“Couple (male and female) talk seriously in counselor's officeThings are really coming together for us,” the man in my office said confidently. “If we can just figure out the kid thing.”

His fiancee nodded.

“The kid thing,” I repeated, turning to her. “I thought you talked about that months ago. You wanted to start a family after finishing business school, right?”

But as it turned out, sometime over the past eight months she had become unsure about having a family. He had chalked it up to her enthusiasm about graduate school and figured she’d change her mind once she finished. But she hadn’t.

By this point, I had been working with this couple for many months. Recently engaged, they were making plans for the holidays with both of their families. They had achieved a lot through therapy, improving their communication as well as their understanding of each other‘s concerns and goals. There were still uncomfortable moments, including when she decided to push the envelope and purchase her own engagement ring. But overall, their relationship was working, and all was good.

A disagreement over whether to have children, however, especially at this stage in a couple’s relationship, is a landmine no therapist can avoid, and I’m grateful to colleagues like Ann Davidman who have developed workshops dedicated to this topic. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

It’s already so difficult for some people to decide they can be compatible with someone for the entirety of their lives. They agree to share a household and relatives, perhaps finances. But if a couple cannot come to an agreement on whether or not to have children, this can mean the end of the relationship.

It’s actually quite miraculous that so many couples share the same outlook toward children, now that we have so much freedom to choose. The path toward becoming a parent used to be more straightforward when fewer couples married for love and birth control wasn’t an option. But that was decades ago. Now we have many choices to consider, such as how many kids? When to have them? Who will work? How will they be cared for? These choices are often complex and require careful thought.

Talking About Kids When the Relationship Gets Serious

So what if you and your partner are getting serious about your relationship, thinking you’re headed in the same direction, whether that is “Yes,” “No,” or “Most likely not,” to kids, but you actually have different ideas? Maybe you already had that talk and were on the same page, but since then one of you has moved in another direction while the other’s commitment to their own decision has never been stronger.

The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I encourage you to consider the following recommendations. Some of these I have used with couples I have worked with in therapy, while others, I have seen play out successfully in other relationships.

During the decision-making process, consider the following:

If you set a timeline and come up with a method (or multiple methods) of discussion, such as couples counseling, weekly relationship meetings, and so on, but reach your timeline without reaching an agreement, I recommend moving on. The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I know plenty of child-free individuals who have made peace with their decision not to have children and enjoy their lives very much. Some chose individually to not have children, while others experienced fertility issues, or simply weren’t with the right person at the right time.

I’ve also known several couples who chose to go forward with parenting and have a child even though one of them was quite on the fence about it, and found that the reticent partner was won over by parenthood and wanted more children than the original enthusiastic partner (this includes the couple mentioned above).

Fear is a normal feeling to have about parenthood, but fear is able to be overcome—if there is a willingness to become a parent and an interest in parenthood, rather than a let’s-wait-and-see-how-much-I’ll-like-it approach.

It is also worth keeping in mind that having children is unlikely to turn out exactly how you think it will. As the partner wanting children, you must acknowledge that you might have a daughter when you want a son, or that you might want your child to have siblings when your partner only wants one child. You may have a special needs child or suffer a painful loss.

The choice to have a family involves a large amount of uncertainty, and the ability for your relationship to weather this uncertainty is what I want the people I work with to feel most confident about. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions of your friends and family about their experiences. Consider what they say carefully, but in the end, trust your instincts. Only you can make this decision for yourself.

Reference:

Carlini, D. L. & Davidman, A. (2016, November 15). Motherhood: Is it for me? Your step-by-step guide to clarity. York, PA: Transformation Books.

Rear view of parent and youth walking on trail in woods and talkingYou have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.

As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.

You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.

How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?

First, Know the Signs

I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.

Discussing Your Concerns with Your Teen 

Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.

It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.

Create a Safety Plan

Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.

1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.

California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.

Text TEEN to 839-863

2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.

Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.

3. Identify when to call 911.

Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.

4. Connect them with a neutral source of support. 

If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.

Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!

References:

  1. 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
  2. How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
  3. Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid

Couple sits together on window seat, deep in conversation, leaning back and looking relaxedEditor’s note: This article is the second in a two-part series. See Avoidant Attachment, Part 1: The Dependence Dilemma.

When we live in a continual state of freeze, we aren’t only hiding, we are living alone (even when we’re in a relationship). Focused on the preservation of Self and resources, driven by self-sufficiency and independence, we come to believe that outside support is not an option. From the outside, it may seem as if we are hoarding food, money, time, words, emotions, and so on. It can also be framed as a conservation of resources in a closed (isolated) system that does not expect any exchange of resources between systems.

With limited resources, efficiency becomes paramount. Many people on the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum may come to depend on the creation and maintenance of a predictable and efficient routine that does not require energy expenditure on avoidable and unresolvable situations like interpersonal conflict.

The Myth of Functional Dissociation

The freeze state, which prepares us to hold and preserve until safety or support arrives, is a very efficient survival response. As such, it brings with it the valuable tool of self-regulation by dissociation. If something feels uncomfortable, we just turn it off. Compartmentalize. Stuff it away. By breaking life into fragments, we can remain present with the portions that are tolerable.

While in many cases this happens automatically, we may also feel as if we’ve mastered dissociation. Though this can happen at both ends of the attachment spectrum, on the avoidant side it can feel functional and intentional. We then might ask our anxious partners (often with disdain versus curiosity, because resentment does tend to build in avoidant attachment), “Why can’t you just turn off your emotion? Why does it have to get so big?”

Dissociation does bring with it some challenges. Memories, emotions, and bodily sensations may become inaccessible. Sometimes the remaining present feels unbearable, so we disappear. If we feel unsafe and dissociative while in a particular moment of life, sometimes we appreciate that moment (or entire relationship) only in retrospect.

Dissociation can also be activated by conflict. The more the other person amplifies, the smaller and more still we might become. Some even dissociate to a point where they become mute (or even fall asleep) during an argument.

If we feel unsafe and dissociative while in a particular moment of life, sometimes we appreciate that moment (or entire relationship) only in retrospect.

So we continue to live in an isolated bubble, preserved and protected, our resources limited because exchange feels unsafe and we believe “Nobody really loves anybody.”

Communication Resignation

“See me. Don’t see me. Get away from me if you can’t see me.”

The spotlight is our nemesis, and words take effort because they elicit our own physical emotional expression, which those around us may judge and reject. The words we put out into the world can be used as weapons against us: they not only reduce the deniability factor when the spotlight comes back around to us, but when others don’t like our words, we may face conflict.

We often resent those closest to us for their perceived judgment and rejection, for crossing boundaries we never articulated, or for not knowing how to draw us out from our silence (that to us is speaking volumes). From our perspective, we’ve been sending out very clear signals that nobody is picking up.

There is a fatalism inherent in the freeze state.

The Evidence

Showing a person on the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum that it’s okay to need people can be a hard sell. So, let’s take a look at the evidence. The following traits are often indicators of an unacknowledged need for people:

Many of us learn early in life to separate from uncomfortable sensations and emotions by dissociating and compartmentalizing. We may become so good at it that we don’t recognize when it’s happening. This is how we handle things like separation. We don’t realize we miss anyone because we dissociate from loneliness. And when they return from that trip to the store, we can fall right back into our story that says we need nobody, that nobody should need anyone.

Healing

If the dilemma lies in our dissociation from discomfort and our own internal denial of social needs, then healing comes in recognition and gradual exposure to discomfort in feeling and expressing those needs. This healing might include leaning vulnerably on others and feeling met at our own level. A sense of agency in meeting our own social needs can feel liberating, and as our bodies learn to relax, over time we may find it even easier to meet those needs. We experience others as more safe and open as we ourselves open up to their presence and accept ourselves the way we wish to be accepted by others.

These tips can help further healing:

References:

  1. Kinnison, J. (2016, October 18). Type: Dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Retrieved from https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant
  2. Sattin, N. (2015, December 29). 19: Recipe for a secure, healthy relationship with Stan Tatkin. (2015, December 29). Retrieved from http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2015/12/19-recipe-for-a-secure-healthy-relationship-with-stan-tatkin
  3. Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partners brain can help you defuse conflicts and spark intimacy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Two partners sit on opposite sides of sofa looking away from each otherEditor’s note: This article is the first in a two-part series. See Avoidant Attachment, Part 2: The Downside of Preservation.

We’re in a relationship, and we feel nothing. Or we gather an ever-growing stockpile of resentment, invoking various strategies to escape intimacy without actually rejecting our partner or escalating into conflict. Does this sound familiar?

While romantic relationships may start off with blissful ease, the dependence of connection can eventually feel threatening. We might feel as if their needs are overtaking ours. We may have less time to relax or get things done in the presence of others. We have to hold our guard against judgment or rejection, and we may come to yearn for bodily regulation, free from social threat, in the safety of alone time.

We can’t assert ourselves, because we worry our needs trigger those around us, increasing and amplifying their needs. The most direct path toward self-regulation requires disengagement from others. So as their needs amplify, we withdraw, maybe even shut down, knowing engagement only increases threat of conflict.

Authentic connection may feel unsafe in this conditioned reality of social threat. It isn’t possible for us to lean on an Other, and intimacy is not allowed. Dependence has come to equal imprisonment, and conflict means the demise of self-agency, which to some, may feel like the death of Self. While saying, “Don’t see me,” we resent those who do not see us. [fat_widget_right]

In our more resourced moments—maybe during time alone, when our bodies are calm—we may desire connection, recognize patterns of limited relationships, admit to loneliness, or even regret about the ways we’ve pushed others away. We may be curious how we can become more emotionally available to those we love. It may be the case that we only feel softness and desire for connection in retrospect, when our bodies feel calm and regulated, when resources feel replenished. We feel love only in its absence.

Avoidant Origins

If neglect leads to obliviousness and oppression fosters freeze/dissociation, then we are left with two options. Either we do not know our emotions exist or we actively separate from the discomfort of them, walling them off so they do not exist in our perceived reality.

If reflection teaches us about ourselves, neglect presents a null mirror, leaving us less aware and without language for internal experience. Oppression often removes any permission to speak or assert ourselves. We might feel more comfortable in our minds when we are solving problems and finding value and purpose in that. We may even seek out problems that need solutions, chaos that seeks refinement, or relationships that confirm our belief we cannot depend on anyone because their needs are too great.

When we experience consistent disconnection (oppression or neglect) in childhood, we often feel easily engulfed by the emotional needs of others. We may desire space and freedom to meet our own needs without having to track or navigate theirs. We have learned through childhood experience that our presence—our emotions, our needs, our mere existence—is a burden. So we contain these things. We internalize and enforce counter-dependent rules in ourselves and in others.

We are drawn toward the illusion of connection, often describing our ideal partner as one that “gets” us in such a way that we need not put any effort into explaining, that we need not become vulnerable. This level of attunement is both the missing experience of empathy we lacked in childhood and the mirage of our attachment journey.

When feeling helpless to meet the needs of others, we often use strategies to disengage the attachment systems of those around us, perceiving their escalating emotions as a growing threat (especially when accompanied by facial or other physical expressions of anger that remind us of early life oppression). But this might look like withdrawal and can feel like abandonment to the people we love, who may find themselves walking on eggshells to avoid exposing us to emotions that trigger our feelings of oppression or helplessness (in much the same way that we attempt to avoid triggering their attachment reactions).

Seclusion and Delusion

Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, suggests that we on the avoidant side tend to conceptualize the world in terms of individual systems rather than social/interactive systems. (“I take care of me. You take care of you.”) While we may occasionally function well in pairs or groups, the transition into those settings can feel threatening, and our resistance may present an ongoing challenge in relationship. We live lives more solitary, even in a romantic partnership. [amazon_affiliate]

We are drawn toward the illusion of connection, often describing our ideal partner as one that “gets” us in such a way that we need not put any effort into explaining, that we need not become vulnerable. This level of attunement is both the missing experience of empathy we lacked in childhood and the mirage of our attachment journey.

As a defense, we often remain intent on naming the absence of empathy, even seeking confirmation that our partners are not providing such a basic human need. We might say, “This doesn’t feel like love.” Or, “I want to be loved, not needed.” More likely, we’ll say nothing. We’ll simply resent this relationship in which we feel unseen and unknown, resent partners for not picking up on our signals, for not providing the empathy and acceptance for which we yearn, the positive reflections we never received.

While any extreme attachment posture creates challenges when navigating romantic relationships, those on the avoidant end of the spectrum often feel helplessness in response to external emotion (“You’re supposed to contain your emotion. If you can’t contain your own, I can’t contain it for you.”), reacting instinctively in ways that inhibit intimacy. Eventually patterns of broken relationships and unmet needs may be recognized, and the belief that love is not actually possible may be the result.

The Freeze State: Hiding and Hoarding

When fight and flight are not viable options, we move into freeze. We avoid detection and conserve resources.

That urge to disappear, to become small and quiet—that’s freeze. In decreasing presentation of Self, we decrease risk of being seen. We preserve our chances of survival. For those on the avoidant side, being seen may feel unsafe. But this creates internal conflict.

We may have been born with an innate drive to connect and lean on others, but survival has overridden attachment, though the drive for attachment remains active. The yearning to be seen and loved is countered by the drive to become small and invisible to threats. When safety is the underlying goal, hiding becomes nuanced, entangled in everyday behaviors that others may not even recognize.

Many of us practice any number of these avoidant strategies, but this doesn’t mean we are limited to them. We also carry anxious and secure strategies, right along with the avoidant ones. The challenge lies in recognizing the strategies we default to and working to develop our tool belt of alternatives.

Scarcity is a common perspective between anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The anxious side views interpersonal connection in terms of scarcity. (“I can never get enough. It’s always disappearing.”) The avoidant end tends to view time, space, and other resources in terms of scarcity. And when resources are viewed as individual possessions rather than shared, conservation often dictates competition and resentment. (“My time is not our time. We can’t both get needs met at the same time. When I’m with you, my needs will not be met.”)

A Menu of Strategies: Distract, Deflect, Disengage

While those on the anxious end of attachment often use strategies to amplify and draw attention, we on the avoidant end lean toward the opposite. We actively diminish and contain our reactions in order to avoid detection and negative attention. For those organized around the expectation of continued oppression, negative focus can feel unbearable and unresolvable.

We tend to do whatever is necessary to avoid judgment and rejection, which means a low tolerance for blame or responsibility (and decreased likelihood of apologizing or acknowledging our own faults). While partners may perceive them as premeditated, these survival behaviors are often subconscious and automatic.

Beyond more obvious avoidant strategies like not speaking, physically isolating, chasing alone time and saying “No” by default in order to maintain space and physical regulation, we may utilize a wide range of more subtle strategies to conceal our needs and perceived inadequacies and ensure we avoid attack/judgment/rejection:

Within this process lies invalidation of Self and Other. Over time, the shaming inherent in these strategies can change those around us. As they lose their light, they may initiate less, which may make them feel safer (less confrontational) to us. But what this also means is that they may be growing closer to the point of rejection that we expected all along. In this way, by rejecting their bids for intimacy, we create what we fear and expect: rejection by those closest to us.

Many of us practice any number of these avoidant strategies, but this doesn’t mean we are limited to them. We also carry anxious and secure strategies, right along with the avoidant ones. The challenge lies in recognizing the strategies we default to and working to develop our tool belt of alternatives. If you aren’t sure of how to begin, a qualified and compassionate counselor can help.

References:

  1. Kinnison, J. (2016, October 18). Type: Dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Retrieved from https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant
  2. Sattin, N. (2015, December 29). 19: Recipe for a secure, healthy relationship with Stan Tatkin. (2015, December 29). Retrieved from http://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2015/12/19-recipe-for-a-secure-healthy-relationship-with-stan-tatkin
  3. Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partners brain can help you defuse conflicts and spark intimacy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Mature couple relaxing together on sofa hold coffee and smile at each other in living room What does the word “integrity” mean to you?

To me, it means to be a good person and citizen, one who doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal. Having integrity means having a system of morals and ethics that I believe in and do my best to adhere to in all my dealings.

This may not always come easily, for any of us. Even the most kind and loving among us can struggle to do the right thing at times. There sometimes seems to be a small tug of war happening in the event of a moral challenge or difficult situation, and the cartoon vision of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other might come to mind.

I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, that our baser nature sometimes rears its ugly head. As humans we are fallible, we make mistakes, and—no matter the issue—we seem to be able to justify any action we take.

When we truly have integrity, though, good will win out the majority of the time. The truth will prevail. The “angel on our shoulder” is who we listen to most often, in a manner of speaking. [fat_widget_right]

Let’s consider now what integrity means in terms of a marriage or romantic partnership. In my opinion, it means all the above and more. It means putting a partner’s happiness right up there with our own. We make choices that are good for us, yes, but we also make choices that are good for the relationship, that will serve our lives and happiness as a couple. Doing so might sometimes involve hard and selfless choices, when those choices might lead to the betterment of the relationship.

What integrity with a partner means to me is the act of prioritizing a life together and working together to meet my needs, but also those of my partner, in a collaborative way. Some of these things might go unrecognized. I simply do them because I am acting with integrity, not out of the desire for praise or recognition. And that’s just what integrity is—doing the right thing, even though no one is watching.

1. Maintaining integrity when together

Integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners.

Integrity brings with it authenticity, vulnerability and an honesty that is kind and never harsh. We don’t have to always agree, or even approve of a partner’s decisions, but when we have integrity, we treat them with compassion, openness, and kindness. This might mean talking over all important decisions together. Make sure the relationship remains a priority and show respect and appreciation always. When we get triggered (because we will. It happens), we take the time to sort it out, rather than blaming, keeping score, making things personal, or bringing up past events when there is no point in doing so. Integrity might mean remaining committed to dealing with the issue at hand. When we can diffuse some of the stress with humor or kindness, so much the better.

2. Maintaining integrity when apart

Maintaining integrity when separated from a partner by time or distance may simply mean remaining mindful of the attachment we have to them. We might speak often, whenever possible, or simply be there when they seek us out. We choose not to put ourselves into situations that could create conflict, and we avoid inconsistencies with our words and/or actions. In order to feel secure and connected to our partners when distance is an issue, transparency is crucial.

3. Maintaining integrity in public

Public integrity means never intentionally embarrassing, humiliating, or belittling a partner, and perhaps even avoiding having any kind of a negative discussion in front of other people. Whether we are among friends, family or strangers, it may help us to remember (or remind each other!): We are a team, a pair, and it doesn’t serve us to be divided by any kind of petty insults or bickering in public.

If partners have a disagreement that requires immediate discussion, an alternative to hashing it out in public might be to step aside and discuss the issue and come to a reasonable conclusion together, or at least resolve it to a point that can wait until private discussion.

4. Maintaining integrity in private

When we are alone together, we show integrity by listening to what our partners have to say. We take note of the hopes and dreams they express; talk about the “hard stuff” or any challenges that arise; and build and share a deep and emotional connection. We trust each other never to betray our confidences. We read between the lines when we need to, and ask further questions and expand on that communication. In short, we do our best to be patient and supportive and let our partner know how much we care about their needs and desires. We show and share our deepest selves without fear of rejection.

We may not talk so much about integrity these days, but integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners. Doing the right thing for ourselves often means we are doing the right thing for our partners and families, as well. By acting with integrity, we model it for our children. By setting an example of doing the right thing, even when it’s an unpopular or difficult action, we allow our children to witness an important life lesson. Our consistent choice to act with integrity is likely to have a lasting impact, one that may even color their choices in the future.

Adult with short dark hair and beard sits on bench, hands steepled against face, looking downI believe infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can experience and attempt to recover from. In my work with people who have experienced infidelity—who may still be reeling from its effects—I’ve noticed some similarities between their varied experiences. While some come to me days after discovery and others may wait decades, many of those seeking help share one common experience, regardless of the amount of time that has passed: the pressure to forgive.

While many partners who have been unfaithful and want to salvage the relationship seek to be forgiven, sometimes almost immediately, many partners who have been betrayed are not ready to forgive until they are sure their partner understands the pain the act has caused.

Understanding Infidelity’s Impact

Infidelity can come in many forms, and it is not always characterized by a sexual relationship. Often infidelity occurs in the form of a new relationship outside the primary relationship. In some instances infidelity may be undetectable to all involved. Typically, an affair suggests that an individual was unfaithful over a period of time with an affair partner was an active, knowing participant. To some, infidelity also includes secret thoughts about a person other than a partner or the development of an emotional connection outside the primary relationship. A partner can also be unfaithful by hiding income or debt.

In most cases, infidelity is evidenced by: [fat_widget_right]

  1. Guilt over the crossing of relationship boundaries, even if one partner is not aware of what happened.
  2. Acts or thoughts kept secret by one partner because they know the other partner would not approve
  3. A feeling of betrayal when the acts or thoughts are discovered or revealed.

People who have been unfaithful may not be aware they have crossed the line into infidelity. They may also not have had the intention of harming their partner. In the aftermath of unfaithfulness, however, they often discover the pain experienced by the other person goes deeper than they could have imagined.

A betrayed partner may come to find their world view, sense of safety, and very identity has been shaken. Many people I treat experience both physical and emotional symptoms, such as intrusive thoughts that creep in over the course of their day, difficulty sleeping or eating, or depression symptoms, among others. These effects, and the pain experienced as a result, may heal in time. But time does not automatically heal the wounds of infidelity; therefore, there is not a specific timeline for forgiveness. Couples who want to recover from the trauma of infidelity generally find it necessary to invest significant time and effort into rebuilding the relationship.

What Forgiveness Can Signify—and What It Doesn’t

After infidelity comes to light, the person who was unfaithful may hope to be forgiven right away. While forgiveness may be a necessary part of infidelity recovery, it generally does not occur at the beginning of the recovery process. In my experience, forgiveness more often comes near the end of the process.  To the partner who was betrayed, forgiveness often means the end of the journey. Why? Because forgiveness can feel dangerous.

Forgiveness can feel dangerous because, to some, it may indicate certain beliefs they may not necessarily support. Let’s consider a few of those.

1. I can never feel hurt or upset again.

When an affair is discovered, couples who are trying to reconcile may fall into opposite roles. The partner who was betrayed is the “good” partner while the partner who was unfaithful is the “bad” one. They remain in these roles until the “good” partner sees the “bad” partner begin to understand the hurt they experienced as a result of the “bad” partner’s actions.

Hurt stemming from a breach of trust such as infidelity may cause emotions and symptoms that affect activities of daily life. In this case, the betrayed partner may feel it’s better to forgive for the good of the relationship, but that doing so will remove the pain from the experience. By forgiving, they might feel, they can never try to heal from the pain or learn what is needed to prevent it from happening again.

But forgiveness does not wipe away or invalidate the pain or trauma resulting from an act of infidelity, nor does it indicate the person who was betrayed no longer experiences those emotions.

2. I am excusing or accepting your behavior.

Many partners I’ve worked with struggle with the idea that forgiving infidelity does not mean the behavior is acceptable. Some equate it to raising children: if there are no consequences to deter behavior, then the behavior is excused. Partners who have been betrayed may feel by forgiving, they are offering the partner who was unfaithful a “get out of jail free” card.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result.

But both partners need to work to find a way to separate the pain of the breach from the freedom of forgiveness. The reality is, forgiveness is for the forgiver. It can help to think of forgiveness as taking the weight of your own hurt and pain and tossing it into the ocean. By forgiving, you are saying “I do not want to carry this burden of pain any longer.” A person can still experience hurt as a result of a behavior but choose to forgive—because they want to begin to heal.

3. Now I have to want to restore the relationship.

A partner who has been unfaithful may believe once they are forgiven, the relationship will return to the way it was or be automatically repaired. But this may not be the case. Even when a person is able to forgive, they may still not be ready to repair the relationship, at that time or at any time.

Restoration is not always the goal of infidelity recovery, and infidelity recovery does not have to involve both partners. Sometimes one or both partners may choose to heal alone. Forgiving a partner who was unfaithful may, to some, mean moving on from the relationship. Some partners who were unfaithful may similarly choose to move on from the relationship.

I teach the people I work with that there are levels to recovery.

In most cases the first level is sufficient for individuals who choose to recover on their own. Reconciliation is necessary to rebuild trust, but it is important to remember forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation will follow.

4. Now I must be ready to trust completely.

I’ve heard partners who have been unfaithful say, “If you forgive me, then you have to trust me.” I work diligently to teach them forgiveness and trust are two separate events. Forgiveness can mean a partner wants to trust again at some point, but it may not yet be possible. Forgiveness helps the person forgiving find release from pain, while trust can allow the person who was forgiven to find release from guilt. The act of rebuilding trust also requires the participation of both partners.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result. While in some cases, forgiveness may not be possible, in other cases being unable to forgive may prolong pain.

Finding the place where forgiveness is beneficial can be a delicate process, and patience, with both the self and with one’s partner, is more likely to aid recovery than forcing the process. No recovery has a timeline or a shortcut. Recovering is hard work, whether partners choose to end a relationship or attempt to rebuild it. In either case, recovering from infidelity can present an opportunity for both partners to find strength and grow, and couples counseling can be a helpful step in this process.

Person sitting in cafe looks at phone with bored or annoyed expressionFrustrations and disappointments are all too common for those who engage in modern dating. Mutual interest and attraction alone can be difficult to find, especially as online dating becomes more of a norm. Sometimes there might not even be an opportunity to really determine whether or not there is a mutual interest.

Given the amount of frustration and pain that can result from the dating experience, it may make sense to consider what we can do to make the experience less painful all around.

Of course, it isn’t possible to control or change other people. What we can do is to save ourselves the pain of a guilty conscience while simultaneously saving others from the pain of being treated poorly.

Consider some of the following common dating behaviors—and more ethical alternatives that honor the universal golden rule: the idea of treating others with the kindness and respect we wish to be treated with.

Ghosting

One common experience in the dating arena is blowing someone off, or “ghosting,” as it is sometimes called. It’s true that the experience of looking at numerous dating profiles and talking to potential dates can be overwhelming, and responding to every interested suitor is often not feasible. [fat_widget_right]

Choosing not to respond to a communication from someone you are not interested is not unethical behavior, but if you have engaged in some sort of substantive communication with someone, perhaps even met them for a date, ghosting that person after they have invested time and emotional energy into getting to know you can amount to treating that person poorly. (This does not include instances where a person harassed or threatened you, disrespected your boundaries, or made you feel otherwise unsafe.)

Ghosting behavior can communicate the message, “Your feelings mean nothing to me.” If you find you are not interested in continuing the process of getting to know someone after there has been substantial conversation or an initial date, a better way to handle the situation might be sending a simple message letting them know you have lost interest. You might also choose to include a brief and tactful explanation as to why, if appropriate.

For example, if after a first date you realize you aren’t interested, you might send a message saying, “Thank you for taking the time to meet me. I am sorry to tell you I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry. I wish you luck!” This message will take little time and gives you the satisfaction of knowing you’re not leaving a loose end. Further, you are saving the other person from the potential emotional pain of being in the dark about where you stand or why you lost interest.

Benching

Another dating practice that can potentially cause pain, sometimes referred to as “benching,” involves sending mixed messages that can effectively lead a person on by not letting them know where you really stand or your true goals with regard to dating.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity. Toying with a person’s feelings and sending mixed messages can simply be different versions of the same behavior: In short, you are not being clear and honest about your true intentions.

If you realize after meeting someone that you are not sufficiently into them to invest in an exclusive relationship, the best course of action is to be clear and honest about this. If you let the other person think you are still interested in the same type of relationship they are, you are not acting with integrity.

As an alternative, why not simply be honest? If you aren’t ready for or interested in anything more than a casual relationship (for example, you would like to have sex with the other person), tell them so and let them make an informed choice about the matter. They could very well feel the same way, and a mutually beneficial “friends with benefits” type of relationship could ensue. It could also be that a purely sexual relationship, or “fling,” is the last thing the other person wants. By being honest about your intentions, you avoid burdening your own conscience, but more importantly, you can avoid inflicting others with undue pain by giving them all the information and letting them make their own choice.

Exploitation

Another unethical behavior may be more difficult to spot or even recognize in yourself. What I’m referring to is the exploitation of another person’s interest.

Consider, for example, this situation: You have been honest with a person you have been seeing about your lukewarm interest, expressed the absence of romantic feelings on your part, and conveyed that your interest is perhaps only in a physical, non-exclusive relationship. The other person has agreed to these terms.

On the surface, this scenario might seem just fine. After all, you were honest about your feelings, and the other person agreed to the level of involvement. And it might, in fact, be fine. But it can become unethical if, say, the other person is harboring secret hopes that you’ll “come around” to the idea of a relationship and/or that their feelings for you will eventually “catch” and be reciprocated, and you realize this but let things continue as they have been.

If it becomes clear the other person has feelings for you and may be going along with your proposition and the level of involvement you have expressed being interested in, hoping you might change your mind and want an actual relationship, the best thing to do may be to end the involvement. Continuing it could not only lead to an exploitation of the other’s unwillingness to end something that isn’t quite what they are looking for, but also consider that by being less than honest about what they truly want and/or their relationship needs, the other person is not respecting your needs.

At this point, the best action may be to simply let the other person know something just doesn’t feel right and end the relationship.

In Summary

Some may find it easy to attribute certain dating practices to individuals on basis of gender, but generally speaking, I do not believe any gender in particular is more or less at fault when it comes to to dating behaviors that may be inconsiderate or unkind. We can all work to treat other people with greater kindness and respect. The dating experience tends to contain enough pain and frustration on its own without the additional layer of pain we can add by treating others carelessly, whatever our intentions. Those who are dating may find it helpful to keep the golden rule in mind. Consider how you would feel if someone ghosted you.

If you find you sometimes engage in behaviors you are not proud of, behaviors that don’t line up with your values, you can work to address these by finding a skilled psychotherapist who can empathize with you for the ways you may have been treated poorly while also helping you understand and resolve the underlying drivers of your own behaviors.

References:

  1. Hogi, F. (2016, August 15). Ghosting, benching, and zombieing – A modern dater’s guide. Huffington Post. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/francesca-hogi/ghosting-benching-and-zom_b_11458718.html
  2. McNamara, B. (2016, June 9). “Benching” is the cruel new dating trend that’s even worse than ghosting. Teen Vogue. Retrieved from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/benching-dating-trend-ghosting
  3. Young, S. (2016, December 20). Ghosting, benching, and DTR: What these 13 popular dating terms really mean. Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/dating-relationship-terms-terms-what-they-mean-game-ghosting-benching-dtr-fbo-thirst-trap-a7486511.html

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I need some friendly feedback with a problem I am stuck with. I am a 60-year-old male who was diagnosed 23 years ago with gender dysphoria. I have just “dealt” with it by staying in the closet, seeing a therapist as needed, and basically choosing not to entertain the idea of transition for family concerns. I am now single again, have met a nice cis woman, and would like to get serious—but I am unsure if I should be totally open about this part of me. I have always been a person of integrity, honest and truthful, which sometimes hurts others but it’s who I am.

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When I shared this with a woman once before, it ruined a chance for marriage. She was unable to even talk about it and chose to walk away. I never transitioned even partially or lived as the opposite gender. Is it important that I mention this now?

I realize society is more supportive than ever before, but there are still plenty of folks in the world who abhor anything that does not fit into the male-female binary. I have read numerous accounts where other men in a similar situation never said anything, got married, then out of the blue would share this part of them or would start cross-dressing again and naturally the wife was taken by surprise, shocked, and confused. Usually, the marriage ends and everyone is hurt.

I haven’t cross-dressed in 20 years and have no plans to start up again, but this doesn’t ease my fear at what might happen if I come clean with my new partner and prospective wife. What to do? —Questioning

Dear Questioning,

Thank you so much for writing in with this topic.

When I first sat down to reply, my inclination was to offer what I hope will be received as comfort: reassurance that you have multiple choices regarding your own communication. You are under no moral obligation to disclose any idea about gender (or anything else) to another person if you don’t want to. Your gender is your truth, and your gender does not make up the entirety of who you are.

But I imagine you are writing to a therapy website for a reason. If you were okay continuing to do what you’ve already done in relationships (after at least one very powerful, very negative experience disclosing in the past), I don’t think you would have taken the time to construct this letter.

I would like to gently challenge the narrative you have about your disclosure “ruining a chance for marriage,” shifting the blame away from you individually. Was it not your partner’s rigidity about sex and gender that pushed you away? Can we think about this as a paradigm incompatibility rather than a mistake you yourself made?

In general, if someone is looking for a “serious” relationship (as you say you are now), a critical part of the early stages is getting to know the other person and collecting evidence for whether you will be compatible long-term, is it not? It sounds like some of the anxiety you are experiencing is the normal anxiety of any person in a new relationship—“Will this person turn and run if I share what I really feel inside? Is it safe to trust this person?” Of course, in your case, some of the baggage also carries a gendered focus you have been painfully discouraged from sharing in the past. So far, though, you’ve only alluded to a sharing of ideas, which I hope any partner would remain available for.

I think deconstructing and delineating gender roles is helpful in any relationship, not just in a relationship where one partner is transgender or gender dysphoric. It sounds like you may not decide to “medically” transition in a surgical or hormonal sense, but wouldn’t it be nice to break out of the confines of masculinity as they may be prescribed upon you?

I imagine you have witnessed a great deal of social change regarding gender roles across your lifespan. From this, and from other life experiences, what have you come you expect from yourself, and what do you need in order to feel supported, affirmed, and loved in your relationships? If this includes permission to be fluid and expansive in your expressions of gender, then that is something you are entitled to pursue. If this includes simply the space to air what you’re thinking, free of judgment, that is also completely reasonable. If the relationship is healthy, your partner should not attempt to serve as some sort of mind police for which thoughts are and aren’t okay for you to have and for you to explore. In my experience, our identities, thoughts, and desires are not very good at obediently conforming to socially-sanctioned categories.

When I am working with someone who has come to therapy to explore their sense of gender identity, one of my subgoals is to help them seek out affirming community outside of the therapy room. Whether you decide to formally “transition” or not, having folks around who will appreciate your honesty and not force you to adapt to rigid and even false categories will help you feel more liberated in all of your relationships.

You don’t mention what region you live in, but I will acknowledge that certainly some places are friendlier than others toward those who don’t fit into a simple male-female binary where biological sex and expressed gender align. I also won’t pretend that my own age bracket (I’m 29) isn’t generally more accepting of gender expansion than your generation in many cases. But that doesn’t mean the resources for support and understanding aren’t out there. To find in-person support, PFLAG, a wide-ranging national organization, should be able to connect you to affirming transgender resources within an hour’s travel or so of where you are living if you are living in the States. I’ve also listed some other online communities in the Resources section at the end of this article.

It is nice to have the freedom to speak difficult and complicated truths within our partnerships. But it’s not just nice: this freedom also forms the foundation of safety and trust.

I have found that establishing a social support net that can “catch” you when the going gets tough—whether this support comes remotely or in-person—can, in a sense, lower the stakes of a relationship. You have reinforcement. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a specially-reserved form of terror for our most intimate partnerships, particularly if we have experienced abandonment following the decision to open up in the past.

In 2007, I gave a report on what was then referred to as Gender Identity Disorder, which included a description of the legal entitlements of spouses to recipients of this diagnosis. If individuals were married, spouses used to be required to sign off on a medical decision if their partner was seeking sexual reassignment surgery. Remembering this report has me thinking now: what are the functions of disclosing gender dysphoria to one’s partner? Is it to clear the air, or is it maybe to help them plan for some sort of action? It summons the idea that our identities are most often formed in relation to others, and that to have a partner who challenges gender might mean we challenge our own identities, too. Marriage and intimate partnership can create a sort of collaborative identity formation, but this doesn’t mean you should sacrifice that which is precious to you.

Are you interested in wearing differently-gendered clothing in the presence of your partner or in trying out different kinds of sex other than p-i-v intercourse? These are behaviors of interest to a broad range of people, including those who do not identify as trans. I do not ask these things to suggest that gender dysphoria is the same as having a cross-dressing kink, or is a kink at all. I ask because my ideas about communication on the topic of gender dysphoria are informed by the same kind of openness and honesty I encourage when working with sexual minorities and kinksters.

My concern for you continuing to maintain the status quo of past relationships is that our unrealized desires so often have a way of breeding resentment if pushed away or neglected for too long, either by ourselves or by our partners. It seems you have more than two decades of experience with this.

It is nice to have the freedom to speak difficult and complicated truths within our partnerships. But it’s not just nice: this freedom also forms the foundation of safety and trust. I am admittedly biased; as a relational therapist, I have a strong leaning to encourage others to put all their cards on the table and to keep the lines of communication open. But I’m not alone. For example, in his “sexpert” blog, Reid Mihalko claims that it’s what we’re NOT saying that’s damaging our relationships. He makes the following case for transparency:

“If you share the things you think might end the relationship and the relationship doesn’t end, now you’re having a Relationship with a Capital R! Sure it’s scary to say the scary things, and it’s bound to kick up a lot of emotional flotsam at times, but what if you and your partners could work through it? What if letting the “cat out of the bag” built more trust and a deeper sense of security and intimacy than wondering if your partner is withholding important things from you?

When you say what is not being said, especially the big, bad, hairy, scary stuff, you model for your loved ones that they can share all the things they’re not saying, too. Over time, you get to know your partners more as they get to know you more, and you’ll realize that they’re choosing to be in a relationship with the real you, not some façade of who you think they need you to be.”

I will admit that we do not live in a universally gender-progressive utopia, and it is certainly not often safe—emotionally or physically—to disclose our grapplings with traditional gender roles. As an example of complex intersectional identities, Asiel Adan Sanchez shares a complex narrative about how their relationship to a Mexican cultural identity complicates their gender identity narrative and how the traditional notion of coming out can lead to cultural and ethnic erasure. I won’t pretend these categories are simple. I also don’t know your cultural context, your given family history, or how long your previous relationships lasted: certainly these factors can reasonably affect your choices about how you experience and express gender. Since you are the only one who has to live your life, only you can know what decisions are best for your specific context.

Your letter brings to the surface so many ethical quandaries we all wrestle with regarding intimate disclosure! To what extent are our partners entitled to the regulation of our minds and of our bodies? No matter how you answer these questions for yourself and your new relationship, I sincerely hope you find a safe, affirming, and healthy way to explore feelings, roles, and identities—not just in a confidential therapy room or anonymous online forum, but in the safety of romantic partnership as well. I wish you the best!

Warmly,

Sharon Glassburn, LMFT

References:

  1. Adan Sanchez, A. (2017, July 7). The whiteness of ‘coming out’: culture and identity in the disclosure narrative. Archer Magazine. Retrieved from http://archermagazine.com.au/2017/07/culture-coming-out
  2. Mihalko, R. (2012, March 20). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. Reid About Sex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula

Resources:

Photo of couple's entwined hands against background of sea and sunsetThis article walks the reader through an imaginary sexual interaction between a couple working to overcome various challenges in order to connect. Throughout the story, the author will interject to highlight what worked and describe the research-based skills that made it possible. This article focuses on the woman’s experience. Next month, the author will present the same interaction from the perspective of the man. Though this article focuses on a heterosexual couple, the scenario could easily take place between individuals of any gender.

The relationship between the two partners described here represents a composite of cases from the author’s work as a sex therapist. A year ago they were distant, hurt, and defensive, and they have both worked hard in therapy to get to this point—a much better place.

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Sandra gets home from work at 6 p.m., tired from a long day. Before she can even think about relaxing, she needs to prepare dinner, do chores, and make sure the kids are ready for school the next day. Devon, Sandra’s partner, gets home shortly after Sandra and helps her finish cooking. By the time they have addressed chores and childcare, it’s already 9:30 p.m.

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

The dual control model of sexual response, developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s, organizes sexual response into two parts: the Sexual Excitation System (SES), the sexual “accelerator,” and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), the sexual “brake.” Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

Devon and Sandra have spent time learning about their own and each other’s SES and SIS. Things that typically trigger Sandra’s SIS, or brake, include worry about the children, stress about her to-do list, physical fatigue, and, at a deeper level, fears of inadequacy as a partner. Sandra’s brake is moderately sensitive, meaning that these factors inhibit her desire and arousal, but not so much that they feel insurmountable. On the other hand, Sandra’s SES, or accelerator, has a low sensitivity. This means her sexual response takes a while to warm up. Things that engage Sandra’s accelerator include Devon helping with chores, feeling desired, planning sex ahead of time, noticing Devon’s positive traits, and experiencing a slow build of physical stimulation.

“You work so hard,” Devon says, wrapping his arms around Sandra, “I want to help you relax and feel good tonight.” Sandra remembers they talked this morning about having sex tonight, but sex is the last thing on her mind right now. She feels a rush of inadequacy and anxiety about not being a more responsive partner, but she also feels annoyance at the expectation for her to be sexual after a long day. Sandra stops herself in these self-critical thoughts, takes a deep breath, and remembers that although her SIS is blocking any sexual desire she might feel otherwise, this is perfectly normal, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Each person’s SES and SIS have different levels of sensitivity. There is no right or wrong here—the important part is for each person to learn what specific conditions are optimal for their own sexual response.

She collects her thoughts to respond: “Honey, that sounds wonderful. I want to connect with you too. I just need some time to switch gears from work and “mommy mode” into “sexy mode.” Devon nods and smiles; he knows this. Sandra continues with a specific request, “Could we spend some time cuddling and talking about us for a bit first?” Devon agrees and offers to massage Sandra while they talk. As Sandra’s stress dissipates, she notices her body feeling more relaxed and aroused.

Sandra did three things here: she stopped her judgmental thoughts, recognized what she needed to release her brake and begin to engage her accelerator, and communicated what she needed in a way her partner could receive and understand. Devon knows Sandra’s SES and SIS well, and the couple has practiced communicating about this, and these factors both help matters significantly.

As Sandra begins to kiss Devon and touch his body, her desire builds. Over the past year, she has become more confident taking the initiative in their sexual interactions, which also helps signal to Devon when she is feeling ready. He reciprocates, and they slowly build the foreplay into full-body stroking, fondling, and teasing of each other’s erogenous zones. This feels wonderful, and yet Sandra notices part of her mind is preoccupied. She knows it will take at least another thirty minutes of focused stimulation in order for her to build to a large climax. Sandra has heard that some women come easily, but she has never been one of them. She used to feel ashamed of this, wondering what was wrong with her. Now, she actively practices embracing her body just as it is. Her accelerator is more like a slow-cooker than a flash-fryer—she takes longer, but the process of getting there can be quite enjoyable.

Sandra has learned certain things help turn up the heat more quickly, such as using a vibrator on her clitoris before and during intercourse or having an extended period of foreplay. Tonight, however, Sandra decides she wants to enjoy the slow simmer rather than push her body for a climax. She’ll save that for their Saturday date night when they both have more time and energy. Wanting to communicate this to Devon in a way that doesn’t feel like rejection, Sandra remembers she has options to describe pleasure. “Honey, I’m so into you and love being close like this. Tonight, my body is taking time to warm up, and I know it would take a while for me to come. So I want to fully relish riding the slow, rolling waves of pleasure I’m feeling, without having to push for something more.”

Devon replies, “You know I don’t mind spending time on your pleasure. We’ll take however long you need.” Sandra continues. “Thank you, honey. This right here is exactly what I want. The way you stroke me and hold me feels amazing and has me wanting more of you. I’d like to have intercourse for a little while until we both feel satisfied, then get to sleep before it gets too late.” Devon has done enough of his own work in therapy to be able to both trust Sandra will ask for what she wants and accept it’s okay if she doesn’t orgasm. They have intercourse until both feel satisfied and hold each other afterwards, expressing their appreciation for the shared pleasure and intimacy.

Techniques to Improve Communication

Sandra used several techniques here. First, she gave herself permission to let go of orgasm as a measure of success. Once she did so, she was able to identify what she actually wanted in that specific moment. She then communicated her desires clearly using flexible language to describe her pleasure and genuine affirmations for her partner. When Sandra and Devon began therapy, they, like many couples, were not accustomed to verbalizing positive feedback or asking specifically for what they want sexually, and it seemed awkward and unnatural to them at first. However, practicing this regularly has had immeasurable benefits for their sex life and relationship. Sandra and Devon succeeded because they learned what activates their SES and SIS, or sexual response accelerators and brakes, and implemented changes accordingly. Moreover, they learned how to communicate with each other about their sexual needs and desires in a way that builds intimacy.

If the struggles Devon and Sandra have experienced sound familiar, or if you would like to learn more about sexual response accelerators and brakes and the impact they may have on your relationship, a qualified couples counselor can help you explore these topics with your partner.

References:

  1. Kurpisz, J., Mak, M., Lew-Starowicz, M., Nowosielski, K., & Samochowiec, J. (2015). The dual control model of sexual response by J. Bancroft and E. Janssen: Theoretical basis, research and practical issues. Advances in Psychiatry and Neurology, 24(3). p. 156-164. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pin.2015.08.001.
  2. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.

Partner with short hair, facial hair, holds head of partner with long hair close and comfortsEditor’s note: The following article refers to instances of anger in relationships that do not escalate into any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. 

Articles discussing anger in relationships often feature photos that tend to be comical, depicting people screaming or gesturing wildly at each other, for example. These photos take a lighthearted look at a very serious subject—in my opinion, nothing destroys a relationship quicker than hostility and anger.

Consider this scenario: You’ve spent time laying the foundation of a loving relationship (that hopefully started with building a friendship) with your partner. You’ve worked hard to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, but slowly you’re beginning to realize your partner is someone who has a lot of anger built up. Often you don’t even know where the anger they experience is coming from.

Anger can have a serious impact on a relationship. Those who live with and love someone who has a lot of anger can often get caught up in trying to find fault. A symptom of something deeper and more complex, anger can also be contagious, and both people in the relationship often end up angry. After a time, you may become less able to even recognize each other as people, and your basic feelings about yourself often no longer align with what you’re experiencing. Instead, you end up seeing yourself as an angry and hostile individual, identifying your relationship as one where you as well as your partner are angry all the time. [fat_widget_right]

Learning to Become Authentic and Vulnerable

In my work with couples, I focus on helping each partner become authentic and vulnerable, to reach a place where they are susceptible and open to the other partner’s words, actions, and statements.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem. We’re not going to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. If we do, we’re open to blaming our partners for the problems. This creates negative assumptions about our partners, so we lean toward being protective of ourselves. The result is an outward appearance of being uncaring and unloving—though this appearance may be accurate in the moment, when we are in protection and defense mode in our relationship instead of focusing on the love we have for our partner.

The cycle of anger changes our perception of ourselves, our partners, and the entire relationship. To change this perception and see what is really there, we need to identify the fears and difficulties that have been created by the anger and address the impact anger is having on the relationship.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem.

If we experienced anger in our family of origin, or if we have experience with domestic violence, we may recognize its danger. We might try to avoid anger as long as possible, but it builds up, like a teakettle slowly reaching a boil. Eventually you, like the kettle, will eventually reach a boiling point where you can no longer contain your anger. If you don’t have the skills to manage it productively, it can explode.

How Can We Address Anger?

It can be difficult to talk about anger instead of displaying it. Maybe your past family experience tells you violence will be the outcome of any discussion, and so discussing your anger is the last thing you want to do. This is one situation where both people often feel so bad about themselves and each other that they tend to not even recognize themselves or their partner in these interactions.

In defense, some numb their emotions and don’t access them at all. Feelings of being denied, or as if one’s feelings don’t matter, often develop, and these fears, insecurities, and feelings of self-doubt contribute to the anger. The conflict causes partners to avoid connecting emotionally not only to the anger, but also to the other intense emotions that accompany it.

Because the experience is so different from the way you see yourself, you may tend to see your partner as the one who is causing it and come to believe you don’t matter to them. But anger is an emotion that often serves to mask other emotions—pain, loneliness, or feelings of alienation. Often we must go through the anger to the other side in order to resolve the other emotional hurts underneath.

The answer to this is really to go back to the friendship, the foundation you first laid for your love relationship. Underneath all of the pain and difficulty are still two people who truly love and care about each other and want the best for each other. We want to be there for each other, but how do we do that when emotional eruptions continue to happen and we feel powerless to stop them?

Try these steps:

  1. Identify that this is a problem. If you don’t acknowledge it, you won’t be able to break the cycle.
  2. Find a way to cool down your temper and de-escalate arguments. Couples who truly know each other often know how to, even in the heat of anger, inject humor into the conflict and change the tone of the discussion. When you can laugh about things, you know you’ve worked hard on your relationship. You first have to have that foundation of trust, though, in order be able to do this. You have to know your partner and truly believe their intentions are trustworthy.
  3. Think before you speak. If you’re speaking while triggered, nothing will be able to be resolved. Anger has a way of shutting down your brain until you’re only angry—you’re often not reasoning or thinking clearly. You need to be able to step back, look for the causes of the anger (attachment needs not being met, for example), and talk about them. When I see couples who are in conflict, often the issues they’re arguing about/are angry about stem from feelings of detachment. Deep breathing and calming techniques can be helpful steps in de-escalating the situation.
  4. Own your anger and be aware of warning signs. Address the primary emotions underlying the anger. Often in these situations, we’re only addressing the secondary emotions, the things that made you angry or set them off. But these are not the core issues. Primary emotions instead might include feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment. When your partner is angry, it may remind you about losses in your family. You might feel guilt, shame, and defeat over not knowing how to have a good relationship with someone you care for a great deal. You may experience self-doubt, which can be hard to navigate when you face this kind of confusion. Your experiences may not match who you are or who you think your partner is.
  5. Keep a journal. Write down what matters to you and what you want from your relationship. Take time to describe the feelings of sadness and self-doubt, among others, you experience when the two of you are not doing as well. Whether you bring this journal to counseling to help you put your emotions into words, share your thoughts with your partner on your own, or simply keep the journal private, being able to articulate these issues can help you identify the real reasons you’re in this angry cycle with your partner.
  6. Deal with the anger as soon as possible. Address it immediately and acknowledge what you’re upset about. Show your partner you truly care about what is bothering or hurting them, and express your feelings in non-blaming ways. If your partner is full of anger and becomes harsh or critical, don’t have to take it to heart. If it’s not accurate, you don’t have to defend yourself (this often escalates). Instead, stand back and allow yourself to see the real message behind the hurtful words. Often the message is something much deeper. Your partner loves you but may feel you don’t love them because of something you’ve done or said and doesn’t know how else to express their feelings in the moment. If you can step past the anger and acknowledge your partner is hurting underneath the anger, you can reassure them you do care and begin to address the anger and its impact together, with your relationship as the top priority. (No one should ever take responsibility for a partner’s anger that is expressed through any type of abuse or violence. This is never okay. If anger in your relationship is characterized by abuse and violence, please reach out.)
  7. Work on really listening. Communication is not just speaking, it’s listening, truly listening. Acknowledge what your partner is saying, and own up to any responsibility for feelings of frustration, hurt, or disconnect. If you have hurt your partner, apologize with sincerity. If you’re the injured party, work on forgiving them instead of holding on to anger and resentment. This, with the help of a qualified couples counselor if necessary, can help the two of you move forward toward a better place together.

Anger is something that can alter a relationship to the point you are no longer able to be proud of who you are together. You want to have the kind of relationship where you feel you’re with your best friend and where you know you care deeply for each other. Once partners get to the core of the problems and identify the needs both parties have, it’s possible to learn how to meet those needs for each other and begin to have more positive experiences together, changing any negative perceptions.

Anger is often a symptom of something deeper. When we realize this, we can address this in order to change the tone of our discussion about anger, put an end to negative interactions, and begin to make space for positive communication and change.

A broken heart with a needle and thread stitching it back together.When a couple breaks up, it is often inevitable that one or both of the parties involved consider the idea of getting back together. After a breakup, it’s often easier for us to look back on the failed relationship with nostalgia, remembering the good times we had and dismissing the challenges that led us to break up in the first place. Some couples might often try a brief reconciliation, but this often does not work out and they break up again.

While there might be some attraction to the idea of getting back together, and while it might work for some couples, for many people a reunion is simply going to lead to a repeat of the same issues that contributed toward the breakup—unless each individual has done extensive work to develop new relationship and interpersonal skills or address other challenges that made the separation necessary. If this personal work has not taken place, the odds are not in favor of a couple being able to reunite and build a healthy and powerful relationship together.

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Therefore, as much as you might miss your ex, and as tempting as it may be to try and get back together with that person, it may be best to tread carefully when heading down this path. It is generally a good idea to examine the motives behind rekindling the relationship and make certain that, if you truly do want to get back together, it is for the right reasons.

Below are some common “wrong” reasons people get back together with an ex, followed by warning signs that attempting to rebuild your relationship may not be the best idea for you right now. It may be helpful to consider these carefully before deciding whether or not to rekindle a romance with an ex-partner.

Breaking up and getting back together has become a pattern.

Some couples develop an unhealthy pattern of getting incredibly close, becoming overwhelmed by this intimacy, and then sabotaging the relationship in order to ease up and obtain needed space. The partners may find the intensity of their togetherness is becoming suffocating or that they are losing themselves in the relationship and withdraw emotionally, cheat, or create other conflict to break up the relationship and take some time to heal. Then, drawn by the intimacy, they rush back into the relationship and repeat this cycle over and over.

In relationships like this, one or both of the partners often feel emotionally abused, and this can indicate it may be time to permanently end the relationship and seek professional help from a therapist to better understand the attraction to this pattern.

You’re getting back together for the sex. 

It is common to feel isolated and emotionally fragile after a breakup. The connection gained from sexual intimacy can be a powerful panacea to this empty feeling, and the person it may feel most comfortable to have sex with is the person you just broke up with. However, this type of reconnection can reduce the value of intimacy and emotional connection. Though it may feel good in the moment, it does not address the core issues faced before the breakup. If you are mainly attempting to rekindle a relationship because of sex, consider this fact a warning sign and pause the process.

You miss the good times. 

Nostalgia can color our view of the past, and we may be particularly blinded by our rose-colored glasses when pining over an ex. Don’t forget there was a reason (or more than one reason) you ended the relationship. It’s important not to disregard those reasons. Whether you struggled to communicate effectively, had different intimacy needs, or found yourself bored with the relationship, it was a serious enough concern to lead one or both of you to choose to end things.

Don’t let your longing for the happy moments you shared overpower the pain of the difficulties you faced. Take time to evaluate the true reasons for breaking up, keeping in mind that, unless you and your ex are able to establish a new style of relating (which may be possible, especially with the help of a relationship counselor), things probably won’t be much different if you try to get back together.

You are afraid of being alone. 

Many of us agree that being alone is scary, or at the very least, less than ideal. One of the perks of being in a relationship, even if it is not always a healthy one, is companionship. There is always someone there to fend off the rest of the world and help prevent feelings of loneliness. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. People may prefer to remain in an unhealthy relationship or attempt to rebuild a challenged relationship when they look into the future and envision themselves alone and unsupported. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. It might be scary to think of going it alone, and you may fear being single for the rest of your life, but understand that being single but content in other aspects of life may be more fulfilling than continuing forward with a partner who is toxic, draining, or otherwise harmful to your well-being.

Before You ‘Text Your Ex’, Have You:

Taken ownership for your part in the breakup? 

In many cases, the reasons for a breakup cannot be attributed solely to one party, and it’s important for all parties involved to acknowledge how they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. Apologies can go a long way toward reconnection. When they are not forthcoming, this may indicate a lack of awareness of the core issues that negatively impacted the relationship. Reconciliation is not likely to be possible without each partner acknowledging any problems that existed within the relationship and their responsibility for those problems.

Considered the opinions of those close to you? 

After a relationship ends, friends and family of those involved are most likely going to offer their opinions on the breakup. While (1) these are only opinions, and (2) the only person who can determine what’s best for you is you, it is often the case that friends and family have input that may be worthy of consideration before you make a decision to get back together with your ex. It might be difficult to listen to what they have to say, but if your friends and close family members are adamant about your breakup being a good idea, consider the possibility that they they noticed things about the relationship that concerned them. Close friends and family are often able to identify blind spots and toxic characteristics you may have overlooked. Listening without judgment can be a valuable method of gathering new insight on the relationship, but your ultimate decision should still be your own. If the voices of friends and family are too overwhelming, consider seeking the help of a relationship counselor or other mental health professional as you sort through and consider their suggestions or observations.

When considering reconciliation with an ex, take into account some of these warning signs and use them to explore your motivation for getting back together. It’s never a bad idea to get professional help after a breakup, especially when you feel confused or uncertain. An ethical therapist won’t give you advice, but they can offer compassionate support and help you explore your feelings toward your ex, the relationship itself, and possibilities for the future.

Portrait of happy senior paddling kayak in the lake with man supporting from behind. Mature couple enjoying a day at the lake.When I think of white lies, I think of a true story about me and my mother. Not an intimate relationship, I agree, but still the sort of thing that could happen between married partners.

Though I had been married since the previous year, and my husband and I very much wanted a child, I could not seem to get pregnant. Meanwhile, my mom was struggling with depression and could not get over the loss of my father. Also—and this is the key point—she had a bad heart and had been told she needed open-heart surgery, but she was refusing it.

While visiting her in the hospital, as I did almost daily, I finally mustered up some excitement and said, “Mom, I’m pregnant!”

Yes, I lied—but it worked. That same day, my mother told her doctor she would go through with the surgery (Interestingly, I was saved from embarrassment about 11 months later because within the two months following her successful surgery, I did get pregnant, and she was a very happy grandma.) [fat_widget_right]

In my opinion, the real question you must ask yourself when deciding whether lying is the right thing to do is this: Who are you protecting? It’s really that simple. I would have done just about anything to save my mother’s life. The lie came from my heart and was intended solely for her benefit, not mine.

According to people who detect lying and liars as part of their profession (detectives, members of the FBI, and so forth), we all tell “white lies,” or lies intended to protect others, every day. “That dress is gorgeous on you!” is something we might say to protect someone we care about or to protect the relationship we have with them, for example. We understand the listener would not benefit from hearing the truth and would likely feel hurt instead.

Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, became concerned with the growing lack of trust in our society and its implications for business and families. Her book, based on a review of all the literature on deception written for the intelligence community, explains that each person is lied to—and lies—from 10 to 200 times a day! [amazon_affiliate]

The Effects of Lying

How is it possible to lie and be lied to so many times? Consider how many times you say, “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are and you aren’t actually “fine” at all? This, according to Meyer, is a lie. What’s wrong with it? Nothing, really. We certainly don’t want to bother the cashier, a complete stranger to us, with the fact that our son just underwent surgery, we just lost our pet, or whatever else we’re troubled with.

Lying might be hardwired into us. Babies will cry and then pause to see if someone is coming before going back to crying. Children automatically lie to get out of trouble, and by the time they graduate high school, they may lie to their parents in one out of five interactions. Lying makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. 

Whatever the type of lie or reason behind it, when we lie so frequently, we build up a tolerance for lying itself. This means it can become easier to tell bigger lies when we think they’re called for. And while we may tell white lies to protect others, we might also begin to lie more to protect ourselves. This is where the problem begins. We may justify lying to ourselves as lying to protect a relationship, but actually we’re doing it to save our skin.

So, you might ask, what’s wrong with that?

Let’s take a step back and ask a different question first: What do we gain from our intimate relationships? Research shows that happily married people experience a number of physical and mental health benefits that can lead to longer life. When people believe their partner is their best friend, health benefits may be even greater. Logically, then, what we might want from marriage is a feeling of connection and closeness and a partner we consider to be our best friend.

Lying can impact this intimacy by affecting all parts involved: the one who lies, the one who is lied to, and the relationship as a whole.

How Lying Impacts the Liar

When we are open and honest, we expose our vulnerable selves. Vulnerability means we are willing to let a partner to see our flaws. Having a loving partner who accepts our flaws both can help ease any stress we might experience as a result of having them and help us accept that we are all right after all. When our worst shame is laid bare and our partner accepts it, and accepts us in spite of it, then we can breathe a sigh of relief. We can relax and be ourselves. That is what intimacy is all about.

Lying, however, makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. Meyer found that married people lie to one another, on average, in one out of every 10 interactions. Unmarried people lie to each other approximately one in three times.

There are consequences to this dishonesty. People may not consciously know that someone is being deceptive, but—get this—they tend to like them less. So a person who lies somehow unconsciously reveals the fact of their dishonesty and as a result is liked less because they were not honest. What’s more, the deceived person will tend to lie to that person more frequently in response.

And all that from unconscious awareness!

Speaking of metaphorical walls, the worst of the walls we put up are the ones between ourselves and ourselves. Why do you think trained deception experts can spot liars through certain body language giveaways like saying “no” but shaking our head “yes”?

On some basic level, we don’t want to lie. As much as babies put on a show to manipulate adoring adults, they’re also told lying is wrong. So we grow up in a culture where both the powerful advantages of lying and the immorality of it tear at us. We handle the discrepancy through body language, choice of words, and use of (or lack of) pauses that often give us away to those who are trained to spot the inconsistencies.

People who tell lies often may themselves not even be aware they’re giving away their deception. While consciously trying to lie, they may unconsciously reject the lie—but they don’t know it. That’s how much they have cut themselves off from their own thoughts and feelings, their own self-awareness.

How Lying Impacts Those Lied To

For those deceived, the word “betrayal” is often inadequate. Researchers have found that even in cases of compulsive cybersex, spouses stated they felt traumatized by the discovery. At the very least, spouses or partners lost trust and sought out professional help. (Of interest is that in spite of this, adultery is not cited a major cause when people give reasons for divorce.)

People also tend to lie about financial and health issues. I heard of a person who divorced her husband because he did not inform her he could not have children before they were married.

In another case, when a wife asked her husband to take money out of the stock market to pay bills, he would always say that he could not get the money out on the same day when in fact he could. The result of the late delivery of money to this stay-at-home mom was humiliation over bounced checks and late payments. After he died, she discovered the lie, which he had repeated over many years, from his broker, and she felt betrayed and angry, which significantly impacted her memories of her marriage.

Recovering from Dishonesty

The good news: There is recovery from intimate partner lying. Often, with help, the relationship does not end but heals instead. The person who cheated or lied for some other reason must learn why they could not trust their partner to understand their needs and motives in the first place.

You see, while the deceived person loses trust when the truth comes out, the liar had already lost trust in the person they lied to or else they wouldn’t have needed to lie. Why didn’t the person who couldn’t have children share the truth? Perhaps his fiancée would have been willing to adopt. Why couldn’t the husband share his reason for holding onto the stock market money one extra day? If he hoped the numbers would go up, why was he afraid to share that?

While people who lie to their partners have a lot to learn about their fears of being open and vulnerable, those who have been lied to can learn if messages they gave out may have contributed to the problem. In spite of the pain on both sides, when the walls erected in a relationship are brought down safely and carefully, much good can come of this new openness.

References:

  1. Drefahl, S. (2012, May 24). Do the married really live longer? The role of cohabitation and socioeconomic status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(3), 462-475.
  2. Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169-188.
  3. Gino, F., & Bazeman, M. H. (2009). When misconduct goes unnoticed: The acceptability of gradual erosion in others’ unethical behavior. Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, 45(4), 708-719. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310900078X
  4. Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898?src=recsys
  5. Loenstein, L. F. (2005). Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 42(3-4), 153-171. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v42n03_09?src=recsys
  6. Meyer, P. (2011, October 13). How to spot a liar. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6vDLq64gE
  7. Meyer, P. (2011). Liespotting: Proven techniques to detect deception. New York: NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
  8. Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What every BODY is saying: An ex-FBI agent’s guide to speed-reading people. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
  9. Savedge, J. (2016, October 1). Being in a healthy relationship may help you live longer. MNN. Retrieved from https://www.mnn.com/health/healthy-spaces/blogs/why-being-healthy-relationship-may-help-you-live-longer
  10. Schneider, J. P., Weiss, R., and Samenow, C. (2012, April 9). Is it really cheating? Understanding the emotional reactions and clinical treatment of spouses and partners affected by cybersex infidelity. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 19(1-2), 123-139. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720162.2012.658344
  11. Thurnher, M, Fenn, C. B., Melichar, J., & Chiriboga, D. A. (1983). Sociodemographic perspectives on reasons for divorce. Journal of Divorce, 6(4), 25-35. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J279v06n04_02?src=recsys
  12. Tyler, J. M. (2006). The price of deceptive behavior: Disliking and lying to people who lie to us. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(1), 69-77. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310500034X
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