Life can be stressful for anyone, but for people dealing with the negative effects of trauma on top of everyday life, elevated stress levels can be much more common. One course of treatment for experiencing a more positive and peaceful life after trauma is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), a methodology originated by Francine Shapiro. It pairs specific protocols with bilateral stimulation—back-and-forth eye movements, alternating tones delivered through headphones, and/or alternating tactile stimulation such as vibrations delivered through hand-held pulsers. Part of the eight-phase EMDR protocol includes teaching the person in therapy a relaxation technique to recall when needed.

One of the most common relaxation techniques for EMDR is known as “safe place,” also referred to as “calm place.” This technique is part of the second phase of EMDR known as “preparation.” Prior to this phase, the person’s history is taken, assessments are performed to determine if EMDR is appropriate, and a treatment plan is prepared. This matters because before a counselor proceeds with EMDR, a person must be assessed for physical health, support system, and any tendency to dissociate. Therefore, it is imperative that all portions of EMDR protocols are performed only by a trained, qualified EMDR clinician.

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“Safe place” may be thought of as an emotional sanctuary where a person can internally go to recover stability when feeling stressed. Once the person has successfully learned to perform “safe place,” it is used in the reprocessing phase or to close a session. It is also useful in one’s everyday life between sessions when a person feels stress or a disturbance rising to a point they need to take out and use a coping tool from their internal toolbox.

‘Safe Place’ Protocol in EMDR

When “safe place” is taught to a person preparing for EMDR, the counselor will guide the person through the following steps shared by Shapiro (2001):

“Safe place” may be thought of as an emotional sanctuary where a person can internally go to recover stability when feeling stressed.

1. The person is asked to picture an image of a place that generates feelings of calm and safety.
2. The person is asked to focus on the physical sensations and emotions that are conjured while imagining the “safe place.”
3. The counselor encourages a sense of security and may add soothing tones, such as ocean waves, to enhance the effect.
4. While the person concentrates on the image, sensations, and emotions, sets of eye movements or other bilateral stimulation may be included to “install,” or strengthen, the “safe place.”
5. The person is asked to think of a word to associate with the “safe place” and add this to the calm, safe image and sensations. Sets of bilateral stimulation are added.
6. The person is asked to self-cue the image and feelings.
7. The person is asked to think of a minor annoyance and its accompanying emotions. The counselor then guides the person through the exercise until the undesired emotions melt away.
8. The person is asked to think of another disturbance and follow the exercise without the counselor’s assistance to ensure the person can perform the exercise unassisted.

The person should be instructed to practice “safe place” daily by retrieving the positive image, emotions, and sensations via the cue word. People can then use “safe place” to relax and reduce stress any time needed. Shapiro believes people preparing to be treated with EMDR can benefit not only the “safe place” visualization but also from listening to guided visualizations such as those included in Letting Go of Stress (Miller, 2014), as these may increase the the effectiveness of “safe place” as a means of self-control.

While “safe place” for EMDR should be taught by a qualified clinician, anyone can access guided meditation/visualization CDs and podcasts to help to manage stress, fall asleep at bedtime, and promote a positive self-image. These materials may be found for little or no cost through public libraries, iTunes, and online resources. Comments below sharing your favorite guided visualization/meditation resources are welcome.

References:

1. Miller, E. (2014). Letting go of stress. San Anselmo, CA: Halpern Inner Peace Music.
2. Shapiro, F. (2001). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (2^nd). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

In times like these, when intolerance is everywhere you look—from political campaigns to schoolyard bullying to routine traffic stops—you might feel the way so many of the people I work with in therapy do: helpless. It can seem as if nothing you do makes much of a difference. Fortunately, there is a way to create real, lasting change, and that’s by teaching our children the ideal way to treat others. It’s the very definition of thinking globally but acting locally: increasing tolerance in the world starts at home.

It’s fair to assume most parents want to raise the kid who welcomes all friends, is kind to others regardless of skin color or religious beliefs, and is unafraid of differences. But with children receiving radically different messages every day (at school, on social media, and in the news), families must be proactive in being the most influential messengers in their lives. By raising children who are aware and accepting of differences, we can help ensure that their lives will be better—more peaceful childhoods, more successful careers—and increase the likelihood the world changes for the better along with them.

Here are seven simple strategies for encouraging acceptance and open-mindedness in your family:

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1. Start as Early as Possible

For a long time, it was assumed we were born with the tendency to judge others. After all, our brains function by recognizing patterns (“t” and “o” make the word “to”) and categorizing information (“apple” and “orange” are both “fruit”). And some studies seemed to indicate that part of our brain (the amygdala, which registers emotions such as fear) lit up when we saw faces of different colors, indicating a subconscious detection of threat. The assumption that prejudice and racism are innate made it tough to figure out how to fight these insidious issues.

More recently, these findings have been largely debunked. And some new research goes even further, indicating that young kids are uniquely unprejudiced. One study carried out on children showed that the amygdala wasn’t activated until the age of 14. In other words, there’s reason to believe that if we model acceptance early and often, kids will pick it up easily and persuasively. So don’t wait to talk to your kids until you think they can fully understand—the conversation can start with simple concepts and progress to more complex ideas over time.

2. Check Your Own Attitude

The first step to transforming your children’s outlook is to look at your own point of view. After all, children learn by mimicking. Babies watch our faces carefully to pick up social cues. They smile when we do to get a positive reaction from caregivers. Toddlers study how others handle objects so they can manipulate a spoon or a television remote. And older children hear how their parents talk about others, and imitate language used at home.

Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

Because the ways we talk about people, stereotype, or express fear are noticed by our children, we have to be careful about our own, perhaps unacknowledged, prejudices. If we sprinkle a more compassionate viewpoint into the way we talk and act, our kids are more likely to take on this softer point of view.

In my practice, I’ve repeatedly seen the power of compassion. When people are angry or hurt, they tend to focus solely on themselves and how they’ve been wronged. Kids, especially young ones, are already primed to concentrate on their own feelings when they’re mad or sad. By asking them to put the focus on the other person, and by being empathetic to what the other party is going through, their eyes are opened. And sometimes, their anger just melts away.

You can apply this in everyday living. Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

These interpretations make us more understanding and less judgmental. By aiming a more considered response at the issue, we teach an antidote to thoughtless anger and hatred.

3. Eschew the Easy Answer

It’s simple, and in a way natural, to jump to conclusions about people or lump them into categories. A girl is wearing a too-short skirt in high school? Bad morals handed down from bad parents. A group of boys are wearing hoodies? They’re in a gang.

But racial and social issues are multi-determined, meaning there are a variety of factors leading up to any one outcome. To help your child learn how to think through an issue in a complex way, look for all sides to the story by asking them a lot of questions. Start with small, local problems: What might the girl in the skirt believe about sexuality? What does her culture teach her? How did the media affect her clothing choices? Then, as their thinking becomes more mature, move on to global issues, such as immigration. Some sample questions: What might it be like to grow up in a state where religious mores are the law? How would it feel to be forced from your country, and how might you feel about the people in your new residence?

4. Use Respectful Language

If you want your child to truly believe that all people are equal, you have to walk the walk. Monitor how you respond to others and describe them. Is it possible that, sometimes without realizing it, you make a derogatory comment when someone is dressed in a way you find threatening? That you might respond to your child’s story about an annoying classmate by calling the kid “a jerk” or “stupid”?

Often, we feel more justified in making fun of our own community. I hear many families poke fun at their own customs or complain about older family members’ conventions. But this criticism can sound more insulting than you realize, unintentionally passing down an attitude to your kids that it’s okay to criticize other people’s beliefs or judge their way of life.

5. Allow for Multicultural Education

It’s becoming more common for schools to tackle themes of cultural variation and to celebrate differences. Knowing more about other people’s rituals and beliefs makes them less foreign and less scary. And seeing teachers value traditions other than their own sends a powerful message to kids about how to be respectful, open-minded, and accepting.

If your child’s school hasn’t already started a program or class in multiculturalism, consider bringing up the idea. Festivals, clubs, or after-school programs are some smaller venues for getting kids involved and starting conversations around tolerance.

6. Talk Through Tragedy

Sadly, kids are being exposed to more and more violence and stories of discrimination. This also means there are many opportunities to talk through difficult issues. Although many parents are afraid of traumatizing kids by bringing up seemingly adult problems, the truth is kids are usually aware of the problems already and are often more capable of thinking about solutions than we give them credit for.

Go for honesty whenever possible, but go easy on the details, especially to young kids. Check in with them again later to see if any of the issues raised have caused them concerns or fears, or if they’ve heard anything scary from others. Don’t do all the talking; listen to their concerns, and ask if they have any ideas about how to help.

It’s okay to admit you don’t have the answers. Just sitting and experiencing sadness together can be healing in itself.

7. Get Involved

One big roadblock to compassion is the fatigue that sets in when we feel like we can’t possibly make a difference. When we take action, even in small ways, it’s an opportunity for kids to feel more involved and positive. Consider actions you can take with your kids that will help empower them, such as raising money, sending letters, or joining local meetings.

Another tip is to avoid segregating your children. Many parents hope to protect and shelter their kids by limiting their exposure to outside influences. The truth is, the more experiences they have and the more communities they join, the better able they may be to cope with the complexities of the world. Kids who go from private school to country club to family vacation, with no chance to branch outside of their community, may naturally be limited in their abilities to be flexible and open-minded. Volunteering in a different community, traveling, and joining clubs outside of their neighborhood are good ways to open their eyes.

Try one or more of the above suggestions at home. You may be surprised at how hopeful and proactive it feels to tackle this issue head-on. If you feel like you need more ideas, it can be helpful to work with a therapist or educator who specializes in working with children. Together, we can transform a moment that feels unrelentingly negative into something positive.

References:

1. Leu, C. (2015).  Innate or Learned Prejudice? Turns Out Even the Blind Aren’t Color Blind on Race. California Magazine. Retrieved from http://alumni.berkeley.edu/california-magazine/fall-2015-questions-race/innate-or-learned-prejudice-turns-out-even-blind-arent
2. Northwestern University: Hugenberg, K., & Bodenhausen, G. V. (2003). Facing Prejudice: Implicit Prejudice and the Perception of Facial Threat. Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/bodenhausen/PS03.pdf
3. Wright, Robert. (2012, October 17). New Evidence That Racism Isn’t “Natural”. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/10/new-evidence-that-racism-isnt-natural/263785/

Most mothers likely want their daughters to develop a positive body image and a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, many moms inadvertently act in ways that are counter to this goal, often because they may feel shy or embarrassed to talk about their bodies and sexuality. This message may, over time, get passed along to their daughters.

What is a healthy sexual self-esteem, exactly? This refers to a person’s ability to connect to their sexual identity and self in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. Healthy sexual self-esteem could mean experiencing our body in a sexual way, enjoying our body sexually, and eventually sharing our body sexually with someone else. Many moms tell me they want to raise their daughters to be like this one day. They want their daughters to feel great about their bodies and to experience pleasure when they are older, in a healthy adult relationship. The question is: how do we get there?

First of all, it may be necessary to reframe the part of you that still believes talking to your daughter about her body and sexuality may be harmful. The research does not support this notion. In a study published in 2008 in the Journal of Adolescent Health, for example, researchers Kohler et al. found that adolescents who received comprehensive sex education were significantly less likely to report teen pregnancy than those who had received abstinence-only education. In fact, abstinence-only education did not reduce the likelihood of engaging in vaginal intercourse, but comprehensive sex education did.

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With the research firmly on the side of talking to your daughter about her sexuality, how do you go about it?

General Tips

• Start early and deliver age-appropriate messages. This conversation is a years-long one. Don’t wait for children to ask questions or initiate, as some may be too embarrassed. As the adult, overcome any discomfort you feel and talk to them.
• Model healthy body image, no matter your shape or size. Reject media images of so-called ideals. Promote a greater picture of health and nutrition rather than focusing on fat or weight specifically. Model appropriate affection with your partner.
• Be real. This means being direct, honest, and conveying the facts alongside a positive and affirming perspective.

Toddler Years

• Put a positive spin on bodily functions (i.e., “You threw up because your body was saying the food you ate did not work well in your body. Your body can be trusted and knows how to protect you!”).
• Don’t shame their bodies by saying things like, “Go put your clothes on,” or, “Don’t run around the house naked.”
• Teach them the correct names of body parts: vagina, penis, testicles, etc.
• When the time comes/when they ask, tell them how babies are made. For example: “When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the mommy’s egg meets the daddy’s sperm and that makes a baby. Then the baby grows in the mommy’s uterus until it’s big enough to come out. When the baby’s ready, the uterus squeezes, and the baby comes out of the vagina. Then mommy’s body goes back to the way it was.”

Pre-Puberty/Puberty

• Put a positive spin on distressing changes (i.e., “You are becoming a woman! That’s wonderful! Welcome to the world of womanhood.”). At the same time, discuss openly any negative aspects of puberty-related changes rather than glossing over them.
• Tell stories from your childhood—your first period, perhaps, or even embarrassing stories. Show them that you survived and they will, too.
• Don’t shame their bodies with messages like, “You can’t wear that.”
• Teach them about male and female puberty, natural bodily changes, and the basics of sex.
• Take your daughter to get her first bra. Bring it up; she may be too embarrassed.
• Give her deodorant, a razor, sanitary pads, tampons, etc. Tell her you have noticed she’s becoming a beautiful young woman. Again, pre-empt these things.

Adolescence

• Encourage your daughter to trust her body and to listen to it (i.e., if she gets a stomachache before a test, talk to her about how her body is telling her something).
• Again, don’t shame their bodies. Talk about what messages they want to portray about themselves by the way they dress and appear. Share examples from your own life.
• Talk about relationships as portrayed in books and movies and how those portrayals differ from real life. Talk about couples dynamics and what your child may like/doesn’t like about how relationships are portrayed vs. the reality of relationships.
• Don’t encourage her to hide her wanting to grow up. Pick your battles. If you find out she’s tweezing her eyebrows, it’s not the end of the world. Instead, help her find an article online about eyebrow tweezing (or whatever else) and use this as an opportunity for open discussion. Shaming a child can lead the child to want to hide things from you later.
• Talk to her about her period. Introduce her to the variety of menstrual supplies available and encourage her to explore all of them to discover what works best for her. Tampons may seem scary, for example, but using them may help some adolescents become more comfortable with their bodies. Help her get used to her period as a normative event, not something shameful or secret.

Raising any child is difficult, but raising a daughter may come with its own particular challenges. To promote healthy body image and sexual self-esteem, keep your conversations real and regular, be a trusted resource for accurate information, and model what you want your daughter to aspire to both in and out of relationships.

Reference:

Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., & Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health, 42, 344-351.

Let’s begin by saying the only reason this article is relevant is because people today face many problematic social discourses around romance, relationships, and the quest to find “the one.” We have been conditioned to accept a single story of what a fulfilling relationship is. The single story I speak of encompasses the familiar idea of Mx. Right, the one person who meets all our needs, a perfect “soulmate” who exists somewhere out there. By buying into this, we unwittingly limit our experience and rob ourselves of endless opportunities and possibilities.

Unrealistic pressures from society and culture don’t help, but it’s more complicated than that. From reviewing my own past as a single man, helping people in my practice who present with severe distress because of their single status, and talking to single friends, it seems evident to me that many of the strategies we use in our quest to find fulfilling relationships aren’t productive. Our priorities are often not aligned in a productive way.

People’s motivations for finding someone to share their lives with are often misinformed as well. They may not understand clearly why they want to be in a relationship. People often lack insight about their own needs, hopes, and dreams, leading them into the trap that’s been established and reinforced by harmful social discourses.

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I have seen anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, and disappointment all make an appearance in the quest for finding the right partner. What values have been abandoned in the process?

If a person is experiencing significant distress as a result of something, they usually cease doing whatever it is that’s causing the distress. That is often not the case when it comes to finding a romantic partner. Instead, many people repeat the same patterns of behavior that bring them pain and unsatisfactory outcomes. Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

People might not realize what they may be giving up when they invest so much of their time and energy in finding “the one.” How much time and money do you spend on online dating? How much money are you spending on that outfit you hope will score you a life partner? How much money are you spending on extravagant dinners to show potential mates how stable and secure you are? How much time are you spending in front of a mirror perfecting your appearance? When does it stop being worth it?

Have you thought about what it might be like if you belonged to a different culture, perhaps practiced a different religion, or if you had been raised by a different family with different customs? Sure, it is possible that finding “the one” would have still been important, but would it be prioritized over other aspects of your life? I can’t help you change your context, your environment, your upbringing, or your culture, but perhaps I can offer you some ideas to help you approach finding your “soulmate” from a different angle.

First, Get to Know Yourself

Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Be honest with yourself here. What would be the benefits and the costs of being paired up with someone? Are you okay with the costs and if so, why? What’s important to you in life? Would trying to find a life partner or having a partner challenge that?

Understanding your core needs, values, and hopes is essential. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t really get to know anybody else.

Second, Stop Being So Picky!

I’m not saying anyone should have low standards, but what makes you think you deserve perfection? It is important to practice compassion when getting to know someone and to try to put yourself in their shoes. This may allow you to open up to infinite possibilities.

Nevertheless, I understand there are certain things you just can’t live with or without, so here’s one way to achieve more clarity: Make a list of physical and nonphysical traits (personality, values, goals, etc.) that you hope your special someone will have (or not have). Your list should not be longer than 10 items. Then, from your list, pick just two traits you are not willing to accept (or give up), and focus only on those two when meeting people and dating. Think of all the other traits on your list as bonuses.

Third, Learn from People Who Know You

Ask the people who know you best what they know about you. Ask them to describe you in a few words and take notes! Ask several people, preferably. If you notice certain patterns and descriptions being brought up by different people, those may be the ones you may want to use for this exercise.

I invite you to ask these people to share stories about you that confirm these descriptions (“How did you come to see me as a generous person?” “Can you tell me a story about this?”). Can you think of stories of your own? Do these descriptions fit with how you have been viewing yourself? Whatever your answer, ask yourself how, when, and where you came to learn this about you. Do this exercise a few times until you are comfortable with the information you gathered.

Lastly, Emphasize Complementarity Over Compatibility

One of the biggest mistakes I believe people make is looking for a “compatible” partner. First of all, if you aren’t clear on your own motivations, values, or hopes, you may not truly recognize what compatible is. The key here is to find someone you can create balance with. Think about it: Isn’t it more appealing to think about finding someone who adds to your experience than someone who has the same or similar experience?

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different?

You may want someone who can offer you something you don’t have, and vice versa. There may be some truth to the notion “opposites attract.” If you hate to cook, for example, wouldn’t it be great if you were in a relationship with someone who finds joy in cooking? Complementarity can be so much more fulfilling than compatibility, especially in the long run.

Now take some of the descriptions about you from step 3 above and identify the opposites of those. Could these be added to your list of requirements for a mate? What do you have that you can contribute to someone else’s life?

The suggestions I’ve presented here are by no means rules, and they may or may not be useful in your particular set of circumstances. They are simply ideas I have learned through my clinical practice, training, and personal experience. My hope is that they provide some new ways of looking at and working around some of the harmful social discourses we all live with.

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different? Explore. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask others. Learn and most importantly live your truth. I’m not going to end this by wishing you luck, because it may very well take more than that. Get to work!

Some people say they do not want to come out of therapy blaming their parents for everything. After all, their parents did the best they could at the time, especially with what they were given—so leave them out of it.

A therapist once told me that if you end therapy still angry at your parents, then you haven’t gone far enough.

Some people come to therapy with a lot of apparent, upfront anger toward mom and/or dad. Others are wary of saying anything negative about the people who raised them. Rarely does either of these versions of parents represent a full understanding of who they were or who they have become.

Seeing Your Parents as If You Are Still a Child

A major task in treatment is to understand who your parents were to you through how you saw them as a child. I know, you’re not still a child, but often we didn’t get to express those full-throttle feelings when we were kids. Luckily, we get to do so now—and it can be extraordinarily helpful to us as adults.

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As a child, perhaps you didn’t fully understand that a parent didn’t attend any of your baseball games because they had to work overtime in order to provide for you; you just experienced hurt and anger that they weren’t there. Your parent had a valid reason not to be there, but that doesn’t mean your feeling wasn’t also valid. As an adult (who may be missing your own child’s games because you have to work), there may be guilt on top of the anger and hurt you felt. Perhaps you’re ashamed you were ever upset. Seeing the situation through an adult lens, you think: “They were doing something for me, so how dare I be angry?”

Therapy says to let yourself be angry. Feel the anger. Feel it deeply. This way, you don’t squelch it and have it come out somewhere else, perhaps in passive-aggressive remarks to your own children; over-emphasizing every game, play, and recital your kids have; or avoiding conversations with your parents for fear you’ll “lose it” with them. Consequently, you don’t wind up judging yourself for having those reactions.

Attachment Style Without Logic

You also had an understanding of your parents pre-verbal memory. Did they come when you cried? Maybe they did most of the time, maybe they weren’t very quick about it, or maybe they never left you. You were an infant, so you didn’t know they were also taking care of a sibling, going to the bathroom, heating up your bottle, or just needing a rest. Attachment theory shows us that these early experiences, apart from the logical reasons behind them, matter a lot for us now.

Therapy says to let yourself be angry. Feel the anger. Feel it deeply.

I want to reiterate that the object is not to blame your parents. It’s not to be mad and stay mad.

We do damage to ourselves when we refuse to fully express and feel our feelings. That’s not a license to punch someone, break things, or intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Therapy is tailor-made for the space to express your deepest self. It’s a safe space to face fears of abandonment, retaliation, or ungratefulness, any of which (and more) your therapist should be trained to be on the lookout for and provide an alternative to.

You may have felt any number of difficult feelings toward even the most loving, present, and available parent. Those feelings, your feelings, are valuable. And they’re not going to just go away.

So if it’s hate you felt, express it. So you can love even more deeply.

Depression can be a bear to deal with. Heaviness; bleak thoughts; and lack of energy, interest, or motivation can conspire to make you feel like you need to push a giant boulder up a hill just to find relief.

To foster self-compassion in the face of depression, education is key. Not only is it helpful to be aware of some of the possible sources of your depression, knowing how to alleviate symptoms can help you better manage it. My intention is to offer some hope by suggesting that the boulder before you might not be as heavy as you think, nor the hill quite as high.

The following list of depression sources and possible antidotes is simply a starting point. If you experience depression, may this list inspire you to think constructively and curiously about your suffering.

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Source: Disowned Anger

For some people, anger is a dangerous emotion based on unconscious beliefs or experience of harmful expressions of anger passed down in the family of origin. Anger is an important emotion, however. It often signals that someone is doing you harm. If you push down your anger, it can turn inward (the harsh inner critic) and cause a depressive response.

Antidote: If you sense a fearful or adverse relationship to anger, begin to bring more attention to it. Examine how anger was expressed in your family. How do you react to anger? Engage with it. You may notice a lessening of your symptoms with this inquiry.

Source: Being Cut Off from Emotions

If you are disconnected from your feelings for any reason, you are cut off from a major part of who you are. This is inherently deadening. Feelings make you human and alive. For people experiencing depression, feelings may feel foreign, unpredictable, scary, or pointless.

Antidote: Start a conversation about your feelings. What feelings are you in touch with? Which ones are you not? What hidden beliefs do you have about emotions? See what arises.

Source: Learned

Sometimes, depression is a learned way of being. If either of your parents experienced depression, especially major or chronic depression, you may have adopted depression as a way to feel connected with them, leading to an unconscious impression that this is how you need to be in the world.

Antidote: If either of your parents experienced depression, reflect on how that impressed on you. Do you believe depression is an essential part of being human? Are you afraid to NOT be depressed because you might feel less connected to a parent? It’s rarely that simple, of course, but there could be an element of this at play.

Source: Chemical

In some cases, depression is primarily an inexplicably chemical issue. There may be an emotional component if you traced the depression back in your family lineage, but sometimes the emotional component can change the brain chemically in ways that are then passed down between the generations, even as the emotional component or cause recedes.

Antidote: If your depression is debilitating, it is a good idea to consult with a psychiatrist. Medication, particularly when paired with psychotherapy, can sometimes lift the veil of depression enough to do the emotional work that can shift the tides.

Source: Misalignment of the Self

It can be depressing to be living a life that isn’t true to your heart and soul, especially if you don’t have a solid sense of who you are, what you need, and what brings you satisfaction and joy. If you grew up in an environment where you didn’t receive proper emotional holding and reflection, you may need help getting in touch with your true self. If you are misaligned or feel a lack of meaning in your life, it might link directly to your depression.

Antidote: Finding a good therapist who can help you explore the holes and emptiness may allow you to grieve past experiences, perhaps going back to childhood, and begin to discover who you really are. This is deep, important, and enlivening work.

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system.

Source: Difficulty Self-Regulating

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system. Perhaps due to trauma or an absent parent (anxious or insecure attachments), you may not have learned to regulate (calm) yourself properly.

Antidote: Do you get easily agitated or overwhelmed? Try a meditation practice and inquire about your ability to regulate. Is it hard to calm yourself? If so, working with a trained therapist can help.

Source: Existential Angst

It can be difficult being human. Having an awareness of all the suffering in the world is hard, as is the fact we all must face death. If you tend to focus on these existential issues and sobering realities, depression can result.

Antidote: Speak to a therapist about your concerns. It may be that your mind kicks up these things as a way to avoid your vulnerabilities. Explore the ways you might use existential fears unconsciously to manage other discomforts.

Source: Pervasive Anxiety

Depression can be a way for your psyche to manage deep anxieties. It may be that you are more anxious than you realize.

Antidote: Explore your thought patterns with a qualified therapist. Consider whether depression is operating as a buffer against more disturbing, anxious feelings.

Turn toward your depression. Getting to know its somatic qualities will help you unlock the doors that lead to self-compassion and healing. If you can find the resolve and commitment, you can find relief.

Why do people develop addictions and compulsions? In general, their psychological purpose is to push out of conscious awareness anything disturbing. The unconscious mind knows how deeply upsetting some body-mind memories might be, as they could trigger anger, panic, grief, guilt, anxiety, shame, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. Thus, it will do anything it can to distract from them.

That may mean engaging in unhelpful or even self-destructive behaviors. After all, addictions and extreme habits, which can form out of obsessive compulsions (OCD), can be very engaging to the body-mind. This deep engagement with something else, anything else, is a wonderful distraction from unpleasant emotions.

Add to your natural propensity for avoiding pain those media messages suggesting various forms of distraction—porn, alcohol, vaping, shopping, extreme sports, etc.—may enhance your life and make you happy, and you have a recipe for a society inundated with addictions and compulsions. (See Anne Wilson Schaef’s book When Society Becomes an Addict for a deeper explanation of this concept.)

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For all the talk of its potential pitfalls, obsessive and compulsive thinking has worked for humanity’s benefit for millennia. The person who unrelentingly rubbed two sticks together to create fire, Marie Curie in her lab, and Albert Einstein incessantly mulling over ideas are just some of the countless examples of people becoming consumed with something essential and meaningful.

With any form of compulsive or addictive behavior, the important question is: Is it interfering with any aspect of your life? If it is having a deleterious effect in any area, such as relationships, finances, work, or health, you might want to do something about it.

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Fortunately, there are many ways to shift away from unwanted habits. William Glasser, MD, a renowned psychiatrist, wrote a book in 1985 called Positive Addiction. He argued the natural unconscious tendency to avoid psychological pain can be rerouted into positive addictions. In other words, the brain’s proclivity for repetition can be used creatively and productively. Those obsessive, compulsive energies can be channeled into useful and enjoyable distractions such as learning a new language, spending more time with friends and family, reading, exercising, or hobbies.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no. As a holistic psychotherapist who uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as one of the arrows in my therapeutic quiver, I would certainly suggest some energy redirection. Ultimately, though, the task is working with the parts of you that valiantly protect your wounded inner child to enable you to unburden some of that pain, as well as coming to appreciate all your other parts (called “protectors” in IFS) that may snort cocaine, drink excessively, gamble, have an eating disorder, or engage in risky sexual behaviors. As counterintuitive as it may seem, all of these things—destructive as they may be—are trying to help you. They will do anything to protect you from being flooded with negative or scary feelings. Anything.

As someone who has been working with people with addictions for over 40 years, I appreciate the way IFS allows a person to gently, yet deeply, explore inner terrain while learning how to compassionately create a new way of relating to all of their parts. Through the IFS process, a person can come to recognize how hard their parts work to give them peace, even if those parts still think the person is a child or teenager. Talking with those parts, getting to know them and their motivations, and developing a new loving relationship with them can be incredibly healing.

Many people with addictions are in 12-step programs, which are wonderful for creating a community of people who share a desire to eclipse the past and evolve. IFS is compatible with those as well.

When you can meet your cravings for temporary oblivion with greater patience and understanding, you may begin to explore your true self. In IFS, that means allowing you to access your inner self-leadership with all its creativity, curiosity, connectedness, confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, courage, and compassion.

References:

1. Glasser, W. (1985). Positive Addiction. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.
2. Schaef, A. W. (1988). When Society Becomes an Addict. New York, NY: HarperOne.

Do you feel compelled to remove flakes of dead skin from your nose? Do you have a hard time keeping your hands off pimples and blackheads? What about those random bumps on your arm that arise unexpectedly? For people diagnosed with excoriation disorder, skin picking is a common response to these and other generally harmless skin irritants.

According to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, excoriation—which falls under the umbrella of obsessive compulsion—is characterized by recurrent skin picking resulting in some sort of skin lesion; repeated attempts to stop the picking; potential impairment or distress over the picking; and an inability to attribute the skin picking to a medical condition, substance abuse, or another mental health diagnosis. Like hair pulling and nail biting, research suggests that excoriation may be a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB).

Most people who pick can typically find multiple sites on their body to pick, squeeze, or scratch. It is often a search-and-find mission using fingernails or some other designated instrument. The result of the picking can be inflamed, red, and sometimes bloody skin. When scabs develop, they may represent another reason to pick.

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People who pick their skin often are ashamed and feel the need to conceal excoriation through the use of makeup, extra clothing, or hats. The shame may add to the distress they feel regarding their appearance or their behavior toward their body. Often, there is an undercurrent of perfectionism with BFRBs, especially skin picking, and a deeply held belief that any imperfections must be eliminated.

Often, therapy will address underlying feelings and emotions that fuel the behavior, exploration of triggers that affect when and where the person picks, and soothing strategies to deescalate compulsive behaviors.

Would you be surprised to know that more than 75% of people diagnosed with excoriation are female? It is estimated that excoriation affects 1.4% of the general population, although many experts think the number may be higher. Most often, the condition begins at the onset of puberty and becomes chronic over time.

Skin picking may be triggered by tension, stress, or boredom and often has a compulsive element to it, meaning the person cannot stop themselves from picking and feels compelled to either relieve uncomfortable feelings or respond to minor skin irritations. Most often it occurs without full awareness of the behavior and when the person is alone. While reading, studying, on the phone, or watching television are all common scenarios for excoriation to occur. Many people spend up to one hour per day picking or resisting the urge to pick. Often, another person has noticed and mentioned the behavior.

Treatment for skin picking is often found in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, rational emotive behavioral therapy, or acceptance and commitment therapy facilitated by a licensed mental health provider. Often, therapy will address underlying feelings and emotions that fuel the behavior, exploration of triggers that affect when and where the person picks, and soothing strategies to deescalate compulsive behaviors.

Those with BFRBs may also find relief with tactile and meditative strategies. Tactile replacements may be helpful in providing substitute relief and can include bubble-wrap popping, fidget toys, cooking, working with clay, painting, or even using a piece of ribbon as a soothing instrument to wrap, rip, and stroke. Meditative behaviors such as yoga, cleaning, walking, or listening to music can also be effective in soothing the urge to pick.

Although excoriation is a complicated and often distressing behavior, it is manageable with professional treatment and replacement behaviors.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
2. OCD & Related Disorders Program. (n.d.). Excoriation. Retrieved from https://mghocd.org/clinical-services/excoriation/

There are different kinds of lies: pathological lies, lies so you won’t get caught, lies of convenience, lies for self-protection, and social lies. They all have something in common: if someone is focused on telling you only what you want to hear, or only what they want you to hear, you’re not hearing what you might want or even need to know. You might fall for their stories, if they’re convincing enough. People who lie pathologically tend to tell VERY good stories. I’m going to tell you about one such person in particular.

Anita (not her real name) told the most wonderful and romantic stories about her life. I felt so good listening to her. Anita was a talented storyteller, and I am a sucker for stories.

When we first met, she was all smiles and seemed easy to get along with. I liked her right away. “My life would be perfect,” she told me, “if only I had a boyfriend.” She began telling me about a man who worked in her office. He had beautiful, big brown eyes and strong arms. When she looked over at him, he was almost always looking at her. It was clear they were attracted to each other. He asked her out for lunch. He asked her out to the movies. He brought her flowers and little cute presents. She made him brownies and brought them to the office.

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“Do you think he likes me?” she asked.

“I sure do!” I said.

After a few months, they started to get serious. Their romance was touching. He was older, but he was considerate and helpful. He enjoyed her youthful enthusiasm, and she enjoyed the many ways he showed he cared for her. He was courtly and charming. She felt safe with him.

Their relationship seemed fine at first, but then another woman wanted to enter the picture.

“What will I do?” Anita asked me. “What if he likes her more than he likes me? And who does she think she is, anyway?”

Anita quickly vanquished her rival, and she and her boyfriend were soon planning on moving in together. I wondered to myself if they would get married, maybe have kids. I was so happy for her. They were even starting to talk about buying a house.

Listening to Anita was like reading a really good book, one I couldn’t put down, or watching a movie I knew I would have to see again. Her story was about every dream come true. All things were possible. Life was always only good. Life was a fairy tale.

At first, I thought: Well, it’s young love. Eventually life will get back to normal. I even worried: Would Anita be able to take it if they actually had a disagreement, much less an argument? Everything can’t be perfect ALL of the time! Usually there is a little trouble in paradise—after a while, anyway. But Anita and her boyfriend never disagreed. They always wanted to do the same things at the same time.

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up!

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up! Anita needed to keep me fascinated; she had a real desire to control and manipulate how I thought about her.

I was shocked. My thoughts must have shown on my face. Once I figured out she was lying, she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. The thing is, I liked Anita, but she couldn’t believe that anyone could like her if they knew her as she really was. Her lies, I believe, stemmed from serious dissatisfaction with herself, a need to be loved, and a need to mess around with other people’s minds. She always had to be the best, the winner, HUGE!

I felt pretty stupid.

Even though I had been bamboozled, I still wanted to be friends with Anita. I suppose many people would have simply dropped her, but not me. We continued to meet for a time, and Anita tried out different story lines with interesting beginnings, but I wasn’t buying. I wanted to have a real conversation, but it wasn’t happening. Anita felt her real life was boring, and she was ashamed of herself. She thought she was too ordinary. She couldn’t see the beauty of the everyday. I think, at some moments, she believed her own lies. She was inventing her life as she thought it should be, and it had to be exceptional.

Storytellers need listeners, and I’m a good one—but eventually even I can identify a lie when I hear one.

I’ll bet you can, too.

What is good therapy? I recently wrote about tips for identifying the best counselor for you. I’d like to shift the focus a bit and talk about the role of relationships and what I call the four pillars of counseling: trust, respect, positive regard, and open-mindedness.

While these concepts may seem straightforward, fostering them within a healing therapeutic relationship can be challenging depending on the quality of previous relationships you’ve experienced, whether you’ve been able to form trusting relationships in other areas of your life, how open you are ready or able to be, and how truthful you can be with yourself. I believe these things form the foundation of the relationship needed to help you meet your goals.

I’ve been a counselor for a long time, and I’ve had counseling with many different therapists. Some of it was very good and helpful and some wasn’t. None of it was bad or meant the therapist wasn’t qualified. I believe the connection between the counselor and the person seeking support is the most important part of a therapeutic relationship. Creating a strong relationship with a counselor is affected by personality, age, gender, race, life experiences, and other factors. There must be a good fit in order for therapy to be effective.

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While the relationship between the counselor and the counselee is important, the relationship you have with yourself is equally important. From the moment we are born, our relationships begin to form everything about us—from our beliefs to our behaviors, traditions, and rituals. The strength of our earliest relationships directly impacts the strength of our relationships in the here and now, which directly impact the relationship with the counselor you choose to work with.

When relationships in early life aren’t nurturing and supportive—which can happen for many reasons, including abuse, neglect, or the inability of parents to emotionally bond with a child—the impact can be long-lasting and prevent people from developing healthy connections. It can take a long time to experience trust in a relationship if you have experienced broken relationships or abandonment, especially in childhood.

Whatever the challenge in a relationship, the first step of therapy must be to identify and name that pain. That takes courage, regardless of how scary it may feel.

Whatever the challenge in a relationship, the first step of therapy must be to identify and name that pain. That takes courage, regardless of how scary it may feel.

Good therapy addresses the pain that brought you into therapy and helps you develop solutions to the issues you are experiencing. It focuses on the goals you have set and the challenges and limiting beliefs that may prevent you from reaching those goals. Recognizing these beliefs can occur when there is trust and respect between you and the counselor. If you sense the counselor is open to your challenges, you may be more open to addressing them using tools the counselor provides.

When early life relationships are inadequate, a person’s ability to trust can be severely impacted. Without trust between a counselor and a person in counseling, therapy can be ineffective. It is the counselor’s responsibility to work with you to develop trust though open-mindedness, communication, consistency, and compassion. Your responsibility is to try to meet the counselor in this process as best you can.

Because you are so deeply impacted by your relationships, both past and present, you must examine them as a part of the therapy you seek even if you believe they are unrelated. We are interconnected to everyone we have ever interacted with in a good or not-good manner. Like it or not, our relationships help determine who we are and how we are in the world. This truth must be acknowledged and honored in order to begin the journey of healing in counseling.

Productive and meaningful time management is a highly prized skill, but failing to make space in your day for unscheduled time may have a direct and negative effect on your sense of well-being. While many people seek therapy to master situation-specific goals, an overwhelming percentage struggle to let themselves relax and exist without actually doing anything. Without a basic ability to be comfortable being yourself, attaining states of further contentment and well-being through psychotherapy can be much more difficult. As the saying asks us to consider, is our inherent purpose to exist as human beings or human doings?

Our educational and work systems reward deadline-driven industriousness, and our society values people who work hard, meet goals, and build impressive résumés. With the invention of smartphones, digital calendars, GPS maps, and other technological tools, we have become increasingly able to accomplish more things faster than would have been imaginable a few decades ago. The lines between work and personal time blur more than ever as our attention to work email may extend throughout our waking hours and our families and friends distract our work or study periods with text or social media communication. And to what end? Societally, we seem conditioned to believe our worth is tied to using our time “wisely.” However we may define that, we seem to have lost our ability to value our space, solitude, and downtime. Ultimately, this is leading to individual and collective loss of the experience of feeling both content and human.

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In order to understand the remedy for this modern-day issue, it is important to first understand the cause of our discontent. I believe an unfortunate confluence of cultural beliefs and technological advances have come together to rob us of our ability to be present and in tune with ourselves, necessary components to feeling “okay.”

Our society tells us that we must be occupied to avoid “wasting time” such that people begin to believe their self-worth and goodness are tied to their productivity. Much to my surprise, I frequently hear people seeking therapy say they are unable to take time to be present with themselves, as there are “more important” uses of their time. Perhaps our societal belief that “time is money” has been taken far beyond its original meaning, making people captive to their activity. What’s more, as these habits of busyness and speediness take hold, people may become less able to stand being unoccupied and thus seek out momentary entertainment as a means of “killing time.” When was the last time you waited in a long line and didn’t consider reaching for your phone?

If we fill every moment with activity and distraction, we are missing some of the greatest gifts contained within time itself. In order to feel better about ourselves, we must be willing to just “be” rather than “do.”

Layered atop the societal value placed on productivity, pervasive technology and social media have made instantaneous and perpetual distraction easily available. The level of instant gratification that arises out of the momentary amusement has made these devices ever-present in waiting rooms, at dinner tables, and in bed. Every moment of life is filled, and there is no space to simply feel or “be.” In fact, our tolerance and willingness to feel alone, bored, or unproductive, even for short periods of time, is diminishing. This is particularly true for younger people who have never known a world without ubiquitous connectivity, and for whom connection to self and other often comes through screens rather than a felt sense of self experienced through being present in the physical world. Learning to be present with yourself may ultimately enhance genuine real-world connection with others that is mistakenly being sought through screen-based interaction.

The problem with these societal beliefs and our reliance on digital entertainment is that creativity is born out of boredom. Our sense of aliveness comes from being present with the life we live. If we fill every moment with activity and distraction, we are missing some of the greatest gifts contained within time itself. In order to feel better about ourselves, we must be willing to just “be” rather than “do.”

The antidote to busyness and speediness is to spend unscheduled time experiencing being yourself. You may pause and try being yourself while you are in nature, between tasks, or upon waking. I find that doing this exercise in the presence of trees or plants can be helpful, as they provide an excellent example of living entities that are doing nothing more than being fully what they are. If you are unable to easily access flora, any space in which you feel comfortable and able to relax and “be” will work.

In order to “be,” allow yourself to explore what it means to be present with yourself and your surroundings. Notice the thoughts that arise, including any cravings relating to wanting to do something. Allow yourself to be curious about feelings, including those of boredom and loneliness. What sensations do you notice? None of these thoughts, feelings, or sensations is a problem. None is right or wrong. They simply provide information about your state of being at that moment, and this knowledge informs your endeavor to fully be yourself.

Finally, see if it’s possible to be yourself without needing to do or be anything else—just exist as who and what you naturally are. While these directions may seem simple, they contain the essence of what it means to be alive, the cure to our modern state of existence, and ultimately the foundation for building a state of contentment.