Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which individuals attribute characteristics they find unacceptable in themselves to another person. For example, a husband who has a hostile nature might attribute this hostility to his wife and say she has an anger management problem.
In some cases projection can result in false accusations. For example, someone with adulterous feelings might accuse their partner of infidelity.
Types of Projection
Like other defense mechanisms, projection is typically unconscious and can distort, transform, or somehow affect reality. A classic example of the defense mechanism is when an individual says “She hates me” instead of expressing what is actually felt, which is “I hate her.”
There are three generally accepted types of projection:
- Neurotic projection is the most common variety of projection and most clearly meets the definition of defense mechanism. In this type of projection, people may attribute feelings, motives, or attitudes they find unacceptable in themselves to someone else.
- Complementary projection occurs when individuals assume others feel the same way they do. For example, a person with a particular political persuasion might take it for granted that friends and family members share those beliefs.
- Complimentary projection is the assumption other people can do the same things as well as oneself. For example, an accomplished pianist might take it for granted that other piano students can play the piano equally well.
What Is the Purpose of Projection?
Sigmund Freud believed projection to be a defense mechanism often used as a way to avoid uncomfortable repressed feelings. Feelings that are projected may be controlling, jealous, angry, or sexual in nature. These are not the only types of feelings and emotions projected, but projection most often occurs when individuals cannot accept their own impulses or feelings.
In modern psychology, the feelings do not necessarily have to be repressed to constitute projection. Projection can be said to provide a level of protection against feelings a person does not wish to deal with. Engaging in either complimentary and complementary projection can allow people to feel more like others or relate to them easily.
It is fairly common for people to engage in projection from time to time, and many people who project their feelings on occasion do not do so as a result of any underlying issue. In some cases projection can contribute to relationship challenges. Projection may also be a symptom of other mental health concerns.
Projection and Mental Health Concerns
Projection, one main mechanism of paranoia, is also frequently a symptom of narcissistic and borderline personalities. A person with narcissistic traits who does not respect their partner may say to the partner, “You don’t respect me or see my true worth.” Some individuals with borderline personality may be afraid of losing the people they love and project this fear by frequently accusing friends or partners of planning to leave. However, individuals who project their feelings in this way do not necessarily have either of these conditions.
A person in therapy may be able to address these projections with the help of a qualified mental health professional. When a person can explore the reasons behind any projected feelings, it may be possible to prevent or reduce occurrences of this behavior in the future.
- American Psychological Association. APA Concise Dictionary of Psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2009. Print.
- Corsini, R. J., & Wedding, D. (Eds.). (2007). Current Psychotherapies (Eighth ed.). Brooks Cole.
- Perry, J. C., Presniak, M. D., & Olson, T. R. (2013). Defense Mechanisms in Schizotypal, Borderline, Antisocial, and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Psychiatry, 76(1), 32-52.
- Projection. (n.d.). Changing Minds. Retrieved from http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/projection.htm
Last Updated: 02-16-2016
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SuzanneNovember 8th, 2014 at 5:01 PM
In my most recent relationship, my ex-boyfriend would wake me in the middle of the night, or begin discussions with me commencing with the accusation that I had been sleeping with other men. I knew it was a projection (he had many others too) and simply told him that I was sick of hearing this over and over again. I also asked him when he had ever seen me act inappropriately with any man. He could not think of any times when I had. He mentioned times when I had greeted a man warmly or given him a hug in my boyfriend’s presence. I also informed him that I was kind and loving and was not going to change my personality.
He also hated it when I suggested that perhaps he was the one sleeping with other women and the scenarios that he was ascribing to me, were actually ones he was enacting himself.
In the end, so many things about his behaviour; the pathological lying, sense of entitlement, stealing from my home and many other stressful things for me, made me decide to terminate the relationship. I was never a victim in this relationship and did love him dearly, despite the things that he would do. I learned a lot about me and my childhood and what I endured back then. I also learned to set inviolable boundaries and heaps of other positive things. This relationship was not a waste of time. It did teach me though, that some people have a long way to go to become half-way decent human beings and it is best to let them go and move on.
I am in a completely different place within myself and have grown so much because of this relationship so am thankful for the gift of myself that he gave to me. I have also learned to be completely happy with my own company whether or not I have a relationship with an intimate other. The most important thing I have learned is that I need to love myself first and foremost and live in my own integrity. Then life works well.
ChrisOctober 4th, 2016 at 2:33 PM
I’d suggest that very few relationships are a waste of time, as they all (hopefully) take us one step, one lesson further along the path to the relationship we deserve.
SalinaDecember 9th, 2017 at 12:19 PM
yOU ARE SUCH AN INSPIRATION AND YOU HAVE A SUCH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK AND MINDFRAME. hOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO LEAVE IF YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING?
JohnNovember 29th, 2019 at 7:59 AM
It is now November 2019 and your comments resonate still!
Being of the ‘quieter’ temperament (only sometimes repressed!) I may be seeing your wonderful comments about dysfunction and how we can grow and learn invaluable life-lessons, from a slightly different perspective. Either way, it is extremely refreshing to read such positive comments coming from a situation that was far less than positive. I have been a victim once or twice in my formative years when I was profoundly emotionally dysfunctional in relationships. I learned to grow from the negative and look at myself far more, and how people perceive me. I was once indoctrinated into believing that it didn’t matter what people thought about us. It was born in a time when I suffered from chronic depression, when I was ignorant to a lot of the essential lessons to be learned, as I had to become less focused on other people and their feelings, rather than how I actually felt. I became a chronic helper/fixer :)
I can laugh about myself now but it wasn’t pleasant after failed relationship time and time again up until my late 30s, when I gave what I describe as my all, each time. My demand for acceptance has limited me but it is par for the course for being an individual and making a point of being very much individual – but most importantly, liking myself :))
Your description of the unnamed ex boyfriend resonated a few chords from my past but not the unfaithfulness. My faithfulness is what anyone who gets close enough to me receives and it has always been the case. My ‘problems’ were caused when my loyalty became overbearing, where I would reassure a partner of my faithfulness with actions and words. To any who would be inclined, this could be (and had been) exploited in the past, resulting in the partners being unfaithful haha :) Counter productive!
Anyway, I’ve waffled enough. Thanks for your words! Very refreshing and very useful for those on the steep learning curve. JC
SueJuly 10th, 2016 at 9:46 PM
Thank you for this…where you were is where I still am. I couldn’t figure it out at first, but I knew something was wrong. My husband lies, sneaks, steals and denies everything or tries to minimize his actions. Then I noticed that when we would argue, I would become so frustrated. I felt like nothing made sense and we got nowhere. I started to notice that things I said yesterday were being thrown at me today…like they were my issues. I thought he was weird and told him he needed help. He won’t leave although I have asked him to many times. I wait.
Lisa h.January 28th, 2017 at 12:37 PM
I also have a husband like this. He won’t leave. But I’ve made use for him as a project has I’m now training to be a psychotherapist
SueJanuary 29th, 2017 at 8:57 AM
That is great, perhaps you can advise me how to best handle my situation. I would appreciate it if you would keep me up to date on your research and progress.
SunshineJanuary 13th, 2019 at 10:35 PM
Thats freakin great.
AndrewFebruary 20th, 2017 at 10:53 PM
Hi guys, I have a wife who is irrationally jealous but also extremely sexual and flirtatious, which is not that uncommon and perhaps a common form of projection. I’m not jealous, and have never been unfaithful, so I’m not overly fazed by this aspect of her behavior and just coped with it by responding with great calm. The hurtful accusations have receded so that’s great. But something that really does concern me is an incessant assertion that I am bipolar. Certainly I can be very focused, for instance am famous for working, say, up to 18 hours with barely a few minutes break to complete a newspaper article or report. I’ll focus on pretty much any job until it’s done and won’t give up, working around problems because I can see the goal and that’s the only thing in mind. Super focused on anything I do until I can master it, even things at which I’m mediocre. But I can’t help wondering whether people who are a little unstable themselves tend to project or attribute mental illness to their spouse? Anyone had that kind of experience? Do emotionally unstable people like to project instability onto others? It tends, over time, to engender more and more self-doubt …
CandiceDecember 25th, 2017 at 9:19 PM
Yes. My mother has tried to convince me and others, my whole life, that i am the one who is crazy and not her. She is severely narcissitc and is very good at manipulations and creating chaos and drama.
JamesDecember 26th, 2017 at 12:59 AM
I would share my sad story.
My wife has spent the past 14 years of our marriage asserting that I suffer from depression. At first I went along with her and even took some pills that her non-English speaking psychologist friend prescribed (My wife is Polish), without actually assessing me. I didn’t take many, only when she was with me, but pretended I was as it was clearly making her happier. A year later I told her I was stopping the treatment but she insisted that I continue. She told me that to get off of them I would need to be re-assessed and I agreed provided it was by another qualified and English speaking psychologist. I was re-assessed and declared me normal. My wife’s reaction, she cried and said ‘she can’t handle this’. I thought that a very strange reaction.
We went on for a few years with her insisting from time to time that I get therapy, which annoyed me and began to cause arguments. I agreed we would go to marriage guidance therapy instead, which we did and the therapist quickly identified that my wife just wants me to take some anti-depressant pills but the Councillor confirmed that in her opinion I in no way need them and that the issue was with my wife. Although the Councillor did not tell my wife, my wife quickly decided that marriage guidance was not working.
A year or so passed and again my wife is insisting that I take pills to control my anger; we were arguing a lot now. I suggested that we both go to psychological therapy and she reluctantly agreed. This began with a test that identified that we were both borderline depressed. Probably as a result of our many years of unhappy marriage and more recently persistent arguing.
So we began family counselling sessions where we were given tasks to complete and behaviours to modify. Whilst I tried very hard and did modify my behaviour and believe I am a better person for it, particularly in my handling of stress and avoiding arguing and shouting; I am quite good at that now, my wife did not change anything, she was clearly waiting for me to change sufficiently. But I am done, she is the same and is an unhappy person. I have never been unhappy, just disappointed in her, you see she has never worked; I provide all the family income, and by never worked I mean she also does not do any of the housework; washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, I had to hire a full time housemaid to do all of that.
I have come to accept that she is projecting and I no longer argue with her and so the kids 15,13 and 11 are happier but I don’t know where to go from here. I think divorce is the way now as I have just run out of patience and tolerance for her.
But I am happy, even when I am sad.
I like that phrase, I think it’s the way to be.
ChiaraJanuary 13th, 2018 at 10:16 AM
Definitely, my partner of 20 years as he getting more depressed ( don’t know what’s was the trigger for him??) he started projecting his uncomfortable feelings on me. Like i was selfish (i was always cooking for him , and he was just watching tv), i was fat (not true), and was crazy (never yelled at him).
At the beginning i didn’t realize that he was projecting but I was somehow feeling guilty, and thinking that he was mad at me for somthing else.
One day he completely lushed out at me saying that he hated me, i should leave (also my house ) and he never loved and so own
… At that point i went to se several therapist and one told me about psychological projections as a defense mechanism.
I guess if had known earlier own about this I would not have take the bite and react differently. I think feeling bad about myself didn’t help me and also didn’t help him. I should i put ealtier boundaries earlier own.
williamNovember 1st, 2019 at 6:05 PM
perhaps the work habit is your addiction, to pass time and feel comfortable or perhaps this is me projecting my s***.
Lisa hFebruary 21st, 2017 at 12:52 PM
My husband has a long-term depression, he, at times accuses me of been depressive and having mental health issues ie. Been passive aggressive, . I’ve never had mental health issues, so yes I do think they project there condition on to there partner.
AndrewFebruary 21st, 2017 at 6:47 PM
Hi Lisa, thanks for responding to me. I’m sure I have “issues” as anyone does, but it’s reassuring to hear this from someone else. I think it’s likely very common but certainly not well documented. The only reference I could find is where a patient tends to do this to their therapist or psychologist.
SmithApril 21st, 2017 at 5:30 AM
Thank you, I have been dating a woman who lives this exact behavior daily. I knew it was a psychological imbalance but didn’t know where it was coming from. The hardest part is how much I absolutely love her but I don’t know if I am able to live with it. She accuses me of wanting to leave her, she states things then minutes later denies them and accuses me of making them up, she has accused me of being with someone else and every time we have the slightest disagreement, she breaks up with me and says that that is what I want.
I had no idea where this was coming from and after last nights episode, I don’t think I am equipped. After telling me to leave due to Hingis she did the accused me of, the told me not to text, e-mail or call her….. then she continually texted, e-mailed and called me while accusing me of not leaving her alone. How does one manage this “if” you decide you still love and want to be with this person. Are they capable of recognizing their psychological projection?
I know she will not accept it but is there a pill that I can take that will help??? Not funny but I’m at this point.
JeanineApril 25th, 2017 at 2:41 PM
I’ve dealt with this in three individuals. It is very difficult to converse about any issue. This is used as an excuse. Everything is always my problem, nothing gets addressed. I can’t deal with this anymore. I am not making headway, they deny this is happening totally. Any suggestions as to how I can show that counseling is badly needed to live a normal life? Facts on this topic, please.
MaggieApril 25th, 2017 at 8:06 PM
Our Daughter has mental issues possibly bipolar we (myself and my husband) know this from speaking to a professional psychologist. Everything that has ever gone wrong in her life is our fault. We have helped her numerous times but we have come to the end we can’t take the projection and verbal abuse anymore.
There is nothing you can do the person projecting has to realise they have a problem and that can take months , years maybe never.
Take care of yourself and know that you have tried everything that you can.
Joni A.October 31st, 2017 at 9:12 AM
My daughter is afflicted with mental illness too. I sought therapy on ways in which I can cope with this now that she is almost 31 with no hope of getting her to seek therapy for her deep-seated issues she’s yet to address. My therapist told me the same thing. Just take care of yourself and lovingly disengage. Don’t engage in conversation if you have to be in their presence and never be alone one on one with them…always have an audience. The one that’s going to get hurt the most, though, is my granddaughter whom she admitted in writing that she was withholding from me. So I just have to sit back and be quiet, not say a word to her, so she won’t have substance to use against me later. If she starts to insult me when it hasn’t been provoked, just get up and walk away! I’ve been enduring this verbal, emotional and mental abuse from her from years until I came to the realization she doesn’t know me at all…all of it she has manufactured in her mind and nothing will change her image of me…maybe never, so I have to love, respect and forgive myself enough to let her go!
Chaira VDecember 9th, 2017 at 11:18 AM
My partner of 20 years, has history of Child abuse. He dislikes his parents and used to argue with them every time they talked to each other. However, last year after his parents stopped calling him ..he became more isolated and nervous towards me. A couple of months ago after I came back from visiting my family he completely switch his personality started yelling at me leave the house, that he hates me, and I am just like his parents..?? When I suggested that I was concerned about him and we should go to see a doctor he yelled me that I was crazy. It really breaks my heart see him behaving this way. He want touch the food the I am cocking, he thinks is contaminated (he used to love the food I cocked for him all the time). He watches violent TV shows all the time.. and mimic the same behavior of me (like the soprano’s) ??
Would he ever get better??
BonnieFebruary 7th, 2018 at 4:13 PM
Maggie and Joni A, I feel like I’ve just read my own life story only I have two daughters with this mental problem and they feed off each other’s paranoia, manipulation and spitefulness. Nothing I have ever done (and it’s been considerable in terms of practical effort, unlimited time and finances and endless emotional support and sympathy) has ever been appreciated by them. Their opinion of me is about as low as it can be and yet, as their mother, I kept bowing to their demands out of a sense of responsibility (and possibly “guilt” for all the imaginary “bad things” they accused me of doing to them – all in their own fabrications and aberrated distortions and of reality). Then, at almost 70, I decided that they were the problem, not me. So I have taken their advice and decided to “die a lonely old woman” instead of putting up with their abuse any further. Luckily, I have a vast network of friends and a very supportive partner and son who have also suffered alongside me for more than 35 years. It seems that this mental condition manifests itself at about puberty. With the benefit of hindsight, I have done a lot of thinking about the behaviour patterns in the females on my mother’s side and I can see that this psychological issue has repeated itself for at least four generations and my older granddaughter nearing puberty is displaying the classic symptoms of it. I don’t think it can be fixed. Those who suffer from it remain stubbornly in denial, it’s part of the Projection: you are the problem, not them.
MaggieFebruary 12th, 2018 at 9:12 PM
Hope I am permitted to suggest a book that I have read which greatly helped me.
‘Done with the crying’ by Sheri McGregor she has gone through herself what we Mums have suffered.
Best wishes to you.
WallisFebruary 13th, 2018 at 11:06 AM
Thank you for the suggestion, I appreciate it a lot, it also reminded me of this book that I read some years ago, the name: How to hug a Porqupine by Charles Lund, anyhow, I ordered it from Barnes & Noble, it should come soon.
Thank you again
BonnieFebruary 13th, 2018 at 3:12 PM
Thanks Maggie, sounds like a helpful book. I just need to come to grips with the lies and the way that every negative thing they say and do is turned 180 degrees about and attributed to me. It’s so hard to defend.
carla hFebruary 7th, 2018 at 7:25 PM
My boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, recently broke up with me. He blames me for his condition. His mental health broke down saying that he wasn’t like how he is now before we had a relationship. He was lonely without a partner then but he was happy. He blames me for my words that “life is not always full of rainbows and butterflies.” For me, every problems must be faced. What he was doing before was running away from his problems and kept blaming a particular person for how he got into his vices. Some people who knows him knew that what he did was wrong but I think I am to blame. Things started going down the drain after he was diagnosed with a chest condition. Doing the sports he love was prohibited and even the simplest exercises.
I’m in immense pain and I think my mental health is breaking down slowly. Am I really to blame for his mental and physical health. He’s suffering from headaches and body pain too? Why was it easy for him to blame me for everything that has happened to him, making me feel like him meeting me was one of the biggest decision he had made.
For more info, you can ask me questions.
But I think one of the biggest mistake I made was plead for him not to leave when he already wanted to. I should’ve given him that earlier. I just can’t accept it ’cause I was thinking he’s depressed so they push people away. Now, although the separation is really painful, I’ll try to hold on to whatever I can hold on to – a conspicuous speck of hope in a sea of hopelessness.
WallisFebruary 10th, 2018 at 5:24 PM
About 14 years ago, my youngest son started to verbally abuse me. It started when my only daughter died and I moved into his house for a while, at his request. I had to be in therapy for over a year because of the double trauma. Recently he started complaining to family members that I verbally abused him for years and he had to have counseling to recover somewhat. Now he is telling them that I used to curse his sister so terrible that she had to take her own life. They of course don’t believe because the entire extended family are close, and everyone would have known . My brother is scared for him because he said he is believing what he is accusing me off. Now I have no idea how to deal with that. When I was in therapy years ago, my therapist wanted him to have some visits with me, but he was always busy with his job. Now I want to help him because it seems as though it has made a dangerous turn, something he actually did to me, he’s accusing me of doing to him for years.
ArvyApril 12th, 2018 at 8:51 AM
I did not know there were different types of projection. I am now having some review on defense mechanisms and this article really helped. Thank you!
ChadJanuary 22nd, 2019 at 8:03 AM
I have been frustrated lately with my girlfriend, that I care for deeply. I am frustrated that she has not been affectionate to me at all lately. I told her that I couldn’t remember the last time she said something nice to me several times and it never gets better. When we first started ating , I liked photos on IG of two woman in their bathing suits. I was part of an online community that was a kind of support group. Some of them were online friends that helped me with my divorce. She made me told me to erase all my IG an Facebook if I wanted to stay in the relationship. She made me get rid of all my old friends, which I miss deeply. She has had a history of problems with men . Most of whom have cheated on her. So about 9 days ago I told her that the lack of affection and sex had ben bothering me. She told me to be honest with her. So I did and she got angry with me. She blamed me for not being affectionate enough to her. I feel that I have done a great deal for her, I bring flowers, I help with bills, get groceries, helped her move , helped getting us an apartment because her credit is bad and she doesnt make alot. She gives me constant lectures about how I am intitled beause I am a white male and will not stop bringing up the IG thing from 6 months agao. So I was feeling lonely and felt like she hated me and the sex frequency kept getting worse. I reched out to an old friend on Whatts App. My friend is a flirtatious person but very kind. She helped me when I was suicidal . I hadnt spoken to my friend since I started dating and I told her I was okay, havn’t drank in 6 months (which I am so proud of btw.) She was always flirted with me but I never flirted back. Anyways the next day my girlfriend wakes up and starts screaming in my face about who was I talking to on whattsapp. I lied because it was my defense message when I get put int a corner. I went in the bathroom to delete the app. she started chasing me around the hotel room screaming at the top of her lungs. She couldnt read the message because I deleted the app. So she doesn’t believe me. I have been sleeping on the couch for 9 days now. She barely talks to me. I showed her my phone and she checked everything on it. The problem that I have is that I asked to se her phone and she refuses to show it to me. She was tring to get away from the whole thing. She said because she never lied to me that I didnt have the right to se her phone. It made me furious. How did I know she wasnt doing anything behind my back. Was I projecting on her or was she projecting on me? I will never know the answer. She refuses to tell me why I cant look at her phone. She insists that she never did anything. I was upset because she made me show her my phone and she insisted on not showing me hers.I am frustrated and have said some horrible things to her that I can not take back. I am kind of in limbo but am having a hard time getting over that and trusting her. I dont know how we can make it work anymore living together without trust. So we are kind of in limbo but just want her back. Any advice?
JOHNNovember 29th, 2019 at 8:14 AM
I’ll get back to you shortly with a few more words.
I wont give advice and I am not a qualified *anything, so please just take what you find useful and ignore what you don’t!#
My first impression from your first paragraph is that it appears by your girlfriends insistence that you delete your online presence that she does indeed have harboured insecurities within herself, probably based on past experience. Without knowing both you and/or your girlfriend it is extremely difficult to make any fair judgement but I’m making assumptions, to get this on its way to you.
I can imagine that you feel like you can’t feel like you do anything right in her eyes, to make her lose her programmed and leaned insecurities? One thing I would say, is that you wouldn’t do wrong to stay loyal and most importantly Transparent with all that you do – including telling her whenever a female tries to flirt with you, for example! I’ve been in that situation where I have been afraid to speak my mind – NOT because I have anything to hide, but because my learned defence tells me to, or risk the partner thinking that I would even reciprocate to such uninvited advances. Its a tough one that you face Chad! Nothing in this life that is worthwhile is easy to obtain – and even harder to keep hold of! Ride the storm and whether you’re with her at the end or not – you WILL have grown.
All the best! John
JohNovember 29th, 2019 at 8:15 AM
I’m interested to know how things panned out with you -especially as it’s nearly a year since you posted!
GretchenJuly 6th, 2020 at 8:55 AM
Hey everyone ! I want to know if my boyfriend is projecting on me. We don’t fight much but when we do it’s so bad. We had made plans to go on vacation . The other day he said that we have to think about buying our (first) home. I started crying because I thought that meant we couldn’t go on vacation that I was planning since forever and we haven’t gone on vacation for 2 years. (Basically I thought he was saying that buying the home would get in the way of our vacation ) . When I started crying he started getting mad at me! He started saying that I cry for stupid reasons and that he was in no way insinuating not going on vacation. This all happened in the car, then when we got home I started crying on the couch and he just started making dinner without me. We were both sooooo hungry . Then I hear him start eating !!!!! He made food WITHOUT ME. I got sooooo mad and I went to our room and started crying a lot . I never cried so much in my life cause I couldn’t believe he would actually do that. Then after he finished his food he comes in the room and says “why were you crying so loud , you know your mom lives upstairs and she can hear your cries and screams.” I just ignored and pretended I didn’t hear him and he left the room. I then went outside without saying anything and He comes out for me. He starts getting mad at me and forcing me and cursing at me to get back inside the house. I told him stop being mean to me and then he says I’m being mean!!!!! I tell him “what kind of boyfriend gets mad their girlfriend for crying” and then He responds that’s I always cry for stupid reasons …. he started saying how HE was so hungry and I DIDNT make him food. He starts getting mad at me and making HIM look like the victim! I try to tell him this situation when we were more calm and he just says the same things . I tell him when we’re calm “can you be more nice you me “ and he responds saying “I don’t know what that means can you be more specific” and then he says to me “you’re always mean to me and you hate me” AM I GOING CRAZY OR IS HE PROJECTING PLEASE HELP ME OUT I am thoroughly going insane :-( and this is bugging me so much ! Thanks everyone for reading this far and don’t hesitate to comment please. !
FrancescaJuly 15th, 2020 at 11:35 PM
I am not sure that’s really a projection..but sounds like there are some little abnormal behavior on both side. You seems to over react to certain cues….not projecting
It seems that certain situations are bringing back to a place in time..where you felt abandoned..(ans then you are not rational anymore). I am not sure, if you have past trauma, ..or it is more about this relationship. But, assuming always the worst case scenario is not healthy for a relationship..and the partner gets confused because doesn’t know where your desperation is coming from.
Of course after you started crying it would have been nice if your partner came to the rescue, but he didn’t.
He seems to have also his triggers and after you explain yourself he didn’t want to talk about anymore..
From the outside, I can see why he was behaving that way..but i don’t know if he always was kind of insensitive..or only when you have one of your crisis.
I think that you will benefit from a little therapy..to understand your triggers..
H.August 21st, 2020 at 5:37 AM
I’d like to know if there is an identified condition that includes a seeming inability to “see” or “hear” or “read” people/situations that are 100 % clear to everyone else. I know a person who is *extremely* – one might say, almost pathologically – compassionate, yet completely lacks empathy. Her “compassion” comes from her projections of herself ONLY. She seems incapable of assimilating even the most straightforwardly explicit and articulate explanations of a situation/personality. It is as if her image of a given person/situation were blocking her sense(s) completely. (A very pedestrian and oversimplified example: you could tell her that you adore the rain – tell her a MILLION times – yet she will still commiserate you for having encountered rain. A better – and, I think, more ominous – example would be this: she recently received a message from someone who was – based on the wording – clearly and unambiguously a man, yet she kept thinking and talking about that person as if he were a woman. It is as if her image of that person is completely blocking out the real person.)
She also has great difficulty concentrating and/or remembering anything that is not related to her (rather limited) interests.
I don’t believe in labels, certainly don’t rely on them, but in this case it would help me a lot to know if there is an identified condition that corresponds to the symptoms above.
CJJanuary 10th, 2021 at 4:01 AM
Help! My boyfriend has been projecting onto me his insecurities for 3 years now. He is so good at it I start to doubt myself. He also tries to tell me his kids 15 & 23 agree with him. He has low self esteem so if I try to discuss anything with him he takes it as criticism. He says I’m always mad and in a bad mood. He’s the only person that’s ever told me that I’m very even tempered, but at least once a month we argue and he is verbally abusive. He gets an evil look in his eyes and has even smashed 2 cell phones of mine. Since we moved so far away and it’s just the 4 of us sometimes I feel like he’s starting to convince me I’m crazy. I feel like I’m being gaslighted. All my friends and family back home assure me that I’m the same even keeled person they have always known. I wonder why he projects all his hatred onto me? His daughter had told me he’s bi polar and he also is a narcissist always flirting online to boost his ego.
VeeFebruary 2nd, 2021 at 6:28 AM
Hi CJ, your story resonated with me because I also had a partner (now ex) who told me I was always moody, and that “nothing made me happy”. He said he felt “dead inside” and that he had tried to make it work “to the detriment of his mental health”. At the time I was devastated and crushed by his accusations. We agreed to try again, but it soon became very clear that he had no intention of changing anything. I refused to beg him. He was already gone. I told him I wanted to end the relationship. That was a year ago and I’m still so confused by things that he said, but I think time, self reflection and distance has made me see that perhaps he was projecting. I did tell him that I felt he was either depressed, or suffering PTSD. He denied either possibility – he also claimed i treated him as a paycheck, even though I worked shift work, plus the majority of the housework, and was often a single parent while he was away with his job.
Within a month of breaking up he had a new girlfriend, when we talk on the phone about parenting issues, I never know if he will be ‘hot or cold’ with me. Yet he claimed he always had to “walk in eggshell” with me. Even as I type this it is becoming clearer to me that he was projecting. I pity him, as he is obviously unfulfilled and unhappy, but I tried, and he just wanted out, because he isn’t able to recognize his own issues. I am slowly healing. Don’t let this man take you down with him. Even if he’s not projecting, his criticism and not being your cheerleader , are not ok in a loving relationship. Even if he’s right – we all have flaws, but you should feel supported and encouraged, and inspired to be the best version of yourself. Anyone who makes you feel so bad about yourself is stealing your joy. Don’t allow it.
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