Ending a relationship and letting go can be incredibly difficult no matter how toxic it is. Part of this is for simple biological reasons, as recent scientific studies have shown that being in love activates the same reward pathways in the brain as addictive substances like cocaine.
Brain scans of lovers and people experiencing substance addiction both display increased activity in the pleasure centers of the brain (most notably the dopamine centers) and decreased activity in the frontal lobe, which is the area responsible for cognition. This means that while falling in love can make us feel good, it can also profoundly affect our judgment.
While researchers have found overlaps between romantic attachment and addiction-related brain activity, healthy human bonding is not inherently pathological. Neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin help create emotional attachment and connection. In unhealthy or inconsistent relationships, however, these same reward systems can contribute to intense emotional dependence and make it harder to leave, especially when affection and distress occur in cycles.
It is for this reason that love can sometimes be compared to an addiction. In love, much like addiction, there may be negative side effects such as abuse or gaslighting. But despite all of those bad circumstances, it can still be difficult to kick the romantic attraction and feelings of love when letting a relationship go.
Not all unhealthy relationships look the same. Some relationships may involve poor communication or codependent patterns, while others may include emotional abuse, manipulation, coercion, or trauma bonding. The process of leaving and healing can look very different depending on the dynamics involved, and some situations may require additional support or safety planning.
If you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship you know is not healthy, consider these 15 tips for letting go of it for good:
1. Recognize the Problem
Awareness is the first step. Educate yourself or consider talking to a therapist or counselor about what constitutes an unhealthy relationship. Take a good, hard, and objective look at your relationship and be honest with yourself.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Is this relationship serving my highest good?
- Is this relationship negatively impacting other areas of my life?
- Is this relationship detrimental to my self-esteem?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, consider ending or talking to a professional about the relationship.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel
Letting go of a relationship is usually not easy. It can be painful to end a relationship even if the relationship was not serving your highest good. Honor any feelings of grief you may have, and allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than attempting to suppress them. What people often experience as “missing them” may also involve emotional withdrawal and a dysregulated nervous system. In relationships marked by inconsistency, conflict, or intermittent reinforcement, the brain and body can become conditioned to cycles of emotional highs and lows. The urge to reconnect often intensifies when the discomfort feels overwhelming, not necessarily because the relationship was healthy. Accept grief as a part of the experience, and allow yourself the time you need to heal.
3. Discover the Lesson
Many people reflect on past relationships to better understand themselves and their patterns. However, not everyone is ready to take meaning from the experience right away, and that’s okay. Sometimes healing first needs to come before insight. If and when you feel ready, consider asking yourself what the relationship revealed about your needs, boundaries, values, or hopes for future relationships.
In life, lessons may often be repeated until they are learned. Look for the lesson from this relationship and you may be less likely to carry the same lesson over into your next relationship.
4. Create Separation
It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you’re used to spending so much time with, but it is usually necessary if you want to move on from the relationship. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship with your ex, but it’s usually best to allow some time for both parties to heal before you try to spend time together as friends.
For some people, especially in relationships involving manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or trauma bonding, a period of no contact may be necessary to allow emotional healing and nervous system regulation. In other situations, limited contact may be more realistic, particularly when co-parenting, shared responsibilities, or practical concerns are involved. Creating space can help you gain clarity and reduce the emotional intensity that often keeps unhealthy dynamics going.
5. Let Go of the Mementos
It can be tempting to hang on to all the old relics of a past relationship. Doing so, however, may prevent you from moving on with your life. If you must keep the old love letters, movie ticket stubs, photos, or romantic gifts, you may want to store them somewhere out of sight until you’re ready to move on.
6. Take Off Your Love Goggles
Love often has a way of clouding your perception, which sometimes makes it difficult to see someone for who they really are. If you really want to get out of an unhealthy relationship, you must be willing to take off your love goggles and look at the person objectively. Consider talking with a close family member or friend or even finding a therapist to help you look at the relationship impartially.
It’s common to hold onto isolated moments of connection while minimizing larger behavioral patterns. When you slow things down and look at the relationship over time, the overall dynamic often becomes clearer. Ask yourself whether the relationship consistently felt emotionally safe, respectful, and supportive, not just whether there were occasional good moments.
It isn’t uncommon to only hold on to the good memories of an ex and completely shut out the bad memories. Maintain your perspective by remembering both sides of the experience. Remind yourself of the good times, but don’t forget those bad times or you could end up forgetting why you ended the relationship in the first place.
7. Compose a Letter to Your Ex
Consider writing out all your feelings in a letter, even if you have no intention of sending it. You can choose to give this letter to your former partner or destroy it when you’re finished. The point of the letter is to allow you to release your feelings. Writing or journaling can help you reflect on the relationship as a whole, while giving you a way to further your mental and emotional wellness.
8. Focus On Empowering Yourself
Try your best to shift focus off the relationship and back to yourself. Consider trying new things or putting your energy into a hobby you’ve neglected. Remembering why the relationship was unhealthy and focusing on what it is you do want in a relationship can be empowering.
After an unhealthy relationship, many people realize they lost parts of themselves along the way. You may reconnect with interests, friendships, goals, or aspects of your identity that became smaller during the relationship. Rebuilding your sense of self is often an important part of healing.
Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.
9. Rewrite Your Story
We often tend to place the weight of our identities into our self-professed life stories. We believe we are what we continually tell ourselves. Examine your story and rewrite it in a more empowering way to start making positive changes in your life.
If you continually tell yourself you lost your soul mate and you’re destined to be alone, you might struggle to hang on to a relationship that is no longer serving you. Reframe your story and consider the fact this relationship may have just been one step on the journey toward an even better relationship in the future.
10. Practice Forgiveness
Release any feelings of guilt or regret you have surrounding the relationship. Forgive yourself for anything that happened in the past because you can no longer change it. You can only move forward and learn from it.
Forgiveness is often a gradual process and should not be rushed. For some people, trying to forgive too quickly can bypass important feelings such as anger, grief, or betrayal. Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning accountability. Instead, it may eventually involve loosening your emotional attachment to the pain or dynamic so you can move forward more freely.
11. Live in the Present Moment
Life exists in the present moment and healing is rarely linear. Many people move forward, then revisit old feelings, memories, or urges before continuing to heal again. Experiencing setbacks or moments of doubt does not mean you are failing or that ending the relationship was the wrong decision. Choose to live in the present rather than getting lost in nostalgia. Often, people stay in a relationship that is no longer healthy because they are clinging to the past. Judge your relationship based on how it is at present rather than how it once was.
12. Accept What Is
We must be able to accept things as they are if we want to move forward. Many people remain in relationships that are unhealthy hoping they can somehow change their partner. It is important to remember you cannot change anyone, especially if they have no willingness to change themselves. If the relationship isn’t working for you, then you have the choice to leave and move on. That is something you can change.
13. Contribute to a Cause You Care About
If you’re having trouble letting go of the past, consider getting involved in a cause you feel passionate about. Doing this can not only occupy your time and mind as you process feelings and let go of the relationship, but it can also help shift your focus to something bigger than yourself. Recent research has shown volunteering can significantly improve overall well-being, with benefits including reduced mortality, increased functioning, and better social connections. This can provide perspective and help you feel good as you also help your community.
14. Practice Self-Care
Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship. Letting go isn’t easy, and it isn’t uncommon to forget our own physical and emotional health after a painful breakup. The grief can be overwhelming and we may start to neglect our own needs, as emotional pain activates the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain.
During and after unhealthy relationships, the nervous system can remain in a heightened state of stress or emotional activation. Gentle routines, consistent sleep, movement, time outdoors, mindfulness practices, and supportive relationships can help your body gradually regain a sense of stability and safety.
Help yourself by choosing to practice self-care every day. Get plenty of rest. Eat nutritious food. Indulge. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Whatever it is, just do something to meet your personal needs.
Furthermore, learning how to practice self-compassion. Moving on can be a big and scary step, so be gentle with yourself as you heal and create a new life after this relationship.
15. Embrace the Impermanence of Life
Forever is a misleading term. The only constant that exists in life is change. Despite our efforts to the contrary, we truly cannot hold on to anything in life forever. Everything—friends, family, and relationships—come and eventually go.
When it comes time for something to end, rather than clinging to what no longer is, realize impermanence is the nature of life and try to embrace it. Appreciate the good moments you had, cherish those memories, and let them go in exchange for new experiences. Missing someone after a breakup does not automatically mean the relationship was healthy or that reconnecting is the best choice. Emotional attachment can persist even when a relationship caused harm.
Know When to Ask for Help
The first few moments, days, or weeks following a breakup can seem debilitating. For some, ending a relationship means a loss of identity, support, and normalcy. Ending a relationship—even a toxic one—can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. However, you do not have to do it alone. Know when to seek support if you need it.
Some signs it may be time to seek additional support include repeatedly returning to the relationship despite ongoing harm, feeling stuck between knowing what needs to change and being unable to act on it, experiencing a significant drop in self-worth, or struggling to function in daily life after the relationship ends. Therapy can help people process grief, rebuild identity, strengthen boundaries, and better understand attachment patterns that may be contributing to the cycle.
If feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions persist and begin affecting your daily life after a relationship ends, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you process and acknowledge your feelings in a healthy way. A qualified mental health professional can help you examine the past relationship in a safe place free of judgement while you work toward achieving a more complete sense of self after the relationship has ended.
Even if you feel like there is no hope after severing an important tie in your life, remember you can heal and you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and complements you and your happiness.
Letting go of an unhealthy relationship is rarely just a single decision, it is often a process of building the emotional capacity, support, and safety needed to move forward. That process can take time, and it often requires significant courage.
References:
- Pierce, A. F., Protter, D. S. W., Watanabe, Y. L., Chapel, G. D., Cameron, R. T., & Donaldson, Z. R. (2024). Nucleus accumbens dopamine release reflects the selective nature of pair bonds. Current Biology, 34(2), 341-349. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2023.12.041
- Rinne, P., Lahnakoski, J. M., Saarimäki, H., Tavast, M., Sams, M., & Henriksson, L. (2024). Six types of loves differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cerebral Cortex, 34, bhae331. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhae331
- Yang, Y., Wang, C., Shi, J., & Zou, Z. (2024). Joyful growth vs. compulsive hedonism: A meta-analysis of brain activation on romantic love and addictive disorders. Neuropsychologia, 204, 109003. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2024.109003
- Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2024). Exploring the effects of volunteering on the social, mental, and physical health and well-being of volunteers: An umbrella review. Voluntas: International Journal of Voluntary and Nonprofit Organizations, 35(1), 97-128. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11266-023-00573-z
- Kang, S. J., Liu, S., Kim, J. H., Kim, D. I., Oh, T. G., Peng, J., Ye, M., Lee, K. F., Evans, R. M., Goulding, M., & Han, S. (2025). Thalamic CGRP neurons define a spinothalamic pathway for affective pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(29), e2505889122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2505889122
- Tabassum, F., Mohan, J., & Smith, P. (2016). Association of volunteering with mental well-being: A lifecourse analysis of a national population-based longitudinal study in the UK. BMJ Open, 6(8), e011327. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011327
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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