Partnering for life takes dedication. Almost everyone would agree that trust and commitment are needed for every healthy relationship to flourish. But what are some of the other essential characteristics for a mutually fulfilling and loving partnership?

People who are in relationships or who desire to find lasting love might wonder, what is it that makes love last? How do some marriages or partnerships survive and thrive while others plunge and dive? Emotionally intelligent couples seem to be on to something. But what specifically are they doing to strengthen and develop their relationships?

What Is Love?

The word “love” may bring to mind a variety of thoughts and feelings. These ideas may differ from person to person. So what does love actually mean?

When it comes to the study of love, the English language can be somewhat limiting in its definition. Ancient Greek provides a much richer understanding of the many dimensions of love. In Ancient Greek, there are many different words for love. For the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on three words: éros, philia, and storgē. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

• Eros describes intimate, passionate, or sexual type of love. This type of love is the most similar to our current idea of romantic love.
• Philia is an affectionate regard, like that of a deep friendship. Associated with companionship, trust, and dependability, it refers to shared good will toward another person.
• StorgÄ“ refers to familial love. It often refers to the love demonstrated between parents and their children, but it can also describe the love between romantic partners. It is a natural feeling a person holds for someone (or something) close to them that they feel good about.

Emotional Intelligence

It is generally the case that couples with thriving, strong relationships have well-developed emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence describes a person’s ability to be aware of, control, and express emotions in a healthy manner. In other words, it is the capacity to handle relationships appropriately and empathetically. In a partnership, emotional intelligence translates into the ability to be in touch with your own emotions as well as those of your partner.

A person’s capacity for empathy and ability to talk about emotions in a healthy and loving way are both components of emotional intelligence. In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be seen in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

The following are eight key areas where emotionally intelligent couples practice loving well.

1. Friendship

At the core of a good relationship is friendship. Emotionally intelligent couples stand the test of time because they are friends who support and care for each other. They share a bond of mutual affection. They know each other’s internal world and understand each other’s likes and dislikes. They are companions and confidants.

2. Deep respect

Emotionally intelligent couples respect each other and have feelings of deep admiration toward each other. They are able to honor their partner and their needs and wishes and hold them in high regard or esteem. Partners generally think very well of each other and can each appreciate the unique qualities, achievements, or abilities of the other. They demonstrate on a regular basis that they appreciate one another, both verbally and nonverbally.

3. Communication

In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be exhibited in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.

Couples who are able to communicate their thoughts, needs, and feelings in a healthy way are more likely to have a thriving relationship than couples who have difficulty with communication. Their conversations don’t regularly display signs of criticism or contempt, and they typically do not start off abruptly.

Dr. John Gottman found, while conducting research on couples, that conversations generally end poorly when they start out harshly. In fact, the first three minutes of a conversation often determine its outcome. Emotionally intelligent couples generally speak to one another in a respectful manner, conveying this respect through tone, intonation, and intent.

4. Conflict management

Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.

5. Encouraging the relationship

Emotionally intelligent couples encourage the relationship, through understanding of their identity as a couple in addition to their separate identities as individuals. They feel confident in their respective roles and in the partnership itself. They are for the relationship. They don’t threaten it by saying things like, “I want a divorce,” or “I am going to leave you.” Instead, they talk about problems that arise, as they arise. If the problems are too difficult to solve on their own, they seek help from a professional.

6. Exercising healthy boundaries

Couples who thrive exercise clear boundaries, especially when dealing with other relationships. They recognize the slippery slope of infidelity and don’t create space for emotional or physical affairs to happen. They utilize what the late Dr. Shirley Glass illustrates on in her research on infidelity. Whether they recognize it or not, they view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. Together, they construct a wall that shields them from forces that have the power to separate them or otherwise challenged the relationship. In order to keep their relationship a priority, they exercise a united front.

7. Being aware of meaning, value, and purpose

Emotionally intelligent couples are aware of what is meaningful to each other. This might translate into understanding what motivates the other in life and what they are passionate about, such as their dreams, goals, or values. Couples who thrive support each other’s endeavors to have a meaningful and purposeful life—both individually and together.

8. Sharing life

Couples who thrive share their lives. They find ways of connecting on a regular basis. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are mindful of staying connected and turning toward their partner. They have at least a few common interests or shared activities, and they take time to recreate together. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

Making love last takes dedication and commitment, but it is certainly possible to do so. Being mindful of the ways to practice éros, philia and storgē love can help you make love last in all areas of your life. [amazon_affiliate]

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, or want help developing emotional intelligence with your partner, consider reaching out to a trained couples counselor today.

References:

1. Lewis, C. S. (1960). The four loves. New York, NY: Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, Publishers.
2. Glass, S. P. (2004). Not “just friends:” Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
3. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Relationships can be a lot of fun, but they may also be challenging and require work at times. When we meet someone and fall in love, we tend to see only their endearing qualities. After the honeymoon phase is over, some of the things that may have drawn us to them may begin to irritate us instead. We may find ourselves venturing outside our relationship to get certain needs met.

Maintaining and growing a relationship is not easy. We need to continually invest time and energy to keep it going strong. Finding new ways to nurture the relationship or get it back on track can be difficult on our own. We can get stuck in unhelpful patterns or simply not know the best way forward.

Here are some ways couples counseling can help:

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1. Understanding your partner better. We all have different styles of interacting with others, and yours may differ from your partner’s. If you are operating on different wavelengths, getting your needs met in the relationship may be challenging. A counselor can work with you to recognize and overcome natural differences. Learning about how your partner engages with the world (and why they engage the way they do) can help you develop empathy for them. Empathy is key to relationship success.
2. Improving your communication skills. One of the common misconceptions in relationships is when one partner believes the other should automatically know what they want or need from them. Learning to communicate openly and clearly in therapy about your emotional needs can help to enhance your connection.
3. Discovering ways to have constructive (rather than destructive) arguments. There can be lasting damage when relationship conflict gets out of hand. If anger is not kept under control, it can lead to contempt, resentment, blaming, yelling, name-calling, even domestic violence in extreme cases. In counseling, you can become aware of more productive ways to listen to one another and be heard. Learning anger management skills, effective time-out techniques, and how to use I-statements to express feelings can lead to an increase in respect and satisfaction.
   In counseling, you can become aware of more productive ways to listen to one another and be heard.
4. Addressing underlying issues that may be negatively impacting the relationship. If one person in the relationship has issues that are affecting their well-being, chances are their partner is experiencing tension and/or stress. Talking through these issues in couples counseling can be helpful. In some instances, the counselor may recommend individual therapy for one or both partners (with a different therapist).
5. Finding new ways to connect and build intimacy. At times, relationships may become entrenched in routines and responsibilities. Couples with children may start to view one another only in their roles as parents, rather than as romantic partners. Others may begin to take things for granted and stop nurturing their relationship. A therapist can offer strategies for reconnecting on an emotional level and rekindling passion and intimacy.
6. Rebuilding trust in the relationship. If there has been infidelity or betrayal but the couple is willing to work on the relationship, a counselor can help them to explore any underlying issues that may have led to the problem. Partners can safely express their fears and concerns, and they can work together with the nonjudgmental therapist to rebuild trust.
7. Determining whether to stay in the relationship. Some challenges may simply be too daunting. Only you and your partner can decide that. If both partners are willing to work at it, a therapist will hold space for the promise of your relationship. If, however, one or both partners are determined to end the relationship, a counselor can help find an amicable way to handle the breakup or separation/divorce.

All relationships go through difficult times and can benefit from couples counseling. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and understood by our partners. We all want to make a good thing better. If your relationship feels off course or could simply use some fine-tuning, give couples counseling a try.

What do you to when one person wants to leave their marriage and the other person wants to keep working on it?

The would-be marriage leaver may have limited motivation to work on the relationship. They may complain that therapy is “too little, too late.” The marriage may no longer fit who they’ve become. Over time, a traditional marriage can feel like the wrong container for one or both members of a couple. Sometimes marriages adjust to allow for new desires and needs. Sometimes the infrastructure fragments, unable to adapt to change.

For the partner fighting for the marriage, fear and loss may loom large. They’ve built a relationship with their partner — possibly over many years. They rely on it for comfort, connection, stability, and a sense of belonging. The relationship is home. Who would choose to be homeless? For partners in this position, the relationship may have been taken for granted. It can feel like an essential requirement for their very existence, like gravity or oxygen. It’s what keeps them rooted, what allows them to go about their life with confidence and certainty.

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The partner fighting for the marriage may struggle to see the other person’s perspective. This is a time of powerful emotions. It’s hard to comprehend the reasoning of the partner who wants out. Many who leave still love their partners, even if the love has lost its erotic charge or emotional heat. For others who leave, there may be toxic secrets or an affair lurking in the background.

Wanting to leave the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no appreciation for what’s been created, but it may mean something else has become a priority. Rarely is wanting to leave an intentional act of aggression or cruelty, though it can wreak havoc on peace of mind and well-being, particularly during the uncertain transition phase.

For the leaver, wanting to leave may be their attempt at psychological survival. What they need to feel connected to their life force may not seem to exist within the relationship. This realization may create a painful dissonance which the person hopes to resolve through separation or divorce.

The would-be marriage leaver may be rash in their decisions. They may not make space for the scope of their partner’s emotional and psychological disorientation. The experience of the person fighting for the marriage may well be the polar opposite of theirs. Where the person wanting out is eager to see what it feels like to fly solo, the other partner may feel like they’re being forced to untether their life line from the mothership. The person wanting out seems to be saying, “You’ll be okay” and waving at them from a distant window.

The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account.

Terrified and panicked, the partner who wants to preserve the marriage may feel as if they’re drifting into an existential abyss. The assurances they sometimes hear from their partners in these situations can ring hollow and opportunistic. “You deserve real love.” “You’ll find someone who can give you more than I can give you.” It’s better to allow the bereft partner to arrive at their own silver linings and keep these philosophical observations to oneself.

It’s rarely easy or smooth for couples who have different commitment levels to their marriage. The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account. Different levels of commitment create a power imbalance in a relationship. Talking about it vulnerably and openly may remind you that you’re figuring things out as a team. Active, thoughtful, respectful communication will minimize impulsive actions and destructive reactions.

The partner seeking to preserve the marriage can:

1. Find the right group/community support through workshops, programs, retreats, or special interests and activities.
2. Make daily time and space for embodying and expressing feelings through dance, art, or outdoor activities such as hiking or exercise.
3. Practice taking responsibility for their 50% of the marital relationship issues through journaling and self-inquiry exercises.
4. Negotiate the physical and emotional boundaries that will help them feel grounded.

The partner who wants to leave the marriage can:

1. Take responsibility for their 50% of the relationship issues.
2. Give the transition process the time it deserves.
3. Honor their partner and their boundaries, allowing for honest, non-defensive communication.
4. Plug into community support.

It can help to establish a time frame and ground rules for the transition process when renegotiating a marriage. This may mean no dating, no solo vacations, and no major solo expenditures. Agreeing on boundaries that fit your living situation, finances, and when and what to tell family members and children may minimize conflicts.

A couple working through differing levels of commitment may need to establish safe and respectful methods for checking in and sharing feelings and challenges. This is not a time to go it alone, although you may not be able to lean on each other in the ways you’re used to. Consider hiring a counselor, mediator, financial adviser, attorney, and/or other guide to help support you.

We seem to have a love-hate relationship with intimacy. We say we want intimate connection, yet we create blocks to receiving it. We struggle to share the deepest parts of ourselves despite wanting our partners to see, hear, and know us.

The quality of our intimacy can mirror relationship problems, but often it reflects our conflict with intimacy itself. How do we reconcile wanting intimacy while fearing it?

First, let’s better understand intimacy. Intimate moments happen when we share our innermost selves—thoughts, feelings, desires, longings, wounds, dreams, faults, and more—with another person. The word intimacy has often been pronounced “into me, you see.”

In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, PhD acknowledges that our ultimate quest for intimacy is the search for love and we cannot be fully loved until we are fully known. To be fully known requires that we not only share our similarities with our partners, but also our differences.

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So, based on this, intimacy looks like this: In order to be intimate with you, I have to be willing to let you fully know me. If I let you fully know me, I risk losing you. I risk your rejection. I risk your abandonment. I risk you suffocating me. I risk your envelopment of me. I risk you knowing too much about me. I risk.

Then we have Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, which tells us that passion, intimacy, and commitment make for loving relationships. Sternberg further states intimacy helps couples establish a sense of security.

How can something that feels so scary and risky bring safety and security? This is the paradox of intimate connection. While it feels risky, it often brings couples closer. It helps couples establish connection, fulfillment, and meaning.

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In their book Couples in Treatment, Gerald R. Weeks and Stephen T. Fife note four major fears that accompany intimacy. These include:

• Loss of self (dependence): Do you fear that if you fully reveal yourself, you will have somehow given up parts of yourself you wanted to keep private? Or that if you share too much, you somehow become boundary-less? While it may seem full disclosure leaves no boundary, it is through the process of revealing differences that boundaries become clearer. Disclosure can mark where your partner ends and where you begin.
• Loss of other (abandonment): This loss is most commonly reported. If you share too much or differ too much, your partner might disapprove of you, reject you, or abandon you. Rejection can be one of the most painful human experiences.
• Fear of emotions (anger and sadness): Anger and sadness bring extraordinary discomfort. Your expression of anger and/or sadness can create conflict with your partner. If you typically avoid conflict, you may tend to ignore these feelings and brush them under the rug.
• Fear of exposure: Intimate moments can leave you feeling “naked.” Our greatest fear lies in showing ourselves fully and not being loved for who we are.

So how do you develop a rich intimate life when intimacy feels so scary?

Step 1: Understand the Paradox

You may opt to not “rock the boat,” not “ruffle feathers,” or simply not reveal all of you. You may avoid, withhold, and spare your partner your true thoughts and feelings. It may feel counterintuitive to do otherwise. But research shows us the most robust intimate relationships involve high levels of vulnerability. Understand that intimacy is paradoxical. What feels scary has the greatest potential to bring you closer.

Step 2: Practice Courage

Great relationships require you to practice courageous intimacy. Since vulnerability feels uncomfortable and scary, you must exercise courage. Use your courage to propel you into conversations and/or actions that you might otherwise dismiss or withhold.

Step 3: Let Go of the Outcome

Intimacy requires you to let go of control. You want to be loved, but you cannot control whether someone loves you. You can control only you. You can be only you. Let go. This may be the greatest gift you can give your partner and, more importantly, yourself.

Intimacy can feel like a spiritual experience, tapping into a complex tapestry of our human existence. It can include extraordinary moments of deep connection along with experiences of profound, painful loss. Intimacy is the breath and life of all healthy relationships. It becomes the fertile ground for true love to flourish.

To learn ways to build intimacy in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Schnarch, D. (2009). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York, NY: W.W, Norton & Company, Inc.
2. Weeks, G.R., & Fife, S.T. (2014). Couples in treatment: Techniques and approaches for effective practice. New York, NY: Routledge.

Therapists used to reserve the term “trauma” to describe events like war, rape, and life-threatening experiences. We now recognize that people can have similar responses to relational traumas. When one partner engages in behaviors such as infidelity or addictive behaviors, leaving their partner feeling betrayed and abandoned, the hurt partner can experience trauma-related symptoms. They may experience shame, worthlessness, withdrawal, paranoia, obsessive thoughts about the betrayal, and thoughts of self-harm.

I find that often, couples minimize, dismiss, or misinterpret these symptoms, making healing and reconnection difficult. The hurt partner may wonder, “Are you doing this to me again?” This fear can turn into an array of behaviors: accusations, interrogations, questions, and looking into their partner’s emails, phones, and computers for evidence of deceitful or hurtful behavior. They may even conclude “I can never trust you again” or “You are incapable of changing” when they feel overwhelmed.

For the offending partner, this can be a defeating experience. Maybe they truly have ended the hurtful behavior. Maybe they are working on an effective recovery and have achieved a significant period of sobriety. Maybe they have ended an affair and fessed up to their deceit.

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Even with all of this, their partner may be vigilant and untrusting. The offending partner may get frustrated when the other continues to bring up old hurts or dig for evidence of expected poor behavior. Frustration can turn to anger and resentment: “My partner will never trust me again.” “Why can’t they just move on?”

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Reliving the Pain

Let me illustrate with a hypothetical example. Jenny and Stan came to couples therapy to heal from the hurts of his addictive behaviors. Stan had been in recovery for almost a year, diligently working his recovery program and making significant progress. They felt hopeful about their healing as a couple and at times have felt closer than they ever did before his addictive behaviors escalated.

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Therefore, they were both surprised when what seemed like a small event turned into a standoff that reminded them of the chaotic days when Stan was active in his addiction. They explained how Stan got stuck in a meeting, forgot to call Jenny, and came home two hours later than expected. Jenny described how, when Stan apologized and gave his excuses for why he was so late, that moment felt like the moments in the past when he would lie to her to cover up his addictive behaviors. She felt the same feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and uncertainty.

Stan was upset, too. He described how overwhelmed and angry he felt seeing Jenny’s reaction. Even though he was truthful in his reasons for being late, he was facing those same harsh responses from Jenny. She was accusatory and untrusting, despite all his progress. In our session, they both reported feeling they were “back to square one” and “could not be together if it was going to be like this.”

Recognizing the Trauma Response

When couples recognize the trauma response that was triggered, they can start to respond to those moments in transformative ways. They can appropriately tune in to each other. They can see that “the problem” is not necessarily their partner’s inability to be trustworthy. “The problem” is not the hurt partner’s inability to move on. “The problem” is the disconnect that happens when the pain of the past is triggered in both partners.

Stan and Jenny faced a normal, yet pivotal moment when he was late. How they learned to respond in those moments determined the pace of their healing. If Stan responded to Jenny with “You need to get over this,” she would have been left to manage her trauma response alone, further dividing the relationship. However, if Stan became a safe place for her to experience her trauma response, they could learn to connect in ways that are imperative for the healing process. In these moments, couples can strengthen their bond and attachment.

When the pain of old hurts gets triggered, it is no longer “Here we go again,” but rather, “Of course you feel this way sometimes. I’m in it with you. You are not alone in this.” The offending partner can respond to the hurt partner’s moment of panic with understanding and comfort. This shift allows them to move out of a defensive stance of “This isn’t going to work if you are never going to trust me” and into a comforting stance of “I’m so sorry this is scary for you right now. What can I do to help?”

The hurt partner can recognize their emotions as a traumatic response. They can start to notice the difference between “You are untrustworthy” and “I’m feeling that anxiety and panic again, like I’m scared you are going to hurt me again. In these moments, I really need you to be with me, reassure me, understand my pain, hear me,” etc.

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Building Trust and Connection

These triggering moments turn into opportunities for true healing and transformative connection. This is when couples take the pain of incredible hurts and use it to connect in ways that create security and safety. These triggering moments, when handled with care, become the foundation of rebuilding trust. They are not moments to be feared and avoided, but rather moments to be valued for the closeness they can bring. The relationship not only becomes a safe place to find relief but also a protection against the stress that trauma can bring.

If relational traumas are coming between you and your partner, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Carnes, S., Lee, M. A., & Rodriguez, A. D. (2012). Facing heartbreak: Steps to recovery for partners of sex addicts. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
2. Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.

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For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.

This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.

What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? —Out of Touch

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Out of Touch,

Thank you for your note. While I’m not sure how “some men” are, I know how this man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.

It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.

I was struck by your comment that “it doesn’t feel right to ask him” about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you’re wrecking the “honeymoon,” but I don’t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.

One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, “So what’s the deal here? Think I got cooties?” At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, “Listen, this is awkward and I don’t mean to rain on our parade, but I’ve noticed you tend to pull away when we’re close, and it’s confusing me.”

You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, “I find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,” or, “I really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don’t,” and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.

I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn’t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.

I can’t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting—perhaps even cold or rejecting, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn’t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related—and that would be my guess as well—it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.

It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how he responds.

All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the cliché goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.

If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, “Yes, I can see how that’s awkward or hard to understand for you.” The yellow or red flag would be, “Why are you bringing this up? There’s nothing to see here.”

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters, along with the degree to which each person emotionally “hears” the other.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he’d be relieved at your courage, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.

Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the “good stuff”—such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on—could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor who can help facilitate things.

Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.

All the best,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Are you feeling hopeless about your relationship? Has your marriage devolved into a manipulative game of tit for tat? Or perhaps you’ve both withdrawn and haven’t had a meaningful exchange in years. In any case, if you’re reading this, you probably wish you could get back that lovin’ feeling.

You’re tired of marital frustration. You’ve suffered long enough. You could probably benefit from couples counseling.

Divorces sometimes happen when a couple hits a rough patch. Some are healthy, good, appropriate divorces. But many are unnecessary responses to temporary, treatable problems. Marriages go through different phases. If a couple splits too quickly or easily, they miss the growth opportunity that is built into conflict.

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Marital distress can be excruciatingly painful. So can cranking up your old eHarmony subscription. And living separately from your children. And starting over with someone new only to find old patterns showing up.

An honest conversation is key to rebuilding your relationship. A qualified couples counselor can help you to have that conversation. You can maximize the benefits of therapy by being a wise consumer. Here are some suggestions:

1. Search inside yourself first. Are you willing to do this work? Look at your motives. Do you want to make things better or do you want to check off the box that says, “We tried therapy and it didn’t work”? Make a conscious decision to be rigorously honest as you do the challenging work of relationship rebuilding.
2. Tell your spouse that you want to work on your marriage. Show your own hand first. Share your vulnerability. Disclose your wish for your intimate connection to be stronger. Then ask your partner how they feel about the issue and if they are willing to participate in the therapy.
3. Work collaboratively with your spouse regarding the selection of a therapist. I suggest you agree beforehand on a process of selecting a therapist. Do some research. Ask questions. One of you will make the phone calls, but it is important that you both agree that the person you work with is the right person. One “no” vote wins and you keep looking.
4. Choose a well-trained couples therapy specialist with whom you both feel comfortable. Interview at least two or three. A competent couples therapist (1) is trained in specific interventions that will interrupt destructive patterns; (2) is directive, a strong leader who will intervene rather than watch you argue; and (3) won’t sugarcoat the truth, but will guide you to a new way of being relational.
5. Be aware of the pitfalls of individual therapy for couples issues. When calling around, ask if the therapist is “marriage friendly” or if they are neutral about the institution. An individual therapist only hears one side; they need to understand the bigger picture of your relationship. Make sure your counselor’s biases line up with your own.
6. Set limits with friends. In some situations, it is appropriate and necessary to work on boundaries with friends and family members. Ask them to support you in ways that are truly supportive. Tell them that you want to fight for your marriage. Teach them how they can help you at this difficult time. Tell them it’s not helpful to predict that your life will be better without your spouse. If you’ve badmouthed your spouse to friends and family, apologize to them for the inappropriate disclosures.
7. Be honest. If you are certain you will end the relationship, tell your therapist. You will redefine successful therapy as ending the relationship well. Understand that if you are 99% sure that you wish to divorce, it is still valid to go to couples therapy. It is worth trying. Enter therapy with your heart soft and mind open.

There will be plenty of time to end things if divorce becomes inevitable. But as long as there is a tiny spark, you may be able to make your marriage healthy again.

Why should you fight for your marriage? Research shows happily married people are emotionally and physically healthier than their single counterparts. Married people are wealthier, less anxiety-prone, and less depressed. They have fewer suicides. Furthermore, people in a connected and cherishing partnership tend to have a stronger immune system, live longer, and have more sex. The mental and physical health benefits of being lovingly attached are well documented.

There will be plenty of time to end things if divorce becomes inevitable. But as long as there is a tiny spark, you may be able to make your marriage healthy again. If that’s difficult to imagine, give it a try. Find a therapist who can help you develop and hold a vision of how things could be. Remain open to the experience for at least 12 to 16 weeks.

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Think of it like this: Marriage is a little like climbing Mount Everest. You have to work hard for it. You have to prepare extensively for the experience of ascending the mountain. You’ll have trials throughout the endeavor. There will be legitimate reasons for some to end the climb before it’s over. But if you want to be among the finishers, you must find a way to stay with it even when it isn’t fun. If you want to stand triumphantly at the top, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Couples counseling might give you the courage to keep climbing.

Reference:

Waite, L., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. New York, NY: Broadway Books.

First responders are our heroes. They are our police, firefighters, and emergency medical service providers. They are the first to respond to people in need, the first to go into places most of us wouldn’t dare.

And while many responders love their work, it can cause worry and stress—for themselves and for their loved ones. (As the proud wife of a first responder, I would know!) Spouses or partners often must manage anxious thoughts, concerns related to safety, and loneliness due to time apart. These are just a few examples of the negative impacts on first responder relationships.

While this article focuses on relationships involving at least one first responder, the relationship-building suggestions it contains are universal. As with all relationships, the key is in the care and nurturing of the relationship.

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Challenges of First Responder Relationships

Schedule Conflicts

Long work hours and differing schedules can mean missing important family events and make spending time together difficult.

Many first responders work shifts. Some spend 24 hours on-duty and 48 hours off-duty. This can be nice when you want to get away for a couple of days, but it can also be a burden. It can mean missed family time, missed relationship time, missed helping-around-the-house time, etc.

For partners, it can feel like “ships passing in the night.” This can cause distance in communication because partners simply can’t find time to spend with each other.

Coworker Bonds

First responders often have close connections and bonds with other responders. For many, this is their support network, their “brothers and sisters.” Which makes sense. After all, they experience life-saving events together and often process traumatic situations with each other.

For a spouse or partner, this can be difficult. Many want to be the person their partner turns to first when they are hurting.

“Living” with coworkers when on duty can present another level of hardship for first responder relationships. For a spouse or partner, it can feel like coworkers get to experience their significant other when they are at their best. By the time a first responder gets home, they may be exhausted.

Tips for Building Connection with Your Partner

While all relationships have their challenges, there are some simple yet significant things you can do to strengthen your bond and draw closer.

Instead of trying to force a connection when conditions aren’t favorable, ask when a good time to talk would be.

1. Find a time you both can be present with each other.

Getting ready for work, attending to the kids, or when one partner is trying to sleep might not be the best time to get each other’s undivided attention. Instead of trying to force a connection when conditions aren’t favorable, ask when a good time to talk would be.

Then, make it happen. Use this time to catch up, build intimacy, and get to know each other again.

2. Show interest and offer support.

Make time to talk with each other about mutual and personal goals. Show interest and support for each other’s wishes and dreams. Map out some relationship goals and dreams you both can work toward, both when you’re together and apart.

This can also be a good time to address any worries and anxieties related to first responder work.

3. Prioritize greetings and goodbyes.

This can be tricky when schedules differ, but try to greet each other when you are reunited. Take the time to welcome each other home. Greet each other at the doorway, if possible. Take a moment to linger in a welcome-home hug. This one thing can make a big difference.

Same goes for when you leave each other. When one of you departs, take the time to say goodbye. Linger in a goodbye hug and kiss. This also applies at bedtime. Even if you don’t sleep at the same time, take a moment to tuck the other in. It’s as simple as it is impactful.

Conclusion

Whether you’re in a first responder relationship or not, enlisting the support of a therapist—either individually or as a couple—can be helpful. The unique challenges of first responder relationships make it especially important that partners make an effort to build and maintain their bond. Licensed marriage and family therapists are skilled in helping people identify strategies that are appropriate for their specific needs.

People choose to open their relationships for many reasons, and there are many ways to do it. From swinging to polyamory and everything in between, each couple venturing outside the bounds of monogamy must navigate the arrangement that works best for them. The books referenced at the bottom of this article contain a wealth of information about open relationship styles. Before leaping into the unknown, it’s important to consider whether nonmonogamy is right for you. Consider the following questions—and then read up.

1. Is your mental and emotional health well-managed?

An open relationship can work wonderfully for many couples, but it may not be a good idea if you or your partner have unmanaged mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, mood conditions, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), or bipolar. The complexities of an open relationship style may exacerbate untreated mental health issues.

If you struggle with your mental health, as many people do, consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist to address your needs and to discuss the potential mental health implications of opening your relationship. [fat_widget_right]

2. What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style determines how secure you feel in romantic relationships, and it is typically established in childhood based on your relationship with parents or caregivers. If you are anxiously attached and often fear that your partner will leave you, an open relationship may trigger those fears and lead to problems. This doesn’t mean an open relationship is not for you—rather, it means you should be honest with yourself about what it will take for you to feel secure.

Also, know that attachment styles can become more secure with time and healing. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love has good information about attachment styles. There are also online resources and quizzes, including this one, that can help you learn about your attachment style and that of your partner.

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3. Does your relationship have significant unaddressed problems or issues?

Don’t expect an open relationship to fix a relationship that is on the rocks. It’s wise to go to couples therapy and address any issues between you and your partner before considering an open relationship.

Every relationship, open or not, has its issues. You don’t have to be a “perfect” couple to open your relationship, but you will likely be better able to handle any challenges that arise if you feel confident that your relationship is on strong footing.

4. How well do you communicate with each other?

Having a successful open relationship requires a LOT of communication. If you and your partner struggle being open and honest with each other, communication practices such as active/reflective listening, using I-statements, and focusing on feelings and needs are an excellent place to start.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

5. How busy are you?

If you struggle to make time for your partner as it is, adding another partner isn’t going to help.

Having an open relationship takes a lot of time—time openly communicating, time spent coordinating, time spent checking in on each other’s needs and feelings, and, of course, one-on-one time with each partner. Take an honest look at your calendar and make sure you have time for all of it. Make sure opening your relationship won’t have an unexpected domino effect of taking time away from other priorities in your life.

6. How do you feel about your partner having sex with another person?

Some people are turned on and excited by this, while others have a knee-jerk reaction against it. If you are in the second group, this is an opportunity for personal exploration. Ask yourself why. What concerns does it bring up? What are you afraid of?

Keep asking questions until you uncover the underlying fear. For instance, beneath jealousy may be a part of you that fears abandonment. Fears often contain some component of irrationality, as they represent unconscious beliefs that can be traced to previous experiences. Try to understand that fearful part of yourself and find out what it needs to feel safe. Remember there are different ways to get your needs met. Be candid with yourself, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be gentle with yourself and with your partner, as these are vulnerable topics.

7. How well do you identify and communicate your needs to your partner?

People who have healthy relationships, open or otherwise, are able to identify their feelings and needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them to their partners in productive ways. Being in an open relationship provides many opportunities to practice this, which may make you a stronger and better communicator.

Consider this hypothetical example: Brenda and Aaron decided to open their marriage three months ago. They’ve both been on a few dates, and Brenda has been struggling with jealousy and insecurity. Brenda could say to Aaron, “I’m feeling nervous and worried about your date tonight (identifying and verbalizing feelings). I fear you will like her more than me and will pull away from me or possibly leave (identifying the underlying fear). I need to know you are committed to us (making a specific request).” Aaron could then say, “Brenda, I understand your fear; I have felt similarly when you go out (validating her feelings). I think you are beautiful. I love you, and I am so happy in our relationship (affirming Brenda and the relationship). I am 100% committed to us (reaffirming his commitment).” Brenda may still have feelings of fear, nervousness, and jealousy, but if she feels anchored by Aaron’s validation and reassurance, she may be better able to manage those feelings.

No one is perfect, and conversations don’t always flow this easily. However, having a relationship grounded in trust, good communication skills, and the ability to identify and share feelings will go a long way.

Conclusion

Although many couples are exploring nonmonogamy, it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner about any concerns you might have. If you decide to try an open relationship, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “fix” any existing problems.

It’s also important to consider the risks. Nonmonogamy remains stigmatized in many cultures and work environments, which can present complications. Educating yourself about the possible benefits and drawbacks, as well as safe sex practices, is essential, and a therapist can help you unpack any concerns you and your partner might have. Many therapists work specifically with nonmonogamous individuals and couples.

If you are curious about open relationships, consider the questions above before opening up rather than after. If you determine that an open relationship may work for you and your partner, check out the books below for helpful guidance on navigating nonmonogamy in an ethical and sustainable way.

References:

1. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
2. Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press.
3. Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.

I always find it interesting, from both an ethical and clinical standpoint, that for many people, truth has degrees. There appears to be a spectrum of truth that people see. There is a field of gray between the black and white of “Is this true or not?” This goes for people I know personally as well as those I see in therapy.

What is truth? This is an age-old question. The answer tends to differ, depending on the person you’re asking. As humans, we seem to be able to justify anything. We may make up reasons or excuses to skew the truth or bend the reality of a situation to fulfill what we’re trying to accomplish. We might do this to clear our conscience, ease a sense of shame, or diminish our accountability.  In other words, things are “true” as we perceive them to be true.

What about authenticity? To be authentic means to be genuine, real, true to yourself. There’s that word again: true. To be authentic in a relationship means being real and true to your partner as well as yourself. When we are authentic, we are reliable and trustworthy. But we may each have our own versions of truth, and what we present as authentic, in this scenario.

The Identities We Construct

It never fails to amaze me how many secrets a person can keep from their partner, and for what reasons. My counseling practice for couples contains a “no secrets” policy, and I make couples seeking help aware of this. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Couples that come for counseling often have many layers of identity. They may present an altered version of themselves that they’ve created to get through their lives. The version of themselves they show to their partner may be far from genuine. Over the years they’ve constructed various personas: parent, employee, friend, child, and partner. These roles can come to feel like the true self. In other words, they become what they have made of themselves.

These personas are often a coping mechanism. They are a form of protection for those who are highly sensitive or easily wounded. People learn to construct an identity that helps shield them from further injury or trauma. They rely on this persona, which may change depending on circumstances, to hide their vulnerability.

This works in some situations, but it fails in others. When people show an edited version of themselves to the world, they often fail to develop areas of personality where they feel weak. As a result, they may not be able to fully evolve, or develop into full personhood.

When someone presents only a constructed version of the self to their partner, no matter how secure they are in the belief they are are being themselves, the relationship may lack an authentic emotional connection.

An edited persona can offer a sense of protection, so people may live under this pretense well into adulthood. An inauthentic self, or multiple selves, can make it easy for a person to adapt to any situation or circumstances. But living this way can create stress, self-doubt, and uncertainty about the future. People are also likely to worry a partner may not be able to love the “real” person inside, if they only know the “false” persona.

Living as a chameleon can cause a person to lose sight of their true nature. What’s more, the relationship itself is less authentic and vulnerable. Connection is important in relationships, both to create a sense of security and allow partners to be honest and vulnerable with one another. When an authentic connection is lacking, the relationship may feel unbalanced and off-kilter. Instead of simply being the best version of themselves, each partner is trying to be the best version of themselves for their partner. But when someone presents only a constructed version of the self, no matter how secure they are in the belief they are are being themselves, the relationship may lack an authentic emotional connection.

It can then become harder to remain focused on the relationship as a priority. Interactions can become strained, and conflict may become more frequent and more difficult to resolve. When conflict occurs, there are many layers to peel back, so getting to the real issue or heart of the matter becomes a challenge.

Working Toward Authenticity

When times get rough and the relationship faces challenges but has no resources to draw on, the constructed persona can begin to crumble under the pressure. The relationship begins to come apart because it has no basis in a real and vulnerable connection.

But repair is not impossible! Couples who seek help to address the problems and fix the relationship, trusting their partner to love who they really are, flaws and all, may find themselves learning to become more authentic and honest.

In therapy, this process can involve stripping away layers of persona to find the real truth (or self) underneath. As these constructs fall, the hidden self comes out. What is left is the raw, vulnerable person who has a real yearning for an emotional connection. All they want is to fix the issues in their relationship. They have a real yearning for an emotional connection. They learn to love that rawness in themselves and their partner. This can take their relationship to a completely new level.

When people decide to be that authentic with one another, it can be a total game-changer. When people learn they can love (and be loved!) for who they are, truly and authentically, they change.  The conversations change, and the emotions deepen. All of those varying faces a person has shown can be seen as parts that merge into a whole person, once they become vulnerable and authentic to their core.

So the real truth, as I see it, is that there’s only one truth. There’s only one of us. Who we are and who we will become when we are vulnerable, raw, and authentic—that is a truer version of ourselves than we’ve ever known before. Yes, it can be hard, painful, and frustrating to break through to this truth. But what I hear from the people I work with, more often than not, is that doing so is worth all of this. It’s worth everything to live a genuine and authentic life, to have a true relationship with one’s partner.

But this transformation is only possible with a deepened commitment, not only to one’s partner, but also to one’s own self. We must be willing to see it through and live that authentic life. If we can withstand the process, the results can transform us.

If you are finding it difficult to become more authentic, with yourself or with your partner, a compassionate and qualified counselor can help you begin.

Emotional connection is the bond that keeps people together. It is the glue in relationships. Many couples don’t realize that if they are not regularly connecting on an emotional level, the link that keeps them together weakens.

In a previous article, I wrote about what happens to our brains when we feel emotionally disconnected from a partner or spouse. We can feel like our sense of security is threatened, causing us to become fearful. The amygdala, the almond-shaped region in the midbrain, acts as an alarm system, and a sense of panic can set in.

When we don’t get relief by reconnecting to loved ones, this can put us in a hyperaroused emotional state. This, in turn, can cause our stress levels to heighten due to elevated cortisol. Physical and mental health and well-being may suffer if cortisol stays elevated over a long period.

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In Dr. John Gottman’s research, he identified an important dynamic that healthy and emotionally intelligent couples exercise: turning toward one another. Turning toward is a subtle or brief positive exchange that helps to deepen a couple’s emotional connection.

When partners turn toward one another, they are practicing what Gottman refers to as “bids.” Bids are attempts to connect using affection, support, humor, or attention. These interactions can be verbal or nonverbal. A person may be aware or unaware of the use of a bid, which may look like any of the following:

• A gentle touch
• A hug or kiss
• A smile
• A kind remark
• Listening
• A playful gesture
• A word of encouragement
• Sharing a news event
• Saying “I love you”

Bids can result in deeper intimacy, greater romance, passion, and a more satisfying sex life.

Bids can result in deeper intimacy, greater romance, passion, and a more satisfying sex life. Gottman explains that one secret to lasting love among couples is turning toward each other in little ways every day. He found in his research that couples who regularly practice emotionally connecting stay together longer than those who do not.

Couples who don’t practice daily bids can more easily lose their way. When we are not emotionally connecting on a regular basis, our loved ones can feel uncared for or unvalued. The trap of taking a spouse or partner for granted can sneak up, especially if the couple has been together for a long time.

Given our busy and hectic lives, it is understandable how we can lose track of letting a loved one know how much we appreciate them. The risk of emotional disconnection is greater when we feel burdened, overwhelmed, or stressed.

How to Emotionally Connect with Your Partner

Here are two things you can do today to emotionally connect with your partner or spouse:

1. Be intentional about turning toward your partner.

Being intentional and practicing emotional connection every day can make a big difference. You don’t need to wait and plan an expensive vacation to emotionally connect. You can start right now, right where you are.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you going. If you are near your partner or spouse, try reaching out and holding their hand. If you are not with your partner or spouse, text a sweet message or call and let them know you are thinking about them.

When you practice emotionally connecting every day, it is like putting money in your emotional bank account. You are investing in your relationship. The more you put in, the greater your love will grow. Having a substantial savings account can help in challenging times.

2. Make a list of things you can do to lean in toward your partner.

If this sounds simple, it is.

List the things you can do to turn toward your partner. It can be a mental list or a written list. This might take a little time and effort, especially if you have gotten out of practice. Putting the list in a place you can regularly see it will help you to remember to reach out and connect.

Try this exercise for a month and see how it can begin to reshape your emotional connection and create a deeper bond. Consistency is key; the more often, the better.

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Conclusion

If you feel you and your partner or spouse have strayed too far in your emotional connection, you could benefit from the help of a marriage and family therapist. Just because you are experiencing emotional disconnection from your partner doesn’t mean you can’t find your way back; it just may require a little help. Reach out. There is hope.

Reference:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My husband and I used to have a great relationship, but ever since we had a baby and he started a stressful new job, he won’t sleep with me anymore. I don’t mean just have sex, although that’s a problem too. I mean he literally doesn’t sleep with me. He stays up half the night and falls asleep on the couch more often than not. When I get up in the morning, I often end up waking him up and telling him to go to bed. It’s like we are ships passing in the night.

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This has strained our relationship so much! I miss my husband. I want to be intimate with him, but even more than that, I want to feel him next to me. I miss snuggling. I miss his warmth and his gentle presence. I sleep better when he’s with me. I cry myself to sleep a lot now, and any sleep I do get is fitful. Having to always be the one to wake up and attend to our baby (since my husband is downstairs, out of earshot) doesn’t help.

He refuses to change or even compromise. He says the stress of his job—he’s a police officer and works evenings—makes him need to “decompress” after his shifts by “vegging out” in front of the TV. He says he can’t go to bed right after work or he just lays there and tosses and turns. But that’s basically what I do if he’s not next to me.

What am I supposed to do if my husband won’t make an effort to sleep with me? I keep thinking the lack of sex will bring him back eventually, but it’s not happening so far. He’s a pretty sexual guy, so I am starting to wonder if he’s getting sex somewhere else. Ugh. As if I needed another reason to not be able to sleep! —Restless

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Restless,

No doubt you’re not sleeping so well these days. In addition to having a little one wreak havoc on your sleep, you have an absentee bed partner. You describe your situation as causing a great deal of distress. It’s on your mind day and night. I’m glad you reached out for help, and I hope this reply offers some points to consider.

You describe your relationship as like “ships passing in the night,” but previously you felt like you had a strong and connected marriage. It sounds like the biggest source of distress is a lack of connection and intimacy, on multiple levels. From your account, you have expressed your desires and concerns to your husband, yet they have neither been validated nor led to change in where your husband spends his time at night. It’s no surprise you are having trouble sleeping.

Talking about sensitive topics with a partner can be tricky for many reasons—among them the baggage that people bring to the communication. It is possible your husband isn’t hearing you because of things that are affecting him, which then reinforces your feeling that he isn’t present. The explanation he has given is that he feels stressed and needs to unwind. This may be accurate, but as you insinuated, you don’t know whether this is the full story. Might there be other challenges he is not comfortable discussing or isn’t able to identify? Might there indeed be an affair of some sort? It sounds like whatever his struggles are, they are affecting him on many levels, including domestic life and his emotional and physical connection to his wife.

Even though communication is hard, it will be part of the long-term solution if you want to bring about change and break this pattern. Individual therapy can assist you with meeting these goals, as can couples therapy, if your husband is open to this.

Even though communication is hard, it will be part of the long-term solution if you want to bring about change and break this pattern. Individual therapy can assist you with meeting these goals, as can couples therapy, if your husband is open to this. Both approaches can facilitate communication and identify issues that may be contributing to the state of your relationship. Regardless of which approach(es) you try, it is important to try something.

Other considerations are important to acknowledge. For one, transition periods in life are inherently stressful. Transitioning into parenthood and starting a new job can feel overwhelming, certainly. We may not know how to deal with the stress. We may resort to coping styles that are familiar to us because it may feel comfortable or easy to react in a certain way.

How has your husband typically coped with stress in the past? Some people tend to react to stress by withdrawing or disengaging. This can, of course, be hard for others who feel like they are shut out. Ultimately, how we deal with things now, whether it be big changes, new demands, or even disagreement about the importance of sharing a marital bed, affects things in the future.

Another consideration worthy of acknowledging is how you are coping. Your sleep has deteriorated, which presumably leaves you feeling less rested during the day. Many nights of poor sleep, of course, can take their toll physically and emotionally. It can affect your energy and internal resources as a caregiver to your baby.

You are caring for someone else, but what are you doing to care for yourself? When we regularly care for ourselves, we are better prepared to deal with the stresses we face, including the ones that don’t seem to make sense or seem like they are easy to resolve. It is easy to forget to take care of yourself when you are so concerned about the well-being of others. May this be a reminder about the importance of checking in with yourself and engaging in something restorative, energizing, or otherwise positive for yourself.

Kind regards,

Marni Amsellem, PhD