When Yelling Is A Pattern
October 6th, 2008 |By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
Yelling at Children
This is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.
Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:
First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.
Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake.
Third, regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, ‘if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.’ They are too young to know better.
Back to the fear induced by a yelling parent. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.
Helplessness
Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:
First, make a conscious, verbal decision to stop.
Second, make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.
Third, if reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.
Fourth, try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.
By the way, in 29 years of practice, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling a my kid, what a mistake that was.”
Yelling at your Spouse / Partner
Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.
Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.
Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”
More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.
An Alternative to Yelling
I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:
1. Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”
2. Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.
3. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
4. In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.
5. When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.
6. After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.
Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you made an attempt builds trust and self confidence.
Wishing you a satisfying relationship, Jim
©Copyright 2008 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
October 7th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Ok this is totally me!!! I yell at everyone. I am married and have a son who is now 4 yrs old. I started yelling and getting so worked up with everything and everyone right from the time he was one. I now realise that my son probably obeys me more out of the fear of my anger rather than realising what he did was wrong. I feel so small today but I am intending to make a conscious effort to change myself starting from today. Great advice this one and I am going to try and keep it!!
October 13th, 2008 at 3:40 am
My family is not a family of yellers, but boy there are some days when I could really just let it all out! I used to have a much worse temper but having a family has somehow had the opposite effect on me and has made me a much more mellow person. Sure this was probably a conscious decision on my part but I definitely like myself better today than I did when the only way I knew how to express myself was through anger and yelling at others. Kiera, I feel for you and am thinking about you today because I know from personal experience how hard it can be to break those patterns of behavior and as much as I know you want to do this for your son, change the behavior for you too. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel about life in general and your relationships with others when you develop different ways to communicate what is going on in your life. Best of luck to you!
October 14th, 2008 at 3:06 am
It is when I get stressed about things that I really notice yelling more and more. I have been going through a divorce and I know I have not been the best to my kids lately just due to the amount of pressure I now feel and the anxiety and worries over ending my marriage. This article has given me some real insight into what I am doing to not only my children but also to myslef with this type of behavior. I am ready to try the tools for NOT yelling and dealing with my anger in a way that is more beneficila for everyone.
October 15th, 2008 at 3:03 am
Yelling for me is something that always just makes me feel even worse than I did before I started! You always feel like it is going to be such a release but than you just feel guilty over the way you have behaved- I do anyway. This is a great motivation for me to try to stop.
October 18th, 2008 at 9:09 am
itmakes me so mad when I see adults yell at their helpless children!!! don’t they realize they are being such poor role models for their kids and that they are teaching them that this is the only way to let off steam and deal with others when they are angry or frustrated.. children deserve better than that!
October 19th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Dru D, you are correct. How children learn to act; what it means to be and how to be a woman, mother, wife, man, father, husband are all learned by observing and internalizing what we grow up with. Of course, parents who yell at their children often/usually were yelled at by their own parent(s) and so are acting on the only internal models they have. It takes real work and committment to change such behavior. The results, however, are well worth it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I find it so sad when the only forms of communication I see between partners is that of yelling. Don’t they realize that things are meant to be so much better than this?
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Jake,
Sometimes people’s history has “taught” them this manner of relating. It may not be that they purposefully choose to yell, but that this is what they learned in their family of origin. It can also be that they are overwhelmed with emotion and are not thinking
October 27th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
My son is nearly 4 now. We used to have squabbles and I had a bad habit of using offensive language which I consciously changed over the last 6 months. I see the damage done already. When I try calmly correcting him he says, “Shut up!!” I used to yell at him the same way before. Today I hear my own voice in his and it hurts more than anything in this world.
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Just in case anyone is interested, I wrote a book called “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.” It provides practical alternatives to yelling that are easy to apply. The techniques work well in marital relationships also. I believe, like Dr. Hutt, that yelling is extremely harmful in family life. However, it’s not enough to want to stop. We need to know what to do instead that really works. I offer solutions in my book and on my parenting web site. You are welcome to post parenting questions on that site as well and I’ll be happy to answer them.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:58 am
This is oh so familiar to me. I grew up fearing my dad, but loving him, because if we didn’t do something right or we got into trouble, we could bet that we would get more than a yelling. I think that is why I grew up scared asking for anything. I am married and I have a son and I can’t remember ever yelling at him when he was younger. I’m sure I probably did but I know that we usually yell to get things our way or to get something accomplished. I would hate to think my son has to fear either one of his parents.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:00 am
I can see where this would be hurtful to the kids as well as adults. I still see parents yelling and screaming at their kids in the grocery store and wonder why they want to do that in front of other people. Sometime I see kids, just rebel when being yelled at, as if they are challenging their parents. So sad.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:47 am
No one wants there children to be scared of them. It may seem at the time this is the only way to get children to listen to you, but in the long run, this can really take a toll on the children. I think this is why so many children, when they grow up and get married, they think they can yell at their spouses or children because that is what they learned.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Dear Kylie,
You make a good point. We learn about what it means to be a man, husband, father, woman, wife, mother from those who raise us and that is the model in our psyche. So, our future close relationships are often rooted in, based on, and mimic, those earlier ones. The good news is that while negative behavior may be learned, it can also be “unlearned,” or new, more productive and positive ways of interacting can be learned….often therapy helps in this process.
regards
Art
November 15th, 2008 at 10:56 am
My wife yells at our daughter SOOOO often that I can almost say she always yells. I can be sitting on our couch 25 feet away and she hurts my ears, meanwhile she is in the restroom with our daughter trying to get her to wash her hands. I have tried and tried and tried to have a unified front in front of our daughter, but it is getting pretty bad. I usually do not have a problem with our daughter minding me because I am consistent with corrections, whereas my wife will all but beg her to do something for her. She will say, “Isabelle! Get over here….get over here right now…do you want a time-out….get over here now or were aren’t going to the so-n-so’s birthday party…Isabelle, I’m counting to three….” I’m not joking…it really is that bad. When I mention that she yells, she tells me that I’m being to critical. I don’t know what to do. If I were to look for professional help, what kind of professional should I look for?
November 15th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Dear Del,
You are facing a very difficult problem. If your wife sees that there is a problem (that yelling is out of hand and not productive and that she’d like your daughter to “listen” without having to yell), then you can all see a mental health professional (social worker, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, etc). It may be that your wife will need to see someone individually to help her understand what drives her yelling and help her then move that insight into behavioral change. However, if your wife does not see any problem, does not want to change, or says, “she has to change first,” then you have a much more difficult situation on your hands. It may be, unfortunately, like having to choose your daughter’s emotional and psychological health or your marriage…in which case, you may want to consult with a professional to examine how best to proceed.
regards
Art
November 16th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Well, as luck would have it, my wife and I had a long, sometimes heated, discussion regarding her yelling. She was extremely defensive. She named many reasons why she yelled…all my fault. Then it was the bills, then it was work, then it was…you get the picture. After an hour of stopping her every time she tried to transfer blame for her yelling, she took a break from it all and got the mail. What came in the mail, you ask? The latest issue of Parents magazine, and on the cover was the title to an article called “Discipline Without Yelling”. She said it was God speaking to her and she took it to heart. No disrespect intended, but I don’t care if she thinks it was Elvis and Hoffa both speaking to her from Santa’s sleigh as long as she stops yelling at our daughter. After reading the article, she has improved dramatically. Her volume raises then goes back down before she finishes her sentence. I am very proud of her; it couldn’t have been easy. We have barely started our journey to a more quiet house, but I have high hopes.
-Del
November 17th, 2008 at 5:44 am
Dear Del,
Great to hear your good news.
Often change occurs when a person is in the right frame and then it just takes a serendipitous event/moment to make it happen. As Einstein (?) said, genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration….it may be that all your previous discussions set the stage so that the magazine was that final push.
regards
Art