In my experience, mismatched levels of sexual desire, or libido, tops the reasons couples enter sex therapy. It’s the reason Marcie and Joe (not their real names) come to therapy weekly. Married over 20 years, Marcie states, “I don’t think about sex ever.”

Yet, when they engage sexually, Marcie says, “I enjoy it. I even orgasm every time. I just never think of it. I’ve never felt sexual desire.” As a result, Marcie feels flawed, as if something is wrong with her. Joe feels unwanted because he initiates sex most of the time.

So, which partner bears “the problem”? The answer is neither.

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The “universe of desire,” as it turns out, is vast. According to author and researcher Emily Nagoski, desire shows up differently for men and women and can vary within gender. In her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Nagoski notes three types of desire.

1. Spontaneous Sexual Desire

Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly what it sounds like. It shows up instantly, with or without stimulation. Nagoski notes 75% of men experience spontaneous desire, as well as 15% of women. When it comes to Marcie and Joe, Joe falls into the “75% of men” category.

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This means 25% of men and the vast majority of women, 85%, do not experience spontaneous desire.

Spontaneous sexual desire as a prerequisite for sex supports a linear view of sexuality dating back to the late 1970s. In fact, researchers did not include desire on the spectrum of human sexuality until Helen Kaplan Singer created the Triphasic Model of the human sexual response cycle. Singer included three distinct phases: desire, excitement, and orgasm, with desire as the entry point.

So how do 85% of women experience sexual pleasure or “excitement” if they do not experience spontaneous desire? Nagoski noted two other types of desire that women more often fall into: responsive and contextual.

2. Responsive Sexual Desire

Responsive sexual desire is when desire shows up in response to stimulation, meaning something sexy happens and the body responds. Marcie falls more into this category. When Joe initiates, her mind and body enjoy the stimulation, and desire—or “wanting more of that feeling”—activates.

Nagoski found 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire, meaning these folks, like Marcie, need more than a sexy thought to “want” sex.

Yet there remains a large percentage of women and a smaller percentage of men who do not fall into the responsive desire category, either.

3. Contextual Sexual Desire

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Contextual sexual desire is when the circumstances and environment impact the ability to feel sexual desire. Think about what it’s like to drum up desire when your kids are in the next room, you feel stressed out by financial burdens, or you just ate a huge steak dinner. Sex may not be the first thing on your mind.

Nagoski notes most people, regardless of gender, fall within a blend of responsive and contextual desire, but for some, desire can feel spontaneous. They simply may not be aware of the other factors at play. For many individuals, context matters.

Marcie felt confused when she learned about the “universe of desire” because she always considered herself a non-sexual person. In therapy, our work focused on normalizing how she experienced desire—not as a flaw, an inadequacy, or something wrong with her, but as perfectly normal.

This work helped her shift her sexual self-concept so she could see herself as a woman capable of desire, lust, and erotic energy. It also helped her recognize she did indeed experience desire, just not in the same way Joe did.

Our work also helped Joe better understand how Marcie’s desire worked. He learned to view both responses as healthy and normal. This helped Joe depersonalize Marcie’s lack of sexual advancements and see himself as desirable.

Together, they embraced their differences and worked on improving how to meet each other’s natural sexual responses.

If mismatched desire is an issue in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist who works with couples.

Reference:

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

In any relationship, there may be struggles with communication, expectations, and unmet needs. For relationships in which at least one of the partners has attention-deficit hyperactivity, better known as ADHD, these struggles can be pronounced. Because ADHD impacts brain functioning and behavior, all aspects of life may be impacted by the symptoms—positively and negatively.

There are numerous potential benefits to being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. People with ADHD tend to be creative and passionate, among many other desirable attributes. There are also challenges that come with loving and living with someone with ADHD that often go unnoticed and therefore unaddressed. The more awareness you have of how symptoms can impact a relationship, the more prepared you may be to manage the challenges that come your way. These may include:

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1. Impulsivity

What this can look like in your relationship: Impulsivity can manifest as, for example, moving in too quickly with your partner or making other major decisions around the relationship with little thought or preparation (but, perhaps, with plenty of love and good intention). Because someone with ADHD may be lacking in stimulation in their prefrontal cortex, they may seek it in ways large and small. This can also play out in the person with ADHD making blunt comments that could unintentionally hurt their partner’s feelings.

The need for stimulation is high for those with ADHD. When they find something that makes them feel good, typically they want to chase that feeling. Examples of this may include binging on a Netflix series, playing a video game for extended periods, or, if their job is interesting enough to them, overly investing in work. In a relationship context, they may want to do exciting (and perhaps unsafe or unwise) or last-minute activities together.

2. Communication

What this can look like in your relationship: For some individuals with ADHD, arguing and continuing conflict may be a common theme in their relationship—not necessarily because they’re unhappy in the relationship, but because, for some, it feels good to engage, even through arguing. For the other partner, this can be infuriating and exhausting to be a part of.

On the other hand, some individuals with ADHD who aren’t stimulated by conflict have the opposite experience in arguments. For example, they may get stuck and struggle to communicate or advocate for themselves on the spot. As the other partner, you may find this frustrating and wind up concluding, inaccurately, they don’t care enough to engage and fight for the relationship.

You are not crazy, and you are not alone. You are, however, in a relationship that may need extra care, patience, consideration, and communication.

3. Forgetfulness

What this can look like in your relationship: This one’s pretty straightforward. Forgetfulness can manifest in all kinds of frustrating ways in a relationship: losing the car keys, forgetting about a scheduled date, forgetting to do something their partner asked them to do, paying bills late, leaving the stove on, and the list goes on.

ADHD makes it easy to get sidetracked. It can have nothing to do with how much the person loves or cares about their partner and their needs. It has everything to do with a condition that takes the person out of the moment, no matter how much they may want to stay in it.

4. Struggles with Organization

What this can look like in your relationship: Are there unfinished projects in the home? Is the home overly cluttered or dirty? It may be difficult for a person with ADHD to stick with and complete one task at a time, whether it’s organizing the basement, painting the kitchen, or something else. Other ways organizational struggles can play out: the person with ADHD can’t find their favorite sweatshirt, often misplaces their glasses, or inconsistently handles household tasks. Perhaps the person successfully installs the screen door, but then leaves all the tools they used for the project out on display for weeks until you ask them (possibly multiple times) to put them away.

A person with ADHD may find their struggles with organization every bit as frustrating as their partner, if not more so.

5. Distraction

What this can look like in your relationship: Do you often feel like you have to repeat yourself to your partner with ADHD? Do you catch them seemingly not listening to you? Do you get angry after asking them to pick up an item at the store or do a certain task and after multiple requests they still haven’t done it? Do you experience conversations with your partner constantly taking detours (i.e., you start one topic and quickly end up on a different topic)?

Some of these examples, as applicable as they may be to your relationship, may feel a bit overwhelming. The intention here is to give you some insight and awareness into your everyday experiences with a partner whose condition may have no apparent cause while having very apparent effects on your relationship. You are not crazy, and you are not alone. You are, however, in a relationship that may need extra care, patience, consideration, and communication. Although medication can be helpful, a person with ADHD cannot will themselves into being “better,” and they can’t simply think their way into, say, focusing more or calming down.

Talk with your partner about your expectations and needs and how to go about getting them met in a reasonable, realistic way. It’s important to develop a plan. Meeting with a couples therapist who has experience working with ADHD is a great place to start.

One of life’s greatest joys can be connecting to another soul in what may sometimes feel like a lonely world. A good relationship can be a landing on which to fall when the inevitable pains of life strike; a safe harbor to point us home when we feel lost; a standing Saturday night date. So, what happens when the one you’ve always relied on to soothe your pain in times of hardship is the source of that very pain? When the agony of a broken heart feels like the stabbing of a thousand knives, how do we even begin the healing process?

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Losing a loved one through a separation such as a breakup or divorce can feel as devastating as losing someone through death. Below are some of the stages of grief and some steps to get through it. Although knowing what you will experience will not take the pain away, it may remind you that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, others have likely felt it before. Just as those before you made it through, you can come out on the other side of pain.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial

In times of mourning or loss, we tend to idealize people or situations. In the case of a breakup, we may find ourselves remembering only the good times, while conveniently forgetting why things didn’t work out. Remembering the good is healthy, so long as we “keep it real” and see things as they really were—the good and the not-so-good.

2. Angst

The emotion referred to here is a universal stage of intense sadness that most of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. It is separate from clinical depression, which may require professional help. Barring a clinical diagnosis, when it comes to healing the pain of a broken heart, time is our strongest ally.

3. Anger

Depending on the circumstances of a breakup, we may feel anger toward the partner we perceive has hurt us. We may indulge in feelings of self-righteousness and fantasize of retribution. That is, until we remember “it takes two to tango.”

Barring cases of abuse, in most relationships, both parties play a role. So, if we look closely enough, we may find the anger we are directing outward is really anger we hold toward ourselves. “How dare they do this to me” turns into “How could I have allowed this to happen?” In either case, blame is rarely the answer.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Find forgiveness and meaning.

Forgiveness is often an essential part of the healing process, whether it is for yourself or the partner who may have “wronged” you. Everything ends, including life. Some people spend their lives never having found love.

If you have had love walk into your life at least once, some people would consider you lucky. Of course, if you’re still reeling from the pain of a broken heart, you may feel anything but lucky. However, once the wounds heal and the pain begins to dissipate, you may feel differently.

2. Be your own safe harbor.

As I mentioned above, life is impermanent. So are relationships. Whether through death or a breakup, every relationship will eventually end. Knowing and accepting this harshest of realities—as impossible as it may seem—could serve you well.

Relationships are essential to our well-being. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. For the rest of your life, the only one who is guaranteed to be there is yourself. Ultimately, learning to be your own safe harbor can help your healing process.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

One of the many injustices of being human is often we can’t heal without pain. Sometimes to get to the good stuff, we have to endure the bad. As children, if we had a splinter, the idea of someone sticking a tweezer under our skin to get it out didn’t sound so appealing. But to avoid the chance of an infection, we had to endure the temporary sting. The same principle can be applied to psychological pain.

Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

If you need a box of chocolate, or a night of mindless Netflix binging, you can allow yourself that. This is not to encourage self-destructive behavior. Instead, it is a brief reprieve, a moment of indulgence we all deserve every now and then.

But at some point, allow yourself to feel. You can come home, collapse onto the cold kitchen floor, and bawl your eyes out to the point of exhaustion if that helps. Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

4. Get back up again.

Once you do this, you can pull yourself off that cold kitchen floor. Even if it takes a week or a month, eventually you will be able to get back up and remember your greatness. Not the greatness of ego or arrogance, but the greatness in all of us. Even if you’re unable to see it at times—much like the sun on a foggy day—it doesn’t mean the greatness is not there. It will still be there when you are ready to stand back up and live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to let the fear of pain stop you. Suffering is a part of life, but in the end, it can make you stronger.

What does the word “integrity” mean to you?

To me, it means to be a good person and citizen, one who doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal. Having integrity means having a system of morals and ethics that I believe in and do my best to adhere to in all my dealings.

This may not always come easily, for any of us. Even the most kind and loving among us can struggle to do the right thing at times. There sometimes seems to be a small tug of war happening in the event of a moral challenge or difficult situation, and the cartoon vision of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other might come to mind.

I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, that our baser nature sometimes rears its ugly head. As humans we are fallible, we make mistakes, and—no matter the issue—we seem to be able to justify any action we take.

When we truly have integrity, though, good will win out the majority of the time. The truth will prevail. The “angel on our shoulder” is who we listen to most often, in a manner of speaking. [fat_widget_right]

Let’s consider now what integrity means in terms of a marriage or romantic partnership. In my opinion, it means all the above and more. It means putting a partner’s happiness right up there with our own. We make choices that are good for us, yes, but we also make choices that are good for the relationship, that will serve our lives and happiness as a couple. Doing so might sometimes involve hard and selfless choices, when those choices might lead to the betterment of the relationship.

What integrity with a partner means to me is the act of prioritizing a life together and working together to meet my needs, but also those of my partner, in a collaborative way. Some of these things might go unrecognized. I simply do them because I am acting with integrity, not out of the desire for praise or recognition. And that’s just what integrity is—doing the right thing, even though no one is watching.

1. Maintaining integrity when together

Integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners.

Integrity brings with it authenticity, vulnerability and an honesty that is kind and never harsh. We don’t have to always agree, or even approve of a partner’s decisions, but when we have integrity, we treat them with compassion, openness, and kindness. This might mean talking over all important decisions together. Make sure the relationship remains a priority and show respect and appreciation always. When we get triggered (because we will. It happens), we take the time to sort it out, rather than blaming, keeping score, making things personal, or bringing up past events when there is no point in doing so. Integrity might mean remaining committed to dealing with the issue at hand. When we can diffuse some of the stress with humor or kindness, so much the better.

2. Maintaining integrity when apart

Maintaining integrity when separated from a partner by time or distance may simply mean remaining mindful of the attachment we have to them. We might speak often, whenever possible, or simply be there when they seek us out. We choose not to put ourselves into situations that could create conflict, and we avoid inconsistencies with our words and/or actions. In order to feel secure and connected to our partners when distance is an issue, transparency is crucial.

3. Maintaining integrity in public

Public integrity means never intentionally embarrassing, humiliating, or belittling a partner, and perhaps even avoiding having any kind of a negative discussion in front of other people. Whether we are among friends, family or strangers, it may help us to remember (or remind each other!): We are a team, a pair, and it doesn’t serve us to be divided by any kind of petty insults or bickering in public.

If partners have a disagreement that requires immediate discussion, an alternative to hashing it out in public might be to step aside and discuss the issue and come to a reasonable conclusion together, or at least resolve it to a point that can wait until private discussion.

4. Maintaining integrity in private

When we are alone together, we show integrity by listening to what our partners have to say. We take note of the hopes and dreams they express; talk about the “hard stuff” or any challenges that arise; and build and share a deep and emotional connection. We trust each other never to betray our confidences. We read between the lines when we need to, and ask further questions and expand on that communication. In short, we do our best to be patient and supportive and let our partner know how much we care about their needs and desires. We show and share our deepest selves without fear of rejection.

We may not talk so much about integrity these days, but integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners. Doing the right thing for ourselves often means we are doing the right thing for our partners and families, as well. By acting with integrity, we model it for our children. By setting an example of doing the right thing, even when it’s an unpopular or difficult action, we allow our children to witness an important life lesson. Our consistent choice to act with integrity is likely to have a lasting impact, one that may even color their choices in the future.

Imagine you are in a long-term relationship that, like all relationships, has its rough patches, its areas that need improvement. You are motivated to address these difficulties in order to elicit change, grow, and bring your relationship to another level. Your partner, on the other hand, is unmotivated and unwilling to put forth the same effort.

There may be any number of reasons behind their lack of motivation: They may be facing personal struggles or mental health or emotional challenges. This may simply be who they are.

Whatever the case, you may face extreme disappointment when confronted with this reality. You may beg, plead, try any number of methods to encourage your partner to cooperate, all to no avail. Some people may take this as a sign that the relationship will not work out and end it there. Others may prefer to stay in the relationship, for any number of reasons, and decide to do their best with what they have.

If you are in this situation and are among those who have decided to stay, you may wish to seek support from friends, family, and even a trained therapist or counselor. You might also consider the six strategies below as possible ways to constructively address the situation in order to create optimal dynamics in your relationship. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. Take Care of Your Own Wants

Even the most ideal partner may not be able to provide everything you want. With an uncooperative partner, you may feel even less fulfilled. You might experience frustration and anger or develop the urge to try and change your partner, to push them to do what you want. However, these strategies usually are not helpful. Ultimately, it’s generally best to empower yourself to take care of your own needs and wants rather than relying on your partner to do so. Yes, it may be disappointing to engage with an inconsiderate partner, but by becoming proactive in doing whatever is in your power to fulfill your wants, you are taking control over your life. Rather than expecting or waiting for your partner to do things with you and becoming upset when they don’t, you become better able to proactively find your own solutions.

2. Create Fulfilling Venues

Many individuals enter into a long-term relationship expecting their partners to fulfill all of their needs. They may expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover, an intellectual peer, and/or to share the same hobbies and interests. But what if your partner cannot fulfill all of these wants? My suggestion is to find new channels to satisfy yourself and create a more meaningful and fulfilling life, with or without the other person. You can go to the gym, join a book or a movie club, participate in a philosophy group, take a class, build friendships, an so on. By diversifying your interests and social circles, you may find multiple ways to be fulfilled. Indirectly, you are likely to feel less frustrated with your partner as you reduce your reliance on them.

3. Build a Support System

It is always a good idea to surround yourself with an environment that is conducive to your well-being and happiness. Your ideal environment might include family, friends, and/or social and professional networks, for example. Anyone can benefit from social and emotional support, and you can turn to these people in times of need in order to gain a better perspective, seek encouragement, and increase self-esteem. It is usually helpful to talk, reflect, analyze and brainstorm with others about challenges and issues. In addition, social support is considered a form of psychological support, and you may find it improves your quality of life while also creating a buffer against the shock of unpleasant situations. There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it.

4. Set Boundaries

One key element of creating healthy and happy relationships is setting boundaries. It can be even more crucial to establish clear boundaries when engaging with partners who may try to manipulate, use, and take advantage of situations. Defining what you are willing to tolerate and communicating this to your partner is an effective strategy. By acting assertively, you can not only protect yourself but also empower your partner to take responsibility for their actions and needs. Be consistent and stick to your boundaries. Often, the discipline of boundaries will generate positive results in your lives. Yes, it can be challenging to set boundaries in relationships with partners who do not support limits. But it is absolutely possible and is necessary to your well-being.

5. Reinforce and Influence Your Partner

When you are the best partner you can be, you may be better able to influence your partner, who might eventually follow and provide you with the same attitude and support. When you offer support—perhaps by listening actively, asking clarifying questions, and otherwise behaving in a way that demonstrates positive and constructive intention—you send a clear message to your partner: “I am here to support you. We are facing this challenge together. You are welcome to participate.”  Make an effort to find ways to reinforce your partner and reward them.

6. Accept and Let Go

There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it. Many people find their situations too painful and/or unrewarding and leave the relationship, choosing not to further compromise themselves. Others accept that the situation is unlikely to change but decide to stay nonetheless, continuing to pursue happiness and fulfillment by letting go of some of their desires and expectations or changing their perspective regarding them. Whether you let go of the relationship or let go of some of what you had hoped for, it is necessary to come to the realization that the other person is beyond your power. Trying to control what cannot be controlled requires large amounts of energy and resources that could possibly be used to achieve something better and more fulfilling in your life. Whether you choose to “leave it” or “live with it,” you regain the power of control and can focus on fulfilling your life rather than hoping for an uncooperative partner to do it for you.

It is generally believed that humans are meant for connection and relationships. Most of us desire to live a life that is not isolated but diverse and interconnected, shared with a variety of people who all contribute meaning in a variety of ways. You may wish to share everything, or at least most things, with a partner, but this may not always be feasible. Yes, it is normal to expect a partner to change and be more cooperative toward shared goals or the relationship itself. But you might wish to consider whether it is better to focus on making fulfilling changes for yourself rather than pushing your partner to change. Then, if you don’t get the outcome you want from your partner, you won’t have wasted your energy but will instead have experienced personal growth, perhaps creating a more fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself in the process.

Your personal growth provides the freedom to exist with other people, even uncooperative ones, in a new manner, one in which your happiness no longer depends on another person.

The discovery or revelation of infidelity is one of the most difficult events a relationship can experience. In many couples, there is a sudden upheaval of emotion that threatens to swallow both partners whole. If you have ever searched the internet for answers, you may have found a great deal of support for the partner who experienced the betrayal; for the “wayward” partner, not so much. Being a partner who was unfaithful, yet wishes to reconcile, can be very lonely. This article aims to offer some help with navigating the choppy waters of trying to heal your relationship after your affair.

Your Decision

Before beginning the process of healing your relationship, seriously consider if you want to salvage it. Many wayward partners struggle with the idea of returning to the relationship the way it was before. Some partners are unfaithful because their primary partnership is failing. The idea of returning to that experience may seem almost too painful to bear. Infidelity recovery is a difficult process, so the decision to attempt reconciliation cannot be taken lightly. Before offering reconciliation to your partner, you must decide if that is what you truly want.

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In most cases, reconciliation requires that you end any contact with your affair partner(s). This may challenge you to formally end the affair, endure the potential embarrassment, and grieve the loss. This is typically necessary to demonstrate your good-faith effort to rebuild. If you are not ready to end your auxiliary relationship(s) (no matter how trivial this may seem), recovery may not be a viable path for your current relationship. To recover from infidelity requires that you decide to do what it takes to rebuild.

Your “Why”

Many wayward partners are relieved when affairs are discovered because they are no longer in bondage to their secrets. After discovery, the wayward partner may be eager to discuss what was wrong in the relationship that caused them to stray. This conversation is necessary for healing, but immediately after discovery/revelation may not be the best time for it. The betrayed partner is likely reeling from the knowledge and trying to make sense of a new reality. They may be so consumed with wanting to know all the facts about the infidelity that they may not be able to truly hear “why.” Even if they ask, they may not be able to comprehend the answer in a way that brings them healing.

Allowing the injured partner to set the pace of the recovery process is crucial to its success. Know that your honesty in answering the seemingly never-ending questions will allow your partner to eventually come to the “why” of the affair story. In the meantime, self-reflection may help a wayward partner to heal. Exploring how you found yourself in this situation and what needs you were attempting to meet will be key in the process … later. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or individual therapy can allow you the safe space you need to find answers to the deeper questions without causing more damage to your hurting partner right now.

Weathering the Storms

As a wayward partner, the agony of discovery/revelation may seem too expansive to contain. Some partners who have been unfaithful experience depressive symptoms as they find themselves thrust from the safety of their secret. Wayward partners may find themselves consumed with extremely low thoughts of self, only to have their injured partner echo those thoughts. The combination of guilt, shame, hurt, and betrayal seems to be a perfect storm.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend.

It may not seem like it, but the storm cannot rage on forever. Some days you may find the sting of betrayal is not as powerful as it was in the beginning. Wayward partners who learn the skill of finding the hurt under the rage may be better positioned to calm the storms in themselves and their partners. In my practice, couples learn that even the most injured partners are looking for the wayward partner to understand the hurt the infidelity has caused. We learn that if pain is acknowledged and empathy is given, the anger can usually subside over time.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend. Through the good days and bad days, the couple may find the lows are not as low as when they began and the highs are more frequent. Understanding the process and being focused on the goal of reconciliation can help a couple cope when emotions are running high.

Lower Your Defenses

One of the most important lessons for a wayward partner is to learn to avoid being defensive. Defensiveness can take many forms. Avoiding or dismissing the severity of the infidelity are only a few ways you can be seen as defensive. Blaming your partner for your infidelity is also defensive and may be detrimental to your partner’s healing. Being defensive also destroys the injured partner’s safety. A wayward partner who consistently takes responsibility for their actions may help their partner to heal faster. When they attack out of hurt, an injured partner wants to believe there is remorse. To show remorse and empathy allows the hurt partner to get what they need in order to heal.

Defending against attack is a natural human response. You may find it useful to think of a partner’s anger as an attack on the distress they are experiencing. Hurt partners may scream, cry, or seem cold in an attempt to rid themselves of pain. Be careful to notice if your relationship is becoming abusive; if so, get help immediately. If your partner is not abusive, to defend against the attack may mean the injured partner is left with this pain. Taking the burden of this suffering may be the act of love that the hurt partner needs in the wake of discovery/revelation. This can help to reestablish trust when you are determined to make amends for the hurt.

Conclusion

Relationships can heal from infidelity. The process is not without its challenges, but it is possible. A couple typically does best when they are determined to work through the pain to get to the healing on the other side. If you are considering reconciliation, you must first decide that rebuilding is your true goal if you want to be successful. Both partners will need to find healing in the pain of an affair, perhaps at different times. Allowing an injured partner to guide the recovery process is important for their healing. If you are able to weather the storms that come without being defensive, you may be more likely to succeed in the recovery process.

Infidelity does not have to mean the demise of your partnership. If you are willing to work through this challenge, perhaps with a nonjudgmental therapist guiding the process, your love for one another can emerge stronger than before.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

A few months ago I started dating a woman who has a lot going for her—great personality, whip-smart, professionally accomplished, lots in common including music and sports—but things have not been ideal in the romance department. I think a lot of it has to do with how she kisses me. She has this thing she does (almost every time) where she practically sucks my lips entirely into her mouth, uses her teeth, darts her tongue, and slobbers all over me. It’s way too wet and over-the-top for me, and it distracts heavily from anything else that might be happening. In fact, it not only makes me not want to kiss her, it makes me not want to have sex with her because I know kissing will happen. I have erectile difficulties with her in part, I think, because this is always in the back of my mind. (I have not traditionally had such issues with other women.)

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Before you mention it, I have talked to her candidly about this at least three times, as gently as I can. She knows our kissing isn’t working for me. She has given lip service (pun intended) to wanting to adjust how she kisses me. I have tried to lead the way a few times and asked her to do as I do. Yet she continues to kiss me like my face is a lollipop. I can’t take it anymore.

She is the only person I’ve ever dated who I’ve had this issue with. I am tired of mentioning it, and am starting to get the impression this kissing style is hardwired into her. If that is the case, I don’t see any choice other than to part ways. It’s just not sustainable (to me, anyway) to not want to kiss or have sex with the person I’m seeing. Any advice for me to try to salvage this before I kiss her goodbye? —Death to Smooching

Dear Smooching,

Your friend might benefit from some help and persistence. I know of another similar case involving a college student who thought kissing meant pushing his teeth very hard into his date’s teeth. Needless to say, this was uncomfortable to his partners, and so he soon had no partners—which was a shame because, like your friend, he has many things going for him.

He was inexperienced and trying to seem otherwise; he needed lessons in kissing and some patience, but even more than that, he needed to learn how to choose the right partner. He was dating the kind of person he thought he was supposed to like instead of someone he found truly attractive. This took some time to work out, as he had to let go of his assumptions and find out what came naturally to him instead of playing the part he thought he was supposed to play.

Your date’s kissing style, as you describe it, seems uniquely hers, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what comes naturally to her. Like the college student, she may be playing a part and over-acting to make up for certain feelings, perhaps including inadequacy. Without knowing her, however, that’s purely speculation. On the other hand, she may feel her kisses are genuinely sexy—and perhaps to some people they might be, but they are clearly not sexy to you. In fact, they turn you off.

Like sex, kissing needs to deliver mutual enjoyment. Focusing on pleasing your partner while being pleased yourself can be uniquely satisfying. Clearly, your friend is not focusing on your desire. Do you focus on hers? Are you able to? It sounds more like you are trying to endure her kisses since they are not pleasurable to you. Even though you’ve told her, she doesn’t seem able to understand what you’re saying, or if she does, the information simply isn’t sticking. Perhaps there is anxiety around this issue on the part of both of you at this point, but it’s hard to say without getting her perspective.

Let her know you’re coming from a place of concern and wanting to make a good thing (the relationship aside from kissing/sex) better. Let her know that what is happening is preventing you from enjoying her kisses—and you so want to enjoy her kisses!

It sounds like your relationship is in its infancy, so I’m not sure how invested you feel in it, but you describe this woman as having a lot of desirable qualities you might not want to give up. Maybe it’s worth considering going to see a couples therapist or a sex therapist together. It sounds like it couldn’t hurt. If you’re thinking about ending things with her, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by seeking help.

In the meantime, tell her what you like and don’t like—again. Continue to be gentle, but be honest and clear. Let her know you’re coming from a place of concern and wanting to make a good thing (the relationship aside from kissing/sex) better. Let her know that what is happening is preventing you from enjoying her kisses—and you so want to enjoy her kisses!

Also, ask her explicitly what, specifically, she finds pleasurable. It’s a two-way street, and if this kissing style has worked for her in the past, it’s possible your approach feels foreign to her. I’m wondering if you might both benefit from taking things more slowly. That means feeling your way through kissing, one movement and reaction at a time. If one or both of you is anxious, stop, relax, and wait until you’re ready to begin again. Starting, holding back, starting again, and releasing after a time—that’s sexy. Perhaps some wine, music, and/or low lights to help set the mood?

A kiss is still a kiss, as they say, but your friend needs to work on her style if she’d like more of yours. If you want to sustain or, better yet, improve your relationship, keep doing what you can to help her.

Kind regards,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. About 10 years ago, his snoring became intolerable, and they ran some tests and diagnosed him with sleep apnea. They told him he could stop breathing and die if he didn’t get a CPAP machine. He refuses to get one, though, because he doesn’t like the way they feel at night.

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Because of his selfishness, I’ve started sleeping in the den because I can’t sleep through the night if we’re in the same room. It’s so disturbing. He literally stops breathing for a minute or two at a time and then suddenly explodes with noise as all the air comes rushing back into his body. Our neighbors have told us they can hear it in the summer months, when their windows are open. Still, he won’t budge. He said if he dies, he dies.

I miss sleeping with my husband, but even more than that, I miss feeling like he cares. I am so frustrated by his unwillingness to do what he needs to do. I don’t know what I can do if he’s going to be stubborn like this. What do you think? —Wide Awake

Dear Wide Awake,

No doubt when your husband continues to not do what you and/ or the doctor have asked him to do, this can be extremely frustrating. I couldn’t help but notice you use the words “unwilling,” “stubborn,” and “selfish” to describe your husband. I also hear how distressed you feel because it seems like he doesn’t care. I imagine there are probably multiple things going on. From your description, he won’t deal with this health issue because it is more uncomfortable for him to wear the CPAP mask than to do something that could potentially save his life and improve the quality of your sleep (and, presumably, your relationship satisfaction).

In order to address your concerns, I want to disentangle these pieces a little. There are multiple things going on, and consequently different ways to approach solving this issue. First is the untreated sleep apnea and possible health-related consequences. This, unfortunately, is not an uncommon issue. Many who are prescribed a CPAP mask find it unpleasant and soon become noncompliant with wearing one, even despite stern warnings from their treating physician.

Consult with the Medical Team

Does the treating physician know about your husband’s noncompliance? What has the physician’s response been? Perhaps the health care team can help increase his openness to giving this another try, as they likely see this issue regularly and may be able to directly intervene.

I imagine your husband, at this point, knows very well that his snoring disturbs you (and the neighbors), but perhaps he does not fully realize you really miss sleeping in the same bed as him and feeling like he cares. Perhaps hearing this expressed explicitly may open up a new path for your conversations to take.

Education can be a strong component—for example, explaining exactly what his test results revealed (e.g., oxygen levels, prognosis if his sleep apnea is left untreated), or simply communicating to your husband that for many people with sleep apnea, it is normal to take time to adjust to the CPAP before it feels comfortable enough to not feel burdensome.

That said, educational approaches may not be enough to change his mind. Additionally, if you feel the medical team is not empathetic to your struggles, you may want to speak with a different provider. Finally, have you explored other options for sleep apnea management? There may be other devices or procedures that may be able to help.

The second issue to address is how his refusal is affecting you. It clearly impacts the quality of your sleep, both in terms of not being able to sleep through the night because of his loud snoring and because of the frustration you feel. It is also clear that physically relocating to get a restful night of sleep is not your ideal. And when he nonchalantly states, “If I die, I die,” this seems to evoke a host of negative emotions in you, including hurt, sadness, and perhaps rejection and resentment.

Tell Him How You Feel

I imagine you have told your husband many times how you feel about his snoring. I imagine you have told him many times he should be using his CPAP. You’ve surely reminded him what his doctor has to say on this topic. How have you communicated to him about your own experience with this issue? Have you told him about the emotional impact his words and actions (or lack thereof) have on you? If so, how have you communicated this?

The way we talk to others about the impact they have on us plays a large role in the success of this communication effort. For example, consider how each of these statements might sound: Stating to your spouse, “Because of your selfishness, I can’t sleep in my own bed,” compared with something like, “I feel frustrated because I feel like you haven’t heard my concerns” or “I feel hurt because it feels like my concerns are dismissed.” While all of these statements may be accurate, not all of them are likely to be heard the same way. I imagine your husband, at this point, knows very well that his snoring disturbs you (and the neighbors), but perhaps he does not fully realize you really miss sleeping in the same bed as him and feeling like he cares. Perhaps hearing this expressed explicitly may open up a new path for your conversations to take. Sometimes, taking a closer look at how we communicate key messages may uncover new approaches that ultimately yield a desired effect.

Lastly, you may find that additional support via therapy—with or without your husband present—may be useful to you to help manage frustration and continue to identify solutions. Good luck!

Marni Amsellem, PhD

In Western cultures, we tend to see romantic relationships as monogamous by default and any other relationship dynamic as a failure, especially if these relationships involve sexual or romantic activity outside of the relationship. However, monogamy is not the only relationship style that is functional, and there is an ever-increasing social awareness about consensually and ethically nonmonogamous relationships. Some of these are referred to as “polyamorous,” “open,” or “swinging” relationships, and are generally relationships in which more than two people are romantically and/or sexually involved.

Despite an increase in public awareness of nonmonogamy, there continues to be a stigma around it that is grounded in myths about the risks of including more than two people in a relationship. If you have ever considered a nonmonogamous relationship, read on to learn about some of the myths and facts about nonmonogamy, and why monogamy might not be the only way to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

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It is important to note that not all people want to engage in nonmonogamy, and not all people may stand to benefit from a nonmonogamous relationship style. This article aims to break down some of the stigma around nonmonogamy and provide a first step for those who might consider creating a nonmonogamous relationship for themselves.

Myth: Sexual behavior outside of a monogamous relationship is inherently damaging to a relationship.

Infidelity is a painful issue that affects many relationships. The outcomes range from the breakdown of trust, to the dissolution of an otherwise happy relationship, to an increase in the risk of sexually transmitted infections (Conley, et al., 2012). But what if infidelity was not a failing of the person who strayed or of the person who was cheated on, but rather a symptom of not being able to meet the standards set by monogamy?

Specifically, some people cheat on their partners because their sexual and emotional needs are not fully met by one partner, but they are still generally happy with the relationship and do not want it to end. In the course of a longer-term relationship, it may be impossible for two people to meet each other’s needs all of the time. In this case, nonmonogamy may be an opportunity for committed partners to explore how each person’s needs can be met and to create a relationship style that works for them. When outside partners are discussed and agreed upon and open communication is a priority for all involved, there is less room for infidelity.

Myth: Nonmonogamous relationships are less functional than monogamous relationships.

Given that most of us were raised to enter into monogamous relationships, breaking those barriers down and living in a different way can feel very uncomfortable. Nonmonogamous couples do tend to experience jealousy, fear of abandonment, and conflict as they establish boundaries and negotiate new relationship dynamics without role models to turn to (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). These issues can arise in monogamous relationships as well, and working through them can build a healthier relationship overall.

It is commonly assumed that nonmonogamous relationships are not as happy or healthy as monogamous relationships. Several decades of academic research have found that nonmonogamous relationships, on average, are just as functional as monogamous relationships (Knapp, 1976; Rubin, 1982; Watson, 1981) and that nonmonogamous marriages are as stable and content as monogamous marriages (Rubin & Adams, 1986). What makes or breaks a relationship is not exclusivity, but rather the ability of the partners involved to be honest, communicative, and self-aware of their needs and boundaries.

A good therapist can help you and you partners explore what kind of relationship dynamic will work best for everyone involved, how to navigate jealousy and fear of abandonment, how to negotiate boundaries and ensure all parties are treated fairly, and how to disclose to the important people in your life.

Myth: People who do not want to make monogamous commitments are abnormal.

With monogamy so pervasive, it may seem as though those who are nonmonogamous are somehow abnormal or unhealthy (Conley, et al., 2012). This myth seems to be tied to beliefs about infidelity and culturally developed ideas of how romantic and sexual needs should be fulfilled. The difference between infidelity and consensual nonmonogamy is the communication and awareness of all people involved. Many monogamous marriages experience infidelity, and the lies and betrayal associated with that infidelity can shake the foundations of trust in the relationship. For the partner who strayed, it can shake their sense of self-worth and leave them feeling as if they have failed at something that society suggests is a natural ability. For the partner who was cheated on, it can feel as if they have failed at meeting the needs of their partner, that they are undesirable, or abandoned.

The pressure of a culture that pushes monogamy as the ideal, healthy, or only relationship option excludes those who feel most comfortable with nonmonogamous relationships or whose needs are not exactly in line with their partners. The result is often infidelity, serial monogamy, and internalized shame.

Myth: Nonmonogamous relationships are more complicated than monogamous relationships.

As you might have guessed, inviting additional people into your relationship in any way can lead to some challenges, including jealousy, communication issues, fear of abandonment, guilt, and negotiating acceptable sexual or romantic behavior with multiple partners (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). Some polyamorous people find that the public stigma around nonmonogamy creates issues within their relationships, and they may struggle with disclosing to family members; having to hide their multiple partners due to perception, stigma, and concerns about discrimination; and a lack of legal protection regarding the custody of children (Cohen & Fevrier, 2017).

Despite these unique challenges, research shows that nonmonogamous people have highly secure bonds with their partners (Jenks, 1985), that female partners feel more free and unhindered by patriarchal expectations (Stelboum, 1999), and relationship satisfaction actually improves (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009). When nonmonogamous couples live with multiple partners, they report that their relationships benefit from shared household responsibility, parenting tasks, and financial contributions (Weitzman, Davidson, & Phillips, 2009).

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What If I Think I Might Want to Explore Nonmonogamy?

As nonmonogamy becomes increasingly common, there are growing numbers of resources available to people who may want to explore this as a relationship option. If you think nonmonogamy might be right for you, you can explore blogs and forums for polyamorous or nonmonogamous people. There are a few published book options as well, including The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. These books outline many of the skills you may need to cultivate to have strong, loving, nonmonogamous relationships.

Finally, look for a therapist who is open to, and affirmative of, nonmonogamous relationships. A good therapist can help you and you partners explore what kind of relationship dynamic will work best for everyone involved, how to navigate jealousy and fear of abandonment, how to negotiate boundaries and ensure all parties are treated fairly, and how to disclose to the important people in your life.

References:

1. Cohen, M. T., & Fevrier, S. S. (2017). Historical, biological, social, cultural, and psychological aspects of non-traditional arrangements: Understanding consensual non-monogamy. In N. Silton (Ed.), Family Dynamics and Romantic Relationships in a Changing Society (pp. 28-46). Hershey, PA: IGI Global.
2. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2012). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13, 1-30.
3. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Ziegler, A., Karathanasis, C. (2012). Unfaithful individuals are less likely to practice safer sex than openly nonmonogamous individuals. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(6), 1559-1565.
4. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures. Berkley, CA: Celestial Arts.
5. Knapp, J. J. (1976). An exploratory study of seventeen sexually open marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 12, 206-219.
6. Jenks, R. J. (1985). A comparative study of swingers and nonswingers: Attitudes and beliefs. Lifestyles: A Journal of Changing Patterns, 8(1), 5-20.
7. Rubin, A. M. (1982). Sexually open versus sexually exclusive marriage: A comparison of dyadic adjustment. Alternative Lifestyles, 5(2), 101-106.
8. Rubin, A. M., & Adams, J. R. (1986). Outcomes of sexually open marriages. The Journal of Sex Research, 22(3), 311-319.
9. Shelboum, J. P. (1999). Patriarchal monogamy. In Munson, Marcia, and Stelboum (Eds.). The lesbian polyamory reader: open relationships, non-monogamy, and casual sex. New York: Haworth Press.
10. Tamar Cohen, M., & Fevrier, S. S. (2017). Historical, biological, social, cultural, and psychological aspects of non-traditional arrangements: Understanding consensual nonmonogamy. Family Dynamics and Romantic Relationships in a Changing Society.
11. Watson, M. A. (1981). Sexually open marriage: Three perspectives. Alternative Lifestyles, 4(1), 3-21.
12. Weitzman, G., Davidson, J., & Phillips, R. A. (2009). What psychology professionals should know about polyamory. Baltimore, MD: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Inc.

If asked what organ in the body is most instrumental for love and connection, what comes up? Do you automatically think brain?

Well, you should.

The brain may be the most exciting organ in the body. The 3 pounds of gelatinous tissue that resides in the skull is vital to how we love. As it turns out, the brain is an extremely social organ. Research in the field of neuropsychology sheds light on just how social our brains are in creating connections with others.

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The brain is shaped by love and flourishes in social connection. Our early relationships create attachment bonds that help wire our brains. During the first few years of life, our emotional interactions with parents or primary caregivers stimulate a multitude of neurochemical processes that increase nerve growth and connectivity. The brain contains about 100 billion nerve cells, or neurons, that communicate with each other by firing chemical and electrical signals. The more frequently these neurons communicate with each other, the stronger the connections become.

The brain’s growth and development is enhanced by emotional interaction. From about the age of 4 months to 6 months, a child begins to pick up on social cues from their mother or primary caregiver. Loving social engagement is crucial in our early years and is important in maintaining a secure attachment. Without these vital social interactions with loved ones, the right side of the brain—the core place for processing emotion, both verbal and nonverbal cues (such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and emotional response)—is deprived.

Babies are sensitive and begin the process of communicating before they can talk. Our mother’s or primary caregiver’s delight (or lack of it) communicates a strong message. Over time, these messages are encoded in our brains and create a neural template for future relationships.

Positive models for love and interactions create secure and loving bonds. These bonds serve as internal models that shape and influence adult love attachments. Negative models or lack of healthy models for love and interaction create insecure bonds that can also influence future love relationships.

The Role of Chemical Reactions in the Brain

These early social interactions help wire our brains via chemical reactions. One key chemical, oxytocin, may hold deeper insight into our relationships. Oxytocin is both a hormone and a chemical messenger, called a neurotransmitter. It is produced in the hypothalamus and secreted and transported by the pituitary gland. In recent years, oxytocin has been referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone,” as it helps to create robust bonds between mothers and babies, as well as adults.

In adult relationships, oxytocin can play a significant role in enhancing love and connection. It is not usually a topic for romantic conversations; however, understanding the role it plays can do a lot to ignite feelings of affection and greater empathy in a relationship.

Everyone has oxytocin, though studies show it is usually higher in females. Males have higher levels of a similar chemical called vasopressin. Scientists have been aware for some time that oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and orgasm. More recent research focusing on the oxytocin system, however, provides evidence in both humans and animals that interacting with one’s partner or offspring can influence oxytocin transmission. This, in turn, promotes behaviors that further bonding, social interaction, and emotional well-being.

In adult relationships, oxytocin can play a significant role in enhancing love and connection. It is not usually a topic for romantic conversations; however, understanding the role it plays can do a lot to ignite feelings of affection and greater empathy in a relationship.

Here are two simple ways to wire your brain for greater love and connection:

1. Think Positively About Your Spouse or Partner

Thinking about your spouse or partner in positive ways can spark this chemical reaction, causing you to feel good. It can also help you to be more empathic and understanding. In my work with couples, I often have them do an assignment that helps them in this process. I have them actively work on thinking about good and positive traits, characteristics, and experiences involving their loved ones. It serves two purposes: One, it helps release oxytocin. Second, it helps to rewire their brain so better thoughts override negative ones. If you feel you are too stuck in old patterns to think well of your spouse or partner, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional.

2. Hold Hands (or Better Yet, Cuddle!)

They don’t call oxytocin the cuddle or love hormone for nothing. Research has demonstrated that being physically close or holding hands can release oxytocin. In my office, I often have couples hold hands, embrace, or gaze into each other’s eyes. This is risky for some, but the outcome is worth it. These simple acts help to retune each other’s nervous systems. It also helps to improve trust, empathy, and comfort. You may want to try it.

All healthy relationships take time, energy, and effort. If you long for a good one, you will want to invest emotion, affection, and heart. Audrey Hepburn said it well: “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”

References:

1. Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense. Little, Brown and Company. New York: NY.
2. MacGill, M. (2017). Oxytocin: The love hormone? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795.php#oxytocin%20the_love_hormone
3. Uchino, B., & Way, B. (2017). Integrative pathways linking close family ties to health: A neurochemical perspective. American Psychologist, 72, No. 6, 590-600.

It is quite common to fall in love with someone who possesses qualities that balance out your own. The phrase “opposites attract” describes exactly that. There are many ways in which being in a relationship with someone different is helpful. Messy people can be motivated by their cleaner counterparts, and the chronically late are often kept on schedule by their timely partners. What happens, though, when the difference between partners goes beyond a personality quirk and becomes a significant mental health concern?

Social anxiety is a condition defined by an intense aversion to social situations due to fear of being judged or rejected. People with social anxiety have difficulty controlling their worry about how others perceive them and, as a result, often avoid social situations. When social situations are unavoidable, they experience high levels of stress and anxiety, even panic attacks. Sometimes people who have social anxiety are viewed, inaccurately, as unfriendly or antisocial because of their difficulty socializing.

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Depending on the severity of the social anxiety, the symptoms can take a toll on a relationship. Conflicts can arise from the various areas of life that the anxiety is affecting. Feelings of resentment arise when parties and events for couples are missed. Partners find themselves arguing about spending time with family, especially over holidays when more family members tend to congregate. Annoyance builds when work functions for couples are missed. Work events such as these are opportunities for networking and potential advancement, but may be a nightmare to the anxious partner.

Conflicts stem not only from the need to engage with friends, family, and coworkers, but also from the need to engage with each other. Performers and sports players feel unsupported when their partner is unable to show for their events; the crowds and potential for socializing might be too overwhelming. Social anxiety can force one partner to be responsible for most or all social situations, especially when the couple has kids.

As with all mental health issues, social anxiety has the potential to disrupt and negatively impact even the strongest marriages. It is possible to work together to avoid letting social anxiety ruin a relationship. Here are four ways to avoid letting social anxiety strain your relationship:

1. Communicate and Validate

Being honest about what the anxiety feels like, its triggers, and how it impacts the ability to function in social situations is crucial to gaining support.

Communication is one of the most important ways to maintain a healthy relationship. In marriages where social anxiety is present, it is even more so. Being honest about what the anxiety feels like, its triggers, and how it impacts the ability to function in social situations is crucial to gaining support. When anxiety symptoms are kept secret or hidden, they often manifest as irritability, anger, and irrational thinking. When this is the case, it is typically not clear what is causing these symptoms and leading to arguments and misunderstanding. Having the ability to say, “I am feeling very anxious about meeting your coworkers” is much more likely to gain support from a partner. In addition, talking about your feelings can lead to a reduction in symptoms. This communication also creates opportunities for both partners to express understanding of the other’s feelings and provide much-needed validation of their experiences.

2. Compromise

When communication and validation occur, it is easier to compromise and find a solution to meet the needs of both partners. Perhaps your partner realizes you don’t need to come to their work function after all or agrees you need to attend only one holiday party with the in-laws, not three. There are ways for both parties to feel heard and supported when compromise occurs.

3. Plan

When social occasions are unavoidable, or you compromise and attend your partner’s event, you can mentally prepare yourself to make the experience less painful. Use your phone as your lifeline! Make a list on your phone of five ways to calm your body when the symptoms begin so they don’t escalate. Make another list with possible topics to talk about in case your anxiety shuts down your conversation skills. Identify where you can go for “time-outs” throughout the event to recharge. You can also come up with an emergency exit plan if all else fails. Hopefully you won’t need it, and just knowing you have one may be enough to prevent you from using it.

4. Get Help

Finding a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety is invaluable. By learning to identify and cope with your triggers as an individual, you are making an investment in yourself as well as an effort for your partner.

Sensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, is a technique that has been used by sex therapists for many years to help couples and individuals overcome a range of sexual difficulties. Sensate focus exercises work best when engaged in with the guidance of a therapist. However, trying the exercises on one’s own can be a great place to start, if one feels safe and secure in doing so.

Sensate focus can be considered “mindfulness for touch.” A mindfulness practice involves meditation, or intentional focusing on something specific. Sensate focus is “mindfulness for touch” because it is an intentional focus on touch, without expectations, judgment, or pressure. Sensate focus can teach a person how to be in their body experiencing, rather than in their head “spectatoring.” Spectatoring is a normal function of an active mind; however, it inhibits arousal and orgasm, which is problematic. Let’s look at two examples of spectatoring.

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Petra

Petra is generally satisfied with her body and enjoys sex with her partner. However, when receiving oral sex, despite her best intentions, her mind starts to wander: “Did I send that email? … I need to remember to call her tomorrow … oh no, I’m distracted. … My partner is trying so hard, but I don’t know if I can climax …” and on it goes. For Petra, these distracting thoughts come in many forms, depending on the day. She sometimes has thoughts related to personal insecurities; work, family, and relationship stresses; to-do lists; worry about her partner’s experience; and more. This is spectatoring. Rather than being in her body experiencing the sensations, Petra gets in her head and becomes a spectator of what’s happening in her body. As a result, she doesn’t fully enjoy the experience and struggles to orgasm from oral sex.

Petra’s mind is acting exactly as it was intended; she’s not doing anything wrong. The human mind evolved to actively juggle multiple things at once and continuously scan internally and externally to identify what needs attention. Sensate focus is designed to give the active mind something compelling on which to focus during sex so it won’t need to wander. Let’s look at another example.

Tal

Tal generally enjoys connecting sexually with his partner; however, he sometimes has distracting thoughts during intercourse, such as: “She looks tired; maybe she wants me to stop. … Should I switch positions? … But I don’t want to risk losing my erection.” Tal’s spectatoring, like that of many people, is fueled by underlying fears of inadequacy and rejection. When these fears take hold, it is understandable he has difficulty orgasming before starting to lose his erection. Let’s look at a third example in which sensate focus can help.

Cherise and An

Cherise and An are a lesbian couple whose sex has lost its luster. They’ve tried different ways to spice it up, such as watching porn before sex, wearing sexy outfits, and even role play. Some of these activities have been fun, but in the end, they still feel dissatisfied and disconnected during and after sex. Cherise and An realize they have lost touch with their own and each other’s bodies. Sensate focus will help them reconnect with each other in an intentional and intimate way.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour. It is recommended to start with 10 minutes for solo sensate focus and 20 minutes for partnered sensate focus. Do only one phase per session, and leave at least a day to process the experience in between sessions. Aim to spend at least two weeks in each phase, or more if needed to ensure one feels comfortable. These exercises can be done one to three times per week, depending on one’s needs and capacity. Sensate focus should be done separately from usual sexual intimacy.

Sensate focus is a series of intimate touch exercises that teach one how to be fully in the body during sex. The exercises can be done solo or with a partner and can last from 10 minutes to one hour.

Non-Demand Touching

Sensate uses non-demand touching, which means you are touching with no particular outcome or expectation in mind. This is different from sexual foreplay. You are not trying to arouse the other person or even to pleasure them. You are touching for yourself, with a sense of curiosity and exploration about your partner’s (or your own) body. Allow yourself to experience and enjoy touch for the sake of touch. Pay attention to the following aspects of the touch: temperature (warm/cool), pressure (hard/soft), and texture (smooth/rough).

Preparations

Sensate focus sessions should be scheduled ahead of time to allow for mental and physical preparation. Consider what will help you get in the mood for intimate touch. It’s important to minimize distractions and engage the senses. Removing distractions can include locking the bedroom door, taking time to unwind beforehand, and ensuring chores are completed. To engage the senses, you may use sensual music (without lyrics), scented candles, satin fabric, or lotions.

Phases

• Phase 1: Take turns touching, kissing, and stroking anywhere on your partner’s body (or your own for solo) except genitals and breasts. For partnered sensate focus: partner one touches for 10 (or more) minutes, then partner two touches for 10 (or more) minutes. Avoid touch that leads to orgasm and intercourse until phase 4.
• Phase 2: Same as phase 1, except that genitals and breasts can be included.
• Phase 3 (partnered sensate focus only): Engage in mutual touching, kissing, and stroking of each other’s bodies simultaneously. Start with phase 1 touching, then progress to phase 2. Avoid touching that leads to orgasm and intercourse.
• Phase 4: Proceed through phases 1 through 3, then move into a position as if you’re going to have intercourse, or masturbate for solo sensate focus. Move and rub your bodies against each other. Avoid intercourse or touching that will lead to orgasm until having completed one or two sessions of phase 4.

Conclusion

Sensate focus has been used by sex therapists for over 50 years to help people overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction and deepen their sexual experience. Sensate focus, or “mindfulness for touch,” teaches people how to get out of their heads and into their bodies during sexual experiences, using progressive intimacy exercises with non-demand touching.

References:

1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
2. McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality, 5^th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
3. Siegel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
4. Weiner, L., & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual. New York, NY: Routledge.