are some steps to becoming more optimistic.

1. Practice Your Optimism

[fat_widget_right]Research shows practicing a more positive attitude can help people learn to be optimistic. Through persistence and motivation, people may be able to shape their outlook and lives in a more positive direction. Optimistic people generally handle problems more directly and are less likely to give up looking for a viable solution. By trying to adopt those traits—along with the presumption that everything will work out in the end—we can affect how we feel, how we respond, and how quickly we recover from setbacks.

2. Focus on Positive Inner Dialogue

Rewriting your own internal script can be a real game changer. By learning to reflect on things more positively, we develop new patterns for responding to challenges. Simple reinforcements about keeping things in perspective and putting a more positive spin on the interpretation of your own behavior can help reframe the view.

Sport psychologists routinely use both inner dialogue and self-talk techniques to keep athletes in the best possible mindset for competition. The actual thoughts or language used are often general in nature, aimed at maintaining a more positive, confident, and serene attitude. They can also be more specific and goal-oriented, directed at overcoming certain challenges or replacing existing negative thought patterns.

Diann Wingert, LCSW, BCD, suggests using affirmations as a way to unlearn the negative and reroute your mind.

“The brain does not resist new messages from our own voice as strongly as it resists new messages from elsewhere,” Wingert said. “Even if we are not used to saying positive, affirming things to ourselves, over time, the brain becomes trained to think in this way.”

Instead of letting thoughts veer into a negative space, try to fill your thoughts with affirmations. Research shows positive words and thoughts are more likely to contribute to positive feelings, while negative thoughts can bring about negative emotions.

3. Chase Specific Goals

Research points to how optimists spend more time and energy focused on their goals, making them more likely to achieve them. By defining your wants and plotting a course of action, you can begin to take positive steps toward your goals rather than dwelling on how things might fall apart.

Whether you’re aiming for a better job or learning to speak a new language, approaching each step in the process with hopefulness and a good attitude can set you up well. Visualize reaching your goal, anticipate success, and you may find yourself closer to achieving it.

4. Don’t Give Up

Much of the research into optimism has focused on the habits and behaviors of those who demonstrate it. One recurring trait they tend to share is a more dogged pursuit of what they want. Maintaining motivation and perseverance may be why optimistic people are more likely to succeed in reaching their goals. They are able to maintain their focus and recover better from setbacks, rather than succumbing to a defeatist attitude.

Another trait shared among optimistic types is a stronger ability to seek out creative solutions to problems. By reminding yourself, in advance, that setbacks are not going to define your success, you can become better positioned to deal with them should they arise.

Is Optimism Really Better?

Despite some research suggesting pessimism may offer its own competitive advantages, most studies squarely land on the side of optimism. Whether the metric is health, wealth, or happiness, a sunnier outlook has been shown to have many positive effects. In a 2015 study of more than 1,000 participants from Europe and the U.S., researchers from Germany’s University of Cologne found optimistic types earn more income and were more trusting of others versus cynics in the study.

Wingert believes each person is born with a specific temperament and some may be more naturally cheerful, hopeful, and optimistic than others.

Aside from the physical and mental health benefits and improved chances at success and happiness, many people practice optimism for a simpler reason: it just feels better.“These differences are noticeable in infants, and personality traits are fairly stable over the life span,” Wingert said. “The human brain is hardwired to pay more attention to the negative, and this so-called ‘negativity bias’ has allowed humans to survive, evolve, and climb to the top of the food chain.”

Wingert recommends mindfulness meditation and the use of a daily gratitude journal to detail the more positive aspects of life. Sometimes, this shift in perspective can make a big difference in how a person feels.

“Two people can go to the same party, and one of them will think it was a blast and another will think it was a bomb,” Wingert said. “Oftentimes, their experience was based on what they expected would happen and what their brain was trained to look for and notice.”

Self-help books and professional journals often promote positive thinking as a way to effect positive change. Looking to the future with a hopeful outlook is widely accepted in professional and clinical circles as both a healthier way to live and a more beneficial psychology to maintain.

Aside from the physical and mental health benefits and improved chances at success and happiness, many people practice optimism for a simpler reason: it just feels better.

“There are no overnight miracles with these practices, but they all do change the mind and the brain over time if we stick with them,” Wingert said. “We have nothing to lose but our negative outlook.”

References:

1. Boesveld, S. (2013, October 10). Pessimists may be genetically predisposed to see the world darkly: New UBC study. Retrieved from http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/pessimists-may-be-genetically-predisposed-to-see-the-world-darkly-new-ubc-study
2. Brody, J. (2012, May 21). A richer life by seeing the glass half full. Retrieved from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/a-richer-life-by-seeing-the-glass-half-full/?_r=1
3. Burling, S. (2010, May 30). The power of a positive thinker. Retrieved from http://articles.philly.com/2010-05-30/news/24964448_1_positive-psychology-positive-thinker-soldiers
4. Corley, T. (2016, April 21). In 5 years of studying millionaires, the vast majority said a simple change in outlook was critical to their success. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/studying-millionaires-showed-me-the-importance-of-optimism-2016-2
5. Parashar, F. (n.d.). Optimism and pessimism. Retrieved from http://positivepsychology.org.uk/pp-theory/optimism/98-optimism-and-pessimism.html
6. University of Kentucky (n.d.). UK College of Arts & Sciences – Psychology. Retrieved from https://psychology.as.uky.edu/users/scsege0