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How to Turn Self-Hatred into Self-Compassion

man burying his face in a pillow

“I’m such a loser.”

“I can’t do anything right.”

“I’m ugly.”

Too often, people brutally judge and attack themselves. If everyone treated others as poorly as they treat themselves, the old biblical adage, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” could be a recipe for war.

Incessant negative beliefs about oneself may be called self-judgment, self-attack, or low self-esteem, but it all boils down to one menacing problem: self-hatred. At its most extreme, self-hatred can lead people to retreat into substance use, suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors, or violence toward others.

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If you beat up on yourself, are disgusted with yourself, or in any other way experience the effects of self-hatred, there are two important things to know: why the self-hatred exists, and what you can do about it.

Why Self-Hatred?

Self-hatred almost always stems from childhood. Trauma experienced after childhood also can fuel negative feelings about oneself.

Children believe what they hear from others. If a parent tells a child that she is good for nothing or can’t do anything right, then that becomes the truth in the child’s mind. It takes a very mature and insightful child to say to herself, “Something is wrong with Mom/Dad for telling me this. An adult shouldn’t say such mean things to me. I’m just a child.”

Instead of saying, “Something is wrong with Mom/Dad,” the child usually thinks, “Something is wrong with me.” That simply is how a child’s mind works. Children need safety and stability. It is much less chaotic for a child to think something is wrong with himself than to think he cannot rely on the people upon whom he depends for food, shelter, and survival.

Sometimes, a child never hears harsh judgment from a parent or other caregiver, yet self-hatred manages to fester. This happens when, for whatever reason (genetics, environment, plain bad luck, etc.), a child experiences anxiety, perfectionism, or other traits that conjure feelings of self-blame in the face of fear, imperfection, or other perceived flaws.

Trauma, too, can inspire self-hatred. It can feel safer to attack oneself over what happened than to accept that bad things happen randomly in the world—and can happen again, at any time. As a result, many people who have endured sexual assault, combat, or other trauma blame themselves for what they endured, and self-hatred grows.

Self-hatred and shame are related but not synonymous. Shame can be healthy, the mind’s tool for helping people understand when they have done something that must not be repeated. However, the majority of shame that people experience is not a healthy tool for learning right from wrong. Instead, it is a manifestation of self-hatred, a message that when they do things wrong (or, at least, differently than they wish they had) then they are wrong, a judgment of the person and not the act.

Many people who feel shame cannot assign it to any particular action. Shame is a feeling of essential badness that they simply cannot shed. Often, people experiencing unhealthy shame feel that if others saw their real self, then nobody could possibly love them.

It is helpful to understand how your own self-hatred formed. This can help you to develop compassion for yourself. No matter what you did or did not do as a child, no matter what trauma you endured, the hurt part of you deserves love, compassion, and nurturing. No matter what, you possess a fundamental goodness that is not touched by external events, in the same way the clouds can cover the sun but never really touch it.

The Antidote: Self-Compassion

A seminal work on self-hatred and self-compassion is titled, appropriately enough, Compassion and Self Hate (by Theodore Isaac Rubin). More recently, mental health professionals have published quite a few more books on self-compassion, including The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (by Christopher Germer), Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind (by Kristin Neff), and The Power of Self-Compassion (by Mary Wellford).

There are websites devoted to self-compassion. There also is an evidence-based psychotherapy that cultivates self-compassion. Called compassion-focused therapy, it extends cognitive behavioral concepts to foster in clients the ability to soothe, accept, and understand oneself.

The common theme underlying all these works is that self-compassion is the antidote to self-hate. So how do you create more compassion for yourself? Over time, I will write about many different ways to grow the seeds of self-compassion. For now, here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you care about: In Compassion and Self Hate, Dr. Rubin advises readers to tell themselves, “I treat myself as I treat a child I love.” Cognitive behavioral therapists employ a similar technique, often invoking the question, “What would you say to good friend who was going through the same thing you are going through?” These are important questions. If you hate yourself, you likely say things to yourself that you would not dare say to another person. What would you say to somebody else who has the exact same traits as you? What could you say to yourself?
  • Recognize that beliefs do not equal truths: Often, people believe what they tell themselves. If you think you are a loser, you may believe it is absolute truth. Try this cognitive behavioral technique called “the three C’s”: catch, check, change. Catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself. Check whether your distressing thought is true. Change it, if not. You can talk back to your negative thoughts. Challenge them. Serve as a defense attorney to the prosecutor in your head.
  • Embrace the concept of “good enough”: Many people feel they should be perfect—never angry, always generous, never critical, always right, and so on. These expectations deny that imperfection is the human condition. If you are one of these people with too-high expectations for yourself, ask yourself what is good enough?
  • Consider turning to spirituality or religion: Many spiritual or religious traditions center on the belief that people are flawed but inherently good, not only lovable but also inherently loved. These beliefs can serve as a huge balm for the hurting soul. The practices of meditation and mindfulness, too, can foster feelings of self-compassion as well as loving kindness toward others.
  • If you hate yourself for mistakes you made, make amends: You may be reading this and thinking, “This does not apply to me. I did something so awful that I can never be forgiven.” First, as much as you condemn yourself, ask if you would equally condemn—to their face—someone else who did the same thing. If not, then you are being unfair to yourself. Perhaps you really did do something awful. If you cannot make amends to the person or people you harmed, do something good for somebody else. Beating up on yourself serves nobody. Doing good for others or taking part in a larger movement not only helps others, it helps you—and it can lead to self-forgiveness.

My Questions for You

Do you ever hate yourself? If so, what helps you to deal with this brutal judge who lives inside your head? What tips do you have for others in the same situation?

© Copyright 2013 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, therapist in Denver, Colorado. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments
  • carrie November 12th, 2013 at 11:22 AM #1

    Oh this is so hard to turn that hatred into love but SOOO worth it when it comes to actually living a life worth living.

    I spent far too much time loathing myself and what I had become but never realizing until fairly recently just how much of that I let others tell me about myself and not recognizing the good things that I had to offer to other people and to myself! I wish that I had learned all of this a little sooner, but once you finally cut the bad seeds from your life you learn fairly quickly that you are SOOO much better than what they have always told you that you were.

  • Kellen November 13th, 2013 at 4:35 AM #2

    Agree with Carrie- such a work in progress, almost like a job, but makes you feel so much better about everything when you learn to free yourself from all of that loathing.

  • Ellie November 14th, 2013 at 4:41 AM #3

    And one thing that I would like to add is that for some of us, who have been teased or taunted by others, you might think that you feel one way until you hear that one little trigger and then boom! you are back to being very down on yourself again. I would like to think that I have overcome a lot of that that I heard while growing up, but this time of year especially, when I know that there are people I will have to be around who made me feel so belittled and diminished I start doing the work for them. I get down on myself so I guess they don’t have to and become all over again when I always felt like they thought about me. I hate that feeling and would love to rid myself of that kind of toxicity in life, but it is so hard when this is family and you don’t know exactly why you should have to cut ties with them or even if you really want to.

  • Joan Kloth-Zanard November 14th, 2013 at 5:29 AM #4

    Excellent article. This will be of great help to the hundreds of psychologically abused victims I work with and their children. Thank you!!

  • Donna November 14th, 2013 at 8:57 AM #5

    With the prevalence of Parental Alienation, this is a very important message to get to the kids who are the biggest victims. Thank you for writing this. I will be posting on the high school Facebook page.

  • Laura December 12th, 2013 at 9:28 AM #6

    Thanks for the excellent summary.

    You say that shame can be healthy. Some people, notably Brene Brown, make a distinction between guilt and shame, with guilt referring to phenomenon you described in that sentence (knowing you’ve *done* something wrong, and perhaps striving to improve), and shame referring to, well, the shame you described in the rest of the article.

    You might find that terminology helpful in maintaining the distinction between the two. They are, as you noted, quite different! Give it a try, and see whether it works for you.

    Good summary here: becomingwhoyouare.net/2012/06/shame-vs-guilt/
    I would also recommend the book mentioned in that post!

  • Deanna April 28th, 2014 at 10:48 AM #7

    Though I would love to, and welcome the day. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
    What scares me? I have always been able to see the light even during a negative challenge. And in 50 years, I have had plenty,
    I don’t allow myself to “talk about it” no matter what I have been through, I don’t want it to sound like a “excuse”. And, that’s what it sounds like to me.
    There is no excuse for bad behavior, so, …..
    Don’t get me wrong, I have tried and tried to “get out of it” and have been successful at it throughout my lifetime. Now, it’s different. Unexplaineable really. Dark, Deep, IDK.

  • Loser May 15th, 2014 at 5:39 PM #8

    I really wish I could like myself. I don’t think its possible. I am very useless, lack confidence. I have hated myself since I was a little boy. Everyone I know is perfect and I’m garbage. I’m currently unemployed. I constantly relive the mistakes of my life. I have so much compassion for others. I can read and go to therapy forever it won’t work

  • work in progress May 24th, 2014 at 2:52 AM #9

    I would like to reply to the last person to let you know that I was convinced I was bad, useless, not worth love or attention or to be alive and felt sure that I couldnt change or be healed. So I plodded along, continued to read self help books, articles, worked on my connection with my higher power and one day recently I felt I could challege the belief that I was worthless. Some days are better than others. I think I will always be a work in progress. I just wanted to say dont give up..as you are changing even by reading this site. I believe in you. If I can push through, and I have alot of baggage I know you can too. Thanks for the opportunity to share this hear and for the information that was important for me to hear right now.

  • My Name Is Stress October 9th, 2014 at 4:09 PM #10

    I’m just a teenager. My name… Is Stress. The cold, hard fact is that if I’m not perfect, I won’t get into the best college. Some times it feels like everyone else is getting in my way, and sometimes I just know that no matter how much I love other people, none of them love me the same. At first, maybe I was too compassionate. But after a while, when no one returned love, something changed for the worse. Suddenly the school work wasn’t even my biggest issue. I was still stressed over it, but now,I was hating people. Who? Well… Everyone. Fir me, life has always been sticking to one decision and not letting go. Logically, I should be able to just, decide, to not hate myself anymore. But for some reason I just can’t. And my family… They’ll be the last ones to know. My friends are never serious.

    Some days I’m rude, antisocial, and just try to do my work. On days like these I hate everyone. Other days I feel live again, and that results in guilt and the ever repeating question of “why don’t they give it back?!” Most days now, it’s just hate. More so for myself than for anyone else.

    I may be smart enough to get good grades, and to not cut myself, but in the end I’m not smart enough to get the BEST grades, or to change the way I feel about myself and others. And not being perfect… it’s like perfection is being dangled in front of my face, but I can’t reach it! I’m smart, but I can’t even manage to care for myself! I fail where others succeed. In the end, the only thing I can come down to is that in the endless battle of stress, and trying to be a nice person, but hating myself and knowing that if I accept “good enough” I’ll never be great… It just makes me feel all the more hopeless. And in the end all I can do is love others and hate myself. That way, at least I won’t blame them for not loving me right. The only person I can blame is me for not being even “good enough.” Not for them, not for anyone, and least if all for myself.

    I don’t have a single clue of what to do with all that.

  • Lauren October 12th, 2014 at 8:52 PM #11

    Dear friend!
    I have been there and it is very difficult as your self-esteem and confidence builts up during your childhood.My life was miserable as well.We live once and die at the end if we do not take good care of ourselves,nobody will.Jesus loves you just the way you are and I regained my confidence back after getting out of my comfortzone and prayed and sang and danced.Lower expectation from people and focus on your life.You will meet people who appreciates you but you have to make the setp first not being shaken by your feelings as feelings change and take good care of yourself love the way you are.We all are precious in God’s eyes.

  • Catharine October 15th, 2014 at 7:53 AM #12

    I go through periods when I want to change my self-hatred. I was all excited when I bought Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg, and enjoyed it @ first. But it infuriates me that I should have to read it or anything else that would help me ” love myself.” It’s ridiculous that I should have to learn to love myself. I’ve tried for so long, and my therapist is good, but it’s embarrassing that I still need to do this. I don’t want to talk to my inner child, or speak to myself lovingly like I’m a child. That’s bizarre & I feel foolish. So it makes me hate myself more that I even have to do it. Like I’m some loser that can’t even take care of myself.

  • Catharine October 15th, 2014 at 7:55 AM #13

    I hear ya.

  • Fran October 15th, 2014 at 12:30 PM #14

    Wow I feel the same!

  • Pat A. October 15th, 2014 at 1:43 PM #15

    I found this very interesting. I must admit I see another aspect. As a Christian I know each of us is called for God’s purpose. I know we will experience strong opposition which is fully intended to prevent us from fulfilling the calling on our lives. It very frequently comes from the ones closest to us who are unbelievably cutting and cruel at moments when we most need their support. If we focus on doing what God has called us to do, despite all opposition, we will weather the storms and become victorious.

  • Laura Frizelle October 16th, 2014 at 3:31 AM #16

    Good enough is just fine. You don’t have to be the best or go to the best college. Just do YOUR best. The world needs all of us to develop and share the unique gifts and talents that that we have been given…some will be on a large scale most of us will serve on a small scale. Love and healing are what this world needs most. I am a Christian and I find that I need God’s love so that I can become a more loving person and heal. You are young and have time to search and wrestle and struggle like I did. You can do it!!! Search til you find what your heart needs. Life is worth it!

  • Caroline October 22nd, 2014 at 10:19 PM #17

    Remember, beliefs aren’t always true. But by all means you just keep “knowing” what “God” has planned for everyone, including people who want nothing to do with “him”.

  • D. October 24th, 2014 at 10:24 AM #18

    I grew up with a strict mom, she fought hard to get where she is against the odds of her familiy background( five girls in rural china, education not very much valued). I played piano when i was 6 and i got slapped on the face if i got one note wrong. i understand she was doing her best and that’s probably the only way she knows how to love me, but until now , whenever i call her about the problems i have in my life, she still opens with the line: i knew that, you always have the problem of being too naive, emotional…i have a very loving and understanding father so it makes things a lot better, however once every couple months, i will feel extremly bad, like i dont deserve to be alive and that i am ugly that nobody should love me at all. i am getting my phd and when i dont get much done, i feel stupid. my friends advice me not to call my mom whetehr i am in such a state and only tell her the good news, maybe they are right. i feel so worthless, lonely and a completely failure that can not bring happiness to people around me…sorry about the negativilties, ever since i noticed i have the problem, i have tried to steer my moods to the other directions by excercising and it helps.

  • Kristin November 8th, 2014 at 12:46 PM #19

    Thanks Stacey.
    This is an excellent article, I’ll be sharing it & posting a link to it onto SANE.org’s forum in Australia.

    I find great irony in your location. My own self-hatred was very much fanned (tho’ not started) by multiple experiences of childhood sexual abuse. The most painful occurred in Denver General Hospital. Many others happened in Boulder, where I lived for several years as a child. I’m now in my 50s so it has taken decades for me to see and understand this.

    The more I’ve understood the source of the self-hatred the more I’ve been able to find self-compassion, and the less I’m inclined to judge others for their struggles. Those of us who survive multiple traumas often lose or misunderstand much of the narrative of our own journey, and only when we have sufficient support are we able to gather the pieces of our life-puzzle and begin to rejoin our fragmented self.

    Kind regards,
    Kristin

  • sam November 8th, 2014 at 12:49 PM #20

    I think that I’m fine but when I anylise my patterns I know that I deal with extreme self loathing. Many times a day if I do somthing slightly wrong or embarrassing I chant to myself over and over in my head “I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself” since I was little I have felt like I was bad, that even when I do somthing right, I’m just a bad person. That No mater what I do right, I’m just bad. I hate my looks and I hate my own presence in a room and yet I feel happy, I’m confident in life but underneath I feel so self loathing. I avoid places or thoughts that trigger my self hate so that I don’t have to think about it. I just honestly don’t know what to do

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