The expression, “If it bleeds, it leads,” has been used to characterize media coverage of lurid stories since the early days of newspapers, and today’s around-the-clock news cycle has made avoiding negative news nearly impossible.

The near-constant barrage of stories about disease outbreaks, war, and natural disasters are taking a toll on people who consume the news, said Dr. Mary McNaughton-Cassill, a psychologist who studies the connection between stress and the media.

“What I believe happens to most people is that it adds to a feeling of malaise—a feeling that the world is just not going well,” she said.

Psychologists have studied the connection between repeated exposure to negative news items and an increase in feelings of depression and anxiety among news consumers. Some people may experience compassion fatigue or secondary traumatic stress, becoming less sympathetic to the plight of others over time due to an overabundance of stories of violence and suffering in the media. Others may experience a reaction similar to those who have experienced trauma firsthand.

Connection Between Media Exposure and Acute Stress

A 2013 study looked at the effect of continuous media coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings on a group of respondents from New York City, Boston, and the rest of the United States. A total of 4,675 adults took an Internet-based survey within a two to four-week period after the bombings on April 25, 2013; of that sample, about 10% were directly exposed to the bombing and 9% experienced the lockdown in Boston while police were looking for the suspects. Other respondents without direct exposure to the bombing reported six or more hours of daily media exposure to bombing coverage.

[fat_widget_right]The results indicated those respondents viewing news coverage for six or more hours were nine times more likely to report high acute stress levels than those with minimal media time. Those who had direct exposure had continuous acute stress symptoms but were less likely to exhibit high acute stress, perhaps, as researchers suggest, because emergency responders were on the scene to provide support. Researchers say repeated exposure to traumatic imagery through the media can activate fear circuitry in the brain and cause flashbacks—two precursors to developing posttraumatic stress (PTSD).

E. Alison Holman, PhD, lead author of the study, recognizes the results are correlational and the relationship between media and trauma is complicated.

“There are so many factors one needs to consider—prior life history (trauma, stress, health, social, family circumstances), ongoing post-Boston Marathon Bombing stressors, coping skills, and emotion regulation skills,” Holman said. “It is possible that this could happen, although I would caution that many people have acute stress symptoms that dissipate over time. We are currently looking into the question of quantity (hours) versus content (images, sounds) that might predispose someone to developing lasting posttraumatic stress and other mental health issues. At this point, all I can say is that it seems that both really matter.”

In a 2007 study, 179 college undergraduates were shown a 15-minute news broadcast, followed by a 15-minute relaxation exercise or a 15-minute lecture. The negative feelings induced by the newscast returned to a baseline level only in the group exposed to the relaxation exercise, suggesting that simply diverting attention was not enough to buffer negative feelings.

Coping With Negative News

The ways in which people cope with grim subject matter in the media can be categorized in three ways, McNaughton-Cassill said. The first group—hypervigilant and prone to anxiety—are the most self-selecting of what news they view and will generally tune into a message they agree with.

“If they’re not plugged in, they feel they’re missing something,” she said.

“If your work requires that you engage with frequent media stories—especially if they are of graphic violence—build stress-relieving activities into your routine so that you can counteract the negative effects.” —E. Alison Holman, PhD

The second group may tune out entirely and be unaware of what is going on the world, McNaughton-Cassill said, while the third group—the middle-ground category that most people fall into—is viewing news in a random manner and not consciously thinking about media exposure.

McNaughton-Cassill admits neither extreme is ideal but suggests people should be willing to set limits in terms of how often they check news and what items they choose to pay attention to.

Those who work in journalism may need to take extra precautions to neutralize potentially negative outcomes. Holman cautions people to avoid watching a 24-hour news cycle filled with negative news, as it is often sensationalized for shock value.

“There are studies showing that reporters who are frequently exposed to images of graphic violence report experiencing more mental health-related symptoms, and women may be more vulnerable to having a stronger physiologic stress response than men after subsequent stress when primed with reading negative news articles versus neutral news articles,” Holman said. “If your work requires that you engage with frequent media stories—especially if they are of graphic violence—build stress-relieving activities into your routine so that you can counteract the negative effects.”

Because media outlets are now under immense pressure to produce a continuous stream of news content, it is becoming increasingly difficult to filter out what information represents a legitimate threat and what is more benign.

“The way our memory works, we’re wired to pay attention to negative, scary things,” McNaughton-Cassill said. “The truth is, on objective measures, we’re much better than in the past.”

McNaughton-Cassill sees a silver lining to negative news if it propels people to action and toward contributing a solution to the problem. She suggests a solutions-based approach to counteract the negative aspects of news.

“I think the tagline that is missing in the media is ‘What can we do?’ What is the solution?” she said. “They need to show more people who are trying to solve problems.”

References:

1. Holman, E. A., Garfin, D. R., and Silver, R. C. (2013). Media’s role in broadcasting acute stress following the Boston Marathon bombings. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, Vol 111 (1), 93-98. doi:10.1073/pnas.1316265110
2. Moeller, S. D. (1999). Compassion Fatigue: How the Media Sell Disease, Famine, War and Death. New York, NY: Routledge.
3. Schwarzer, R. (1997). Psychosocial Notebook. Retrieved from http://www.macses.ucsf.edu/research/psychosocial/anxiety.php
4. Szabo, A. and Hopkinson, K.L. (2007). Negative psychological effects of watching the news in the television: Relaxation or another intervention may be needed to buffer them! International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, Vol 14 (2), 57-62. doi:10.1007/BF03004169

Two new studies suggest online therapy may be effective for treating mental health issues. Online therapy is increasingly popular, particularly among people who live in rural areas and cannot easily get to a therapist’s office or who are concerned about the costs of in-person therapy. New technology may pose some concerns, and the security of online therapy continues to be an issue, but research suggests the benefits may be significant.

The Benefits of Online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

The first study, published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, reviewed studies of online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) conducted between 2000 and 2012. CBT is a widely used and well-researched form of therapy, with most studies saying in-person forms of this treatment are highly effective. CBT focuses on reducing negative thoughts, thereby changing behavior and alleviating symptoms.

Most of the studies tracked participants for a relatively short period of time after undergoing therapy—ranging from eight weeks to about two years. Researchers found online CBT could effectively reduce symptoms of depression and other mental health issues. In some cases, online CBT was even more effective than traditional in-person therapy.

[fat_widget_right]Most online CBT sessions focused on short-term goals and symptom relief. Because the studies did not track participants for an extended period of time, the researchers do not know if the symptoms were permanently alleviated. The team that conducted the analysis cautions that some human connection is lost with online therapy, but they also say the evidence supporting online therapy’s effectiveness is significant.

Reducing Suicidal Feelings in Doctors

Another study, published in JAMA Psychiatry, looked at how online therapy affects the well-being of new doctors. Young doctors often work long hours, including nights and weekends, and the stress of those long shifts can lead to mental health issues such as depression and suicidal thoughts. One previous study found that suicidal thoughts increase four-fold during a medical residency.

Researchers looked at 200 first-year medical residents working 80-hour weeks and overnight shifts. Compared to doctors who received no online therapy, doctors who received four 30-minute online sessions before beginning their residency had fewer suicidal thoughts. Because the sessions were delivered online, researchers say it might be possible to provide such treatment to other doctors while still keeping costs low.

References:

1. Mozes, A. (2015, November 3). Online therapy may help some with emotional problems. Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2015/11/03/online-psychotherapy-may-help-some-with-emotional-problems
2. Online cognitive behavioral therapy benefits people with depression, anxiety. (2015, November 2). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/11/151102125440.htm
3. Study: Online therapy eases new doctors’ suicidal thoughts. (2015, November 4). Retrieved from http://news.wabe.org/post/study-online-therapy-eases-new-doctors-suicidal-thoughts

Thank you for reaching out with this powerful question. There are a number of reasons you may be engaging in this behavior, and I hope this response helps you to uncover some of what motivates it so that you can change it.

When behind the computer screen, it’s very easy for people to engage in behaviors they would never do in real life. The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person. One strange thing about the Internet is that while we are incredibly connected digitally, we are very disconnected interpersonally. The fact you can’t see the people you interact with online makes it easier to “other” them. When we “other” people, we don’t necessarily see them as real people with real feelings, and that makes it easier to disconnect from the reality that our words can cause actual harm.

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There is also a sense of the Internet being consequence free; you are largely anonymous, and unless someone is really motivated to find you, you’re likely to get away with this type of behavior. It is easy to see how slippery the slope can be when these two factors are combined. When they feel anonymous, people often do things they would not do in their daily lives. Those things we do when we feel anonymous are often impulses we have in daily life that are socially unacceptable or that we have been told are not allowed. When you are making these comments and “trolling” people, you likely have at least a couple of people who agree with you, which may make your behavior seem more acceptable. That could be another factor in why this is an issue for you.

The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person.

Perhaps the bigger issue here is why you feel the need to engage in these ways. Based on what you wrote, it seems as if you may get a thrill from feeling powerful and feeling as though you can whip up a frenzy just by what you say. That leads me to wonder if perhaps you are feeling less than powerful in your daily life and if this is a way for you to assert yourself. Given that you are also occasionally snappy with your parents, it may be that your life situation is one that causes you to seek power in whatever way you can find it and the Internet is an easy source.

I suggest a few things: First, seek out a qualified therapist in your area with whom you can address these feelings/impulses. Next, whenever you find yourself trolling, take the time to remind yourself that the person on the other end is a real person, with real feelings, real family, friends, and loved ones. There have been cases where people, whose emotional states we simply can’t know, have been driven to extreme despair, even suicide, due to cyber bullying. Given that you’ve reached out for help, which is courageous and admirable, I’m confident you don’t want to be one of the people who contribute to such tragic outcomes.

Please seek out the support of a therapist to find out what’s compelling you and to take steps to stop the behaviors that motivated you to write. It will likely be good for both you and the people on the other side of the screen.

Best wishes,
Lisa

In the 21^st century, as mindfulness-based practices become more mainstream, our society and psychotherapeutic community may be more willing to accept that Buddhism could be a valid psychological approach to reducing human suffering. —Danielle A. Einstein (2007)

In some ways, mindfulness is to Buddhism as worshiping is to religion. Mindfulness is a mental practice that is one core feature within a scaffolding of knowledge, tradition, and awakening. Now removed from its casing, mindfulness practices such as meditation are rigorously operationalized for psychotherapeutic purposes, including research designs. This detached arm of Buddhism has come alive in the West to gain size and strength despite the secular environment. Imagine if the “auditing” process in Scientology was an evidenced-based practice for relieving psychological distress. It is hard to imagine detaching such a practice from its larger cultural understanding and history.

There is an interesting emergence of Buddhist practices in psychotherapy as well as subtle distinction between religion and therapeutic models. The concept of religion relates to a social group’s preferred lifestyle, set of values, and interests, as well as committed practices, principles, and experiences (Mohr, 2011). To act “religiously” is to consciously and methodically conduct oneself in an activity, behavior, or ideology. A modern, magnified version of spirituality now includes positive psychology, whereby one searches for meaning, connection, and other secular hopes of universal inclusion (2011).

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“Mindfulness” has become a stand-alone contemporary practice for focus, affect regulation, and stress management. Mindfulness techniques have been incorporated into psychotherapy practices that, as a result, have taken on religious forms. The fat of the pre-modern (500 B.C.) tradition of Buddhism has been trimmed, and the leaner version (i.e., mindfulness) has migrated from desolate monasteries into empirical research and pop-psychology vernacular. Questions arise: Are the new-age psychotherapy practices religious? When teaching and conducting mindfulness-based practices, is it possible to parcel out the roots, allegiance, and ideology of its origin?

‘Third-Wave’ Therapies and Mindfulness

Mindfulness and other contemplative practices extracted from Buddhism are implanted in several evidence-based, cognitive behavioral practices. Mainstream cognitive behavioral-based therapies have evolved (called the “third wave”) to include mindfulness components. Despite secular efforts aimed to separate mindfulness from Buddhism, when examined closely, religious components are implicit to mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MCBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006). Much like a car’s side mirror, these are closer to religious belief systems and religious practices than they may appear.

The conceptual scaffolding of Kabat-Zinn’s MBSR stems from Theravada Buddhism (Einstein, 2007). The fundamental attitudes are acclimated practices of Buddhist awakening systems and reference the Four Noble Truths. For psychotherapy purposes, MBCT adds the empirical practices of cognitive behavioral therapy (often in group formats) to the MBSR program. Buddhism and MBCT join at the concept of “meta-cognitive insight.” Instead of viewing thoughts as an experiential reality, meta-cognitive insight notices thoughts just as thoughts, with a focus on the individual’s relationship with the thoughts (i.e., not the content).

The structural basis of ACT is relational frame theory (RFT), which is a behavioral explanation of human language and cognition. RFT is applied broadly, so it can be used to understand social processes including religion and spirituality (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006). Interventions derived from RFT and used in ACT approach religious values and practices. In the ACT model, one aim is for the client’s willingness “to clarify life values; and to behave in accord with chosen values through behavioral commitment strategies” (Hayes, 2002).

A significant commonality between ACT and other spiritual traditions (e.g., Buddhism) is the rationale that all humans experience inescapable suffering and the specific role of attachment, mindfulness, valued actions, and issues surrounding self (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006, and Hayes, 2002). Both ACT and Buddhism note the inherent problem of viewing and attaching to this unwavering “self” as something that can be managed with mindfulness practices (2002). For example, a belief that “I am depressed” or “I am a bad person” is a belief one attaches to, which perpetuates further anxiety or suffering. Mindfulness can elicit awareness and acceptance of this process of identification by allowing the person to step back from the internal experience (Sparks, 2015).

Much of psychotherapy is a movement out of a negative state and into a desired, often positive direction. In ACT, the goal is to feel emotions in the context of living a valuable life, while resisting avoidance tactics (Hayes, 2002). There is only a subtle behavioral difference between Buddhist mindfulness practices and ACT, in that the former accepts or actively sits with the thoughts, while the latter focuses on changing the thoughts that get in the way of progress (2002).

Zen Buddhism inspired aspects of DBT, along with behavioral science and dialectical philosophy. The concepts of being whole, interconnected, and amenable to change are central to the dialectical view of the world (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). Buddhist dialect uses matching concepts: embodiment, interdependence, or co-arising and impermanence (Einstein, 2007). Zen Buddhism and DBT both focus on the here and now with radical acceptance and letting go of ego. People who use DBT are committed to developing a stable lifestyle (e.g., not engaging in self-harm or suicide) with nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance to reality (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014).

The fat of the pre-modern (500 B.C.) tradition of Buddhism has been trimmed, and the leaner version (i.e., mindfulness) has migrated from desolate monasteries into empirical research and pop-psychology vernacular. Questions arise: Are the new-age psychotherapy practices religious? When teaching and conducting mindfulness-based practices, is it possible to parcel out the roots, allegiance, and ideology of its origin?

The structure of the DBT model from the perspective of clinicians mirrors the subtle paternalism occupied within DBT practice. Therapists are required to be part of a consultation team and/or a group with an almost dogmatic commitment to a list of rules (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). They must use compassion, properly assess problems before giving feedback, exercise assertiveness, emotionally repair with the team, as well as make agreements (e.g., no absolute truth, accept change as natural, empathic interpretations, fallibility). The guidelines are very reasonable and necessary for therapeutic alliance, but the process has an ideological structure one also finds within religious institutions.

In terms of beliefs, a DBT therapist must have a “willingness to believe in the client’s ability to change” (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014, p. 429) and to use “irreverent communication,” offer “cheerleading,” as well as prescribe “punishments,” such as “vacations from therapy” (p. 437). Is this a conducted activity, behavior, and/or ideology that is conscious and methodic?

Hayes (2002) described Buddhism as the inclusion of “traditions of faith, ritual, practice, and community that are designed to support mindfulness and wholesome actions, and short of becoming a religion, no system of psychotherapy will include all of these elements” (p.65). Perhaps DBT merely falls short in the category of faith.

DBT therapists also use traditional metaphors, parable, and myth with people. They will at times “play devil’s advocate” in a practice called “extending” (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). In Zen Buddhism, to reduce dominate meaning of events, “koans” or stories are often “presented as verbal puzzles” as a provocation for questioning principles of reality through meditation (Hayes, 2002, and Fischer, 2013). The dialectic approach activates “What is being left out here?” while Zen koans, similarly, unearth “what is there when the puzzle is no more” (2002, p. 64). Both DBT and Buddhism aim for the individual to let go of their patterns of reactivity to relieve suffering (or in Buddhism, “dukkha”) (Einstein, 2007).

Applicability to Therapy Techniques

When applied to psychotherapy techniques, the separation of mindfulness practices from the origin—Buddhism—initially resulted in a secularization (2007). The cultural taboo of speaking about religion need not apply to “mindfulness” if it is a culturally accepted, therapeutic tool. Neuroscientist and mindfulness proponent Richard Davidson dedicated a chapter in his book, The Emotional Life of the Brain, to this process. He writes about keeping his meditation practice a secret based on perceived stigma or misunderstanding by colleagues. He speaks topically to the idea of spirituality and Buddhism, but there is no explicit mention of an affiliation with Buddhism.

The increasing segregation or nonconformity of “mindfulness” from Buddhism has actually created an independent spiritual practice (i.e., within modernity) that is being measured scientifically. This is akin to the obstinate historical nature of atheism against—largely—monotheistic religions. Although seemingly isolating, the active disbelief in God created a scientific movement (e.g., led by Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennett). The degree of this conscious extension of nonconformity essentially created a religion according to this article’s conceptualization (i.e., methodic and behavioral group ideology).

Buddhism is actually counter to our modern, Western culture. “Mindfulness” is a lighter version with more individualistic aspects (e.g., self-improvement, stress reduction). Buddhism is a radical, pre-modern tradition born within a society that emphasizes the collective “we” versus “I”. For individuals to learn mindfulness apart from Buddhist tradition and precepts is as arbitrary as the isolation of genuflecting prayer (e.g., Christianity) or “auditing” (i.e., Scientology) to use as singular tools for eradicating suffering. The dialectical question for contemporary mindfulness practice becomes: what are we leaving out?

References:

1. Andersson, G., & Asmundson, G. (2006). CBT and Religion. Editorial. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (35): 1.
2. Castillo, R. (1997). Culture & Mental Illness: A Client-Centered Approach. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.
3. Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live—And How You Can Change Them. Hudson Street Press.
4. Einstein, D. A. (2007). Innovations and Advances in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Huxter, M.J.: Chapter 4 Mindfulness as Therapy from a Buddhist Perspective. Australian Academic Press.
5. Fischer, N. (2013). Training in Compassion: Zen Teachings on the Practice of Lojong. Shambhala Publications.
6. Frankl, V. (1959). Man’s Search for Meaning.
7. Germer, C.K. (2005). Mindfulness: What is it? What does it matter? In C.K. Germer, R.D. Siegel, & P.R. Fulton (Eds.), Mindfulness and Psychotherapy (pp. 3-27). New York: The Guilford Press.
8. Hayes, S. C. (2002). Buddhism and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice: 9, 58-66.
9. Mohr, S. (2011). Integration of Spirituality and Religion in the Care of Patients with Severe Mental Disorders. Religions (2): 549-565.
10. Neacsiu, A. D., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. In: D.H. Barlow (ed.) Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders. Fifth Edition. New York: The Guildford Press 394-461.
11. Sparks, F. “Using Mindfulness in Your Practice: Wisdom and Compassion in Counseling and Coaching.” University of Wisconsin Continuing Studies Workshop. March 10-11, 2015. Madison, Wisconsin.

Most sleep research focuses on the inability to fall asleep, but people who have trouble staying asleep may experience more negative moods. According to a new study published in the journal Sleep, interrupted sleep for three or more consecutive nights produces worse symptoms than inadequate sleep due to staying up too late. About 10% of Americans experience insomnia, and frequent wakefulness during the night is one of the most common symptoms.

The Effects of Interrupted Sleep

To study how various sleep disturbances affect well-being, researchers recruited 62 healthy men and women with normal sleep patterns, then divided them into three groups. A control group slept through the night without being interrupted, another group had a later-than-usual bedtime, and the third group was awakened eight times during the night. The pattern repeated for three days.

Researchers assessed study participants’ moods each day. The day after the first night of sleep deprivation, both the later-than-usual bedtime group and the interrupted sleep group had similarly poor moods. By the second night, clear differences had emerged. Members of the interrupted sleep group had a 31% decrease in positive mood, compared to 12% among those who went to bed later than usual. The two groups did not have any noteworthy differences in negative mood, which suggests the problem with interrupted sleep is that it interferes with positive feelings rather than creating negative ones.

The challenge with interrupted sleep, the study’s authors emphasize, is that it interferes with the body’s ability to go through all stages of sleep, including the deepest sleep that usually results in a feeling of restoration in the morning.

How Much Sleep Do You Really Need?

[fat_widget_right]The National Sleep Foundation recently changed its sleep guidelines for adults. The organization now recommends that adults ages 18-64 get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night. Seniors age 65 and older should aim for 7 to 8 hours of sleep.

Good sleep habits can help combat various sleep disorders and encourage better sleep quality. The National Sleep Foundation recommends the following:

• Turn off smartphones and other screens when you sleep, and do not sleep with them in the bed.
• Limit food intake directly before bedtime.
• Get plenty of natural sunlight to help regulate your circadian rhythms.
• Reduce your caffeine intake, especially in the hours before bedtime.
• Develop a sleep routine that relaxes you. Avoid upsetting conversations, stressful movies, and other things that might keep you up before bed.
• If you struggle to fall asleep at night, avoid napping during the day.

References:

1. Interrupted sleep impacts mood more than lack of sleep, study finds. (2015, November 2). Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/301879.php
2. National Sleep Foundation recommends new sleep times. (2015, February 2). Retrieved from https://sleepfoundation.org/media-center/press-release/national-sleep-foundation-recommends-new-sleep-times
3. Preidt, R. (2015, October 30). Interrupted sleep not good for your mood, study suggests. Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2015/10/30/interrupted-sleep-not-good-for-your-mood-study-suggests
4. Sleep hygiene. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://sleepfoundation.org/ask-the-expert/sleep-hygiene

You’re strong. You’re thick-skinned. You don’t take it personally when someone vents emotional distress on you.

These are admirable, useful qualities. Having thick skin makes it easier for people to be themselves with you, and for you to be with other people. It allows you to hear the message beneath the emotion, protecting you from the outburst. If you didn’t have thick skin, you could be emotionally overwhelmed or your ego could be crushed by the anger or criticism of others.

But everything has two sides. The potential negative side of being thick-skinned is being too permissive and accepting verbal abuse. The worst-case scenario is your thick skin keeps you in relationships that devolve into physical abuse. It’s important to consider when a strength has become a weakness.

Here are some questions worth asking when you feel your thick skin being tested:

1. Is the person displacing anger on you? An example of displacement is when a person is angry at a coworker but yells at the dog. It usually occurs when people can’t express anger at the person or entity they’re actually angry at: a boss, a parent, an unjust society. It happens sometimes, but if it happens often, you may have become the dumping ground for another person’s anger.
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2. Is the person’s expression of anger or criticism an attempt to repair a problem? Anger can alert us to the fact we’re unhappy about something. An expression of these feelings can be an attempt to improve your relationship. When a person’s expression of anger or criticism is controlled and respectful and the goal is improvement, a thick skin is valuable in helping you remain open to hearing what the other person is trying to communicate.
3. Is the person’s anger or criticism an attempt to hurt you? Instead of trying to improve the relationship, sometimes the goal is to hurt you. It’s never OK for someone to try to hurt you. Your thick skin could be detrimental if it allows you to ignore hurtful behavior.
4. Is the anger mild or high intensity? The intensity of anger runs on a spectrum from calm, respectful communication to red-faced shouting that is disrespectful and threatening. Your strength is a weakness if it’s allowing you to tolerate dangerous and disrespectful outbursts.
5. Is this anger coming at me typical behavior for this relationship or is it a rare outburst? If hostility toward you is typical and frequent for your relationship, your tolerance is too high. Even if you think you can take it, the anger and criticism can take a toll on your health and mental well-being. A high-intensity incident, even if rare, is cause for concern and shouldn’t be ignored.
6. Is the experience of tolerating other people’s anger isolated to one relationship or do you experience it in multiple relationships? If multiple people are getting upset with you about the same thing, then that could be an indication you have a problematic behavior you should confront. On the other hand, if multiple people—your boss, your neighbor, your friends—are all displacing their anger on you, then your thick skin may have unconsciously made you into a safe target for other people’s aggression.

The bottom line is other people shouldn’t hurt you. You might be able to take it, but maybe you shouldn’t.

This is a picture of a child experiencing selective mutism—children who speak to certain people in certain situations (most commonly immediate family members inside the home) but are otherwise silent.

For parents of children with selective mutism, life can be frustrating. They are often led down a path of incorrect diagnoses, including autism, language disorders, or oppositional defiant disorder. Some are given no diagnosis at all and are reassured by well-meaning doctors, teachers, family members, and friends that their child is “just shy” and “will grow out of it.”

The reality is that children with selective mutism do not grow out of the anxiety that prevents them from speaking. They are typically diagnosed between the ages of 3 and 6 and, without treatment, spend their childhood and adolescence struggling to answer teachers’ questions, talk to peers, and get help when they are hurt. This can sometimes result in academic underachievement, social isolation, and low self-esteem.

[fat_widget_right]The good news is that effective treatments for selective mutism exist. The first step is an assessment by a qualified psychologist or mental health practitioner. Learning more about the condition can also help improve the quality of life for both the child and parents. To help facilitate that important step, here are 10 dos and don’ts for parents of children with selective mutism:

1. DO Understand That Selective Mutism Is Not a ‘Choice’

When children do not speak despite having language skills at home, it can seem like an act of defiance. Children might act silly, become aggressive, growl, freeze, or appear to simply ignore whoever is speaking to them. It is important for parents to recognize that these behaviors are based in anxiety, not oppositionality.

2. DO Lay off the Questioning

For children with selective mutism, speaking is hard. When you see your child clamming up, lay off the questions. Pushing them to speak will only increase their anxiety and reduce the likelihood that they will be able to talk.

3. DO Describe and Praise Their Behaviors

When you see your child becoming anxious in a speaking situation, you can take the pressure off by simply describing what you see your child doing and praising their efforts to participate in activities, whether verbally or nonverbally.

4. DO Give Your Child Time to Speak

Often, adults ask children questions in a rapid-fire format with little breathing room in between. Children experiencing selective mutism often have a delay before speech, so always wait at least five seconds after you ask a child with selective mutism a question to give them a chance to answer.

5. DO Notice Your Own Reaction to Your Child’s Silence

When a parent sees their child freeze or hide when asked a question, it will likely be that parent’s natural, caring response to speak for the child. This may reduce both a parent and child’s anxiety, but it can also prevent the child from overcoming mutism.

6. DON’T Offer Rewards for Something Your Child Can’t Do

Since mutism is not a choice, but rather an inability to speak driven by anxiety, asking your child to speak in exchange for a reward is like offering your artistic spouse a million dollars to complete a calculus question. It comes from a place of kindness, but is rarely helpful.

7. DON’T Try to Understand the ‘Rules’ of a Child with Selective Mutism

Children with selective mutism may speak to one teacher but not the other, their grandmother but not their grandfather, one of four aunts, and so on. Children with selective mutism divide the world into those people, places, and activities in which they speak and those in which they do not. These boundaries are rigid, and trying to understand the why behind your child’s rules may only cause frustration.

8. DON’T Expect ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’

I applaud those parents who are unwilling to accept that their child should suffer in silence and encourage all parents to persevere in their search for treatment in the face of being repeatedly told, “Your child is just shy.”Courtesies such as please, thank you, hello, and goodbye may be some of the most difficult words a child with selective mutism will learn to say. Unfortunately, they are also the words parents often push for the hardest because they don’t want their child to be perceived as being rude. The reality is that these children are anxious, not rude, and most will grow up to be thoughtful, polite adults.

9. DON’T Criticize Your Child

This one seems obvious, but criticism can hide in seemingly innocuous phrases. “You spoke so well last week. What’s going on this week?” or “Look how your brother is talking, can you try to be like him?” may not sound overtly critical to parents, but are often experienced as critical by children.

10. DON’T Give Up

Many children with selective mutism never receive appropriate treatment. Many parents who seek help for their children report their own struggles with selective mutism throughout their lives. I applaud those parents who are unwilling to accept that their child should suffer in silence and encourage all parents to persevere in their search for treatment in the face of being repeatedly told, “Your child is just shy.”

Acknowledgement: Adapted from the work of Dr. Steven Kurtz.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Selective mutism. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (pp. 195-197) (5^th). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
2. Stanley, C. (n.d.). The top ten myths about selective mutism. Selective Mutism Group. Retrieved from http://www.selectivemutism.org/resources/library/SM%20General%20Information/Top%20Ten%20Myths%20about%20SM.pdf

As a family therapist, I have helped families work with benign issues, such as a teens refusing to clean their rooms, as well as extreme ones, such as revelations of sexual abuse. One of the more frequent issues brought to my attention is a parent’s lack of ability to “control” a child and the consequent use of spanking to garner this control.

Spanking as a Matter of Culture

Having been forced to respond to this issue time and again, I have done a lot of research and thought a lot about it. Aside from the obvious ethical issue—namely my role as a mandated reporter—I have had to struggle with a practice steeped in the history of American culture. Corporal punishment, or the deliberate infliction of physical pain, has been part of our culture since our early days as a nation, even being used today in some school systems in America (19 states allow it).

[fat_widget_right]Does spanking work? Should we all be hitting our kids to develop a society of rule followers who respect authority? Well, think about it: Does being afraid of authority necessarily mean you respect it?

Fear vs. Respect

What I have seen throughout my time as a therapist is that fear doesn’t usually tend to lead to respect. In my work, often one or both parents believe they were kept in line as a child only through beating. When we examine this more closely, the parents openly recognize corporal punishment did not always promote adherence to the rules when they were kids; they simply became better at not being caught breaking the rules.

In my experience, corporal punishment (or spanking, whooping, hitting, beating, etc.) often promotes more aggressive behavior in the child at home and in school. The child who is punished with spanking is often left with few skills to cope when difficult situations and emotions arise, and they tend to repeat the modeled behavior of the parent by turning to physical aggression to solve problems.

An article in Monitor on Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association, examined spanking research conducted over the years. Several recent peer-reviewed studies indicate children who had been disciplined with corporal punishment were more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior toward friends and siblings. One study, published in 2011 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect, looked at 100 families with children ages 3 to 7 and found in households where children were spanked, the kids were more likely to use violence to resolve conflicts with their siblings and friends. The article in Monitor also shared evidence that physical punishment may increase the risk for mental health issues for kids, including anxiety and depression.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.” These kids want to escape the relationship because they see the punishment as abuse.

How Can We Parent Our Kids Without Spanking?

The use of rewards and consequences can be one of the best ways to gain respect and control over children and teens’ behavior. Many caregivers try this and fail. In many cases, one parent didn’t maintain the rewards or consequences, or a partner undermined efforts. I often see parents who haven’t completely committed to the use of rewards and consequences, and instead of working on becoming more consistent, blame is put on the child.

To effectively administer a plan to discipline and encourage your children, there are a few steps to follow:

1. Make two separate lists: one of behaviors you want to promote and one of behaviors you want to work on decreasing. Examples of behaviors to increase include taking out the trash, cleaning the bedroom, and completing homework. Behaviors to decrease could include being impolite, hitting, and fighting. Each child is different, and a plan has to be tailored to the needs of your family.
2. Think about appropriate rewards and consequences for each behavior. Parents can come up with many rewards that don’t cost a thing and may improve relationships in the family. Examples of rewards are: playing a game with your child, taking your child to the park, and/or letting your child spend time with friends. Consequences can include taking away privileges (use of video games, phone, etc.) and grounding or time-out, depending on the age of your child.
3. Share the plan with your child. Children must be aware of the possible consequences and rewards in order to give them the chance to make the appropriate choices. Parents can use this plan as a tool by reminding the child of the consequences of their choices before they make them.

If your child is not used to facing consequences, they will likely resist, and it may require some effort on your part to remain firm and maintain the consequence. Persevering through the first month or so will be necessary to see positive, long-term results in your parenting style and your relationship with your child.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.”Some factors make maintaining a plan for rewards and consequences difficult. Guilt is probably the No. 1 reason I hear for a parent not being able to us this system to improve a child’s behavior. Lack of support is the second most common, and when there is support, often spouses and co-caregivers can’t agree on how to parent, and thus “splitting” occurs. In this scenario, the child gets away with whatever they want, and the parents end up angry at each other. For these three reasons, among others, many parents struggle with creating and maintaining boundaries and expectations for their kids.

A careful mix of executive authority and a nurturing stance is needed to earn respect from your kids. If you are struggling to implement such a plan, don’t resort to hitting. Working with a therapist can help you cope with feelings of guilt and can also help you and your spouse or co-caregiver work as a team and eliminate splitting. As this article suggests, you are not alone, and seeking help from a therapist in no way means you are a failure, but instead represents that you are a proactive parent.

References:

1. Rochman, B. (2012, July 02). Hitting your kids increases their risk of mental illness. Time. Retrieved from http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/02/physical-punishment-increases-your-kids-risk-of-mental-illness
2. Smith, B.L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
3. Strauss, V. (2014, September 18). 19 states still allow corporal punishment in school. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/09/18/19-states-still-allow-corporal-punishment-in-school/

’Tis the season for ghosts and goblins and creepy crawlies real and imagined … so I want to talk about one of the human mind’s scariest inventions, one nearly all of us believe in from time to time.

The bubble.

As in, “I’m just waiting for this bubble to burst.”

What, exactly, is the bubble? For many, it represents a happy time in life, a time when things are going well or some relief from a problem has been realized, a too-good-to-be-true moment or relationship. But it comes with a nagging feeling, a sense that it will all come crashing down at some point. People are uneasily content inside their bubbles; believing it could burst at any moment creates anxiety, fear, and worry. They fret themselves into pretzels and struggle to appreciate good fortune because they are so preoccupied with the possibility it will end.

I’ve seen people finally meet the partners of their dreams, only to walk around terrified that their new love is too perfect, the relationship too easy. They find themselves “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I’ve seen mothers with healthy, beautiful families who, on the one hand, talk about how much they love motherhood and how thankful they are but, on the other, are so terrified their kids will get sick or injured that they spend most of their time researching symptoms online and seeking reassurances from doctors’ offices.

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At first glance, these two examples might seem to have nothing in common—a type of self-esteem issue and a form of hypochondria—but both are signs that a scary-feeling bubble of sorts has taken over and prevented each person from fully enjoying what they have.

There are many interesting things to discover about each person’s unique bubble. For someone in a new relationship, we can talk about the joys of the “honeymoon” phase and how important it is for lasting connection. We can talk about the person’s belief that he or she is not worthy of a good relationship. For the mom with an overly involved parenting style, we can connect to her sense of responsibility and her deep love and desire to protect her children. We can gently poke at the bubble and remind these folks that, like all creatures, they deserve good things in their lives and don’t have to “pay” for them with bad fortune later.

Indeed, bad fortune does come to some of us some of the time, but the bubble doesn’t prepare us. We might look back and say, “Oh, I knew my luck would run out” or “The relationship was bound to fail at some point,” but the bubble didn’t help matters. It’s imaginary. We invented it out of thin air.

More importantly, the bubble doesn’t protect us from anything. It just causes us stress. The bubble is our safeguard against all that we fear: as long as we put ourselves in this happy bubble over here, but feel impending doom (or at least some alternative, negative reality) over there, we can stay in a fantasy.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

There is no bubble. All of these feelings and states and phases in our lives are just part of our lives.

We have grown accustomed to the idea that there is a “honeymoon” phase at the beginning of relationships and that it’s not a bubble that bursts. It is a stage that we can be grateful for, one that graduates to something else. Similarly, we should get used to the fact there will be times of health, connection, and success without expecting “payback” down the road. Just because something wonderful is happening in our lives doesn’t mean it must be followed by something terrible.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

The best we can do when things are going well, when we have healthy children or a flourishing relationship, is to stay mindful of what we have and enjoy it. Spend more time flourishing, enjoying your good health, and cultivating happy things. This is the cornerstone of a solution-focused mind-set.

Here are some ways I help people in therapy through their bubble mind-sets:

• Use anxiety as a reminder to feel gratitude. When you think, “Nobody’s gotten sick yet this winter, so a bad flu must be on its way,” use this as a reminder to feel grateful for the health your family has enjoyed so far, and to keep doing what’s working to keep you all healthy. Try hard to translate what’s working into actual behaviors.
• When the bubble tells you that this can’t last, counter it. Identify the ways it’s trying to make you nervous, then challenge it by saying, “Nothing lasts forever, so I’m going to enjoy what I have right now. Being worried about when it will end isn’t going to help me cope in the future and will make it harder to enjoy this time.”
• Spread your confidence and gratitude to others. When you hear someone expecting the good in their life to end, counter it. Point out that nobody deserves bad fortune, and encourage the person to enjoy what they are experiencing as long as they can.
• Seek therapy and support when bad events do happen. Perhaps the worst thing about the bubble mind-set is it allows for bad fortune to feel like it makes sense. If we believe we are in a bubble that can be popped by bad luck, a wrong move, or negligence, it may always seem like we are doomed. Partnering with a counselor can help challenge this line of thinking and get to work on solving the actual problem: the bad event itself.

Remember, bubbles are every bit as imaginary as ghosts and goblins. Happy Halloween!

Older adults may be better than young people at correcting mistakes, according to a study published in Psychological Science. The research contradicts common stereotypes about learning, including the notion that older people are less able to learn than young people.

Does Age Aid Learning?

Researchers wanted to look at both brain activity measures and behavioral components of learning. They recruited 44 young adults around age 24 and 45 older adults around age 74. None of the participants had a history of neurological or psychiatric issues.

Researchers fitted the participants with an electroencephalogram (EEG) cap, then presented them with a series of general knowledge questions (for example, “Which ancient city was home to the Hanging Gardens?”). The investigators encouraged participants to guess when they were unsure, but saying “I don’t know” was also an option. Each participant rated their confidence in each answer on a 7-point scale. Researchers then gave them the correct answer while measuring brain activity.

The trial continued until each participant had made at least 40 errors—20 on high-confidence answers and 20 on low-confidence answers. Older adults needed an average of 244 questions to reach this threshold, while younger adults needed about 230.

In a second trial, researchers removed the EEG cap and retested the participants by asking them 20 questions that produced high-confidence errors, 20 questions that produced low-confidence errors, and 20 unanswered questions.

[fat_widget_right]Older adults got 41% of the questions correct, and younger adults answered 26% correctly. Both groups reported greater confidence in the answers they got right, but older adults reported higher overall confidence in their answers. Older adults also corrected more of their errors in the second trial, suggesting the older age group may be more likely to learn from previous mistakes.

Age, Learning, and the Brain

EEG results showed larger quantities of a P3a component—a brain wave associated with attentive processing—for both age groups when receiving feedback on high-confidence errors compared to low-confidence errors. When receiving feedback on low-confidence errors, older adults produced larger P3a relative to their younger counterparts.

The research team says these findings suggest younger and older adults may display different attention patterns, but older adults may focus more on correcting mistakes. Older adults may also be less susceptible to the hypercorrection effect—a previous finding that says high-confidence errors are more likely to be corrected than low-confidence errors.

In total, older adults corrected more of their mistakes than younger adults, suggesting they may be more adept at updating their existing knowledge with new information than the stereotype about older adults’ cognitive abilities implies.

References:

1. Older beats younger when it comes to correcting mistakes. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/older-beats-younger-when-it-comes-to-correcting-mistakes.html
2. Older people better at correcting their mistakes. (2015, October 29). Retrieved from http://www.ndtv.com/world-news/older-people-better-at-correcting-their-mistakes-1237735

One of the principal aspects of mindfulness is acceptance of one’s experience in the present moment. This practice has numerous mental health benefits—but as you may have realized, it is easier said than done. When our experience is pleasant, it is easy for us to accept it; if our experience is unpleasant, we naturally want to reject it.

Why would we want to stay with unpleasant feelings? Humans naturally try to repress, distract from, project, or employ other defense mechanisms in order to not feel what is unpleasant. This obviously has degrees, and the more painful an experience is, the harder our systems work to get it out of our consciousness. So here we are, told that we need to “be with our experience,” yet our natural tendency is to run away from it. What to do?

The good news is that as we develop our capacity to be with our experience, it becomes easier. It’s much like going to the gym: initially it is very hard and we resist it, but the more we train, the easier it gets and the more we actually want to do it. When we begin to sense and feel the benefits of being with ourselves, we naturally begin to do it without as much effort.

Here are some ways to make the process easier:

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1. Start Exactly Where You Are

This is probably the most important aspect of being able to be with our experience. As much as we might like to, we simply cannot bypass our experience and be in an idealized place we think we should be. To work with any internal state, we have to be exactly where we are.

For example, we may be feeling a difficult emotion such as disgust, but then may also have a strong reaction to the disgust. We have to work with the reaction before we can really focus on the disgust. If we try to bypass the reaction by saying something like, “I need to accept my disgust,” then we are missing our reactivity. And that is the first layer we need to be with.

2. Allow Rather Than Accept

Similar to the previous point, we cannot force our acceptance of something; we can only have a disposition or attitude toward it. If we are feeling something difficult and telling ourselves, “I need to accept it,” we likely won’t be able to do it.

In a way, acceptance happens on its own and in its own time. The best we can do is try our best to allow: we allow the fact we don’t want to accept whatever feelings we have. We may say something like, “I don’t like this feeling of sadness and I’ll try to be with it, even if I don’t want to feel it.” At the same time, we also allow the fact we don’t like the sadness.

3. Be Curious

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

One way to develop curiosity is to adopt the attitude of a biologist doing naturalistic observations. A biologist wanting to understand the behaviors of lions in Africa, for instance, has the goal of simply observing the animals in their natural environment without interfering. They would not say, “Oh, this lion should not be eating that gazelle.” Rather, they would patiently observe and record what they notice. If they intervened and tried to distract the lion in order to save the gazelle, they would not be able to see exactly how the lion behaves naturally.

We can take that same attitude toward our inner landscape. We can notice our emotions, body sensations, and thoughts and not interfere with them. We simply notice what we see and try our best to suspend judgment of what should be happening. With time and patience, we begin to see connections and patterns that reveal a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4. Ask Questions of Your Internal Experience

Sometimes I will feel deep sadness inside and my tendency is to try to make myself feel different. But sometimes, I’ll directly ask my sadness what it needs. “How can I be with you in the most supportive way?” “What do you need?”

As much I don’t want to feel my experience at times, it is there for a reason—and the more open to understanding it that I am, the greater its chances of truly transforming. If I let my inner experience have a life of its own and honor its needs, it will likely reveal its cause and purpose.

5. Find Balance Between Challenge and Support

There may be times when your inner experience feels unbearable, and observing it directly may be very difficult. At such times, it may not be wise to try to stay with it; finding a source of comfort and support may be the better thing to do. This is true particularly if you have trauma in your history. In these cases, staying with difficult material may be counterproductive.

6. Respond with Flexibility

We are complex beings, and there is no one formula to dealing with our inner experience. Each time we meet ourselves, something different may be required.

An important skill we must develop is flexibility of response. At any given moment, any of these tips may be counterproductive, and at another time they may be exactly what we need. With practice, we become more flexible and attuned to what is most supportive at any given moment.

7. Remember That You Are Only Human

As committed as we may be to our inner transformation, we will generally fall short of our expectations. The truth is, the faster we are able to forgive ourselves—to be kind to the parts of us that feel shameful and that we can barely tolerate—the more chances for peace we have.

In addition, being able to let go of the self-improvement project is crucial. The very fact of wanting to improve ourselves implies a rejection of our present-moment experience or circumstances. As much as you are able, try to let go of any ideas of “making yourself better” and focus instead on accepting (or allowing) your experience be exactly what it is.

8. Recognize That Help Is Needed

We can’t do this alone; I don’t know anyone who can or has. In my own work, I have a tremendous capacity to fool myself and stay stuck in repetitive patterns for long periods. If it were not for the help and wisdom of others who have helped me in my process, I probably would not be where I am today.

The sooner we begin to allow others to guide and help us, rather than trying to figure it out on our own, the sooner our inner journey becomes so much easier. If you need help, please seek the support of a qualified therapist.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Recent research confirms that managing relationship conflict is indeed a difficult yet crucial task for romantic partners, and the intensity and impact of conflict depend on several variables, including the nature of the relationship, the context in which the conflict occurs, and the strategies employed to address it. Many partners struggle to find ways to avoid hurt feelings without avoiding discussion altogether. You might feel unable to control your actions at times, especially when you feel attacked or shamed. You and your partner may get locked into dynamics that feel inevitable, and you might begin to respond to each other based on the repetition of those patterns rather than what is happening in the present moment. These recurring patterns often reflect underlying attachment styles, which can develop early on and continue to shape how partners respond to each other in conflict.

Self-awareness and empathy can allow you to define your patterns and become aware of what triggers you and your partner to feel the emotions that lead to defensive and contemptuous behaviors. Research demonstrates that developing self-awareness, along with active listening—the practice of fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what someone is saying—can help you become more empathetic. High levels of self-awareness are a sign of high emotional intelligence that leads to improved communication, more empathy, improved conflict resolution, and improved emotional regulation.

Often, understanding the patterns of your arguments is enough to de-escalate or even prevent harmful interactions. As individuals mature and gain more experience in managing conflicts and relationships, they develop a much clearer inner structure and more flexible and consistent use of conflict management dimensions. There are times, however, that this information leads partners to look at each other and say: “You know what triggers me. So when you stop, I’ll be able to stop, too.”

Who has the responsibility here? The one who has grown more aware of her partner’s sensitivity to a certain tone, or the one who learns he is sensitive to tones that remind him of earlier, painful experiences? Both, of course! Keeping in mind that taking responsibility for how you respond doesn’t mean you’re accepting disrespect, abuse, or hurtful behavior from your partner. Both partners need to be attentive to both their own behaviors and how they react to each other. But what happens when your partner isn’t being skillful enough to alter his or her behavior? Do you jump right in and engage in your old pattern?

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Here is the moment where you make an important choice. What would happen if you didn’t need your partner to change first, so that you can change in response? What would it be like to take ownership of your own development and create change simply because you understand its importance?

You can ask your partner to be mindful of your sensitivities, approach you differently, and refrain from certain language or tones. But you cannot allow yourself to place your self-control and your accountability in the hands of another. It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. Research by John Gottman has shown over decades that an excessive amount of defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and breakup, which he called one of the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” for relationships. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Think about what would happen if you recognized the pattern and stopped it in its tracks. Imagine being the one who chooses not to perpetuate the cycle just this one time. What would you feel knowing you had reduced the opportunity for pain and disconnection between you and your partner? And in that stillness—that moment where the dynamic breaks down—so many options emerge. What other behaviors could you choose that might lead to connection, hope, and love?

Research on interpersonal emotion regulation shows this is a crucial skill that underpins the emotional dynamics in couples’ relationships, involving not only focusing on one’s own emotions but also considering one’s partner’s emotional experience.

If you’re in a high-conflict or potentially unsafe relationship, or if past experiences have left you feeling easily triggered, it can be hard to manage your emotions in the moment. Working with a therapist on your own first can give you helpful tools for staying safe and regulating your emotions before trying these strategies with your partner.

Remember: postponing or altering your reaction does not mean you condone disrespect or abuse. But if you know you and your partner are committed to a healthier relationship, then re-commit during the conflict. Slow down long enough to determine what you want to do next. Rather than feel compelled by adrenaline, anger, or inaccurate interpretations, become curious! Emotional regulation is essential for healthy relationships because it directly impacts how we communicate, resolve conflict, and stay connected. In relationships, emotional regulation means being able to manage your own feelings—like anger, frustration, or anxiety—so that you respond to situations thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Be curious about your own needs, feelings, and experience. Perhaps a deep breath or a walk around the block could calm your nerves long enough so you can reengage with your partner in a more loving way. Maybe you just need to clarify that you heard your partner correctly. Or perhaps you might describe how the current interaction feels to you and ask for a new beginning. Ask for as many new beginnings as you need to get it right.

What your partner does in response to any of this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to promote interactions that align with the kind of relationship you want. As long as you come from love, compassion, and understanding, you will see your partner more clearly because your misconceptions and pain will no longer cloud your vision. When we understand our own emotions and experiences, we become more attuned to those of our partner, recognizing their triggers, biases, and limitations. Self-awareness helps you take things less personally, step into your partner’s shoes, acknowledge their perspective, and find common ground, ultimately strengthening your relationship. Once you really see your partner, you can decide if you still want to invest your time and energy into the relationship. If your partner also longs for a new dynamic, he or she will appreciate your effort and most likely want to reciprocate by joining you in a fresh start.

Ultimately, you must begin with yourself. Take a risk and make the first move. Recent studies show that among married individuals, the functionality of emotion regulation strategies has been associated with higher marital satisfaction and fewer conflict and stress events. Even a small change can dramatically alter the path you’re on and bring you closer to the relationship you desire.

• Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
• Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
• Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
• Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
• Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
• Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.

References:

1. Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
2. Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
3. Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
4. Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
5. Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
6. Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
7. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
8. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
9. Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.