Children Should Show Respect, As Should Parents
June 3rd, 2008
By John Petersen, Psy.D.
Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
As a family psychologist, I’ve found a common concern parents have about their children, even more common than the ubiquitous Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), is “disrespect.” From talking back to “having an attitude” to refusing to listen, disrespect is often at the top of the problem list parents bring to my office. I typically search for ways to move “disrespect” down the list some.
It’s difficult to suggest putting the topic off until later, because respect is important, very important. But we parents too often fall into demanding respect and forcing children to comply. With threats, punishment, shaming, bribes, and rewards, we use our power in various forms to get kids to respect authority and the powers that be. Our success has been our downfall. We’ve unwittingly taught kids to respect the power and control of authority, losing sight of the more important goal of respecting relationships and respecting each other as individuals.
We’ve taught kids to value power and control so much that they want it for themselves. So kids set out to win power and control, contributing to power-struggles with their parents. This explains a phenomenon I observe in my office, that the more a parent identifies with power and control, the more likely they are locked in protracted conflict with one or more of their children.
As a counselor, respect for power and authority typically is not at the top of my list. We need to demonstrate respect for each other and for relationships, not for power and control. We need to win children’s respect, not try to demand or force it. Coercing respect might bring compliance but it doesn’t build true respect for each other. Respect is won by giving it, and earned via acknowledgement of innate worth and equality. Children are our equals, not in skill or knowledge, but in human dignity. We should treat them as such.
Gaining children’s respect begins with treating them respectfully and focusing on the relationship. Here are some suggestions:
1.Strive for cooperation, not compliance. Cooperation connotes mutual consideration and the freedom to contribute one’s opinion and influence. Compliance can be mindless submission and always requires less investment from the child.
2.In general, don’t do for a child what the child can do for him/herself. Undue service is disrespectful.
3.Be consistent in your expectations. Being lax one day and firm the next shows disrespect for the relationship in as much as you put your mood and energy level before the parent/child relationship.
4.Separate the deed from the doer, stay problem focused, and work toward agreements via discussion.
5.Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Follow through. Respect kids enough to know they understand the issue. They don’t need repeated reminders, repeated explanations, or threats.
6.State the problem as a social problem. Note how the problem detracts from intimacy and enjoyment of each other, and then ask for help in solving the difficulty. “When you two fight in the car, I don’t enjoy being with you and I don’t feel like taking you with me next time. What should we do about this?”
7.Don’t talk down to children. Get rid of the cartoon voice and show genuine emotion.
©Copyright 2008 by John Petersen, Psy.D., therapist in South Bend, IN. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
This is so true! I see so many people who give absolutely no respect to their children yet demand it from them in return. How are children ever to learn how to give respect when they are never shown that themselves?
I am so glad to hear that this drives you as crazy as it does me. I see so many “adults” who act more like children than their own children do and that is sad! Children deserve the same amount of respect as do adults and they will never learn how to give this to others if they are never shown that by those role models in their own lives!
Good article. What is curious to me is how often parents feel “disrespected” when expecting kids to be able to do things that they aren’t developmentally ready to do. Examples include sitting still, cleaning unsupervised for extended periods, and following sophisticated social rules.
If we only knew as much about our kids as we know about football.
And what do we do about those who never received this as children and who then turn around and give the exact same back to their own children? It is a viscious cycle and sometimes it seems that there is no way to stop that circle. What can we do to make that happen?
There should be a license to parent- period! This should not be a right but an honor and there are so many who do not treat this as a privilege at all.
What about requiring people to take parenting classes? But then what do you do if they fail or if they just do not show up?
That is just it- we cannot require these sorts of things of other people. That is not right. Neither is bad parenting. But we have to step up and give at risk families the resources they need to become better parents and caregivers rather than punishing them outright and telling some that they are not worthy of having children when they have never even had the opportunity to try.
And much of this could be prevented if we simply paid more attention to the things our kids get from watching TV. There are so many sassy mouth kids on TV shows that our own kids try to emulate- we just need to switch those things off and sit down together for some one on one parent and child time. It is thru interactions like these that they will learn how to not only get respect from others but also how to give that same respect back to them.
You are right about the fact that there seem to be way more negative role models for kids on TV and in sports than there are good positive ones. No wonder so many of them talk to adults with no respect at all. Those are the behaviors that they constantly see rewarded on a daily basis.
What ever happened to disciplining kids for showing no respect? I am not saying you have to hit them but there needs to be a firm line drawn to show them that you are the parent and they are the child and instill this from early on in life so that they will recognize the importance of giving respect to others.
Because there are too many parents who are more interested in being friends wih their kids rather than being the parent. They want to be perceived as cool and do not realize what a disservice they are actually doing to the kids.
In the words of Bill Cosby: Come on people! We have to get it together for the good of our kids. We need to give them what they need, which is love, care, and discipline!
As the author of the article, I apologize for this late reply.
Upstatesc, your question of how to step out of the cycle of disrespect is very important. Someone has to make the first move, unless they show up for counseling together and decide to take that step together.
I typically look to the adults to lead. Someone has to be the adult in the situation. That is not to blame the adult for the cycle, but to lean on their responsibility and good will as a parent to move first. The good news is that parents, even most of the parents commonly judged to be bad or troubled, are willing to make changes. Every parent has a value/dream of what family could be. We tap into that and point out how mutual respect and cooperation will give the best chance of getting there.
Other comments have referred to parenting classes as a fix. I routinely run parenting classes and can say that all types of parents benefit from them. But parents take away what is meaningful to them and not always what you or I see as meaningful. All we can do is honor that growth and encourage them to continue to grow. That is all I can do in my own growth as a parent and would not expect anything else from others.
Lastly, there was a suggestion to discipline children for their disrespect. I agree if by discipline you mean teach and set a limit. The limit must be your own limit, what you are willing or not willing to do given the disrespect that exists. For example, when my children yell at me or are rude in conversation (usually a conversation about computer use or television) I will refuse to discuss it further until we can try again in a more respectful manner. The limit is communicated by controlling myself (ending my side of the conversation/argument), not by attempting to control the child. We can teach them experientially that disrespect erodes our good will and interest in cooperating (e.g, my willingness to share my computer). If done without threats or dishing back disrespect, our children perceive rudeness to be ineffective. If we discipline with disrespectful tactics, they perceive the parent, not their own behavior, to be the problem.
For our family, like the article clearly states, consistency is the key. Earning the respect of your children is never going to happen when they percieve you to be easily swayed and convinced that inappropriate behavior is OK. Yes earning respect is a job that you have to focus on doing 24 hours a day but in the long run it will make you a better parent and your kids will be better for it as well.
I have taught in the classroom for over twenty years and of course I too have noticed a deterioration of respect for others in society in general. But that is something I will not tolerate in my classroom, not for myself or for others. For me it is important to make that clear from the very beginning, to spell out my very high expectations for my students, and I find that more often than not they will rise to the occasion to meet and even exceed what I had set out for them. You show children that you respect them and their abilities enough and believe in them and they will live up to what you knew they could be all along. I think that with the respect issue this often gets lost along the way. Many times children simply behave as you unwittingly expect them to and if you do not hold them to high standards then that is the level at which they will perform, both in the classroom and in life in general.
Excellent point, Sally. Children often live down to expectations. We can show respect by expecting them to contribute as essential members of the family and classroom. We can also expect them to act respectfully as a matter routine.
Coming on strong with threats about what will happen if such and such disrespectful behavior occurs alerts everyone we don’t have confidence children will cooperate or we expect children to spark more problems than solutions. We can anticipate and expect respect and cooperation, and, as you point out, it benefits all involved if we are clear about our expectation. Also, let’s be clear about what we are going to give. How often did we hear teachers tell us, “I’ll show you respect because you deserve it, our classroom deserves it, and I deserve it.”? Never. We hear, “I’ll show you respect if you respect me.” which sounds more like the code ethics among criminal gangs.
Of course, we need a clue about what to do when disrespect comes along, but we’d be better off setting up and expecting respectful relationships from the start.
Respect is one of those things best caught, not taught.
This is a problem I have long struggled with. I am 20 and live at home. I commute to college. My parents have always demanded respect, and the punishments for not obeying their commands have always been harsh. When they speak to me it is in a highly condescending manner. In their eyes, they know all. I have tried to tell them how I feel, but any negative feelings or disagreement with how they do things is considered disrespect for them. They have consistently told me that I am not to speak to them as an equal. I love my parents, but I feel that we are on a road to a more distant relationship than we already have. The saddest part is, they don’t even see it. They truly believe that they know me on a deep level, but the truth is, I am afraid to discuss anything with them that is more than skin deep. At this point I feel trapped with no way of improving the situation.
Alex,
Thank you for adding to the conversation. You offer an adult voice to what our children cannot say, but would want to say if they could. Humans, and yes this includes children, are never satisfied standing in an inferior position, as measured by respect not by skill, knowledge, age, or any other measurable quality.
Given yours is an adult relationship issue, I’d like to point out there is an opportunity to ask your parents for some behavior change. If they aren’t going to buy into the concept of equal human worth, they may at least be willing to avoid certain language or behavior that is damaging the relationship. It is a place to start. Then limit your parental exposure to areas where they are willing to agree to respectful treatment.
Going for a smaller victories keeps you away from ultimatums and keeps some parent/adult child relationship going.
Mr Peterson, your response dismays me. Instead of Alex asking his parents for some behavior change, how about him meeting them halfway?
He says their punishments for not obeying their commands is harsh. Why isn’t that answered with a question about why he’s not doing what’s asked of him first before assuming it’s all the parent’s fault? Respectful treatment is a two way street.
I’m not related to Alex.
Dionne,
Quoting you, “Why isn’t that answered with a question about why he’s not doing what’s asked of him first before assuming it’s all the parent’s fault?”
I appreciate the question. The short answer is because his parents never asked. That was the heart of his complaint. And I had the sense that Alex was looking for some constructive pointers, not someone else to take his parents’ side.
My response to Alex was focused not on the harsh punishment but on the commanding and condescending approach he perceives they take. His perception is very important and valid. I don’t have to blame the parents to take that stance. In fact, I don’t think I blamed his parents at all. Generally, I take the stance that nobody is to blame and all are responsible.
Thanks for the clarification and response, Mr Peterson. I wasn’t taking his parents side either nor undervaluing him as a person. I feel that ignoring his own admission of not doing what was asked is conveniently sidestepping that. Responsibility lies at everyone’s feet, I agree.
I should have addressed the question to Alex so I shall. Thanks for responding.
Alex, why don’t you do what’s asked of you and save all the animosity and aggravation? Or here’s an idea. You don’t need to continue accepting the home comforts nor the rules. Find out what it’s like to be a grown up by moving out. Your parents may be glad of the break too. You’re obviously a smart kid. You could pick up a job no problem. You can’t control their actions so take charge of your own.
I believe you have incorrectly assumed that I frequently break the rules. Actually, is is extremely rare for me to break a clear set rule. The problem lies in a lack of communication. I feel I am at a point where I should have more control over my life and more respect from my parents. As far as moving out, this is really not an option. I barely have the money to pay for college. I can’t see any justification in abandoning my education over roughness in a relationship with my parents.
your comment about us as parents having to “earn our children’s respect, and “children are our equals” is totally wrong! Since when do we as parents have to tip toe around our kids and walk on egg shells, so we will be sure to ”
respect our kids,” while they trash, and verbally,and maybe physically abuse us as parents. Children are NOT our equals. Children need to obey thier parents, and listen to what they are told. The parent has a good reason when they tell thier kids to do or not to do something. Of course things change, should the parent(s)be totally abusive in any way then I would agree the parent loses the childs respect, and love.
i agree, children should be a equal and thats us as parents should. you also do get alot of conflict when we force respect through power instead of relationships.
Ok. I am 18 now, still in high school and about to graduate. I get good grades, i am in honors classes, i haven’t been arrested and don’t smoke, drink, or do any drugs. I have a job, but don’t make enough to move out yet. Yes i plan on attending college also. As far as me doing chores, i struggle doing them sometimes because honestly, they are like towards the bottom of my list(art, playing and making music, school work,, studying, friends, girlfriend, etc.) Also, i am a calm and collective person. I’m the type that thinks about what i say. and i also believe i am well educated.
My mom is a lawyer, survived breast cancer, has been taking care of 3 children (me being the oldest) on her own, she is now married for the 5th time (she is still not that happy with it though, im not either). i believe she has been through alot and overcame alot, and i honor that alot. im proud of my mom and love her. but she can be very controlling, and when i stand up to the pupeteer (her), and cut off those strings (her manipulation, and control over my life), then she see’s it as disrespectful, and says i dont love her and stuff.
I’m in the same exact predicament as Alex. My mom is just like Alex’s parents! She is very controlling, and if its not done her way, its disrespectful. Now i am not trying to accuse her as the wrong person in this matter but it is very overwhelming. usually when i am at school, i am like “man i cant wait to get home”, but now, i am not even excited about going home. when me and my mom meet a disagreement, its disrespectful because i stand up to my point instead of ignoring mine and believing hers. when ever i try and talk to her about how she makes me feel, i am always the guilty one in every conversation. when i do what she tells me but do it in my own way instead of doing it exactly how she tells me, it’s disrespectful to her. i.g.( its 2:15 and im just arriving home from school and i cant wait to play some halo 3 on xbox live after doing home work. when i come home from school, she tells me to cut the grass. its like 3:00 and it’s blazing hot outside. so i wait until 5:00 to cut it when it cools down a bit. The end result is that i do what she says(i cut the grass), i just do it under the my concerns, still focusing on what i was told to do.)
also, when my mom see’s something as disrespectful, she blows things out of proportion, throws away her sanity, and says what ever comes to mind, satisfying her emotions. like i feel its really annoying and inconsiderate. im very concerned about this issue, because i can see the end result of our mother-son relationship. i want it to be great. i feel she needs to start respecting my judgments and decisions.
there are alot of details i left out, due to the space i already used. but please help, and please read Alex’s comment above because it fills in some of my missing details. im like in the same situation!!HEELPPP!!!!
PsyFy,
I’m so grateful for what you have shared and I’m struck by how respectful it is of your mother. As you say, she has been through a lot, in on her fifth marriage, and may still be unable to count on men to follow through. I wonder if she needs to be in control, be able to count on things, and needs to watch her back lest she be let down by men again. You seem to hint at this and you respect her position, and so you are more than half way there.
If there were a way for her to understand your situation without defensiveness or feeling disrespected, you could then offer her a commitment she can count on but one that allows you some freedom and respect as well. For example, agree to chores a week ahead of time. If you’re going to cut the grass, you offer the day and time, so you have a larger voice in the matter (while still offering your appreciation and respect for her position). When you honor the agreement, you protect your freedom and dignity and she is not tempted to “throw away her sanity.”
Of course life gets in the way and you’ll fall short at some point. A graceful recovery is the key at such times. Lead off with a gesture of respect and understanding, mention you’d like a chance to make it right, and ask that she trust you and stay calm about it.
Catch her being good and mention what you appreciate about her and what she is doing. Note improvement and talk to her about the change you notice. Highlight and thicken the differences between fighting for control and cooperating to protect freedom and respect.
Best of luck and, again, thank you for your wonderful post.
i have so many problems with my parents because i think i deserve respect as a fellow human being, not a slave. I totally agree with the compliance vs coordination thing. I wish my parents had enough sense to try it. Great article.
This is rediculously true. Parents focus on “demands” and that they “demand” respect and feel superior to the children. How are you (as a child) supposed to give respect to your parents if you are treated like s**t everyday from your parents, and that they demand respect for you. Every parent that falls under those rules of treating your children like that should really treat children as other people… because THEY ARE. Burn in hell if you treat your children like that. It also creates depression within the childs mind, thinking they are nothing but a slave to the parent. Which is rediculous. Just remember, in the end you will be judged. The way you treat your children now will show its affect in the future. All I am saying is TREAT them like you would want someone else to treat you… that’s it!! No stupid “oh because im the parent B.S.” We are all human, all seperate people, all have emotions, all living on the same Earth. PARENTS have absolutely no power over the way the child lives their lives. LEAD THEM in the right direction. But don’t put them down, treat them like s**t because darn well they probably don’t do that to you. What goes around comes around.
This is rediculously true. Parents focus on “demands” and that they “demand” respect and feel superior to the children. How are you (as a child) supposed to give respect to your parents if you are treated like s**t everyday from your parents, and that they demand respect for you. Every parent that falls under those rules of treating your children like that should really treat children as other people… because THEY ARE. Burn in hell if you treat your children like that. It also creates depression within the childs mind, thinking they are nothing but a slave to the parent. Which is rediculous. Just remember, in the end you will be judged. The way you treat your children now will show its affect in the future. All I am saying is TREAT them like you would want someone else to treat you… that’s it!! No stupid “oh because im the parent B.S.” We are all human, all seperate people, all have emotions, all living on the same Earth. PARENTS have absolutely no power over the way the child lives their lives. LEAD THEM in the right direction. But don’t put them down, treat them like s**t because darn well they probably don’t do that to you. What goes around comes around.
Good day! I have a problem with my mom these days, i do not know what to do. She always want to have my respect but i do not feel the respect that she is giving me. :(
I’m a teenager to a rather excellent home. But I argue with my parents often because of my tire from them doing EXACTLY what this article is preventing. Only my younger brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but all 3 of us are siblings of the same parents, and they are rather demanding. It is rare to even hear a sorry for an overreaction. Often, when I argue a point that they might actually be wrong, I am told to stop being a ‘smart-mouth’ and that [their wrong] isn’t up for discussion anymore. I wish I could get them to read this. This is the main problem in this household.
Also, could someone explain these missing ‘rights’ of speech and opinion that I supposedly don’t have with my parents?
I live in a suburban upper-middle class Progressive home in Wisconsin,
and when I refuse to let my parents go through my stuff they start
taking away priveleges and demanding my respect. It wasn’t even
for anything like drugs, my mom wanted to go through some of my
papers. I told her that I have a right to my privacy; she says I don’t
and pulls out the parental trump card, “I am your parent and you will
respect me.” The respect that was left shot itself. Anyway, my dad has
done this too. How can I get my parents to respect my privacy and
acknowledge that if I have to earn their respect then they have to earn
mine?
P.S. I already go to a psychologist.
I’m 16. In general, I have a really good relationship with both my parents. However, often I’d have fights with my mum. I suppose I’m not very respectful with how I handle it but I dont know how else to act because I dont agree with the way she speaks to me in these cases, with her angry demanding tone, and her attitude towards me and I just get really fired up. & she’s not even speaking to me that way for a good reason! I did nothing wrong to start with!! Then later after it cools down a bit, sure she’ll be speaking nice again, but firm, but demanding an apology from me, where I can really struggle to do that believing she also needs to make some sort of apology for the way she treated me. And then it fires up again & it just causes this big issue!! I agree that the whole demanding thing really fuels the issue quite badly!
I just broke up with my bf because his daughter was disrespected with him every time they were visiting me. I have rules at home with my kids when they are upset trying to fix the problems talking, no screaming. But my bf’s daughter was swearing, fighting and screaming at me also! I decided to become a “teaching respect helper” talking to her, showing love and respect for her, but really teaching respect is not only the father’s gf job, also both parents are supposed to help, which wasn’t happening. He told me his daughter has EDHD but I noticed she is a real smart girl just need someone to listen about her feelings. At the end, I’m just a human being, I raised 2 kids now in College and I have 2 teenagers we spend all day together, a lot of work for a single mother. (Still sad since I love him.)
Kids are too dumb to tell whether their parents are telling the truth or lying. After long, it’s too late to correct the problems ingrained in their brains. Stupid people should be sterilized so they cannot breed.
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