ParentingFather carrying baby daughter (15-18 months) outdoors, close-up is a strange deal. It’s one role in life where there is a strong blueprint—we were all children once, and someone got us through those years—but there’s no easing in to it.

In the early days of any new job I’ve had, I’d wear that “training” badge for as long as I could. I’ve always been able to defer to someone above me who had the ultimate responsibility. When I was in retail, there was a manager. As an actor, there was a director. As a young social worker, there was always a supervisor.

A dad can’t say the same about a grandparent. The ultimate responsibility is yours. Even if you’ve been babysitting for years, even if you are the most involved uncle in the world, there is nothing that really prepares you for …

“Waaaaaahhhhh!!!”

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Read all the books (and blog posts) you want. One’s experience of fatherhood is going to be unique. It has to be, because we all are.

Deciding what kind of father you want to be is important and laughable at the same time. Laughable because the days, weeks, and years are unpredictable. Having a co-parent may make it easier, but it also introduces the unpredictability of another person.

The important part is that you want your parenting to be as intentional as possible.

Natural Parenting May Be Anything but Natural

Our main teacher(s) for this amazing, strange role is the person or people who parented us.

We may think they did an awesome job or a horrendous one, but most likely it was somewhere in between. They were like you in many ways. They were faced with a role they were not trained for, and they did what they felt was best. If you don’t give any thought to evaluating that parenting, and really looking at how you were parented, you’re likely to do one of two things:

  1. Repeat it
  2. Do the exact opposite

Either way, you’re not parenting how you want to; you’re going on what you think is “instinctual,” but it’s either defaulted toward or against your parents. Either way, it’s not you who’s doing the parenting.

You are not your parent(s), and your child—take a breath, as this is hard to hear for some dads—is not you.

Parenting Roles Compounded

I’ve heard it said that no two siblings have the same parents. People not only parent differently because of who they are, they do so depending on circumstances and environment. For example, people who were parents in January 2001 were very different parents in January 2002. Where we are with regard to our relationships, our careers, our confidence levels, and the amount of support we have will influence how we parent, just like it influences everything else.

But what kind of father do you want to be to your kids? Are you going to be able to show them that men can be emotional? That men don’t have all the answers all the time and they can’t fix everything?

This isn’t a bad thing. It just is. And it needs to be thought about.

That’s what I mean by intentional parenting.

Many dads co-parenting in the 21st century have noticed their roles shift dramatically from what they observed their fathers doing. More is expected in some ways, and that can be a challenge—especially for men who expected that their roles would be more traditional. It’s not necessarily that everyone is learning new roles outside of tradition; it’s often that their roles are traditional plus.

Many fathers receive the message that they need to make a salary and feed, bathe, and change the baby. (We of course hear this about women, too, as they are often asked to do all they do as mothers and work full time.)

It’s not getting easier for anyone.

It Starts with Knowing Yourself

Intentional parenting can occur before you have the baby as well as after, and it’s ongoing. Some of this seems like common sense. You are probably aware that you’re going to be negotiating many of these roles, especially if you have a partner. You’re constantly figuring out who’s picking up who, when, and where, for example.

But what kind of father do you want to be to your kids? Are you going to be able to show them that men can be emotional? That men don’t have all the answers all the time and they can’t fix everything? Many people grew up with a father who represented the other side of all of that. Many had a remote father who would come in to “save the day” when mom supposedly got “too emotional.”

There are a lot of little and big decisions you’re going to be making every day. Why not have an intention set before embarking on this journey? It may take exorcising some ideas of what a man is and what a father should be. How connected are you to some of the more vulnerable emotions?

Many people have a child and then realize all the stuff they thought they figured out is still there. That’s fine. The important thing is that they are aware enough of their stuff that they realize when it’s getting in the way of being the father they want to be.

Have you decided on the father you intend to become?

SpiralThe power spiral is a guide to using role power wisely and well, and is of particular use to therapists. There are four aspects to the power spiral for use with ethical decision-making: gathering information, engaging compassion, resolving and repairing, and resourcing.

As a mental health professional, when you have any kind of ethical decision to make, consider the questions that guide you through the power spiral process. This process may also be helpful when you would like to harvest some learning by reflecting back on a decision or mistake you may have made.

Start by focusing your thoughts on the situation you want guidance on. Then imagine this situation in the center of a power spiral surrounded by the four aspects described next. Now imagine sitting in each of the directions of the spiral and consider questions such as the ones listed here. What insights emerge?

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1. Gather Information: The Informed Use of Power

2. Engage Compassion: The Conscious Use of Power

3. Prevent or Repair Harm: The Caring Use of Power

Some ethical decisions are involved with how to be in service to the person you’re working with and prevent harm, while others are related to how to resolve difficulties and repair harm.

Questions for being of service and preventing harm:

Questions for resolving difficulties and repairing harm:

4. Resource Yourself: The Skillful Use of Power

Example of the Power Spiral Process in Action

One of my students told me about an experience that usefully illustrates this process. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality.

A colleague referred someone to Elena, who works for an agency. The written notes about this man, David, said he wanted to get disability payments. When Elena met with David, he said he didn’t want disability assistance. Hearing that and feeling some reticence from David, Elena began working with him on feeling less shame and personal failure at needing to apply for public assistance.

This process went nowhere. David stopped coming to appointments and even filed a complaint with Elena’s boss. He said he had quit his appointments because she wasn’t giving him any help with his communication skills and managing his anger. Elena was quite surprised to hear this.

Using the power spiral process, Elena got some insights:

This is a fairly simple example of how to use this process and the many insights and guidance the focused questions can provide, and demonstrates how the process can be used in supervision or with a group of peers. It is also a humbling example of how quickly and innocently we can get off course. Further, it underscores how easy it is to be rule-bound (in this case, referral notes-bound) when we most need to be attuning to ourselves and being in right relationship with the people we serve—ethics from the inside out. Finally, it is an example of how simple and straightforward it can be to work out a problematic issue.

Couple not talking after a dispute on the sofaRelationships can be challenging at times. There will always be periods when we get upset, when we feel that our needs and wants are not being met. Intimate relationships are particularly tricky territory emotionally, especially in regards to dealing with anger.

For some people, rage may boil up at a moment’s notice, while for others their fuse may take a little longer to ignite. Sometimes the situation dictates how quickly we become irritated. When our trust has been broken and we feel betrayed, we may become angrier much quicker than if we experienced, say, a minor altercation with a partner regarding finances.

Although it’s generally understood that we should take a little time to cool down before our anger gets out of control, many people struggle with developing an effective “time-out” procedure. The following are some strategies that can be implemented in order to manage your anger before it gets out of hand:

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  1. Become aware of the warning signs of anger. Look for the physical cues in your body that indicate that you are becoming angry. Are your palms sweating? Are you pacing back and forth? Is your tension rising? Try to focus on tuning in to your body and your inner indicators of anger.
  2. Figure out your red flags. In addition to physical signs, be on the lookout for issues that tend to trigger you and your emotional state when someone brings them up. For example, do you get angry with your partner every time he or she treats you with suspicion or blame?
  3. Rate your anger. On a scale of one to 10, how angry are you in the given situation? Try to determine at what point you would need to take a time-out in order to cool off before being able to discuss the issue rationally.
  4. Discuss the time-out strategy with your partner when you are both calm. In order to develop an effective strategy that both parties can agree on, it’s necessary to do so when both of you are in a peaceful state.
  5. Determine the duration for the time-out. Everyone is different when it comes to managing anger. Some people tend to remain angry for longer periods of time than others; however, you can generally figure out approximately how long it usually takes for you to calm down. Many people are able to calm down sufficiently after about 30 minutes to an hour. Before you need to take a time-out, sit down with your partner and agree upon the length of time you want to implement for time-outs. If after this time you are still very angry, you can always extend the time-out.
  6. Signal your intention of taking a time-out. When you start arguing with your partner and you feel that you may be on the verge of losing control, indicate that you need to take a time-out. Both partners need to respect the right of the other to take this time and allow sufficient space to do so without continuing to badger the person.
  7. Decide what you will do during your time-out. The main purpose of the time-out is to give you an opportunity to calm down, so choose an activity that will help you do so. This could be listening to music, going for a walk, working out, or journaling, for example. Be sure to communicate your intentions to your partner when you establish a time-out plan, so that he or she doesn’t feel as though you’re leaving for an undetermined amount of time.
  8. Identify any underlying feelings you may have. During your time-out, take some time to try to figure out any deeper feelings you may have underneath the anger. For example, do you feel sad? Anxious? Unsupported? Anger tends to hide other emotions that can be better dealt with when they are seen, acknowledged, and expressed.
  9. Become aware of any negative self-talk. Our inner dialogues can make situations much worse than they actually are, especially when we are very negative. Try to challenge negative thinking when you notice it and change your thoughts to more positive ones. Also, try to look at the situation from your partner’s point of view in order to gain a different perspective.
  10. Discuss the issue again after your time-out. We don’t want to ignore issues that have led to arguments, so after taking time to cool down, meet with your partner to talk about your feelings. Rather than blaming the other, share with him or her the underlying emotions that you became aware of and try to forgive one another and/or reach some sort of compromise.

Anger can lead to impulsive actions that can have extremely negative effects on our relationships. Learning to keep our anger under control and manage it more effectively is important for our emotional well-being. Following the steps above to create and implement an efficient time-out strategy can help to improve your relationships and avoid having your anger get the better of you or your partner.

If anger is a serious, ongoing problem in your relationship, you may want to consider meeting with a psychotherapist in order to obtain additional help. For those in physically abusive situations, professional help can be especially important in breaking the cycle of violence. Check online for the agencies and shelters available in your area to help couples struggling with issues of domestic violence.

Artist painting on paper with a fine paintbrush“The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.” —Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past 

While we cannot go back and change the past or erase painful memories, we can make choices in the present. We can choose how we live our lives, change the lens through which we perceive the world, and look for the lessons along the way.

According to the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius, there are three methods to gaining wisdom: reflection, which is noblest; imitation, which is easiest; and experience, which is bitterest. Bitter though it may be, our experience of pain and suffering has the potential to become our ultimate instrument of transformation and creativity. When we are hurt, slighted, or disappointed, it can be all too easy to follow the path of least resistance and wallow in self-pity. We all do this at one point or another, and can easily remain stuck. But we can also choose another path. We can make the conscious decision to embrace our pain and use it to fuel our creative impulses.

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Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Marcel Proust, and Edvard Munch, all recognized as masters in their respective disciplines, are just a handful of the many talented artists throughout time who turned unfathomable human suffering into riveting works of art. Through the process of personal catharsis and healing, each also transformed a society.

No work of visual art so simply and yet so poignantly depicts psychic pain more than Munch’s painting The Scream. Whether inspired by Munch’s sister, hospitalized for insanity at the time, or Munch’s own pain, this work is relatable as a portrait of universal human suffering. Munch shows us that when in the trenches of despair—anxiety, depression, or any number of other mental health issues—our perception of the world around us can shift wildly. In this piece, Munch’s view of his outer as well as inner landscape comes literally screaming off the palette.

When we are hurt, slighted, or disappointed, it can be all too easy to follow the path of least resistance and wallow in self-pity. We all do this at one point or another, and can easily remain stuck. But we can also choose another path.

The works of Kahlo hauntingly depict both the excruciating physical and psychological pain she experienced throughout much of her lifetime. From a deforming childhood illness and, later, a disfiguring accident which led to chronic pain, to the psychic scars of a tumultuous marriage and a social revolution, Kahlo takes unimaginable circumstances and transforms them into what are now renowned works of art—and potentially therapeutic tools. According to the American Medical Association’s Journal of Ethics, Kahlo’s work has been used by psychologists to empower women to talk about their experiences of physical and emotional pain, as in the cases of interpersonal violence, infertility, and chronic illness.

Artistic expression and exploration are invaluable tools in cases of childhood trauma. How does one reconcile that the same hand that betrays, wounds, and abuses is the one that he or she most needs? For countless victims of childhood abuse and neglect, violence, and other crimes of the soul, making sense of the world can seem an impossible task. Scottish poet John Burnside’s own painful and abusive childhood became the catalyst to several established literary pieces, most notably his memoir, A Lie About My Father. In this tale of forgiving, though certainly not forgetting, Burnside seeks to understand his father, an abusive man with alcoholism for whom “cruelty was an ideology,” and in this process comes to forgive the man who raised him.

Angelou’s Caged Bird is perhaps one of the finest poetic expressions of the injustice of racial oppression. Utilizing nothing more than language, she speaks to the pain of discrimination and the “shackles of racism and misogyny.” Also a victim of childhood rape, Angelou describes the “caged bird” whose “wings are clipped” or freedoms deprived, yet who chooses to use his voice for change:

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

In seeking to solve the “puzzle of inequality and hate,” Angelou’s transformation of her experience paved the way for not only personal healing and liberation but, as a fierce civil rights activist, was instrumental in fueling societal change.

One need not be a poet, painter, or activist to implement the tools of creative transformation. Whether it is simply taking a course in painting or starting a journal, expressing rather than repressing may prove invaluable in the healing process. Whether out of societal or personal oppression, every caged bird has a voice—and the potential to transform a society or simply heal a soul.

References:

  1. Angelo, F. (2013). Pain and the Paintbrush: The Life and Art of Frida Kahlo. AMA Journal of Ethics, 15 (5), 460-465. Retrieved from http://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/2013/05/imhl1-1305.html
  2. Burnside, J. (2006). A Lie About My Father.
  3. Lubow, A. (2006). Edvard Munch: Beyond The Scream. Smithsonian Magazine. Retrieved from: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/edvard-munch-beyond-the-scream-111810150/
  4. Sethis, A. (2013). I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Angelou, Maya-Review. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/aug/18/maya-angelou-caged-bird-review

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?

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These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

 

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.

You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.

I wish you both the best for your future.

Kind regards,
Lynn

Father and son sitting on a park bench
Father and son sitting on a park bench

As parents, we frequently focus on learning how best to “discipline” our children. Yet I find the greatest challenge in learning how to be, as a parent, disciplined.

Parents must become savvy in the implementation of effective disciplinary strategies that are clear, reasonable, and enforceable, but—more importantly—parents first must test their own discipline as people. Disciplined parenting calls for heightened self-awareness.

Much of the research on parenting styles has studied the ways in which parents are responsive as well as demanding. Responsiveness is about understanding and meeting needs, while demanding-ness is about establishing and enforcing expectations. Skillful parenting in these ways undergirds two fundamental, equally necessary forces in human development: attachment and autonomy.

To the extent we are securely attached, we experience trust and emotional connection which are critical to enhancing our capacity for relating well to others. To the extent we are responsibly autonomous, we are able to self-soothe and engage in independent tasks which are critical to living well in society.

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Parenting challenges such as attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles are nearly always expressions of underlying and unresolved needs functioning toward a child’s development. As parents, we must recognize in facing such behavior that we stand at a crossroads—externally control our children’s behavior or positively influence their intrinsic development?

The American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr became famous for a prayer he often repeated in one form or another: “Lord, grant me the courage to change the things that I can, peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the context of parenting, at least, change is about control.

We must learn there are limits to the effectiveness of external control in cultivating the development of our children’s character and resiliency, yet we can provide a great amount of powerful influence.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

We must understand, for instance, that we cannot purely control our children’s disobedient behavior, refusal to do chores, sneakiness, shyness, moodiness, tantrums, demands, overreactions, unresponsiveness to affections or praise, or unwillingness to participate or connect.

What we can control, however, are the ways in which we establish rules and set limits, link privileges to responsibility, allow space and privacy, show interest and inquire into their lives, provide regular choices, use a calm yet firm voice, give our affections and praise, and plan and spend quality time together.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

The Couch Potato

Some parents are disengaged from their children’s lives and tend to be emotionally detached, practically uninvolved, and negligent in establishing expectations and guidance. I call these parents “couch potatoes.” They are characterized by unresponsiveness to needs, few demands, and little communication.

There are several ways to traumatize with neglect. Provide food and shelter, if that, but little else. Remain emotionally distant. Be selfish and uncaring. Do not enforce any standards of any kind. Uninvolved parenting practically ensures that a child will fear and sabotage close relationships, experience heightened anxiety, and have significant deficiencies in his or her capacity for empathy and even ethical decision-making.

The Dictator

Some parents are highly demanding of their children but not responsive to their emotional needs. I call them “dictatorial” parents. These parents are generally characterized as more rigid, harsh, and demanding and tend to engage in provocative and punitive forms of discipline.

There are several ways we can make children behave—force, fear, and punishment. Dictatorial tactics serve to overpower a child. These methods may result in the restoration of order and compliance, yet far from nurturing unmet developmental needs, they simply make a child angry, resentful, fearful, and dependent upon force.

The Peer

Some parents are highly responsive to their children’s perceived emotional needs but not very demanding. They are overly responsive to a child’s wants and seldom establish or enforce consistent rules or limits. I call them “peer” parents. Others may characterize them as soft or pathetic in their approach to discipline.

There are several ways we can get children off our backs—whine, appease, avoid. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing with their children, yet may fail to engage in effective guidance. By overvaluing friendliness and undervaluing other aspects and principles, parents may inadvertently reward or reinforce immature or deviant behavior.

The Disciplined Parent

Parents who are highly attuned and responsive to their children’s needs and are also highly demanding of them in guiding them toward maturity and independence are, by necessity, disciplined in their parenting. Disciplined parents are firm but not rigid; they are willing to make an exception when the situation warrants.

Disciplined parenting engages in responsive and restorative discipline that focuses on instilling key values and skills, including self-soothing, delaying gratification, constructive communication, fairness, and citizenship. Disciplined parenting serves to empower a child, focusing on responding to developmental needs (the responsive aspect) and teaching how to make things right after they’ve gone wrong (the restorative aspect).

How would you describe your own approach to parenting and discipline?

Young Girl Staring out WindowAs a therapist, I’ve used eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to treat many adults with mental health issues resulting from trauma. This method of therapy is also safe and effective for children and adolescents, provided that the therapist is skilled and trained in working with this population and in this modality.

What Is EMDR?

When a painful or upsetting experience happens, the memory of the experience sometimes stays “stuck” in the body and mind. Over time, the occurrence may manifest anew in disturbing and invasive ways.

Dr. Ricky Greenwald, a pioneer in developing EMDR therapy for children and teens, describes EMDR as “a non-drug, non-hypnosis psychotherapy procedure. The therapist guides the client in concentrating on a troubling memory or emotion while moving the eyes rapidly back and forth (by following the therapist’s fingers). This rapid eye movement, which occurs naturally during dreaming, seems to speed the client’s movement through the healing process.”

After experiencing trauma, a child may have recurring nightmares or cope by avoiding things associated with the disturbing experience. For example, a child who experienced a car accident may exhibit defiant behavior when in a vehicle, or protest having to travel in the first place.

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Essentially, EMDR can help the brain “digest” the memory of the traumatic event.

How Does EMDR Help Children?

EMDR is effective and well supported by research evidence for treating children with symptoms accompanying posttraumatic stress (PTSD), attachment issues, dissociation, and self-regulation. It has also been effective in treating symptoms related to guilt, anger, depression, and anxiety, and can be used to boost emotional resources such as confidence and self-esteem.

During the past five years, the World Health Organization and the California Evidence Based-Clearinghouse for Child Welfare recommended two psychotherapies for children, adolescents, and adults with PTSD: trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR. Of the two modalities, some of the research describes EMDR as “significantly more efficient.” My experience as a therapist echoes these recommendations.

One Therapist’s Experience with EMDR

I have personally witnessed children and teens improve in their overall functioning after being treated with EMDR, sometimes after only a few sessions. These children experienced PTSD symptoms as a result of bullying, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and invasive medical procedures. Some of these traumas occurred at the hands of someone with malicious intent; others were formed from the child’s perceived intent.

Since our emotional states are a result of how we perceive the world, a child may have stress related to a memory that, to anyone else, would not seem to be a “big deal.” In an effort to help their children “get over it,” parents often tell them things such as, “It’s not that bad,” or, “He wasn’t that mean to you.” But if the experience was traumatic to the child, it was traumatic—period.

In an effort to help their children “get over it,” parents often tell them things such as, “It’s not that bad,” or, “He wasn’t that mean to you.” But if the experience was traumatic to the child, it was traumatic—period.

Trauma can result from one event, multiple events, or a series of them. These events can cause children to see the world as dangerous and can alter their ability to function. A child may experience anxiety, fear of death, panic, powerlessness, anger, and deep sadness. When the trauma is a result of violence perpetrated by a caregiver they trust, it becomes overwhelming and can cause a child to be in a constant state of worry. This, of course, interferes with the child’s ability to trust or to sustain and maintain relationships.

Therapy can be a scary prospect to a child. When I explain to a child that our brains are amazing things that have the ability to heal themselves, and that I will help their brains do just that, they usually react with curiosity and intrigue and the process becomes much less scary.

What to Look for in an EMDR Therapist

The safety of any treatment modality depends on the practitioner’s aptitude to administer it. A licensed therapist who is fully trained in EMDR is well equipped to help a child or teen. The therapist should have training in how to apply the method to the child’s specific developmental needs and an ability to explain the process to the child in a way he or she will understand. A full history should be obtained from the parents, who should be considered partners in tracking changes in the child as the treatment progresses.

EMDR is often used in combination with other therapeutic modalities, such as art therapy, sand tray therapy, play therapy, yoga therapy, and even animal-assisted therapy. A therapist who offers a multifaceted approach, based on the child’s unique needs and interests, is ideal.

If interested in seeking the help of an EMDR-trained therapist, search GoodTherapy.org’s directory for a therapist near you.

References:

  1. California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse for Child Welfare. (2010). Retrieved from http://www.cebc4cw.org
  2. Gomez, A. (2008). Beyond PTSD: Treating depression in children and adolescents using EMDR. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the EMDR International Association, Phoenix, AZ.
  3. Jaberghaderi, N., Greenwald, R., Rubin, A., Zand, S. O., and Dolatabadi, S. (2004). A comparison of CBT and EMDR for sexually abused Iranian girls. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 11,358-368.
  4. Trauma Institute & Child Trauma Institute. (2015). Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. Retrieved from http://www.childtrauma.com/treatment/emdr/
  5. World Health Organization. (2013). Guidelines for the Management of Conditions Specifically Related to Stress. Geneva, Switzerland. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK159725/

GoodTherapy | The Brain in Defense Mode: How Dissociation Helps Us SurviveAccording to Ross and Halpern (2011), there are several definitions of dissociation. One of them (referred to as “the general systems meaning of dissociation”) is “the opposite of association” or the disconnection of two or more things that were once associated with each other. Another definition, presented by Steinberg and Schnall (2001), defines dissociation as “an adaptive defense in response to high stress or trauma characterized by memory loss and a sense of disconnection from oneself or one’s surroundings.”

Dissociation occurs when someone disconnects from some part of himself or herself or the environment. It can occur in a number of different ways, including disconnection from one’s emotions, body sensations, memories, senses, etc. A normal and common phenomenon, dissociation can happen in mild forms even when there is not imminent danger or stress. Think of a time you drove somewhere, arrived, and then couldn’t remember the drive because your mind was wandering; an instance when you lost track of time because you were engrossed in a riveting television show; or when you disconnected from body sensations to avoid going to the bathroom when you were on a tight deadline at work.

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Dissociation is something we all do, and it is a vital part of our ingrained survival system. It is a part of the system that helps us to cope with stressful situations, which may otherwise feel overwhelming (Steinberg and Schnall, 2001). It is built in and is not pathological (Ross and Halpern, 2011). However, when a trauma occurs, sometimes this built-in system disconnects to a greater degree in an effort to protect the individual from traumatic material, body sensations, emotions, or memories that may be overwhelming.

Dissociation related to trauma occurs in varying degrees. On the lower end of the dissociation spectrum, for example, let’s say someone was in a car accident. A few days after the accident, the person finds that he or she cannot recall parts of the accident, even though reports of others were that he or she was conscious and responsive during those times he or she cannot recall. On the other end of the spectrum, someone who was severely abused throughout life can dissociate to the point that he or she has more than one personality, all of whom display and contain their own characteristics and who hold different memories associated with the trauma.

The goal in therapy is not to eliminate dissociation completely, but rather to help the brain and body to update to the current circumstances. Specifically, this would include helping a person to integrate current information about the present circumstances in which they live.

For the traumatized individual, dissociation may help him or her to survive circumstances that may have otherwise been intolerable. Dissociation can help a person feel as if situations, his or her body sensations, emotions that would have been overwhelming, etc., are muted and distorted so he or she can then go into “autopilot” mode and survive extreme situations and circumstances. When trauma is ongoing, dissociation can become “fixed and automatic” (Steinberg and Schnall, 2001). When this is the case, integration of memories becomes difficult for the brain, and the brain also continues to send of signals of danger, even when the traumatic situation is over (Steinberg and Schnall, 2001). This can continue for years after a traumatic situation has ended.

According to Steinberg and Schnall (2001), the five central symptoms of dissociation are:

For someone who is concerned that he or she is experiencing a more-than-normal incidence of dissociative symptoms, help is available. Several accurate tests are available through therapists and psychologists who have been specially trained in diagnosing and treating dissociation and trauma.

The goal in therapy is not to eliminate dissociation completely, but rather to help the brain and body to update to the current circumstances. Specifically, this would include helping a person to integrate current information about the present circumstances in which they live. If no danger currently exists, helping the brain and body to learn how to be safe would be one part of treatment. Working toward being able to maintain awareness of the present moment, body sensations, emotions, surroundings, etc.—also known as mindfulness—is one way to start to address dissociation, especially prior to any trauma work that needs to be addressed.

As a therapist, I appreciate dissociation as a valuable gift our brains are able to give us when we endure trauma. I emphasize to the people I work with in therapy that dissociation has helped them to survive, and we can acknowledge that this is a defense that has perhaps worked for longer than it was intended. It is important to remember that experiencing more than a regular level or type of dissociation as a result of trauma does not make a person defective. Rather, it shows that he or she has been able to live through and survive extraordinary circumstances that no one would be able to endure without the brain’s ability to dissociate.

References:

  1. Ross, C., and Halpern, N. (2009). Trauma Model Therapy: A Treatment Approach for Trauma, Dissociation and Complex Comorbidity. Richardson, Texas: Manitou Communications.
  2. Steinberg, M., and Schnall M. (2001). The Stranger in the Mirror. New York, New York: Harper.

Playing footbal at the sunset on the beachDo you spend too much time on other people’s problems?

You lead a busy lifestyle and you have plenty of problems of your own to solve. But have you ever noticed how much time you spend solving other people’s problems? Perhaps while you’re trying to reply to a few emails, your coworker stops by to complain about his neighbor—again. Or maybe your roommate is always telling you about her various dating escapades without noticing that you’re in the middle of something.

In therapy sessions, one of the first things I find myself doing is helping people focus on their own lives and stop trying to solve other people’s problems. I sometimes call others’ problems “hot potatoes” because they often feel urgent, which reminds me of the game we play with kids—passing the potato around until the music stops. Nobody wants to be left holding the hot potato, especially if it doesn’t belong to you.

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If you are a parent, friend, coworker, or roommate, you hear your share of other people’s problems. It takes practice to learn to deflect the hot potato. We all know what it looks like: someone dumps a problem on your lap and looks at you with hopeful eyes. It’s my job, in part, to help people through these problems and feel better. I am happy to listen to hot potatoes and am trained to help address them, relying on my professional experience and skill set.

But for people who don’t do what I do, it can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life. Here are two ideas for passing a problem back to its owner:

  1. When someone shares problems with you, remember that it is not always an invitation to help the person problem-solve. Are you being paid to solve this problem? Often, the other person just wants to vent and you need do nothing more than nod and attempt to show genuine empathy and understanding. Some good responses are, “That sounds difficult,” “How frustrating,” or, “That would upset me, too.” These validating responses are usually much appreciated when accompanied by active listening, with no further action typically necessary.
  2. When you attempt to solve someone else’s problem by giving advice or offering action, remember that you don’t want to rob the other person of the opportunity to use their own skills. This is especially important for parents to understand. When your child comes to you with a problem about school, a friend, or anything else, your first response after listening carefully and empathizing should be something along the lines of, “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This is, of course, if venting alone does not solve the problem, which it often does.) Give your child a chance to solve the problem. You’ll be surprised at how often kids come up with satisfactory answers. Since the world is not engineered to be problem-free for anyone, it is a wonderful thing when kids learn that they have good ideas and can take initiative, with parental support, in problem solving.

It can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” works well with roommates and friends, too. Instead of putting your own spin on someone else’s problem, let the person be the one to throw out ideas while you relax and listen. It takes practice, but it will bring you appreciation of others’ thought processes as well as free you from the frustration of being asked for advice that ultimately isn’t taken.

Letting others solve their problems gives you a chance to work on your listening and empathizing skills. You don’t have to be attached to outcomes of others’ situations, since you didn’t provide any hopes, promises, or directions. And think about how gratifying it is to help bring out others’ strengths just by allowing them the opportunity to identify and draw on them. Solution-focused therapy uses these methods as part of its core philosophy. I can’t take away someone’s problems, but I am confident that I can help most people identify and build the skills they need using their own strengths.

When you free yourself from stressing over other people’s problems and hand them back their own hot potatoes, you will find yourself with more time, energy, and emotional resources to take care of yourself. If you need help figuring out which hot potatoes are worth tossing back and which are yours to handle, seek the help of a qualified therapist.

teen rests chin on layered hands on kitchen counterWhen I work with parents of teenagers, our conversations inevitably turn toward discipline.

“How do get my teen to follow the rules?”

“My teen won’t clean up after himself. What should I do?”

“Nothing I do seems to have any effect on her!”

Discipline with teenagers is complicated. They are at an age where it is important to give them more freedom and responsibility, but many parents feel like they have few tools at their disposal to hold teens accountable. When they were toddlers, a simple “timeout” often sufficed, but now that they are teenagers the solutions don’t feel so simple.

One of the moms at a recent mother-daughter workshop asked me for advice about how to get her daughter to stop being so mean to her little brother. She gets annoyed with him easily and ends up yelling or even pushing and hitting him. I asked her what her usual reaction is, and she said, “I take away her phone for a few days”—a common, seemingly reasonable punishment. Then I asked the mom, “So how well does that work?” Her answer was something I hear from parents all the time: it works until the punishment is lifted, but then the behavior starts up again.

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The Difference Between Punishments and Consequences

That’s the problem with some favorite go-to punishments—they make the teen suffer for a little while, but they have little impact on changing the behavior. To create consequences that are more effective, it is important to start with understanding the difference between punishments and consequences. They are not the same. They serve very different purposes, and create very different results.

Punishments are used to impose suffering of some kind and to make it clear who is in control. They are often unrelated to the problem behavior (taking away a phone because your teen was mean to her brother, for example), and they are most often given in moments of anger and frustration. The result of most punishments is that it instills fear and resentment, it makes teens reluctant to admit their mistakes, and most importantly, it has little, if any, effect on future behavior.

Consequences, on the other hand, are designed to teach teens to learn from their mistakes. They encourage good behavior, and teach teens to engage in more proactive problem solving. Ideally, consequences end up teaching teens that they are in control of, and responsible for, their behavior.

Discipline with teenagers is complicated. They are at an age where it is important to give them more freedom and responsibility, but many parents feel like they have few tools at their disposal to hold teens accountable.

How Does That Work in Real Life?

So, what does that look like in the real world? Here are some examples of how you can start using more effective consequences with your family.

Your teen hasn’t been doing chores around the house. Dirty dishes are left in the living room. Dirty towels are left on the bathroom floor, etc.

Instead of: Yelling, lecturing, nagging, taking away the phone, or grounding him …

Try this: Your teen is not respecting your home or taking care of his responsibilities. For one week, he will be responsible for doing ALL family dishes and ALL family laundry. The goal is to understand the effort it takes to take care of a home and learn to respect his role in keeping the house clean.

Your teen is constantly fighting/bickering with her younger brother. She sometimes gets so annoyed with him that she hits or pushes him.

Instead of: Taking away her phone, grounding her for the weekend, or yelling at her …

Try this: In order to repair the harm she has caused in this relationship, your daughter needs to spend time with her little brother—take him to the park, watch a movie with him, read him a story before bed, etc. The goal is to repair the relationship and to learn that her brother doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Your teen tells you they failed a test at school.

Instead of: Taking away the phone, grounding them for the weekend, or making them spend all day in the library studying …

Try this: Ask them what the plan is moving forward. Allow your teen to create a plan—talk with the teacher, stay after school for help, ask to retake the test, etc. After they have developed a plan, ask how you can support them. Do they need your help communicating with the teacher? Do they need your help studying? But allow them to create the plan on their own, because this will help them learn they, not you, are responsible for their grades.

Did you notice the favored punishments are often to take away electronics or grounding? There’s a reason parents turn to those so often. They can serve as a great punishment because many teens place such a high value on communicating with friends. These punishments have an initial shock value and serve to make the teen suffer a little and pay attention to what they have done. I am not recommending parents stop using this punishment. It can be very effective to take away a phone or limit a teen’s freedom for the weekend. But it is important to understand that these tactics alone will not have a lasting effect on behavior. As parents, we need to pair these simple punishments with more meaningful consequences if we want our teens to become more aware of their behavior and make lasting changes.

As you decide on a consequence for your teen, remember to ask yourself: what do I want my child to learn from this? Because teaching our teens to reflect, learn from mistakes, and take more responsibility for their actions is ultimately the goal.

Pensive womanIt is not unusual for well-meaning parents to use their influence to try to mold their children into their ideal of a “successful” person. But when parents are not welcoming of the child’s own wishes and desires, the child can become trapped in following the dictates of the family blueprint for his or her life. If the message to the child, either directly or subtly, is that differences and conflict are unacceptable, the child may become emotionally unable to express and tolerate conflict with parents. When negative feelings cannot comfortably be expressed in a direct way, they often find an unconscious outlet in behavior. Specifically, the child may unconsciously deprive the parents of what makes them feel like good parents by sabotaging his or her own success.

Fred felt unsuccessful. He was 29 years old and felt like a failure in his relationships with women and was confused about how he felt about his work life. He described a sense of dissatisfaction and discomfort: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel crappy all the time. I’ve been dating Sally for three months, but I don’t really know what I feel about her. I don’t know how I feel about my job. I know I don’t like going to work. I don’t think I’m a very good lawyer. I don’t know if it’s the firm or me. Probably me. I’m stuck and clueless about what I want and I can’t unstick myself from the status quo.”

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As I became familiar with Fred’s life story, I learned that from the time he was born, his parents assumed he would follow his father and become a lawyer. Fred understood this from an early age. He described how his father would tell him that when he grew up they would work together. Fred’s parents guided him through all the “right” extracurricular activities, private schools, and college prep tutors to make sure he would get into the best college on his path to law school.

“They insisted I be on the debate team in high school. I actually didn’t like debating because my father typically engaged me, especially at dinner, in what felt like some kind of test or debate about current events,” Fred recalled. “He explained that this was necessary to help me hone my skills to be a lawyer. He always seemed so excited when he talked about my future as a lawyer. Even if I wasn’t sure, I knew that I could rely on him to know what was best for me. I pretty much didn’t think about it. I went to law school after college. Then my father got me a job at his friend’s law firm. He said he thought I should work there for a few years before joining his firm. So that’s what I did. I’ve been there for three years. I almost got fired after I messed up with a couple of clients. It really upset my father and he told me I need to stay there before I come work with him so I can turn my mediocre performance around.”

Fred seemed quite resigned to his situation.

“I can’t imagine what else I could do with my life,” he said. “My parents have done an amazing job of preparing me for this career. If I ever say that I’m not good at this or that and maybe I should think about something else, my mother gets teary. She says things like, ‘I don’t know what I did wrong that you don’t have any confidence in yourself.’ My father just gives me a pep talk, but it always sound like he’s disappointed in me. I usually end up feeling guilty and then I just don’t want to talk about it with them. But no one can help me figure anything out as well as they can. So I keep talking.”

As I listened to Fred during our sessions, I was very aware that there was inevitably some reference to a critical or disappointed comment from one or both of his parents. I remarked to Fred: “I notice that your parents sometimes respond to you with upset, disappointment, or criticism. How does this impact you?”

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn’t have the internal resources to know what he wanted.

Fred looked surprised: “That’s how they keep me on the straight and narrow.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“They want me to stay on course—to become a better lawyer, to settle down and have a family,” he said. “I can’t seem to get it together to do that.”

“Do you ever wonder if that is what you want or do you ever let yourself have fantasies of being on your own path?” I wondered.

“I don’t really let myself go there,” Fred replied. “They know what’s best. I don’t like to get into disagreements with my parents. It upsets them and then it upsets me.”

“What’s it like for you to be upset when you have disagreements with your parents?” I asked.

“It’s scary,” he said. “They sometimes get angry with me. I feel like I’ve done something terrible to them—really hurt them. My father gets cold, and my mother cries. I feel so guilty and it feels like I’ve chased them away.”

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn’t have the internal resources to know what he wanted. He relied totally on his parents for direction and reassurance that he was OK. His parents have fostered his dependency by making it too frightening for him to assert himself against their wishes for his life. My understanding of the relationship between Fred and his parents became central to our work.

I was concerned about the consequences of Fred’s inability to express any anger or disappointment to his parents about their role in directing his life. His inability to extricate himself from their involvement was interfering with Fred’s ability to become a separate person who knows what he wants and how to get it. My thoughts about Fred and his relationship to his parents led me to the hypothesis that Fred’s lack of “success” in life was an unconscious expression of his negative feelings toward his parents. I thought it reasonable to consider that as long as Fred was “unsuccessful,” he would be depriving his parents of good feelings. They wouldn’t be able to take credit for their successful son. Perhaps this was the safest way for Fred to express his discontent without having to manage the consequences of directly disclosing his feelings. He couldn’t tolerate acknowledging to himself or to his parents that they had interfered with his ability to become a “successful” person who could make choices and assert what he wants.

I believed my hypothesis was probably correct, but I was certain that Fred wasn’t ready to consider it. I was open to the possibility that other hypotheses would emerge as we continued our work. For now, we had to focus on how Fred could get more comfortable with his anger so that he could stop his unconscious attacks on his parents and himself.

Assessing our work, I was clear that we would have to continue to go slowly in order for Fred to make progress. He relied so heavily on his parents for good self-feelings that I didn’t want to prematurely interfere with the importance of them in his life. I felt it was important to express appreciation for their intentions and not to criticize his parents. Cautiously and slowly, I hoped I could help Fred consider that in spite of their well-meant help, he hadn’t been given the opportunity to develop a sense of self and an identity that might be different from what his parents wished. Hopefully, Fred’s anger at the consequences of his parents’ behaviors could be titrated so that in very small doses he could allow himself to tolerate the feelings and gradually be comfortable with them.

As Fred and I move forward with his treatment, there has been some movement toward better self-feelings. Fred continues at the law firm and occasionally reports feelings of satisfaction about his work. He is still anxious about his next evaluation, but is talking less to his father about his worries and more to Sally, who he continues to date. In our session last week, he expressed some irritation toward his mother when she teared up because he told her he had plans with friends when she invited him for dinner.

Fred and I have been spending more time in our sessions talking about his uncertainty in his relationship with Sally. I have suggested to Fred that he might be disappointed with me for not helping him get clearer about his feelings and what he wants. While Fred hasn’t committed to expressing that I’ve disappointed him, he has responded: “You know it’s me, not you. Well, maybe you could do more.”

It may not seem like a significant response, but this was the first time (I’ve asked before) that Fred has considered my being a disappointment to him. I believe that Fred’s ability to express negativity toward me and get comfortable with his disappointment (and any other negative feelings) will be useful in helping him tolerate these feelings with his parents.

Eventually, I hope Fred and I get to a place where I can tell him about—and he can consider—my hypothesis that his unconscious anger is operating to defeat himself and his parents.

Small steps can lead to big ones. We will keep talking.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!
Erika

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